Jokes

[bananadong]

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.
"I have an idea!" says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...
"If he takes the money, he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he'll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he'll be a preacher".
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table.
He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down.
He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down.
He picks up the bible, leafs through it, and sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey and walks off with the bible under his arm.
"Well, how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

[bananadong]

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No" she says "they're all in the frickin' Land Rover and one of them is beeping the horn"...

[bananadong]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight" she said.
He whirled around and screamed "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN! DON'T YOU EVER STOP!?"

[bananadong]

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what they need at home? First kid says "A computer". Teacher replies "That'd be very useful, every family should have a computer". The second kid says "We really need a lawn mower" and the teacher responds by saying "That's an excellent choice". Little johnny pops up saying "At my house we don't need anything". The teacher asks him to think again carefully because everybody needs something. Little Johnny replies "Nope I'm sure. When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember Dad saying, Well, that's the last fucking thing we need".
--
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied "We don't know what to do with this baby". So the chief surgeon took one look and said "You should put him into a mental institution". "Why?" asked the head nurse. "Well" replied the chief surgeon "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts".
--
A man got in a taxi to be driven to work. They were about to turn a corner, but had to wait for the light. The taxi cab driver wasn't sure his blinkers were working so he said to the man "Will you look out the window and make sure my blinkers are working?" As requested, the man stuck his head out the window and responded "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."
--
What has happened to morality? I never thought my wedding ring would be a status symbol in the maternity ward.
--
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions" he observed. To the first mother, he said "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy". He turned to the second mum "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny". At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered "Come on, dick, let's go".
--
The woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very worried. She says "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face. What's wrong with me, doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes and then calmly says "Well I can tell you that there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".

[bananadong]

A man is dying of a rare disease.
This disease has left his body covered in large, bright, yellow, pus-filled craters and has grown exponentially worse over the course of a few months. The man is told by numerous doctors that there is no cure to his life- threatening illness and he doesn't have much time to live.
A Make-A-Wish-esque foundation hears of his condition and decides to let him live out any experience he'd like.
The man has always been a huge baseball fan, but has never been to a Major League game, so he asks to be taken to the Cincinnati Reds opening day game.
He gets to the game and gets the full experience. He's sitting right behind home plate, he's been given food and beer and memorabilia and he's having a great time.
It's the bottom of the second inning and all of a sudden, a man two rows behind him starts vomiting everywhere.
The dying man turns around and realises it's probably the sight of his disfigured body that is making the other man sick.
"I'm sorry sir" says the dying man "if my appearance is making you sick, I can leave. I don't want to ruin the game for anyone". "No, no" replies the other man "it's okay. Just enjoy the game. I'll be fine".
So the game continues and two innings later, the man two rows back starts throwing up again.
"Seriously man, if I'm grossing you out, I'll leave. I don't want to be a burden" says the dying man. "No, I swear, I'm fine" urges the other man "Just enjoy the game"
Finally, after two more innings, the man two rows back starts vomiting worse than before. "I'm just going to go". Demands the dying man. "I'm sorry I've ruined the game for you. I'm just going to leave".
At that the man two rows back finally responds. "No, I'm telling you it's not you at all, it's just... the man behind you keeps dipping his nachos in your neck".

[bananadong]

