Jokes

[bananadong]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "About two hours".
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says "About three hours".
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "About an hour and half".
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey. Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he haste wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back".
A lithe while later. Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks "Bill, where did he go when he let here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says "Your house!"

[bananadong]

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. "Wow, this bed is big!" "Everything is bigger in Texas" says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. "Wow these drinks are big!" The bartender replies "Everything is big in Texas". After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. "Second door to the right" says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts "Don't flush, don't flush!"

[bananadong]

A woman was in a coma and she had been for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma". The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room. A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heartbeat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried. The husband said "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[bananadong]

My mother in law has weekly lessons with the Devil on how to be more evil. I don't know how much he's paying her.

[bananadong]

Dr Mahony tells his patient "I have bad news and worse news, John". "Oh dear" John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. The doctor replies "I got your test results. They said you only have 24 hours to live". "That's terrible" says the patient. "But how can the news possibly be worse?" Dr Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday".

[bananadong]

As I opened the front door, I was confronted with the unmistakable sounds of someone making love to my wife upstairs. I took a moment to compose myself before doing what any man in my predicament would have done. I slowly backed out of the front door and went to the pub. Anybody prepared to have sex with her must be a fucking psycho!

[bananadong]

The anthropology professor was well known for making sexist comments and jokes in class much to the dismay of the feminist female students. The women students got together outside class and decided that after the next sexist comment from the professor they would stand up and walk out of class in solidarity. The next day the professor, while lecturing on a certain African tribe, said: "And you ladies will be glad to know that the average penis size of the tribesmen is 12 inches!" At that moment all the women in the class stood up and began filing out. The professor then said: "Wait! Wait ladies! The next flight to Nairobi doesn't leave until tomorrow morning!"

[bananadong]

The other night I got stuck in a line at the Wal-Mart. After 5 minutes I coughed and said "This cough has been getting worse ever since I got back from China".

[bananadong]

A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade
The student comes up to the professor "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"
The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?"
The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye - and bites it.
The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85.
The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked. 'He can't pull out his nose' he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose.
The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90.
The student then makes another offer "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?"
The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees.
The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet. He sniffs it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".

[bananadong]

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with Indians, outlaws, tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hot tubs, mellow speak, fires and earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.
So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing:
"If you ever hear even a rumour that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and get out of town as fast as you can".
Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale.
Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it.
Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter and waited.
He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the centre of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head, dropping the critter to its knees, and bellowed "Wait here 'til I get back!"
The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering "You pussycats stay here 'til I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down.
Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp.
Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?" Fred managed to say "N-n-n-nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?" To which the fellow replied "Hell no! I don't have time! I gotta get out of here - Mad Martin's coming!"

[bananadong]

Charles, Angus and Patrick had just broken out of prison. Knowing that the police were hot on their tails, they dashed into the nearest building they could find - an old pub. Worried that the police would arrive at any second, they headed into the basement to hide. In the basement they found three large burlap sacks, which they hastily climbed into in an attempt to conceal themselves.
A policeman walked into the pub and asked the old landlord if he had seen three men enter. The man pondered for a while, before pointing a wrinkled old finger to the door leading to the basement.
The policeman entered the basement to find the three sacks leaning against the wall. Curious, he kicked the first one, inside of which hid Charles. Thinking on his feet, Charles did his best impression of a dog. "Woof woof, woof woof" he barked.
The policeman frowned, but said nothing. He moved to the next bag, where Angus hid, and decided to kick it too. Following Charles' lead, Angus began to purr like a cat. Again, the policeman frowned, but said nothing.
Finally, he came to Patrick's bag, which he again kicked. Patrick, who had been trying desperately to understand the others' plan, smiled, and shouted, with as much conviction as he could muster "POTATOES!"

[bananadong]

A country boy visited the city and met a girl in a bar who invited him back to her house. When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.
She said: "Let's start with a 69" The country boy replied: "What's that?"
With that she got him into position, and they went at it. Within a minute of starting, the city girl felt a fart coming on. She tried holding it back, but she figured the country boy was probably enjoying what she was doing to him and just let it rip
Less than a minute later, she felt another one coming on and since he hadn't said anything, let this one out as well.
After that, the country boy pushed her off, got up, and started getting dressed
The city girl, embarrassed, asked "I guess you didn't like that, huh?" The country boy said: "No, it was fine, but I just don't think I could take 67 more of those!"

[bananadong]

Stanley goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn't remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet.
He walks into downtown and goes into one bar and asked the bartender "Excuse me, this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?" "A golden toilet? I don't think so" the bartender said, giving him a strange look.
The man walked into another bar "Excuse me, you don't happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?" said Stanley. "A golden toilet, huh? Don't be ridiculous".
This continues all day until finally Stanley walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town. He asks the bartender "Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet".
The bartender smiles, turns around and yells "Hey Bob, I think we found the guy who took a shit in your tuba!"

[bananadong]

A young, and very conservative couple is planning to get married. They are deeply in love, but have scarcely done more than hold hands, and only with each other. As they walk along the downtown streets of their city, admiring wedding dresses and cakes at various shops, and making notes about what they like, the conversation slowly takes a serious turn.
The man says "Look, there is something I need to share with you. I have never shared this with anyone, but I have heard that penis size is important to women".
"I'm confused" says the young woman.
"I'm hung like a baby" the man replies.
The woman thinks for a moment, then replies "Well, as you know, I am a virgin and have nothing to compare it to, so I don't think it matters. I love you, and I am looking forward to a happy life with you".
Feeling relieved, the man begins walking again, and the woman follows but looks concerned.
Finally, after a long pause, she says "I, too, should share something with you. I know from my friends that men love large breasts on a woman, and I must tell you that I am afraid you will be disappointed. I wear a padded bra, I am basically flat as a board, and I am very nervous that you will not like me so much when you see me naked".
The man thinks for a moment, then replies "My dear, you know I have nothing to compare your chest to, in the nude, and I love you, so I am not concerned. Let's be married and have a happy life".
Both relieved, they continue planning the wedding, and shortly thereafter they do get married.
On the wedding night, both are understandably nervous, being as inexperienced as they are. They kiss, and slowly begin remove each other's clothing.
As the young woman's shirt, and then her bra, come off, sure enough - not even an A cup. But, this man loves his new wife, and continues with enthusiasm.
Soon, the woman slowly works the man's pants off, and slowly slides down his underwear. Immediately after seeing his penis, in a very anticipatory state, she faints.
In a panic, the young man elevates her legs and ensures she is breathing as she is clearly in shock. Soon enough, she comes to, and he is relieved.
He promptly asks if she is ok, to which she replies "I thought you said you were hung like a baby?"
"I am" he says "21.5 inches, 8 pounds, 9 ounces".

[bananadong]

Parts of the body are having a debate. One day all the body parts are gathered together to discuss who amongst them should be the leader.
The brain steps forward and says "I should be the leader for I am the cleverest. I keep everyone organised and find solutions to problems".
Everyone is quite impressed until the heart steps forward and says "I should be the leader for I am the most important and vital organ. I supply the blood and keep everyone moving. Let us also not forget that a person can survive brain death but not the lack of a heart".
The debate keeps on until a mysterious figure emerges. It's the sphincter.
He says "Howdy. I reckon y'all ought to let me be the leader".
Before he could carry on his pitch the rest of the body parts were already laughing and jeering at his ridiculous proposal. So, the sphincter stormed off and shut down.
Within a week the waste had built up causing problems for everyone including the heart and brain, until finally they relented and let sphincter be the leader.
The moral of the story is. To be a leader you don't have to be smart or important, just an arsehole.

[bananadong]

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place - two rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, potbellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location. It was suspended in mid-air by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating" said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb".
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin".
"With all due respect" interrupted the theologian "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries". The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.
When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.

[bananadong]

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place - two rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, potbellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location. It was suspended in mid-air by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating" said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb".
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin".
"With all due respect" interrupted the theologian "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries". The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.
When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.

[bananadong]

A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favourite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud. Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens. The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[bananadong]

A woman goes to the doctor for help, because every day her husband comes home from work, he beats her. The doctor tells her to fill her mouth with water and swish it around when he arrives at home. She should keep doing this every day. A week later, the woman sees the doctor in the street, and runs up to him to thank him for the wonderful advice. She says her husband hasn't lifted a single hand to her. She asks the doctor what wonderful water swishing technique this is and what is the purpose of swishing the water in the mouth, and how it solved her problem. The doctor replies "Oh there's no technique to it really. It simply keeps your mouth shut".

[bananadong]

A traveling salesman on business met a young blonde lady in a bar and invited her to his room. As she was disrobing, he said "Say, how old are you?" "Thirteen" she said. "Thirteen?! My God! You're a child! Put your clothes back on right now and get out of here!" On her way out the door, the confused nymphet paused, turned to him, and said "You're superstitious, right?"

[bananadong]

Fred and Jim were in the middle of a game of golf when Fred pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter to spark up a cigarette. "Wow, where did you get such a large Bic?" asked Jim. "Oh, I've got this old genie in my golf bag" said Fred. "If you want, I'll get him out and he'll grant you a wish - but only one, so make sure you get it right". A wizened genie appeared and Fred said "I want a million bucks!" The genie nodded, disappeared and the sky immediately darkened. Looking up, Jim saw an enormous flock of ducks blotting out the sky. Pissed off, he turned to Fred and said "I said a million BUCKS, not a million ducks!" "Hey, do you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?" Fred replied.

[bananadong]

Mrs Jones is suffering from a rare heart condition. She goes to see the doctor and he prescribes male hormones - testosterone, 2 pills a day. She takes them and 2 months late goes back to the doctor and says "Doctor, that hormone medicine is doing wonders for my heart, the only problem is that I'm growing hair in places I've never had hair before". The doctor says "Don't worry about is Mrs Jones, the hair is to be expected. Where exactly is this hair growing" he asks. She says "On my balls doctor... on my balls".

[bananadong]

The missus had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf. When she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and Asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee" she said. "Where" he asked. "Between the first and second hole" she replied. He nodded knowingly and said "Then your feet are too far apart."

[bananadong]

One night a well-dressed vampire walks into a bar. The bartender asks the vampire what he will be having. The vampire replies just a cup of boiling water. The bartender looks at him funny but gets him a cup of boiling water. The vampire takes his cup and goes off to sit down. The bar tender shrugs and goes back to cleaning the glasses. The next night the vampire returns, and once again asks for a cup of boiling water, gets it from the bartender and goes to sit down. The third night the vampire returns and asks for the cup of boiling water again. This time the bartender puzzled, finally asks the vampire. Sir you come in every night to a BAR and only order boiling water, why? The vampire pulls out a tampon and says "It's for tea!"

[bananadong]

I guy walks in to a bar. Looking kind of miserable, he has a story to tell.
The barman says "Hey, how ya doing? You don't look so good..." The guy replies "Last night ... last night was the worst night of my life". "Oh really?" says the barkeep "How bad can it be?"
So, the guy tells his story...
"Last night, I had a drink or two, down at Sally's bar. Ya know Sally? with the big ...?" "Yeah, I know Sally" says barman.
"So I was down there, just having a couple. Feeling pretty good, and Sally says to me, she says 'Hey, I want to close up early. Why don't ya come back with me back to my place?'"
"Wow, says the barman. That's not a bad night"
"Wait for it, I haven't finished yet. We go back to her place. She's clearly feeling frisky. I try it on a bit, ya know? Ease over on the couch. She jumps at it. Rips my clothes off. Rips her clothes off. We jump on the bed and start going at it. So we're bangin' away, ooohin' and ahhhin'".
"Hey that's pretty good! Sally is a very nice girl. What a night!" says barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. So we're goin' at it, ooohin' and ahhhin'. You'll never guess what happens?"
"What happened?" says barkeep.
"There's a sound of keys in the door. It's her boyfriend. She says 'Oh no, quick, he's crazy. You've got to hide'. So I look for a place, but there's nothing. I end up out on the window ledge, hanging from me fingers. It's pitch black, cold outside, the wind is whipping passed my arse and I'm freezing to death!"
"Oh I see the problem" says the barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy walks in, sees Sally on the bed naked, jumps in straight away. And they're banging away and ooohin' and aaaahin'. And I'm stuck outside, pitch black, hanging from me finger tips, freezing cold, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death".
"Oh, that's bad".
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. So suddenly, the guy stops. Says 'Sally, sorry but I got take a piss.' Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, takes a piss out the window. So I'm hanging from me finger tips, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping passed me ears, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death".
"Oh no ... " says barman.
"Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to the bed, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and ooohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens? He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'm feeling a little woozy. I have to throw up'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, upchucks his guts out. So I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me neck, vomit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death!"
"Oh please no" says the barman, looking a bit uneasy.
"Wait I haven't finished yet. He finishes, goes back all fresh, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and ooohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens? He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'll be done in a second. I need to take a dump'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he sticks his ass out the window... anyway, so I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me chest, vomit gooping round me ears, a shit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my arse, and I'm freezing to death!!!"
"Oh, let it stop!!" says the barkeep.
"Wait I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to Sally, they're bangin' away, ooohin and aaaahin'. And FINALLY they're done. They go to sleep. At that point, dawn appears, the sun comes up. It's day time. And I'm hangin' there, freezing cold, piss dripping down me legs, vomit oozing down my back, a shit sliding round me ears, wind whipping passed my ass, I'm freezing to death... and I'm six inches off the ground".

[bananadong]

A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job. Eventually, he comes to a whorehouse with a "Help Wanted" sign in the window. He walks in the whorehouse and asks the manager about the job offer in the window.
The manager says "Well we need a bookkeeper at this here whorehouse, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do". "Like what?" says the man.
"Well, can you read?" "No". "Can you write?" "No". "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either " the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat " the manager gives him.
The destitute man walks out of the whorehouse and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cartful of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!"
Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the applecart and buys two more apples for 25 cents apiece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions.
Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story.
"Well I can't do that " says the man. "Well why not?" "I can't read or write how do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you can't read or write? Think of where you'd be if you could!" "Well I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a whorehouse!"

[bananadong]

An Irish woman of advancing years visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem" said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra". "What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes" he said.
She called the doctor the very next afternoon.
"How did it go?" he asked. "Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!" "Oh, no! What in the world happened?"
"Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T'was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor "Wasn't the sex good?" "Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin' here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[bananadong]

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, little Johnny asks his mum "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies "No". Johnny says "I think I know why".
Knowing little Johnny's propensity for lude and crude remarks, his mum replies "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school".
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies "No". Johnny says "I think I know why". His mum replies "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school".
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mum says "No". He says "I think I know why". His mum replies "Okay, okay, do tell me what you think".
Little Johnny says: "Last night Fred came to my room for a tube of Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue".

[bananadong]

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?" 'Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbour Virgil Smith... he's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there".
"Thank you very much for the call, sir".
The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd... did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

[bananadong]

Johnny was watching an adult movie with Mary. Johnny gets a hard-on.
Obviously, Mary started asking right away "Johnny what is that?" while pointing at Johnny's dick Johnny being busy with other stuff answered quickly "That's a stork"
Mary is still bored and starts asking again "What is that?" while pointing at Johnny's balls Johnny then answers "Those are storks' eggs".
Mary is still intrigued "But Johnny what are these?" while pointing at the pubic hairs Johnny isn't bothered by Marys stupid questions and says "That's the storks nest. Leave me alone already!"
The next day Johnny wakes up in a hospital bed and his groin is so painful.
Noticing Mary, he asks "Mary, what happened to me?" Mary answers "Johnny, I played with your stork yesterday but it spat in my face! I got very angry, I broke the stork's neck, smashed its eggs and set the nest on fire".