Jokes

[bananadong]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday".
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever". "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your Honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain BEFORE drugs and the small circle is your brain AFTER drugs". "That's admirable" says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your Honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever". "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram" the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said 'This is your arsehole BEFORE prison... '"

[bananadong]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read: 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time".

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again, he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all". Paddy replied "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. My sister won twice last week".

[bananadong]

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "Cheese Sandwiches $1" and then below that, another sign that reads "Handjobs $2". He looks around for the bartender but the only other person he can see is a really attractive woman, about 25-years-old, with huge tits, at the end of the bar. He walks up to her and asks "Excuse me, but are you the one who gives the handjobs?" She replies in a sexy voice "Why yes, I am". To which he immediately responds "Well go wash your hands then, I want a sandwich"

[bananadong]

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical students. Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said "Do you know what you're a-hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied "I never thought about it before, but he's probably drinking beer at the bar with his friends".

[bananadong]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'. "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied "I know the guy".

[bananadong]

A 60-year-old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23-year-old beauty? "Simple" grins the millionaire "I faked my age". His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he had said. "Well" he replied. "I said I was 97!"

[bananadong]

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire". "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens". "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of duct tape". "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch me some ducks". "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow". "Wait up kid... I'll get my hat".

[bananadong]

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what colour your underwear is?" She replies "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it". But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue".
"Nope. You got it wrong" she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money".
When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That little motherfucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

[bananadong]

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy". "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mummy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "Me and mummy were making a baby". His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "Well flip mummy over next time, I want a puppy!"

[bananadong]

So, Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo. During a pause between songs he hears a voice from the audience: "Play a Jazz chord!" This joined by another voice: "Yes. Play a Jazz chord!" Then another and another and it soon seemed like most of the audience were shouting: "Play a Jazz chord!"
"Wow" Stevie thinks "They must really like their jazz in Japan". So Stevie launches into a jazz number and really gets into it. He finishes the number, expecting tumultuous applause. But unbelievably, there was total silence!
Then the chant starts up again: "Play a Jazz chord!" "Play a Jazz chord!" "Play a Jazz chord!" "Hmm" thinks Stevie "maybe they would prefer Jazz funk..?" So he gets into a jazz funk number, but when he finishes, again silence.
Feeling frustrated, Stevie decides to go back to his routine set. Starting on his next number the crowd went wild, cheering and clapping and when he started to sing the whole audience joined in "A jazz chord to say I ruv you!"

[bananadong]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro Jim saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee" she said. "Where?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole" she replied. He nodded knowingly and said "Then your feet were too far apart".

[bananadong]

A police officer pulled over a man and told him because he had been wearing his seat belt, he won $1000 in their giveaway. The officer asked the man what he was going to do with the money and the man replied "Well, I'm guess I'll go to driving school and get my license". The man's wife quickly leaned over and told the officer "Officer don't listen to him. He's a smart ass when he's drunk". This woke up the guy sleeping in the backseat who, upon seeing the cop, blurted out "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car". At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked "Are we over the border yet?"

[bananadong]

I can tell just by the shoes a woman wears if I'm going to have sex with her or not. If she's wearing 3" heels or higher, I'm definitely going to be screwing her. If she's wearing nice comfy running shoes, I'm probably not going to be able to get close enough to use the taser.

[bananadong]

A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day. "What for!" he snapped at the judge. His Honour, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented "That's all right. You don't have to pay now". The young man replied "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words".

[bananadong]

A boy asks the Church Priest "What are you doing, Father?" "It's called masturbating. You'll be doing this soon" replies the priest. "Why Father?" "Because my wrist is killing me".

[bananadong]

One day Little Susie got her 'monthly' for the very first time. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

[bananadong]

A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price".

[bananadong]

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You don't want to try these techniques at home". "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years" the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes" replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in eleven".

[bananadong]

A man finds his dog with a dead rabbit in its mouth. He realises that the rabbit is a pet of his next-door neighbour. In a panic he cleans the rabbit up and sneaks it into its cage, hoping his neighbour will think their pet died of natural causes. Next day he spots his neighbour digging a hole in the flower beds and goes over to investigate. "What are you doing?" asks the man.
"Burying my rabbit again" replies the neighbour. "There sure are some sick people around here. The rabbit dropped dead on Monday, I buried it on Tuesday, and on Wednesday some bastard dug it up, gave it a wash and stuck it back in its cage".

