My wife told me that she was cold this morning, I told her to go stand in the corner and she would warm up, how is this possible she asked. I told her the corner is 90 degrees.
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A young straight couple was in love but they were so poor they could only afford to get married at a gay church. So they met with their gay pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants" whispered the pastor. "Umm, Reverend, I've changed my mind" the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service".
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The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favoured to win nationals easily. Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest". "What?" the coach says in a panic "How far down does it go?" She replies "Down to my testicles. That's something else I want to talk to you about".
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A Sydney man took his neighbour to court suing for damages. The complaint was that the neighbour's Chihuahua had killed the man's Doberman. The judge said "That's ridiculous, how could a tiny Chihuahua kill a great big Doberman?" The man replied "It got stuck in his throat".
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A Muslim immigrant kid asks his mother "Mama, what's a Democracy and what is Racism?" "Well, son, Democracy is when Australian tax payers work every day so we can get all our benefits, you know like free housing, free healthcare, more welfare payments than Australian pensioners get, and on and on, you know, that's Democracy". "But Mama, don't the Australian tax payers, and pensioners get pissed off about that?" "Sure they do, and that's called Racism!"
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A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one. He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago. "Mumma, look what I found!" the boy called out. "What do you have there?" his mother asked. With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
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The wife came dancing into the living room wearing a new dress she had bought. Pushing her hands down over her hips and looked at a window reflection and said "Do you think this dress I'm wearing makes me look fat?" I looked over the paper "No, it's the fat your wearing that makes you look fat".
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Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her make up.
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A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" "Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" "Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money". Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.
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A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening. She was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied "Oh, yeah? Prove it". He frowned for a moment, then said "Okay". He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"