Jokes

[bananadong]

A little boy in Wuhan finds a bottle. He rubs it and a genie pops out. "I will give you two wishes as a reward for freeing me" says the genie. The boy thinks for a second and, as he's very patriotic, decided on his first wish. "I wish everyone in the world knew about Wuhan!" he declares. "Very well" says the genie. "And your second wish?" The boy thinks again and decides he would like something a little more selfish. "I wish that the Lunar New Year holiday would go on forever and I don't have to go back to school!"

[bananadong]

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver "I have a dead pussy". The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common".

[bananadong]

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry" the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog". "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him". But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died" the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog". "Well" the boy replied "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him". "Oh, what was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle".

[bananadong]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy". Johnny, looking worried, said "Dad, I think the postman wants to buy mum".

[bananadong]

Yesterday I purchased a world map. I gave my wife a dart and said to her "Throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday". Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

[bananadong]

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat.
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world" he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

[bananadong]

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks "What?" "Sex!!" he replies. Mildred exclaims "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was okay.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled "You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied "Parkinson's".

[bananadong]

The grandfather told his grandchild that, due to his wife passing, he had started cooking. The grandchild didn't expect his grandfather to ever begin cooking, so they headed towards the dining room to see what he made for dinner.
When they sat down, the grandchild noticed that the food looked delicious, and tasted delicious too.
But one think bothered him. He noticed that the plates were a little grimy and the silverware looked dirty. So, he asked his grandfather "Do you wash your dishes well?". The grandfather simply replied "They're as clean as cold water will get them".
The next week he made another trip to his grandfather's house.
Again, the grandfather cooks a beautiful dinner that tastes delicious. But, the grime on the plates and silverware still bothers the grandchild. He said "Grandfather, I don't think these dishes are clean. Are you sure you wash them well?" The grandfather replied "They're as clean as cold water will get them!"
The next week they meet again at the grandfather house. This time, upon noticing the dirty dishes, the grandchild says "Grandfather, I'm going to help you wash the dishes after dinner". The grandfather only says "Okay, but they're as clean as cold water will get them".
After dinner they carried the dishes into the kitchen. The grandfather began to set the dishes on the floor. The grandchild, confused, decided to see what he was up to.
After the dishes were arranged on the floor, the grandfather says "Come here, cold water" as his dog runs in.

[bananadong]

Two labourers were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole, and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working all day furiously without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick".

[bananadong]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper "Please wake me at 5:00 AM". He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up".

[bananadong]

A blonde girl is crossing some ice when she gets hungry, so starts hacking a hole in it in the hope of catching a fish. A deep, majestic voice booms out "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She thinks this is strange, but continues to hack away, and the same voice booms out again, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Now she starts to get concerned. "Is that you, God?" she asks, trembling. "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER. STOP HACKING AT MY ICE!"

[bananadong]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures. Over a double latte, the Greek mentions "You may recall that we built the Pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo". "Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices". "But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics". "Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces". Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!" "True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved".

[bananadong]

Two blondes went out deer hunting and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pickup truck. An experienced hunter saw them and said "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier". So, the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers. After about 20 minutes, one said to the other "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground". "Yeah, he was" said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting far away from our car!"

[bananadong]

This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight. At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realised she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.

[bananadong]

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbour, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig". The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig". Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig".
"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk away scot-free. However, you can no longer call Ms. Johnson a 'pig.' Understood?"
"Well... that doesn't seem fai- "
"-we can let this go to trial, you can spend thousands on lawyers, but if Ms. Johnson's attorneys can prove calling her a 'pig' leads to emotional damage, you'll end up owing a lot".
Dave paused. "OK, fine. Can I call a pig 'Ms. Johnson'?"
The judge looked over his notes. "Yes... you may call a pig 'Ms. Johnson' without fear of legal recourse".
Dave turned to Peggy and said "Good afternoon, Ms. Johnson".

[bananadong]

A 15-year-old boy comes home with a Porsche. His parents began to yell and scream. "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them "I bought it today".
"With what money?" Demanded his parents. "We know how much a Porsche costs!"
"Well" said the boy "this one cost me fifteen dollars".
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?" they demaded.
"It was the lady up the street" said the boy "don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars".
"Oh my goodness!" Gasped the mother "she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on".
So, the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.
"Well" she said "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did".

[bananadong]

Before their marriage, the groom told his wife that he will marry her on the condition that he will have one drawer in the home which only he may open. She may never open up the drawer. She was very interested to know what he might be hiding in the drawer, but she agreed.
Ten years past, and she hadn't yet opened the drawer. One day, when her husband was traveling overseas, she couldn't control her curiosity anymore. Even though she waited ten years, she had to know what was in the drawer. She opened it and found three eggs, with a wallet filled with thousands of dollars.
She telephoned her husband immediately and said "I'm sorry, I feel so terrible, but I couldn't control myself anymore. I opened the drawer. But please tell me what are the eggs for?'"
Her husband replied "Before we got married I vowed that every time I lied to you, I would place one egg into the drawer".
"Wow" she replied. "After all these years you only told me three lies! I'm impressed. So what's all that money about?"
Her husband replied "When the drawer gets full, I sell the eggs".

[bananadong]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy".
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears". "How much do you charge"? "Eighty dollars per visit" replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it" I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having"? he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480. A barman cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new car".
"Oh, is that so"? he said with a bit of an attitude. "And how, may I ask, did a barman cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Aint nobody under there now!"

[bananadong]

A French couple are watching television one night, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees. So, the father goes to his son's room and says "Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?" "Oh yes papa, I remember very well" says the son. "Well son, your mother thinks it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing".

[bananadong]

Recently, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her".
The man looked shocked and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well" says the CIA man "you're definitely not the right man for this job then".
So, they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her".
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. He came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job". "No" the CIA man replied "you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home".
Now they were down to the woman left to test. Again, they led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him".
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another after another for thirteen shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

[bananadong]

An anti-vaxxer died, and to her surprise found herself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told her he would be happy to answer any questions the woman might have; about anything across the entirety of Space and Time. So of course, the woman said "Was I right? Are vaccines a huge conspiracy after all?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not". The woman shook her head in disbelief, shaken to her very core, before murmuring "... this goes even higher than I thought!"

[bananadong]

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you".
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".
The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.

[bananadong]

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie". "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you " she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare".
The Customs officers thought this answer strange, so asked "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused". "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

[bananadong]

A husband and wife were having problems and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalise their breakup. The judge asked the husband "What had brought you to this point where you are unable to keep this marriage together?" The husband replied "In the six weeks we have been together, we have not been able to agree on a single thing". "Seven weeks!" the wife said.

[bananadong]

The corona virus is the best thing that happened in my life. My wife does not want to travel anymore. She no longer buys anything, because everything comes from China. She no longer goes to the mall to avoid the crowd. She spends all her time in a mask with her mouth closed. This is not a virus. This is a blessing.

[bananadong]

A man comes home from work, depressed and tired, waiting whole day to see his wife and kids to cheer up a little bit. He enters the apartment, nobody is there, he goes into his bedroom and his wife is naked on top of another man, going hard at it making a lot of noise.
Fucked up from what he saw, he loses all hope, decides to go to the balcony to end his miserable life. He steps out on the balcony ready to jump, and his daughter is there having sex with a huge muscular black man, going hard at it. He can't believe what's in front of him.
He goes to the bathroom to cut his veins, he can't take any more of this. He opens the bathroom door, and another shock for him, his son is there giving a blowjob to and older gentleman, moaning and enjoying it.
He decides to go out, take a walk and think about everything he saw, still shocked from everything. He's walking through the city, smoking one cigarette after another, thinking what went wrong and what the fuck is happening.
After hours of walking he sees the bridge, and with it sees another opportunity to end it all, there is no point to any of this. Just as he's about to jump, someone pulls at his jacket - it's a red-haired dwarf.
He tells him "Man what are you doing? Whatever happened it's not worth it, you get one life, you can't just throw it away like that".
The man is not convinced, he starts climbing the fence, and the dwarf pulls him once again. He tells him "Hey man, listen to me now, I don't say this to a lot of people, but ever since childhood, I had these powers, see I'm a magical dwarf. I have ability to change things and make everything right for another human being, but it comes at great cost for me, I have to live in great pain for a long period of time so I don't do it often. But I haven't done it in a while, and I'm ready to do again".
The man, intrigued, decides to entertain his idea. After all, what's there to lose anyway.
The dwarf tells him "All you gotta do, is give me a blowjob, I haven't gotten one in forever, I'm really lonely, but you do that for me, I save your life, I'll make everything right for you again". The man thinks to himself, what is one blowjob, if it doesn't work out I'm going to kill myself anyway, there is nothing to lose.
The dwarf pulls his pants down, and the man starts going at it. He's doing everything dwarf tells him to, and after a couple of minutes, he finishes him.
The dwarf tells him "Okay, let's do this, how old are you? That's important". The man tells him he's 47-years-old. The dwarf looks at him "Damn, 47 and you still believe in magical dwarfs huh?"

[bananadong]

Dear Billy Jo,
I'm writin' this real slow cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Well, I hope this catches you up on things that's going on around here!!
Your cuz, Bubba.
PS. I would have enclosed $20 but I had already sealed the envelope.

[bananadong]

Grandad's sitting out on his chair watching as little Johnny grabs a worm and pulls it from its hole in the lawn.
"Well done, Johnny" he says "but I'll give you $5 if you can put it back in the hole". He watches the boy try to poke the worm back in numerous times, and soon falls asleep.
Sometime later, he's woken by Johnny shaking him saying "Look Grandad!". The worm is no longer soft and bendy, but hard and rigid, and the boy easily pushes it back into the ground.
"I say!" says Grandad "How did you do that?" "I sprayed it with Granny's hairspray". "What a good idea. I suppose I'd better get you $5".
Johnny waits as Grandad goes into the house, but he doesn't come back for an hour. When he does, he says "Here's your $5 Johnny. And here's $50 from your Granny as well".

[bananadong]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "About two hours".
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says "About three hours".
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "About an hour and half".
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey. Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he haste wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back".
A lithe while later. Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks "Bill, where did he go when he let here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says "Your house!"

[bananadong]

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. "Wow, this bed is big!" "Everything is bigger in Texas" says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. "Wow these drinks are big!" The bartender replies "Everything is big in Texas". After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. "Second door to the right" says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts "Don't flush, don't flush!"