Jokes

[bananadong]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son". He answered "That's okay".
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Goodbye, mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy".
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out "Goodbye, mum!"
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $61.85" said the clerk. "Can't possibly be that much? I only bought 5 items". The clerk replied "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things, too".

[bananadong]

Last night I was watching TV in the sitting room, when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, my love? I have chicken, lamb or beef". "Thank you so much, sweetie" I replied. "I'll have the lamb, please, honeybuns". "Not you, ya fat bastard. You'll have a boiled egg as usual. I was talking to the cat".

[bananadong]

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied "Nope. "As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled "I thought you said your dog didn't bite! "The old man muttered "Aint my dog".

[bananadong]

A guy's sitting in the clubhouse having a drink when a fella with a black eye and a nine-iron wrapped around his neck staggers in. "What happened to you?" The guy asks. "I was going around with my wife and all was well until I teed off on the 8th hole. Hooked it straight into that cow paddock next door. The wife laughed, but when she had her shot, the same thing happened, wham into the cow paddock. We went in there to find our balls, and I saw the damn'dest thing, a cow with its tail up and a little white dot poking out of its arse. Sure enough, it was a golf ball, the same brand my wife uses. I held the cow's tail higher, pointed at it and shouted to the wife 'hey, this looks like yours'. Next thing I remember, I woke up looking like this".

[bananadong]

A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman. He climbs on top of her. "Can I turn the light off?" he asks. "Why?" she replies "Are you feeling a bit shy?" "No... it's burning my arse!"

[bananadong]

Paddy says to Murphy "Have u seen the news? 3 Cliff Walkers have fallen to their deaths!" "Unbelievable" said Murphy "I can't believe they all had the same name!"

[bananadong]

A group of guys are sitting in the golf club locker room when a mobile phone in a sports bag starts ringing. One of them answers and says "Oh, hello honey. What? I left my credit card at home and you want to know if you can use it to buy that $2,000 dress you've had your eye on? Sure you can darling". The other guys go quiet and look on in amazement as he continues; "And then you want to go to the Porsche dealer and put down a deposit on a Boxster? No problem, go ahead dear". The other's eyes are boggling now. "What? The $5,000 beauty treatment? Of course you can. You're worth it my darling! Okay, see you later angel". Everyone's staring at him in total silence as he ends the call and puts the phone back in the bag. Then, as he's zipping it up, he asks "Hey, anyone know whose bag this is?"

[bananadong]

Recently leaked documents from the Vatican have shown why the Catholic Church is protecting paedophiles. Apparently, the last time they shunned a child molester, he started Islam.

[bananadong]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. "Hello" she says. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks "Do you know me?" To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids". Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly "No, I'm your son's teacher..."

[bananadong]

A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains. He realises he has a tapeworm.
The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."
"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, sceptical. "What for?" "Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell you!"
So, the guy leaves and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. He tells the doctor his stomach pain is even worse. The doctor tells him to drop his pants and bend over. The guy does. Next thing you know, the doctor is shoving the banana up his arse!
"THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?" the man screams. "You want my help, or don't you?"
His stomach is aching, so he clenches his fists and lets the doc proceed. The doctor shoves the banana all the way up his arse. And then looks at his watch for ten minutes. Then she shoves the cookie up the man's arse too!
The man is shaking badly from pain. The doctor tells him to come back tomorrow and bring a banana and a cookie.
"AGAIN!?" "You want my help, or don't you?"
So the guy goes away and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. The exact same thing happens. This time the man is shaking and crying by the end of it. The doctor tells him to come back the next day with a banana and a cookie!!
"You want my help or don't you?" the doctor says, cutting off the man's protests.
So once again, the guy returns, and gets a banana, and ten minutes later, a cookie shoved up his ass. He's sobbing by the end of it. But this time the doctor tells him, "Tomorrow, bring a banana and a hammer."
"Oh God! What the hell are you going to do to me now!?" the man says, and he leaves sobbing.
But the next day, he returns with a banana and a hammer. The doctor tells him to drop his pants, and once again he shoves the banana up the man's ass. Then he waits.
Ten minutes later, the tapeworm pops his head out of the man's butthole. "Hey! Where the fuck's my cookie!?"
BAM!

[bananadong]

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter.
The girl at the cash register said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat".
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again, the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog".
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said "No, you might have a snake in there".
The little old lady assured her there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady "That smells like crap".
The little old lady said "It is. I want to buy a roll of toilet paper".

