Jokes

[bananadong]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy".
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears". "How much do you charge"? "Eighty dollars per visit" replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it" I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having"? he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480. A barman cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new car".
"Oh, is that so"? he said with a bit of an attitude. "And how, may I ask, did a barman cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Aint nobody under there now!"

[bananadong]

Four nuns die and arrive at the pearly gates. They line up in front of Saint Peter.
"Sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, you must be cleansed of sin in this holy water" he says, pointing at the chalice beside him.
He calls up the first Nun and says "Have you ever touched a man's penis?" "Yes" responds the Nun. "With the tip of my finger".
Saint Peter nods solemnly and has the nun dip her finger into the holy water. She then proceeds into heaven.
He calls up the second Nun and poses the same question. She responds "Yes, with my entire hand".
Saint peter has her plunge her entire hand into the holy water. She is purified, and enters heaven.
He is about to call up the third Nun, when the fourth in line runs forward and interrupts him.
"Let me go next. I'm not gargling that shit after she dips her arse in it!".

[bananadong]

Charles, Angus and Patrick are in a helicopter when the pilot informs them they are losing altitude. Desperately, they throw out whatever they have on them. Charles throws out his teapot, Angus throws out his bagpipes and Patrick throws out a bomb. The helicopter recovers and they land safely.
When Charles gets home, he finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, he replies "A teapot fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her".
When Angus gets home, he too finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, he replies "A set of bagpipes fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her".
When Patrick gets home, he finds his father in the garden laughing uncontrollably. When he asks him what happened, he replies "As I bent over to tie my shoes, I farted and next doors' house blew up!"

[bananadong]

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left. Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what that filthy ape just did?" "No, what?" asked the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them." "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He'll eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first.

[bananadong]

The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning". "Thank you very much, sir".

[bananadong]

I went to a flash nightclub last Friday and there was a famous female pop star sitting in a private area. I don't know how it happened, but she called me over and we really hit it off. Everything was going fine until we went back to my place. I turned on the light and she gave a disgusted laugh and said "That's really pathetic! How do you think you'll satisfy me with such a tiny thing like that?" "Gee" I said "I'm sorry Adele, but it was the biggest fridge I could afford".

[bananadong]

Two men staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely drunk mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "We'll have two beers" one of them slurred to the bartender. "What about him?" asked the barkeep, pointing to the unconscious chap. "No more for him - he's driving" his pal replied.

[bananadong]

Australia has issued a travel warning due to snowfall and bad road conditions. They suggested that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should ensure they have the following equipment: shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including hat and gloves, 24-hour food pack, de-icer, rock salt, flashlight with spare batteries, road flares or reflective triangles, a full petrol can, first aid kit and booster cables. Well... I sure looked like a fucking idiot getting on the bus this morning.

[bananadong]

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said "No, wait! I can change".

[bananadong]

A dude walks into a Chinese store to find sunglasses. The owner offers him new X-ray glasses to try. He puts them on and the owner is naked. Takes them off and the owner is back with his clothes on. Excited, he runs out to test more. Puts them on, and all people are naked, takes them off and clothes are back on. He throws money at the seller and runs home to show them to his wife. He barges in and sees his wife naked with the neighbour. Takes the glasses off and they are still naked. Puts them back on, still naked. Takes them off, and still naked. He gets angry, throws the glasses on the floor and stomps on them yelling stupid cheap Chinese crap, it's already broken.

[bananadong]

When I was a boy my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead, I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my arse but the next morning in the driveway sat a brand new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me 'cause it was the truck from the electric company there to turn off the lights.

[bananadong]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing" the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground". I yelled "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago".

[bananadong]

I was travelling through town on a bus when it broke down. The driver got out and fiddled with the engine for 10 minutes before the conductress went up to him and asked "Do you wanna screwdriver?" "I'd love to" he said "but we're already running 10 minutes late as it is".

[bananadong]

Paddy goes into a Doctor's surgery, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the receptionist. "Could you taste this, please? The receptionist takes the teaspoon. puts it in her mouth, swirls the liquid round and swallows it. "Does it taste sweet?" asks Paddy. "No not at all". says the receptionist. "Good" says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come back here and get my urine tested for sugar!"

[bananadong]

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked "How many of you love your husband?"


All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.


The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, sweetheart".


Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.


Below are replies. If you have been married for a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?


"Who the hell is this?"
"Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?"
"Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?"
"What now? Did you wreck the car again?"
"I don't understand what you mean?"
"What the hell did you do now?"
"Are you having an affair?"
"Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?"
"Am I dreaming?"
"If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die".
"I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day".
"Your mother is coming to stay with us...isn't she?"

[bananadong]

My neighbour Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some 'Nair' hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days".
Andrea said "I'm not using it under my arms".
The pharmacist said "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days". Andrea replied "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer".
The pharmacist said "Well, stay off your bike for at least a week".

[bananadong]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine-looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says "Grandpa, you're drunk... go home!"

[bananadong]

God has two last gifts to hand out to Adam and Eve.
"The first gift I have is the ability to pee while standing up" God says "Please Lord, let me have this gift. It will be so much easier for me to take care of the animals, and tend the fields, without having to sit down to pee. My darling Eve, please let me have this amazing gift" Adam begged.
Eve responds "Adam, my love, if you wish to have this gift then please, take it. You do so much for me, the animals, and the fields, it is only fitting you have this ability". "My darling! Thank you so much!" Adam exclaimed.
"Okay Adam, here you go" says God.
Adam of course runs over and tries it out right away. While using it, he looks over his right should with a heart-warming smile for his darling wife and says "Thank you amazing wife of mine". "You are most welcome my loving husband". Eve answers.
God smiles at their interaction, and then looks at Eve and says "I guess that means my last gift is for you. Multiple orgasms".

[bananadong]

A man goes to the doctor after feeling quite ill. After running a few tests the doctor returns. "Well, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" "I guess gimme the bad news first doc, so I can end up on a good note" the man says. "Okay" says the doc. "The bad news is that you are going to die". "OMG! This is terrible! What will I tell my wife, my young children? I am so young" he cries. After a few minutes he stops sobbing remembering there is still some good news to hear. "Doc" he says, so please tell me "what is the GOOD news?" "Well" says the doc "They're going to name a disease after you!"

[bananadong]

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he's calling an important client. "Offer them no more than $3 million!" he shouts down the phone. "And tell them that if it isn't finished by next week, they won't get a penny!" After "hanging up" the man says to the visitor "Hello? Can I help you?" And the visitor replies "Yes, I'm from the phone company. I've come to connect your phone line".

[bananadong]

I accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together. At first, I panicked. Then I realised that it was always going to be okay.

[bananadong]

Lazza The Greek was lamenting his life to his friends one day "I have amassed great wealth and done many things of greatest for my community" he said. "See that school and university downtown - I build those places! But do people call me Lazza the Builder? No! Look at those magnificent shipyards, I was the engineer who designed them but do people call me Lazza The Engineer? No! Look at all my restaurants and community kitchens that provide wonderful food and work for my countrymen but do people call me Lazza The Restaurateur? No! But I get caught fucking one lousy goat..."

[bananadong]

A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

[bananadong]

I asked my wife why did she marry me. "Because you're funny'' she responded. I said "I thought it was because I was so good in bed'' She replied "You see? You are hilarious"

[bananadong]

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So, he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realises its 3am and says "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me". He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off.
"Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So, I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her".
She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says "You lying bastard! You've been fishing again!!"

[bananadong]

Carl calls in sick to work.
His boss says "I know you're not sick, now get your arse to work!" Carl replies "No, I'm very sick, I'm not coming in".
The boss is pissed off, so at lunch time he decides to go to Carl's house and bust him.
When he arrives, he peers through the window to see if Carl is in fact there.
To his surprise, he sees Carl on the bed hammering a girl doggy style. The boss runs to the front door and practically bangs the door down with anger knocking on it.
When Carl answers the door, his boss is livid "I knew you weren't sick, you're fired!"
Carl replies "I am sick. That's my sister!"

[bananadong]

A military commander calls his soldiers and says "The first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"
One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander. "Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options: "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".
So, the soldier goes in the back of the garden, and after a few hours comes back.
"So... what did you do to the mole?" asked the commander. "Oh oh! Commander!" The soldier laughed "I did the most horrible thing ever! Try to take a guess!"
"Did you... cut it in pieces while it was still conscious?" "Even worse!"
"Hmm... did you throw him to the rabid dogs?" "Even worse!"
"Oh my god! What the hell did you do to that mole?!" "I buried it alive!"

[bananadong]

The US and Russia have gone to war. Several rowdy American soldiers have taken a Russian soldier as a POW. After several days of failing to extract any useful intelligence, the soldier is told that if he can perform three tasks, he will be set free but if he fails then he will face firing squad.
FIRST TASK: drink an entire gallon of Russia's finest vodka in under an hour and remain conscious.
SECOND TASK: barehanded pull an abscessed tooth of a Siberian tiger.
THIRD AND FINAL TASK: sexually satisfy an angry 90-year-old Russian woman.
He accepts and sits down at a small table and begins drinking. At the end of an hour he's staggering around, playing air guitar and bumming cigarettes off of the US soldiers but he is conscious and the gallon is cashed.
Amazed that he is still functioning at all the soldiers guide him over to curtain #2. They open the tiger cage door and shove him in. Within seconds there's screaming and screeching and fur flying out from behind the curtain and then... everything goes quiet.
Then to their utter astonishment the cage door swings open and he staggers out and says triumphantly "Now, comrades, where's that old bitch with the bad tooth?"

[bananadong]

A plumber came knocking at Mark's door. "I've come to fix your blocked toilet" the plumber said. "We haven't got a blocked toilet" Mark replied. "Are you Mr Collis?" the plumber queried. "No" Mark answered. "He moved away six months ago". "There are some real bastards in the world" the plumber swore. "They ring for a plumber saying it's an emergency, then they piss off to another address".

[bananadong]

I went to a party last night. I thought I looked pretty cool. Some Jewish guy approached me and said "The '70s called... they want their shirt back!" I said "Yeah? The '40s called... your shower's ready".