Jokes

[bananadong]

My wife had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realised that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realised her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) My wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before". The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed".
--
I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired". His buddy says "Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do". A fellow about age 70, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit".
--
A little boy walked in on his parents having sex. He sees his mother bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says "Mummy, what are you doing?" "Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out. The boy replied "Why bother. Every Tuesday the Auntie Jane comes over and blows him back up again!"
--
A 10-year-old girl asks her mother... "Mummy, how was I born?" The mother smiled and replies "Once upon a time your father and I planted a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the soil and I looked after it. Every day I gave it water and fertilizer. After a while the seed started to grow into a lovely plant with pretty green leaves. After a few months the plant grew big and healthy with lots of buds. When the plant was about 4 feet tall we cut it down and dried it". "... and?" "Then we smoked it and got so high that we boned without a condom".
--
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day. I also listen to their conversations, give ahem the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them and to others I tell the truth (OK that's not normal on FB but!! And it works just like Facebook! I already have at least four people following me: Two tramps one policeman and a psychiatrist!
--
"A Irishman gave instructions for the headstone for his recently departed wife. He wanted the words "She was Thine" on the stone. "A short time later he was told the headstone had been erected, so he went to the cemetery to check. He was horrified to read "She was Thin". "Naturally, he went straight to the monumental masons to complain that they had left the "E" off his wife's headstone. He was assured the matter would be dealt with immediately. A day or so later he returned to the cemetery to view the corrected inscription, only to read: "Ee, She was Thin"
--
A guy shoved his charity bucket in front of my face. He said "Do you wish to change the lives of those that are starving?" I stopped and said "Do you?" "Do I?" he hesitated. "Of course, I do". I said "Then get the fuck out of my way, you're between me and Maccas".

[bananadong]

Charlie went to the doctor's office one day because he was having trouble getting 'little Charlie' hard. He explains his predicament to the doctor who prescribes him some pills and tells him to come back a week later.

A week later Charlie returns and says to the doctor "No luck, doc. These pills didn't seem to work, I still can't get little Charlie hard".

So, the doctor prescribes him even stronger pills and tells him to come back and report what happened in a week's time once again.

Once again, Charlie returns and says "No luck, still can't get him hard. Please doc, I'm desperate! Don't you have anything that can get little Charlie hard? Surely you have something?"

The doctor says "Okay, I didn't want to do this, but there is a remedy. The only thing is, I'll have to inject it directly into little Charlie". "No problem doc!" says Charlie happily. "I'll try anything, as long as little Charlie can get hard again!"

The doctor injects little Charlie and tells Charlie to come back in a week again to report back.

Three days later however, Charlie rings up the doctor and says "Wow doc, this has been great, but little Charlie has now been hard for three days already, and he really needs a rest. I really need you to make him soft again for a bit".

The doctor says "Sorry, no can do, the effects of the injection are permanent. You did agree you wanted it".

"Shit" says Charlie. "What was in the injection doc, if I may ask?" The doctor replies "Three of sand and one of cement".

[bananadong]

So this just happened, I witnessed a council road worker squashing an innocent snail with his foot. I asked what did he do that for? He replied the fucking thing had been following him around all day!
--
Apparently, there is bi-partisan agreement in Parliament that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain. In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
--
Mother and her dear little six-year-old son visit a friend who's just given birth to a baby with no ears. Mother: "Oh! Doesn't he have lovely eyes, I bet he can see for miles with them". Son: "I bloody well hope so as he will never wear glasses".
--
While carpenters were working outside the old house Liz had just bought, she busied herself with indoor cleaning. Liz had just finished washing the floor when one of the carpenters asked to use the bathroom. With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly scrubbed floors. Just a minute, thinking of a quick solution, Liz said; " l will put down newspapers". The carpenter responded; "That's all right, lady. I'm already house trained".
--
I was told my Egyptian optician had died. Asif Eyecare.
--
For our holiday I got a map of the world, gave my partner a dart, and said we would go wherever the dart lands. I'm happy to announce in August we're going to spend a lovely two weeks picnicking next to the skirting board.
--
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice" said the neighbour "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him". "Cured him!" asked the woman "but how?" The neighbour said "You see, his name is Bill".
--
Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used Condom hanging off your dick. Especially when you weren't wearing one when you started.
--
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this" said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow" said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run!" said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred-yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir" he said "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it".
--
On a menu I saw "Golden Soup" listed. I asked the waitress why it was called Golden Soup. She said it was because there were twenty-four carrots in it.
--
I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions. In the morning, she told me she had a confession. "That's the first time I've done that" she said. "Sex or a one-night stand?" I asked. "Sex. You see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex". "That's fine, I don't mind" I said. She looked at me, with an excited look in her face and said "Good because I much prefer being Christina".

