mandatory forum collage to trick you into thinking this is a good thread and giving me replies
rubycalaber as Ned Stark the only truly fit leader for the community since he doesn't actually want to be in charge or even be there at all, Desolation as Catelyn Stark his faithful lover, Lonnie as Robb Stark his loyal supporter, my new dog Dead Forum Dalmation II as Ghost the family pet, iwascruel as Brienne of Tarth the obvious bulldyke, gabi as Arya Stark the youngest girl of House Calaber, Dirty Harry as Hodor the brain damaged retard, Marco as Bran Stark the autist who is somehow lurking anonymously everywhere at once, Bob Hughes as Jojen Reed the dude who's always tripping balls, Aber as Meera Reed the young woman who had to illegally cross a border wall, roflbrothel as Osha the edgy but definately very classy bird, m0nde as George R.R. Martin the fattest and oldest fucker here, Wendy as Jaqen H'ghar the shitposter of many faces, Link as Bravos the brown casanova who charms all the white girls, General Doli as The Hound the veteran who's mastered the art of owning but is now tired of that life, fanare as Sansa Stark cute redhead teen girl who's actually one of the best power players, Teknorat as Ramsay Snow the edgy boi who loves trolling and abusing members of the various communities, Obnoxious Bitch as Theon Greyjoy for obvious reasons, Big Gay Dolphin as Roose Bolton the dude who'll stalk your whole family, skrizach as Locke the rugged outdoorsman, Ewok as Stannis Baratheon the man who destroys his mental health for his waifu, roxtoyz as Davos Seaworth his second-in-command, Terror Baby as Shireen Baratheon the girl who gets honor killed by her parents for Allah, Barrypothead as Renly Baratheon the closeted gay man, Bev as Melisandre the hundred year old woman, Jon as Jon Snow idk his name is Jon, Cag as Ygritte the white trash town bike and his love interest who will no doubt betray him by a bad reason, Camoron as Tormund her other beta orbiter, Cody as Mance Rayder king of the white trash hoards who rallys them to invade other communities, Steven Yelle as Samwell Tarly the overweight man on a quest to lost his virginity, Flaglerchat as Littlefinger the sociopath who smuggly finds out everyones personal information and what really determines the fate of the communities is the behind the scenes machinations of his rivalry with, Jack Venhooker as Varys the only man with the espionage abilities to be his arch enemy who's implied to be a pedophile, Lisa Repborn of House Bushpig, the First in the Inflatable Bathtub, Queen of the Orbiters and the Beta Men, Protector of the Seven Lizard Forums, the Mother of Cats, the Khaleesi of the Great Weed Lmao, the Unfunny, the Breaker of Herpenteriums as Daenerys Targaryen the mentally troubled woman who keeps forcing every community she joins to revolve around her, rootbeer as Khal Drogo her rapey lover obssessed with his masculinity, Donny as Barristan Selmy her first beta orbiter to die, Peter O'Quinn as Daario Naharis her bad boy criminal lover, garfield as Jorah Mormont her terminally ill beta orbiter, cberry as Grey Worm the token black guy military man, ramen as Missandei the multi-lingal shill for a proto-facist politician #DumpDrumpf, Dustin as Bronn the dude who doesn't fight fair I know you used an aimbot when we dueled in CS:GO motherfucker, marks as The Mountain the most feared noob slayer in the land, StompleB as Oberyn Martell his sworn nemisis, Lily as Ellaria Sand the scheming woman who keeps trying to overthrow different communities, internutt as Tyene Sand the obnoxious half-asian thot, Elezzzark as Tyrion Lannister the disabled manlet who gets abused by, Gush as Cersei Lannister the evil seductress who will betray you by a bad reason, Reno as Jaime Lannister the handsom fuckboy in a forbidden love triangle with her, Clay as Robert Baratheon the obese lazy administrator of the realm also in the love triangle, Shakes as Gendry Baratheon his bastard son, Drunk Puppies as Tywin Lannister the tactical mastermind who has owning down to a fine art, Plug Drugs as Joffrey Baratheon the Incel King, Juliet as Margaery Tyrell the smirking female pedophile, the Troll-1000 as The Night King leading a hoard of inhuman monsters to invade every other community until they are infested only by them, Rage Rex as Drogon the short tempered giant red reptile, Eagle Bird as Robb's direwolf as literally a fursuit, Dandada as a nigger lynched from the Timnet tree, cameos from White Bear, Reply Sloth, Unfunny Bunny and Heidi the Chicken, some gay nigger dicks as The Iron Throne since that's what I like to sit on, Rubynet as Winterfell the last true heir of the YTMND and YTMNSFW throne, The Herpatarium as The Wall the only thing keeping the hoards of white trash retards from swarming our community, all the lizard forums as the dirty brown savage Meereenese people, FJS as the hive of scum and villany that is King's Landing, ALOL as Stannis' fleet which is a very deep ruby lore reference to a gif from LOST season 4 where the ALOL freighter is destroyed by a troll bomb and TPIL is there too since I just remembered that place existed at the last second
alright since this show's final season is coming out soon (editors note: read: four months ago) my e-gf desolation got me to watch all this so we could be up to date for the inevitable cultural shitposting shitshow so I thought I'd write a thread about it hopefully I can just keep it to brief summaries and brief thoughts and not be analysing every sentence or the autism will kill me (editors note: of course this didn't happen) but you know me I'm thinking this thread will be an interesting counter-piece to my neon demon review thread where I was dissecting a deep work of art critiquing gender roles that braindead normies think is edgy shock schlock torture porn and now I'm hopefully glazing over what seems like actual edgy shock schlock torture porn re-enforcing gender roles that braindead normies think is a deep work of art when in reality they just want to get turned on watching some rape scenes lmao now I already know more than I'd like to about this saga since I think I watched the first episode when it first came out and book reading dorks were going mental about it all I remember is it ends in a guy stealing my gimmick and fucking his sister and then shoving a wee boy out a window who catches them and I downloaded the season 5 and 6 finales to watch just to shitpost about them on /tv/ where this show is l i t e r a l l y the only actual tv show or movie they discuss at this stage and I also downloaded an episode in season 3 that I looked up on a wikia that was about Simon from Misfits sadistically torturing some guy literally because I find torture a sexually erotic topic and wanted to watch it for basically DLC for my sexual fantasies where I'd imagine Simon was a girl and I was the victim since unfortunately I am not gay and cant just jack off directly to it you might be thinking but ruby isn't it a bit hypocritical to say that and then make a huge thread talking shit about people watching the same edgy drivel for sexual thrills? well you see 1) normal people should probably aspire TO BE NOTHING LIKE ME and 2) AT LEAST I ADMIT IT, AT LEAST I ADMIT IIIIIIT!!!!!! (slipknot reference) speaking of normal people GoT is like fucking crack to normies, especially, dare I say it, REDDITORS and similar assorted cringy hipster faggots
which I think is a symptom of nerd culture becoming more mainstream (although not really nerd culture, the term nerd has always had positive aspects to me in the practical sense at least, e.g. you may be ostracised from your peers but because you are a lot more intelligent than them and were more interested in unexciting cerebral activities like studying more for school or self-teaching programming or something dull but useful rather than vapid entertainments like sports or, ironically, tv shows and movies, the current culture is more like manchild (or womanchild) culture, literally just enjoying things for little kids as adults, which is probably why so many "nerds" get triggered by normies enjoying "nerdy" media and genres, because it let's slip that there's nothing really intellectual about these at all, they are literally just for immature people, and now the average person is as emotionally stunted, socially isolated and as insecure as the introverted outcasts of the past, because in [the current year] that is what everyone is not just a tiny minority of weirdo geeks from how fucked in the head clapistans rekt economy and probably high divorce rate and easy access to social media has made an entire generation) but specifically I think it has the same appeal of The Walking Dead, which normies also hoover down like their daily burgers (even though it's extraordinarily glacially paced, obnoxiously written, terribly acted and near-parody level bad production values) fuck you stomple
in that these are stories that remove modern civilisation by being set after or before them (possibly also why LOST seemed to appeal greatly to normies during the first half of the show where it was primarily a survival drama and not so much the second half which was more a fantasy thriller featuring sections back in civilisation) to provide a "back to basics" escapist fantasy where the normie can entertain the notion that life would be simpler and more fulfilling without the trappings of modern society (probably literally because of what anti-industrial revolution anarcho-primitivist actual MKULTRA victim mad bomber Ted Kaczynski said in his manifesto that the rewards of life are too far removed from their production for human beings to feel satisfied that they had input into it (and the only sane solution is to BLOW IT ALL UP (batman beyond reference (not serious life advice I am not liable for any violent insurrections that result from reading this thread)))) (or was that Karl Marx? I don't know he didn't blow anyone up so fuck him pussy ass fat faggot) and I think these post/pre civilization stories might have extra appeal to a certain type of normie who is dissatisfied with modern changing gender roles but is afraid to admit this which is why it seems to appeal to tumblr feminists and numale types who'd cry if they saw a gun irl yet adore this edgy TV show where a woman gets raped every few episodes and people are constantly hacking each other up with axes since these stories usually feature men being allowed to be hyper violent (because its ok to kill zombies or that's just what you gotta do in that kind of world) and women are often in submissive roles to said violent men (until the cognitive dissonance gets too bad and the show gets co-opted by its uneasy fanbase and starts pushing even more obviously out of place girl power scenes which seems to be a common pattern with this type of thing that start out edgy and then end up woke) which a lot of men and women find gratifying usually because they're children of single mothers so the men don't know what a real man acts like other than from action movies and the women don't know what a real man acts like other than fears about rape in the culture they sexualize these "back to basics" ideas don't appeal that much to me due to not being A FUCKING IDIOT WHO WANTS TO SEE HALF MY FAMILY DIE BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ANTIBIOTICS AND BREAK MY FUCKING BACK TOILING AWAY IN A FIELD ALL DAY BECAUSE IF I DON'T MY ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY WILL STARVE TO DEATH AND THEN THEY ALL DO ANYWAY BECAUSE THEY GOT MEASLES AND WE DON'T HAVE VACCINES (apologise for triggering american's with that last word) and if I ever caught myself longing for that sort of thing of oh things used to be so much better before modern society oh if only my life was simpler I might stop and think, well, first of all I can just go live in fucking Haiti or India or some shithole and see how fun it is having no civilization, but secondly maybe the problem with my life isn't ALL OF CIVILIZATION but just ME and then take efforts to change my life so I was more satisfied (which is a notion often criticised as taking the onus off the system for problems in a citizens life and placing it on that individual, obviously also try to improve society, but most likely you have no real fucking problems and you have the easiest life of any human to ever live if you live in the first world in [the current year] and should try smashing yourself in the teeth with a hammer to enjoy what the typical life experience was for most of human existence to find some gratitude or just you know improve your relationships and lifestyle and you'll probably be more satisfied with modern life either or up to you) but since both normies and mind control experiment victim domestic terrorists can't manage this and instead get mad at modern life you get things like this show now I try not to be one of these insecure retards who hates on something just because the fanbase is shit I mean I love the Fast and Furious movies and that fan base seems to be made up entirely of let's just say the kind of people who are worried about their future residency now Trump is president so I am genuinely going to give this a chance maybe I'll end up loving it but from what I've been exposed to so far it honestly seems like just another high fantasy franchise that are all derivative from Lord of the Rings (George R. R. Martin even stole Tolkien's initials) which in and of itself was Tolkien being derivative of his real world interest in history which is why those books are really fucking boring in the first place since I'm not really that interested in medieval history in the first place (when the movies for LOTR was coming out my one friend in real life loved them and I tried to read the books for him but couldn't get past the bit where they get to the entrance to the mines and a squid monster attacks them outside since it was all a bunch of autistic bullshit about referencing how the father of someones father of someones brother of someones grandfather of someones aunt of someones dog walker once smote a dragon ontop a mountain so that's why they call their left testicle Tism The Dragon Tickler and if I wanted to read a fictional genealogy lesson written as obtusely as possible I'd read the bible (although in the last year or so I've gotten into Dungeons & Dragons and by that I mean watching other people playing it online so I don't have to put in any effort, socialise or learn the rules so maybe I can enjoy this by just pretending it's a DnD game) its just that normies don't read fucking books at all EVER so when they make a big budget tv show about it this is the first time they're being exposed to those ideas which would be fine if it was actually good and not what seems to be a fat old sexually repressed AMERICAN mans fetishes, now I notice A LOT in American """"""""""""literature"""""""""""" that writing books seems to be a vector for the author to safely release their sexual fantasies, e.g. every crime mystery has to have explicit descriptions of women being abused and their naked dead bodies under the guise of being "gritty detective thrillers", Stephen King books have uh interesting sequences of basically child erotica, Twilight is one big probably unconscious metaphor for how a repressed mormon woman felt teenage sexuality scary and threatening and how it's a bad inherently violent thing men have to hold back on giving into for his girlfriends sake until she's ready to give up her life for him and 50 Shades of Grey is taking that horrible sexual dysfunction and literally writing a S&M fanfiction about it and publishing it under its own title and with new character names to avoid copyright infringement and amerishits fucking love it but dear fuck does this seem to take the cake in this field and that's probably also a main reason it's so popular with normies they can literally watch rape erotica but it's socially acceptable because it's just on that popular geeky fantasy show so maybe that's why I'll also end up loving it but also not respecting it as art which I am pretty sure is an even worse form of pretension than just hating something entirely because its popular with idiots its like hating it because its popular with you and you've got the most horrible taste possible well let's watch and see what happens hopefully I get this done before the obese fuck who wrote these stupid books fucking dies from fat and people are more mad about how the book series will never end rather than how the tv show ended
think I'll use the format I did for reviewing seasons 1, 2 and 3 of LOST all the way back in 07, heh, stayed up for 3 days straight to get that done for christmas, damn I was a good poster back then, 12 years on and I'm reviewing this dumb shit, are there even smoke monsters in this? (editors note: there actually fucking is lmao)
Game of Thrones 1x01: "Winter Is Coming"
wincest special edition
First aired: April 17, 2011
alright so the first scene is a bunch of guys are in the woods and one of them finds a bunch of dead bodies cut up and laid out in some symbol, very nice and edgy, you know what I'm going to keep a counter going of edgy shit on-screen: EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 1
reminds me of the bit in the girl with the dragon tattoo where the killer kills the detectives cat and lays its severed limbs out like a swastika
then his comrade is an asshole for no reason to him I guess that's because this is a saga written by an american whos playing on old british cultural tropes that poor people ungentlemanly oh also everyone has a british accent for some reason again because its fucking americans who think everyone in every place and time before modern day america spoke with a british accent then they go looking for the edgy tableau that's from some Dexter shit but it's gone as if whoever made it can just teleport things around or something I'm sure that'll be an element the creators Daniel Brett Weiss and David Benioff, who I've seen referred to by fans as literally DnD which is a real goodone, forget, and some of these snow zombies pop up called white walkers (referred to as The Others in the books but they changed that in the show to not infringe on a certain far better tv show I bet) and kills a dude, I did this autistic shit for a certain other thread where I counted up everyone's kill counts but I'm sure someone else has already done that to death with this show and I can't be fucked learning every obscure characters name or deciding who gets kill credits when I'm sure there's big messy battle scenes where no-namers kill people and shit so whatever I'll just stick to edgy counts and stabbing some dude from out of nowhere is not that edgy
now not to start complaining right off the bat but I think White Walkers™ are a really bad fucking inclusion to this mythos since the whole meme here they're going for is that there are no good guys or bad guys just like in le real history its just a bunch of different factions with changing goals and alliances and such but when you put in AN ARMY OF OMNICIDAL ZOMBIES that kind of gives a clear cut bad guy in the story for all the other morally grey characters to be forced to team-up against which has never happened ever in human history and wont until everyone decides to team-up against the robot uprising I guess YANG GANG but really I've heard GRRM boast about how oh his story isnt just goodies v mindless orc monsters its flawed humans v flawed humans oh is that so no orc-like rampaging hoards here no sir-ee also introducing zombies, not even keeping it ambiguous that that's what they are since you see the little dead girl reanimated, right away is also a bit naff since it already lets you know you're in a world where cheating death by supernatural means is possible which also dampens the le grim n gritty so realistic and grounded approach to these fantasy tropes anyway then these two remaining guys get chased by the zombies and one looks away for a split second and looks back when suddenly A WHITE WALKER APPEARS BEHIND HIS MATE FROM OUT OF NOWHERE AND BEHEADS HIM, HEH, NOTHIN PERSONEL KID and he tosses him his head for EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 2
and then we get the opening title animation that looks like a boardgame or something very deep kinography you know what this reminds me of it reminds me of when my 1m8 irl was into LOTR I bought some like warhammer style tabletop battle game with the LOTR IP but it was just too fucking boring and convoluted to learn how to play it so I never bothered but it was all about painting figurines and placing them around some elaborately constructed miniature map like this looks like and then we get some on the nose character introductions where we see this really ugly girl that reminds me of how British people frequently have their eyes too far apart as if we're evolving to be a hearding prey species
is sitting there sewing when she can hear the male characters outside teaching a shota to use a bow as if she's a tomboy (typed that as tomgirl at first hi chris-chan) but constrained by gender roles and then we see Sean Bean, hmmmmm I wonder if he'll survive the season hmmmmmm, even I've killed him off myself in Hitman, and oh my I'm just typing this as I watch the episode and Anya or whatever just skipped straight to it and aimbotted the bullseye Bran or whatever the kids name is was failing to hit ok fuck subtly or build-up she's just got aimbot turned on in the first 11 minutes ok and then a fat dude literally with his neckbeard in pigtails reports they caught that one pussy guy from the opening and they're going to execute him for desertion and his justification for making a like 9 year old watch this is "winter is coming" - HE SAID THE MEME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am pretty sure this is a thing where they have like 7 year long winters or something at random which I'm not sure how a middle ages human civilization could function with that factor due to everyone fucking dying but ok
and then we get our first contrived as fuck scene for the sake of edge as we see this scaredy cat being marched out to a beheading rock, that admittedly looks super cool in these lovely Irish hills that are hidden in mist so far this is the best part of the show, the cinematography, and he tries to explain himself to Sean Bean that he didn't return to Trump's wall because he saw White Walkers but he's not having any of it and says some ritual prayer and beheads him as his son or whatever orders his 9 year old or whatever son or whatever not to look away for EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 3 just to really hammer home these seem to be the good guys but THIS AINT YOUR DADDYS LORD OF THE RINGS! THIS IS EDGY AND REALISTIC!
now I get that in real life people really did get executed for desertion but the whole thing doesn't make sense, 1) why the fuck did the White Walkers let him live? are they smart enough to want him to report they're active again but too dumb to not realize no one would believe him without proof? 2) why did this guy NOT return to The Wall? was he too scared they'd send him back out there? does he not give a fuck about warning his comrades about them and just peaced out? if so then 3) why the FUCK did he come all the way back to Winterfell if he knew they wouldn't believe him and just behead him? 4) actually wasn't he literally on the other side of The Wall so he'd have to go back through it? didn't anyone ask him what happened to the other two guys? why not report right then and there where more people would be likely to believe him and try to verify it? 5) couldn't he just change his clothes and run off somewhere else if he was just a coward? it's not like they can check his passport or some shit 6) wouldn't it take him WEEKS to get back to Winterfell? how did he manage that with no provisions? just what le fuck already, so far my impressions are the writing is super on the nose but the production values are super dank, like the special effects for the gore are really good and the landscapes are lovely and the costumes and set design are all very believable and not the usual plastic metalwork and polystyrene walls dogshit you see in most period piece tv shows
then we see a dead rotting dear that got killed by something called a direwolf that took it with him and its pups are still trying to suckle from its corpse that has a deers antler embedded in its head, these are just animals killing each other so I'll give it a pass on the edgy counter but Ned (oi m8 bolt ya nugget ah pumped yer maw last night) recommends they just kill the pups and the edgy son immediately goes to do it which woulda been an edgy count but the nice son says there's 6 of them for each of the 6 Stark children and Ned gets super edgy and says some shit like "you'll feed them yourselves, you'll raise them yourselves and if they die you'll bury them yourselves" as he storms off jesus christ mate you're just letting your kids have some pets actually on second through letting a 9 year old raise a giant wolf monster might not be a good idea no wonder this dude dies in everything he's ever appeared in and then Jon, yes that's his exotic fantasy name, reveals he's not a Stark that I think I already knew from autists I know online telling me all about their fan theories about how he's a baby from the future or some shit and there's a nice shot of them leaving under a bridge I love the scenery around Winterfell it's very celtic and reminds me of running around woods that had like legit 1500 year old castle walls in them to climb around, to quote the Italian prosecuter who convicted Amanda Knox "what were Americans doing 1500 years ago? painting buffalo in caves?"
then we see King's Landing, the capital of the seven kingdoms, not sure that's how it works since each kingdom would have it's own capital but whatever, and this place has more of a sort of French seaside town aesthetic with it's big elaborate cathedral-like buildings and there's some neat world building where a dude is dead and 7 priests or whatever with a 7 pointed star symbol waft incest, wait no were' not there yet, incense, around his dead body that has had 7 of his organs put in jars and stones put over hsi eyes like the ancient egyptians did but I vaguely recall from /tv/ autism that 7 is the number of deities they have in this world or something which makes me wish I knew more about history since I am pretty sure what made medieval european life the way it was was because of the effect christianity had on history and politics, the lifestyles of average people and leaders living by what they were told the bible says by the clergy and the sort of black and white thinking and strictly hierarchical social structures that influenced every part of those sorts of societies that mostly comes from the extreme autism that is monotheistic religion but in this world they treat religion as just a lifestyle choice some people ascribe to different aspects of rather than the driving force between every political and personal decision everyone made for a period of about a thousand years straight like irl and then we get who I am assuming is the best character in the show, the dude who fucks a certain someone that makes him based & redpilled, start chatting about if this dead guy spilled their secrets and start discussing a bunch of characters and titles they covet I aint finna bouta pay attention to I assume we'll be getting a lot of this people talking vaguely about their schemes involving other characters who's names I cant remember and this is the first we meet of Cersei who all the fans seem to hate but she seems pretty based from what I've seen and she's played by Lena Headey who did alright as Sarah Connor in T:SCC fucking rip that show that's what the finale needs to be it turns out she is a time displaced Sarah and then Cameron (trollinator) steps out of a time travel bubble and mows all these edgy pricks down with an m60
then some redheaded woman in Winterfell, that I have to say is a pretty well put together looking medieval village really good job with all the prop department people or whatever, getting ye olde tweet attached to a crows foot and she goes to see Ned who's found the most kino spot possible to clean his broadsword by a reflecting pond as he reflects and under a deathly pale tree that's bright red leaves almost seem like a cloud of blood hovering over him as sunlight pours down around him as if even in this idyllic environment he's still in the shade having his life darkened by the death and bloodshed hanging over his head, real good cinemetography here holy shit, cant wait for the quality to nosedive like in every other show that's first episode they go whole hog on and then run out of budget and time and resort back to filming conversions in dimly lit tiny rooms
and I guess this redhead is his wife who seems to have some sort of... Irish accent? ok I looked it up and the actress is from Northern Ireland, but she talks about coming up north, maybe this is a reference to how Middle Earth or whatever this place is called is basically just the UK lmao and they do some world building about there being old gods and she follows the new 7 gods with all the rules or something and she cuts to the chase and tells him the tweet she just got about whoever the other Jon who died was and Ned whines about some king riding up to see them oh my fucking god I dont want to have to learn all this elaborate family tree and royal family bloodline shit I feel like I'm reading the bible or something
then we see a banquet being prepared and they have dialog that was like some shit earlier between the brother and sister talking about "he fucks boars and hunts whores, or was it the other way around?" where they make cultural references to the only 3 things in their culture: sex, food and animals, since this was before these poor people had wonders such as celebrities having rape scandals and a million superhero movies to make jokes about, where they talk about some guy who reads all night... or drinks all night! ebin
then we cut to the princes or whoever getting shaved and they have some lads talk about how that other prince gets to fuck all the nice southern girls... yeah if only they knew... then we see Bran flakes inventing parkour as he sees some dodgy CGI of a caravan of I think the Lannisters arriving and his mum catches him and makes him promise to stop climbing but she catches him lying I vaguely remember what happens at the end here from watching this episode when it first aired on tv here and being bored and not watching any more lmao so I guess the closest thing to a moral of this episode might be don't lie to your mum because she's probably right about you doing dumb shit being dumb then we see Joffrey arriving who I know from memes about how edgy he is and he and Sansa smile at each other who's a qt redhead and by qt I mean like a 10/10 by brit standards but 5/10 by any other countries standards and she's played by the dumb thot who is going to somehow ruin the Dark Phenoix saga even worse than X-Men 3 did
then this big fat fuck gets off his horse and ushers a bowing Ned to stand, I guess that means the Starks are subservient to the Lannisters or something, and the cheeky cunt calls Ned fat, how the fuck did people even get fat back then they didn't have sugar in everything yet, actually I don't think they had sugar at all, and the kids comment on ah yes that's his name Jamie Lannister taking off his helmet who's the queens TWIN brother oh hmmmm even better, and Cersei mentions that they've been travelling A FUCKING MONTH to get there which I'm sure is a rule of thumb that'll get violated in the future like how in Lost it took them like a week to cross just the thin part of the island and are then going back and fourth in only a few hours, and then Ned talks to his fat friend who offers him the Hand of the King and we get our first mention of The Iron Throne™ that I know best from some super cringy teaser for the awful Terminator Genysis movie starring the dragon lady who gets raped a lot where this stupid throne inexplicably turns like a T-1000 into Emilia Clarke that looks like it was fan made but is an official release which seems to have been taken down from their official channel from how many downvotes it got lmao us nerds like being pandered to and everything but sometimes you can just take the piss
and then we see Tyrion Lannister getting his dick sucked by a whore, kinda funny that he's a dwarf character in a medieval fantasy world but it's not because he's a member of the race of dwarfs he was literally just born with dwarfism, or wait that's not PC anymore, and midget definitely isn't, I think you're meant to literally call them Little People which sounds extremely condescending and is not clear what you're referring to if you don't know that specific PC term but I guess that's what they prefer so god bless being a manlet is hard in any world, and then through some annoying dialog they establish the important information that Tyrion is the third Lannister sibling, they call him The Imp which he hates and uh the gods blessed him with a short refractory period and/or like his dick is regular sized so seems huge on his small body or something and then his brother walks in wearing armor and carrying a sword like he just walks fully strapped everywhere in on this whore about to ride his dick and tells her not to bother getting up and they start talking about how their sister has odd cravings wtf and then to speed up Tyrion's whoring so he can assist him later he lets in four other whores for an orgy and then just walks out making sure his manlet brother gets his nut real good is this some fucking hentai or something
then there's a brief scene of Ned and his fat friend talking about the few remaining Targaryens while visiting a tomb or something because I guess some other royal died or something and speak of the devil we cut to some place called Pentos that's Across the Narrow Sea I guess this is an allegory for the mainland of Europe, and the architecture is reminiscent of a sort of Greek or Roman style, and we see our second inferior Sarah Connor staring sadly out to sea as her foppish brother comes in talking about her upcoming wedding like a creeper and he's scheming to come into a throne too of course and then to correct her posture HE TAKES OFF HIS SISTERS DRESS AND STARTS PLAYING WITH HER TITS I gave the manlet a pass since it's 2019 and we've all seen an orgy in porn before but at least in porn they have the decency to say they're only step siblings so that's gonna be a big ol INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 1 from me dawg, and then as if to self harm and build up some theme of surviving sick burns with her she steps into a steaming hot bath as her slave girl warns her its too hot
then they meet a party of Dothraki who are basically the mongols of this universe, roving bands of raping and pillaging types, but who are all white, or well, passing for white like Aquaman, which is an interesting thing I'll need to keep a look out for, this was released in the ancient times of 2011 when you had all white casts for medieval europe inspired settings and no one batted and eye so we'll see when we first start getting like african americans playing Winterfell serfs out of nowhere as the 10s get more and more woke, and the brother gets introduced to Aquaman with some long-ass title like some Iron Fist shit and he tells his sister as if he gets turned on by how macho Aquaman is who's going to be cuckolding him talking about how they get their hair cut if they lose a fight and he's never lost a fight, which is I think a thing from ancient China, or at least a thing from Jackie Chan's character in Shanghai Knights lmao, but she just looks scared as they offer her up, with her nipples poking out of her dress as if this is some high budget porn intro, and he just sort of glares at her with his perma-angry arched eyebrows and rides off without saying anything and her brother starts whining about it like he wanted to get cucked right there and then and later on his adviser starts buttering him up about how the people want him as their true king since they seem to be in exile from whatever the fantasy name for the rip off of the UK is in this dudes palace probably just wanting to egg this prince guy on to take over so this advisor guy can be the new kings right hand man but they scheme scheme scheme away about how he finds the klingons or whatever weird barbarians but still needs to do this political marriage so he can use their army and out of nowhere wasitrape lady says "I dont want to be his queen" and in the only line I remember from watching this episode like 8 years ago HE TELLS HIS SISTER "I WOULD LET HIS WHOLE TRIBE FUCK YOU, ALL 40,000 OF THEIR MEN AND THEIR HORSES TOO, IF THATS WHAT IT TOOK" yep, that's gonna be another EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 4 from me! damn this dude loves his cuckolding hes not satisfied with just BDCs (Big Dothraki Cocks) running a train on her he needs horse cocks to get off too
then we cut to Sansa getting her hair did by her mother or whatever gossiping about Joffrey who she seems awfully attracted to for a like 13 year old ugly manlet but I guess the incels are right and she's a golddigger after his betabux and she's like "what if he thinks I'm ugly?" and her mother says he'd be stupid to think so fucking should have said "just show him Arya and you'll look great in comparison" lmao and she begs her to get Ned to allow their marriage as shes super thirsty
then we see the fat guy whoring around and Cersei looks rustled about it is that her husband I can't fucking keep track and then we see Jon Snow or whatever asking some warrior guy to let him serve on Hardians wall keeping the Scottish savages out I guess all this young men wanting to be soldiers is accurate since in ye olden times people thought war was some romantic adventure to prove how brave you are since most people just fucking died right away in melee combat or didn't survive their injuries and the leaders had like stories and poems commissioned about how cool and badass it is to trick more retard serfs into thinking it was ebin and then like a snake slithering up to hiss in his ear the manlet appears out from the shadows and starts trying to manipulate Jon about them both being outcasts in royal families since he's deformed and Jons a bastard, I usually like these sort of manipulator type characters like Ben Linus from Lost and I like the idea of a guy in a brutally violent world born disabled has to get real good at fighting with his words to survive so I think I'm gonna like this character unfortunately since that's who all the normies like and I don't wanna be a normie although I guess watching a show about brother/sister incest is normal now so actually never mind I'll be a normie in 2019 its lit fam then we get another meme drop as Ned says Winter Is Coming™ again yes only 8 years away and we see Cersei looking like shes got a serious case of resting bitch face glaring at everyone ignoring Lady Stark or whoever talking to her like she can't even be bothered to pretend to care about any of this and Sansa comes up and says she's 13 (have a seat over there sir) and tries to act polite sucking up to her hopefully future mother in law and Cersei acts creepy calling her dove and asking if she's still growing and then asks HAVE YOU BLED YET? and the answers no much to Cersei's disappointment since I guess she wants her spoiled retard son to have a heir asap so she's not relying on him for any longer than she has to or really wants their families alliance cemented asap or whatever oh my politics very nice that a 13 year old girls menses is an important plot point but I guess that would be a real concern "back then" so I'll let the pedoedge slide (although in ye olden times a lot of kids had delayed puberty until their mid to late teens from the malnutrition/rampant disease/strain of manual labor/general stress of the time so wouldn't get married until then and arranged child marriages like this was a thing mostly for rich cunts like this and often just formal with the two might never even meeting for years so fucking pre-teens wasn't a universal thing or anything) and Cersei tries to play nice asking for her to sew a dress but cant help but basically tell her future uh double mother in law or whatever that she lives in a shithole, then we see Joffrey gormlessly eyeing Sansa, can't wait for that rape scene, and then we see a drunken Jamie finally taken his gear off taunting Ned to fight him in a tournament and Ned says some edgy shit about "I don't fight in tournaments, when I fight a man for real, I don't want him to know what I can do" even though I am pretty sure they fight to the death in this universe so ok edgemaster and Arya gets sent to bed for flicking food around lis
then there's some more scheming between Ned and his wife about if they should move down to the capital or not and they bond over calling their friend fat lis and some old guy delivers ye olde text message in these weird things people called "letters" not very inventive since it is a bunch of letters and there's some conspiracy intrigue shit about how the other Jon, who was the kings right hand man, was murdered by the Lannisters and they're aiming for the king now, who I don't think we've met yet, and this is according to her sister and she mentions she'd be dead if this letter was intercepted by the wrong person, I guess these retards haven't invented encryption yet but then again its 2019 and people are still getting their tweets hacked so you know war... war never changes
then we see movie Sarah Connor sitting with Aquaman as her brother looks on eagerly for her to get SAVAGED as she gets brought gits of snakes and they watch some naked belly dancers as she looks on getting nervous about getting dicked and this dance is like a play or a real fight or something about a rape no wait I've got it THEY'RE DAGGERING BUDDY BUDDY BUDDY BUDDY BUDDY BUDDY BOOM BOOM BINSA BINSA BOWLO lmao and Aquaman loves this shit as it breaks out into a fight leading to a guy getting cutted as his intestines spill out for no reason other than gore, EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 5
and her brother gets uppity demanding his crown already but his adviser guy tells him "a dorthaki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair" lel then some guy I've seen in memes before arrives with some books for Sarah Connor #2 and I think this guy ends up her like extremely friendzoned ally or something and then another gift is given of fucking dragon egg fossils from The Shadow Realm from YuGiOh or some shit and I guess this is it and they're married because Aquaman just storms off and oh there we go there's our first black people in this crowd that watches her follow him apprehensively to pet a horse that I guess is the first animal to get a go on her, and there's a microedge where the friendzoned guy tells her "there is no word for thank you in dothraki" how do they... say thank you then? and then Aquaman puts her on a horse and her brother tells her "make him happy" and smiles like Louis C.K. is about to see his wife get BLACKED (updated meme: is about to jerk off in front of Sarah Silverman) then we see her by the sea as he undresses her piece by piece and she starts crying and he just says "no" and she asks if he knows "the common tongue" and he says "no" and she asks if the word "no" is the only one he knows and he says "no" lmao as if to drive home that even if they cant have a proper conversation he will at least know if he's raping her or not but it's pointless for her to even say no as he bends her over and the um consummation happens off-screen which is tasteful enough to not earn my edge rating and that's realism I guess women just being married off as political pawns and their consent just not taken into account by any of the men involved at all as if they were livestock being traded (as it should be) actually wait I have a funny meme instead of a kill count I'll keep a tally of each characters rapes lmao ok KHAL DROGO +1 DAENERYS TARGARYEN (DOGGY STYLE RAPE)
then we see the manlet talking to a guy who I know from memes where autistic soyboys want him to fight the big guy for you called The Hound talking about going hunting and they ride off with Ned and his fat friend who promises to help him "not seem so fucking grim all the time" lmao I guess they hadn't invented anti-depresents yet and then the big meme is coming up as Bran gets his Dying Light on and climbs up the castle by a dodgy greenscreen and he years some sex noises of a woman moaning and climbs closer to the window to see and he spies Jamie giving it real good to a woman down on her knees doggy stype who sits up and its... CERSEI!!!! JAIME'S FUCKING HIS SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKING BASED!!!!!!!!!!!!! and now while there was a lot of inbreeding with royal families marrying their cousins to each other and shit I am pretty sure most stories of royal families literally fucking their mums and sisters and shit was mostly propaganda so I'm gonna have to give this a big ol INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 2 thanks for some fun wank material
but we're not fucking done yet as Jaime runs over and grabs Bran and it seems like he's just going to try and talk him into keeping it secret or explaining it away but Cersie starts bitching "he saw us!" and that sister-pussy is just too good as Jaime realizes "you're quite the little climber arent you?" figuring out an easy alibi for his death that he regularly climbs about doing dangerous shit and just to show how cold hearted he is he even establishes that he's only 10 and then JAIME SHOVES THE 10 YEAR OLD OUT THE WINDOW SO HE CAN KEEP FUCKING HIS SISTER EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 6 and Bran falls out the window down onto the camera cutting to black as we cut to credits you'd think someone as smart as Cersei would not fuck her brother while in rival territory but I'm guessing she's not genuinely attracted to him it's just a way to manipulate him and make sure he stays extra loyal to her and making him think she has genuine lust for him too is part of the scheme and I guess it's not the taboo nature of their coupling that's needing covered up since like they're royals they can do whatever they want it's that she's cheating on the king and he'd have to have Jaime executed in some brutal fashion to save face
ok well that was only 5000 words pretty good actually I just flew right through that so that means I could review this whole show in just about... 335,000 words.... oh... ok.... anyway my first impressions are the production values are really good, all really good performances other than Emilia Clarke who seems a bit novice-ish, and the visuals are all great with everything looking believably lived-in and lots of different styles for the different cities featured and the cinematography for the outdoor scenes being really engaging with only a bit of dodgy green screen here and there which isn't too bad for an 8 year old show my main complaint is the plot seems to be byzantine in nature where I feel like I'm gonna have to hardline some vaccines to get enough autism to follow all this family tree next in line claim to the throne bullshit and the dialog is all that sort of airy fairy quasi-poetic way Americans write royal families in any period or setting to talk like I've had enough of this shit in the fucking Thor movies it seems like Ned is the only one who just says things straight forward without having to talk in metaphors like they do on The Walking Dead and everything he says is some super edgy shit about death as if he's got some dank ass depression and all the sex and violence while I am fine with it and love it it's obviously coming from a culture that usually hides that sort of thing on mainstream TV shows but this is HBO getting to basically yell in your face THIS IS ADULT MATERIAL FOR ADUUUUUULTS!!! LOOK A TITTY!!!! when that's not very shocking in the 10s and is kind of like a teenager swearing a lot now they're allowed to or something but whatever more memes for me lets keep going
Game of Thrones 1x02: "The Kingsroad"
kill all gingers special edition
First aired: April 24, 2011
we see whatever Sarah Connor #2s name is that I've yet to remember how to spell yet in shock from getting raped all night and the white knight beta orbiter and gives her some horse beef jerky and tells her about ghost grass that's going to kill all the other grass or some shit that will end the world according to the mongol retards that'd be quite the series finale if that actually came true then we see these nomadic peoples typical life in their teepees that's kinda like native american life you know before whitey came and killed them all and they ended up in trailer parks kind of interesting how they compile all these different historical cultures into one story although I have a nagging feeling that it's not out of creativity this is just how Americans see world history since in American culture like their Civil War is absolute ancient history even though it's within like only 2 human life times there's someone alive right now who's grandparent was alive during it so the idea of like the UK having history that goes back thousands and thousands of years does not compute and to American culture it's literally all just "before american independence" and it might as well all be the same to them anyway the cuckold brother talks to the beta orbiter and it's established I think that the orbiter is wanted by the Starks because he sold men who were poaching on his land to slavers which I guess is outlawed in Winterfell ooh very progressive I'm not sure they had full on slaves like the African slave trade or in antiquity in medieval Europe I think they just had a serf system where yeah pretty much your landlord owned you but you were living in your own homes not being literally kept in chains which seemed to mostly be a thing that happened to prisoners of war or people failing to pay debt rather than a huge industry where you like bred people for that purpose and shit
then we get an edgy joke from Joffrey finding the manlet waking up in a pigsty next to a dog that he's got "better looking bitches than he's used to" and Joffrey tries to act tough in front of The Hound that he can't be fucked to go and see Bran because he "cant stand the wailing of women" and HIS UNCLE BITCH SLAPS HIM and warns him not a word but he squeaks "I'm telling mother!" and GETS SLAPPED AGAIN lmao rekt you edgy little shit and the manlet orders Joffrey to go suck up to the Starks and SLAPS HIM AGAIN when he tries to talk back until he gives in and runs off flustered and The Hound warns "the prince will remember that, little lord" as if they're in a fucking Fallout game, in fact I think there actually was a Game of Thrones video game by telltale, well rip that since they went bankrupt lmao, if I know my child developmental psychology Joffrey's such a cruel little prick with pent up anger to take out on everyone is because him getting slapped by his elders is a regular occurrence or else he wouldn't put up with it from the manlet he's just shocked the one person he's bigger than is even doing it
and then unfortunately for the wonder twins the manlet tells them that Bran is alive and might survive and Jaime tries to float the idea of putting him out of his misery if he's crippled but Tyrion or whatever can already sniff out they had something to do with it and they have le vague scheming conversation about who's side he's on Jaime is quite the brainlet for not going down to make sure he was dead and then we see Cersei coming to check on Bran and his mother as she talks about losing her own son years ago which was probably a universal experience for parents in "those days" and they have a little teary eyed mini-cry together pretty good performance from Lena Headey there you can tell Cersei is trying to manipulate the mother but is genuinely dredging up unhappy memories to help her do so and she's not as cold as her brother and her life being so shit is probably why she's such a ruthless cunt but I'm still waiting for her to try to suffocate Bran or some shit lmao
then Jaime has an edgy conversation with Jon about him wanting to serve at The Wall about how you'll realize people are just sacks of meat once he finally swings his sword at someone yeah great stuff mate I'm guessing these two characters will never speak again since they seem heavily segregated from the memes I've seen for the rest of the show then Jon goes to give Arya her own little custom made sword which she immediately almost accidentally stabs him with lmao jesus fucking ban assault swords now then Jon goes and says goodbye to a comatosed Bran and invites him to come walk with him behind The Wall if he's not afraid (of the Mexicans) and then Ned arrives and his wife has a bit to say about ye olde toxic masculinity where Ned considers he has no choice but to leave but she says "that's just what men always say but you do have a choice" which is interesting that Cersei was just talking about how men do shit like punch walls to "try to show you how much they care" as if she's giving her permission to look at men critically or something by hearing another Queen talk that way then Jon hugs his edgy half-brother or whoever goodbye and Ned tells him he's proud but refuses to tell him who his mother is until next time they meet yeaaaah guessing that's not gonna happen nice dumbass mystery this is definitely a tv thing in real life he'd probably just ask someone else or something and then he goes to do his tour in Iraq or whatever
actually speak of the contrived tv mystery the next scene Ned is having a picnic with his fat friend, who I have a sneaking suspicion is going to backstab him or something since he's the only person who acts friendly with seemingly an open agenda, and they're having an edgy conversation about wenches tits when he just namedrops who Jon's mother is, Wylla, who I'm sure we'll see in like 100 episodes time, and then fatty gives him a letter about Sarah Connor's wedding and starts ranting edgily about her spreading her legs to pump out more Targaryens who he wants to kill because they killed their family or some elaborate shit I ain't looking up in a fan wikia or any bullshit like that but Ned isn't too concerned because the Dothraki are brainlets who don't have any ships to reach the fantasy UK
speaking of savage mongol retards we see Aquaman chilling with his bros and then he goes into his tent to get KHAL DROGO +1 DAENERYS TARGARYEN (DOGGY STYLE RAPE) on his wife from the infamous "was it rape?" webm and the answer is yes since fuck moral relativity it's for libcucks who want to excuse backwards brown people throwing acid in women's faces or whatever and if it was valid then nothing anyone would do ever could be morally wrong since it's taking place within it's own context that explains its difference from the norm no matter how unreasonable seeming to an outsider, e.g. of course that guy burgled a house he needed drug money, of course that guy was a serial killer he happened to be a psychopath, of course that guy did a suicide bombing he was following his extremist faith, ect ect, although there's a thing now where we pretend moral relativism doesn't get applied to people alive right now and start judging historical figures for owning slaves or whatever, but you know what they're right, I don't care if it was the norm back then if one of George Washington's many slave mistresses just killed him one day and escaped she'd be doing the right thing and most people who do bad things right now in the first world are braindead apes who think they're in the right so fuck it, anyway Emilia Clark gives a hilarious performance here where her eyebrows are going insane as she gets her not so virgin secret garden brutally mowed by Aquaman's trident and it really does look like something from a porno or something lmao and we see her staring at the fossilised dragon eggs to try and cultivate some inner strength or something for some foreshadowing oh yeah and thats gonna be a big ol EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 7 from me since it's our first on-screen rape scene
and then we see Jon and the manlet on their way to The Wall and some men are brought in with their hands tied and the manlet explains "rapers, they can be castrated or sent to The Wall, most choose the knife" damn I know it's all white people up here but they really hate rap music that much? I'm guessing this is the kind of thing where it only counts as rape if you're raping another mans wife or daughter, you can rape your own wife all you want (as it should be) also there's a thing with morons who use castration to mean cutting off the penis too but if he means the proper sense it always struck me as odd since yeah I'm sure a loss in testosterone production would make a male criminal less violent in general but I am pretty sure you can still get a boner without your balls it might just be a struggle so you could still get your rape on but maybe in "those days" the concern was more about knocking up another mans wife since she might fucking die in child birth and not even for her mans bloodline which is funny that they had eunuchs in different cultures throughout history to like guard the queens chambers and shit and even though they couldn't get her pregnant they mighta still been having it away with them and probably from having lower testosterone were able to last all night and they chat about how Tyrion or whatever is a nerd who reads books and he admits that his brother killed the king their father was the right hand man to? but wasn't it established that they killed the new king(I think Cersei's husband)s right hand man? why not just kill the new king if she wants to take over? was he onto them or some shit? oh my palace intrigue, and the manlet teases Jon some more about how he's not as idealistic as he makes himself out to be causing him to have a glance over at the rapists as if he's testing him to see what his character is really made of and it's making Jon consider taking action against his rather unsavoury new comrades, I really like uh Peter Dinklage's performance here he really sells a guy who radiates confidence in his intellect and like he's completely assured he can toy with someone into doing whatever he needs
then some old bald guy comes to Lady Stark and basically says we're fucking broke after that royal visit and everyone important left and the edgy son arrives to tell her to get a fucking grip sitting over Bran all day when he spots a fire which idk how you even fought that back then and when he leaves Lady Stark turns around to see SOME ASSASSINS CREED LOOKING ASS MOTHERFUCKER WITH A DAGGER BEHIND HER
who I assume set the fire as a distraction and he says some shit about how this'll be a mercy I assume he was sent by the Lannisters to tie up loose vaginas and there is a dumb trope I see in movies sometimes where Lady Stark tries to defend him by grappling with him and she grabs his dagger with both hands and holds on uhhh yeah no he could just pull it away and it'd slice right through her flesh, there's no way in fuck to grip a fucking blade designed for cutting through meat with your fucking hands that are made of meat and hold it there, this happened in that Scottish history movie Rob Roy where he just grabs the sword of his enemy so he cant fight him as he stabs him, if you can just grab swords then whats the fucking point of them lmao, just do that all the time, anyway Cat fights literally tooth and nail biting his hand and shit as she's a real nigga ready to do anything for her kids but the assassin throws her away and is about to merc Bran when THE DIREWOLF JUMPS ON HIM AND TEARS HIM APART and then hops up on Brans bed to guard him as the assassin bleeds to death from his torn out throat fucking destroyed gayboy that's not really that edgy since the dog literally didn't do anything wrong and was just defending his master
then we see Sarah Connor #2 getting bathed by slave girls and she asks about the dragon eggs and one of them tells a tale she heard from the trader who brought them about how dragons come from the moon (ayy lmao) and she tells the other girls who tell a shitter story about the moon being the wife of the sun to fuck off so she can talk to this woman who tells her her mother sold her to a pleasure house when she was NINE hmm seems to be a uh lot of focus on underage girls being sexually exploited whats uh whats going on here GRRM hmm? I mean if I ever wrote a big work of fiction kids getting molested would be mentioned every page but that's because I'm extremely redpilled and know that's what makes the world turn I am pretty sure GRRM is just a sex weirdo but thankfully this handmaiden does the fucking Mohammad and Alisha meme of "oh I didn't have sex when I was 9 lol that would be so fucked up!..... don't worry I waited three years" oh ok great and then she asks her for sex tips on how to please her rapist lmao
then Jon and the crew finally arrive at... DONALD TRUMPS WALL wow it only took space and time running for so long it looped back around to being the medieval period for it to get built bravo cant wait for the carrier pigeon messages about how winter is coming disproves global warming
then Lady Stark does some ye olde fucking CSI shit where she goes to where they found Bran and looks up to where he fell out of and goes up to the tower and investigates the ground and finds... A LONG BLONDE HAIR hmmmmmmmm and with surprisingly fast plot progression
she just holds a meeting in the woods and tells her most trusted men that someone tried to kill Bran twice over something he saw any other show would have it be an entire season before they realized this and she elects to ride by herself and with an interesting approving nod from the older man the pigtailed neckbeard to go tell Sean Bean because she's worried the mods will read her DMs on ye olde twitter by intercepting her carrier crow
then there's some dank ass lesbian porn where the slave girl is sitting ontop of her showing her how to RIDE DICK and tells her to always look him in the eyes and talks about a woman who could "finish a man" just by making eye contact which she doesn't even get the reference due to having been a virgin only a few days ago and this was before the internet so idk how people even knew how to have sex and they intertwine their hands as the sex slave girl pins her hands down and when she worries that Aquaman wont like her ontop she tells him "you'll make him like it" and advice her to not "make love like a slave" and shows her how to ride ontop and Daenerys, lets just call her Dany, like spins her around so she's ontop, as if she could do that to some 250lb barbarian, and the slave says "out there he's the mighty Kahl, bit in here he belongs to you!" uhhhh Dany was probably right at first I doubt this ultra chad dude is into femdom shit but who knows maybe he wants his boipussy pegged deep down and the slave girl says some admiring shit to her about how this is why he married her or whatever, now I get that what's happening here is Dany is of strong enough will and sound enough mind to be using what few resources she has access to to improve her situation but honestly this is getting a bit into yikes territory since you could probably write this sort of thing where she figures out for herself maybe if she takes control of the sex it'll be easier for her or the other sex slave girl just tells her without showing her in some sapphic example since this just comes across like GRRM or DnD as the shows showrunners are referred to as are writing this shit one-handed if ya know what I'm memeing
anyway then later on Aquaman comes lumbering into their tent and stands right in front of her with his naked dick in her face and I assumed there would be le succ but he just goes to mount her for doggystyle again since he's a boring fuckboy who just wants the same position over and over again and when she says no and tries to turn around he just ignores her and aces her away again since he knows how to treat women properly but she says in Dothraki that she wants to look upon his face and manages to get ontop of him to ride him and he's like w-woah g-g-girl o-ontop.... ?!?!?! and literally looks confused at first but then gets into it and he sits up so they can make-out you can tell this fucking 50 year old obese wizard virgin GRRM read some like cosmo mag about how if your mans dick is too big try doing cowgirl but I think that's so the woman has more control over who deep he's going it probably doesn't make it any easier for a virgin bride if he immediately starts grabbing at her and fucking her anyway like Aquaman does but what do I know my sister only likes it ontop but yeah uh very weird storyline about Dany learning how to fit her rapists cock more comfortably that I guess was meant to read as empowering as she starts to take even a little bit of control back but they had to make it into a sensual lesbian thing and then a sensual romance thing and it's all a bit cringy since uh yeah this guys been traded her like a goat and is fucking her against her will regularly which is meant to be horrible and fucked up not some erotic journey but that's what all erotic novels for women is about anyway "oh no this guy is a vampire/robot/caveman/demon/ghost/rogue AI/dictator/zombie/anthro bird monster/post-apoc raider/serial killer/werewolf/evil fairy/djinn/tribal cannibal/pirate/hitman/psycho/ninja/t-rex... b-but he's in love with me?!" so they love it and they deserve rape.... scene writing of this quality and my only problem with those sorts of books is they don't write these for men too and you know what just to prove I'm not a rape culture supporter I'll still give this to Kahl KHAL DROGO +1 DAENERYS TARGARYEN (COWGIRL RAPE) since she's clearly under duress and only having sex with him that way so she doesn't need to get her back walls smashed in like the last at least two times and I'm not sure if I'm gonna call edgy on this since the edgy thing about this is its trying NOT to be edgy its trying to be some hot passionate scene in the midst of this fucked up unhot situation so just another bit of americanism
then outside the castle Sansa is walking her direwolf when some local thot girls eye her up as if she's taking it into the woods to get knotted by it when suddenly a young woman's worst nightmare.... an ugly man... suddenly appears in front of her, and then to make matters even worse The Hound who's got some two-face shit going on appears behind her and the ugly guy looks edgily and walks off as The Hound explains The Mad King whoever that is cut out his tongue and Joffrey swaggers up saying some edgy shit about how he talks with his sword instead and calls The Hound a dog who he shoos away as hes scaring "m'lady" and his absolutely euphoric fedora tipping flirting is actually working on her as she walks off into the woods with her to find Arya practising fencing with her gingernut friend with wooden sticks and Joffrey starts the fuckboy antics right away by plying Sansa with wine and starts bullying the ginger nut and slicing at his cheek with his real sword but Arya whacks him with her stick and Joffrey being a right little psycho immediately starts trying to hack at her and screams ILL GUT YOU YOU LITTLE CUNT even though he knows shes a princess but then HER WOLF STARTS MAULING HIM LMAO
and Arya grabs Joffrey's sword and holds it to him who starts begging like a little bitch so Arya just throws it into the river and runs off and Sansa takes his side the dumb redhead thot and Joffrey gets all insecure that hes been rekt by a dog then we see Arya having to throw a rock at her dog so it'll leave her as they have guards looking to kill it for biting Joffrey and by nightfall Ned is out there still looking for her, wait I thought he had gone to the capital, or are the girls travelling with them, idk, and he gets told they already found her and he gets uppity the Lannisters didn't come to him first and oh, the king is his fat friend and Cersei's husband, and when Cersei tries to tell Ned to have respect for his king he snaps at her to be "quiet woman" lmao back in the kitchen, and Joffrey has gone crying to mummy claiming they attacked him first and it's a big embarrassment in front of all their men until... the Lannisters call out Sansa who seemed like she was going to take Joffrey's side but she bottles it and pretends not to remember and then Arya attacks her lmao not putting forward a very good case for your innocence and Cersei smirks as if she'd hoped that would have happened and maybe even arranged for them to first see each other again in front of everyone so it would and that's why she didn't send anyone to tell Ned herself and the lardass in cheif tries to just handwave it away as kids being kids but Cersei plays up Joffrey being a victim a bit too much so his father loses respect for him being disarmed by a girl with a stick which might actually be her intention again to get him frustrated in general and embarrassed in front of his men so that when he realizes they cant find the direwolf that bit Joffrey she can suggest... their other direwolf... Sansas... and the girls throw a tanty since that wolf wasn't even there and Ned tries to get mercy but fatty is already fired up so Ned, like the real man and/or depressed emo that he is, says he'll do it, and Cersei thinks this must be some sort of trick probably to egg him on to definitely doing it or like she cant believe anyone genuinely having respect for an animal, and on Ned's way out he finds The Hound coming back... with the corpse of the gingernut on his horse... and he just comments forlornly "he ran... not very fast" as if he at least knows it was the wrong thing to do which puts him above most of the other characters who just blindly follow orders not thinking twice about it
and as we see Ned slit the other wolfs throat, which I'll give a pass on the edgy rating since it happens just off-screen so whatever,... Bran wakes up... with quite the incest erotica to share
well that was a good scene with Cersei doing like four different things to manipulate that outcome she wanted I guess just to establish dominance over that family and let them know yeah this is their king and they're their bitch she's got a similar thing to the manlet going on where she's had to be manipulative because they cant overcome via physical force or commanding respect since one's disabled and the other is, even worse, a woman, welp these episode are actually flying by quite quickly I quite like the sort of decompressed style a lot of these idk what you call them premium cable or whatever shows like HBO, AMC and FX do where they don't just want to spew as many episodes as they can out there as cheap as they can like most network or whatever the american term is for the big five tv channels over there but shows like Breaking Bad can leisurely take their time letting you really live in a situation and let it slowly play out in a more subtle and realistic manner than rushing to hit the intro, middle and outro of a dialog like most shows do until you might only get like 6 scenes total in an episode and it works really well here where there's a very big cast like LOST bit instead of it centring on an A and B plotlike like that show you only really get one or two scenes with each character but they're in-depth and long enough to make it count and is ideal for le binge watching as opposed to having to wait a week in case you like only like one character or something and only get one scene of them per week which would be annoying and also good for my reviewing since style since each scene is more about the general subtext of what each character wants out of the situation rather than the ins and outs of each line or action like in some things I've reviewed a bit too extraneously
Game of Thrones 1x03: "Lord Snow"
Lord Stark, I'm CIA special edition
First aired: May 1, 2011
so this episode opens with Ned and Jaime in the iron throne room, that looks pretty unsafe and like someones going to get poetically impaled on it at some stage, having another one of their subtle but not so subtle pissing contest conversations where Ned implies Jaime's a pussy for having such unscathed armor (even though I'm pretty sure he'd have multiple suits to replace any damage but ok) which is a bit grating but I get they're going for the divide between the classes of the way they talk where the upper class people pretend to be civilized and polite in front of each other but really underneath it they say the same unsavoury things to each other as the crass underclasses but I'm pretty sure irl no rich cunt actually talked like this that's just how people now adays think they did since that's what all of the writing was like but that's because reading and writing was a rare learned skill that you had to study formally for and they'd probably learn a very strict way to write probably using the bible and poetry heavily and it was only going to be read by people who had the same sort of very technical education but actually speaking out loud I doubt people stood there trading double entendres and metaphors all day long although at least it's not as bad as The Walking Dead where people talk entirely in obscure idioms and obtuse proverbs in the modern day but it does segway cleverly into instead of just vague insults Jaime just skips straight to bringing up his brother and father being immolated or something in the throne room in front of everyone by Aerys Targaryen "The Mad King", I assume the other incestuous siblings father, and apparently he killed him and I guess is bringing that up to remind Ned his family died like bitches but also he owes him for avenging them and maybe to soothe his ego after Ned called him the punk but Ned's not having any of it and implies he only literally backstabbed him because it was convenient
then we get introduced to two important characters that I know from memes some bald guy who's a eunuch which for some reason is treated by modern culture as just a weird idiosyncratic thing in the past when it's obviously fucking horrible probably because it happened to men so no one cares lmao and it literally still happens in modern day India where homeless eunuchs castrate homeless little boys so they never hit puberty and can pimp them out for longer and this is also looked upon as just some weird Indian cultural trope thing oh those weird Hijras they're like our trans people I guess when they literally kidnap children to mutilate them for profit and one one asks why all these males have been castrated fuck India and fuck humans and the second important character is apparently a master ruseman played by none other than Aidan Gillen aka CIA from TDKR aka the guy from the funny Bane memes and holy shit he's got his hands on his belt just like when we first see him in the plane scene lmaoooo
who greet Ned into their like advisors chamber and through extremely round about and flowery language it's established that CIA duelled Ned's brother, who was literally just called Brandon lol, over Caitlyn Tully, who's now Ned's wife, I'm guessing it's going to be a bit thing where he orbits her like a mad cunt after a certain someone gets beheaded and maybe it'll turn out he got his bother killed too and he just keeps taking out his romantic rivals to his oneitis or some extreme beta orbiting shenanigans and now that Ned is the Kings Hand he gets to sit with them and the other two advisors to do the actual work of running the kingdom when this lazy fat fuck wont even turn up to work and the first order of business is holding a tournament to honor Ned's appointment but it comes out that the Crown is SIX MILLION SHEKELS in debt because the king is a retard who just keeps borrowing money from the Lannisters lmao first day on the job and already panicking about the national debt so Ned just cancels the tournament from the stress but the eunuch guy assures him they serve at his pleasure probably because he can tell this dudes in the vulnerable position of being over-worked AND the only honest actor in the whole seven kingdoms with good intentions and no hidden agenda so he can manipulate him easily
then we see Joffrey getting his bitten arm treated by Cersei and she tries to lead him down the path of how to frame this as a victory by just lying that he killed the beast and only spared the girls out of respect for their father but he just whines depressed that he got humiliated in front of everyone and she tries to tell him that he's next in line so the truth will be whatever he can make it eventually and it seems Joffrey is getting second thoughts about marrying the seemingly very keen Sansa, I guess since he was so embarrassed in front of her but maybe also that he just hates her family now, but his mother tries to reassure him, ever the romantic, that he'd only need to see her on formal occasions and to produce heirs and if he wants to fuck "painted whores" or "virginal damsels" then he can do that too but he doesn't seem satisfied maybe because it's just fucking awkward his callously blunt mother is holding his face and talking about all the sex he can have but also probably mainly he's just a spoiled twat and doesn't want to be required to do anything in his entire life hell yeah dude I can relate to that but also it seems like I was right and he's particularly uppity at the Starks for what happened and he starts ranting about how ideas for being king where he'd double the Starks taxes and make them give 10K men for a standing royal army rather than just calling for other Lords men when they need it which is I think a reference to some English king who's name I forgot who first came up with that idea and basically founded the British army like 500 years ago and Cersei seems pleased he has his own ideas for leadership but teases him that he's not as smart as he thinks he is yet and he risks those men rebelling if he needed to overthrow the Starks and she warns him "the North can not be held by outsiders, it's too big and too wild" which is maybe a reference to how Scotland was never successfully invaded like every other cuck nation in human history and various invading forces just had to like stop at the border because we're fucking mental and this whole 7 kingdoms thing is basically the UK and the cold-ass north could be read as Scotland especially with the situation of a Lord being a cuck and bowing to the capital down south for shekels and political marriages even if they cant be physically conquered and Cersei tells him "anyone who isn't us is an enemy" huh good parenting
and then we see Arya being edgy stabbing a knife into a dinner table over and over again because she wants revenge on Joffrey, this show really is fitting to be a telltale game since it all revolves around if characters are loyal, manipulative or vengeful towards each other like everyone has one of those relationship charts with their different emotional statuses towards every other character in some big network of autism, and Ned sends her to her room and gives Sansa a doll as a present but she's being all huffy because Arya was mad at her too and Ned just sighs and says "war was easier than daughters" lmao an interesting counter-scene to Cersei trying to parent a son where she just assumes all he wants is sex because he's male and that's how she manipulates every other man even her own fucking brother and probably wishes it was that "easy" with him we also have Ned who just wants his daughters to be little princess girls forever who only care about playing with dolls and not be their own complex people he can't understand and then he goes to Arya to try and explain the delicate political situation they have to put up with to avoid war even if it means basically selling his own daughter and starts going on about the Winter is Coming meme the most obvious reading of this is it's literally winter where people back then had to take seriously planning for or they'd fucking starve to death but it might also be a reference for a time of war or hardship in general and child born outside of that might not understand how serious life can get and isn't just all about what you feel is right in the moment aka all the numales who love this show and wish they lived in this setting and Ned not being a total lame-o lets Arya keep her sword
and then we see Bran laying in bed in a mood from presumably being fucked up and scared if he should tell or not and some old lady is trying to cheer him up and she says to him "oh my sweet summer child" which is a meme I've read redditors saying for the last 8 years I never knew it was from this I just assumed it was some faggy song or something that makes up 50% of all reddit posts but now I get the reference to summer that these little zoomer kids don't understand what its like having a winter that goes on for years (that would obviously completely destroy a civilization of this stage and no one would ever live in this area like how no one lives in the north or south pole since even people who've adapted to living in the arctic circle can't take a winter lasting for like literally 6 months but ok) and she tells him an edgy story about how a thousand years ago there was a winter that lasted a generation where kings froze in their castle just like a farmer in their hut and mothers smothered their babies rather than see them starve and felt the tears freeze on their cheeks and Bran perks up and she's like "is that the kind of story you like?" and Bran nods because he's taken a crash course, literally, in edge recently and she tells him that's when the White Walkers came riding their dead horses and hunting with spiders as big as hounds nice build-up for some over arching villains we're not going to be able to see again for like 5 seasons and then one of Bran's brothers comes in and excuses the old lady and tries to handwave her scary story by saying she once told him the sky is blue because they lived in a giants eye and Bran says "maybe we do" lmao is this what flatearthers said back when everyone thought the world was flat so they could still be edgy (j/k we knew the earth was round for like 5000 years you dumb tinfoil retards) and whoever this nicer brother comes to ask Bran if he really fell but Bran's claiming he is and starts saying he'd rather be dead than unable to walk I guess he's smart enough to know that spilling the beans will just cause ever unfolding violence but him being alive will just endanger everyone close to him if he's been told about the assassin sent for him or maybe he's just worried they'll assume he's told more and more for as long as he's alive and will be more and more likely to turn on them
then we see the dude with the pigtails neckbeard is consoling Lady Stark in Kingslanding because she doesn't want to be noticed around there from all the drama with Ned's brother and CIA I assume but some guards arrive to escort them into the city uh oh and it is CIA that sent for her who sends some thots away it looked like he was educating or something and he's like oh Cat! but she replies "you little worm!" and throws his note at her lmao oh yeah that's right his name is Wormtongue or is that the dude from LOTR idk all the same gay nerd shit and she starts ranting "you take me for some back alley sally you can drag into a-" and then another of his whores and a john come out with her tits out he has to snap to leave lmao awkwaaaaard and another moment that will shock no one but boomer americans and like 11 year old boys whos parents don't let him on the computer or have a phone to jerk off to when he gets the DVDs if anyone even does that anymore
and it turns our the castrated baldy Varys told him she was coming and asks about the assassins dagger which he heard about from his "little birdies" which I assume he means spies but maybe intercepting actual birds because I think hes like the royal spymaster or something that handles all their intelligence agency shit, so ironically he is the CIA not CIA, and he's probably the one who sent the assassin in the first place, but he claims not to know, and CIA mocks him for finally knowing something he doesn't, maybe foreshadowing that no, he does know, since it seems out of character to not already know everything, and he admits it's actually his that he lost betting on Jaime in jousting, ok I guess they don't always fight to the death and I guess he does just change his armor when he loses a fight lel, and CIA claims Tyrion was the one who won it, which is an obvious frame job since Tyrion is smart enough not to give an assassin a one-of-a-kind blade, damn detective work was hard for all of human history before you could just follow CCTV footage and read smartphone records and know a criminals entire life inside and out lmao
then we see Jon training with the other knight watchmen to serve at The Wall and the CO guy taunts Jon for being a posh tit who thinks hes better than them but he manages to beat every other guy he sends at him, is it just me or are these big heavy swords shit weapons? I'd rather have a knife or an axe or something I can quickly swing at someone rather than heave this big thing around you could easily avoid and counter, but maybe they're moving so slow because they have heavy chainmail and leather armor on from the cold weather or something, heh bet I could beat him with my katana which is clearly superior nippon steel folded one thousand times and then we see the general giving Tyrion a note he got for Jon but seemingly didn't give to him
and we cut to Jon getting a note with presumably the same news and CIA comes up acting all smug like he already knows its contents and takes him, to his surprise, to see his wife who, to his even worse surprise, CIA has stashed in one of the whorehouses he owns lmao, and Ned grabs him by the throat up against a wall and tells him "you're a funny man" thinking he took him across the city just to make a joke about his wife being a whore lmao and is about to choke him out no matter how much the soyboy scrambles to pull his hand off since the silvertongued CIA is at the disadvantage of not being able to talk at all until Cat pokes her head out and Neds like wtf yeah don't prank Ned he wont wait for you to tell him where the camera is bro
then back at The Wall or whatever some other new recruits attack Jon for embarrassing them in training but Tyrion walks in and very casually as if he's just boasting about the size of his dick or something says they have interesting faces as if to disarm them with confusion first so they're not as riled up when he threatens them and then drops "I wonder if they'd look good on pikes outside Kingslanding? I could write to my sister about it..." and they get the hint and back off telling him they'll see him later and Jon tanks Tyrion for at least being honest about what a shithole The Wall is because he feels Ned abandoned him by letting him go up there by Tyrion tells him the guys who just attacked him have sob stories too, one was abandoned by his father and the other was arrested for stealing cheese for his starving sister and was offered losing a hand or signing up, except they didn't have the privilege of growing up in a royal family, and the guys look like he's glad he's being reasonable to them and Jon might be an arrogant prick but he feels rejected by the world just like them as if Tyrion knows just what to say to defuse the tension between them so they can both have some compassion for each other
then back at Kingslanding CIA is warning the Starks it'd be considered treason to accuse Tyrion and he'd just claim the dagger was stolen, I guess this is him manipulating them into using more underhanded methods to deal with this rather than announce to the whole world what they think is happening since he knows Tyrion is smart enough to realize it was him and is also smart enough to fuck with him back, and Cat assures Ned that CIA is "like a little brother to me, he'd never betray my trust" yeah I bet he is, in this royal family at least, and CIAs got them in such a spot that Cat is left thanking him for being such a good friend (lmao friendzoned!!!) and saying she wont forget this and him getting to just tell them don't tell anyone about this, this dude, Tyrion and Cersei all rule and are the most interesting part of the show but I understand how we need to see the dumbasses they manipulates lives too to get the full picture
then we see Jaime turn up at Cersei's bedroom and it seems he was the one who sent the assassin, possibly on CIAs advisement, and thinks its no big deal since "I think we can outfox a ten year old" kek and just flippantly says he'll go to war with Ned if he has to, which he already seems to be wanting to do anyway because he's an insecure vain Chad who cant take some banter, and he says "maybe they'll write a ballad about us, The War For Cersei's Cunt" HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA and Cersei looks like she's thinking she needs to reassert herself and slaps him but he just grabs her and holds her tight and she cries to be let go thinking he's about to get raped but Jaime starts muttering about how he'd kill the boy, all the Starks and the whole world until their the only ones left and she just endures the discomfort of being treated like a piece of property by her brother because it's in her best interest to keep him that insanely devoted to her than have someone so petty and impulsive getting angry at her
then outside we see the Starks talking about how Cat needs to leave while Ned finds evidence and they mention ah his name is Littlefinger ok I wonder what that's in reference to his fucking DICK maybe since he's stuck in the friendzone worse than comic!Thanos
and we see the king, who's weirdly one of the most underwritten characters despite being the centre piece to all the other like 20 odd characters lives who's only character so far is he's lazy and can't be dealing with any interpersonal or bureaucratic drama, and he talks to some general guy about how it's been so many years but he remembers every face and asks him who was his first and how he did it and I thought he was talking about having sex with women at first but the general replies "lance through the heart" and the king replies "quick one, lucky... for you" lmao nice Baneposting reference there DnD which is interesting that the king has enough honesty to admit his first kill was unpleasant for him but as he tells the story of killing a young man with a war hammer in the battle it seems he came to power from he laughs at how he "they never mention how they always shit themselves, they never put that in the songs" but by the end of it he's lost the humor of it and looks grim again and starts ranting about how if only this guy was smart he'd still be alive with a wife making him miserable, ingrate sons and having to wake 3 times a night to piss into a bowl getting more and more mad like he's just ranting about his own life as if he wishes he'd just died in a glorious battle rather than have this boring stressful life idk who this actor is but he's pretty great and when he barks for wine he starts mocking his servants name, Lancel Lannister, lmao more like Incel Lannister as this dweeby looking guy just stands there taking the king chewing him out for letting the wine run out, and he tells him to bring his cousin in there, but when he opens the door Jaime is already there standing with his back away and his arm on his sword in his fancy armor looking like some edgy anime character as he turns to smugly look at his brother in law as the king laments "ugh surrounded by Lannisters, every time I close my eyes I see their blonde hair and smug smiles" and starts trying to wind up Jaime by calling him "Kingslayer" and about now being his sentry as his king "eats and drinks and shits and fucks" and eggs him on to tell about his first kill "not counting old men" lmao and he starts reminiscing about glories of the past with the general guy and the king gets miffed that these two clearly respect each other more than him so starts asking him about killing the Mad King asking what his last words were and Jamie stares off into the distances with a maybe put on thousand-yard-stare to try to hammer home what a burden his mighty heroism must be especially when compared to the listless current king "he said what he'd been saying for hours... burn them all" and the kings face falls in a great way as this little piece of trivia works on him and he realizes he cant talk shit because his decision was popular and this guy who's now guarding his bedchambers is a real nigga who'd have no problem mercing him too if he thought it'd benefit him and Jaime smugly asks "if there's anything else your Grace?" and gets no reply so just struts out as the king glares after him as if he's thinking "fuck, another prick to look out for" lmao what a Chad
then we cut to the Dothraki riding through what looks like a massive bamboo forrest as Dany asks her orbiter if they buy their slaves but he says they dont believe in money, fucking communists no wonder they're homeless savages, most of them were given as gifts to cities trying to appease them when they turn up but sometimes if the men are too weak, the women are too ugly or they just haven't had a good fight in a while... presumably its rape and pillaging time and when Dany sees a warrior on a horse whipping a slave she starts testing to see how much authority she has as the queen by commanding the caravan to stop presumably with the intention of maybe one day stopping their enslaving and war mongering ways but she also says she's not a queen she's a Kalesee or whatever their word for queen is as she understands she's going to have to integrate into their culture if she's going to gain any respect from them, I feel like maybe this character arc is a bit rushed, maybe she's just a strong willed person but it's not very engaging to only find out about this as she's gaining control in her arranged marriage within the second or third episode, maybe that could have been shown before hand or have her be a little bit more helpless for longer before she more gradually starts gaining the will and knowledge on how to turn her situation around, since so far it just seems like Aquaman's a retarded meathead and not much to overcome for someone seemingly as resourceful and smart as Dany and also you'd think if she was this brave and cunning she might have employed these traits before being sold off into marriage by her dipshit brother and have found a way out of that, maybe we've verging into a bit of the ol, ya know... dare I say it... Mary Sue territory here
anyway then she wanders off into the bamboo forest to finally have some alone time but then HER BROTHER RIDES OUT, grabs her throat and starts ranting and raving about how he's the king of the seven kingdoms and he doesn't take orders from savages or their sluts (pretty sure slut is not an appropriately old-timey slur but GRRM is too busy edging to his maledom fantasies to care I guess, hopefully some black characters get called the n-word at some stage)
but then without a sound for forced dramatic effect a horse riding warrior thwaps a whip around his throat and pulls him down and asks through a translater if she wants him dead and she *immediately* says no, probably because he's her best chance of getting out of there or keeping respect not out of any affection, and the warrior says arrogantly but still in this made-up language (even though everyone speaks English for some reason, why not just have these people speak actual Mongolian or something?) that she should take an ear off him to teach respect but she begs for him not to be hurt and the beta orbiter guy looks at her sympathetically and she gets the hint that these savages don't have any respect for begging for mercy so she instead says more forcefully that she doesn't want him harmed as more of an order and the warrior is confused as to why you'd show mercy to someone who just had a sword to you but lets him go and the uppity fuckboy brother orders the orbiter who I guess is his general or something to kill "these Dothraki dogs" and he just looks at the warrior who looks back at him like "what?" like he didn't even do anything wrong and her brother starts having a complete tanty at the orbiter guy for ignoring his order who them just completely ignores him like he's so obviously right her brother wont even do shit about it once he calms down and he picks up his sword in a huff and storms back to his horse but the warrior has taken its reigns and orders him to walk lmao absolutely cucked
then back at The Wall, which is a location that's very visually drab and boring and not as comfy as the nice more elaborate and renaissance ish architecture and southern European weather in Kingslanding which I much prefer spending time in, Jon is taking ye olde elevator that's powered entirely by one guy pushing a crank lmao all the way up to the top, to see his friend who kind of looks like if Kylo Ren had a kid with Jon Hamm to even out his ugliness and they look out over the back of The Wall and talks about some disturbing reports they've been having but refuses to take Jon with him because "here, a man gets what he earns, when he earns it" which I take it means he either gets respect when he shows he deserves it or he's going to get fucked up if he keeps acting arrogant because there's no privileges to hide behind in this tough barren shithole hundreds of miles away from civilization, watching this fucking show is a lot of work since everyone talks in fucking parables and you have to constantly be thinking of all the different things it applies to fugging ell
and inside Tyrion is buttering up some guy by letting him joke about how he once had to eat a bears balls to survive up here and when he asks the strangest thing he's ever eaten he gets the answer "do Dornish girls count?" I guess this is the best representation for Little People™ you could get since not only is he a well written relatively likeable character he's also a Chad who lays mad pipe too lmao but Jons friend comes in getting uppity about Tyrion thinking they're just an army of jesters to a Lannister like him and he just snaps back that they don't have enough men for an army and only Yoren here is particularly funny as if just to signal that he wont be challenged just because of his size and the dude seems to realize he's not going to be able to shove this guy around so backs off the aggression but still laments that 50% of the boys up there die for guys like him to live in luxury which Tyrion just makes a quip about to try and diffuse the situation and then starts trying to butter him up too saying how much respect he has but the guy calls him out for bullshitting him as if no amount of slick talking will distract from the facts of both their lifestyles so he changes tactics and says he respects them... but... there's no white walkers or giants or ghouls behind The Wall and the only difference between them and the Wildlings is that their ancestors happened to be on the wrong side when The Wall went up as if he's starting to play him at his own ye olde SJW game of whining about privilege when he's the one making sure a bunch of impoverished people stay trapped in a frozen tundra and the dude admits hes right but then adds that there's more than just the Wildlings out there and storms off which Tyrion laughs off as soon as he's gone as if he's letting this guy think he's asserted himself successfully to him so he wont give him any trouble but also appearing like he can take anything as a joke like the new friend he's making so he's keeping both of them on his good side when otherwise he'd probably have been punked out and looked like an asshole to both of them
then we see Dany getting her hair braided by her handmaiden who she's getting language lessons from and since this show can't go one scene without an awkward sex reference she starts groping Dany's breast and asking when she last bled and it hits her that uh oh... she's pregnant!
