mandatory forum collage to trick you into thinking this is a good thread and giving me replies
rubycalaber as Ned Stark the only truly fit leader for the community since he doesn't actually want to be in charge or even be there at all, Desolation as Catelyn Stark his faithful lover, Lonnie as Robb Stark his loyal supporter, my new dog Dead Forum Dalmation II as Ghost the family pet, iwascruel as Brienne of Tarth the obvious bulldyke, gabi as Arya Stark the youngest girl of House Calaber, Dirty Harry as Hodor the brain damaged retard, Marco as Bran Stark the autist who is somehow lurking anonymously everywhere at once, Bob Hughes as Jojen Reed the dude who's always tripping balls, Aber as Meera Reed the young woman who had to illegally cross a border wall, roflbrothel as Osha the edgy but definately very classy bird, m0nde as George R.R. Martin the fattest and oldest fucker here, Wendy as Jaqen H'ghar the shitposter of many faces, Link as Bravos the brown casanova who charms all the white girls, General Doli as The Hound the veteran who's mastered the art of owning but is now tired of that life, fanare as Sansa Stark cute redhead teen girl who's actually one of the best power players, Teknorat as Ramsay Snow the edgy boi who loves trolling and abusing members of the various communities, Obnoxious Bitch as Theon Greyjoy for obvious reasons, Big Gay Dolphin as Roose Bolton the dude who'll stalk your whole family, skrizach as Locke the rugged outdoorsman, Ewok as Stannis Baratheon the man who destroys his mental health for his waifu, roxtoyz as Davos Seaworth his second-in-command, Terror Baby as Shireen Baratheon the girl who gets honor killed by her parents for Allah, Barrypothead as Renly Baratheon the closeted gay man, Bev as Melisandre the hundred year old woman, Jon as Jon Snow idk his name is Jon, Cag as Ygritte the white trash town bike and his love interest who will no doubt betray him by a bad reason, Camoron as Tormund her other beta orbiter, Cody as Mance Rayder king of the white trash hoards who rallys them to invade other communities, Steven Yelle as Samwell Tarly the overweight man on a quest to lost his virginity, Flaglerchat as Littlefinger the sociopath who smuggly finds out everyones personal information and what really determines the fate of the communities is the behind the scenes machinations of his rivalry with, Jack Venhooker as Varys the only man with the espionage abilities to be his arch enemy who's implied to be a pedophile, Lisa Repborn of House Bushpig, the First in the Inflatable Bathtub, Queen of the Orbiters and the Beta Men, Protector of the Seven Lizard Forums, the Mother of Cats, the Khaleesi of the Great Weed Lmao, the Unfunny, the Breaker of Herpenteriums as Daenerys Targaryen the mentally troubled woman who keeps forcing every community she joins to revolve around her, rootbeer as Khal Drogo her rapey lover obssessed with his masculinity, Donny as Barristan Selmy her first beta orbiter to die, Peter O'Quinn as Daario Naharis her bad boy criminal lover, garfield as Jorah Mormont her terminally ill beta orbiter, cberry as Grey Worm the token black guy military man, ramen as Missandei the multi-lingal shill for a proto-facist politician #DumpDrumpf, Dustin as Bronn the dude who doesn't fight fair I know you used an aimbot when we dueled in CS:GO motherfucker, marks as The Mountain the most feared noob slayer in the land, StompleB as Oberyn Martell his sworn nemisis, Lily as Ellaria Sand the scheming woman who keeps trying to overthrow different communities, internutt as Tyene Sand the obnoxious half-asian thot, Elezzzark as Tyrion Lannister the disabled manlet who gets abused by, Gush as Cersei Lannister the evil seductress who will betray you by a bad reason, Reno as Jaime Lannister the handsom fuckboy in a forbidden love triangle with her, Clay as Robert Baratheon the obese lazy administrator of the realm also in the love triangle, Shakes as Gendry Baratheon his bastard son, Drunk Puppies as Tywin Lannister the tactical mastermind who has owning down to a fine art, Plug Drugs as Joffrey Baratheon the Incel King, Juliet as Margaery Tyrell the smirking female pedophile, the Troll-1000 as The Night King leading a hoard of inhuman monsters to invade every other community until they are infested only by them, Rage Rex as Drogon the short tempered giant red reptile, Eagle Bird as Robb's direwolf as literally a fursuit, Dandada as a nigger lynched from the Timnet tree, cameos from White Bear, Reply Sloth, Unfunny Bunny and Heidi the Chicken, some gay nigger dicks as The Iron Throne since that's what I like to sit on, Rubynet as Winterfell the last true heir of the YTMND and YTMNSFW throne, The Herpatarium as The Wall the only thing keeping the hoards of white trash retards from swarming our community, all the lizard forums as the dirty brown savage Meereenese people, FJS as the hive of scum and villany that is King's Landing, ALOL as Stannis' fleet which is a very deep ruby lore reference to a gif from LOST season 4 where the ALOL freighter is destroyed by a troll bomb and TPIL is there too since I just remembered that place existed at the last second
alright since this show's final season is coming out soon (editors note: read: four months ago) my e-gf desolation got me to watch all this so we could be up to date for the inevitable cultural shitposting shitshow so I thought I'd write a thread about it hopefully I can just keep it to brief summaries and brief thoughts and not be analysing every sentence or the autism will kill me (editors note: of course this didn't happen) but you know me I'm thinking this thread will be an interesting counter-piece to my neon demon review thread where I was dissecting a deep work of art critiquing gender roles that braindead normies think is edgy shock schlock torture porn and now I'm hopefully glazing over what seems like actual edgy shock schlock torture porn re-enforcing gender roles that braindead normies think is a deep work of art when in reality they just want to get turned on watching some rape scenes lmao now I already know more than I'd like to about this saga since I think I watched the first episode when it first came out and book reading dorks were going mental about it all I remember is it ends in a guy stealing my gimmick and fucking his sister and then shoving a wee boy out a window who catches them and I downloaded the season 5 and 6 finales to watch just to shitpost about them on /tv/ where this show is l i t e r a l l y the only actual tv show or movie they discuss at this stage and I also downloaded an episode in season 3 that I looked up on a wikia that was about Simon from Misfits sadistically torturing some guy literally because I find torture a sexually erotic topic and wanted to watch it for basically DLC for my sexual fantasies where I'd imagine Simon was a girl and I was the victim since unfortunately I am not gay and cant just jack off directly to it you might be thinking but ruby isn't it a bit hypocritical to say that and then make a huge thread talking shit about people watching the same edgy drivel for sexual thrills? well you see 1) normal people should probably aspire TO BE NOTHING LIKE ME and 2) AT LEAST I ADMIT IT, AT LEAST I ADMIT IIIIIIT!!!!!! (slipknot reference) speaking of normal people GoT is like fucking crack to normies, especially, dare I say it, REDDITORS and similar assorted cringy hipster faggots
which I think is a symptom of nerd culture becoming more mainstream (although not really nerd culture, the term nerd has always had positive aspects to me in the practical sense at least, e.g. you may be ostracised from your peers but because you are a lot more intelligent than them and were more interested in unexciting cerebral activities like studying more for school or self-teaching programming or something dull but useful rather than vapid entertainments like sports or, ironically, tv shows and movies, the current culture is more like manchild (or womanchild) culture, literally just enjoying things for little kids as adults, which is probably why so many "nerds" get triggered by normies enjoying "nerdy" media and genres, because it let's slip that there's nothing really intellectual about these at all, they are literally just for immature people, and now the average person is as emotionally stunted, socially isolated and as insecure as the introverted outcasts of the past, because in [the current year] that is what everyone is not just a tiny minority of weirdo geeks from how fucked in the head clapistans rekt economy and probably high divorce rate and easy access to social media has made an entire generation) but specifically I think it has the same appeal of The Walking Dead, which normies also hoover down like their daily burgers (even though it's extraordinarily glacially paced, obnoxiously written, terribly acted and near-parody level bad production values) fuck you stomple
in that these are stories that remove modern civilisation by being set after or before them (possibly also why LOST seemed to appeal greatly to normies during the first half of the show where it was primarily a survival drama and not so much the second half which was more a fantasy thriller featuring sections back in civilisation) to provide a "back to basics" escapist fantasy where the normie can entertain the notion that life would be simpler and more fulfilling without the trappings of modern society (probably literally because of what anti-industrial revolution anarcho-primitivist actual MKULTRA victim mad bomber Ted Kaczynski said in his manifesto that the rewards of life are too far removed from their production for human beings to feel satisfied that they had input into it (and the only sane solution is to BLOW IT ALL UP (batman beyond reference (not serious life advice I am not liable for any violent insurrections that result from reading this thread)))) (or was that Karl Marx? I don't know he didn't blow anyone up so fuck him pussy ass fat faggot) and I think these post/pre civilization stories might have extra appeal to a certain type of normie who is dissatisfied with modern changing gender roles but is afraid to admit this which is why it seems to appeal to tumblr feminists and numale types who'd cry if they saw a gun irl yet adore this edgy TV show where a woman gets raped