Jokes

[bananadong]

A group of kids on street were calling their friend m0nde through his window. "Johnny, come out to play!" "I can't, I'm sick". Johnny replied. "what's wrong with you?" kids asked. I'm fucking my sister" said Johnny.

[bananadong]

Husband: "Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner". Wife: "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal". Husband: "I know all that". Wife: "Then why did you invite the friend?" Husband: "Because the fool is thinking about getting married".

[bananadong]

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations.

So He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing" God told the couple "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool; I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who You give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

And it was good.

"Fine" God said, looking back into His bag of leftover gifts "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

[bananadong]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are drowning their sorrows down the pub.

"I can't believe it" says the Englishman. "Me and the wife, we've been together 15 years and today I found out she's been having an affair with a builder". "How do you know it was a builder?" the others ask. "I found a box of tools under the bed".

"Join the club" says the Scotsman. "Today, I found out my wife's been having an affair with a milkman". "How do you know it was a milkman?" the others ask". I found a crate of milk under the bed".

"You as well?" asks the Irishman. "I've just found out the wife was having an affair with a fookin' horse!"

The other two look at him incredulously. "How do you know it was a horse?" "I found a jockey hiding under the bed".

[bananadong]

A turtle and a frog were sitting on a log on the far side of the pond.

The turtle turned to the frog and said "I'll bet you I can beat you to the other side of the pond!" The frog, always bragging about how fast he was, exclaimed "No way! Not with THESE legs! I can swim TWICE as fast as you can!" "Okay, I'll bet you 3 flies I can beat you to the other side" the turtle said wryly. "You're on!" the frog said, as he jumped into the water.

"On your mark, get set, GO!" the turtle yelled loudly. And with that, the turtle dove deep into the water, swimming in a slow and steady pace near the bottom of the pond.

The frog continued skimming along the surface at a frantic pace, far ahead of the turtle, until he had almost reached the other shore.

Right when he was about to hop out of the water, a nearby alligator snapped him up in the middle of his jaws, with the frog still hanging partially out of his mouth.

A few moments later, the turtle calmly got out of the water and onto the shore, dried himself off, looked at the alligator straight in the eye and said "See? I TOLD you I could get you frog legs for dinner!"

[bananadong]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1911 Colt pistol and yelled "I have a .45 Colt with an eight-shot clip and I want to know who's been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the room called out... "You'll need more ammo!"

[bananadong]

I met this girl at the weekend and took her home to meet my dad. He whispered to me "Where the fuck did you get her from, son?! She's cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she's got no teeth!" I replied "There's no need to whisper, dad. She's deaf as well".

[bananadong]

Got myself a new pet penguin the other day, it's much better than our dog. I can fuck it up the arse when the wife's at work and she'll never notice it's walking funny!

[bananadong]

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. As soon as she arrived there, she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right. Her husband said "The cat just died". She burst into tears and said "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually!? Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how's mother?" "She's playing on the roof!" he replied.

[bananadong]

I ran my fingers through her long dark curly hair... but she didn't like being tickled under her armpit

[bananadong]

"What is your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the new year. "He's a magician" said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favourite trick?" "Sawing people in half". "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?" "Yes, one half-brother and two half-sisters".

[bananadong]

Don't you just hate it when you're sending a text, and you're so rudely interrupted by a stupid cyclist, bouncing off your windscreen?

[bananadong]

Stopped at a service station earlier. Picked up a KitKat, a bottle of water and a sausage roll. As I approached the checkout, I mentioned to the girl at the till I only had a $50 note. "No problem" she said "Put the sausage roll back".

[bananadong]

I was in a bar Saturday night, and had a few drinks. I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them screamed "It's Wales you idiot!" So, I immediately apologised and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?" That's all I remember.

[bananadong]

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?" The dad replies "Why do you want to know, son?" "Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!"

[bananadong]

One day a man called the church office and said "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said "I'm sorry, who?

The caller repeated "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" She said "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Father,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"

To this, the man replied "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 in my will to the church building fund..." To this, the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"

[bananadong]

Two friends, Sam and Terry, are spending the day together. As they are walking home down an empty street, they find themselves at gunpoint with a mugger asking for their wallets. As they take out their wallets Sam says "One sec" He takes a 20 out of his wallet and gives it to Terry. "Here's the 20 I owe you".

[bananadong]

An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor. The doctor says "We have three possible donors. One is a young, healthy athlete. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years". "I'll take the lawyer's heart" says the patient. "Why?" asks the doctor. The patient replies "It's never been used".

[bananadong]

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

[bananadong]

My gorgeous next-door neighbour is a beginner gardener. I asked her how it was going so far. She said "I can't get my tomatoes to turn red like yours. Any advice?" I said "Every morning expose yourself to the tomatoes and you'll see they'll start blushing red". After a week of watching her expose her beautiful body to the tomatoes, I went over and asked her. "Any luck with the tomatoes?" She said "Not yet, but the cucumbers are enormous".

[bananadong]

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a fuckin job, she's not for him.

[bananadong]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[bananadong]

After a few years of marriage my wife said to me "Why don't you treat me like you used to do before we were married, when we were just going out together?" So the very next night I took her to the cinema, then on to a smart restaurant for a great meal and then I dropped her off at her parents!

[bananadong]

A man entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said "It's golf balls". The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[bananadong]

My dad wanted to be buried in a blue suit. When I got to the undertakers, he was wearing a green suit. I told him he had it wrong and my Father is to be buried in a blue suit. He apologised and asked me to come back in an hour. I got back and my father was laying there peacefully in a crisp blue suit. I said "That's amazing, who was the tailor who did it?" The undertaker said "I didn't use a tailor. I did it myself". I said "I can't thank you enough, how did you get a blue suit so quick? He said "You see the guy in the coffin over there? He had a blue suit on. So I swapped the heads".

[bananadong]

A sprightly 101-year-old cattleman from once told a young female neighbour that the secret of living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great grandchildren, five great-great grandchildren... and a 40-foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.

[bananadong]

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court" he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"

[bananadong]

A man goes to the doctors for a check-up, the doctor says "You need to stop masturbating!" "Why?" asks the man. The doctor replies "Because I am trying to examine you!"

[bananadong]

A husband and wife were down and out on their luck. The bills were piling up, they were past-due on the rent, and the fridge was empty. One night, over (what should have been) dinner, he said to her "Honey, I love you and our marriage is strong. I think the only way out of this mess is for you to start, well, selling yourself". She reluctantly agreed, so the next night, she took her "station" on the corner. Shortly after 2am, she came home, thoroughly exhausted. He said "Well... how much did you make tonight?" Beaming, she said "I made $101! I can stretch that to buy us food for a week!" "A hundred dollars... plus one?" he said, flustered. "Who's the bum who gave you the dollar?" She said "They ALL did!"

[bananadong]

A young bloke goes for a job at sea. The captain asks "Have you any experience away at sea?" "No" the lad replies "but I'm honest!" The captain decides to take him on and they soon set sail. After three weeks at sea the lad is busy swabbing the decks when a big wave crashes over and sweeps the young bloke overboard. The first mate runs to the captain "Captain, captain, you know the young bloke we took on? The one who said he was honest? Well, the little bastard just fucked off with your mop!"