and then we see the orbiter guy talking to the warrior guy about how their slashing curved weapons are good for horseback attacks but they need a piercing weapon like his sword to fight the men in plate armor, as if answering my previous question about why people swing about these huge steel fuckers at each other, and he mentions how his father was a warrior too but he betrayed him and they get interrupted by the handmaiden demanding the warrior go hunt for Dany suggesting dog if he has to but the orbiter guy says she wouldn't want to eat dog lol not even the medieval people in this show are as backwards as modern day Chinese but she spills the beans that Dany is preggers and the warrior comments "a blessing from the great stallion" yeah you can say that alright heheheh but I guess that's their deity, and the orbiter says he needs to leave and makes an edgy comment before leaving that their hoard is easy to find as if to imply he's le master tactician that's always keeping battle strategies on his mind
then we see Tyrion watching Jon training with those guys who attacked him again but this time they're having fun and Jon's giving them constructive criticism they accept and they give a smile to each other as if he knows he has Tyrion to thank for manipulating them all to get along which is a nice counterpoint to all the other manipulating characters like Cersei and CIA who only hurt other people with their manipulations and he goes to talk to some old blind seeming guy who starts ranting about how Winter Is Coming™ and the commander guy lets him know about the reports they got on the White Walkers and I guess this guy wasn't blind he just likes staring off into space and he warns the Nights Watch is in shambles and cant stand up to an attack and they plead with him to get the king to send reinforcements
then back with Dany we see her laying next to Aquaman, with what looks like the indentation from a modern day underwire bra on her side lel or maybe a scar from heart surgery or something idk I'm a virgin and she starts buttering him up talking about how she knows it's a boy and making out with him
then back at The Wall Tyrion is pissing off the side of it lmao and if you look closely you can see yeah for a dude standing in the freezing cold he does have a pretty big flaccid dick for his size although I assume its not the actors real dick and he makes a comment to Jon about how "its either me or this cold, and its not leaving" to explain why he's leaving and I'm just so used to the double entendre way of speaking I thought he was trying to say his dick is usually bigger and trying to blame it on the cold rather than his own usual size or something sulis and they lament Bran being crippled before shaking hands goodbye, hopefully Jon isn't quarantined from the narrative up at The Wall for the next 7 seasons like its starting to feel like Dany is going to be
then back in Kingslanding some Bob Ross looking swarthy afro fuck appears calling Arya "boy", uh excuse me dont misgender that hunchback of notre dame girl, with a wacky ass accent to train Arya to swordfight I assume on the behest of Ned, and he says the usual retarded flowery shit about how the sword needs to be part of your arm and men are made of water or something because if you stick them they leak I guess he's accidentally right humans are like 95% water or something and Ned looks on proud that she's confident enough to get into it but then his face starts to fall as he gets some like fucking PTSD flashbacks of war and we just get the audio of men yelling and metal clanging as he remembers their lifestyle aint no fucking game and getting her into this will probably just end with her dead in a bloody battle, little does he know that she became a ridiculously OP blind ninja or some shit lmao, alright that was a pretty boring episode, nothing too edgy or violent happened it was just a bunch of scheming and elaborating on relationships more onto the next one
Game of Thrones 1x04: "Cripples, Bastards, and Broken Things"
the twin towers special edition
First aired: May 8, 2011
in a I presume flashback or maybe more likely from the lonely atmosphere a dream we see Bran following a crow into a walkway that turns to look at him to reveal it has THREE EYES that I'm sure will come into play later, then he wakes up and his edgier brother comes in and demands he come visit someone called Rob with him and he calls in fan favorite braindamaged numpty Hodor who's this big fat guy who waddles in and replies "Hodor?" and picks Bran up I already know why he says that and it's so dumb I doubt it was originally in the books it seems like something an idiot who wants to make a clever reveal on a tv show would come up with
then we see Tyrion talking to Rob who I guess is Ned's oldest son since he's in command while he's away and this must be weeks later for him to be back down home and he laments seeing Bran get carried in by this big hulking tard and starts to ask him about what happened to him and an old guy claims he cant remember anything so he asks Hodor to kneel but he doesn't respond until Bran orders him to so I guess he's totally loyal to the Stark family that he wouldn't even take a polite suggestion from a Lannister and he tries to cheer him up by saying he can still ride and tries to bond over him also being disabled before handing over a diagram for a special harness he just invented himself it seems which shows hes pretty damn smart and Rob is being a prick and asks if this is some sort of trick but Tyrion just says he "has a soft spot in my heart for cripples, bastards and broken things" which is nice even though he just assured Bran that he's not a cripple lel and Bran gives him his first smile since waking and Rob tries to play nice but Tyrion just struts out saying he'll go to a brothel instead of staying here lmao
and outside one of the brothers or cousins or whatever the fuck with the last name Greyjoy who I know a certain bad thing happens to him later comes out to suggest he sees a redhead hooker called Ros lol and Tyrion can tell he doesn't like Rob in charge so ribs him a bit on it to get him thinking they have a common rival so he'll be more open to share the real goss on what's been going on here and Greyjoy tries to lie for them but Tyrion sees is instantly and starts mocking him for being the last Greyjoy and now just a lackey and we get some history on how the Greyjoys tried to rebel against the Lannisters but their only victory was burning a bunch of their sailors alive in their ships and now Greyjoys brothers are all dead and he's his enemy's squire so I guess he's a cuckboy slave for the entire story lmao and Tyrion seems to realize he's not going to get anything from him because all he has left is being loyal to the Starks, quips about being a disappointment to his father too, tosses him a coin for his next go on Ros and promises to try not to wear her out and rides off like a pimp as Greyjoy stands there miffed he got memed on by a midget
then back at dull central The Wall we see Jon training with the lads again when this fat as fuck neckbeard new recruit waddles up sweating falling over his words and saying he's there to take the black (uniform I assume, not cock) and one of the lads quips "YEAH COME TO TAKE THE BLACK PUDDING XD" lmao fucking fat shamed, this dude looks like he'd be wearing a fedora if they were invented yet sulis, but they're in such a state that the CO will take anyone they can get and they has them spar with him and one of the lads immediately thumps him down with his sword, that I assume is some blunt training sword since it doesnt cut him, and the fatty starts whining "I wield! please no more!" pathetically lmao and the CO orders him to hit him until he finds his feet and he yelps in pain and fear as the CO calls him a squealing pig lmao and Jon steps in to help him and the CO says "looks like the bastards in love" uh excuse me it's 420AD or whatever you cant make homophobic jokes anymore so then the CO orders the other two lads to try and attack the fatty again if they can get through Jon who then kicks their ass even though they say they dont want to fight him with the last one yielding almost right away like a little bitch too, and the fatty introduces himself to Jon as Sam but both him and one of the lads admonish him for not fighting back and he just admits straight up that he's a coward and then waddles off with his ill fitting armor as the lads immediately start fighting each other over if they should even talk to him or not and Jon just looks at them like holy fuck this place is a shitshow lmao
then in some fucking Africa looking hillside the Dothraki arrive at their what passes for their capital city and the dickhead brother starts whining that it's just "a pile of mud and shit and twigs" but Dany gets offended about the way he talks about "my people" but he claims they're his people because they're his army and gets huffy that they're marching the wrong way yeah from gif files from back when they still made those I know he hasn't thought this shit through and Dany asks the orbiter guy if the Dothraki could really take whatever the fantasy UK is called that I forgot already and he says the fatass king is stupid enough to take them head on and lose but the men advising him that he used to fight alongside with are considerably smarter and Dany admonishes him for selling slaves and he blames his wife for being too expensive lmao and then he admits that she's now "in another place with another man" lmao so not only is he orbiting Dany, he was a beta bux and now a cuck, nice, got the soyboy trifecta going on there
then we see the brother taking a bath with some whore, I cant even tell if she's Dany's handmaiden who taught her how to ride dick since white people all look the same, and she's flirting with him about how they say he has dragon blood in his veins and he tells her about how when dragons used to be roaming around his ancestors rode them and their fire forged the iron throne out of their enemies fallen swords and that's why it's rightfully his and she talks about how she'd love to see one because they're so free and can burn away anyone that tries to hurt them and as she says this she drips some hot wax on his completely hairless chest much to his surprise but kinky enjoyment and this dickheads idea of flirting is saying she'd be glad to see just the sky after 12 years in a whorehouse and she effortlessly puts up with him and says shes seen loads of things like a man who can change his face like other men change their clothes, I assume shes referring to these like shapeshifting assassins or some shit I've seen in some later episode when shit gets a lot less high quality and the brother confesses hes never seen a dragon because they've all died but he tries to impress her by talking about how the iron throne room used to have huge dragon skulls on display and she takes his dick and puts it inside her as he starts listing all their wacky fantasy names because she's so turned on by dragons she needs to fuck right then and there or more likely knowing this show has an ulterior motive to be asking about access to dragon relics because she asks about where they are now but he realizes somethings going on and is like wtf did I buy you for to make him sad about how dragons are dead and his family aren't in charge anymore and she says "uh to teach your sister..." because it seems he instructed her to tell Dany how to ride dick lmao and he laughs that she thinks he did that to make Aquaman happy and tells her to just get on with it and she starts riding his dick again but now with her a lot more awkward and him less flustered as if he's not comfortable having sex with a woman who can be in control enough to please him he just wants to be able to be in control of her even if its not as pleasurable and I guess the implication here is he hired her to teach Dany how to ride dick because he's planning on having her back from Aquaman and fucking her himself or something lmao ok good stuff
then back in the iron throne room some nun woman or whatever is bigging up Sansa that her husband and maybe one day son will sit on that throne and Sansa asks what if she only has girls and the nun says then the throne would pass to Joffrey's little brother who I don't think we've even seen yet but her main concern is Joffrey doesn't like her now and the nun lady tries to distract her with her trivia lessons but Sansa realizes this is where her grandfather and uncle were murdered by the Mad King and the nun lady tells her to talk to her father about it who she still hasn't forgiven for slitting her dogs throat lmao
then we cut to Ned who looks like he's about to pass out from the stress of his life as the head of security is reporting the city is being shitted up by all the people flooding in there for the tournament they cant fund thanks to the fatass kings socialist money policies lmao and Ned orders CIA to pay for 50 more men for him to keep the peace and as the guy leaves Ned starts nervously drinking like he's about to be sick from all this bullshit and CIA and Varys start trying to convince him the tourney is actually good for the economy from all the tourists which is what people say to try to justify spending billions of tax payer money on the royal family in the real world UK too lmao and Ned just gives in and excuses them but he catches one elderly and asks about the last Kings Hand who died from illness... surprisingly fast... and this was in ye olden times where people just got sick and died for no reason so it'd probably be pretty easy to poison someone and get away with it and the old man says he came to him before he died asking for a book and tries to dissuade Ned from bothering with it maybe because he knows sniffing up the same street as the last guy might end him up with the same ate but Ned persists and it turns out to be a book about the family trees of the seven royal families of the realm and he takes a look at it and reads some long ass fucking family tree shit that is the very reason I'm never going to read the bible or finish LOTR cus this shit is boring AF and the old man admits it's "a ponderous read" lmao but Ned's still pondering if he was murdered and floats the idea that poison is a woman's weapon and the old man says "women, cravens... and eunuch... did you know lord Varys is a eunuch?" I get the impression that he's giving Varys to him because it WASN'T him, he just wants to distract Ned since he knows if Ned gets onto the real culprits they'll fucking kill him just for having this conversation
then Ned leaves with this huge book and finds Arya standing on one foot at the top of some stairs as part of her training and next up is catching cats lmao and they talk about how Bran can still have a future in power without being a warrior now he's crippled and she wants to do that shit too but not only does succession to thrones skip women but they cant even get a shitty castle architect job and he tells her she'll get to marry a high lord and rule his castle instead and its her sons that get to be knights which is a theme with Cersei that she can never have true power herself from just being born female so shes trying to live vicariously through her son but Arya isn't too keen on that and goes back to her standing on one foot training and Ned lets himself admire her for just a brief second without worrying about when reality will inevitably come crashing down ontop of her
then back at boring central The Wall we see Jon standing guard ontop of it when the fatass comes waddling up to be his new partner but admits his eyesight isnt too good and he's scared of heights lmao he'd definitely be a neckbeard in our world and Jon's like wtf is a man like you doing up here and he admits that on his 18th birthday his dad basically said you're not worthy of inheriting our land so you either join the Watch or you'll have a little hunting accident... or so I'll tell your mother, lmao I bet it turns out he's a child molester or some shit for his dad to hate him that much, and he starts greeting and gurning about how he doesn't want to fight again but Jon jokes with him that at least its impossible for him to get any worse and he laughs for the first time yep guessing something horrible will happen to him
then back in Kingslanding CIA has already heard of Ned's investigations and since it seems like he is most likely the one doing all of Jaime and Cersei's dirty black ops shit for them he starts sending Ned onto the trail of someone called Ser Hugh but he points out a little boy and warns Ned that he's one of Varys' "little birds" yeah I bet he molests them despite having no balls lis and he calls him "the spider" as of he has a web that reaches everywhere and then he points out a gardener and says he's a spy that belongs to the queen and then a septa, I guess a nun, who's reading, and Ned asks Varys or the queen? and he goes no... shes one of mine! super smugly lmao he literally is CIA and there's some well done foreboding mysterious music as CIA asks him if there's anyone he trusts above all, and he says yes, and he says "the wiser answer would be no", but then sends him to talk to Ser Hugh instead... and then an armoror because he hears he went to see him, and Ned apologizes for distrusting him but CIA says "distrusting me is the wisest thing you've done since coming off your horse" with a cocky smirk and then struts away this fucking actor sure does overdo it in everything I've seen him in and it's a bit on the nose this guy is acting super smug about how untrustworthy he is if his whole shtick is manipulating people but I guess he's just so good at it he's gotten too big an ego but I do like this them of Ned who's used to how they do it up North being very all-cards-on-the-table about everything where you just do your mans duty and carry out every decision you make by yourself so the whole world can see you're a straight shooter but in the big capital city everyone's got some proxy to hire a proxy to hire a proxy to backstab some cunt to get their way
then we see some guy working in the tournament area being constructed with the very scientific measuring method of counting his paces up and down a jousting track when one of Ned's guards comes up and calls him Ser Hugh but he just brushes him off for not being a knight like him and then later Ned's man relays this to him and he basically says hes probably a pussy who's never seen an arrow coming at him so they go to the armoror who says the previous Hand was only there to talk to his assistant who's a surprisingly blunt fellow who tells Ned the helmet hes making is for himself and isn't for sale much to his masters distress but Ned likes it and then inquires what they were talking about and he admits he was asking about his mother for some reason even though she died when he was little and Ned finds this rightfully weird and demands the boy look at him but he just looks sad to be thinking about his dead mum so he believes him and lets him go and Ned cant tell not only is has this kid got big balls to talk to the Kings Hand like that but he's doing it out of self-respect not any disrespect to him so tells the blacksmith guy if he ever wants to wield a sword instead of making them send him to him as guys with the decent kind of courage like that are rare to come by and when his man asks him whats up he says he found the current fatass kings bastard son ah I guess that's why he was looking him in the eyes to tell if he was lying but also maybe looking for a family resemblance
then we see Jaime standing guard outside the fatasses chambers when the guard comes up with a message from Ned but Jaime is busy listening intently to the king fucking whores lmao and demands the other man guess how many women he has in there and starts grumbling about how he makes him stand guard when he does this and "insults his sister" so hes mad that the king's NOT fucking his sister/lover what a cuck it seems like Jaime just has a chip on his shoulder and is eager to find a grievance with any other powerful man probably has a share of the ol daddy issues and then a whore awkwardly runs out and Ned's guard tries to get down to business but Jaime wont stop being a prick to him but he seems used to coddling the egos of powerful men so brings up that they met before at a battle and Jaime calms down from reminiscing about his past glorious fights and of some guy charging at the Greyjoys with a flaming sword and Jaime mentions that seeing, ah yes that's his name, Theon, who know lives with the Starks for some reason, was like "seeing a shark on a mountain top" I guess he did a bit of the ol war crimes or something, and then another two whores get sent out with even more heard from inside and the minion guy looks annoyed as if he can tell he's lost Jaime's co-operation now he's triggered again but tries to give him the message anyway and Jaime just snaps that he doesn't serve Stark and he walks off leaving Jaime to sit there fuming for probably no reason since I doubt the king thinks he cares that much about his loyalty to his sister since it's probably only a political marriage in the first place to the king its probably just a prank bro and doesn't know Jaime is the ye olde version of a grievance collector who thinks every little awkward thing to happen is someone out to get him for no reason and his only outlet is going about killing people in war so he'd probably be the kind of person to take a gun to work one day in the modern world
then back at boring central the other lads are teasing Jon about having to work with Sam but he admonishes them for joking about his weight and insists they don't hurt him anymore and the resident asshole behind him turns around and calls him gay again and says he'll slice him off some bacon so the solution to this is that night Jon and his two mates, who formally tried to murder him lmao, ambush the asshole guy in his sleep with a fucking albino wolf growling down at him at first I thought it was Sam they were ambushing and they were going to take him outside at night and force him to train to toughen him up so he can face up to the bullies or something but no they're just going to let him be a useless gimp until he gets someone killed and then the next day the OC guy is making the bully guy fight Sam and the bully just like super weak taps him on the shoulder obviously telegraphing it and stewing in frustration that he cant do anything to him with Jon watching but this fatass is so useless he cant even dodge it when hes not even trying and is going to get his ass eaten by a wolf or something but the CO can tell hes throwing and shoves him away and orders one of Jon's friends to spar with him and the guy lets fatty get a free shot in his arm and the CO can instantly tell whats going on and grabs Jon and starts lecturing them all about how this aint a fucking game and when they're out beyond the Wall they better have a man at their back and not some snivelling boy and storm off I feel like that could have been a way edgier speech there where he rants about Wildlings cannibilizing them and going for fatty first or some shit but he just leaves it at that
then back at the Dothraki "city" Dany's shithead brother storms into her tent dragging the handmaiden by her hair ranting about how she sent him to give him orders and this dumb thot admits in front of him while crying to Dany that she did what she asked and she has her other handmaiden taking her out and bleeding heart libcuck Dany asks why he hit her and he just starts having a tantrum fucking throwing her wedding gifts at her and insisting he wont be turned into a savage idk what he's so triggered about ah I guess it was Danny that sent the girl to ask about dragons because she took an interest in those eggs and I think it's to do with her pregnancy maybe she heard some weird myths about their family's bloodline being able to birth dragons or something and he's triggered she'd send someone to manipulate him and Dany seems to have started to genuinely respect their culture because shes defending it to him or maybe shes just trying to wind him up into laying hands on her knowing she can get him into trouble with the Dothraki or some shit and yep there we go he slaps her so hard she falls over and he starts going on about how "you are a horselords slut and now you've awoken the dragon!" lmao "woken the dragon" this guy would be a fucking weeaboo if he was alive now adays and I take it he's talking about his fucking BONER here because he gets ontop of her like hes going to rape her but it's more like he's a dumb little kid play fighting with his sister or something because she slaps him across the face with a chain and he rolls over and cringes in pain like hes such a bitchboy and Dany stands up for herself, literally, and says "I am a Khaleesi of the Dothraki! I am the wife of the great Khal and I carry his son inside me! the next time you raise a hand to me... will be the last time you have hands!" and wew laddy does Emelia overdo the facial expressions or maybe that's just how her face naturally emotes because she does it in everything lmao and the actor for her bitchboy brother does a better job of conveying what a pathetic coward he is as he looks terrified that this tiny woman has finally stood up for herself and wont let him push her around and presumably sexually abuse her anymore
then back at boring central Sam and Jon are cleaning the mess hall as he whines about the officers going to brothels while they have to be celibate and insists even though hes fat "I likes girls just as much as you do! even though they might not like me as much... I've never been with one" lmao he's ye olde incel XD and Jon actually admits that... JONS A VIRGIN TOO!!! much to Sams disbelief and he confesses that once he was alone with a young gorgeous woman, actually the local whore Ros everyone has been praising (and having a go on), (oh my fucking god I just realized that to AMERICANS this constant talk of prostitution is SUPER EDGY lmao I just completely accepted at face value that of course they talk about prostitutes it's a ye olden setting because I'm not a puritanical retard but no Americans think this shit is as boundary pushing as it gets even though it's literally legal in a lot of the first world and even in one of their own states and you're probably a megabrainlet if you don't understand prostitution will always be a fact of life since sex will always have value put on it like it literally happens in same-sex prisons with people who'd swear they were straight, monkeys do it when introduced the concept of money, fucking wild penguins do it on their own accord with rocks to build nests, you could try to stop it by killing every person on Earth and when you put the gun to the last person's head they'll still say "hey I'll suck you off if you let me live") and this cringy virgin Sam starts asking all the details saying he loves redheads and asking about her *motions to his own huge tits* but Jon explains he couldn't do it because he never met his own mother and she could have been a whore for all he knows and what if he got her pregnant then his son would just be another bastard called Snow like him and Sam breaks the tension by saying "so... you didn't know where to put it?" and they start playfighting like little kids when the CO guy walks in and is like "enjoying yourselves?" and starts grilling them about how soft they are with this fatass standing by the fire in-doors and Jon growing up with servants to keep his castle warm and starts lecturing about how he spent 6 months beyond the Wall last winter where if you just took your glove off to find your cock to have a piss a finger would freeze off and how eating the fallen horses was easy... but not once they had to start eating their own fallen... and he says if only they had a couple of boys like them along and he walks right up to Sam and goes "yeah a fat boy like you, woulda lasted a fortnight on just you" lmao there we go there was almost beat for beat the speech I was surprised he didn't give before at the training down to the cannibalism thank you edgy writers
then back with the Dothraki in this so far completely quarantined storyline Dany is shocked she struck her brother but the orbiter guy tells her hes no dragon he's just a snake but Dany still believes the bullshit that nobleman was peddling about how the common man wants him to be the true king which he calls bullshit on saying the common man prays for food and health not what games the highlords play which is true the average person doesn't give a fuck about politics as long as they can still go buy bread and only start to care when they cant even in 2019 and ok his name is Jorah I will stop calling him an orbiter says he wishes he could go home and Dany realizes that's what she wants too but she knows her brother is far too incompetent to fullfill his dreams of ending their exile by conquering the 7 kingdoms even if her husband gives him his army I guess this is only now her realizing that not only does she not want her brother to be king not only do the people not want him but he cant even actually manage it since he can't even rape her if she fights back lmao
then back in Kingslanding where all the best bits are we see king fatass looking bored and grumpy sipping from a horn on a throne next to Cersei who looks like she just read someone saying Emilia Clark was a better Sarah Connor than her Joffrey who looks like he's about to do a school shooting, the two younger kids who look bored as fuck and The Hound who's standing so rigidly he's like that meme of the feelsguy who's awkward at a party
and just wants to be at home sharpening his sword and this is overlooking the jousting tournament and Sansa smiles up at Joffrey from the stands but he just looks away in a huff and CIA comes lurking up like a snake and asks "lovers quarrel?" as he sees a new point of weakness to ingratiate himself into and he introduces himself as an old friend of the family, yeah an old friendzoned of the family, and Arya immediately blurts out like the little autist she is "why do they call you Littlefinger?" and he says it's just because when he was little he came from a place called the fingers and that was just his "extraordinarily clever nickname" as if it pisses him off people far stupider than him gave him that embarrassing title that still sticks if the story was even true that is and then the king screams START THE JOUST BEFORE I PISS ME SELF! as he's completely smashed already
and Cersei gets so fed up she just storms out and then Sansa spots a Big Guy For You riding up in a full suit of armor and asks who he is and since those are CIAs speciality he says hes Ser Gregor Clegane... THEY CALL HIM THE MOUNTAIN
and this dude opens his faceplate Iron Man style to reveal I think the first of like four actors to portray this huge 7 feet tall fucker and he bows to the king as CIA adds that he's The Hounds older brother, wonder if he was the one that burned half his face two-face style, and his opponent was the last kings hands squire or something and the king says "enough of the bloody pomp, have it him!" lmao this guy is like /tv/ that just wants non-stop fight scenes in their shows and then they go to the opposite ends and start charging at each other and The Mountain strikes at the squire but misses but on the ssecond try THE MOUNTAIN JOUSTS THE SQUIRE STRAIGHT IN THE NECK AND A SHARD OF HIS WOODEN WEAPON SPLINTERS INTO HIS THROAT
much to everyone in the crowds shock and as the dude lays there bleeding out Sansa and Arya react with shock and CIA tries to contain his joy for seeing dumber men kill each other and regales Sans with the tail of The Hound and The Mountain about how when he was just a pup his older brother was already a big lad (FOR YOU!!!!)already with a bit of a reputation, and one night Gregor caught him playing with one of his own toy knight so wordlessly HE HELD HIS LITTLE BROTHERS FACE INTO THE FIRE PLACE ok that's going to have to be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 8 from me dog holy shit and we see The Hound watching The Mountain gallop off as if he's simply used to seeing his brother kill and CIA warns Sansa not to spread that story or The Hound would come after her ah so this is why the obnoxious fanbase is obsessed with seeing these two fight
then we see Ned getting a visit from Cersei in his office to try to smooth things over with him but he's not buying it and asks what she's really there for and she asks him the same and he claims he's just there to help the king run the kingdom but she warns him he never fucking listens and you just have to clean up after him and he says so that's what he'll do and she seems amazed to realize he truly does not have any ulterior motive for his own power grabs or anything he's simply a soldier and then she pricks at him a little saying his older brother was the one trained to lead and he was trained just to follow and he fires back "I was also trained to kill my enemies.... your grace" lmao cheeky cunt and she just whispers "as was I" and walks out, edgy, I like it, and then Ned looks back down to the desk where if you were paying attention like I was since I'm good at watching tv shows is where that book was he's been researching as if he already has a feeling it might lead to her
then in a inn where the neckbeard pigtails guy and Cat are at they are bothered by a travelling musician seemingly trying to charm some money out of them and the beardy guy tries to get rid of them but then the door opens and Tyrion and some men arrives waving coins around to be able to take someones room from them and this obnoxious busking prick offers a song he turns down and then clocks Cat and outs her identity in front of the whole tavern, I'm not sure why possibly just to assert his control over her since it's getting a bit obvious their families might come into conflict soon, much to everyone's shock since it seems there's been some drama down south and she might not be safe there but being the strong woman she is she immediately stands up and starts identifying everyone in there and their family and how they're still "true and honest", a turn of phrase used by Chris Chan lmao, friends to her family and she's got Tyrion puzzled as to her play here and she just goes on showing she knows every honerable family down south and brings up a man who has the sigil of THE TWIN TOWERS of Frey lmao hopefully these people don't invent planes anytime soon and once she's confirmed she has everyone's respect she striaght up accuses Tyrion of conspiring to murder her boy of only 10 and then calls upon them to arrest him and Tyrion looks around like they're not actually going to... but then EVERY ARMED MAN IN THE BAR DRAWS THEIR SWORD ON THE LITTLE MANLET uh oh spaghettios well that episode was more of the same of last episode where not much edge happened although it flowed a lot nicer and did a good job of introducing us to new characters and their machinations
Game of Thrones 1x05: "The Wolf and the Lion"
ur mum m8 special edition
First aired: May 15, 2011
first we get a real nice shot of a castle that I can't recognize yet but I guess we're still at Kingslanding
and we see Ned toddling down to the tournament grounds that are getting cleaned up by some serfs and he goes to see the corpse of Ser Hugh and oh I didn't even realize that was the same guy lmao ok this show is too deep for me so I guess we can assume that CIA, presumably on behalf of Cersei, got The Mountain to kill him on purpose and make it look like just an unlucky jousting accident so Ned couldn't question him, although why put him onto him anyway if he was just going to kill him, I guess to make him look helpful and also set someone else up as trying to cover this up, maybe he even got the old man to float the idea that it was Varys or whatever his name is because that's who he's intending to frame because he's the only other believable spymaster guy who'd do shit like this and his biggest rival for most dodgy cunt in Kingslanding, anyway Ned is asking if Ser Hugh had a family but the guys stitching his corpse up say nah and then he notices he had new armor he'd never used before and the general guy says he's unlucky he drew straws to face The Mountain and Ned's like "yeah, but who holds the straws?" which is actually good metaphorical dialog because that sounds like a real thing someone would really say to cut to the chase of did someone literally holding the straws rig the draw but it also works as a metaphor for the rest of the show and live in general, e.g. you might think you're playing a fair game of random chance but then you're like oh yeah who set up this game the casino that I'm in that makes loads of money from retards like me never mind then or in his own personal case certain seemingly random things that are happening here and in his own life might not be so random afterall and he just needs to figure out who could cause them, and as they walk off the general guy namedrops tumblr's favorite game Life is Strange™ and Ned gives him probably the only genuine compliment we've heard so far that it is like how they used to be enemies in a war and he's glad he never had to fight him and the general guy brings up his respect for his father and how fucked up it was what the Mad King did to him but Ned gets uncomfortable and immediately changes the topic to the dead kids expensive armor and he suggests the last Kings Hand left him some money but I'm thinking it was probably set up by CIA to make sure he'd want to joust and he'd get the perfect seemingly accidental death in front of the whole city then the general guy brings up that the fatty king wants to joust and Ned's like oh fuckin ell m8
then we see the Lannister cousin trying to stap his obese master into some armor but it wont strap on and the king just says right in his face YOUR MOTHER WAS A WHORE WITH A FAT ARSE, DID YOU KNOW THAT? and when Ned comes in he stats admonishing his servant saying HES GOT ONE BALL AND NO BRAINS! but Ned just straight up says YOU'RE TOO FAT FOR YOUR ARMOR! and there's a great subtle reaction from the guy playing the servant where even though it's a wide shot and he's to the side he still gets this big shocked expression on his face like he's never heard anyone speak to his king like that and is expecting him to get beheaded or some shit and he looks in trepidation to the king to see how triggered he'll get and hes like FAT? FAT IS IT? IS THAT HOW YOU SPEAK TO YOUR KING? and Ned just tries to hide his smirk and the king laughs at some ribbing between two old friends but as soon as the servant laughs with them in relief the king turns to him and is like "oh... its funny is it?" and he automatically says "no your grace" and looks scared but then the kings like "no? you don't like the Hands joke?!" and he just stands there like a robot encountering a logical paradox like his mind is bluescreening
but Ned tells him to stop torturing the poor boy and the king snaps at him to go get the breastplate stretcher to send him running off and as soon as hes gone the king starts laughing again and Ned's like "the breastplate stretcher?" and the kings like "how long before he figures it out?" yeah I was wondering about that I guess this is his version of the prank they play in the Navy where they send new recruits to get non-existent things like white ink for the printer or some shit and I guess this is to establish that the king isn't actually a vindictive person who'd do anything to this kid he's just got an asshole sense of humor and he just likes busting his balls, or ball, like Hitler, and Ned joshes him that he needs to actually invent a breastplate stretcher and then tries to talk him out of going jousting by stating that no one would risk actually giving him a fair fight as if to make him think it wont be any fun and even though he rarely manipulates someone it seems to be working as the king sits down in a huff and orders Ned to drink wine even though he turns him down initially as if he's trying to get him into bed or something and then he drops some tidbits about how his squire is an idiot but Cersei insisted, presumably because he's loyal to his cousins and will inform them of any conversations the king has behind their backs, and it was the last Kings Hand that insisted on marrying Cersei so they could have his father on their side, which makes me think they manipulated him into that and once he'd served his purpose he either knew too much or was trying to shake them down or had caught onto their shenanigans so they had him poisoned, and the king laments he used to think being king meant he could do whatever he wanted since he presumably didn't want to marry such a sour-faced bitch or probably anyone at all so he can just keep whoring indefinitely, and then the king just goes to walk out to the tournament with his massive belly hanging out and when Ned stops him he laughs saying he should just go out like that and yell BOW YA SHITS! which I've seen in memes before and Ned gives him a forced chuckle while looking awkward as if he's realizing actually yeah this guys got some fucking Trump shit going on where he's just some hedonistic fat manchild well past his prime that's open season for anyone with a functioning brain to manipulate
then at another joust everyone is in the same positions they were yesterday as The Mountain rides up again and opens his faceplate and Sansa spots "The Knight of the Flowers" ride up who is this young but super cute boy band looking kid with shiny decorated armor holding a rose and he gives it to her with a cheeky smirk and some dude in the audience who has a broach with a stag on it, I'm not sure who's sigil that is yet, I know so far the Starks have the wolf, the Lannisters have the lion and Dany's family has the dragon, I'm pretty sure the Greyjoys are all fucking dead other than Theon so I'm not sure, reminder this sigil animal thing is a real thing in Scottish history, my family has it's own clan sigil, animal and motto that we've had for literally over a thousand years, I can't share it for doxxing reasons but I just want to rub that into Americans who's family history goes back about 50 years to literally "like... I think my grandma was half Irish or something? and my dad was from Puerto Rico but he never talked about his family" wow interesting stuff you culture starved subhumans meanwhile I can literally go to the castle my ancestors ruled from and read legends about their magic powers and shit and see portraits of my great^100 grandmother (she was fucking fit tbqh I want to go back in time and become my own great^100 grandfather)
well he gives him a conspiring nod and the pretty boy just nods to him and rides up to The Mountain who intimidatingly lets his horse snarl at his and the pretty boy just turns grimaces and bears it and then they ride off to their poisons and Sansa begs her dad not to let The Mountain hurt him and CIA turns to the man with the stag broach and bets 100 gold dragons on The Mountain and the man accepts hmmmmm makes me ponder if CIA paid the pretty boy to throw the match or something and CIA starts bragging about what he could buy with that and the man just says "maybe you could buy a friend" and CIA just gives him a huge shiteating smile pretentious literally like the pretentious PUA twat who wants everyone to think he's a master manipulator but actually has no mates and orbits one girl for years
and then the horn blows to signal them to charge aaaaaaaaaand OH SHIT the pretty boy rams his joust right into The Mountains shield shattering it but sending The Mountain off his horse and smashing him through the fence, The Hound allows himself a like 1% smile at seeing his abusive brother trumped and the stag broach guy laughs and mocks Littlefinger who just asks him "and when will you be having... your friend?" maybe indicating that they are gay lovers or something and is threatening him that he knows so he better not call in that debt and he sits down with a big shit eating smile again and then tells Sansa that the pretty boy knew The Mountains horse was in heat and I guess that's why he let his horse grunt in his horses face because he knew letting it get all horny would throw it off or something and The Mountain tears off his helmet and screams for an assistant to bring him his sword and as this pretty boy is prancing in front of the crowd it seems like he might be getting stabbed in the back or some shit but actually THE MOUNTAIN BEHEADS HIS OWN HORSE WEW LAD EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 9
BUT OH FUCK HES NOT DONE YET AND ATTACKS THE GAY ROSE KID KNOCKING HIM OFF HIS HORSE AND STARTS SMASHING HIS HUGE SWORD DOWN ONTO HIS SHIELD AS HE COWERS ON THE GROUND BUT... THE HOUND JUMPS DOWN AND BLOCKS HIS SWORD WITH HIS OWN!!!
AND THE MOUNTAIN IS LIKE N-NANI?!?! AND THEY START SWORD FIGHTING IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!!! AND THE CROWDS LIKE HOLY SHIT THEY FINNA BOUTA KILL EACH OTHER!!!
BUT THE KING STANDS UP AND ORDERS THEM TO STOP THIS MADNESS IN THE NAME OF YOUR KING! AND THE HOUND IMMEDIATELY PLANTS HIS SWORD IN THE GROUND AND SINKS TO HIS KNEES BOWING AS THE MOUNTAIN WAS JUST SWINGING HIS SWORD AT HIM WHICH FLIES OVER HIS HEAD AND HE THROWS HIS SWORD AWAY IN A RAGE AND STOMPS OFF FUMING
and some guards stand there with wide eyed terror that they're going to have to try to arrest this massive psycho but the king yells for them to let him go and they rush out of his way like pussies and during all that Joffrey got so hyped he stood up to get a better look and sits down in disappointment it didn't end in bloodshed and the pretty boy goes to The Hound and says he owes him his life Ser, which I guess is how they spell Sir in the subtitles and is not someones name, but The Hound just grumbles I'm not Ser but the pretty boy holds The Hounds hand up as if he's the real victor for showing how brave and heroic he is and the whole crowd gives him a long applaud and Sansa stands up to cheer for him and The Hound just looks around super awkward as if he's got too low self-esteem to accept any praise ok now I get why fans want to see them fight because this is some straight ap dank anime family rivalry shit but if I know my GoT so far I'm sure it'll never happen and The Hound will just die from a random arrow from some random mook or some shit and never get to complete his heroes journey
and then we see Tyrion in the wilderness with a sack over his head and tied in ropes being held captive by Cat and her new friends and that annoying travelling musician bard guy is playing his banjo or whatever and literally improvising a song about "the captive imp, downards from his horse did limp, no more would he preen and primp" like oh shit THIS DUDE JUST INVENTED FREESTYLE RAPPING LMAO
and then Tyrion clocks that Cat announced that they were taking him to Kingslanding to mislead any search parties and then starts trying to sow a bit of discontent with her band by suggesting that there's probably already a big reward for his rescue and the bard eyes him shiftily as if he's considering it and he tries to reason for them to untie him by appearing harmless and saying if he tried to run a shadowcat would eat him, sorry mate she's gay (reference to ellen page playing kitty pride aka shadowat in the x-men movies sorry if that was too deep for you) then he realizes she's taking him to see her sister and tries to sow some doubt in her about her sisters mental fitness, acts emotional that he's accused of going after Bran and then reasons that only an impicile would arm an assassin with his own blade and as he seems to be starting to get to Cat the neckbeard guy suggests they gag him as if he's got an anti-Lannister position himself but speaking of random arrows out of nowhere A RANDOM ARROW OUT OF NOWHERE SUDDENLY HITS THE BARD, A ROCK IS FIRED FROM A SLING INTO A DUDES HEAD AND A BAND OF MEN WAVING AXES RUSHES UP AND FIGHT CATS MEN AND HER BODYGUARD STARTS DOING SOME DANK ASS SHIT WHERE HE PUTS HIS SWORD TO A GUYS THROAT AND KICKS HIM DOWN SO HIS NECK GETS SLIT AS HE FALLS ACROSS IT
RAMS ANOTHER GUY THROUGH AND CHOKE SLAMS ANOTHER ON THE GROUND AND PLANTS HIS SWORD INTO HIS CHEST THIS DUDE GOING HAM AND TYRION SEES CAT TAKE OUT A DAGGER AND TALKS HER INTO UNTYING HIM SINCE HES NO GOOD TO HER DEAD AND THIS LITTLE MANLET GRABS A SHIELD TO PROTECT HIMSELF FROM INCOMING ROCKS AND ONE OF THE BAD GUYS KILLS SOMEONE RIGHT IN FRONT OF CAT AND GOES FOR HER NEXT BUT TYRION KNOCKS HIM DOWN WITH THE SHIELD AND STARTS BLUDGEONING HIS SKULL IN WITH IT HOLY SHIT
AND WE SEE EVEN THE NECKBEARD TAKING A SLASH TO THE BACK BUT THEN KILLING THE GUY
AND THE BODYGUARD SLITTING A DUDES THROAT
AS TYRION KEEPS CAVING THE GUYS HEAD IN HELL YEAH DUDE
ok pretty sure a three feet tall dude could not generate enough force to down a guy with a wooden shield by just whacking him with it but ok and it seems like the the three of them are the only ones left, fucking sucks to be all the random guys who came along and that bard who wasn't even armed with anything other than a guitar thing, and the bodyguard guy asks Tyrion if that was his first kill and he nods and he says he "needs a woman, nothing like a woman after a fight!" with a grin on his face as Tyrion looks like he's in shock but realizes he can get this guy on his side if he plays it like he's a badass too and just looks at Cat and says "well I'm willing if she is" much to the bodyguards amusement so I'm guessing those guys were just some bandits who kill and rob people on the road since they were flinging rocks at the not very easy to confuse for someone else Tyrion which they wouldn't do if they were there for his rescue bounty but maybe they were hired by CIA to kill em all so Cats investigation cant go any further and people will assume the secrets of the plot died with Tyrion and oh wait no there's 2 or 3 other guys who survived on their side ok good for them
then we see Bran at a table with a teacher and hes distracted watching I think Theon doing archery practice like he used to enjoy so much but the teacher brings his attention back to his geography studies and he regurgitates that the Iron Islands Sigil is the kraken which we haven't seen before I don't think that a pretty cool sigil and so is a dragon and at least wolves and lions can kill people a stag sigil is pretty dandy yo, and apparently that is where the Greyjoys... used to come from, and Theon boasts they're known for their skills in archery, navigation and lovemaking and the teacher adds "and failed rebellions" lmao #rekt and then Bran talks about how a certain family he doesn't say have the stag sigil and it has a crown now that Robert is king and he names them the Baratheons which idk if we've heard before and he gives their motto that's "ours is the fury" idk stags are not very furious I bet Americans see this shit and think this is all original world building when it's just find & replacing shit from UK history lmao and then he talks about how the Lannister motto is "a Lannister always pays his debts" which we just heard Tyrion say but that's actually not their official motto and Bran gets fussy and starts naming other houses mottos like the house Martell, house Hornwood, house Tully which is his mothers and the teacher realizes whats wrong and assures him she had to leave to protect them and he reveals he was actually the one who delivered Bran and assures him she'll love him until her death awww but Bran's not having any of it and is still depressed he's paralysed but the teacher tells him he could learn to shoot from horseback if the manlets saddle works, not sure why he couldn't still shoot from just sitting in a chair sideways but ok
then we cut from that to finally seeing the infamous Ros getting slammed from behind by Theon who's smuggled her into the castle and after he nuts we literally see her tits, minge and his semi-flaccid dick lmao I'm tempted to call this edgy but its only edgy to Americans and I've started to notice some counter-edge here where they love getting tits and cock out for no reason but they place it in the scene at the start or end in such a way where it can be easily edited out for rebroadcast on other TV stations if I worked at HBO I'd just have a spinning cock gif playing in the corner at all times so it was exclusive to our channel and no one else could get it so our subscriptions would go up and she boasts that he's not the only nobleman in her life and he gets insecure that Tyrion's had her too and says he's not worried since anyone with a few coppers can have her and she just keeps smiling as if she's had way worse dickheads say way worse things to her and he asks what a dwarf is like down below and she teases him he might be surprised and that he's good with his fingers and tongue too and Theon insists he's a Greyjoy and no one can look down on him and Ros takes the bants a bit too far and jokes about him being the Starks ward and he grabs her by their hair and growls about how heroic his father was and is like "what did your father do? fucked a cook and whelped a whore?" but Ros has had it all before and says he's an awfully serious boy.... with a serious cock! and grabs his benis that's unfortunately hidden behind a candle so the actors didn't have to actually have a wank session and he says he doesn't want to pay for it anymore so she just says "then find yourself a wife" and he struts off as if he needed to just sooth his own ego rather than be such a dickhead he'd rape her
then back in Kingslanding we see Arya chasing a cat as part of her training which would actually be pretty easy if it wasn't like trained to escape or some shit she could probably just come up and start petting it or give it food or something but maybe it is a special training aid cat Varys and Ned are discussing Bran's predicament and he assures him that even though he suffered an early mutilation himself doors closed but unexpected ones opened I presume he means things like being trusted to be female royalties close confidants and things like that ok wait his name is Varys jesus why do people have these wacky made up names and then you get someone just called Robert and then the camera zooms in on Varys as the music gets dramatic as he warns Ned that the king is a complete fool, the queens not the only one keeping tabs on him, the two of them are some of the few honerable men in this city and he warns him there's a special tasteless traceless poison that was probably given to the last Kings Hand and the king is probably going to be next but he doesn't know by whom, I assume he probably does, if it wasn't him, but he wants Ned to get there organically, if he just says "yeah it was CIA" he knows Ned already trusts him and he knows CIA would just talk him into thinking Varys is obviously the killer if he'd make a false accusation like that, and Varys floats that it might have been Ser Hugh that gave him the poison as he was his most trusted friend he'd let his guard down around, literally I guess, and Ned demands to know why anyone would want to kill a peaceful man like the last Hand and Varys warns "...he started asking questions" uh oh
then we see Arya chasing the cat down into a dungeon and finding the giant dragon skulls Dany's prat brother was talking about and she hides she overhears two men gossiping about how Ned is onto the truth of who went after his son and soon "the wolf and the lion will soon be at each others throats" and one of them suggests just killing Ned but the man is revealed to be Varys who implies it's too risky and the other man I think is maybe the guy who was housing Dany and her brother? idk my autistic face blindness is getting me here, and he says they need more time since Aquaman wont make his move until his son is born so if that is the same guy I guess that's why he was winding Dany's brother up to try and get the Dothraki army to kick off in ah yes that's it Westeros now this is a bit too early to reveal it was Varys who killed the last Hand and they talk ambiguously enough that they could be talking about Ned being onto someone else's trail, in fact he mentions "the fools tried to kill his son", so it probably is the Lannisters, so it seems like maybe CIA is the one who had the last Hand killed because he works for them and the king is next so Joffrey can be the new king and maybe Varys counter plan to this is to have his friend here help add an outside threat to the mix, since the guy mentions "what good is war now? we're not ready" as if it's just that it's too soon, with the plan being the Dothraki attacking Westeros so Cersei cant risk doing a coup in a time of such great dangerous war since people might not want to follow a sociopathic 13 year old into battle, fail to unite and it might end up with no Westeros left for her to control or something like that, or maybe they actually want the Dothraki to win because Dany's brother is an arrogant retard who's easy for them to manipulate, but he seems so incompetent he don't figure he'll manage to actually successfully do a take-over, so it might just be a diversion to buy more time to take out the Lannisters one by one or something, I guess this is also why she has such a creepy relationship with Joffrey since she wants to make sure he's loyal to the Lannisters and not his fathers family so she can control the kingdoms from behind him rather than his fathers family influencing him, although the kid definitely has the famous Lannister blond hair and blue eyes so maybe he's not even the kings actual biological son, maybe Jaime is lmao, and that explains why he's so fucked in the head, he's literally retarded from inbreeding lmmfao, anyway this is some very well done palace intrigue shit, I love shit like this, where there's two parties having a battle of wits, it's dank when it's a face to face thing like in Death Note but also dank when there's loads of build up to the two parties actually fucking with each other face to face and battling each other through several payers of proxies and schemes at first like the Ben and Widmore rivalry on Lost which was one of the coolest parts of that extreme kino, anyway Varys or whatever his name is says "delay you say, move faster I say, this is no longer a game for two players" and he replies "it never was" ah, truly we are playing a Game of Thrones™ and then we see Arya run out but unfortunately Varys locked the door as they were coming in so she has to leave the way they left
then speaking of more than two players we see CIA staring longingly at the Iron Throne which we haven't actually seen anyone sit in yet as Varys almost hovers in he walks so lightly and CIA, not startled, comments on how quietly he moves and then taunts him that he seems lonely so he should pay a visit to one of his brothels "first boy is on the house" top fucking kek at 1) him calling him a gay pedo and 2) him pimping boys to gay pedos I'd call that edgy but I guess it isn't confirmed he means little kids and maybe being gay is acceptable in Westeros who knows maybe they're more woke than some of us on that and Varys assures him "you're mistaking business with pleasure" trying to argue he only hangs around with little boys to use as spies and CIA swaggers up saying "those birds that whisper in your ear - such pretty little things" and purposefully creepily puts his hand on Varys shoulder but Varys just endures it unaffected and comments that it's actually someone called Lord Redwyne who likes his boys very young or so he hears as if he's trying to turn the pedo card back on CIA by pointing out he's the one pimping kids, ok that's edgy but it'll be over the edgy mark when they actually show it which I'm sure they will at some stage, and then he brings up that someone called Ser Marlon of Tumblrstone prefers amputees, ok edgyness increasing dramatically, and CIA starts to get a bit short tempered now that Varys is showing off how many of his secrets hes managed to get ahold of but brushes it off with "all desires are valid to a man with a full purse" yes don't kink shame please and oh dear does the edgy keep going Varys mentions an awful rumor he heard about a certain lord with A TASTE FOR FRESH CADAVERS and wonders how you would find beautiful corpses before they rot just to let CIA know he can accuse him of murders whenever he wants and CIA just smirks and says "strictly speaking such matters would not be in accordance to the kings laws" as if they don't apply to him because he has such good favor with the king and Varys growls "strictly speaking" back at him before strutting off and CIA is glad he's managed to get under such an unflappable mans skin and keeps pushing and asks "tell me, does someone somewhere keep your balls in a little box?" with a cheeky grin
and Varys just brushes it off with a joke about how he has no idea even though they used to be... so close, and Varys asks how hes been since he last saw him, and CIA taunts him or the last time he saw him as if he's fucking spying on him taking a shit or something without him knowing and Varys says last he saw he was talking to the Hand, and CIA asks "with your own eyes?" and Varys does some Joss Whedon style word play and states "eyes I own" and CIA hisses "counsel buisnesssss" and Varys points out that everyone knows he beta orbits Cat so if anyone were to discover that he helped the Starks accuse the Lannisters... maybe perhaps the queen... and CIA just says "one shudders at the thought" as if he fucking dares him to try and have him killed and then some dramatic music kicks in as CIA reveals he's seen him more recently than the other way around and saw that HE was talking to Ned too and Varys just quips "ah was that you under the bed?" lmao stole my meme and then CIA drops that he also saw him escorting a certain..... foreign dignity from across the sea and when Varys realizes he's been rumbled in that regard his face suddenly falls and he looks down shook, which I think might be a ruse that he's just letting CIA think he has him by the non-existent balls (would be a dank meme if the way to defeat Varys was to find his balls in a jar and threaten to crush them like the way to control Davey Jones in the POTC movies is to get his heart in a jar and threaten to stab it lmao) and I guess that dude was the rich dude who was winding up Dany's brother heh me smart and apparently Varys is from across the narrow sea too and CIA start rubbing it in that it'd burden him to worry about the king questioning his dear friends sympathies which puts him at a crossroads of turning left to be loyal to his "friend" right to be loyal to his kingdom, wow this really is like a Telltale game, all the way down to the railroaded decisions since we know which one he's really going to pick lmao, really cool dynamic between them there where they're at a stalemate where they could each have the other one killed by grassing their current machinations up to either the king of queen... but cant do either since the other one could do the same thing, and its not like whoever taddles first wins, its mutually assured destruction since the other could grass the other up as they're being taken to be executed and have him getting beheaded right next to him, and just like Varys said to him before about "just a simple word to the queen..." he taunts "just a simple word to the king..." as they glare at each other like one inch apart and suddenly the door opens and the other dude walks in and is like WHAT ARE YOU TWO CONSPIRING ABOUT? WELL YOU BETTER HURRY UP hahahahaha
because his brother is coming and Varys gets the last word in taunting CIA "disturbing news from far away... hadn't you heard?" just to rub in that he'll always have more intel than him, it seems like Varys speciality is the technicalities of spycraft, the ins and outs of placing spies everywhere so he has the most information, and CIA is more about straight up black ops shit where he'll just send killers after whoever he needs to, and interestingly CIAs weakness is that he's motivated by his lust for Lady Stark, a bias that doesn't afflict Varys unless he is actually a gay pedo lmao, which no offence to eunuchs but I could see happening with some Michael Jackson shit where he's stunted in the development of a boy so is only comfortable being intimate with children also idk what they're going for here but I feel like Varys perfectly bald head and thin eyebrows is maybe a hint to his condition as if he's suffered hair loss although I am pretty sure its high T levels that make you go bald faster, if you're going to have hairloss, but maybe he has no bodyhair so he shaves his head to match it or something, and whoever the actor for him is does a good job of having like subtly foppish mannerisms and body language as if he's got a very placid mentality from never having much testosterone in his body as opposed to the more lascivious seeming literally pimping thirsty orbiter CIA good shit
ten we see a dirty Arya finding herself walking out from the catacombs onto a seaside with some fishermen working and walking back into the city but the guards tell her beggars aren't welcome and she'll get a smack on the head to help her hearing if she doesn't clear off lmao and she insists she lives there and wants to speak to her father but the other guard laughs and says "and I want to fuck the queen for all the good it does me" and the other one misgenders Arya saying "you want your father boy? hes on the floor of a tavern, getting pissed on by his friends!" lmao and Arya declares "my father is Hand of the King, I'm not a boy, I'm Arya Stark of Winterell, and if you lay a hand on me my father will have both your heads on spikes, now are you going to let me by or am I going to have to smack YOUR head to help YOUR hearing?" and she says it so confidently the two guards look at each other like wait is she for real oh shit
and then we cut to her in her fathers office lmao funny scene and as Ned's about to admonish her she blurts out what she overheard but she can only describe one of the conspirers as fat lmao thankfully this is not modern day America because that actually does narrow it down in this universe and Ned starts to believe her the more she explains but then someone from the Nigths Guard arrives and introduces himself as Yoren to Ned and his son lmao and Arya yelps IM A GIRL! top fucking kek I'm not sure you could have this running joke in 2019 this is the ancient times of 2011 afterall it truly was a different time and he's there to ask for more recruits but also builds up like a mad cunt something else he has to say that's "better said in private" so Ned kisses Arya and sends the guard to take her to his room and Arya wants to stay but the guard ushers her off and she asks the guard how many guards he has, and he says "here in the city? 50", and she makes sure he wouldn't let anyone kill her father and he says not to worry little lady, since she saw Ned's pause before sending them away as if he's thinking twice about who he's alone in a room with now, ah the good old days where you could basically kill whoever you wanted as long as you had an alibi and no witnesses, no having to worry about DNA and CCTV and all that shit, and in his office this guy lets him know about Cat kidnapping Tyrion and he looks down like oh fuck what now
then on the road we see Cat's crew being confronted by some well armored soldiers sent from her sister but the lead soldier thinks its suspicious she came so quickly and Tyrion isn't tied up but takes her anyway as if they would force them if they wouldn't come and Tyrion comments the fortress they're going to is supposedly impregnable but the bodyguard guy boasts "give me ten good men and some climbing spikes... I'll impregnate the bitch" and Tyrion looks at him as if trying to tell if he actually doesn't know what impregnable means and quips "I like you" since either way he's definitely a confident guy and then we pan around to see this really cool looking castle carved into a mountain with a winding path coming down along a bridge that looks like it was carved out of a hillside that looks like a really cool old matte painting or something and not shitty modern CGI since special effects have somehow gotten worse in the last like 50 years
then back at Kingslanding where thank fuck we have mostly been all episode because this is where the coolest shit happens stay the fuck away The Wall and the Dothraki storytlines please Ned is summoned to the small counsel by the king and Ned gets shook and asks if it's about his wife but the messenger says "I believe it concerns Daenerys Targayen" and we cut immediately to the king growling THE WHOOOOOOOORE IS PREGNANT hahahahaha and Ned asks "you're speaking of murdering a child?" and the king says he warned him about being a pussy before and says it straight up he wants her, her baby and the brother dead as CIA and Varys sit there completely poker faced and Ned tries to talk him out of it because he's such a moralfag saying he'll dishoner himself forever if he does this and the king just yells "honor? I've got seven kingdoms to run! one king! seven kingdoms! its fear that keeps them in line!" and Ned accuses him of being no better than the Mad King and Rob gets triggered and warns him careful Ned! and Ned questions Varys intel that he reveals is from Ser Jorah Mormont, aka the beta orbiter guy (interesting that he just comes out and says this twist and it's not telegraphed by any intense music anything, its easy to miss but I appreciate the very sparse used of a score, usually it just lets the scene or even action play out as if you're just being shown a documentation of it or something without any dramatic music or camera work, I've only noticed a score starting up at the tailend of conversations when shits getting super mysterious) and Ned says the word of a traitor half a world away isn't fact and Varys seems hurt that Ned doesn't respect his intel like everyone else there does but shockingly enough CIA actually defends him saying Jorah's actually just a slaver not a traitor, I suppose he'd obviously, if he is the killer, want Varys plan, if that is his plan, of bringing Aquaman over to fail, but its odd Varys is helping them assassinate Dany, maybe I'm on the wrong trail and this isn't whats going on, but maybe he figures if Dany and their unborn son are killed by Westeros agents Aquaman will go apeshit and be even more motivated to come over here waging war and Ned insists "he broke the law, betrayed his family and fled our land" and Rob bellows that its not worth the risk to have a Targaryen at the head of a Dothraki army and Varys suspiciously flicks his eyes between them as Ned says "I'll fear the Dothraki when they teach their horses to run on water" lel and Rob is like "do nothing? that's your wise advice?" and he snaps "you're my counsel! council! speak sense to this honerable fool!" and Verys probably put-on nervously tries to talk Ned into doing this admittedly nasty shit for the greater good of the realm because if she has a son the realm will bleed and the oldass man who tried to give up Varys before says its wiser and actually kinder to have her die now so tens of thousands might live and the youngest guy there just impetuously says "we should have had them killed years ago" and CIA offers the amazing idiom "when you find yourself in bed with an ugly woman you best just close your eyes and get it over with" and Varys closes his eyes in distaste at how vulgar CIA is at a royal counsel, as if taking his advice and wishing this was over with lol, and CIA doesn't help the matters by adding "cut her throat, be done with it" I hope he means Dany and not when you find yourself in bed with an ugly woman lmao
and then casually sips his drink like it's nothing to him and Ned struts up confidently as the camera zooms in on him and tells Rob with iron clad will "I followed you into war - twice - without doubts, without second thoughts - but I will NOT follow you now, the Robert I grew up with didn't tremble at the shadow of an unborn child" very interesting touch that he's trying to play on Rob's self image as a badass warrior again like how he successfully manipulated him out of jousting by framing it as too easy and now he's framing yeeting that feetus as a cowardly act but unfortunately Rob knows deep down he aint no badass warrior no more and is going for the easy option of "she dies" he growls and Ned says he'll have no part in it and Rob threatens to fire him so Ned just takes off the broach of the kings Hand that was given to him when he arrived for the position and drops it down on the table as if this is the ye olde version of the handing in your badge to the chief trope and Ned just wishes good luck to the next man and says he thought Rob was a better man and Rob gets triggered and growls for him to run back to Winterell and starts ranting about how he'll kill him himself and that he thinks hes too honerable for war pretty big ballsy decision there from Ned and quite surprising you'd think a guy who's fought in war, been a Lord and made all sorts of hard decisions over politics and even personally executed a guy who one could argue wasn't deserting if he, you know, ran back to his fucking king to tell him something would not have such a strict stance on killing just one innocent person (fetuses arnt people you dumb christfags) but I'm guessing since this is Sean Bean we're watching here this wont end very well for Ned and this is to just go to show that the one guy out of the 100s of characters on this show to actually have some principals and NOT let them bend ends up fucking dead with nothing to show for it all because he wouldn't bow to the great god of consequentialism I mean that's similar to my outlook but also if I was in his position if I'm living in a world where yeah everyone does this shit to everyone else you're kind of just asking for it to be done to you but also if you live by the sword you die by the sword e.g. this assassination could be what actually sparks the war to definitely happen or they send someone to assassinate Rob I guess the only winning move... is not to play, like Rob himself has been whining about being king, while alluring when you're not king, is actually fucking shit and stressful, he'd ironically be happier just being some ordinary guy with an ordinary family, really makes ya think
anyway then Ned is rushing to pack up his thing and orders his bodyguard guy to leave with his daughters already because he's got the king, the queen and a murderer all mad at him so he should really not be hanging around and then CIA swaggers in and lets him know the king was using the word treason after he left and then temps him that if he stays here until night fall he'll take him to speak to the last person the last Hand spoke to before falling ill... uh oh... sound like a veiled death threat, but Ned says he has no time and CIA says "it'll only take an hour, but as you wish" and leaves knowing how principled Ned is that he wont let an assassin go free if he's this close so Ned orders his guard to get all the men guarding his daughters but send his best two swords to meet him
and then in this impenetrable fortress on a big fancy sculpted stage on a big fancy sculpted throne Cats sister is dressing her down for bringing Tyrion into her home without her permission as SHE BREASTFEEDS HER LIKE 10 YEAR OLD SON, OK, THERE WE GO EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 10
thankfully for this boys future sexuality its just a prosthetic breast by the looks of it and there's nothing wrong with breastfeeding in public like braindead americans think but breastfeeding your grown children is edgy when people do it in real life not just in a tv show you're probably some sort of fucking pedo weirdo fucking up your child's development if you don't ween your baby before they can have a fucking conversation with you and her sister talks to her son about how bad his aunt is and how beautiful he is as this dopey kid looks down at them and Tyrion looks over at Cat like see I told you bitch be crazy and she insists that that's what her husbands last words "the seed was strong" meant, praising their son, but me thinks it meant something else, maybe seeds used to untracably poison powerful men perhaps? like how you can make ricin out of caster beans if my BrBa education was accurate? and this woman starts ranting about how you shouldn't bring Lannisters here as if she suspects their wrong doing and then she accuses Tyrion of murdering their father who is actually the last Kings Hand everyone's been going on about ah yes me thinks he was talking about what poisoned him not his ultra mommy's boy son and Tyrion just quips "oh, did I kill him too? I've been a very busy man!" and she threatens him that every man there would die for her and he says if they harm him his brother Jaime will make sure they do and the little boy starts screaming NO ONE CAN HURT US HERE! TELL HIM MUMMY! TELL HIM!!!
as if he's already a stroppy prince twat like Joffrey and she calms him down comforts him that no one will hurt her baby, methinks this kids gonna get hurt in the future, and then this little shit says "mummy... I want to see the bad man fly" uhhhhh uh oh and Cat says hes her prisoner so cant be harmed but her sister has him thrown in the dungeon to meet someone or something called "Mord" and when he's flung down there he finds that down there isn't so down there as he peaks over a ledge to see a massive drop because he's on the side of a massive mountain like a mile up in the sky which uh doesn't seem that secure if you're trying to keep someone from killing themselves or someone who's good at climbing secure
then confirming my theory right since I have an excellent gaydar to detect my fellow gays we see the guy alone in his chambers with the pretty boy guy letting him shave his chest lmao because he prefers his lover like that and it seems like the guard guy has a bit of the ol internalized homophobia because he says "if you like me like this maybe you should go find a little boy" but the pretty boy assures him "but I want you" and he seems momentarily satisfied but finds another thing to worry about that his brother thinks hes spoiled because he hasn't been to war and his lover smirks as if he agrees but his lover accuses him of being spoiled too and only has armor because his dad pays for it and since no conversation can be without some edge he complains that the king and our first mention of fan favorite Stannis don't respect him because he threw up when seeing someones eye knocked out of its socket in a melee ew gross and the pretty boy starts shaving his armpits and asks about the outcome of the counsel meeting ah so the guy getting shaved is the young guy on the counsel sorry autism again and he tells him, which makes me wonder if the pretty boy is a spy working for someone if this dumbass is leaking intel to him, that they're going to merc Dany and that "the table rises 6 inches" whenever Robert talks about it lmao and the pretty boy quips "shame he cant muster the same enthusiasm for his wife" so yeah maybe they haven't been intimate for a long time and Joffrey is more likely to be conceived by his uncle lmao and the shaved guy says he's only with her for her money since the Lannisters might be "the most pompous ponderous cunts the gods ever suffered to walk the world, but they do have an outrageous amount of money" and then he complains Rob will make him go hunting with him because he loves killing so much, and his bf wonders how that happened, and he just says again because he loves killing, edgy, and the pretty boy starts buttering him up that he should be king and he could be the one providing the funds and it turns out this guy is actually fourth in line and the pretty boy reasons that Joffrey is a monster, Tommen is only eight and Stannis has the personality of a lobster, lis nice Jordan B Peterson reference, who, ah, is this guys older brother, and I guess some cousin of Robs or something, and the pretty boy seems like he's doing the Cersei shit of knowing he'll never have power himself... but maybe he could be close to it, and he actually slices his bfs chest with the knife and tells him to if he's going to be king he needs to get used to seeing blood and the guy nervously looks down as if he's such a pussy he just cant even look at blood and he laughs a bit nervously like its not so bad and his lover butters him up saying people love him because he's so kind and he'd make a good king because he's so nice and soft and would relish killing and then starts talking him up how they need him as a king as he gets on his knees, gets his cock out and starts sucking him off leaving him to think that over while getting some pretty good positive reinforcement, this is actually a thing I've noticed women do sometimes, you know hearing second hand from men since I'm gay, but if they want their boyfriend to do something they bring it up while they're literally stroking their dick or some shit so they'll just give in and agree, I call it the "Brainwashing Blowjob™", no need to thank me for my gift to sociology
and then we see a depressed Rob getting a visit from his wife who half jokingly half tauntingly says she's sorry his marriage to Rob Stark didn't work out lmao she's calling him a gayboy fucking trolled and Rob just grumbles "I'm glad I could do something to make you happy" ok hold on I'm falling into my usual autism of transcribing something piece by piece ok basically Rob assumes she's angling to get Jaime to be the next Hand but she says he's not serious enough and Rob starts worrying about the Dothraki invading and Cersei assures him they cant and Rob says "that's a neat little trick you do, you move your lips and your fathers voice comes out" who I don't think we've met yet and interesting that he's been close enough to Cersei to realize what a dishonest person she is but he's still under the belief she's just a puppet of her father it seems rather than a cunt all in her own right, and then Rob games out what'll happen if the Dothraki invade, showing he's not as stupid as previously thought he knows its foolish to meet them in an open field so they'll hold up in their castles but then they'll simply go from village to village burning them all down, killing all their men, stealing all their crops and livestock and enslaving all their women and children, very funny that we have people like ISIS doing this shit in 2019 lmao, and the people of the seven kingdom wont stand behind a king who cant protect them and they'll just give into Viserys, the twat brother, as king, seemingly according to Varys plan perhaps, and they do some QUICK MATHS™ where he asks her what is bigger, one or five, and when she says five he holds up a hand of five fingers but then one closed fist which I thought he was going to use to hit her or something for a second since there's non-stop edge and says one unified army with one leader and one purpose will win even though they have more numbers and he whines about how their, Westeros I take it, armies aren't unified and everyone wants something different and when she asks what he wants he just raises his glass of wine and downs it as if to say that's what he wants
and he laments they haven't had a real fight in 9 years and backstabbing, scheming, arse-licking and money-grubbing don't count and he doesn't know what hold sit together and Cersei says dramatically "our marriage" and he immediately bursts out laughing like he takes zero effort to pretend he has any fondness or respect for her other than as a business associate and she just starts giggling too as if it's funny because it's true that their loveless marriage is the only thing keeping everything in check and he very honestly and bluntly as if he's just talking to a work colleague and not saying something that could be quite cruel to his wife asks her if she ever gets tired, and she says every day, I presume they mean putting up with him, and he asks how long can hate hold something together, I guess he figures she hates him, but maybe also a more general hate that keeps her motivated to keep going and stay near power, maybe hatred for her father or something, and they both raise their glasses to her saying "well 17 years is a long time" and Cersei asks "what was she like?" and Rob is shocked to find her asking about "her" and Cersei admits she didn't talk about "her" out of spite to not give him the satisfaction of thinking she was hurt, but then she figured he might actually enjoy her being spiteful so fuck it, and apparently they're talking about Lyanna Stark who's already dead, who I think I recall from /tv/ shitposting was Ned's sister, and Rob asks "you want to know the horrible truth" oh boy here comes some edge he gives it a long pause and says "I cant even remember what she looked like" lmao but he still loved her and someone took her away from him and seven kingdoms couldn't fill the hole, I wonder who killed her, and Cersei admits she once felt something for Rob especially after they lost their first son, and she asks if there was ever a time or a moment where it was possible it could work between them, and Rob says "no" as if he doesn't want to burden himself with thinking he had a chance at a happier life and the asks "does that make you feel better or worse?" and Cersei is so used to tanking emotional trauma she just sips her wine and says blankly "doesn't make me feel anything" which is probably the most honest line we've gotten from her yet uggg I have such bad taste in women because I wish I was, well, Jaime lmao
and then we cut to some young thot rocking a baby talking to Ned about how she has a baby who looks just like her father... the king... and he asks about what the last Hand was there to talk about, and I guess she's a whore because she says he wasn't that sort of man, he just wanted to know if the child was happy and healthy... and probably to also make sure she wasn't going to tell anyone about a certain extra heir that's lying around, and Ned promises her the girl shall want for nothing, probably thinking the same thing that it's best to keep her in comfort so she doesn't go taddling, and then he leaves and finds CIA sitting with two of his girls while wearing a very modern looking almost dinner jacket style shirt and Ned asks about Robs bastards and CIA tries to explain it away that the last Hand tracked them down just because Rob had fatherly love for them but Ned aint buying it and one of the whores starts tempting his bodyguard with her breasts and Ned has to snap him out of it lmao but then when Ned leaves the brothel oh shit... LANNISTER GUARDS ARE FILLING THE STREETS and Jaime rides up taunting them "such a small pack of wolves" and Neds guard tries to big up but Jaime points out he aint the kings Hand no more and CIA comes out to defend Ned I guess because he needs him alive for his own machinations at the moment but Jaime tells him to go back inside because he needs to know where his brother is and Ned can tell how dangerous Jaime is and doesn't want him going after his wife so takes the blame for the manlets capture and Jaime immediately draws his sword and all his men in fancy uniform uniforms point their spears and Ned's one guard draws his sword and looks nervous but might as well die with honor and CIA tells them he's going to go dial ye olde 911 and get the city watch but Jamie starts taunting Ned to duel him saying "I'm going to cut your Lord from balls to brains and see what Starks are made of" and Ned just glares at him with Clint Eastwood style squinting eyes and cuts to the chase "you kill me, you're brothers a dead man" so Jaime says "you're right........ take him alive, kill his men" and oh I guess Ned did have those two best swordsmen waiting for him but not for long because JAIME'S SOLDIERS THROW SPEARS INTO NEDS TWO GUARDS
NED DRAWS HIS SWORD AND HIM AND HIS BODYGUARD START CHOPPING THEIR WAY THROUGH JAIME'S MEN AND THE BODYGUARD RUSHES JAMIE WHO EFFORTLESSLY BLOCKS HIS SWORD WITH HIS AND CASUALLY PLACES A DAGGER THROUGH HIS EYE AND OUT THE BACK OF HIS SKULL AS THE GUY GRUNTS AND TWITCHES AS HE DIES HOLY SHIIIIIIT
AND HE JUST LOOKS OVER AT NED LIKE HEH.... NOTHIN PERSONEL KID ok just for that fucking look thats gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 11 from me fam
and Jaime lets him drop down and Ned looks at him in shock he's so fast and ruthless and all the spearmen surround them trapping Ned in the center of the street and Jaime raises his sword like come at me bro and NED ATTACKS HIM BUT JAIME DEFECLTS EVERY BLOW AND POSES LIKE HES ONLY SPARRING WITH A BIG SHIT EATING GRIN THAT HE GETS TO SHOW OFF HIS MOVES FINALLY
AND NED GRIMACES AND WAITS FOR JAIME TO UNLEASH HIS OWN FAR FASTER ATTACKS IN A FLURRY AT HIM AND NED GRITS HIS TEETH AS HE DEFLECTS THEM AS FAST AS HE CAN MANAGE AND GETS A FEW SWIPES BACK IN
BUT JAIME JUST DODGES AND PARRIES THEM UNTIL HES UP IN HIS FACE SMILING AT HIM BUT NED SUMMONS ALL HIS STRENGTH AND SHOVES HIM BACK AND... GETS STABBED IN THE LEG BY A SPEAR FROM ONE OF THE GUARDS LMAO
there we go there's our anti-climactic realism and Jaime looks annoyed his badass fight got cut short and casually walks over and LUMPS THE GUARD OUT I thought he was gonna take his helmet off and be revealed to be Stannis for his introduction as a much more sensible tactician or something but he was just some dweeb who couldn't tell Jaime was in control and then he sheathes his sword, hops up on his horse, tells Ned he wants his brother back and just casually rides off taking his personal guards with him as Ned passes out in the middle of the street surrounded by corpses holy shit the action scenes in this show are dank as fuck very realistic and brutal and I like how that guard guy died I mean I didn't even remember his name but that's just me being racist to white people all looking the same but I like it when action scenes have consequences like I hope that's Ned with a limp for the rest of his life like it would probably be in real life since that's what makes action exciting rather than just a bit of fun and usually its just the age rating of a movie or tv show keeping the violence from being too realistic but action scenes where no one loses anything are fucking pointless other than for a purely aesthetic appreciation you can have for some cool looking fights or something but to really get your heart pumping you need to think this is a big moment in the story for our characters who might die or be disabled or lose someone close to them or overcome their enemies rather than how most movies and shows do it where the story like takes a break for people to pointlessly punch each other for a bit anyway great shit this is the best episode so far imho lots of great scheming, three great fight scenes and thank fuck it was set all in Kingslanding with the only detours being what Cat and Tyrion, two characters directly involved in the Kingslanding plot, are up to, we saw zero of boring central The Wall or Mary Sue central the Dothraki storylines which can feel like literally different shows at times the setting and characters are so different and so quarantined from the rest of the narrative ok onto the next
Game of Thrones 1x06: "A Golden Crown"
wife beating special edition
First aired: May 22, 2011
we pan past some netting or whatever to find Ned waking up in a sweat in bed with the grim faces of Cersei and Rob looking down at him and when he tries to suck up to Rob Cersei immediately starts arguing with him about Cat nabbing the brother that she isn't fucking and Robs like WILL BOTH OF YOU SHUT YA MOUTHS!!! and orders Ned to release Tyrion and make peace with Jaime but Ned whines "he butchered my men!" and Cersei smirks at him like lmao he thinks telling the truth will help him watch this gayboi and starts lying "Lord Stark was returning drunk from a brothel when his men attacked Jaime" and he was indeed leaving a brothel and they don't exactly have alcohol blood tests back then so she can spin it as she likes but Rob snaps QUIET WOMAN! because he knows all too well of her bullshit absolutely based Rob keeping the thot in line and Ned demands justice from Jaime and Cersei starts winding up Rob questioning his kinghood and when he tells her to HOLD YER TONGUE she points out its her brothers hes gone after so I SHOULD WEAR THE ARMOR, AND YOU THE GOWN
going after his manhood now lmao and Rob turns to her like right, there we go, the line has been reached and SLAPS THE THOT ACROSS THE FACE absolutely BASED & REDPILLED
and Ned looks a bit shocked like he's such a moralfag he doesn't agree with that no matter what's going on between their families and Cersei recovers, smiles to herself like she's not surprised and its actually a relief to just have the dysfunctional nature of their relationship out in the open and taunts him "I shall wear this as a badge of honor" as her face starts to bruise and Rob says WEAR IT IN SILENCE OR ILL HONOR YOU AGAIN and she leaves in a huff top wife beating and Rob immediately starts blaming Cersei for winding him up but as if Ned just looking at him is all he needs to prickle whats left of his honor he admits "I should not have hit her, that was not... kingly" pretty sure in those days that was literally considered normal like pathetic retards still defending slapping children in [the current year] you would literally get people angrily accusing you of being the weird immoral one if you said you shouldn't do that but ok maybe in this world its different and its considered a class thing or something not to resort to violence in your own home like some thuggish poor person and Ned warns there'll be a war so Rob just tells him to release "that little shit of an Imp" and Ned starts whining about Jaime but Rob's got too much fucking debt to his dad and just tells him some real politik shit that he doesn't care what happened between them he cant rule with them at war so just fucking drop it and Ned, perhaps being more on the merciful side of morally uptight rather than vengeful but also looking down at his fucked up leg and shivering from the fever of an infection accepts this and asks to leave but Rob wants him to stay seemingly out of fear he has no one else he can trust not wanting to persecute him or anything and he talks about how he never loved his actual brothers but Ned is the one he chose and he tosses Ned his badge back and goes off to hunt as "killing clears my head" and Ned immediately starts whining about Dany again but Rob just threatens that if he doesn't put on that badge he'll give it to Jaime Lannister and storms out and Ned realizes he has no choice since he figures he knows what some of Jaime's first decisions would be if he got it
then unfortunately we cut to Dany holding the dragon egg fossil and tentatively puts it on some burning coals and sits there as if she's expecting it to hatch or something when one of these interchangeable slave girls comes in and finds her picking it up and shes like wtf and grabs it off of her getting burned but... Dany isn't burned at all... hmmmmmm
then Bran has another dream about the three eyed raven, this shit is reminding me of all the weird dream sequences in Lost, the most obvious imagery here being the third eye in real world eastern mythology that represents being able to perceive spiritual wisdom that we all know actually represents your pineal gland that pedophile elites get high on the DMT of from eating them out of dead childrens brains to talk to the aliens like Alex Jones says but I guess this is representing Bran's spiritual struggle on whether to grass up Jaime or not and him chasing after this bird that seems to indicate wisdom, although maybe lethal wisdom since it's a crow that's usually associated with death, is representing him struggling to find what the right decision is but then he gets woken up before he can get the crow by Hodor bringing him his fancy harness that's been built and then we cut to him whooping and cheering as he's successfully riding around on his horse as his two brothers or whoever these generic white guys are talk about what went down last episode and how they need to gather an army to go roll on the Lannisters, ok its whoever this second in command oldest son guy is and Theon who's stirring trouble because he's an insecure dumbass who wants to be on the winning side of a war for once, and this guy, who does bare a striking resemblance to Jon's actor, tells him it's not his duty to worry about it, and then suddenly the sound of the horse disappears and he worries where Bran suddenly went to and Theon just says not my duty lol peace thanks shithead and then we see some raggedy ass little hobo sneaking through the forest after Bran and two more come out and catch his horse and start shaking him down for it and his silver broach but he cant get off his horse because of the straps so he nuts up and threatens to have them killed because he's a Stark but they don't believe him and one of the suggests they CUT HIS LITTLE COCK OFF AND STUFF IT IN HIS MOUTH ok that does it EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 12 maybe I just haven't gotten laid in a while (28 years) but that female murder hobo is pretty cute I wouldn't mind showing her how I can put my cock in my mouth all by myself I mean uh put mine in hers because I'm normal and not weird
but she realizes probably from his fancy saddle and broach that he is actually a Stark and suggests they ransom and I think these people might be wildlings because one of the men says fuck that because they're going down south away from the White Walkers and then we see Bran's big brother finding them and he draws his sword and says DROP THE KNIFE AND ILL LET YOU LIVE and the leader just hisses at his minion who rushes the standing king and SWINGS HIS AXE AT HIM, WHICH HE LEANS BACK AWAY FROM NOT MOVING HIS FEET AN INCH, DEFLECTS THE AXE AND THEN SLITS HIS THROAT OPEN, HELL YEAH MOTHERFUCKER
AND THE QT FEMALE ONE WHACKS HIM IN THE BACK WITH A CLUB BUT HE JUST KNOCKS HER DOWN, RAMS THROUGH THE THIRD WILDLING AND HOLDS THE WOMAN HOSTAGE AS THE FINAL BAD GUY TAKES BRAN HOSTAGE and Bran calls to Robb, ok goddamn it that's going to get annoying to remember I wish I went back to not even knowing his name, and the wildling orders him to drop the blade and Bran tells him not to but Robb pussies out and puts his sword down but then AN ARROW COMES OUT OF NOWHERE THROUGH THE WILDLINGS HEART...
FIRED BY... THEON!
I guess he really is good at archery! and Robb drops the woman as Theon holds her at, uh, arrowpoint, and during all that Bran got cut and Robb asks if hes ok and Bran says it doesn't hurt and Theon is impressed with how tough he is but its probably just because hes, you know, paralysed from the waist down and cant feel anything at all lmao, and he ribs Robb about being a man now he killed enemies in battle but Robb gets triggered that Theon took that shot when he couldn't even see where Bran was and Theon yells that was the only option and Robb gives in since those were his first kills it seems and Theon has actually seen a real battle before and is the real gangster between the two of them but then Robb asks what about the woman and Theon just grimaces like they know what they have to do but she begs Robb for her life saying that "I'm yours" hmmmm I wonder what she means and Robb looks down at Bran and decides they'll keep her alive what are they gonna see if Bran's dick still works on her or something
then we cut to Tyrion sleeping in his cell and he rolls over in his sleep and ALMOST ROLLS OFF THE SIDE OF THE CLIFF LMAO and he starts banging on the door and screaming for Mord who I guess is the fat asshole who threw him in the cell, shows how resourceful Tyrion is that he picked up his name in that stressful situation, and he comes barging in slapping Tyrion and yelling DWARF MAN MAKING NOISE! like hes a bit on the slow side and Tyrion tries to bribe him by asling if he'd like to be rich and this dude who has a huge scar on his head as if he's suffered some brain damage yells again DWARF MAN STILL MAKING NOISE! and hits him and Tyrion realizes he cant be subtle with this dude and starts yelling that his family has lots of gold and he'll give it to him and this fucking fat retard frisks Tyrion and remarks NO GOLD! and hits him again and Tyrion's like "well I don't have it here!" and the guy just says FUCK OFF! and marches out lmao cant manipulate someone who's too dumb to understand what you're saying an ingenious decision of who to appoint jailer from the pedo queen there
then back in Kingslanding Arya is having her sword fighting training but she doesn't want to from how fucked her family is but her training just starts slapping her with his wooded sword and winding her up saying when there's trouble that's the only time you are going to fight so best get used to it and starts talking a bunch of flowery autism about how she'll be quick as a shadow one day this guy seems to nice and happy I'm sure he'll die in a horrible manner and he asks which gods she prays to and she says "the old and the new" and he says THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD... AND HIS NAME IS DEATH ok not Allah then got scared there I presume this is maybe the first introduction of some weird death cult that seems to come into the show later on
then we cut to... DANY EATING A HEART in the centre of a group of chanting women as Aquaman looks on and her brother is like "she has to eat the whole heart? hope that wasn't my horse" to Jonah who says "she's doing well" but her brother says "she'll never keep it down" as if they're on fucking Fear Factor and Joe Rogan's about to step out and Dany intensely stares Aquaman in the eyes as if she's proving to him she's worthy to be a Dothraki and Jonah starts translating the songs edgy lyrics where they're singing praise to her son that I guess she's doing some ritual to power up with the horses heart about how he'll make his enemies wives cry tears of blood and shit but the borther isn't impressed and says he wont be a true Tygerian or whatever his family name is and Dany finishes the heart but then doubles over almost vomiting and everyone goes quiet as she gags and heaves but then she slowly gets back up onto her knees having... NOT THROWN UP and swallows whats left and Aquaman looks like he's glad he married this badass bitch and Jonah starts translating again about a horse god that'll fuck the world or something and Dany stands up and starts playing along about how the Prince rides within her is called "Rhaego" and they all chant the name including a dude with half his face painted blue like some William Wallace shit and her brother is surprised and pleased to learn the Dothraki all love Dany as Aquaman carries her around and Jonah grits his teeth as if hes about to nut and says "she truly is a queen today"
but the brother has already left and we see him opening the chest of dragon eggs and he puts one in his bag but gets caught by Jonah who warns him about carrying a sword in the city apparently they have strict sword control laws lol sword free zone and the brother just quips "not my law" fucking hell yeah dude and Jonah also warns against stealing the eggs but his plan is to sell them for ships and he starts fucking whining and greeting about how he's been the last hope of the greatest dynasty the world has ever seen since he was 5 years old but no one has ever given him what she got in that tent and looks like hes about to cry out of nowhere literally because some savages cheered for his sister and he's never gotten any positive attention in his entire life which is pretty fucking pathetic and makes it understandable why his coping mechanism is to be so arrogant despite how useless he is and Jonah just stands there staring at him like he has nothing to say as a hardened man of war to this whining boy and the brother just calls him out for lusting after Dany but then says "I don't care, have her, she can be queen of the savages and dine on whatever horseparts she likes and you can dine on whatever parts of her you like" top kek and goes to leave but Jonah wont let him take the eggs and stares him down and the brother calls him out for dishonering his oath to him but Jonah says honers everything to him so the brother just gives in figuring he'll find some way to trick him later and drops the eggs and storms off and Jonah stands there triumphant I guess really acting out of pure orbiting of Dany since he doesn't seem that mad at the Starks to start a war over it that he wouldn't just stay over there free from them instead
then back with Tyrone hes banging on the door for Mord who rushes in and slaps him with a "cosh" as Liam Neeson would say yelling NO GOLD! and Tyrone tries to explain, through a cringing face as if he knows it wont work, "sometimes... possession is an abstract concept" and Mord just hits him again and Tyrone, oh god have I just called him Tyrone three times? fuck it dude I'm going to keep doing it until I remember his real name, tries to explain "when they captured me they took my purse but the gold... is still mine" and Mord demands WHERE? and he tries to explain "I don't know where but when they free me-" but Mord just hits him and says "you want free? go be free" and points off the side of the cliff lmao and Tyrone tries "have you ever heard the phrase..... rich as a Lannister?" and when Mord doesn't hit him he tries to explain that he's a Lannister and tries "a Lannister always pays his debts" and Mord seems to recognise that too and then tells him he'll be in his debt to no response so he dumbs down even more "I will owe you gold" and Mord stands there staring at him until it finally clicks and agrees to deliver the message "I wish to confess my crimes"
then cut to the throne room full of subjects as he stands before the queen and she boasts to her sister "the sky cells always break them" idk its got a great view and lots of fresh air seems nice and Tyrone looks around at the subjects and starts really chewing the scenery pretending to be remorseful for his sinful life and as he lists all his crimes he mentions how hes good at convincing others to do his crimes for him and he looks at Cat who gets the hint and looks at her bodyguard and he looks like he gets the hint too and as if just to buy more time Tyrone starts telling a story about stealing a girls robe when he was 7 and when he closes his eyes he can still see her tits bouncing lmao and the crowd mutters in shock and he goes on saying when he was 10 he stuffed his uncles boots with goatshit and blamed someone else and when he was 12 "I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew, I flogged the one-eyed snake! I skinned my sausage! I made the bald man cry! into the turtle soup! which I believe my sister ate, at least I hope she did!" not even that weird for that family
and the crowd stats giggling at his insane antics but when he gets to "I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel" the queen realizes hes bullshitting and demands SILENCE but her son is like WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? and Cat demands to know about Bran and the last Hand and he tells her he has no idea about that and she seems to believe him and the queen gets triggered and tells Mord to lock him back up... on a steeper floor, and Tyrone gives a speech about how this is unjust and that he demands a trial and the queen says if he loses he pays with his life, but not by an executioner, they live more elegantly there and she orders to "open the moon door" and her dipshit zoomer son starts clapping away as... the platform in the middle of the room breaks apart to reveal a massive drop into from the mountain they're on and the fair trial is going to be... "my son will listen to whatever you have to say, and you will hear his judgement, then you will leave, by one door or the other" top fucking kek, this is how Trump needs to run America, just let Baron decide everything, and Tyrone already knows this little shit wants to "watch him fly" so he instead demands... trial by combat, and the whole room giggles and the queen looks at her sister and agrees, and then almost every man in the room stands up and says he'll fight for her to avenge their king and Tyrone just looks at them all smiling happily and the zoomer prince stands up and yells MAKE THE BAD MAN FLY!!!! and Tyrone looks at him like fuck you kid but then the queen asks presumably their best fighter, the head of their soldiers, if he wants to fight but he thinks it would be dishonerable to fight a midgo to which Tyrone actually agrees, and the queen is like wtf, and Tyrone reveals his masterplan, that he'll appoint a champion... which I thought was going to be Cats bodyguard guy he's won the trust of and was seemingly signalling to before, but it's actually JAIME LANISTER! and everyone gasps and some of the men stand down but the queen says hes too far away so Tyrone awkwardly asks for a volunteer and everyone just laughs at him including the shit head prince until... ah... there we go... Tyrone's real masterplan was to manipulate... the bodyguard guy into volunteering, and he just shrugs to Tyrone like eh why not
then back in Kingslanding king Rob, Incel Lannister, his gay cousin or whatever and the old general guy are in the woods hunting (in a scene that I heard in an interview with GRRM was a good example of how the budget of the show cuts into the realism he was trying to have in his books, e.g. when a king went hunting it wasn't just 3 guys with him, he had an entire division of hundreds of guards bringing a small town of supplies and tents with him everywhere he went) with Rob having wine poured into his mouth by his servant every few paces lmao and hes ranting about how war used to be so simple with the enemy right in front of you without all this cloak and dagger bs now adays which reminds me of modern warfare that's all about asymmetric counter-insurgency vs guerrilla tactics shit rather than two armies meet somewhere and see who has the biggest guns which dipshit normies still think war is like and thinks America can beat anyone despite getting humiliated over and over again by peasant farmers lmao and Rob teases the gay dude who I guess is closeted but Rob seems to be onto him for throwing fancy balls and how in his day "you weren't a real man until you fucked a girl from all 7 kingdoms! and the riverlands! we used to call it making the eight!" and he asks his general if he ever made the eight who just sighs no your grace like he's used to his bullshit but the gay dude cant take it anymore and plants his spear down and says "the good old days? when half of Westeros killed the other half? or before that, when the Mad King slaughtered women and babies because the voices in his head told him they deserved it? or way before that, when dragons burned whole cities to the ground?" blowing this old nostalgic boomer fuck the hell out like all the dipshit fans of this show that wish they lived in medieval times need to be blown the fuck out and Rob says "easy boy! you might be my brother but you're speaking to the king!" ah ok hes his brother and his brother gets legit angry and snarls at him that it was a heroic time if he had a poor whore to shove your prick into and make the eight and storms off I guess his little talk with his boyfriend before this made him resentful he'll realistically never be king when this obnoxious moron is and Incel Lannister knows his king well enough to offer him his wine which he downs in one go and slouches off depressed that his whole family hates him
then back home we see Ned as our first person actually sitting on the Iron Throne as he's Robs second in command and CIA is by his side taking notes and the old ass guy or whatever is on his other as some peasant tells him about how some edgemasters burned his village, took their women, took them again, slaughtered them like animals, covered their children in pitch and called them niggers no they lit them on fire and he assures them "they weren't thieves they even left something behind your grace" and the old man tuts "this is the Kings Hand you're addressing" yeah I guess in those days you wouldn't know who was who unless you were told cant exactly see him on the news or online even the king if this was before they started putting his face on all the coins and one of them brings over a sack he opens up... of fish guts, and CIA remarks that it's the sigil of house Tully and whispers... not so quietly... to Ned "isn't that your wife's house?" and Ned asks if these men were flying a sigil and this dumb peasant doesn't even know what that is so he explains a banner and he says no, but the one who was leading them was taller than a foot by any man he'd ever seen who cut his blacksmiths in two and took the head off a horse with a single swing, and Ned recoils as he recognizes the description but CIA the little shit pushes it home "sounds like someone we know... The Mountain" as if he didn't fucking send him himself and the old man says why would he do that he's a knight but CIA says he's "Tywin Lannister's mad dog" and whispers, again not so quietly, to Ned "can you think of any reason the Lannisters might possibly have to be angry with your wife?" as if he doesn't know exactly and the old guy says it'd be very brazen to attack villages under the kings protection just to get back at Ned and CIA points out yeah like attacking him in the streets of the capital and the old man just gives up speaking like he cant be bothered trying to curtail CIAs damage anymore and Ned declares he'll try to give them justice and then summons a Lord to assemble 100 men to ride to Gregor's keep and he stands up with a walking stick shaking on his fucked leg and gives this huge big Iron Fist style title drop shit officially declaring in the kings name that Gregor is denounced and sentenced to death and CIA smirks as if maybe he framed The Mountain like he just paid these dumb peasants to spin a tall tale or something or really had their families killed and threatened more deaths if they don't play along and the old man glances over at him like he can tell whats going on now and begs Ned to not be rash but Ned orders that Tywin arrive and answer for this bannermens crimes let he be branded and enemy of the crown since it seems CIA has successfully used his resentment against that family against him and the crowd is shocked to hear him turn on the man who half the kingdom is in debt to and CIA praises him but tests his resolve by telling him "gold wins wars, not soldiers" this nigga ain't heard of Bin Laden's "bleed the beast" tactic obviously and Ned just snarls "then how come Robert is king... and not Tywin Lannister?" odd that CIA would want Ned to turn on The Mountain but maybe he's just angling to put Rob in the awkward position of having to choose between Ned and his father in laws who's his biggest finance knowing he just has to push the situation a little further to have Ned getting fucked whenever he wants
then back in the crazy mountain palace they are opening the moon doors again that they closed for no reason just to edgily open it again we see the queens champion putting his faceguard down and getting his shield and sword ready and the bodyguard dude waving away a shield like he just needs his sword and the little zoomer prince hops up and screams FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! *mortal combat music starts up*
AND THE TWO MEN START SWINGING THEIR HEAVY SWORDS AT EACH OTHER AS THE BODYGUARD GUY KEEPS ON THE DEFENCE JUMPING BACK FROM THE INCOMING BLADES UNTIL HES CHASED UP AND OFF THE STAIRCASE AND THE QUEEN SCREAMS "STAND AND FIGHT COWARD!" SO HE KICKS A GIANT CANDLESTICK THING AT THE CHAMPION WHO JUST STEPS OVER IT AND COMES SWINGING AT HIM ALMOST KNOCKING HIM DOWN THE MOON DOOR AS THE PRINCE GIGGLES WITH GLEE HE GETS TO SEE SOMEONE FALLING
BUT THE BODYGUARD GUY DODGES TO THE SIDE AND STARTS DODGING MORE BLOWS AS THE CHAMPION LUMBERS AFTER HIM IN HIS HEAVY ARMOR SMASHING HIS SWORD OFF OF PILLARS AND OUR HERO GRABS SOME RANDOM DUDE AND THROWS HIM AT THE WARRIOR WHO JUST SHOVES HIM AWAY KEK AND THE CROWD STARTS MOVING OUT THE WAY REALIZING THEY'RE IN DANGER AND AS THE HEAVILY ARMORED DUDE ATTACKS THE BODYGUARD SEES HIS OPPORTUNITY NOW HES TIRED HIM OUT TO SLIP IN AND RAM HIS BLADE INTO HIS SIDE AND TYRONE YELLS "YES!!" AND THE CHAMPION TAKES HIS FACEPLATE UP TO WIPE SWEAT OFF HIS FACE AND THE QUEEN YELLS FOR HIM TO "FINISH HIM!" LIKE ITS MORTAL COMBAT
SO HE DROP HIS FACEPLATE BACK DOWN AND STAGGERS TOWARDS THE BODYGUARD WHO DOGES OUT THE WAY AND FINALLY PARRIES HIS ATTACK AND RUNS HIS BLADE UP THE BACK OF HIS LEG MUCH TO TYRONES AMUSEMENT AND WHEN HE CHARGES AT HIM THE BODYGUARD JUST TRIPS HIM AND LETS HIM FALL, KICKS HIS SHIELD AWAY, CATCHES HIS SWORD ARM, LOOKS UP AT THE QUEEN, RAISES HIS SWORD AS THE MANS WIFE CRYS FOR MERCY
BUT HE JUST PLUNGES HIS SWORD INTO THE DUDES NECK CAUSING BLOOD TO POUR DOWN AND THEN DROPS HIM OUT THE MOON DOOR A MILE TO THE GROUND
pretty good fight where the guy just tired this dude lumbering around with a huge shield out by kiting him around the room until he was too gassed to defend himself and armor then he turns to Tyrone who smirks at him and the little zoomer kid smiles and asks his mum "is it over?" and Cat looks sad as she knows her sisters reaction before she says "you don't fight with honor!" and the bodyguard guy admits "no... he did!" and points down the moon door at his fuckboy opponent and Mord confusedly takes Tyrone's shackles off, the prince asks if he can "make the little man fly now" but Tyrone quips "not this little man", gets his shekels back from the outrageous pigtails neckbeard guy, gives Cat a bow and proves the saying right by tossing Mord his entire purse of coins much to his joy... but then as the door closes you see some guards moving in on Mord like he wont be allowed to keep it lol, ok that was a weird detour that they just let him go but I guess that's what happens when you do brainlet things like trial by combat
then back in Kingslanding we see Sansa and some old nun lady sewing together talking about hair styles and when Sansa asks where the old lady is from and she starts up on a big story about her homeland Sansa suddenly cuts her off and says "oh wait... I just realized I don't care" you know what, congratulations you little, thot because you just earned an EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 13
I guess this is to show how badly just thinking about wanting to be with a Lannister is corrupting her, and speak of the little shit devil, Joffrey walks in and they actually all bow to each other with Sansa looking flustered and Joffrey literally says "m'lady" and apologises for giving her the cold shoulder and puts a necklace, similar to his mothers, bit weird, on her as a gift, and starts talking all romantically about how she'll be his queen one day and he'll never be cruel to her again and she soaks it all up beaming with pride as he plants a kiss on her and the nun looks on with sadness knowing he's just telling her everything she wants to hear so she'll stick around like abusive men she's probably seen throughout her life, I wonder what that was about, I'm sure it was just Cersei talking him into it
then on the road we see Theon riding down and ordering a turnip cart to stop because it's got Ros in the back who claims to be heading to a ship to Kingslanding and Theon does his version of asking her to stay by saying she'll have to fuck old at Lords with tiny pricks who cant get it up and will knock her teeth in and she mocks his heritage knowing he likes it in a fucked up way because it gives him an excuse to exalt his family but hes not up for their banter today because he actually misses her and he just whines "don't be stupid" but she explains everyone knows there's a war coming after Jaime attacked Ned in the streets so all the men up there will be marching down south leaving her no business left and then summing up their fucked up little romance as the cart takes off Theon begs "let me see it one more time!" and she teases like a great buisnesswoman "see what?" and he tosses her a coin and SHE FLASHES HIM HER PUSSY, NOT WEARING ANY PANTIES UNDER HER DRESS and Theon grins and calls I'M GONNA MISS YOU!
and she confidently says "I know!" like she knows making a dopey insecure guy like him fall for her is easy peasy, goddamn prostitution is pathetic, not for the prostitute though they're just on that grind doing their hustle, people who pay for sex are the fucking pathetic ones lmao, just more degenerate shit like drugs or gambling where you're chasing some feeling of satisfaction you'll never manage since it's all fake shit, thankfully Theon wont have this problem for much longer..
then back in Kingslanding, thank fuck we haven't been back to The Wall in two episode fuck you Jon Snow, Ned is telling his girls they have to go home much to their distress since Sansa has Joffrey and Arya has her training with Spyro the dragon or whatever his name is but Ned tries to explain it's for their safety and Sansa goes on this but spiel about how she's going to be a queen and Ned tries to comfort her saying he'll find her someone king and gentle and strong but she has a fit saying she wants Joffrey wow I guess the girls really do love the bad boys even if they are an inbred autist and Arya and Ned just smirk I guess knowing she's dramatic about fucking everything but when she says that their children will have lovely blonde hair since Joffrey's nothing like the idiot drunk king it hits Ned... ah yes... who else do I know that's a sadistic blond dickhead... and suddenly tells the girls to just pack up and limps off as fast as he can to his desk and opens up that big tome of family histories until he finds the bit about Robs family and reads how every single one of his male ancestors was black of hair with Joffrey being the first one in the recorded history of his ancestry to have golden hair and he sits back like no.... no.... that's fucking gross even for me
then back in mongolia there is a big party going on when the drunken brother wanders in calling for Dany who knows what a shithead he is and that this will end very badly for him so tells Jonah to stop him but he wont listen and starts telling him "nobody touches dragon!" and Aquaman just laughs at him and tells him through Jonahs translation that there's a place for him back there as he sits back seeing what the brother will do and this idiot start ranting that he's a king, gets triggered when Aquaman says he is no king in his first English sentence and draws his sword on Jonah and the music suddenly stops as everyone sees this outsider brought a sword in and Jonah warns them "they'll kill us all" but the brother who's name I've yet to learn has found out, seemingly conveniently of-screen, that it's against their culture to "spill blood in their sacred city... but I can" so he just wanders around holding his sword to women like he can do whatever he wants and they cant even defend themselves until he finds Dany, puts the sword... to her belly... and then demands that he get his crown that he came here for, and one of the thots translates to Aquaman, so the brother tells her to tell him to hand over his crown or hes taking Dany back... "he can keep the baby... I can cut it out and leave it for him" oooh he's an edgy prick and there's a kino shot of him threatening his unborn nephew as the father stops laughing and looks straight at the sword like that's him green lighting him right that instant without even needing to think about it
and Aquaman starts talking in Dothraki and Dany tells him he's saying "you shall have a golden crown... that men shall tremble to behold" and satisfied he takes his sword away and says that's all he wanted, and giggles with joy as if maybe for the first time in his life he might finally be getting some adoration and looks like hes about to hug Aquaman he's so needy but with a word two big guys grab him and ONE BREAKS HIS ARM and he starts hollering they cant touch him because "I am the dragon! I want my crown!" and he starts shrieking like a bitch as they hold him down and then Aquaman casually goes over to a metal pot some food is cooking in over a fire, chucks it out and drops in some golden amulets... and Jonah can tell whats coming and tells Dany to look away, but so can she and she refuses and just looks at her brother completely cold eyed like shes becoming a real Dothraki gangster and the brother sees the melting gold and starts catching on and starts begging Dany for mercy and Aquaman picks up the pot of boiling gold... which I'm pretty sure would never burn over a regular open air food cooking fire and would need to be put in a specially built super hot kiln to melt but ok... walks over to the begging brother who gives one last scream to Dany but looks up and... KAHL DROGO GRUMBLES "A CROWN FOR A KING"
AND DUMPS THE MOLTEN GOLD OVER HIS HEAD!!!!