[bananadong]

An angry wife says to her husband "I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "You would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country!"
--
I went to my girlfriend's funeral today. It was the first time I'd met her parents... what a pair of miserable bastards!
--
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them. They said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

[bananadong]

Teacher is in the class facing the pupils. One is little Jimmy, the foulest mouthed kid in the school. "Oh well she thinks to herself, I will just try to ignore him".

"So pupils, in today's English lesson we are going to study the word 'fascinate'. Can anybody give me a sentence with 'fascinate' in it?"

Jimmy sticks his hand straight up. "Oh miss! Miss!! Me!"

She ignores him and goes to little Timmy, who says "Yesterday evening I watched a dinosaur movie with my daddy, I found it fascinating". "Not bad" said the teacher "but that's not quite the word we were looking for, anybody else?"

Jimmy hand again shot up "Miss! Oh miss!! Meee!".

She continues to ignore Jimmy and turns to Samantha, who said "In the evening I like to look at the stars through my telescope, because astronomy fascinates me".

"Not bad either" said the teacher "but still not the exact word we were looking for. Anybody else?"

Now only Jimmy has BOTH hands up, so reluctantly she said "Okay Jimmy what have you got?"

"Well" said Jimmy "I went to the shops last week and saw a lady with a 10 button shirt".

The teacher is thinking this is not too bad. "Go on Jimmy, a 10 button shirt..?" "Yeah" he said "her tits were so fucking big she could only fasten eight!"

[bananadong]

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.


The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'' ''Yes, I remember him as a baby,'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though". the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear,'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'' ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''


''He's a martyr too,'' says the mother quietly. ''Oh, gracious me,'' says the other.


''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,'' she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school.''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[bananadong]

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided what the hell, he'll try it.

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realised his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the road. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied "What?"

He heard "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted". "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago".

[bananadong]

Two Vicars in their lovely Devon parishes meet up every Tuesday for lunch at a pub in between the 2 villages. They always go for a ride on their bikes afterwards.

One week one of the Vicars turns up very late, out of breath and no bike. The other asks where his bike is. And the reply is it's been stolen from outside the church.

"The problem is I don't want to offend any of parishioners however it must have been one of them that took it I don't know what to do".

The other Vicar says my advice would be at your service next Sunday go through the 10 commandments when you get to "Thou shall not steal" the guilty party will realise the error of his ways and return your bike.

The following week the vicar turns up on his bike, his colleague says "The ten commandments speech worked I see" the other vicar says "Sort of, when I got to "thou shall not commit adultery" I remembered where I left it!!"

[bananadong]

"Hello, you have reached the 'Men's Help Line.' My name is Ken. How can I help you?"

"Hi Ken, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs; the phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up.

Plus, she goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her.

When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

[bananadong]

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child. Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.
--
A man goes to a job interview and presents himself well. The interviewers are really impressed by how professional he is. "Wow! You have an amazing resume and you present yourself fantastically but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume, what happened there?" Asked an interviewer". Oh that's when I went to Yale" says the man and the interviewers are even more impressed and offer him a job on the spot. The man shows his gratitude by saying "Thank you for the yob"
--
Tea is an evil substance! I discovered this last night. I had drunk 14 beers up until 3:00 am at the pub, while my wife was at home drinking tea. You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed up to bed as she shouted at me, all night long and even into the next morning. Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, just don't drink it!
--
Someone attacked me with a bat in the park last night. To be fair, I was amazed that he had managed to train it so well.
--
Mum was cleaning Junior's room one day and she found a bondage magazine under his bed. This made her very upset. She put it back under his bed until his father got home and showed him. He gave it a look and handed it right back to her without a word, so she asked him "What should we do about this?" Dad paused and said "Well, whatever you do, I don't think you should spank him".
--
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble". The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No! Leave your knickers on... just stick out your tongue!"
--
An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on "Take your kid to work day". As they were walking around the office the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly: "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you work with?"
--
A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol. She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. She says "I want you to see this". She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear "what do you have to say about this experiment?" The child responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

[bananadong]

A teacher asked the children in her third-year class "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as an S.A.S. Officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militants and return as a national hero. Then I'd become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find myself the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane".

