Jokes

[bananadong]

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town.
One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald" the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. "I'd love to go home with you. You're such a cutie".
"I don't mean my home" he stammered. "We have to get you out of here now".
With that he attempted to get Mrs. Fitzgerald on her feet. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realised that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said "Hey, look here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz".
The bartender looked surprised, then said "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish it up".

[bananadong]

AMERICAN MANAGEMENT EXPLAINED
A Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the North American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program" with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments in new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

[bananadong]

A young man's mother was now living in the big city and he didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that his mom was lonely.
For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.
"Ma, what do you think of the bird?"
"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer".
"You ate the bird? Mom, that bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"
"Oh, excuse me. but, if that bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"

[bananadong]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two bratty kids in tow. Up and down the aisles she screams obscenities at them. The kids of course act miserable the whole time. No one has a clue what to do or say. As a result, the whole place is in a tense hush wherever the three of them go.
Finally, the manager sends over the official Wal-Mart Greeter. He tells the elderly man to see if he can get some peace and quiet one of the kids kicks. For his efforts, he is immediately kicked in the leg by one of the kids. Unfazed, he puts on his official greeter face and says "Good morning, Ma'am, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say "Hell no, they aint twins. The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7".
The woman actually pauses for a moment. "Hey, why would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"
"No" replies the greeter "it was just beyond my imagination to think you could actually have gotten fucked more than once!"

[bananadong]

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesday's, I go Friday's.

[bananadong]

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Joe's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked my Joe. "About $5,500" said the owner. "What a relief!" exclaimed Joe. "I've finally got job security!"

[bananadong]

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen "I want that TV". The salesperson shook his head and said "No, we don't sell to blondes". So, the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said "I'll take that TV". Again, the salesman said "No, we don't sell to blondes". So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said "I want that TV". But the salesman still said "No, we don't sell to blondes". Finally, the blonde got fed up and said "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked. The salesman answered "Cause that's a microwave".

[bananadong]

Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them gets his penis bitten by a poisonous snake. The first hunter tries to call for help, but he has no service so he climbs up a high tree while his friend waits for him in agony at the bottom. Almost at the top, he finally gets a signal on his phone and calls for help. He explains to the operator what happened and redirects him to a medic so he can tell him what to do. The medic explains that he has to suck the venom out of the bitten area. The first hunter climbs down from the tree with a sad face. The bitten hunter asks him, while in pain "What did the doctor say?" Then the first hunter replied "He said you are going to die!"

[bananadong]

"You are up before this court for the hideous crime of making love to your wife after she had died. Do you have anything to say in your defence?" "Yes, your honour. I didn't know she was dead; she'd been like that during sex for years".

[bananadong]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers.
He says "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back".
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

[bananadong]

A woman was walking down the street. Without warning, she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her purse, extracted ten dollars and asked "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago" the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive".
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well" said the woman "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight".
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting".
The woman replied "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine".

[bananadong]

The old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them".
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything".
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered: "THE TEETH".