THUS KILLING HIM WITHOUT SPILLING ANY BLOOD
AND HOPS DOWN IN FRONT OF HIM TO INTIMATELY STUDY HIS DYING SCREAMING FACE AS HIS SKULL IS BOILED THROUGH AND THE METAL STARTS TO COOL AND HARDEN AROUND HIS FUCKING BRAIN AS HE YELPS IN AGONY
BEFORE TOPPLING OVER WITH A METALLIC THUD
AND DANY JUST STARES AT HIM AND SAYS "HE WAS NO DRAGON... FIRE CANNOT KILL A DRAGON" HAHAHAHA WEW LADDY IS THAT GONNA BE A EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 14 FROM ME
ok that was spoiled for me like 8 years ago on /tv/ and it makes little logical sense and uh Aquaman there's literally one line delivery was a little stilted and mumbling but that is a pretty dank ass death I'll give that to them I'm also surprised they killed off this guy who's name I'll never learn now so fast since he's the main element connecting the Dothraki shit to the main storyline but I guess his character of the uppity spoiled fop prince and incestuous controlling brother is already covered by the Lannister family so rip in piss only thing is when I saw the screencaps from this years ago I figured the context would be they are about to give him an actual crown after some more build up and he is sober as he kneels down to get it but then they melt the crown down and kill him by pouring it over his head with Dany having actually put Aquaman up to it she hates her brother so much rather than it just being some random gold being melted, him only getting into that situation because he's dumb enough to stumble in there pulling his piece on Dany while drunk as fuck and it being a spur of the moment decision from Aquaman with no input from Dany other than being glad its happening, I guess things will always be better in my head than they actually are because that seemed more compelling than just this random murder as if they got bored of writing for this character rather than a way that helps further all three concerned characters but I guess that's realisms for you where not every big event in someones life has full thematic weight sometimes someone just gets tired of your shit and pours molten gold over your head, here's a fan theory though: maybe the plot to take out the Targaryens has already started, maybe Varys, is that the spelling? already sent word to his spy Jo... Jorah not Jonah right? to start knocking those platinum blonde pricks off, and that's the real reason he stopped the brother who's name I'll never learn now from running off with the eggs, since he knows if he just keeps him around a little longer he wont be able to stop himself from running afoul of Aquaman and get himself killed? and maybe there'll be a scene where he's meant to take out Dany next but he's too much of an orbiter and defects to her side or something, bonus meme:
Game of Thrones 1x07: "You Win or You Die"
crashing this kingdom... with no survivors! special edition
First aired: May 29, 2011
ok we open on what seems like an armys tent city that's all red and we see inside the biggest tent is Jaime reading the summons letter from Ned to his father Tywin who the first thing we see of him is sharpening a blade to cut open a dead deer, I get the impression that this is to like hint at his lethal nature or something although it's something only a 1st century liberal city dwelling american would try to convey that with since uh hunting was a normal daily activity for survival for most of human existence and still is all around the world but I guess this show is for ultra soyboys who think prostitution is edgy so it probably works, and as he guts this deer he admonishes Jaime for attacking Ned and then starts goading him to say something clever because he knows he's the one man Jaime wont talk back to and then he admonishes Jaime for being too insecure to get it over with and kill a wounded man because it wouldn't be a "clean" kill as Jaime puts it and the practical effects for this deer getting skinned are pretty good bravo whoever put that together this is one of those things you can miss the craftmenship of since you might just not realize its fake but it really stands out as lame if they fuck it up and you can tell right away its fake
and Tywin keeps chiding Jaime for caring about what others think of him and as he slits open the deers lungs he tells him to take half their men, 40K, to Cats girlhood home and remind them a Lannister always pay their debts which I guess is his interpretation of that saying rather than Tyrones more nice way of just giving people gold they promised them he means that they'll fuck you up if you do anything against them lel and Jaime says hes surprised he cares so much about his brother, I guess hoping to hear he doesn't at all because he's probably insecure people like Tyrone better than him despite him being more traditionally impressive, and Tywin explains he's still a Lannister and him being captive brings disrespect to their name and Jaime talks back about oh so you do care what others think and Tywin snaps that's not an opinion that's a fact as if he doesn't have much respect for Jaime being such a pompous git and treats him like a cheeky boy rather than another man who's disrespect is anything more than annoying and not anything like a serious concern and Jaime stands there trying to keep a straight face as his seemingly far more callous father raises his voice to him which probably brings him back to getting his ass whooped as a kid and just stands there shutting his mouth and Tywin spells it out if another house can hold one of them captive they wont be feared anymore and it'll end with their entire family dead if they let this stand which is all that matters not his personal glory or whatever as he furiously saws through this deers skin and he turns around to ask if he understands and Jaime just stands there in silence and nods as if he's talking to an actual lion he doesn't want to make any aggression towards but also doesn't dare even show weakness or fear I'm really fucking liking this actor for Tywin he's immediately intimidating just telling his loyal son what to do never mind how he'd treat his enemies and Jaime's actor plays off against him fantastically and Tywin can tell Jaime's pride is going to get him to do some dumb shit so gives him a little dressing down telling him he's so privileged but all he is is a bodyguard to a mad king and then a drunk king as if lowering his ego will keep him from acting rashly and as soon as he sees Jaime's guard being lowered he goes straight up to him and holds his face and reasons with him that their family could reign for a thousand years if he can just be the great man he wants to be right now and Jaime looks completely enthralled by his fathers manipulations but then get shook as if he's worried he'll fail him as he leaves, really great performances there, but one thing though if everyone involved knows what Tywin is like Cat is kind of a fucking moron to have Tyrone arrested with fuck all evidence other than a hair probably from his sister, she could probably just ask around and find Tyrone was at least helping Bran out afterwards, it'd be quite the dangerous ploy to try to make yourself look framed by giving an assassin your blade when you could have just stayed out of it all together and for some reason thinks bringing him to her sister is going to help the matters as if she can just pass the blame onto her and it wont just get her kingdom involved too instead of just the Starks and not to be a shitlord or anything but she should have really talked to Ned about it beforehand since fucking obviously there's going to be blowback on their family and more specifically their underage daughters who are currently living in the palace his family controls, but I guess that's useless women for you
then back at Kingslanding we get an interesting shot from Ned's POV of him sitting in a garden when Cersei walks up to him looking down at him blocking out the sun and suggests he go back home as he struggles to even stand up to claim to know what the last Hand died over and when Cersei deflects by asking if that's why he called her there to pose riddles, which is almost all the dialog in this show lmao, he tries to throw her off in a way only he could manage by showing his concern and disapproval of Rob hitting her and she says Jaime would have killed him for it and that he's a thousand times the man his friend is, weird that they're making such a big deal out of that slap since that was completely normal back then and seems to be in this world where we've seen people slapping each other constantly, most memorably Tyrone slapping Joffrey and I am pretty sure Cersei slapped her brother at some stage, and Ned drops the bombshell YOUR BROTHER... OR YOUR LOVER?
and Cersei just smiles at him with a poker face like oh that's where you want to go lets go fam and she starts pretending as if she's defensive by stating that the Targaryens wed brothers and sisters for 300 years to keep the bloodlines pure, a tradition Dany's late brother seemingly wanted to keep alive, and when Ned looks like he's falling for it she starts acting more confident by saying they shared a womb together and belong together as if nah actually she's not going to let him try to make her feel shame about it at all and Ned's realized Bran saw them together and she just stares at him like whatcha gonna do about it and then pleasantly but not really asks if he loves his children and he snaps back as much as you love yours as if pointing out if she threatens his kids she has kids too and then drops "and they're all Jaime's" and she keeps on the track of how not-ashamed she is by saying "thank the gods, in the rare event that Robert leaves his whores for long enough to stumble drunk into my bed I finish him off in other ways, in the morning he doesn't remember" lmao @ the epicentre of Cersei's statecraft is wanking her husband off so his heirs are all actually her brothers, probably trained on how to give a good handy on Jaime for years to make sure her plans fall into place (and his cum falls on the sheets), also wonder if this is important to her so she can drop the bomb on Joffrey that Rob wasn't his father in case he ever feels loyalty to his family rather than the Lannisters so he'd hopefully be double loyal after finding out he was a double Lannister, and when Ned says she always hated him she spins a tale about how much she worshipped him and was so glad to marry the king but their disappointing drunk consummation ended with him calling her... by Ned's sisters name lmao and Ned blinks getting a bit shook at the mention of his dead sister, but he wont budge and tells her for the safety of her children her family needs to leave before he tells Rob, who I guess will take the side of the Starks who he still likes rather than the god awful Lannisters who make his life a nightmare, but Cersei just taunts him for not having the balls to take the Iron Throne when making Jaime get off of it after he killed the mad king, which I guess is why Jaime's so bootyblasted at Ned, I'm starting to appreciate all the intricate relationships here since that's what real life is like, too many works of fiction only have 1 protagonist and then the like 4 important people in their lives who get no relationships of their own, when in reality 1 person knows like 100 people and those people all know 100 people and they all probably interact with each other to different degrees and so and and so on, only thing I've read that showed the complexity of social networks well, where even auxiliary characters have their own relationships that have their own history and changes to them, is the Scott Pilgrim comic, where his friends ex will date his roomates ex and his ex will date his ex's ex and shit like that, and Ned says it wasn't a mistake but Cersei says oh but it was, WHEN YOU PLAY THE GAME OF THRONES YOU WIN... OR YOU DIE... THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND! AH YES TRULY WE ARE PLAYING THE ADAPTATION OF GEORGE R.R. MARTIN'S A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE SAGA ONLY ON HBO™ AT 9/8C GAME.OF.THRONES.(2011).S01E07.YIFY.MKV and Ned just grimaces at her title drop meme as she struts off having basically delivered a death threat
then we see CIA watching some cags bathe their children outside and WE SEE A LITTLE 5 YEAR OLD GIRLS NAKED ASS!!!!!!!! AND A 4 YEAR OLD BOYS PENIS!!!!!!!!!! GET THIS FUCKING CHILD PORN OFF MY COMPUTER!!!!!!! NOT EVEN GONNA UPLOAD THE ORIGINAL SCREENCAP OF THIS!!!! fuck I guess it's CIA that's the fucking pedo fucking glass houses and all that mate ok I think that since its probably not even legal for me to see this in this country this is gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 15 from me probably because the only reason this scene is in here is so the casting directors can look at naked kids or some pizzagate shit
and he comes back from the window into his brothel as some whore is doing a very porno performance of getting eaten out by another whore and CIA looks over with a raised eyebrow as if he's not buying her faked orgasms lmao and oh it's Ros who's the one getting eaten out and CIA actually snaps "no no no no! is that what they teach you up in the North?" because she's doing a shit job, heh I bet that scene was meant to be a fake-out where you think oh he's so cool having hot dykes having sex for his entertainment but then he reveals it's basically whore try-outs and they are faking it and not well enough for his whorehouses standards, but it was obvious she was faking it from the get-go since I am an expert in female pleasure from watching hours of BLACKED.com content every day and CIA dresses them down as if they're too dumb to even understand English and makes them start over this time switching gender roles and he reminds them they're not trying to genuinely fool them because they literally just paid them for this they're meant to show them such a good time they forget that they know its fake which takes time and they need to ease into it but both girls are clearly uncomfortable making love in front of this dickhead and CIA coaches them that the angle is the john is winning her over despite herself, which is what he wants to believe will happen anyway, and CIA gets all into it explaining how a man wants to prove he's better than other men when having sex and Ros sees an opening to manipulate her new boss and invites him to join in but CIA says "IM SAVING MYSELF FOR ANOTHER" LMAO THE ONEITIS IS STRONG IN THIS ORBITER is he a fucking virgin too or just a born again virgin, would be quite the kek if all this story is entirely centred around a eunuch virgin and a friendzoned virgin who cant get laid so have nothing better to do than pour all their excess motivation into starting wars just to piss the other one off and Ros says "what she doesn't know wont hurt her" and CIA drawls "a stupid saying, what we don't know is what usually gets us killed" to show his obsession with gaining intel and he describes Cat as "not particularly beautiful, impeccable bloodlines though" which sounds like something an alt-righter would say lel and he says he loved her for most of his life and claims she used to too and starts speaking dreamily about being her confidant and her telling him all her dreams and desires as if even in matters of love he values most learning secrets and then tells them about how he got humiliated by challenging the "Northerner with a jaw like an anvil" aka literally Chad aka Ned's dead brother I presume to a duel since "in the stories the little hero always beat the big bad guy" but he got rekt and Cat had to beg him to spare him because "he's just a boy" and when he died she ended up with his brother "an even more impressive specimen, how could I compare to him? he's just so.... good" he says with a snarl as the whores pretend to climax and he looks on with a sneer as if he's butthurt it's Ned who gets to do this with Cat and he rants about how he learned from that duel he cant beat them at their game by their rules so hes going to FUCK them because he admits that's his nature lmao his whole life is a beta uprising learning to use underhanded methods to overcome all the Chads of the realm who cuck him and as he orders them both to wash as they're working tonight he gives a little smile as if at least he still owns a bunch of beautiful women, some good insight into how CIA thinks about himself and the world but maybe a bit on the nose that a guy so obsessed with secrets would start unburdoning his character flaws and desires onto some untrustworthy, well, cags, who probably resent him and would enjoy selling him out at first convenience
then back at Winterfell we see the wildling woman being a servant and carting a bag of straw around, not sure that's what she meant by how she'd be Robb's I think she was talking about le bagina and it seems like kind of a bad idea to let a bandit who just tried to kill you and your little brother to work in your home but ok maybe an example of how Robb is not an experienced shotcaller yet, and then uhhh I think this is Theon fuck all these guys look the same comes in and starts acting edgy saying where he's from they'd stake her out on a beach and let the tide slowly inch towards her to drown her and this uncivilised uneducated woman just snorts up some snot and asks where the Iron Islands are lmao and Theon gets testy about muh heritage and insists she call him Lord but she doesn't get it and just keeps asking why like a little kid lmao and Theon starts boasting about muh family and she catches onto his glaring insecurities and starts winding him up that he cant be a Lord if his father is a Lord and Theon gets flustered trying to explain but then catches on that she's "having a go at me" and she smirks and calls him a Southerner for being south of The Wall and Theon, who seems to have a thing for feisty gals who'll talk back to him, probably because he consciously likes asserting himself but also subconsciously knows he's not really of high class and gets to externalise this anxiety in a safe environment rather than the nagging feeling that all the dangerous men around him don't actually respect him or his loser family, and they have some more banter until Theon sits down and holds her chin and offers to loose her chain but the old teacher guy catches him getting his rape culture on and asks him if he thinks being a guest or a prisoner need to be mutually exclusive and Theon gets super shook since that's his fucking life basically being a POW they keep around as a pet just because of who his father is and he goes off in a huff and the teacher who seems like a decent man who doesn't want this woman being sexually exploited warns he wont be around next time but she's not worried at all since she's used to far worse men than a dumbass like Theon and the teacher chuckles at her steel and asks why she came down here and she warns him about... the White Walkers
and then back at gay central The Wall, as if reading my mind of the sausage fest nature of this place, Sam says "I miss girls... not even talking to them... I never talked to them... just looking at them" as Jon looks out over frozen tundra from atop The Wall and Sam looks down at what he's looking at and after some squinting sees "riders" and waddles off to raise the alarm but Jon notices it's just a horse by itself running back home fast as fuck as if it's shook so they take the elevator down to see this agitated horse Jon clocks as... his uncle Benjin's horse
then back in Kingslanding the gay brother runs up to Ned with blood on his hands crying about how "we were hunting... and a boar..." hmmmm wonder why that happened off-screen, did he really get boar'd like Sawyers tent in LOST or is this some assassination attempt or some shit, I guess the kino is this power vacume would be caused by literally just random chance and can't be blamed on any one individual or groups intentions as if this is just inherent in the system itself or is meant to be the doings of the gods or some such, well we cut to a sick Rob in bed holding Joffrey's hand so I guess he aint crying fowl yet and he's telling His Wife's Son™ about how he should have spent more time teaching him how to be a man but he was never meant to be a father... yeah you weren't and you aren't mate lmao cuckboiiiiiiii getting cucked by your brother in law like that Adam Sandler movie, and when Ned arrives he tells Joffrey to leave since he doesn't want to see this and Joffrey looks like hes trying to summon the courage to stay but pussies out and runs off and Ned examines his fucked up side that a boar gored him at and Rob has already come to terms with having a lethal infection from the stink, boasts about killing the boar with a knife to the brain and requests his funeral feast to be the biggest ever where everyone gets to taste the boar that got him and everyone stands around awkwardly as if not knowing what to say but knowing they should probably say something while the king is still alive to deal with the whole fucking Joffrey being the next in line but before anyone speaks he orders everyone but Ned out and gets him to write an official decree, with him giving up saying his titles and telling him to fill them in lmao, commanding that.... Ned be the Regent King until Joffrey comes of age... uh oh, guess who's next to taste a tasteless poison, and we see Ned has some very nice hand writing as he offers the paper to the king who urgently struggles to sign it as if he's scared he'll die at any second before getting to put his name on it since he knows his cunt wife will find any excuse not to follow it
and he rests assured that this is at least one thing he did right since even though Ned will hate it more than him he'll do it well, which is kind of true, if you want to be a leader you're probably just a power hungry shithead who'll abuse it to just get more personal power, but if you don't want to be leader your leadership will just be with concern for doing the job right, not serving yourself, kind of like how most admins of forums go insane with power after climbing up the ranks and run the place into the ground within a few months but not me... I've kept rubynet going for longer than Max ever kept ytmnsfw running since I really don't want to be the leader so I rarely ever turn up lmao and my only concern is keeping the place running rather than making sure I'm popular, all my enemies are chased out and all my circlejerk gets what they want or whatever other admins shit up their sites with, also it seems like sometimes the best leadership is to just not do anything at all lmao other than keep the functions of the system running since if you make any decisions one way or another it's probably just one group trying to get you to be bias towards an other, like I remember a meme that's probably complete fake news of some scandinavian country having a government shutdown for 2 years and every metric of the country improved without the government passing any laws and just letting everyone get on with it unimpeded lmao, and then Rob admits Ned was right about Dany, Littlefinger, Varys and his brother are worthless and only he has the sense to tell him "no", and asks him to stop the kill order and try to raise Joffrey to be a better man, and Ned looks down awkward like he knows that little shits already too far gone, but he promises to honor his memory, and Rob just laughs because his reign and even death were a joke and then just asks for something for the pain and to be left to die now, and Ned staggers out to the waiting councilmen and tells them to give him "milk of the poppy" aka some dank ass heroin so he can go peacefully, and the general guy starts blaming himself for letting such a drunk man take on a boar and then sneaky little cunt Varys starts floating... who gave him the wine? as if he doesn't already know, so when the general says it was Incel it makes Ned perk up that he's a Lannister, uh oh, and Varys subtly says oh he hopes the poor lad doesn't blame himself he was only being dutiful knowing what thoughts hes priming Ned for, who limps up to him and orders him to call off the kill order on Dany but he says the birds have already flown
then we see Dany braiding Aquaman's hair as he talks in the gay made up language about how "the stallion who mounts the world has no need for iron chairs" and Dany uses her learnings of their dumb mythology to debate him about how the horse god will ride to the ends of the Earth, which he thinks stop at "the poison sea" since presumably their horses wont drink salt water, but she says she's from those "dirts" beyond the sea, and he corrects her Dothraki and he says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore but she wont let it go, ah welcome to married life mate, trying to find the word for throne, so just says throne in "English", and tempts him by saying it's for Kahls to sit on... or Kalesees or whatever their word for Queen is, but he's not too convinced a king needs a chair and kisses her and walks out
and outside in the Dothraki capital there's a bunch of weird, or at least weird coded for western audiences, customs of people playing exotic instruments, doing *gasp* yoga and feeding a parrot and Dany asks Jorah for help getting Aquaman to understand since their family are the rightful rulers, I guess she still wants to do her brothers mission of taking over Westeros, I don't know why, you'd think she'd just be satisfied living as the most privileged Dothraki or if she doesn't want to be a kept woman anymore come up with a plan to flee, I guess maybe Jorah, who we know is working for Varys, could be talking her into keeping the plan going, but he plays it coy and downplays her aspirations and she starts asking him about dragons again, what the fuck is it with this family talking about their dragon blood, what does that even mean, a dragon fucked a human somewhere far back in their family tree? and then he suspiciously tells her to enjoy the market as he goes to see if he has any letters, and then a little brown shota boy whispers to him that The Spider sends his congratulations and hands over his reward... presumably for getting the brother killed... of a royal pardon so he's free to go home now, and he grasps it struggling to decide what to do with it since he figures if he's getting this then his mission is over... and if his mission is over... a certain Mary Sue is as good as dead
and a merchant tries to talk Dany into sampling some wine, but when he realizes she's the queen he tosses it out and gets... the good stuff, as we zoom in on Jorah clocking what's going on and simmers in inner turmoil as his beta orbiting instincts start to kick in, and when this guy comes down with a barrel one of Dany's guards takes it but Jorah nuts up and tells him to put it down and orders the wineseller to open it, and he tries to say it's too good for the likes of him, but Jorah orders him to open it and drink, and he tries to talk his way out of it but Dany orders him and he pours himself and Jorah a glass and starts egging him on to drink first... but Jorah sees how eager he is and offers him first, and the merchant tries the "I don't get high on my own supply" meme but Dany catches on and orders him to go first and he realizes he has to, takes the glass, nods to Dany, puts it to his lips.... AND THROWS IT AT THE GUARD AND LEGS IT BUT THE GUARD WHIPS HIS LEG LIKE SOME SPIDER-MAN SHIT AND PULLS HIM FLAT ON HIS ACE LMAO lel throught he was going to drink it anyway because he knew he couldn't get away and was going to get tortured and/or executed anyway so might as well take ye olde cyanide capsule or something and at least then they might think he was innocent and didn't know and not fubungle the mission any further
then back at The Wall the general guy is welcoming all these criminals and outcasts but also rich men and highborns and tells them that it doesn't matter because on The Wall they're all one House, which reminds me of how in the US army it doesn't matter what race you are everyone gets along, of course unless you're transgender then get the fuck out and of course unless you're rich then you're probably going straight into being an officer lmao so this barren hellish shithole in a medieval world is more woke than the US military, and Jon's still worried about his uncle and Sam jokes that he wishes he could help a cool Ranger like him but a Stewards no use, I guess he's just like a manual labor guy up there and not an actual warrior due to being an obese neckbeard incel, and the general guy comes down and tells them Nights Watchmen give their life for the realm, not a king or a lord or a house or a woman's life, and reminds them that before they say their vows the penalty for desertion is death, and there's some world building shit where he asks if anyone still follows the old gods, and Jon stands up, and he tells him where he can find a special type of tree past The Wall his faith says their vows in front of or something, again more progressive than the US military that'd probably get you bullied for years if you were a muslim, and Sam offers to go with him but when some other general guy asks why he'd go on a pilgrimage from a different faith Sam converts on the spot from the seven gods to the old gods lmao he's that desperate to keep his one friend and they let him do it, yep he's gonna get brutally murdered by some zombie or something, and as the general reads out everyone's appointments now they're swearing in he reads out that JON IS A STEWARD lmao get fucked and one of the asshole leader guys smirks at Jon as if he arranged that because he doesn't like him being some entitled rich twat or has something against the Starks or some such drama and Jon goes in a huff with Sam to the other stewards as this, oh he is blind, blind old guy tells them their boring servant jobs for the day, and he sends one to One-Eyed Joe in the stables which sounds like a euphemism for a dick or something maybe his job is jerking off the horses, and Jon is told the asshole Lord Commander has requested he be his personal servant, and Jon gets uppity and the old man just tells him this is what being a Nights Watchman means, and Jon has a huge tanty to his friends about how unfair it is and his skinny friend tells him he was singing for a Lord WHEN HE PUT HIS HAND ON MY LEG AND WANTED TO SEE MY COCK and when he pushed him away he said he'd have his hands cut off for stealing their silver (guess that's why you shouldn't hack peoples limbs off for crimes or people will just use it to threaten innocents with, *cough* shithole muslim countries *cough*) so now he's ended up there with no one to sing for, no family and never be inside a woman again, so don't whine about fair, and Sam is like I thought you stole cheese, and he says "think I was gonna tell a bunch of strangers that a high lord tried to grab my cock?" and they they both get awkwardly silent and Sam I think actually purposefully tries to get rid of him by asking him to sing a song but in a nice way as if he's trying to console him and the #metoo guy storms off so Sam can tell Jon, who's looking super awkward as if the guy is right and he has relatively little to whine about, that he might be this guys slave, but this guys the big boss in charge, and that lets him in on all the powerful meetings and letters and maybe he can have his job one day, and Jon whines that he always wanted to be a ranger, which I guess is this worlds marines or something little boys are told are the most badass, and Sam says "yeah and I always wanted to be a wizard" lmao wrong fantasy franchise mate
then back in Kingslanding the gay brother asks for a moment... alone... with Ned, who excuses his guards, and as soon as they leave the brother starts telling him he'll give him 300 men to secure Joffrey away from Cersei that night or it'll be too late for both of them, and Ned swallows nervously as he's pretty much the acting King now Rob is incapacitated and soon to be dead and his first issue is his brother basically proposing they do a coup first before Cersei can, and Ned suggests going to Stannis, but the gay bro claims hes no better and not king material, and then he drops the bombshell, that HE is, and Ned instantly knows what this prick is trying to do, and tries to defend Stannis as a good warrior, but the brother points out that evidently doesn't make a good king I assume referring to his own brother, and Ned just says he wont dishoner Rob by spilling blood in the castle and dragging a frightened child from his bed and tries his best to storm off with his limp, then later at his office he's writing an official order for Stannis (and specifies not his wife who maybe we'll find out is a dangerous lady) to be delivered that he stamps with his wolf sigil, wonder if that gets a crown now, and then CIA comes in and Ned tells him what he no doubt already knows that Joffrey and Tommen are actually Jaime's bastards which makes the third brother Stannis next in line and CIA goes "unless..." and this moralfag by the book dumbass Ned says "there is no unless, he's the rightful heir" and CIA tells him it'd be wiser to let Joffrey stay next in line presumably because he's a spoiled twat who'd be far easier to control than some battle hardened expert tactician and Ned is like "do you have no honor?!" and CIA points out how powerful Ned is, being both Kings Hand and Protector of the Realm, he's basically both Interim President and Prime Minister or some shit, and CIA starts dropping mad epic plans for how to keep the peace by getting rid of Stannis and if Joffrey causes problems "we" just drop his little secret and place the gay brother on the throne, who it seems CIA has at least some leverage over knowing he's gay, and Ned winces at "we", and CIA just smirks that Ned's going to be so easy to manipulate he has such a by the book mentality and straight forward motivation and explains he needs help and Ned's like "that's treason" and CIA says "only if we lose" ehehehe what a cheeky cunt, and I'm sure after all this the real endgame is Ned has a little accident after he's served his usefulness and ol CIA is there to comfort Cat, but Ned wont even get onto step 1 of making peace with the Lannisters because they tried to murder his boy as he holds the assassins blade and CIA tries to talk this seemingly more pacifist guy out of it since Stannis means war but Ned insists "there is no other choice... he is the heir" and then reveals that he called CIA there because he needs him to send the City Guard to reinforce his men from the Lannisters soldiers and CIA just smirks and taunts him that he knows what he has to order but it's dishonerable so he can't say it and he starts spinning the assassins blade so the handle faces Ned as if to imply he needs to start being a real gangsta but also so the blade's pointing to him like some sort of demented spin the bottle game and asks "when the queen orders one thing and the hand another... who do the city guard follow? well who pays them" which would be him I assume he's trying to indicate unless he's trying to play spin the bottle with Ned or something
then back at The Wall Jon and Sam and some lads and a dog are going behind The Wall to go on some dumb pilgrimage to a tree because Jon is a stupid theistcuck and the boys look out into the tundra for their first ever trip behind The Wall and when they get to the tree it's got some super fucking creepy face carved into it and blood, maybe put on by them, crying out of its eyes, and Jon and Sam repeat their vows as the other men stand guard and once they finish they tell him "you knelt as boys, but now you rise as men of the nights watch", and this fat idiot Sam cant even stand up on his own hes so tired from the cold lmao, but the other men still respect him and hug him in congratulations for saying the vow, but then his white wolf runs out of the forest carrying.... a human hand, uh oh
then we see Dany and Jorah discussing how their tied up assassin is going to be executed by being lead behind a horse for as long as he can run until he falls and gets dragged to death, yikes, and Jorah warns Dany that Rob's assassins will follow her everywhere as if to steele her determination to wage war on Westeros, and the Aquaman and his men come in and he looks legit concerned for Dany and then realizes the man who caused this is right there and just glares at him as the guy shivers in fear and then goes over and kisses Dany with genuine affection and then he turns on Jorah who tenses up but he thanks him for saving his wife and gifts him any horse he wants and hugs him, and then he pledges to Dany that he'll get their son the Iron uh chair and conquer the seven kingdoms in front of all his men and they all start cheering him on as he rants and raves about killing the men in metal suits and um I WILL RAPE THEIR WOMEN and enslave their children ok nice and Dany just looks at this absolute savage going off his nut about all the warcrimes hes about to commit for her and its like she's proud of herself for inspiring such devotion but also admires how driven he is, very uh very nice and epic feminist character everyone circlejerks over who is literally in love with a serial rapist and doesn't want him to change, me thinks that Jorah didn't actually have a change of heart and the poisoner was set up to fail by Varys because he knows this guy will spill the beans of who sent him and a close-call will enrage Aquaman to attack Westeros but also keep Dany alive for future manipulations as she's going to be the Targaryen that spearheads this war since if it was just dumbass Aquaman it'd just be a chaotic clusterfuck and not a precise plan they can manipulate and maybe Jorah's conflict was if he should just let her actually get poisoned so Varys plan falls apart and the war is less likely to get as bad as it might
then Aquaman leads his huge caravan of men riding horses out of the "city" as the poisoner is marched, stark naked with his cock flopping out, tied to the back of Dany's horse, and he starts to stumble and fall before they even get out the front gate, also PLOT HOLE THIS GUY IS CIRCUMCISED, since I doubt Westeros is as savage as modern day America and idk if thats the actors real dick or maybe a prosthetic or something dumbass American production designers made cut since cut dicks literally look like died up callous plastic dildos lmao ok now I dont feel bad for this guy getting dragged behind a horse he has already lived his life as a pathetic half-man so it's a mercy to kill him and he's already endured having his skin cut off his body before so its no big deal
then back at Kingslanding a messenger approaches Ned and his bodyguards unsheathe their swords halfway and hold him back as they're on high alert for shenanigans but Ned lets him through and he says "Queen Cersei and King Joffrey request your presence in the throne room" and Ned's like... KING Joffrey? uh oh and the messenger tells him "King Robert is gone, the gods give him rest", rip, Rob was a good character, rather than the usual either all cruel or all dopey King trope that the other characters are trying to depose he was his own well fleshed out character by his end and he really came across well in the writing and the acting like a guy who was more at home as a soldier than some old fat drunk loser forced into responsibilities and a marriage he didn't want but at the end of the day he was still an alright guy and never did anything bad, other than slapping his wife I guess but he should probably get a medal for that since it was Cersei, and then Ned meets with the virgin crew CIA and Varys
who tell him the City Watch is his but also that the gay brother has fled the city with 50 men of his own and an exhausted and sweating Ned gives a deep gulp bigging himself up for the most important few minutes of his life and gimps his way into the throne room as the head of the City Watch tell him they stand behind him and some announcer guy starts giving Joffrey's insane spam titles as Ned and his personal Winderfell guards and City Watchmen approaches up to him sitting on the Iron Throne with his mother at his side past an entire throne room full of Palace Guards, City Watchmen, Lannister Soldiers and the general guy standing in front of them as if it could descend into a bloodbath at a seconds notice and Joffrey orders the counsel to get his coronation ready because he wants to be crowned within the fortnight, lmao this little zoomer wants to get crowned while playing fortnite xD
and starts demanding vows of loyalty from the counsel... but Ned brings fourth the general guy and says no one could question his honor and gives him... King Roberts final will... with his unbroken seal... ye olde metadata checks out... and Joffrey looks at his mother like oh shit and she scowls at Ned like she's not even going to bother threatening him since she knows he wont back down, and the general guy reads out the decree much to Joffrey's shock and when Cersei asks to see it... SHE TEARS UP THE DECREE!!!!! and is like "WAS THIS MEANT TO BE YOUR SHIELD? A PIECE OF PAPER?" WITH A BIG SMIRK oh f-f-f-f-fug and the general guy is like b-but those were the kings words and shes like WE HAVE A NEW KING NOW and Joffrey actually grips the armrest of the throne and goes a bit white as he realizes on his first few minutes as king that this shit aint no motherfucking game and he's in the real big boy shit now and Cersei tells Ned she'll offer him some counsil now.... BEND THE KNEE and swear loyalty to her son and they'll let him live out his days
and Joffrey sits there super tense like this is the first serious moment of his life he can barely handle and Ned just start telling the truth that Joffrey has no claim to the throne making him bark LIAR and Cersei just orders the general to arrest him and Ned orders his bodyguards not to harm the general because he's an honerable man and Cersei smirks "you think he stands alone?" and The Hound, wearing some fucking metal fursuit get-up, draws his sword, and Joffrey stands up and shrieks KILL HIM! KILL ALL OF THEM! I COMMAND IT!
and everyone in the room tenses up and Ned orders the commander of the City Watch that just said he was on his side to arrest the queen and her children and Cersei just smirks at him but the commander keeps his word and orders his men to point their spears at the Lannisters forces and Ned tries to reason with them to lay down their swords for a peaceful outcome but... THE CITY WATCH COMMANDER YELLS "NOW" AND HIS MEN SPEAR NED'S GUARDS TO DEATH
AND THE HOUND JUMPS DOWN CLEAVING THROUGH ANOTHER ONE, IMAGINE GETTING KILLED BY YE OLDE FURRY, THE HUMILIATION
AND WHEN NED GOES FOR HIS SWORD.... CIA HOLDS A KNIFE TO HIS THROAT AND QUIPS... I DID WARN YOU NOT TO TRUST ME :^) looks like getting caught wasn't part of his plan :/
awwww fuck, I was wondering if CIA was meaning the City Guard are paid by him and not maybe the Lannisters but I guess they were... and he really is working for them kek, I feel like maybe a better way to play that would have been instead of le ebin twist of the City Watch betraying him in a big violent eruption it just becomes obvious to Ned that there will be bloodshed that he'll be on the losing side of, so instead of losing all these lives for the inevitable he just surrenders peacefully or something like that to show how honerable Ned is, but I guess the betrayal is important because it shows he's TOO honerable and too trusting of CIA, it's not just that he's an idiot and refused to play along with Joffrey to at least walk out of there unmolested to fight another day he legit thought he could arrest them all since he went in there ready for Cersei to not respect the will, and I like how she points out a piece of paper wont protect him, that's a shout out to all the dumbass Americans who think the constitution protects them when in reality laws go out the window the zeptosecond someone gathers more ability to project force than who wants to enforce those laws and in any civilization above hunter gatherers thats going to be who controls the most capital aka the Lanisters aka THE FUCKING JEWS
Game of Thrones 1x08: "The Pointy End"
spamming charisma checks special edition
First aired: June 5, 2011
we open on Arya training with wooden swords with her training guy and cut to some LANNISTER SOLDIERS KILLING NED'S BODYGUARDS and we go back to Arya's all very precise and choreographed training as she probably imagines battle being glorious and the trainer tells her the probably useless finer points of how to move her feet in flowery poetic language and then we cut to the the pretty clever juxtaposition of what combat is really like of some guy telling some I guess Stark servants to load up a wagon as they're packing up to leave when LANNISTER SOLDIERS RAM THE OLD MAN THROUGH WITH A SPEAR AND START HACKING AND SLASHING THE SERVANTS TO DEATH
wew laddy and then we see Sansa and the Septa, I guess named because she follows the 7 new gods, walking down a hallway as Sansa complains about Arya and her dancing lessons, I guess they told her that because it's not appropriate for a girl to learn to fight, or Sansa is just so dismissive that's what she assumes it is, but the the nun lady grabs her as she hears the screaming and clang of metal and this lady knows whats up and tells her dead serious to lock herself in her room and she runs off as a door buckles and four Lannister men with bloody swords arrive and she walks towards them calmly, getting ready to die if she has to, to talk to them, and then in Arya's training her tutor lies about which way he's attacking to get the drop on her to try and explain not to listen your enemy, but watch where their eyes telegraph where they'll go, and she gets all huffy that its dishonerable as he gives her some more flowery language about the heart of swordplay, I think I'm gonna enjoy whats coming up next since some Lannister guards storm in tell Arya her father wants to see her and as if proving the trainers point their eyes don't exactly match up with their innocent words and they point out Ned wouldn't send Lannister guards and they just laugh and advance towards Arya who picks up her sword and the trainer steps up to defend her and the guard is like FOREIGN BASTARD lmao red cloaks more like red MAGA hats or was it gold cloaks idk and the trainer twats him in the head with his wooden sword lmao ok I thought he was going to get killed effortlessly but THE GUARDS ATTACK HIM AND HE 1V3S THEM WITH HIS TRAINING SWORD BRUTALLY BLUDGEONING THEM AND FLIPPING THEM ONTO THE GROUND AND THEIR LEADER DRAWS HIS SWORD AND THE TRAINER TELLS ARYA TO RUN AS HE FACES THE LEADER WHO SIMPLY CHOPS HIS WOODEN SWORD APART
uh oh and the trainer asks "what do we say to the god of death?" as Arya demands he come with her but she remembers his lesson of "not today" and flees realizing he knows hes about to give his life as he tries to fight this guy with basically just a wooden stake and as Arya flees down the dark hallways with a flaming torch she hears violent fighting all around her not knowing where to go and then we see Sansa running away but... The Hound casually turns the corner and his eyes light up when he sees her and Sansa starts threatening to tell her father... but she realizes that's whats going on and tries the queen.. and The Hound just smiles "who do you think sent me?" and keeps approaching her, then we see Arya at the slaughtered horse and cart crew and looks for her sword but some fat kid catches her intending to get rewarded from the queen for turning her in (when he said "I want you" I thought he was gonna rape her or some shit, also I get the impression that these two characters are meant to have met before by the way Arya reacts to him but maybe it was just a bad take from quasimodo here, but maybe there's a deleted scene or something) and as the fat kid grabs her ARYA RAMS HER SWORD INTO HIS BELLY oh shit girl and as he collapses Arya flees in shock, good, kill all males who grab at females tbh
then in a dark dungeon Ned is chained up and Varys seemingly in secret since he's disguised as a guard comes to him with something to drink but Ned is apprehensive so he drinks it himself complaining "why does no one ever trust the eunuch?" and then tells him Arya's escaped but Sansa has been captured and kept to marry Joffrey and Ned blames Varys for not doing anything to stop his men being slaughtered and Varys just says straight up he ain't no hero and asks why the fuck he spilled the beans about Joffrey having no claim to the throne, should have gone the hole hog and said his father is his uncle lmao, and Ned says she was hoping she'd save her children, I guess maybe he was gambling she'd not want them to know who their father is and back off of Ned lest he spill those beans, and Varys laments its always the innocents who suffer and blames his mercy for killing the king, idk what that means, maybe Rob would have fought harder to live, if that's even a thing, without Ned being nice to him, or someone had Rob poisoned because they knew Ned would be next in power and is a total push over, and then he just tells him straight up he's gonna die and Ned tries to lie to himself that Cersei cant kill him since Cat has her brother hoping or some prisoner exchange, but Varys says "the wrong brother sadly" yeah not the one she fucks and he says Tyrone skipped through her fingers, did he? I guess last we saw him he was leaving the crazy queens mountain palace but was that him leaving alone to go off on his way? Cat didn't think to keep him? or was she stuck there with her sister? or is Varys just lying to take Ned's hope away? well that's what happens and he tells Varys to just get it over with and slit his throat but Varys refuses and goes to leave and Ned asks him with a smile as if might as well be honest to a dead man who he truly serves and he tells him "the realm, my lord, someone must" so maybe he really is just trying to serve the greater good and only playing defensively against CIAs aspirations... yeah right
then back at The Wall they've found the frozen corpse of Othor and Jafar who's hand the wolf tore off but not Jon's uncle, no fucking idea what the fuck this storyline is and feel I missed something about like someone coming to make Jon come back south from his family but I'm not sure there was, and Sam points out they don't smell bad so maybe only died recently, and the general admits "you may be a coward, Tarly, but you're not stupid" and Sam nods like "hey I'll take it" lmao and he orders for the Maestro to take a look at the bodies, I guess that was ye old coroner or something, and then the general guy is reading a tweet and tells Jon to pour him some ale and some for himself and Jon can tell that means its bad news concerning him but follows his orders anyway and the general tells him the king is dead and that his father has been charged with treason for conspiring with the kings brother to keep the throne from Joffrey and Jon cant believe it until he reads it himself and then immediately marches off and the general reminds him his duties are there but Jon grumbles toughly that his sisters are down there and the general tries to convince him they'll be treated gently but Jon's not so sure
and then down south we see a quite smug Cersei sitting surrounded by CIA, Varys and the real old dude across from Sansa telling her her father is an awful traitor which Sansa refuses to believe thinking her father wouldn't do that... because of her love for Joffrey lel, this Sansa loving Joffrey shit is a bit weird, she comes across as a total airhead with zero judge of character, but maybe she's a bit smarter than that and knows no matter who the king is marrying him is the ticket to the best possible life or so she thinks, and Cersei comforts her that they don't suspect her but cant let her marry Joffrey and the old man starts talking shit about how she might be sweet now but who knows what plans she'll hatch in the future this guy seems like he might be completely cucked by CIA and who knows what his angle here is and Sansa begs to be allowed to be a good queen just like Cersei which makes her recoil as if she's looking at a younger more innocent version of herself that thinks all her problems will be solved if she can just marry a king and CIA actually vouches for Sansa, maybe just having the old man put the pressure on Sansa so she'll fold and do whatever they order of her, and CIA suggest she prove her loyalty as Cersei tells her to write to her mother and eldest brother to convince them to come to Kingslanding to swear allegiance to Joffrey, probably just so she can kill them, or at least CIA wants Cat there so she can put the moves on her, and Sansa tries to ask to see her father but Cersei starts turning the screws saying what'll happen to him depends on her brother... which depends on her...
and then we see Robb receiving Sansa's letter as if this is ye olde text messaging but this is probably several days later and the wise teacher guy saying it's her writing... but the queens words... and Robb gets triggered they'd expect him to kiss their arses and declares he'll be going to Kingslanding... but with all his Bannermen, who I guess are land owners who swore loyalty to the Starks and will get all their serfs to ride for them since they don't have a standing army themselves like it seems the Lannisters do, and he sits beside Theon who looks on approvingly, but asks "you afraid?", and Robb looks at his shaking hand and admits "must be" and Theon tells him "that's a good thing... it means you're not stupid", since he's the only one there that's actually seen combat before and knows it's some bigboy shit
then in the crazy queens palace Cat rushes up getting triggered about her not telling her about the letter updating the recent news which she doesn't think is a big deal since Robb wont be able to do shit against the Lannisters and Cat asks for her backing as her little shit zoomer son starts squawking that hes hungry and trying to get her tit out lmao and her sister sends him to a bath and basically tells Cat she's not going to endanger her son going up against the people who probably already murdered her husband and storms off
then we see Tyrone walking down a woodland path with the badass bodyguard guy, called Bronn, oh ok he is still in Cats custody I guess, and he threatens to leave Tyrone if he keeps whistling but and he calls him out that he's sticking with him because he knows he can get him riches and Bronn admits it but says he wont be bending the knee anytime soon, and Tyrone admits he just wants his proficiency with murder and probably in an effort to charm him rather than be basically asking for extortion he says if he ever feels like selling him out he can always beat any price and as if to assert himself keeps on whistling to subconciously hit home that yeah he works for him now
then they're sleeping around a dead camp fire with some wild animal smouldering over it at dawn when Bronn wakes Tyrion up as he hears some rustling in the woods and takes his sword out but out from the mist comes.... a dozen viking looking motherfuckers, and the manlet realizes he'll have to charm his way out of this one and offers them their goat but their leader says to tell the gods Shagga sent them, lol Shagga nice name, do you shag sheep up in the woods mate, and Tyrion introduces himself as a Lannister, and the leader doesn't give a shit and asks how he wants to die, and Tyrion defuses the situation with humor by saying "in my own bed, at the age of 80, with a belly full of wine and a girls mouth around my cock" knowing a rough guy like this probably appreciates vulgar humor and the guy starts laughing and Tyrion smiles thinking he's won him over but not in the way he wants, the leader says "take the halfman, he can dance for the children, kill the other one" oh fuck and Bronn takes out a fucking kukri blade ready to go down fighting but Tyrion grabs his swordhand and yells no no no no no no knowing this is his time to shine rather than a man of violence's and starts telling the leader how rich and powerful his House is but he doesn't believe him so Tyrion goes for demonstrating he's a courageous man who tells it like it is and wouldn't make empty promises by mocking them for hiding in the woods hiding from the crazy queens men with their shitty weapons they can only kill sheep with and the leader gets triggered and SLICES THE MANLETS FACE WITH HIS AXE and Tyrion is like ok failed the fucking charisma check on that dialog tree so he tries handing over a jewel encrusted ring and promises to give him... the whole kingdom of Vale, who's Lords want him dead, so he figures its time for some new ones, and the leader looks up like yeah, he's convinced, so going for the angle of having a common enemy after humor and trying to act tough didn't work since this guy's concerned with defeating his enemies more than any charm or bribery, smart moves manlet and pretty good writing for the tv version of going for the dialog option instead of combat in an RPG lol these dudes even look straight outa skyrim
and then back at The Wall Jon is getting bullied in the kitchen by the asshole leader guy for not only being a bastard but a traitors bastard and JON TAKES A KITCHEN KNIFE AND ATTACKS THE GUY LMAO and the other lads have to hold him back and the asshole guy tells him he'll hang for this and the big head honcho tells him he's confined to his quarters, uhhh dude just tried to kill a superior officer lmao shouldnt he be in a cell or something, nice plot armor
and then in his quarters his white dog, ghost, is barking at the door and he follows it into the Commanders quarters only to find them empty and THE GUY THEY THOUGHT WAS DEAD IS STANDING BEHIND THE DOOR AND HE RAMS JON UP AGAINST THE WALL WHO STARTS STABBING HIM TO NO EFFECT SO HE HEADBUTS HIM, TAKES OUT HIS SWORD AND LOPS OFF ONE OF HIS HANDS BUT THE DUDE KEEPS COMING AT HIM UNTIL JON RAMS HIS SWORD THROUGH HIS CHEST FELLING HIM and the Commander comes in and is like wtf m8 and Jon goes to see him but THE DEAD DUDE STANDS UP AND CASUALLY TAKES JONS SWORD OUT OF HIS CHEST AND DROPS IT
SO JON GRABS THE COMMANDERS LANTERN AND THROWS IT AT THIS ZOMBIE MOTHERFUCKER SETTING HIM ON FIRE LIKE A MOLOTOV FROM L4D SO THEY CAN ESCAPE wew laddy we The Walking Dead now
then we cut to the Dothraki doing some ISIS shit where they are burning down a village, murdering all the men, tearing down its stone idols and carrying their women away and Dany's guard tells her Aquaman will sell some of them for slaves for gold so they can buy ships, them now believing in gold and ships... because of her, and she looks on at the innocent villagers being beaten and corralled into a goat pen, and she orders them to stop and her guard thinks its their crying that's annoying her and says he'll have their tongues cut out and Jorah tries to warn her off but she persists with her order and the Dothraki argue about it but Jorah comes in and saves a woman and Dany takes some other women too as if she knows she cant save everyone and the Dothraki are getting all huffy about it one goes to whine to Aquaman about her taking his "spoils" he was about to mount and Dany just comes out and says it, in a gay fake language, that yeah, she's taking them so they cant be "mounted", and Aquaman tries to convince her this is just how war works and she suggests if his men want to mount them then take them as wives, probably knowing they'll refuse that offer, and the rapist guy is like "does the horse mount the goat?" as if the women are not worthy to marry them and Dany maddogs him and says "the dragon feeds on the horse and the lamb alike" literally some fucking edgy anime shit a 12 year old would say on xbox live and Aquaman smiles at his wife's big balls as she talks down to the warrior and he laughs saying it's her son making her so fierce, she's going to give birth to a fucking dragon or some shit isn't she? and Aquaman sides with his wife and tells his warrior to go find somewhere else to stick his cock, and the guy gets super triggered and challenges Aquaman to a duel for taking orders from "a foreign whore", and Aquaman stands up, telling him he wont get funeral rights, and just walks into his blade letting it cut his chest, and the dude swings at him but he effortlessly dodges out the way, extremely fast for such a big guy for you, and he goes on this big edgy rant about how his corpse will be exposed to the elements and rot away from bugs and shit and takes out his two knives, drops them on the fucking ground like he doesn't need them, rushes the guy dodging all his swings and SLITS THE DUDES THROAT WITH HIS OWN BLADE AND THEN... TEARS OUT HIS FUCKING TONGUE AND WINDPIPE!!!! that's gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 16 since I'm pretty sure that's not biologically possible
and he holds it up for all to see what happens to those who question him and then tosses it in a pile of used meat and then Dany realizes its time to keep this dude on her side and rushes him to worry about how "my sun and stars is wounded" and he looks at the gash he actually gave himself on his enemies blade to show what a mad lad he is and says "a scratch... moon of my life" and one of the slaves actually offers to help but one of the warriors doesn't trust her, calls her a witch and gives her the ol five finger discount, oh wait does that refer to shoplifting? ok he slaps her then, but Dany convinces Aquaman to let her treat him since she knows the rudiments of cleaning and sewing a cut unlike these horsefucking retards
then back in Winterell Robb is talking to a Lord, having brought Theon and for some fucking reason his crippled 10 year old brother too, trying to summon his forces and of course he is arguing about it since all TV show scenes have to have some conflict in them as it's the easiest way to build characters and plots and hell its probably realistic there's lots of scummy people out there who really do just argue non-stop with everyone in their lives, and this dude is having a tanty about how he refuses to march behind a rival of his, and Robb realizes this is a moment to nut up, so he threatens to come after him once he's done with the Lannisters for being an oath breaker, and this dude pulls a blade and starts screaming abuse at him but A DIREWOLF JUMPS UP AND TEARS THE DUDES FINGERS OFF lmao and Robb basically says he should kill him for that but lets just pretend he was going to cut his meat for him and this dude kicks his chair away and looks around seeing if his men will back him up but they all respect Robb so the dude just laughs and says "you're meat is bloody tough!" and laughs at his missing pinky and ring finger like a madlad and Robb grins and starts laughing that he's glad this dudes on his side and he wont have to fight him and Bran just looks at this room full of adult men all laughing in hysterics about a dude having a wolf eat his fingers like wtf is wrong with this world, alright I'm gonna call it here these dire wolves are starting to take the piss, the one attacking Jaime makes sense and Bran's one guarding his sickbed makes sense but it's a bit retarded here that a wolf attacks their landlord and none of his fighters do anything about it as he gets mauled in a room full of his best soldiers seems like a wee bit of the ol deus ex machina
then later that night Robb tells Bran he has to leave without him and he has to stay as the oldest Stark in Winterfell, and then a little brother we've never seen before comes out of the shadows and now it's Bran's turn to try to comfort a little brother, but he doesn't believe he'll ever see their parents again and leaves upset, and then the wildling woman who's kept in ankle chains comes across Bran praying to that same sort of white true with red leaves we saw Jon praying to and it turns out she follows the old gods too and they have some banter about her condition and this uncivilised but experienced qtpi murder hobo warns him that the gods wont protect his brother down south since they cut down all the trees there, and this tree also has a face with bleeding eyes carved into it as if it's a natural effect and that's its sap or something, and I guess the Lannisters or someone who supports the 7 new gods wanted to stop worship of the old gods so destroyed all their trees like some ISIS shit, but as they're talking theology someone comes lumbering up out of the forest... but it's just Hodor... completely naked, with his very large cock hanging out brilliant
and covered in flower or something? not sure wtf he's all white, and the wildling thot giggles and comments he must have giants blood in him, and Hodor smiles like a dumbass, and this woman seems to know he's harmless but it'd be a good idea to butter him up by appreciating his manhood so he stays on her side, until Bran tells him to go get dressed and he waddles off, and once he leaves she gets back to gaslighting Bran about how giants are real up North... and worse, and how all the swords should be going North, not South
and back at The Wall they're burning the corpse of the zombie it seems Jon figured out to kill with fire and Sam says "they were touched by White Walkers, that's why they came back, that's why their eyes turned blue, only fire will burn them" which he read in a book in the library, I guess being a nerd comes in handy sometimes, and he says the White Walks sleep in ice for a thousand years and when they wake up.... well he just hopes The Wall is high enough and they all look up this huge big thing that would give Trump a lethal boner
then we see Cat and her pigtail neckbeard arriving at Robb's armys camp and he delivers the news about the Lannisters armies, one for Jaime and one for Tywin, latest movements that their scouts are reporting on, remember that for when armies start teleporting around at random later on in the show, and all the Lords stand up when Cat arrives as if they respect her more than Robb and all clear out as soon as she asks for alone time, and even Theon gets shoved out by the crazy lord guy who promises they'll ram their swords up the Lannisters BUNGHOLES which is a word I only know from Beavis and Butthead lol and then greets the neckbeard guy and comments how he's "not wasting away" lol fatass and then Cat hugs her son and tries to talk him into letting all these warlords go do the fighting without him but he wont budge and he shows her Sansa's letter, and she realizes she's actually the queen now if she's going to marry Joffrey, and she realizes there's no mention of Arya, and Robb starts to bottle it not thinking his 18K forces are enough and considers just bending the knee, but Cat knows he wont be allowed to leave and it'll have to be war because Tywin had the Targaryen children killed in their sleep when the Mad King fell, and Robb just smiles knowing his mother will have to have faith in him winning this war as it's the only choice to save their family
then we see Tyrone walking through a field with his new bodyguard and the hill tribe savages and they arrive at...
the Lannister army's camp, and Tyrone warns him to wait there, but the leader ain't hearing it and threatens to cut his manhood off- and Tyrone finishes the thread "and feed it to the goats, yes" like the guy is an NPC with only so many edgy threats lmao so Tyrone swallows and says "alright then... time to meet my father" as if he's far more scared of him than these savage bandits and a hint at why he's had to become so silver tongued
and this big squad of about three dozen viking guys march through this tent city to Tywins tent and Tywin sounds annoyed that Tyrone isn't dead like he's heard and he introduces him to "Shagga, son of Dolf, chieftain of the Stone Crows, Timmet, son of... Timmet, ruler of the Burned Men, this fair maid is Chella, daughter of Cheyk, leader of the Black Ears" and we see this nasty ass bitch with necklaces of frostbitten ears around her neck and then he turns to his new bodyguard and says "and her we have Bronn, son off..." and he quips "you wouldn't know him" lissss how very genre savvy of you and Tywin looks at him with a wonderfully subtle mischievous glint in his eyes like he can tell this guy has huge balls to make a joke to a man like him and appreciates a fellow man of such rare will and Tyrone starts giving out all of Tywin's titles and sits down for a drink but Tywin takes it away from him and Tyrone tries to lighten the mood by saying "surprised you'd go to war over me" but Tywin isn't one for merriment and starts admonishing him saying Jaime wouldn't have given into capture so easily and they update Tyrone on Jaime heading off to Cats hometown, Ned being imprisoned, Rob being dead and Joffrey being king, and Tyrone bricks it a bit as he realizes "my sister rules you mean" and Tywin just smiles at him like what else bitch, and Tyrone starts to try to arrange for the weapons he promised the hill tribes but a messenger runs in to update them on Robb's army and Tywin instantly hops up trying to contain a smile as he's ready to cause some carnage and issues his battle orders, walks past Bronn as if he figures they'll meet again and then maddogs the hill tribe leaders and offers they fight with him in return for their equipment, and Shagga agrees... on the condition that the halfman fight with them and Tyrone looks like he's about to shit his pants but his dad just looks at him, all 3 feet, and Tyrone knows the sadistic old cunt will allow it lmao
then at Robb's camp the warlords are arguing about which army to take on first but Robb says either way they need to cross a river controlled by Lord Frey who's supposedly a coward who turns up late for wars when suddenly guards come in with a captured Lannister spy and Robb quickly turns over the map they were placing pieces on to plan for the war as if the guards fucked up bringing an enemy into their HQ but the madlad Lord laughs and says "don't worry son, he wont be leaving this tent with his head" and the scout just stares at them like he's ready, which Robb appreciates, and the older men can tell what hes thinking and say he doesn't have to do it himself, but he orders for him to be let go and edgily goes to the scouts ear and says "tell Lord Tywin... WINTER IS COMING FOR HIM" ebin, many upvotes my good sir, these retard guards really should not have brought an enemy spy in their planning tent lmao, and the spy thanks him as they usher him out, and the crazy warlord yells at Robb ARE YOU TOUCHED, BOY? and Robb just maddogs him and dares him to call him boy again and manages to keep it together as this old guy struts out, an easy reading of that is just Robb is just green and isn't used to ordering executions yet and we'll see him get more and more hardcore but maybe he's actually a mater ruseman and he knows those plans were shit and were going to change them from what they were arguing over so is actually fine with that guy returning to Tywin and reporting their old plans so they waste time travelling to the wrong place
then we see Ned asleep in the dungeon, when a guard comes up and kicks him just to keep him awake, probably on orders from one of the many enemies he has there who know what sleep deprivation does to someone, IRL out of all the crazy torture and drug techniques the CIA researched in MK ULTRA the conclusion was if you want someone complaint... just keep them awake for a few days and they'll drift off into a very suggestible state, kind of a let down really, but of course, like all torture, this isn't very good for getting the truth from someone, you actually DON'T want someone to be overly suggestible when interrogating them because they'll just tell you what they think you want to hear and it's hard not to accidentally lead them on, but like pain compliance torture that's the point and has been since medieval times, to force people into giving false confessions, not actually get actionable intelligence, that's why the greatest boom for torture in ye olden times were periods like the witch hunts or the inquisition, forcing people to confess to things that are literally physically impossible, so the torturers can provide their masters with "evidence" and get paid the quickest way without having to actually learn real facts, and it seems to be the same thing with the modern day intelligence agencies lmao, just force some random goat hearded to say oh yeah al quada works in this village so they keep getting funding and the military gets the green light to go bomb some random shithole and everyone's happy, I feel like I've ranted about this before in a thread, anyway fuck america and fuck CIA in real life and in this show
then later we see Sansa walking into the throne room looking super awkward as everyone stares at her as the old ass man swears in all the new staff and Joffrey and Cersei awkwardly smile at Sansa and we see Verys and CIA watching, and CIA is LITERALLY doing the SAME hands on his belt pose from TKDR from the fucking baneposting memes, jesus christ m8
then the honerable gentleman guy steps up to the throne and Cersei tells him to take off his helmet... and relieves him of his duties, but he says the Kingsguard takes an oath until death, and Cersei says "who's death? yours or your kings?" as if she's giving him a choice to take the latter excuse lest she gives him the former and Joffrey mocks him "you let my father die, you're too old to protect anyone!" and Cersei appoints Jaime as the new head of the Kingsguard and he cant believe they'd appoint a Kingslayer to that position and Varys can tell this is going south so tries to assure him he'll have a comfortable retirement but the old dude wont accept and he starts taking his gear off in a huff saying he'll die a knight and CIA mocks "a naked knight apparently" and everyone chuckles but the general dude DRAWS HIS SWORD, AND ALL THE OTHER GUARDS DRAW THEIRS and the ringing metal sound... that doesn't actually happen irl because scabbards aren't made of metal, bounces around the throne room as Cersei just stands there smiling at him like she doesn't give a FUCK if he wants to retire or go down fighting and everyone stares intensely, especially CIA and Varys, as the guy boasts he could 1v5 them... but he tosses his sword down and Joffrey flinches like the lil cracka bitch he is and tells him to add it to the others on the throne and storms out, and Cersei nods to a guy as if to continue with the proceedings and the guy is about to close the meeting but Sansa asks to speak and kneels in front of Joffrey and begs for mercy for Ned, and Joffrey seems to get off on having her prostrate herself before him, his first person begging him as king, and she starts pleading that everyone knew he was the last kings friend and that he's not a power hungry person who must have been tricked, but all Joffrey cares about is Ned saying he wasn't meant to be king, and Sansa tries to excuse it by saying he was taking milk of the poppy, lmao dude I was just high, and Joffrey thinks it over as if she's getting to him... and Varys seems to take her side... but the old ass man barks TREASON IS TREASON! and Sansa pouts with huge eyes like a little girl at Joffrey and gives him one last beg and Joffrey sits back not knowing what to do having had every decision made by his mother so far and Joffrey decrees that he'll show mercy... only if he confesses and admits he's king, and Sansa promises "he will" as we pan down to the all-encompassing blackness of the Iron Throne, that was an alright episode, just a lot of moving characters around and setting up the battlelines for the next two episodes though, a "housekeeping" episode as the producers of Lost used to say where you need to put everything in it's right place neat and tidy like some Marie Kondo shit
Game of Thrones 1x09: "Baelor"
don't lose your head special edition
First aired: June 12, 2011
we see a close up of Ned's eye flinching as he sees a torch coming since he's gotten used to the guard coming to kick him away but it's actually Varys who's there to bring him more water to keep him alive since he looks like he's about to fucking die from exhaustion, oh, and he's being kept in the dark which is another good way to fry someones brain they found in MK ULTRA, sensory deprivation, people have stayed awake for like 2 weeks and gone completely mental but after being allowed to sleep they went back to normal and I recall had no long term health affects, sensory deprivation however will melt your fucking brain as it starts misfiring more and more with no data to process until it physically atrophies, so again something else not very safe to do on someone you want information from but good to just turn someone into a gibbering wreck that'll believe and do anything you tell them, anyway Varys talks about how when he was a boy he travelled with a band of entertainers, who before they cut his balls off with a hot knife, taught him how to act, and he claims he's just acting the role of the duplicitous court spymaster and isn't really an evil person and Ned just laughs and asks him to free him but Varys reminds him he's no hero either, then Ned gets tired of the flowery mysterious writing in this show and just demands to know who he really is, no riddles or stories, what does he want, and Varys bends down and tells him "peace" and then tells him about how Robb, who I just realized is probably named after King Rob, is marching South to face the Lannisters, and Varys warns Ned to shut up about Stannis being the rightful heir, which is a weird storyline since we haven't even met him yet, and just play ball with Cersei for the greater good but Ned refuses to serve the woman who probably killed Rob, butchered his men and crippled his son, and Varys loses his temper for the first time and yells at him to call off the war and submit to Joffrey for the sake of the realm but Ned's all like "you think my life is something precious to me?" this niggy ready to die for his principals even if the rest of his life probably would be miserable shit posted on The Wall, and he says some edgy shit like "you were raised by actors, you learned from them well, I was raised by soldiers, I learned how to die a long time ago" I guess he means has seen so many people die and by his own hands he's come to terms that that'll happen to him one way or another or that when you're a soldier you have to learn how to let go of your emotional attachments even to your own life and Varys tries one last gambit and asks "what about your daughters life my lord, is that something precious to you?" and leaves with that to ponder... and possibly a threat if he's not as nice as he claims
then we see a crow flying out of a castle that seems to be apart of some big dam but it gets shot down by Robb who intercepts it's letter that's just a happy birthday note but Theon ponders that maybe that's not all worrying about any encrypted messages and they start squabbling about if they should just force their way across this bridge or pay the toll which is a bit daft you'd think such a vitally important choke point would already be controlled by one of the seven rulers and not some random jackass, and when Cat goes to see him I am pretty sure this is the actor that played the squib janitor in Harry Potter lel and he's surrounded by his quite poor looking family that he argues and grumbles at as he sits on a shitty chair in his shitty dank castle and they do what is becoming it's own trope in this show where Cat asks for privacy and he has to usher everyone out including a young girl who's arse he slaps and then he says to Cat "you see that? fifteen she is, a little flower, and her honey's all mine!" and does that thing old men do where they half grumble half chuckle to themselves and that's aaaaaalmost an edgy from me but fuck it 15's still legal in some part of the world in the modern day kek including some places in Europe and the lord basically tells her he aint doing shit because Robb's 20K men are all going to be 20K corpses when Tywin gets to them but he's also not going to hand them over since he hates all the powerful families for refusing to marry from his family again this is a bit retarded that this guy hasn't been replaced by the Lannisters or the last King if he makes moving armies across the land such a ballache fucking dumb plot sorry
then at The Wall the big wig commander is giving Jon a fancy 500 year old sword with a wolf at its hilt as a reward for saving him from that zombie, it was meant for his son but he dishonered his family and fled Westeros, wonder if that's Jorah he's talking about, and he says he's ordered the asshole commander guy to deliver that severed arm to Joffrey to get his attention that the White Walkers are really back (not sure how he could tell the difference between that and just a regular frozen dead persons hand but ok) and it puts some distance between Jon and him, bit convenient that Jon didn't get like immediately hung for swinging a fucking knife at a commanding officer for insulting his father but also happened to save the bigwings life nice plot armor Jon, then outside the men are congratulating him on his reward and Jon pretends to smile but as he's leaving his face drops as he's just playing along and is really miserable about whats happening to his family and when he enters the mess hall the lads all demand to see it and when he draws it for him they grab it and run around playing with it like retarded kids and Jon just lets them and sits down next to a depressed Sam who tells him he saw a raven message about Robb setting off for war and Jon gets even more fidgety to leave, I would usually be suspicious of Sam telling him that as if he's winding him up but I think he's just a fat incel retard lol
then back at Robb's army camp Cat returns and says the lord has agreed to let them through and add his own men to his army... as long as he takes on his son as his personal squire... uh oh, is this dude going to be super inbred and learning disabled or some shit, and Robb just agrees without thinking but she also agreed... that Arya would marry his son Waldron when they come of age, that's gonna be a big yikes from me dawg, but I'm sure they'll find some excuse when they get to it... oh and a third demand, that Robb marry one of his daughters, and Robb knows he'll have to but cant help but ask "did you get a look at his daughters?" hoping they're at least hot as Theon sniggers to himself like a twat and Cat awkwardly says "one was..." and Robb looks worried but just gives in and says "I consent" willing to do whatever awkward shit to get the mission done thinking that's how you be a brave king but this is easy shit compared to what's coming I'm sure
then back at The Wall the old blind man has Jon help him feed the crows and lectures him about how Night Watchmen don't take wives or have kids so they can be bound to their duty, and he asks what his father would do if he had to choose between his duty and his family, and Jon says without hesitating what was right, no matter what, and the blind man says then he's 1 in 10,000, most of us are not so strong, and the messed up thing is he's not just blustering, Ned really is ready to lose everything to do the right thing, and the blind man starts trying to drive home the temptations of a loving family and Jon can tell what hes trying to do because he knows about his family drama and this blind guy opens his eyes and tries to look into Jon's to talk him out of deserting but Jon's not hearing it, so the old man says the gods were kind when they tested his loyalty because he was an old blind frail man already when he got a raven about his family's deaths but what really set him off was the little kiddies got murdered too (here's a fucking idea, don't let these guys get ravens from their homes about all the tragedy and family life temping them to flee this barren hellscape or maybe just let them leave once a year or something on leave so they don't go totally nutso) and Ned asks him who he is, as if getting your family murdered narrows it down by much in this world, and this old blind guy admits... that he's Aemon Targaryen, and he turned down the throne that went to his nephew, the Mad King, oh shit, and he tells him with his sightless eyes quivering that he must make the choice for himself, he wont tell him what to do, but he has to live with it for the rest of his life, like he has, Jon should just kidnap this guy and ride back to Kingslanding and make him be king lmao since technically I think he'd have a higher up claim to the throne that Joffrey but I guess what Cersei said who gives a fuck about technicalities on paper all that matters is who's paying the military which is some realism if I ever heard one, see: every shithole third world country that has a coup every two days
then with the Dothraki Aquaman's passed out on his horse and collapses by the road, and one cheeky cunt says he cant be Kahl if he cant ride, hmmmm me thinks that """"helpful"""" woman might have avenged her people while treating him after she saw no one could ever beat him in head on combat, and Dany tries to order them to camp there but the second in command guy refuses so she demands to see the witch lady or else she'll tell on him to Aquaman
then at Tywins army's camp he is getting updated on Robb's armies status by his generals when Tyrone waddles up doing a good job of pretending to do a bad job of pretending to be nonchalant as if he tries to seem like a harmless goofball in front of his father as the best method to avoid his wrath but it doesn't always work as Tywin tells him him and his wildlings will be... on the frontlines and he tries to hide a smirk as he sees his son squirming in fear, and Tyrone starts trying to explain last night the savages got into a fight that ended with Shagga trying to cut off a dead mans cock lmao what is it with this show and mutilating penises? ah yes americans I forgot and Tywin places the blame on him for "his men" not having discipline and Tyrone just snaps "surely there's quicker ways to have me killed" but Tywin just smirks to himself and says that's the end of the conversation and Tyrone storms off knowing he cant win and when he returns to his tent his new bodyguard has a woman there that he "took from a ginger cunt three tents down" and gives him a cheeky smirk like he fucked the guy up but Tyrone tells him why he'll be dead soon so it doesn't matter and this guy who you'd expect to try to shake him down for money just says "oh well" and then goes to find his own woman since he brought her here to cheer up Tyrone awww what a good mate and then he talks to this whore about how... his mother died giving birth to him, which is probably the real reason his father resents him, not because of his dwarfism, maybe dwarfism causes pregnancy complications, you wouldn't think so since they're, you know, smaller, but maybe their head is super big comparatively or something, and he asks what this woman's accent is, and she just says "foreign" as if to imply she just puts on a fake exotic accent to entice customers, and he asks her not to fuck any other men while they're together in return for safety and shekels which is a bit sad that he thinks this is the only way he can keep a woman by literally paying for it and the woman shows she agrees by dropping her robe and whipping her tits out and straddling him and kissing him of course at the end of the scene so they can easily edit it out, I'd find all this "suspiciously healthy looking for a medieval serf and suspiciously sexy by modern beauty standards woman... gets her tits out to have le sex!!!" cheap titillation shit but they juuuuust get away with it that they're always whores so it kind of adds to the sordid miserable texture of the world where live is cheap but I'm sure most of the audiences misses that reading and just thinks LOL TITS LMAO!!!!
then back with the Dothraki Aquaman is laying in a sweaty fugue state mumbling in a tent, you'd think after long enough of living by retarded ass Black Panther leadership by combat culture every leader would die from infections from slashing their mates rolling around in the dirt and you'd think at one point someone would get an IQ over 60 and not do that anymore but I guess not, although maybe there'll be a dank twist where it turns out the guys blade was poisoned and he was bribed by Varys or something, and Dany cries about how strong he is but Jorah takes out a knife... and uses it to take his bandage off and sees a huge infection coming from the gash in his chest and says he'll die tonight and suggests they flee since they don't honor bloodlines here they just fight for command and the next big dog will just kill her baby so there's no rivals but Dany refuses to leave like the dumb thot she is and then the second in command brings the "witch" in who he thinks did this to Aquaman, and yeah I agree, I get an infection can get bad quick but you'd think he wouldn't be so fucking retarded to cut himself if people died so easily out there from that or self harming to prove how cool he is would have gotten him killed a lot sooner, and the edgy guy threatens Dany for letting the witch do this, and she tries to be edgy back by ranting about dragons, but he doesn't give a fuck and leaves, and Dany suggests Jorah wear his armor, and for some reason Dany trusts this witch and begs her to save Aquaman and she suggests a spell... that you have to pay with a death, and she glances at her belly as if that's her first thought, but then requests his horse, who's fucking smarter than Dany because it can tell he's about to die and should get the fuck out of there, but the men reign him in and this edgy witch gets everyone to leave, with Dany insisting she stay because she seems to genuinely love Aquaman now, but when the edgy witch SLITS THE HORSES THROAT SO HE BLEEDS ALL OVER HIS MASTER, she's like nope.jpg and wanders out
and all the Dothraki are glaring at her for allowing blood magic and dishonering their brony centred culture like that, and the edgy warrior guy elbows a guy trying to stop him, shoves Dany out the way and runs into the tent to kill the witch but Jorah draws his sword to defend m'lady and the edgy warrior CHARGES AT JORAH WHO BLOCKS HIS CURVED BLADE BUT THE WARRIOR SLICES AT HIS CHEEK AND DIVES AT JORAH KNOCKING HIM DOWN BUT HE GETS BACK UP
AND JORAH BLOCKS HIS BLADE BY HOLDING IT BETWEEN HIS ARMORED ARM AND CHEST AND THE WARRIORS LIKE N-NANI?!
AS JORAH SLICES INTO THE SIDE OF HIS HEAD KILLING HIM
wew, I love these short little brutal fights that end in some good gore, reminds me of this pretty obscure heh if I do say so myself show called Banshee that's set in the modern day and has people getting their brains smashed in with dumbbells every episode, and I like the detail of Jorah kills him in the way he warned about, because he was wearing plate armor, which the warrior had never faced before, so had no idea how to deal with someone who could just grapple his blade, adapt or die you sand savage, and then apparently getting tossed to the ground made Dany go into labor so they bring her into the witches tent so she can deliver the baby but there's this ungodly fucking growling sound coming from inside and Jorah just carries her in doesn't seem like a good idea but ok
then back with the manlet he is playing some game with the whore where they hold a burning candle between their forearms to see who can endure it the longest or something edgy I guess this was before Fortnite existed so this is what people did for fun back then and when Tyrone is first to break we see it's the bodyguard guy who put them up to it and they both laugh at him lmao and it's a drinking game where the loser has to drink, never understood that since isn't that what you want to happen, normies are weird, and the cag jokes about how she's not immune to pain just used to it with a giggle, well that's depressing, and Tyrone demands a new game he's good at where he basically invents a version of Never Have I Ever where if he can guess something from their past they drink but if he's wrong he has to drink, but the whore is uncomfortable with that, so he challenges Bronn first, and he guesses "your father beat you" and Bronn drinks and adds "but my mother hit harder", pretty easy guess in this world where it's probably weird to NOT hit your kids, next guess is "you killed your first man before you were 12" and Bronn shakes his head and says "it was a woman" and Tyrone takes a drink pissed that he got it wrong on a technicality and the whore looks at him like uhhhhhh but he explains "she swung an axe at me!" lmao and the next guess is "you've been north of the Wall" - a drink - and the cag asks why - he says work - next guess is he once loved a woman but it ended badly so he never let himself love again... but Tyrone realizes "oh wait that's me" and drinks lmao I think this is his sad way of trying to open up about his feelings, then he turns on the cag but she refuses to play, and Tyrone starts "your mother was a whore" but she makes him drink, he tries again "your father left the family very young never to return" and very very shockingly she tells him to drink, probably a technicality there where she never had a father, and Tyrone gets desperate, squinting at her as if trying to tell if his lie detection skills are being too muddled by the drink, and says "you wish you had another life" but Bronn points out "whole shit stained world could drink off that one" and Tyrone tries harder guesses she used to be a Silent Sister, I guess some sort of nun, but she demands he drink, and she leans forward and says "and don't talk about my mother or father again, or I will carve your eyes from your head" like she's just copying the edgy way men talk to each other in this world, and Bronn smiles at how edgy she is, then its her turn and she just asks him who he was in love with not caring how the game is played since she's pretty sharp and knows how to get them moving on from talking about her and get the manlet to open up to her for further manipulation/make him feel connected to her and Bronn spills the goss that Tyrone used to be married and they manage to nag him into telling the story, with Bronn literally perking up on his elbows and then flopping down on a pillow as if he's an excited highschool girl at a sleep over
this is quite the weird scene to be having between a man and his whore... and his male friend... I guess Bronn loves some good tea in the black twitter slang way as much as real tea, and Tyrone tells the story that he met her when he was 16 when Jaime saved her from being raped when he was still nervous around girls because of his height, as all manlets should be, but he somehow ended up in bed with her and they got married on a whim... until his father was informed, then it turned out Jaime arranged the whole thing and paid a whore to pretend to be a damsel in distress so he could get his big little brother laid lmao, that's pretty fucked up but I guess really nice by Jaime's standards, but Tywin... BROUGHT IN MY WIFE AND GAVE HER TO HIS GUARDS, HE PAID HER WELL, A SILVER FOR EACH MAN, HE BROUGHT ME INTO THE BARRACKS AND MADE ME WATCH OK, THAT'S A BIG OL EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 17 FROM ME DAWG LITERALLY FORCING YOUR OWN SON TO GET GANG-CUCKED, WEW LADDY, I guess this is Tywins fucked up way of trying to toughen his most useless son up so he doesn't fall for sappy ruses anymore and learns the real nature of The Eternal Roastie, and Bronn said he would have killed him and the whore says he should have known she was a whore, and Tyrone excuses that he was only 16, drunk and in love, and the cag points out an actually quite fucking common trope in fiction "a girl who was almost raped doesn't invite another man into her bed two hours later" as if she knows all too well and then climbs ontop of Tyrone for another go and Bronn just leaves awkwardly lmao holy fuck no wonder he thinks he can only pay for female company and no wonder Jaime only wants to fuck his sister, although I guess if they had different mothers maybe Jaime's older than Tyrone and he wasn't the younger boy I was picturing in that story, wait I'm retarded midgo would be younger either way nvm, still nice and edgy detail that was defiantly a backstory put in only for character depth and not at all the demented wank fantasy of a repessed old obese man
then the next morning Bronn awakens Tyrone with a hemlet to the chest and says he's sleeping the war away and he asks the cag to cry for him if he dies but she just says "you'll be dead, how will you know?" like there's no reason to pretend anymore after that and he leaves his tent wearing his little child's armor and little short sword that's a full sword for him and almost gets trampled horses oh jesus and Bronn tells him to just stay low and he wont be noticed if he's lucky and he quips "I was born lucky" as in born low to the ground lmao and he walks to the savage allies hes made and summons the Stone Crows, Burned Men, Black Ears, Moon Brothers and Painted Dogs to rally behind him and Shagga clangs his two battle axes he specifically requested and they all start chanting their support for the HALF-MAN! HALF-MAN! HALF-MAN! HALF-MAN! HALF-MAN! and Tyrion smirks as he's got enough gangsters riding with him to actually survive
but then they all rush into battle...
TRAMPLING THE POOR MANLET IN THEIR STAMPEDE LMAO
and when he comes too later we get a creepy dream-like upside down slow-mo washed out shot of a battlefield full of fallen soldiers with Lannister bannermen riding through as Tyrion is being literally carted through the carnage on the back of a cart and Bronn looks down and lets him know "you're a shit warrior"
as they arrive at the outskirts of the battlefield and we see a huge array of dead bodies and Tywin's forces going about killing the few injured survivors and I think I hear a Wilhelm scream in there, well, that was a good gag, but I'm going to guess they went with it to avoid the massive budget it must take to show a battle of that scale on-screen, and we see Tyrone ask about their tribesmen, and he looks over at the Black Ear lady cutting a screaming victims ear off as men from two different tribes beat a man to death lmao and he quips "good to see they're getting along" and Tywin rides up wearing some almost samurai style helmet and tells him their scouts were wrong, there were 2000 Stark bannermen not 20, perhaps Robb did do that ruse to them by letting the scout go, maybe that's why he asked how many men he counted knowing he hadn't counted their full forces, but they all got rekt anyway, but they haven't captured Robb who's still with his remaining 18K men, and Tywin just rides off as if he doesn't even care to explain further to his useless manlet cuck son
then we see Cat and her pigtailed neckbeard confidant crying tears of joy when she sees Robb arriving on horseback... having captured Jaime! who Cat demands her family back from but he just jokes he misplaced them too and Theon goads them to kill him for taking out 10 of their men in front of them but Robb knows he's more useful alive and as they're about to take him away to chain him up Jaime offers to end the war right now and saves thousands of lives if Robb will duel him "swords or lances, teeth or nails" but Robb says he knows, even in his beaten and bloody state, Jaime would win so turns him down and Jaime just smirks at him like yeah he might be his hostage but at least he still knows he could kick his ass, and Robb mourns the 2000 men they lost I guess to Tywin's army as they sent the majority of their forces after Jaime's army, and he gives this big speech about how "this war is far from over", not exactly inspiring gotta work on that kid
then back in Kingslanding Arya is still wandering the streets and she catches a pigeon and snaps its neck for food but then she spies a pie and begs the seller for one but he tells her to piss off so she offers him the dead pigeon lmao but no sale and she considers just stealing them... but then some kids run past telling her they're bringing the Hand of the King out... and she follows the crowd to the centre of the city and climbs and statue to be able to see... a stage... and a pale and exhausted Ned Stark gets brought out... and he looks out over the cheering crowd to see Arya, but still has enough wits around him not to react, and the crowd screams abuse at him, and he yells to the one loyal man left to him and motions to Arya hoping he'll look after her, and he's brought in front of Joffrey and Cersei and an upset Sansa and a super smug CIA and he starts introducing himself and... he looks at Sansa who nods that this is the right decision... and he starts to confess to treason, and admits to plotting to murder Joffrey, and the crowd screams abuse at him and someone throws a rock at his head lmao, I suppose maybe Varys convinced him to do this thinking it was his best chance to survive and didn't want CIA to get the satisfaction of having him killed and him being kept alive would fubungle his plans, and Arya grips her sword as if she wants to rush to save him, but Ned keeps cucking and declares that Joffrey is actually the rightful king, and Joffrey looks super pleased as if that's all he wants to hear and looks at his mother who gives him a pity smirk as if letting him think one mans deceleration actually matters, and Ned tries to hold back tears as he sells out for his family's sake, and the old ass guy with chains around him asks the King if he'll give justice or mercy
and Joffrey announces to the baying crowd that his mother suggests posting him on The Wall, and "m'lady" Sansa has begged for mercy.... and Sansa smiles as if she's done her duty as a daughter and her prince will make everything alright and Joffrey thinks about it as if he's checking to make sure this is the right decision and goes with.... yeah fuck it lmao and announces BUT THEY HAVE THE SOFT HEARTS OF WOMEN *TIPS FEDORA* SO LONG AS I AM YOUR KING... TREASON WILL NEVER GO UNPUNISHED! BRING ME HIS HEAD!!!! LMAO THE LITTLE CUNT!!!! AND CERSEI DOES THE 300 MEME AND SAYS "THIS IS MADNESS!" NO! THIS!! IS!!!
EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 18
AND THE CROWD GOES WILD AND SANSA SCREAMS FOR SOMEONE TO STOP HIM FINALLY REALIZING WHAT A PRICK JOFFREY IS AND VARYS RUSHES UP TO TRY TO TALK TO HIM BUT CIA JUST SMIRKS AT HIM LIKE "WAS GETTING EXECUTED PART OF YOUR PLAN?" AND ARYA RUSHES THE STAGE BUT THEIR ONE REMAINING FRIEND GRABS HER AND THE EXECUTIONER WHO EVERYONE CAN FUCKING SEE ALREADY PUTS ON HIS HOOD, DRAWS A HUGE BROADSWORD AS SANSA SCREAMS IN TERROR FOR HIM TO STOP...
and the world goes quiet for Ned as he sees the crowd screaming abuse at him but he doesn't care at all... he's just looking over to try and look at Arya one last time... but cant see her... and just hopes that his ally has gotten her out of there... so he just puts his head down not wanting to make it any worse by giving her an excuse to rush up there... and in front of a dodgy greenscreen that looks fuzzy around his hair ruining the shot lmao... THE EXECUTIONER BEHEADS NED STARK!!!!!
with only really that frame showing any gore for like a 15th of a second and Arya is now looking at the world in complete silence as all she can see through the crowd is pigeons flying away... heh that will teach you for killing our friend you little cunt
welp I guess that's why an edgy 13 year old shouldn't be King, anyway just like the golden crown kill I got spoiled on this years ago and in my head I thought it would be more of a gradual build up with Need having meetings with all of the cast members and there being building political tensions where they threaten to kill him if Robb doesn't bend the knee and Ned gets a chance to cuck out in front of the crowd but refuses and then dies for his principals by decree of Cersei to really drive home that this isn't a world for sticking to your morals, where here he dies after giving them up for the sake of his family on a whim from the incel King, this way it seems sort of rushed for the shock of Joffrey's decision, even though it's kind of telegraphed Ned's story is over as he points out he doesn't care to have a life banished to The Wall, but I gotta admit I am enjoying this quasi-realism "this shit has consequences" angle they're going for, which I mean is a futile effort at the end of the day since all stories have to be made up entirely of patterns the audience recognizes on at least some level or you've ended up with simply bad art (and honestly you can have so much realism people don't believe it, e.g. bizarre things happen in real life that you hear about all the time because of their rare nature but if you put it in a story people would reject it because the chances of it happening are so low it would seem like contrived storytelling, like in real life almost every high profile serial killer only got that many kills because of incompetent police overlooking them and then only get caught because they were arrested for some other crime, but if that happened in a movie you'd say oh yeah how likely is it the cops are so dogshit at their job they actually hand the victim back to the killer after he escaped what lazy writing to keep the story going and oh what a coincidence another victim happens to go to the police only about the handcuff left on him by the killer and they happen to not have the key to open it and he happens to decide to take them back to the killers house and the cops happened to barge in without a warrant and the killer happened to have a severed head in the fridge they smelled clearly that would never happen the writer just cant find a way to conclude this section of the story, but that's literally Jeffrey Dahmers life lmao) never mind in this sort of story with 1) fucking zombies and dragons and shit and 2) set in a medieval time period and everyone has perfect teeth and speaks modern day english and shit, and they give it a good job with like the king dying from just a boar attack and Aquaman possibly dying just from a little cut, but if you want actual realism just go read true crime or something or literally play dungeons and dragons where due to a bad dice roll the hero really can just stumble and fall off a cliff and die, but just for the sake of mixing it up a bit from usual American TV where there's always some deus ex machina to keep the good guy around but it's also not just the usual grimdark GOTCHA! BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT CHARACTER DYING AT RANDOM! shit writing you get from people like Joss Whedon at his worst trying to be """"gritty and realistic"""" this actual makes logical sense that this characters actions would lead to this result for him and yeah if this was real life there'd be no getting out of it and he'd just die without his daughter using his ninja skills to rescue him or some shit its just the end for him and it's only shocking because of it's, well, starkness, compared to most tv shows where the shock is coming from oh the hero got through another narrow escape using his wits and intuition against the odds for the billionth time or oh look some completely nonsensical random thing happened that you had to contrive the logic around to allow to take place ebin so uh yeah good this sets the stakes that this universe is basically set on hard mode and every decision a character makes actually matters because them just being our protagonists is not going to keep them safe however it does leave the narrative in the odd place of our two characters closest to protagonists, Jon and Dany, are physically quarantined at the opposite ends of the world from the main plot in Westeros for seemingly seasons and seasons to come, like I'm pretty sure it takes Dany until fucking season 6 to get the fucking boats already to cross the sea, oh well those two are boring Gary and Mary Stus anyway thankfully we have my waifu Cersei to keep me entertained
Game of Thrones 1x10: "Fire and Blood"
RIP george bush special edition
First aired: June 19, 2011
we open with a nicely done but edgy close up shot of the executioners sword panning down with a guard walking by in the background and the baying crowd when we reach the bottom dripping with Ned's blood and in a great detail they have clumps of his hair stuck to it with blood dripping off the strands
and out of focus we see the executioner raise Ned's head to the screaming crowd as we pan down to see Arya being called boy over and over again by whoever this guy is idk if we're meant to recognize him since there are like 200 fucking characters in this show and Arya sees her fathers body being dragged off the stage and Sansa fainting lmao and this asshole starts slicing Arya's hair off to disguise her and keeps calling her boy despite her insisting she's not, I guess the implication being he knows but he's going to disguise her as a boy since she's so ugly lmao and is forcing her to play the role right off the bat with no questions like some reverse crossdressing fetish, I'm sure this will end well and wont have anything edgy about it like a gay pedo trying to see her cock or something
then Bran has another one of his dreams about chasing the three-eyed crow and it transitions smoothly to him getting the wildling slave woman to carry him to where he saw it in his dream on her shoulders irl because Hodor is too scared to go in the crypt and even she is as if she can feel there's some bad jewjew down there and Bran gives her a history lesson about how the Mad King kidnapped Lyanna and Rob fought a war to save her but she died anyway hmmmmm I'm sure that will come in important and then suddenly from out of the darkness there's A MONSTER GROWLS AT THEM AND THEY BRICK IT AND FALL OVER but it was just Rickon's wolf lol trolled and the wildling lady yells at him for not having the dog in the kennels but he, ironically, says to her that he doesn't like chains owned thot, and it turns out Rickon had the same dream of their father being down in the crypt, and the wildling woman tries to explain it away that they're both just worried about him... but they meet his old teacher... and we get a good shot of them from above peaking out of a window looking down onto the courtyard as if it's from the POV of someone spying on them as if there's always someone eavesdropping on the powerful families as the teacher presumably gives them the news, I assume that a lot of this show is simply skipping over the like day that it would take a crow to deliver messages across this vast land lmao, its really weird as someone born in 1990 to imagine a world without instant communication, like for most of human history people had no fucking idea what was happening even in the next village over unless someone physically rode a horse over and told you, which probably explains why social media completely fucks normies in the head since they're not evolved to handle that many social cues and that much information
and then we see Cat at some old castle their forces are staying at and they all bow to her and say M'Lady as the news of Ned getting rekt has gotten to them and she walks calmly into the forest before she breaks down crying but then she hears how men deal with their emotions which is Robb hacking at a tree with his sword as hard as he can in a fit of rage ruining the blade lmao and his mother comforts him as he promises to kill em all but Cat is thinking straight and says they need to get his sisters back first, good acting from him tbh
then back at the Kingslanding throne room there's a bard singing a comical song to the court about King Robs death that includes the line "I'll have your ugly head, you're nowhere near as murderous.... as the lion in my bed" in reference to Cersei's family sigil lmao and she turns the resting bitch face, which it seems at times that Lena Headey was cast specifically for since she always seems like she's just had a pomeranian shit on her lap or something, up to 10
as she looks at this guy whos getting more and more nervous as if he realized this song mighta just been a bad idea and she's thinking she could have him killed with one word as the song finishes "the lion ripped his balls off and..... the boar did all the rest!" and the court is just super awkward standing there in silence like yeah we shouldn't laugh at that... but Joffrey starts clapping and it turns out that the bard, who I'm not sure if this was the previous bard we saw and he actually survived that arrow because it seemed to hit his instrument first, was caught singing that in a tavern... and Joffrey asks which he favors his fingers or his tongue and the man thinks about it and Joffrey threatens to just cut his throat and the bard, maybe trying to use reverse psychology on him and hopefully not getting too smart for his own good or worse getting caught says every man needs his hands your grace, and Joffrey just says "tongue it is" and the man starts begging as the guards grab him and Ser Illin who I guess is the executioner takes out a huge knife and pliers and starts heating them over an open fire with a blank look on his face as if he just completely zones out when doing shit like this it's such a common occurrence to him and the bard begs and cries for mercy but Joffrey is already bored and leaves the rest of the matters to his mother and walks off to talk to Sansa who cant keep her eyes off the bard in the background's pleading being muffled as his mouth is held open and his tongue is grabbed and we don't get a close-up only in the blurred background just like Ned's execution as if this brutality is already becoming a part of daily life that no one focuses on that much under Joffrey's reign of like one day so its fairly artfully done but this is still gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 19 from me
and Joffrey tells her to walk with him and walks off but she doesn't leave until The Hound orders her to and Joffrey starts talking about how when she gets her blood he'll put a son in her "mother says that wont be long" as if he's not actually hit puberty yet and not too fussed about sex other than what his mother tells him he has to do and then Sansa realizes he's taking her to see THE SEVERED HEADS OF ALL THE STARK PARTY THEY'VE KILLED
AND JOFFREY POINTS OUT "THAT ONES YOUR FATHER!"
BUT SANSA REFUSES TO LOOK AND JOFFREY SCREAMS "LOOK AT HIM!" AND SHE SLOWLY LOOKS UP TO SEE... NED STARKS ROTTING HEAD, YEP, THATS ANOTHER ONE EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 20
and Sansa instantly shuts down some emotionally and just stares at it and asks how long she has to look at it, and Joffrey looks surprised like he doesn't know what to do when someone isn't scared of him, so he snarls "as long as it pleases me" and starts to get flustered that she's just standing there unresponsively so he tries to up rub it in by showing her her Septas severed head... EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 21 I liked her final scene where she just walks up to the guards calmly like she's always known when "they" come for her she wont be able to fight and can only try to talk to them and has been ready for years oh and here's a dank meme... that head on the left? THAT'S GEORGE W BUSHES SEVERED HEAD LMAO EDGY, I LIKE IT, BUT VERY IRONICALLY BECAUSE THREATENING TO KILL PRESIDENTS IS NOT COOL OK COUNT: 22 since they just got a box full of prosthetic severed heads re-used from others movies and one of them happened to be bush and no one noticed until some dipshit pointed it out on the bluray commentery and FOX news had kittens over it saying the hollywood liberals wanted to assassinate the ex-president lis, wonder if Kathy Griffin's severed prosthetic Trump head will resurface in some show in a few years time sulis
and then when he gets no reaction again Joffrey tells her once he wins the war he'll bring her Robb's head too and Sansa just says "or maybe he'll give me yours" and then looks at him cold eyed like she just took a crash course in being a hardcunt
and there's a great take from the actor for Joffrey where he literally like stumbles in place as he recoils back for a second and then threatens "my mother tells me a king should never strike his lady" so he just says "Ser Merin?" and HIS GUARD SLAPS HER FOR HIM LMAO
and she looks at him pretending to be upset and defeated... but she looks down off the walkway onto the ramparts they're standing off... and its a big way down, and she walks up to Joffrey as if she's about to shove him off holy fuck but The Hound stops her I guess since it's his job but also he knows she'll just end up dead too so stops her but under the guise of cleaning her bloody lip, and Joffrey asks if she'll obey now and she just acts submissive and he storms off and The Hound suggests that she just play it smart and give him what he wants and leaves her with his cloth as she'll "need that again" and Sansa gives one last look up to her fathers severed head as if refuelling her determination, this is a pretty dank scene where a very annoying boy crazy thot to with one opening of her eyes deciding to become a real nigga rather a punk as they say in american prisons
and back with Robb's forces one of his old adviser guys is arguing that now their guy on the throne doesn't have his head anymore they need to rally behind Renly, the gay brother, and back his claim to the throne, I guess word has gotten out that Ned claimed Joffrey didn't have a real claim to the throne, if only he'd just said "your dads your uncle mate!" as the sword was being swung and this would be easier, but I guess Sansa would be getting beheaded next so he kept it zip, but Robb says the next in line would actually be Stannis and the crowd starts arguing about which one of the two to back, with one of them crying "Renly ain't right!" lol homophobia, and the crazy warlord guy who reminds me of Billy Conolly in his accent stands up and spits at the name of those two kings and starts giving it laldy like a true Scottsman and starts ranting that neither of them should rule over his people from some flowery city in the south and jokes that even their gods are wrong since I guess the 7 are a southern religion they tried to force on the people up North and everyone seems to be agreeing with him that they should rule themselves and this guy dramatically takes his sword out and points it to Robb and declares him the only king he'll bend his knee to and Robb looks almost sad that now he has such responsibility as another lord stands up and fuck the iron throne and declares loyalty to him and Theon simply asks if he'll always be his brother and when Robb says always he swears his sword to him and they all start chanting THA KING A THA NORF some very Scottish history themes going on here and Robb looks at his mother sadly but bravely like he knows he has no choice
then we see Cat demanding from some guards that she be allowed to see Jaime and they take her through some makeshift wooden cells of Lannister POWs to find Jaime tied to a stake and does the "leave us" meme and Jaime starts taunting her that she must have come because she's a lonely widow now and he offers to slip her out of her gown to see if he's up to it and CAT JUST PICKS UP A ROCK AND SMASHES HIM IN THE FACE LMAO and Jaime, proving to be even more a man after my own heart, just growls "oh I do like a violent woman" yeah like your sister lmao this dude fucking rules and Cat threatens to send his head to his sister and Jaime just taunts her to go ahead and do it and Cat claims he's bluffing and scared the gods will send him to hell and Jaime's like "what gods are those? the trees your husband prayed to? where were the trees when his head was getting cut off? if your gods are real and if they are just... why is the world so full of injustice?" lmao *TIPS FEDORA* he's a frokin ebin atheist too I love it but Cat fires back "because of men like you" pretty shit gods then you dumb pagan and Jaime professes "there are no men like me... only me" and Cat decides fuck it why not get it over with and asks what happened to Bran in the first episode and Jaime admits it INSTANTLY "I pushed him out the window" and Cat asks "why" as if hoping to get some compassion from him now he's admitting it but he's like "I... hoped the fall would kill him?" as if it's a stupid question lmao and Cat asks again "why?" and instead of explaining the theory of gravity to her he accepts there's that one thing in his life he can't boast about so just tells her to "get some sleep... it'll be a long war" and Cat drops the rock as if she was considering beating him again but has no wish for pointless violence and Jaime looks relieved as she walks away, but it's the same look he just had, not that he's scared to be beaten, but that she didn't press him on the whole sister fucking thing as that's his one weakness
then we see the gay prettyboy guy sitting naked but he's not talking to Renly he's talking to... CERSEI! >tfw you'll never be Cersei's boytoy, I guess this guy'll try to seduce his way close to power no matter who it is and since he's more cute than sexy he goes for the harmless romantic confidant than seductive lothario angle, and he's nagging at her about what her letter says and if they captured Robb yet and what's "their" next move but she seems to be onto his angle and just tells him "STOP TALKING, GET BACK TO BED" lmao MALE THOT STATUS: PATROLLED, so he does and thats the end of the scene uh oookkkk
then at Tywin's camp he's reading a letter that they have his son, and Tyrion points out Robb isn't as green as they hoped, and one of the advisers says he heard his wolf killed a dozen men and as many horses, and it turns out both Renly and Stannis have taken up against them because of Jaime's capture and his armies scattering, and one of the advisers says "perhaps we should sue for peace", not sure what sue means in this context, just short for peruse? or he means arrange a court where they argue their cases or something? but then Tyrion purposefully knocks over his glass onto the ground shattering it and says "there's your peace, Joffrey saw to that when he saw fit to remove Ned's head", and they all start arguing amongst themselves about trading the Stark sisters for Jaime but the others say that'll make them look weak and the camera zooms in on Tywin's back as he listens to them squabble and he suddenly turns around and yells THEY HAVE MY SON! and then does the "get out, all of you" meme and Tyrion slinks away looking sad that his father cares so much for Jaime being captured but didn't give much of a fuck about him other than for the optics when his father holds him back and then stops him from pouring his own drink as if to treat him like a little child as he pours it for him, but he actually agrees with him that they should have kept Ned alive so they could bargain peace with Winterfell and only have to deal with Robert's brothers, and his dad, seemingly genuinely as if he doesn't love Tyrion but is mature enough to put his resentment of him aside if it'll help the war, and says "I thought you a stunted fool, perhaps I was wrong" and Tyrion quips/laments "half wrong" and points out they need to move lest they be surrounded by three armies, I guess Stannis and Renly aren't teaming up and have two separate forces, odd that we haven't even seen Stannis yet, and Tywin says of course like it's obvious and then says he'll send The Mountain with 500 riders to burn down Riverland for supporting the Starks while they retreat to Kingslanding and he actually appoints Tyrion as the new Kings Hand to bring "that boy king to heel and his mother too if needs be" since he knows what a tricky cunt his daughter is and only Tyrion can match her in wit "and if you get so much as a whiff of treason from Baelish, Varys, Pycelle" Tyrone finishes his sentence "heads, spikes, walls" and Tywin nods approvingly that he's already up to speed with the ways of the edgemaster and Tyrone is shocked to find him chosen and not his uncle and Tywin can tell Tyrion's not fully convinced so gives him the one bit of positive reinforcement in his life by saying "because you're my son" but the second he sees Tyrion getting a tiny bit of real self-respect he adds "one more thing, you will not take that WHORE to court" reminding him of the whole your wife's a whore and getting cucked by an army thing as his face start tripping him again
then with the Dothraki Jorah the extreme orbiter that he is has been watching over Dany as she sleeps with his sword out all night and she wakes and asks for her son but..... Jorah tells her... the boy did not live.... oh well I guess she ate all those horse hearts for nothing, and he tries to break the news that her son was stillborn but cant say it and the witch lady comes in and says "he was monstrous, had scales like a lizard, blind, with leather wings like the wings of a bat, when I touched him the skin fell from his bones, inside he was full of graveworms" and Dany looks at her like shes about to vomit, hmm sounds almost like a description of some fucked up dragon monster at the start there, and the witch says "I told you, only death can pay for life" as if this was part of the spell, however the only magical thing confirmed real in this world is the zombies so she might not have any magic at all and could be bullshiting that the baby was mutated, sacrificed or even dead, it was probably just naturally stillborn and she's playing it off like her bloodmagic did it to see more powerful since she's already got people wanting her dead anyway so might as well seem useful, then Dany has a tanty about being taken to see Aquaman but when she leaves her tent she finds.... almost all the warriors are gone, because they only follow the strong, not some dying gayboi, and Dany finds her comatose husband and the witch says some pretentious flowery shit that amounts to he's fucked mate best I can do and Dany does the "leave us" meme and goes to talk to the witch to bitch at her and the witch is just like hey you burned my temple, your son would have been a warlord, I already got raped by three men and I saw my village getting beheaded and then points to Aquaman saying that's what good a life is when you have nothing left, to be fair she does have a point and probably did just do the killing baby Hitler meme and Dany's a fucking moron for actually getting invested in the Dothrakis absolute savage culture and not just playing along but I guess that's stockholm syndrome for you
then at The Wall Jon is deserting to go kill Joffrey and Sam's warning him they'll kill him for it and is so insistent that he stands in the way of his horse refusing to move so Jon just runs the fatass over lmao
then with Tyrion he's breaking the news to Shae that his dad has a "no cags allowed" policy who takes offence but understands when he starts bitching about what a "cunt" his dads always been and a cheeky Tyrion takes advantage and starts promising she can come be the new Hand's lady to get another ride out of her
then we see Jon haven ridden down from the North when he notices some other Nights Watchmen are giving chase and SAM RIDES HIS HORSE STRAIGHT INTO A TREE BRANCH LMAO and the other men stop to see if he's ok and Jon feels bad about getting his friend her and goes back to see his two mates helping Sam up saying "good thing you've got plenty of padding" rofl I wonder if the hardcore fans of this show appreciate them putting a guy just like them into the show, a fat beta virgin neckbeard, and they warn him he better come back or they'll kill him and start guilting him into it by repeating their vows and Sam dramatically hands Jon his sword he left on the ground and he starts reconsidering noooo don't go back to boring central go be apart of the actual plot these two fucking storylines remind me of like free roaming video game maps like the Just Cause games or the Wildlands map where most of them are just woodlands but the designers feel obligated to put in a mountainy snowy area and a desert area that feels super forced in, that's these characters, GRRM wanted to have stories set in different enviroments and this is what he came up with
then we see Dany bathing Aquaman talking to him in Dothraki about "their first ride" aka her rape and she tries to get him to respond in any way but he's just laying there completely unresponsive, I'm guessing this is going to have some edge where she tries having sex with him to see if that's what gets him to respond or something, but then we see her laying next to him and repeating some love poem they used to refer to each other with and crying and she starts kissing him to no reaction... so she takes a pillow.... and mercy kills him by suffocation, with him barely twitching, hope she doesn't do anything to the witch since yeah he deserved to die lmao maybe when I finally bring myself to watch Aquaman I'll appreciate your acting more but it was all just a bunch of glaring looks helped mostly by his physicality and uh eyeliner and ranting in a pretend language you're not going to be able to grasp as much depth from and I was not too thrilled about his character or his storyline in general since like 1) was like a foreign film but for everyone so everyone on earth needs to be reading subtitles other than the one autist who learned this language someone probably wasted months of their lives inventing when on one in this setting should be speaking English at all anyway 2) him and the Dothraki feel like stock characters of people who never really existed, like they're obviously based on the mongol empire but they were not just braindead savages, they used real battle tactics and real political power to amass control of like the second biggest landmass any human has controlled, and there's just not much engaging about the Conan the barbarian sort of archetype because they're so one dimensional and feel entirely made-up like le swash buckling pirate or le black clad ninja or le gun slinging cowboy when these are stereotypes invented by cinema 3) the whole "Dany falls in love with her rapist" storyline is quite the big fucking yikes, I mean I guess it could be read as her getting stockholm syndrome from having to integrate into their culture to survive but from how fucking contrived her storyline is with not only plot armor like Jon has like most tv show protagonists to keep the story going everything coincidentally aligns to make her special in every situation I am guessing this is meant to be empowering and showing her becoming leadership material by gaining more influence and confidence amongst them but Aquaman's such an underwritten dolt character who acts like an NPC with two lines of code "if_angry=edgy_kill,if_wife=moon_dialog" whatever tragic romance or whatever the fuck GRRM is trying to write one-handed never really worked
then in Kingslanding we see the oldass man who's name or role I never picked up is sitting on his bed talking about all the kings he's served to a woman just out of frame stepping out of a bathrobe and as he talks about the Mad King we see this prostitute get up and clean her pussy by the sink, good stuff, thats the realism I want, no, need, to see and get dressed completely ignoring him and just sitting there bored as fuck lmao but once hes done she asks him what his point was and he's completely forgotten and before he can start up again she lets herself out before he can even get up as if he's too infirm and then... HE HOPS UP OUT OF BED AND STARTS DOING STRETCHING EXERCISES LIKE HE'S NOT INFIRM AT ALL LMAO he just pretends to be way more ravaged by age than he is so people let their guard down around him, smart guy, and then as he gets dressed quick as a fiddle he takes on his hunched posture again and starts limping out his door sulis
then we see CIA brooding by the Iron Throne and Varys slithers up and starts asking him about how he pictures himself up there and in power and he asks if everyone who sneered at him bows to him and CIA just quips "hard to bow without heads" nice, edgy, and he asks Varys what he'd do if he was up there, and Varys says hes one of the few men in this city who doesn't want to be king, and CIA tells him "you must be one of the few men in this city who isn't a man" and gets a big smirk like hes super proud of himself for coming up with that one so fast and Varys just sneers at him disapprovingly like he's such a wanker and says "oh you can do better than that" lmao
and then CIA keeps winding him up asking if they "took the pillar with the stones" and Varys just replies "do you spend a lot of time wondering whats between my legs?" and CIA says "I picture a gash, like a woman" and CIA talks about how he's a foreigner but everyone fears him and Varys asks "do you lay awake at night fearing my gash?" top fucking kek the banter between these two virgins is hilarious and CIA keeps commending him for persisting in staying close to power, and Varys says he admires him too for being from a minor house but having such a talent for befriending the powerful and they just stand there quietly looking into each others eyes like some fucked up friendship where these two guys who's whole lives are about manipulating other people can only truly be themselves with their equally underhanded arch nemesis, bet there's lots of gay slash fiction written about them and there's some kino where the stainedglass windows hovering behind them has the symbol of the seven gods as if both their machinations are causing such change in the world it's almost like the gods are acting through them or some shit
but then Joffrey walks in and they both suddenly snap back from their true conniving personalities to their respectable public personas to greet their new King with their own styles of bows
then we see Arya with her new JUST haircut being told by her new caretaker her name is Arry and her new backstory is she's an orphan he picked out a dungeon and she better be grateful he's doing this for her because half the city would hand her over to the queen and the other half would do the same except they'd RAPE her first, edgy,and he warns her she better piss alone in the woods for obvious reasons or he'll put her in a prisoner transport cage with some fucked up leper looking guys, edgy, and Arya turns around, loses the guy and immediately bumps into some fat kid and his asshole friends and discovers the joys of presenting as male where they immediately start shoving her and the fat kid claims to have kicked a boy to death to scare her into handing over her sword but ARYA DRAWS HER SWORD ON HIM AND SAYS "I ALREADY KILLED ONE FAT BOY, BET YOU NEVER KILLED ANYONE" while looking him dead in the eyes and he starts backing the fuck up real fast until he bumps into an older teenager who threatens to make him sing like hitting his anvil for picking on a little kid and the fatty waddles off in a panic, rekt, and the teen explains there's all sorts of unwanted people like rapers and pickpockets and highwaymen there and he's just there because his blacksmith got sick of him and the ally guy seems to be taking all these people North for some reason, I guess he works taking people to and from dungeons or something, and Arya walks off with this caravan of prison transport horses
and then at The Wall Jon is back being a little cuckboy serving the commander guy who reveals he knows he left The Wall and Jon bricks it but he says if they beheaded everyone who run away for the night there'd only be ghosts guarding The Wall, well worked out well in Return of the King, and at least he wasn't out whoring but for honerable reasons, and he starts giving exposition about more evidence of White Walkers coming back and tells him it doesn't matter who sits on the Iron Throne when they arrive, ok thanks for introducing this plot element in the first season so we know that literally nothing to happen in the next like 7 seasons fucking matters at all until the final confrontation with the most dangerous enemy, and he says tomorrow they'll send a big force North to find Benjin Stark to find out whats going on and we see everyone getting on their horse to go out through the tunnel and he asks Jon so are you a brother of the Nights Watch or a bastard who wants to play at war? and we see Jon riding out with them, idk pretty sure he'll be of no help against zombies you can only kill with fire
then with the remaining Dothraki Dany is having her fossilised dragon eggs placed around Aquaman on his funeral pyre and Jorah is like oy vey goyim you could make so much money from selling them and he starts pledging his loyalty to him like a cuckboy but then he begs her not to kill herself by jumping on his funeral pyre but Dany gives him a kiss on a cheek and turns to speak to the remaining Dothraki, ok actually it's not even them, it's their slaves they left behind, and despite looking like shit she gives a speech about how she is freeing them, except not really their actual captors just said fuck this and left I guess not caring about Aquaman's invasion plans anymore so no need to sell these people, and that they can live with her as equals, and half of them leave immediately lmao, and then to really send some mixed messages she orders Jorah to tie the witch to the funeral pyre, and he's like uhhh I know I'm on a really fucking edgy tv show that can be pretty tryhard at times but... and she's like "you swore to obey me", and he cucks in and marches the witchy woman who might not even be a witch at all and ties her to the pyre and Dany gives an edgy speech about how those who hurt her people will die screaming, pretty sure all these people love this witch lady and she was curing them and their families for years but ok, and the witch yells "you wont hear me scream!" lmao as if to ruin her speech and Dany says "I will!" yeah good comeback you crazy thot and says some edgy shit about how "but its not your screams I want, only your life" as if she's... doing a bit of her own bloodmagic, and then she lights two circles on fire around the pyre that slowly set the main pyre on fire and the witch lady sings some witchy song until yep she starts screaming and Dany smiles at Jorah and he looks at her like uhhhhhhhhhh maybe I have bad taste in women afterall and Dany just smugly walks into the pyre and all the slaves kneel in respect as if she is killing herself but as the witchy woman cant scream any longer and burns to death, which is gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 23 from me since this whole scene is fucking retarded, we see Dany... not being burned at all?
then the next morning Jorah walks through the awakening slaves and comes to the smoldering wreckage of the funeral pyre and finds Dany sitting in the smoke, with her clothes burned off and covered in suit but unharmed, cradling something in her arms and something slithers over her shoulder to reveal... A BABY DRAGON!!!!!
and Jorahs jaw drops and he's like what le FUCK and kneels in awe and we see she has TWO MORE BABY DRAGONS!!!
and stands up cradling one like a baby as the other is on her leg and the one on her shoulder rears up and gives an adorable little roar as all the slaves bow in awe, ok I'm guessing the meme here is she learned bloodmagic works by trading one life for another and her family actually does have the blood of dragons or whatever so she was able to bring the eggs back to life, I always assumed she literally gave birth to the eggs or something and I vaguely remember that in the books she like sits on them like a bird sitting on its eggs waiting for them to watch I'm sure so GRRM can describe her vagina warming up sitting on them but I guess this is like her spiritual childbirth of some sort anyhow, wow quite convenient the dumb shit her brother was saying about their family having dragons blood came true but only for her the family member in this exotic dangerous situation who happened to have some fossilised dragon eggs and happened to learn about blood magic and happened to be able to perform it and happened to have a funeral pyre to poetically perform it on and poetically have someone to sacrifice on it and poetically had just lost a pregnancy that was poetically described to be lizard-like very grounded and nuanced stuff there and Dany is definitely not a Mary Sue, even if all this turns out to be set-up by Varys or something it's still obviously all suspicously geared towards empowering Dany without having to develop her character at all, she could have been a really good character if they had her sloooowly rise up the ranks of just some arranged marriage rape victim to head of her own army over the course of several seasons but she goes from princess in the first episode to taking control of her dimwit husband in the second and then they waste time with her learning the Dothraki ways to have that whole storyline be jettisoned and then in the finale she hyper contrived and conveniently discovers she was born with superpowers, she's definitely my least favorite part of the show tbqh
but that was a lot better than I expected overall, really good production values throughout with the CGI being pretty seamless other than for 2 or 3 shots and all the cool buildings and landscapes, all the costumes and sets and shit look great, like the armor looks like actual metal and not cheap plastic crap and you can tell from each person is wearing their allegiance and class, and the acting is almost all great other than Emilia Clark who has these huge rubber expressions almost like some Jim Carey shit that seem like he's maybe more fitted for slapstick comedy or something lis, and the dialog can get a bit much with everyone talking in metaphors and having to say edgy shit every 2 seconds but I love how almost every conversation is someone trying to manipulate someone else especially with CIA and Varys who have by far the most interesting stories, the edgy shit isn't too bad yet since most of the violence and gore is usually used for the purpose of driving home that this is Realism Bitch™ where people really are trying to kill each other and any injury might be the death of you, and all the sex and whipping out titties is usually in the context of prostitution to the add to the sort of life is cheap atmosphere and I guess that's one big difference of a medieval world without christianity people can whore in the open without it being an underground thing I am pretty sure it was for most of the dark ages (although this culture still has a huge emphasis on marriage like Jon being branded a bastard and I think he's called Snow because that's just a generic placeholder name because he's not allowed to use his fathers which you think wouldn't be such a big thing culturally if they used to be some tree worshiping pegans) my main complaints are mainly the storylines with The Wall and Dany feel so disconnected physically, both have supernatural elements not in the main story and both have such tropey too-perfect Mary Sue protagonists who other characters admire for no reason it's almost like they're in a separate spin-off show or something from grim and grounded political machinations of the morally grey mainland Westeros characters and while I enjoy all the realism of like Ned just being doomed as soon as he went to Kingslanding trying to act Lawful Good and King Rob just dying from a hunting accident it does clash with the fact that his is a fantasy world where like one old guy and his ugly family control the one bottleneck in the country and there's like bloodmagic to bring people back to life but only practised by some weirdos in a desert and I get they're going for a sort of in ye olden times people were superstitious and believed in legends but if they were actually real people would behave fundamentally different e.g. if witches were actually real it wouldn't be a bunch of retards drowning them it'd be powerful people getting them to do magic for them I have a sinking feeling that despite the nice balls it takes to kill off the traditional hero character soon into the story this season might be the best where all the politics and mystery has a clear driving force and tension of avoiding war and it might descend into Heroes style people betraying and switching allegiances constantly just for the sake of twists now that we're left with just morally grey characters already in a war situation but guess we'll find out here we go to season 2
editors note: this thread is so big it just fails to load the preview page if I try to do it all in one post so I'll try breaking it up per season like how I used to have to break up my LOST threads when max goldberg would only allow 10 images per post
Thread: generic ruby literally all of Game of Thrones review thread - edgy, I like it special edition
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generic ruby literally all of Game of Thrones review thread - edgy, I like it special editioninternet hero
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08-11-2019
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internet hero
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08-11-2019Game of Thrones 2x01: "The North Remembers"
dead baby special edition
First aired: April 1, 2012
alright first scene of this episode is The Hound in his tactical combat fursuit wolf helmet and armor with a mace and shield recking some other guy that he sends falling off the roof killing him for the entertainment of the castle staff and King Joffrey who is still trying to get any sort of reaction out of Sansa who is just acting barely responsive much to the little shit, who looks like he's hit puberty in real life and aged about 5 years, up the wall, and up next is a guy with looks like a huge meat tenderizer representing CIA and a like comically fat clumsy drunk man staggering in to represent Joffrey who notices how rekt he is and offers him another drink... with the help of his guards... WHO FORCE A FUNNEL DOWN THE MANS MOUTH AND START POURING AN ENTIRE BARREL OF WINE DOWN HIS THROAT, LITERALLY DROWNING HIM IN ALCOHOL EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 24 just in case you forgot what show you were watching, welcome back, and there's some continuation of the visual theme from last episode where we see this happening in the background as Sansa looks on as if to show her getting more and more desensitised
but she whines "you cant!" which sets off Joffrey and she tries to tell him it's bad luck to kill someone on your nameday aka autistic alternate universe way of saying birthday and The Hound actually backs her up and since Joffrey respects him like 1% for being a cool soldier guy since he's basically ye olde virgin nerd having a country-wide beta uprising he calls them off... but then says he'll have him killed tomorrow lmao, and when they release the man he vomits massive amounts of wine, and Sansa manages to spare his life by saying he doesn't deserve a quick death he should have to live life as a fool, I guess a court jester, to which Joffrey agrees and the fatty thanks them but actually meaning it for Sansa, wonder if there'll be some storyline where Sansa starts winning over the people of Kingslanding and they side with her instead or something or we're in for several seasons of pointless edge, then our manlet friend Tyrion arrives, wearing Lannister armor, taunting his nephew for not showing up on the battlefield, greeting the two younger kids and gives Sansa his sorries for Ned, and Sansa just says she doesn't care about a traitor and is loyal to Joffrey, having learnt fast she needs to play the long game, and Tyrion just struts off to work much to Joffrey's shock, who would kill anyone else for talking to him as flippantly but just seems insecure around Tyrion because he knows his family needs someone way smarter than him
then in the royal counsel Varys, CIA, the old ass guy who's name I haven't picked up, some general guy and Cersei are receiving a white crow bringing the message it seems all in its appearance that summer is over and, yes my fellow redditors, winter is coming, and they discuss how the city is flooded with refugees because of the war, wow really makes ya think maybe don't start wars then little hint for the fat Americans watching this show, and Cersei just orders them thrown out, lmao based & redpilled, and then Tyrion struts in whistling much to Cersei's disappointment and he kisses her on the cheek (lips are for the other brother), starts boasting about his adventures while looking at CIA as if he knows he's been up to some bullshit and as soon as he takes out their fathers appointment of him as the new Hand and Cersei does our first GET OUT! meme of the season so they can talk bluntly and Tyrion starts chewing her out for letting their family get in so much drama, starting a war they're losing and only having one Stark left to trade from the three they had and she just endures all his criticisms knowing he's right and she needs his counsel
then we get an extremely kino shot of a guard holding a Stark banner overlooking a castle in the middle of nowhere with a sea of clouds behind it as if it's the only safehaven in a confusing and soon to be very cold world and inside Bran and his old teacher guy is hearing some landlord guy droning on and on about how there's no good masons left with everyone sent off to war and Bran, who's the serving lord of Winterfell lmao, basically tells him to stop bitching because his fucking dead got beheaded and the old teacher guy just gives him what he wants to get rid of him and tells the worryingly unpassionite Bran listening to people he doesn't want to is his job
then we get a weird washed out POV shot of someone running through the woods and they look up to see what looks like... a flare from a flaregun? what is this LOST or some shit? or a comet in space? I vaguely remember something about that being how Gods enter the world but I think that might be D&D lore I'm remembering, and this low down POV goes towards the pond underneath that holy tree... panting... and we look in the water to see... WE'RE A WOLF lmao, there needs to be a first person remake of A Dog's Life which was a great game, then we see it's a dream Bran is having, I guess coming to terms with his new leadership role amongst his wolf sigil'd clan and how that'll probably involve losing some of the facades of humanity, and the next day he has Hodor carry him out there and the wildling lady who's been let off her ankle chains and started washing her hair talks to him about the comet that is actually real and how people think it predicts the war going one way or another but she thinks it means dragons are back, and Bran crawls over to the pond and waves his reflection away in it as if he's trying to forget the young boy he used to be and says "they're all dead"
then we cut to the comet being seen in the sky over the mainland over Dany's group of two dozen odd slaves marching through the desert with her trying to feed a chink of meat to one of her little baby dragons but it's not eating it, I'm guessing there's some edge coming up where they need to eat LIVE meat, and she puts it back in a wooden cage and a horse drops dead since they're wandering around in a desert without water lmao and Dany laments that she did her edgy speech about making their enemies die screaming but how does she make starvation scream, time to go to war on an adjective like the US government does every decade, and Jorah tells her they have to keep going East since South is the Lazereen and West is the Dothraki who'll both kill her and take her dragons, I guess North would take them to an even worse fate: Russians, who'll sell the dragons for krokodil, and Dany who looks actually cuter than usual dying of dehydration in the desert speaks to the slaves in Dothraki, which goddamn it I need to turn on subtitles for, and sends their toughest men to ride in different directions to find when this desert ends, sounds like a good way to never see them again you dopey cow, and she looks around at her starving people, with no fuzzy shit around her hair so it seems maybe they really are out in a desert somewhere irl, and she looks up at the comet that'll probably never come back into play
and we transition down from it to, oh boy, behind The Wall with a very nice establishing shot of the tundra leading to the mountains and we find a caravan of the Nights Watchmen where Sam has been given a ride on their cart of chicken cages because he's so fucking fat he can't keep up with them lmao how the fuck did they let this dude in and they arrive at a cabin in the woods where some wildlings live and one of the lads warns them not to mess with the patriarchs daughters but then another says or his wives.... because he marries his daughters and they give him more daughters... and so on and so on, ooh another one INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 3 and everyone says "that's foul" welcome to Westeros I guess where a 70 year old obese American brings his sex fantasies to life and Sam and Jon ask what he does with his sons and no one gets what they're asking, uh oh, time for some edgy cannibalism me thinks
then inside his cabin the Nights Watchmen are asking him what happened to Jon's uncle and he plays dumb to the "Southerners" and Jon claims "we're not Southerners" and this patriarchy guy says WHO'S THIS LITTLE GIRL? YOU'RE PRETTIER THAN HALF MY DAUGHTERS! YOU GOT A NICE WET TWAT BETWEEN YOUR LEGS? oh so that's what he does with his sons, he fucks them too lmao, and the guy starts bargaining for Dornish wine in return for info and gives up that the wildlings have gone to serve someone called Mance Ryder, who used to be a Knight Rider or whatever they're called again but betrayed his vows to actually go north to be king of the wildlings, and this Trumpian patriarch stops one of his daughterwives and gets her to repeat a clearly pre-established routine about how they're happy to live there rather than be slaves, presumably having to serve the lords and kings down south, and then he tries to taunt the general guy about how he has all these young wives and he has no one to warm his bed, and the general just says they've chosen different paths, and the asshole is like YEAH A PATH WITH ONLY BOYS ON IT lmao this memer, and then he stands up and threatens to cut off any hand that touches his wives and cut out Jon's eyes if he stares at them any longer either, oh I wonder if there will be drama here Jon falls in love with one of the girls, and the commander guy can tell some fucking bullshits a cooking in Jon's brain so grabs him and yells at him to learn how to follow if he wants to be a leader one day
then we see the comet again and pan down to a sculpture of a dragon carved into a sea-side cliff and we see a dude running along the beach with a torch, as in a flaming stick not a modern day flashlight, up to a group on a beach beside a big castle at night all standing around a bonfire having some sort of ritual for the comet talking about how the dead will rise in the north so they need to do an offering to the old gods or something and it's being led by some character I think we come to know as the Red Lady from her dress sense and I guess she's honoring the old gods by... burning the... trees they were worshipped through? or something? and this old guy starts whining to some new old guy who's there with I think maybe the first time we see Stannis and tells him this is against their religion of the Seven but he tells him to shut up and he starts lecturing everyone they're dishonering their ancestors for worshipping the old gods but they all ignore him and then the Red Lady comes up and says she smells "fear... and piss and old bones" and basically dares him to use force to stop her but that's not in his nature so he just gives up and yeah we meet Stannis for the first time and the Red Lady bigs him up saying he's the Warrior of Light and will pull the Lightbringer sword from a fire and he goes and does that even though it burns his hand and waves this flaming sword around and everyone kneels and pledges allegiance to him, I guess this is the theme they are going for with Stannis, that he has his political strength from having this Red Lady figure on his side who whips up Old God religious fervor for him, which I'm guessing he probably doesn't care one way or another about, but just knows it's a good angle to keep support amongst converts, followers in the North and people in the South butthurt about oppression against them, which is honestly a theme that needs to be a vital part of every other character if this is to be le gritty and grounded medieval story since the entire history of medieval europe is intra and inter religious conflict but dumb Americans who's culture has always been a hodgepodge of faiths to the extent that they unironically say things like "judeo-christian values" with a straight face probably miss this important point, then after everyone follows Stannis off the old ass man tells Stannis right hand man, Davos, that the Red Lady will lead him into a war he cannot win, but he's too loyal to Stannis and wont listen, and I guess it's effigies of the seven gods they're burning? idk this is some autism
then later we see Stannis HQ has this cool table that's a map of Westeros and all his supporting cast members are there as he looks over some speech he's writing explaining his situation about how his brother had no true heir since "his" kids were all born of incest with their uncle lmao and Stannis, who actually has a height pitched voice than I always imagined from how he looks and how his fanboys hold him up as the only honorable character left, has his servant scratch out the part about his brother loving him since that's a lie, and insists calling Jaime the Kingslayer... but still Ser Kingslayer since that means he's a knight, and it turns out that the only person Ned told before they stopped having to pay Sean Bean too much money was Stannis, I guess one of his final acts was going against CIAs plan to use the gay brother as an easy puppet even when he still trusted him after all, who wont make the same mistake and orders the newsletter to be spammed all up and down Westeros so everyone knows Cersei shags her brother and King Joffrey is an incest baby lmao, and he refuses to call peace with his gay brother as long as he claims to be king, which seems like he doesn't have a genuine claim since he's younger but people are declaring for him so that's all that matters, and his right hand man suggests allying with the Starks then since the Lannisters are everyone's true enemy, but Stannis knows they'd refuse to let him control the North, and "Joffrey, Renly, Robb Stark, they're all thieves, they'll bend the knee or I'll destroy them" damn this guy is dank and the old ass man takes the opportunity to pretending to approve of him serving the new gods over the old, ok I guess they were burning the old gods trees and are switching to the new gods or something idk fuck this fictional religious shit and real religious shit (but I repeat myself) and this old man suspiciously touches Stannis who tells him "don't" and raises a cup of wine to honer "the one true god" (inshalla) and I thought maybe he was going to poison Stannis at first who was warning him not to or something but it's when the old man drinks from his glass and offers it to the Red Lady that he starts to shake... and bleed from the nose... and THE RED LADY DRINKS FROM THE SAME GLASS LIKE ITS FINE AND WATCHES THE OLD MAN AS HE DIES FROM POISON
and Stannis stands up like wtf m8 and the Red Lady repeats her meme line "the night is dark and full of terrors, old man, but the fire burns them all away" lol she never picked up his name and just called him old man like I was doing, ok I'm not sure what happened there, I guess Stannis could tell the Red Lady was going to kill the old guy and was getting cold feet at the last second or something, and the Red Lady was just proving to the more easily influenced men in the room that she really does have divine direction from the gods or something, when in reality she might have just built up an immunity to the poison she herself used, I think maybe a better way to do that scene would have been it was the old man trying to poison the Red Lady, but she calls him out that the drink is suspicious, and so to "prove" it's safe he drinks it first deciding that he's an old man so is willing to sacrifice his life to stop this woman he thinks is a dangerous influence to his king, and the Red Lady drinks it, and the old man starts to die happy that he took her down with him, but then he sees it as no effect, and dies confused and scared as to how she's immune, and then the Red Lady looks both supernatural but also innocent compared to her suicidal assassin, but as the scene stands it seems like they're fine with her poisoning some old man just for speaking against her and then just to be edgy drank her own poison which she could have inoculated herself against somehow so is less impressive, or maybe that is what happened and I just read the scene wrong, ok I watched it again and I missed, since I was typing this, the old man acting suspicions opening some device and bringing his cup under the table and it was Davos who saw him and warned him to stop, ok so my better idea is actually what happened, ok so I just typed that out for no reason, epic, also I confused Davos for Stannis since he's the more commanding screen presence (which I suppose is fitting since most leaders IRL have higher functioning people controlling them from behind the scenes while they're just the appropriate front face to show the public) and all white people look the same, going to leave that in there since fuck you and is actually a compliment to the show that it was subtle enough that I missed it by just not paying attention to a guy fiddling about with his drink for 1 second, still a bit daft that he'd poison his drink at the meeting itself and then hope she'd drink from it but better than most shows would do it where they'd literally say out loud "oh this old man tried to poison you m'lady", so I guess that means she might actually have supernatural powers if she can survive a poison like nothing or maybe she just built up immunity to EVERY poison like some batman shit, oh also I picked up that I think they're worshipping a whole new religion and from their point of view the Seven gods are now the old gods? because that old guy was whining about how they're dishonering the Seven that is their fathers religion but then talking about following a new god and there being ONE true god? so this woman is introducing a new monotheistic religion? I guess that's a risky gamble if no one else in Westeros worships him and are either Seven followers or Old God loyalists
anyway then at Robb's POW camp he is visiting Jaime who implies that he's gay for dragging him around everywhere he goes lmao but Robb explains whoever he leaves him with will get doxxed by his father and bribed or threatened and Jaime taunts him for not trusting the loyalty of his men and starts winding him up calling him "boy" but he shuts the fuck up real fucking fast when... prowling around the cage... comes Robb's direwolf, that stands beside Robb and pants at Jaime as if he's waiting for the word, and Jaime freezes up as Robb explains his letter from Stannis, and Jaime denies it claiming that's just a convenient lie for Stannis to tell, but Robb finally has it all worked out that Joffrey killed Ned so no one would find out that Jaime is his father, although I don't think he knew that and just did it on a whim, although maybe Cersei only let him have a choice since she secretly knew what he'd do, and that Jaime crippled Bran because he saw him shagging his sister, and he grips the wolf as if considering letting it kill him, and the wolf it seems is like a real wolf that's just been enlarged for the scene it doesn't seem CG, but Jaime keeps his courage and demands proof and they argue back and fourth before Robb just lets the direwolf approach him and start snarling at him and Jaime closes his eyes expecting the worst but when he opens them it's already gone, I'm guessing there's some implication here that the direwolves represent the Old Gods or something showing them favoring the Starks because they kept faith in them so made their sigil manifest as a loyal ally to them or some such kino
then back in a really good like mattpainting or whatever of Kingslanding being overlooked by Tyrion's cag against a not so good greenscreen she is talking about how the city stinks of shit lmao I guess it really would in those days where that many people together would just throw their shit out the window and she also claims to be able to SMELL CUM from the balcony but she likes it and it makes her want to fuck, epic, good dialog, and Tyrion warns her she cant be seen with him and not to trust anyone in this city and she calls him out as a liar but he claims to be a slave to the truth, which is interesting that out of all the other manipulators who thrive on keeping secrets and faking loyalty Tyrion manipulates people by reading them well enough to find out what they want and arranging a situation that's mutually beneficial for both of them without which I guess is using the truth rather than deception, and he kisses his cag as they lay in Ned's old bed
then outside we see Cersei with four of her fathers soldiers finding CIA and asking him to find Arya and he tells her to as Varys but poisons the well a bit saying he finds it hard to trust Eunuchs since you never know what they want (probably a bit of projection here from CIA that everyone else's motivation is about trying to get laid, which I mean is sort of accurate in a round about way as most people are concerned with their offspring primarily but not literally just being a frienzoned beta orbiter like him rofl) and Cersei can tell right away he's trying to manipulate her, probably into preferring him for spymaster shenanigans, and brings up that the mockingbird pin on his lapel is in fact not to show that he is a fan of the Hunger Games but a sigil he created for himself and says its "appropriate for a self-made man with so many songs to sing" to get under his skin bringing up that he's a nobody no one really respects and CIA just keeps trying to suck up to her saying he's not as lucky as her to be brought into the right family, probably trying to make her a bit uncomfortable since he know she actually fucking hates her family, and she keeps winding him up about his modest means telling him he reminds her of a story of a poor boy who lived with a rich family and fell for the daughter who was in love with another man, I suppose referring to his story and how he fell for Cat, and CIA gets a cheeky grin like oh it's love lives we're bringing up then is it and says "problems do arise when boys and girls grow up together, sometimes I've heard EVEN BROTHERS AND SISTERS DEVELOP CERTAIN AFFECTIONS, but when those affections become common knowledge... welllll that is an awkward situation"
with a huge smile on his face like he's always got the juicy gossip on everyone and Cersei stares at him like try me cunt and CIA brings up that public shame is actually worse for powerful families everyone already scrutinizes and those in power often forget a simple truth... that "knowledge is power" and he gives her a cheeky grin like no matter her lineage he can still get leverage over anyone but he made the mistake of making his intentions a bit too clear because Cersei immediately, as if she is always waiting to do this and just measuring others intentions towards her for the moment this becomes appropriate, orders her guards "SEIZE HIM" and as if seeing what real fucking power is, simply who can project physical force on others, this little weasly beta incel gets grabbed by the big fancy armored soldiers and Cersei orders "CUT HIS THROAT" oh shit I thought they were just going to arrst him and the guards take out a sword and CIA just struggles uselessly like a little bitch
but Cersei laughs and says "stop, I changed my mind, let him go" while smirking at CIA and then she orders her guards to "step back three paces... turn around... close your eyes" and they all do so immediately and CIA looks around confused and Cersei walks up to him and tells him "power is power, if you could take some time away from your coins and whores to locate the Stark girl, I'd very much appreciate it"
while staring him right in the eyes with her own eyes lighting up for the first time in the show as if she's just had a really good orgasm or something, and then walks off leaving CIA standing there bricking it having his coping mechanism of thinking his smarts can overcome physical strength exposed and he looks around awkward at a young boy cleaning something I guess lamenting that he probably works or Varys who'll now know he got absolutely dominated by Cersei and has a mission from her, that was a really great scene, great back and fourth of mind games between these two intelligent characters and Aidan Gillen plays a slimy weasel so well and Lena Headey did such a great job of showing how deeply satisfying, in a way that snaps her out of her usual doldrum of managing others and constant paranoia and makes her feel fired up and alive and truly present in the situation for once, she finds being able to control men, both loyal and disloyal to her, with her personal power, maybe not in the sadistic way that some of the powerful male characters like to abuse others where their suffering is the main goal, but being a woman in this world is shit and being born into her family is shit but she's going to make the best of it like no one else could and climb to the top by any means necessary and even though she hates having to put up with playing nice with the ghastly men in her life at least she can just order to have other men do whatever she wants to be killed which is like her being successful at her main drive in life manifesting clear as day right in front of her, Tyrion sees she loves her children but they still serve her actual main drive in life to empower herself as much as she can which is a great characterization and also makes me want to get fucking pegged by her
then with Robb we see him meeting someone called Ser Alton Lannister and he offers his cousins peace if they release his sisters and the bodies of his father and all their fallen men, and the man says those are honerable requests but Robb butts in and adds "Joffrey and the Queen Regent must renounce all claim to dominion of the North, from this time till the end of time we are a free and independent kingdom", oh shit boi we going full William Wallance now, and all his men say "King of the North!", and Robb threatens to personally behead Joffrey if he ever sets foot in the North, and the cousin, who I assumed they captured in battle, starts stuttering because he knows he has more to fear from his uncle than he does from Robb if he delivers those terms, but Robb threatens to litter the countryside with Lannister bodies, and when the cousin corrects him respectfully that Joffrey is a Bathoreon or whatever Robb is like oh... is he ;) and they hand him his demands in letter form and order him to ride south and his guards escort him out their command tent
then outside Theon comes to Robb calling him your grace, which he says he doesn't need to call him in private, but Theon, being the arrogant wanker he is, says its not so bad once you get used to it, since he probably really misses being called that having grown up a prince, but Robb's a big boy position he's not comfortable with yet, and Theon tells him the Lannisters will reject his conditions which Robb already knows, I guess he only made those demands to big up his supporters so they keep believing he has the courage, conviction and moral righteousness to be be supported, and Theon, a rare respectable feature, sort of, of his being that he actually knowing his way around a battle, tells him they'll only win by taking Kings Landing which requires ships, and he offers up his fathers fleet, who even though was defeated in part by the Starks, did so to free his people from Kings Landing, and Theon convinces the new King Robb that he can convince his father to help, which he's probably doing because he wants to be a cool war hero again and probably win back respect from and for his father since he's basically been a POW for the last few decades, and he tells Robb that he might not be a Stark but Ned raised him to be an honerable man and he wants to avenge him together
and then we smashcut to Cat telling Robb he doesn't want King Greyjoy as an ally, and she makes reference to rallying the rats in the sewers of Kings Landing being a better option so I guess they don't throw their shit on the street, or maybe the sewers are only connected to certain prominent peoples houses and the average citizen still does the old chucking the pan out the window thing, but he argues they've got no other play since his supporters wont keep supporting him if all they get for the infamous Kingslayer is two girls, and he snaps at his brother when she says that's what they're fighting for, but Robb now has the pressures of the whole of the North on him and not just his family, and he says their current play... is to send Cat to negotiate with Renly who already has 100K men, I guess the angle here is Robb isn't interested in the Iron Throne he just wants freedom for the North and to defeat the Lannisters, and I guess he knows Stannis wouldn't abide by a team-up on the conditions of freeing the North, but Renly is more of a push-over who'd be fine with that as long as he gets the Iron Throne, which is a real smart move, Robb is a bit of an underwritten character but he's very sympathetic as the one power player who doesn't actually like having power at all but is managing not to be overwhelmed by it and play everything smart and just, which if I know my edgy GoT means he's going to get gangraped by gorillas or something soon
then back in the Iron Throneroom there are workmen at work which Joffrey tells his mother is him restoring the room to what it was like under the Targaryens because they were conquerors, aka the schizophrenic king who immolated people for no reason, but Cersei's main concern is they don't have Arya to trade for her lover/brother, and Joffrey doesn't care since the Starks are weak for "putting too much value on their women" lmao LITERALLY The Incel King
and Cersei tries to convince Joffrey to send forces looking for Arya by telling him to ask his grandfather realizing that he's already got a case of the ol toxic masculinity and doesn't respect her opinions on military matters just for being a woman, but he disrespects Tywin too saying its his fault Uncle Jaime is captured which is a big redflag for Cersei since she knows Tywin will do whatever horrible thing necessary to get Joffrey under his control if he catches a wiff if disloyalty to him, but before she can gear up the ol manipulation Joffrey says.... he heard an awful lie about Uncle Jaime.... and you.... and he looks awkward as if he obviously doesn't want to think of his mother.... or uncle... in that way but maybe anyone in a sexual context and Cersei just smiles comfortingly and says it's ye olde Fake News™ to weaken his claim to the throne as if she has already played out this conversation years ago, and Joffrey stares at her in confusion like he knows his mother tries to control him but also how can anyone deny him his throne as if he's too pigheaded to understand his enemies would lie about him and she just gives in in that way only mothers do with their sons knowing it's best not to argue and keep influencing them as an caring ally than a commander they wont listen to (which is why a boy needs a father fuck single mothers lmao) and comforts him that everyone know hes the rightful king, but Joffrey has heard somewhere that... Rob had other children besides him and his two younger siblings, and Cersei looks shook that he might be onto the fact that there's some whores baby out there who's the real king never mind his two uncles in-law that are trying to overthrow him and Joffrey disrespectfully asks "were there other women he was fucking when he grew tired of you?" oooh I feel a slap coming oooon and yyyyup Joffrey asks "how many bastards does he have running-" but CERSEI SLAPS JOFFREY ACROSS THE FACE
l m a o and there's a great camera shot where it cuts back to the wide shot of the soldiers who instinctively look over at the sounds of violence but then quickly realize it's an interpersonal thing and they best keep their fucking eyes to themselves and snap back to standing guard and Joffrey hears the construction work suddenly stopped and as soon as he looks at the workmen the whole room just gets back to work knowing its their only option and Joffrey sits there stewing in repressed mommy issues incel rage as Cersei bottles it realizing she did that on instinct and didn't realize that doesn't exactly fly as of a few weeks ago anymore and Joffrey says "what you just did... is punishable by death" and Cersei looks like she realizes her best play is to just act scared and sorry and Joffrey tells her "you'll never do it again... never" and as he storms up to sit on the Iron Throne and dismisses her, based on how automatic Cersei slapping him was she used to do this regularly to him as a smaller child and this is the moment all shitty parents fear when their kid becomes a bit too big for that kind of shit and you realize could kick your teeth in if they wanted, or in this case order someone else to do it, huh its... almost as if you hit people... they wont respect or like you... and will make them angry... really... really makes ya think *triggers all the braindead apes who still think slapping your kids is a good idea in [the current year]* but also I want Cersei to be my mommy and slap me for being a bad boy and talking about incest too much
then we smash cut to AAAAHH AAAH AAAH AAAH AAAH AAAH AAAH FUCK ME WITH THAT BIG BLACK COCK sorry that was my blacked.com window playing we see a cag riding the dick of a maybe lucky customer getting a free go in one of CIAs brothels as I think Ros since all white people look the same is giving her some direction on not fake moaning like in shitty modern day porn (that convinces numpty normies thats what actual good sex is like irl and if the woman isn't screaming like she's broken a leg it's bad)
and she's meant to ease into it so it seems natural but she starts overacting again and Ros tells them BOTH to go clean up, so I guess the dude is on some gay for pay shit normally, or maybe in this instance straight for your mates, and Ros shows a new girl around this fancy brothel she's enchanted with and points out some girl going off with a dude in monk robes who's actually from down the road who pretends she doesn't speak not-English and wears some psudo-Egyptian jewlery to pretend to be exotic and calls her a "dumb slut" lmao I guess showing she doesn't respect any of these other women but then the new commander of the city guard comes in who she's seen before if you catch the implication but he's not there for pleasure as his men drag in some dude who looks like he's been roughed up and his other men start kicking down doors and Ros tries to tell him this establishment is CIAs who is the kings Master of Coin, ah so that's why he thought the guards were loyal to him since he's like finance minister or something, but the guards are really loyal to the Lannisters who control the actual resources CIA just distributes really makes ya think and his men drag in a cag with her screaming baby and the man looks guilty but nods to the commander and uh oh a guard tears the baby from her arms and looks down at this crying baby as the mother begs for mercy and hesitates when the commander tells him to kill the bastard so he takes him from him AND KILLS THE BABY
but it's off-screen so I'll let you off the edgy meter for now and the commander just casually sheathes his blade and struts out leaving the woman screaming in horror on the floor of the brothel and then we see some night of the long knives shit as every house in an area being searched by the city guard and they stab a teenage boy and drown a younger lad in the sea
and then a crowd of angry men have gathered and have to be held back as a guard carries out the dead baby and the guard who pussied out looks on horrified yeah there we go that's gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 25 from me my man
and then we see that blacksmith we met last season having his face held near burning coals as he gives up his assistants doxx saying he's travelling North to join the Nights Watch and we cut to seeing this guy jumping on the back of a cart with his bullshead helmet he made and ah yes Arya is there and this is the young man she made friends with sorry I didn't recognize him due to all whites looking the same and my autism alright didn't really feel like a premiere for a whole new chapter of the story or anything it was just more of pre-established plot only thing that felt new was finally meeting Stannis and I guess the comet is some new imagery but it was ok I loved every scene with Cersei and the pay-off with the men going around killing kids, edgy, I like it, but unironically
Game of Thrones 2x02: "The Night Lands"
pretty sneaky sis special edition
First aired: April 8, 2012
ok so after the opening credits which I've never actually sat through once lmao reverse trap Arya is taking a piss by the river in secret and then goes back to the convoy when some creeper prisoner asks for a drink and to be a "friend" to this "lovely boy" and his other cellmate just growls for beer before he skins her lmao and he's heard "his" name is Arya (inb4 there's a legion of trans GoT fans who think Arya is actually a transman like they do with every other female character in fiction who's obviously not trans and only dressing like a boy as a disguise that's necessary in their situation) which I guess isn't obviously a girls name in this world and he introduces his cellmate who immediately starts barking for beer again like fucking Father Jack in Father Ted and Arya tells him he should have asked nicer and starts whacking his hand away from the bar with a stick and he threatens to "shove that up your bunghole and fuck you bloody" very nice and edgy and the creeper guy says she's got more courage than sense and the blacksmith boy warns her not to go near them but then they see the "gold cloaks" from Kings Landing are there and the blacksmiths boy ducks down as if he thinks they're there for him but Arya hides too saying they're there for her and whoever this Ned's ally guy is gives the city guard some cheek and he just hands over a warrant for the arrest of one of the people there but the guy just PULLS A KNIFE AND PUTS IT TO THE GUARDS CROTCH and threatens that he could "shave a spiders arse" with his knife if he wanted to and he does the smart thing I thought he should have done rather than what I assumed he'd do with threatening to castrate him but he threatens to nick the artery in his inner thigh that there's no one around to un-nick and actually takes his sword off of him and gives him the choice to die there or go back home and say they couldn't find their quarry and this stonefaced guard can tell he's serious but doesn't show any fear and decides to just ask if anyone's seen Genry, and Arya realizes that's her friend, and says he'll be back with more men, a reward if anyone wants to turn him in... and this dudes head and then rides off, seems the guy has some big balls afterall, but the dude doesn't seem to care at all since he seems to think the Nights Watch is outside of King Landings reach, but he looks over at Genry realizing he's got two problems now
then back at Kings Landing we see Tyrion walking in on his cag gf talking to... uh oh... Varys, who in a world of people who'll do anything for more personal power is probably the most dangerous one there since he seems like he's genuinely dedicated to a cause greater than himself, the good of the realm, even if that means engineering a massive fucking invasion for it, and Tyrion immediately gets worried since he knows how dangerous Varys is and doesn't want him whispering his machinations to his cag gf who's already a big vulnerability to him, but she's lied to him, probably unsuccessfully from the way Varys teases him about it, that they met in one of his fathers kitchens, and Tyrion taunts Varys back that he should "try her fish pie" but his whore gf can tell Varys "doesn't like fish pie", and he asks how she can tell, and she says she can always tell, interesting that Varys is usually the kind of smugly effeminate smooth talking flamboyant character who'd usually be coded as queer in this sort of story but it's just that he's been castrated as a boy lmao and Varys drops the lure that he knows, somehow, that Tywin didn't want her to come, and """assures""" him that his discretion for friends is legendary, hinting that Tyrion, who I'm sure Varys has clocked as one of the other highest IQ people in the city, best keep him as a friend as he's already got leverage over him in their first private meeting, but Tyrion has taken a level-up in being a badman from his recently journey North, having been beaten in a cell, faced execution, been to war and killed a motherfucker, simply waits for his girlfriend to be distracted, stops Varys from leaving and tells him "I don't like threats" and Varys plays dumb but Tyrion says "I'm not Ned Stark, I know how this game is played" and then threatens to have him thrown into the sea lmao but Varys is a real nigga too who then stops Tyrion from opening the door for him so the tension cant be broken and tells him he might be disappointed in the results since "the storms come and go, the big fish eat the little fish, but I keep on paddling" since he's a survivor, probably an interesting side-effect of being castrated, he'll never aim for and reach a stage in his life where his primary concern is his children like most people do, so he's only ever learned how to survive hardship, and has already survived some fucked up shit, and then just politely tells Tyrion they shouldn't keep their Queen waiting as they have a counsel meeting, ooh I love it, we're getting some interesting match-ups with the master manipulator characters recently, we've yet to see Varys talk to Cersei or Tyrion talk to CIA however, but I like that there's like four of them, when usually a show just has one or two
so then we see Cersei reading out Robb's demands letter she got from her cousin... which she then tears up lmao, which Tyrion even lampshades teasing her that she's perfected the art of tearing up papers, and Tyrion says they should at least give Ned's bones back but Cersei ignores him and asks her cousin if he'll deliver their response, and he swallows knowing it might kill him but that might be better than what she'd do to him if he refuses, and before he leaves she asks him, with genuine tenderness, to tell Jaime if he sees him that he's not been forgotten, since she seems to at least hate him the least of all her birth family, so I guess the reply to Robb's conditions is literally "*tears up letter dismissively*" rofl, and Tyrion teases her about her diplomacy skills, the old guy hands over a note from the Black Rock, wait sorry wrong tv show, Castle Black, and CIA and Varys bicker about the wildlings finding a king and Cersei just chortles at the ridiculousness of her situation and asks "how many kings is that now? five? I've lost count", and it's a note from the commander guy asking for more men on The Wall again to deal with the White Walkers, but everyone but Tyrion dismisses it as superstitious Northern retardation and leaves
then back at boring central the Nights Watchmen are talking about how you fart when you die and one guy is saying when his mother passed she farted so hard she made the bed shake, brilliant, to be fair this really is how dumb men talk amongst themselves lmao, and they start to get tempted by all the daughterwives walking about and one of them tells a story about fucking his childhood friend much to the amazement of literal virgin neckbeard Sam who is sent away to get more potatoes, nice plot hole they didnt have potatoes in medieval europe, but on his way he hears a woman screaming as ghost, Jon's white direwolf, scaring one of the daughterwives because she's holding some meat and he goes to shoo him away and then gets flustered when she tells him he shouldn't touch her, aaaaah it's going to be Sam who gets in trouble trying to lose his v-card lmao, cant wait for this to turn into some 40 Year Old Virgin shenanigans of him trying to fuck these girls, then some wildlings, then a White Walker woman, then next thing we know Sam comes to Jon with this girl called Gilly who begs him to take her with them because she claims to be pregnant and if it's a boy... but she's too scared to explain what and runs off (I'm sure it's something edgy like he eats them) and Jon chews Sam out for being such a thirsty virgin trying to steal another mans woman but he defends m'lady's honor saying "she's a person not a goat!" and in classic TV fashion refuses to do something to close the scene so the tension is open for the next scene where he gives in or catches the other character doing it anyway
then just to blind me by cutting from a dark blue scene to a bright orange scene we find Dany is doing great at her first act as leader by bringing these starving slaves deep into the desert and Jorah is taking tiny sips from whats left of his water and hopefully rethinking his decision of being such an orbiter, and I notice an interesting thing that maybe is the actors real scar or something or make-up but it looks like someone tried to slit his throat at some point, and he notices... yep... one of the men she sent away's horse comes back, not sure a horse would know to do that without being specifically trained where to go... but it's not just that the guy died... his severed head is in a bag... EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 26
and Jorah says it was probably one of the other Dothraki kings who don't like the idea of a woman leading a tribe and Dany says some edgy shit about how she'll get them, not really catching on that getting revenge as a leader is not exactly groundbreaking liberation talk in this setting and it'd make more sense for her character arc to NOT send her men into violent situations over pointless feuds but whatever, and the mans wife falls to her knees and cries that the butchered him like an animal and didn't give him a funeral pyre so cant be with the ancestors or whatever but Dany comforts her that they still can, somehow knowing the ins and outs of Dothraki culture after only spending like 9 months there than a woman who grew up in it all her life, good storyline that's definitely not dumb and retarded with Dany threatening revenge on kings with armies while she has like 20 starving slaves left
then back in Westeros we see Theon on a ship returning home to the iron isles or whatever and he sees his family's castle that's been built on three different tops of a cliff range over an ocean, don't think that would pass any health & safety checks
and he smiles that he's home but then his face drops when he remembers how awkward this shit is going to be, and then he goes into the boat where he's of course brought a prostitute (with some wonky triangle tits like iwascruel, must be cheap) and boasts about how hard places breed hard men who rule the world and she jokes that he'll rule the world soon then in reference to his le big boner but Theon the dickhead tells her to try smiling with her mouth clothed because the woman has some sliiiightly wonky teeth, fuck off Theon my teeth are way worse than hers and I know this is an American show so its illegal to show people without 100% white and straight to the nanometer teeth but in an actual medieval setting people would have rotting brown teeth falling out and shit even if they were rich cunts since dumb humans hadn't invented cleaning your teeth yet, and Theon undresses as this woman prattles on about how her father doesn't trust iron islanders and says they're all theivers and rapers and no matter how many women they have they'll never be sat- but Theon just jumps on her and rams his dick in, which I don't think anyone has ever done in real life once and need to use their hand but in magic TV land that's exclusively how people do it, and tells her to stop talking about her father lmao but says he was right, their wives are for breeding, but they also take "salt wives" they capture in war, and this relatively homely for the usual over the top attractive prostitutes on the show plays along with him to be his salt wife... to be taken ashore, which is her real angle as everyone has an ulterior motive in this show and she wants to live in a rich castle, but Theon says her place is on the ship, and she jokes that her father will call her a whore, and Theon just says well I haven't paid you and flips her over to do it doggy style and the woman goes cross-eyed, or was already cross-eyed lmao, as she realizes she slept with this guy for maybe not even money
and then we cut to, oh lordy, another sex scene where the new redhead cag Ros was training is riding a dude reverse cowgirl, and it's uh pretty realistic looking definitely looks like she's ontop of something between the guys legs lmao not sure how they pulled that off maybe just CGI'd a dick in the shadows
and then we see the guy in the robes I think from before is spying on the couple through a peep hole as he is getting his dick sucked by the girl who pretends to be Egyptian in the room next door...
but then spying on THEM is CIA peeping on them through another peep hole lmao, this seems like a good template for a meme video where it keeps cutting to reveal who's spying on a spy over and over again for minutes on end
but I guess is to build up the theme that even in this world of no electricity or communications technology there was still very little privacy guaranteed, and then a fat man comes in complaining to CIA that his girl started crying when he barely touched her and he calls over the fake Egyptian girl, who reminds me of Alice from the Zero Escape games who inexplicably dresses like an ancient Egyptian pharoh despite not liking people comparing her appearance to one, but before she comes around the corner he spots that SHE STILL HAS THE DUDES CUM ON HER LIP, so he stops her and wipes it off and then presents her to the dissatisfied customer who immediately starts french kissing her llllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssssssssss
and then he goes to see the crying cag, now if only I didn't have autism but... is this the woman who just saw her baby murdered in front of her? oh, no, she's upset because that was her friend, and maybe she witnessed it, and CIA says that was "poorly handled" and it seems like he tries his autistic incel best to comfort her by comparing her to another girl he pimped who'd cry often and he never new why, and in a rare use of score that starts grumbling he tells her that that meant she couldn't make money... and he hates bad investments, and she stops crying real fast remembering that this dude ain't her fucking friend and really does think of her as his property that's only there to bring good returns, and CIA keeps the edge going by saying a very wealthy patron paid him to let him..... transform..... the girl, to use her in ways that would never occur to most men, and he didn't succeed in making her happy, but his losses were defiantly mitigated... but then he stands up and acts friendly again telling her to take a night off to mourn the child, but he'll see her tomorrow... and she'll be happy, and she forces a smile as he leaves and then sighs at how shit her life is, pretty good scene to establish that CIA is a vindictive cunt to his girls too and not just to Starks since he's literally ye old friendzoned "nice guy", it's always hard to tell what shows like this are going for with having like 3 sex scenes in the space of like 10 seconds since I'm sure this is the most edgy thing possible to Americans, but LITERALLY only because it's being aired on their television set and they all jerk off to pornhub on their phone every night, but it's obviously not actually shocking to anyone who isn't a burgerbrain, but it is useful narratively to set up what a piece of shit CIA is that his is how he treats his girls and the juxtaposition of the more farcical comedic elements of the brothel of the voyeur being spied on himself and the girl getting cum wiped from her lips is a good contrast to how dark CIA abusing this poor woman is so I'll let them away with it... for now...
then we see Tyrion's new squire spilling his drink as he talks to some guy, who I guess is the new commander of the city guard, at a dinner table at his home, and he's inquiring about the "nasty business" in CIAs brothel, and the commander just says it had to be done, he was just following orders (yeah? well so was HITLER - credit to that joke goes to the movie The Nice Guys) and he starts getting uncomfortable, not because he just killed a fucking baby, but because he realizes the danger to himself as Tyrion starts dragging him into his family drama by pointing out it's obviously Cersei who ordered it and asking about the whole incest rumors, which he denies and insists he's loyal to Joffrey, and Tyrion keeps the pressure on him by asking if it was his order that killed Ned's men, and he gets defensive saying he deserved it for trying to buy his loyalty and pushing his buttons like its as easy as riding a bike (which I never learned to do) Tyrion winds him up by calling him already bought, and he snaps at him saying he wont have his honor questioned by an IMP, lmao, I wonder how Peter Dinklage feels playing a guy who gets called an imp constantly, probably better than people in real life calling him a dwarf or, somehow better, a Little Person™, and Tyrion basically just starts flaming the guy saying he's not questioning his honor.... just saying it doesn't exist, and when the guy stands up and starts shouting Tyrion just points out his bodyguard is standing right behind him and tells him he wont get the chance to betray him like he did the last Kings Hand, and this dude, who I guess is the leader of... the palace guard and not the city guard? I cant keep up, and Tyrion orders his own guards to take him to a boat to be stationed at The Wall, oh no, not the most boring storyline, too cruel, just cut out his eyes or something, and the guy is like wtf they're my men, but not anymore because Bronn is the new City Watch commander, who just smiles at him and then orders "boys" who drag him off screaming about how he has friends at court and the king himself made him a lord, but Tyrion knows Cersei isn't loyal to anyone and Joffrey doesn't give a fuck, and then after the amusement of getting just a bit of revenge for Ned wears off he asks Bronn what if he ordered him to murder a baby would he do it without question, and Bronn just goes "without question? no.... I'd ask how much!" lmao what a mercenary bastard, although in this world it seems like the people who say up front they're brutal killers are the ones hiding a softer side, like The Hound, and it's the people who pretend to be honerable that'll stab you in the back, like that dude that just got sent away, he defends his actions as necessary royal orders, but Tyrion seems to believe him and stops for pause as he considers the character of his new friend
then back on the road the fat bully kid and his skinny friend are discussing if they should turn off Gentry or stay and fight if the city guard come back, and Arya taunts them that they'd shit their pants in a real battle, and the fat kid boast that he saw a battle - and Arya calls liar - so he finishes, it was a man killing another man outside a tavern lmao, and the way this obese disingenuous british dope talks, looks and acts, you know who it reminds me of? he's like a younger version of James Corden lmao, who's the same sort of gratingly gormless oversized baby that could only find success by going to America to play the le wacky British guy role that John Oliver already does better (despite also being a cringemaster)
anyway the fat kid asks Arya what a dyers apprentice knows about battle, and she tells him, who I guess his name is Hot Pie lmao, to tell Gentry what he knows about battle, and he looks over and this big strapping lad who punked him out last time, and he awkwardly tells him that it's a battle if you're wearing armor, which a knight told him, who he knew was a knight because he was wearing armor, which is the kind of circular reasoning self-invented old-wives-tale that dipshits like this are still saying on the internet in [the current year] lmao, and Gentry tells him anyone can sell armor, which he knows as a blacksmiths apprentices, and Hot Pie realizes he's been had yet again and just leaves, and then Arya asks him what he's wanted for, and he tries to brush her off but she just keeps pestering him over and over again calling him a liar until he gives in and says two Kings Hands came to him and died shortly after and Arya realizes maybe this is what got her father killed and asks about who his parents are but he doesn't know anything himself yet and asks her if they're after her because... she's a girl! and she's like I-I'm not! and he's like "take your cock out and take a piss then" and she gives in and asks him not to tell anyone since he seems like the one honerable person in the world so reveals her identity to him and defends her fathers name and he realizes that he's just been talking about cocks and pissing in front of a highborn lady and genuinely apologizes as if he wouldn't want to upset someone not used to masculine vulgarity, but Arya loves it (masculine vulgarity, not cocks, you fucking pedo), and he teases her about not wanting to be called m'lady and Arya gets so triggered she shoves him over and runs away, huh maybe she is trans afterall
then we see Theon arriving ashore and he tries to tell the fishermen that he's the prince but no one believes him and he has to pay off a local to get him a horse, and then a woman, with a badass swagger and practical clothes that seem like she's from a different universe, comes up and offers to take him, and Theon, with his love for confident women, gives her the eye-up, but shes not easily impressed and teases him about being at sea for too long, and they banter back and fourth until he realizes she knows who he is, and he gets his own swagger back and cockily pays the local to bring his things up to the castle and then rides up there on the bitch-seat of his new love interests horse, inventing negging by telling her hes a much better rider than her and putting his hand in her shirt and coping a feel, and she just confidently tells him his blood will be in the sea if she doesn't watch where she's going as if she's used to handling aggressive men, and Theon puts his hand down her pants and starts grabbing her by the pussy which she just rolls with knowing he's a prince and looking up at his big ass castle
then we see Theon coming into his fathers living room who's sitting by the fire and he calls out, still hidden by his chair, that 9 years ago they took a scared but and asks what they gave back, and Theon, still looking scared lmao, declares "a man" but his father is like "we'll see, he had you longer than I did", which I guess makes Theon only 17 although maybe his father was absent a lot, and we see him turn around in his chair as he judgingly asks Theon how he feels about Ned's death, and Theon does a very bad job of hiding that he's affected by his surrogate fathers execution and claims "whats done is done" knowing thats the tough guy response his father wants, but his father bolts up out of the chair as he approaches and starts asking if Ned made him his daughter with those robes he's wearing and asks if he paid the iron price (fucking killing someone for it with an iron weapon, I guess a saying in the iron isles) or bought his necklace with his fine clothes with gold, and Theon, already completely shook by his father simply mocking his posh clothes, swallows and admits "gold" and his father just tears the necklace off, dropping his cloak, and says "I wont have my son dressed as a whore" and laments the Starks training him as their raven and talks down to him right back into his face when he calls Robb his brother, but Theon nuts up and tells him he never forgot his real brothers OR when his father was a king, and it's his father who gets shook now, and I guess respecting that Theon isn't a totally spineless gimp takes Robb's letter from him that promises that Robb will make him king of the Iron Islands again, I guess they're completely under Kings Landing control at the moment, and boasts that he'll lead their forces himself much to his fathers amusement, but then his new love interest comes strutting into the room and Theon is shocked to find she was let in past the guards and she just says "anything with a cock is easy to fool" and she walks up beside his father who holds her tight... and I'm thinking... it's actually his new step-mother? but no, I forgot what show I was watching, Theon realizes "Yara?!" and Yara goes "so good to see you.... BROTHER" LMAO THEON JUST FINGERED HIS SISTERS PUSSY!!!!!!! that's gonna have to be a big ol (one-handed) INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 4 from me lmao what a wacky prank for a sister to play on her brother h-heh w-would be pretty funny to be on the receiving end of that h-h-h-heh also I know Theon would fuck a direwolf if he saw it bending over but maybe he got hit by some of the ol Genetic Sexual Attraction, where if you meet a relative you don't recognize you can fall in love with them because you seem so similar or hell maybe he always wanted to fuck his sister and that's why he likes assertive women who can banter with him because that's what his sister was like growing up as a kid
and then Theon sees the smug look on his fathers face, presumably not knowing what she just tricked her own brother into doing, I guess just to demonstrate to him and maybe even her father what an easily manipulated unfit to lead oaf he is, and realizes "she cant lead the attack!" and he's like "why not?" and Theon snaps "YOU'RE A WOMAN!!!!!" lmao pretty feminist for a culture that encourages war time rape, and she tells him "you're the one in skirts" pointing to his fancy cloak, and his father tells him she's been captain of their fleet since his new father killed his old brothers and they both put their hands over their hearts and say "what is dead may never die" (reference to the White Walkers?) and Theon scrambles to remember to do their old custom as his father just walks off to burn the letter while bragging about what a good captain Yara is and how he'll pay the iron price for a crown as she looks smuggly at her brother and Theon just yells at him that he wont stand a chance against the Lannisters on his own, and he just says who said anything about the Lannisters, implying maybe he'll betray the Starks to them so he can have his revenge at who mostly BTFO him last time, so I guess it's the Starks who maintain most control over his islands, ironic what happens to Theon later when he's so concerned with his father considering him another royal family's trained pet...
then on a beach in some foreign land we see Davos is talking to... oh my god... its a n-... its a ni- oh sorry, pardon me, um, an actor of African descent, and he's trying to win over this guys support, but he says Stannis has the fewest men and the worst chance of victory, but Davos argues Stannis has proven himself in two wars and is the most honerable, and this guy is a pirate who taunts Davos for being a smuggler, which is I guess how they know each other, and Davos targets the guys vanity and greed by offering him the chances for a harder quarry than his usual, sacking the richest city in Westeros, and people will sing songs about him forever, but the pirate adds condition that... "I WANT THE QUEEN" and Davos is like "the Queen?" and this.... n-... ni-.... nincompoop says "Cersei, I want her" and he agrees to lend him all 30 of his ships and if they make it "I will fuck this blonde queen and I will fuck her well" oh no no no no onNONONONONONONONOICANTHOLDITBACKANYMORE
KEEP YOUR FILTHY FUCKING RAPING MONKEY HANDS AWAY FROM MY WAIFU YOU FUCKING SUBHUMAN
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oh sorry that just slipped out of me I guess I just wasn't expecting this to turn into a more racially stereotypical scene than a blacked.com video, and Davos assistant tells him "this isn't about you, we're not invading Kings Landing so you can rape the queen", and this lovely nubian gentleman tells him "I'm not going to rape her, I'm going to fuck her" and the white guy goes "as if she'd just let you?" and the pirate goes "you don't know how persuasive I am... I never tried to fuck you!" and lunges at the mans genitals and suddenly its turned into Poor Little White Guy In The Hood 7: Mainland BBC For The Tight Westeros Boy Hole
as this guy backs the fuck up real fast and Davos just looks at him like watcha gonna do about it bitch, and this kid tells him they fight for Stannis, the Lord of Light for the one true god, and the pirate just mocks him that he's been all over the world with people telling him about their one true gods, but to him... "the one true god is whats between a woman's legs, and better yet, a queens legs" and the kid just walks off fed up and the pirate mocks, oh, Davos son, for being a true believer as his father promises him the gold, glory, but not the queen, and the pirate seriouses up and asks if his man can really win, and Davos vouches for Stannis, and the pirate laughs that Westeros men are weird, a man cuts off his fingers and you fall in love, and Davos offers him a.. gloved hand, to shake on, so I guess he was caught smuggling on Stannis land or something and he ended up working for him, and the pirate swaggers off past the flinching son smiling at how shook this lil white boi is of the BBC, ah truly a great use of our first black actor, have him ranting about raping a white woman and then threatening to rape a young white man, good stuff HBO, and they call me the racist, and then Davos has to put up with his son trying to convert him to him and his mothers religion of the one true god, Allah of course, and his father says he respects him, but he's seen too many men;s prayers gone unanswered to have a faith himself and implies he's only ever relied on himself to come home from sea not praying to some god, but his son says he was, and his dad says if he wants him to have a god then his god is Stannis who let his son learn how to read and will be a knight some day and his son says he's just a king but Davos says don't tell him that and rides off, well that was an oddly modern-ish conversation about religion, you'd think back then everyone would have a faith or keep their mouth shut about it because you might get it staved in for disrespecting someones gods and a father wouldn't want to talk that way to his son in case he convinces him and it ends up getting his lad killed, funny that everyone's under the Red Lady's thrall other than him but he just knows to keep his mouth shut about it since he knows its working in his kings favor, I'm sure some edgy shit will happen where the Red Lady forces him to pray to spare his sons life and then kills him anyway or something, anyway I wonder if we'll see this dude again I know this is the ancient times of 2012 but it's weird to watch a show with only white people in it other than the Dany scenes which again feel like another series, show needs more hot black girls is what I'm getting at
then we see Cersei chewing Tyrion out, unfortunately not like that, about firing the leader of the city guard but Tyrion warns her she's losing the people over the whole "murdering children in public" thing and she just laughs and says she doesn't care about the people, and he tries to sell it to her as the practical notion of it being hard to rule over a million people who want her dead especially with le winter coming and she just gave them their rallying cry of "the queen kills babies" and she tries to keep smiling to pretend she doesn't care but cant keep it up as she knows he's right and gets shook and walks to the window and Tyrion realizes there's something wrong here since she's usually so shameless but he realizes "it wasn't you who gave the order, was it?" and realizes "Joffrey didn't even tell you... did he tell you? I imagine that would be even worse" but heeeere were we get to the defensiveness when he questions his nephew she rants "that's what ruling is, sleeping on a bed of weeds and ripping them out one by one before they strangle you in your sleep" and when he gives a meme quip about it she starts crying about how he nor Jaime never took leadership seriously, I guess because they have le male privilege of not having to fight tooth and nail to keep themselves from getting raped never mind have any power in this world and can just go around their lives as princes without being married off to a drunk wife beater and have to fuck your own brother, and she sits down lamenting how "it's all fallen on me" in a rare moment of genuine emotional vulnerability hoping that Tyrion, the closest thing to a good person in her family, will console her, but there's a fantastic take from Peter Dinkledge here where he quickly looks away as if panicking and having no idea what to do with any woman being emotionally vulnerable to him after what his brother and father put him through never mind his usually ice cold bitch queen sister and he defaults on his usual manipulative taunting behavoir and says "as has Jaime, repeatedly, according to Stannis Baratheon" lmao
which I'm sure he already knew years ago, and looks up at her as if he's ashamed of himself for failing to rise to the challenge of comforting her and just being a manipulator as always, ashamed of Jaime for doing that, ashamed of her for asking for comfort from him after all she's done and ashamed of his whole fucked up miserable evil family, and sits there with his eyes watering, and Cersei just stares at the table in silence like she deserves that response instead of any decency, and then cringes as she says "you're funny, you've always been funny" as if she can barely find her words she's so upset, but then she feels angry, and as if that's the only thing that makes her shit life have any direction, she can suddenly find her words real fucking well and tells him "but none of your jokes will ever match the first one, will they?" as she stares at him with malice and goes on "you remember? back when you ripped my mother open on your way out of her and she bled to death?" and Tyrion looks like hes about to cry and is leaning so far away from her like he wants to run away from what she's saying and is about to say he's about to fall off his chair and says "she was my mother too" as if this is the only way their fucked up relationship can be honest, emotionally abusing each other like usual but just not hiding how hurt they are by it, and Cersei looks at him with disgust and says "mother gone... for the sake of you" and Tyrion clenches his jaw as if he's ready for the sentence that'll keep him awake at night for the rest of his life as his sister says "there's no bigger joke in the world than that"
and then just stares at him like there's nothing else to their relationship than trading suffering back and fourth and then walks out the door not even bothering to close it and Tyrion just sits there like there's no point in thinking up some witty retort or scheme to get even when all that shit he does with other people is just a coping mechanism to avoid facing what only Cersei can just say to his face, damn what a dank-ass scene, cant believe such amazing writing and acting is taking place in the same show as the Dany storyline lmao
then at Stannis HQ Davos and his son are playing with their really cool table top RPG play set putting the BBC pirates boats into play when Stannis walks in with the Red Lady to get the good news but Stannis considers pirates dishonerable but Davos assures him he's got the sniff of gold, and Stannis does the "leave us" meme on Davos and his boy to stay with the Red Lady, who stops the son and gives him a blessing and whispers something secret and sensually in his ear until his uncomfortable father calls him away, and Stannis asks what she told the lad and she says "death by fire is the purest death" wow thanks for the nice life advice lady, and Stannis stares at her wide-eyed like he's not one for hiding his reactions and thinks she's insane so she starts buttering him up as the prophesied Lord of Light and he, clearly not being a believer, tells her to tell her lord to burn his enemies then because his little brother already has 100K men and he cant take Kings Landing without them, and the Red Lady tempts him to find faith, and Stannis just growls "I've said the words damn ya!" as if that's what he thinks the extent of religious devotion is, meerely preformative, but she smiles at him seeing his ignorance as a sign he'll be easier to brainwash and she tells him he must give over himself and... lets her dress fall open to show him her breasts, and Stannis walks away saying "I have a wife, I took a vow" almost as if he's complaining about it, but is too honerable not to remember it, and the Red Lady comes closer to him with her pubic hair exposed and gives some exposition that his wife is sickly to the point of disgusting him and that she's not given him any sons only stillborns and she holds him and promises to give him a son, knowing that's what really tempts him, and he's enchanted... and gives in, and takes her robe all the way off and starts kissing her and then... tosses her on his RPG table and starts fucking her as all the pieces topple over, wtf those warhammer figurines take hours to paint!, as if he's fucking Westeros itself and this will topple over all the currently established powers or some such kino
then back at boring central we see Jon noticing the patriarch guy creeping through the dusk holding a baby so he follows after him into the snowy tundra to find... nothing... there's noone there... but then he hears some weird sounds in the woods... and sees the patriarch guy leaving... empty handed... and he hears the baby crying so takes out his sword and runs towards it and starts hearing creepy sounds all around him until he spots the baby left in the woods but then sees... A WHITE WALKER PICKING UP THE GUYS GRANDSON/SON...
BUT THEN THE INCEST GUY APPEARS BEHIND JON AND KNOCKS HIM OUT!!!! ok that was actually a cool reveal, with the non-stop edge I just assumed the hints at fowl play were just, youknow, the usual fowl fowl play where he cuts their dicks off and raises them as more daughters or some sick fetish shit not something to actually, god forbid, do with the plot, this is a Jon Snow storyline after all, I'm guessing what's going on here is the White Walkers cant reproduce naturally and need dead humans to reanimate to multiply so this guy made a bargain that if they spare him and his daughters/wives he'll let them have his sons to convert, although maybe if White Walkers don't age at all they raise the baby human amongst them until their at their physical prime to kill them and reanimate them so they don't have some retarded zombie baby that's useless, well that was a good episode, mostly because it had fuck all Dany and loads of good stuff with Cersei and some aaaah uhhhh interesting development with Theon and his family
Game of Thrones 2x03: "What Is Dead May Never Die"
I am no man! special edition
First aired: April 15, 2012
then like all TV show cliffhangers we're not going to be able to address the information brought up last time right away of course as the patriarch guy throws Jon into his cabin and demands the lord commander guy take his men and leave and the commander tells Jon to fuck off who doesn't just blurt out "he gives his sons to the white walkers" and sulks out like a cuckold but afterwards when the lord commander talks to him it turns out he already knows because "wildlings serve crueller gods than you or I", although it doesn't seem he knows about the White Walker aspect, which maybe Jon should fucking say, and the Nights Watchmen put up with it because he's their only safe refuge beyond The Wall, and Jon fiiiiinally mentions he saw a creature taking the child, but not saying it's a White Walker that he's already seen for no reason, and the commander says some creepy shit about how he'll probably see it again, then later Sam is talking to Gilly in secret, or as much secret as a man of his size can have sneaking around in public, and he's such an orbiter he gives her a gift of his mothers thimble promising to come back since the most female attention he's ever gotten in his life is from this sex slave that gets raped by her dad
then back at Winterfell the teacher guy sends le ebin Hodor man to rouse Bran for his lessons and Bran wakes up with his direwolf ontop of him staring into his eyes as if it can tell he's having the dream where he's a wolf
and he tells his teacher he thinks he might be a legend his nan told him about being able to see through animals eyes but he tells him it's just a myth, and then he shows him that he has a link of valaryan steel on the chains all "maesters" have around them like the old ass guy in Kingslanding which I guess are like their qualifications of what they've studied because he says this one indicates he "studied the higher mysteries", which is maybe like their version of physics or something, and admits he tried to practice magic spells because he, like any other young boy, wished he could have special powers, but he never got anything from it, and even if magic was real thousands of years ago with dragons and giants and the "children of the forest", they aren't around any longer, which is an interesting take on the fantasy genre to maybe keep it more realistic where "back then" people really did take religion at face value and worry about what other supernatural things were real but in this case it actually was and can still exist rarely, although I still think it's still a bit daft that in this world it actually is real and someone as smart and studied as this guy hasn't heard that no there really is witches and White Walkers and shit since information travels by crows so fast in this world, idk what the fuck GRRM was thinking really not having it being entirely alternate history since that's clearly the theme he's going for and the content that actually does have shit like dragons and zombies in it feels like an entirely different show, I get that later on he treats dragons like WMDs sort of with the way Dany uses them in battle and as a deterrent and the White Walkers are sort of a metaphor for how groups of humans think of their enemies as simultaneously as mindless animals but also terrifyingly powerful attackers but it doesn't really work to say anything when that's actually what they are within the canon rofl
then we finally see what the gay brother is up to with his glorious army, which is having fighting tournaments for the amusement of himself and I guess his wife he's in the closet or bi with and she's played by Natalie Dormer who I've seen in a lot of other things, she was good as SPOILER WARNING FOR ELEMENTARY Moriarty and probably the best thing about the extremely pretentious Picnic at Hanging Rock, and she's doing a good acting meme of breathing hard as she gets all excited from watching these men fight, hopefully a sexual excitement, and when Cat arrives she watches the fight looking like wtf are these dumbasses doing fighting each other, and Dormer's character gets so hyped she stands up and starts cheering on the winner who's annihilating the other guy and with a mace and manages to pin him down with a blade to him until he yields, and when the would-be king tells the victor to remove his helmet... its actually... A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and the crowd gasps and the loser looks humiliated but Dormer defends her brothers attempts to fight for the kings honor, and the gay dude, whats his name Renly? gives this Brienne of Tarth anything she wishes, who I'll just call Brie for short, who speaking of short or not is played by Gwendoline Christie who's a big girl for you at 6 foot 3 inches which is huge for most of the manlet actors in hollywood, I've only seen her in the new Star Wars movie where the press built her up as this new badass villain when she's in like 3 scenes total and does nothing but get humiliated by the black dude the two times they meet lmao but I have a feeling I'm gonna like this character I really like how every group has their designated like super badass soldier, like The Hound seems to be Joffrey's bodyguard, the Mountain is Tywin's main enforcer, I think Bronn worked for the Starks until Tyrion hired him, and it seems like Renly's is going to be this lady which is dank and right up my alley, and her request is a place on his kingsguard, to be one of his seven bodyguards, and the crowd is shocked that a woman would request such a role, and the loser looks at Renly like come on dude... nepotism and all that... wtf... but Renly ACCEPTS and makes her one of his personal guards, very feminist of him, bravo, usually I'd nitpick about a woman fighter in such a grounded setting but for once they actually did cast a woman's that's actually physically imposing who probably could have the leverage and weight to throw average men around and not like 90lbs Summer Glau in Firefly or whatever dumb anime shit so bravo, and one of his men introduces Cat and Renly introduces his wife Margery of house Tyrell and idk if Dorner, who for some reason has a permanent smirk on her face that might be the issue, is just a bad actress or not but she unconvincingly says she's sorry for her loss, maybe it's that the character is a sociopath and doesn't give a shit but knows she's meant to act polite to stay the queen, or maybe Dorner's wonky mouth just makes her look smug at all times lmao
and Cat seems to be able to tell she's disingenuous but just says she's most kind and then Renly promises he'll bring her Joffrey's head and his men all cheer and Margery looks around at smiles at how riled up the men are as if she gets turned on sitting right next to one of the most powerful men in the realm and Brie tells Cat he should kneel when talking to the king getting right into her new job and the dude she defeated gets uppity and starts saying Robb should come down himself and Cat just snaps "my son is fighting a war, not playing at one" and the guy gets some snickers against him and he looks btfo yet again and Renly just smiles like he remembers how feisty she is and goes off to talk to her and Margery looks off not smug looking for once as if she's intimidated by another strong willed woman having influence over Renly and Renly walks Cat through his army and stops to ask a man if his foot is alright because he seems to have gotten stepped on by his horse and it seems like Renly genuinely cares for his people, or at least doesn't mind seeming to for PR, which is at least better than every other leader who are harsh to their people or don't give a fuck one way or another like Cersei, and Cat makes a comment about his Knight of Flowers, I guess that was the guy getting beaten up by Brie, god I cannot tell these people apart, so Renly is having an affair with his wife's brother? top fucking kek, also a kek that this pretty boy guys main role in the show is to get his ass beat by people far larger than him, and Cat warns him that having men like that aren't hard enough, and Renly takes a bit of offence of her talking down about his lover but tries to hide it since he's a homeboy on the downlow and tells Brie to take Cat to her tent, and she talks to her about how she's willing to die for Renly, it seems just because she desires to be a soldier rather than having such conviction for a guy who's only just staked a claim to the throne and she's only just met a minute ago, on the battlefield and not to call her a lady, and Cat smiles as if it's nice to see a woman so self-assured and getting what she wants for once in this fucked up world, but then her face drops as if she remembers oh yeah, this ain't no fucking fairytale and all that'll be good for is getting her stabbed in death so some rich cunts can get richer, which about sums up women wanting to be in combat roles in real life, like if I fucking hated women (more than I already do) that's what I'd advocate for, women getting their brains blown out and getting PTSD from getting their limbs torn off, seeing their friends die and killing poor brown people who's homes they're invading, just a wee bit of intel for any feminists retarded enough to support that that's a fucking good thing you're not equal to men for, being conscripted (which america still has for men and you literally have to sign up for a draft in america and all americans tell me lol wtf you on about but then if I say the magic buzzwords of "selective service" and they all instantly admit to signing up) to die in a fucking war is the worst thing about being a man and wanting that for women is like saying more women need to hang themselves to get equal with men's suicide rates or something
then we see Theon walking into the dark shitty looking dinner room when Yara comes in and he gets extremely triggered and yells WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! and she says smugly "I live here" yeah your sister living with your father what a weird turn of events Theon, I think he's feeling a bit of the ol sexual violation since his own sister baited him into fingering her lmao, and she asks if he's angry, and he snaps YOU LYING BITCH!, and she just says "its not my fault you didn't recognize me" obviously the right course of action here is to rape her so you're even, and Theon screams that last time he saw her she looked like "a fat little boy" and Yara says she didn't tell him because she "wanted to see who you were first... and I did" and laughs at him did they actually full on fuck off-screen before he went to meet his dad or something lis and speak of the devil their father storms in to some maps on the table and declares while "the wolf pup" is distracted fighting the lion down south with all his men they can take the North and eventually even Winterfell will bow to them and Theon bricks it realizing his father's going to stab Robb in the back and tentatively asks what his role is and his father gives him one ship, "the sea bitch" to fight fishermen, while Yara gets 30 lol, and Robb starts insisting he knows Robb's men and they wont give up and he knows more about war than Yara since he's a proven warrior but his dad basically calls him a traitor for protecting the men who killed his brothers and Theon realizes he's on thin ice and tries to argue logically that if they ally with the North they would just give them Castle Rock wherever that is, but his dad is a diehard Ironborn ideologist who says "we do not sow, we take" (yeah probably why you live in a barren cold dark dank wet shithole where everyone is an asshole), and Theon, seemingly still loyal to Robb since they are actually nice to him and don't belittle or sexually molest him, tries the angle of whining like a bitch that he didn't choose to go with the Starks they stole him when his father bent the knee to King Robert and THEON'S DAD SLAPS HIM SO HARD HE GOES FLYING BACK ACROSS THE ROOM INTO A TABLE LMAO and Theon declares/reveals "you gave me away! your last boy! and now you curse me because I've come home!" and his dad just looks sad and storms off, and Yara gets triggered and calls him out for having another family and tells him he better choose and angstily storms off herself while Theon stands there looking like he's about to cry for having to make such a tough decision, he might be one of the more dumber characters and on the surface just le obnoxious womanizer but he's actually a pretty interesting character with how insecure he is in a very immature overcompensating sort of way and I like that he's clearly extremely bothered by his sister tricking him into fingering her since usually mainstream media depict men being sexually abused as just le wacky misunderstanding, not a big deal because they all want it at all times or just deserts for their own prior sexual misdeeds and Theon being such a lecherous fuckboy himself is prime fodder for such Ameridogshit tropes but Yara's clearly in the wrong here and it was used to build up what a nasty person she is and what an uncomfortable experience Theon is having, very woke, bravo
then back in Kingslanding Tyrion's cag is bored because he wont let her leave his room as he's sitting at his desk reading letters but he warns her that his sister is triggered at him and would love to find a weakness to use against him and she gets triggered at being called a weakness but Tyrion tries to explain it's a compliment but she wont accept it since even someone as manipulative as Tyrion cant keep a roastie from getting toastie
then we see Cersei having an awkwardly quiet dinner with Sansa and her two younger children and the sadly innocent young girl asks when the wedding is, and Cersei says after the war, and all the little girl cares about is she'll get a new dress, and Sansa looks at this little girl like Cersei looked at Sansa before Joffrey showed her her fathers head as if she's sad looking at this young girl who's only worries in the world are silly things like fashion that used to be her, except that used to be Sansa like literally a week ago, and she tries to talk to Sansa about her dress but that sort of thing is completely gone from brain, and Cersei spots an opportunity to be a cunt and tells her The Princess just spoke to her, and Sansa struggles to collect herself to say pardon Your Grace and then tells the little girl how much she's looking forward to the wedding as her eyes well up with tears, and Cersei just looks at her like she's glad she's beginning to understand how fucking shit being a queen is and is glad someone else is suffering other than her who's just been hit in the face with what a monster Joffrey is and how literally no one in her life loves her not even the pathetic midget but the longer she stares the less satisfying it is as if she's realized she's just angry at a past version of herself and looks away after maddogging her and the little boy innocently asks if his brother will kill her brother as if all this talk of war is just an interesting bed time story to him and Cersei just sits back and casually says "he might, would you like that?", and Sansa awkwardly sips her drink, but the little boy who hasnt been as fucked in the head yet as Joffrey says "no I wouldn't" and Cersei gets triggered again probably reminded of what a shit Joffrey is in comparison and tells them Sansa will marry him even if he does while smiling at her condescendingly, Lena Heady is such a good actress holy fug
then we get some kino where Sansa looks in a blurry mirror at her reflection as if she's realizing how much of herself she's losing by playing along with this in the name of survival and revenge and wondering if it's worth it, and she gets interrupted from her twilight-esque brooding by... Tyrion's cag who says she's her new handmaiden, who he told he'd get her a job in a kitchen to have something to do but I guess this is his better idea, and Sansa seems super distrustful at first as if she's just someone Cersei sent to get close to her, and Sansa, as if continuing this fucked up cycle of toxic femininity tells her through watering eyes to stop waiting for orders and do things on her own accord, and when this dumb thot goes to get a hairbrush Sansa glares at her like it's so easier to just consider her poor trash she doesn't have to burden herself with relating to and starts ordering her to clean and ranting at her about how it's not her place to show her how to do her job and changes her mind and makes her brush her hair I assume like her mother used to do as she wants some comfort afterall
then we see Tyrion meeting the old-ass measter guy handing him some blue potion because he is suffering from constipation, which he says is probably from stress, and Tyrion asks this dude, Pycelle, if he can keep a secret, and he says to the grave, and he reveals his plan to arrange a marriage for Marcella to some royal family on the mainland in Dorn so they can use their army if they need to but when he turns around Varys is sitting there, and for a split second I thought the old man had turned into Varys or something like Varys was such a master of disguise he could turn into the old man or hypnotize Tyrion into thinking he was him or some shit
but it's just Tyrion telling this same bit of ye olde Fake News™ to everyone else on the counsel as a test to see who leaks it to Cersei first to see who he can trust, a very smart almost Death Note-esque gambit, and reminds me of notoriously sociopathic streamer Destiny saying he does shit like this to see who'll leak bits of made-up and specific to them personal trivia, and Varys plays it like he just loves a bit of gossip as he hears Tyrion telling him he's going to marry the princess off to... Theon! so yeah, its specific to each person so he can see which specific one leakead or not, I bet Destiny stole it from this scene lmao, although it's risky with guys as smart as these because if they speak to each other and figure out what you're doing they could ruse you back, and Varys points out that that's daft as he's a ward of Winterfell and Theon tells a tall tale about how he plans to get Theon on their side with this marriage and have him destroy the Starks from within as their mole
then we cut to CIA that he's going to marry off Myrcella to... Robin Arryn of the Vale, who I am pretty sure was the little shit prince who tried to throw him down the well last season, and Tyrion quips about how he's not on the best of terms with his mother but maybe a royal match will convince her to let bygones be bygones, and CIA wonders why he'd be so forgiving to a woman who tried to have him killed, and Tyrion, knowing just how to take a jab at CIA who we finally get to see him mentally spar with, says holding a grudge is an encumbrance for men in their position, and CIA just smirks like he's a cheeky wee cunt and offers his assistance in convincing the queen to marry off her son to his niece but unlike the other two who's strengths come from seeming like harmless confidantes CIA of course asks "whats in it for me?" and Tyrion spins another tall tale about ending the war, gaining back control of the vale and something called Harrenhal, I guess that's the name of that crazy castle carved into the mountain, which CIA claims is cursed, and Tyrion says he can tear it down once he's Lord of the Riverlands, and CIA looks like just jizzed his pants from the temptations of such power but claims Tyrion fucked over the last guy he promised that title, and Tyrion knows how much CIA appreciates a callously utilitarian business arrangement and just says he didn't need him, but he needs CIA, who doesn't say anything back, the closest thing he gets to giving genuine aproval, and Tyrion just reminds him... the queen mustn't know, and CIA looks on after him like he's having a moment of weakness like he should think twice but has such longong for more power, heheheheheh good scene
then we cut to some gay porn of Renly making out with his fucking brother-in-law in bed and taking his shirt off, wonder if his wife wonders why he shaves all his body hair lmao, and then when he takes his lovers shirt off he notices all the bruises he got from Brie's flail and teases him about it and kisses his bruises playfully, but the prettyboy isn't feeling it and gets annoyed since he's still butthurt about losing to a woman and starts bitching to Renly for humiliating him by appointing her kingsguard, and he calls him out as jealous, but the prettyboy calls her condescendingly Brieanne the Beuty as if no one finds a female lanklet attractive and when Renly tries to "make it up to him" by giving him le succ the prettyboy turns him down and tells him bitchily that there's another Tyrell who needs his attention, I guess suggesting he go bust a nut with his wife instead because they need to keep their fathers aproval and starts to leave, and when Renly grabs him to start kissing him again the prettyboy, who probably isn't that into him (or Cersei) and just wants special friends in special places, shoes him off and tells him his vassals are starting to snigger behind his back because "brides aren't usually virgins two weeks after their wedding night" (not sure how his men know that but ok, I know in some shitholes in the middle east in the modern day the parents demand to see the marital bed sheets to see the blood from their daughters hymen getting popped lmao and since this is fucking retarded and doesn't happen every time if you're a virgin and might happen if you're not since the entire islamic faith is like something written by an incel who's never talked to a woman before some couples have to buy a chicken to cut up and put its blood on the sheets to keep their familys happy) so I guess Renly is mostly on the gay side and Renly just snorts "and Margery is a virgin?" and the prettyboy just says "officially, shall I bring her to you?" and storms off, which makes it sound like he has to seduce her into fucking her husband or something but I guess he's just going to summon her
and then we see Renly downing a glass of alcohol to try to cope with having to fuck a woman, and he warns her he's had a bit of wine, I supposed to try and excuse away any trouble getting hard as ye ole whisky dick, and then he awkwardly stares at her and tells her she looks very beautiful, and MARGERY GETS HER TITS OUT with that obnoxious smirk on her face that makes it hard to tell if that's just her all the time or if she's onto the fact that he's gay and just doing this for political reasons too or might even get off on the fact that she can even bed a gay man or maybe even getting a sadistic thrill out of how uncomfortable he is, >tfw not gay so women with a fetish for reverse corrective rape will never rape you
and she starts making out with him as he prattles on awkwardly about inner beuty but she shuts him up and he just stares ahead like oh fuck here we go and when she puts her hand down to his benis he excuses it as the wine as if that's what he planned ahead for and he just closes his eyes as if he's imagining his lover as she kisses him and tries to stroke him hard but it's not working and he says sorry and goes to leave but yep there we go she says DO YOU WANT MY BROTHER TO COME IN AND GET YOU STARTED? I KNOW HE WOULDN'T MIND, OR I COULD TURN OVER AND YOU CAN PRETEND I'M HIM lmao thought so and Renly, with the immense pressures of 1) being gay in a time where there's at least casual homophobia never mind what the law is 2) needing to command the respect of an army as a badass man of war and 3) keep their father who presumably wouldn't like that he's cheating on his daughter with his son lmao on his side, gets all shook and pretends to not know what shes on about, and she just smiles to herself, I think, as if it's good news to her he's so paranoid about being found out because it'll make him easier to manipulate, and tells him they don't need to play games together, he needs to save his lies for court as if this is just the regular business of power, and she sits down and comforts him almost more like a friend rubbing his shoulders and tells him they need to have a baby to bind their family's together but they can try again later and its totally up to him how they do it, with her brother or without, if he wants, and reassures him caringly that he's the king and kisses him platonically like a sister on the cheek, like her main goal is to just cement herself in power, and she's probably right, her brother seems like he's up for anything sexual as long as it benefits him, hell maybe they even worked together to plan this arrangement, where she's his wife in public but to make sure he's really loyal to their family he's his lover in private since they realized he was a homeboy on the downlow or something, good scene and I like this new character and this is a pretty good "closet gay" storyline which are usually overwrought cringefests from being set in the modern day where it doesn't really matter at all if you're gay anymore and even if your family hates you then fuck em probably weren't doing you any good to stick around them already but this dude has everything to lose if this gets out
then we see Tyrion walking in on Cersei and he realizes his cunning masterplan has already succeeded as she is crying and starts ranting to him calling him a monster for wanting to "marry off Myrcella like a common whore" as if he's only doing this to emotionally abuse her knowing arranged marriages are a soft spot for her and Tyrion just plays along justifying his supposed arrangements waiting for her to drop the name of which of the three pretend-suitors and there we go, she says she wont let him ship her off to DORNE like she was to Robert Baratheon, so it's the old ass maestro who's name I forget that was the untrustworthy one, or at least, fastest to be distrustful as he was the first to tell her, would be awkward of then CIA or Varys came to her and gave another name and she caught onto what happened, wouldn't put it past either of them to catch on to Tyrion's scheme and do that just to fuck with him, also fitting it was the old man since he seemed like he was under CIAs pressure to throw Varys under the bus to Ned last season, unless it was him that poisoned the last (last) Kings Hand afterall or some shit, he definitely seems to have a speciality in medicine, and Tyrion plays along defending his "decision" to marry her off to Dorne as Cersei has a fucking fit about him trying to use her daughter as a hostage (projecting what she's doing with Sansa) and start threatening Tyrion, who looks at her like go on bitch try it, and she tells him "Ned Stark had a piece of paper too" showing just what she does to Kings Hands that fuck with her family, and Tyrion just smiles like it's too easy, and he keeps pushing her to see how far he can take it by saying it's already done, and Cersei throws some glasses off the table in a tanty rage and Tyrion the little shit digs the knife in deeper saying she'll be safer in Dorne, she wont be raped or butchered like the Targaryen children if the city falls, and she rages so much she actually shoves Tyrion back onto the steps and screams in his face to get out, and sits down with her head in her hand as if her life is just one big nightmare, that's why Cersei is such a good character, any other evil queen archetype is just a cunt for no reason other than selfishness, but everything Cersei does is in direct response to the suffering of her circumstances and, ironically unlike many male anti-heroes who use this excuse that retarded audience members believe, actually to protect her children
then we see Theon reading a letter by candle light and I must have to turn in my whitey card because I cant read this fucking cursive but I think its a letter to Robb he wrote warning him of his fathers intentions but the little prick starts burning it as if he's sided with his father or maybe figures the best chance for the Starks to get out of this unscathed is to stay as a mole on his fathers side and actually do Tyrion's fictional plan for him which would be a neat twist but I think Theon's just a insecure twat who'll do whatever he thinks will make him a Real Man™ and there's a kino shot of him sitting in the blackness with the burning letter as if the darkness is consuming him or perhaps the ink, since his family's sigil is a squid, from his fathers influence is surrounding him then the next morning on a beach his father and sister look on as he swears an oath to some priest to their religion of the Drowned God which involves him kneeling as this priest gives some poetic words about how what is dead can never die and having sea water poured over his head like a baptism, huh, I thought I read somewhere it involved literally drowning him in the sea and then reviving him, maybe they gave him the baby version since he's such a pussy
then back in Kingslanding Tyrion's wacky prank is playing itself out as CIA marches in on him and snarls I DON'T APPRECIATE BEING MADE A FOOL OF, DWARF! as he's clocked that the princess cant marry the autistic zoomer prince if she's to be married to Dorne since they aint no muslims bruv, wait its multiple wives they have nvm scratch that g1, and Tyrion doesnt even bother to hide it and just apologizes and he clearly got CIA by the cock there as he's still thirsty to own that queens castle and land and Tyrion just smiles at how easy his greed was used against him and says sorry for that too and CIA warns him to leave him out of his next deception but Tyrion, seemingly using this scheme to get intel on all four of these peoples motivations, sensing how emotionally thinking and evidently greedy CIA is, actually invites him into his next deception to release Jaime, and CIA mocks him that Robb will never release the Kingslayer, and Tyrion drops the bait smiling that CIA's so easy to play with this angle, that no, but Cat might, and CIA licks his lips as if he's literally about to chomp down on some bait when Bronn comes in having found the old man who "had some company" with him that he'd "hate to interrupt", but Tyrion calls him out that he doesn't, and Bronn just admits he doesn't and walks off to do so as if he was just joking and doesn't actually give a fuck about being courteous one way or another, and CIA looks at Tyrion like whats the little shit up to now who just smiles back at him as if he's lucky he wasn't the first one to spill the beans to Cersei, and maybe he never did considering Cersei was probably bitching to other people about the Dorne plan which he'd inevitably hear, going to be interesting to see what Varys thinks of all this, would be dank if he knew all along and used it to play the old man by going to him first, getting him to spill what Tyrion told him... and then telling Cersei the old man's false info to fuck him over
then we cut to Bronn and another big lad kicking in the old mans door as he lays in bed with a cag and he begs Tyrion for mercy swearing it wasnt him that spilled the beans it must have been Varys but Tyrion explains his ruse that he told Varys he was giving the princess to the Greyjoys... and Littlefinger to the zoomer prince... and no one to the Dornish... other than him, as he intimidatingly plays with what looks like ye olde cigar cutter as if he's going to use it to cut off his dick or something knowing this show, aaaaah yes there we go, he tells his men to cut off his manhood and feed it to the goats, a threat he picked up from his old forest savage friends, and as the old man starts panicking Bronn just laughs at him as the other big lad, probably playing up the dumb oaf act to scare the easily flustered senior citizen, that there aren't any goats around, and seeing his will already crumbled Tyrion asks how long he's been spying for his sister, and he swears he's only loyal to the Lannister family, but Tyrion's not buying it, so he orders Bronn to cut off his... beard, much to his distress, and then asks how many hands he's betrayed, and he stutters out an explanation that the last last Hand was going to tell King Robert about the Queen (fucking her brother), and Tyrion accuses him of poisoning the Hand, and he swears he didn't, which he seems to buy, but can tell he still had something to do with it, and accuses him of hastening his death and then orders the mewling old man to be thrown in one of the black cells which he finds extremely distressing and Tyrion just leaves a coin for the terrified whore who had to sit through all that in the background breathing and panting in fear and as Tyrion notes how curiously strong the old man is when suddenly fighting back against his men he gives the cag another coin and she calms down, almost as if she was just pretending to be more shook than she was to try and get compensation/hush money and wondering about if the old man was playing possum it made him realize the whore probably was too, dank shit I love Tyrion and his little Cold War-esque schemes, manlet pride brother
and then we see Tyrion drinking and the camera pans over to show... Varys, in a scene that comes across as very intimite from it's lack of establishing or wide shots like most discussion scenes on this show, who seems to have caught on more than enough to what Tyrion's pulled off and congratulates him but asks if he should be worried what with Tyrion already getting rid of the head of the City Watch and not so poor old Pycelle, "the small counsel grows smaller every day" he says with a cheeky intonation as if less competition is fine by him, and Tyrion just says he's not intending to follow Ned's path, and then Varys tells him a riddle... "a king, a priest and a rich man... between them stands a commmon sellsword and each great man bids the sellsword kill the other two... who lives... who dies?" (my guess? the sellsword is the one who dies because all three powerful men, who despite being enemies, can all agree they cant risk a mercenary of indeterminate loyalty in their presence, and have him killed, and the point of the story is Varys is basically warning Tyrion that you don't want to expose yourself as a threat to those in power, because no matter their type of power, they keep it by being ruthless to the less powerful) and Tyrion says "depends on the sellsword", which I took to mean it depends on his personality, who's decisions he'd be loyal to, but when Varys asks "does it? he has neither crown nor gold nor favor with the gods" Tyrion says "he has the sword, the power of life and death" as if he means it's up to his decision and he's the real one in charge in that situation, taking the question to be who's the real most powerful man in the room, and going for the cheeky fourth option of the swordseller I went for too but just in a different way, and Varys hints "but if it's the swordsmen who rule, why do we pretend kings hold all the power?" and Tyrion sips his drink narrowing his eyes as he tries to figure what he's getting at and Varys hints at what hes really saying by asking "when Ned Stark lost his head, who was truly responsible? Joffrey? the executioner? or something else?" (I guess it was really CIA's doing) and Tyrion being reminded of his, uh, stark reality, says "I've decided I don't like riddles", and Varys explains "power resides where men believe it resides, its a trick, a shadow on the wall, and a very small man can cast a very large shadow" as he smiles at him as if the point of the riddle was to congratulate him again on his continuing mastery of manipulation, so I guess his answer to the riddle is sort of what Tyrion said, but not that it's up to the swordseller in the sense of he's the really most powerful, it is how I assumed he meant it first, its up to whoever he believes is the most powerful of the three, since there's no actual answer beyond that, which is true really, you cant even bribe someone like the Lannisters do if they don't BELIEVE their money will bring them power or BELIEVE the Lannisters will continue to have the power to pay them or they BELIEVE others would follow them, and his argument applies to real life to where different political groups squable over whether optics matters or they can just say and do whatever they want to further their cause when blatantly obviously optics is all that matters, like I could go murder a bunch of people and if I get the optics right nothing fucking happens to me, never mind obvious things like if your movement has bad optics it's going to lose supporters, so you got a lot of people tapping out of the alt-right after realizing what kinds of people they were agreeing with after Charlottesville and the left is losing a lot of white men since they can't shut the fuck up blaming everything on them even if that's what not what they actually mean because they forget not everyone has their understanding of their opaque anylisis of social group dynamics, really makes ya think, ok so I think it's fair to say that from this exchange we can infer that the Epic Ruse Master Power Rankings are thus Varys > Tyrion > Cersei > CIA > Pycelle since Varys has yet to be rused by anyone and is always ontop of everyone's ruses, Tyrion just rused the other three, Cersei made CIA her bitch boy and Pycelle was the only one dumb enough to expose himself fully
then on tha road at I think the same castle we saw the cast stay at last season we see Arya sharpening her sword like an edgy gurl amongst the other sleeping travellers and whoever the adult guy is comes in and offers her his flask of alcohol, and Arya gets nervous and says she doesn't like the taste, probably lying that shes ever tried it since she wants to be more adult than she actually is, as she's still kind of acting on her childish notions of what some brave hero would be since she hasn't gotten bitch slapped by reality yet by literally seeing her fathers severed head straight on like Sansa has, but I guess she did merc that other fat kid so she's on her way to being a real nigga, and the dude admits "you don't drink it for the taste to be honest", which is true and something that drives alcohol drinkers up the wall who swear up and down the street that they just like it for the taste and not the real reason that they take a mind altering substance because just not being able to think straight is enjoyable which about sums up how extremely pathetic human beings are but at least some people can admit it (or not partake at all due to not being pathetic, like me, *wastes life writing autistic threads on a dead message board no one ever reads*), and Arya perks up hearing an adult actually telling the truth and being straight with her for once and stares at him as he tries to sleep, which he can sense, and she asks how he can sleep after seeing so many horrible things and have them in your head, and as if addressing what I just typed up there he says she didn't see anything, he made damn sure, I remember as a kid I would think this trope in fiction of adults stopping kids from seeing things was dumb, like so what, you'd still know it was happening, it's condescending to think a kid seeing it would change anything, but now as an adult I realize yeah, seeing is believing on an emotional level and you wouldn't want a kid seeing that, or an adult for that matter, but Arya says just seeing everyone, Joffrey, the queen, her sister, standing up there waiting to kill her dad was enough to keep her awake, and the adult talks about how he saw his own brother being stabbed through the heart by some regular guy and he didn't do shit about it, and he cant even remember his brothers face anymore... but he can remember his killer... and starts describing this guys good looks, and how he'd think about him constantly, even saying his name before he went to bed every night, until the man came back into town... and he buried an axe so deep in his skull they had to bury him with it, and his horse has been taking him to the Wall and he's been wearing black ever since, lmao I guess wearing black is the thing for edgemasters to wear in this culture too, and the man realizes he's not exactly helping Arya and laughs "that'll help you sleep eh" and tries to go back to sleep, I guess he was just unburdening himself but maybe also telling her she can use revenge to keep going since it seemed to give him relative peace rather than stewing in anger, which probably isn't good life advice or a 10 year old girl, but then they hear a horn outside and he hops up screaming for every "lazy sons of whores" to wake up and Arya insists on fighting with him but he tells her dead serious to stay hidden and run if things go bad and whips everyone else up to grab their swords because "there's men out there who want to fuck your corpses!" nice, edgy, and it's the gold cloaks from Kingslanding there for Gentry and all the travellers run around screaming like headless chickens not knowing where to go to fight or to run or what and one drops a torch that burns the grass next to the prisoners in their cage who starts creaming to be let go because shits about to get holocaust up in this bitch and the leader of the gold cloaks is a knight sent by Tywin himself since the city guard requested their assistance and he's got some of those badass looking red armored Lannister soldiers with him who I guess are like a ye olde PMC since they're professional private soldiers and not just some random serfs some lords gathered up like most of the armies in this setting, and he orders in the name of King Joffrey for this dude to drop his weapons but he just spits on the ground and refuses and bigs himself up for a fight but the leader just says "so be it" and gives the motion and a dude with a crossbow puts an arrow into his chest lmao realism bitch or not since the dude mutters "always hated crossbows, take too long to load!" and HE SLITS THE BOWMAN'S THROAT AS HES FIDDLING TO RELOAD, REALISM BITCH
AND STARTS FIGHTING EVERY CUNT AND MANAGES TO KILL THREE GOLD CLOAKS BEFORE LANNISTER SOLDIERS MOVE IN AND SPEAR HIM AND THEIR LEADER CASUALLY INSERTS HIS SWORD DOWN HIS SPINE, KILLING HIM
and Arya sees this and is like oh fuck its the real nigga shit now and legs it but due to being a moralfaggot Stark she stops when she sees the prisoners being burned alive and she looks around at the battle breaking out and at a hand axe she grabs and the smart girl doesn't wait around to hack the chain off herself she just gives it to the prisoners and runs off and we see the fat kid hiding in the bushes bricking it actually seeing a real battle for the first time and as Arya is about to get away a soldier shoves her to the ground, takes her sword "needle", and mocks her that he'll use it as a toothpick, and then she sees the fat kid being brought in too whining that he yields, and his skinny friend can be heard yelling for help as he got shot in the leg with an arrow, and one of the soldiers goes over to him as his men have won the fight and are gathering up prisoners and asks him if he can walk, uh oh, and this little shit tells him to carry him, and the soldier smiles and offers his hand and says "alright", and the kid looks relieved that the man is helping, but when he takes his hand THE SOLDIER CASUALLY INSERTS ARYA'S SWORD INTO THE BOYS THROAT EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 27
and grins at him as he spurts blood out his mouth and dies laughing to his mates "carry me, he says!" and the commander guy shoves over the ally dude who's name I never picked ups dead body, who's death I liked since we just got his backstory and character development like a minute ago and I like that meme of someone tells their lifestory and then dies even if it's telegraphing it a bit it still forces you to care rather than if the interesting details of their life you half forget from hearing weeks ago and there was some kino in there where he seems to be advocating for violence, saying taking revenge helps him sleep, and then a few minutes later choosing the violent option gets him killed as opposed to what happens next where the commander threatens to start taking peoples eyeballs if they don't give up Gentry, and Arya looks up at him right next to her, and Gentry stands there nervously as if he's hoping they'll just fuck off or if he'll just turn himself in to at least spare these people, but Arya thinks fast and notices a certain something on the ground and tells the commander that they already got him, and looks over at the dead boy they just murdered who had taken Gentry's helmet with him, and says he loved that helmet, hmmmm quite the coincidence that those men were looking for a boy with that bullshead helmet that Arya wouldn't know they knew that and quite the coincidence that skinny boy happened to have it with him, nice writing, although I like the kino element of that soldiers cruelty coming back to bite them, if he hadn't just murdered a child for no reason then his unknown identity would have been a lot harder to use to fool them in this ancient time before everyone put their real name and face on facebook due to being fucking idiots, well pretty fucking fantastic episode, continues the interesting situations Jon and Theon are in but only in 2 scenes so they don't overstay their welcome with their relatively uncharismatic leads, introduces us to some new waifus with Brie and smirky lady, some very interesting developments of the awkward situation Renly finds himself in, some absolutely lovely jubbly elaborate mindgame gambit shenanigans with Tyrion and all three (and the old man kek) other master manipulators in Kingslanding aka best storyline, and some very good brutal violence and a nice wee bit of edge at the end there with Arya, and you know the best part? NO FUCKING DANY! exactly what I want from a Game of Thrones episode
Game of Thrones 2x04: "Garden of Bones"
50 Shades of Joffrey special edition
First aired: April 22, 2012
first scene is some it seems from their almost samurai armor Lannister soldiers discussing who would win in a fight, The Mountain or Jaime, which sounds like the kind of autistic thing the fans of this show would say, so maybe this is a little in-joke about a common debate online back when season 1 aired or something, and the thinner of the two says The Mountain because he's the biggest, but the fatter one says a bulls bigger than a lion but he wont pick it in a fight, and the other brings up maybe Loras Tyrell is the better fighter, but the fat one dismisses him as "prettier than the queen" lmao, I guess these two missed season 1 where he already got his fucking ass destroyed by The Mountain, and not in the way he might like, and this fat one brings the banter says "how good could he be? he's been stabbing Renly Baratheon for years and Renly ain't dead" hahahahahah, so I guess Renly's people aren't laughing at him just for not fucking his wife, but who's fucking him, and his skinny friend laughs at his banter, but then the fat one notices the horses acting a bit spooked, hears something out in the darkness, and they both put their hands on their swords and start looking around when.... THE FAT GUY FARTS MAKING HIS FRIEND JUMP! LMAO! IT WAS JUST A PRANK BRO! nice bit of bathos there and his friend calls him a prick as his friend mocks him but then his skinny friend says no there actually is something out there I think and his fat friend ignores him as he starts to take a piss but his friend suddenly screams his name, the fat guy looks up and hollers in terror as
A MASSIVE DIREWOLF DIVES ONTOP OF HIM KILLING HIM AS ROBB LOOKS ON SMIRKING OH SHIT
and all his men yell King of the North! and they all ride down into battle, nice almost slasher horror movie intro there to show how badass Robb is getting, then by the next morning we see the aftermath of their assault, since they don't have the budget to show a battle yet lmao, with I think one of the dudes we saw in the opening having had his intestines pulled out by the direwolf
and bunch of dead bodies being looted or their supplies like in a video game and men screaming from their injuries and Robb being told that five Lannisters died for every one of theirs and they are in the awkward position of not having enough food for their POWs but Robb insists to this Lord Bolton that they wont be executing prisoners since he's a moralfag Stark, and Bolton says perhaps the officers will give up intel and as they walk by priests from the Seven religion giving the dead their last rites this guy who's from a particularly edgy as fuck clan says "my family have a saying, a naked man has few secrets... a flayed man has none" oh I can feel the edge and you can see on his uniform that his family's sigil is actually an upside down flayed man lmao, ooh that's edgy (although to be faired the icon of the biggest religion on Earth in real life a billion people follow is literally a crusified man so... ok) but Robb says his father outlawed flaying and insists they're not torturing them and Lord Bolton gives him the good two-liner "the high roads very pretty, but you'll have a hard time marching your army down it" reminds me of the demented shaved ape streamer trainwrecks who tells anyone who disagrees with him that they're "highroading" him, whatever he thinks that means, and Robb, probably genuinely meaning to be a good guy, but realizing this guy wont respect him trying to be moral for its own sake, reasons that he doesn't want to give the Lannisters any excuse to abuse his sisters, to which Bolton understands and nods, and then we see an injured soldier screaming as his boot is taken off and a nurse and priest tells him they need to amputate his foot but he screams for them not to and Robb has to hold him down and tells him he doesn't want to watch and to bite down on a cloth so he doesn't bite his own tongue off as this nurse puts a strap around his fucked up leg and starts sawing off, that's some real nigga shit, I remember reading about the American civil war where there were piles of amputated legs and arms overflowing carts, and afterwards the nurse lady is shaming Robb for ordering that man to be attacked and having to lose his limb, and he defends it that he was fighting for the family who killed his father, kind of funny how this world is so fucked up that Robb simply being compassionate to a man who's leg he just took from him makes him a nicer person than every other lead who wouldn't give a shit or would just kill him or worse, and the nurse is like "you think hes friends with King Joffrey? he was a fishermans son, he'd never held a spear before they shoved one in his hands a few months ago" idk you can fish with a spear lel
and Robb tries to explain he has no hatred for the lad and the nurse just says "that'll help his foot grow back?" and moves on to her next patient and Robb stands there gobsmacked that a common woman would talk back to him like that but I guess she's had a fucking enough today and yeah she's right war is hell and all that but at least back then men who ordered war had to ride into it themselves they need to bring that shit back and Robb, flabbergasted with this woman's suspiciously out of place anti-war beliefs as if she was written by modern day writers to address modern day issues almost, tries to defend himself by asking if she'd just have them surrender to end all the bloodshed and live under the benevolent King Joffrey, and she just asks what'll he do after he kills Joffrey, and he admits idk go home lol because he's not going to sit on the Iron Throne himself, and she sums up "you're fighting to overthrow a king and yet you have no plan for what comes after?" *COUGH COUGH* AMERICA *COUGH COUGH*, and Robb says some dumb shit about how "first you have to win the war" since planning ahead too hard for his smooth brain and she just gives up and hops on a cart to ride off and Robb tells her that boy was lucky he was there and she says he was unlucky he was there heh rekt, to be honest I am pretty sure Robb is in the wrong here, he's the one waging war on the Lannisters, if he'd just do what his father would probably want him to do and forget about him none of this would be happening, and yeah Joffrey and Tywin are cunts who kill civvies for their own end but not on the scale that's happening now, and Robb admits he doesn't care who's in charge, so all the people that are going to get fucked by the winter is coming meme might even be worse off, see this is the problem with kings and presidents and shit, obviously if this was a situation just between individuals then yeah, of course if someone killed your father or going about killing kids you could take action against them, but when a head of state and their government does it suddenly you have to take into consideration all the soldiers under their command and all the civilians depending on them and that'd get caught in the cross fire, obviously the solution to this is to make assassinating leaders a way bigger thing, I mean not that I'm advocating that or anything I love innocent people dying and would never want it to stop
speaking of edgy incels we cut to Joffrey going full school shooter pointing a crossbow from in front of the Iron Throne down at Sansa kneeling on the floor with him telling her "you're here to answer for your brothers latest treasons!"
and she throws her brother under the bus swearing she had nothing to do with her "traitor brother", and maybe it's just these two are young inexperienced actors or maybe it's the goofy little golden crown, overly fancy clothes and ornate crossbow Joffrey has and the weird direct cut to him aiming it at the camera with tight shots as if something will be revealed in a wider shot but I honestly thought this was going to be a dream sequence or like a play Joffrey was making her put on or something but no its a serious situation and speaking of incels Joffrey commands the now Ser Lancel to tell her of this latest outrage, and he says that due to some vile sorcery her brother fell on Lannister men with an army of wolves and thousands of good men were butchered and after the slaughter the Northmen feasted on the flesh of the slain, and the crowd assembled in the throneroom gasp in horror, which in true grimdark fashion tenders Robb's good deed of not abusing the POWs moot as the Lannisters simply spread Fake News™ that they're fucking eating them anyway, and the southern capital accusing the Northerners of cannibilism reminds me of the legend of Sawney Bean in Scotland, a supposed cannibal who's family abducted and ate over 1000 people in the 16th century, which was probably anti-Scots propaganda (which hilariously Scotland fully embraced as a fucked up horror story and there are still tourist attractions and plays written about the Sawney clan to this day) from an English publication when some real Game of Thrones shit was going on with the Jacobite rebellion trying to take the throne, anyway this edgy little prick Joffrey struggles to keep his crossbow aimed down at Sansa deciding "killing you would send your brother a message..." as Sansa starts crying "but my mother insists on keeping you alive" like this absolute fedoralord isn't interested in her beyond wanting to be an edgy boi but mommy wont let him, literally like that meme from some spanish language dr. phil type show with the fat kid, you know the one, and he lowers his fancy crossbow, sits down on the Iron Throne and ponders how else to send a message... and decides on ordering his henchman to beat her again "but not the face, I like her pretty" and one of the guards punches her in the stomach but it's shot in a way where there's a candlestick in the way in the foreground but we do see him take out his sword and whack her with the broadside of it in the legs so she falls over which seems like a dangerous wife beating technique, and the crowd all gasps and looks around nervously as Joffrey says "my lady is overdressed, unburden her" ok here we go here's the edge and the guard tears Sansas dress open so she has to hold it to her breasts and The Hound shifts awkwardly as if he's constantly battling the urge to kill Joffrey himself lmao and he says some edgy shit about her screaming loud enough for Robb to hear her and the guard looks like he's about to hack at her with his sword which seems counter productive but he does the tv trope where he's interrupted mid-swing as if it wouldn't be impossible to stop the momentum of a heavy sword he swung that strong without going into it pulling his swing intentionally when Tyrion and Bronn interrupt and the crowd parts as he marches through and Joffrey bricks it because despite all his power he's still a complete boychild scared of his 3 foot tall uncle and Tyrion admonishes the knight for beating a defenceless girl who does the just following orders meme, damn these people really need the holocaust to defeat that argument, and Tyrion shames Joffrey for abusing his would-be wife and uses his paranoia against him by bringing up what happened to the last Mad King and the kingsguard guy gets triggered and tells Tyrion not to threaten the king and puts his hand on his sword but Tyrion just glances at him like manipulating an oaf like him is not even worth his time since he'll do whatever Joffrey wants anyway so just keep focusing on him and tells Bronn that next time he speaks, kill him
lmao and even though he's surrounded by the best guards in the city Bronn just smiles at the kingsguard and Tyrion is like "I'm just educating my nephew, that was a threat, see the difference?" and the guy bricks it like he's a bitch not ready to die, and it seems like Bronn at least wants people to think that he only fights for money, but I guess the implication here is Tyrion has such influence over Joffrey that his personal guard could kill a kingsguard and be let away with it, and Tyrion helps up Sansa and Joffrey stands up super rustled but doesn't say shit, and even though Tyrion gives her the chance to take his help Sansa insists she's loyal to King Joffrey, and Tyrion stops in his tracks amazed as he realizes her dedication to The Game Of Thrones™ and says to himself in a way people only do in tv shows "Lady Stark, you may survive us yet" and Bronn's amazing insight into the situation is that Joffrey is "backed up from balls to brains" LMAO HES CALLING HIM AN INCEL!!! and Tyrion asks "you think dipping his wick will cure what ails him?" and Bronn says, as poiniently as he can, "there's no cure for being a cunt, but the boys at that age" sulis and points out "all hes got to do all day is pick wings off flies, couldn't help to get some of the poison out" I was actually just wondering about Joffrey's sexuality, since you'd think someone reveling in power as him would be getting his end away, maybe there's some taboo about fucking his wife before they're married but no one bats and eye at the powerful whoring in this city, maybe he just hasn't hit puberty yet or is asexual, or maybe due to his upbringing and having not a oner but a double dose of the ol Lannister genes lmao he's so emotionally fucked he can only process le benis in bagina urges through physical violence since he's never seen an adult relationship demonstrated for him that wasn't based around resentment, but either way I am pretty sure Bronn is wrong and he's not just sexually frustrated since he could have any woman in the city he wants including Sansa and he probably just has some wife beater shit going on where he subconsciously or not so subconsciously hates his mother so takes it out on the woman he has control over
well we're about to find out since later on Joffrey comes back to his chambers and snarls "what are you doing here DOG" to The Hound, who I'm guessing he resents because he doesn't have his cooler older brother as his bodyguard or something vain like that, who tells him his uncle left his nameday present for him, hmmm I wonder what that is, and Joffrey looks scared at the door nervously as if he's expecting it to be an assassin or something but The Hound tells him to go in and check, and of course it's a cag eating an apple in bed and Ros starts to flirt with him and touch his benis through his clothes but he recoils and says "no!" clearly uncomfortable but tries to reassert himself by telling her "her, touch her" and watches slackjawed as Ros undresses the cag and starts kissing her naked body and, uh oh, Joffrey suddenly seeming engaged as if he's just realized he can ask "could you hit her?" and the cags having heard it all before, or so they think, giggle and try to make it some sensual fun where she bends over and has Ros spank her as he asks if his uncle sent them and when they say yes he goes "hmm" as if that engages his darker side even more like he's pissed at his uncle interfering with his business and wants to take it out on someone so he goes up behind this bent over naked whore and takes off his belt.... but then gives it to Ros and tells her to use this lmao, and her face falls as she starts to catch on what kind of man Joffrey is but plays along like its stil fun and slaps her with it and the cag moans, but Joffrey tells her harder, and Ros has to really whip her with it and the cag yelps and JOFFREY GRABS ROS BY THE FACE AND TELLS HER "HARDER"
and Ros has to BEAT the cags ass who starts crying for real and Joffrey, realizing he can do whatever he wants, picks up a thankfully unlit tortch and offers it to Ros as the whore looks on in horror and Ros tries to reason that "your grace, too much pain will spoil the pleasure" but he doesn't even reply and just starts... preparing his crossbow, and the girls realize what serious shit they're in and she tries warning him "your grace, if your uncle finds out" but Joffrey says "oh but I want him to find out, you'll bring her to his chambers once you're finished, and show him what you've done, or the same thing will happen to you... begins" and aims the crossbow at her and Ros steels herself knowing this is the only way they both get out of their alive and starts beating the whores ass with the heavy torch, wew laddy, it seems like its not a sexual thing to him at all, he just likes hurting people and has the fun opportunity to abuse some women and use it to get back at his uncle for trying to manipulate him, I suppose he has such a dysfunctional relationship with his mother that he can't even express sexual sadism to women, anyway good scene that elaborates more on Joffrey's character and is a nice inversion of the usual dumb trope in movies and shows where an older man arranges for a younger man to get laid and it's le ebin sexy times for the cringy male fantasy of getting sex with zero effort but here it completely backfires, thanks Bronn for your obviously retarded jack the lad advice, and I guess this is gonna hit Tyrion harder than usual since he has a soft spot for cags, yes I am just using "cag" as a synonym for whores
then back at Renly's army on the coast he comes marching along with Brie and 6 other guards all wearing helmets since they're not player characters and greets CIA as his "favorite whoremonger" and CIA tries to hide his rustlement at being talked down to by a man of higher status than him and joins him in his tent and Renly shames him for flipping his loyalties to the Lannisters so quickly and tells him "I dont like you, I dont like your face" well he's not going to like /tv/ memes and he tells him to get on with it and CIA looks shiftily at Brie wondering about her and Renly says she's the most loyal because she's loyal without pay, yeah sounds like someone that's very easy to bribe actually lmao, and Renly suspects that CIA is coming to him because he suspects he'll successfully take Kingslanding and doesn't want to get beheaded and CIA offers him the choice between a protracted siege or open gates, fucking cheeky cunt, although I presume that's why Tyrion sent him at all because he knows CIA will sell out to the most likely winner and he's setting some sort of trap for Renly now he's figured him and the North are allying so if he gets Renly by the balls, maybe literally if getting him on the throne is their only chance for not being oppressed by Tywin or Stannis, that team will have to release Jaime, oh I love a bit of the ol political scheming, that's why UK politics is so dank because there's so many different parties all doing alliances and combating each other while in america there's not really a democracy at all and they just take it in turns to switch parties every 2 years who carry out policies that would be identical to any other country lmao
then we see Margarie walking with her brother who spots CIA and he kisses her but only on the cheek since they're seemingly the only brother and sister pair not fucking in this show (unfortunately) and walks off to let her do her thing and she just so happens to walk by CIA who has a chat to her where she gossips about "accidentally" walking in on officers undressed because trying to find her tent she's such a slut and CIA catching on that she doesn't share a tent with her husband and when she senses him sniffing around in her marriage she brings up his bachelor status and he says "I've been unlucky in my affections, sadly" literally ye olde beta orbiter, in fact that's a theme in this show, all the most powerful men are some sort of incel, with Varys being the most influential because he's been retaining his mana by doing nofap for 40 years straight, and Marg gets snippy with him and asserts her loyalty to Renly and CIA just smirks as he knows there's some juicy blackmail material in there somewhere
then in, oh no, a desert, we see one of Dany's men riding back to their group that should really be dead from exposure now to tell her that he's met with the Qarth who replaced his horse that presumably didn't make it rip and would be honored to receive "the Mother of Dragons", great, another title for Dany to be given so she can have influence with zero character development needed, amazing, and Jorah warns that the desert around their gates is called "the garden of bones" because when they shut you out the garden grows, edgy stuff
then we see Arya and the other captured travellers being taken to what seems to have been a huge castle tower that's been somehow burnt to the ground, and the fat kid asks Arya "what kind of fire melts stone", and she says "dragon fire", and the blacksmith kid who's name I already forgot says "they're all dead" well at the moment they are since they don't have the CGI budget to show Dany's dragons mid-season, and the fat kid smells something weird and Arya says "dead people" and then inside we see the soldiers clipping their handcuffs onto chains to keep them in place and an old woman watches someone screaming off-screen from what sounds like rope attached to horses pulling him apart or something and when he stops the old lady says "that was my son... my sister was three days ago... my husband the day before that" and the blacksmith kid realizes they take someone every day and Arya asks "does anyone live?" but no one replies, not sure what's going on here I guess they take people here to murder them since they seem to have bought her bullshit about them already having killed their target and then that night in a muddy slavepen Arya is muttering "Joffrey... Cersei... Ilyn Payne..." good name for an executioner "The Hound" over and over again having taken on that dead guys habit of meditating on revenge before going to bed
but she's left out one important name, who we cut to, CIA, coming to speak to, uh oh, Cat, who accuses him of betraying Ned and CIA passionately defends himself saying he begged him to become protector of the realm but Cat aint fucking buying it and accuses him of being a traitor and orders him out and CIA pathetically whines that he's loved her since he was a boy but as soon as he grabs her arm CAT GRABS A DAGGER and screams at him to get out and he bricks it knowing she ain't playing and will drop him if he tries anything and he almost pussies out but then he realizes his best play and says "do you want to see your girls again?" and lies that both girls are healthy and safe... for now... and poor Cat realizes he might be her best chance to save her daughters and regretfully puts the dagger down as she realizes he's only saying this to get leverage over her and just asks what he wants and CIA offers a trade for Jaime but Cat knows Robb cant do it, and CIA says that's why he's coming to her, because she's a mother, and would do anything for her kids, and Cat gets upset but CIA says hes got a gift and gets two priest dudes to bring in a chest, and Cat tentatively goes to open it expecting it to be a dead body or some shit... and it is, but in a nice way, it's Ned's bones so they can give him a funeral, and she tears up and just tells CIA to get out but this time more sensitively and CIA having at least some idea of how to treat someone you claim to love leaves respectfully
then we see Arya and the other prisoners being woken up by the Lannister troops and the fat man warns her the man who picks who dies is coming and Arya recognizes... THE MOUNTAIN, who comes stomping up to the pen and the fat kid stares at him and Arya whispers wtf u doin and the fat kid says the guy next to him says he stares at him everyday and that's why he doesn't get picked so he's trying that, and in the characters first episode he was played by an Australian actor called, appropriately, Conan Stevens who according to an interview is "seven feet or 210 centimetres tall", except 210cm is 6'10", but I can't blame him since american measuring systems are retarded, who was going to play a main orc in The Hobbit trilogy but they replaced him with a CGI model lmao and they've recast him here too where The Mountain is played by a Welsh actor called Ian Whyte, who's fucking seven foot one, except he's noticeably thinner in his frame and face, I guess because the last guy to play him was a professional wrestler and this dude is a professional basketball player which calls for a different body type, and he's mostly in the shadows as he walks back and fourth I guess to try to obscure it's a different actor
and The Mountain picks... the dude next to the fat kid who's been staring at him every day and the fat kid LITERALLY pisses himself realizing his theory was wrong, at least he had the balls to try it I guess, and we see the man being tied to a chair and a soldier asks him if there's any gold, silver or gems in the village and he says no but when he asks where "the brotherhood" is and the guy says no to that he nods to The Mountain who... gets some metal bucket with straps to it... and opens up a cage of rats and stuffs one inside and the soldier keeps asking over and over again where the brotherhood is but the man keeps saying he doesn't know getting more and more scared as The Mountain takes up his shirt and straps the bucket with the rat to him and the man swears he doesn't know anything but The Mountain picks up a flaming torch and holes it to the metal bucket and the man starts looks down in horror as he realizes THE RAT IS TRYING TO BURROW ITS WAY OUT THROUGH HIS CHEST, WAIT A SECOND, THIS IS A TORTURE SCENE RIPPED OFF FROM 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS LMAO!!! and the man suddenly starts giving up a Butcher and his son as people who "helped the villagers" and the soldier thanks him for being helpfull but... lets The Mountain (at least I think its him since the actor changed and I can barely tell everyone apart as it is lis) keep burning the bucket and the man continues to be dug into by the rat, I'll keep the edge meter away since it's establishing they are still grilling these people for info on whatever the situation is, if only we knew what was going on so we could tell if that guy was just serving up some random man to try to save himself, and as I've said before throughout history that's the real purpose of torture, to get innocent people to just give false confessions so your guys can keep getting paid to go about abusing people, since there's some quite funny psychological things that go on with someone in extreme pain where even if he actually did know the info they wanted he might not say it if he thought they wouldn't believe it or it would make them hurt him worse, he'll just say whatever he thinks they'll like to hear and will make them stop even if it's bullshit, I remember reading an old field-guide for the CIA on how to interrogate people during the cold war and it basically summed up the best way to get reliable intel was to just bribe people since you're probably working in an impoverished shithole lmao, then later that night Arya does her edgy mantra again when she sees an old woman begging someone called Polliver for some food and being beaten... so she adds Polliver and The Mountain to her list of people to kill, maybe this is the kind of thing you should just be thinking instead of saying out loud while you're their captives lis, reminds me of the themes from MGS about how humans reproduce by genes but also memes, e.g. you can survive after your death from having children and passing on your DNA to them or by spreading your ideas to others, and even though that guys dead, his life philosophy is still in effect in the world, really makes ya think
then we see a parlay between, ooh, Stannis and Renly's forces, where there are guards standing on the hilltops flying flags from both their sides, Renly's with a stag with a crown around its neck to show he's King and Stannis is the same symbol also with the crown except it's on a flaming heart to show that he supports Satanism or whatever the Red Lady's religion is now, and by a beautiful seaside hill that looks very celtic probably filmed in Ireland we see Stannis has the Red Lady on his right and Davos on his left, and Renly has his brother-in-law lover on his right and Lady Stark on his left, funny that they both have their lovers on their right hand, as they stare each other down on horseback, and Renly starts talking shit about Stannis infringing his banner copyright and memes that it's good he tweaked it a bit because if they used the exact same banner the battle would be terribly confusing, and he asks genuinely why it's got a flaming heart, and the Red Lady explains it's the Lord of Light, and Renly looks the fire priestess up and down and says "ooh brother, now I understand why you found religion in your old age" and Stannis says "watch it", any other character would probably tease him back about his own relations but I guess Stannis is not one for banter or manipulations, but Renly says he's relieved that he's not really a fanatic, since he might be "charmless, rigid, and a bore, but not a godly man" I kinda like how Stannis is just some regular quiet guy and doesn't have an over the top smug manipulator or cocky badass persona like every other character, kind of reminds me of Dick Channey who was probably the most powerful man to ever live at one point in time but has a completely serious, po-faced introverted personality rather than all the hotshot extroverted power players surrounding him
and the Red Lady tells Renly he should be bowing because Stannis is their lord and savoir born amongst salt and smoke and Renly's like "salt and smoke? what is he? a ham?" lmao and Cat tells them if they were her boys she'd lock them in a bedchamber until they remembered they were brothers, which is typical mom talk since Stannis is not even saying anything lmao, and he says he's surprised to see her on his brothers side since her husband lost his head supporting him, and Cat says they have a common enemy but Stannis insists the Iron Throne is his by right, and he's sort of right if it wasn't for Gentry running around, and Renly, who I am pretty sure doesn't have much of a temperament for power especially with his need for privacy and is probably just being egged on to take the throne by his wife, lover and whoever their father is, seems more interested in squabbling with his brother who he seems to resent than argue his own claim, and just points out that the whole realm denies him from Dorne to the Wall, and says that he never wanted any friends (lis @ Stannis characterization so far literally just being some quiet guy who'd probably be happier being a librarian or something) but friends equal power, and we see a shot of the scowling pretty boy as if his father is someone real important, and Stannis simply gives him one night to reconsider going against him and he'll give him his old seat on the counsel and name him his heir until he has a son and we see a shifty Red Lady beside him, kind of like this almost feminist theme going on here where behind every power hungry man is an equally power hungry woman using what little power she has in this world, her reproductive abilities, to rise right up to the top, which seems like a risky move since Renly could just agree and then have him poisoned to be King lul, "otherwise I will destroy you", and Cat looks worried at Renly, hoping that they can work together, but Renly, maybe not giving much of a shit about his future since he has his gayness hanging over his head that could be exposed and destroy his life at any time so fuck it YOLO, talks shit to his big brother about having more men, and Stannis just says we'll see and ride off and the Red Lady does the "the night is dark and full of terrors" meme as they leave, and Renly says "can you believe I loved him once?" and rides off, I'm not sure what Renlys supporters all think his claim is, I guess just that Stannis is such a charmless aspie he couldn't inspire pride at a childrens KKK rally
then with Dany we see her and her 20 odd slaves outside a city's walls and 21 soldiers with spears and shields like some spartan shit approach them with their leaders behind them and Jorah tells her it's because they're a Dorthraki hoard as if to imply to her that that's how to play this like they have more danger and power to them than a bunch of starving dipshits, and the fat leader guy already has her doxx and introduces himself as a "trader of spices", one of the members of the Thirteen leaders of Qarth, and Dany tries to suck up to him but mispronounces their city name lisssss
and the fat guy immediately wants to see the dragons but she can tell they might just merc them for them and tries to bargain for sanctuary but the fat fuck keeps prying in a very saccharine way and when Dany tries to play it le fierce and independent queen but he's just like oh ok then bye and goes to abandon them to die outside in the desert because "Qarth didn't become the greatest city that ever was or ever will be by letting Dothraki savages through its gates" lmao BUILD THE WALL and Jorah can tell Dany is getting raged up to do something and asked her to be careful and Dany goes full edgemaster ranting about how when her dragons are grown she'll get revenge on everyone to ever wrong her and they'll lay waste to armies and burn cities to the ground, she is literally like the angsty kid in class who talks about how he could do a school shooting next year and this seems like a good way to get her and all her people murdered right now so that that cant happen and it'd be all her fault for threatening their people and Jorah just winces like "yeah I know she's edgy I have bad taste in women sorry"
and the fat man quips "ah, you truly are a Targaryan, but as I said, you'll all die out here... so..." lmao and just goes to leave but then a huge black dude is like AYO WHITE BOI, YALL SCARED OF THIS LIL WHITE GURL? DAMN YALL PUSSY ASS, and the fat guy says "the discussion is over, Xaro Xhoan Daxos", nice name with XXX in it cant wait for him to BLACK.COM Dany, who of course excuses Dany because she is conveniently the Mother of Dragons and he was once considered a savage himself (nice role for our second black actor after the last one was a thieving rapist, good stuff) and is so instantly dedicated to her he makes a blood oath by slitting his palm to vouch for her, and the fat guy says fine but its on your head, literally, and they open their gates to reveal this huge fancy ancient African style city (yes, they had huge cities like this in ancient Africa, we WUZ kangs afterall (just not Egyptians))
and then we get an extremely gory shot of a guy hammering the dude who was being tortured's severed fucking head onto a pyke over the slaves cuckshed and unfortunately up next is Gentry who gets tied to the chair and asked about gold or silver, and he says "I'm not from the village" and the inquisitor as if he doesn't even actually care asks "where is the brotherhood?" he says "I don't know what that is" and then the rats come out and get strapped to his chest but then TYWIN LANNISTER and his personal guard comes riding in the front door and starts grilling one of the guards about killing these able bodied and skilled laborers who doesn't even reply back to him and Tywin nods as if hes got the right picture of how to respond to him, not at all, and then he walks into the slaves area and asks Gentry if he has a trade, and he says smith m'lord, as Arya eyes a guards sword as if she's finna bouta lunge for it, but one of the guards catches her and orders her to kneel in front of her lord, but Tywin stops him and says "this ones a girl, you idiot" lmao yes thank you this trope of girls pretending to be boys is retarded since its always obvious (no offence to traps and reverse traps) although it did actually happen in real life so I guess real life people are also retarded or were just very woke and didn't want to misgender them, and Arya says it's because it's safer to travel m'lord and Tywin smiles like he has an appreciation for the tenacity of poorer children unlike his own spoiled soft cunt kids and tells her "smart, unlike these lot" and the guard looks shook as if Tywin might just have him killed but he just orders them to put the slaves to work, with Arya being his new cupbearer! oh shit
and then back in Kingslanding Tyrion has a visit from his cousin Incel, who's awfully scowly and serious looking now he's a Knight, and hands over a warrant from Cersei to release Pycelle, and Tyrion starts playing with Incel asking why she'd send him for such a serious matter, sensing his insecurities, causing him to march into his office to argue with him, and Tyrion says she must trust him to let him into her chambers during "the hour of the wolf" which makes Incel freeze up, I thought that was a reference to her time of the month or something rofl but I guess he just means when the Starks could be plotting against her, and he sniffs at her and smells... Cersei's perfume! wait a fucking second, no hang on, so it was Lancel she was sleeping with last season, and not the Knight of Roses guy? oh fucking hell, why do white people have to all look the same, CERSEI IS FUCKING HER OWN COUSIN TOO? INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 5 bloody hell mate ok, my mistake, Tyrion spells it out, and asks if Cersei knighted him before or after she took him into her bed, lmao, guess he ain't no incel anymore! and Lancel clams up, bricking it that Tyrion figured them out so soon, and he teases his silence, and Lancel grabs at his dagger and yells at him to withdraw his ghastly accusations, and Tyrion puts the fear of the seven gods into him by asking what Joffrey would have to say when he finds out he's been bedding his mother, and Lancel sits down realizing how much trouble he's in, and blurts out that it's not his fault, and Tyrion walks up, now eye level with his quarry, and asks "did she take you against your will? can you not defend yourself, knight?" hey don't victim blame, and Lancel tries to justify it by saying Tywin told him to obey her in everything, and Tyrion asks "did he tell you to fuck her too?", and squeals the just following orders meme again, and Tyrion mocks him saying oh my sisters spread open legs must have been terrible, makes me wonder if even he's had a go at some stage, and he pretends to be going off to tell Joffrey and Lancel drops to his knees begging and pleading swearing he'll leave the city, and Tyrion, seeing he's at his mercy, tells him no, what he'll do is stay by Cersei's side and keep her trust... pleasure her whenever she requires... and no one will need to know as long as he keeps faith with him and tells him everyone he learns about who Cersei talks to and what they say, and Lancel looks down dejected realizing how fucked he is and agrees to at least buy himself a bit longer life, and Tyrion tells him to enjoy his sister for the good of the realm and that he begs her forgiveness and will release Pycelle as long as he's not allowed back on the counsel and quips about how he'd say he hasn't harmed a hear on his head but that wouldn't strictly speaking be true, lul, wonder how long it'll take an old man like that to grow his beard back, I guess Tyrion didn't care that much about Pycelle's loyalties and just wanted to get Cersei shook that he can fuck over anyone more loyal to her than him at his discretion
then on Stannis' ship, I presume one of the new ones he got from the pirates, with a stag-head mast, he's talking to Davos about his "knucklebones" bringing him luck, referring to his fingers he cut off, and Davos gets awkward and jokes its four less fingernails to clean, and Stannis corrects him that it's "fewer", not less, exactly the kind of autistic pedantic shit my dad says lmao, and, oh jesus, Stannis says he never understood why Davos has to wear them, I cant see where but it seems Davos is wearing his own fingerbones as jewlery or something, which is off-putting even to the man who cut them off lmao, but Davos says it reminds him of his justice and at least he was good with a cleaver, and Stannis says he was a hero and a smuggler, a good act doesn't wash out the bad act, nor a bad act the good, so I guess hes got a more black and white moral thinking than most in Westeros, and then they talk about how Davos son doesn't listen to him but does the Red Lady, but Stannis, now getting his dick wet finally since this whole thing rotates around who's an incel and who isn't, wont hear anything against her, and tells Davos he wants him to be a smuggler again... with the Red Lady... and Davos, who's sceptical of her, says he's loyal but asks another way, which makes me wonder if he wants her killed or something
and then we see Davos taking a rowing boat with the Red Lady ashore and she asks "are you afraid, Onion Knight?" I guess he was smuggling onions or something lol, wait isn't that a wii game or something? no I'm thinking of Shovel Knight, and he quips "someone once told me the night was dark and full of terrors" and she smiles with open amusement of his discomfort and starts asking him smugly if he's a good or bad person and he says, I guess agreeing with Stannis' world view, that there's good and bad parts but she tells him "half a rotten onion is all a rotten onion" and then brags about what a good and holy person she is as they come ashore, and she starts prying into his marriage saying she heard he's been with other women, and he tells her not to talk about his wife, but she tells him "you want me, and to see whats beneath this robe... and you will" as Davos stare at her like he wishes he had a god to give him strength right about now, and then the two of them walk into a cave as she says some pretentious shit about how shadows serve the Lord of Light as they come to metal bars, and then she takes off her robe to reveal SHES ALREADY HEAVILY PREGNANT and Davos says "gods protect us!" and she says some Captain America shit "there's only one god, ser davos, and his name is allah!" no she doesn't say the last part
but the lantern Davos was carrying suddenly lights up and the Red Lady lays down on her robe and SHE STARTS GIVING BIRTH AND WE SEE SOMETHING WRIGGLING AROUND HER BELLY AS DAVO'S BACKS THE FUCK UP IN HORROR AS SHE GIVES BIRTH TO... SOME SORT OF SMOKE MONSTER!!!! SOME FUCKING HARRY POTTER DEMENTOR SHADOW SKELETON THING CRAWLS OUT OF HER AND FORMS INTO A HUMANOID IN FRONT OF THEM AND THEN SPREADS DARKNESS ALL OVER THE SCREEN ok what le fuck, what is this, fucking LOST?
like I've already said about the zombies and dragons, we could do without the supernatural elements in a supposed grim and gritty world, but we're in full fantasy now, when before the magic shit the lady Dany burned supposedly did could have not been supernatural at all, maybe dragons are just certain types of animal or something and maybe the zombies are just a virus or something, but I guess we're whole hog into supernatural territory now and we're meant to think Stannis actually is some prophesized hero if he can sire that, or maybe it's entirely her doing and anyone's cum would do the trick, alright onto the next episode where I'm sure we'll not see that thing or ever again, well if I learned anything from Lost we'll never learn what it is, if the writers tell you we will they're fucking lying and the best guess is nanomachines, son
Game of Thrones 2x05: "The Ghost of Harrenhal"
smoke monster special edition
First aired: April 29, 2012
we find Cat swearing to Renly that her son has no interest in the Iron Throne and he casually sips his cup considering if he can trust her and decides that then there's no reason for hostility them and Robb can go on calling himself King of the North... as long as he swears loyalty to him like Ned did to Rob 18 years ago, so not exactly a free North, and Cat asks what they get in return, and Renly says in the morning he'll destroy his brothers army and then Stark and Bathereon can fight their common enemy together like the good old days, would seem smarter of him to ally with the Starks right now so they can help him against Stannis right now, and Cat implores him to negotiate a peace with Stannis, but he's sure his brother won't listen, because he'd have better luck debating the wind, and tells her to please give his regards to her son as they could end this war in a fortnight (duo vs duo shotguns only duel) if they came together but then OH SHIT THE SMOKE MONSTER COMES SLITHERING INTO THE TENT AND BRIE STANDS THERE IN SHOCK AS IT FORMS INTO A HUMAN SHAPE BEHIND RENLY AND... STABS HIM THROUGH THE HEART WITH A BLADE MADE OF SHADOW!!! WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCK?!!?!
AND IT ROARS LIKE "NOTHIN PERSONNEL, FAG"
AND BRIE SCREAMS NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!
AS THE SMOKE MONSTER TURNS ITS HEAD TO LOOK AT CAT AS IT DISSIPATES AND RENLY COLLAPSES IN HER ARMS SPITTING UP BLOOD
AND TWO OF HIS OTHER BODYGUARDS COME IN, THINK BRIE DID IT, YELL "YOU'LL DIE FOR THIS!" AND ATTACK HER, AND CAT TRIES TO STOP THEM BUT THEY'RE ALREADY SWORD FIGHTING BRIE WHO TRIES TO KNOCK THEM AWAY AT FIRST BUT THEY KEEP GETTING BACK UP AND HE'S FORCED TO SLASH ONE OF THEM AND RAM HER SWORD DOWN ONE OF THEIR BACKS
to be fair Brie is quite the suspicious character as if Stannis knew Renly would have a soft spot for a usually discriminated female fighter and give into her request so she can get some alone time with him and then he drops dead stabbed in the back on her first night with him alone and Cat stands there like h-holy shit and Brie looks at the three dead bodies around her realizing her life has gone from her biggest dream to her worst nightmare in about 10 seconds and she drops to her knees and cries over Renly's corpse in absolute agony that she failed to protecc the first and last guy to ever give her a chance at being an honerable soldier and Cat tries to get her to flee as there's yelling outside but she wont listen until Cat says she cant avenge him if she's dead, which snaps her out of it and immediately gets her thinking tactically on the right exit to take, ok, what the absolute F U C K was that, not only are we now operating on fully supernatural rules but they are EXTREMELY OVER POWERED where between all these realistically warring armies that need to keep their numbers, positioning, alliances and popular support in mind... one of them can spawn an invincible T-3000 shadow monster to flawlessly hunt down and assassinate anyone they want lmao, ah yes, very compelling storytelling, brilliant, and before any fucking retard says well you can say that about any sci-fi or fantasy story, like you didn't bitch about the smoke monster on Lost killing people, that's because it's obviously a supernatural mystery from the get-go and didn't sell itself as some extremely brutally realistic thriller where everything has le real consequences, that was some fucking jump the shark shit sorry, now Brie's story is retarded since it's not like an assassin framed or her something and she can just hunt him down to prove it, she's absolutely fucked for the rest of the story since for some reason no one believes in magic anymore so she cant exactly prove the truth to exonerate herself, and yeah its all nice and shocking to have Renly, an interesting character with lots more mileage of drama to wring out of his situation, to be killed off unceremoniously, but why the fuck should I care about any other discussion about alliances in the future of a fucking smoke monster can just pop in and delete someone's character because it'd suit Stannis or whoever else has access to this undefined magic? what is the subtext I am meant to read into real world events here? the closeted gay man got killed by being penetrated from behind by a dark figure so it represents AIDS? absolute dogshit tbqh, fuck off, show ruined
then we see Stannis fleet at sea, which I guess Davos and the Red Lady leaving implies that she can only birth that thing in that specific cave or at least the thing cant travel over water, and we see CIA looking out towards it and probably realizing he needs to leg it as the whole Renly army is running around like headless chickens in fury having heard their king has been murdered in no fit state to fight, and we see the pretty boy sitting beside his body welling up in tears as his sister tries to get him to leave but he wont listen and when CIA comes in to warn them that Stannis is coming he tells him to leave but CIA warns him that Renlys bannermen will all switch to the other Bathereon brother and rush to be the first to sell his wife to him, and the brother-in-law draws his sword and accuses CIA of wanting that privilege for himself, but CIA says he's talking to him not Stannis, I guess because he knows Stannis is a hard man to manipulate and maybe he'd rather get favor with their father or something, and Marge accuses Brie of killing Renly but the brother accuses her of not believing that and it's obviously Stannis and he starts ranting about how he'll avenge him, so CIA reasons with him that he needs to play this smart if he wants revenge but he wont listen or leave Renly's side, not bothering to hide his affection for him any more, which I guess was genuine after all, until his sister starts telling him the same thing, and he finally leaves without saying anything, and as soon as she's gone Marge stops acting so sympathetic and just tells CIA that Renly wasn't ever really a king, but she never wanted to be a queen either... she wants to be THE queen, very feminist, and she looks over at CIA and smiles as if to suggest an alliance as they have common interests, and he fights to hide a smirk as he's getting what he wished for
then we see Cersei creepily watching some teenage girls giggling away playing a blindfold game in the city gardens as if she resents their carefree youth as Tyrion debriefs her on Renly's death saying it's unclear what happened but most accounts implicate Catherine Stark in some way and some say it was one of his kingsguard and others say Stannis did it himself at an unsuccessful parley and a rather sloshed Cersei raises her glass to whoever did it, but Tyrion warns Varys says Renly's army is flocking to support Stannis, so he now has superiority over them on land and sea, but Cersei says CIA says they can outspend him three to one (I suppose their differing agendas here is Varys seems to want Westeros united against an outside force and not infighting while CIA just wants to arrange a situation where he can fuck Cat which might involve fucking over the Lannisters for her) very smugly, I guess she didn't like Renly, although I'm not sure we ever saw them talking one on one, but when Tyrion says their father raised her to have too much respect for money her face immediately looks like a slapped arse as an irishman would say like she can only be happy for literally one second, and Tyrion starts warning they could be overrun and Cersei gets bitchy saying he wants to send her daughter away to Dorne, I guess no one has revealed to her that that was all a le ebin ruse, but Tyrion keeps it up just to keep a threat over her or maybe scared to find out what she'll do when she finds out it was just a prank dude, but Cersei starts ranting about his schemes and plots so maybe she's onto it, and tells him the King has already taken charge of siege preparations, and Tyrion is like uhhhhhhhh excuse me but Cersei clams up and says its the Kings royal prerogative to withhold sensitive information from his counsellors like she knows they're all fucked anyway so might as well be a cunt to her brother who prides himself on always knowing what's going on, then out in the streets we see Bronn standing guard over a tiny little tent Tyrion presumably has himself carried around by servants in and he's making Lancel meet him there who has to scrunch his knees up lmao and he's leaking him the intel that Joffrey's big masterplan is to use "wildfire", and Tyrion grills him for the full truth by asking "if the vile allegations against my brother and sister are true, do you think that would make Jaime less or more likely to kill you?" lmao, as if since Jaime is committing incest with Cersei too he'd be more understanding of Lancel doing it, but he swears that the Alchemists guild has already made it and are preparing to fire it from the city walls at his ships and armies, I'm guessing this is like ye olde napalm or something, or at least that's what he heard her saying to the "pyromancer", nice new class that's been unlocked, and Tyrion says even torturing him is boring, kicks him out, and makes him ask Bronn to kill him if anything happens to him, which he does, the cuck, which Bronn finds very amusing
then with Stannis' new/Renly's old army Davos is giving Stannis his condolences but Stannis don't give a fuck, I guess Davos hesitance before hand was because they both knew what she could do, which you'd think would make Davos less of an atheist since you know... HER RELIGION IS DEMONSTRATIVELY FUCKING REAL, and he is shook about what he saw in that cave, but Stannis wont listen as it got results, and Davos can tell his brother is under the Red Lady's thrall, who used his drive for power against him to intoxicate him, and I guess uh their heir is uh... well... congrats to Stannis the lucky father, its a smoke monster! and he can also tell this is some evil satanic shit that'll blowback on them but he needs to bide his time if he's to get his master to see sense, so he asks when they sail for Kings Landing, and Stannis plans out his campaign on his map moving about chess pieces as he explains it, and Davos tries to tell him if he takes Kingslanding with the Red Lady by his side the victory will be hers, but Stannis just questions his loyalty as he autistically plays with his figurines and tells him to give him the hard truths, and since this show has immediately turned to shit and Davos cant actually tell him the truth because he'll sound insane what with being from a suddenly very badly written tv show where supernatural things exist but no one believes them he has to address how people believe hes the one taking orders from the Red Lady and warns him not to lose Renly's bannermen to her... and he actually listens and says they'll march on Kingslanding without her... but Davos will be leading their ships in the attack, which he claims he's not qualified for, but Stannis says hard truths cut both ways and he'll hang any of the lords who disagree, and Davos just shuts up and leaves knowing this is the best he'll get and Stannis looks down resigned as if he knows deep down it wont end well
then back at Kingslanding Tyrion is talking to Bronn about how fucked they are in the war now as bazaar stall owners try to sell him snakes and mangos and shit and Bronn suggests his father save them but Tyrion says he's too busy getting humiliated by Robb Stark, lmao, and they come upon ye olde edgy shitposting public speaker denouncing, uh oh, the corruption of their society, who surprisingly the city guard just walk past as he's calling them swollen, bloated, foul as brother and sister sleep in the bed of the king and we're surprised when the fruit of their incest is rotten, and a crowd of commoners cheer and laugh in support as he decries the rotten king, and Tyrion is surprised to see such open disloyalty especially considering what Joffrey does to people who meme on him but he agrees to Bronn that the king is a lost cause especially what he did to his birthday present, and Tyrion approves of the speakers great imagination as he mocks the king for dancing down the halls in bloody robes to the tune of his demon monkey until Bronn points out that he's talking about him lmao, and then that the people are blaming HIM for controlling Joffrey, and Tyrion's upset since he's the one trying to save them, wtf I hate heightism now, and Bronn walks off saying he doesn't need to convince him leaving le open storyline of Tyrion trying to win back public favor
then we see Theon swagger up to the seaside with a self-satisfied grin on his face as he's in his family's official armor as he looks out at his... one ship... he's been allotted, and then he sees his men, the crew of the *sniggers* Sea Bitch approaching, and starts to talk to them but they ignore him, and he yells at them that their captain commands them to stop and THEY JUST LAUGH AT HIM LMAO and one asks where they're headed, and he orders them to raid a certain village promising them riches and women if they do their jobs well, but this big fat guy walks up to him telling him "I have been reaving and raping since before you left Balon's balls, Captain" as the other men laugh at him, wow very edgy, and he starts talking shit about overthrowing Theon right to his face who doesn't say shit until he walks away and then Theon pathetically starts insisting he'd have him hung as a traitor but the fat man just laughs at him and, oh deary, Yara comes in and starts laughing "stop! we yield!" and all the men laugh with her, lmao, absolutely fucking AMOG'd you little beta, and Yara starts boasting about her 30 fleet ship, the loyalty of her men and his shitty crew that are obviously going to mutiny him, and Theon looks out at the laughing men bricking himself, but then his first mate Dagmer promises to look after him, and if I know my edgy tv shows this'll actually be the guy to betray him, and yeah, Theon calls it and says they sent him to throw him overboard, and the guy says they wont respect him until he proves himself, but he knows that wont happen raiding a "piss poor fishing village", and the first mate starts winding him up to raid the seat of the "House of Tallhart" whoever they are as a bigger prize than "a few fishermen's daughters", nice literal rape culture, but Theon's too big a pussy for the first mates subtle egging on games as he's scared the Starks would take it back, but then the penny drops that that's what the first mate intends, that they get to prove themselves by winning a battle against the Starks I guess
then in Tywin's meeting room he's speaking to his generals about the state of the war with Robb being far too good as Arya cuts some food for them with a rather big bread knife hmmm and one guy suggests they need some sleep and Tywin gets triggered and basically says he'd fucking kill him if he wasn't his cousin and tells him to fuck off back home to Lannisport, and as Arya is serving him he asks her where she's from and she lies Maidenport, but he can smell bullshit from a mile away and asks who the lords of Maidenport are, and without flinching Arya says "House Mooton" (uh, I feel a rap coming on) but when he asks their sigil she looks around nervously as she doesn't know, lmao shoulda paid more attention in class like Bran does you dumb bitch, and Tywin says its a red salmon and exposes her as a Northerner and asks her one more time where she's from, and she says Barrowtown this time and names their lords and their sigil as two crossed longaxes beneath a black crown, which Tywin can probably tell is a lie and she only said that because she knew that trivia and is trying to seem honest enough to not need to wait around for him to ask it to seem overly tryhard at being convincing or some such lying memery but he's seen all the best lying tricks all before so he just asks her what they think of Robb Stark up there and she says they say he's a werewolf lmao and that he cant be killed with a smile as she remembers her brave brother and Tywin catches her smile and asks if she believes them and when Tywin smiles to his men she says while trying to keep a straight face but giving him a little maddog now he's looking away "no, anyone can be killed" but Tywin starts staring at her like he can see right through her, maybe from the moment he chose her as a servant, and just tells her to fetch him water
then outside Arya is sneaking about avoiding some soldiers but she's caught by... the creeper guy from the prison transport, who's now dressed as a Lannister soldier, uh oh, and he says he always realized she was a girl in some pretentious flowery language, and she just edgily says she should have let him burn if he's a Lannister soldier, and he says some edgy shit about how when she saved him and his two companions she stole three deaths from The Red God and now they owe him... so she must speak three names for him to kill, and she looks at him like this has to be too good to be true but maybe a trick, so to test it she says that man who tortures everyone, and as if this prick has a fucking Death Note or something he says "a man needs a name" and she says they call him the Tickler, hilarious, but apparently he doesn't have a Death Note since that's enough for him, ok, I'm guessing this dude is not a real Lannister soldier and just stole a uniform or something and he's really some weirdo religious fanatic and that's why he was locked up in the first place, going about killing random people because he heard someones nan recovered from her bad fall
then in the snow area of the map a big caravan of Night's Watchmen have left the forest and are tracking through the snowy hillside and Jon talks to the commander that they're going to meet someone called "the Halfhand" who's one of the only people to survive out there alone, and Sam is prattling on about how Gilly would like it out there much to the annoyance of his mates, and then we see the soldiers digging in for the night ontop of a mountain, where I wouldn't want to dig into never mind sleep in case an avalanche sent me falling off lel, and Sam starts geeking out that they've found some "fist of the first men", some small standing stones of the kind that are all over the real Britian from tens of thousands of years ago (whats the oldest building in America? Trump tower?), and is amazed at how old they must be, before the Targaryans defeated the Andals, who I guess are their version of Angles, where the word Anglos comes from, and before the Andals took Westeros from the First Men, who I guess are their version of the oldest celtic tribes that used to be all over the UK before the wee cucks in England got conquered by invaders over and over again, and Sam asks what they think the first men were like, and his mate says stupid for ending up in a place like this, but Jon, who is staring off at some absolute kino landscape photography that looks like the clouds are fucking rearing up like massive monsters to come get them, and says "I think they were afraid... I think they came here to get away from something... and I don't think it worked"
which makes me think of what the world would be like if like the Neanderthals that there's some evidence preyed upon early Homo Sapiens were still alive, would there be more unity amongst us if we had some other sub-species to content with, but then I remember Abos are still around so I guess not, anyway then they hear a horn blasting and Jon says one blast is for rangers returning and two is for wildlings as they see a caravan of people making their way over the horizon as they stand there waiting to see if they hear a second, and Sam mentions well they do it three times for White Walkers even though it's been a thousand years and they all dismiss him for having read it in a book, hah, fucking NERD, fucking learning about important mission intel, loser! but then Jon sees that it's whoever this Halfhand person is, I guess it was one of their scouts blowing the horn or something and not them
then we see Tyrion in some cellar holding a glass of like ye olde nitro from Crash Bandicoot as some old crazy coot hunches over with a grin and rubs his hand like ye olde happy merchant tells him to take care because that stuff will melt anything and Tyrion says he once heard if you piss on wildfire your cock burns off and the old chemist says "I haven't conducted that experiment myself" lel and takes it off him carefully and Tyrion turns and gives a gurn to Bronn as if he's either pissed the guy handed him something so dangerous or maybe just doesn't believe he has the real thing there, and the old man starts saying after the dragons died wildfire was the key to the Targaryens power, which I think is a reference to how GRRM said he originally intended for the dragons to actually be fake and just a trick the Targaryens would play using pyrotechnics to make people believe they had dragons which I would have much preferred if all this magic shit was just basically ye olde magicians and mentalists bullshitting people for power which is probably where all these legends come from including religion lmao like Jesus was probably just good at slight of hand and had brainlets thinking he could multiply fish he had up his sleeve and we're still talking about him 2000 years later
and Bronn declares that he's seen too many old men claiming their jars of pigshit were magic and the old man takes offence and starts ranting that this is a real weapon and Bronn derides him saying even if this shit was real in an actual chaotic battle all these pots would be falling all over their own castle burning them down too as the old man takes them down into a catacomb and opens up a big volt door and shows them his massive shelf upon shelf of pots of this shit to the amazement of Tyrion, so far they have 7811 according to the old man, but Tyrion concurs with Bronn that this shit is too dangerous and orders him to stop making it for his sister... he's now making it for him! ok this is more of what I want, just fictional allegories for real world historical weapons, like this shit is probably inspired by the real-world ancient incendiary weapon "Greek fire" where they'd shoot some sort of extremely flammable liquid at enemy boats that would burn on even the water around them, more of this sort of stuff and less nanomachines please
then in the city that's name I forgot already that starts with a Q we see Dany with her handmaiden trying to train her dragon, yes just like the kids CG movie, that shes named Drakaros, to use his flames on command, which it struggles to ignite a chunk of meat she's given it, but once it gets it going it cooks it and then gobbles it down, and she decides he can feed himself now, don't know how she knows its sex but ok, and Dany tells her the dragon loves her as she puts it back in its cage and her other handmaiden actually looks jealous, I guess she wants the big dragon knot or whatever they have
and the black dude, who the girls claim is the richest man is Esos (the mainland continent I guess), gave her a dress apparently, but it reminds Dany of being sold to Aquaman, and the jealous handmaiden says in Dothraki some prayer to bless him, and Dany and the other handmaiden look at her condescendingly like they already forgot Dothraki culture lmao, and then Dany says to her friend that they should learn more about the black dude suggesting that men talk about other men when they're happy, I guess hinting her to go suck some dick and get a guy spilling the beans about him lmao, and she calls Dany a princess and the bitchy handmaiden snaps that she's a Khaleesi, and Dany looks at her like fucking dumb savage, wow got quite the toxic femininity up in this bitch, and she awkwardly says Dany should wear the dress as she's a guest and mopes off and then Dany smiles at being back in civilized society I guess, then we see Dany happy as can be in some lovely fancy gardens a group of rich twats are chatting in and she gives her friend a cheeky smile who's flirting with some men as she herself is talking to some woman gossiping about the night markets but then suddenly her face drops as she sees... a drunk Jorah arguing with two of the remaining Dothraki warriors about how to steal a golden swan statue lmao, and she orders them to leave it much to their disappointment and as one of them leaves a servant offers him a drink that he immediately pours out and steals the gold cup lmao and Dany says some dumb shit about how she'll be a better queen, yeah with your like 15 total subjects who barely respect you as is, ebin, and then a creepy as all fuck old skinny bald dude with blue lips who looks like he's got fucking AIDS comes up and shows her a gem... offering for her to look in it... until she can see herself... and maybe even multiple copies of herself... and then he looks over and sees A COPY OF HIMSELF ACROSS THE GARDEN that says "often more than once!" and he invites her to The House of the Undying and creepily walks off with his clone as the startled crowd claps thinking it's just a trick
that would have been an interesting scene to make you wonder how this guy pulled that off, if he has a twin, or he has someone in disguise as his quite unique appearance you could mistake someone else as from afar, or if he hypnotized Dany into seeing him and thinking everyone else saw him, or just paid off the crowd to react as if they saw him too as she was under his hypnosis or something, but now we've seen a fucking smoke monster assassinate a main character it's just fucking pointless since it probably is just real magic and there's no point in depicting it as mysterious since yeah, he's just a wizard lmao, ebin, then the fucking XXX black dude turns up and apologizes for Pyat Pree and explains he's one of the thirteen leaders of the city, and she asks what The House Of The Undying is, and he says it's where the warlocks go to squint at dusty books and drink "shade of the evening" which "turns their lips blue and their minds soft, so soft they actually believe their parlor tricks are magic" yeah what a cool new dichotomy to introduce after confirming dementors are real, ebinnnn, I think I'm so mad since all other supernatural shit was quarantined in the shit storylines with Dany and Jon anyway not effecting the good writing centred around Kingslanding lmao, anyway then some woman WEARING A FUCKING GIMP MASK appears behind Jorah and points out his affection for Dany, doxxes him, claims to be no one, and warns him to look after The Mother of Dragons since she gives birth to fire, which is power, right, ok, great
then back in Westeros in some forest by a river Brie is letting her horse rest as she talks to Cat about how that smoke monster looked like Stannis to her but Cat says it looked like... and hesitates as if it looked like someone else she knew, but then backtracks and says it just looked like a shadow in the shape of a man, as if this thing takes the shape of whoever you're scared of or think would kill that person or something and is different to each onlooker like some Bogart shit, and Cats plan is to report to Robb but then see her youngest kids, and Brie admits she never met her mother, and Cat says her own mother died on the birthing bed when she was very young assuming that's what happened to Brie, and says its a bloody business but what comes after is harder, but Brie's not interested in such womanly things and asks if after she's seen her son she'll give her leave, idk why she's acting like she's loyal to her and isn't just doing her favor escorting her, and Cat asks "to kill Stannis?" and Brie says "I swore a vow" still wanting to be the honerable knight, and Cat warns her against the odds but Brie claims she can take on all his men and laments how she only held him that one time when he was dying as if maybe she had a crush on him but Cat insists shes served her duty and there's no point following him into the earth and suggests to her that Robb's enemies were Renly's enemies too, and Cats quite the manipulator too because it gets Brie thinking... and then offers to serve her, since she seems to have "a woman's kind of courage" (aka enduring bullshit happening to them over and over again lmao) as long as she doesn't hold her back from killing Stannis, and Cat promises not to, so Brie plants her sword and swears to give her life defending Cats, I mean uh Cat's life, not the animal cats, which would be a very tumblr thing to do, and Cat gets teared up seeing how strong this woman is, and takes her hand and promises she'll always be welcome in her family and to never give her a task that would bring her dishonor (so not demand she eat her out or anything I guess), I really like Brie's character, she might be a dopey naive cow but at least she's the like only genuine person with no secret agenda in the whole story, or at least so it seems
and then in Winterfell Bran is in his shitty dark throne room with his teacher on one side and his little brother very edgily smashing wallnuts open on the other as some poor farmer drones on about thieves and wolves raiding his barnyard and his sons are all away at the war so he has no one to help, and Bran gives him two orphan boys as long as he looks after them which the man is grateful for, and Bran has to tell his angst little brother to stop pissing about smashing things right next to him as he's trying to be the king, interesting that now Bran is taking his role more seriously and the angst has passed on to his little brother, as if just Bran maturing has meant the little boy can't be an innocent child anymore, and Bran calls Hodor to take him riding but then the dude with the pigtail neckbeard comes rushing in telling him "Torrhen's Square is under siege" by we know who and the teacher is shocked to hear the Lannisters have gotten so far North and the pigtials dude says maybe they're mercs or god forbid The Mountain and Bran says they have to help them so pigtails says he can still gather 200 decent men to go save them, and the teacher asks if they need so many, probably scared no one will be left for them, but Bran tells him "if we cant defend our own bannermen why should they defend us?" and pigtails smiles as Bran is already a more decent king than most, but when he leaves Bran looks as nervous as his teacher
then outside Hodor is carrying Bran around as he argues about his three-eyed raven dreams with the wildling girl who gets hotter and hotter as the show goes on as her hair gets nicer and nicer lmao, and after some extreme Joss Whedon dialog where they banter back and fourth about who's the liar or not Bran confesses his latest dream was of the sea coming to Winterfell and talks some edgy shit about dead men floating here in the yard, including the pigtails guy, and Osha gets anxious and goes to leave and Bran can tell they know what the thee-eyed raven means north of The Wall but she wont spill the beans yet to keep this dumb plot going on even longer, interesting dream though I'm guessing this is going hand-in-hand with the "winter is coming" shit for the overall theme of climate change being a threat every nation has to deal with but that the most powerful think they can ignore, remember to vote Bernie 2020
speaking of north of The Wall we cut to the lads staring off into a snowing mountain range thinking they can see a fire, and they're worried Mance Rayder and his army of ALL the wildlings will get a warning that they're coming, and some dude, I guess this is Halfhand or whoever, is warning the commander that he'll be teaching them their modern battle tactics and how to assault The Wall, so in turn they need to become more savage and unpredictable like them, just sneak in, kill Mance and scatter them all again before they can march on The Wall, clever thinking, but first they need to get rid of those lookouts, and he calls over three other men to go with him on the mission, and Jon wants to go and brags about killing a "wight", but they bully him about being disarmed by an old man who fucks his daughters, but fat fuck Sam offers to take up Jon's duties, so Halfhand, I guess because he lost half his hand to frostbite lol, agrees to take him
and back in Qatar or whatever Triple X is asking Dany how long Jorah's been in love with her, and she awkwardly denies it, but he claims he can almost always tell what a man wants... but women are much more complicated, which I guess is true but not any insult or compliment to women it's just that men are fucking retards who want the same thing lmao
and he asks her what she wants, and she says to sail across the narrow sea and take the Iron Throne, and he asks why, and she says because I promised my kalazar I'd protect them and find a safe home with failing confidence as if this is the first time she's realized huh maybe staging a 15 man invasion of an entire country might not keep them safe you dozy cow, but she insists that its hers by right, and he sniggers that she considers herself a conqueror, and she accuses him of being the same just less ambitious, but she asks why he offered his blood for her, and he says let me show you why and he takes her away to BLACKED.COM, no he shows her the door to a vault made from veleryan steel that he's been paying locksmiths and thieves to attempt to break in but the only thing that can open it... is the key around his neck, and he offers her half... if she'll marry him! oh so it is BLACKED.COM, I thought he was going to ask her to wait for her dragons to grow up and then burn it down with their fire or something because they lost the key lmao, and he boasts about how his parents never even owned a pair of shoes but he became this rich from his own ambition and gives her the news that Robert Baratheon is dead, and she looks.... well a bit dopey since Emilia Clark cant act lmao but I think this is meant to be her eyes lighting up
and then later she argues with Jorah about how she can take Westeros right now (with all 15 of her people) because of all the infighting from the Four false Kings, guess they didn't get the news about Renly's little nanomachine problem, but Jorah cautions against getting into debt to these rich men, but she says if she listened to that advice outside the gates they'd all be dead and snaps at Jorah for speaking to her like she's a child and starts demanding to know what he really wants having let XXX get under her skin with his extremely obvious observation and Jorah starts spilling his heart out about how she would make such a good ruler because of her gentle heart which is so rare for someone with a claim to the throne and he says some real friendzone fedoralord shit with "there are times when I look at you and I still cant believe your real!" absolute cringecore my man and Dany reacts with shock as she realizes XXX was right and he is in love with her and then gets emotional as she isn't sure how to handle it and awkwardly looks away and Jora counsels her to just get one ship because the allies they need are in Westeros and not in Qatar and he cringily bows to her and leaves and she does that classic soap opera thing of gasping to herself after the man she had an awkward talk with storms off
then with Arya we see the blacksmith kid who's name I forgot again is being made to upkeep swords and he practices swinging one and Arya tells him to stand sideways because that presents a smaller target to your foe, a technique still used in modern day firearms training, as she's remembering her lessons from that flamboyant dude, and then they hear a woman shriek and go over to see guards tending to a body and talking about seeing where he fell from and they move away to reveal THE TICKLER WITH A FUCKED UP SNAPPED NECK and Arya looks up to see this edgy weird guy eating an apple and smiling smugly and he raises his finger to her to indicate that's #1 of 3 kills he owes her and she smiles realizing he is was for real and it wasn't a trick to get her to admit to wanting the Lannisters dead or something like that, inb4 it still is and he turns her into Twyin, not too fond of this guy since he seems like the kind of le quirky dashing rogue character you'd see in far less realistic fantasy fodder
Game of Thrones 2x06: "The Old Gods and the New"
you're no prince you faggot special edition
First aired: May 6, 2012
ok first scene is an old man, I think Bran's teacher I am pretty sure god forgive my internet addled memory and autism addled face blindness, rushing to write a message and put it on a crow he only just let loose as some soldiers kick down the door and accost him and he closes his eyes like hes getting ready to die, and then we cut to Theon barging into Bran's room and declaring IM TAKING YOUR CASTLE and Bran wakes up sleepily and is just like "uh Theon?" lmao and Theon raises his chin super proud and says "its PRINCE Theon now!" and Bran just rubs the sleep out of his eyes and Theon awkwardly says "I took Winterfell... I took it... I'm occupying it..... I sent men over the walls with grappling hooks...... to take it" holy shit what a cringemaster, and he keeps the cringe coming by unconvincingly saying he's a Greyjoy and can't fight for Rob and his father both while trying to pose dramatically looking out a window to impress a 10 year old boy, ah, ok, I just realized his first mates master ruse, it's not fighting the Stark forces at that town... its just distracting them so Winterfell is undefended, anyway Theon asks where Hodor is and Bran claims he doesn't know so he sends his man to find the halfwit and then tells Bran they're gathering everyone in the courtyard so he can say he's yielded Winterfell to him, but Bran refuses lmao, and Theon storms up to the foot of his bed and demands that he yields, but Bran just lifts himself up with the handle they've made for him to lift himself around bed and says calmly "no I wont, I'll never yield, we'll fight you and throw you out" and Theon sits on the bed like he can't believe he's getting maddogged by a fucking crippled 10 year old
and tries to explain nicely that the castle is mine but the people are still yours, and he'll yield to keep them alive, like its just a matter of fact that's what you have to do on both ends, and Bran looks sad as if he's realizing he's right, and Theon smiles thinking he's gotten through to him and tells him that's what a good Lord would do and goes to leave but Bran, realizing he has to fight with his words, asks Theon "did you hate us the whole time?" and Theon looks super hurt as this innocent little 10 year old boy stares into his soul, but as soon as Theon leaves Bran hardens up like it's whatever, then outside this weasley little fucking cuck is forcing Bran to tell everyone he's yielding Winterfell for Theon, who demands he say it louder and add PRINCE Theon, so he does while looking dejected as his little brother, teacher and Hodor look on sadly, and Theon starts to try and give a speech saying "you all know me as Theon" but then a large man comes forward interrupting him and yells "we know you FOR A STEAMING SACK OF SHIT" hahahah and Bran knows the best way this resolves for everyone is to just play along so tells Farlen to be silent, and Theon warns him to listen to his little lord, and Theon announces his father is king of the Iron Isles again and claims right to the rest of the North by conquest, but Farlen yells "bugger that! I serve the Starks!" but one of the squidboys bashes him on the back of the head with his club much to the amusement of the first mate
and Theon insists they need to be as loyal to him as to Ned Stark and orders the teacher to send a raven to his father declaring his victory and his sister to tell her to bring 500 men to Winterfell and the teacher just stands there as Theon yells at him but only agrees after a look from Bran, and then the qt wildling girl approaches calling him submissively and says "M'Lord Greyjoy", and Theon gets a smug grin on his face that she's "learned how to address your betters", and she offers to serve him personally... with a spear, but he doesn't trust her for shit so he's not a complete dolt and sends her on her way, and Bran asks her "why" as he can tell she actually meant it and she says she believes his dream would come true and wants to leave, and then the neckbeard pigtails dude gets dragged in by some squidboys having clearly been beaten and they say he took out two of their men before they got his sword and Theon says it grieves them that they meet as foes and the old fat neckbeard guy says AND IT GRIEVES ME YOU'VE LESS HONOR THAN A BACK ALLEY WHORE hahahahahahaha and shames him for betraying the people who raised him and Theon regurgitates his fathers brainwashing about how his brothers died fighting them and the neckbeard says yeah in a war your father started and Theon gets super triggered that he was never really Neds son, just a hostage, and the old man says he should have put a sword in his belly instead of his hand, and Theon says he served this house faithfully but if he keeps talking-and THE NECKBEARD DUDE SPITS IN HIS OPEN MOUTH AS HES TALKING!!! EWW!!!!!
and Theon recoils in disgust as his guards beat him and he orders them to take him to the cells, but his first mate tells him he cannot let that stand, he must pay... the iron price... and Theon isn't following until the first mate says they'll never respect him as long as the neckbeard lives, and then Theon's suddenly on board he's such an insecure little twat, and he looks around at Bran and his scared little brother but then sentences him to death, and Bran calls for mercy as he yielded and the teacher guy puts his hand on Theon's shoulder and tries to counsel him not to make a hasty decision and how this guy is valuable alive, and Theon thinks about it... but looks at his first mate who smiles to him, and Theon goes with the devil on his shoulder rather than the angel and orders them to kill him, and they drag the neckbeard dude over to the chopping block and he looks Theon straight in the eyes and says "the man who passes the sentence should swing the sword, coward!" and when Bran cries and begs for them to stop he just looks over and says "hush now child, I'm off to see your father" as Theon takes a sword to his neck and asks him "any last words old man?" as the rare score starts up and the rain starts pouring down and the guy just looks him in the eye again and says "Gods help you, Theon Greyjoy, now you are truly lost", and Theon looks at him like hes a shook pussy but then THEON SWINGS THE SWORD INTO THE OLD MANS NECK
BUT IS UNABLE TO CUT ALL THE WAY THROUGH SINCE HES SUCH A BETA, AND HAS TO HACK AGAIN AND AGAIN UNTIL HE HAS TO KICK THE HEAD TO GET IT OFF LMAO EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 28
and he looks around super adrenalin dumped with blood all over his face like he's forgotten where he is as Bran cries his eyes out in the background, very unbased & traitorpilled but if I know my edgy tv show he sure as fuck gets his comeuppance
then beyond The Wall Jon and Halfhand and the 3 men are walking through the hills as they discuss his direwolf ghost having a mind of his own like the wildlings they're hunting and he warns Jon the second he thinks he knows this place it'll kill him and they're fighting a war against the North itself, and Jon says some poetic shit about how he'd gladly give his life for the Watch, but Halfhand yells at him he wants him to curse and fight for his life but then says his own poetic shit about how his death will be a gift to those south of the Wall who he died for even though they wont know his name which is like some propaganda they tell kids going over to Iraq to get blown up that they le died for your le freedom in a completely unconnected conflict, and Jon looks completely gormless at him and he says "you're stupider than you look" lmao and admits that's all just "nice words to keep you warmer at night" so he was just winding him up and it's all pointless kek and as if to drive home the US soldiers deployed abroad theme more he says "we've gotta find these GOAT FUCKERS before night falls and they find us"
then back with Arya serving Tywin at his important meetings he is grilling some poor guy demanding to know if he can read or not who just sits there like a beta because there's been a mix-up where a letter was sent to the wrong house that's loyal to the Starks, ah ye olde sending an email to the wrong person, awkward! and Tywin can't even be bothered to threaten the guy for endangering his son so just does the "leave us!" meme, this dudes going to be running out of advisers soon, and he jokes that since Arya could pick out the relevant books on the matter that she should devise our next battle plan, I guess this is all to show that Tywin is such an alienated and harsh man who doesn't even have generals he can respect but he has a soft spot for Arya since he can tell how resourceful and driven she is despite her lowly circumstances, which could seem like bit of the ol characterwank but I think Arya's "earned" it so far by basically just struggling to stay afloat in a shit situation since last season rather than obviously having protagonist plot armor like Jon and Dany that people unbelievably respect at first meeting, but Arya bricks it when a guard announces to Tywin that his next guest is... LORD PETER BAELISH, aka CIA, and Arya tries to awkwardly leave but Tywin orders her to clean his meeting table as he clears his generals out and CIA comes in and Tywin, possibly knowing the full extent of Arya's predicament and is just testing her or some shit, offers him wine that she is forced to serve and she tries pouring it on the table from behind him, which she should have really just poured before putting the cup down and leaving quickly, as they discuss Renly's "rather short reign", with Tywin hearing it was a woman, but CIA says there's talk of... "Dark Forces" at play, what, the jews?
and as Arya almost manages to get away unseen Tywin stops her for a refill that she awkwardly gives while facing away from CIA and Tywin dismisses the rumors that "men love to blame demons when their plans fail" and CIA smugly says chaos is an opportunity to seize and Tywin, who has little respect for a slimy backstabber like CIA, says "you say that as if you were the first man alive to think it, what other brilliant insights have you brought me today?" lol rekt you pretentious fuck and CIA looks butthurt at a more masculine highborn man brushing off his intelligence, as if Tywin can just naturally say the most hurtful thing to each person because he's already looking down upon and being disgusted by the personal flaws of everyone else around him at all times anyway, and CIAs angle is that the Tyrelles are the third biggest land owners, which means the third biggest resources and recruits for war, which Tywin of course already knows and just goes "yes yes yes" to get him to the point and CIA says they haven't declared for either surviving King but Loras wants revenge on Stannis and Margery- but Tywin already knows, she wants to be queen, and CIA agrees looking smug as if he hopes he doesn't know that she wants to be THE queen herself and not just the kings wife so he can have one little bit of intel he doesn't, but Tywin points out that the Tyrelles also rebelled against his grandson, which leaves a rather obvious remaining third option for them to side with, but CIA proposes putting that issue to the side to get them to support them, and Tywin stares at CIA like he's already well aware he's only proposing this because it benefits him somehow and his only calculation is if it's to fuck him over or is mutually beneficial to him, and calls for more wine from Arya, which causes CIA to catch a glimpse of Arya, I forget, has CIA even seen Arya before lmao, I need a fucking chart to see what characters met what other characters, and Arya gets so shook at the mention of defeating her brother she accidentally spills CIAs wine, and Tywin gives a little murmur to himself as if that confirms his suspicions of his reading of the situation such he's such a perceptive man, possibly because of his own seemingly extremely high confidence he doesn't have any insecurities that might get in the way of reading other people (hard to fully know others when you're uncomfortable knowing yourself) like all the other intelligent characters have which is what makes him so compelling to watch despite what a ruthless evil cunt he is, and CIA just says "its only wine" as he tries to get a good look at Arya wiping it up but Tywin distracts him by saying he'll have his answer by nightfall and dismisses Arya just as CIA is about to clock her but he can tell there's something suspicious about her and maybe testing out a theory as to who she is CIA drops that he's recently met with Cat at the direction of his son concerning her daughters, but just as it's getting good we cut away without seeing if Arya heard that or if CIA or Tywin have their suspicions
to boring central with Jon lurking about behind a roc with his sword out ready to ambush some dudes sitting around the fire and when Halfhand gives the lads a nod and THEIR DUDE WITH A BOW SHOOTS ONE OF THE CAMPERS AND EVERYONE RUNS IN AND KILLS EVERYONE IN A BIG FIGHT AND JON CHASES DOWN ONE GOING FOR AN AXE AND... ITS A CUTE GIRL!
very wow much twist even though we've seen female wildlings before and obviously these people have women and kids up there, and Halfhand says there's no point sparing her as wildlings would rather bite off their tongue than give up info but this woman seems suspiciously well kept and suspiciously well spoken as she introduces herself as Ygritte and requests that her comrades be given a funeral pyre but Halfhand calls her out on wanting something to signal her friends in the area but she claims it's in case the dead come back as White Walkers and we dont know what causes them to turn yet maybe it could be anyone who dies up there like in The Walking Dead rules, and she clams up when Halfhand asks if they're planning to march on The Wall so he kneels down next to her and holds her cheek and asks with as much vulnerability he can must if her people captured him... would they take him prisoner... but she admits they'd behead him if they were feeling kind lis, and Halfhand just sighs and says they cant spare the food on her and cant let her go or she'd bring Mance's army on them so they need to kill her but before he can bloody his sword again Jon offers to do it, and Halfhand, like every other father figure in the show, for some reason cares about Jon having this moment of character development for himself, so leaves him alone to do the deed, when if Jon didn't have plot armor the guy would obviously not let a dude who obviously isn't sure of his conviction alone with her because there's obviously a risk he'd let her go or get rused and disarmed by her but here we are, and she realizes Jon's never killed a woman before and offers him to defect to Mance but Jon won't so she just bends over and offers her neck knowing he's too much of a forced protagonist good guy to do it and the woman starts piling the pressure onto him asking for a funeral pyre, threatening to haunt him if he doesn't do it clean, complaining of the cold of the blade, faffing about moving her hood out the way, using his full name, insisting that he get it over with quick, all just little things to get under his skin, and it has its desired effect as he does the dramatic thing no one would ever do IRL where he swings the sword down but against the rock, so she does some unconvincing move where she grabs his pant leg and pulls so hard it throws him off his feet somehow and legs it and Jon runs after her but she's jumping down the slippery jagged rocks she's used to traversing way faster than he can and he awkwardly clambers down do give chase but she's outpacing him easily so he just slides down the hill shes making her way down like this is fucking Apex Legends right into her to catch her and holds a knife to her but she tells him they both know he cant do it and points out that he's now lost, which was probably her intention, although pretty retarded since they're in the wide open mountains and he could just retrace their snowprints if he had to lul, and it seems like shes trying to trick him into calling out loudly so her people will catch him but he's not that dumb, ok very typical adventure story shenanigans that's obviously going to lead to a forced and dull Romeo and Juliet storyline of a romance between a Nights Watchmen and their enemy a suspiciously presentable Wildling woman, only thing that saves the Jon scenes is the cinematography for the mountain ranges is incredible so you can at least look at beautiful vistas as Jon stares slack jawed at people who suddenly become possessed by the sole function of leading him by the hand through his heroes journey
then at Kingslanding we see the young Mercyelle or whatever the youngest princess is called sniffling to herself upset as a fancy rowbot takes her away to a ship to take her to safety as Cersei and Tyrion look on and some priest guy does a prayer that goes "may the Mother give her health, may he Crone give her wisdom, may the Warrior give her courage" which is our first exposition on what the Seven actually are, but from what I've picked up from being forced to read about this shit on 4chan for years on end there's the Maiden, Mother, Crone, probably based on the three goddesses from wicca/pagan traditions that deify the three distinct sections of a woman's life cycle (girlhood when not yet fertile, womanhood when you can give life and post-menopause woman who can still spread their memes), the Warrior, Father and Smith, inspired by the Christian conception of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, which has never made any fucking sense to me tbqh, like, well, it's a fucking funny name, I guess a less retarded name is The Holy Spirit™, and I follow the idea of Jesus being God coming to Earth as a mortal man (although still with some of his admin privileges turned on so it's kind of cheating) in the form of his son to give his life for us (although that's also fucking retarded, what value does fucking God LARPing as a human have when obviously if his OC dies or stays dead is completely up to him? wouldn't it be less retarded to not have Jesus be God's alt account but have him be a demi-god like in less retarded pantheon religions? wouldn't that make more narrative sense that he genuinely was half-human but could still represent divinity? Jesus was a Mary Sue with plot armor is what I'm saying, shit book 3/10 for the bible), but what the fuck is the Holy Ghost, why is feeling love and salvation from God a separate thing? surely that's just part, and seemingly the most important part, of God? no one ever fucking mentions it so it's as pointless as it seems from the outside, a non-pointless Holy trinity would be The Father, The Son and The Mother, since Catholics pretty much already worship Mary anyway and that family unit is actually applicable to every day life unlike a fucking ghost or whatever, but I guess that would be edging a bit too close to gender equality for the (((Abrahamic))) religions, and the Seventh deity is the genderless (very progressive) Stranger who represents Death that every culture has some reference to, and I think the angle is the Seven are all different aspects of one God like the Holy Trinity shit so it's technically monotheistic, or maybe like how Christianity has that dumb Holy Trinity shit it's kind of a cultural evolution of trying to transition the polytheistic religions at the time into Judisms monotheism, and I guess all that shit was too confusing for Mohammad and he was just like no God didn't have a son are you people retarded, and that's kind of in this world going from the Old Gods plural, to the Seven representing one God to just one God and people go on about how there's just one and he's a fire god or whatever the Red Lady goes on about, fuck all religions
anyway Cersei deploys her dysfunctional coping mechanism to deal with her daughter having to be taken away by just being a cunt to Tyrion and saying "one day I pray you love someone, I pray you love her so much, when you close your eyes you see her face, I want that for you, I want you to know what its like to love someone, to truly love someone... before I take her from you" wow edgy, and Tyrion just turns to his sister and glares at her like fine, let's hate each other, fine by me, and marches off, and the youngest prince is crying as Joffrey calls him a little cat, I guess they didn't invent the word pussy yet, in disgust at a prince crying, but Sansa, I guess testing the waters a bit in the emotionally abusing her husband arena, says she saw him cry, and Joffrey just snaps in annoyance "I'm sorry did you say something m'lady?" with his incel rage, and Sansa does a bit more testing by telling him it's normal to cry, her little brother cried when his family was leaving Winterfell, but Joffrey just snaps "so? is your little brother a prince? not really relevant then is it?" and sulks off, calling The Hound a dog, who allows himself a little sneer at him when no one's looking, and Joffrey is escorted back inside the city by his guards and some commoners are waiting for him and start sarcastically jeering "all hail the king" and some are brave enough to start yelling murderer! bastard! at him oh shit, and some people are yelling for food, but all Joffrey reacts to is being called a bastard as he looks around confused as if he's only just realizing people wont automatically love him just for being King like he's been told all his life, and when they see Tyrion they yell FREAK at him and he can sense the atmosphere and warns the guards to take the youngest boy to the keep, and SOMEONE THROWS COWSHIT AT JOFFREYS FACE LMAO!!!
and he screeches to find whoever threw that and the guards struggle to hold back the angry crowd and The Hound puts his hand on his shoulders to stop Joffrey getting too close and things start getting ugly as the crowd grab at the guards and Joffrey orders to just kill them all and the crowd immediately starts beating the shit out of the guards swarming and stamping on them as they try to slash at them to keep them back and the guards try to escort Cersei and the girls out and The Hound grabs Joffrey who starts squealing for him to leave him alone and execute those people but they have no exits as the this riot kicks off all around them and is closing in and Tyrion sees their fat preist being dragged into the crowd and screaming in terror as THE CROWD TEARS HIM APART LIKE ZOMBIES, RIPPING HIS ARM CLEAN OFF, STILL HOLDING HIS INCENSE THING ok thats gonna be a big ol EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 29 from me fam since I am pretty sure there's not possible and you'd have to like twist someones arm back and fourth over and over again to be able to yank it straight off and is like some dumb shit from an old Peter Jackson splatterhouse movie
and Tyrion realizes he needs to protect Sansa as getting her on his side is going to be one of his best power plays and The Hound starts snarling like a, well, dog, as the crowd closes in and a guard slashes a commoner across the cheek and orders his men to protect the king and all the surviving guards form around Joffrey to escort him up the stairs and The Hound starts hacking into people like a mad cunt and they just barely get Cersei in behind him before they close the gate and Sansa finds herself surrounded by men who start to recognize her and they chase her down an alleyway giving the universal malicious chortle that indicates It's Bitch Raping Time and inside a building Joffrey is having a meltdown from actually encountering a real problem for the first time in his life ranting about how he'll kill them all and Tyrion says to his face that he's a vicious idiot and Joffrey screams at him that he cant talk to him like that and that they attacked him and Tyrion says its his fault for ordering their deaths, in Joffrey's defence they were clearly getting violent before he said that #CityGuardLivesMatter, and when Tyrion tries to tell Joffrey they're starving because of a war he started ne just hollars YOU'RE TALKING TO A KING!! REEEEEEEEE!!! like a toddler having a tanty TYRION SLAPS JOFFREY
but oddly enough third time isnt a charm for child abuse as Joffrey tells them to just leave Sansa lmao but Tyrion snarls that without her they'll never get Jaime back and "you owe him quite a bit you know" and Joffrey sits there fuming that his other uncle clearly believes the rumors about his unclefather and then we see Sansa running around some storage area and she tries to slap one of the men but he just slaps her back so hard she gets decked and they tear her dress open and jump ontop of her and one asks YOU EVER BEEN FUCKED, LITTLE GIRL?
and we see Tyrion ordering some men to go find her but he refuses because he only takes his orders from the king and Joffrey just storms off and we get a lovely graphic rape scene as one of the men pins Sansa down, another two hold her legs open and the fourth starts getting his pants down as she begs for mercy but then SOMEONE EFFORTLESSLY LIFTS THE RAPIST OFF THE GROUND AND HE'S LIKE N-NANI?
AND... THE HOUND SLITS HIS STOMACH OPEN SPILLING HIS INTESTINES EVERYWHERE
GRABS ANOTHER AND STABS HIM IN THE BACK, AND GRABS THE THIRD WHO'S THE ONE BEGGING FOR MERCY NOW AS HE SLITS HIS THROAT
and The Hound composes himself before turning to Sansa so she doesn't see his intense killing face and tells her she's alright now, helps her up, and carries her out on her back, leaving the fourth attempted rapist cowering in the corner, and speaking of rape outside we see the crowd has turned on itself and it's just a huge riot now with men pulling a woman's shirt off to expose her breasts and people beating the shit out of each other and The Hound marches through almost unnoticed to bring Sansa to the others and tells them "take the little bird back to her cage" as if he's not even kidding himself her life's back to happy and when Tyrion says "well done Clegene" he seem to take offence at being called his shitty family's last name and growls "I didn't do it for you" and storms off as Tyrion looks confused, I guess it's just that he hates bullies who prey on people weaker than them like his brother but that's too much of a sympathetic motivation for Tyrion who just assumes people only help others when expecting favors in return from them or their family, you know what I'm actually surprised she didn't get raped there since there'd be le realisms bitch thing to happen and from the outside this show seemed to have a lot more rape, I mean someone mentions rape like every second sentence but only actual on-screen rape so far has been Dany in the first or second episode which most rape culture saturated audience members might not even see as such, hopefully we get more so I have something to meme about
then speaking of rape Dany is along with a big black man waiting for The Spice King who's the second wealthiest man in Qarth and he starts nagging her to marry him, the first wealthiest man in Qarth, but Dany still has the ol stockholm syndrome for Aquaman, which I think I already discussed how that would be realistic since people who have are forced to pretend to like someone or even some government end up just actually liking it since it's easier than living with the tension and paranoia and guilt most normal people feel from lying for extensive periods of time and they end up devoted to someone they only started out pretending to like for survival but I think this retarded show is meant to have us like a serial rapist mass murderer as le cool and badass manly man who le based and unapologetic for his lifestyle but also his le love for his le wife and we're meant to respect Dany for... accustoming herself to their (horrible) culture and affirming herself as queen? even though she never really did shit and no one barely listened to her? and it's all been for nothing other than the contrivance of her having those dragon eggs? idk this whole Dothraki storyline has been dogshit from day one but at least it made some sense she was in the special position of the king's wife but now she's just in full blown Mary Sue territory what with coincidentally being The Mother of Dragons everyone somehow already knows about, and this black guy tries chatting her up but Dany says she wont fall for it and this r/redpilled motherfucker says "I have travelled far and wide and never met a woman immune to flattery" and then ah yes the fat man arrives talking all dramatically about how he had terrible dreams keeping him awake and tells Dany how beautiful she is and Dany looks up at him in complete disgust lmao yeah that's how I feel watching your storyline too
and he keeps prattling on about how she's so gorgeous and too good for XXX who banters back about how his grandfather wasn't so highbron either and Dany looks like shes itching to take a piss or something and snaps at him he cant give her what she wants and the spiceman is like "ooh she has a penchant for drama!" can say that again mate and Dany obnoxiously declares that what she wants is "THE SEVEN KINGDOMS OF WESTEROS, MY BIRTH RIGHT!" since her father was the Mad King they all speak about even though they've never addressed that openly so Dany feels extremely disconnected from the main story especially when others talk about the Tygerian children being murdered which could have just been other other siblings or maybe there's some dumb twist where they lied to the public that they had killed Dany and her brother and no one knows if they're still alive idk since Dany seems like a complete sheltered dolt and not like someone who you'd think would be a bit more world weary or street smart or fucked in the head or just not... her... if her father was a schizophrenic mass murderer king and she demands ships from him and this fat guy condescendingly tries to tell her he needs his ships for taking spices from one place to another and calls her out for being unable to pay him back but she claims there's many in Westeros who support her claim and he just points to her and goes "when were you there last?" as if trying to explain to a 8 year old why she can't go to McDonalds every day
and she starts ranting about how the people will rise to support their rightful queen and the spicefat says he cant make an investment based on wishes and dreams and goes to leave but Dany's asks him if he knows a certain magistrate guy and when he says yes Dany goes on this big cringy impassioned rant about how he gave her petrified dragon eggs and she had a dream she could hatch them and only she could walk into the fire with them unharmed and hatch them because she's The Mother Of Dragons™ as her eyebrows are going fucking apeshit wagging up and down like caterpillars trying to climb up her forehead sideways
the spice king stares at her in amusement as if he's almost breaking character from seeing by far the worst fucking performance on the show with this woman looking like she's taking a really big shit as she tries to emote something along the lines of intense confidence and Dany marches up to him and asks "do you understand?" as if this tiny womanlet all alone in a strange city can intimidate him and he just looks bemused like "wait... is that take seriously going in the final edit?"
and she tells him "I'm no ordinary woman... my dreams... come true" wow very cool and epic story element that has not been fucking introduced before, it's Bran who has the prophetic dreams, I don't think we've had any dream sequence from Dany at all, she just suddenly wandered into the fire like an autistic retard, this feels like its referring to a deleted scene or something, what the absolute FUCK is going on in this scene, she is literally making herself look LESS competent to pay this dude back, and the black dude looks at the spiceking like "don't look at me, white bitches be crazy"
the spiceking literally does the "facts don't care about your feelings" Ben Shapiro meme by saying "in business I trust in logic, not passion, I'm sorry little princess" and Dany has an absolute tanty and literally follows him as he tries to leave up the stairs like a belligerent weirdo on New York City public transport ranting about how "I am not your little princess! I am Daenerys Targaryen, stormborn of the blood of old Valaria! and I will take what is mine! with fire AND blood I will take it!" is this woman fucking bipolar or something and without even turning around as he walks back up the stairs the spiceking tells her "yes m'lady, but not with my ships" lmao, what a god awful scene, it literally makes zero sense for her character to be that motivated since this is entirely her delusional narcissist spoiled toff brothers dream she should be averse to because she hated him, and the only reason she tried to become le empowered was to avoid being so painfully raped by the barbarian warlord she was sold to, now that he's dead she should only be interested in her survival that she struggles for with her le feminine wiles or whatever her character is set up to be like and if they want her to have some empowering task just leave it at looking after whats left of Aquamans people, her characterization of being even more of an entitled megalomaniacal conqueror than her shithead brother is absolutely bizarre and makes her seem actively psychotic that she thinks she can manage this when having like 20 braindead savages loyal to her, I get that Emilie here and the writers and probably GRRM are going for that she's le empowred and driven woman trying to manifest her will with determination or something but it's so obviously unbelievable, contrived, forced and cringy from the performance to the plot that she just comes across like she needs medicated or something, but hats off to them for making the Dany storyline even worse than the boring and pointless Conan the Barbarian fanfiction
then thank fucking god we are back in Westeros with Arya cleaning up the one set Tywin is ever seen in and she sneaks a peak at a letter he has on his desk about Robb but he catches her and asks "who taught you how to read?" and she whimpers "my father" and then we get some odd development where Tywin talks about how when Jaime was learning how to read his Maestro told him that he was having trouble with reading letters because "he reversed them in his head", so Jaime has dyslexia? uh ok, getting ready for some extreme edge where Tywin rapes him everytime he fails to read or something, and Tywin says "the Maestro said he'd heard of this affliction and that we simply must accept it, Ha! after that I sat Jaime down for four hours every day until he learned, he hated me for it, for a time, for a long time, but he learned" and he tells this entire story with a smile as if he's proud of improving his son even if it was tough, just like how he had Tyrion's wife get gangbanged to try and toughen him up and learn not to fall for seductions, obviously it ruined Tyrion's life to this day but to Tywin being more callous and untrustworthy like him is an improve since he sees, probably accurately, that his ruthless detached nature is what makes him so successful in this environment, but still at the end there is a great part of his performance where he makes a noise like "hmm" as if even to him there's at least a subconscious doubt if it's all worth it, since he probably knows all too well how extremely fucked in the head his kids are, and he asks if Arya's father is still alive, and when she doesn't answer fast enough he realizes he dead and asks "who was he?" and she quickly thinks of a lie and says "a stonemason" and he doesn't seem to believe it and is like "a stonemason who could read?" and then asks "what killed him" and there's a good take from Maisie Williams here where she lets herself say "loyalty" with just a tiny glint of a proud look on her face like her dad is still her hero, and Tywin looks at her with a glint in his eye as she call tell what she just did, telling a truth she's emotionally invested in to better sell her lie, and he says "you're a sharp little thing, aren't you?" and she just tries to look innocently at him but as he turns away she asks "did-" and he instantly snaps back around and she gets shoot and says "sorry my lord I shouldn't ask questions" but he smiles and says "no, but you've already begun" and she asks, trying to better understand the man who wants to kill her entire family, "did you know your father, my lord?" and he nods and says "I did, I grew up with him, I watched him grow old, he loved us, he was a good man, but a weak man, a weak man who nearly destroyed our house and name" and while Tywin wanders to his chair lost in reminiscing Arya, oh shit, steals the letter about Robb, and it's interesting that, from Tywin's perspective at least, his dad wasn't a harsher bastard than even he was like most characters like this use to excuse how they treat their own kids, but was too much of a soft cunt, so he probably purposefully tried to make himself the way he is in response to that, and probably did to himself what he's done to his kids, and then as if thinking about his childhood had this effect on me he says "I'm cold" almost vulnerably and Arya says she'll go get firewood
then outside in the ruins we see Arya reading the letter and oh god its in cursive it says uhhh their armies will meet by the end of the week or something and Arya is like uh oh
and goes running around with the letter in her hand like a fucking moron and bumps straight into some commander guy who takes it off of her and Arya claims Tywin gave it to her but he doesn't believe her and goes to grab her and ARYA LEGS IT rushing through the crowd of guards, and due to being a fucking moron the guard chasing her doesn't just yell to his men "grab that child!" he just barges past them yelling to get out the way and when he gets around the corner she's slipped away aka hid around one more corner one meter away he's too lazy to check and then she sees this guy searching for her so runs off looking for her personal Death Note, grabbing another guy with long brown hair at mistake at first, but then finds the edgy dude and tells him "Amory Loch!" I guess that's the guys name and he says some pretentious shit about "a girl has named a second name, a man will do what must be done" with a cheeky grin, god this guys annoying, and Arya screams NOW! at him and the guy recoils like jesus christ I'm trying to be charming here don't be mean and tells her some pretentious shit about how a man cant do something until the right time but she just yells at him that he's going to tell Tywin now and he sighs and gives in, what a weird fucking storyline, just tell him to kill Tywin too and your family will win the war easily with Joffrey leading it lmao
and then we cut to a hilarious scene where Amory opens the door to Tywins office and he turns around expecting news but Amory immediately drops dead with a poisoned blowdart in his neck like this is a Hitman game or something where you have to rush around killing guards before they can grass you up, and Tywin yells for his guard and looks curiously at him like this is quite an interesting turn of events why would someone with this skill right outside his door assassinate this dipshit and not him, why indeed Arya you fucking moron, but I guess she figures Tywin being there and speaking sense is the only thing keeping her and Gentry from getting tortured to death so is keeping him around for her own survivals sake, even though she could probably easily escape with him and even the fat kid with her amazing stealth skills
then we see Robb walking through his army as they greet him with respect until he interacts with them showing respect back in that way that main characters interact with extras who they aren't paying to have lines like just smiling at them without saying anything or picking up their helmet and admiring it before giving it back until he sees that nurse who talked shit to him before called Talisa and accosts her as she's clearly working taking notes in a book and starts chatting her up saying she's clearly from noble birth and they flirt a bit back and fourth where she tries to deny it but he can tell and then he joshes her about being a spy and she joshes him back pretending to admit it, which if I know my Breaking Bad means she is actually a spy lmao, and pretends what she was writing was a report to the Lannisters, and Robb offers for her to join him, but before he can finish awkwardly his mother appears and he awkwardly introduces them and Cat is immediately suspicious of anyone trying to romance her children and asks her politely about her family and she answers but then makes an excuse to leave and Cat just looks up at Robb like hmm but then she reminds him that they already promised he'd marry that weird bridge guys daughter much to Robb's displeasure and then they're interrupted by a messenger with news from Winterfell, uh oh
then back with retard dipshit Jon who's managed to get lost running 10 meters down a hill is wandering around with the wildling redhead girl who's name I'll never remember and she taunts him about his brothers deserting him and how she could tell him where to go but he just starts tying her up in some kinky bondage and she starts trying to bait him into following her directions to shelter, starting a fire or... huddling for warmth with her, and that's what gets him and he tries to resist but ends up laying down next to her and angrily putting his arm around her and holding her close and she gives a cheeky look and starts needling him about if his men are looking for him and how he's stupid but brave and then she smiles as if she's glad she's stuck with such a pushover and starts... grinding her ass against his crotch lmao, but little does she know Jon is a level 4 MGTOW who wants to live with other men for the rest of his life and hisses at her to stop it and she gives it a rest for a second but keeps doing it again and Jon huffs and finally closes his eyes, based Jon turning down the roastie thot, further continuing the theme that the most powerful men in the story are adult virgins: Jon has his MGTOW vows to the Watch and wont fuck women from fear of getting them pregnant, CIA is a beta orbiter friendzdoned by his oneitis, Varys has obtained his wizard powers by doing life-long nofap, Tywin is a redpilled alpha who knows women are worthless whores who deserve to be raped and Joffrey is a militant incel on a nation wide beta uprising who would rather beat women than fuck them from his severe mommy issues, the only virgin male who isn't empowered is Sam and that's because is an obese neckbeard who'd wear a fedora if they were invented yet who still hasn't taken the redpill and thinks he can get a gf by being a nice guy but is being cucked by the girls own Chad father
then we see Robb and Cat reading Theon's letter from the teacher guy about Winterfell and Robb is heartbroken his best friend would betray him but the commander guy says "the Greyjoys are treasonous whores" rofllll and Cat paces around in anxiety as he has no news on the boys but hearing the pigtails neckbeard guy got iced sets her off yelling at Robb she said not to trust a Greyjoy, and Robb starts ranting about how he needs to go North to kill Theon but the commander guy tells him he'll have his bastard in the Dreadfort get a few hundred men to retake Winterfell from Theon's skeleton crew within the month but he has to stay here since they have the Lannisters on the run, which Robb accepts but insists they bring him Theon so he can behead him himself
then we cut to Theon getting drink as the wildling girl is looking edgy and unhinged at him but asking him to be able to serve him again and he refuses to trust her but after she just says it another two times with a different inflection each time like trying to get a dogs attention Theon catches on she means le benis in bagina and asks what could her people know "how to eat dirt" and grins at her like a retard at his amazing 80 IQ joke and she says "other things..... savage things" and takes her top off showing her tits while the actress does her best deadeyed blankfaced Aubrey Plaza impersionation and Theon goes wide eyed and starts breathing heavy as he's immediately entranced and then the dumbass sends his guard outside as he bites into his apple all riled up, see this is why Theon is the most pathetic coward in the show, he's the male character who has the most sex, and thus has his masculine essence stolen by roastie thots, he is ignorant to the ways of the enlightened adult virgin and the wildling girl drops her dress, revealing a suspiciously healthy, suspiciously unmarked, suspiciously clean and suspiciously groomed body hair to modern standards for a woman who's lived in a forest all her life and only worked as a slave in a medieval castle for a few months and by suspiciously I mean it's stupid bullshit for Americans to jerk off to on TV, not that I think it's part of the plot like how Jon's new redhead love interest is obviously going to turn out to be someone from south of The Wall who's gone North as part of some elaborate mystery like being the traitor guys daughter or something
and she covers her tits and says "it comes at a price" and Theon chuckles and says "I'm not killing you that's your price" um excuse me that's rape culture but she coyly says "I've already had that" and so Theon, not being a complete bastard to just overpower her, asks "whatdaya want then? other than your miserable life?" and she says "what all free people want, me freedom" and reveals her tits again and Theon, having the mind of a chihuahua in heat, cant think straight enough to turn her down, swallows hard as he goes lightheaded from arousal, and tells her "well you shall have it then... but only if you serve me well", obviously this woman can not exactly give informed consent freely here as she's bargaining not to be a fucking slave anymore to a guy who could kill her whenever he wants but I wont chalk this up as a rape since then every sex scene in this shows context could be considered a rape scene and I hate women so there
then speaking of women getting what they deserve we see Tyrion's cag dabbing on Sansa, no not like that, on her bloody eyebrow, and Sansa tells her how she saw it in the man who hit hers eyes that he hated her, "he never met me before but he wanted to hurt me" yeah welcome to being a woman, and the cag explains "you are everyting he will never have, your horse eats better than his children" interesting and accurate she's going for a class resentment angle and not the incel rage that he cant get a girl that looks like that or, dare I say it, female privilege of being doted on, although it seems like The Hound is an uglycel so maybe that's why he could beat him, his incel rage was stronger, and Sansa starts whining that she'd give them bread if she had it and that she hates the king more than any of them and the cag tries to remind her not to say that in case the wrong people hear her, but Sansa says shes not the wrong people, but the cag tells her "don't trust anybody, life is safer that way"
and to prove her point we see Theon asleep naked in bed and.... the wildling girl rising up from the darkness beside him and she slinks out of bed and goes slithering away out the room (just stab him right then and there you dopy cow)
and then we see her sneaking around outside with her robe back on when a guard catches her and like a male player having a bit too much fun playing as a female character in a DnD game she tells the guard who caught her that she's a gift from Theon to him and all the other guards and this dumb retard falls for it and lets her straddle his lap and make out with him but then SHE SLITS HIS THROAT WITH A KNIFE SHE HAD UP HER SLEEVE
and then she whistles a signal and HODOR, BRAN, HIS BROTHER AND THEIR TWO DIREWOLVES SNEAK OUT heeheehee very nice, other than there was no reason for her to fuck Theon to be able to do that at all lmao and shoulda just killed him too
then back in retardland Dany is whining to this poor black dude (who looks like he's regretting his offer to marry her lmao) about how the spice king not investing in her, the silk king also turning her down because he does business with the Lannisters, and the copper king only has a single ship... if she'll fuck him lmao, but she refuses to whore herself for a boat, and xXx tells her when he first came to this city he had nothing but built himself up to the richest man and that path was not always honearble but he has no regrets because he made it, this fucking cuck is telling his would-be wife to go fuck another man for 1 boat lmao, and then he opens a gate to the garden they're walking to and they find THERE'S DEAD DUDES EVERYWHERE and at first I thought these were like Dany's remaining soldiers that this black dude was saying he had no regrets because he was the one who had them killed and was about to tell her she has no choice to marry him or something but he runs off screaming for help
and Dany runs through these dead dudes who I guess are Qatar or whatever city guards and past some of her dead Dothraki soldiers as other Dothraki come up after her as she goes to her room and finds... HER DRAGONS HAVE BEEN STOLEN and she sees her dead handmaiden who was making snippy comments before and sits over her corpse and screams WHERE ARE MUH DRAGONS?!!? and then we cut to a figure hidden under a white robe carrying a box on their back that we can hear the squealing baby dragons in as they bring it up to a tower, yeah just leave your extremely valuable asset that is the only reason anyone gives you respect in your bedroom don't hide them anywhere or anything good thinking Dany, I'm legit confused, are we meant to think Dany is a pathetic loser? like literally everything she does is fucking pathetic lmao, she pathetically falls in love with her rapist, she pathetically respects the demented culture that abandoned her at first notice, she pathetically goes on impotent rants about how she'll kill anyone who wrongs her and invade a whole continent with her well now like 12 people left, and now she pathetically loses her surrogate children, I mean it'd make sense if she was meant to be a delusional mentally unbalanced trauma victim who's living in a fantasy world because she's been getting abused all her life or something but I think she's meant to be on this like epic heroes journey of rising to ultimate power or something, idk this storyline is literally like a comedy of errors or something, a funny and very accurate reading of her character could be that she's inherited her father's mental illness lmao but from spoilers I know she does actually succeed in bringing armies to Westeros and successfully winning battles so I guess she's just a badly written Mary Sue
Game of Thrones 2x07: "A Man Without Honor"
you know nothing about pussy, Jon Snow special edition
First aired: May 13, 2012
so this episode opens with Theon waking up since this stupid woman's plan involved actually giving him earlier notice than he'd have gotten otherwise that something is wrong by her going to bed with hi and not being there when he wakes up and we see him standing over the body of his dead guard asking "a cripple? you let a cripple escape?" to the fat asshole who bullied him before and he blames Theon for fucking the wildling woman and he looks super edgy and disgruntled because he knows he got manipulated super easily by her but then he remembers he's the Prince so HE PUNCHES THE FAT GUY IN THE FACE AND RECOILS AS HE HURT HIS HAND SO STARTS KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM lmao I love the ungainly way Theon's actor does all his violent scenes in like he's not a natural fighter at all and just sort of flails around when attacking someone and as his first mate guy gives a big grin at how Theon is becoming more and more violent he orders for the hounds to be released as they hunt down the special olymics squad, and the teacher guy is with them and asks Theon for mercy for the little boys but Theon says so what he was a little boy when he got taken and he kept his word and never ran away as if that's something to be proud of and the teacher guy tries the "more valuable to you dead than alive" meme on him but he's not worried and is confident his sisters forces can back him up against the Starks and when the dogs start barking he tells the Maester "dont look so grim, its all just a game!" like he's such a manchild
then we cut to the wolves running through a field and the amazing group of Hodor carrying Bran, the little boy trying to pry open some wallnuts, which seems like a nervous habit for him, that Hodor helps him with and the wildling woman saying they need more food since he cant survive on wallnuts forever, but the little boy insits he'll be fine, but then they come across the farm Bran sent the two orphans to, Jack and Billy according to the little boy, I see GRRM ran out of fictional names here and just looked in a phonebook, but Bran's already a street wise shotcaller and knows it'd just put them in danger of being tortured by Theon's forces trying to find them but the wildling woman says they cant outrun their hounds forever as they weigh their options
then we see Jon waking up still with his arm wrapped around the wildling woman and she asks "did you pull a knife on me in the night?" referring to his MORNING WOOD lmao, and Jon suddenly recoils away from her as if he's scared she raped him in his sleep or some shit and his fear of siring a bastard might be realized, and he hops up and awkwardly flattens his jacket lmao and the redhead is like whats the big deal "cant be the first time you've pressed your bone against a woman's arse" and Jon edgily growls "lets move" and pulls her up to untie her but her virgin radar goes off and she's like "you're a boy who's never been with a girl? don't your stones start to hurt if your bone d-" and he tells her to stop calling them that and she winds him up by keep doing it and needling away at him saying "I heard they get all swollen and bruised if you dont use them" as Jon walks her through the hills on a rope this is literally like the start of a porno or something, or since its 2019 and porn doesn't have plot anymore the start of a hentai I guess would be more relevant, and she says "or maybe that's just what the guys say when they want me feeling sorry for them, as if I'd feel sorry for them" as if you don't fuck them all you THOT and she asks if since the nights watch have no women all the men just do it with each other lmao but Jon says "no, we swore an oath" and she asks "you have sheep at the wall?" innocent as if they really do fuck goats up there and then she settles on "just your hands then, no wonder you're all so miserable" lmao thats what Sams problem is, not doing nofap, Jon meanwhile has been nohands edging thinking about his sister for years if I know this show
and then they start screaming at each other about which one of them is really the free one, if Jon's gay or not, and how they're not the ones invading the wildlings land, they're the ones who invade south and tried to kill his brother (that I guess he read about in his message from bran@crows.com) but she insists this is all their land and they've been there the whole time and its them that put up the wall and said it was theirs, really makes ya think about the modern day issues of more advanced armies going to war against impoverished people claiming they attack them too, outside forces imposing borders on an area, colonizers displacing native people and, dare I say it, Israel... oh yeah and Trumps wall I guess but that's never being built so its not an issue, and Jon insists his family have blood of the first men, and the redhead just asks "so why are you fighting us?" and Jon doesn't have an answer so she just keeps walking, which makes me think even more, in fact what with the answer being "well we're scared you're planning to attack us" it makes me think about the whole war on terror and maybe this Mance Ryder figure uniting all these different poor people into one army, what with knowing all the Nights Watch tactics because they trained him, kinda reminds me of an Osama Bin Laden figure, and when she walks off with Jon standing there staring off into space like an idiot the rope starts pulling taunt making him follow her as if she's actually the one that's got him on the lead, makes ya think
then at the ruins the Lannister army are using as an HQ we see they are lynching what seems to be the servants one by one trying to get them to spill the beans on who killed that guy and Tywin looks out the window listening to the screams of torture victims with a pleasant look on his face like it doesn't bother him at all and he's in fact pleased that his army are efficiently questioning multiple possible witnesses at once as he sniffs the killers dart and identifies it as "wolfsbane, a rare substance, this is no common assassin" and The Mountain, played by the new actor who looks a bit too intelligent to be playing this attack dog brute character, booms to him "we hung 20 men last night" and Tywin demands "he tried to kill me, I want his name and his head", maybe he really does think that or is onto what really happened but doesn't want anyone else over reacting before he can see this thing with Arya play itself out, who's serving him his drink right now, and The Mountain growls "we think it was an infiltrator from the Brotherhood Without Banners", sounds like Soldiers Without Borders from Metal Gear Solid or some shit, which Tywin dismisses as "a pretentious name for a band of outlaws" but Tywin knows if they can keep harassing them they look like heroes while they look like fools which is how kings fall, and The Mountain grumbles "killing them isn't the problem, its finding them" as he eyes Arya handling a meat knife and skewer as if he's thinking these assassins could be anyone... even her... so I guess he's not that much of a mindless brute afterall, and Tywin teases "you going soft Clegene? always thought you had a talent or violence, burn the villages, burn the farms, let them know what happens when they choose the wrong side" and The Mountain just murmurs and leaves like razing a region is regular business for him, then there's an interesting exchange where Tywin says he doesn't like mutton and offers it to her, but Arya can tell he just wants to get her stuck in "casual" conversation with him and tries to make excuses to eat it later, shoulda said you were vegetarian that's what I did once when I was 12 to get out of eating with my American family and then just kept up the meme my whole life lmao, but he just orders her to sit and eat and offers her the carving knife as if testing to see if she'll have a go, and Tywin says she must be underfed but Arya slips up and shares that she eats loads but just never grows, something that must bother someone as independent as her, and Tywin goes "hmm" like he's had his suspicions confirmed, a stonesmiths daughter is well fed and taught to read? unlikely! but also perhaps that reminds him a bit of his own son and he takes this rare opportunity to be honest in this weird dynamic where he's got Arya by the balls, or ovaries or whatever
and she doesn't even know it so he can just have her merced whenever he wants and tells her that this will be his last war win or lose, I suppose because of his age, and Arya asks if he's ever lost a war, and he turns around and looks at her with an always simmering low burning contempt for the whole world and asks "you think I'd be in that position if I'd lost a war?" and Arya shakes her head shyly and he nods that she gave the right answer like he's almost her teacher and when he says "this is the one I'll be remembered for" Arya grips her knife as if she wants to take the opportunity to win the war for her family and she starts staring intently at the back of his neck as the rare score starts up as Tywin talks about how they're calling this "the war of five kings", I guess now that Theon's father has entered the ring it is, and this will be his legacy, and then he suddenly turns around to ask Arya "do you know what legacy means?" when she doesn't say anything and she has to quickly whip around back to her meal oh shit and he tells her "its what you pass on to your children's children, its what remains of you when you're gone" AKA passing on your memes as well as genes as a method of overcoming death if even a little, and he nods to her as if he's trying to impart his memes to Arya and is maybe just testing her steel by turning his back to her, and then he talks about how Harron the Black thought this greatest fortress ever built would be his legacy but now is in ruins, and he asks Arya if she knows what happened, and she says "dragons?" and he's pleased to hear she got it right and talks about how the fortress was built to withstand attack from land... but not from air, Harron and all his sons roasted alive inside these walls, and Arya looks around and realizes oh yeah, they are all scorched black and every non-stone thing is new, which I guess is what the dragons represent more specifically than just military might and WMDs, they're air superiority, which simply wouldn't exist otherwise in this world (dank idea for fanfiction I just had: the Game of Thrones planet but we jump ahead 2000 years to where they have modern technology, but still have to deal with shit like dragons, white walkers, smoke monsters and long ass winters) and Tywin says every child alive still knows that Targarian guys name which I've yet to remember because he changed the rules even though it was 300 years ago (so I guess his family was in power from then until only 13 years ago when Robert overthrew the Mad King), but then Arya has been reading her tumblr and corrects him that it wasn't just Aegon that changed the rules... it was also his sisters, which seems to be a theme in real world history where whenever a woman did something ebin she had to let her husband or brothers or father take the credit since otherwise no one would give it to her, but Tywin is pleased that she's a student of history and Arya starts talking about the names of the dragons they all rode that I guess she saw personally in the catacombs of Kingslanding and Tywin murmurs "I'm sure I knew that when I was a boy" as if jokingly not letting himself be out-trivia'd by a 12 year old girl and Arya talks admiringly about how great a warrior one of the sisters was that had a valarian steel sword and Tywin smiles as warmly as he can and asks "shes a heroine of yours I take it?" as if he's enjoying being a father figure again and maybe wishes his children had such respectable inclinations as Arya, and he asks why she's not more interested in things most young girls like like pretty maidens from songs, and Arya just says "most girls are idiots", which I believe is what they call a case of ye olde internalized misogyny (but she's also right lmao most stereotypical things for either gender are dumb shit), and Tywin goes "HAH!" probably the most he's laughed in years and says "you remind me of my daughter" (who outright hates other women lel), who is maybe his favorite child since we haven't heard him say anything bad about her yet, and he asks where she learned all this stuff, and Arya says longingly "from my father", and when Tywin says "mmhmm, he was a well-read stonemason", her eyes snap back up to his as if she's growing more confident and he says "cant say I've ever met a literate stonemason" hinting that he knows whats going on and Arya cheekily asks "have you met many stonemasons my lord?" and Tywin gives this mischievous smirk as if that's the first time someone's spoken back to him in years and he likes it but he warns "careful now girl, I enjoy you, but be careful" as he cant have her being cheeky to him in front of others, seems to be trying to teach her his memes and is letting her know she can't get away with cheek like that in front of any other powerful men so shouldn't get in the habit and maybe knowing his own harsh mentality too well that the second it stops being fun for him is the second she's in danger and whatever this fucked up situation is reaches it's next stage, interesting how everyone needs to walk on eggshells more and more the more and more powerful people get almost like an abusive relationship and reminds me of certain governments around the world even in the modern day, and maybe for her own safety but as a reward for playing along with him he tells her to take the food back to the kitchen and eat what she wants but as she leaves he stops her and says "m'lord... lowborn girls say "m'lord"... not "my lord", if you're going to pose as a commoner you should do it properly" and Arya wont risk letting her guard down to such a dangerous man who might just be trying to coax it out of her by being so jovial and she claims "my mother served Lady Dustin for many years MY LORD, she taught me how to speak proper-properly!" and Tywin gets a little smile like he approves of her keeping her mask up but then gets a bit more serious as he remembers if she made these mistakes when trying this on with anyone else not in such a forgiving mood she'd be a dead girl walking so warns her "you're too smart for your own good, anyone ever tell you that?" and Arya hides a smile as she remembers her father and then he dismisses her and Arya turns around looking scared as she realizes how close she just came to probably falling for his gambit to get her to drop even just a bit of her facade and Tywin sits there smiling as if he hasn't had this much fun in years but then stops himself as he remembers he can't let himself get carried away since this could be the assassin for all he knows, holy fuck this guys a great actor and every scene he's in is so based and layered with tensions
then we see Sansa walking down a hall past The Hound and stops him to thank him for saving her but he edgily says "a dog doesn't need courage to chase off rats" and Sansa asks him "does it give you joy to scare people?" and The Hound seems to sense she's considering a life of abusing power like everyone else is already doing around her so to scare her off he marches up and says "no, it gives me joy to kill people" and when she reacts in shock he points out her father too killed people and when she says "it was his duty he never liked it" he's just like "he lied, killings the sweetest thing there is" and Sansa gets uppity and asks "why are you always so hateful" idk his fucked up face might be a clue and he says "you'll be glad of the hateful things I do someday when you're queen... and I'm all that stands between you and your beloved king" I thought he just meant all the shit he does to protect that family and their power in general but he means stopping her husband from killing her lmao and she gets shook when she realizes he's right and storms off and The Hound looks like that was cruel but had to be done to toughen her up some more
then back in retarded storyline central Triple X is telling Dany one of the other Thirteen leaders must have done this and being a dumbass who doesn't know how to play anything more subtly than just blurting out her feelings she casts suspicion on him and he says they're nothing to him on their own, clearly trying to say he values her more, but Dany snaps NOTHING? THEY'RE MORE VALUABLE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD! literally like a bitchy girlfriend who can turn anything you say into a supposed attack on her holy moly get a grip woman and this dude must really love white pussy because he offers to let her look inside his vault to see he doesn't need anymore money and Dany snaps "there is no WE!" as he offers to help like the moron she is and when he tries to tell his usual spiel about how he grew up poor she just snaps I DONT CARE WHERE YOU'VE BEEN and storms off giving him one lass angry look as she goes past her like 1 remaining Dothraki guard who's this old dude, lmao it's almost like Dany's storyline is so annoying even she's getting sick of it
then with the other shit plot Jon is leading this redhead thot around on a rope by a frozen lake and she starts needling him about how they might not live in stone castles or have as good steel but they're free "if someone tried to tell us who we couldn't lie down with as man and woman we'd shove a spear up his arse" pretty sure most native tribes still had/have strict rules about who you can and cannot fuck other than very rare tribes where they don't have a concept of fatherhood or very odd superstitions about where babies come from and most are even more strict than more advanced societies since they don't have contraceptives, healthcare for childbirth, understand what STDs are and rely very heavily on a family unit keeping everyone fed especially in harsher climates but ok duuuude, but Jon points out that they all follow Mance Rayder, and she says they chose to and offers him again to defect and live a life free of responsibilities (even though I'm pretty sure living a life where if you mess up one day you fucking die from starvation or cold has more responsibilities than civilization where you can be a useless retard like Sam and still survive but ok duuuude) and of course le benis in bagina and offers to teach him how to do it but Jon's MGTOW vows will not be broken as he insists "I know how to do it" and SHE SAYS THE MEME "you know nothing, Jon Snow" WAIT A FUCKING SECOND ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS MEME LINE THAT REDDITORS SAY OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND PUT ON T-SHIRTS AND CARVE INTO THEIR ARM IS IN RESPONSE TO JON CLAIMING HE KNOWS HOW TO HAVE SEX?1?!?!? FOR YEARS I THOUGHT THIS LINE WAS ABOUT HOW HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT ELABORATE CONSPIRACY MACHINATIONS HES UP AGAINST OR HOW DANGEROUS NORTH OF THE WALL IS OR SOMETHING BUT ITS ABOUT HIM BEING A VIRGIN?!?!! AHAHAHHAHAA wow then she does the meme where she walks off edgily without saying anything so Jon can stand there staring like an idiot at nothing
then we get some comfy relaxing music as we pan from a tower across Robb's army's massive tent city that's by a lake and he is meeting with the Lannister messenger who is too nervous to tell him Cersei's reply but he assures him he wont be held accountable for her actions so he steels himself and says "she tore the paper in half, your grace" lul, but he tells his men to give him a clean pen so I guess he was always their captive and he knew he'd be recaptured if he went back and chose that over staying with Cersei lul but they still have the problem of having too many POWs already so they put him in Jaime's relatively nicer cage with more space and then the nurse lady comes up and asks for a minute of his time and somehow she can look at one of his advisers, I think even one of the edgy flaying guys, and get him to leave, somehow, ok I'm bored of this character already, can we just skip to the bit where it's revealed she's the spy? thanks, and apparently its not liked that shes treating enemies too and she's requesting more medical supplies and Robb likes it that she interrupts him and is so upfront about the issues of war probably because it reminds him of his mother and he invites her to come with him on his next official meeting
then at that farmhouse the runaways considered staying at we see Theon and his men bringing the tracking dogs around but they claim they can't find them much to Theon's distress because he doesn't want to be treated like "a fool and a eunuch by my own people" ah yes wouldn't that be a shame heheheheh and like some hiding-jews-in-ww2 shit his men drag out the old man who got given the orphans and Theon starts beating him when he swears he doesn't know where the boys are, and I actually like that we don;t know yet if they stayed there so the scene is more about Theon's descent into barbarism than the hunt for our heroes, but then the first mate guy finds the little autie brother's wallnut shells he somehow knows are his and he tells Theon to send the teacher guy home since he knows him whispering for mercy in his ear is making him weak
then back in retard-land Jorah has apparently ran across the entire city as his beta orbital attraction to Dany is just too strong who whines about how she couldn't protect her handmaiden and apparently her best friend handmaiden is missing too and Jorah says he shouldn't have left her among "these people" and shes like "these people?" yeah he means brown people, but she says the Targaryians sure aren't her people, and she says she only ever knew her brother, so I guess she was too young to remember her father, and she repeats his edgy line about how he'd have let a thousand men rape her for the crown lmao, then she whines about the Dothraki leaving her and the people in Westeros not knowing she's alive and since all her boasting was completely delusional she is now depressed that obviously won't happen literally like she is suffering from bipolar disorder and Jorah tries to egg her on, I guess maybe he's still getting orders from Varys to make this shit happen or he's just a massive orbiter, but she says shes done trusting people, even though she has no idea who stole the dragons to know if it was someone who betrayed her, and rebuffs Jorah as he tries to comfort her, who looks down like the depressed walking virgin from the walking meme and begs her to tell him how to help and she just says "find my dragons" and he scurries off, what a cucklord
and then back north of The Wall the redhead is taunts Jon for being lost and saying she's going to tell his commander they fucked and tries to talk him into fucking her since he might as well if it's his word against hers and then the rare score starts up with mysterious tension music as the redhead tells him not to be afraid of her nice wet and warm vagina lmao and Jon is such an uncomfortable virgin he actually puts his hands on his sword to scare her off lmao but then SHE PULLS THE ROPE SO HARD JON FALLS OVER AND THEN LEGS IT OFF UP A HILL AND DIVES DOWN A CREVASSE this guy is such a useless fucking moron lmao which is even more annoying than Dany since at least shit writing has gifted Dany with excuses to be loved but everyone just adores Jon to the point of begging him for cock despite him having a like 90 IQ and then out of nowhere the redhead stands up.... with two guys with spears beside her... and then Jon looks around and there's wildlings all around the hilltops surrounding him, and she says "shoulda took me while ya had the chance!" uh oh looks like it's reverse bitch raping time
speaking of rape Sansa is having a wet dream, well I say that as a joke but knowing this show maybe this is the angle they're going for, a PTSD nightmare about those guys trying to rape her but this time it ends with them pulling a knife and stabbing her and Sansa looks down to see on her thighs there's, no, not pussy juice, it's blood and is horrified to see SHES GOTTEN HER FIRST PERIOD so she goes to grab a knife from her table and rushes to cut out the blood stain on her sheets but Tyrion's cag catches her and Sansa cries that Cersei cant see or it'll be time to marry Joffrey and the cag instantly says "help me flip it over" as she's quite used to hiding stains on beds and then another handmaiden wanders in because these dopey cows cant learn to lock a door and she sees the I am pretty sure unrealistically massive blood stain on the bed and there is an amazing scene that reminds me of the bit in The Town where Ben Affleck and his buds are robbing a bank and some cop pulls up and sees them switching vans and they just awkwardly stare at each other until the cop simply looks away knowing he's not willing to risk his life over bags of cash where Sansa and cag freeze and stair at the handmaiden and she looks awkwardly between her, Sansa, the bed, realizes whats happening and rushes off
and cag chases after her but shes not pretending she didn't see anything shes going to tell Cersei and THE CAG PUTS A FUCKING KNIFE TO HER THROAT, THAT'S HOW WE DO IT IN THE NORF BITCH
and threatens her to shut the fuck up and the girl is shit scared and agrees and she lets her go but when the whore gets back to Sansa's room... THE HOUND IS STANDING THERE
and apparently he grasses them up because next we see Cersei telling Sansa it's no big deal, knowing full well what she's really upset about, and Sansa says her mother explained it to her but she thought it would be less... messy, which about sums up everything in this show, people have these grand ideas that leadership, marriage and battle will be nice and noble like in the fairytales but then get hit with the harsh reality that no they usually involve lots of violence lmao, and Cersei quips "just wait until you give birth" and she does her cunty thing where she talks about how bringing little princes and princesses into the world is what she used to dream about knowing full well how unhappy she is but then has a rare moment of trying to comfort her probably just because she knows if she gets too uppity Joffrey will kill her and tries to explain that he's always been "difficult", even his birth took a day and a half, and talks about how Robb would always go out hunting whenever she was in labor but it was Jaime who demanded to be there, probably knowing full well that they're probably his, and she has a little smile as if in her fucked up miserable life her brother she thinks she needs to lead on with sex is the only good love she has, and she tries to comfort Sansa that she wont love the king but she will his children, and she whimpers in a super sqeauky voice "I love the king with all my heart" and Cersei says "that's so very touching to hear" as if she really means that Sansa has already learnt she needs to lie about her feelings at all times to survive as a woman in this life but with a mean little smile as if it's out of sadism someone else has to suffer what she does as much as it means she'll survive for longer, and then she tells her "the more people you love the weaker you are, you'll do them favors you know you shouldn't, act the fool to keep them safe, love no one but your children, on that front a mother has no choice" idk there's some shit mothers in this world I mean the Red Lady let her one day old baby stab a gay man, and Sansa asks "shouldn't I love Joffrey?" and Cersei says sadly "you can try, little dove" as she knows already no one will ever really love her shithead son other than her
then we cut to Jaime locked up in his cage trying to place where this distant cousin is on his family tree as he has no idea who he is lmao and this guy awkwardly says "actually I squired for you once your grace, at william freys wedding" and Jaime just looks confused and asks "I went to william freys wedding?" in a goofy manner as if this guy has never had to learn to regulate his feelings like Cersei has and just says whatever vivacious embarrassing disrespectful shit comes to mind like some fucking Donald Trump shit but he starts to remember that his original squire got so drunk he threw up on his horse on the way to the tournament because of Tyrion plying him with alcohol the night before lmao and then he remembers his cuz, who is overjoyed but calms himself down when he remembers what a serious situation they're in, but Jaime compliments him on not overdoing his role, and the cousin is about to say something when a guard shushes him and then he gets embarrassed but Jaime says "more embarrassing than being chained to a post covered in your own shit?" so the guy starts gushing about how cool Jaime looked to him that day and how it was the best day of his life and Jaime is very flattered eating up all the ego boosting but then catches himself as he remembers this dude might get killed at any time and the guy turns bitter and starts ranting about how he hated having to leave and go back to sit with his mediocre family but Jaime says he understands since he used to be a squire himself as a 16 year old for a man who was "a painter who only used red" and hated leaving the battlefield because it was like a dream come true and then confesses that it led him to actually squiring for the enemy forces lmao, I guess this was before his sister was queen so there was less scrutiny on him, and he admits it's a good thing he is who he is since he'd be useless at anything else, being an arrogant royal prick I guess he means, and he starts getting antsy about being a prisoner, mocking Ned that he'd have made a good prisoner, to get the idea in his cousins head about escaping and probably only listening to him and saying all that shit to him which could have been made up to get him on his side so he'll get close to him and listen intently as he whispers his idea to him which is "YOU'LL HAVE TO DIE" and the cousin stares at him confused what he means, such an innocent man
only for JAIME HEADBUTTS HIM, THROWS HIM ON THE GROUND AND STARTS SMASHING HIS FACE IN so that when a guard comes to check Jaime is huddled up pretending to sleep with his cousin convulsing as he dies on the ground he's lured over to check on him, could have really just asked him to fake it but ok my dude, but when he bends down JAIME LEAPS UP AND STARTS STRANGLING THE GUARD WITH HIS CHAINS AND CRUSHES HIS WINDPIPE WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE until he stops wriggling so he can get his keys to escape, damn this guy is a fucker but I love it since he's a Chad who fucks his sister lmao
then back in Qatar there is some slight edge where that woman in the gimp mask is painting some sort of protection symbols onto a naked sailors back with the blood from a goats skull as Jorah arrives to demand the dragons with his hand on his sword but she tells him "draw your sword and see what its worth" as if maybe her gimp mask is sword-proof of something and then edgily says "will you betray her again?" I guess she knows that he used to work for Varys but then she gives him the pro-tip that the thief is with her right now, and then we cut to the Spiceking getting triggered at being suspected by triple X and Dany who starts whining that they're her children and will die without her, idk I am pretty sure anyone can feed a lizard some meat, and this calling them her children thing is like the ye olde version of "dog mommies" on instagram who very sadly and cringily pretend their dogs are their babies which is like the female version of waifuism, and another member of the Thirteen calls her out for threatening them previously and the Spiceking says it's better off these horrible creatures are gone and the creepy AIDS dude offers his help by taking her to The House of the Undying... WHERE HE TOOK THEM, and when he says the King of Qarth agreed to steal them from them, and the other members laugh because there isn't a King of Qarth, and the one Dothraki dude left readies his weapon as he can sense some bullshits going down and Triple X starts ranting about how he intends to open up Qarth or the whole world, fucking libtard globalist shill! and the creepy AIDS man goes to stand next to him but the Spiceking says "three dragons the size of cats and an alliance with a charletan do not make you a king" and XXX says some pretentious shit about how those in the margins come to control the centre and then the AIDS dude declares Dany will have her dragons back as ELEVEN COPIES OF THE CREEPY AIDS GUY APPEAR BEHIND THE OTHER ELEVEN MEMBERS AND SLIT THEIR THROATS
oh I guess we won't be learning about any of the other leaders very nice and interesting storyline there definitely not cut short to save writing and casting efforts, and Dany gasps at this advanced use of kage bunshin no jutsu from Naruto and runs away in fear but runs into another copy of the AIDS guy and the Dothraki guard goes to fight him but Jorah appears behind the clone and stabs him through the back like heh, nothin personel kid, but the clone just says joyously to Dany "a mother should be with her children!" and then his body implodes into his robes that drop empty to the ground as he pops out of existence or some shit and then another clone walks up and asks "where will you run to Daenerys Stormborn? your dragons wait for you in the House of the Undying" and her men realize killing him is pointless so escort Dany out, ok, this is fucking retarded, what is this, fucking Matrix Reloaded or something with all the Agent Smiths appearing from around every corner? literally and unironically feels like content from another show, even the way it's filmed seems like it's on a lower budget, like it looks like Legend of the Seeker or some shit while the rest of the show is a movie-level production, how the FUCK am I meant to care about any of the other stories when this shit is going on, like if Tywin is so rich why not just pay this guy, who somehow lives in the same universe as him, to make clones of him, "grounded and logical consequences" my fucking ass, get the fuck outta here with this anime shit, this is like what people complain about "shared universes" in comic books and shit where you have characters like The Punisher shooting sex traffickers in the same setting as Galactus eating a planet, except this isn't different franchises retroactively said to be taking place in the same universe to sell comic books, these are simply different scenes in the same TV show lmao
then at Robb's army a guy barges into Cats tent and Brie stops him and he says "get your hands off me woman" and she snarls with either actual bad acting or Brie overcompensating to try and seem more aggressive than she actually is "don't enter without an invitation MAN" fucking feminism gone mad, and the guy realizes this woman's a bit off the reservation and it's not worth making a thing about it so just says "forgive me" and then looks right in the camera like its a POV scene and says "lady stark! they caught the king slayer" and she goes outside to see Jaime being led through an angry crowd on a chain as people scream at him that he's a murderer and demanding he hang and Jaime just has a smug look on his face like it's just funny he's gotten these people so riled up and some guards start beating him as he rolls around on the ground but then some Santa looking motherfucker demands vengeance for his son and the guards are about to fight him off but Cat orders him to stop on authority of being Ned's widow and his Kings mother since women can only have authority from proximity to men in this world really makes ya think but Santa talks shit about how Robb is taking influence from the foreign woman and Brie goes full whiteknight and half-draws her sword and says "threatening m'lady is an act of treason!" but Cat manages to talk Santa down by saying Jaime crippled her own son so she wants justice for him too and he says he'll demand his head from Robb and marches off in a huff and Jaime cockily says "thanks for fighting on my behalf" and then calls her "quite a she-wolf" and Cat orders him put in the stockades and to gag him as they pull the grinning cheeky cunt away
then we see Cersei and Tyrion alone in her bedroom at night, oh my, and they needle each other about Cersei not being able to stand looking at her handmaidens anymore, I guess she just resents younger woman who have more time to run up on their looks and biological clock than her or something, and Tyrion warns that Stannis fleet of 200 ships will be there in 5 days tops and since their father isn't there to save them they need Joffrey to start acting like a real king, who I'm surprised there wasn't immediately a storyline about him having that entire area of the city genocided for attacking him but I guess this was in ye olden times before you could pick rioters out of a crowd with weaponized autism looking at the 9999 videos from twitter, and Cersei calls him out for "giving the boy whores to abuse" and Tyrion admits he was wrong to think it'd help, and then says seriously "if we cant control him..." since they have the mutual problem of an army coming to kill them both never mind the whole city wanting to do the same right now and Cersei says "he doesn't listen to me" and Tyrion blames her for putting a crown on his head and Cersei confesses "I always hoped he'd be like Jaime" don't know if that's too low a bar since Jaime's a backstabbing sociopath or too high a bar and you want to fuck him lmao and yeah she creepily says "he looks like Jaime... in a certain light" I guess admitting to Tyrion that yeah that's his dad but Tyrion half-heartedly denies it as if it's better for everyone involved to just keep lying about it but she says "Robert was a drunken fool but he didn't enjoy cruelty" I guess the implication there being if she wishes he was more like Jaime she worries he takes after her too much and then wonders aloud if he is their "penalty for their sins" and Tyrion tries to excuse it by bringing up the Targaryans probably trying to keep on her good side and keep her confessing and she says that's what they'd tell each other in their moments of doubt and what she told Ned, but half the Targaryens went mad and she worries if that's what's wrong with Joffrey and Tyrion makes more excuses for her that Tommen and Myrcella are decent, pretty sure it takes several generations of in-breeding to get the bad effects and they are usually compounding birth defects rather than personality disorders it's probably down to everyone in his family being an abusive manipulative sociopath that's the issue (there's NOTHING wrong with incest!!!) and Cersei starts to cry at her horrific situation like it'd be easier if just 100% of her family were shitheads so she didn't have to care but she has to look after the nice young kids, probably Tyrions intention, and he very awkwardly walks towards her as if he's about to comfort her but then looks away awkwardly, and they look at each other like it might be Tyrion emotionally abusing her but that's also the reality of their relationship that there's no comfort between them, sad but kino stuff
then back at Robb's army camp there are men arguing about what to do with Jaime and it breaks out in a shoving match and Brie warns her it'll turn violent and Jaime wont last the night so they go to his cage to a chained up Jaime and Cat does the "leave us" meme to the guards and Jaime seems completely nonchalant about knowing he's dying tonight like he likes to put on a tough guy front but also doesn't actually have anything to live for than a fucked up affair with his sister that'll obviously end in doom for both of them and Cat says it's his fault for strangling that guys son to death with his chains and Jaime just acts super smug and says any knight would have done the same, as if they are ye olde spec ops soldiers or something, and Cat shames him for forgetting his vows, but Jaime just cockily points out they'r a bunch of contradictory nonsense anyway, all about honoring your father and not hurting the innocent and following the kings orders, but what happens if your father hates the king and the king kills the innocent? as if from his point of view everyone else is a hypocrite shithead too but at least he doesn't lie to himself about it, and when he mocks Brie's stature Cat says she's a better knight than he ever saw Kingslayer and Brie looks super proud of herself (cant wait for the scene where she gets gangraped by bulls or something knowing this show) and Jaime does the meme where he prattles off all the Mad Kings titles to show how little respect he has for all this bullshit when it can be undermined by one king happening to be a lunatic and ironically he's probably saved the most innocent lives out of anyone by stabbing the dude in the back and Cat says he has no honor and Jaime taunts "you know... I've never been with a woman other than Cersei... so in my own way I have more honor than poor old dead Ned, what was the name of that bastard he sired? Snow? when he came home with some whores baby did you pretend to love it? no, you're an honest woman, you hated that boy didn't you? the walking talking reminder that the honerable Lord Stark fucked another woman!" and she orders Brie forward but then takes her sword herself and Jaime looks satisfied as if that's what he was intending, just taunt her into killing him right there and then to get it over with, so the angry crowd doesn't torture him before or some shit, but then we cut away, also top kek at Jaime claiming to only have been with Cersei, which is probably a lie but a characterization I'd believe since this guys all about having a massive ego, he might not even give a shit about fucking women he knows for a fact he could get with his amazing looks and wealth because that wouldn't inflate his ego, probably why he wants to fuck his sister, since she's the one woman in the seven kingdom he SHOULDN'T be able to fuck so he has to prove to himself that he can, another man who maintains his masculine energy by thot patrolling, based & incestpilled
then we cut to Theon being edgy at Winterfell giving a speech to his new subjects ranting about how they seem to be asking what happens if they don't obey him as Brans old Maester teacher guy is dragged to the front of the crowd as Theon announces "this is the answer to your question" as he has THE BURNT TO A CRISP DEAD BODIES OF THE LITTLE ORPHAN BOYS JACK AND BILLY HOISTED UP ON NOOSES AS THE APPALLED CROWD SCREAMS EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 30 and the teacher howls in horror as the first mate gives a big shit eating grin as Theon flinches as he looks at them and then looks down like he's ashamed of himself, that was extremely fucking edgy but it was appropriate in the sense of all the people we've seen doing edgy as fuck things have either been sadistic psychos about it or le stoic hardmen doing what must be done but this is the first time we've seen someone visibly hating themselves for it which is an interesting angle to take that Theon might be an insecure coward but he's only done this atrocity because him pathetically trying to live up to the expectations of his disgusting culture and cruel father which has a bit more to say about the human condition than "he's just a cunt lol" like some of the nameless Lannister soldiers in Arya's storyline or it being purposefully ambiguous as to what's wrong with Joffrey
Game of Thrones 2x08: "The Prince of Winterfell"
Arya's Death Note exploits special edition
First aired: May 20, 2012
ok first scene is Theon and his first mate looking on approvingly as a basket of dead crows is thrown out a window to make sure no one else there can sneak out messages I guess but then in through the front gate rides Yara and all her men who just ride straight passed Theon and they set themselves up in the hall to have a feast and she has her feet up on the table and mocks through a mouthful of chickenleg the episode titledrop "if it isn't HBO's Game of Thrones Season 2 Episode 8 The Prince of Winterfell!" really jesus christ and Theon says she should have respect for her brothers achievement and she just bullies him saying "we saw the bodies, which gave you the harder fight, the cripple or the 6 year old?" (hol up if this planet has such unreliable seasons then how come their years are consistent? I guess the planet revolves around the sun like ours but is on a wonky axis itself or something) thinking they're the Stark kids and the men all laugh at what a pussy Theon is and I guess Theon is actually trying to pass those two kids off as Bran and the other shota idk if we the audience are meant to think that I doubt it but it's just Theon being a dishonest little shit and he tries to justify his actions but Yara says they were the brave ones for trying to escape, as if she doesn't have so much a moral problem with killing kids, just that it's obviously pathetic to brag about doing it, and when Theon gets huffy that they promised him she cuts him off and asks "your little boy prisoners made you a promise and broke them? ARE YOU THE DUMBEST CUNT ALIVE?" as if she has zero respect for her pampered pussy brother and Theon tries to maddog her and says "call me a-" but Yara butts in and says "a cunt? a dumb cunt who killed the only two Starks in Winterfell?" and Theon tries to defend himself saying "the Northerners would think me weak" but she says "you are weak, and stupid" lmao this girl fucking rules every other female character is obsessed with how they'll never be respected as equals and here Yara is with macho big dick energy humiliating the prince in front of the army she commands absolutely based and Theon grumbles "I'm warning you!" and Yara just glares at him and says "go on then... warn me" and Theon doesn't say shit since he knows she could probably beat his ass lmao so he changes the topic like they're little kids squabbling and says "you haven't brought enough men to defend Winterfell!" and she smiles and says they're there to take him home and Theon gets super triggered and says "is this a joke?! Winterfell is the heart of the North!" but she's like "a hundred miles from the sea, did you forget we're islanders baby brother? our power comes from our ships" and says that every man in the North wants to see him hanged for what he did to the Stark boys, and Theon being a dumb little pussy says Robb wont find out since he killed all the ravens and insists he's taken Winterfell and will keep it as if he did anything at all and Yara, realizing her dipshit brother is so out of his depth he'll just keep fucking things up even worse, does the fucking "leave us" meme to her men and then tries to act softer by saying they both loved their mother and endured their father so just come home with his sister, but he refuses, and she tells what to her is a nice anecdote telling him he was such a noisy annoying baby that she considered just strangling him one night but when he looked up at her he stopped crying so I guess she has some affection for him even if no respect or is just flat out manipulating him and walks off with Theon looking shook like his life is ruined now and he can't even maintain a little power over one building
then we cut to Jon being brought by the wildlings to a bigger group of them and the thot offers him to The Lord of Bones who has decorated his armor with animal bones and is using some sort of big at skull it seems as a mask but they've already captured Halfhand so don't care about any more prisoners and he orders his men to gut him and the thot tries to defend him saying he could have killed her dozens of times but he ain't interested until she doxxes him and the bonelord guy walks up to her and says "he runs, I chop his balls off" and she says "he runs, all do it me sel" since she's got some weird Northern English accent going on and then she tells Jon they're even I guess for sparing each other and then they put him down next to Halfhand and he apoglozies for not being able to kill her and he explains they got caught trying to find him and Jon assumes the others are dead and Halfhand lets him think that for motivation and tells him "don't let it be for nothing" to egg him on in helping to escape or some shit
then we see Robb and his waifu walking through the woods talking about the woman he's never even met he's engaged to for a bridge and how he thought his dad was perfect so he'd do anything for him and thinks everyone thinks highly about their fathers but she's like nah believe me *daddy issues alarm goes off* and then there's some extreme kino which I am pretty sure is a line ripped off from Braveheart or something but Robb talks about how Ned woke up afraid and went to bed afraid for his people and he asked him "how can a man be brave if he's afraid" and Ned replied "that is the only time a man can be brave" which sounds pretentious but it's true, if you're not afraid of something then it's no issue to deal with it, like a sky diving instructor with hundreds of jumps isn't brave for jumping out the door if it's just another day at work for him but the dude he's with who it's his first time and he's shitting his pants but does it anyway who is brave, but then again maybe it's better not to need to be brave lmao, but I guess if you were never scared of anything you'd probably have a boring life or be a bit fucked in the brain and more likely to make rash mistakes, and this woman seems to want to get Robb to call off the war, maybe from the goodness of her heart but yeah right it's going to turn out her dad is Tywin or something and she's his whatever you call a female bastard, but Robb says he's doing it to keep his people safe from the Lannisters... and he also wants "justice" on Joffrey, and before she can question him anymore a rider rides up and tells Robb that Jaime escaped in the middle of the night (again (great security you have here dipshit))
then we see Robb marching up to Cat demanding to know why she let him go which I guess she just admitted and she says for the girls since yeah they'd be more in danger if they were mad at Jaime getting executed look how rectum ravished Robb is about Ned and Robb has a tanty about her betraying him by a bad reason but she points out he's her only child who isn't being being held captive (completely discounting Jon lmao rekt) and the Santa guy whines about how he'd cut out his heart if it'd let his sons step from their graves into a cell and Robb says Jaime played her for a full and she brought discord to his camp (so now everyone will become tranny weebs) and orders another 40 men hunting for Jaime
who is getting further this time than his last shitty escape attempt because Brie is riding him out into the woods and lets him drop off a horse before she takes his hood off and he immediately starts needling her saying "you're much uglier in daylight" lmao and starts angling for her doxx and wont shut the fuck up asking her if she's gay or goes with horses lmao but Brie shoves him down on his knees to spy on a bridge that has some peasants crossing and tells him she hates him for harming those he swore to protect and Jaime's got a bit of the Joker in him since he finds all this talk of heroism awfully dull since it's all a farce that gets you no where from his perspective and asks "has anyone ever told you you're as boring as you are ugly?" lmao she's not that fucking ugly she's just tall but I guess this is a show for Americans where if you're not an 11/10 with nanomachine assisted plastic surgery to keep your facial features symmetrical to the atom you need to die never mind be on TV and Brie grumbles "you will not provoke me to anger!" and Jamie basically does the "u mad for responding lmao" meme like he's a man in the wrong time and place and would be more at home shitposting on a message board and starts taunting about how she couldn't beat him in a fair fight since there's only three men who maybe could (The Mountain, The Hound and maybe the Knight of Roses I guess since he doesn't know about Bronn yet or knows Brie dabbed on him previously) and she says all her life she's been knocking men who mock her into the dust so he taunts her to unlock his chains and see what happens, literally "1v1 me irl fagit" shitposting, but Brie's not falling for it and orders him into a little fishing boat that's suspiciously conveniently there and rows him down the river
then in Tywin's HQ he is being told that Stannis will be able to take Kingslanding in the hour and it's not too late to evacuate his family and the counsel but surrendering isn't in Tywin's vocabulary and insists Joffrey stay and fights and one of the general guys says the Greyjoys did them a favor delaying some of Robb's troops but Tywin knows Robb doesn't know enough yet to be afraid of attacking when not at full force so Tywin decides on sending out an army that night to get on the offensive and orders The Mountain to maintain a garrison here and destroy this Brotherhood, who I guess are just locals not to happy with the Lannisters occupying their land or something, and unfortunately for her he gives Arya to him too, and she goes outside to see shit loads of people being lynched having not given up whoever assassinated that knight guy and she stumbles upon one of the asshole prisoners she saved who starts ranting about fucking her with her sword now she's a girl very edgy but he's interrupted by his commander calling him to action, to "hunt some wolves", I guess the Brotherhood who support the Starks, so I guess all those prisoners have just been conscripted into the Lannister forces since they weren't already on their side or they wouldn't have been in that cage leaving Kingslanding, and then we see the fat kid talking about the only thing he actually knows about, food, with the blacksmith guy and Arya demands to know where that creepy weirdo assassin is and actually grabs the fat kids ears to force him to tell him but he says he's already ridden off and Arya looks as Tywin rides off, wasting her chance to merc him, guess you should have just told him to kill Tywin right away you dumb bitch, I really loved the scenes with Arya for the depth it brought out in Tywin but holy moly his this le poetic dashing rouge assassin guy a dumb concept
then with Jon, Halfhand is trying to convince Jon to go undercover in Mance's army as a spy... like... literally right next to the wildlings who all speak English lmao, but Jon says they wont trust him, but Halfhand just tells him "not if you do what needs to be done" and then gets into character and starts screaming abuse at him for getting those men killed so he can go shag a wildling girl and Jon being the IQlet he is doesn't get that he's just pretending there's bad blood against them so Jon can earn their trust by killing him and actually thinks he's mad at him and gets sad lmao so Halfhand has to sell it more by shoving him down the hill but the Bonelord tells him he's not his to kill and drags him off for the redhead thot to look down at Jon like he's such a dumbass
then back at Kingslanding Tyrion is getting pissed at Bronn cleaning his fingernails at his desk and not wearing a goldcloak and Bronn explains it's too shiny so gives your position away and makes it too hard to move quickly, which sounds like the logic I used when picking my clothes in DayZ lmao, and Tyrion gives in only for Bronn to start obnoxiously staring at him and tapping his fingers since he thinks Tyrion trying to plan a defence by reading a bunch of history books is pointless and Varys comes sneaking up to compliment Tyrion on how he's running the goldcloaks as theft is way down but it's actually Bronn who did that, which I'm sure Varys knows and is just testing their loyalty or something, and he asks Bronn how he managed it and he went with the ol President Deuterte method of crime reduction and says him and the lads just killed all the known theives and Tyrion is about to bitch at him when he explains it's the starvation that kills most of the people in a siege situation and they cant thieves in that situation with Varys agrees with and then makes a cheeky comment about the quality of the book he's reading's writing as if to hint that yes a book isn't going to save you you fucking STUPID NERD READING IS GAY so Tyrion takes out a map of the city and starts deducing the weak points Stannis knows about and will attack and Bronn jokes that they can throw books at him but Varys says they don't have enough books and Tyrion says they do have enough "pig shit" what is he gonna make a bomb from the methane in it or something
then back north of The Wall we see Sam is somehow alive and digging a latrine pit with his mates worrying about what's happened to Jon when they uncover an ancient stone with markings from the First Men and when they move it they find it's actually... WTF IS THIS A HATCH FROM LOST LMAO? but no it's just hiding a pack full with an ornate horn and "dragon glass" aka obsidian, I guess sand that got created by dragons flame and is especially hard or something
then back with Arya she bumps into a soldier who gives her a soft slap on the head for spilling water on him but when she looks up the edgy assassin guy is there and she moans at him for not being there to kill Tywin and he says he cant catch up to him now but offers to kill anyone else he can and she makes him swear it on all the gods which he does and then she bends down and SHE TELLS HIM HIS OWN NAME and he's like n-nani?! "this is no joking thing!" and she's like "I'm not joking, "a man" can go kill himself" lmaooooooooo and he actually begs her to un-name him as if he really will be compelled because of his religion or whatever to do it and she says ok.... if he helps them escape, and he says "a girl lacks honor" and she just shrugs like welcome to the streets nigga whatup punk and he gives in lmao this character is such a living meme
then at night Tyrion is having dinner with Cersei who calls his new squire an "odd little boy", which he says he has an affinity for, and she says "you and Varys both" lmao literally ye olde pizzagate conspiracy theory and he tries to banter about her cooking or lack thereof but Cersei isn't in the mood and says "I hear Joffrey is planning on fighting" and Tyrion starts joking about how he'll be an inspiration in his shining armor, so I guess she means literally fighting himself not just staying to order the holding of the city, but Tyrion says he's old enough since he's 17 and younger boys are going to fight for him, oh I thought he was meant to be like 13, ok then he definitely is a fucking weirdo incel lmao, they really cast someone who looks inbred well here lmao, but Cersei knows his place isn't on the battlefield and Tyrion says "or on the throne" and his squire looks scared at the ground like he hopes to fuck Cersei doesn't have him killed for hearing this frank talk so it doesn't leak and Cersei's like "you think I'm stupid" and Tyrion says "no I think you have above average intelligence" lmao I can see why redditors like him because he talks almost entirely in the witticisms of a man(let) enlightened by his own euphoric intelligence[ and she says almost excited like she hopes is true so she has the justification to fuck his shit up that he sent away her daughter and wants to send his oldest son into battle to die and Tyrion, probably actually at the stage where he figures it'd be better if his nephew just got killed one way or another so the situation would then be the younger boy being King and a regent would be appointed that he's probably angling to be what with being the current Kings Hand or even if it was his sister pulling the strings they'd at least have someone who's not an demented incel in charge, and he minimizes it saying he'll have his kingsguard protecting him and the finest armor and the men will fight more fiercely with him by their side and Cersei can tell where he got this idea from and asks "do you know why Varys is so dangerous?" and Tyrion says "because he has thousands of spies in his employ, because he knows everything we do before we do it" like its obvious but Cersei says BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE A COCK (oh so she knows that and its not just his balls missing?) and Tyrion whispers loudly NEITHER DO YOU lmaoooo Cersei cis or post-op confirmed and Cersei grits her teeth like she hates being a woman but at least she's not a brainlet male and hisses "and perhaps I am dangerous, you, on the other hand, are as big a fool as every other man, that little WORM between your legs does half your thinking" and Tyrion says exactly what I'd write him to say "it's not that little" as he sips his drink like he doesn't give AF and Cersei laughs not his joke but as if she thinks its pathetic of course that's the thing he'd rush to defend tags: incest, femdom, SPH
and Tyrion gets freaked out seeing his miserable cunt sister giggly for once and asks "why are you smiling?" and she says "because I'm happy" and Tyrion's like "and why are you happy" and Cersei sits down next to him and drops the bombshell BECAUSE I HAVE YOUR LITTLE WHORE and Tyrion bricks it but tries to play it cool and just fires back "thought you preferred blonds" in reference to her fucking half her blond male family members lmao and she just says in a sing song voice "such a droll little fellow, tell me, have you married this one yet? no? good, father will be so pleased" as she smirks at him with that malevolent look in her eyes as Tyrion tries to keep his face from tripping him and asks defensively "why do you care who I fuck?" and Cersei does the meme "because a Lannister always pays her debts, you sent my only daughter away, plan to have my son killed" and Tyrion realizes she thinks they're in some autistic tit for tat battle when he's trying to keep the city standing and says "this is madness, Stannis will be here in days, you need me" hoping to get her off it for his cags sake and Cersei just mocks "for what? your skill in battle?!" and stares him down with no response so she starts gearing up the edge saying "pretty thing, your whore, lovely body, the bruises will heal in time" with venom as if she hates other women as much as men and Tyrion struggles to hide his fear and asks "where did you find her?" and she just says "Varys isn't the only one that hears whispers... really, a Lannister lion necklace? you need to hide your secret WHORES more secretly" and Tyrion says "you forgot the most important thing about whores" and she can see where he's going already and says "oh you're the expert tell me" lmaoooooooo and he says "you don't buy them, you only rent them" and she looks at him like it's amusing how pathetically shit a job he's doing pretending not to care and tells him "you're usually a better liar baby brother, this one you like, you like her very much, could it be love?" and looks at him with a fucked up malicious version of an older sisters gossipy teasing and she says "don't worry, she'll be treated gently enough, unless Joffrey is hurt, then every wound he suffers she'll suffer too, and if he dies? there isn't a man alive who could devise a more painful death for your little CUNT" and then gives a hungry grin like it's so deeply gratifying to have this man who tries to control her life by the, well, balls, I really have some bad taste in women since Cersei just became like twice as attractive to me lmao, >tfw no gf for Cersei to threaten to torture to death, and Tyrion struggles to keep his poker face from entirely crumbling and tries to keep his head in the game and asks the ol meme "how do I know you haven't killed her already?" and Cersei taunts in a playful voice "would you like to see her? I thought you might... Ser Mandon bring in my brothers whoooore" and her personal guard goes out and Tyrion, breathing heavy and looking like he's about to vomit, turns around to see the guards bringing in... ROS? I think that's who that is, and I guess I forgot that the necklace she wears that Theon gave her, no, wait, it wasn't him, she told him that Tyrion gave it to her right, and she's just there by coincidence or like realized that's where the real money is, I forget, did Tyrion give a necklace to the new cag too? anyway nice reveal that would have been better if I could remember who half of these hundreds of fucking characters were
and she's got a bloody lip and a black eye but is otherwise not too badly roughed up, and Tyrion realizes his luck and plays along saying "I'm sorry they hurt you, you must be brave, I promise I will free you" and takes her hand trying to signal for her to keep playing along, and Ros, probably catching on that they think she means a lot more to him than she does already and figuring Cersei would whack her if she found out she isn't the main course has probably already been playing along and tells him "don't forget about me" before being escorted back out, and Tyrion tries to hide his relief and keep his face tripping with dread again and Cersei just has this huge cunty grin on her face and Tyrion goes full edge and says "I'll hurt you for this, a day will come when you think you're safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth, and you will know the debt is paid" and Cersei just smiles to him and whispers "get...... out" and when he leaves her smile fades a bit as she worries what he might do but then smiles again as if she thinks it's all worth it just to feel the pleasure of putting the fear of god into him at the moment ooh what a cunt I love it
then we see Tyrion foolishly rushing back to his room and yelling Shae! super loud, yeah real good at keeping secrets mate, and when she appears he tells her "you're beautiful" as he's so relieved she's ok and he gets down on his knees as she sits on the bed and tells her she needs to be more careful since there's people who want to hurt him, and she promises to cut off their faces as if she doesn't know how serious it is and he tells her "I'd kill for you, you know that? I expect I'll have to before this is over.... you're mine" and he starts to cry as he says "promise me" as if he can't go through all this just to have another hooker lover who cuckolds him and she says "I'm yours and you are mine" and holds him close, this would probably be a good time to, you know, fucking tell her what just happened and how she needs to leave the city ASAP because his sadistic cunt sister wants to murder her and they're about to get siege'd in about a day anyway but like Cersei says his cock does half the thinking and wants her close
then we see the edgy skinning clan guy telling Robb there's no responses from the ravens they've sent to Winterfell but promises his bastard will save them as Robb fumes about if Theon hurts his brothers and he says to send another raven saying any ironborn that surrenders can return home, and the edgy clan guy is about to recommend not having too much mercy, but then Robb says "any ironborn with the exception of Theon Greyjoy" because he personally wants his head and the edgy clan guy says he figures his countrymen will turn him in the second they hear the offer and then the boring nurse lady we're on a ticking clock until she betrays him comes in and his general guy leaves again as if she's so important and asks how he's doing and he starts listing off all his problems lmao and she says sorry for asking and they have yet another conversation about him not wanting to be King and she talks about not wanting her life as a Lady either and tells a story that gets some rare musical score at the end about knowing she wanted to be a doctor and would object to slavery when witnessing a slave (who had a fish tattoo on his face so people know his slave job without even having to talk to them which might come up later) using mouth to mouth to save her brother from drowning as a little girl and halfway through the story Robb is tensing up as if he's executing some horrible edgy shit to happen but it's actually a happy ending (which is how I can tell it's BULLSHIT, I swear I haven't read any spoilers, but its just very obvious that this girls too good to be true and is a spy lmao) and Robb immediately bolts up and says "I don't want to marry that girl" and starts making out with her and they strip off each others clothes and start making love on the floor yyyyup shes a spy since it's our first sex scene that's meant to be nice and romantic and isn't some sad scene of whoring or rape and this show needs to be edge 24/7
then back with Arya the fat kid is prattling on about food again (which is apparently the most major theme of the books left out, fatass GRRM likes to meticulously describe what food someone is eating every change he gets lul) as Arya and Gentry discuss being told to wait by the gate by the edgy assassin guy when she suddenly realizes whats going on and approaches the gate much to the shock of the boys... only to find the guards posted there are dead and have been literally posted in their position by the edgy guy so they seem at watch from afar and they're able to just walk out the front door
then on Stannis' main ship we see some men testing these huge catapults they have at the front as he compliments Davos about how he retook the meme people say about him being the Onion Knight to be his sigil and flag and Davos jokes "my son wishes I'd change it, three mermen with tridents, something like that" which even gets a tiny laugh out of the usually humorless Stannis and he tries to tell him not to let the highborn families look down on him because they weren't the real heroes of the war against the Mad King like they were and Davos tries to defend ol King Rob but Stannis is still butthurt about even Renly being given rewards despite not fighting a day in his life and Stannis goes on an edgy rant about how his war wasn't so glorious and in a siege they had to eat the horses and then the cats and then the dogs and then the rats and his wife was so sick he thought she'd die but then Davos someone smuggled his onions through the battle lines and after all that his brother gave fucking Renly that castle after it was all over, and he promises Davos he'll be his right hand when he's king, who gets down on his knees in gratitude, I can see why Stannis is so popular (with the more autistic part of the fanbase) now since he's so straight forward and dutiful while every other character is some dishonest little schemer or self-doubting moron who gets rused constantly
then back in Kingslanding the soldiers are all getting ready as Joffrey storms about with Varys and Tyrion behind him with him bitching at them for not giving them enough intel and Varys says he hasn't heard from his "little birds" since Theon took Winterfell, maybe implying those two orphan boys were in his employ, and Joffrey says they need to strike at the Starks now because his fucking epic masterplan is to simply go meet his uncle when he makes landfall, which I thought he meant like convince him to team-up with him and just be a happy family, but when Tyrion says "I'm sure you're men will be right behind you" hoping this dickhead goes and gets himself killed Joffrey says "they say Stannis never smiles... I'll give him a red smile! from ear to ear" and shows off his fancy golden sword, wow edgy
and Varys bows to him as he struts off but then looks at Tyrion like what a fuckin shit show m8 and Tyrion says "I wish we could converse as two honest intelligent men" and Varys just cocks his head and says "I wish we could too" as he knows Tyrion's a sneaky cunt who cant be trusted... and one who knows full well he is too and Tyrion remembering what his sister said and probably figuring they'll all die soon anyway just straight up asks Varys "what do you want? tell me" and Varys bends down and says condescendingly "if we're going to play, you'll have to start" as if to say his battle of wills mindgames have to be a bit more complex than that so Tyrion accepts his mental jousting offer and starts talking about Jaime being the youngest kingsguard in history, his sister became queen at 19 but when he became a man his father put him in charge of all the drains and cisterns in Casterly Rock lmaoooo and Varys is like "a most highborn plumber" and as if wanting to give Tyrion a little boost in their game and just hurry him along to the next stage cuts him off from his sad life story he's trying to make himself seem more depressed than he actually is Varys just gets to his point for him and says "you're quite good at being the Hand, Jon Arryn and Ned Stark were good men, honerable men, but they destained the game and those who play it, you enjoy the game" and Tyrion admits "I do... last thing I expected, I'd like to keep playing it" and he brings up Stannis impending invasion and Varys says "they say he burns his enemies alive to honor the Lord of Light" and Tyrion asks "why are all the gods such vicious cunts? where's the god of tits and wine" lmaoo and Varys jokes about fertility goddess with 16 teets and Tyrion recommends sailing there immediately lis and then gets awkward as he remembers Varys wouldn't be interested and might read that as a jib but Varys just smiles pleasantly as he's too good at reading people and then tells him as if setting him another riddle "the other day I heard a song, all the way from Qarth beyond the Red Waste, Daenarys Targeryan lives!" and tells him that in a few years her dragons will be fully grown and then there will be nowhere to hide and Tyrion signs "one game at a time my friend" yeah don't skip all the way to season 7 mate
then speaking of a shit storyline no one wants to hear about we see Dany peering through some planks of wood and Jorah warns her "Xaro owns this city and the warlocks have a thousand eyes watching you" and offers to just leave on a ship already but Dany has a fit about leaving the dragons and Jorah tries to reason with her that they're not LITERALLY her children but she tells him to leave on his own and Jorah gets his fucking white knight on saying "you know I'd die for you!" so she orders him to take her to the House of the Undying to rescue the dragons but Jorah says that's what the AIDS dude wants and his magic is too powerful and Dany proposes what about her magic, yeah her amazing powers of not being flammable, brilliant, and Jorah says some sad shit about how he'll remember her stepping into the fire until the day he dies, and she finally realizes she can get this sad sack orbiter to do whatever she wants and puts her hand on his face and says they ARE her children and are the only ones she'll ever have (accidentally confirming to him he'll never be her husband I guess or she thinks she's barren now or something from her wacky magical abortion) and orders him to take her to see them and he nods like the soyboy cuck he is
then back at Winterfell we edgily pan past the burnt zoomer corpse I'm sure some idiot out there thought was the Stark boys to see Theon staring at it edgily and he tells his first mate they should bury them but he says it sends a good message and Theon hands him some gold to compensate the farmer (and try to calm his guilt) but the first mate says his troubles are over now and the teacher guy spots... the wildling lady sneaking back into the castle to steal a loaf of bread, so maybe they didn't even go to that farm for help if they are coming back to steal food, and the teacher guy walks over to the burnt dead body and I guess clicks that it's not his boys, then we see the in what I guess is meant to be le ebin big twist even though it's blatantly obviously what happened at the moment of the reveal of the bodies the wildling lady lighting a castle as her voice over explains to the teacher guy they doubled back from the farm, using a river to throw off the hounds and figured the family crypt would be the last place they'd look for them and he tells her those two boys strung up must be the farmers boys, yeah dddddddddduuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh, and she realizes Theon tried to pass them off as the Stark boys, ok, since it was so obviously not them I missed the possible importance of Theon lying it's them since I thought it was fucking obvious and public knowledge it was the farmers orphan boys since he never says like behold the Stark boys or anything, maybe there's some shit going on where like Theon.... lied it was the Stark boys to let the Stark boys get away? but all his men must know too unless he personally killed and burned those kids, anyway then the wildling girl and the teacher agree not to tell the boys about it and we pan the camera to see... BRAN AND HIS BROTHER ARE ALIVE AND WELL WITH HODOR wow what an amazing reveal that I'd been assuming was the case all episode nice one, but this makes me realize that I misread even another element of this because this dumb show honestly thought we were going to think those lads were the Starks where Theon looks all insecure maybe that was just that he's scared of being caught lying, presumably not to his men but to the people he's trying to control by fear that he'd even do this to another Kings kids so there's no limits on what he'll do to a commoner or something, idk shit storyline for the sake of a dumb twist
Game of Thrones 2x09: "Blackwater"
no, not the PMC that's been renamed several times after too many war crimes special edition
First aired: May 27, 2012
on Stannises's' ship we see Davos looking out at their fleet as the man himself actually does have a small smile on his face for once as they get closer and closer and we see inside one of the ships we get a sort of ye olde Saving Private Landing D-Day landing inside the troop transport scene as all these men are looking scared af with one slumped against the wall, one shaking, one staring off into thin air and one gets up and throws up in a big barrel they have in the centre that looks like it's being used just for that purpose and Davos talks to his son about how he spent all his life dodging the royal fleet but now they're going to be the royal fleet and his son tries to convert him to islam again and Davos leaves out that now he knows for a fact his religion is real lmao and talks about how taking Kingslanding wont be so easy even with their superior numbers but his son says he has faith in god... and him... aww... yep hes dead af
then we see Tyrion in bed with his cag, who's relationship I hope is meant to seem weird and forced on purpose and is just Tyrions extreme mommy issues of the never met her variety showing since he fell madly in love with her within like one night of meeting her, but he cant sleep and is just staring at the ceiling with the same creepy sound of the wind slowly whistling in the background that we got on Stannis ship as if the dread of war effects people on both sides, and he talks to her about how Stannis is going to burn every Lannister he can find and the cag says she wont let them hurt him which is a actually a cute thing that the woman feels protective over her man and it works and doesn't feel forced since yeah dude's like 3 feet tall and this woman probably could protect him better than he could himself but Tyrion warns her he doesn't have a choice in all this because of his family but its not her problem but she says "it is now" ok another romance that's too good to be true in this setting I'm sure she's Cersei's spy or some shit from the get-go and she gets ontop of him and he says "you cant fuck your way out of every problem" and she says "I have so far" yeah I'm guessing she got into some sort of trouble in like CIA's brothel and the only way to pay off her debt was to do this mission for Cersei and seduce her brother, and she says she's going to do the meme from the tent again and make love to him like it's the last day on this earth
and then we see Cersei looking out a window with the same creepy wind blowing sound effect going on as Pycelle tries to offer her his council but Cersei can't be bothered with his reminiscing about all the Kings he's served and just tells him to give her what he's brought, and he hands over a vile of nightshade, 1 drop will calm someone down, 3 will put someone into a deep sleep... and 10 drops... and he goes to ask what it's for but she refuses and sends him away, I'm guessing this is her ye olde cyanide capsule so she cant get captured by Stannis or any of her enemies in the city who'd defect to him but I guess the kino twist will come in where it turns out that it's actually for her sons to mercy kill them and she doesn't care what happens to her or something or maybe she's just going to poison Tyrion so she gets to kill him herself lmao
then under the city we see Bronn and the rest of the city guard getting drunk with cags over and singing songs to have one last night of good life before the battle and outside the room there's a little wicker doll of a lynched man that I guess represents what they'll do to their enemies/traitors/cowards but it reminds me of those burnt orphan boys and Bronn's cag tries to flirt with him by asking how many times hes broken his nose and he lists his mother smacking him with an iron poker when he was 5 when trying to hit his LITTLE brother, then when he was 9 he fought some older boys and the third time... but he sees this naked cags lovely body and trails off and says "don't feel too sorry for my nose, he'll be half way up your arse before the nights through" lmao and all his men laugh
but then the mood is instantly killed by The Hound and a Lannister soldier walking in and Bronn tries to play nice by offering to buy them a round but they ignore him and both pour their drink down their mouth as if getting ready for a fight and Bronn just smiles to The Hound like he wont wan know trouble but knows he'll start something and The Hound asks "you think you're a hard man" and Bronn chuckles and says "I know it" and his men chortle as he pats the sexy cag on his lap he's referring to as making him a "hard man" and The Hound, who based on how power levels work in this show must be an handholdless kissless wizard incel just stares completely unamused around the room at all these fucking Chads trying to hold in going REEEEEEE and Bronn points out how nice and warm it is in here, with lovely women and lots of ale, and all The Hound wants is to put them in the cold ground where there's no women for company as all his men nod that The Hound is being unreasonable coming down there throwing shade and The Hound growls OH, THERE'S WOMEN IN THE GROUND, I PUT SOME THERE MYSELF lmao he is an incel and Bronn looks around like wtf is this dudes problem but The Hound goes on AND SO HAVE YOU, YOU LIKE FUCKING AND DRINKING AND SINGING... BUT KILLING... KILLINGS THE THING YOU LOVE, YOU'RE JUST LIKE ME and Bronn tries to keep looking incredulous like this dude's the psycho not him but The Hound stands up and says ONLY SMALLER and walks straight up to Bronn who just jokes "but I'm quicker, eh!" but this time his men don't respond since they know The Hound could merc all of them and he just says "your Lord Imp's going to miss you" and stands there staring blankly at him like an absolute autist and Bronn realizes it's go time and stands up, says "aye, I expect he will some day" and puts his hand subtly on his dagger on his lower back waiting for this guy to make one inch towards him and The Hound sways in place as if he knows exactly what Bronn's doing and is ready for it
but then THE BELL ANNOUNCING THE INVASION RINGS and all the men brick it and start downing their drink as fast as they can and rushing out and Bronn just smiles at The Hound and asks "one more drink before the war? shall we?" and The Hound doesn't respond in any way and just walks off, I liked that little juxtaposition of how these two different men handle a life of being extremely proficient at violence, which you'd think would be empowering of this world of might makes right but they're still one guy at the end of the day and it just means more powerful people want their skills one way or another, and while Bronn is a typical jack the lad who just brushes off everything as a joke and pretends he's completely neutral and just doing a job The Hound is closer to honest about how miserable this lifestyle is by having the at least a more directly relating to violence coping mechanism of just loving the bloodshed as that's the only point of enjoying in his pathetic life of being abused by everyone who should appreciate him rather than having Bronn's layers off "its just a laugh lol"/"its just a job lol"/"im a real man lol" kind of reminds me of kind of reminds me of the similar themes in Apocalypse Now of how you first meet Lietenant Kilgore who treats war like one big fun game before you meet Colonel Kurtz who completely accepts the horrifying nature of warfare and is more proficient at it accordingly
then we cut to Varys hearing the bells saying how he always hated them as they ring for horrible things like "a dead king or a city siege" and Tyrion, getting his armor strapped onto him, adds "a wedding" and Varys sighs and says "exactly!" lol I guess even he can only take so much social nicety bullshit and Varys says his squire "Brodrick, is that it?" and Tyrion's about to fucking die being a dwarf in a war so calls Varys out and says ""is that it?", nice touch, as if you don't know the name of every boy in town" throwing some shade of the ye olde pizzagate allegations against Varys who pretends to be all offended and says "I'm not exactly sure what you're suggesting" and Tyrion cuts through his passive aggressive bullshit by saying "I'm entirely sure you're entirely sure what I'm suggesting" as if taking the piss out of how Varys conducts himself in such an underhanded sneaky manner and as if Tyrion's method of manipulation, of using the truth to gain leverage over others, can cut straight through Varys more dishonest stealthy method of manipulation, where he uses the power of suggestion to subtly implant ideas in others they might not even realize are from him, and Varys perks up as if he can see Tyrion has indeed started playing his game and fires up the ol implications and asks "do you trust him?" and Tyrion looks at his squire and says "oddly enough I do" and Varys says "good" probably to put a little seed of doubt in Tyrion's head as if that's what Varys wants him to think and to remind him he can get intel from anyone in the city never mind his squire who's there in all his arguments with his sister about private matters but also to move the conversation on where he puts down an old secret map Tyrion asks for showing the 50 miles of tunnels underneath the city built by the Targaryan's to "facilitate escape" as Varys puts it with a furtive look but Tyrion insists "I'm not escaping" and says he's going down with the ship and Varys gives a cheeky "that's good to hear" as if it'd benefit him for Tyrion to not be around anymore but then he sassily says "though I'm sure many captains say the same while their ship is afloat" and Tyrion doesn't bother to hide how scared he is and Varys doesn't want him to completely pussy out and to actually flee I guess because he starts bigging him up saying he looks fit for battle and for all their sakes is, and he brings up the Red Lady but Tyrion doesn't believe in "the old powers" and since as Varys says "I think you believe in what you see" or as the internet would say is a tip tip euphoric le logical atheist even though he believes magic dragons exist and Varys adds "and what those you trust have seen, and you don't entirely trust me?" and Tyrion just goes "eh, don't take it personally, I don't entirely trust myself" and Varys starts playing shook to try and get Tyrion to take the Red Lady seriously by saying "and yet I have seen things, and heard things, things you have not, things I wish I had not... I don't believe I've ever told you how I was cut" and the squire gets awkward and Tyrion looks at Varys like he genuinely feels sorry for him but knows he's well beyond looking for compassion so says "no I don't believe you have" as if it's just another bit of trivia and Varys says "perhaps one day I shall" implying that maybe he was castrated for some sort of black magic ritual, nice metaphor for americans being circumcised
and Varys talks about how Stannis becoming king while in service to such dark powers is the worst thing he can think of and he seems to mean it which would be a bit hypocritical since he's probably arranging for Dany and her dragons to invade Westeros, but maybe this angle is he's arranging for Westeros to be powerful enough to survive not only the coming winter but the White Walkers, and maybe they originate from dark magic that would corrupt everyone if they tried to use that to beat them so it'd be pointless or something like that, and Varys tells Tyrion that tonight he's the only man who can stop him as his squire hands him and axe and Tyrion looks down at it like uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck, as always idk what Varys angle is here maybe he's just trying to get Tyrion to get himself killed or maybe he really does want him to stop Stannis, but something tells me it'd be Tyrion's planning abilities that stop him, not him personally fighting with an axe which someone should really tell him not to bother with lis and just keep himself alive, but I guess he's feeling all manly and heroic thanks to his cag, maybe the reason why someone else probably set them up
then outside we see the bell ringer looking out at Stannis fleet appearing out of the pitch black mist and on the lead ship Devos' son says "they're welcoming their new king!" but Davos knows it ain't that easy and gives the order for them to play some music back with their war drums and ALL THE BOATS START UP THEIR LIT RAP BATTLE BEATS and Stannis looks out with a tiny tortured smile as if this is the closest thing he gets to a joyful day seeing his war plans come together
and we cut to Tyrion trying to talk to Bronn about his plan but he wont listen and asks him if he's ever used his axe and he says "I chopped wood once... no I watched my brother chop wood once" lmao but Bronn cheers him up by saying "I saw you kill a man with a shield once, you'll be unstoppable with an axe" and Tyrion grabs his hand as if he's scared to leave his side but says "don't get killed my friend" and Bronn lets him hold on a bit since he's softer than he'd admit but then chides him for calling him a friend and they have some banter back and fourth to alleviate Tyrion's anxiety and then he sees Sansa and Shae and pretends not to know Shae and asks why they're not with the other posh totty and she says trying to hide her disgust that Joffrey called for her to see him off and speak of the devil Joffrey, who's quite the manlet for a 17 year old, comes strutting out with The Hound beside him and his other six personal kingsguard and hollers for Sansa who tells Tyrion "I'll pray for your safe return m'lord, just as I do the kings" implying she hopes he fucking dies too and Tyrion looks like "ugh, typical" that the woman he's been trying to protect has bought into the fake news that he's as bad as the rest of them but then gets a wee smile as he figures it's probably for the best she doesn't trust anyone in this fucked up city and under their breath him and Shae wish each other farewell and Joffrey, extremely edgily, draws his new sword "hearteater" as he's named it and tells Sansa she should kiss it good luck and she looks like what the fuck is this cringy shit and Joffrey insists "kiss it" so she bends down and cuts the sword, half looking like she's expecting him to slit her throat as she does, in a very sexual act that's almost like Joffrey's fucked up version of receiving oral sex, and Joffrey cranks up the edgy by saying "you'll kiss it again when I return, AND KISS MY UNCLES BLOOD!"
and Sansa hides her disgust by asking if he'll kill him himself, and Joffrey says "if he's foolish enough to come near me" and then Sansa perks up when she realizes "so you'll be outside fighting with the vanguard?" hoping he's in as much danger as possible but then Joffrey gets flustered and spurts out "a king doesn't discuss battle plans with stupid girls!" lmao literally The Incel King and Sansa, loving that he's clearly insecure about his battle worthiness and thus easy to egg on comes to life for the first time in months and gushes "oh I'm sorry my grace, you're right, I am stupid, of course you'll be in the vanguard!" and Joffrey looks at her in half disgust as always but also half surprise like he's falling for it that she's have faith in his bravery but when Sansa says "my brother always goes where the battle is the thickest, and he's only a pretender" he gets shook that he'll look like a right twat if he bottles it now and tries to big himself up by declaring "your brothers turn will come... and you can lick his blood off hearteater too!" probably too dumb to catch on shes manipulating him but is still angry at her for making him feel insecure and he marches out with his crew and Shae says "some of those boys will never come back" but Sansa says "Joffrey will, the worse ones always live" knowing she ain't that lucky and Shae shushes her for talking shit about the king even in an empty throne room and takes her off to relative safety
and then outside we see loads of soldiers mounting defences on the castle walls and civilians fleeing in terror as Joffrey and his crew, now joined by Lancel, step out into the streets and Joffrey is immediately shook by all the carts racing past and civvies huddling their children as he realizes this is the big boy shit now and they climb up the stairs to join Tyrion and his poor squire but Lancel realizes... "where's our fleet?" and Tyrion assures "they're on their way" and Joffrey hops on the spot impatiently and whines "why aren't they here now? they're coming!" and Tyrion doesn't even reply as his mind is going a mile a minute doing all the battle calculations and Joffrey gurns "Hound, tell the Hand his King has asked him a question", actually calling him by his more dignified nickname rather than the usual dog betraying that he's probably only got the balls to go out there with his best bodyguard protecting him, and The Hound half heartidly says "the king has asked you a question" as if he can barely keep pretending to respect Joffrey since they'll all probably be dead soon and Tyrion as if replying to a reddit pun-chain says "Ser Lancel, tell the Hound to tell the King that the Hand is extremely busy" and Lancel actually awkwardly says "uh The Hand of the King would like me to tell you to tell the king-" like the beta he is since he's gotten so used to doing whatever Tyrion tells him to do but Joffrey cuts him off hissing "if I tell the Hound to cut you in half he'd do it without a seconds thought!" and Tyrion gives the amazing reddit pun "that would make me the quartnerman, just doesn't have the same ring to it" and rubs it in that Joffrey needs him to stand a chance of keeping his head which he doesn't even say shit back to since he knows it's true
and on Stannis lead ship Davos asks his son where their ships are, and his son thinks they were wise to attack at night and took them by surprise, but Davos ain't buying it as "Lord Varys knows what you had for breakfast three days ago, there are no surprises here" uh oh spaghettios and they look out at the fires starting up through the mist on the castles walls
and then in the posh totty vault Cersei arrives with her youngest son and Sansa tells Shae she doesn't understand why Cersei let her be there since she hates her and Shae hits the nail on the head and says she's just jealous and then Cersei calls Sansa over getting her creeper vibes on saying "ah little dove, you look pale child... is your red flower still blooming?" knowing how much Sansa hates being of age and then says "funny isn't it, men will bleed out there and you will bleed in here" as if she's rubbing in that Sansa has to suffer through the requirements of womanhood like her now and Cersei pressures her to drink wine and when Sansa asks what Ser Ilyn, the executioner who I guess is loyal to the Lannister family, is doing there and Cersei says the guards they have paid will be the first ones out the door when the enemy comes and a guard arrives to tell her that they caught some staff trying to escape with some gold cups and Cersei orders Ser Ilyn to put their heads on pikes outside the stables as a warning, edgy, nice, and she tells Sansa keeping your people more afraid of you than the enemy is the only way to maintain control and says with a shiteating grin "if you ever hope to become queen" as if the descent into barbarism is another part of her horrible life she gets to inflict on Sansa
then on the castle walls our heroes, well, hero and anti-hero and shitheads, start to hear the ships war drums and everyone tenses up and Tyrion orders his archers to their marks, to knock their arrows and hold fast and Joffrey has a fit about how they need to attack them NOW but Tyrion ignores him and orders "boulders ready!" as men put huge rocks onto their catapults and Joffrey looks out to sea and sees their navy sailing out to attack... and he bricks it when he notices "there's only one ship? where are the rest of them? WHERE ARE THE REST OF THEM?!" and Tyrion stares out stone faced and on Stannis lead ship Davos son is like "there's only one ship?" and Davos bricks it knowing something is up, and I can see where this is fucking going oh my oh my here comes the CGI budget bois and he orders his archers to man the bow... knock... draw... and hoooold... and his men also arm these huge war crossbows as the ONE Lannister ship approaches and it gets close enough for Davos to see "there's no one on board"... it's just drifting over there with rope tied to it's wheel to keep it sailing straight like the gag from action movies they do with cars and Tyrion sees the creepy old alchemist guy creeping up behind him and he offers Tyrion a flaming torch and Davos son watches as the one empty enemy ship all his men are keeping aim at drifts past them but Davos notices... there's some sort of green liquid leaking from the ship and filling the water behind it.... and he realzies "wildfire!" and orders his men to steer clear and Tyrion throws his torch what looks like miles away I guess signalling the other archers or something or its some flaming thing falling off a wall a mile away idk what that was about and kind of killed the pacing of the scene lmao nice one but then Bronn lights his arrow from the torch on the ground maybe what Tyrion dropped idk confusing thing and he looks at Tyrion to make sure he's sure and then pulls back... takes aim...
and releases the flaming arrow which flies straight over the ship Davos is on into the green liquid.... igniting a huge green fire that spreads its way to Tyrion's ship... and Davos yells to his son MATTHOS! GET DOWN!!
OH SHIT!!!!! THE SHIP EXPLODES IN A MASSIVE GREEN EXPLOSION BLASTING HIS SON AWAY
AND BLOWING DAVOS OFF THE SHIP AND ENGULFING A DOZEN OF HIS SHIPS IN A COLOSSAL GREEN FIREBALL
SO BRIGHT TYRION AND JOFFREY HAVE TO LOOK AWAY AND THE ALCHEMIST RUBS HIS HANDS LIKE A JEW AS HIS WORK COMES TO FRUITION
AND THE HOUND STARES THE DEATHS OF THOUSANDS OF MEN HEAD ON RECOILING AT THE BLINDINGLY BEAUTIFUL HORROR
AND BRONN LOOKS OUT IN AMAZEMENT AS THE FIRE RIPS THROUGH THE OTHER BOATS SETTING MEN ON FIRE FORCING THEM TO JUMP OVERBOARD
BUT THE VERY SEA ITSELF IS BURNING AND A HUGE MUSHROOM CLOUD FORMS OVER THE RUINED FLEET
WITH FLAMING SHRAPNEL THAT GOT BLOWN INTO THE AIR RAINING DOWN ON THE SHIPS FURTHER OUT SETTING THEM ON GREEN FIRE TOO
WITH THE CREW SCREAMING IN TERROR AS IT STARTS EATING THEIR SHIPS APART CAUSING THE LUCKY ONES TO DIVE INTO THE WATER
WHILE THEIR FRIENDS GET HIT WITH FLAMING WRECKAGE AND BURN ALIVE SCREECHING LIKE NEDM'D CATS
AND TYRION LOOKS AT THE ALCHEMIST WHO JUST CHUCKLES WITH A BIG GRIN ON HIS FACE LMAOOOO
AND JOFFREYS GOT A HUGE SMILE OF RELIEF AND WONDER ON HIS FACE AS THEY ALL LOOK OUT
TO SEE THE FLEET SINKING AS THE SCREAMS OF MEN BEING ROASTED ALIVE FLOAT OVER THE OCEAN
and Stannis who I guess was on another ship looks out at the ships collapsing into the sea and grits his teeth to bear the screams of his men screaming for help but then orders his men to make land, and his lieutenant guy tries to dissuade him but Stannis says "the dwarf has played his little trick, he can only do it once" IDK he probably has some more on stand-by and the lieutenant begs "hundreds will die" but Stannis corrects "thousands" like that's just war innit mate and throws his cloak off as he climbs down amongst his men ready to fight himself and yells to them "COME WITH ME AND TAKE THIS CITY!" before clambering down onto a rowboat as his men cheer in support, ok that was very visually stunning and had some good character beats like Stannis maintaining his stiff upper lip and carrying on, Tyrion's looks of fear and sadness as he's had to kill all those people, Joffrey getting a taste for war but only if he's winning and The Hound being the only one other than the senile old coot not to close his eyes as he's been comprehending the horrific nature of war without looking away all his life but this kinda reminds me of The Last Jedi where Admiral SJW does the lightspeed ramming meme, like if this extremely powerful manoeuvre exists in this setting why doesn't everyone do it constantly lmao, I guess the excuse could be it requires rare ingredients but it seemed to be more these dumbasses who obviously live in a world of magic don't think it exists
then in the posh totty vault there is a jester trying to keep the worrying children happy with juggling much to Cersei's resting cunt facedness and she looks over and sees Sansa preying with some other young girls and can't be having any of that finding inner peace malarky in her presence so calls her over and drunkenly asks what she's doing, and when she says "preying" Cersei gets triggered like an r/atheism poster and says "you're just perfect aren't you, preying? what are you preying for?" and Sansa sya "for the gods to have mercy" and Cersei cheekily says "even me?" and Sansa says "of course your grace" and Cersei jabs "even Joffrey" knowing Sansa cant even say that with a straight face and when she tries to come up with something she cuts her off snapping "oh shut up you little fool" completely fucking sizzled to the point of having one eye drooping closed lmao and she mocks her ""ooh preying to the gods to have mercy for us all" - the gods have no mercy, that's why they're gods" edgy I like it, I guess that's her version of theology where that's how even deities have to attain and maintain power, and she says "my father told me that when he caught me praying" after her mother died.... when she was 4... more great parenting from Tywin, and Sansa is surprised to hear Tywin is a euphoric atheist but Cersei says "oh he believes in them, he just doesn't like them very much" very edgy and then as if finding one more thing she hates about herself to force onto Cersei she insists she start drinking wine with her, making sure she does it fast enough to get as fucked up as her, and tells her "I should have been born a man" inb4 legions of tumblr retards saying this means she's actually a transman, her reasoning being "I would rather face a thousand swords than be shut up inside with this flock of frightened hens" as if they're all scared of what she's already been suffering most of her life (having to fuck men they'd rather not) and Sansa talks back saying she invited them there and Cersei whines "it was eeexpeeeected of me, as it will be of you if you ever become Joffrey's queen" and mocks how IF they win these women will be praising her publically, and Sansa asks "if the city should fall?" oh I feel some edge coming and Cersei growls "you'd like that wouldn't you?" and reveals her gameplan to personally yield to Stannis at the city gates since "I might have hoped for a private audience but this is Staaaannis Baratheooooon, I'd have better luck seducing his horse" aha! another man who maintains a high power level by thot patrolling, but he betrayed his volcel ways by fucking the Red Lady and now he has a smoke monster for a bastard, really makes ya think, and Sansa just stares awkwardly at her as she memes about fucking a horse and she says with a grin "have I shocked you, little dove?" honestly I was expecting an edgy story about how another city got seiged and all the women were gangraped for weeks or some Rape of Nankin shit and she adds "tears aren't *gives fake sniffle* a woman's only weapon... the best ones between your legs... learn how to use it... drink!" which Sansa awkwardly does and then oooh here we fucking go Cersei asks "do you have any notion what happens when a city is sacked?" and a nervous Sansa doesn't reply so Cersei obnoxiously goes on "noooo you wouldn't would you? IF the city falls, these fine women.... SHOULD BE IN FOR A BIT OF A RAPE!" and she says this loudly enough for the whole room to hear, lmao I love Cersei and I wish I was Jaime so bad (who am I kidding I'd be Lancel (who still gets to fuck her so fine by me))
and Shae looks at her trying to hide her scolding like how dare she scare everyone about something only the two of them really know about but she goes on "half of them will have bastards in their bellies come the morning" and when she turns on Sansa, I guess commenting on how she cant get pregnant right now, "you'll be glad of your red flower then, when a man's blood is up anything with tits looks good, a precious thing like you will look very very good, a slice of cake just waiting to be eaten!" probably knowing full well Sansa suffered an attempted rape a few days ago, no fucking wonder Joffrey is such an incel rofl, ooh I love what a cunt Cersei is, if I was in an isekai (most pathetic genre of anime (which is really saying something) where a usually NEET gamer is transported to a usually medieval fantasy world where surprise surprise wouldn't you know it their knowledge of nerd genre fiction or video game mechanics actually makes them insanely powerful and popular with all the beautiful young women in the setting which is a genre that really needs a grim and gritty deconstruction where the main character has no usefull skills at all, is in fact weaker than the average person from being fat and nearsighted, is treated like a crazy person for talking about being from another world and then is enslaved as a serf who spends all day shovelling shit until a knight kills him at random just to test if his sword is sharp enough like they used to do to peasants in feudal japan, so basically Sam's life) protagonist in the GoT world my angle would be to just bring my modern day knowledge of misogynist memes and I tell her all about how roasties cuck manlets with Chads BBC or whatever the fuck and she'd love it and marry me and then I'd take over Westeros by just bringing a gun with me like none of these anime faggots do
then we see what remains of Stannis army rowing their boats to the shore and Tyrion notes "he's a serious man, Stannis Baratheon" and Joffrey starts bricking it and cries "they're coming ashore!" as if it's not fair and he's so entitled he can't believe he can't effortlessly have everything handed to him and Tyrion orders "rain fire on them" literally ye olde "make it rain mothafucka" meme and Joffrey whines "there's too many of them!" and Tyrion orders The Hound to send a party down for any that manage to touch ground as Joffrey sits there shaking that his bodyguards leaving him and Tyrion also orders his squire Pod to go bring the men guarding the Kings Gate there and everyone just automatically does what he says as they know he's the real one calling the shots and The Hound gathers up the men telling them "they're serving us up fresh meat!" and shoves Lancel in the chest and growls "you too!" who looks like he's about to throw up and he grabs the lead archer and tells him "any of these flaming fucking arrows comes near me and I'll strangle you with your own guts" and the archer just gawps at him like jesus christ this guys edgy and then we see the archers knocking... drawing.... and just as Stannis is the first man to touch down to the cry of "kill the Lannisters!" on the beach they LOOSE and rain flaming arrows down upon his men who drop as soon as they leave their boats like some more Saving Private Ryan opening shit
but more and more just keep pouring onto the beach and sharpshooter archers start taking more of them out firing directly at them and some of the men manage to get near the wall so the men ontop drop rocks down on them bursting a guys fucking head standing right next to Stannis like a big watermelon
and one of his men puts a shield over him to protect him and his men return fire on the Kingslanding snipers filling them full of arrows and he orders his men to the Mud Gates and out from the huge wooden doors bursts THE HOUND HOLLERING "ANY MAN DIES WITH A CLEAN SWORD, ILL RAPE HIS FUCKING CORPSE!!!" OW! THE EDGE!!
AND LANCEL STARTS GOING HAM DUELLING WITH AN ENEMY FUCKING NICEONE MATE AND THERE'S EXTREME EARRAPE SCREAMING AS THE MEN HACK INTO EACH OTHER WITH AXES AND
THE HOUND LITERALLY CLEAVES THIS MOTHERFUCKER IN HALF WITH HIS CLAYMORE SO HIS ENTIRE TOP HALF FALLS OFF EXPOSING HIS INTESTINES AAAAAA
AND LANCEL GETS KNOCKED DOWN BUT AT THE HOUND KICKS THE DUDE AWAY AND LANCEL LOOKS UP IN AMAZEMENT HES STILL ALIVE BUT THEN TAKES AN ARROW TO THE CHEST OUT OF NOWHERE
wew laddy I like that they show this as fucking horrific, I hate the cultural meme that war used to be honerable before the firearm or mechanized warfare or fucking morons who even think WW1 or WW2 were honerable and think people only started getting PTSD/shellshock in the 20th century because of modern technology or modern people being soft or something, the only reason people think that is because almost all the writings on them were horseshit written by posh twats who weren't there on the command of kings who weren't there to get serfs who hadn't been there yet throwing themselves into the meat grinder for how glorious and heroic it all was, so these modern day mega brainlets are falling for like thousands of year old propaganda designed to work on illiterate pigshit shovelers (and of course this sort of shit still works in the modern day where people think gunfights and warfare are cool because of video games and movies that literally get sponsored by the pentagon), agonizingly fucking obviously men having to HACK EACH OTHER TO DEATH WITH FARMING IMPLEMENTS was hell on fucking earth as war always has been, is and always will be until normies realize that we should maybe not listen to shithead politicians or at least just fight wars in Fortnite or something, there I just solved world peace, no need to thank me
then in the thot vault some of the women and girls are trying to sleep and Cersei is telling Sansa about how when they were kids her and Jaime looked so alike, being twins but I guess not identical twins unless Cersei is hiding a cock under there, and she didn't understand why they were raise different, with Jaime being taught to fight and she was just taught to smile and sing and please people and while he gets a castle she gets sold like a horse to be ridden by it's owner, and Sansa, maybe winding her up or still not getting the full picture, says "but you were King Roberts queen" and she just condescendingly says "and you will be King Joffrey's, enjoy" I really like the writing in this show but I think my main complaint is, like most characters in fiction, since they are you know not real and made up by writers using them to get points across, they are a bit too self-aware, in reality in this kind of family someone like Cersei would swear up and down the block until her dying breath that there is nothing wrong with Joffrey and is exactly what the throne needs, since as always fiction might have some nasty people like Cersei but at least she reflects fairly objectively on the character of her family, in real life peoples kids can literally rape a toddler and they'll keep defending them lmao, and when Sansa looks over at Shae, uh oh, Cersei smells fresh blood, I mean, other than Sansas and goes over to harass her and Shae gives a half-hearted curtsy and Cersei immediately blurts out "that's the worst curtsy I've ever seen, here I mastered it when I was 4" whining about her life again as she shows how to do it properly, and then after only one sentence from her clocks from her accent that she's not highborn and starts grilling her on her past and Shae tries to stop herself from bricking it and tries to lie about how she came to be a handmaiden but Cersei knows it's horseshit from her lack of curtsying skills and tells her to tell them a story and stares at her daring her to try to lie to her and when Shae starts up she's saved by the bell(end) as the injured Lancel barges in to update her on the battle and that the troops are outside the city walls but all she cares about is getting Joffrey to safety and when Lancel tries to talk back that it's good for morale out there she just shouts NOW in his face and the little bitch boy toddles off to do it and then she admits to Sansa that she lied about why Ser Ilyn is there, that he's there to kill them if the city falls, and Sansa looks over at this creepy bald guy staring at her like he knows it needs to be done
then outside THE HOUND IS FIGHTING MORE GUYS SHOVING THEM ASIDE LIKE IT'S NOTHING AND HE CLEAVES DIAGONALLY STRAIGHT THROUGH ONE FUCKERS TORSO LIKE SOME FUCKING ANIME SHIT
AND HE LOOKS AROUND AS MEN HAVE LOST MOST OF THEIR SWORDS AND RESORTED TO BLUDGEONING AND PUNCHING EACH OTHER TO DEATH AND A DUDE ON FIRE RUNS PAST SCREAMING IN AGONY ENTRANCING THE HOUND
BUT THE FLAMING DUDES LIKE FUCK IT DUDE #YOLO AND TAKES A SWINGS STRAIGHT AT THE HOUNDS HEAD BUT... BRONN FIRES AN ARROW INTO HIS FACE OUT OF NOWHERE SAVING THE HOUND!
AND HE SMILES DOWN AT HIM BUT THE HOUND LOOKS TO HIS SIDE AND BRONN JUST MANAGES TO GET HIS DAGGER OUT AS A DUDE CHARGES INTO HIM SO HE CAN SLASH AT HIM AND GET ANOTHER ON HIS KNEES TO SLIT HIS THROAT DAMN SON
and The Hound just stands there like he's almost hypnotized by the battle watching the surreal images around him as men scramble over each other trying to bash each others brains in and other men flail at each other through the flaming beach and he just starts casually walking back to the gate as the other men scream to fallback and rush in beside him but then Stannis yells for his men to get the ladders up and he's actually the first to climb up and STANNIS LEAPS ONTOP OF A DUDE, TEARS HIS SHIELD AWAY AND RAMS HIS SWORD THROUGH HIM AND WHEN OTHER SOLDIERS CHARGE HIM HE STARTS DUELLING CUNTS ON EITHER SIDE OF HIM AND SLICES THROUGH THEM COMPLETELY COMPOSED HOLY CHRIST
and we see Joffrey running for his fucking life off the castle wall and the lead archer screaming for his scum to keep firing and The Hound is just staggering around and then suddenly calls for a squire to bring him a drink and spits it out when he finds it's water and demands his bottle of wine lmao and downs the entire thing and casually walks off and Tyrion hisses "can I get you some iced milk and a nice bowl of raspberries too?" at him for neglecting the battle and The Hound just grumbles "EAT SHIT DWARF" megalis and Tyrion tells him he's "on the wrong side of the wall" and The Hound says "I lost half my men, the blackwater is on fire" and Joffrey screams so hard he's literally spitting "DOG! I COMMAND YOU TO GO BACK OUT THERE AND FIGHT!" but The Hound just looks at the ground like the sheer pointlessness is catching up with him and Tyrion sees they're about to lose their best fighter to ye olde PTSD and tries to tell him "you're Kingsguard, Clegane, you must beat them back or they're going to take this city, your kings city" but The Hound looks up sadly at them and says "fuck the kingsguard, fuck the city, fuck the king" and simply walks off and Joffrey stares in absolute horror as someone refuses an order for him for the first time in his life and he realizes he's absolutely fucked without his bodyguard
and then we see Stannis' men delivering a huge battering ram on their rowboats that they all carry onto the beach and the soldiers on the wall try to take them out with their arrows but they turn over their own rowbots and use them for cover, clever! and escort themselves to the wall as more men climb up ladders and they start using the ram to beat down the door and inside we see Lancel staggering up to Joffrey saying the queen requested he return to the throneroom and a terrified Joffrey sees the look on Tyrion's face and whines "wh-what would you have me dooo?" and he insists "lead!" and Joffrey looks to Lancel as if begging him to help him on this and asks if his mother had urgent business for him, but Lancel is either too dull or not a fan of his possibly for what he puts his his lover/cousin through and says she didn't say, and Joffrey looks down sad like he's realizing he's a coward after all and with a stutter tells one of his other kingsguard to stay there and represent their king on the battlefield as he scurries off in shame in front of all his men and then we see the soldiers on the wall getting taken out by counter-archers and Tyrion looks down as the guards he requested for reinforcements arrive but there's not many as the other soldiers start asking who they're fighting for if Joffrey has left, if only modern day soldiers were that sceptical, and Pod looks up at Tyrion like they're fucked as he realizes "I'll lead the attack!" and all the men just sneer at him as he's only 3 feet tall but Tyrion asks Pod for his helmet, orders the kingsguard to bear the kings banner and then orders the soldiers to form on him, and they all just wander around aimlessly not listening to him but he yells "THEY SAY I'M HALF A MAN, BUT WHAT DOES THAT MAKE THE LOT OF YOU?!" and one man yells up there's no way out but Tyrion says he'll show them another way to come out behind them and FUCK THEM IN THE ARSES and the men look around wondering if he's legit and then he says "don't fight for your king, don't fight for the kingdoms, don't fight for honor, don't fight or glory, don't fight for riches because you wont get any, this is your city Stannis means to sack and that's your gate he's ramming, if he gets in it will be YOUR houses he burns, YOUR gold he steals and YOUR women he will rape!" and the men start agreeing as the ram starts making its dent in the door and Tyrion points to it and yells "those are brave men knocking at our door... LETS GO KILL THEM!" and all the men go YYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! and raise their swords for him and he walks down into the crowd looking like he can't believe this is actually working as they all fall in behind him, not sure if anyone was ever made a dramatic speech that worked in getting everyone from not caring about them to supporting them in 30 seconds but ok my dude
then back in the thot vault Lancel is telling Cersei that when the men saw Joffrey leaving they lost all heart but all Cersei cares about is where Joffrey is and Lancel says "I want to escort him back to battle" having taken a slight level up in badass from being exposed to battle for the first time but Cersei just says "why should I care what you want?" and he snaps at this woman who's had him around her little finger "now you listen to me" but CERSEI JUST PUNCHES HIM IN THE ARROW-WOUND CAUSING LANCEL TO FALL OVER INTO A VASE HOLLERING IN PAIN LMAO and she storms out with Tommen and all the women start getting scared as Lancel writhes around on the floor bleeding and Sansa tries to tell them this is the safest place in the city and Joffrey will save them all and calms them down by getting them to sing a hymm and then Shae like pounces on Sansa from behind just to be annoying and tells her she needs to go lock herself in her chambers because Stannis wont hurt her but the extremely frowny executioner will and she offers to bring her but Shae says she needs to say goodbye to someone and Sansa's like they said they'll rape everyone but Shae shows her her knife in her boot and says "NO ONE IS RAPING ME" based & selfdefencepilled and Sansa runs off and the executioner just lets her as if she'll regret not letting him put her out of his misery as the women's singing gets more and more strained sounding and creepy
then we see Sansa run into her bedroom and lock the door and she wears the distant screams of the dying soldiers outside and she sits down on her bed and holds a doll remembering her simple days in Winterfell but then THE HOUND announces himself from slumped in the corner and in-between glugs of wine tells her he's leaving the king to die and could take her with him to someplace that isn't burning and when she doesn't respond he offers to keep her safe and bring her home to Winterfell but Sansa, maybe just being scared of him or thinking she can be of use in peace negotiations between all these different parties if she stays there, and says "Stannis wont hurt me" but The Hound barges right up to her and insists she look at him and the growls "Stannis is a killer, The Lannisters are killers, your father was a killer, your brother is a killer, your sons will be killers someday, the world is built by KILLERS, so you'd better get used to looking at them" (I mean he's right, only reason any government stays in power to this day is if their own military supports them or not) and she stares at him unblinking and realizes/manipulates him into believing "you wont hurt me" and he says "no little bird, I wont hurt you" and goes to leave knowing she's coming with him, I really like this guy since he's not the usual gruff badass who's loyal to the end or can endure witnessing any suffering like most western stories praise homeboy's resolve was washed away during that battle and that's literally a good thing and should happen to more people so they wouldn't be anyone left to kill each other on behalf of useless rich cunts but for sooooome odd reason society is full of stories about how cool and manly it is to blindly follow orders and to have no problem killing [insert designated outside group that changes yearly here]
then we see some men hacking through the padlock on a gate as all the Stannis men keep hammering at the door and a commander screams for them to get up those ladders but TYRION HACKS HIS LEG CLEAN OFF WITH HIS AXE, SMASHES HIM IN THE HEAD WITH IT AND ORDERS HIS MEN TO ATTACK THE ENEMIES
WHO ARE DISTRACTED WITH THEIR SIEGE AND THEY ALL CHARGE IN AND RAM THE SOLDIERS IN THEIR BACKS HACKING THEM TO DEATH AND THEY FLIP OVER THE BOAT THEY WERE USING FOR COVER AND TOSS A TORCH IN SETTING IT ALIGHT AS THE OTHER SIDE PERISH
AND THEY ALL START CHEERING "HALFMAN! HALFMAN! HALFMAN!" AND TYRION TAKES HIS HELMET OFF AND LOOKS AROUND IN WONDER AS HE FINALLY HAS RESPECT
but then he looks over and says "OH FUCK ME" AS HUNDREDS MORE OF STANNIS' MEN COME CHARGING DOWN THE BEACH AT THEM
AND THERE'S A HUGE CACOPHONY OF CLANGING METAL AS THE TWO SIDES CLASH AND BACK ON THE WALL STANNIS IS RACKING UP HIS KILL COMBO AND HE DISARMS ONE GUY AND LOPS THE ENTIRE TOP HALF OF HIS SKULL OFF OH SHIIIIIIIIIIT!!!
AND HE LOOKS UP LIKE "YA WOT M8" AND DROPS DEAD
AND ON THE BEACH A DUDE SMASHES TYRIONS AXE OUT OF HIS HAND AND IS ABOUT TO KILL HIM WHEN ANOTHER GUY CHARGES INTO HIM AND TYRION SEES ONE OF THE LAST REMAINING KINGSGUARD WHO HE SMILES AT BUT THE DUDE SWINGS HIS SWORD AT HIM SLICING DOWN HIS CHEEK TRYING TO KILL HIM WTF FUCKING TEAMKILLING NOOB!!!!
AND OUT OF NOWHERE PODRICK RAMS HIS SPEAR THROUGH THE BACK OF HIS NECK AND OUT THE EYEHOLES IN HIS HELMET SAVING HIS MASTER BUT TYRION COLLAPSES AS THE SWORD CAUGHT HIM IN THE CHEST TOO
I assume that guys actions will be addressed later and Tyrion will find out he was working for Cersei or CIA or something but if not I suppose he resented Tyrion for sending them out there and he'd rather a pathetic coward who'd surrender easily like Joffrey was still in charge for his own men's safety or something like that
and then inside Cersei is sitting in the darkness on the Iron Throne with Tommen telling him "shhhh, be calm my sweet, no ones going to hurt you" as the boy stares scared at the door waiting for the enemies to barge in and as she knows this is probably her last night as a mother she holds him close and tells him his favorite story about the lioness and her cub, some clear pottery about it being the two of them, and she changes the story to be about the other evil creatures in the woods being stags and wolves, but her son doesn't get it, and she tears up at his innocence, and outside Rod is trying to rouse Tyrion, who he should really just pick up and run off with, who is having the "grenade just went off" sound-off-audio ears-ringing meme as he sees an army on fucking horseback now charging at him as Cersei's story on voice over keeps going about the scared little cub but the mother tells him he's a lion he mustn't be afraid
and we see Stannis looking down as the horsemen ride in hacking at the soldiers, and Cersei tells her son that one day all the beasts will bow to you (guessing there's gonna be some extreme edge here where she gives him the nightshade to mercy kill him so he doesn't get raped and lynched by the invaders, but then it turns out that her side actually won the battle and she killed her son for no reason like the ending of, spoilers, The Mist) and yyyyup here we go Cersei goes on "and the cub said "will I be fierce like my father" "yes" said his mother, "you will be strong and fierce just like your father"" as she unbottles the poison and grits herself as she's about to poison the only thing in the world she has left as she gets as close as she can to telling him the truth about who his real father was and we see Tyrion collapsing on the ground and shutting his eyes as he watches the carnage around him and Cersei offers her son the vile and promises him "I will keep you safe, my love, I promise you" and Tommen is so trusting of his mother he goes to drink it
but then THE DOORS BURST OPEN AND... LORAS TYRELL BARGES IN!
oh it was his men with the Stag antlers on their helmets before, and we see Stannis' men fleeing back to the boats as, oh, it was their guys getting hacked up by the guys riding in on horses, yeah just like Renly said this is confusing with both sides using Stags as their sigils lmao, also this just made me realize from thinking it was Lancel for a split second that this not only means that Loren might be fully gay afterall but if Cersei was fucking Lancel when I am p sure Rob was still alive and he was his squire at the time Cersei might have very well gotten him to put something in his drink to try and poison him or get him far more fucked up than he'd usually get so he'd have an accident or just made sure he plied him with alcohol when anyone else would have made excuses to not bring enough wine or something for his own sake anyway then Stannis screams at his retreating men STAND AND FIGHT DAMN YOU!!!
as he's dragged off by his own men... or the enemy... I dont fucking know... and then LIKE AN ABSOLUTE BALLER TYWIN COMES STRUTTING IN IN FULL ARMOR AND A RED CLOAK WITH HIS FACE SPLATTERED WITH BLOOD AND TELLS HIS DAUGHTER "THE BATTLE IS OVER, WE HAVE WON" WITH A SMUG SMILE LIKE AN ABSOLUTE GANGSTER
and Cersei, barely avoiding the edgiest scene yet, lets the poison spill on the ground and drops the vile shattering it, and she holds Tommen close and kisses his head in relief, and over the closing credits there is some edgy song sung by some deep voiced Chad guy about a lion standing strong
wow that was a fantastic episode, you can tell they spent a fuck load of money on that because that really was movie quality, sure it was centred around like one location but so was like the best movie battle ever the fight at Helmsdeep, literally far better than most modern war movies that people suck off like Dunkirk that had like zero action and just like 500 extras standing around in tiny lines on a beach when in real life the event had over 300K fucking people there, and all the action in this episode was in service of developing the characters, great shit bravo HBO tbh, probably the best episode so far tbqh since, well, no fucking Jon's virgin quest or Dany mary sue dogshit for a start which is always good, but it's focused on one situation in one location in pretty much real-time and has big character development for everyone as they're put through this crucible, as The Hounds nihilism catches up with him, as we see the worst and best sides of Cersei, as Tyrion rises to the challenge and Joffrey fails to, ect ect, which overcomes a lot of the flaws of the shows slow pace, I know I've said I enjoy the decompressed style of modern "premiere" TV whatever that means but it works great in Breaking Bad because yeah you might only get like 8 scenes total in an episode of a very methodical conversation or a very drawn out plot advancement scene but you're only really following the main character and usually 1 antagonist and 1 side character so you can get reasonably paced and very in depth development of their stories in one episode, the problem with this show is THERE'S LIKE 100 NAMED FUCKING CHARACTERS, you have a main story with 5 different fucking armies fighting with 2 side stories, and each of these 7 storylines has 1 to like 8 main characters in them at any given time, and each of these like 30 main characters has 1 or 2 named support characters, so never mind doing anything you don't see half the cast for most episodes, and there's only 10 episodes a season so by the end of the season each character has usually only actually done one thing to advance their plot, like all Robb or Jon have done is meet their love interests, all Jaime or Arya have done is escape capture or get captured respectively, all Sansa has done is almost get raped, Joffrey hasn't done anything other than bottle it this episode, Dany doesn't really do anything and just finds a new group of people to rant at, all Renly did was get killed by a T-3000, only Tyrion and fucking Theon have really evolved that much, I couldn't imagine waiting a week to watch this shit because all that'd progress is "ah another tea time with Tywin and Cersei threatens someone, what amazing plot advancement"rather than the about 2 episodes a day progress I'm going at, but this episode wasn't just drifting around the realm seeing Cat moaning at someone for 4 minutes and then not seeing her again we focus entirely on the stories of the characters in Kingslanding during an actual plot event happening and it was dank as fucking hell and they need to do episodes like this more
Game of Thrones 2x10: "Valar Morghulis"
lock up racemixers special edition
First aired: June 3, 2012
ok like some fucking LOST shit we open up on a human eye opening as the sounds of the battle rage around them and when they open flames and figures flailing about are reflected
but then when it blinks the reflection is during the day with a figure leaning over them, very kino way to depict someone losing time and how the images of the war will stick with them forever, bravo, and it's Tyrion who sees through blurry eyes Pycelle leaning over him and he starts screaming for Pod who rushes through and tells him through a sore throat to go tell Bronn or Varys that he's here with Pycelle and that he's VERY much alive, and Pycelle taunts him asking if he'd like anything for the pain and brushes his bandage covering one of his eyes and his bloody cheek as he realizes he's scared Pycelle will take revenge on him, interesting that he thinks Varys is on his side or he just figures whatever his machinations are they seem to include him staying alive if for nothing more than a proxy to release his plans through, e.g. giving him that map, so it seems Tyrion takes the credit for coming up with that plan in public so he suffers any scrutiny or blowback from that, and Pycelle tells him Stannis suffered a stunning defeat at the hand of his father and taunts him that the tiny room he's in is his new quarters since he's no longer the Kings Hand anymore "but you don't need much room do you?" and flicks him a gold coin "for your trouble" before leaving smuggly that Tyrion got his comeuppance
then we cut to A HORSE TAKING A BIG SHIT and it walks forward to reveal that it's Tywin's horse he's walking into the great hall as if everyone let's him do whatever the fuck he wants and as the horse struts up, with I am pprrrettty sure the actors head CGI'd onto the rider since this dude is like 66 when this was filmed and probably not game to fall off a horse, and Joffrey does the extremely long title drop meme as he declares Tywin the savoir of the city... and the new Kings Hand and as a servant hands the pin over Tywin nods to his grandson and says smuggly "thank you You're Grace" as he knows he has complete control over this helpless wanker, who he probably detests for being so spoiled and soft like his own father, a thing he tried to abuse out of his own children, and Joffrey nods back to him with the same resentful resting bitch face he's inherited from his mother and the actor does a really good job of replicating it
then Joffrey calls CIA forwards and rewards him for his ingenuity in uniting the Lannister and Tyrelle houses with that wacky mountain castle Cats sister had called Harrenhal and all it's related lands and incomes and CIA cocks an eyebrow as he got what he wanted despite Tyrion jerking him around about it and Varys scowls at him with his face tripping as his main rival finally gets one up on him and when Joffrey says they'll be his sons and grandsons for all time CIA quips "I'll have to acquire some sons and grandsons" the crowd chuckles nervously not knowing if he can get away with cracking a joke to the King but they relax when Joffrey chuckles along and le smirky lady smirks at CIA enjoying how slick with his words her new ally is and then Joffrey calls forward Loras who kneels in front of the throne and offers him whatever reward he wants for saving his family and he tells him that Margaery's husband was killed before they could... you know... so she remains innocent (yeah right) and HE ASKS JOFFREY TO MARRY HIS SISTER to combine their two houses, they'd be a much better match tbh since she is also a sadistic cunt like Joffrey but also already fully acclimatised at not only managing powerful men but acting through them so everyone would get what she wants, she the most powerful person in the land, Joffrey the one woman in the land he'd probably get along with and everyone around them has Joffrey's retarded manchild behavoir managed by someone more mature, and CIA gives a cheeky smirk like he's arranging all this just so he can fuck over the Stark family and force Cat to marry him or some ultra friendzone Nice Guy shit, and Joffrey smugly ass Margery if this is what she wants, like he gives a shit and just wants to stroke his ego in public, and Sansa looks nervous like she doesn't know wtf she wants either she's saved from marrying Joffrey or is now not useful to the Lannisters and might get beheaded or some shit, and Margery says "with all my heart, Your Grace, I've come to love you from afar, tales of your courage and wisdom have never been far from my ears, and these tales have taken root DEEP inside of me" and Marg is hamming it up breathing heavily trying to act all sexual but Joffrey being The Incel King just gives his mother a cheeky smile, as if to say SEE I am loved by the people, not even noticing Marg making her innuendo, and he sees the sour look on his mothers face so compliments Marg on her beauty but then turns her down as he's promised to another... and a king must keep his word! and Cersei smiles at Joffrey trying to do what he thinks she wants for once but actually tells him that he shouldn't marry the daughter of a man beheaded for treason who's brother is in rebellion against the crown when he has a better option, and says "the small counsel begs you to set Sansa Stark aside" while glaring up at her, I'm not sure if her calculation here is what would be better or worse for Sansa lmao, going to go with worse since she's such a bitch, and Pycelle and Varys look alarmed at this new development as it's something CIA snuck up on them and the crowd starts cheering for Margery as they are all loving the Tyrelle family now for saving them rather than the Starks who are fighting them and Joffrey stands up and motions for them to be quiet and says he'd love to go with the wishes of both their people but took a holy vow, I guess Joffrey seems asexual and knows nothing about this woman so has no interest in her but he wants to marry Sansa just because he likes treating her like shit lmao since she's this seemingly pure and too-precious-for-her-own-good girl who's family has turned against him, and Pycelle steps forward, muttering and hunched over as if he's ancient, and waxes lyrically about pacts with the gods but points out his father arranged this marriage before the Starks revealed their falseness and says he's talked to the High Septon and says he assured him that their crimes against the realm free from any promise made to them in the sight of the gods and the crowd mumbles in their approval and Cersei gives a huge cheeky smirk to Pycelle to show him he's doing the right thing backing her and Joffrey steps up in front of the stain glass window of their holy symbol and declares "the gods are good... I am free to heed my heart! Ser Loras I would gladly heed your sister, you will be my queen!"
and goes on about how he'll love her forever, I guess putting the easy public opinion sway over his own sadism for being able to domestically abuse this girl he resents since he must have heard the bad PR he got from fleeing the battle and seems to care about seeming like a heroic leader since he's just been told he's entitled to such a status all his life and CIA gives a conspiring look and Marg somehow manages to smirk from both sides of her mouth as she's smiling, this is some Juliet shit right here
and the crowd cheers and claps as their shipping comes true, and Marg glances up as Sansa like gotcha bitch and Sansa cant believe it not knowing what to think as the extras around her do a good job of looking at her scared for what this means for her, and Joffrey looks around super satisfied the people are all clapping for him, and when Sasna leaves she actually smiles and laughs to herself realizing probably anything is better than being Joffrey's wife, and CIA sneaks up on her and she has to drop her face immediately and he basically tells her lmao ur not off the hook yet bitch he can still beat and fuck you all he wants since "Joffrey's not the sort of boy that gives away his toys" and he creepily holds her harm and compares her to her mother at her age and talks about how she was like a sister to him, not saying much in this show mate, and he promises that for her sake she'll help get her home, but Sansa worries he's testing her loyalty or something and claims Kingslanding is her home now, but CIA says "look around us, we're all liars, and every one of us is better than you" in her skills at lying he means, perhaps that's the only reason CIA set up this marriage, to leave Sansa as a loose end that he gets to take charge of trading back to the Starks so he can have Cat owe him one (a blowjob), very funny Varys elaborate plans biggest roadblock is CIA being a massive incel lmao
then we see in the brothel Ros I think putting make-up over the blackeye Cersei's men gave her when a figure in a cloak comes in and she puts on a nice voice while trying to put on her nice face and tells them to get comfy and starts getting her tits out to encourage them to be confident enough to take their cloak off but when they take down the hood ITS VARY'S and he says "no need for that my dear" and Ros asks "you sure? most men like what they see" I guess not knowing who this guy is and just thinking he's another weirdo john and he says slightly forlornly like it's not by his own choice or nature "I'm not like most men" and Ros quips "that's what most men say" and Varys chuckles appreciating her quick wit and Ros asks what he would like and Varys is seemingly there to poach her allegiance from CIA, needing to get back at him for his recently shenanigans (which is something I really like about their relationship, usually these "two masterminds are each others arch nemesis" it is usually a personal dispute or both are fighting over the same issue, but here they have two totally different agendas, winning over Cat and whatever the fuck Varys considers saving the realm, and just by sheer proximity they happen to interfere with each other and they'd probably be best friends if they had mutual interests), and is asking if she finds his employment fulfilling and Ros asks if they've met before, perhaps worrying if he's been sent by CIA to test her loyalty, but Varys says he thinks she remembers all the men she's met and her true talents are wasted on them and Ros says "ooh you're too kind my lord, allow me to return the favor" and snakes her hand into his pants to fondle... nothing... and Varys looks at her and gives her a cocked head like YOU JUST TRIGGERED MY TRAP CARD BITCH
wonder if they had to get the actor to tuck his junk back or something presuming he's not castrated irl and Ros recoils and Varys asks "you're afraid, why? nothing dangerous down there!" and I thought it was going to be she's scared of a man she can't calm down sexually but it's that "I know who you are" and Varys says "unlike your current employer I protect those who work for me, I don't abuse them on royal whims or force them to abuse each other" so I guess CIA let Cersei rough her up and maybe Ros was one of the whores Joffrey beat I cant fucking remember or tell half these crackers apart and Ros asks "how do you know that?" and Varys smirks and says "I thought you knew who I was?" and when she asks "what can I do for you Lord Varys" like she figures cant get any worse and then he pats the bed side her to sit back down and he lifts her chin up to look at him and says he sees her as a partner unlike just an investment like CIA and says "everyone has a weakness, your current employer thinks he hides his... but not as well as he thinks!" with a glint in his eye, yeah actually its pretty obvious to everyone in the city he is a massive oneitis cucklord for Cat
then we see Brie pulling their rowboat ashore and Jaime starts needling her again asking if she's a virgin and how the boys must have mocked her and then asks if she wished a boy was strong enough to overpower and ravish her and then says "I'm strong enough ;)" literally offering to rape her wow nice negation tactics but Brie just grumbles "not interested", ah, so that is how Brie gets her power and can play with all the powerful incel men, she is the rare femcel! and Jaime says "of course you are, you'd love to know what it's like to be a woman!" but as if to explain what that's like Brie's attention is drawn to... THREE WOMEN LYNCHED FROM A TREE WITH A SIGN SAYING "THEY LAY WITH LIONS" THOT STATUS: PATROLLED, EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 31
which is pretty edgy but I mean in France after Hitler topped himself they dragged women who were fucking the nazis out into the street and shaving their head off and stripping them naked so this shit probably happened too, and there's an interesting wee note where Jaime reads it out and you might miss that that's just to use it to taunt Brie some more but maybe that's what he does to help read it due to his dyslexia I've heard that's a thing that helps and Jaime says "the work of the brave Northern freedom fighters, must make you proud to serve the Starks!" pointing out the hypocrisy in pretending knights are noble, which I think is the central thesis of this story, I remember reading a quote from GRRM saying he was interested by how knights would write love poems to their wives and wear their ribbons to tournaments but then would go and rape innocent women when raiding an enemy village which tbh I love (pointing out the juxtaposition of the propaganda told to the public/themselves vs. their actual effect on the world, not the rapes lmao) but of course the braindead american public takes it at face value like all anti-heroes like Jack Bauer or fucking Patrick Bateman and just genuinely thinks they're cool for being macho and killing people but Brie insists "I don't serve the Starks, I serve Lady Catlyn" and Jaime just says "tell yourself that when they swing in your dreams" which is something edgy I'd say, this dude fucking rules, points out the dumb normies hypocrisies and fucks his sister, wtf I love rooting for anti-heroes now, and then Brie the dumb LARPer starts tying him to a tree so she can bury them which is an honerable sentiment that gets it's grimdark reward immediately when they hear the voices of men approaching... talking about giving away a dagger when cutting rope! and Jaime demands to be untied but they're already rounding the corner saying "so unless it got lost up your arse on the way to your cunt it's h-" lmao the fucking dialog in this show and these three randomly generated NPC characters are they're shocked to find these two overly designed player characters under their lynching and Brie explains she's travelling a prisoner and THE THREE BURST OUT LAUGHING "YOU'RE A WOMAN? A WOMAN?! A WOMAN! HAHAHAA, WELL FUCK ME!" and Jaime dops his head knowing all too well what happens when men like this start laughing and a completely humiliated Brie says "if you've quite finished up-" BUT THEY KEEP LAUGHING AT HER LMAO
and when she goes to untie Jaime they ask who she fights for, and she has to immediately go back on her excuse and admit she is on the side of "the Starks" and when they ask what Jaime did he starts acting and talking all gruff and common defending himself for "eating", and she plays along and says "stealing", and she claims he's taking him to Riverrun to rot in a Tully dungeon, which might be the truth idk where they're going, with um Gwendoline Christie doing a good job of acting out Brie, who in a nice change of pace from the usual warrior woman trope isn't an actual le stoic badass, it's just that that's what she aspires to be, like a lot of dysfunctional things men do that women want to also do since they only see the positive stereotype everyone plays along with and not how that actually ruins your fucking life to actually do it to where you end up like The Hound or worse his brother, trying to hide how anxious she is, and the men mock her that he can't be that important if they sent him with her and Brie fiddles with the ropes for a long ass time you'd think she'd just cut them with her sword or something but I guess it makes sense from how nervous she is and the men start grilling Jaime on his origins who keeps playing common and as they're about to leave they ask Brie what she thinks of the beauties, and she just says "I hope you gave them quick deaths" and the lead asshole says "two of them we did, yeah" and just keeps smiling at her like it's not even meant to be shocking to him anymore and is just routine to presumably rape your own civilian women and Brie tries to hide her sneer and tries to walk off but then one of the men clocks Jaime as THIS IS THE KINGSLAYER! and the two of them try to shrug it off and the lead asshole asks his mate who he knows what the Kingslayer looks like, since this is in ye olden times before mass media which is odd to think about especially in 2019 where it's not just famous people everyone knows what they look like which I guess was a thing for at least the most famous since the printing press but now adays you know how literally everyone on Earth looks from a google search (other than me heheheheh eat shit Light Yagami) and the guy insists he was there when he was captured and the lead asshole deploys his amazing interrogation skills by saying in his thick manchester accent "I have a question for you both, and I want you to answer at the same time, I count to three you both answer: whats his name? one.... two.... three...." and Jaime just looks condescendingly at Brie like of course this will have to end this way and Brie glares at him like she hates him but knows hes right so BRIE SHOVES JAIME AWAY, STUNS ONE OF THE MEN WITH THE BUTT OF HER SHORT SWORD AS SHE DRAWS IT, SLITS THE SECOND MAN'S THROAT WITH IT BEFORE HE CAN EVEN DRAW HIS
AS SHE DRAWS THE FIRST MANS SWORD SLASHING IT ACROSS THE LEADERS CHEST IN AS HE COMES AT HER IN ONE MOTION AND THEN USES BOTH SWORDS TO SLICE THE FIRST UNARMED MANS NECK OPEN AS HE TRIES TO GRAB AT HER
ALL IN THE SPACE OF 5 SECONDS FLAT AS JAIME STANDS THERE JAW HANGING OPEN IN APPROVING AMAZEMENT
damn that was some operator shit I had to watch that like three times to catch what was going on which maybe technically a bad thing but I liked that it was just a flurry of blades and suddenly all three are laying on the ground bleeding to death aint nout wrong with a close-ups in a fight like some brainlets will have you believe if it's to depict confusion on purpose, and the leader grasps at his gaping wound and looks at his two dead comrades as Brie drops both swords and unsheathes her main sword and taunts him "two quick deaths?" and then kills him by seemingly inserting her sword up into his body through his crotch so he dies painfully, and Jaime cocks his head like he's impressed by her brutality, but he warns her "those were Stark men" and Brie growls again, meaning it this time, "I don't serve the Starks, I serve Lady Catlyn" and Jaime looks at her like ok he believes she does actually have some conviction after all and Brie says she said she's taking him to Kingslanding so that's what she'll do, odd choice by Cat there you'd think she'd arrange a formal trade for the girls first and just move him to a safehouse before then or something, and when Brie looks down at Jaime not tied to the tree anymore she just hisses "stay" at him as she hacks down the rope holding up the lynched thots, damn that was a gangster scene, I was expecting this to be the scene where a certain something happens to Jaime I've been spoiled on years ago and probably Brie getting raped for le realism, but it was your more traditional "hero takes out the assholes instantly" scene, and the usual grim nature of the world made it all the more cool rather than the usual reaction of "well of course they weren't hurt by these random NPCs, they're the protagonists" in most movies, bravo GoT for being legitimately exciting
then back with Robb that is quickly becoming the new boring central he is being warned by Cat to not cross the riverking guy and tries to explain that at his age falling in love seems like the most important thing but in the adult world it's something you slowly build up for the sake of others like she and Ned did, imho there's probably a healthy in-between you should aim for between a literal arranged marriage or just dedicating your life to someone the night you meet them on a whim, and Cat says that kind of love lasts longer than than a passionate fling in the woods, and Robb gets snippy but Cat reminds him he gave his word too, but Robb tells her she has no right to call anyone else reckless, still triggered about her letting Jaime go
then we cut to Stannis edgily staring at a fire and is grilling the Red Lady that she said he fortold his victory in the fires, but he lead his men into hell with the brothers burning alive around them for nothing, which is an interesting thing that Stannis genuinely emotionally cares for his men and is a real boots-on-the-ground commander rather than most of the leaders who just see their men as necessary sacrifices, even Robb, since every other military leader character is in the mindset of being a highborn leader while Stannis seems like a practical down to earth soldier first no matter his family, and the Red Lady tries to walk her way out of it by saying she's been fighting longer than he has but STANNIS GRABS HER WITH BOTH HANDS AROUND HER THROAT AND HISSES INTO HER FACE "SHOW ME HOW YOU FIGHT, SHOW ME" and the Red Lady shows him exactly her fighting style by taking her hands away as if daring him to go ahead and kill his unarmed lover but Stannis aint into that kind of fighting and says the fucking WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW? meme to her, lmao five star my ytmnd with the burger king king ploxins!!!11!!!
and Stannis chokes her to the point of almost passing out while whispering "will he save you... where is your god?" and looks like he's about to cry as if he actually wants her to be right and for something supernatural to happen so that he didn't just throw all his men's lives away for a bunch of bullshit (which would be a great dynamic if, you know, it hadn't been confirmed she really does have supernatural powers and his most trusted right hand man didn't witness her give birth to a fucking smoke monster assassin lmao, FUCK this shows fantasy elements, get the FUCK back to middle earth), and she struggles out "inside you" as if to try to shift the responsibility to him and it works as he drops her down to the ground and staggers away disgusted at the whole situation and then he edgily says "I murdered my brother", so what the fuck does he think happened, surely he knows she had some supernatural ability and didn't do it personally, he literally knows for a fact she really does have supernatural powers, why is he saying shit like "I'm acting like a savage worshipping a fire god" if he knows for a fact it's real lmao, so fucking dumb, fuck you GRRM, and the Red Lady tries to comfort him by taking the blame to and holding him but he won't accept it so she just tells him straight up "this war will go on for years, you'll betray your men, your family and everything you once held dear... and it will all be worth it, because you are the Son of Fire, the Warrior of Light" as Stannis falls under the spell of this thot whispering about ultimate power in his ear, I get the impression that Stannis storyline is a commentary on the universal Chosen One™ narrative in fiction and how nasty that would be in reality if someone truly thought they were destined to save the world they'd accept any losses along the way as something not only necessary but actually external from their doing if they're serving some great holy mission or inevitable prophecy even if you start out as a very honerable respecting person, which would be extremely good storytelling if it wasn't for, you know, DANY, THE WORST CHARACTER ON THE SHOW, PLAYING THAT "CHOSEN ONE" NARRATIVE STRAIGHT LMAO, GET THESE FUCKING SUPERNATURAL ELEMENTS THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SHOW REEEEEEEEEEEEE and Stannis isn't convinced yet since he's stuck in a dumb fantasy universe but the Red Lady says "let me show you" and pulls him by the hand to a burning fire and gets him to stare into it, which is I guess how people watched TV and also looked things up online in these times, and we see the fire reflected in his eyes as it hypnotises him and seduces him into fulfilling it's destructive promise and she's like "do you see my king?" and he admits "...yes..."
then speaking of edgy fires we see Theon slumped in a chair throwing wood into his fire swearing that he'll kill the horn blowing cunt outside that's been micspamming him all night and the teacher says "they want you to know you're surrounded" as the Stark soldiers have arrived at Winterfell and I guess they're doing ye olde psychological warfare on them like in the modern day sieges when they play the sounds of pigs being slaughtered to freak out terrorists held up in some building and shit like that, and when the teacher tries to explain it's to stop him from sleeping Theon barks "YES THANK YOU OLD WISE BALD MAN!" as it's working and he's losing what little nerve he has and he orders the teacher to send word to his father but he says "you killed all the ravens" lmao fucking idiot and Theon tries to start up his tragic backstory but gets interrupted by the earrape horn again and starts up again whining about being held captive by the Starks and brushing off the teacher pointing out how kind they were to him and breaks down crying about how hard it is to be told you owe your captives and then go back and have to face your own father and then the horn blows away and he gets so triggered he stands up insisting "I WILL KILL THAT MAN! I SWEAR TO THE DROWNED GOD, THE NEW GODS, THE OLD GODS, TO EVERY FUCKING GOD IN EVERY FUCKING HEAVEN, I WILL KILL THAT MAN!" with his voice cracking half way through leaving him breathless lmao good performance and the teacher guy tries to council him that he should just run as he's not going to win a 20 v 500 fight but Theon even if he somehow gets back home alive he'd be the shame of the family, so the teacher recommends joining the Nights Watch with is where everyone running from their problems go and offers Theon passage through secret escape tunnels and Theon starts to be convinced but then realizes if he followed his recommendation Jon Snow would get revenge on him and ponders if he's too far gone for redemption but the teacher guy says "you're not the man you're pretending to be... not yet" and puts his hand on his shoulder and Theon admits "you're right... but I've gone too far to pretend to be anything else" and the teacher pats him on the shoulder and looks down having tried his best, this is why Theon is an interesting character since most shows either don't want to handle a character doing evil as sympathetic and/or want to have him be a hardass that seems cool or is easy to root against and not just fucking pathetic and insecure like the majority of violent people in real life are, which is arguably morally worse than someone who was just born fucked in the head or unintentionally conditioned that way by their environment but is a wee bit too much nuance for most shows and probably this one judging by the over the top fate I know Theon gets
then the next morning outside he is trying to rile up his 20 men by saying "that horn is the mating call of the Northmen, they want to come in here and fuck us, well I haven't had a good fuck in weeks, I want one!"......... wow........g....... goodone Theon....... you want to get fucked by men...... and all his men laugh.... but probably not with him.... and he bigs them up by asking if it's true the Ironborn are worth 10 mainland men and only the fat bald bully guy says "aye" and then he tries to hype them up by going on this big elaborate rant about how they'll die today bleeding from a 100 wounds but they'll be remembered by every man woman and child forever only a few of them are nodding while the others just stare at him so he actually has to start namedropping them before getting some "ayes" and he goes on saying "men will name their sons after us, women will think of us with their lovers inside them!" since he cant stop thinking about sex even now lmao and the men like that one and start going "aye!" to that as if they're all as fuckboyish as him and Theon screams that whoever kills the hornblower gets a statue and starts beating his chest screeching WHAT IS DEAD MAY NEVER DIE!!!!
and they all start chanting back to him and Theon gets super hyped and screams YEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! but HIS FIRST MATE KNOCKS HIM OUT FROM BEHIND HAHAHAHAAHHAHAAHAHHHA AND THE FAT GUY SAYS "THOUGHT HE'D NEVER SHUT UP"
and the first mate just says "was a good speech, didnt want to interupt" and the teacher does the stupid thing of marching up demanding to know what they're doing as they put a bag over Theon's head as if it isn't obvious and THE FIRST MATE SPEARS HIM IN THE GUT oh shit and tells his men "lets go home" and leaves him to bleed out in the mud as they drag off Theon, oof
then with Tyrion he's accusing Varys of lying for telling him that that kingsguard tried to kill him... on his sisters orders... yeah thought so, but Varys points out no need for anyone else to causing strife between those two, and Tyrion believes him and tells Pod, his squire they're both proud of, to go get Bronn to post his four most loyal gold cloaks outside his door at all times, but Varys tells him he's been relieved of command and the city guard are now loyal to Tywin or Cersei depending on which (which one she's fucking I'm sure he means) and Tyrion suggests his hilltribesmen from last season but they went home once his father paid them their due and maybe a little extra to leave his son unprotected and even Varys says he wont be able to see him again as Tyrion puts it he "doesn't want to swim to close to a drowning man" and Varys lets his cag in to visit her and consoles Tyrion that the city still knows he saved them and leaves and then we get another dumb romance scene that doesn't work in this show since I'm sure it'll end horribly where she takes his bandage off and sees his huge gash across his face, which in the books results in him losing his nose, and we get the typical hollywood thing of "oh no I'm so disfigured!!!!" but unlike in the source material where they are actually super fucked up in the face it's just a scar
like the girlfriend in Ready Player One or the heroine in Mortal Engines, and he claims she'll only stay with him for his money, but she says fuck the money, he's clearly not cut out for the war life and hates it here and they should just elope and Tyrion wells up as as he's so tempted but he thinks his only purpose in life and more so the only thing he's proud of is his ability to manage the bad people in his family by outtalking and outthinking them and he admits "I like it, I like it more than anything I've ever done... are you going to leave?" and the cag who's name I forget says "you have a shit memory, I am yours and you are mine" and Tyrion has a great performance where he breaks down crying which would be more effecting if we don't all know this'll end terrible and it'll be his fault for not leaving this dysfunctional environment, with the terminology of my favorite cult, he needs to DeFoo
then at the new boring storyline we see Robb and the nurse getting married under a tree where they bind their hands together and swear a vow to the seven, another romance that won't go well I'm sure
then at the worst storyline we open with a very nice shot of the woods outside Qarth as Dany, Jorah and one of her few remaining soldiers hike up to The House of the Undying or whatever and they look up at this big scary tower with spikes around it, which is actually a real place in Spain I think, and Jorah warns the warlocks kill with sorcery not steel so don't need guards, and when they walk up to it Dany cant find the front door and asks "is this a riddle?" as she walks around it trying to find a way in (could climb in that window but ok) and when she walks ahead of Jorah he finds that... she's disappeared and he's back with the dothraki dude again, and they yell up trying to find her but then we cut to her somehow already inside the tower, and she picks up a torch and starts ranting arrogantly that magic tricks don't scare her and calls them scared of a little girl, which would be all hela epic if she wasn't 100% physically non threatening without someone else to protect her and her only abilities are defence against fire and makes her seem completely delusional and obnoxious
then with Arya and the boys they are walking through the countryside when they look up and see the edgy assassin dude staring at them smugly from atop a cliff and when they go around the other side he's simply gone like fucking batman or something and then just walks out beside them and he tells Arya killing the guards was no harder than taking a new name, I assume he means a new identity, should have just told Arya giving a name doesn't count if you use a persons fake name like in Death Note lmao, and Arya asks him to train her to be an edgy anime character and he tells her they'd have to go across the Narrow Sea to Braavos, where her equally flamboyant "dance" teacher was from, and he says dancing is easy compared to being a Faceless Man™ like what that cag told Danys brother last season, and tempts Arya that she could get revenge on all the Lannisters she swore vengeance on, and she says she'd like to... but has to find her family, so he hands her a coin that he can use to summon him by just giving it to a man from Braavos and saying "Valar Marghulis" very edgy and mysterious and then he goes to leave and she says "please don't leave Jaqen" but he says "Jaqen is dead" and makes her say his new/real name back to him to make sure she remembers and then when he turns back to her HE HAS A NEW FACE, HE'S SWITCHED TO HIS ALT ACCOUNT and walks off into the wild, I guess the implication here being he might actually be her "dancing" teacher who survived and just changed his face since they have the same obnoxious personality?
alright sorry but this is absolute drivel, why introduce fucking SHAPESHIFTERS into le gritty and grounded world? how am I meant to take anything seriously now? how am I meant to care about, say, Ned dying when he could 100% still be alive and that was just a shapeshifter taking his place? complete dogshit tbqh, get this fucking fantasy autism the fuck out of this supposedly le real consequences setting
then we see Osha, the wildling thot, leaving the crypt with Hodor and the Stark boys to find Winterfell castle has been badly burned with dead people and horses strewn everywhere, and they see the boys two direwolves whining at the gates as if they're trying to show them something, and they presumably follow them to find... the maester under that white and red holy tree almost dead from blood loss, and the little boy runs over to hold him and the maester looks so happy he gets to see his pupils one more time and that they're safe and the boys ask what medicine to get him from his chambers but he tells them he's fine and they know he's just trying to make it easy for them and the little boy breaks down crying, and when Bron says "they burned it down! they burned down everything!" the maester gets serious and says "not everything, not you" and tells them to go North, but Osha says their mother and brother are South, but he says there's too many enemies there and they need to go to Wall so Jon can protect them (seems like a bad idea but this dude doesn't believe in White Walkers) and Bran says he doesn't want to leave him but the maester steels himself and says "I don't want to leave you, I pulled you into this world and have seen your faces almost every day since, and for that I consider myself very very lucky" and then tells Hodor to take them off as he puts on a brave face and says he'll be fine there and once they're out of earshot he grabs Osha close and tells her desperately "you must protect them, you're the only one who can", and Osha looks down almost like she's ashamed she would have probably abandoned them before and isn't sure she has the moral fortitude to not do that now, but when the old man says "you may even have to protect them from your own kind" she says "I have no great love for my own kind" I guess realizing she has more in common with these helpless little boys than the ruthless nasty people in the world and she offers him some dank heroin but he just looks at her knife and tells her "do it quickly" knowing she's a real nigga, I feel like the story needs more nice normal good people like him since when every character is a ruthless military commander, selfish sociopath or sadistic psychopath seeing someone getting brutally murdered every episode kind of loses it's effect if you get the impression everyone in this universe is a scumbag so why be shocked by anyone's behaviour or feel sorry for anyone, rip dude who could have very easily been written as a gay pedo or something edgy
then we see our band of unlikely heroes walking over the moors away from the burning Winterfell, idk what happened there since it seemed like the fishlads were just giving to surrender Theon to the Stark forces and hope they get treated well since it was a hopeless situation but I guess they just didn't trust Theon to be the leader and fought the siege anyway or maybe like just set fire to the place and fled in the confusion but the Stark forces are nowhere to be seen so idk, maybe the 20 lads actually won lel
anyway then back in retard land Dany is walking through this creepy dark tower following the squeals of her baby dragons until she finds herself in... some alternate version of the iron throneroom, except with the ceiling missing and snow falling in to fill the place up, as if it's a vision of the future where winter has come and jacked up all of Westeros, and she walks up to the iron throne, which I think they're missing a kino beat by not depicting in the film making that it almost has a character to itself that tempts people to their ruin, but we get a wee bit of that where Dany goes to touch it, being tempted, but then hears the cries of her dragons, and goes towards them instead of her lust for power, and she goes through a gate and finds herself like she's in a dream leaving the gate to leave The Wall as if to say this environment is going to be everywhere soon
and she sees a tent in a snowstorm and staggers through it inside and finds herself in her old Dothraki wedding tent and sees KAHL DROGO HOLDING THEIR INFANT SON who welcomes her home but she says this must be dark magic but wonders if she's dead and in the afterlife, but then Aquaman, edgy as always, says "or maybe I told the Great Stallion to go fuck himself and came back to wait for you" and Dany tears up realizing "that sounds like something you would say" because she missed her completely charmless, dumb, savage, rapist husband she has no reason other than literal stockholm syndrome to love in some creepy co-dependent thing where he happened to treat her relatively well for equally unlikely reasons and she goes down to hold her son and Aquaman says "maybe this is just your dream, or my dream, I dont know, these are questions for wise men with skinny arms" kek I'm sensing GRRM, being a fat nerd himself, falling into the dichotomy of there's a spectrum of smart but physically useless to dumb but physically dangerous people, which could very well be a real thing since I struggle to think of real people who are both very smart and very strong but some of my favorite fictional characters are people who have both that you might underestimate their intelligence from looking at them or assume someone that smart must be a pushover physically but they end up being the most dangerous person in the setting, anyway then he waxes poetically but also very edgily about how if it's his dream he'll kill the man who tries to wake him up
as Dany puts her forehead against his and says some more poetic shit that goes straight into anime territory as soon as she mentions the wind blowing over the mountains about how much she loves him... but she knows this is just another test of her resolves, and she leaves the tent and finds herself back in the tower and sees her three dragons, one an almost black color, one a light green color and one a light brown color, chained up, and they squawk expectantly at her to be freed, which reminds me of my puppy's behavoir so good job whoever animated these quite accurate animal movements, and behind her the creepy AIDS dude says "they miss their mother" and another copy of him appears behind her again and they start talking back and fourth literally like Agent Smith explaining that their magic is stronger now they came back, and their magic is stronger when they're with her, and more copies step out of the shadows and promise she'll be with them forever... but then shackles appear on her wrists, and they say she'll be with them forever too
and they pull them tight as the dragons sequel in distress as their mother is chained up too and they're like "welcome home" but she does her pretentious meme about how her real home is across the sea where her people wait for her but the AIDS dude says "they'll be waiting a long time" and then Dany looks down at her dragons... and the AIDS dude looks down curious as to their connection, but then Dany calmly says "dracarys" and the black dragon coughs up smoke in response and the AIDS dude backs up a bit worried but then
THE DRAGON SPITS A FIREBALL AT THE AIDS DUDE SETTING HIS JACKET ALIGHT
AND DANY PUTS HER ARMS UP LETTING ALL HER BABY DRAGONS SHOOT FLAMES STRAIGHT INTO HIM
BURNING HIM ALIVE AND HE WRITHES AROUND ON THE FLOOR DYING IN AGONY
and as if the chains were only kept material by his magic they disintegrate off the dragons and then her as she looks up like das right bitch, ok that was pretty cool, or I mean, would be if this had made any logical sense so far, like why does stabbing one of him from behind not do anything but burning this one seems to kill him for real? did she just get lucky and he got cocky and talked to her with his real/original self and not through a shadow clone or whatever naruto shit? even though nothing at all indicated that? what am I meant to think is happening here? she's just blindly lucky yet again? wow epic writing for a truly cool character that's not a walking meme
then with Jon, Halfhand and the wildlings they're marching through the mountains and the redhead thot is bullying Jon by whacking him with his sword and when he easily trips her and taunts her she goes to threaten him with it, distracting the Bonelord and allowing HALFHAND TO HEADBUTT ONE OF THE BADDIES, GRAB HIS SWORD, RAM INTO ANOTHER GUY AND... START ATTACKING JON! but other wildlings hold him back as he screams "traitor!" at him, and the Bonelord says does the Godzilla (2016) meme "let em fight!" so the redhead tosses Jon his sword and the wildlings stand back as they duel furiously with Halfhand taunting Jon and his father and whore mother to get him to make it look convincing until he manages to disarm him, and looking Halfhand in the face to make sure this is what he wants, JON RUNS HALFHAND THROUGH WITH HIS SWORD
and his last words are "we are the watchers on the wall", and his scheme works when the redhead thot says "you can tell Mance that that's the man who killed Qhorin Halfhand" oh that actually was his last name and not a nickname ok lul and the Bonelord goes up to Jon with his sword.... and cuts his bindings, telling his men to burn the body because "you don't want this one coming back for you" implying that the White Walkers can turn anyone who dies up there and when reanimated at least can still hold a grudge against who killed them last, which is a dumb storyline tbqh because Jon killing him, seemingly just for him attacking him in the first place, doesn't exactly signal loyalty to the wildlings, just that he'll defend himself, it's not like he was a free man and they sent him on a mission to prove himself to go kill him or some shit, in fact Jon hasn't said shit about defecting, it'd make sense if the Bonelord or Mance already had the intention of recruiting new Nights Watch members or something and the redhead thot said he was good material from not just being another brainwashed drone or something but there's no indication of that, he's just suddenly welcomed into the wildlings after one fight from someone clearly aggressing against him first, and they take him over the ridge to see a MASSIVE tent city of tens of thousands of soldiers and she tells him "time to meet the King beyond the Wall" as he looks down dramatically, I guess this could be interesting, putting such a straight laced character as Jon in an undercover situation where he's forced to do some evil shit to maintain his cover or something, inb4 it's gay and boring like everything he does
then back in Qarth the black dude is asleep next to a white cag when suddenly a Dothraki sickle lifts the vault key off his neck and he jolts up to find Dany triple duelling her dragons and her whole crew rocking up in his crib, and aaaah the white cag is Dany's cag, her handmaiden, and she starts trying to talk her way out of it saying Triple X threatened her life and this is what she had to do to spare her, but Dany cuts her off and just says "come", oh I'm sure she already has, she's with a black man afterall and the black guy angrily whips his covers off and Jorah points his sword at him so he doesn't try anything, then we see the dothraki guy putting the key in the vault and swinging open the massive door and Dany sees that inside is... "NOTHING" ITS EMPTY LMAO, WOW A BLACK MAN LYING ABOUT HIS INCOME AND ONLY HAS FAKE BLING TO SHOW FOR IT, VERY SHOCKING
and I can feel some eeeedge coming ooooon as Dany says "thank you Xaro Xhoan Daxos... thank you for teaching me this lesson" and XXX starts trying to say he's the King of Qarth now and can help her take the Iron throne and her handmaiden traitor thot starts begging for mercy and he starts up too as THEY SEAL THE RACEMIXING COUPLE INSIDE THE VAULT TO STARVE TO DEATH, EDGY, THE ALT-RIGHT LIKES IT COUNT: 1488
and Jorah looks at Dany lovingly since he loves bad girls just as much as me and hands over the key to the vault and then she looks around her people looting XXXTentacion's crib as Jorah says "it was all a lie" but she says "looks real enough to me... real enough to buy a ship?" and Jorah is like "aye, a small ship" and then yells to the dothraki to start clearing out the gold and jewels in their language and they all cheer finally getting to do what they've wanted to do all along lmao and we get a hero shot of Dany walking past the camera smiling smugly as one of her dragons gives a cute little roar on her shoulder as literally the Game of Thrones theme music climaxes epicly, wow truly ebin, so what, is Dany in charge of Qarth now? how very convenient, she goes from the first episode literally standed in the desert dying to ruling the biggest city introduced yet in the last episode, because they conveniently let her in despite her threatening to destroy the place lmao, then she doesn't do anything for 8 episodes straight until conveniently there is a coup by 2 council members against the other 11 so she never has to meet them never mind overcome them, then conveniently the main usurper is an incompetent fucking moron despite being an amazingly powerful warlock who chains a woman up next to her living flamethrowers and reveals her true form to her, and then she can just walk into the king's quarters and frog march him to his entombment with no one else in the city putting up any resistance, absolute fucking d o g s h i t and literally and unironically like a 13 year old girls fanfiction of how if SHE was in game of thrones she'd beat all the bad guys because everyone loves her and all the hottest guys want to marry her and the whole universe revolves around how important she is, literally please edit out Dany's content into another show fuck sake
then we get a panning shot of the desolate snowy mountains where Sam and his two mates are hiking through the snow complaining about having to dig up animal shit to burn as Sam goes on and on about how inspiring Gilly is much to his friends annoyance and one of them tells him it's just that she said six words to him lmao and Sam tries to diss him back saying there's nothing he finds interesting about him and as the 0 replies simmer in the air they suddenly hear a horn blowing and Sam thinks its Jon and Halfhands horn.... but then they hear the second horn blow, and one of them takes out his sword and says that means its wildlings.... but then... they hear another horn blow.... and the two lads look at each other like uhhh... and Sam realizes "three blasts?" and HIS FRIEND SCREAMS RUUUUUUN!!! AND THE TWO BOOK IT AS FAST AS THEY CAN LEAVING SAM TO WADDLE AT 1MPH BEHIND THEM BEGGING FOR THEM TO STOP
AS HEY DISAPPEAR INTO THE SNOW AND HE LOOKS AROUND IN TERROR AS HE REALIZES HE'S SURROUNDED BY HUMAN FIGURES SO HE SCUTTLES BEHIND A ROCK TO HIDE AS.... OH FUCK... AN ARMY OF ZOMBIES WITH ROTTEN, FROSTBITTEN AND MISSING BODYPARTS COMES STAGGERING THROUGH THE SNOW
WALKING STRAIGHT PAST HIM LIKE HE'S NOT EVEN THERE, AND HE LOOKS UP TO SEE... A ZOMBIE HORSE WITH EXPOSED MUSCLES THAT SEEMS TO BE CHEWING AT ITS OWN FLESH
AND RIDING ONTOP OF IT... IS THE WHITE WALKERS LEADER, AN ANCIENT WRINKLED CORPSE WITH PIERCING BLUE EYES THAT LOOK DOWN COMPLETELY BLANK AT SAM
WHO STARTS SHAKING IN HORROR AND JUST LOOKS DOWN AND STARTS CRYING AND THE WHITE WALKERS LEADER JUST LOOKS AWAY BECAUSE HE'S SUCH A PATHETIC NON-THREAT LMAO
AND HE LIFTS HIS ICE-SPEAR AHEAD AND RELEASES A HOWL LIKE A HARSH ARCTIC WIND THAT ECHOS THROUGHOUT THE LANDSCAPE TO SUMMON HIS FORCES TO MARCH AHEAD AND THE CAMERA PANS BACK REVEALING HE'S GOT HUNDREDS OF REANIMATED SOLDIERS WITH HIM! OH FUBUNGLE!
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08-11-2019Game of Thrones 3x01: "Valar Dohaeris"
eight thousand dead babies special edition
First aired: March 31, 2013
so instead of the opening credits like in season 2 we open on some dank ass budget saving sound effects of scary monster howling and men screaming and clashing swords on a black screen and then fade to Sam getting the most cardio in he's gotten in his entire life until he finds a slumped over figure and asks "brother?" to one of the guys who abandoned him lol but when he walks around he finds THE FROZEN CORPSE OF A MAN HOLDING HIS OWN SEVERED HEAD oh yeah that's the stuff I love welcome back EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 32
and then he sees oh shit... A WHITE WALKER COMES MARCHING OUT OF THE BLIZZARD WITH AN AXE AND IS ABOUT TO KILL HIM WHEN... THE DEUS EX MACHINA DIREWOLF ATTACKS IT!!!
oh I missed these BUT THE WHITE WALKER KEEPS CRAWLING AT SAM PULLING AT HIS LEG AS GHOST TRIES TO PULL IT AWAY BY ITS LEG AND THEN OUT OF NOWHERE ITS SET ON FIRE AND DIES (like... permanently) and Sam looks up to see the general guy holding a flaming torch that he just like poked this zombie with that's freezing cold covered in snow clothes instantly burst into flames and killed him in a few seconds, these people really need to invent flamethrowers, and all the other Nights Watchmen have suddenly appeared somehow and the general guy demands to know from Sam if he sent the ravens and pathetic dumb neckbeard cuck looks down ashamed and shakes his head and the general guy is like "that was your job... your ONLY job!" fucking useless westerofat so the general turns to men and orders them to march back to The Wall to warn them OR BEFORE WINTERS DONE... EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER KNOWN WILL BE DEAD and [i]then[i] we get our opening credits that I still haven't watched all the way through
then surprisingly staying north of The Wall we see the Bonelord and his wildling crew traipsing into their massive campsite of Eskimo type living
and Jon looks up to see AN ACTUAL GIANT walking about moving what looks like the rib bones of some ancient beast to put in the ground to start a building and this smug fucking redhead cunt teases Jon for seeing a giant for the first time and she warns him not to stare or it'll hammer him into the ground like a nail next and Jon nervously glances at it before scurrying away, ok ebin nice to see that after avoiding the elves and dwarves tropes we not just have actual giants, inb4 this isn't integrated into the mythology of a world where the fighting skills of ordinary humans is such an important resources at all in any coherent manner
and as Jon walks through the camp people start screaming "crow" at him, I guess because of the style of the Nights Watchmen's cloaks make them look like crows with folded wings, and they start throwing rocks at him but the redhead thot just lumps one of the haters out lol and she takes him into a big tent to finally meet Mance Rayder who turns out to be... a pretty metal looking but also surprisingly young looking ginger cunt, I was expecting some wise old man but he's more of a 30something dude with a ginger operator beard, and the thot and Bonelord tell him he killed Halfhand to join them, even though Jon hasn't said once about wanting to join them lmao, and Mance compliments Jon for killing the man who killed his friends who were twice as big as him, and Jon says some edgy shit about how "my father told me big men fall just like little men if you put a sword through their hearts" and everyone gets tense to see how Mance takes him and this pretty tall big guy looks down at Jon and says some edgy shit back about producing some little skeletons himself and Jon, like a cuck, gets down on his knees and calls him "Your Grace" and everyone else just laughs and Mance teases him that he'll have to do that every time he farts and then some Severus Snape looking guy comes up and says they don't kneel for anyone above The Wall and then does the "leave us" meme and oh, I guess this guy is Mance? and he asks him if he just wants to join them to fuck the redhead lmao and Jon's 30 year old virgin autism gets triggered and the ginger cunt tells him to relax they don't make you swear off girls up there and Mance introduces the ginger as Tormund Giantsbane.... BANE? kind of an awkward name to have with a dude who works with actual giants, I think I recognise this dude as a henchman from the wonderfully titled The F8 Of The Furious, and they talk about how they're glad Halfhand is dead and Mance shakes Jon's hand and says they used to be brothers back when he had a full hand, so I guess he really did get fucked up by frostbite and it wasn't his actual name, and Mance asks Jon why he wants to join them and Jon tries to say "I want to be free" but Mance can tell "what you want most of all is to be a hero" well he's in the right contrived storyline for that don't you worry about it and everyone stands up to intimidate Jon who can tell they can tell he's lying so he does the meme where he tells the truth but in a way that helps him... that he saw Craster giving his baby to the White Walkers and his commander didn't do anything about it... and Mance believes him and says he'll need a new cloak
then in Kingslanding we get a kino shot of some little boys playing on the beach that has the wrecks of Stannis' fleet scattered around which reminds me of modern day pictures of kids playing amongst the wreckages of like tanks and shit
and we get our first gratuitous unnecessary sex scene of the season where Bronn is in CIAs brothel and is trying to get a cag to take her panties off and she's probably uncomfortable and doesn't want to so she tries to assert control by getting him to submissively try to take them off with his teeth but then Pod interrupts and Bronn gets triggered and threatens to murder him lel but it's Tyrion summoning him
then we see the manlet himself examining his completely fine and cool looking scar sadly in the mirror and there's a knock on the door and he looks paranoid and scared through the ye olde peep hole to see... Cersei... with two kingsguard who looks suspiciously carefree and content which can only mean bad things and Lena Headey does a good job of even making her voice sound disconcertingly chirpy as she says "if I wanted to kill you do you think I'd let a wooden door stop me?" and when Tyrion tells her to leave her guards outside she says "I'm not afraid of you little brother" which should be a nice thing to hear from your big sister but is just scary sounding from her
so Tyrion grabs an axe, his new preferred weapon, and lets her in and Cersei gets under his skin by examining his scar and saying they said he lost his nose, a reference to the books and how in these times (before the internet, which is the real way to differentiate time periods, BI) insane rumors would circulate instantly (which was solved briefly in the 00s when only smart people like me used the internet and could tell dumb normies that their retarded myths weren't real, then normies got on the internet in the 10s and dumb rumors started spreading again, kill all normies tbh) and Tyrion tries to fire back at her by saying "the man who cut me lost more than his nose" and Cersei plays it off like he was just one of the rebels trying to overthrow their family that their father had beheaded and when Tyrion tries to call her out she just makes the "small room for a small man" meme and he calls her out on jacking Pycelle's memes and Cersei brings up his meeting with their father and gives him a wee scary meme by saying she knows because Varys owes her a favor and Tyrion looks more and more shook but she was just memeing and their father just told her lel she's such a bitch and she makes a little chuckle as Tyrion complains about Tywin not coming to see him and chirps "you're going to make me cry" and then they argue about Tyrion grassing on her to their father for having a 9 year old servant girl beaten until she lost an eye when Cersei was also 9 which Cersei literally laughs off with "if I recall she never stole a necklace again", and as we can see her disciplining methods worked out very well when raising Joffrey, and she says she's concerned that Tyrion will lie about her to father and they have a little meme-off about who's smarter, Cersei when she's happy, even when it's out of pure spite that she's gotten one over on her little brother, is so adorbs
then outside Bronn arrives with TidePod and starts doing his silly goofball routine to the two kingsguard but they're not buying it and he calls out one of them for beating women more than he fights men but they just step forward and threaten to cut a hand off that he puts on that door and Bronn being an idiot puts his hand on the dagger he keeps on his lower back to fight these two big dudes in armor with swords but before it kicks of Cersei casually leaves taking her guards with them, then outside there is reconstruction going on as Bronn moans to Tyrion, despite his current amazing privileges, that he needs a pay rise, the greedy cunt
then we see.... Davos... waking up with the scorching sun baring down on his sunburnt to fuck and back face as he seems to have washed up on some rocky little shitty island after being thrown out to sea and when he sees a ship passing he climbs up as high as he can and screams for help waving his shirt about and is shocked to hear it's horn go off as they've noticed him, then some men take a rowing boat over to him and demand to know who he is, probably knowing there was a battle recently and Davos admits he was in the battle and he was a captain and a knight... but then men ask aye... serving which King... and Davos doesn't know which side these guys are on and is probably tempted to just say Joffrey who last he saw was probably the winner since the winner rewrites history and all and statistically a random sample of three guys would be more likely to turn him over to the winner if he admitted to being on the losing team but he says "the one true king of Westeros... STANNIS BARATHEON!" and the men... smile at him! and take him aboard their ship, which is actually the rapey black pirate guys ship, who gives Davos his condolences for seeing his son blown the fuck away by ye olde napalm, and Davos is gagging for revenge so wants to be taken to Stannis but the black dude's lost faith in him since he's going mental only talking to the Red Lady... and burning people alive in huge bonfires, which is too edgy even for this dude, but Davos is like "I could just carve her heart out" nice one mate and the black dude seems to agree to take him back but promises "when you're dead, I'll gather your bones in a little sack and let your widow wear them around her neck" very nice and edgy
then we see Robb and the edgy Bolton guy with his huge army behind him arriving at the dragonburned castle Arya was at last season and Robb bemoans that it seems abandoned and they wont be able to finally fight The Mountain because his men are itching for some combat already, I really want a sequence where they get their wish and The Mountain just plows through dozens of these dumb serfs
and when they get in there yup there are dead bodies scattered everywhere, and Santa guy is like "two hundred Northmen... slaughtered like sheep" I guess these were the brotherhood guys The Mountain was told to dispatch, and Bolton says their best hunters are after the Kingslayer to get revenge, and I guess this is the first massacre Cat's witnessed because she tears up when she sees one of her fathers bannermen but Robb knows he has to be a hardnut in front of his men so orders them to find his mother a chamber... that will serve as a cell for freeing Jamie, and then one of the dude guys actually starts spluttering as he wakes up and when the nurse lady tells him he's lucky to be alive he just says "lucky?" and looks around at all the dead men and himself impaled on a rampart thing as if he'd rather be dead after what he went through
then we see the extremely ancient practice of writing by hand as Tywin is working in his office completely ignoring Tyrion sitting there awkwardly trying to get him talking about being the new Hand but Tywin just says "I heard how happy you were, you brought a whore into my bed" as if he in part took the position just because it made Tyrion happy and dryly admonishes him for using the power he gave him to "sleep with harlots and drink with thieves" as if he's accepted long ago this son will always be a disappointment and Tyrion gets sassy about Tywin not coming to visit him, obviously having some other angle trying to guilt such a callous man for not being sentimental, and tries to big up himself for his heroism during the siege but Tywin just says "clowns and singers require applause, you are a Lannister" and just cuts to the chase saying "I have seven kingdoms to rule and three are in open rebellion, so tell me what you want" knowing full well his son is trying to manipulate him for something and can't be fucked playing any games about it so Tyrion reveals he wants Casterly Rock, I guess their family's home castle or something, which Jaime isn't entitled to because he gave up any claims to a marriage or inheritance by becoming a kingsguard who I guess have a sort of warrior monk thing going on, which seemingly is fine by Jaime who only has eyes for his sister lmao, and Tywin looks half amused and half offended by Tyrion thinking he deserves that, and then gives him a long rambling promise that he'll be given... suitable accommodation and if he does right by his family a suitable wife and Tyrion looks like he could be satisfied with that if but then Tywin snaps AND I WOULD LET MYSELF BE CONSUMED BY MAGGOTS BEFORE MOCKING THE FAMILY NAME AND MAKING YOU HEIR OF CASTERLY ROCK lmaooooooooo
and Tyrion sits there shaking like a leaf as his father starts ranting at him for killing his mother and calls him an "ill-made spiteful little creature, full of envy, lust and low cunning, men's laws give you the right to bear my name and display my colors since I cannot prove you are not mine and to teach me humility the gods have condemned me to watch you WADDLE ABOUT wearing that proud lion that was my fathers sigil that was his fathers and his fathers before him but neither God's nor men will compel me to let you turn Casterly Rock into your whorehouse" and shoos him away like he's still a little kid in his eyes and as Tyrion leaves his father warns "oh and one more thing, the next whore I catch in your bed I'll hang" and Tyrion just picks up the pace with a scowl as if he's reminded oh yeah he has no friends at all amongst his family
then we see Sansa, who I guess didn't leave with The Hound the dumb thot, and Shae sitting by the sea talking about how the cargo ship sailing to Dorne isn't coming back with it's usual shipment of wine as they're tired of Kingslandings drama which Sansa seems satisfied about, but then we realize that she doesn't know that at all and is just doing the cringy people watching game people only ever do in movies where you watch strangers and then make up a story as to their life but with ships, but Shae isn't playing along and is just... accurately guessing what the ship is doing since she's seen that type of ship before and Sansa gets mad she's not indulging in her escapism as she awkwardly looks over at the two Kingsguard watching them and tells her the truth is either too boring or miserable to bear and as if proving her right our ol chum CIA comes slithering up and does the "leave us" meme to Shae and tells Sansa he saw her mother recently... and also Arya, so I guess he did clock her but kept that up his sleeve, and then manipulates her into begging to do anything to help her to leave by acting as if it's far too dangerous so he can get her even more dependent on him, meanwhile Shae is approached by a more respectably dressed Ros who says she now helps manage CIAs affairs, I suppose Varys told her how to talk CIA into giving her a raise so she can get more intel on him, and she talks about how she grew up in the shadow of Sansa's castle since she can sense Shae is a fellow cag but she plays dumb and then Ros warns her to look out for Sansa... especially with CIA, I guess either meaning make sure she's safe but maybe also be wary of her since CIA could be a bad influence
then we cut to a screeching sound and a POV shot of something flying over the sea that's revealed to be DANY'S DRAGONS NOW THE SIZE OF DOGS and they're diving into the sea to catch fish that they then toss in the air and cook with their firebreath before swallowing whole which is a nice touch that these creatures would naturally have a way to prepare their own meals
and then the red one lands on the one ship Dany and Jorah managed to get for her to pet him and Dany starts getting uppity immediately by whining that they need to be bigger and that she needs an army and Jorah says they're going to Astapor who have the Unsullied who are the greatest soldiers in the world and Dany ups the uppity quotient by chiding "the greatest SLAVE soldiers in the world!" wow I wonder where this storyline will go cant want to see what other culture Dany instantly rises to the top of and destroys like some sort of brain parasite lmao but I guess Jorah isn't too woke on that since I vaguely recall him getting in trouble from Ned for selling slaves himself and with great comedic timing Dany says "its too beautiful a day to argue" as a Dothraki vomits all over the deck lmao and she defends her few retarded remaining subjects by saying they've never been at sea before but Jorah warns her they follow strength above all else
then we get a good shot of Davos being dropped off outside Stannis badass looking castle that seems to he having some construction done on it with ye olde cranes and he comes into his cool meeting room that's gotten even cooler and seems to be built into a cave that overlooks the sea, seems like it would be a bit cold but it looks cool so whatever, it seems like maybe this castle is like Cats sisters castle where it was partially built from carving into the mountain which I'm pretty sure is impossible and you need to build a building from specifically treated rock or a specific kind of rock for it to not just crumble away but ok
and Stannis has clearly gone a bit off the deep end because he doesn't even give a shit that his best friend is alive and Davos tries and fails to do the leave us meme but Stannis says "we are alone" as if he's starting to forget the Red Lady is separate from himself or something and Davos tries to question him about burning prisoners alive and the Red Lady asks "how would you punish infidels?" lmao literally allah akbar where's an 8channer with a gopro when you need him and Davos the enlightened centrist says he doesn't judge people based on their faith or he'd have thrown her into the sea lmao and when the Red Lady says "I'm not your enemy" he replies instantly "you are my enemy" and his voice gets higher at the end like he realizes this is it already the moment where it's fight back on her influence or get killed but she just saunters up taunting him about how it wasn't her when the wildfire killed their men by the thousands and boasts that she could have saved them (maybe by controlling the fire?) if he hadn't left her behind and starts guilting him about the voices of the men burning alive but she goes an edge too far by saying what she told his son was true... death by fire is the purest death and Davos loses it and draws his dagger but some guards restrain him before he can act and Davos cries that "that woman is evil! she's a mother of demons!" just fucking tell him you saw a fucking smoke monster that killed his brother but they drag him away to the cells
then in Kingslanding the new protocol seems to be that when Joffrey leaves the castle the kingsguard carry him around in a little cuckshed for his security but they stop in the streets when Marg's similar cuckshed blocks their path and Joffrey nervously peers out the window scared of another riot as he sees Marg walk through the crowd with her handmaiden telling her they should have guards and to prove her point she is confronted by a disgusting poor glaring at her and she just politely says "oh pardon me" with a huge smirk and we see oh they do throw their shit around in here we see a woman tossing a bucket of shit and piss out the window and Marg just walks through it ruining her dress showing how dedicated to the grift she is but Joffrey, The Incel King, doesn't want to speak to her then we see Marg putting in some PR at a local orphanage run by the septa women as she talks to some boy about how he lost his parents, I guess orphanages are not that big a thing anymore because in the first world the mortality rate is relatively low and we're more efficient at getting kids foster parents and shit since muh orphans is a trope throughout all of human history other than the modern day west where at worst you just go to a care home, and she gives him a toy soldier and praises his father for giving his life defending the city and when she realizes almost all the kids in there lost their fathers recently she puts in some PR for Joffrey saying under him their fathers saved the them all and they'll look after them in return as her girls hand out food for them and as she leaves shes still holding hands with the kids and tells the septa that if they ever need anything come her directly and Joffrey spies on her looking mad and confused through his cuckshed window, she's probably just doing this for the PR but seeing someone actually doing something nice for a change and looking after some kids is like the most shocking thing to happen in this show so far since nothing edgy happened, inb4 she's a pedo or something and this is some Jimmy Savile shit
then back at the castle Joffrey turns up for dinner with Marg and jokes about how the small counsel should be done for treason for wasting his time and her and her brother laugh at his joke but Cersei scowls at them for humoring his laziness and they try to play nice with her by talking about their dresses but Cersei gets straight down to business about her visiting Flea Bottom and Marg says "the lowest among us are no different than the highest among us if you approach them with an open heart" and smiles sweetly but Cersei just raise and eyebrow and says "an open heart is what you'll get" since that was where the mob attacked them and Joffrey gets triggered that his mother is already gearing up the ol jealousy of younger women act with his new bride to be and says "my mother's always had a penchant for drama, facts become less and less important to her as she grows older" as he's becoming more mature and picking up his family's talent for underhanded insults rather than just screeching angrily at people and Cersei fires him a look like she's triggered he basically just called her a ye olde facebook mom who spends all day reading fake news
and he claims they were never really in danger, I guess that's the official story, just pretend it wasn't a big deal to save face, and Cersei fires back "you are your fathers son, we cant all have a kings bravery" and Joffrey looks away trying to repress his mommy issues as he's not even sure which father he's comparing him to and Marg fires Loras or whatever the gay brother is called again a conspiring look as if to point out how easy it'll be to drive a wedge between Joffrey and his mother and have him entirely under their influence by just not being a cunt to him and she starts politely bragging about how much food her family is providing the capital framing it as their sworn duty which Joffrey doesn't pick up on due to not knowing shit about politics yet but Cersei can tell she's basically saying this city is dependent on them and when Joffrey happily says to Loras "I'm sure she knows what she's doing" Cersei grimaces and says "I'm sure she does" letting her know she's onto her trying to weasel into her powerful position of the only woman Joffrey will listen to
then back with Dany we see her sailing up to an ancient looking sort of middle easternish city with lots of dome like structures that almost look like mosques or sikh temples
and then Dany and Jorah meet with some arab seeming guy who starts talking in a new fictional language and his half black slave girl who I am pretty sure is the hacker girl from The Fast & The Furious movies starts translating that the Unsullied have stood there for a day and a night with no food or water and will do so until they drop, such is their obedience, and Dany walks into a group of these spartan looking dudes with circular shields, spears and helmets that cover their faces with gaps for their eyes march to the side to part as they move through them and Dany looks concerned and asks about their training and the slave girl translates a bit too accurately to her master "the Westerosi woman is pleased with them but speaks no praise to keep the price down" and her master smiles and nods at her doing a good job and tells her to "tell her what she would know and be quick about it" I'm guessing the meme here is gonna be it turns out Jorah knows their language or something and they're not hiding anything from him and the slavegirl says "they begin their training at 5, every day they drill from dawn to dusk until they have mastered the shortsword, the shield and the three spears, only 1 boy in 4 survives this rigorous training" and the master looks creepily at Dany as he says through his translator "their loyalty and obedience are absolute, they fear nothing" but Jorah interrupts saying "even the bravest men fear death" and the master says "tell the old man he smells of piss" lmaooooo and the slavegirl stutters "truly master?" and the master snaps "no not truly! are you a girl or a goat to ask such a thing?!" and then has her actually say "my master says the Unsullied are not men, death means nothing to them" and then he tells his slavegirl to "tell this ignorant whore of a Westerner" (lmao definitely arabs) "to open her eyes and watch"
as he walks down to his men and commands one forward... and takes his shield and spear aside and takes his knife... and HE CUTS ONE OF THE UNSULLIED NIPPLES OFF, WHO STANDS THERE UNFLINCHING EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 33 much to Danys disgust as she tries to call him off but he ignores her and says to his slavegirl "does the dumb bitch know we've cut off their balls?" I get the idea of making sure they can't reproduce so they don't care about their own future and the only thing they'll be dedicated to is their cause like some Black Widow shit and this is probably inspired by how the arab slave trade enslaved from africans than whitey ever did but there are very few black people living in the middle east since they castrated all their male slaves lmao but that was to make sure they couldn't knock up their wives and maybe make them more docile methinks if you wanted a man to be a strong and aggressive warrior you probably shouldn't, you know, stop his body from being able to produce testosterone, so from how dumb this idea that's gonna be another EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 34 from me dawg
and the slavegirl tries to tone down the edgey just a bit by translating it as "my master points out that men dont need nipples" and Jorah gets an awkward look as if he's thinking "nah I like playing with mine thanks" and the master puts the mans armor back on and says he's done with him and he says "this one is glad to be of service" as he steps back into position and the slavegirl translates "to win his shield, the Unsullied must go to the slave market with a silver mark, find a newborn and kill it before it's mother's eyes, this way, my master says, we make certain there is no weakness left in them" jesus christ EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 35 I guess this is similar to certain real world special forces training where they give them a pet and then order them to kill it or more closely making child soldiers in Africa kill other kids or even their own parents, as always real life, well specifically Africa, out-edges fiction, and Dany gets that high horse look in her eyes as if she's adding another name to her mental list of who to overthrow and asks in disgust "you take a babe from its mother's arms and kill it as she watches and pay for her pain with a silver coin?" and the slavegirl translates for the master who says "what a soft mewling fool this one is" and she translates that "the silver is paid to the baby's owner, not the mother" oof the edge and then he just smiles at her like what of it bitch u mad lmao and she asks him how much does he have to sell and he holds up eight fingers to indicate "eight thousand" and he calls her a whore again as his slavegirl tries to translate nicely that she should be quick in her decision as the Unsullied part for their master to leave and Dany looks at Jorah it's already a done deal she'll merc him, ok I have to admit I kind of like Dany's vibe here, her absolutely delusional egomania is kind of charming when she's up against someone actually sinister rather than just retarded savages, her fop brother or lame ass con men
then as they walk by the sea she whines about the "eight thousand dead babies" required to train the Unsullied (waiting for some more edgy shit as to what they need to do to earn their sword and their three spears) and Jorah reasons "the Unsullied are a means to an end" ah yes her masterplan to invade the entire continent I don't think she's ever been to and then she agonizes over what she'll be if she owns an army of slaves and Jorah reasons again with his realpolitik shit "do you think they'd have easier lives serving men like Kraznys or serving you?" couldn't she just... you know... let them go if they wanted? it would be kind of a cheeky gamble since she'd then be in the moral right and maybe some would leave but realistically they'd all been conditioned into this life since they were 5 and even if they had the individuality to want to leave they'd probably have no idea how to survive on their own as a free man and would just keep working for her for the sake of the food and shelter like a lot of African slaves did when America ended slavery, and then they see a young girl playing with a ball in the crowd and go to see her but then... a cloaked figure starts following them, and Jorah goes on "you'll be fair to them, you won't mutilate them to make a point, you wont order them to murder babies, a great injustice has been done to them, closing your eyes wont undo it" wtf I'm starting to like Jorah too he's speaking sense to her successfully but not in a pathetic orbiter way by just praising her non-stop oh please jesus let this storyline be actually good and then the little girl rolls the ball to Dany and motions for her to twist it open as the hooded figure takes out a dagger and lunges at Dany, knocking it out of her hand, and Jorah restrains him, but it seems he was trying to save her since the ball slides open and THIS BIG FREAKY GREEN SCORPION CRAWLS OUT
and brainlet fucking Dany stays laying on the ground for it to rush at her face that she just crawls away from rather than, you know, standing up so the one inch tall bug cant get you and you can easily steep on it, but the hooded man stabs it with his dagger saving her just in time
and he looks up to see THE LITTLE GIRL HISSES AT THEM SHOWING HER BLUE TEETH and then she runs off jumping into the water without a splash and the hooded man runs over to see her gone with the water not even disturbed and they all turn to see the loli standing on a wall watching them and then casually walking off and Dany accurately diagnoses this as the work of "the warlocks" ok never mind sorry I thought the writing for Dany's storyline was going to be good what was I fucking thinking of course not one second later this dumbass supernatural dogshit is back GET THIS GAY SHIT BACK TO ONCE UPON A TIME OR WHATEVER THE FUCK GOOFY FAIRYTALE FANTASY SHOW
and Dany thanks the mystery man for saving her life and he takes his hood off revealing himself to be an older man and calls her his queen and Jorah looks rustled like "there's only room for ONE beta orbiter in this town!" and he claims that this old man is "one of the greatest fighters the seven kingdoms has ever seen... and as the Lord Commander of Robert Baratheon's Kingsguard" aaaaaaaaaaah! it's old general guy #4 who resigned when Joffrey took power, and the dude walks up confident saying "King Robert is dead, I have been searching for you, Daenerys Stormborn, to ask your forgiveness, I was sworn to protect your family, I failed them" and then he kneels down and says "I am Barristan Selmy, Kingsguard to your father, allow me to join your Queensguard and I will not fail you again" and bows his head and Jorah looks suspiciously at him like he's already thinking he's a plant from Stannis or something but Dany looks hyped, probably a bad sign that this dude has any sense of loyalty left for the absolute madlad who was killing people because the voices told him to but ok, and then we get a "in memory of Martin Kenzie BSC" before the credits who seems to be a director who did episode 4, 5, 6 and 7 of season 2 but rekt by cancer at only age 56, rip, thanks for that extremely dumb episode that ruined the show with the smoke monster assassin my dude
Game of Thrones 3x02: "Dark Wings, Dark Words"
throne of cocks special edition
First aired: April 7, 2013
this episode begins with another of Bran's dreams, who seems to have hit puberty and looks like 5 years older, since he's running through the woods with a bow and arrow when suddenly he's startled by le three eyed raven so he aims his bow at it and suddenly Jon and Robb are beside him encouraging him how to aim and when he misses he hears Ned's voice saying "and which one of you were a marskman at 10?" and he looks up to try to find him when suddenly a strange boy his own age is there and tells him "you cant kill it you know... BECAUSE IT'S YOU" and Bran awakes with a start next to the two direwolves and his little brother, so Bran is a feathery? huh ok and Hodor checks on him and Osha is edgily making a spear or something who tells Bran, who's voice is like twice as deep, not to tell her his black magic dreams and Bran tells her not to worry as no one knows they're alive, I guess they eventually told him about the burnt bodies but I am pretty sure Theon was talking to his first mate about compensating the farmer for murdering his farmhands but maybe Osha thinks only Theon knew it wasn't them or something I don't fucking know that storyline was dumb for the sake of an obvious twist that completely failed
then we see Robb and his now wife talking about how she never thought she'd marry a bearded stinking barbarian from Westeros, I guess it's so cold there comparatively beards are a big fashion, and then Lord Bolton arrives with a letter from Winterfell and outside Robb has to tell his mother what happened at their home being massacred and burnt down by the Ironborn shitheads and how the boys are still missing and Cat tears up realizing she might have another two children held hostage by their enemies and she asks if he's heard anything of Theon hoping he'll still do right by them
but then uh oh we cut to Theon being woken up tied to a cross in a dungeon by a bucket of water over him when a strange man comes towards him with a knife and Theon starts bricking it and asks "where am I? who are you? what do you want?!" and the man camly says "I want... to do this" and HE PRIES THEON'S FINGERNAIL OFF WITH THE KNIFE EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 36 that shit gets me since I used to have an ingrown toenail for like 15 years that'd bleed profusely anytime I kicked it until it finally grew out but there's still a like shard of nail embedded in my toe that you can see a bit of blackness inside it like it's fucking necrotic or something so anything to do with damaging nails freaks me out
then with the third pair of incels on the show, the femcel and the incestcel, Brie is marching Jaime out of a bush and across a field of sheep which is the kind of place that I live around, just fields and fields of sheep everywhere, and I guess they've been marching for fucking weeks if Dany's dragons are so big, I know from getting a puppy recently that animals can grow fast as fuck but it'd still be a while, and apparently Brie is hoping to trade Jaime at Kingslanding for the Stark girls, yeah sounds like a good idea and they wont just merc you, and Jaime taunts Brie for being so taciturn and humorless asking "you think Lady Stark wants a giant toeheaded plank following her around for the rest of her life?" lmaooooo and she glares at the back of his head like she hates this fucking dickhead, speaking of which we cut to her awkwardly watching Jaime taking a piss break I guess in case he takes the chance to try and do a runner and he starts needling her again about when she started working for Cat and fishes around asking if she was pledged to Stannis, and when she says "gods no!" he realizes "ah, Renly" from her reaction and sees a new angle to wind her up by insulting Renly as not fit to lead because he was such a precious little tulip skipping down the halls in his embroidered nighties and Brie defends him because she was a member of his Kingsguard as that's her greatest pride, all 16 hours of it, and Jaime taunts her that it sounds like she fancied him, and she stubbornly says "I did not... fancy him" lmao and Jaime teases her "you weren't his type I'm afraid, he preferred curly haired little girls like Loras Tyrelle, you're far too much man for him" lmaoooooooo
and she says "I have no time for fowl rumors" but Jaime goes on saying "ITS A SHAME THE THRONE WASN'T MADE OUT OF COCKS, THEY'D HAVE NEVER GOTTEN HIM OFF OF IT" HAHAHAHAHAAHAH but Brie gets triggered and grabs him by his hair and snarls in his face SHUT YOUR MOUTH
but Jaime was just memeing, and is probably still lying now, but says sincerely "I don't blame you, or him, we don't get to choose who he loves" probably honestly meaning, you know, his fucking sister, but also probably not actually feeling any sympathy for them at all despite being in the same predicament, and then they get interrupted by a seemingly harmless man carrying some hey on a horse who makes smalltalk with them presuming they're avoiding taking the kingsroad to avoid bandits or maybe taxmen, jokes with Brie that she looks tough enough and then says "seven blessings to ya" as they laugh politely with him as Brie hides the rope Jaime's tied up with behind her so he doesn't get any ideas about freeing a kidnap victim or realizing who this dude is and as the guy goes on his way Jaime glares at him and starts whispering the devils work into Brie's ear from her left shoulder telling her "he knows who I am, what if he tells someone?" and she knows what he's getting at and says "we're not doing it, he's an innocent man" already falling into the trap of thinking there's a "we" and Jaime pushes "more innocent than Lady Starks daughters?" playing her loyalty against her morality but the later wins out and she disgustingly shoves him along, presume she'll end up having to kill an innocent person eventually due to the edgy nature of this world
then we see Joffrey getting fitted for a suit and Cersei smiles and says "it makes you look very strong" which makes Joffrey uncomfortable but he doesn't want to admit to himself that it's because his mother is an incestuous whore so takes it out on his tailor snapping at him that he doesn't like flowers and all his sashes are wrong and when he scurries away not wanting to anger this madlad Cersei starts prying what he thinks of Margery and Joffrey tries to give the answer he thinks a King would give that she's an ideal match... since her family can help them crush the northerners and gives a bit of edge about how he'll hang their lords and sow their fields with salt so no one will think of rebelling in a century, idk starving people tend to get more desperate but ok my dude, and Cersei keeps prying about Marg but Joffrey gets even more uncomfortable and Cersei pushes "she's beautiful and intelligent, and her concern for the common people is... interesting" and Joffrey scoffs "not to me" and Cersei smiles like she's glad Joffrey doesn't have the weakness of compassion for subhuman poors and when she tries to go on Joffrey just snaps that this is a boring conversation so Cersei cuts the bullshit and says "Margerie Tyrelle dotes on filthy urchins for a reason, she dresses like a harlot or a reason, she married a traitor and known DEGENERATE like Renly Bathareon for a reason" lmao literal /pol/ memes, but Joffrey one ups her with an incel meme by snapping "she married him because she was told to, that's what intelligent women do, what they're told" based & redpilled and Cersei swallows her resentment and tries to help Joffrey with his jacket and says "you need to-" but Joffrey bats her hand away and snaps "I don't NEED to do anything!" and walks off when he hears the tailor coming back in and looks at himself pompously in the mirror as he tries on the new sash
then Sansa is trying to tell Shae that CIA is only looking out for her because he was in love with her mother but Shae warns that "men only want one thing from a pretty girl" and the somehow still naive Sansa says "Littlefinger is not in love with me, he's too old!" but Shae smirks and says "they never see it that way" but little does she know Sansa is accidentally right and he has terminal oneitis for her mum and Shae asks if he asked her to spy on someone or something but she says no and she just nods figuring yeah it's definitely sex he's after but it's just that CIA is smarter than that and can play the long game before extracting value from her and she aks her to tell her if he tries to get her to do anything and Sansa smiles that Shae has her back and asks what she'd do and Shae just says "make him stop" like she knows how to handle handsy men... one way or another and then Loras arrives and Sansa lights up since here's a man she actually finds attractive (too bad he's a homeboy on the downlow kek) who invites her to the gardens to talk with his sister and their grandmother Lady Olenna and Shae gives her a concerned look as she knows they'll just want something from her too
then we see Loras escorting her through these lovely gardens all the posh cunts hang out in and Sansa tries to flirt with him talking about the first time they met but Loras of course isn't very interested and walks off as soon as they get to his sister much to Sansa's disappointment and then she brings Sansa to see her grandmother who's surrounded by other young women and she kisses Olenna hand to greet her and they give each other their condolences for each others losses but this old lady seems quite hard to please especially when it comes to men since in the space of about 10 seconds she disparages Renly as not fit to be king, calls Marg's father a fathead and insults Loras as being good at hitting men with a stick (and something else long and hard heheheh) which doesn't make him wise, also here's a random comment this scene is reminding me a lot of Picnic at Hanging Rock which starred Natalie Dormer too, who seems to do a lot of costume dramas, since it's a bunch of posh young women sitting around in a high contrast brightly colored garden gossiping away with an older woman
anyway it seems Olenna's angle is sucking up to the royal family and she implies Marg doesn't have any wit and that she warned them it was treason (to marry Renly I presume) and asks Sansa what she has to say who just stands there staring admiringly at her for being so self-assured to talk down about the men in her family like she or any of the women she knows would do and when it's clear this dumb thot has nothing to say back she offers her some lemon cakes and snaps at a young waiter to serve them as they sit down by a nice table by the sea and immediately starts shittalking her son as a pompous oaf just like her late husband Lord Luthor (the kryptonite poisoning finally got him I presume) and Sansa smiles at Marg as she realizes this is what she's like all the time as she rants on about how her husband accidentally rode his horse off a cliff while out "hawking", I guess hunting with a hawk, and now her son is doing the same thing except "he's riding a lion instead of a horse" hmmmmmm I guess there's another relationship going on between their families and then she insists Sansa tell her the truth about what Joffrey's like and Sansa starts stuttering "I... I..." and the old lady says "you... you... yes who else? has this boy mistreated you?... has he ripped out your tongue?" probably knowing exactly what effect that would have on Sansa just making her stutter worse as she remembers him actually doing that to someone in front of her and Sansa gives the usual canned spiel about how great he is and Marg just smirks knowing it's BS and after bossing around the waiter some more the grandmother implores Sansa some more promising no harm will come if she tells the truth as they're all women there, yeah right, and Sansa looks down sad remembering "my father always told the truth" and the grandmother says "yes, and they named him traitor and took his head" and Sansa breaks down about how that was Joffrey and how he made her look at the head and Marg is like "go on..." as if they're gobbling up the free intel and leverage but Sansa catches herself and gives the proper dialog option again about having traitors blood but they keep pushing and swear not to betray her confidence and Sansa thinks for a minute and I guess figures they can just lie about her bad mouthing him anyway if they want to get her into trouble so she might as well try to get some help and she looks up and tells Olenna dead seriously "he's a monster" and Sansa realizes her mistake and begs "please don't stop the wedding" since if Marg turns him down it's back to marrying her but Olenna assures her her oaf son is insistent upon it and Marg just casually eats a grape and says "that's a pity" as if she's assured she can handle Joffrey and like it's no big deal her granddaughter is going to marry an abusive sociopath the grandmother just goes "ah, there's my cheese!" as the waiter returns, good character who I want to learn more about and why they're so confident, also a really great actress who plays a part that could have been le obnoxious cocky smug power player but just seems like what a self-assured woman who's lived that privileged highborn life might be like at that age where she's realized she doesn't have to bite her tongue as much as she used to now she's closer to the end of her life
then we see Robb's army traipsing through the woods as his direwolf looks on and we see the edgy banners of the flayed men on the Bolton's being trotted past as Robb talks about... his grandfathers funeral? how am I missing so much context in this show? I think I've lost a few IQ points over the years from too much 4chan because idk what the fuck he's on about, the pigtailed neckbeard guy? the maester? who's his grandfather? and the Santa guy admonishes him for wasting time but Robb says he needs to get his uncle Edmure's men anyway, who... I think is the guy who went missing beyond The Wall that Jon went looking for? another character I have no idea what they're on about, and Santa says some edgy shit about how he thinks he lost the war the day he married her, I guess because she's making him too soft and emotional, but he's probably actually right since she's an obvious spy lel
then we see Cat making some arts and crafts version of the symbol of the 7 gods to I guess leave at the funeral like we would do with a cross in western culture and she makes smalltalk with the nurse about how she's scared of her horse but she denies it and then explains that she's making some sort of protection thing for her children that only a mother can make, I guess like a dreamcatcher from, uh, apropriated native american culture, and she talks about how it helped Bran and then tells a longer story about sitting with another of her sons all night long as he was suffering from "the pox"... Jon Snow... and admits that when Ned first brought him to live with them she prayed for the gods to kill him and that's when he got AIDS and she hated herself for it and prayed to all seven gods to let him live and she'll love him and even beg Ned to name him a Stark and he lived but she couldn't keep her promise I guess getting Ned to name him... or no, because she couldn't love a motherless child, and she blames herself for everything bad to happen since, very sad story that would be a lot more effecting if we didn't know for a fact supernatural things were real and she probably really did cause this to happen with her prayers lmao and it isn't just how religious people express self-doubt like it would be in our world, nice shit setting
then north of Tha Wall Mance is asking Jon if it was hard to kill Halfhand and he admits yes and Mance goes "you liked him? I like you but if you're doing us false wont be hard to kill you, I've got wildling blood in my veins, these are my people" ok nice edgy non-sequester thanks very much and then he goes on about how he united 90 clans, half of which wanted to kill the other half, that speak seven different languages, and asks him if he knows how he united all these moon worshippers, giants and cannibals in the same army and Jon stares gormlessly at him and says "no" and Mance says he told them the same shit the Nights Watch commander told his boys that "we were all going to DIE if we don't get south, because that's the truth" I guess the idea of a less advanced culture wanting to breach a border wall to escape from violence in their homeland is a universal theme but seems pretty fitting for [the current year] never mind that they're also fleeing climate change, then it starts snowing and a dude with white eyes staring up at a bird flying around tells Mance "it wont be long now" and Mance explains "he's a warg, he can enter the minds of aminals and see through their eyes, he's scouting for us", I guess this is what Bran is too, boy Mance is quite the brainlet for giving the extremely unconvincing Jon all their important intel, and the obnoxious redhead thot teases "what, you never met a worg?" obviously not you fucking cunt, and when he snaps out of the trance and gets his normal eyes back he's acting super shook and tells them that he went all the way to The Fist of the First Men, I guess he can access multiple animals or has to like bunnyhop across animals bear-by himself and each other or something, and he looks at Jon and says he saw "dead crows" meaning his "former" comrades
speaking of whom we see what's left of the Night's Watchmen who were out there and according to a bully guy who's teasing "piggy" Sam for crying 200 of their brothers were killed by the dead men but somehow this fat fuck is still hanging around and he's mad because he was off hiding somewhere as he saw them all torn apart and he tells him to have a little rest, knowing he'll be left behind and die in the snow, and Sam actually does fall to his knees ready to give up, and the guy looks back as if he was considering not leaving him, but then does anyway, and I know from reading about arctic explorers and mountain climbers and shit that you don't want to sit in the snow for too long because your heart rate, breathing rate, blood pressure and internal temperature all get so low that it makes you too tired and apathetic to get back up even if someone tries to get you back up and you just sit there freezing to death, but Sams only two friends come over and try to help him but falls onto his hands and cries like a bitch about them abandoning him before and one of them just admits "aye, we left you, you're fat and slow and we didn't want to die" and the other looks at him like bit harsh m8 but he just shrugs his shoulders like why lie they're in the real shit now, and they try to physically drag him to his feet but the bully comes back to tell them to leave him but the commander comes up and orders Tarly to get up who manages to do so and he just tells him "Tarly, I forbid you to die!" and then forces the bully, Rast, to be responsible for Tarly, on threat of his own life, and Rast glares at him and growls "I'm not dying for you piggy!" top kek, maybe this is why you shouldn't let obese people in your army and should have at least gotten him to lose weight in training or something before letting him deploy so you don't get into situations like this, what's next, letting the gays in the military?
then we see the suddenly very old Bran having another dream seemingly when he's awoken by one of the direwolves and Osha with her spear sneaking about and she hushes them before sneaking off into the woods and the wolf starts growling and I know she's just hunting stop with the false scare autism but oh oh shit the young boy from Bran's dream walks up staring at them when Osha appears behind him with her spear to his neck and says "not another step boy, unless you want to drown in your own blood" edgy and the boy confidently says "I'm unarmed" and Osha just taunts "that was poor planning" but he finishes, like some TDKR opening scene shit, "my sister carries the weapons" and suddenly there's a young woman with a knife to Osha's throat nice anime shit where people just appear behind each other silently, and Osha threatens "you kill me, that wolf will tear you to bits" but the boy just goes up to the growling direwolf and puts his hand out and says "you must be Summer" and it calms down, licks his hand and wanders off casually, uh oh, and the boy walks towards the helpless Bran and introduces himself as Jojen Reed and his sister as Meera and he says "we've come a long way to find you Brandon... and we have much farther to go", I presume these two are Wargs too which is how he could commune with the wolf and they can sense others of their kind and maybe are in communication to the guy with Mance and are trying to gather as many of them as they can to help save Westeros or some such longgame memery
then we catch up with Arya and the boys traipsing through the woods and Gentry is rightfully grilling her about not just getting Jaqen, who I suppose really was just disguised as a Lannister soldier like some Agent 47 shit, to kill Joffrey or Tywin, which I presume was a common fan question between seasons or something, and Arya just tells him to drop it already lmao she knows he's right and she starts arguing with him about what route to take and she says they can go to her grandfather who she doesn't know is already merced but then they hear someone singing in the woods and they all hide behind an ancient stone wall (a friendly reminder you really do get thousands of years old structures like this in Scotland as you're just out walking your dog while Americas oldest building is like 10 years old) and the fat kid suggests mugging him but Arya sees the dude has a sword and is followed by a bunch of soldiers and tells him to shush but I guess one of them heard them since suddenly a fucking arrow comes flying by them into a tree and the singing man taunts "whats lurking behind that wall? a lion? a wolf?" and threatens to loose some more shots but Arya like the dumb kid she is jumps out and says "don't!" and stands with her sword up and the guy just takes a swig from his flask and tells her to "put it down girl" but Arya tells him "just go on down the road, sing so we know where you are, leave us be and and I wont kill you" which is dumb since it gives away that there's a "we" when he'd only seen her so far and didn't know the boys were there but it's understandable since she's only like 12 but it's funny that this not even as half as bad as the kind of arrogant overblown threat that Dany makes daily and she's a grown woman lmao and the men all chuckle and the leader asks why her friends are so shy and the fat kid gasps noisily and looks over scared at Gentry and Ayra says "what friends?" as if she didn't already say "we" but maybe she meant her and her sword lel and one of the guys says "the fat one and the lad beside him" n-nani?! and Arya looks over as Gentry drags the fat kid out and Gentry takes out his sword like he knows how to use his creations and the fat kid sadly takes his out like he knows he's going to be the first to die and the men just hop down in front of them all lined up like they're ready for a D&D engagement and he surmises from their swords being "castle forged" somehow that they escaped from Harrenhal, ok the meme here is gonna be these are Brotherhood guys who're on their side, and he introduces himself as Thoros and his bowman as Anguy and ah yes they fight for The Brotherhood Without Banners me call it me smart give me reddit upvotes but the fat kid is too fucking stupid to understand that The Mountain was looking for them to kill them, not like... looking for his friends, and he accuses the Brotherhood that they'd take them back and put rats in them, and the leader tries to talk him down, but he wont put his sword down, so Anguy fires an arrow in the sky and says "thing is fat boy, when I'm done talking, that arrow's falling on your head, so I advise you move, because I'm done talking!" and the fat kid realizes what he means and hops out of the way just in time to avoid the arrow, ok not sure that's possible at all since he has no way of knowing what the wind is like that high up that would change the direction of the arrow but ok my dude but his men chuckle at his amazing skills scaring this fat kid into complying and then as he struggles to get his fat ass over the ruins Anguy says to Thoros "half the country's starving and look at this one" and Thoros just says in a rather odd breathless take "maybe he's the reason half the country's starving" lmao >420 BI >fat shaming and he chuckles and takes his first arrow out of the tree
then we see Tyrion coming back to his less good but still pretty nice room to find Shae there and he tries to tell her she can't come there anymore because of his fathers threats but she won't listen, STOP KEEPING HER IN THE CITY AND LEAVE YOURSELF YOU DUMB MANLET, and she shares her concerns about CIA making moves on Sansa, and Shae is shocked to find out Tyrion already knows Ros, but he plays it off as just him trying to know everyone, ah yes you're the only whore for me m'lady, but she's not buying it and he admits fucking her once... twice... but promises he now needs no one else and tells her they can't protect Sansa because now she's an unengaged young lady with a very old name she'll have many more suitors and Shae gets triggered about Tyrion calling her a great beauty and calls him a pervert as he tries to talk his way out of it stumbling over his words but she's just messing with him and when he realizes it he gets all shy that no matter his wiles with manipulating his family and other men he still has a weakness for working girls as she starts kissing him and undressing him and starts giving him head as he tries to warn her about not coming there again, methinks she's probably a spy too and she's trying to get his mind off why she keeps turning up there, I don't turst any women they're ALL whores ESPECIALLY the whores, thats a redpill for you fellow incels
then we see Marg being escorted by a Kingsguardmen to visit Joffrey and uh oh HE HAS HIS CROSSBOW OUT but he says he's just leaving on a hunting trip and wanted to make sure she had everything she needs, ok, false alarm, but um its uhhh kind of pointing at her, watch that trigger discipline kid, and they make some small talk about how the capital is more fit for a lady than a military camp but then Joffrey turns angsty and says "and the bedside of a traitor?" and Marg knows he wants to feel powerful so just gives him what he wants and lets her face drop and also knows he likes obedient women from being mistreated by his overbearing mother all his life so tells him "I tried to do my duty as a wife, that is all" and Joffrey looks enticed as if he's interested to finally meet a woman who knows her place and starts grilling her as to why she didn't give him children then and Marg can see the opportunity to give Joffrey some amusement so says "I would not speak ill of the dead your grace" and she gets a smile out of him and he tells her not to respect a traitor and she plays all naive and shy like she doesn't know politics and tells him "Renly....... I don't believe he was interested in the company of women" and Joffrey actually doesn't find this amusing, maybe because he's at the age where he's noticing his own lack of interest, and asks "what makes you say this" and she pretends to find it awkward saying it and then sits down beside him as if she's unloading her problems on her fiance and starts talking about all of Renly's excuses not to make a child with her and she tentatively tells Joffrey, as if gauging his reaction, that the only time Renly tried he "suggested something that sounded very painful, and wouldn't result in children" meaning le anal sex but Joffrey just looks at her blankly like he doesn't get it at first, and maybe he again relates it more to his own condition of being more into sadism, and as Marg blames herself to see what Joffrey's reaction would be he regurgitates his mothers opinions, like she does her fathers, "no he was a known........ degenerate" like he's not even comfortable being nice to a woman even if all it takes is calling some guy he didn't respect a degenerate and again maybe relates that label to himself and he starts fidgeting nervously and when Marg turns to look at him he tries to take the heat off his discomfort by saying "I've considered making his... perversion punishable by death" lmao literally your typical /pol/ poster, and Marg's eyes light up as if she's even more of a sadist than him and just more comfortable with it and starts lightly stroking his crossbow he has on his lap, almost playing to the trope of killers using phallic weapons as surrogates for their penis as they penetrate other peoples bodies, and whispers "as is your right my lord, you are the king" and Joffrey gets nervous as Marg's come on and shyly says "yes... I am" but then looks at his crossbow and remembers the personal power he has and starts boasting about it and Marg can tell he's got a growing fascination with violence so asks chirpily "can you show me how it works?!" and Joffrey is surprised to find a woman who he actually has something in common with and he starts showing how it's a new design that you use an attachable lever to crank it back rather than the old spinning handle (in reality this is probably a like training bow or something because he's too physically weak to handle a normal one or something but his subjects just told him that lis) and then Marg excitedly hands him the bolt for him to show off firing it through a stuffed boar head mounted on the wall (would be funny if that was the one that killed his (step-)dad)
and it's interesting to note he fires it from the hip, maybe because it's too big to put on his shoulder but also I'm not sure people even realized back then you should aim down sights people just eyeballed everything, like it was only in the like 70s that they actually started training soldiers to use the sights on their handguns in WW2 people were training to fire it from the hip for some reason lmao, and Marg asks to be taken hunting, making sure to add it's no place for a woman but her father wouldn't let him, and Joffrey insists she doesn't belong to him anymore, and is being successfully seduced in this fucked up way by how enamoured and subservient Marg seems, exactly what he wants from everyone around him, and he offers to let her hold it and he shows her how to aim it and she points it into a mirror, in effect actually aiming it at him, and breathlessly says "it imagine it must be so exciting to squeeze your finger here... and watch something die over there" and Joffrey looks at her totally entranced that she might be like him and asks "could you do it? could you... kill... something" and Marg chirps "I don't know Your Grace, do you think I could?" probably knowing full well she could and Joffrey concludes "yes, I think you could" and she asks innocently "would you like to watch me?" and Joffrey grins into the mirror and says "yes" as grim music plays, good stuff, usually in these sort of Bonnie and Clide/Natural Born Killers relationships it's the man who seduces the woman to a life of violence and usually when there's sadistic sociopath characters like Joffrey in fiction they're usually depicted as almost supernaturally intelligent but it's an interesting twist to have the still supremely dangerous Joffrey being quite the fucking idiot who falls for everyone's ruses and only has brief blips of surface level self-reflection being manipulated by a woman who's probably actually downplaying her own malevolence while trying to bond with him
then we cut to THEON GETTING HIS FOOT CRUSHED IN A VICE and he screams in agony and begs them to stop but the lead torturer just says "tell us the truth" and Theon whines "about what?!" so the torturer just nods for the man to start compressing his foot again and with some really good acting Theon hollers that he doesn't know what they want and the torturer finally asks, maybe to make him more desperate to answer but if I recall the edgy episode I saw years ago this is all just fucking Theon about, "why did you take Winterfell? who gave the orders to?" and Theon's mind starts racing as he fumbles over trying not to betray his family but also not actually knowing why he really did it and he just starts spewing out he decided to and just wanted to rule it and the torturer is like "good, that's very good" but as soon as Theon relaxes he nods to his man who starts crushing his foot again until it bursts with blood oozing out the vice and Theon screams "why did you do that? I told you!" and the torturer just asks again "why did you take Winterfell?" and Theon realizes/admits "I DID IT TO BRING GLORY TO MY HOUSE AND MY FATHER!" as he screams into the air but the torturer just walks menacingly in front of him and Theon starts panicing and stammers "no wait I uh I took it because I hate the Starks! I hated them for holding me prisoner! I wanted to hurt them" trying to find what this guy wants him to say, maybe thinking they're Lannister men who might be pleased to hear he's an enemy of the Starks, and the torturer just looks blankly at him and then puts a sac
