Jokes

[bananadong]

I can tell just by the shoes a woman wears if I'm going to have sex with her or not. If she's wearing 3" heels or higher, I'm definitely going to be screwing her. If she's wearing nice comfy running shoes, I'm probably not going to be able to get close enough to use the taser.

[bananadong]

A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day. "What for!" he snapped at the judge. His Honour, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented "That's all right. You don't have to pay now". The young man replied "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words".

[bananadong]

A boy asks the Church Priest "What are you doing, Father?" "It's called masturbating. You'll be doing this soon" replies the priest. "Why Father?" "Because my wrist is killing me".

[bananadong]

One day Little Susie got her 'monthly' for the very first time. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

[bananadong]

A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price".

[bananadong]

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You don't want to try these techniques at home". "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years" the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes" replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in eleven".

[bananadong]

A man finds his dog with a dead rabbit in its mouth. He realises that the rabbit is a pet of his next-door neighbour. In a panic he cleans the rabbit up and sneaks it into its cage, hoping his neighbour will think their pet died of natural causes. Next day he spots his neighbour digging a hole in the flower beds and goes over to investigate. "What are you doing?" asks the man.
"Burying my rabbit again" replies the neighbour. "There sure are some sick people around here. The rabbit dropped dead on Monday, I buried it on Tuesday, and on Wednesday some bastard dug it up, gave it a wash and stuck it back in its cage".

[bananadong]

The blonde and the brunette are in New York preparing to leave for a two-week cruise. The Blonde's boyfriend has just given her a new Rolls. Nevertheless, she is fuming because Honeybear didn't give her any extra money to store the vehicle during the trip. The brunette smiles and says she will handle it. So, the brunette leaves the hotel with the blonde in tow. Together they walk across the street into a bank. The brunette asks for the loan officer. She says she and her friend are going to Europe on business for two weeks and they need to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the brunette tells the blonde to hand over the keys to her new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the stupid blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the brunette and the blonde return, repay the $5,000 plus the interest, which comes to $15.41. There is something bothering the loan officer. He says to the beautiful blonde "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that this car was purchased by a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies "You have to ask my friend. I have no idea what is going on". The brunette replies... "Where else in New York City can we park this car for two weeks for only $15.41 and fully expect it to safely be here when we return? You have provided an excellent service for which we are grateful".

[bananadong]

One day a father gets off of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers " Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson answers:

"Sir, 'Divorced Barbie' is a complete set. She comes with:

Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Dog, Ken's Children, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... as a special feature, Ken's Best Friend".

[bananadong]

A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. The startled doctor jumped back in surprise then shook his head and exclaimed "For fucks sake, you really have to learn to trust me".

[bananadong]

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said "You must be in the 5th grade".
"No, ma'am" he replied "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help".

[bananadong]

A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car. "What's up?" says the driver. "Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back" says the policeman. "Thank goodness for that" says the driver. "I thought I'd gone deaf".

[bananadong]

A guy is walking through downtown and passes a porn shop that his buddy owns. He decides to go in and say hi.

He walks in and his buddy Jim is behind the counter. When Jim sees his old friend, he says "any chance you could look after the shop for a bit, I haven't had lunch yet". "No problem, go grab some food" the guy says.

About 10 minutes go by and a white lady walks into the shop. "How much for that white dildo?" She says. "Uh, the white one... $10". She says okay and he wraps it up, she pays for it, and she leaves.

A little while later a black woman comes in the store. "How much for that black dildo?" she asks. "Uh, the black one... $20". She says okay and he wraps it up, she pays for it, and she leaves.

About 20 min later a woman walks in and asks "how much for that plaid dildo?" "The plaid one? Uh $50". She says okay and he wraps it up, she pays for it, and she leaves.

10 minutes later Jim comes back in and asks how business was while he was out. "Not bad; I sold a white dildo to a white lady for $10, a black dildo to a black lady for $20, and your thermos to a russian lady for $50!"

[bananadong]

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim".
"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..."
"I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be okay," the Priest replied, lifted his robe, and almost immediately he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert this in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true Father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the fuck out of here!"

[bananadong]

I was at this wedding, and I said to the bloke next to me "Fucking hell, that bride is ugly". "Do you mind? That's my daughter!" came the reply. I said "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were her father".
"I'm not, I'm her mother".

[bananadong]

Two unemployed guys are talking.
One says "I'm going to become a lion tamer". The other replies "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming".
"Yes, I do!"
"Well, okay, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down".
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down".
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him".
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage".
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that".

[bananadong]

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence.
"Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so" replied the farmer.
The puddle immediately swallowed the car as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.
As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"
"Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

[maks]

are you Kent Jr?

[bananadong]

are you Kent Jr?

who wants to know?

[bananadong]

A young couple was touring southern Florida on their honeymoon and stopped at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road.
After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Wow!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Do you ever get bitten?" "Yes, upon rare occasions" answered the handler.
"Well" she continued "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?" "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound".
"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman. "Ma'am" answered the snake handler "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are".

[bananadong]

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house.
Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.
Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you" Mrs. Watkins replied "The Lord will provide".
The men shrugged and rowed on.
By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself" she told him "The Lord will provide".
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney.
When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting "The Lord will provide".
So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God.
"What happened?" she cried. "For cryin' out loud, lady" God said "I sent three boats!"

[bananadong]

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers.
Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying *THUMP* and then swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road" replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud *THUD*.
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay" replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

[bananadong]

As part of their ministry, the church decided to run a daily soup kitchen. Not surprisingly, the free food was very popular with the homeless people in the area. However, this gift did come with a small catch - first you had to listen to a sermon.
Every day the rows of pews would be filled with derelicts, bums, and plenty of people down on their luck. One afternoon, the minister decided it was time again to lecture on the evils of alcohol.
In order to get their attention, the minister began the service by putting up two glasses. One he filled with water. The other he filled with gin.
Then he pulled out a worm and dropped it in the water. The worm swam happily around in the glass of water until the minister pulled it back out. As the worm wriggled in his fingers, the minister proclaimed with certainty that the worm loved the water and that the water was safe for the worm.
Then the minister dropped the worm in the gin. Almost instantly the worm died and its ravaged body began to disappear in the toxic element.
The minister let out a satisfied cry of delight "Do you see what evils this alcohol has done!? What does this experiment prove?"
An old drunk in the back of the room spoke up "Reverend, it proves if you drink alcohol, you'll never get worms! Can we eat now?"

[bananadong]

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbour pays him a visit and says "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean 'strange'?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbours buys a gun".
--
A father had promised his two young sons he would take them on a fishing trip. The boys were digging for fishing bait in their parents' garden. Uncovering a many legged creature, one of the boys proudly dangled it before his Father. "No, son, he won't do for bait" his Father said. "He's not an earthworm". "He's not?" the boy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

[bananadong]

Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Miss Hottwot". Miss Hottwot said "Well, give me the good news first, Doc". Doctor, speaking rather sombrely, said "Your lab tests came back today, and your crabs are all gone". Miss Hottwot smiled, and said "Gee, that's great! But what's the bad news?" Doctor: "We don't know what killed them".

[bananadong]

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently" she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a mument, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered "Is that one word or two?"

[bananadong]

Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks "Mummy, can little girls have babies?" "No" says his mum "of course not". Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

[bananadong]

Two cowboys talking about sex. One cowboy says "I like the rodeo position!" "I haven't heard of that" says the other cowboy "what is it?" "Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds!"

[bananadong]

A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mum about that hair. Her mum calmly said "That part where the hair has grown is called monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair". The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister "My monkey has grown hair". Her sister smiled and said: "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas".

[bananadong]

A concerned mother warns her little boy "Don't look at naked women or you'll turn to stone". Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women. But one day Johnny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked. Johnny remembered what his mother said, and turned and ran away from the woman. His friend finally catches up to him and asks why he ran? Johnny told his friend what his mother said, and then added "and it must be true, because when I saw that woman I felt myself going rock hard in my trousers".