View Full Version : Jokes
bananadong
03-19-2021, 12:51 PM
So this dude dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the pearly gates, St Peter says to him. "Okay, it's like this. You don't get into heaven just for being good anymore. You have to have done something really great. Can you think of anything that might qualify you?" The man says. "Well, I once saw a group of really mean bikies harassing a little old lady. So I went up to the leader, I spat in his face, I kicked over his bike and I insulted his girlfriend!" St Peter says "That's terrific! When did you do that?" "Oh, about 30 seconds ago".
bananadong
03-22-2021, 07:34 AM
After 3 years, the wife starts to think that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents. Wife: "Dear, I have something very serious to tell you". Husband: "What's up?" Wife: "According to DNA test results, this is not our child". Husband: "Well don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet nappy and you said "Honey, go and change the baby, I'll wait for you here".
Desolation
03-23-2021, 02:27 AM
:0replies: nf
bananadong
03-24-2021, 12:02 PM
For some time, John had been saying to his wife Katy that they should introduce anal sex into their marriage to add a little spice to things. Katy kept saying she wasn't that keen on the idea and she wished he would drop the idea. Katy eventually relented and said she was willing to give it a try but if either of them didn't like it they wouldn't continue with it. She told John to go upstairs and get undressed and wait while she got herself ready. John waited upstairs on the bed, excited about this new aspect of their married life. He heard Katy coming up the stairs and watched as she came into the bedroom beautifully naked... apart from the strap on she was wearing.
bananadong
03-26-2021, 11:51 AM
One day, a very attractive under graduate girl visited the professor's office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee 'accidentally', etc.
Finally, the undergraduate said "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest".
The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied "Anything?" To which the undergraduate cooed "Yes, anything you say".
After some brief reflection, the professor asked "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?" The student lied "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then".
The professor then advised "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that".
bananadong
03-28-2021, 05:05 AM
A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Avalanche!" The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next, as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Flood!" and escaped. The teacher was then led out, the squad took aim and the teacher, remembering how the other two had escaped, shouted "Fire!"
03-28-2021, 01:13 PM
03-28-2021, 01:25 PM
03-28-2021, 01:25 PM
bananadong
03-28-2021, 02:05 PM
A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Melbourne. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a devon sandwich!!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
03-28-2021, 07:17 PM
bananadong
03-30-2021, 12:45 PM
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mummy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful" said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Larry "Giving up?"
bananadong
04-03-2021, 08:31 AM
It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again. As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
--
The owner of a golf course in was confused about paying an invoice. So he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied "Everything but my earrings".
--
When the Bob came home, his wife Diane was crying. "Your mother insulted me" she sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" Bob asked. "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious". "And?" "At the end of the letter she wrote: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son".
--
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up, then she just fainted!"
--
Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'. 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home. We could steal a bus from the depot' replies his mate. They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out. After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?' 'I can't find a No. 91' 'Oh for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.
--
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem". The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mom" he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two" Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father".
--
I came home from the pub four hours late last night. "Where the fuck have you been?" screamed my wife. I said "I've been playing poker with some blokes". "Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!" "So can you" I said. "This isn't our house anymore".
bananadong
04-04-2021, 07:06 AM
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "Don't worry" he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping". Several aisles later, everyone heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store".
--
It's been reported that masturbating twice a week increases your life expectancy by 20%. I have done the calculations and found out that I'm immortal.
--
A father found his small son looking very unhappy. "What's wrong?" he asked. The boy said "I can't get along with your wife".
--
Donald Trump and Barack Obama went to the same barbershop for a shave. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No thanks, if my wife smells that she will think I've been in a whorehouse"
The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like.
bananadong
04-05-2021, 01:21 AM
A sex researcher is interviewing men about what they do with their other hand when they masturbate. Three subjects are in the room. He asks the first man, who replies "I hold a porno mag." The second says "I hold a computer mouse to browse porn on the net." The third says "I hold a sponge." The researcher, baffled, says "Why a sponge?" "Well, I've got to use something to bathe my daughter."
--
There is an annual contest at University of New Brunswick calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was: "Political Correctness". The winner wrote: Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rapidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."
--
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
--
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Fuck me, talk about Dyson with death!
bananadong
04-07-2021, 01:54 AM
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 a litre" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with us today!
bananadong
11-01-2021, 03:16 PM
After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise" she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us". Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go" he said. "Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom" she replied. "Use the kitchen sink". So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"
--
So me and my wife are having sex and I'm about to cum and she says "Don't cum yet". I'm like..."Don't cum yet?!?!?!" She says "I want to cum with you". So I say "Baby, you got like 3 seconds" "Oops, too late". So the next night we are having sex and she says "Hey, I read that if you squeeze a mans dick really hard right when they're about to cum, he will be able to last longer and not cum right away". So I say "I don't know about that. That's a lot of pressure about to explode. You can't stop it... it's got to go somewhere!" But my wife insists and I give in. So during sex I say "Oh god, I'm gonna cum" and she reaches down and grabs my dick and squeezes as hard as she can and says... "Hey, your nose is running".
--
Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said "Did you notice the small todgers on the rich kids?" The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have more toys than us to play with".
--
A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said "Yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "Well, sir, I'm reading, and my girlfriend is knitting a sweater". "How old are you, son?" the officer asked. "I'm twenty" the boy replied, looking at his watch. "And in about twelve minutes, she'll be eighteen".
--
Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So how'd it go, Joe?" asked Bill. "Terrible" admitted Joe. "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never even got started". Bill tried to comfort him "It could have been worse, Joe. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?" "Yeah" Joe replied "but not in the Yellow Pages!"
--
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker" said the friend. "I'll be right over" whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious" said the doctor gravely "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
--
We've got a ghost of a chicken in our house I think it's a Poultry-Geist.
--
I was browsing in a large high street department store, looking for suitable gifts. A salesman soon spotted me and came to my assistance. "Can I help you, sir"? he asked. "Yes, I'd like to see what wristwatches you have for sale" I replied. "Analog?" he asked. Me: "No, just the watch please".
--
I got a peanut stuck in my ear last night. I just poured in some chocolate and it came out a treat!
--
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "Yes sir, she spoke without interruption for about forty years" said the Irishman.
bananadong
11-01-2021, 03:19 PM
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker" said the friend. "I'll be right over" whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious" said the doctor gravely "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
--
We've got a ghost of a chicken in our house I think it's a Poultry-Geist.
--
I was browsing in a large high street department store, looking for suitable gifts. A salesman soon spotted me and came to my assistance. "Can I help you, sir"? he asked. "Yes, I'd like to see what wristwatches you have for sale" I replied. "Analog?" he asked. Me: "No, just the watch please".
--
I got a peanut stuck in my ear last night. I just poured in some chocolate and it came out a treat!
--
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "Yes sir, she spoke without interruption for about forty years" said the Irishman.
bananadong
11-01-2021, 03:21 PM
Three women were debating about how wide their pussies are. The first one said "When my husband fucks me sex he puts his penis and his testicles in my pussy". The second lady said: "When we are in bed my husband puts his hand and his arm in mine". The third woman just sat there smirking before finally looking down at her pussy as saying "Jimmy... Jimmy? Come out, please!"
--
If I'm reading their lips correctly, my neighbours are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
--
Usain Bolt on Holiday in Alabama decides to watch the American Open Golf. As he's wandering in, he is stopped at the door by security. "I'm sorry, but this is a Whites Only Golf Course, your golf course is 15 minutes down the road". But don't you know who I am?? I'm Usain Bolt, the World's Fastest Man!!" Alright clever cunt, 5 minutes down the road then, now fuck off!"
--
Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night... "Mmmm, cheese and onion flavour" she said. I replied "I haven't even put it on yet!"
--
An elderly Frenchman was slowly walking down a countryside lane, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself "Ah ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!' and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.
He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted "Albert... Albert zere is zis man zis woman... naked in Farmer Gaston's field!" The police chief smiled and said "Come, come, Henri, you are not so old to not remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay". "Mais non! You do not understand - ze woman she is dead!"
Hearing this Albert leapt from his seat and rushed out of the station and, the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back nonstop to call the doctor.
"Pierre, Pierre... this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field... zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex". To which Pierre replied "Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, Uamour! Zis is very natural". Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply "Non, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this Pierre shouted "Mon dieu!' grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two French-men and said "Ah, mon amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English".
bananadong
11-01-2021, 03:23 PM
IF MEN HAD THEIR OWN WAY...
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a "Thanks for the sex - now fuck off" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in beer.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Mother's Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
5. Instead of "beer-belly" you'd get "beer-biceps".
6. Tanks would be easier to rent.
7. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.
8. Every man would get four, real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
9. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
10. When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.
11. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
12. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
13. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.
14. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
15. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
16. Beer would have the same effect as Viagra.
17. "Fancy a root" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.
18. Everyone would drive at least 100 km/h and anyone driving under that would be fined.
19. Lunch break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and $2000-a-night -hookers for the duration of those breaks.
20. Saying "Let's have a threesome. You, me and your sister" to your wife/girlfriend would get the response "What a great idea!!"
21. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.
22. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and any disagreements would be settled by a fight to the death.
23. Vomiting after 20 beers would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.
24. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.
bananadong
11-02-2021, 03:48 PM
If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires suck cock? Oh wait... Twilight...
--
Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts". She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked "What happened?" "She knows now" Jack replied.
--
Two Mafia hitmen are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night. One of them says "I gotta admit I'm scared out here". The other replies "You're scared!? I gotta walk back alone!"
--
Two women are standing on the bridge and one says to the other "I want to pee off the bridge like men do". So she goes to the side of the bridge and squats over the water, pulls down her pants and says "You see that canoe down there - I'm going to pee on that canoe!" And the other woman says "That's not a canoe, that's your reflection".
--
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free". The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!"
--
Last year my mate Dave found out that he couldn't have kids. He was absolutely devastated, so being the kind of guy I am, I offered to have sex with his wife, which they both agreed to. Dave called me today and said "Look, you've been shagging my wife twice a day for the last six months and she still isn't pregnant". "That's probably because I had a vasectomy back in 2009" I replied.
--
Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat". Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr. Smith" she gushed "fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired!"
The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly "Sit down, Monica, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail".
--
I accidentally took a swig from a bottle of Tippex instead of my liquid Viagra. Now I've got a massive correction.
--
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalised. "Well" said the Director "after we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub".
Would you use the spoon? The teacup? The bucket? "Oh, I understand" said the visitor. "A sane person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup". Noooooo" answered the Director, looking at the visitor with new interest "A sane person would pull the drain plug".
--
A cardiac specialist died, and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made of flowers. After the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy and everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" "I'm a gynaecologist".
--
Evidence was heard in court that John Smith, of Kalamazoo, had beaten one man to death with a full carton of Cheerios, and another with a box of Special K. There were suspicions that a third person had been killed with Corn Flakes. Police said they were glad to have removed one of the worst cereal killers from the streets.
--
An elderly man was taken to the ER after having a massive stroke. The ER physician told the family that he was alive but unfortunately brain-dead. "Oh, God" cried the elderly wife "we've never had a liberal in the family before!"
A large, well established, lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do" said the skinny man. "Okay, see that giant tree over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down". The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down" said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest" replied the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert..?" said the lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered back "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother "Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" The mother replies "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work". The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says "Ah, c'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud! They're hookers!" A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks "Mummy, do the hooker ladies have any children?" The mother replies "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odours coming from the restaurant's kitchen. One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them. The manager said "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it". The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it". The judge turned to Mike and said "What do you have to say to that?" The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside. The judge asked him "What is the meaning of that?" The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money".
bananadong
11-09-2021, 11:51 PM
My wife said I show no sympathy for the children in slave labour. "You should try putting yourself in their shoes!" she said. So I went and bought a pair of Nikes.
--
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?" "I'm out of gas" the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now" said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed "what did you put in my gas tank"? The bee answered "BP!"
--
Donald Trump was asked what the J stood for in Donald J Trump. He said "Genius"
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Rottweilers are great companion dogs. I bought a one for my mother-in-law. Despite the fearsome expression, huge teeth, constant growling and terrible breath, he's very fond of her.
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A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. A passer-by remarked "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman? "Oh, he still is" remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife".
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A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him "Congratulations, your wife has had quins, five big baby boys". The redneck said "I'm not surprised. I have a prick on me like a chimney". The nurse replied "In which case you might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black".
--
It was cold and pouring with rain but the boy's mother insisted he go and feed the animals on their freeholding before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs. When he got back inside his mother was furious. "How dare you!" she fumed. "For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow and no bacon because of the way you treated the pigs". Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to his mother and said "Are you going to tell him or shall I?"
--
Bloke goes to the doctor complaining that his dick has turned orange. "I've never seen anything like that" says the doc "What do you do for a living?". "Oh I'm unemployed" says the bloke. "So, what do you do all day?" asks the doc. "Sit at home watching porn and eating cheezels".
--
For some years the lawyer had been taking his holidays at the exclusive hide-away country hotel and carrying on an affair with the owner's daughter. However, on returning one year he discovered his mistress had given birth to twin boys. "Why on earth didn't you tell me?" said the astonished lawyer. "You know I would have married you and provided for the birth". She replied "That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over all the options. We all agreed it was better to have a couple of bastards in the family than a lawyer.
--
A son calls his mother. "Mum, how are you?" Mum replies "Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days". Replying with concern, the son asks "What's the matter, mum? Are you not feeling well? Have you been to the doctor?" Mum replies "Not that. I didn't want to have my mouth full of food in case you called".
--
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on, the first nurse says "I can't let that go to waste" and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the man sits up and the nurses apologise saying they thought he was dead. The man replies "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel great!!"
--
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you! When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either". "Fucking great" I thought "first day in here and I'm married already".
--
After 10 years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs. She told her husband what she found out, the husband replied, you don't remember do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him, so I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
--
A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed off. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem. All he says is "All lawyers are cunts!" A man sitting in the corner shouts "I take offense to that!" The pissed-off guy asks him "Why? Are you a lawyer?" He replies "No, I am an cunt".
--Woman Weightlifter goes to the Doctors and says "I've been taking steroids and grown a penis". Doctor asks "Anabolic?" She replies, "No, just a penis!"
--
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next-door neighbour's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. She finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking; what have you been doing?" She says "I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it!!
--
I asked the wife "How come this loaf of bread has your name on it?" She said "Where?" I pointed "There! Ooops, sorry, my mistake. It says Thick CUT".
--
A man walks into a restaurant, he sees the special of the day, is cold stew and asks the waitress for a bowl of it. The waitress says "Sorry the guy at the next table just got the last bowl". "That's fine" he replies "I'll just have a cup of coffee" as he sits drinking the coffee, he notices the guy at the next table eating a sandwich drinking a coffee but not touching the stew. He leans in and asks "are you going to eat that?" "No, no, you can go ahead". the man says. He takes the stew and starts eating, not great, but not terrible, and it's free. About half way through the bowl he comes across a dead rat at the bottom of the bowl, he up and vomits back into the bowl. The guy at the next table leans over and says "Yea, that's how far I made it".
--
Scott Morrison has his name shortened to Scomo. Does this mean that Anthony Albanese should be Anal?
--
A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water. The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar. Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced. "Don't worry" the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water".
--
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says "Mas-tur-bate". Miss Rogers smiles and says "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful". Sarah says "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
--
I just migrated from Syria a couple of months ago. This is a strange land. I was having sex with a woman just last night, but she kept screaming another man's name the whole time. Who is this Rape guy anyway?
--
The sales girl at the sex shop didn't bat an eyelid when a customer purchased an artificial vagina. "What are you going to use it for?" she asked. "That's none of your business" answered the customer, beetroot red and thoroughly embarrassed. "Calm down sir" smiled the sales girl "the only reason I'm asking is that if you're going to eat it, then there's no GST".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 03:53 AM
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too fucking late pal, I've already done the paperwork!"
--
Dan sends a text to his son "My Dear Son, today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My best love and good wishes. Your Father". His son texts back: "Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!" His father replies "I know".
--
I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him... but they kind of taste like peppermint.
--
A guy goes to work and before he even gets a chance to sit his personal assistant starts reporting "... our profits have diminished by 5%, we lost the job in China meaning we look at another 10% losses by the end of the semester, Mr. Jones has given us his resignation, your wife called and said that she is leaving you and she is taking the children with her and the big boss wanted to see you asap and he appeared to be very angry. So he looks at his personal assistant and asks "All that you told me were so bloody negative do you have any positive news to give me?" "As a matter of fact I do. The COVID test you did yesterday came back positive!"
--
An exercise for people who are out of shape: begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
--
Johnny's time at the pickle factory didn't last long. He'd only been there a week when he came home looking very agitated. "What's wrong?" asked his friend. "I've got this terrible urge to put my willy in the pickle slicer". "Aagh! it'll all end in tears, you've got to overcome this feeling". Johnny promised he'd try but a couple of weeks later he came back looking well pissed off. "What's wrong, you didn't weaken and put your willy in the pickle slicer". "I did" replied Johnny "and you were right, it did end in tears. I got the sack and the pickle slicer... she was fired too".
--
The girl knelt in the confessional and said "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned". "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am". The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin. It's just that you are very mistaken".
--
Two Irishmen lose their oars after paddling far out into the ocean. They were lost and had no idea what to do. One of them finds a bottle floating and picks it out of the water only to find a genie pop out. The genie says he will grant them only one wish. Without hesitation, one of them shouts "I want the ocean water to turn to Guinness!" The genie grants his wish and disappears. The other Irishman was furious with his partners quick decision. He looks at him and screams "You moron! Your hasty decision has screwed us! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
--
An angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wanted to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best. The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad" said the woman "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there". "They don't like that in Heaven" said the Angel. The woman replied "They're not crazy about it in the supermarket either!"
--
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, it would be a good time to wash it".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 03:54 AM
I walked into the doctor's surgery and he said to me "Pick a star sign, any star sign". "Capricorn" I replied. "Yeah yeah, right" he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again".
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My friend keeps saying "Cheer up man, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water". I know he means well.
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Two priests at a Bucking Bronco contest. The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money. The first priest says "I don't know how you do it".. The second replies "One of my choirboys is Epileptic"
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No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day. Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish. The game warden looked shocked and told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?"
bananadong
11-14-2021, 03:55 AM
Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper.
He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traffic cones. Yeah, traffic cones.
Like, this kid fucking LOVED traffic cones. He had a traffic cone keychain on both his key ring AND backpack. His profile picture on Facebook had him posing with a traffic cone. I once saw him riding his bike with a (probably stolen) traffic cone clenched under his arm, barely keeping balance as he rode along. He dressed up as a construction worker for a Halloween party and brought a traffic cone. He even had a dinky pencil topper that was shaped like a traffic cone. Weird ass shit, right?
Alright. It's senior year. Kevin and I have English class with Mrs. McCopper (she just went by her first name, Jane). Jane was beloved by the community. She went to all the school events, and would even sit in the press box and commentate the home soccer games. Overall, a really chill teacher. She had lost her 10-year-old daughter to cancer just a few years before I got into high school. She always wore a necklace her daughter made her. On the necklace was a blue fishing bobber with a cartoon sea otter printed on it. Jane wore it every time I saw her.
Anyways, one Friday during class Kevin would not stop messing with his dinky-ass traffic cone pencil topper. Like he'd beat it against the desk and shake it around like he was a child.
It. was. obnoxious.
Eventually, Jane had enough and she took it from him. She said he could have it back on Monday. Kevin was very upset to say the least.
Cut to the Friday night soccer game. During this specific game a 15-minute 'half time' was called to honour a member of the community named James Van-Bonner.
James was an ex-convict turned success story. When he was 18-years-old, he picked up a toddler and literally chucked the poor kid into a lake. The kid survived luckily. After 10 long years in jail, along with 5 years of intense therapy, James has since committed his life to fostering children and youth.
During this 'halftime' Kevin's dad started storming his way up the stands toward the press box. He looked PISSED. Now, Kevin's dad was a huge, burley man. He worked on a farm stocking hay. This was not the type of guy you wanted to mess with.
The man-beast makes his way in and screams at Jane about Kevin's pencil topper. Jane explains what happened, but Kevin's dad was having none of it. The hulk of a man punches Jane right in the fucking tits and then rips off Jane's necklace and stomps on it- shattering it into pieces. Jane falls to the ground sobbing.
Kevin's dad makes a run for it, but James Van-Bonner steps in his way to block him. Kevin's dad shoves James down the stands. As James falls, he hits his head on one of the seats and goes limp.
Eventually Kevin's dad is subdued and arrested. Paramedics arrive, but James is already dead. It was a terrible loss in the community.
So there it is. That's the tale of Kevin Bopper and how his stupid traffic cone pencil topper killed an innocent man and traumatised my teacher.
TL;DR: Mrs. McCopper took Bopper's topper. His father, the fodder stocker, popped her knockers atop her soccer spotter, crushed her daughter's otter water bobber, and caused the slaughter of ex-toddler lobber turned child foster, James Van-Bonner.
bananadong
11-14-2021, 03:56 AM
A TV crew is shooting a documentary in a rural and mountainous area and they decide to interview oldest man in the village.
The reporter asks him "John, please explain to our viewers at home what your happiest memory is, as a man who has lived in this remote village all his life..."
"Well, this one time my neighbour's sheep got lost, and the whole village got together and went up and searched for it. When we found it, we were so happy that we all fucked that sheep".
The reporter, turning red said "Cut! John, we can't air something like that! Do you not have another happy memory?
"Well, this one time my other neighbour's donkey got lost, and the whole village got together and went up and searched for it. When we found it, we were so happy that we all fucked that donkey".
The reporter again shouted "Cut! Still no good John. Please tell us about your next happiest memory".
"Well, this one time my other neighbour's wife got lost, and the whole village..."
The reporter interrupted him "Yeah, yeah, you all found her and fucked her! Do you have any happy memories that DON'T involve you fucking something?!"
"I'm afraid not" he said.
"For Christ's sake John... you're gonna get me fired! Never mind your happy memories... why don't you tell us your saddest memory instead?"
John looked down and tears started to well up in his eyes and he said "Well, this one time, I got lost..."
bananadong
11-14-2021, 03:56 AM
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids.
He applies for a janitor's job at a large tech firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your email address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically email you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day".
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an email address.
To this the manager replies "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an email address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day".
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week, he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up, he sells the cart to buy a broken-down truck.
At the end of a year, he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighbourhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his email address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no email address, the insurance man is stunned.
"What, you don't have email? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago, I would be sweeping floors and making $5.35 an hour".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 03:58 AM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess".
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good" said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is 'don't count your chickens before they're hatched'". "That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands".
"Good heavens" said the horrified teacher "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
bananadong
11-14-2021, 03:59 AM
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home".
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home". The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'".
The operator shakes his head.
"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 04:01 AM
A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing". "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment. "You know" he said "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase... in no time". "Thank you" the woman responded "this may very well be the solution".
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
bananadong
11-14-2021, 04:02 AM
A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman" he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
bananadong
11-14-2021, 04:03 AM
A little boy goes to his dad and asks "What is politics?" Dad says "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense".
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now". The father says "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about". The little boy replies "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 02:51 PM
Thought I'd seen the end of the Trick or Treaters after I'd poured a bucket of piss over the last lot through my upstairs window, but, fuck me, within five minutes two much older looking kids knocked on the door and got the same treatment. I'd love to see them explain the smell when they take those police costumes back to the fancy dress shop.
--
A guy dressed as a chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg. Apparently, the answer is Chicken.
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As I came out of the supermarket today, I saw a charity worker standing in the rain. On the front of his bucket was written 'Collecting For The People Of Africa' I thought to myself, it'd be quicker to find a tap."
--
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and *BOOM* she had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husbands turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand, and *BOOM* he was ninety.
--
Hello everyone. For almost the entirety of my life I have been a detritivore. What does this mean? Well essentially this means I eat dead things. Yes, I do eat steak and other carcass. But I would almost always rather eat fresh Road kill. When I was about 12 years old my friend Timmy and I would play ball in my driveway. One time I threw the ball a little too far ahead and Timmy ran after it. Timmy ran into the road and was killed instantly by oncoming traffic. I ran over to him, kneeled down, and fed on Timmy's body, I also then marinated his remains. Timmy’s mother never got the closure on how Timmy disappeared. Unfortunately, she ended up hanging herself. I ended up consuming her as well.
--
A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him "Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys". And he said "I'm not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney". The nurse replied "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black".
--
Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, angry, short tempered, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press. Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.
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A very badly beaten up man came to a hospital. The Dr asked what the hell happened to him. Man: I was banging my neighbour over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said: It's my husband! Quick, try the back door. Man: Thinking back I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
--
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. I replied "Yes just once". The doctor asked "What was it like?" I said "It was dark, then suddenly very bright".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 02:52 PM
I went to the doctor the other day for a check-up. He said "I'm sorry but you're going to have to stop wanking". I said "Why's that?" and he said "Because I'm trying to examine you".
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I met this girl in the bar the other night and she told me to come over to her house because there'd be nobody home. As it turned out, she was right, got there and there was nobody home.
--
My wife said she was constantly frustrated by my complete lack of sense of direction. So I packed up my bags and right.
--
"I thought my new girlfriend might be the one" said Paddy to his mate Seamus. "But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me".
--
A woman calls the police to report a flasher. He was in a car and stopped next to her to ask directions. He has a map in his lap and when he lifted it up, he had his knob out. The police asked her "Was he in a state of arousal?" "No" she said "it was a Ford Mondeo".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 02:52 PM
So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.
"What a bunch of idiots" the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll be kicked off the train!"
Sure enough, on board the train, they could hear the ticket master in the next car, saying "Tickets please".
The three engineers ran into the train bathroom and closed the door. The ticket master came in and knocked on the door and said "Tickets please".
They slipped the ticket under the door and the ticket master moved on.
"That's brilliant!" The mathematicians exclaimed. "We should do that on our way home!"
After the conference ended and they were traveling home the mathematicians all bought one ticket to share between them... and the engineers didn't buy ANY ticket at all!
"What a bunch of idiots" the mathematicians said. "What are they going to do when the ticket master comes through? They'll be kicked off the train".
On the train they soon heard the ticket master in the next car saying "Tickets please".
All three mathematicians ran into one bathroom and closed the door. All three engineers ran into the other bathroom and closed the door. As soon as both doors were closed, an engineer came out of the bathroom and knocked on the mathematician's door and said "Tickets please".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 02:53 PM
Gerry goes to see his doctor and tells him that he's unable to make his wife orgasm and it's become a problem in their marriage. The doctor gives him a quick physical and can't find anything wrong, so starts quizzing him about other possible causes.
"Is your bedroom too hot or too cold?" he asks. Gerry tells him it's actually stifling in there, so the doctor suggests he get an air conditioner. "There's no way I could afford that on my wages" he says.
The doctor asks if Gerry has a close, trusted friend who he could ask to stand at the end of the bed and wave a towel to keep them cool. "I could ask my mate Tommy, I suppose" says Gerry.
That night, Tommy comes over and proceeds to wave the towel while Gerry gets to work. After half an hour the earth still hasn't moved so Gerry calls a halt.
"This isn't working. Let's swap places for a bit" Gerry says.
Tommy strips down and mounts up and within five minutes Gerry's wife is screaming "Oh God! I'm coming!"
When things have calmed down and everyone has their breath back, Gerry turns to Tommy and says... "Now THAT’S how you wave a towel!"
bananadong
11-14-2021, 02:54 PM
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has naturally has squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad" he says "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course".
So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the new money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm" he says "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ!?" says his father "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class".
His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to talk to him discuss the newspaper stories".
"Dad" the boy says "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned around and said how much he was looking forward to discussing marriage and infidelity with mum. He then asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street? I'd love to meet her again as dad always gives me a treat when we go visit her when mum is at work'".
The father says "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
bananadong
11-14-2021, 02:55 PM
A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a rest room facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied.
The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies' room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'.
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow!"
So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha!" he thought "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services".
So, he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great" he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies' room on the plane.
The nurse explained "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, what is left of your penis and scrotum is under your pillow".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 02:56 PM
A farmer has four beautiful daughters. He's a bit overprotective of them, so when Friday date night rolls around, he greets the gentlemen callers at the door with a shotgun over his shoulder.
Friday night rolls around, and the doorbell rings, so he walks to it, shotgun in hand, and opens it to a young man who says "Hi, I'm Freddy! I'm here to pick up Betty! We're gonna go eat spaghetti! Is she ready?"
The farmer is a bit bewildered by this greeting, but he can't see anything wrong with this guy, so he tells him: "Okay, have her home by 10".
A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says "Hi, I'm Jim! I'm here to pick up Kim! We're gonna go for a swim! Can I come in?"
The farmer is again bewildered by the greeting, but again, he can't see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: "Okay, have her home by 10, and no funny business in the pool".
A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says "Hi, I'm Joe! I'm here to pick up Flo! We're gonna go to a show! Can she go?"
By now, the farmer is completely dumbfounded by these greetings, but again, he can't see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: "Okay, have her home by 10".
A few minutes later, the doorbell rings one last time, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: "Hi, I'm Chuck..." and the farmer shoots him.
bananadong
11-14-2021, 02:58 PM
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus and drove off along the route.
No problems for the first few stops. A few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said. "Big John doesn't pay!" And sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and meek? Well, he was.
Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day and the one after that, and so forth.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally, he could stand it no longer.
He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said. "Big John doesn't pay!" The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed. "And why not?" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied. "Big John has a bus pass!"
bananadong
11-14-2021, 02:59 PM
A cab driver picks up a beautiful nun. He won't stop staring at her. She asks what's wrong. She says he can tell her anything.
He says he's sorry, but he's always had fantasies about nuns - wanted to be kissed by one.
She tells him it's all right. But she just has two questions: Is he Catholic, and is he single?
He tells her he is Catholic, and he is single.
"Okay" she says "Pull into the next alley".
They pull into an alley and the nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
When they've finished, the man's crying. She asks him what's wrong?
"I'm sorry" he says "I can't lie to you. I'm married, and I'm Jewish".
"That's okay" says the nun "My name's Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 03:01 PM
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge nine-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts "Fuck! This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
bananadong
11-14-2021, 03:02 PM
A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you?" "I was with Jessica". He replied. "What were you doing?" "We were studying". After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely". Dad replies "Wash your hands son - they're doughnuts!"
--
I'm getting totally fucking fed up with people whinging about the prices of things. $1.25 for a tea, $1.75 for a coffee, $2 for a slice of cake and $2.50 for car parking; anymore complaints I will honestly stop inviting my friends' round to my house!
--
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says "Well dear, mummy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex". The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mummy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey". The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery".
---
My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" He asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend" said my wife. "There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop, and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all". Said the psychiatrist. "We haven't got a son". I replied.
--
Me and a buddy rented a boat and went fishing on a lake we had never been to before. For several hours we tried everything we could think of and just could not catch anything. We moved to a spot at the far end of the lake and on the first cast and every cast after, we caught fish. Daylight was running out so I had my buddy mark the spot so we could come back tomorrow. When we reached shore I asked my buddy if he had marked the spot. He replyed "Yup I drew a big X on the side of the boat". I thought about it for a second before I exclaimed "You idiot... what if we don't rent the same boat tomorrow?"
--
A man wins $100,000 at Las Vegas. When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mute-deaf at his door. "Tell him I want to know where he hid the money!" the man yells. The professor conveys this to the mute-deaf and he responds with sign language that he hid the money under the cherry tree in his backyard. The professor turns to the man and says "He won't tell you. He says that he'd rather die first.
--
Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs. Nine months later, the two fags are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs. "Wow" one of the gay men says "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here". A nurse who happens to be walking by says "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ass".
--
We've done a survey on how people walk home from the pub. The results are staggering.
--
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands she open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, it's just a sperm bank!" "I don't care, open it now!!" he replies. So, she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!" she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples??" "DO IT!" So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well". So, the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally, after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says "See honey - it's not that hard!"
bananadong
11-14-2021, 03:02 PM
Police have confirmed a man has been arrested after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it. He is due to be bailed tomorrow.
--
I was sitting at the table reading the paper when the wife exploded "That's IT! I'm sick of it! All I ever do around here is cook!" she yelled. "HEY! That's not on!" I blurted over the paper. "What? I'm not even entitled to an opinion anymore?" She said defiantly. "I was referring to the oven".
--
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. The doctor said, when you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try giving yourself a fright. The man thought he'd give it a try and so bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, how did it go? The man answered, not that well, when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit my cock and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!
bananadong
11-14-2021, 03:04 PM
An Irish couple were returning home from holidays in Africa where they had done a few Safari's, and decided to each bring back a rare African animal as a souvenir of their trip.
Mick was carrying back a rare African snake, and Mary had a rare African skunk.
As their aircraft was approaching Dublin Airport, the cabin manager announces on the intercom:
"Ladies and gentlemen, as we are now approaching Dublin Airport, please ensure that your tray tops are folded, your seatbacks are in the upright position, and your seat-belts are securely fastened. If you have been in contact with any foreign plants or animals, please report to the Deptartment of Agriculture desk in the arrivals hall"
Well poor Mick and Mary went into a mad panic altogether, thinking that their rare souvenirs would be confiscated, when suddenly, Mick had a brilliant idea.
"Mary" he says. "I'm going to put the snake around my waist and pretend that it's a rare African ornamental belt if I'm stopped".
"That's fine for you" says Mary. "But what am I going to do with this skunk?"
"Sure, why don't you shove it down the front of your knickers" says Paddy.
Mary responds "But what about the smell?"
"Feck it" says Mick "If he dies, he dies".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 03:05 PM
A professional duck hunter is in the market for a new bird dog. His search ends when he finds a dog that can actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, the hunter is sure none of his friends will ever believe him.
First, he decides to try to tell one of his friends, an eternal pessimist who refuses to be impressed by anything.
So, the man invites his friend to hunt with him and his new dog. As they wait by the shore, a few ducks fly by. They shoot, and a duck falls. The dog responds and jumps into the water. But the dog does not sink. Instead, he walks across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
This continues all day long; each time a duck falls, the dog walks across the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watches carefully, sees everything, but does not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asks his friend "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did" replies his friend. "He can't swim".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 03:06 PM
Mark and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a bit or light prostitution. She's not quite sure what to do, so Mark says "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred bucks. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner".
So she stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?" "A hundred bucks" she says. He replies "All I got is thirty".
She says "Hold on" and runs back to Mark and asks. "What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job" Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty is a hand job.
He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this huge willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back".
She runs back to Keith.
"What's wrong?" he asks. "Any chance you could lend this guy $70?"
bananadong
11-14-2021, 03:06 PM
A wife asks her husband "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship".
"If I died and you remarried" the wife asks "would she live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would".
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house" the wife asks "would she sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would".
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no" the husband replies. "She's left-handed!"
bananadong
11-14-2021, 03:07 PM
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.
The teacher asked "Harry, what exactly is your problem?"
Harry answered "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions, he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9.".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her "Y'know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade" But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal "Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions".
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs.".
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets.". to the principal's great relief.....
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants".
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied "Bubble gum".
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands".
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question...
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an "F" and ends in "K" and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck".
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher "Put the little bastard in 5th grade. I got the last seven questions wrong myself!"
bananadong
11-14-2021, 11:36 PM
A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years. He recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand, cook tea with the other, dust with one foot while sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her ass. Shes a swiss army wife.
--
My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.
--
A tourist was fishing off the coast of Florida when his boat tipped over. He could swim, but he was afraid of alligators and hung on to the side of the overturned boat. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted out "Are there any 'gators around here?" "Naw" the man hollered back. "They haven't been around here for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming calmly toward the shore. About halfway there, he asked the guy "How'd you get rid of the 'gators?" "We didn't do anything" said the beachcomber. "The sharks got 'em".
--
Police are reporting that a nine-year-old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger.
--
Father: "Son, you were adopted". Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!" Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes".
--
When I woke this morning, my wife was standing in the kitchen looking sexy in her nightie, and preparing my usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast. As I walked in she turned to me and said "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" We went at it, there and then on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said "Thanks" pulled down her nightie and returned to the stove. "How come you're so horny this morning" I said. "I'm not" she replied "The egg timer's broken".
--
A deaf old lady walks into her local fishmongers and asks for a piece of cod "Sorry, Ma'am, we've got no cod" "Yes, sonny, a nice piece of cod" "We have NO cod" "I don't want haddock, just the cod" This exchange continues with the fishmonger getting more and more exasperated. He grabs a piece of paper and in big bold letters writes CFOD and shows it to the lady. With a puzzled look, she says "There's no f in cod" "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
--
I told my wife "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight". She asked me "What is that?" I explained "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!" "Okay" she said "I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second... we don't go down past my mother's".
--
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse called Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $5,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
--
Six friends -two straight guys and a gay guy- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny". Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously "It doesn't look good, Dick".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 11:36 PM
"Looking at your palm" said the fortune teller "I can tell you're single and sexually frustrated, and have been for a while". "That's amazing!" I said. "How did you know?" "Your dick is in it" she replied.
--
I said to my doctor "I've badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident". He said "Did you fall off your board?" I said "No, I slammed the laptop shut when the wife walked in"
--
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead! THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap!
bananadong
11-14-2021, 11:38 PM
One day a guy died and found himself in hell.
As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a Satan. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I LOVE to drink." "Well you're gonna LOVE Monday's then. On Monday's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet the lot We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great!"
"You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "Well you're gonna LOVE Tuesday's. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie! You're already dead, remember?"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble?" "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesday's you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow".
"You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I LOVE drugs! You don't mean...?" "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realised Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?" "No," came the reply. "Ooooh, then you're gonna hate the weekend!"
bananadong
11-14-2021, 11:40 PM
A young man, kind of a slow learner, had started work on a farm. The boss sent him to an outside field to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late for supper. The boss gets on the mobile to check if he's all right.
"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck here. I've hit a pig!" said the young man. "Ah well, these things happen sometimes" the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark".
"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me if I get too close!"
"Never mind" says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home".
"Okay, boss" said the young man.
Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the kid. The boss gets back on the mobile. "What's the problem now, son?" "Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck" replied the young man. "What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?" asked the boss. The young man replied "Yeah boss, but the bloody pig's motorbike is still jammed under the truck's front wheels".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 11:41 PM
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done".
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex". Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 11:42 PM
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day.
The daughter said to the mother "My hands are freezing cold". The mother replied "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up".
So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said "My hands are freezing cold". The daughter said "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up".
He did, and his hands warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said "My nose is freezing cold". The daughter said "Put it between my legs. It will warm up".
He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said "My penis is frozen solid".
Later, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says "Well, they make one heck of a mess when they thaw out.
bananadong
11-14-2021, 11:44 PM
A wealthy businessman takes a trip to Africa and brings along his pet beagle.
One day, wandering about, he notices a tiger heading quickly in his direction with the intent of having the beagle as a snack. Worried, the beagle thinks, "Oh no, what am I going to do?"
Just then he notices some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the tiger is about to pounce, the beagle says loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious tiger. I wonder if I can find another".
Hearing this, the tiger stops himself and slinks away, terrified, into the trees. "Whew" says the tiger. "That was close. That beagle nearly had me".
Meanwhile, a monkey who was watching the whole scene figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the tiger. So he scurries off to go inform him. But the beagle sees the monkey heading after the tiger with great speed and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the tiger, spills the beans, and strikes a deal. The tiger is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, come along and see what I'm going to do to that conniving canine".
Now the beagle sees the tiger coming with the monkey and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the clever beagle sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the beagle says: "Where's that bloody monkey? I sent him off ages ago to bring me another tiger".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 11:49 PM
A man walks into a doctor's office and the doctor sits him down. "OK what is your problem sir?" "I am half deaf" he replied. "That's ridiculous! You can't be half deaf! There is no such thing!" "Yes there is!" "OK OK! Go down the hall and I'll shout a number and you shout it back". "OK!" He said "When he got to the end of the hall the doctor shouts down. "88" shouted the doctor. "44" shouted the man.
--
My Grandma discovered an online knitting forum. She was upset the other day, apparently she used the *wrong thread* and the Mods banned her.
--
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies "I'd wait until he's at least 14".
--
A woman heard her husband come home when she was in bed with her lover. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner". She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to" she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue". "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue" she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too". No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here" he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water".
--
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin. How's it going?" Having already downed a few doubles, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye(s) and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it". Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
--
Dear Charlie, We've been neighbours for six tumultuous years. When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces. When I was sick, you blasted Metallica. And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed. I could go on, but I'm not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire. Cordially, Harry
--
In sixth grade at St. Gabriel's Catholic school, Fr. Matthew is teaching the kids about sex ed. He finally reaches a pause and says "We all know pornography is bad. It is very, very bad. We should never watch pornography - never". The kid in the back of the class asked "What is defined as pornography, Father?" Fr. Matthews stops for a bit, then replies with "Pornography is any image that makes you sexually aroused". All of the students looked at each other and nodded, until the transfer student from Alabama in the back of the class raised his hand. "Father" he asked "Does that mean that my sister's selfies count as pornography?"
--
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is". The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is". Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 11:50 PM
I heard Facebook had published a list of 71 genders but when I looked there were only 70. Someone's hidden a gender, if you ask me.
--
I've discovered that I have a superpower. I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them. It takes a while though.
--
Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asks curiously "What are you doing, Dad?" His father quickly replies "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed". Little Johnny replies "What are you gonna do? Fuck him?"
--
I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time, to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today". I told him I was not paralysed... I can walk. He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today". Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me. After the prayers, I stepped outside and bugger me... my car had gone!
bananadong
11-14-2021, 11:52 PM
Simon and Jason are playing golf at their favourite course, but on every hole, they are being held up by a two-ball of women who are always half a hole ahead.
The women are great golfers, but they are playing terribly slow.
Finally, after watching the women in the distance as they stood over their putts for what seemed like an eternity, Jason decided to do something.
"I'll walk ahead and ask them if we can play through" Jason said.
He set off down the fairway, walking towards the women. But when he got halfway, he stopped, turned around and headed back to where Simon waited.
"Can't do it" Jason said, sounding mighty embarrassed. "One of them is my wife and the other is my mistress!" "Okay" Simon said with understanding. "Then I'll go ask them".
Simon started up the fairway, only to stop halfway and turn back.
"What's wrong?" Jason asked when Simon got back. To which Simon could only reply: "Small world, isn't it!?"
bananadong
11-14-2021, 11:55 PM
A rich Arab walks into a crowded bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair.
He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there".
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab.
He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy.
He continues to smile, and again yells "Thank you!"
He does this once again for the third time, but not for the Jew again.
The Arab gets real cranky so he asks the bartender "What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, all 200 of them, except him and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope" replies the bartender. "He owns the place".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 11:56 PM
A captain of a ship was retiring after 40 years in the business. He'd had some good voyages, and some bad, but it was finally time to sail one last time.
Before each trip, the captain would open a small leather book, read a certain page, close the book and board the ship for the voyage. Only he knew what the leather book said. Not even his first mate knew what the passage was that he read.
The captain had already boarded the ship after reading the book. Taking note where the captain stored it, the first mate told another crewman "We really need to find out what that book says. Tonight, you will distract him, I'll grab the book, and we'll find out what the captain reads before each trip". The crewman agreed, and both waited for nightfall.
At last, the time had come to steal the leather book. Everything went according to plan, and both the first mate and the crewman were hidden in a remote part of the ship, ready to read the words of wisdom the elderly captain examined before each trip. They opened the book. It was empty, except for one page, which read:
"Remember, starboard is right, and port is left".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 11:57 PM
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.
"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"
The wife runs to back to the fridge.
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly! Don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs".
The husband simply smiles and replies "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car" and leaves.
bananadong
11-14-2021, 11:58 PM
A man wanders lost in the desert. The man is dying of thirst and hunger, lost in the desert the man wanders about trying to find his way to civilisation. At some point, the wanderer spots a man riding on a horse in the distance.
The man shouts "Help! Help! I'm lost!"
The rider hears the wanderer's cries and rides up to him. The wanderer sees the rider belongs to one of the native tribes in region.
The man tries to speak with words and gestures "I need water, food". The native responds "Hahribahri, or death?" The man replies "Hahribahri!"
Thinking that it might mean help or water.
The native replies "Hahribahri"
And the native proceeds to rape the man, and then takes off.
The man, being raped, proceeds to struggle onwards with great pain. Out of the horizon the silhouette of a gang of men on horseback appears, the gang closes in, the man thinks this might be his salvation. But soon he sees that it is the same tribe as the native that raped him.
The riders surround the man, and the leader of the gang asks "Hahribahri, or death?" The man, not wanting to die, answers "Hahribahri".
The gang proceeds to savagely rape the man, and then they take off.
The wanderer, survives the ordeal and struggles onwards. After some time, the wanderer spots a flowing river. Thinking that it might be the end of his struggle, the wanderer gets closer to the river but spots a whole tribal village.
The village also spots the man and the whole tribe homes in on him.
The man knows what is to come.
The chief of the tribe looks the man into the eyes, and asks "Hahribahri, or death?"
The man, knowing he won't survive, concedes and replies.
"Give me death".
And so the chief answers "Alright... but first Hahribahri".
bananadong
11-14-2021, 11:59 PM
The morning of my wife's birthday I handed her a gift. As she unwrapped it, she said "It's a fucking wand! What do I want with a fucking wand? Are you saying I'm a witch?" "No no. And it's not just any wand" I replied "It's a magic wand!"
"Oh yeah?" she said. "What does it do?" "Why don't you give it a shake" I told her "and don't forget to say the magic words".
"Okay" she said shaking the wand. "Abracadabra!"
"Fuck me, that's amazing!" I said, peering down the side of the bed. "You're not going to believe this".
"What is it?" she asked all excitedly.
I said "You've just made all your other presents disappear!"
bananadong
11-15-2021, 12:01 AM
My wife had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realised that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realised her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) My wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before". The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed".
--
I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired". His buddy says "Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do". A fellow about age 70, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit".
--
A little boy walked in on his parents having sex. He sees his mother bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says "Mummy, what are you doing?" "Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out. The boy replied "Why bother. Every Tuesday the Auntie Jane comes over and blows him back up again!"
--
A 10-year-old girl asks her mother... "Mummy, how was I born?" The mother smiled and replies "Once upon a time your father and I planted a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the soil and I looked after it. Every day I gave it water and fertilizer. After a while the seed started to grow into a lovely plant with pretty green leaves. After a few months the plant grew big and healthy with lots of buds. When the plant was about 4 feet tall we cut it down and dried it". "... and?" "Then we smoked it and got so high that we boned without a condom".
--
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day. I also listen to their conversations, give ahem the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them and to others I tell the truth (OK that's not normal on FB but!! And it works just like Facebook! I already have at least four people following me: Two tramps one policeman and a psychiatrist!
--
"A Irishman gave instructions for the headstone for his recently departed wife. He wanted the words "She was Thine" on the stone. "A short time later he was told the headstone had been erected, so he went to the cemetery to check. He was horrified to read "She was Thin". "Naturally, he went straight to the monumental masons to complain that they had left the "E" off his wife's headstone. He was assured the matter would be dealt with immediately. A day or so later he returned to the cemetery to view the corrected inscription, only to read: "Ee, She was Thin"
--
A guy shoved his charity bucket in front of my face. He said "Do you wish to change the lives of those that are starving?" I stopped and said "Do you?" "Do I?" he hesitated. "Of course, I do". I said "Then get the fuck out of my way, you're between me and Maccas".
bananadong
11-15-2021, 12:42 AM
A black man, Mexican man and a redneck are walking down the beach one day when they stumble upon a magical lamp.
They rub it and a Genie pops out!
"Thank you for freeing me from 1000 years inside! I will grant each of you ONE wish!"
The black man goes first. "I wish all black people could be returned to Africa to live peacefully and happily with all the resources to guarantee a great life for many generations to come".
*POOF* his wish is granted.
The Mexican man goes next: "I wish all Mexican people could be returned to Mexico to live peacefully and happily with all the resources to guarantee a great life for many generations to come".
*POOF* his wish is granted.
The redneck says "Wait... so all the blacks are in Africa... and all the Mexicans are in Mexico? And I'll never see them again?"
"Yes" says the genie.
"Okay. I guess I'll have a Diet Coke".
bananadong
11-15-2021, 12:49 AM
Charlie went to the doctor's office one day because he was having trouble getting 'little Charlie' hard. He explains his predicament to the doctor who prescribes him some pills and tells him to come back a week later.
A week later Charlie returns and says to the doctor "No luck, doc. These pills didn't seem to work, I still can't get little Charlie hard".
So, the doctor prescribes him even stronger pills and tells him to come back and report what happened in a week's time once again.
Once again, Charlie returns and says "No luck, still can't get him hard. Please doc, I'm desperate! Don't you have anything that can get little Charlie hard? Surely you have something?"
The doctor says "Okay, I didn't want to do this, but there is a remedy. The only thing is, I'll have to inject it directly into little Charlie". "No problem doc!" says Charlie happily. "I'll try anything, as long as little Charlie can get hard again!"
The doctor injects little Charlie and tells Charlie to come back in a week again to report back.
Three days later however, Charlie rings up the doctor and says "Wow doc, this has been great, but little Charlie has now been hard for three days already, and he really needs a rest. I really need you to make him soft again for a bit".
The doctor says "Sorry, no can do, the effects of the injection are permanent. You did agree you wanted it".
"Shit" says Charlie. "What was in the injection doc, if I may ask?" The doctor replies "Three of sand and one of cement".
bananadong
11-15-2021, 12:52 AM
So this just happened, I witnessed a council road worker squashing an innocent snail with his foot. I asked what did he do that for? He replied the fucking thing had been following him around all day!
--
Apparently, there is bi-partisan agreement in Parliament that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain. In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
--
Mother and her dear little six-year-old son visit a friend who's just given birth to a baby with no ears. Mother: "Oh! Doesn't he have lovely eyes, I bet he can see for miles with them". Son: "I bloody well hope so as he will never wear glasses".
--
While carpenters were working outside the old house Liz had just bought, she busied herself with indoor cleaning. Liz had just finished washing the floor when one of the carpenters asked to use the bathroom. With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly scrubbed floors. Just a minute, thinking of a quick solution, Liz said; " l will put down newspapers". The carpenter responded; "That's all right, lady. I'm already house trained".
--
I was told my Egyptian optician had died. Asif Eyecare.
--
For our holiday I got a map of the world, gave my partner a dart, and said we would go wherever the dart lands. I'm happy to announce in August we're going to spend a lovely two weeks picnicking next to the skirting board.
--
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice" said the neighbour "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him". "Cured him!" asked the woman "but how?" The neighbour said "You see, his name is Bill".
--
Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used Condom hanging off your dick. Especially when you weren't wearing one when you started.
--
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this" said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow" said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run!" said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred-yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir" he said "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it".
--
On a menu I saw "Golden Soup" listed. I asked the waitress why it was called Golden Soup. She said it was because there were twenty-four carrots in it.
--
I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions. In the morning, she told me she had a confession. "That's the first time I've done that" she said. "Sex or a one-night stand?" I asked. "Sex. You see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex". "That's fine, I don't mind" I said. She looked at me, with an excited look in her face and said "Good because I much prefer being Christina".
bananadong
11-15-2021, 12:53 AM
An angry wife says to her husband "I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "You would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country!"
--
I went to my girlfriend's funeral today. It was the first time I'd met her parents... what a pair of miserable bastards!
--
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them. They said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
bananadong
11-15-2021, 12:59 AM
Teacher is in the class facing the pupils. One is little Jimmy, the foulest mouthed kid in the school. "Oh well she thinks to herself, I will just try to ignore him".
"So pupils, in today's English lesson we are going to study the word 'fascinate'. Can anybody give me a sentence with 'fascinate' in it?"
Jimmy sticks his hand straight up. "Oh miss! Miss!! Me!"
She ignores him and goes to little Timmy, who says "Yesterday evening I watched a dinosaur movie with my daddy, I found it fascinating". "Not bad" said the teacher "but that's not quite the word we were looking for, anybody else?"
Jimmy hand again shot up "Miss! Oh miss!! Meee!".
She continues to ignore Jimmy and turns to Samantha, who said "In the evening I like to look at the stars through my telescope, because astronomy fascinates me".
"Not bad either" said the teacher "but still not the exact word we were looking for. Anybody else?"
Now only Jimmy has BOTH hands up, so reluctantly she said "Okay Jimmy what have you got?"
"Well" said Jimmy "I went to the shops last week and saw a lady with a 10 button shirt".
The teacher is thinking this is not too bad. "Go on Jimmy, a 10 button shirt..?" "Yeah" he said "her tits were so fucking big she could only fasten eight!"
bananadong
11-15-2021, 12:59 AM
Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'' ''Yes, I remember him as a baby,'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though". the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear,'' says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'' ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too,'' says the mother quietly. ''Oh, gracious me,'' says the other.
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,'' she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school.''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says...
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
bananadong
11-15-2021, 01:03 AM
The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided what the hell, he'll try it.
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realised his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the road. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied "What?"
He heard "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted". "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago".
bananadong
11-15-2021, 01:08 AM
Two Vicars in their lovely Devon parishes meet up every Tuesday for lunch at a pub in between the 2 villages. They always go for a ride on their bikes afterwards.
One week one of the Vicars turns up very late, out of breath and no bike. The other asks where his bike is. And the reply is it's been stolen from outside the church.
"The problem is I don't want to offend any of parishioners however it must have been one of them that took it I don't know what to do".
The other Vicar says my advice would be at your service next Sunday go through the 10 commandments when you get to "Thou shall not steal" the guilty party will realise the error of his ways and return your bike.
The following week the vicar turns up on his bike, his colleague says "The ten commandments speech worked I see" the other vicar says "Sort of, when I got to "thou shall not commit adultery" I remembered where I left it!!"
bananadong
11-15-2021, 01:14 AM
"Hello, you have reached the 'Men's Help Line.' My name is Ken. How can I help you?"
"Hi Ken, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs; the phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up.
Plus, she goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her.
When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
bananadong
11-15-2021, 01:22 AM
After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child. Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.
--
A man goes to a job interview and presents himself well. The interviewers are really impressed by how professional he is. "Wow! You have an amazing resume and you present yourself fantastically but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume, what happened there?" Asked an interviewer". Oh that's when I went to Yale" says the man and the interviewers are even more impressed and offer him a job on the spot. The man shows his gratitude by saying "Thank you for the yob"
--
Tea is an evil substance! I discovered this last night. I had drunk 14 beers up until 3:00 am at the pub, while my wife was at home drinking tea. You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed up to bed as she shouted at me, all night long and even into the next morning. Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, just don't drink it!
--
Someone attacked me with a bat in the park last night. To be fair, I was amazed that he had managed to train it so well.
--
Mum was cleaning Junior's room one day and she found a bondage magazine under his bed. This made her very upset. She put it back under his bed until his father got home and showed him. He gave it a look and handed it right back to her without a word, so she asked him "What should we do about this?" Dad paused and said "Well, whatever you do, I don't think you should spank him".
--
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble". The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No! Leave your knickers on... just stick out your tongue!"
--
An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on "Take your kid to work day". As they were walking around the office the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly: "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you work with?"
--
A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol. She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. She says "I want you to see this". She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear "what do you have to say about this experiment?" The child responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
bananadong
11-15-2021, 01:39 AM
An elderly woman walked into the bank one morning with a purse full of money.
She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied "$165,000".
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square".
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly" replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are NOT square." "Done" the elderly woman answered "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind, I would like to come back at 10 o’clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem" said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course" said the president "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.
He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that at 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the president of the banks balls in my hand!"
bananadong
11-15-2021, 01:43 AM
A teacher asked the children in her third-year class "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as an S.A.S. Officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militants and return as a national hero. Then I'd become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find myself the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane".
The teacher - shocked and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Johnny decided not to acknowledge what he had said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I want to be Johnny's tart!"
bananadong
11-15-2021, 01:44 AM
Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy!" Paddy replies "Okay Mick, I'll be on me way then".
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face!
"Shoite!" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He attempts another step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite! Shoite!!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air, he'll be fine.
So, he belly-crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and... falls flat on his face!
"Bi'Jesus... I'm pissed" he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way!"
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and declares "I can make it to the bed!" He takes a step into the room and... falls flat on his face.
Finally, Paddy falls into bed.
The next morning his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up, Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"
Paddy says "I did, Mary. I was fookin' pissed.. But how did ye know?" "Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub".
bananadong
11-15-2021, 01:45 AM
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
The man responded in a loud voice: "$800 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I’M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her "I study law, and I know how to screw people!"
bananadong
11-15-2021, 01:45 AM
My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said "Thanks" and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked "What was that all about?"
She explained "The egg timer's broken".
bananadong
11-15-2021, 01:47 AM
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister" said the young nun dreamily "I've been saved". "Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven".
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock".
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved".
"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!
bananadong
11-15-2021, 01:50 AM
I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered " the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
--
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned".
--
My teenage son proudly told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son" I said "I hope you used something though?" He replied "Yeah, a balaclava!"
--
A woman buys a new SIM Card, puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room. She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number: "Hello Darling". The husband responds in a low tone "Let me call you back later, Honey. My wife is in the kitchen.
bananadong
11-15-2021, 01:56 AM
A male stripper goes into a restaurant. He sees a beautiful young nun and decides he wants to do the dirty on her. He decides to propose it to her directly.
"Ey girl how you doin'? What do you think about leaving that chastity aside and come with me for a good time?" The nun angrily answers "I am a woman of no man, only God! To hell with you, sinner!"
The man goes to a table, defeated, but then his waiter talks to him.
"Ey you know I've seen that nun praying in the cemetery at midnight sometimes. Maybe if you dress up as God she will let you have sex with her". "Oh shit for real? Let me try it!"
So, he dresses up with some robes and a fake beard, and goes to the cemetery at midnight. Lo and behold, the nun is right there on her knees praying, her sweet ass up to exposure. The stripper talks with the deepest, loudest voice he can make: "Woman, you are in the presence of God, on your knees!" "Oh yes my Lord!" "I wish for you to make love with me!" "Ok, but only anal, I don't want to lose my chastity".
So, they get to it, and after a while of hitting it, the stripper tells her: "Ha! I am the stripper from the restaurant!" To which the nun replies: "Ha! I'M THE WAITER!"
bananadong
11-15-2021, 01:57 AM
An Irishman and an Englishman walk in to a bakery.
The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me".
The Irishman replies "That's just simple thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results".
The Irishman then calls out to the owner of the bakery and says "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick". The owner is intrigued, so he comes over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asks him for a bun and then eats it. He then asks for two more and eats those as well. The owner says "Okay, my friend, where's the magic trick?"
The Irishman says "Look in the Englishman's pocket".
bananadong
11-15-2021, 01:58 AM
In a run-down part of East London recently, a fire destroyed a dilapidated four storey house that had been divided into four flats.
A Nigerian family of six internet con artists and full-time benefit cheats lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang-banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free occupied the third floor and they too, died.
And one middle aged British white couple lived on the top floor.
They miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why were just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service. Questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
The Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment would be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area and demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
The chief fire officer quietly replied: "They were at work".
bananadong
11-15-2021, 02:01 AM
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone. She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her has had enough, he leans over and says into her phone...
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed!"
bananadong
11-15-2021, 02:24 AM
My wife told me that she was cold this morning, I told her to go stand in the corner and she would warm up, how is this possible she asked. I told her the corner is 90 degrees.
--
A young straight couple was in love but they were so poor they could only afford to get married at a gay church. So they met with their gay pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants" whispered the pastor. "Umm, Reverend, I've changed my mind" the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service".
--
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favoured to win nationals easily. Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest". "What?" the coach says in a panic "How far down does it go?" She replies "Down to my testicles. That's something else I want to talk to you about".
--
A Sydney man took his neighbour to court suing for damages. The complaint was that the neighbour's Chihuahua had killed the man's Doberman. The judge said "That's ridiculous, how could a tiny Chihuahua kill a great big Doberman?" The man replied "It got stuck in his throat".
--
A Muslim immigrant kid asks his mother "Mama, what's a Democracy and what is Racism?" "Well, son, Democracy is when Australian tax payers work every day so we can get all our benefits, you know like free housing, free healthcare, more welfare payments than Australian pensioners get, and on and on, you know, that's Democracy". "But Mama, don't the Australian tax payers, and pensioners get pissed off about that?" "Sure they do, and that's called Racism!"
--
A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one. He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago. "Mumma, look what I found!" the boy called out. "What do you have there?" his mother asked. With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
--
The wife came dancing into the living room wearing a new dress she had bought. Pushing her hands down over her hips and looked at a window reflection and said "Do you think this dress I'm wearing makes me look fat?" I looked over the paper "No, it's the fat your wearing that makes you look fat".
--
Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her make up.
--
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" "Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" "Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money". Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.
--
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening. She was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied "Oh, yeah? Prove it". He frowned for a moment, then said "Okay". He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"
bananadong
11-15-2021, 02:25 AM
The teacher was trying to get his seventh-grade history class students to think of how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel" he asked "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?" "Nah" one boy answered "I'd just figure it was my sister's date".
--
Local health inspector goes into a local cafe, to say the place is dirty is an understatement, in the kitchen, the owner was making some bread, he had on a dirty apron, a fag hanging out of his mouth, kneading the bread fag ash falling into the bread mix. The health inspector looks on aghast and says "just look at this place, you are making bread, smoking a fag, worktops filthy, you must have a tool for making the bread". The shop owner says "Yes, but I use that for making doughnuts".
--
The mother-in-law has been dieting for years. But it's only recently that she's achieved, in my humble opinion, the ideal weight. 1.3kg including the urn.
bananadong
11-15-2021, 02:26 AM
A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.
"Very well, my child" says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth "Tell me about your sins".
"Well, Father" says the guy "On Monday, I was at my girlfriend's house, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned, Father".
"Don't worry, child" says the priest "It's perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins".
"But Father" continues the man "It doesn't end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned again, Father".
"Oh, child" says the Father "You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins".
"But Father" says the bloke again "On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and she wasn't there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... again I sinned, Father".
"Good Lord" says the priest "Child, you must think about what you do, so pray--" "But Father" says the bloke "On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned yet again, Father".
The priest falls silent.
"And then" continues the bloke "On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty..."
The priest still did not answer.
"And on Saturday" said the bloke "I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, well..."
The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth - only to find the priest up on the belfry.
"Father" he calls "What are you doing up there? I haven't finished!"
"Fuck off! I'm not coming down" says the priest "The two of us alone, the Church fucking empty... and I don't want you to sin anymore!"
bananadong
11-15-2021, 02:28 AM
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says "This is the most important part and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line: 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress'". The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress". The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered "What happened, did I forget my line?" "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
bananadong
11-15-2021, 02:36 AM
A couple had been happily married for just over 50 years when the wife died. They had spent their entire married life in the Yorkshire Dales.
The husband contacted the local newspaper to enquire about having an obituary published. But when informed of the cost by the lady in the newspaper office, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion "How Much?! You've got to be joking!"
He finally agreed he would have to pay something but wanted to spend as little as possible.
"I want summat simple" he explained. "My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wouldn't have wanted owt swanky".
"Perhaps a small poem?" suggested the woman at the newspaper obituary desk. "Nay, lass" he said "she wouldn't have wanted anything la-di-da like that. And she wouldn't have wanted me to spend too much brass. How's about we just say: "GLADYS SMITH DIED"
"You must say when she died" insisted the lady in the office. "Must I? OK, well, let's just put "DIED 12TH SEPTEMBER 2019. That'll do".
"Okay" said the newspaper lady "but it's also usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed".
The husband considered for a moment. "Well" he said "just include... SADLY MISSED... that'll do".
"For the minimum price, you can have another four words included" the woman explained. "No, no" the husband said. "Gladys wouldn't 'ave wanted me to splash out like that".
"You wouldn't have to. As I've just explained, the extra four words are included in the basic price".
"Are they? You mean I will 'ave paid for 'em anyway?" "Yes, indeed, Mr Smith". "Well, if I'm paying for 'em, I'm damn well 'avin 'em!"
The final wording was agreed and the following obituary was duly printed in the next day's edition of the Yorkshire Post"
"GLADYS SMITH DIED 12TH SEPTEMBER 2019. SADLY MISSED. ALSO TRACTOR FOR SALE".
bananadong
11-15-2021, 02:38 AM
A man who worked for a fire station came home from work one day and told his wife "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks.
So, from now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed, and when I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night".
The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1" and his wife took off her clothes. He then yelled "Bell 2" and his wife jumped into bed. Then he yelled "Bell 3" and they began to make love.
After 2 minutes, his wife yelled "Bell 4!"
