Jokes

[maks]

are you Kent Jr?

[bananadong]

are you Kent Jr?

who wants to know?

[bananadong]

A young couple was touring southern Florida on their honeymoon and stopped at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road.
After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Wow!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Do you ever get bitten?" "Yes, upon rare occasions" answered the handler.
"Well" she continued "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?" "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound".
"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman. "Ma'am" answered the snake handler "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are".

[bananadong]

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house.
Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.
Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you" Mrs. Watkins replied "The Lord will provide".
The men shrugged and rowed on.
By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself" she told him "The Lord will provide".
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney.
When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting "The Lord will provide".
So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God.
"What happened?" she cried. "For cryin' out loud, lady" God said "I sent three boats!"

[bananadong]

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers.
Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying *THUMP* and then swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road" replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud *THUD*.
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay" replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

[bananadong]

As part of their ministry, the church decided to run a daily soup kitchen. Not surprisingly, the free food was very popular with the homeless people in the area. However, this gift did come with a small catch - first you had to listen to a sermon.
Every day the rows of pews would be filled with derelicts, bums, and plenty of people down on their luck. One afternoon, the minister decided it was time again to lecture on the evils of alcohol.
In order to get their attention, the minister began the service by putting up two glasses. One he filled with water. The other he filled with gin.
Then he pulled out a worm and dropped it in the water. The worm swam happily around in the glass of water until the minister pulled it back out. As the worm wriggled in his fingers, the minister proclaimed with certainty that the worm loved the water and that the water was safe for the worm.
Then the minister dropped the worm in the gin. Almost instantly the worm died and its ravaged body began to disappear in the toxic element.
The minister let out a satisfied cry of delight "Do you see what evils this alcohol has done!? What does this experiment prove?"
An old drunk in the back of the room spoke up "Reverend, it proves if you drink alcohol, you'll never get worms! Can we eat now?"

[bananadong]

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbour pays him a visit and says "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean 'strange'?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbours buys a gun".
--
A father had promised his two young sons he would take them on a fishing trip. The boys were digging for fishing bait in their parents' garden. Uncovering a many legged creature, one of the boys proudly dangled it before his Father. "No, son, he won't do for bait" his Father said. "He's not an earthworm". "He's not?" the boy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

[bananadong]

Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Miss Hottwot". Miss Hottwot said "Well, give me the good news first, Doc". Doctor, speaking rather sombrely, said "Your lab tests came back today, and your crabs are all gone". Miss Hottwot smiled, and said "Gee, that's great! But what's the bad news?" Doctor: "We don't know what killed them".

[bananadong]

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently" she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a mument, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered "Is that one word or two?"

[bananadong]

Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks "Mummy, can little girls have babies?" "No" says his mum "of course not". Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

[bananadong]

Two cowboys talking about sex. One cowboy says "I like the rodeo position!" "I haven't heard of that" says the other cowboy "what is it?" "Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds!"

[bananadong]

A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mum about that hair. Her mum calmly said "That part where the hair has grown is called monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair". The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister "My monkey has grown hair". Her sister smiled and said: "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas".

[bananadong]

A concerned mother warns her little boy "Don't look at naked women or you'll turn to stone". Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women. But one day Johnny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked. Johnny remembered what his mother said, and turned and ran away from the woman. His friend finally catches up to him and asks why he ran? Johnny told his friend what his mother said, and then added "and it must be true, because when I saw that woman I felt myself going rock hard in my trousers".

[bananadong]

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.
"No, thanks" says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it".
The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.
"No, thanks" the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it.
Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course.
"I suppose you play golf" says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club".
"That's kind of you, but no, thanks" the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it".
Just then a young man enters the office.
"Let me introduce my son, Mike" says the plant manager.
"Let me guess" the salesman replies "An only child?"

[bananadong]

A young fellow became marooned on a deserted South Pacific island after his cruise ship sank. For several years, he managed to live on fruits and vegetables he found on the island, together with shellfish and an occasional fish he was able to catch.
Then, one day as he was sitting on the beach, he saw an object approaching the island. As it got closer, he could see that it was a woman astride a barrel. When she finally managed to paddle the barrel ashore, he ran over to greet her, and noticed that she was a beautiful girl.
"Wow" he exclaimed "I'm sure glad to see you!"
Noticing that his clothes were gone and he had quite a beard, she asked "My goodness, how long have you been here by yourself?" "Almost four years, I think" he replied.
She said "Well, I'm going to give you something you haven't had in a long time, and I'm sure you have missed". "Well, hot damn!" he exclaimed "Have you got beer in that barrel?"

[bananadong]

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So, the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way".
So, he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain".
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

[bananadong]

A couple were roaring down the road on a Honda motorcycle when the guy pulled over because his leather jacket had a broken zip.
He told his girlfriend "I can't keep driving any more, the air hitting me in the chest is unbearable".
His girlfriend said "Try putting your jacket on back to front".
The boyfriend quickly made the change and they continued roaring down the road until the next bend! The boyfriend was going far too fast, lost control and the couple were both flung into a ditch.
A passing motorist stopped, rushed over to help, then ran to call the police.
The police telephone operator asked "Are they showing any signs of life?"
"Well" the motorist explained "the girl seems okay and her boyfriend was moving until I turned his head around the right way!"

[bananadong]

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
Now one evening there was a community supper in the big activity centre. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her "Will you marry me?"
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of careful consideration she answered "Yes. Yes, I will".
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled "Did she say 'Yes' or did she say 'No'?"
He couldn't t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart".
Then she continued "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me".

[bananadong]

A young salesman and his boss board a train headed home from a day visiting clients in a neighbouring city. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young salesman are interested in each other because they keep exchanging glances.
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a *SLAP*.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him".
The boss is sitting there thinking "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young salesman sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap your boss all at the same time!"

[bananadong]

An old lady calls the police. She complains about her neighbours and demands the police come over immediately. Two officers show up and she says "My neighbours keep having outrageous parties. They are drinking and carrying on and they are all naked and having what seems to be an orgy. I can see them every time I look out of my bedroom window!" The cops follow her upstairs into her bedroom to see about this debauchery and to their surprise there is an enormous wardrobe blocking all but a sliver of the window in her tiny bedroom. Puzzled, they ask her how she is seeing all of this. "Well officer you have to get on the bed and then climb on top of the wardrobe, then you can see them quite clearly!"

[bananadong]

A little boy and his grandmother were walking along the seashore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere and swept the child out to sea. The grandmother, horrified, falls to her knees and says "God, please return my beloved grandson. Please, I beg of you. Send him back safely." Suddenly another huge wave washed in and deposited the little boy on the sand at her feet. She picked him up, looked him over, and, looking up at the sky, said "He had a hat!"

[bananadong]

An overweight time traveller visits ancient Rome and quickly realises he's wearing historically incorrect clothes for the period. He visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realises they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk "Do you have XL togas?" Clerk: "Well, yes. But why do you need so many?"

[bananadong]

A little girl goes to the barber with her father. When his turn comes, she stands next to the chair eating a cake and the barber says to her "You're going to get hair on your muffin". "I know" she says, "I'm going to get tits as well!"

[bananadong]

It's been a really strange day. First, I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!

[bananadong]

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only one's present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him". So, the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."

[bananadong]

A guy went to a museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit. He walks around the galleries and is quite impressed by the reconstruction of these ancient animals - a T-rex, a triceratops and more. He sees a guy who works for the museum standing near one of them and says to him. "They're quite a sight. How old are they anyhow?" The guy who works for the museum, says "This one, the T Rex, is 66 million years old and six months". "Wow" the guy responds. "It is amazing that they can be that specific. How do you know?" "Well" the worker says. "He was 66 million years old six months ago and that's when I started working here".

[bananadong]

A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room. "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window of your hotel" Manager: "Sir, that's a personal matter". Husband: "The fucking window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"

[bananadong]

I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist. I rushed outside yelling "Let me through, let me through". A man at the front said "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor"? I said "No, that's my fucking pizza"

[bananadong]

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said "Someone might steal from it at night". So, they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then management said "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So, they created a planning department and hired two people - one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.
Then management said "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So, they created a Quality Control department and hired two people - one to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then management said "How are all these people going to get paid?" So, they created positions for a timekeeper and a payroll officer and hired two more people to fill them.
Then management said "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So, they created an administrative section and hired three people - an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then management said "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $318,000 over budget. We have to cut back on overall costs".
So, they laid off the night watchman.

[bananadong]

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have ELECTRICIAN written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...!"
"Fine" the wife sighs "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right".
To which John replied "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have TECHNICIAN written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...!"
"Fine" she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break".
"I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps!" he says "And does it look like I have BUNNINGS written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...! anyway... I've had enough of this. I'm going to the bar!"
So, John goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey" he asks "How did all this get fixed..?"
John's wife replied "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake".
John asked "So what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replied "Hellooooo... do you see BETTY CROCKER written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...!"