The teacher was trying to get his seventh-grade history class students to think of how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel" he asked "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?" "Nah" one boy answered "I'd just figure it was my sister's date".
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Local health inspector goes into a local cafe, to say the place is dirty is an understatement, in the kitchen, the owner was making some bread, he had on a dirty apron, a fag hanging out of his mouth, kneading the bread fag ash falling into the bread mix. The health inspector looks on aghast and says "just look at this place, you are making bread, smoking a fag, worktops filthy, you must have a tool for making the bread". The shop owner says "Yes, but I use that for making doughnuts".
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The mother-in-law has been dieting for years. But it's only recently that she's achieved, in my humble opinion, the ideal weight. 1.3kg including the urn.