Jokes

[bananadong]

My young son came up to me and asked what a vagina was, so I explained it to him. He asked "Does Mummy have one"? I replied "Yes son, all women have one" "What's mummy's vagina like"? he asked. "You tell me, son. You were the last bloke anywhere near

[bananadong]

A little kid was watching Donald Trump talk about England. "Mummy, why is it called a kingdom?" "Because, honey, it's ruled by a *king*!" "Then why is the U.S. called a country?"

[bananadong]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So, he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want".
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man "she's just a wheeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed!"
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.
So, the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well" the man replied "she's just a wheeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed!"
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming "She's perfect! Just perfect. She's the one I want to marry!"
So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well" explained the farmer "She was just a wheeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her!

[bananadong]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".
The woman below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude".
"You must be an engineer" said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the woman "How did you know?"
"Well" answered the balloonist "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip".
The woman below responded "You must be a politician"
"I am" replied the balloonist "but how did you know?"
"Well" said the woman "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".

[bananadong]

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello" he blurted out "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer" she responded". I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.".
"Really" he smiled "what myths are those?"
"Well" she explained "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait".
"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish".
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry" she said "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto" the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy".

[bananadong]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
To which he responded "I found the remote".

[bananadong]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les' wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les' wife followed and asked "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500".
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirmed that he was interested. Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2pm Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les' house at 2pm sharp, and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6:00 pm and upon arriving, asked his wife "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon". Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked "And did he give you $500?" Sue, using her best poker face, replied "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying "He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back".

[bananadong]

A guy was playing golf one day and got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me? I don't know what hole I'm on".
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again. Can you please tell me what hole I'm on?". She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13".
Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.
As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales".
He replied "No kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said "You promised you wouldn't laugh!"
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you".

[bananadong]

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city when they heard moans coming from an alley. They went to investigate and found a semi-conscious man writhing around in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and beaten!" he pleaded. The social workers immediately turned and walked off. One said to the other "You know, the person who mugged that man could really use our help".

[bananadong]

The teacher was giving a lesson on polysyllabic words and asked the class for examples. Jane stood up and said "Monday". "Mon-day. Very good, Jane, that has two syllables" said the teacher.
The teacher pointed to Mike, who stood up and said "Saturday'. "Sat-ur-day - three syllables. Excellent, Mike" said the teacher. Johnny burst out of his seat and said "Miss, I have a word that will beat all the others. Mas-tur-ba-tion!" Shocked, the teacher said "Wow, Johnny, four syllables. That's certainly a mouthful". "No, Miss" said Johnny "you're thinking of blowjob, and that only has two syllables".

[bananadong]

Paddy and Murphy, come across a girl whose bike has a flat tyre. Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way. A few minutes later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike. "What the fuck happened?" asks Murphy. "Well, I fixed her bike and bejaysus she takes her knickers off, lies on the ground and says, take what you want big boy! So I took the bike.'' "Good on ya" says Murphy, ''I'm sure the fookin' knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway!"

[bananadong]

A woman buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge suite opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs and slowly recrosses them. Finally, husband asks: "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?" "Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite!"

[bananadong]

A lawyer is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over. The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it's going to cost him to get it fixed. The cop loses his patience and says "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!" The lawyer is incensed and says "How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I'm under!" The cop says "Well, you're so concerned about your beamer, you didn't notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow". The lawyer looks down and screams "Fuck! My Rolex!"

[bananadong]

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting out front said "I've not eaten for two days". I told him "I wish I had your will power".

[bananadong]

The barkeep asks the guy sitting at the bar "What can I get for you?" The guy answers "A scotch, please".
The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars" to which the guy replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration".
The barkeep was not impressed, but says to the guy "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double".
To which the guy replies "Thank you. Make it a scotch".

[bananadong]

A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot.
The clerk responds "Ahh excellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000".
Startled the man remarks that this seems like a high price for a bird.
"Well you see this is a special parrot, it can answer the phone and make appointments for you".
The man is very impressed by this but decides to look at the other two as well.
"This one here goes for $20,000 since it is excellent at sales and will actually make money for you".
Astounded at the skills of these birds the man can hardly wait to find out about the final parrot.
"Lastly this parrot is priced at $50,000".
The man is floored by this outlandish price and asks what it does that could possibly make it worth so much money?
"I don't know but the other two call it Boss".

[bananadong]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning" said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners".
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration".
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto her hallway carpet!
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder".
The old lady stepped back and said "Well let me get you a fork 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning".

[bananadong]

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night?
"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed" she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house".
"Don't worry" John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light". The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do" said Keith.
"Did you, umm, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, ummmm, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did".
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Keith's face turned beet red and he said "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did". "Why do you ask?"
She just died and left me everything".

[bananadong]

A man was in a long line at his local store. As he got to the register, he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom "One box of large condoms, checkout 5".
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said "One box of medium-sized condoms, checkout 5".
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers and he did she reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said "Mop and bucket, checkout 5".

[bananadong]

Last week, my nextdoor neighbour asked me: "Seen as our houses are the same design... can I ask how many rolls of wall paper you bought to decorate the living room?" "Thirteen" I said. Today, he came round looking angry: "I've got three rolls left over!!!" "So did I!" I said.

[bananadong]

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

[bananadong]

I came home last night to find a note on the fridge from herself. It read "This just isn't working, I'm leaving". I opened the fridge, light came on, the milk was cold all seemed fine to me. Dunno what she's on about!