Jokes

[bananadong]

A Muslim woman in full dress knocked on my door last night. I didn't open the door, I just spoke to her through the letterbox to see how she likes it!
-
Three Eskimos are sitting around an ice hole fishing when the topic of coldest igloo pops up.
The first Eskimo says "My igloo is definitely the coldest. I'll show you"
So they all head over to the first Eskimo's igloo where he says "Watch this". He gathers up a big wad of spit in his mouth and spits out. When the spit hits the floor all they hear is 'plink-plink-plink'.
The second Eskimo says "That's nothing. Let's go to my igloo".
They all head to the second Eskimo's igloo and pile in. The second Eskimo says "Watch this". At this point the second Eskimo pulls down his fur laden pants, whips out his penis and starts pissing in the air. As the piss arcs towards the floor, the Eskimos see the pee start to freeze mid-air in a perfect crystallized arc before a drop even hits the floor and then shatters on the floor.
The third Eskimo chimes in "Impressive, but you aint seen nothing". He ushers them to his igloo, and when he gets there he starts shuffling through some dirty clothes in a hamper. He pulls out a pair of white underpants and holds it up for the other two Eskimos to inspect. All they could see was that the underpants had a brown streak on the back.
The first two Eskimos look at him puzzled. The first saying "So, you shit yourself, that doesn't make your igloo the coldest".
The third Eskimo says "Hold on, hold on". He goes to a nearby fire and holds the underpants over it.
After a few seconds the underpants let out a huge long fa

[bananadong]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.
He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said "This is from the gentleman seated over there" and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a $1M in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady. It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari California, a BMW i8, a Mercedes SLS, and a Porsche cayenne in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over $20M in the bank and investments.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the fucking wine back'.

[bananadong]

A traveling salesman employs a man with a stutter to sell toothbrushes.
His expectations are low for this guy, so he gives him a couple dozen toothbrushes to sell, expecting him to flop out.
To his surprise, the man returns in an hour with all the money.
"S-s-sold then a-all!" he says.
The salesman chalks it up to beginners' luck, and hands the stuttering man a hundred toothbrushes, and sends him out.
By the end of the day, he returns with all the cash from selling them.
"F-f-finished. I c-c-can sell a lot m-more" he says.
Bewildered, the salesman hands the man box upon box, a thousand toothbrushes, convinced that this will keep him busy for a while. But in 3 days, the stuttering man returns, having sold all the toothbrushes.
"That's it" the salesman exclaims. "How can you sell better than me? You have an obvious stutter, it must be impossible to complete a sale. Show me how you manage to sell so many of my toothbrushes".
So the man with the stutter takes his boss to the airport, where he sets up a table in a busy terminal. He displays the toothbrushes and some chips n' dip on the table. The salesman stared at him, stunned.
"This is it? That's all you do?" "T-t-taste the ch-chips, man".
The salesman walks up and takes a chip, dips it, and eats it. He instantly spits it out and starts gagging.
"This, ---spfftt---, this tastes like *shit*!" "Y-y-yup. Want a t-t-toothbrush?"

[bananadong]

The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself".
"After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb".
The crowd applauded.
The second lady from Russia, stood up and said "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well".
The crowd again applauded.
The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia, stood up and said "Afta lass year's conference, I wen 'ome and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin' his tucker and washin' his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.
The crowd went wild with applause.
She continued "Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day, I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye".

[bananadong]

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo.
As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.
They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
Well, the guy has his doubts, but hey, he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage.
The people all cheer to see him.
He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up.
This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage!
As he lies there stunned, the lion roars.
He's terrified and starts screaming "Help, Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

[bananadong]

Once upon a time, in a kingdom, there live a Queen with humungous breasts.
Every man in the kingdom fantasized about the Queen and her huge breasts. The general, Lucas, especially wanted to play with them but he knew that it was impossible. He told the royal doctor about his obsession with the queen's breasts. The doctor told him that he would help but he will charge a thousand gold coins for doing so. Lucas agreed to give him whatever amount he wanted as long as he gets to fondle those titties.
The next day, the doctor snuck into the queen's room as she was bathing and put some itchy powder in her bra.
The Queen started getting an itch on her breasts and it wouldn't stop so she told the King about it and the King turned to the doctor about it. The doctor said that her itch would stop by the saliva of general Lucas only.
So the King summoned Lucas and ordered him to lick her breasts. Lucas did so happily, licKing each and every part of her boobs. The doctor had given Lucas the antidote to put in his mouth before he would start.
The Queen was eased and Lucas was satisfied. The doctor asked for his fees but Lucas refused thinking that the doctor couldn't complain to the King or court.
But the doctor wanted revenge so he took the same itchy powder and put it in the king's underpants as he was bathing.
Again, Lucas was summoned this time to ease the King.
Moral of the story - pay your bills!

[bananadong]

In the midst of the Cold War, the CIA sends its best spy into Russia. He has spent the last 10 years learning how to blend in with the locals. He speaks perfect Russian, he can dance the Kalinka better than anyone, and he can drink an entire bottle of vodka without batting an eyelash.
As soon as he's ready, a helicopter flies him by night to a remote Russian province and sets him down near a village.
The spy knocks on the first door in the village, posing as a poor lost traveler. An old babushka answers the door.
"Please madam" says our spy in perfect Russian "I was lost in the forest, and I need somewhere to stay". "Well you can't stay here" says Babushka. "You are an American spy".
Shocked that she guessed his secret, the spy nevertheless kept his cool. "You are mistaken, madam" he says. "I am from Russia. Otherwise, I would not know how to do this".
And he dances his perfect Kalinka.
"You dance well" says Babushka. "But you are still an American spy".
Getting nervous, the spy tries again. "You are mistaken, madam" he says. "I can prove it for certain". He pulls a bottle of vodka from his rucksack and chugs the whole thing.
"You hold your vodka" says Babushka "But you are still an American spy".
"Alright" sighs the spy. "I give up. But I speak perfect Russian, danced the Kalinka, and drank a whole bottle of vodka - how did you know I'm an American spy?"
"You're black".

[bananadong]

A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant. "Men prefer thin women" said the skinny woman. "Really? Did your boyfriend tell you that?" said the fat one. "No, your boyfriend did".
--
"Where's the barber who worked on the next chair?" asked the old customer as he was getting a shave. Hadn't you heard about Bill? said the barber. It was a very sad case. He grew nervous and despondent over poor business, and one day when a customer said he didn't care for a massage he suddenly went out of his mind and slashed the customer's throat. He is in the asylum for the criminal insane now. Will you be having a massage, sir?" "Sure, go ahead!" said the customer.
--
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said "Your first job will be to sweep out the store". "But I'm a graduate" the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that" said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how"...
--
I walked into the pub earlier and shouted "I'd like to buy a round of drinks for everyone!". There were loud cheers and people were clapping me on the back in gratitude. About half an hour later the landlord smiled "That was some gesture "before presenting bar with a bill for $826. "Mate, fucking hell!" I protested "I said I'd LIKE to... I never said I could actually afford it"...
--
A man's business was growing and he decided to open his first international office in Australia. His friends got together and decided to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card "Rest in Peace" The owner was angry and immediately called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this... Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying 'Congratulations on your new location down under'".
--
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon. Not Bad.
--
An elderly couple stopped at a motorway service station for lunch. After having something to eat, they continued on their way. About an hour later she remembered she had left her glasses in the restaurant. If this wasn't bad enough, they had to drive a further 20 miles to turn around. All the way back to the restaurant the husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained scolding his wife the entire return drive. He wouldn't let up for a minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old geezer yelled at her "While you're at it, you might as well get my hat and credit card!"
--
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This fat chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said "Hi sweetie... how about you take me back to your place and we'll have some fun?" I said "Sorry, I can't. I haven't got any lubricant". She said breathlessly "You won't need any lubricant with me sweetie". I said "Yes I will. I've only got standard size door frames".

[bananadong]

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond. The Amish man shouts: "Nicht das Wasser trinken, die Schweine haben Scheiße drin". which means: "Don't drink the water; the pigs have shit in it". The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English. "The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more".
--
A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said "Your heart would be just below your left breast". Later that night Mildred was wheeled to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[bananadong]

A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks "What's the matter?" The guy replies "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods".
The bartender suggests "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?" The guy says "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it".
A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender says "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"
A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!" The bartender yells "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.
The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

[bananadong]

The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash.
When her husband asks "Where did that come from?" She replies "I won it in a lottery!" To which he replies "That's great! Let's go celebrate".
The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat.
Again, the husband asks "Where did that come from?" She says "I couldn't believe it! Another lottery ticket came through for me!!"
The next day she comes in, looking tired, wearing a two-carat diamond ring.
The husband says "I know. You won the lottery. Right?" She replies "Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Honey, would you draw me a bath? Please?" "Sure" he answers.
So, the guy goes in and starts drawing the bath water for his wife. After he gets a quarter inch of water in the bottom of the tub, he turns off the water. "Your tub is ready" he calls to his wife.
She starts to get in the tub and looks at him, dismayed, and asks "Why is there only a quarter inch of water in here?" To which he loudly replies "I wouldn't want you to get your lottery ticket wet!"

[bananadong]

Dave wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box for an interview.
The inspector asks "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Dave says "I would switch the points for one of the trains".
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box" said Dave "and I'd use the manual lever over there".
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then" Dave continues "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box".
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case" persevered Dave "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there".
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get Nev".
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's always wanted to see a train crash".

[bananadong]

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but he gets lonely after a few months...
The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc but every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.
Finally, she is well enough to walk and she says to him "thank you, thank you for saving my life. I do not know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it!?"
The guy thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

[bananadong]

An old priest got sick and tired hearing so many in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'm quitting!"
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen".
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen". This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until one day the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor, indicating he was quite concerned and telling the mayor "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.
But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said "I don't understand why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"