Jokes

[bananadong]

After having their eleventh child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.
So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem".
"Trust me, it will do the job" said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5" at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

[bananadong]

I went out nightclubbing last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said "Good legs". The girl giggled and said "Do you really think so?" I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now".

[bananadong]

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat". Little Johnny replied "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old". The man asked "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

[bananadong]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem". The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mum" he exclaimed "for me?" "Just take two" Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father".

[bananadong]

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door". John says "Well, give me some examples". Jill proceeds to tell him "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me". "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either". Then Jill said "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" John proceeds to say "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock".

[bananadong]

A man answers his front door and there's a Guard standing there holding a photo. "Is this your wife, sir?" says the Guard. Shocked, the man says "Yes, it is". Guard says "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". "Yeah I know" says the man "but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids".

[bananadong]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right". The man thanked the boy kindly and said "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday... I'll show you how to get to Heaven". The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're bullshitting me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office!"

[bananadong]

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So, when she goes inside to pay, she explains the problem and asks the attendant for help. He hands her an old wire coat hanger and explains how to push it through the window etc. She returns outside and begins to try and catch the lock with hanger. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring. Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while another blonde inside the car is saying "A little more to the Ieft... a little more to the right!"

[bananadong]

A cranky older woman in her senior years was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool".
The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store".
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. In a nasty tone she replied "Nine! But why do you care about that?" The judge answered patiently "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail - one day for each peach".
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak. The judge said "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"
The husband said meekly "Your Honour, she also stole two cans of peas".