Jokes

[bananadong]

Many people are unaware how much the ability to spell correctly is overrated.

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

[bananadong]

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Big Piney, Wyoming for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball? The barber replied "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

[bananadong]

Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says "You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..." "Let me tell you a story" says the other man "Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you and to your right is a very horny gay man". "So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man. "Well... which one do you turn your back on??"

[bananadong]

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?" Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied". The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says "You'd better hurry home right now. My wife died a year ago".

[bananadong]

The Australian poetry competition had come down to two finalists - a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word then allowed to make up a poem using the word: Timbuktu. The university graduate went first. He stepped to the microphone and said "Slowly across the desert sand trekked a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination, Timbuktu". The crowd went crazy. No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited "Me and Tim, a huntin' we went, met three whores, in a pop up tent, they were three, and we was two, so I bucked one and Timbuktu".

[bananadong]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps.
He whispers in her ear "Here... iron this... then get me a beer".

[bananadong]

A rich man decided to throw a party and invited all of his mates and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.He held the part y around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said "I have a 15 foot man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in".
No sooner the words were out of his mouth when there was a loud *splash* and everyone turned around to see Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc with all he had and actually kicking its arse! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo master. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally, Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in awe. After a few moments the host says "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars". "Nah, you all right bloke, I don't want it" said Jimmy. The rich man said "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet!" "How about half a million bucks then?" "No bloke. I don't want it" answered Jimmy. The host said "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again, Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?" Jimmy said "I want the name of the cunt who pushed me in the pool".

[bananadong]

A senior General is visiting a field hospital during the First World War. He comes into a ward and approaches the first bed, where the soldier struggles to come to attention, lying down.

"At ease" says the general. "Why are you here?" "Piles, sir. Chronic piles. Can't walk sir on account of the piles". "I see" says the general. "What treatment are you being given?" "Wire brush, sir. Wire brush morning and evening". "Jolly good. jolly good. And what do you want most in life?" "I want to get better so I can go out and kill the Hun for King and Country, sir". "First rate. Carry on". And the general goes to the next bed.

"At ease" says the general to the next chap. "Why are you here?" "Crabs sir. Chronic infestation of crabs". "I see" says the general, easing away a little. "What treatment?" "Wire brush sir. Morning and evening, wire brush". "Excellent. First class. And what do you most want in life?" "I want to get well so I can kill hundreds of the bosche, sir". "That's the spirit". The general moves on to the third bed.

"At ease" says the general. "What are you in hospital for?" "Pyorrheoa, sir. Chronic infection of the gums". "Yes, good, good. What treatment?" "Wire brush, sir. Morning and evening, wire brush". "That's the spirit. And what do you desire most in life?" "To get my hands on the wire brush before those two bastards use it".

[bananadong]

An American is in Saudi Arabia for a business meeting. But at the airport he finds out that the meeting is on the other side of the desert. So, he starts walking...
After a couple of hours, he is very tired and very hot. Luckily, he reaches a camel rental station so he decides to rent one to continue his journey.
Since he had never ridden a camel before, he asks the attendant how to ride it. The attendant responds: "Simple! You get on top of the camel. When you want him to start walking you say 'wow'. When you want him to go faster, you say 'wow, wow'. If you want him to go really fast, you say 'wow, wow, wow'".
So the guy gets on the camel and says "Wow". The camel starts walking. The guy thinks 'Hey! this is cool. I can get a hang of this". So he says "Wow, wow". The camel starts running slowly.
Well, the guy likes that and he thinks 'Let's see what this baby can do!' So he says "Wow, wow, wow". At this point the camel starts dashing across the desert. The guy notices that a deep ravine is approaching - really fast! At this point he realises that he forgot to ask the attendant what the 'stop' command was.
Well, he gets really scared and starts praying. The ravine keeps getting closer and closer. Right when him and the camel are about to dive into the ravine, he finishes his prayer with "Amen". Hearing this word, the camel suddenly stops; right at the edge of the cliff. The guy, white as a ghost, leans forward and looks at the bottom of the really deep ravine and says "Wow!"