There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business. Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. BEST PRICES!" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store. Best quality!" The one in the middle thinks about it for a while and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. MAIN ENTRANCE!"
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Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir" the older one replied. "I see" said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother". "Your mother? You idiot, women do not have penises!" "I know, sir" replied the recruit "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could!"
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An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion. The Italian said "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, nonstop for five minutes". The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight". The Aussie said "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, ya know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours". The Italian and Frenchman, are astonished, and asked "Two full hours? Wow! that's unbelievable. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Aussie replied "I wiped my hands on the curtains".
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me". She replies "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221".
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A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court" said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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A new, fast, sex-change procedure was unveiled recently at a medical conference. Finally, there is a rapid new method to simply attach a penis to a woman who wishes to become a man. Delegates deliberated for hours trying to figure out what to call this new breakthrough. They sat discussing: "Well, when a man has his ducts tied, it's a vasectomy, when a women gets sorted out down there it's called a hysterectomy, giving a man a woman's organ is called a vaginoplasty... etc". And, so they went on. Until one guy said: "I know, why don't we call it the strapacocktomy?"
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A man walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea'. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked return it tomorrow and get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself'. So, she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says "My god, it wasn't that creased in the shop". His funeral is this Thursday.
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Just buried my wife today after she died about a month ago. Whilst at the funeral, the undertaker pulled me one side and asked me why it had taken me so long to bury my wife after being dead for a whole month. I said I hadn't even noticed she had died at first. Shocked and surprised he asked me "Why's that?" To which I replied "Well the sex was still pretty much the same, but after a month I noticed the dishes and washing started piling up".