The husband asked "What's this Bell 4??" And the wife replied "More Hose!! You're nowhere near the fire!"
bananadong
11-15-2021, 02:57 AM
After making love to Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are two things you all need to know. She really is as sexy as hell and, secondly, the staff at Madam Tussaud's are miserable bastards with no sense of humour.
--
One night a lady with a black eye stumbled into a police station. She told the desk sergeant that she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye. "Did you get hit by the same attacker?" his captain asked. "No, sir" he replied. "I stepped on the same rake".
--
In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut, as it happens), people from Liverpool in England have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Liverpool's inner-city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
--
Kyle and Justin were about to eat with their babysitter when 6-year-old Kyle said "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!" "Daddy's not home" the babysitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today, I'm the boss". Justin, the 4-year-old, quickly piped up "If you're the boss, you sit over there in Mummy's chair.
--
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. Judge: "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane"... Mickey replied "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking Goofy!"
--
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard" replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine" said the girl. "I'll take ten yards". With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled "Grandpa will pay the bill".
--
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man's leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passer-by saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass".
bananadong
11-15-2021, 03:02 AM
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, and strips off and says says "This is for the flowers!" "Don't be silly" says Paddy "You must have a vase somewhere!"
--
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?" She screamed "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!" He shrugged and turned away saying "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then".
--
A doctor, examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said "I don't like the looks of your wife at all". "Me neither doc" said the husband "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids".
bananadong
11-15-2021, 03:06 AM
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a note with $20 attached to it in his mouth reading "10 Lamb chops please".
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the 'stop' bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He barks repeatedly. No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself *WHAP* against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So, he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds "Genius, my arse! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
bananadong
11-15-2021, 03:09 AM
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.
Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed.
He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Not really, Papa, it was boring.
We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shite, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left wing prick, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!
We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw.
bananadong
11-15-2021, 03:14 AM
An old Marine pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a beautiful young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked "Are you a real pilot?"
He replied "Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so yeah, I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?"
She said "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women".
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked "Are you a real pilot?" He replied "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian".
bananadong
11-15-2021, 03:15 AM
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying.
The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologised and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlour to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears, as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit" the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit".
Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.
"After that" he continued "it was just a matter of swapping the heads".
bananadong
11-15-2021, 03:25 AM
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'Nothing'. The reason I said "Nothing" instead of saying "Just thinking" is because she then would have asked "About what?" You know what nosey sods they can be! At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally, I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a bloke getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they 'know'?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really 'know' here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "It might be nice to have another child". On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts".
bananadong
11-15-2021, 03:27 AM
Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, Dave had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to" Dave replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said 'Surprise'".
"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want"...
bananadong
11-15-2021, 03:27 AM
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What's the smallest calibre that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire. Here's her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-foot alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 calibre pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus too".
bananadong
11-15-2021, 03:28 AM
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
"Mummy" said the little boy "what are all those ladies doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work" she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money".
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true, mummy?"
His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mummy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" "They mostly become cab drivers" she replied.
bananadong
11-16-2021, 02:40 AM
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business. Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. BEST PRICES!" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store. Best quality!" The one in the middle thinks about it for a while and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. MAIN ENTRANCE!"
--
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir" the older one replied. "I see" said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother". "Your mother? You idiot, women do not have penises!" "I know, sir" replied the recruit "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could!"
--
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion. The Italian said "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, nonstop for five minutes". The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight". The Aussie said "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, ya know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours". The Italian and Frenchman, are astonished, and asked "Two full hours? Wow! that's unbelievable. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Aussie replied "I wiped my hands on the curtains".
--
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me". She replies "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221".
--
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court" said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
--
A new, fast, sex-change procedure was unveiled recently at a medical conference. Finally, there is a rapid new method to simply attach a penis to a woman who wishes to become a man. Delegates deliberated for hours trying to figure out what to call this new breakthrough. They sat discussing: "Well, when a man has his ducts tied, it's a vasectomy, when a women gets sorted out down there it's called a hysterectomy, giving a man a woman's organ is called a vaginoplasty... etc". And, so they went on. Until one guy said: "I know, why don't we call it the strapacocktomy?"
--
A man walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea'. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked return it tomorrow and get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself'. So, she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says "My god, it wasn't that creased in the shop". His funeral is this Thursday.
--
Just buried my wife today after she died about a month ago. Whilst at the funeral, the undertaker pulled me one side and asked me why it had taken me so long to bury my wife after being dead for a whole month. I said I hadn't even noticed she had died at first. Shocked and surprised he asked me "Why's that?" To which I replied "Well the sex was still pretty much the same, but after a month I noticed the dishes and washing started piling up".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 02:41 AM
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news" the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left". "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten" the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?" "Nine..."
--
A man walked into the doctor's office. He had a carrot in one ear, a stalk of celery in his other ear and a grape in each nostril. He asks the doctor "Doctor, what's wrong with me?" The doctor looks at the guy and says "Well, you're not eating properly".
--
You never realise how anti-social you are until there's a pandemic and your life really doesn't change that much.
bananadong
11-16-2021, 02:43 AM
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.
He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?" The Director asks in turn arrogantly "Why are you so interested in that...?" "I have a million dollars in your bank" the shoeshine says "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market".
"What your name?" asks the Director. "John Smith H." he says.
The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department "Do we have a client named John Smith H.?" "Certainly" answers the Customer Service Manager "he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account".
The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says "Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honour at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you".
At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members.
"We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; but Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him".
Mr. Smith began his story "I came to this country fifty-years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place".
"Then finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 02:44 AM
Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze. Once in the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.
Ray says "I've got an idea" and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. "here Fred, stick this in your pants, I know how we can drink all night for free".
"What the hell, Ray? Now we don't have any money!". "Don't worry, we'll go to the bar, order some drinks and when the bartender asks us to pay the tab, you stand up, unzip your fly, pull out the sausage and I'll start sucking on it".
The two blokes walk to the nearest bar, sit down and order two beers and two shots of whiskey. They down the drinks and order another round, drink those and order another. After the third round the bartender asks them to pay up. With that, Fred stands up, unzips his fly and Ray leaned over and proceeded to suck sausage.
"What the fuck are you doing? Get the hell out of my bar!" says the bartender, the two run out laughing.
"That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent" says Fred. "Let's do it again!"
So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues through the night.
At the end of the night, after about the 12th bar, Ray says "Man, I'm starving. All that beer made me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it".
"Sausage?" says Fred "I ate it four bars ago!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 02:46 AM
Cinderella was now 75-years-old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she sat happily in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan.
One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy" she said.
Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.
"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother" said Cinderella.
"Is there anything else you might wish for" asked the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had".
At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.
The Fairy Godmother said "You have one wish remaining, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said "I wish for you to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man".
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life" and with that, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath "Bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 02:48 AM
A guy is strolling down the street in London where he comes across an old lamp.
He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies I've always wanted to be lucky".
The genie grants his wish.
So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies $10 on the footpath.
Not a bad start he thinks.
As he picks it up, he notices a betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot.
He puts the $10 on the horse, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole $1010 on "Lucky seven".
Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" on Lucky Seven.
Now he's really flying... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden, he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne.
The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1,000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge". The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl... so he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental beauty he has ever seen.
Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra is being well and truly tested. At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead".
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark".
So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts laughing his ass off. "What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl. To which the bloke replies "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 02:50 AM
A man is walking his dog, a Rottweiler, through the forest on a hot summer's day when he comes to a clearing.
In the clearing there's a natural pond so he sits by the water, just enjoying the view and the peace, his dog lying by his side. He hears a noise and turns round to see another dog, a Golden Retriever, coming through the trees, followed by the most beautiful blonde woman he's ever seen. The women smiles and sits next to him, seemingly also enjoying the view and the peace.
After a while she points at their two dogs lapping at the water and she smiles and says "They've got the right idea". She takes a couple of cans of beer from her backpack and passes one to him. They sit there in silence for a bit longer, sipping their cold beers.
Then the woman points at their two dogs, now swimming in the pond, and she smiles and says "They've got the right idea".
She strips down to her underwear and slips into the water. The man quickly strips to his underpants and dives into the water, which is cold and refreshing.
After a few minutes of splashing and swimming, the woman again points to their two dogs, now on the grassy bank by the water, fucking vigorously, and she says "They've got the right idea". She languidly climbs out of the water, slips out of her underwear and lays on the grass, waiting.
He can't contain his excitement, so he too climbs from the water, removes his underpants and lays next to the woman, turns to her and says "Are you sure your dog won't mind?"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 02:51 AM
Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...
He asked again, in German. Again, the two workers did not understand him.
He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.
He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.
One guy turned to the other guy and said "You know, maybe we should learn a second language". "Why would you want to do that?" replied the other guy. "It would help out in situations like the one we just had".
"What good would knowing a second language be? That guy knew 4 and it didn't help him any".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 02:52 AM
A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.
"I have an idea!" says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...
"If he takes the money, he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he'll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he'll be a preacher".
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table.
He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down.
He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down.
He picks up the bible, leafs through it, and sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey and walks off with the bible under his arm.
"Well, how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 03:09 AM
A man is stopped by an old woman who was holding out seeds and says "Take these seeds and you will be on your way to success".
The man takes the seeds and plants them, going to sleep and waking up the next day to find the seeds have sprouted into a gigantic tree.
A booming voice rings out from above him: "Climb this tree to success!"
The man does so, climbing into the tree and climbing up, he finds a clear patch on a thick flat branch and sees an old man, the old man says "I know success well and I can teach you a lot, but continue to climb and you will learn success yourself".
The man agrees and climbs higher, climbing up until he sees that the limbs were turning gold and leaves were becoming jewels, coming to another landing to see piles of gold coins.
The man thinks there must be more if he continues so he continues climbing and comes to the third landing, a beautiful woman was standing there, dazzling in the light of the sun.
"I am the embodiment of your fantasies, I'll do anything you request, but if you wish, you can continue climbing to the top to success".
The man, a buzzing question, what could be at the top, raced through his mind, so he continues to climb. At the very top was the final clearing, the old man from before standing before him. The man turns around with a big grin under his bushy beard and says. "Hello, I'm Cess".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 03:10 AM
A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No" she says "they're all in the frickin' Land Rover and one of them is beeping the horn"...
bananadong
11-16-2021, 03:11 AM
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight" she said.
He whirled around and screamed "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN! DON'T YOU EVER STOP!?"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 03:13 AM
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what they need at home? First kid says "A computer". Teacher replies "That'd be very useful, every family should have a computer". The second kid says "We really need a lawn mower" and the teacher responds by saying "That's an excellent choice". Little johnny pops up saying "At my house we don't need anything". The teacher asks him to think again carefully because everybody needs something. Little Johnny replies "Nope I'm sure. When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember Dad saying, Well, that's the last fucking thing we need".
--
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied "We don't know what to do with this baby". So the chief surgeon took one look and said "You should put him into a mental institution". "Why?" asked the head nurse. "Well" replied the chief surgeon "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts".
--
A man got in a taxi to be driven to work. They were about to turn a corner, but had to wait for the light. The taxi cab driver wasn't sure his blinkers were working so he said to the man "Will you look out the window and make sure my blinkers are working?" As requested, the man stuck his head out the window and responded "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."
--
What has happened to morality? I never thought my wedding ring would be a status symbol in the maternity ward.
--
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions" he observed. To the first mother, he said "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy". He turned to the second mum "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny". At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered "Come on, dick, let's go".
--
The woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very worried. She says "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face. What's wrong with me, doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes and then calmly says "Well I can tell you that there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 03:16 AM
A man is dying of a rare disease.
This disease has left his body covered in large, bright, yellow, pus-filled craters and has grown exponentially worse over the course of a few months. The man is told by numerous doctors that there is no cure to his life- threatening illness and he doesn't have much time to live.
A Make-A-Wish-esque foundation hears of his condition and decides to let him live out any experience he'd like.
The man has always been a huge baseball fan, but has never been to a Major League game, so he asks to be taken to the Cincinnati Reds opening day game.
He gets to the game and gets the full experience. He's sitting right behind home plate, he's been given food and beer and memorabilia and he's having a great time.
It's the bottom of the second inning and all of a sudden, a man two rows behind him starts vomiting everywhere.
The dying man turns around and realises it's probably the sight of his disfigured body that is making the other man sick.
"I'm sorry sir" says the dying man "if my appearance is making you sick, I can leave. I don't want to ruin the game for anyone". "No, no" replies the other man "it's okay. Just enjoy the game. I'll be fine".
So the game continues and two innings later, the man two rows back starts throwing up again.
"Seriously man, if I'm grossing you out, I'll leave. I don't want to be a burden" says the dying man. "No, I swear, I'm fine" urges the other man "Just enjoy the game"
Finally, after two more innings, the man two rows back starts vomiting worse than before. "I'm just going to go". Demands the dying man. "I'm sorry I've ruined the game for you. I'm just going to leave".
At that the man two rows back finally responds. "No, I'm telling you it's not you at all, it's just... the man behind you keeps dipping his nachos in your neck".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 03:18 AM
One morning, at the research lab an assistant accidentally left a cage open while cleaning, and a little bunny rabbit escaped when he wasn't looking.
The little bunny rabbit followed the assistant out of the room, down the hallway, and right out the door.
The little bunny rabbit looked around in amazement; he'd been born in a cage, he'd never seen the outside before! He hopped over onto the grass, feeling it under his little bunny feet for the first time. He hopped down into a meadow, bewildered at all the new experiences: the grass, the blue sky, the fresh air...
"Hiya, pal! You're new around here!" The little bunny rabbit turned at the sound to see another little bunny rabbit. This meadow bunny didn't look sickly like the other bunnies in the lab, though. He looked strong and healthy.
"Y-yes, I, uh, just got here".
The meadow bunny smiled and said "Well, come with me, pal. I'll show you around!" He led the little bunny rabbit to a wide field that was covered in small purple flowers. "This is our clover field, help yourself and eat as much as you'd like".
Hesitantly, the little bunny rabbit took a bite. It was delicious! "Oh, my! This is so much better than the pellets they fed me in the lab!" He ate and ate until he could eat no more.
The meadow bunny said "I'll bet you're thirsty! Come on, let's get you a drink". He led the little bunny rabbit to a burbling stream. "As you can see, the water never stops. Whenever you're thirsty, come and drink all you'd like".
The little bunny rabbit took a drink. It was the sweetest water he'd ever tasted! "My" said the little bunny rabbit. "This water is so refreshingly cold, and it doesn't taste like plastic!" He drank until his thirst was quenched.
"Come with me" said the meadow bunny. "I want to introduce you to everyone". And he led the little bunny rabbit to a clearing where dozens of girl bunnies leaped about and played. He introduced the little bunny rabbit to the girl bunnies, who all were very excited to meet him. And so that is how the little bunny rabbit spent his first afternoon of freedom: eating sweet clover, drinking cold fresh water, and frolicking with the girl bunnies.
The western sky was reddening and the shadows of the trees were stretching long across the clearing when the meadow bunny hopped up to the little bunny rabbit and said "Friend, you look tired! Come with me and I'll show you where you can sleep".
The little bunny rabbit said "Thank you, new friend. You and all the others have been very kind, but I must go now".
Astonished, the meadow bunny said "But... why?" "I have to get back to the lab" said the little bunny rabbit. "I'm dyin' for a smoke".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 03:22 AM
Two Robbers entered a bank in a small town.
One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you".
Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.
One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner. The robber approached her saying "Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly".
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.
While running from the bank the youngest robber, who had a college degree, said to the oldest robber, who had barely finished elementary school: "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole?" The older man replied: "Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank".
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.
After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen". "Wait, said the Accountant "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today's robbery".
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.
The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million. The robbers then counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble. "We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe it's better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber".
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.
Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.
bananadong
11-16-2021, 03:24 AM
A young man is being pursued by a young admiring woman. Eventually, he has no choice but to grant her a private audience.
Relentlessly she asks him for a quickie in the sack though he tried hard to refuse her. Finally giving in to her demands for carnal knowledge, he says "Okay, but there is one condition: I have a particular fetish that you must perform in order to sleep with me". "I'll do anything for you" replies the succubus "Just name it".
So the man says to the woman "You know... I really enjoy it when there's a sort of lightning effect. So you must reach over to that switch on the wall and flick it on and off every few seconds".
The woman agrees and starts flicking the light switch off with her left arm. She then asks "Now can I fuck you?"
"Not quite yet" replies the man. "Lightning is nice, but it doesn't really mean much without thunder. So with your right leg, I want you to open and close the cabinet door whenever you flick the light on".
"Okay" says the horny young maid, and she begins to coordinate her flicks and clacks. "Now can I fuck you?" she asks as she is switching between arm and leg movements.
"Not quite yet" replies the man. "This is all very nice, but there can't really be thunder and lightning without wind. I'd like you to reach behind your head with your right hand and open and shut the windows".
She says "Okay" and begins opening the shutter and closing it with her right hand. And of course, it's raining and some drops are coming in the window.
So there she is, making lightning with her left hand, creating thunder with her right leg, and using her right hand to make wind and rain. Desperate and beyond understanding of his fetish, the young woman finally begs him "NOW can we fuck? PLEASE?!"
And the young man looks at her shocked and says "What do you mean 'have sex'? In this weather!?"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 03:33 AM
Two blondes failed math class and have to take an oral exam with the professor.
The prof asks the first blonde "You are travelling in a train and it is very hot, what do you do?" "I open the window".
"Great. The train is travelling north-east at 80 miles per hour, and a wind blows south at 12 miles per hour. Given the size of the cabin is 9 cubic meters and the surface area of the open window is 2 square meters, how long does it take for the room to fill with fresh air?"
"I... I don't know..."
"Clearly you have not studied" says the professor "I'll see you next year".
He turns to the second blonde. "Miss, you are travelling in a train and it is very hot, what do you do?" "I take off my jacket".
"Ok, but it is still too hot". "Then I take off my sweater and unbutton my shirt".
"It is far too hot for that still". "Well then" says the blonde "I take off my shirt, and pants, and underpants, and I guess I sit there naked".
"And what if there are some sketchy men in the cabin with you getting excited by this?" the prof asks. "Look" exclaims the blonde "I don't care if Bill Cosby is sitting on my left, Derrick Rose on my right, and Donald Trump just walked through the door, I'm not opening that fucking window!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 03:34 AM
Three men are preparing to go on a sightseeing plane ride. They were just about to leave, but then they decided that they wanted some snacks for their plane ride, so they head to a local grocery store before going to the airport.
While there, the first man buys an apple. The second man buys a pear. The third man buys a bomb, thinking it was also a piece of fruit. After checking out, they went to the airport.
They got onto the very small sightseeing plane and the pilot took off. The tour was very lovely, and the men got to see all sorts of wonderful features, both manmade and natural. About halfway through the tour, the men got hungry.
The first man tried his apple. "This tastes disgusting!" he said, and threw it out the window.
The second man tries his pear. "This tastes disgusting!" he said, and threw it out the window.
The third man tries to eat his bomb. He finds he cannot bite into it, so he too threw it out the window.
The plane lands and the men decided to get a real meal.
They went to a nearby Italian restaurant, where they gorged themselves. After they ate, the second man suggested that they go for a walk to ease their stomachs. They headed over to a local park where they came across a little girl who was crying.
The first man said "Why are you crying little girl?" She responded "An apple fell out of the sky, and hit me on the head".
The men comforted her until her mother came over, then they continued on their walk. Soon they came across a little boy who was crying.
The second man asked "Why are you crying little boy?" He responded "A pear fell out of the sky, and knocked my kite into that tree".
The men helped the kid retrieve his kite, and then continued on their walk again. Then, they came across another little girl, but this one was laughing her butt off.
The third man asked her "Why are you laughing your butt off, little girl?" She responded, choking back tears "I farted, and the building behind me blew up!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 03:35 AM
A Polish man moved to America and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him "very quick". The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "TAK, TAK, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms".
LAWYER: "No" I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar" he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No" he replied "we have a two-car carport, and have never really needed one".
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland ".
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes".
LAWYER: "No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her".
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "NO, she white".
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me".
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof".
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says 'Polish Remover!'"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 03:48 AM
I am so naive. The lads in the pub were saying how good a blow job was yesterday. I didn't know what a blow job was so I just agreed so as not to look daft. Later on at home I asked the girl I was seeing if she knew. "Do you know what a blow job is?" She got up and walked out of the room, which was upsetting as she was sucking my dick at the time.
--
I went for a job interview today and the manager said "We're looking for someone who is responsible". "Well, I'm your man". I replied "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible".
--
Hunter was 4-years-old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked "Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?" His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. "Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse". "Oh," Little Hunter said "OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily "Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you".
--
A beautiful, sexy, blonde girl came home unexpectedly one night. She went upstairs and opened the door to the bedroom. What she saw completely shocked her. A woman having sex with her husband. She immediately ran down stairs, loaded a pistol with ammo and went back up to confront the husband. As she stood in the doorway, she held the pistol against her own head, tears streaming forth. Her husband, totally aghast, said... "Honey! I am so sorry... please don't do this. She screamed back at him..."Shut up you arsehole, you're next!"
--
On a train from London to Manchester to watch the cricket, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us? Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood... What do you say to that?" The Englishman replied "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
--
My wife arrived back from her driving test today. "So" I asked excitedly "how did you get on?" "Not good" she replied. "He failed me!". "Oh dear!" I said sympathetically. "It can't be that bad, what did he pull you up on?". "A rope" she replied. "The car's still at the bottom of the lale".
--
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted "Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw" the man hollered back "Ain't been any for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'" the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 03:56 AM
A Muslim woman in full dress knocked on my door last night. I didn't open the door, I just spoke to her through the letterbox to see how she likes it!
-
Three Eskimos are sitting around an ice hole fishing when the topic of coldest igloo pops up.
The first Eskimo says "My igloo is definitely the coldest. I'll show you"
So they all head over to the first Eskimo's igloo where he says "Watch this". He gathers up a big wad of spit in his mouth and spits out. When the spit hits the floor all they hear is 'plink-plink-plink'.
The second Eskimo says "That's nothing. Let's go to my igloo".
They all head to the second Eskimo's igloo and pile in. The second Eskimo says "Watch this". At this point the second Eskimo pulls down his fur laden pants, whips out his penis and starts pissing in the air. As the piss arcs towards the floor, the Eskimos see the pee start to freeze mid-air in a perfect crystallized arc before a drop even hits the floor and then shatters on the floor.
The third Eskimo chimes in "Impressive, but you aint seen nothing". He ushers them to his igloo, and when he gets there he starts shuffling through some dirty clothes in a hamper. He pulls out a pair of white underpants and holds it up for the other two Eskimos to inspect. All they could see was that the underpants had a brown streak on the back.
The first two Eskimos look at him puzzled. The first saying "So, you shit yourself, that doesn't make your igloo the coldest".
The third Eskimo says "Hold on, hold on". He goes to a nearby fire and holds the underpants over it.
After a few seconds the underpants let out a huge long fa
bananadong
11-16-2021, 04:09 AM
* After a few seconds the underpants let out a huge long fart.
bananadong
11-16-2021, 04:21 AM
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.
He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said "This is from the gentleman seated over there" and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a $1M in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady. It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari California, a BMW i8, a Mercedes SLS, and a Porsche cayenne in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over $20M in the bank and investments.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the fucking wine back'.
bananadong
11-16-2021, 04:26 AM
A traveling salesman employs a man with a stutter to sell toothbrushes.
His expectations are low for this guy, so he gives him a couple dozen toothbrushes to sell, expecting him to flop out.
To his surprise, the man returns in an hour with all the money.
"S-s-sold then a-all!" he says.
The salesman chalks it up to beginners' luck, and hands the stuttering man a hundred toothbrushes, and sends him out.
By the end of the day, he returns with all the cash from selling them.
"F-f-finished. I c-c-can sell a lot m-more" he says.
Bewildered, the salesman hands the man box upon box, a thousand toothbrushes, convinced that this will keep him busy for a while. But in 3 days, the stuttering man returns, having sold all the toothbrushes.
"That's it" the salesman exclaims. "How can you sell better than me? You have an obvious stutter, it must be impossible to complete a sale. Show me how you manage to sell so many of my toothbrushes".
So the man with the stutter takes his boss to the airport, where he sets up a table in a busy terminal. He displays the toothbrushes and some chips n' dip on the table. The salesman stared at him, stunned.
"This is it? That's all you do?" "T-t-taste the ch-chips, man".
The salesman walks up and takes a chip, dips it, and eats it. He instantly spits it out and starts gagging.
"This, ---spfftt---, this tastes like *shit*!" "Y-y-yup. Want a t-t-toothbrush?"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 04:27 AM
The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself".
"After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb".
The crowd applauded.
The second lady from Russia, stood up and said "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well".
The crowd again applauded.
The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia, stood up and said "Afta lass year's conference, I wen 'ome and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin' his tucker and washin' his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.
The crowd went wild with applause.
She continued "Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day, I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 04:41 AM
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo.
As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.
They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
Well, the guy has his doubts, but hey, he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage.
The people all cheer to see him.
He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up.
This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage!
As he lies there stunned, the lion roars.
He's terrified and starts screaming "Help, Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 05:11 AM
At dawn, the telephone rings.
"Hello, senor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house". "Ah yes Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead". "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one". "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Bob". "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse". "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Bob". "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart". "Are you insane?" What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor". "Good Lord, what fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house Senor! A candle fell and your curtains caught on fire". "What the hell? Are you saying my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?"
"Yes, Senor Bob". "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Bob...." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Bob. She showed up very late one night, and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her on the head with your Ping G15 titanium head golf club with the new TFC 149D graphite shaft".
SILENCE...
LONG SILENCE...
VERY LONG SILENCE...
"Ernesto, if you broke that fucking driver, you're in deep shit!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 05:12 AM
Once upon a time, in a kingdom, there live a Queen with humungous breasts.
Every man in the kingdom fantasized about the Queen and her huge breasts. The general, Lucas, especially wanted to play with them but he knew that it was impossible. He told the royal doctor about his obsession with the queen's breasts. The doctor told him that he would help but he will charge a thousand gold coins for doing so. Lucas agreed to give him whatever amount he wanted as long as he gets to fondle those titties.
The next day, the doctor snuck into the queen's room as she was bathing and put some itchy powder in her bra.
The Queen started getting an itch on her breasts and it wouldn't stop so she told the King about it and the King turned to the doctor about it. The doctor said that her itch would stop by the saliva of general Lucas only.
So the King summoned Lucas and ordered him to lick her breasts. Lucas did so happily, licKing each and every part of her boobs. The doctor had given Lucas the antidote to put in his mouth before he would start.
The Queen was eased and Lucas was satisfied. The doctor asked for his fees but Lucas refused thinking that the doctor couldn't complain to the King or court.
But the doctor wanted revenge so he took the same itchy powder and put it in the king's underpants as he was bathing.
Again, Lucas was summoned this time to ease the King.
Moral of the story - pay your bills!
bananadong
11-16-2021, 05:14 AM
In the midst of the Cold War, the CIA sends its best spy into Russia. He has spent the last 10 years learning how to blend in with the locals. He speaks perfect Russian, he can dance the Kalinka better than anyone, and he can drink an entire bottle of vodka without batting an eyelash.
As soon as he's ready, a helicopter flies him by night to a remote Russian province and sets him down near a village.
The spy knocks on the first door in the village, posing as a poor lost traveler. An old babushka answers the door.
"Please madam" says our spy in perfect Russian "I was lost in the forest, and I need somewhere to stay". "Well you can't stay here" says Babushka. "You are an American spy".
Shocked that she guessed his secret, the spy nevertheless kept his cool. "You are mistaken, madam" he says. "I am from Russia. Otherwise, I would not know how to do this".
And he dances his perfect Kalinka.
"You dance well" says Babushka. "But you are still an American spy".
Getting nervous, the spy tries again. "You are mistaken, madam" he says. "I can prove it for certain". He pulls a bottle of vodka from his rucksack and chugs the whole thing.
"You hold your vodka" says Babushka "But you are still an American spy".
"Alright" sighs the spy. "I give up. But I speak perfect Russian, danced the Kalinka, and drank a whole bottle of vodka - how did you know I'm an American spy?"
"You're black".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 05:19 AM
A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant. "Men prefer thin women" said the skinny woman. "Really? Did your boyfriend tell you that?" said the fat one. "No, your boyfriend did".
--
"Where's the barber who worked on the next chair?" asked the old customer as he was getting a shave. Hadn't you heard about Bill? said the barber. It was a very sad case. He grew nervous and despondent over poor business, and one day when a customer said he didn't care for a massage he suddenly went out of his mind and slashed the customer's throat. He is in the asylum for the criminal insane now. Will you be having a massage, sir?" "Sure, go ahead!" said the customer.
--
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said "Your first job will be to sweep out the store". "But I'm a graduate" the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that" said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how"...
--
I walked into the pub earlier and shouted "I'd like to buy a round of drinks for everyone!". There were loud cheers and people were clapping me on the back in gratitude. About half an hour later the landlord smiled "That was some gesture "before presenting bar with a bill for $826. "Mate, fucking hell!" I protested "I said I'd LIKE to... I never said I could actually afford it"...
--
A man's business was growing and he decided to open his first international office in Australia. His friends got together and decided to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card "Rest in Peace" The owner was angry and immediately called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this... Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying 'Congratulations on your new location down under'".
--
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon. Not Bad.
--
An elderly couple stopped at a motorway service station for lunch. After having something to eat, they continued on their way. About an hour later she remembered she had left her glasses in the restaurant. If this wasn't bad enough, they had to drive a further 20 miles to turn around. All the way back to the restaurant the husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained scolding his wife the entire return drive. He wouldn't let up for a minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old geezer yelled at her "While you're at it, you might as well get my hat and credit card!"
--
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This fat chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said "Hi sweetie... how about you take me back to your place and we'll have some fun?" I said "Sorry, I can't. I haven't got any lubricant". She said breathlessly "You won't need any lubricant with me sweetie". I said "Yes I will. I've only got standard size door frames".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 05:20 AM
An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond. The Amish man shouts: "Nicht das Wasser trinken, die Schweine haben Scheiße drin". which means: "Don't drink the water; the pigs have shit in it". The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English. "The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more".
--
A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said "Your heart would be just below your left breast". Later that night Mildred was wheeled to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
bananadong
11-16-2021, 05:46 AM
Two Aussies, Ferret and Knackers, were adrift in a life boat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.. He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie!
This genie, however was a little different. He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher.
The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was that had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 05:58 AM
A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks "What's the matter?" The guy replies "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods".
The bartender suggests "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?" The guy says "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it".
A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender says "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"
A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!" The bartender yells "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.
The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 05:59 AM
The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash.
When her husband asks "Where did that come from?" She replies "I won it in a lottery!" To which he replies "That's great! Let's go celebrate".
The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat.
Again, the husband asks "Where did that come from?" She says "I couldn't believe it! Another lottery ticket came through for me!!"
The next day she comes in, looking tired, wearing a two-carat diamond ring.
The husband says "I know. You won the lottery. Right?" She replies "Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Honey, would you draw me a bath? Please?" "Sure" he answers.
So, the guy goes in and starts drawing the bath water for his wife. After he gets a quarter inch of water in the bottom of the tub, he turns off the water. "Your tub is ready" he calls to his wife.
She starts to get in the tub and looks at him, dismayed, and asks "Why is there only a quarter inch of water in here?" To which he loudly replies "I wouldn't want you to get your lottery ticket wet!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 06:00 AM
Dave wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box for an interview.
The inspector asks "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Dave says "I would switch the points for one of the trains".
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box" said Dave "and I'd use the manual lever over there".
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then" Dave continues "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box".
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case" persevered Dave "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there".
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get Nev".
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's always wanted to see a train crash".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 06:01 AM
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but he gets lonely after a few months...
The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc but every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.
Finally, she is well enough to walk and she says to him "thank you, thank you for saving my life. I do not know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it!?"
The guy thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 06:03 AM
An old priest got sick and tired hearing so many in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'm quitting!"
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen".
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen". This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until one day the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor, indicating he was quite concerned and telling the mayor "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.
But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said "I don't understand why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 06:29 AM
After having their eleventh child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.
So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem".
"Trust me, it will do the job" said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5" at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
bananadong
11-16-2021, 07:20 AM
That Argentine submarine went missing with 43 men and 1 woman on board. I wonder which crew member was reading the map...
bananadong
11-16-2021, 07:20 AM
I went out nightclubbing last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said "Good legs". The girl giggled and said "Do you really think so?" I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 07:21 AM
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat". Little Johnny replied "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old". The man asked "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered "No, he minded his own fucking business!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 07:21 AM
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem". The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mum" he exclaimed "for me?" "Just take two" Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 07:22 AM
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door". John says "Well, give me some examples". Jill proceeds to tell him "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me". "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either". Then Jill said "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" John proceeds to say "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 07:22 AM
A man answers his front door and there's a Guard standing there holding a photo. "Is this your wife, sir?" says the Guard. Shocked, the man says "Yes, it is". Guard says "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". "Yeah I know" says the man "but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 07:25 AM
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right". The man thanked the boy kindly and said "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday... I'll show you how to get to Heaven". The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're bullshitting me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 07:34 AM
A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So, when she goes inside to pay, she explains the problem and asks the attendant for help. He hands her an old wire coat hanger and explains how to push it through the window etc. She returns outside and begins to try and catch the lock with hanger. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring. Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while another blonde inside the car is saying "A little more to the Ieft... a little more to the right!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 07:36 AM
A cranky older woman in her senior years was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool".
The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store".
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. In a nasty tone she replied "Nine! But why do you care about that?" The judge answered patiently "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail - one day for each peach".
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak. The judge said "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"
The husband said meekly "Your Honour, she also stole two cans of peas".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 07:55 AM
One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Craig, the home owner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
"Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night" the Postman commented. Craig, in obvious pain, replied "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"
The Postman thought for a moment and said "How do you play WHO AM I?" "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..."
The postman laughed and said "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it". "Probably a good thing you did" Craig responded "Your name came up 7 times".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 08:16 AM
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde - the works!
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your driver's license?" "What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration... what's that...?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment" said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute" said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back "Umm... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes" replied the officer. "Is she a drop-dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes" replied the cop. "Here's what you do" said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back and drop your pants". "What? I can't do that. It's... very inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop. "Trust me. Just do it" said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs... "Ohh no, not another breathalyzer...
bananadong
11-16-2021, 08:19 AM
A woman went to her doctor clinic. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63-years-old, she has been widowed for 5 years, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 08:20 AM
A man phoned his doctor saying his wife appeared to have appendicitis. "That's impossible" the physician replied. "She had an appendectomy last year. Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?" "No, arsehole" the husband replied. "Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 08:21 AM
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards. Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, in and out. She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back, she was so wet. She moaned softly at first then began to groan louder. Finally, she screamed loudly "Okay, okay!! You smug bastard! You park the fucking car!!".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 08:22 AM
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line". "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 08:26 AM
The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer some of them an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major. When asked where he would like to be measured, he replied "From the tip of my dick to the back of my balls".
The man asked if he wanted to reconsider his choice, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to drop 'em, which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the dick and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed. "Where are your testicles?"
The old Sergeant Major calmly replied "Vietnam".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 08:27 AM
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.
"So" the coach continued "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head".
Do you understand all that?" Again, the little boy nodded.
He continued "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a-hole', is it?" Again, the little boy nodded.
"Good" said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 08:29 AM
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you mean? I'm fine". "What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before". "Well" said the pirate "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really". "Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands". "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really". "Oh" said the bartender "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes". "One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye". "You're kidding" said the bartender "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!" "Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet..."
bananadong
11-16-2021, 08:30 AM
There was a 80-year-old man that married a 21 year-old woman. A year later the woman had a baby and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 9lb 8oz baby boy. The old man replied "This old motor is still a' running!"
Next year his wife had another baby and the doctor came out and told the man that he was the father of a 8lb 5oz baby girl.
The old man replied "This old motor is still a' running!"
The next year his wife was back in the hospital yet again, having their third child and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 10lb 9oz baby boy. The old man replied again "This old motor is still a' running!''
And the doctor said "Yeah... but you better get your oil changed because this one is black".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 08:31 AM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello". He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks "Do you know me?" To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids". Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your girlfriend whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly "No, I'm your son's teacher".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 08:32 AM
Many people are unaware how much the ability to spell correctly is overrated.
Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
bananadong
11-16-2021, 08:52 AM
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers ahead of them. The engineer fumed "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him".
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime".
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said "Why can't these guys play at night?"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 08:53 AM
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Big Piney, Wyoming for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball? The barber replied "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 08:54 AM
Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says "You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..." "Let me tell you a story" says the other man "Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you and to your right is a very horny gay man". "So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man. "Well... which one do you turn your back on??"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 08:54 AM
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?" Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied". The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says "You'd better hurry home right now. My wife died a year ago".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 08:55 AM
The Australian poetry competition had come down to two finalists - a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word then allowed to make up a poem using the word: Timbuktu. The university graduate went first. He stepped to the microphone and said "Slowly across the desert sand trekked a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination, Timbuktu". The crowd went crazy. No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited "Me and Tim, a huntin' we went, met three whores, in a pop up tent, they were three, and we was two, so I bucked one and Timbuktu".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 08:57 AM
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps.
He whispers in her ear "Here... iron this... then get me a beer".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 09:06 AM
A rich man decided to throw a party and invited all of his mates and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.He held the part y around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said "I have a 15 foot man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in".
No sooner the words were out of his mouth when there was a loud *splash* and everyone turned around to see Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc with all he had and actually kicking its arse! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo master. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally, Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in awe. After a few moments the host says "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars". "Nah, you all right bloke, I don't want it" said Jimmy. The rich man said "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet!" "How about half a million bucks then?" "No bloke. I don't want it" answered Jimmy. The host said "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again, Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?" Jimmy said "I want the name of the cunt who pushed me in the pool".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 09:13 AM
A senior General is visiting a field hospital during the First World War. He comes into a ward and approaches the first bed, where the soldier struggles to come to attention, lying down.
"At ease" says the general. "Why are you here?" "Piles, sir. Chronic piles. Can't walk sir on account of the piles". "I see" says the general. "What treatment are you being given?" "Wire brush, sir. Wire brush morning and evening". "Jolly good. jolly good. And what do you want most in life?" "I want to get better so I can go out and kill the Hun for King and Country, sir". "First rate. Carry on". And the general goes to the next bed.
"At ease" says the general to the next chap. "Why are you here?" "Crabs sir. Chronic infestation of crabs". "I see" says the general, easing away a little. "What treatment?" "Wire brush sir. Morning and evening, wire brush". "Excellent. First class. And what do you most want in life?" "I want to get well so I can kill hundreds of the bosche, sir". "That's the spirit". The general moves on to the third bed.
"At ease" says the general. "What are you in hospital for?" "Pyorrheoa, sir. Chronic infection of the gums". "Yes, good, good. What treatment?" "Wire brush, sir. Morning and evening, wire brush". "That's the spirit. And what do you desire most in life?" "To get my hands on the wire brush before those two bastards use it".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 09:25 AM
An American is in Saudi Arabia for a business meeting. But at the airport he finds out that the meeting is on the other side of the desert. So, he starts walking...
After a couple of hours, he is very tired and very hot. Luckily, he reaches a camel rental station so he decides to rent one to continue his journey.
Since he had never ridden a camel before, he asks the attendant how to ride it. The attendant responds: "Simple! You get on top of the camel. When you want him to start walking you say 'wow'. When you want him to go faster, you say 'wow, wow'. If you want him to go really fast, you say 'wow, wow, wow'".
So the guy gets on the camel and says "Wow". The camel starts walking. The guy thinks 'Hey! this is cool. I can get a hang of this". So he says "Wow, wow". The camel starts running slowly.
Well, the guy likes that and he thinks 'Let's see what this baby can do!' So he says "Wow, wow, wow". At this point the camel starts dashing across the desert. The guy notices that a deep ravine is approaching - really fast! At this point he realises that he forgot to ask the attendant what the 'stop' command was.
Well, he gets really scared and starts praying. The ravine keeps getting closer and closer. Right when him and the camel are about to dive into the ravine, he finishes his prayer with "Amen". Hearing this word, the camel suddenly stops; right at the edge of the cliff. The guy, white as a ghost, leans forward and looks at the bottom of the really deep ravine and says "Wow!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 09:45 AM
A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees his swing, he says "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently" the pro replied "just like you'd hold your wife's breasts". The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! he hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard". "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's 'thingy'". The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and *THUMP* the ball sails straight down the fairway... about 15 ft. "That was great" the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 10:12 AM
Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.
Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in". "But we're only privates" protests Paddy. "We're Lance Corporals now" says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink". "But we're privates" says Paddy. "You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"
So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.
"You're cute" she says "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea".
Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign".
So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big 'thumbs up'.
Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
Mick says to Paddy "Why did you give me the thumbs up?" "Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates... and we're Lance Corporals now!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 10:15 AM
A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. The startled doctor jumped back in surprise then shook his head and exclaimed "For fucks sake, you really have to learn to trust me".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 10:16 AM
A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled "The wall! Watch the fucking wall!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 10:17 AM
--
Young Susie was having trouble with her computer so she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away Susie called after him "So, what was wrong?" And he replied "It was an 'ID ten T' error". A puzzled expression ran riot over Susie's face. " 'An ID ten T' error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?" He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an 'ID ten T' error before?" Susie replied "No". "Write it down" he said "and I think you'll figure it out"... I D 1 0 T.
bananadong
11-16-2021, 10:17 AM
An Emergency Call Centre worker has this week been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment. It seems a male caller dialled 000 from a cell phone stating "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah". Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...
bananadong
11-16-2021, 10:21 AM
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says "Oh just a beer". The bartender asked the man "What's wrong? Why are you so down today?". The man said "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month". The bartender said "So what's wrong with that"? The man said "Well the month is up tonight".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 10:33 AM
Farmer Brown, from Minnesota, had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.
"Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bull's rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop". The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed. Farmer Brown was thrilled.
Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross. He says to himself "I better call the vet. No, wait a minute. Last time I called the vet, he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself". He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand, Luke. "Luke, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing".
Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened. Finally, he said "You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke. Let's trade positions and you blow and I will watch". Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it around and reinserted it.
"What the hell are you doing, Luke?" says Farmer Brown. "What do you think? I ain't blowing on the same end that you did!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 10:36 AM
One day a man walks into a whore house. He goes to the pimp and says "I want something different". The pimp says "Well, we have one girl that loves to take it up the ass". "No, that's too common. I want something different". "Well, have you ever tried a Hurricane Gussy?" "I'll be damned, that is different. I'll try that".
The man goes up to the room and takes off his clothes. A minute later, a huge Amazon type woman comes in. She starts jumping up and down, blowing as hard as she can.
The man says "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm Hurricane Gussy and that is the wind coming from the Hurricane". "Okay, I'll buy that".
Then she starts beating him over the head with her breasts. "What the hell are you doing?" "Those are the coconuts nuts falling off the tree hittin' you on the head". The man says "Alright".
Then she stands over top of him and starts pissing all over him. "What the hell are you doing?!" "Those are the warm rains coming from the hurricane".
The man gets up and starts to put on his clothes. Gussy says "Where are you going?" "I'm leaving!! Who can fuck in this weather?!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 10:38 AM
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?" The girl, crying, replied "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family". "Okay, Dad... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million".
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again "Sniff, sniff... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT! Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
bananadong
11-16-2021, 10:40 AM
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level. He described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through bush. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'pees' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers".
Inspired by the story, the doctor said "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" "No" he replied "I'm just a crappy golfer".
bananadong
11-16-2021, 10:48 AM
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, Silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is". While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son "Boy, go git yo Momma..."
bananadong
11-16-2021, 10:54 AM
Dad, Mabel and their son Dave lived on a small farm in the Murray River district of New South Wales, Australia. Poor Dave had no one to play with but he sure had a knack for getting into trouble.
One hot summer afternoon Dave was walking past the outhouse, which perched precariously on the bank of the mighty Murray river, when he had a mischievous idea. Dave was a strong lad and so he used all his might to push the outhouse into the river.
He couldn't control his laugher as the outhouse floated out of sight.
A few hours later Dad came up to Dave and asked "Dave, did you push the outhouse into the river?" "NO" said Dave.
So, Dad sat down with Dave and told him the story of George Washington and the cherry tree. Dave was impressed by the fact that George Washington's father didn't punish George because he was honest and admitted to his father that he had cut down the cherry tree.
When Dad asked Dave "Did you push the outhouse into the river?" Dave proudly answered "Yes father, I cannot tell a lie. I pushed the outhouse into the river".
Sure enough, Dad gave Dave a terrible beating with his belt.
Dave sobbed "George Washington didn't get punished when he told his father the truth". Dad replied "Yes but his father wasn't up the cherry tree".
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:26 AM
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said "You must be in the 5th grade".
"No, ma'am" he replied "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help".
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:28 AM
A very naive Irish farmer visits London. His first time outside the country. As soon as he arrives, he visits a pub and starts drinking. He thinks it's like home and is chatting to everyone and buying them drinks. He meets a very good-looking woman and buys her drinks all night. Soon he realises that he hasn't found a place to stay as yet. She tells him he can stay with her. When they arrive at her house, she shows him the bedroom and tells him he can sleep there and of course she joins him. They have a great night of sex. About a month later he's at home working in his field when a large car pulls up and a man carrying a briefcase approaches him. The man says "Paddy, you visited London a few weeks ago and met a woman who is actually my wife and you ended up in my house and in my bed having sex". The man produces large colour photos of them in the bed and smaller black and white images taken from a hidden camera and asks Paddy what he's going to do about it.
Paddy tells him that he had a great night and to show his appreciation he'll buy 5 of the colour photos and 4 of the black and white.
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:28 AM
A 75-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. The next day the 75-year-old reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out still nothing. We even called up Shannon, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing!" The doctor was shocked "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that damned jar open!"
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:29 AM
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So, the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. He turned to the mental patient and said "I don't hear anything". The mental patient said "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:30 AM
A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car. "What's up?" says the driver. "Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back" says the policeman. "Thank goodness for that" says the driver. "I thought I'd gone deaf".
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:31 AM
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says "Seņor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona". The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser". The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors". He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke". The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I".
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:31 AM
A man has some tests done. And he asked the doctor what's wrong. The doctor says you have leg cancer. Then he says "I have some good news and some bad news". The patient says "Alright what the bad news is?" The doctor says "I have to amputate your leg". The patient asks "What is the good news?" "The guy in the bed beside you is offering to buy your slippers".
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:32 AM
This guy and this girl are at the end of their blind date and before he says good night to her, she asks if he wants to come in for a drink. Of course he agrees. So they go in the house and in her room and where says "Close your eyes. I have a surprise for you". She later says "You can open your eyes now". He opens them and, much to his surprise, she has whipped cream all over her pussy. He dives right in and starts eating the whip cream until he finds himself with a mouthful of dick. The girl starts crying and says "I should never lied to you; I'm a man! My name is Bob and I'm a plumber from Massachusetts. And the guy with a shocked look says "I thought you were from Boston!"
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:33 AM
One day little johnny was playing outside and he really had to use the bathroom. At that time his grandma was getting in the shower. As she got undressed, he looked down and said "What's that?" The grandma replied "That's my beaver". Little johnny said "Okay" The next day the same thing happened except this time it was his mum. Little johnny said "Mum, I know what that is, it's a beaver". Mum said "Did grandma tell you that?" Little johnny replied "Yes but I think grandmas is dead. Her beaver's tongue is sticking out.
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:34 AM
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead". There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says "Okay, now what?"
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:34 AM
There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realise that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heart-warming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:34 AM
I went to the doctors yesterday. He said "Drop your strides and bend over". I swear he put his head up my arse. "Can't see anything wrong in there" he said as I was getting dressed. "Thank you, doc. Is that it then? Clean bill of health?" "Almost" he said "Though I'd get that loose tooth sorted ASAP".
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:37 AM
Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him "Peter, come!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the Roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again "Peter, come!"
So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off!
Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The Roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm!
Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsely croaks "Peter, please, come to me!"
By now, the roman guard is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side.
Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks "yes, my Lord. What is it?" Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face "Look Peter, I can see your house from here!"
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:41 AM
Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said "I think I'll get up and get a coke". "No problem" said the Soldier "I'll get it for you". While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said "That looks good, I think I'll have one too". Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes; pissing in cokes?"
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:42 AM
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday".
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever". "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your Honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain BEFORE drugs and the small circle is your brain AFTER drugs". "That's admirable" says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your Honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever". "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram" the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said 'This is your arsehole BEFORE prison... '"
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:50 AM
A guy is walking through downtown and passes a porn shop that his buddy owns. He decides to go in and say hi.
He walks in and his buddy Jim is behind the counter. When Jim sees his old friend, he says "any chance you could look after the shop for a bit, I haven't had lunch yet". "No problem, go grab some food" the guy says.
About 10 minutes go by and a white lady walks into the shop. "How much for that white dildo?" She says. "Uh, the white one... $10". She says okay and he wraps it up, she pays for it, and she leaves.
A little while later a black woman comes in the store. "How much for that black dildo?" she asks. "Uh, the black one... $20". She says okay and he wraps it up, she pays for it, and she leaves.
About 20 min later a woman walks in and asks "how much for that plaid dildo?" "The plaid one? Uh $50". She says okay and he wraps it up, she pays for it, and she leaves.
10 minutes later Jim comes back in and asks how business was while he was out. "Not bad; I sold a white dildo to a white lady for $10, a black dildo to a black lady for $20, and your thermos to a russian lady for $50!"
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:50 AM
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read: 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time".
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again, he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all". Paddy replied "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. My sister won twice last week".
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:52 AM
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "Cheese Sandwiches $1" and then below that, another sign that reads "Handjobs $2". He looks around for the bartender but the only other person he can see is a really attractive woman, about 25-years-old, with huge tits, at the end of the bar. He walks up to her and asks "Excuse me, but are you the one who gives the handjobs?" She replies in a sexy voice "Why yes, I am". To which he immediately responds "Well go wash your hands then, I want a sandwich"
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:53 AM
A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical students. Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said "Do you know what you're a-hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied "I never thought about it before, but he's probably drinking beer at the bar with his friends".
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:53 AM
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'. "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied "I know the guy".
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:53 AM
A 60-year-old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23-year-old beauty? "Simple" grins the millionaire "I faked my age". His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he had said. "Well" he replied. "I said I was 97!"
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:55 AM
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire". "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens". "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of duct tape". "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch me some ducks". "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow". "Wait up kid... I'll get my hat".
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:58 AM
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what colour your underwear is?" She replies "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it". But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue".
"Nope. You got it wrong" she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money".
When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That little motherfucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"
bananadong
11-17-2021, 10:59 AM
A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy". "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mummy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "Me and mummy were making a baby". His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "Well flip mummy over next time, I want a puppy!"
bananadong
11-17-2021, 11:00 AM
So, Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo. During a pause between songs he hears a voice from the audience: "Play a Jazz chord!" This joined by another voice: "Yes. Play a Jazz chord!" Then another and another and it soon seemed like most of the audience were shouting: "Play a Jazz chord!"
"Wow" Stevie thinks "They must really like their jazz in Japan". So Stevie launches into a jazz number and really gets into it. He finishes the number, expecting tumultuous applause. But unbelievably, there was total silence!
Then the chant starts up again: "Play a Jazz chord!" "Play a Jazz chord!" "Play a Jazz chord!" "Hmm" thinks Stevie "maybe they would prefer Jazz funk..?" So he gets into a jazz funk number, but when he finishes, again silence.
Feeling frustrated, Stevie decides to go back to his routine set. Starting on his next number the crowd went wild, cheering and clapping and when he started to sing the whole audience joined in "A jazz chord to say I ruv you!"
bananadong
11-17-2021, 11:02 AM
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro Jim saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee" she said. "Where?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole" she replied. He nodded knowingly and said "Then your feet were too far apart".
bananadong
11-17-2021, 11:02 AM
A police officer pulled over a man and told him because he had been wearing his seat belt, he won $1000 in their giveaway. The officer asked the man what he was going to do with the money and the man replied "Well, I'm guess I'll go to driving school and get my license". The man's wife quickly leaned over and told the officer "Officer don't listen to him. He's a smart ass when he's drunk". This woke up the guy sleeping in the backseat who, upon seeing the cop, blurted out "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car". At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked "Are we over the border yet?"
bananadong
11-17-2021, 11:03 AM
I can tell just by the shoes a woman wears if I'm going to have sex with her or not. If she's wearing 3" heels or higher, I'm definitely going to be screwing her. If she's wearing nice comfy running shoes, I'm probably not going to be able to get close enough to use the taser.
bananadong
11-17-2021, 11:04 AM
A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day. "What for!" he snapped at the judge. His Honour, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented "That's all right. You don't have to pay now". The young man replied "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words".
bananadong
11-17-2021, 11:05 AM
A boy asks the Church Priest "What are you doing, Father?" "It's called masturbating. You'll be doing this soon" replies the priest. "Why Father?" "Because my wrist is killing me".
bananadong
11-17-2021, 11:05 AM
One day Little Susie got her 'monthly' for the very first time. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
bananadong
11-17-2021, 11:08 AM
A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price".
bananadong
11-17-2021, 11:09 AM
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You don't want to try these techniques at home". "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years" the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes" replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in eleven".
bananadong
11-17-2021, 11:12 AM
A man finds his dog with a dead rabbit in its mouth. He realises that the rabbit is a pet of his next-door neighbour. In a panic he cleans the rabbit up and sneaks it into its cage, hoping his neighbour will think their pet died of natural causes. Next day he spots his neighbour digging a hole in the flower beds and goes over to investigate. "What are you doing?" asks the man.
"Burying my rabbit again" replies the neighbour. "There sure are some sick people around here. The rabbit dropped dead on Monday, I buried it on Tuesday, and on Wednesday some bastard dug it up, gave it a wash and stuck it back in its cage".
bananadong
11-17-2021, 11:17 AM
The blonde and the brunette are in New York preparing to leave for a two-week cruise. The Blonde's boyfriend has just given her a new Rolls. Nevertheless, she is fuming because Honeybear didn't give her any extra money to store the vehicle during the trip. The brunette smiles and says she will handle it. So, the brunette leaves the hotel with the blonde in tow. Together they walk across the street into a bank. The brunette asks for the loan officer. She says she and her friend are going to Europe on business for two weeks and they need to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the brunette tells the blonde to hand over the keys to her new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the stupid blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the brunette and the blonde return, repay the $5,000 plus the interest, which comes to $15.41. There is something bothering the loan officer. He says to the beautiful blonde "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that this car was purchased by a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies "You have to ask my friend. I have no idea what is going on". The brunette replies... "Where else in New York City can we park this car for two weeks for only $15.41 and fully expect it to safely be here when we return? You have provided an excellent service for which we are grateful".
bananadong
11-17-2021, 11:18 AM
One day a father gets off of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers " Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson answers:
"Sir, 'Divorced Barbie' is a complete set. She comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Dog, Ken's Children, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... as a special feature, Ken's Best Friend".
bananadong
11-18-2021, 03:40 PM
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim".
"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..."
"I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be okay," the Priest replied, lifted his robe, and almost immediately he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert this in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true Father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the fuck out of here!"
bananadong
11-18-2021, 03:40 PM
A farmer and his wife were headed to market one day. They get a few miles down the road and the mule pulling the wagon just stops and refuses to move.
The farmer gets off of the wagon and walks around to the front of the wagon, grabs the mule by the ears and looks him in the eyes and says "That's one".
The farmer climbs back on the wagon and they get a few more miles down the road when the mule just stops again. So, the farmer gets off the wagon and grabs the mule by the ears again and looks him in the eyes and says "That's two".
The farmer gets back on the wagon and they get a few more miles down the road when the mule stops again. The farmer just gets off the wagon with his shotgun and shoots the mule dead right there in the road.
The farmer's wife starts yelling at him "Why did you do that? We are miles from town and miles from home what the hell is wrong with you are you stupid?!!"
The farmer walks up to his wife and grabs her by the ears and says "That's one".
bananadong
11-18-2021, 03:41 PM
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the Forrest when she sees the wolf crouched behind a tree. "I can see you, Big Bad Wolf" she shouts, and the wolf runs away. Five minutes later and there's the wolf couched behind the tree again. "I can see you, Big Bad Wolf" she shouts and the wolf again runs off. Another 5 minutes and there he is again. "I can see you, Big Bad Wolf!!" And the wolf shouts "I wish you'd fuck off! I'm trying to have a shit!"
bananadong
11-18-2021, 03:41 PM
This ageing man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anaesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... I've left instructions for your mother to come and live with you and your wife..."
bananadong
11-18-2021, 03:42 PM
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a freak skydiving accident." The blonde upset by this, starts sobbing "That's horrible! So many men being killed that way!" Confused the Husband explains "Yes dear it is sad, but there is a risk involved in sky diving" After a few minutes the blonde wife, still sobbing says "How many is a Brazilion?"
bananadong
11-18-2021, 03:43 PM
One day the first-grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said "I think he said 'Holy SHIT! A talking pig!'"
bananadong
11-18-2021, 03:43 PM
The owner of a chemist walks in to find a guy pushing his back against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" Clerk "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative". Owner "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" Clerk "Oh yeah? Look at him... he's too fucking scared to cough!"
bananadong
11-18-2021, 03:44 PM
A gay couple is traveling on a plane. Let's call them Simon and Brad.
"What if we had sex?" asks Simon. "Are you crazy? Here... on the plane? It would be awkward... everyone would watch us doing it!" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Simon stands up and asks loudly "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody bats an eyelid. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Brad. So Simon and Brad have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the arse..."
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:10 AM
I was at this wedding, and I said to the bloke next to me "Fucking hell, that bride is ugly". "Do you mind? That's my daughter!" came the reply. I said "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were her father".
"I'm not, I'm her mother".
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:11 AM
A grade school teacher meets her new class at the start of the year and starts asking them their names. She goes to the first child "What is your name?" The girl replied "Lilly". The teacher says "That's a lovely name, how did you get your name?" The girl replied "Because when I was born a lilly landed on me". She goes to the second child "What is your name?" The girl replied "Daisy". The teacher says "That's a lovely name, how did you get your name?" The girl replied "Because when I was born a daisy landed on me". She goes to the third child "What is your name?" "FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDGGE"
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:11 AM
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon". Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago". The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. "Now, what was it she wanted?" The clerk answered "Snow".
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:12 AM
A man farts in bed next to his wife. His wife asks "What in the world was that?" He replies "Try! I'm winning, seven nothing". She decides to get even, so she lets one loose. He yells at her "What was that?" She replies "Try! Tied score". He wants to get her back, but he tries so hard he shits the bed. The wife asks "Now what in the world was that?" He replies "Halftime, switch sides".
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:12 AM
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You obviously weren't listening".
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:13 AM
In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied "How very sporting of your mother!"
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:14 AM
Two men are waiting for a train. The younger man asks the older man for the time, but the older man ignores him. After a while, the younger man again asks for the time and again the older man ignores him. Frustrated, the younger man finally asks "Why won't you answer me when I ask you for the time. The older man sighs and explains "Look, if I tell you the time, we'll start to talk. Then when the train comes, you might sit down next to me. Perhaps we'll get to know each other, and maybe I'll eventually invite you to my house for Shabbat dinner. Maybe then you and my daughter would really get along; why, you might even get engaged! And why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:14 AM
"We should always help abled people" says Miss Mandy to the class. "Would anyone like to share a story where you helped one?" she asks. Kevin stands up and says "I, with my 4 friends, made a blind woman cross a road!" Miss Mandy says "Wow! That's amazing! But, may I ask, why did it take 5 of you for this simple task?" "Umm... I think she didn't want to cross it..."
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:15 AM
A vicious burglar breaks into a house late at night, orders the couple out of bed and ties them up. Now the husband is a big sissy, afraid of his own shadow, so he whispers to his wife "Darling, do whatever he says. If he wants sex with you, then let him have it, otherwise he might hurt us". "Whatever you say" replies his wife. "By the way, he told me he thought you had a nice, tight little butt".
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:15 AM
A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says "Go tell your Daddy what you just said!" The boy finds his father and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!" His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says "Now, what do you have to say for yourself?" The boy replies "I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black cunts!"
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:17 AM
Dr. Drobkin was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference held in his hometown. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.
As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"
Dr. Drobkin replied "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away".
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return".
The clerk consoled him "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too".
Dr. Drobkin replied "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment".
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years".
The clerk asked "Was it before or after the Drobkin Fart?"
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:18 AM
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs. One night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond in the 4th row stands on her chair and launches into a tirade...
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person - Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general, and you disguise your contempt behind a cover phrase called 'humour!' Well, I know better. I don't appreciate what you say one bit! And it isn't funny!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist stammers as he begins to apologize. The blond easily interrupts him and yells "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little shit man on your knee and if he doesn't shut up I'm gonna come up there and smash his face in!"
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:20 AM
While walking down the street one day, a high-ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven" says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you". "No problem, just let me in" says the politician.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity". "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven" says the politician. "I'm sorry but we have our rules".
And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realises it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven".
So, 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity".
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell".
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand" stammers the politician. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable".
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us".
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:22 AM
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this - especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.
But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the centre had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake".
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the centre of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper & newspaper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified. She couldn't imagine what had gone wrong. Alice was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? "Oh, my" she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP 'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South. Then, to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say "Thank you, I baked it myself".
Alice smiled and thought to herself "GOD is good".
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:23 AM
HAIR: THE FEMALE VERSION
WOMAN #1: Oh, you got a haircut! That's so cute!
WOMAN #2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy-looking?
WOMAN #1: Oh Goodness, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with it how it is, I think.
WOMAN #2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts-that would really suit you. I was going to do that except that I was afraid it would accentuate my long neck.
WOMAN #1: What's wrong with your neck? I would love to have a neck like yours; anything to take attention away from my awful shoulder line.
WOMAN #2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything hangs so well on you. You're like a walking fashion catalogue. But look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders, I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
HAIR: THE MALE VERSION
MAN #1: Haircut?
MAN #2: Yeah.
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:25 AM
One day in the city a bus driver was making his usual stops. At the first stop a woman came to the front of the bus to get off. She turned to the bus driver and said "I think I was just molested back there".
The bus driver looked at her and said "Not on my bus. You couldn't have been". So, he lets her off and drives on.
He comes to the next stop and another woman comes to the front to get off. She, too, looks at the bus driver and says "I think I was just molested back there".
Now the bus driver thinks that something has to be wrong, to get two complaints like this in one day is just unheard of. He gets up out of his seat and goes to the back of the bus. To his surprise there is a bald guy crawling on the floor on his hands and knees.
The bus driver says "Sir, what are you doing?"
The man looks at him and says "I lost my toupee. I thought I found it twice, but I lost it again".
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:26 AM
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not rung in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with a main computer, he phoned the employee's home number and was greeted with a child's whisper "Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes" whispered the small voice.
"May I speak to him?" The child whispered "No".
Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked "Is your mummy there?" "Yes".
"Well may I speak to her, then?" Again, the small voice whispered "No".
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked "Is anybody else there?" "Yes" whispered the child "a policeman".
Wondering what the police would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak to the policeman?" "No, he's busy" whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" "Talking to mummy and daddy and the fireman" came the whispered reply.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background coming down the phone, the boss asked "What's that noise?" "A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What's going on there?" demanded the boss, now really apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered "The search team has just landed a helicopter".
Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle "ME!"
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:28 AM
Superman was talking to Batman at the superhero's convention. "On my way here" he says "I was flying past Wonder Woman's flat when I looked through the window and saw her lying stark naked on her bed with her legs apart. So I fly in through the window and give her one". "Really" replies Batman "was she surprised?" "Yeah" says Superman "but not as much as the invisible man was!"
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:28 AM
Two elderly ladies have been friends for many decades. Over the years, they partook in many activities and adventures together. Lately, their activities have been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day when they were playing cards, one looked at the other and said "Now don't get mad at me - I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is?" Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said "How soon do you need to know?"
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:28 AM
My neighbour with the big boobs has been walking up and down the garden topless all day. Just wish his wife would do the same
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:29 AM
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately". The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies: "I did... today I'm taking them to the beach!"
bananadong
11-19-2021, 05:29 AM
A husband and wife were vacationing in when they decided to go out on a charter fishing boat. A large wave washed her overboard where she disappeared immediately. The Coast Guard were called out for the search and the husband went back to his hotel to await the outcome. Six hours later a CG officer calls on the man at the hotel. "Sir, we dragged the bottom and managed to snag your wife's body, when we pulled her up there were 12 huge king crabs attached to her feeding on her body. But we do have some good news". "Good news!? What kind of good news could there be!?" "Well sir... we're pulling her up again tomorrow".
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