[bananadong]

As a man is leaving his house for work his wife shouts out "Don't forget to buy a bag of snails on your way home, my parents are coming for dinner remember".
The man agrees and rushes off to work, where he has a terrible, stressful day. Sure enough, when he gets home he's forgotten the bag of snails.
"I can't believe you've forgot to get them, you know how much my mum loves escargot. You've got 1 hour to go and get them" screams his wife.
The man runs to the local shop and buys the bag of snails. As he's walking home he goes past his local pub and his best mate runs outside and says "Hey mate come and have a drink, it's John's birthday".
The man says "yeah fuck it, but I'll just have to have a quick one as I've got the in laws coming for tea".
Needless to say, one pint turns into four which turns into ten and before he knows it, the pubs closing. He grabs his bag of snails and staggers back home, drunk as a Lord.
When he gets to his garden gate, he decides to vault it and in his drunken state falls flat on his face, spilling the bag of snails all over the garden path.
His wife flung open the front door and starts screaming "Where the fuck have you been!? You knew my parents were coming for tea you prick!"
The man gets to his feet, turns around to the snails on the path and waves them onwards saying " Come on lads, not far now!".

[bananadong]

My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out. I told her "Give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back". Before I could check my account, my friend's mum phones and says "Don't give her any money because she's lying". Mum proceeds to tell me that she wants to use that $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for her birthday!!
So, I thought about it for a minute and decided to go ahead and give her the $500 because we all need help at times.
So I phoned her back and said "Yea, I can help you" and met her and gave her an envelope of cash.
A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, I say "Hello?" and she starts screaming and asking "Why did you give me counterfeit money?!"
I replied "So you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!"

[bananadong]

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place". "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So, they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So, this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you".

[bananadong]

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a stunningly beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $10,000 ring. The old man said "No, I'd like to see something more special".
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $50,000" he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said "We'll take it".
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon" he said.
On Monday morning the jeweller phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account". "I know" said the old man "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

[bananadong]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell *kerplop* right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh, please excuse me" said the bunny "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see".
"That's perfectly all right" replied the snake "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know" said the bunny. "I'm blind and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out".
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitch little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit".
The bunny said "I can't thank you enough. But, by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know either.
So the bunny agreed to examine him and when the bunny was finished the snake asked "Well, what kind of animal am I?" The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't any balls. You must be a politician!"

[bananadong]

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question on an exam.
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!"
This student received the only "A".

[bananadong]

A blonde is done with all the blonde jokes. So, she makes a plan. She sells her house, dyes her hair and packs her stuff in her small car. She heads in a random direction to find a place to start her new life as a brunette.
After some time driving, she finds herself in a hilly landscape. She is in unknown territory and decides it's time for her first smart act.
She sees some sheep and a herder in a field yonder and decides to crawl up a small hill and count the sheep. Being very careful not to be seen. After counting 3 times she heads down the hill and approaches the herder.
"Herder" she says. "If I guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?".
The herder is a bit taken aback. He is not used to being approached in the middle of nowhere by a lovely lady. "Yes, if you guess how many sheep are in my flock. You can have one".
The girl says "261". The herder is shocked! "Wow, that is correct! Pick any one you like".
The girl picks one up and walks back to her car. Very pleased with herself. But just as she is about to close the trunk, the herder asks... "If I guess you real hair colour... can I have my dog back?"

[bananadong]

A Catholic priest was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large shopping mall's parking lot. "Lord" he prayed "I can't stand this. If you open space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whisky, and I'll even promise to leave the choirboys alone". Suddenly, the clouds parted, and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the priest said "Never mind, I found one".

[bananadong]

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" Me: "Hmm... okay... follow me". We walked up the hallway into the bedroom where his mother was asleep. I slowly pulled back the blanket and pointed "See that? That's a pussy..." Son: "Can I touch it?" Me: "NO!! Certainly not! If you touch it then the cunt'll wake up!"

[bananadong]

A young Irish girl goes to confession and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies "Go ahead, my child".
"Well" she says "Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein' the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin'. But I know that makin' love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I've come seekin' absolution.
The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says "Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O'Malley's market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away".
The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks " Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?"
"NO, but it'll wipe the smile off yer face!"

[bananadong]

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said "I would like to withdraw $500".

The female teller told her "For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM". The old lady then asked "Why?" The teller irritably told her "These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you".

She then returned the card to the old lady.

The old lady remained silent... but then she returned the card to the teller and said "Please help me withdraw all the money I have".

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.

She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady "My apologies mam, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?"

The old lady then asked "How much am I able to withdraw now?" The teller told her "Any amount up to $300,000".

The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.

The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.

The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.

Don't be difficult with Seniors... they will outwit you.

[bananadong]

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the place was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said "Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said "Yes, I remember that jewellery store". He said "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it".

[bananadong]

A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband "Does this dress make my ass look fat?" The husband sighed, and asked his wife "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?" His wife said "I promise, I'll never bring it up again". The husband looked her over and said "I fucked your sister".

[bananadong]

With a construction period of more than 20 years, the participation of thousands of scientists and a cost of ten billion US dollars, the James Webb Space Telescope is already a project of superlatives. Now the unmanned probe, whose destination is 1.5 million kilometers from Earth, has taken its first pictures, which are available exclusively to the Postillon.

As expected, the photos are dark. After all, they were taken in space. Surprisingly from the point of view of astronomers, however, should be that in the peripheral regions of space, on which the telescope was directed, letters are to be seen, which seem to form even correct words.

"We expected a few things like this, but not this," admits NASA spokesman Neil Davis. "We've never seen star formations this bizarre, because that's all this can be. Space is full of wonders! We'll be studying this very closely in the coming weeks."

Also puzzling scientists at the moment is the fact that all the images seem to show the same motif. "No matter which direction the telescope photographs, we always see this mysterious constellation," Davis said. Einstein's theory of relativity probably now needs to be rethought, he said.

Two more images from the space telescope:

[bananadong]

A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband "Does this dress make my ass look fat?" The husband sighed, and asked his wife "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?" His wife said "I promise, I'll never bring it up again". The husband looked her over and said "I fucked your sister".

[bananadong]

A young lady and her new boyfriend were in a club having fun. She didn't know her ex-boyfriend was in the same club watching them. After few minutes, she stood up and told her guy she needed to use the toilet. When the ex saw her walking to the toilet, he hurriedly walked to his ex-girl's boyfriend and he asked him "How do you feel enjoying a second-hand material?" The new boyfriend smiled and said "I don't feel anything because when you just pass the first 3 inches, the rest is still new".

[bananadong]

So, I'm standing next to this woman on the elevator. I asked her "Can I smell your pussy?" She replies "NO!" I say "Must be your feet"..

[bananadong]

A scruffy old hobo walks into town on market day.
In the town square, he sees a crowd where a man has set up a booth with an old flea-bitten donkey standing next to it along with a sign saying: Make The Donkey LAUGH And Win $50! Only 10 Cents A Turn!
The hobo watches several people try making him laugh, mostly by jumping up and making faces but the donkey doesn't so much as twitch.
The hobo walks up to the man, holds out a 10-cent coin and says "Do ya mind if I have a go?"
With so many people having failed the man is happy to pocket the hobo's money and says "No one has managed to make the donkey laugh in over ten years, so you're welcome to try".
The hobo walks over to the donkey, who is disinterestedly munching on some hay, he takes hold of his ear and whispers something into it. Suddenly the donkey's eyes light up and he begins to bray with laughter, he falls to his knees then rolls over onto his back kicking his hooves in the air.
He laughs and laughs so much the crowd joins in.
The man is amazed and hands the hobo his winnings but before he can ask him how he did it the hobo has disappeared.
The following market day the man is back but with a new sign: Make The Donkey CRY And Win $50. Only 10 Cents A Try".
All day people come forward and part with their dimes and try all sorts of tricks to make the donkey cry but no one comes even close.
Then the hobo arrives.
"Do ya mind if I have a go?" he asks.
The man has had a good day with so many people trying that he forgets that it was the hobo who won the $50 last time and agrees to let him try.
The hobo walks over to the donkey and once again he whispers something into his ear but this time, he opens his coat and points. Suddenly the donkey's face clouds over, he begins to sob uncontrollably, he falls to his knees in an agony of despair and looks fit to die of grief.
The man is dumbfounded. He rushes to the donkey in an attempt to comfort him. He reaches into his pocket for the $50 and says to the hobo "What did you do to him? I have to know! How did you beat me twice?" "Well" says the hobo "I won the first $50 by telling him my dick was longer and thicker than his. The second I won by showing him".

[bananadong]

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee". Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, pointing he replies "Okay. Why don't you go behind that hedge".
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror "My God Mary... have you changed your sex?" "No" she replies. "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead".