A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what they need at home? First kid says "A computer". Teacher replies "That'd be very useful, every family should have a computer". The second kid says "We really need a lawn mower" and the teacher responds by saying "That's an excellent choice". Little johnny pops up saying "At my house we don't need anything". The teacher asks him to think again carefully because everybody needs something. Little Johnny replies "Nope I'm sure. When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember Dad saying, Well, that's the last fucking thing we need".
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There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied "We don't know what to do with this baby". So the chief surgeon took one look and said "You should put him into a mental institution". "Why?" asked the head nurse. "Well" replied the chief surgeon "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts".
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A man got in a taxi to be driven to work. They were about to turn a corner, but had to wait for the light. The taxi cab driver wasn't sure his blinkers were working so he said to the man "Will you look out the window and make sure my blinkers are working?" As requested, the man stuck his head out the window and responded "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."
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What has happened to morality? I never thought my wedding ring would be a status symbol in the maternity ward.
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions" he observed. To the first mother, he said "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy". He turned to the second mum "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny". At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered "Come on, dick, let's go".
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The woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very worried. She says "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face. What's wrong with me, doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes and then calmly says "Well I can tell you that there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".