The teacher - shocked and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Johnny decided not to acknowledge what he had said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I want to be Johnny's tart!"

[bananadong]

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy!" Paddy replies "Okay Mick, I'll be on me way then".

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face!

"Shoite!" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He attempts another step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite! Shoite!!"


He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air, he'll be fine.

So, he belly-crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and... falls flat on his face!


"Bi'Jesus... I'm pissed" he says.


He can see his house just a few doors down and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way!"

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and declares "I can make it to the bed!" He takes a step into the room and... falls flat on his face.

Finally, Paddy falls into bed.


The next morning his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up, Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says "I did, Mary. I was fookin' pissed.. But how did ye know?" "Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub".

[bananadong]

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.


He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: "$800 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I’M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her "I study law, and I know how to screw people!"

[bananadong]

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said "Thanks" and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked "What was that all about?"

She explained "The egg timer's broken".

[bananadong]

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister" said the young nun dreamily "I've been saved". "Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven".

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock".

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved".

"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

[bananadong]

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered " the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
--
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned".
--
My teenage son proudly told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son" I said "I hope you used something though?" He replied "Yeah, a balaclava!"
--
A woman buys a new SIM Card, puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room. She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number: "Hello Darling". The husband responds in a low tone "Let me call you back later, Honey. My wife is in the kitchen.

[bananadong]

A male stripper goes into a restaurant. He sees a beautiful young nun and decides he wants to do the dirty on her. He decides to propose it to her directly.

"Ey girl how you doin'? What do you think about leaving that chastity aside and come with me for a good time?" The nun angrily answers "I am a woman of no man, only God! To hell with you, sinner!"

The man goes to a table, defeated, but then his waiter talks to him.

"Ey you know I've seen that nun praying in the cemetery at midnight sometimes. Maybe if you dress up as God she will let you have sex with her". "Oh shit for real? Let me try it!"

So, he dresses up with some robes and a fake beard, and goes to the cemetery at midnight. Lo and behold, the nun is right there on her knees praying, her sweet ass up to exposure. The stripper talks with the deepest, loudest voice he can make: "Woman, you are in the presence of God, on your knees!" "Oh yes my Lord!" "I wish for you to make love with me!" "Ok, but only anal, I don't want to lose my chastity".

So, they get to it, and after a while of hitting it, the stripper tells her: "Ha! I am the stripper from the restaurant!" To which the nun replies: "Ha! I'M THE WAITER!"

[bananadong]

An Irishman and an Englishman walk in to a bakery.

The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me".

The Irishman replies "That's just simple thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results".
The Irishman then calls out to the owner of the bakery and says "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick". The owner is intrigued, so he comes over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asks him for a bun and then eats it. He then asks for two more and eats those as well. The owner says "Okay, my friend, where's the magic trick?"

The Irishman says "Look in the Englishman's pocket".

[bananadong]

In a run-down part of East London recently, a fire destroyed a dilapidated four storey house that had been divided into four flats.

A Nigerian family of six internet con artists and full-time benefit cheats lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished in the fire.

A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they too, all perished in the fire.

Six Albanian, gang-banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free occupied the third floor and they too, died.

And one middle aged British white couple lived on the top floor.

They miraculously survived the fire.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why were just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service. Questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.

The Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment would be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!

A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area and demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The chief fire officer quietly replied: "They were at work".

[bananadong]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone. She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her has had enough, he leans over and says into her phone...

"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed!"

[bananadong]

The teacher was trying to get his seventh-grade history class students to think of how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel" he asked "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?" "Nah" one boy answered "I'd just figure it was my sister's date".
--
Local health inspector goes into a local cafe, to say the place is dirty is an understatement, in the kitchen, the owner was making some bread, he had on a dirty apron, a fag hanging out of his mouth, kneading the bread fag ash falling into the bread mix. The health inspector looks on aghast and says "just look at this place, you are making bread, smoking a fag, worktops filthy, you must have a tool for making the bread". The shop owner says "Yes, but I use that for making doughnuts".
--
The mother-in-law has been dieting for years. But it's only recently that she's achieved, in my humble opinion, the ideal weight. 1.3kg including the urn.

