Jokes

[bananadong]

I asked my wife why did she marry me. "Because you're funny'' she responded. I said "I thought it was because I was so good in bed'' She replied "You see? You are hilarious"

[bananadong]

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So, he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realises its 3am and says "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me". He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off.
"Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So, I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her".
She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says "You lying bastard! You've been fishing again!!"

[bananadong]

Carl calls in sick to work.
His boss says "I know you're not sick, now get your arse to work!" Carl replies "No, I'm very sick, I'm not coming in".
The boss is pissed off, so at lunch time he decides to go to Carl's house and bust him.
When he arrives, he peers through the window to see if Carl is in fact there.
To his surprise, he sees Carl on the bed hammering a girl doggy style. The boss runs to the front door and practically bangs the door down with anger knocking on it.
When Carl answers the door, his boss is livid "I knew you weren't sick, you're fired!"
Carl replies "I am sick. That's my sister!"

[bananadong]

A military commander calls his soldiers and says "The first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"
One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander. "Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options: "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".
So, the soldier goes in the back of the garden, and after a few hours comes back.
"So... what did you do to the mole?" asked the commander. "Oh oh! Commander!" The soldier laughed "I did the most horrible thing ever! Try to take a guess!"
"Did you... cut it in pieces while it was still conscious?" "Even worse!"
"Hmm... did you throw him to the rabid dogs?" "Even worse!"
"Oh my god! What the hell did you do to that mole?!" "I buried it alive!"

[bananadong]

The US and Russia have gone to war. Several rowdy American soldiers have taken a Russian soldier as a POW. After several days of failing to extract any useful intelligence, the soldier is told that if he can perform three tasks, he will be set free but if he fails then he will face firing squad.
FIRST TASK: drink an entire gallon of Russia's finest vodka in under an hour and remain conscious.
SECOND TASK: barehanded pull an abscessed tooth of a Siberian tiger.
THIRD AND FINAL TASK: sexually satisfy an angry 90-year-old Russian woman.
He accepts and sits down at a small table and begins drinking. At the end of an hour he's staggering around, playing air guitar and bumming cigarettes off of the US soldiers but he is conscious and the gallon is cashed.
Amazed that he is still functioning at all the soldiers guide him over to curtain #2. They open the tiger cage door and shove him in. Within seconds there's screaming and screeching and fur flying out from behind the curtain and then... everything goes quiet.
Then to their utter astonishment the cage door swings open and he staggers out and says triumphantly "Now, comrades, where's that old bitch with the bad tooth?"

[bananadong]

A plumber came knocking at Mark's door. "I've come to fix your blocked toilet" the plumber said. "We haven't got a blocked toilet" Mark replied. "Are you Mr Collis?" the plumber queried. "No" Mark answered. "He moved away six months ago". "There are some real bastards in the world" the plumber swore. "They ring for a plumber saying it's an emergency, then they piss off to another address".

[bananadong]

I went to a party last night. I thought I looked pretty cool. Some Jewish guy approached me and said "The '70s called... they want their shirt back!" I said "Yeah? The '40s called... your shower's ready".

[bananadong]

I was walking downtown, and I passed this homeless man who started shaking his cup of change at me and I was like, okay, dick, I get it, you have more money than me, don't rub it in.

[bananadong]

Two soldiers are in the bathroom, one Army, one Navy. After they finish, the Navy soldier goes to wash his hands and looks over to see the Army soldier walking out the door. Disgusted, he called out "Didn't they teach you to wash your hands in the Army?" The Army soldier replied "No, they taught me not to piss on my fingers".

[bananadong]

A cabby picked up 3 rather large women and was taking them downtown. As they were talking, he thought he detected a Scottish accent. he asked "Are you three ladies from Scotland?" They looked at each other silently, then one of the sneered at him and said "It's Wales, you idiot". "Oh, excuse me. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

[bananadong]

A man takes his dog to the cinema. They sit there together, watching the movie and the dog is absolutely loving it. He's crying at the sad parts. Laughing at the funny bits. After the movie, they're leaving the theatre and a movie-goer comes up to them and says "Hey man, I just saw you and your dog in there, watching the film. It was amazing". He said, pointing to the dog "He looked like he was absolutely loving it! He was crying at the sad parts, laughing at the funny bits..." The man replies "Yeah I know, it's crazy... because he hated the book".

[bananadong]

Son: "Mum, I was coming home on the bus with dad and he told me to give up my seat for a lady". Mother: "Well that's a nice and polite thing to do". Son: "Yes, but I was sitting on dad's lap at the time".

[bananadong]

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn't speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word. The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says "Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake". My God" says his mother. "You can speak?" To which the German boy replies "Of course". "How come you've never spoken before?" asks his father. "Well" says the boy "up until now, everything has been satisfactory".

[bananadong]

The doctor finished performing a battery of costly tests and got the results. "I'm afraid I have some bad news, Mr. Cassidy" he said "you have approximately six months to live". "But I don't have insurance, doctor" said Cassidy "and I can't skimp and save enough to pay for those tests in that time!" "All right, all right" said the doctor. "Let's say nine months, then".

[bananadong]

A shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued".

[bananadong]

A tourist in Ireland goes into a local pub and orders a pint. While sitting at the bar he gets into conversation with the barman and learns that it's a really close community who often meet and enjoy time together at the pub.
As they talk, a local stands up and the bar goes silent. "Twenty-four!" he calls out, before sitting back down, to which the establishment reacts with laughing and smirking.
Bewildered, but accepting he's foreign to the culture the tourist continues with his drink, when he realises that another regular has stood up, again to silence.
"Forty-one!" The pub again was filled with the laughter and giggling of those who understood what was going on.
Even more confused, the tourist called over the bartender and asked what on earth was going on. "Oh, that" the bartender responded. "The locals here are all so familiar with each other that when they say jokes they don't need to repeat the whole thing. Each joke has a number and they just say that". "Really?" The tourist was impressed. "Do you think I could try?" "Of course, you've seen how it's done".
Nervous, the tourist got to his feet, unsure of what to say. Silence exaggerated his anxiety.
"Ninety-three!" he called out, to which the pub exploded with laughter. People were rolling on the floor and choking on their drinks with laughter. The tourist hadn't expected such a great response, he leaned over the bar amidst the noise and said to the barman "Why was the reaction so crazy?" The barman replied "It's been a while since the folk here have been told a joke they haven't heard before!"