every few episodes and people are constantly hacking each other up with axes since these stories usually feature men being allowed to be hyper violent (because its ok to kill zombies or that's just what you gotta do in that kind of world) and women are often in submissive roles to said violent men (until the cognitive dissonance gets too bad and the show gets co-opted by its uneasy fanbase and starts pushing even more obviously out of place girl power scenes which seems to be a common pattern with this type of thing that start out edgy and then end up woke) which a lot of men and women find gratifying usually because they're children of single mothers so the men don't know what a real man acts like other than from action movies and the women don't know what a real man acts like other than fears about rape in the culture they sexualize these "back to basics" ideas don't appeal that much to me due to not being A FUCKING IDIOT WHO WANTS TO SEE HALF MY FAMILY DIE BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ANTIBIOTICS AND BREAK MY FUCKING BACK TOILING AWAY IN A FIELD ALL DAY BECAUSE IF I DON'T MY ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY WILL STARVE TO DEATH AND THEN THEY ALL DO ANYWAY BECAUSE THEY GOT MEASLES AND WE DON'T HAVE VACCINES (apologise for triggering american's with that last word) and if I ever caught myself longing for that sort of thing of oh things used to be so much better before modern society oh if only my life was simpler I might stop and think, well, first of all I can just go live in fucking Haiti or India or some shithole and see how fun it is having no civilization, but secondly maybe the problem with my life isn't ALL OF CIVILIZATION but just ME and then take efforts to change my life so I was more satisfied (which is a notion often criticised as taking the onus off the system for problems in a citizens life and placing it on that individual, obviously also try to improve society, but most likely you have no real fucking problems and you have the easiest life of any human to ever live if you live in the first world in [the current year] and should try smashing yourself in the teeth with a hammer to enjoy what the typical life experience was for most of human existence to find some gratitude or just you know improve your relationships and lifestyle and you'll probably be more satisfied with modern life either or up to you) but since both normies and mind control experiment victim domestic terrorists can't manage this and instead get mad at modern life you get things like this show now I try not to be one of these insecure retards who hates on something just because the fanbase is shit I mean I love the Fast and Furious movies and that fan base seems to be made up entirely of let's just say the kind of people who are worried about their future residency now Trump is president so I am genuinely going to give this a chance maybe I'll end up loving it but from what I've been exposed to so far it honestly seems like just another high fantasy franchise that are all derivative from Lord of the Rings (George R. R. Martin even stole Tolkien's initials) which in and of itself was Tolkien being derivative of his real world interest in history which is why those books are really fucking boring in the first place since I'm not really that interested in medieval history in the first place (when the movies for LOTR was coming out my one friend in real life loved them and I tried to read the books for him but couldn't get past the bit where they get to the entrance to the mines and a squid monster attacks them outside since it was all a bunch of autistic bullshit about referencing how the father of someones father of someones brother of someones grandfather of someones aunt of someones dog walker once smote a dragon ontop a mountain so that's why they call their left testicle Tism The Dragon Tickler and if I wanted to read a fictional genealogy lesson written as obtusely as possible I'd read the bible (although in the last year or so I've gotten into Dungeons & Dragons and by that I mean watching other people playing it online so I don't have to put in any effort, socialise or learn the rules so maybe I can enjoy this by just pretending it's a DnD game) its just that normies don't read fucking books at all EVER so when they make a big budget tv show about it this is the first time they're being exposed to those ideas which would be fine if it was actually good and not what seems to be a fat old sexually repressed AMERICAN mans fetishes, now I notice A LOT in American """"""""""""literature"""""""""""" that writing books seems to be a vector for the author to safely release their sexual fantasies, e.g. every crime mystery has to have explicit descriptions of women being abused and their naked dead bodies under the guise of being "gritty detective thrillers", Stephen King books have uh interesting sequences of basically child erotica, Twilight is one big probably unconscious metaphor for how a repressed mormon woman felt teenage sexuality scary and threatening and how it's a bad inherently violent thing men have to hold back on giving into for his girlfriends sake until she's ready to give up her life for him and 50 Shades of Grey is taking that horrible sexual dysfunction and literally writing a S&M fanfiction about it and publishing it under its own title and with new character names to avoid copyright infringement and amerishits fucking love it but dear fuck does this seem to take the cake in this field and that's probably also a main reason it's so popular with normies they can literally watch rape erotica but it's socially acceptable because it's just on that popular geeky fantasy show so maybe that's why I'll also end up loving it but also not respecting it as art which I am pretty sure is an even worse form of pretension than just hating something entirely because its popular with idiots its like hating it because its popular with you and you've got the most horrible taste possible well let's watch and see what happens hopefully I get this done before the obese fuck who wrote these stupid books fucking dies from fat and people are more mad about how the book series will never end rather than how the tv show ended
think I'll use the format I did for reviewing seasons 1, 2 and 3 of LOST all the way back in 07, heh, stayed up for 3 days straight to get that done for christmas, damn I was a good poster back then, 12 years on and I'm reviewing this dumb shit, are there even smoke monsters in this? (editors note: there actually fucking is lmao)
Game of Thrones 1x01: "Winter Is Coming"
wincest special edition
First aired: April 17, 2011
alright so the first scene is a bunch of guys are in the woods and one of them finds a bunch of dead bodies cut up and laid out in some symbol, very nice and edgy, you know what I'm going to keep a counter going of edgy shit on-screen: EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 1
reminds me of the bit in the girl with the dragon tattoo where the killer kills the detectives cat and lays its severed limbs out like a swastika
then his comrade is an asshole for no reason to him I guess that's because this is a saga written by an american whos playing on old british cultural tropes that poor people ungentlemanly oh also everyone has a british accent for some reason again because its fucking americans who think everyone in every place and time before modern day america spoke with a british accent then they go looking for the edgy tableau that's from some Dexter shit but it's gone as if whoever made it can just teleport things around or something I'm sure that'll be an element the creators Daniel Brett Weiss and David Benioff, who I've seen referred to by fans as literally DnD which is a real goodone, forget, and some of these snow zombies pop up called white walkers (referred to as The Others in the books but they changed that in the show to not infringe on a certain far better tv show I bet) and kills a dude, I did this autistic shit for a certain other thread where I counted up everyone's kill counts but I'm sure someone else has already done that to death with this show and I can't be fucked learning every obscure characters name or deciding who gets kill credits when I'm sure there's big messy battle scenes where no-namers kill people and shit so whatever I'll just stick to edgy counts and stabbing some dude from out of nowhere is not that edgy
now not to start complaining right off the bat but I think White Walkers™ are a really bad fucking inclusion to this mythos since the whole meme here they're going for is that there are no good guys or bad guys just like in le real history its just a bunch of different factions with changing goals and alliances and such but when you put in AN ARMY OF OMNICIDAL ZOMBIES that kind of gives a clear cut bad guy in the story for all the other morally grey characters to be forced to team-up against which has never happened ever in human history and wont until everyone decides to team-up against the robot uprising I guess YANG GANG but really I've heard GRRM boast about how oh his story isnt just goodies v mindless orc monsters its flawed humans v flawed humans oh is that so no orc-like rampaging hoards here no sir-ee also introducing zombies, not even keeping it ambiguous that that's what they are since you see the little dead girl reanimated, right away is also a bit naff since it already lets you know you're in a world where cheating death by supernatural means is possible which also dampens the le grim n gritty so realistic and grounded approach to these fantasy tropes anyway then these two remaining guys get chased by the zombies and one looks away for a split second and looks back when suddenly A WHITE WALKER APPEARS BEHIND HIS MATE FROM OUT OF NOWHERE AND BEHEADS HIM, HEH, NOTHIN PERSONEL KID and he tosses him his head for EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 2
and then we get the opening title animation that looks like a boardgame or something very deep kinography you know what this reminds me of it reminds me of when my 1m8 irl was into LOTR I bought some like warhammer style tabletop battle game with the LOTR IP but it was just too fucking boring and convoluted to learn how to play it so I never bothered but it was all about painting figurines and placing them around some elaborately constructed miniature map like this looks like and then we get some on the nose character introductions where we see this really ugly girl that reminds me of how British people frequently have their eyes too far apart as if we're evolving to be a hearding prey species