[bananadong]

The blonde and the brunette are in New York preparing to leave for a two-week cruise. The Blonde's boyfriend has just given her a new Rolls. Nevertheless, she is fuming because Honeybear didn't give her any extra money to store the vehicle during the trip. The brunette smiles and says she will handle it. So, the brunette leaves the hotel with the blonde in tow. Together they walk across the street into a bank. The brunette asks for the loan officer. She says she and her friend are going to Europe on business for two weeks and they need to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the brunette tells the blonde to hand over the keys to her new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the stupid blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the brunette and the blonde return, repay the $5,000 plus the interest, which comes to $15.41. There is something bothering the loan officer. He says to the beautiful blonde "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that this car was purchased by a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies "You have to ask my friend. I have no idea what is going on". The brunette replies... "Where else in New York City can we park this car for two weeks for only $15.41 and fully expect it to safely be here when we return? You have provided an excellent service for which we are grateful".

[bananadong]

One day a father gets off of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers " Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson answers:

"Sir, 'Divorced Barbie' is a complete set. She comes with:

Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Dog, Ken's Children, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... as a special feature, Ken's Best Friend".

[bananadong]

A farmer and his wife were headed to market one day. They get a few miles down the road and the mule pulling the wagon just stops and refuses to move.
The farmer gets off of the wagon and walks around to the front of the wagon, grabs the mule by the ears and looks him in the eyes and says "That's one".
The farmer climbs back on the wagon and they get a few more miles down the road when the mule just stops again. So, the farmer gets off the wagon and grabs the mule by the ears again and looks him in the eyes and says "That's two".
The farmer gets back on the wagon and they get a few more miles down the road when the mule stops again. The farmer just gets off the wagon with his shotgun and shoots the mule dead right there in the road.
The farmer's wife starts yelling at him "Why did you do that? We are miles from town and miles from home what the hell is wrong with you are you stupid?!!"
The farmer walks up to his wife and grabs her by the ears and says "That's one".

[bananadong]

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the Forrest when she sees the wolf crouched behind a tree. "I can see you, Big Bad Wolf" she shouts, and the wolf runs away. Five minutes later and there's the wolf couched behind the tree again. "I can see you, Big Bad Wolf" she shouts and the wolf again runs off. Another 5 minutes and there he is again. "I can see you, Big Bad Wolf!!" And the wolf shouts "I wish you'd fuck off! I'm trying to have a shit!"

[bananadong]

This ageing man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anaesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... I've left instructions for your mother to come and live with you and your wife..."

[bananadong]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a freak skydiving accident." The blonde upset by this, starts sobbing "That's horrible! So many men being killed that way!" Confused the Husband explains "Yes dear it is sad, but there is a risk involved in sky diving" After a few minutes the blonde wife, still sobbing says "How many is a Brazilion?"

[bananadong]

One day the first-grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said "I think he said 'Holy SHIT! A talking pig!'"

[bananadong]

The owner of a chemist walks in to find a guy pushing his back against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" Clerk "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative". Owner "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" Clerk "Oh yeah? Look at him... he's too fucking scared to cough!"

[bananadong]

A gay couple is traveling on a plane. Let's call them Simon and Brad.
"What if we had sex?" asks Simon. "Are you crazy? Here... on the plane? It would be awkward... everyone would watch us doing it!" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Simon stands up and asks loudly "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody bats an eyelid. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Brad. So Simon and Brad have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the arse..."

[bananadong]

A grade school teacher meets her new class at the start of the year and starts asking them their names. She goes to the first child "What is your name?" The girl replied "Lilly". The teacher says "That's a lovely name, how did you get your name?" The girl replied "Because when I was born a lilly landed on me". She goes to the second child "What is your name?" The girl replied "Daisy". The teacher says "That's a lovely name, how did you get your name?" The girl replied "Because when I was born a daisy landed on me". She goes to the third child "What is your name?" "FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDGGE"

[bananadong]

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon". Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago". The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. "Now, what was it she wanted?" The clerk answered "Snow".