Jokes

[bananadong]

A young salesman and his boss board a train headed home from a day visiting clients in a neighbouring city. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young salesman are interested in each other because they keep exchanging glances.
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a *SLAP*.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him".
The boss is sitting there thinking "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young salesman sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap your boss all at the same time!"

[bananadong]

An old lady calls the police. She complains about her neighbours and demands the police come over immediately. Two officers show up and she says "My neighbours keep having outrageous parties. They are drinking and carrying on and they are all naked and having what seems to be an orgy. I can see them every time I look out of my bedroom window!" The cops follow her upstairs into her bedroom to see about this debauchery and to their surprise there is an enormous wardrobe blocking all but a sliver of the window in her tiny bedroom. Puzzled, they ask her how she is seeing all of this. "Well officer you have to get on the bed and then climb on top of the wardrobe, then you can see them quite clearly!"

[bananadong]

A little boy and his grandmother were walking along the seashore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere and swept the child out to sea. The grandmother, horrified, falls to her knees and says "God, please return my beloved grandson. Please, I beg of you. Send him back safely." Suddenly another huge wave washed in and deposited the little boy on the sand at her feet. She picked him up, looked him over, and, looking up at the sky, said "He had a hat!"

[bananadong]

An overweight time traveller visits ancient Rome and quickly realises he's wearing historically incorrect clothes for the period. He visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realises they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk "Do you have XL togas?" Clerk: "Well, yes. But why do you need so many?"

[bananadong]

A little girl goes to the barber with her father. When his turn comes, she stands next to the chair eating a cake and the barber says to her "You're going to get hair on your muffin". "I know" she says, "I'm going to get tits as well!"

[bananadong]

It's been a really strange day. First, I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!

[bananadong]

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only one's present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him". So, the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."

[bananadong]

A guy went to a museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit. He walks around the galleries and is quite impressed by the reconstruction of these ancient animals - a T-rex, a triceratops and more. He sees a guy who works for the museum standing near one of them and says to him. "They're quite a sight. How old are they anyhow?" The guy who works for the museum, says "This one, the T Rex, is 66 million years old and six months". "Wow" the guy responds. "It is amazing that they can be that specific. How do you know?" "Well" the worker says. "He was 66 million years old six months ago and that's when I started working here".

[bananadong]

A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room. "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window of your hotel" Manager: "Sir, that's a personal matter". Husband: "The fucking window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"

[bananadong]

I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist. I rushed outside yelling "Let me through, let me through". A man at the front said "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor"? I said "No, that's my fucking pizza"

[bananadong]

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said "Someone might steal from it at night". So, they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then management said "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So, they created a planning department and hired two people - one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.
Then management said "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So, they created a Quality Control department and hired two people - one to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then management said "How are all these people going to get paid?" So, they created positions for a timekeeper and a payroll officer and hired two more people to fill them.
Then management said "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So, they created an administrative section and hired three people - an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then management said "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $318,000 over budget. We have to cut back on overall costs".
So, they laid off the night watchman.

[bananadong]

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have ELECTRICIAN written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...!"
"Fine" the wife sighs "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right".
To which John replied "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have TECHNICIAN written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...!"
"Fine" she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break".
"I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps!" he says "And does it look like I have BUNNINGS written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...! anyway... I've had enough of this. I'm going to the bar!"
So, John goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey" he asks "How did all this get fixed..?"
John's wife replied "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake".
John asked "So what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replied "Hellooooo... do you see BETTY CROCKER written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...!"

[bananadong]

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts" she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked "Do you shave?"
"No" said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?" "Oh yes" said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked "Did you see?" "Yes" he said. "But why the hell did you have to show her yours?" "Why?" she said. "You've seen it all before".
"I know" he said "but the darts team hadn't!!"

[bananadong]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so... they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor. It was a so-so job, and I guess I just wasn't suited for it.
Next, I tried working in a muffler factory but that... was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but... I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef. Figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just... didn't have the time.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I... couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found... I wasn't very noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I... didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I... just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I... couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I... tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was... just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I... wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in as a personal trainer, but they said I... wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I... was discharged.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realised there was... no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it... was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I'M A PERFECT FIT FOR THIS JOB!

[bananadong]

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars" he answered "because I want to donate it to M.I.T".
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family" he explained "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research".
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear "Three million dollars".
"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars".

[bananadong]

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of it the Admiral asked him "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side".
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear".
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said "Yes. You wear contact lenses". The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Gunny replied "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear".

[bananadong]

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished".
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could!"
The trainer exclaimed "That's what finished him off?" "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.

[bananadong]

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a most comely young woman for the job. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat, and also kept the gentleman of the household most satisfied indeed!
One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed wife. She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said "Well, I'm pregnant".
The wife said "Look, we don't want to lose you. I am not able to have children and my husband and I would dearly love children, so we'll adopt your baby if you will stay".
She talked to her husband and of course he readily agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit.
The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby.
She worked for another two months, but then said "I am definitely leaving this time".
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.
"No" she said "there are just too many bloody kids here to pick up after!"

[bananadong]

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer". The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

[bananadong]

My wife came home from her annual breast examination with a big smile on her face. I asked "Why are you so happy?" The wife replied: "The lovely new young doctor told me that I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old". I laughed: "What did he say about your old, fat arse?" "Your name never came up!" she said

[bananadong]

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"" Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear". A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?" "Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear". A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?" Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?" "Because I'm freezing my fucking arse off out here!"

[bananadong]

People that drive alone in their cars with a facemask on are examples of why there are instructions on shampoo bottles.

[bananadong]

The Prime Minister, with his press entourage, was visiting an outback Aboriginal town. He asked the local elders what he could do for them. "Mista Prime Minsta, we have two big needs" replied the lead elder. "Firstly... they built us a nice new hospital, but there's no doctor". On hearing this, the PM's main man whipped out his phone. After speaking animatedly for a while, he turned his phone off, dropped it into his pocket and nodded to the PM. "Sorted! Now, what's your second problem?" "No mobile phone coverage..."

[bananadong]

My young son came up to me and asked what a vagina was, so I explained it to him. He asked "Does Mummy have one"? I replied "Yes son, all women have one" "What's mummy's vagina like"? he asked. "You tell me, son. You were the last bloke anywhere near

[bananadong]

A little kid was watching Donald Trump talk about England. "Mummy, why is it called a kingdom?" "Because, honey, it's ruled by a *king*!" "Then why is the U.S. called a country?"

[bananadong]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So, he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want".
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man "she's just a wheeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed!"
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.
So, the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well" the man replied "she's just a wheeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed!"
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming "She's perfect! Just perfect. She's the one I want to marry!"
So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well" explained the farmer "She was just a wheeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her!

[bananadong]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".
The woman below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude".
"You must be an engineer" said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the woman "How did you know?"
"Well" answered the balloonist "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip".
The woman below responded "You must be a politician"
"I am" replied the balloonist "but how did you know?"
"Well" said the woman "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".

[bananadong]

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello" he blurted out "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer" she responded". I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.".
"Really" he smiled "what myths are those?"
"Well" she explained "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait".
"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish".
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry" she said "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto" the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy".

[bananadong]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
To which he responded "I found the remote".

[bananadong]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les' wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les' wife followed and asked "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500".
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirmed that he was interested. Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2pm Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les' house at 2pm sharp, and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6:00 pm and upon arriving, asked his wife "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon". Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked "And did he give you $500?" Sue, using her best poker face, replied "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying "He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back".