[bananadong]

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

"Very well, my child" says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth "Tell me about your sins".

"Well, Father" says the guy "On Monday, I was at my girlfriend's house, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned, Father".

"Don't worry, child" says the priest "It's perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins".

"But Father" continues the man "It doesn't end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned again, Father".

"Oh, child" says the Father "You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins".

"But Father" says the bloke again "On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and she wasn't there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... again I sinned, Father".

"Good Lord" says the priest "Child, you must think about what you do, so pray--" "But Father" says the bloke "On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned yet again, Father".

The priest falls silent.

"And then" continues the bloke "On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty..."

The priest still did not answer.

"And on Saturday" said the bloke "I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, well..."

The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth - only to find the priest up on the belfry.

"Father" he calls "What are you doing up there? I haven't finished!"

"Fuck off! I'm not coming down" says the priest "The two of us alone, the Church fucking empty... and I don't want you to sin anymore!"

[bananadong]

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says "This is the most important part and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line: 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress'". The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress". The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered "What happened, did I forget my line?" "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

[bananadong]

A couple had been happily married for just over 50 years when the wife died. They had spent their entire married life in the Yorkshire Dales.

The husband contacted the local newspaper to enquire about having an obituary published. But when informed of the cost by the lady in the newspaper office, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion "How Much?! You've got to be joking!"

He finally agreed he would have to pay something but wanted to spend as little as possible.

"I want summat simple" he explained. "My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wouldn't have wanted owt swanky".

"Perhaps a small poem?" suggested the woman at the newspaper obituary desk. "Nay, lass" he said "she wouldn't have wanted anything la-di-da like that. And she wouldn't have wanted me to spend too much brass. How's about we just say: "GLADYS SMITH DIED"

"You must say when she died" insisted the lady in the office. "Must I? OK, well, let's just put "DIED 12TH SEPTEMBER 2019. That'll do".

"Okay" said the newspaper lady "but it's also usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed".

The husband considered for a moment. "Well" he said "just include... SADLY MISSED... that'll do".

"For the minimum price, you can have another four words included" the woman explained. "No, no" the husband said. "Gladys wouldn't 'ave wanted me to splash out like that".

"You wouldn't have to. As I've just explained, the extra four words are included in the basic price".

"Are they? You mean I will 'ave paid for 'em anyway?" "Yes, indeed, Mr Smith". "Well, if I'm paying for 'em, I'm damn well 'avin 'em!"

The final wording was agreed and the following obituary was duly printed in the next day's edition of the Yorkshire Post"

"GLADYS SMITH DIED 12TH SEPTEMBER 2019. SADLY MISSED. ALSO TRACTOR FOR SALE".

[bananadong]

A man who worked for a fire station came home from work one day and told his wife "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks.

So, from now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed, and when I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night".

The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1" and his wife took off her clothes. He then yelled "Bell 2" and his wife jumped into bed. Then he yelled "Bell 3" and they began to make love.

After 2 minutes, his wife yelled "Bell 4!"

The husband asked "What's this Bell 4??" And the wife replied "More Hose!! You're nowhere near the fire!"

[bananadong]

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, and strips off and says says "This is for the flowers!" "Don't be silly" says Paddy "You must have a vase somewhere!"
--
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?" She screamed "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!" He shrugged and turned away saying "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then".
--
A doctor, examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said "I don't like the looks of your wife at all". "Me neither doc" said the husband "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids".

[bananadong]

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a note with $20 attached to it in his mouth reading "10 Lamb chops please".

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After a while he stands on his back paws to push the 'stop' bell, and then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.

He barks repeatedly. No answer.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself *WHAP* against the door.

He does this again and again. No answer.

So, he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds "Genius, my arse! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[bananadong]

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.

Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed.

He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

"Not really, Papa, it was boring.

We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shite, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left wing prick, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!
We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw.

[bananadong]

An old Marine pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a beautiful young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked "Are you a real pilot?"
He replied "Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so yeah, I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?"
She said "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women".
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked "Are you a real pilot?" He replied "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian".

[bananadong]

An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying.

The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The mortician apologised and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the funeral parlour to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.

When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears, as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit" the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit".

Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.

"After that" he continued "it was just a matter of swapping the heads".