Jokes

[bananadong]

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond. The Amish man shouts: "Nicht das Wasser trinken, die Schweine haben Scheiße drin". which means: "Don't drink the water; the pigs have shit in it". The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English. "The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more".
--
A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said "Your heart would be just below your left breast". Later that night Mildred was wheeled to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[bananadong]

A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks "What's the matter?" The guy replies "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods".
The bartender suggests "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?" The guy says "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it".
A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender says "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"
A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!" The bartender yells "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.
The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

[bananadong]

The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash.
When her husband asks "Where did that come from?" She replies "I won it in a lottery!" To which he replies "That's great! Let's go celebrate".
The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat.
Again, the husband asks "Where did that come from?" She says "I couldn't believe it! Another lottery ticket came through for me!!"
The next day she comes in, looking tired, wearing a two-carat diamond ring.
The husband says "I know. You won the lottery. Right?" She replies "Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Honey, would you draw me a bath? Please?" "Sure" he answers.
So, the guy goes in and starts drawing the bath water for his wife. After he gets a quarter inch of water in the bottom of the tub, he turns off the water. "Your tub is ready" he calls to his wife.
She starts to get in the tub and looks at him, dismayed, and asks "Why is there only a quarter inch of water in here?" To which he loudly replies "I wouldn't want you to get your lottery ticket wet!"

[bananadong]

Dave wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box for an interview.
The inspector asks "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Dave says "I would switch the points for one of the trains".
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box" said Dave "and I'd use the manual lever over there".
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then" Dave continues "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box".
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case" persevered Dave "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there".
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get Nev".
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's always wanted to see a train crash".

[bananadong]

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but he gets lonely after a few months...
The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc but every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.
Finally, she is well enough to walk and she says to him "thank you, thank you for saving my life. I do not know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it!?"
The guy thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

[bananadong]

An old priest got sick and tired hearing so many in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'm quitting!"
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen".
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen". This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until one day the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor, indicating he was quite concerned and telling the mayor "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.
But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said "I don't understand why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"