Jokes

[bananadong]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?" The girl, crying, replied "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family". "Okay, Dad... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million".
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again "Sniff, sniff... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT! Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

[bananadong]

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level. He described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through bush. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'pees' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers".
Inspired by the story, the doctor said "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" "No" he replied "I'm just a crappy golfer".

[bananadong]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, Silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is". While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son "Boy, go git yo Momma..."

[bananadong]

Dad, Mabel and their son Dave lived on a small farm in the Murray River district of New South Wales, Australia. Poor Dave had no one to play with but he sure had a knack for getting into trouble.
One hot summer afternoon Dave was walking past the outhouse, which perched precariously on the bank of the mighty Murray river, when he had a mischievous idea. Dave was a strong lad and so he used all his might to push the outhouse into the river.
He couldn't control his laugher as the outhouse floated out of sight.
A few hours later Dad came up to Dave and asked "Dave, did you push the outhouse into the river?" "NO" said Dave.
So, Dad sat down with Dave and told him the story of George Washington and the cherry tree. Dave was impressed by the fact that George Washington's father didn't punish George because he was honest and admitted to his father that he had cut down the cherry tree.
When Dad asked Dave "Did you push the outhouse into the river?" Dave proudly answered "Yes father, I cannot tell a lie. I pushed the outhouse into the river".
Sure enough, Dad gave Dave a terrible beating with his belt.
Dave sobbed "George Washington didn't get punished when he told his father the truth". Dad replied "Yes but his father wasn't up the cherry tree".

[bananadong]

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said "You must be in the 5th grade".
"No, ma'am" he replied "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help".

[bananadong]

A very naive Irish farmer visits London. His first time outside the country. As soon as he arrives, he visits a pub and starts drinking. He thinks it's like home and is chatting to everyone and buying them drinks. He meets a very good-looking woman and buys her drinks all night. Soon he realises that he hasn't found a place to stay as yet. She tells him he can stay with her. When they arrive at her house, she shows him the bedroom and tells him he can sleep there and of course she joins him. They have a great night of sex. About a month later he's at home working in his field when a large car pulls up and a man carrying a briefcase approaches him. The man says "Paddy, you visited London a few weeks ago and met a woman who is actually my wife and you ended up in my house and in my bed having sex". The man produces large colour photos of them in the bed and smaller black and white images taken from a hidden camera and asks Paddy what he's going to do about it.
Paddy tells him that he had a great night and to show his appreciation he'll buy 5 of the colour photos and 4 of the black and white.

[bananadong]

A 75-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. The next day the 75-year-old reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out still nothing. We even called up Shannon, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing!" The doctor was shocked "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that damned jar open!"

[bananadong]

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So, the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. He turned to the mental patient and said "I don't hear anything". The mental patient said "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

[bananadong]

A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car. "What's up?" says the driver. "Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back" says the policeman. "Thank goodness for that" says the driver. "I thought I'd gone deaf".

[bananadong]

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona". The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser". The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors". He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke". The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I".

[bananadong]

A man has some tests done. And he asked the doctor what's wrong. The doctor says you have leg cancer. Then he says "I have some good news and some bad news". The patient says "Alright what the bad news is?" The doctor says "I have to amputate your leg". The patient asks "What is the good news?" "The guy in the bed beside you is offering to buy your slippers".

[bananadong]

This guy and this girl are at the end of their blind date and before he says good night to her, she asks if he wants to come in for a drink. Of course he agrees. So they go in the house and in her room and where says "Close your eyes. I have a surprise for you". She later says "You can open your eyes now". He opens them and, much to his surprise, she has whipped cream all over her pussy. He dives right in and starts eating the whip cream until he finds himself with a mouthful of dick. The girl starts crying and says "I should never lied to you; I'm a man! My name is Bob and I'm a plumber from Massachusetts. And the guy with a shocked look says "I thought you were from Boston!"

[bananadong]

One day little johnny was playing outside and he really had to use the bathroom. At that time his grandma was getting in the shower. As she got undressed, he looked down and said "What's that?" The grandma replied "That's my beaver". Little johnny said "Okay" The next day the same thing happened except this time it was his mum. Little johnny said "Mum, I know what that is, it's a beaver". Mum said "Did grandma tell you that?" Little johnny replied "Yes but I think grandmas is dead. Her beaver's tongue is sticking out.

[bananadong]

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead". There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says "Okay, now what?"

[bananadong]

There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realise that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heart-warming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.

[bananadong]

I went to the doctors yesterday. He said "Drop your strides and bend over". I swear he put his head up my arse. "Can't see anything wrong in there" he said as I was getting dressed. "Thank you, doc. Is that it then? Clean bill of health?" "Almost" he said "Though I'd get that loose tooth sorted ASAP".

[bananadong]

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him "Peter, come!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the Roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again "Peter, come!"
So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off!
Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The Roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm!
Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsely croaks "Peter, please, come to me!"
By now, the roman guard is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side.
Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks "yes, my Lord. What is it?" Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face "Look Peter, I can see your house from here!"

[bananadong]

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said "I think I'll get up and get a coke". "No problem" said the Soldier "I'll get it for you". While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said "That looks good, I think I'll have one too". Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes; pissing in cokes?"

[bananadong]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday".
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever". "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your Honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain BEFORE drugs and the small circle is your brain AFTER drugs". "That's admirable" says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your Honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever". "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram" the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said 'This is your arsehole BEFORE prison... '"

[bananadong]

A guy is walking through downtown and passes a porn shop that his buddy owns. He decides to go in and say hi.

He walks in and his buddy Jim is behind the counter. When Jim sees his old friend, he says "any chance you could look after the shop for a bit, I haven't had lunch yet". "No problem, go grab some food" the guy says.

About 10 minutes go by and a white lady walks into the shop. "How much for that white dildo?" She says. "Uh, the white one... $10". She says okay and he wraps it up, she pays for it, and she leaves.

A little while later a black woman comes in the store. "How much for that black dildo?" she asks. "Uh, the black one... $20". She says okay and he wraps it up, she pays for it, and she leaves.

About 20 min later a woman walks in and asks "how much for that plaid dildo?" "The plaid one? Uh $50". She says okay and he wraps it up, she pays for it, and she leaves.

10 minutes later Jim comes back in and asks how business was while he was out. "Not bad; I sold a white dildo to a white lady for $10, a black dildo to a black lady for $20, and your thermos to a russian lady for $50!"

[bananadong]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read: 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time".

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again, he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all". Paddy replied "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. My sister won twice last week".

[bananadong]

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "Cheese Sandwiches $1" and then below that, another sign that reads "Handjobs $2". He looks around for the bartender but the only other person he can see is a really attractive woman, about 25-years-old, with huge tits, at the end of the bar. He walks up to her and asks "Excuse me, but are you the one who gives the handjobs?" She replies in a sexy voice "Why yes, I am". To which he immediately responds "Well go wash your hands then, I want a sandwich"

[bananadong]

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical students. Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said "Do you know what you're a-hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied "I never thought about it before, but he's probably drinking beer at the bar with his friends".

[bananadong]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'. "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied "I know the guy".

[bananadong]

A 60-year-old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23-year-old beauty? "Simple" grins the millionaire "I faked my age". His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he had said. "Well" he replied. "I said I was 97!"

[bananadong]

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire". "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens". "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of duct tape". "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch me some ducks". "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow". "Wait up kid... I'll get my hat".

[bananadong]

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what colour your underwear is?" She replies "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it". But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue".
"Nope. You got it wrong" she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money".
When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That little motherfucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

[bananadong]

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy". "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mummy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "Me and mummy were making a baby". His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "Well flip mummy over next time, I want a puppy!"

[bananadong]

So, Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo. During a pause between songs he hears a voice from the audience: "Play a Jazz chord!" This joined by another voice: "Yes. Play a Jazz chord!" Then another and another and it soon seemed like most of the audience were shouting: "Play a Jazz chord!"
"Wow" Stevie thinks "They must really like their jazz in Japan". So Stevie launches into a jazz number and really gets into it. He finishes the number, expecting tumultuous applause. But unbelievably, there was total silence!
Then the chant starts up again: "Play a Jazz chord!" "Play a Jazz chord!" "Play a Jazz chord!" "Hmm" thinks Stevie "maybe they would prefer Jazz funk..?" So he gets into a jazz funk number, but when he finishes, again silence.
Feeling frustrated, Stevie decides to go back to his routine set. Starting on his next number the crowd went wild, cheering and clapping and when he started to sing the whole audience joined in "A jazz chord to say I ruv you!"

[bananadong]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro Jim saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee" she said. "Where?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole" she replied. He nodded knowingly and said "Then your feet were too far apart".