Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, and strips off and says says "This is for the flowers!" "Don't be silly" says Paddy "You must have a vase somewhere!"
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A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?" She screamed "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!" He shrugged and turned away saying "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then".
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A doctor, examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said "I don't like the looks of your wife at all". "Me neither doc" said the husband "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids".