Jokes

[bananadong]

On a fine Sunday the church was full. The father was preaching when suddenly a very hot lady with big tits screams "PATRICK YOU BASTARD!"
About twenty minutes later she again screams "PATRICK YOU BASTARD!"
This goes on throughout the whole service and as people were leaving, Father approaches the lady and asks her calmly to tell him what was troubling her. "Not here father" she says.
So, he takes her to his room and asks her to share her grief. She removes her coat which exposes her deep cleavage and says "It's very shameful, Farther. I cannot say it". Father assures her that nothing can be shameful for him. And offers to act out whatever she would say.
She agrees and begins "I met Patrick about 3 months ago in this church, we started taking and liked each other". She continues "One day he invited me to his house where he hugged me... oh it's so embarrassing, I won't be able to say it!" "Nothing is embarrassing my child" said the Father and went close to her and hugged her. "Is this how he hugged you?" "Yes Father" she continued "then he pulled me close to him and k..k.. kissed me. Oh this is so embarrassing"
Father now finding himself aroused and staring down her cleavage says "Please my child, continue... did he kiss you like this?" And he kisses her. "Yes father" she continued "then he slowly took my top off... ohh..."
Before she could say anything Farther pulls her top off. "Like this my child? " "Yes Father" she says getting somewhat comfortable now. "Then he slid my skirt off" Before she's finished saying it, the testosterone charged father pulls her skirt down in a flash "like this? " "Yes father, then he took his clothes off". Hearing this, Father, unable to control himself, rips HIS clothes off!
"Then he lay me down and climbed on top of me". Father need not be told anything else he did exactly that. "Then he fucked me!"
Father could not hold it back and vigorously screwed her for an hour making up for all the lost time.
After he finished, the father said "That sounds pretty normal... so what went wrong?" "It's after that he confessed to me that he had AIDS!"
This time father's thunderous voice echoes through the church "PATRICK, YOU BASTARD!!"

[bananadong]

Hoping to get a 4k tv after Christmas. Making my New Year's resolution 3840 x 2160.

[bananadong]

A man goes to see his boss. "Boss" he says "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff". "COVID has us short-handed" the boss replies. "I can't afford to give anyone a day off". The man says "Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!"

[bananadong]

What's worse than sitting on Santa's lap and he gets a woody? When he stands up and you don't slide off.

[bananadong]

A couple went Christmas shopping with their three young children in tow. After hours of traipsing around toyshops and hearing their kids ask for every item on the shelves, they were totally fed-up. Weighed down with the bags, they squeezed into the crowded lift to take them up to the car park. The husband sighed aloud to nobody in particular "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be arrested and strung up!" A voice from the back of the lift replied quietly "Don't worry sir, I believe they crucified him".

[bananadong]

I was in the pub on New Year's Eve, A woman stood up and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck midnight, the barman was almost crushed to death.

[bananadong]

I was browsing in a department store, looking for Christmas gifts. A salesman soon spotted me and came to my assistance. "Can I help you, sir"? he asked. "Yes, I'd like to see what wristwatches you have for sale" I replied. "Analogue?" he asked. Me: "No, just the watch please".

[bananadong]

The Three Wise Men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed. Joseph said "Write that down, Mary, it's way better than Fred!"

[bananadong]

A young teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian. She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too. Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air. There's just one girl who doesn't raise her hand. So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. The girl says "Because I'm not a Christian". The teacher asks "So what are you then? " The girl replies "I'm an atheist". The teacher's a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she's an atheist. The girl says "It's just that my family isn't religious. My mum's atheist, and my dad's atheist, so I'm atheist". The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason!" she says loudly. "What if your mum was a moron? And your dad was a moron? What would you be then?" "Then," says the girl "I'd be a born-again Christian!"

[bananadong]

I remember last year listening to two blondes on the train. First blonde: "I see Christmas day is on a Friday this year". Second blonde: "Bloody hell, I hope it's not on the thirteenth then".

[bananadong]

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last-minute shopping done.

I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12-years-old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred-dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.

He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and two sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home.

He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred-dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said "I did". "And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered "Help me!"

I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So, I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

[bananadong]

With Christmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a 'social session' out with friends.

Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends, and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

[bananadong]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20's, a woman's boobs are like melons - round and firm. In her 30's and 40's, they are like pears - still nice but hanging a bit. After 50 - they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry".

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers "Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree - mighty and hard! In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch - flexible but reliable. After his 50's - it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration".

[bananadong]

Norma and Sonia were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays.

Norma said "My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their 'thank you' notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I always received a lovely `thank you' note. However, since my daughter-in-law stopped making the grandkids send thank you notes, I never hear from them".

Sonia said "My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send `thank you' notes. I too send them a very generous cheque. However, for the past several years, I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit".

"Wow" remarked Norma. "I wish mine would do that". "You can, Norma, you can".

"How?" Norma asked. "Simple. Do what I do. Don't sign the cheque".

[bananadong]

I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be. The same is true for porn.

[bananadong]

A man realised he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman. "Anything from $2 to $2,000".
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer. The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket". "How does it work?" asked the customer. "For $2, it doesn't work" said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder".

[bananadong]

A gorilla walks into a bar and says "A scotch on the rocks, please". The gorilla hands the bartender a $20 note. The bartender thinks to himself 'this gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks' and gives him $2 change. The bartender says "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here". The gorilla replies "Well, at $18 a drink, I ain't coming back, either".

[bananadong]

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind" said the waiter with a smile. "We don't have an air conditioner".

[bananadong]

After picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. "Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the pet shop store owner. "No, don't bother" replied George. "He can't read anyway".

[bananadong]

So David is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. "Ma" he said to his Mother "I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiancé". Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him. "It's that one" said his mother, without blinking an eye. "Holy cow" exclaimed David "how in the world did you know it was her?" "I just don't like her" she replied.

[bananadong]

A young lady and her new boyfriend were in a club having fun. She didn't know her ex-boyfriend was in the same club watching them. After few minutes, she stood up and told her guy she needed to use the toilet. When the ex saw her walking to the toilet, he hurriedly walked to his ex-girl's boyfriend and he asked him "How do you feel enjoying a second-hand material?" The new boyfriend smiled and said "I don't feel anything because when you just pass the first 3 inches, the rest is still new".

[bananadong]

I was driving down the road the other day when a huge crow slammed into my windshield and broke its neck. It was stuck there on the windshield blocking my view. There was a cop behind me and I felt a little nervous with a dead crow blocking my view, so I turned on the windshield wipers. The dead bird flew straight up and over my car and landed on the cops windshield. His lights suddenly came on. I pulled over and the cop starts to write me a ticket. When I asked him what the ticket was for, he said "Flippin' me the bird".

[bananadong]

I was sat at the bar waiting to meet a bird that I'd been chatting to over the Internet earlier, when I got a tap on the shoulder. "Are you Steve?" the woman asked with a smile. "You're fucking gorgeous!" I burst out in delight. "Yes, I am Steve". "That's brilliant" she replied. "There's some fat bitch over there looking for you!"

[bananadong]

A scruffy old hobo walks into town on market day.
In the town square, he sees a crowd where a man has set up a booth with an old flea-bitten donkey standing next to it along with a sign saying: Make The Donkey LAUGH And Win $50! Only 10 Cents A Turn!
The hobo watches several people try making him laugh, mostly by jumping up and making faces but the donkey doesn't so much as twitch.
The hobo walks up to the man, holds out a 10-cent coin and says "Do ya mind if I have a go?"
With so many people having failed the man is happy to pocket the hobo's money and says "No one has managed to make the donkey laugh in over ten years, so you're welcome to try".
The hobo walks over to the donkey, who is disinterestedly munching on some hay, he takes hold of his ear and whispers something into it. Suddenly the donkey's eyes light up and he begins to bray with laughter, he falls to his knees then rolls over onto his back kicking his hooves in the air.
He laughs and laughs so much the crowd joins in.
The man is amazed and hands the hobo his winnings but before he can ask him how he did it the hobo has disappeared.
The following market day the man is back but with a new sign: Make The Donkey CRY And Win $50. Only 10 Cents A Try".
All day people come forward and part with their dimes and try all sorts of tricks to make the donkey cry but no one comes even close.
Then the hobo arrives.
"Do ya mind if I have a go?" he asks.
The man has had a good day with so many people trying that he forgets that it was the hobo who won the $50 last time and agrees to let him try.
The hobo walks over to the donkey and once again he whispers something into his ear but this time, he opens his coat and points. Suddenly the donkey's face clouds over, he begins to sob uncontrollably, he falls to his knees in an agony of despair and looks fit to die of grief.
The man is dumbfounded. He rushes to the donkey in an attempt to comfort him. He reaches into his pocket for the $50 and says to the hobo "What did you do to him? I have to know! How did you beat me twice?" "Well" says the hobo "I won the first $50 by telling him my dick was longer and thicker than his. The second I won by showing him".

[bananadong]

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee". Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, pointing he replies "Okay. Why don't you go behind that hedge".
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror "My God Mary... have you changed your sex?" "No" she replies. "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead".

[bananadong]

Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what colour your knickers are". She replies "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it".
But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue".
"Nope. You got it wrong" she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dad's car. He's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money".
She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims "That little fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

[bananadong]

A group of Irish friends arrive on vacation in the Caribbean.
Being typical Irish, the first thing they do after checking in and dropping off their luggage is to find a bar and get a drink. In the bar, they meet a group of attractive Nordic ladies, proceed to join tables and get to doing some serious drinking together.
A few rounds in, things are not going very well. The ladies seem to be slamming drinks one after the other without showing signs of slowing, while the gents' legs are starting to buckle. Now, the boys were very tired, and hungry after the flight, nobody can really blame them for a sub-par performance, but it's in front of ladies - it's damn shameful!
Eventually, they overdo it trying to compensate.
Come morning, they all start waking up sprawled out on the floor and across the furniture, all in the room of one of them - the one who dragged the rest of his buddy's home to the hotel after the bar.
They start rubbing their bloodshot eyes, and one by one begin recalling the embarrassment of the previous night, and feeling really sorry for themselves. Then the host of the room exits the bathroom. Looking a little worse for wear, but overall, still there.
He goes "Not to worry, gents, I've made sure the good name of Ireland remains untarnished after the events of last night!" His friend says "What? You out-drank them? That's great news!" He replies "No, that I could not do. But I told them we were all Scotts!"

[bananadong]

I am a reporter for a major monthly publication. Generally, I write human interest articles. Last year I was given the privilege and granted an interview with the Pope.
Upon entering the Pope's office, I was greeted warmly with a handshake and a hug. The Pope and I had an amazing conversation that lasted approximately 30 minutes.
During the entire time I was interviewing the Pope, my eyes kept glancing at a phone set into a nook on the wall. The phone appeared to be made of solid gold. The phone seems so out of place in that office that I continue to stare at it, wondering what that phone was, and where the other end went to.
At the end of the interview I asked the Pope "Your Holiness, I couldn't help but look at that phone on the wall, and wondering, where does it go?"
In response the Pope raised his eyes and pointed skyward.
"Excuse me your holiness, are you saying that that phone goes straight up to God?" "Yes, my son that's exactly right" the Pope replied.
"Well, your Holiness this may sound rash but do you think there's any possibility that I might speak to him?" "Why yes my son, you may. I will leave you alone for 10 or so minutes so that you may speak with him" the Pope replied.
After leaving the room I picked up the phone, and had the most amazing conversation of my life with you know who.
After leaving the office I found the Pope was in the outer office waiting for me to finish.
"Your Holiness, that was a most amazing and life-changing event for me. Is there anything I could do to repay this kindness and privilege that you have granted me?" "Well, my son, you could leave a donation, maybe $5,000 would be enough" the Pope replied.
Pulling out my cheque book I eagerly signed the check for a $5,000 donation to the church.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. This time I was sent to Israel to do an interview with the chief Rabbi of Jerusalem. The interview went very much like the interview with the Pope I had the year earlier. However, once again when I went into his office, I saw an identical phone in a niche on the wall behind the Rabbi.
Once again at the end of the interview I asked the Rabbi "Rabbi excuse me but I have to ask you this question, last year I was in Rome and had an opportunity to interview the Pope. He had a similar phone on the wall and granted me the incredible privilege to speak to God on his phone. Do you think it might be possible that I may use your phone to once again speak to him...?" "Yes my son, you may use my phone and speak to him if you wish" the Rabbi responded.
Once again I was left alone for approximately 20 minutes to speak with God.
At the end of the conversation, I left the Rabbi's office and entered his secretary's office, where the Rabbi was waiting for me to finish.
Speaking to the Rabbi before I left I said to him "Rabbi, last year when I was with the Pope he requested that I make a donation to the church for the privilege of using his phone. I would be more than willing to make a donation to you for the same privilege. How much should I write the check for?" I asked. "Well my son, $5 would be enough to cover the cost" the Rabbi responded. "$5...? Last year when I interviewed the Pope, he asked for a donation of $5,000. Why are you only asking for $5?" I inquired. "Well you see my son, from here it's a local call".

[bananadong]

Little John approached his father one day.
"Dad" he started. "What's the difference between supposedly and in fact?" His dad looks over his newspaper and ponders upon this for a minute.
"Why don't you go to your sister and ask if she would have sex with the neighbour's son for a million dollars?"
Little John doesn't understand what this has to do with his questions, but shrugs and goes to his older sister. He comes back after a short while.
"Yes father, she would!"
Dad nods absentmindedly, not looking up from his newspaper this time.
"Then why don't you go to your mother and ask her if she would have sex with the neighbour for a million dollars?"
Little John still doesn't understand where this is leading towards, but he goes and asks his mother.
"Yes father, she would!"
Dad turns a page, still reading, and nods.
"Well, you see son, we're supposedly rich, when in fact we have two whores under our roof".

[bananadong]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
The man had a large cardboard box under the bed. His wife had noticed this box but never thought much of it.
One day, however, curiosity got the better of her, and she opened it. She found 2 empty beer cans and a bag with some dollar bills and coins.
That night, she asked her husband what this was about.
"Well" he replied. "If you want to know the truth, each time I was unfaithful to you during our marriage, I put an empty beer can in the box".
She was shocked but decided to control her anger and look at the bright side. "I guess two times in 50 years is not terrible, it could have been a lot worse".
He agreed.
Then she asked "But what about the coins and dollar bills?" "Each time the box got full of cans, I would recycle them and put the money there".