A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant. "Men prefer thin women" said the skinny woman. "Really? Did your boyfriend tell you that?" said the fat one. "No, your boyfriend did".
--
"Where's the barber who worked on the next chair?" asked the old customer as he was getting a shave. Hadn't you heard about Bill? said the barber. It was a very sad case. He grew nervous and despondent over poor business, and one day when a customer said he didn't care for a massage he suddenly went out of his mind and slashed the customer's throat. He is in the asylum for the criminal insane now. Will you be having a massage, sir?" "Sure, go ahead!" said the customer.
--
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said "Your first job will be to sweep out the store". "But I'm a graduate" the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that" said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how"...
--
I walked into the pub earlier and shouted "I'd like to buy a round of drinks for everyone!". There were loud cheers and people were clapping me on the back in gratitude. About half an hour later the landlord smiled "That was some gesture "before presenting bar with a bill for $826. "Mate, fucking hell!" I protested "I said I'd LIKE to... I never said I could actually afford it"...
--
A man's business was growing and he decided to open his first international office in Australia. His friends got together and decided to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card "Rest in Peace" The owner was angry and immediately called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this... Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying 'Congratulations on your new location down under'".
--
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon. Not Bad.
--
An elderly couple stopped at a motorway service station for lunch. After having something to eat, they continued on their way. About an hour later she remembered she had left her glasses in the restaurant. If this wasn't bad enough, they had to drive a further 20 miles to turn around. All the way back to the restaurant the husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained scolding his wife the entire return drive. He wouldn't let up for a minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old geezer yelled at her "While you're at it, you might as well get my hat and credit card!"
--
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This fat chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said "Hi sweetie... how about you take me back to your place and we'll have some fun?" I said "Sorry, I can't. I haven't got any lubricant". She said breathlessly "You won't need any lubricant with me sweetie". I said "Yes I will. I've only got standard size door frames".