Jokes

[bananadong]

A gay couple is traveling on a plane. Let's call them Simon and Brad.
"What if we had sex?" asks Simon. "Are you crazy? Here... on the plane? It would be awkward... everyone would watch us doing it!" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Simon stands up and asks loudly "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody bats an eyelid. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Brad. So Simon and Brad have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the arse..."

[bananadong]

A grade school teacher meets her new class at the start of the year and starts asking them their names. She goes to the first child "What is your name?" The girl replied "Lilly". The teacher says "That's a lovely name, how did you get your name?" The girl replied "Because when I was born a lilly landed on me". She goes to the second child "What is your name?" The girl replied "Daisy". The teacher says "That's a lovely name, how did you get your name?" The girl replied "Because when I was born a daisy landed on me". She goes to the third child "What is your name?" "FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDGGE"

[bananadong]

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon". Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago". The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. "Now, what was it she wanted?" The clerk answered "Snow".

[bananadong]

A man farts in bed next to his wife. His wife asks "What in the world was that?" He replies "Try! I'm winning, seven nothing". She decides to get even, so she lets one loose. He yells at her "What was that?" She replies "Try! Tied score". He wants to get her back, but he tries so hard he shits the bed. The wife asks "Now what in the world was that?" He replies "Halftime, switch sides".

[bananadong]

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You obviously weren't listening".

[bananadong]

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied "How very sporting of your mother!"

[bananadong]

Two men are waiting for a train. The younger man asks the older man for the time, but the older man ignores him. After a while, the younger man again asks for the time and again the older man ignores him. Frustrated, the younger man finally asks "Why won't you answer me when I ask you for the time. The older man sighs and explains "Look, if I tell you the time, we'll start to talk. Then when the train comes, you might sit down next to me. Perhaps we'll get to know each other, and maybe I'll eventually invite you to my house for Shabbat dinner. Maybe then you and my daughter would really get along; why, you might even get engaged! And why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

[bananadong]

"We should always help abled people" says Miss Mandy to the class. "Would anyone like to share a story where you helped one?" she asks. Kevin stands up and says "I, with my 4 friends, made a blind woman cross a road!" Miss Mandy says "Wow! That's amazing! But, may I ask, why did it take 5 of you for this simple task?" "Umm... I think she didn't want to cross it..."

[bananadong]

A vicious burglar breaks into a house late at night, orders the couple out of bed and ties them up. Now the husband is a big sissy, afraid of his own shadow, so he whispers to his wife "Darling, do whatever he says. If he wants sex with you, then let him have it, otherwise he might hurt us". "Whatever you say" replies his wife. "By the way, he told me he thought you had a nice, tight little butt".

[bananadong]

A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says "Go tell your Daddy what you just said!" The boy finds his father and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!" His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says "Now, what do you have to say for yourself?" The boy replies "I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black cunts!"

[bananadong]

Dr. Drobkin was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference held in his hometown. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.
As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"
Dr. Drobkin replied "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away".
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return".
The clerk consoled him "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too".
Dr. Drobkin replied "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment".
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years".
The clerk asked "Was it before or after the Drobkin Fart?"

[bananadong]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs. One night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond in the 4th row stands on her chair and launches into a tirade...
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person - Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general, and you disguise your contempt behind a cover phrase called 'humour!' Well, I know better. I don't appreciate what you say one bit! And it isn't funny!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist stammers as he begins to apologize. The blond easily interrupts him and yells "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little shit man on your knee and if he doesn't shut up I'm gonna come up there and smash his face in!"

[bananadong]

While walking down the street one day, a high-ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven" says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you". "No problem, just let me in" says the politician.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity". "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven" says the politician. "I'm sorry but we have our rules".
And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realises it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven".
So, 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity".
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell".
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand" stammers the politician. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable".
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us".

[bananadong]

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this - especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.
But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the centre had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake".
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the centre of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper & newspaper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified. She couldn't imagine what had gone wrong. Alice was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? "Oh, my" she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP 'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South. Then, to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say "Thank you, I baked it myself".
Alice smiled and thought to herself "GOD is good".

[bananadong]

HAIR: THE FEMALE VERSION
WOMAN #1: Oh, you got a haircut! That's so cute!
WOMAN #2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy-looking?
WOMAN #1: Oh Goodness, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with it how it is, I think.
WOMAN #2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts-that would really suit you. I was going to do that except that I was afraid it would accentuate my long neck.
WOMAN #1: What's wrong with your neck? I would love to have a neck like yours; anything to take attention away from my awful shoulder line.
WOMAN #2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything hangs so well on you. You're like a walking fashion catalogue. But look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders, I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

HAIR: THE MALE VERSION
MAN #1: Haircut?
MAN #2: Yeah.

[bananadong]

One day in the city a bus driver was making his usual stops. At the first stop a woman came to the front of the bus to get off. She turned to the bus driver and said "I think I was just molested back there".
The bus driver looked at her and said "Not on my bus. You couldn't have been". So, he lets her off and drives on.
He comes to the next stop and another woman comes to the front to get off. She, too, looks at the bus driver and says "I think I was just molested back there".
Now the bus driver thinks that something has to be wrong, to get two complaints like this in one day is just unheard of. He gets up out of his seat and goes to the back of the bus. To his surprise there is a bald guy crawling on the floor on his hands and knees.
The bus driver says "Sir, what are you doing?"
The man looks at him and says "I lost my toupee. I thought I found it twice, but I lost it again".

[bananadong]

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not rung in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with a main computer, he phoned the employee's home number and was greeted with a child's whisper "Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes" whispered the small voice.
"May I speak to him?" The child whispered "No".
Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked "Is your mummy there?" "Yes".
"Well may I speak to her, then?" Again, the small voice whispered "No".
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked "Is anybody else there?" "Yes" whispered the child "a policeman".
Wondering what the police would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak to the policeman?" "No, he's busy" whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" "Talking to mummy and daddy and the fireman" came the whispered reply.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background coming down the phone, the boss asked "What's that noise?" "A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What's going on there?" demanded the boss, now really apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered "The search team has just landed a helicopter".
Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle "ME!"

[bananadong]

Superman was talking to Batman at the superhero's convention. "On my way here" he says "I was flying past Wonder Woman's flat when I looked through the window and saw her lying stark naked on her bed with her legs apart. So I fly in through the window and give her one". "Really" replies Batman "was she surprised?" "Yeah" says Superman "but not as much as the invisible man was!"

[bananadong]

Two elderly ladies have been friends for many decades. Over the years, they partook in many activities and adventures together. Lately, their activities have been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day when they were playing cards, one looked at the other and said "Now don't get mad at me - I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is?" Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said "How soon do you need to know?"

[bananadong]

My neighbour with the big boobs has been walking up and down the garden topless all day. Just wish his wife would do the same

[bananadong]

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately". The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies: "I did... today I'm taking them to the beach!"

[bananadong]

A husband and wife were vacationing in when they decided to go out on a charter fishing boat. A large wave washed her overboard where she disappeared immediately. The Coast Guard were called out for the search and the husband went back to his hotel to await the outcome. Six hours later a CG officer calls on the man at the hotel. "Sir, we dragged the bottom and managed to snag your wife's body, when we pulled her up there were 12 huge king crabs attached to her feeding on her body. But we do have some good news". "Good news!? What kind of good news could there be!?" "Well sir... we're pulling her up again tomorrow".

[bananadong]

The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead" was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realise it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply "I used to be one of his junior associates... I just like hearing you say it".

[bananadong]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently. "I think you're bad luck.

[bananadong]

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband. "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid".

[bananadong]

A blonde goes to collect her expensive jacket from the dry cleaners. The owner, an Indian lady, says "Thank you. Come again!" To which the blonde replies "No, luckily this time it was only yogurt".

[bananadong]

Uncle Ajax prided himself on his memory. He always knew where he put down his glasses, and he never seemed to forget which box held his old watches and ties. Nonetheless, one morning he discovered that his expensive new hat was not on the hat rack by the front door. He couldn't remember where he had worn it last, and he hadn't gone anywhere without it. His wife didn't know anything about it, and that lost hat really aggravated him.
He spent days looking for it.
Finally, he accepted the fact that the hat was gone forever, and, since he was also something of a cheat, decided that he'd go to the nearby church on Sunday morning, where there would be a lot of men showing up in their best clothes including, of course, fine hats. He would come in a little late and sit at the back. Then, during the service, he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to the church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon. The sermon had apparently really reached him, because, instead of sneaking out and stealing one of the parishioners' hats, he stayed behind as everyone else left the building, and went up to the pulpit to talk to the minister.
He said to the minister "Father, I have to admit that I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind".
The minister was visibly pleased, having served in that parish for 20 years without a single member complimenting him on anything he had ever said. "Bless you, my son" he burbled. "Was it when I started to preach 'thou shall not steal' that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach about that, I remembered where I left my hat".

[bananadong]

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town.
One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald" the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. "I'd love to go home with you. You're such a cutie".
"I don't mean my home" he stammered. "We have to get you out of here now".
With that he attempted to get Mrs. Fitzgerald on her feet. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realised that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said "Hey, look here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz".
The bartender looked surprised, then said "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish it up".

[bananadong]

AMERICAN MANAGEMENT EXPLAINED
A Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the North American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program" with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments in new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

[bananadong]

A young man's mother was now living in the big city and he didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that his mom was lonely.
For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.
"Ma, what do you think of the bird?"
"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer".
"You ate the bird? Mom, that bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"
"Oh, excuse me. but, if that bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"