Jokes

[bananadong]

A French couple are watching television one night, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees. So, the father goes to his son's room and says "Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?" "Oh yes papa, I remember very well" says the son. "Well son, your mother thinks it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing".

[bananadong]

Two good ol' boys in a southern trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work. After a while one guy says to the other "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The other guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says "Well, I don't know about kin. But it would make us even".

[bananadong]

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my pocket money immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and stereo and iPhone and iPod and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Convertors. Then sell my new car, take my front door key off me and kick me out the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother". Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said... Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed!"

[bananadong]

A social worker from a big city recently transferred to the sticks and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked. "Yep" came a kid's voice through the door. "Is your father there?" asked the social worker. "Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in" said the kid. "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker. "Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here" said the kid. "But" protested the social worker "are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here" said the kid through the door. "This is the shithouse!"

[bananadong]

I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale. I said "No way, centipedes don't talk". The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me. A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said "Alright mate, I'm just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?" The centipede said nothing, I scoffed and went to the pub. The next evening, I thought I'd give it another try so I went to its tank again and said "Slright mate, I'm just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?" Still absolutely no response from the centipede, so I went on my way, cursing the pet shop owner. The following evening, I thought I would give it one more try, so I went over to its tank and asked "Alright mate, I'm just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?" The centipede replied "I heard you the first time I'm just putting my fucking shoes on!"

[bananadong]

He is well dressed, his suit is tailored, his shoes are top quality; he is obviously a very important lawyer. He goes back home and his wife is desperate, the sink has been leaking all day.
The lawyer tries to fix it, half an hour passes but he is not able to find a solution, desperate he finally decides to call the maintenance guy. The maintenance guy arrives shortly after, in three moves he fixes the sink.
He says "It's going to be $400"
The lawyer's face turns red, he is furious. $400 for less than 5 minutes of work!! Of course, being the important man he is, he has to pay; still in his $3000 suit he hands over the money to the maintenance man.
The lawyer cannot stop himself and out of curiosity and anger asks "It's absurd! Not even I, one of the top lawyers of the town can make $400 for less than 5 minutes of work!" To which the maintenance man replies "Honestly, neither did I when I was a lawyer".

[bananadong]

Ed came home drunk, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said "You died in your sleep, Ed".
Ed was stunned.
"I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken".
Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past.
"So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad" replied Ed the hen "but I have this strange feeling Inside. Like I'm going to explode!" "You're ovulating" explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never" said Ed. "Well, just relax and let it happen" says the rooster. "It's no big deal".
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard... "Ed, wake up! You're shitting the damn bed!"

[bananadong]

Three drunk vampires make a bet to see who is the best at taking blood from their victims.
The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes, he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.
"See that little kid over there? That's where".
The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with even more blood than the first one. They ask him where he got it from.
"See that man over there? That's the guy I got it from".
The third one also transforms himself into a bat. It doesn't take him too long to come back. His entire body is covered in blood. The other two are amazed and ask him where he got it from.
"See that wall over there?"
They nod.
"Well, I didn't".

[bananadong]

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable".
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it" says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says "OK. Go ahead". Grandpa says "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye".
The auditor thinks a moment and says "It's a bet". Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye".
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has wagered and lost three grands, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between".
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you OK?" the auditor asks. "Not really" says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it".

[bananadong]

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets two little shiny glass balls from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put one inside each of his cheeks to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed one of those little balls. The barber replied "just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

[bananadong]

A mugger arrested was today after mugging several people. Police say he been charged with violating social distancing rules.

[bananadong]

IF DONALD TRUMP HAD CAPTAINED THE TITANIC...
There is no iceberg.
It's a little iceberg.
We won't hit an iceberg.
I knew it was an iceberg before anyone else knew.
No one knows icebergs better than I do.
The penguins brought the iceberg here.
No one could have predicted the iceberg.
We cannot allow an iceberg to stop our ship.
The crew is spreading fake news about icebergs.
Some of you have to drown.
Maybe we can try disinfecting the iceberg.
I am the best captain, ask anyone.

[bananadong]

Self-isolation is getting so bad I'm starting to get a crush on my roommate... and we've been married for more than 40 years.

[bananadong]

"So I heard your brother got coronavirus?" "Yeah but it's not serious" "I see, did you call your doctor or the hospital?" "Nah man, he's my brother, we have the same blood, I'll take care of him" "Nice, but just out of curiosity, what does he eat for breakfast?" "Nothing special, a thin slice of ham and a cracker" "Ah, and for lunch?" "A thin slice of ham and a cracker" "Dinner?" -"A thin slice of ham and a cracker" "Wait, do people with coronavirus have to eat only a thin slice of ham and a cracker?" "No, that's the only food in our house that can fit under his bedroom door".

[bananadong]

The doctor finished performing a battery of costly tests and got the results. "I'm afraid I have some bad news, Mr. Cassidy" he said "you have approximately six months to live". "But I don't have insurance, doctor" said Cassidy "and I can't skimp and save enough to pay for those tests in that time!" "All right, all right" said the doctor. "Let's say nine months, then".

[bananadong]

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married. Replied the gentleman "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman. I've always been looking for the perfect girl". "Oh, come on now" said the friend "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry and fit the bill?" "Yes, there was one girl once. She was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me". "Well, why didn't you marry her" asked the friend. "She was looking for the perfect man" he said.

[bananadong]

Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy? Spoiler: something inside me says yes.

[bananadong]

A plane crashes on am distant island and there are only three lucky survivors: The co-pilot, a stewardess and a passenger. Unfortunately, this island is far away from any ship route, meaning that they are stranded there, possibly forever.
So, they started to build shelter, learn how to fish and hunt and how to spot and collect various edible fruits and vegetables. They even managed to keep track of the days on a huge calendar they carved into a huge boulder.
Week after week they work on their new home and soon the former shelter became a nice house. They distributed the work evenly and according to their individual skills and soon their survival was simple. They started to see this Island as their new home and the three survivors formed a strong bond over the months they were stuck on the island.
But something was missing. Not the internet, not alcohol or other modern commodities. Something more basic.
So, one day the stewardess went to the two men and told them "Listen, guys. We're all stuck here together and I know that you guys are missing the same thing as I do. So, what about an arrangement: one of you gets to sleep with me on the days with an even number and the other one on days with an uneven number. And on holidays we do a three-way. "Both men immediately agreed and so they experienced some wonderful and happy months.
But one day the stewardess got stung by a venomous animal and soon died. Both men were extremely sad and grieved not only over the loss of their sexual partner but because they loved her for being a cheerful, enthusiastic companion.
One evening the former co-pilot went to his friend and said: "I know this loss is terrible, and we surely will need some time to process this, but I think, we should keep the schedule up: you go on days with an even number, and I take the uneven days on the calendar. This will help us to keep our spirits up!" "If you think so..." replied his friend.
And so, they kept on for some months until one day the passenger said to his companion: "Listen... I can't do this anymore. What we are doing is disgusting, unethical and against the nature. We should stop this!"
"Yeah... I guess you're right" said the co-pilot. Let's bury her".

[bananadong]

Two Russian comrades are having vodka after training a new set of soldiers. The first Russian asks the second "How goes training your new soldier, comrade?"
"Well, I tasked him to eliminate 50 oppressors of liberty with his rifle yesterday. He returned; bayonet bloody, but only managed 40".
The first Russian asks "So did you punish his failure?"
The second Russian says "No, I gave him another opportunity, as he seemed committed to the Motherland. But again, he returned; bayonet bloody, having killed only 47 oppressors of liberty".
"So" the first Russian asks "You made him repent for his repeated failure?"
"Is it not the failure of the teacher if the student is inadequate? I gave penance, submitted myself to command for my failure and spent five days in isolation to contemplate how best to serve Mother Russia. I decided to perform the task before him to teach him again and give him a final chance. "
"We went out together to face the horde of oppressors again and I told him that by the end of the battle both of us must surely have performed the deed".
"And how did it go, comrade?"
The horde was vast and we stood before them alone, bayoneted rifles in our hands. Then I fired my rifle and the trainee yelled out: "Blyatt! What is that noise?!"

[bananadong]

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed" the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes" the man at National Weather Service again replied "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter". The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely" the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever".
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy".

[bananadong]

Two elderly men met in a town in Florida, and began to talk to each other. It turned out both of them were from Oregon, and had owned small factories, and had now retired and moved to Florida.
"I had a factory that produced high-end furniture" said the first man. "Was successful for many years, made lots of money. But now the market is changing, cheap imported furniture is taking over. My company ran at a loss for a couple of years, and I didn't know what to do. And then one night there was a fire, and the whole damn factory burned down. I could have built a new factory with the insurance money, but you know, I figured I was old enough that it was time to retire. So, I just took the insurance money, and here I am".
"Wow" said the second man. "That's so similar to my story. I had a factory that built speedboats. Lots of success for many years, made lots of money. But speedboat technology keeps changing faster and faster, and I wasn't keeping up, and I started to lose money. Then one day there was an earthquake, and the factory building collapsed! Luckily, I was insured, just like you, and I decided to retire, 'take the money and run' and now here I am".
The first man gazed wide-eyed at the second man for several seconds, Then, in a low voice, he asked "How do you arrange an earthquake?"

[bananadong]

A husband comes home from the night shift to find his wife snuggled up in bed with the sheets pulled up right over her whole head, obviously not wanting to be disturbed.
Not to be denied, he slips in under the sheet anyway and begins making love to her.
He gets out of bed again to go downstairs and get something to eat. He is absolutely startled by his wife standing in the kitchen making breakfast and coffee!
"How did you get down here so fast?" he asks "We were just upstairs making love!"
"WHAT?!" his wife screams. "Oh my GOD!" the wife gasps. "That's my mum up there you sick bastard! She came over complaining of a headache and I told her to go lie down for a while".
The wife rushes upstairs and says to her mom: "Mum!!! Why didn't you say anything?" To which the replies: "Hah! I haven't spoken to that arsehole in 15 years, I wasn't about to start now!"

[bananadong]

A priest goes out practice golfing and has an altar boy caddy for him.
Right off the first tee the priest immediately hooks the ball into a sand trap. He mutters "God Dammit!!!" The shocked altar boy says "Father! Isn't that blasphemy?" The priest says "Awww I'm a priest, he'll forgive me".
On the second tee he hits a bad slice, the ball bounces off a tree and lands in the water. "God Dammit!!" he shouts. The altar boy says "Father! Your language!" The priest says "I'm a priest, he'll let it slide".
On the third hole he hits a beautiful long drive straight down the fairway. The ball bounces onto the green. The priest grabs his binoculars and watches it roll toward the hole. The priest is thinking "I'm gonna get a hole in one!" But the ball stops about a half inch short. The priest throws his club and screams "GOD DAMMIT!"
The altar boy goes to retrieve the club. As he runs by the priest, a bolt of lightning streaks down out of the sky and kills the altar boy. A thundering voice from the heavens booms out "GOD DAMMIT!"

[bananadong]

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter". Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister".
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbour's daughter". Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister".
This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying...
Son: "Mum, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

[bananadong]

Three blokes were talking at work when the first bloke said "I think my wife is having an affair with our electrician. I found wire cutters under our bed". The second bloke said "I think my missus is having it off with the plumber, because I found a plunger under our bed". "That's nothing" said the third bloke. "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse. I came home the other day and found a jockey under our bed!"

[bananadong]

If you're worried about coronavirus, rest assured the pharmaceutical industry is working round the clock to find the most profitable cure.

[bananadong]

Two guys in a truck come up to a bridge with a sign saying 'Max height 3m'. The one driving stops and asks the other how tall their load is. "It's about 4m" he says. "Damn, I don't want to have to turn around and find another way" says the driver. The other one gets out, looks around, gets back in, and says "It's okay, there's no cops, let's go".

[bananadong]

A little boy in Wuhan finds a bottle. He rubs it and a genie pops out. "I will give you two wishes as a reward for freeing me" says the genie. The boy thinks for a second and, as he's very patriotic, decided on his first wish. "I wish everyone in the world knew about Wuhan!" he declares. "Very well" says the genie. "And your second wish?" The boy thinks again and decides he would like something a little more selfish. "I wish that the Lunar New Year holiday would go on forever and I don't have to go back to school!"

[bananadong]

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver "I have a dead pussy". The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common".

[bananadong]

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry" the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog". "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him". But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died" the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog". "Well" the boy replied "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him". "Oh, what was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle".