Jokes

[bananadong]

Norma and Sonia were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays.

Norma said "My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their 'thank you' notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I always received a lovely `thank you' note. However, since my daughter-in-law stopped making the grandkids send thank you notes, I never hear from them".

Sonia said "My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send `thank you' notes. I too send them a very generous cheque. However, for the past several years, I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit".

"Wow" remarked Norma. "I wish mine would do that". "You can, Norma, you can".

"How?" Norma asked. "Simple. Do what I do. Don't sign the cheque".

[bananadong]

I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be. The same is true for porn.

[bananadong]

A man realised he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman. "Anything from $2 to $2,000".
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer. The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket". "How does it work?" asked the customer. "For $2, it doesn't work" said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder".

[bananadong]

A gorilla walks into a bar and says "A scotch on the rocks, please". The gorilla hands the bartender a $20 note. The bartender thinks to himself 'this gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks' and gives him $2 change. The bartender says "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here". The gorilla replies "Well, at $18 a drink, I ain't coming back, either".

[bananadong]

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind" said the waiter with a smile. "We don't have an air conditioner".

[bananadong]

After picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. "Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the pet shop store owner. "No, don't bother" replied George. "He can't read anyway".

[bananadong]

So David is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. "Ma" he said to his Mother "I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiancé". Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him. "It's that one" said his mother, without blinking an eye. "Holy cow" exclaimed David "how in the world did you know it was her?" "I just don't like her" she replied.

[bananadong]

A young lady and her new boyfriend were in a club having fun. She didn't know her ex-boyfriend was in the same club watching them. After few minutes, she stood up and told her guy she needed to use the toilet. When the ex saw her walking to the toilet, he hurriedly walked to his ex-girl's boyfriend and he asked him "How do you feel enjoying a second-hand material?" The new boyfriend smiled and said "I don't feel anything because when you just pass the first 3 inches, the rest is still new".

[bananadong]

I was driving down the road the other day when a huge crow slammed into my windshield and broke its neck. It was stuck there on the windshield blocking my view. There was a cop behind me and I felt a little nervous with a dead crow blocking my view, so I turned on the windshield wipers. The dead bird flew straight up and over my car and landed on the cops windshield. His lights suddenly came on. I pulled over and the cop starts to write me a ticket. When I asked him what the ticket was for, he said "Flippin' me the bird".

[bananadong]

I was sat at the bar waiting to meet a bird that I'd been chatting to over the Internet earlier, when I got a tap on the shoulder. "Are you Steve?" the woman asked with a smile. "You're fucking gorgeous!" I burst out in delight. "Yes, I am Steve". "That's brilliant" she replied. "There's some fat bitch over there looking for you!"

[bananadong]

A scruffy old hobo walks into town on market day.
In the town square, he sees a crowd where a man has set up a booth with an old flea-bitten donkey standing next to it along with a sign saying: Make The Donkey LAUGH And Win $50! Only 10 Cents A Turn!
The hobo watches several people try making him laugh, mostly by jumping up and making faces but the donkey doesn't so much as twitch.
The hobo walks up to the man, holds out a 10-cent coin and says "Do ya mind if I have a go?"
With so many people having failed the man is happy to pocket the hobo's money and says "No one has managed to make the donkey laugh in over ten years, so you're welcome to try".
The hobo walks over to the donkey, who is disinterestedly munching on some hay, he takes hold of his ear and whispers something into it. Suddenly the donkey's eyes light up and he begins to bray with laughter, he falls to his knees then rolls over onto his back kicking his hooves in the air.
He laughs and laughs so much the crowd joins in.
The man is amazed and hands the hobo his winnings but before he can ask him how he did it the hobo has disappeared.
The following market day the man is back but with a new sign: Make The Donkey CRY And Win $50. Only 10 Cents A Try".
All day people come forward and part with their dimes and try all sorts of tricks to make the donkey cry but no one comes even close.
Then the hobo arrives.
"Do ya mind if I have a go?" he asks.
The man has had a good day with so many people trying that he forgets that it was the hobo who won the $50 last time and agrees to let him try.
The hobo walks over to the donkey and once again he whispers something into his ear but this time, he opens his coat and points. Suddenly the donkey's face clouds over, he begins to sob uncontrollably, he falls to his knees in an agony of despair and looks fit to die of grief.
The man is dumbfounded. He rushes to the donkey in an attempt to comfort him. He reaches into his pocket for the $50 and says to the hobo "What did you do to him? I have to know! How did you beat me twice?" "Well" says the hobo "I won the first $50 by telling him my dick was longer and thicker than his. The second I won by showing him".

[bananadong]

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee". Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, pointing he replies "Okay. Why don't you go behind that hedge".
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror "My God Mary... have you changed your sex?" "No" she replies. "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead".

[bananadong]

Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what colour your knickers are". She replies "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it".
But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue".
"Nope. You got it wrong" she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dad's car. He's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money".
She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims "That little fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

[bananadong]

A group of Irish friends arrive on vacation in the Caribbean.
Being typical Irish, the first thing they do after checking in and dropping off their luggage is to find a bar and get a drink. In the bar, they meet a group of attractive Nordic ladies, proceed to join tables and get to doing some serious drinking together.
A few rounds in, things are not going very well. The ladies seem to be slamming drinks one after the other without showing signs of slowing, while the gents' legs are starting to buckle. Now, the boys were very tired, and hungry after the flight, nobody can really blame them for a sub-par performance, but it's in front of ladies - it's damn shameful!
Eventually, they overdo it trying to compensate.
Come morning, they all start waking up sprawled out on the floor and across the furniture, all in the room of one of them - the one who dragged the rest of his buddy's home to the hotel after the bar.
They start rubbing their bloodshot eyes, and one by one begin recalling the embarrassment of the previous night, and feeling really sorry for themselves. Then the host of the room exits the bathroom. Looking a little worse for wear, but overall, still there.
He goes "Not to worry, gents, I've made sure the good name of Ireland remains untarnished after the events of last night!" His friend says "What? You out-drank them? That's great news!" He replies "No, that I could not do. But I told them we were all Scotts!"

[bananadong]

I am a reporter for a major monthly publication. Generally, I write human interest articles. Last year I was given the privilege and granted an interview with the Pope.
Upon entering the Pope's office, I was greeted warmly with a handshake and a hug. The Pope and I had an amazing conversation that lasted approximately 30 minutes.
During the entire time I was interviewing the Pope, my eyes kept glancing at a phone set into a nook on the wall. The phone appeared to be made of solid gold. The phone seems so out of place in that office that I continue to stare at it, wondering what that phone was, and where the other end went to.
At the end of the interview I asked the Pope "Your Holiness, I couldn't help but look at that phone on the wall, and wondering, where does it go?"
In response the Pope raised his eyes and pointed skyward.
"Excuse me your holiness, are you saying that that phone goes straight up to God?" "Yes, my son that's exactly right" the Pope replied.
"Well, your Holiness this may sound rash but do you think there's any possibility that I might speak to him?" "Why yes my son, you may. I will leave you alone for 10 or so minutes so that you may speak with him" the Pope replied.
After leaving the room I picked up the phone, and had the most amazing conversation of my life with you know who.
After leaving the office I found the Pope was in the outer office waiting for me to finish.
"Your Holiness, that was a most amazing and life-changing event for me. Is there anything I could do to repay this kindness and privilege that you have granted me?" "Well, my son, you could leave a donation, maybe $5,000 would be enough" the Pope replied.
Pulling out my cheque book I eagerly signed the check for a $5,000 donation to the church.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. This time I was sent to Israel to do an interview with the chief Rabbi of Jerusalem. The interview went very much like the interview with the Pope I had the year earlier. However, once again when I went into his office, I saw an identical phone in a niche on the wall behind the Rabbi.
Once again at the end of the interview I asked the Rabbi "Rabbi excuse me but I have to ask you this question, last year I was in Rome and had an opportunity to interview the Pope. He had a similar phone on the wall and granted me the incredible privilege to speak to God on his phone. Do you think it might be possible that I may use your phone to once again speak to him...?" "Yes my son, you may use my phone and speak to him if you wish" the Rabbi responded.
Once again I was left alone for approximately 20 minutes to speak with God.
At the end of the conversation, I left the Rabbi's office and entered his secretary's office, where the Rabbi was waiting for me to finish.
Speaking to the Rabbi before I left I said to him "Rabbi, last year when I was with the Pope he requested that I make a donation to the church for the privilege of using his phone. I would be more than willing to make a donation to you for the same privilege. How much should I write the check for?" I asked. "Well my son, $5 would be enough to cover the cost" the Rabbi responded. "$5...? Last year when I interviewed the Pope, he asked for a donation of $5,000. Why are you only asking for $5?" I inquired. "Well you see my son, from here it's a local call".

[bananadong]

Little John approached his father one day.
"Dad" he started. "What's the difference between supposedly and in fact?" His dad looks over his newspaper and ponders upon this for a minute.
"Why don't you go to your sister and ask if she would have sex with the neighbour's son for a million dollars?"
Little John doesn't understand what this has to do with his questions, but shrugs and goes to his older sister. He comes back after a short while.
"Yes father, she would!"
Dad nods absentmindedly, not looking up from his newspaper this time.
"Then why don't you go to your mother and ask her if she would have sex with the neighbour for a million dollars?"
Little John still doesn't understand where this is leading towards, but he goes and asks his mother.
"Yes father, she would!"
Dad turns a page, still reading, and nods.
"Well, you see son, we're supposedly rich, when in fact we have two whores under our roof".

[bananadong]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
The man had a large cardboard box under the bed. His wife had noticed this box but never thought much of it.
One day, however, curiosity got the better of her, and she opened it. She found 2 empty beer cans and a bag with some dollar bills and coins.
That night, she asked her husband what this was about.
"Well" he replied. "If you want to know the truth, each time I was unfaithful to you during our marriage, I put an empty beer can in the box".
She was shocked but decided to control her anger and look at the bright side. "I guess two times in 50 years is not terrible, it could have been a lot worse".
He agreed.
Then she asked "But what about the coins and dollar bills?" "Each time the box got full of cans, I would recycle them and put the money there".

[bananadong]

A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a holiday.
After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room, he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her 'the look'. Whispering under her breath, the wife says "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!" Husband replies "You're right, let's go to the beach".
After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them.
"Put your clothes on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!" Embarrassed, the husband admits "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week. Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me".
The cop thought for a second and said "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it's your first time. But this is the third time I caught this woman making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay".