Jokes

[bananadong]

Yesterday I purchased a world map. I gave my wife a dart and said to her "Throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday". Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

[bananadong]

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat.
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world" he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

[bananadong]

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks "What?" "Sex!!" he replies. Mildred exclaims "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was okay.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled "You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied "Parkinson's".

[bananadong]

The grandfather told his grandchild that, due to his wife passing, he had started cooking. The grandchild didn't expect his grandfather to ever begin cooking, so they headed towards the dining room to see what he made for dinner.
When they sat down, the grandchild noticed that the food looked delicious, and tasted delicious too.
But one think bothered him. He noticed that the plates were a little grimy and the silverware looked dirty. So, he asked his grandfather "Do you wash your dishes well?". The grandfather simply replied "They're as clean as cold water will get them".
The next week he made another trip to his grandfather's house.
Again, the grandfather cooks a beautiful dinner that tastes delicious. But, the grime on the plates and silverware still bothers the grandchild. He said "Grandfather, I don't think these dishes are clean. Are you sure you wash them well?" The grandfather replied "They're as clean as cold water will get them!"
The next week they meet again at the grandfather house. This time, upon noticing the dirty dishes, the grandchild says "Grandfather, I'm going to help you wash the dishes after dinner". The grandfather only says "Okay, but they're as clean as cold water will get them".
After dinner they carried the dishes into the kitchen. The grandfather began to set the dishes on the floor. The grandchild, confused, decided to see what he was up to.
After the dishes were arranged on the floor, the grandfather says "Come here, cold water" as his dog runs in.

[bananadong]

Two labourers were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole, and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working all day furiously without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick".

[bananadong]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper "Please wake me at 5:00 AM". He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up".

[bananadong]

A blonde girl is crossing some ice when she gets hungry, so starts hacking a hole in it in the hope of catching a fish. A deep, majestic voice booms out "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She thinks this is strange, but continues to hack away, and the same voice booms out again, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Now she starts to get concerned. "Is that you, God?" she asks, trembling. "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER. STOP HACKING AT MY ICE!"

[bananadong]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures. Over a double latte, the Greek mentions "You may recall that we built the Pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo". "Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices". "But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics". "Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces". Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!" "True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved".

[bananadong]

Two blondes went out deer hunting and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pickup truck. An experienced hunter saw them and said "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier". So, the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers. After about 20 minutes, one said to the other "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground". "Yeah, he was" said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting far away from our car!"

[bananadong]

This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight. At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realised she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.

[bananadong]

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbour, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig". The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig". Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig".
"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk away scot-free. However, you can no longer call Ms. Johnson a 'pig.' Understood?"
"Well... that doesn't seem fai- "
"-we can let this go to trial, you can spend thousands on lawyers, but if Ms. Johnson's attorneys can prove calling her a 'pig' leads to emotional damage, you'll end up owing a lot".
Dave paused. "OK, fine. Can I call a pig 'Ms. Johnson'?"
The judge looked over his notes. "Yes... you may call a pig 'Ms. Johnson' without fear of legal recourse".
Dave turned to Peggy and said "Good afternoon, Ms. Johnson".

[bananadong]

A 15-year-old boy comes home with a Porsche. His parents began to yell and scream. "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them "I bought it today".
"With what money?" Demanded his parents. "We know how much a Porsche costs!"
"Well" said the boy "this one cost me fifteen dollars".
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?" they demaded.
"It was the lady up the street" said the boy "don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars".
"Oh my goodness!" Gasped the mother "she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on".
So, the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.
"Well" she said "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did".

[bananadong]

Before their marriage, the groom told his wife that he will marry her on the condition that he will have one drawer in the home which only he may open. She may never open up the drawer. She was very interested to know what he might be hiding in the drawer, but she agreed.
Ten years past, and she hadn't yet opened the drawer. One day, when her husband was traveling overseas, she couldn't control her curiosity anymore. Even though she waited ten years, she had to know what was in the drawer. She opened it and found three eggs, with a wallet filled with thousands of dollars.
She telephoned her husband immediately and said "I'm sorry, I feel so terrible, but I couldn't control myself anymore. I opened the drawer. But please tell me what are the eggs for?'"
Her husband replied "Before we got married I vowed that every time I lied to you, I would place one egg into the drawer".
"Wow" she replied. "After all these years you only told me three lies! I'm impressed. So what's all that money about?"
Her husband replied "When the drawer gets full, I sell the eggs".

[bananadong]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy".
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears". "How much do you charge"? "Eighty dollars per visit" replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it" I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having"? he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480. A barman cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new car".
"Oh, is that so"? he said with a bit of an attitude. "And how, may I ask, did a barman cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Aint nobody under there now!"

[bananadong]

Four nuns die and arrive at the pearly gates. They line up in front of Saint Peter.
"Sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, you must be cleansed of sin in this holy water" he says, pointing at the chalice beside him.
He calls up the first Nun and says "Have you ever touched a man's penis?" "Yes" responds the Nun. "With the tip of my finger".
Saint Peter nods solemnly and has the nun dip her finger into the holy water. She then proceeds into heaven.
He calls up the second Nun and poses the same question. She responds "Yes, with my entire hand".
Saint peter has her plunge her entire hand into the holy water. She is purified, and enters heaven.
He is about to call up the third Nun, when the fourth in line runs forward and interrupts him.
"Let me go next. I'm not gargling that shit after she dips her arse in it!".

[bananadong]

Charles, Angus and Patrick are in a helicopter when the pilot informs them they are losing altitude. Desperately, they throw out whatever they have on them. Charles throws out his teapot, Angus throws out his bagpipes and Patrick throws out a bomb. The helicopter recovers and they land safely.
When Charles gets home, he finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, he replies "A teapot fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her".
When Angus gets home, he too finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, he replies "A set of bagpipes fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her".
When Patrick gets home, he finds his father in the garden laughing uncontrollably. When he asks him what happened, he replies "As I bent over to tie my shoes, I farted and next doors' house blew up!"

[bananadong]

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left. Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what that filthy ape just did?" "No, what?" asked the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them." "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He'll eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first.

[bananadong]

The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning". "Thank you very much, sir".

[bananadong]

I went to a flash nightclub last Friday and there was a famous female pop star sitting in a private area. I don't know how it happened, but she called me over and we really hit it off. Everything was going fine until we went back to my place. I turned on the light and she gave a disgusted laugh and said "That's really pathetic! How do you think you'll satisfy me with such a tiny thing like that?" "Gee" I said "I'm sorry Adele, but it was the biggest fridge I could afford".

[bananadong]

Two men staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely drunk mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "We'll have two beers" one of them slurred to the bartender. "What about him?" asked the barkeep, pointing to the unconscious chap. "No more for him - he's driving" his pal replied.

[bananadong]

Australia has issued a travel warning due to snowfall and bad road conditions. They suggested that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should ensure they have the following equipment: shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including hat and gloves, 24-hour food pack, de-icer, rock salt, flashlight with spare batteries, road flares or reflective triangles, a full petrol can, first aid kit and booster cables. Well... I sure looked like a fucking idiot getting on the bus this morning.

[bananadong]

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said "No, wait! I can change".

[bananadong]

A dude walks into a Chinese store to find sunglasses. The owner offers him new X-ray glasses to try. He puts them on and the owner is naked. Takes them off and the owner is back with his clothes on. Excited, he runs out to test more. Puts them on, and all people are naked, takes them off and clothes are back on. He throws money at the seller and runs home to show them to his wife. He barges in and sees his wife naked with the neighbour. Takes the glasses off and they are still naked. Puts them back on, still naked. Takes them off, and still naked. He gets angry, throws the glasses on the floor and stomps on them yelling stupid cheap Chinese crap, it's already broken.

[bananadong]

When I was a boy my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead, I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my arse but the next morning in the driveway sat a brand new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me 'cause it was the truck from the electric company there to turn off the lights.

[bananadong]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing" the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground". I yelled "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago".

[bananadong]

I was travelling through town on a bus when it broke down. The driver got out and fiddled with the engine for 10 minutes before the conductress went up to him and asked "Do you wanna screwdriver?" "I'd love to" he said "but we're already running 10 minutes late as it is".

[bananadong]

Paddy goes into a Doctor's surgery, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the receptionist. "Could you taste this, please? The receptionist takes the teaspoon. puts it in her mouth, swirls the liquid round and swallows it. "Does it taste sweet?" asks Paddy. "No not at all". says the receptionist. "Good" says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come back here and get my urine tested for sugar!"

[bananadong]

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked "How many of you love your husband?"


All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.


The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, sweetheart".


Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.


Below are replies. If you have been married for a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?


"Who the hell is this?"
"Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?"
"Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?"
"What now? Did you wreck the car again?"
"I don't understand what you mean?"
"What the hell did you do now?"
"Are you having an affair?"
"Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?"
"Am I dreaming?"
"If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die".
"I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day".
"Your mother is coming to stay with us...isn't she?"

[bananadong]

My neighbour Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some 'Nair' hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days".
Andrea said "I'm not using it under my arms".
The pharmacist said "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days". Andrea replied "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer".
The pharmacist said "Well, stay off your bike for at least a week".

[bananadong]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine-looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says "Grandpa, you're drunk... go home!"