One morning, at the research lab an assistant accidentally left a cage open while cleaning, and a little bunny rabbit escaped when he wasn't looking.
The little bunny rabbit followed the assistant out of the room, down the hallway, and right out the door.
The little bunny rabbit looked around in amazement; he'd been born in a cage, he'd never seen the outside before! He hopped over onto the grass, feeling it under his little bunny feet for the first time. He hopped down into a meadow, bewildered at all the new experiences: the grass, the blue sky, the fresh air...
"Hiya, pal! You're new around here!" The little bunny rabbit turned at the sound to see another little bunny rabbit. This meadow bunny didn't look sickly like the other bunnies in the lab, though. He looked strong and healthy.
"Y-yes, I, uh, just got here".
The meadow bunny smiled and said "Well, come with me, pal. I'll show you around!" He led the little bunny rabbit to a wide field that was covered in small purple flowers. "This is our clover field, help yourself and eat as much as you'd like".
Hesitantly, the little bunny rabbit took a bite. It was delicious! "Oh, my! This is so much better than the pellets they fed me in the lab!" He ate and ate until he could eat no more.
The meadow bunny said "I'll bet you're thirsty! Come on, let's get you a drink". He led the little bunny rabbit to a burbling stream. "As you can see, the water never stops. Whenever you're thirsty, come and drink all you'd like".
The little bunny rabbit took a drink. It was the sweetest water he'd ever tasted! "My" said the little bunny rabbit. "This water is so refreshingly cold, and it doesn't taste like plastic!" He drank until his thirst was quenched.
"Come with me" said the meadow bunny. "I want to introduce you to everyone". And he led the little bunny rabbit to a clearing where dozens of girl bunnies leaped about and played. He introduced the little bunny rabbit to the girl bunnies, who all were very excited to meet him. And so that is how the little bunny rabbit spent his first afternoon of freedom: eating sweet clover, drinking cold fresh water, and frolicking with the girl bunnies.
The western sky was reddening and the shadows of the trees were stretching long across the clearing when the meadow bunny hopped up to the little bunny rabbit and said "Friend, you look tired! Come with me and I'll show you where you can sleep".
The little bunny rabbit said "Thank you, new friend. You and all the others have been very kind, but I must go now".
Astonished, the meadow bunny said "But... why?" "I have to get back to the lab" said the little bunny rabbit. "I'm dyin' for a smoke".

[bananadong]

Two Robbers entered a bank in a small town.
One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you".
Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.
One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner. The robber approached her saying "Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly".
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.
While running from the bank the youngest robber, who had a college degree, said to the oldest robber, who had barely finished elementary school: "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole?" The older man replied: "Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank".
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.
After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen". "Wait, said the Accountant "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today's robbery".
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.
The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million. The robbers then counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble. "We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe it's better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber".
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.
Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.

[bananadong]

A young man is being pursued by a young admiring woman. Eventually, he has no choice but to grant her a private audience.
Relentlessly she asks him for a quickie in the sack though he tried hard to refuse her. Finally giving in to her demands for carnal knowledge, he says "Okay, but there is one condition: I have a particular fetish that you must perform in order to sleep with me". "I'll do anything for you" replies the succubus "Just name it".
So the man says to the woman "You know... I really enjoy it when there's a sort of lightning effect. So you must reach over to that switch on the wall and flick it on and off every few seconds".
The woman agrees and starts flicking the light switch off with her left arm. She then asks "Now can I fuck you?"
"Not quite yet" replies the man. "Lightning is nice, but it doesn't really mean much without thunder. So with your right leg, I want you to open and close the cabinet door whenever you flick the light on".
"Okay" says the horny young maid, and she begins to coordinate her flicks and clacks. "Now can I fuck you?" she asks as she is switching between arm and leg movements.
"Not quite yet" replies the man. "This is all very nice, but there can't really be thunder and lightning without wind. I'd like you to reach behind your head with your right hand and open and shut the windows".
She says "Okay" and begins opening the shutter and closing it with her right hand. And of course, it's raining and some drops are coming in the window.
So there she is, making lightning with her left hand, creating thunder with her right leg, and using her right hand to make wind and rain. Desperate and beyond understanding of his fetish, the young woman finally begs him "NOW can we fuck? PLEASE?!"
And the young man looks at her shocked and says "What do you mean 'have sex'? In this weather!?"

[bananadong]

Two blondes failed math class and have to take an oral exam with the professor.
The prof asks the first blonde "You are travelling in a train and it is very hot, what do you do?" "I open the window".
"Great. The train is travelling north-east at 80 miles per hour, and a wind blows south at 12 miles per hour. Given the size of the cabin is 9 cubic meters and the surface area of the open window is 2 square meters, how long does it take for the room to fill with fresh air?"
"I... I don't know..."
"Clearly you have not studied" says the professor "I'll see you next year".
He turns to the second blonde. "Miss, you are travelling in a train and it is very hot, what do you do?" "I take off my jacket".
"Ok, but it is still too hot". "Then I take off my sweater and unbutton my shirt".
"It is far too hot for that still". "Well then" says the blonde "I take off my shirt, and pants, and underpants, and I guess I sit there naked".
"And what if there are some sketchy men in the cabin with you getting excited by this?" the prof asks. "Look" exclaims the blonde "I don't care if Bill Cosby is sitting on my left, Derrick Rose on my right, and Donald Trump just walked through the door, I'm not opening that fucking window!"

[bananadong]

Three men are preparing to go on a sightseeing plane ride. They were just about to leave, but then they decided that they wanted some snacks for their plane ride, so they head to a local grocery store before going to the airport.
While there, the first man buys an apple. The second man buys a pear. The third man buys a bomb, thinking it was also a piece of fruit. After checking out, they went to the airport.
They got onto the very small sightseeing plane and the pilot took off. The tour was very lovely, and the men got to see all sorts of wonderful features, both manmade and natural. About halfway through the tour, the men got hungry.
The first man tried his apple. "This tastes disgusting!" he said, and threw it out the window.
The second man tries his pear. "This tastes disgusting!" he said, and threw it out the window.
The third man tries to eat his bomb. He finds he cannot bite into it, so he too threw it out the window.
The plane lands and the men decided to get a real meal.
They went to a nearby Italian restaurant, where they gorged themselves. After they ate, the second man suggested that they go for a walk to ease their stomachs. They headed over to a local park where they came across a little girl who was crying.
The first man said "Why are you crying little girl?" She responded "An apple fell out of the sky, and hit me on the head".
The men comforted her until her mother came over, then they continued on their walk. Soon they came across a little boy who was crying.
The second man asked "Why are you crying little boy?" He responded "A pear fell out of the sky, and knocked my kite into that tree".
The men helped the kid retrieve his kite, and then continued on their walk again. Then, they came across another little girl, but this one was laughing her butt off.
The third man asked her "Why are you laughing your butt off, little girl?" She responded, choking back tears "I farted, and the building behind me blew up!"

[bananadong]

A Polish man moved to America and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him "very quick". The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "TAK, TAK, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms".
LAWYER: "No" I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar" he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No" he replied "we have a two-car carport, and have never really needed one".
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland ".
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes".
LAWYER: "No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her".
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "NO, she white".
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me".
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof".
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says 'Polish Remover!'"

[bananadong]

I am so naive. The lads in the pub were saying how good a blow job was yesterday. I didn't know what a blow job was so I just agreed so as not to look daft. Later on at home I asked the girl I was seeing if she knew. "Do you know what a blow job is?" She got up and walked out of the room, which was upsetting as she was sucking my dick at the time.
--
I went for a job interview today and the manager said "We're looking for someone who is responsible". "Well, I'm your man". I replied "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible".
--
Hunter was 4-years-old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked "Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?" His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. "Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse". "Oh," Little Hunter said "OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily "Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you".
--
A beautiful, sexy, blonde girl came home unexpectedly one night. She went upstairs and opened the door to the bedroom. What she saw completely shocked her. A woman having sex with her husband. She immediately ran down stairs, loaded a pistol with ammo and went back up to confront the husband. As she stood in the doorway, she held the pistol against her own head, tears streaming forth. Her husband, totally aghast, said... "Honey! I am so sorry... please don't do this. She screamed back at him..."Shut up you arsehole, you're next!"
--
On a train from London to Manchester to watch the cricket, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us? Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood... What do you say to that?" The Englishman replied "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
--
My wife arrived back from her driving test today. "So" I asked excitedly "how did you get on?" "Not good" she replied. "He failed me!". "Oh dear!" I said sympathetically. "It can't be that bad, what did he pull you up on?". "A rope" she replied. "The car's still at the bottom of the lale".
--
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted "Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw" the man hollered back "Ain't been any for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'" the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em".

[bananadong]

A Muslim woman in full dress knocked on my door last night. I didn't open the door, I just spoke to her through the letterbox to see how she likes it!
-
Three Eskimos are sitting around an ice hole fishing when the topic of coldest igloo pops up.
The first Eskimo says "My igloo is definitely the coldest. I'll show you"
So they all head over to the first Eskimo's igloo where he says "Watch this". He gathers up a big wad of spit in his mouth and spits out. When the spit hits the floor all they hear is 'plink-plink-plink'.
The second Eskimo says "That's nothing. Let's go to my igloo".
They all head to the second Eskimo's igloo and pile in. The second Eskimo says "Watch this". At this point the second Eskimo pulls down his fur laden pants, whips out his penis and starts pissing in the air. As the piss arcs towards the floor, the Eskimos see the pee start to freeze mid-air in a perfect crystallized arc before a drop even hits the floor and then shatters on the floor.
The third Eskimo chimes in "Impressive, but you aint seen nothing". He ushers them to his igloo, and when he gets there he starts shuffling through some dirty clothes in a hamper. He pulls out a pair of white underpants and holds it up for the other two Eskimos to inspect. All they could see was that the underpants had a brown streak on the back.
The first two Eskimos look at him puzzled. The first saying "So, you shit yourself, that doesn't make your igloo the coldest".
The third Eskimo says "Hold on, hold on". He goes to a nearby fire and holds the underpants over it.
After a few seconds the underpants let out a huge long fa

[bananadong]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.
He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said "This is from the gentleman seated over there" and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a $1M in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady. It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari California, a BMW i8, a Mercedes SLS, and a Porsche cayenne in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over $20M in the bank and investments.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the fucking wine back'.

[bananadong]

A traveling salesman employs a man with a stutter to sell toothbrushes.
His expectations are low for this guy, so he gives him a couple dozen toothbrushes to sell, expecting him to flop out.
To his surprise, the man returns in an hour with all the money.
"S-s-sold then a-all!" he says.
The salesman chalks it up to beginners' luck, and hands the stuttering man a hundred toothbrushes, and sends him out.
By the end of the day, he returns with all the cash from selling them.
"F-f-finished. I c-c-can sell a lot m-more" he says.
Bewildered, the salesman hands the man box upon box, a thousand toothbrushes, convinced that this will keep him busy for a while. But in 3 days, the stuttering man returns, having sold all the toothbrushes.
"That's it" the salesman exclaims. "How can you sell better than me? You have an obvious stutter, it must be impossible to complete a sale. Show me how you manage to sell so many of my toothbrushes".
So the man with the stutter takes his boss to the airport, where he sets up a table in a busy terminal. He displays the toothbrushes and some chips n' dip on the table. The salesman stared at him, stunned.
"This is it? That's all you do?" "T-t-taste the ch-chips, man".
The salesman walks up and takes a chip, dips it, and eats it. He instantly spits it out and starts gagging.
"This, ---spfftt---, this tastes like *shit*!" "Y-y-yup. Want a t-t-toothbrush?"

[bananadong]

The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself".
"After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb".
The crowd applauded.
The second lady from Russia, stood up and said "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well".
The crowd again applauded.
The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia, stood up and said "Afta lass year's conference, I wen 'ome and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin' his tucker and washin' his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.
The crowd went wild with applause.
She continued "Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day, I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye".

[bananadong]

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo.
As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.
They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
Well, the guy has his doubts, but hey, he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage.
The people all cheer to see him.
He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up.
This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage!
As he lies there stunned, the lion roars.
He's terrified and starts screaming "Help, Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

[bananadong]

Once upon a time, in a kingdom, there live a Queen with humungous breasts.
Every man in the kingdom fantasized about the Queen and her huge breasts. The general, Lucas, especially wanted to play with them but he knew that it was impossible. He told the royal doctor about his obsession with the queen's breasts. The doctor told him that he would help but he will charge a thousand gold coins for doing so. Lucas agreed to give him whatever amount he wanted as long as he gets to fondle those titties.
The next day, the doctor snuck into the queen's room as she was bathing and put some itchy powder in her bra.
The Queen started getting an itch on her breasts and it wouldn't stop so she told the King about it and the King turned to the doctor about it. The doctor said that her itch would stop by the saliva of general Lucas only.
So the King summoned Lucas and ordered him to lick her breasts. Lucas did so happily, licKing each and every part of her boobs. The doctor had given Lucas the antidote to put in his mouth before he would start.
The Queen was eased and Lucas was satisfied. The doctor asked for his fees but Lucas refused thinking that the doctor couldn't complain to the King or court.
But the doctor wanted revenge so he took the same itchy powder and put it in the king's underpants as he was bathing.
Again, Lucas was summoned this time to ease the King.
Moral of the story - pay your bills!

[bananadong]

In the midst of the Cold War, the CIA sends its best spy into Russia. He has spent the last 10 years learning how to blend in with the locals. He speaks perfect Russian, he can dance the Kalinka better than anyone, and he can drink an entire bottle of vodka without batting an eyelash.
As soon as he's ready, a helicopter flies him by night to a remote Russian province and sets him down near a village.
The spy knocks on the first door in the village, posing as a poor lost traveler. An old babushka answers the door.
"Please madam" says our spy in perfect Russian "I was lost in the forest, and I need somewhere to stay". "Well you can't stay here" says Babushka. "You are an American spy".
Shocked that she guessed his secret, the spy nevertheless kept his cool. "You are mistaken, madam" he says. "I am from Russia. Otherwise, I would not know how to do this".
And he dances his perfect Kalinka.
"You dance well" says Babushka. "But you are still an American spy".
Getting nervous, the spy tries again. "You are mistaken, madam" he says. "I can prove it for certain". He pulls a bottle of vodka from his rucksack and chugs the whole thing.
"You hold your vodka" says Babushka "But you are still an American spy".
"Alright" sighs the spy. "I give up. But I speak perfect Russian, danced the Kalinka, and drank a whole bottle of vodka - how did you know I'm an American spy?"
"You're black".

[bananadong]

A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant. "Men prefer thin women" said the skinny woman. "Really? Did your boyfriend tell you that?" said the fat one. "No, your boyfriend did".
--
"Where's the barber who worked on the next chair?" asked the old customer as he was getting a shave. Hadn't you heard about Bill? said the barber. It was a very sad case. He grew nervous and despondent over poor business, and one day when a customer said he didn't care for a massage he suddenly went out of his mind and slashed the customer's throat. He is in the asylum for the criminal insane now. Will you be having a massage, sir?" "Sure, go ahead!" said the customer.
--
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said "Your first job will be to sweep out the store". "But I'm a graduate" the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that" said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how"...
--
I walked into the pub earlier and shouted "I'd like to buy a round of drinks for everyone!". There were loud cheers and people were clapping me on the back in gratitude. About half an hour later the landlord smiled "That was some gesture "before presenting bar with a bill for $826. "Mate, fucking hell!" I protested "I said I'd LIKE to... I never said I could actually afford it"...
--
A man's business was growing and he decided to open his first international office in Australia. His friends got together and decided to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card "Rest in Peace" The owner was angry and immediately called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this... Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying 'Congratulations on your new location down under'".
--
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon. Not Bad.
--
An elderly couple stopped at a motorway service station for lunch. After having something to eat, they continued on their way. About an hour later she remembered she had left her glasses in the restaurant. If this wasn't bad enough, they had to drive a further 20 miles to turn around. All the way back to the restaurant the husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained scolding his wife the entire return drive. He wouldn't let up for a minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old geezer yelled at her "While you're at it, you might as well get my hat and credit card!"
--
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This fat chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said "Hi sweetie... how about you take me back to your place and we'll have some fun?" I said "Sorry, I can't. I haven't got any lubricant". She said breathlessly "You won't need any lubricant with me sweetie". I said "Yes I will. I've only got standard size door frames".

[bananadong]

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond. The Amish man shouts: "Nicht das Wasser trinken, die Schweine haben Scheiße drin". which means: "Don't drink the water; the pigs have shit in it". The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English. "The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more".
--
A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said "Your heart would be just below your left breast". Later that night Mildred was wheeled to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[bananadong]

A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks "What's the matter?" The guy replies "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods".
The bartender suggests "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?" The guy says "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it".
A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender says "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"
A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!" The bartender yells "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.
The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

[bananadong]

The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash.
When her husband asks "Where did that come from?" She replies "I won it in a lottery!" To which he replies "That's great! Let's go celebrate".
The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat.
Again, the husband asks "Where did that come from?" She says "I couldn't believe it! Another lottery ticket came through for me!!"
The next day she comes in, looking tired, wearing a two-carat diamond ring.
The husband says "I know. You won the lottery. Right?" She replies "Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Honey, would you draw me a bath? Please?" "Sure" he answers.
So, the guy goes in and starts drawing the bath water for his wife. After he gets a quarter inch of water in the bottom of the tub, he turns off the water. "Your tub is ready" he calls to his wife.
She starts to get in the tub and looks at him, dismayed, and asks "Why is there only a quarter inch of water in here?" To which he loudly replies "I wouldn't want you to get your lottery ticket wet!"

[bananadong]

Dave wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box for an interview.
The inspector asks "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Dave says "I would switch the points for one of the trains".
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box" said Dave "and I'd use the manual lever over there".
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then" Dave continues "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box".
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case" persevered Dave "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there".
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get Nev".
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's always wanted to see a train crash".

[bananadong]

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but he gets lonely after a few months...
The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc but every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.
Finally, she is well enough to walk and she says to him "thank you, thank you for saving my life. I do not know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it!?"
The guy thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

[bananadong]

An old priest got sick and tired hearing so many in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'm quitting!"
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen".
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen". This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until one day the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor, indicating he was quite concerned and telling the mayor "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.
But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said "I don't understand why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"