is sitting there sewing when she can hear the male characters outside teaching a shota to use a bow as if she's a tomboy (typed that as tomgirl at first hi chris-chan) but constrained by gender roles and then we see Sean Bean, hmmmmm I wonder if he'll survive the season hmmmmmm, even I've killed him off myself in Hitman, and oh my I'm just typing this as I watch the episode and Anya or whatever just skipped straight to it and aimbotted the bullseye Bran or whatever the kids name is was failing to hit ok fuck subtly or build-up she's just got aimbot turned on in the first 11 minutes ok and then a fat dude literally with his neckbeard in pigtails reports they caught that one pussy guy from the opening and they're going to execute him for desertion and his justification for making a like 9 year old watch this is "winter is coming" - HE SAID THE MEME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am pretty sure this is a thing where they have like 7 year long winters or something at random which I'm not sure how a middle ages human civilization could function with that factor due to everyone fucking dying but ok
and then we get our first contrived as fuck scene for the sake of edge as we see this scaredy cat being marched out to a beheading rock, that admittedly looks super cool in these lovely Irish hills that are hidden in mist so far this is the best part of the show, the cinematography, and he tries to explain himself to Sean Bean that he didn't return to Trump's wall because he saw White Walkers but he's not having any of it and says some ritual prayer and beheads him as his son or whatever orders his 9 year old or whatever son or whatever not to look away for EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 3 just to really hammer home these seem to be the good guys but THIS AINT YOUR DADDYS LORD OF THE RINGS! THIS IS EDGY AND REALISTIC!
now I get that in real life people really did get executed for desertion but the whole thing doesn't make sense, 1) why the fuck did the White Walkers let him live? are they smart enough to want him to report they're active again but too dumb to not realize no one would believe him without proof? 2) why did this guy NOT return to The Wall? was he too scared they'd send him back out there? does he not give a fuck about warning his comrades about them and just peaced out? if so then 3) why the FUCK did he come all the way back to Winterfell if he knew they wouldn't believe him and just behead him? 4) actually wasn't he literally on the other side of The Wall so he'd have to go back through it? didn't anyone ask him what happened to the other two guys? why not report right then and there where more people would be likely to believe him and try to verify it? 5) couldn't he just change his clothes and run off somewhere else if he was just a coward? it's not like they can check his passport or some shit 6) wouldn't it take him WEEKS to get back to Winterfell? how did he manage that with no provisions? just what le fuck already, so far my impressions are the writing is super on the nose but the production values are super dank, like the special effects for the gore are really good and the landscapes are lovely and the costumes and set design are all very believable and not the usual plastic metalwork and polystyrene walls dogshit you see in most period piece tv shows
then we see a dead rotting dear that got killed by something called a direwolf that took it with him and its pups are still trying to suckle from its corpse that has a deers antler embedded in its head, these are just animals killing each other so I'll give it a pass on the edgy counter but Ned (oi m8 bolt ya nugget ah pumped yer maw last night) recommends they just kill the pups and the edgy son immediately goes to do it which woulda been an edgy count but the nice son says there's 6 of them for each of the 6 Stark children and Ned gets super edgy and says some shit like "you'll feed them yourselves, you'll raise them yourselves and if they die you'll bury them yourselves" as he storms off jesus christ mate you're just letting your kids have some pets actually on second through letting a 9 year old raise a giant wolf monster might not be a good idea no wonder this dude dies in everything he's ever appeared in and then Jon, yes that's his exotic fantasy name, reveals he's not a Stark that I think I already knew from autists I know online telling me all about their fan theories about how he's a baby from the future or some shit and there's a nice shot of them leaving under a bridge I love the scenery around Winterfell it's very celtic and reminds me of running around woods that had like legit 1500 year old castle walls in them to climb around, to quote the Italian prosecuter who convicted Amanda Knox "what were Americans doing 1500 years ago? painting buffalo in caves?"
then we see King's Landing, the capital of the seven kingdoms, not sure that's how it works since each kingdom would have it's own capital but whatever, and this place has more of a sort of French seaside town aesthetic with it's big elaborate cathedral-like buildings and there's some neat world building where a dude is dead and 7 priests or whatever with a 7 pointed star symbol waft incest, wait no were' not there yet, incense, around his dead body that has had 7 of his organs put in jars and stones put over hsi eyes like the ancient egyptians did but I vaguely recall from /tv/ autism that 7 is the number of deities they have in this world or something which makes me wish I knew more about history since I am pretty sure what made medieval european life the way it was was because of the effect christianity had on history and politics, the lifestyles of average people and leaders living by what they were told the bible says by the clergy and the sort of black and white thinking and strictly hierarchical social structures that influenced every part of those sorts of societies that mostly comes from the extreme autism that is monotheistic religion but in this world they treat religion as just a lifestyle choice some people ascribe to different aspects of rather than the driving force between every political and personal decision everyone made for a period of about a thousand years straight like irl and then we get who I am assuming is the best character in the show, the dude who fucks a certain someone that makes him based & redpilled, start chatting about if this dead guy spilled their secrets and start discussing a bunch of characters and titles they covet I aint finna bouta pay attention to I assume we'll be getting a lot of this people talking vaguely about their schemes involving other characters who's names I cant remember and this is the first we meet of Cersei who all the fans seem to hate but she seems pretty based from what I've seen and she's played by Lena Headey who did alright as Sarah Connor in T:SCC fucking rip that show that's what the finale needs to be it turns out she is a time displaced Sarah and then Cameron (trollinator) steps out of a time travel bubble and mows all these edgy pricks down with an m60
then some redheaded woman in Winterfell, that I have to say is a pretty well put together looking medieval village really good job with all the prop department people or whatever, getting ye olde tweet attached to a crows foot and she goes to see Ned who's found the most kino spot possible to clean his broadsword by a reflecting pond as he reflects and under a deathly pale tree that's bright red leaves almost seem like a cloud of blood hovering over him as sunlight pours down around him as if even in this idyllic environment he's still in the shade having his life darkened by the death and bloodshed hanging over his head, real good cinemetography here holy shit, cant wait for the quality to nosedive like in every other show that's first episode they go whole hog on and then run out of budget and time and resort back to filming conversions in dimly lit tiny rooms
and I guess this redhead is his wife who seems to have some sort of... Irish accent? ok I looked it up and the actress is from Northern Ireland, but she talks about coming up north, maybe this is a reference to how Middle Earth or whatever this place is called is basically just the UK lmao and they do some world building about there being old gods and she follows the new 7 gods with all the rules or something and she cuts to the chase and tells him the tweet she just got about whoever the other Jon who died was and Ned whines about some king riding up to see them oh my fucking god I dont want to have to learn all this elaborate family tree and royal family bloodline shit I feel like I'm reading the bible or something
then we see a banquet being prepared and they have dialog that was like some shit earlier between the brother and sister talking about "he fucks boars and hunts whores, or was it the other way around?" where they make cultural references to the only 3 things in their culture: sex, food and animals, since this was before these poor people had wonders such as celebrities having rape scandals and a million superhero movies to make jokes about, where they talk about some guy who reads all night... or drinks all night! ebin
then we cut to the princes or whoever getting shaved and they have some lads talk about how that other prince gets to fuck all the nice southern girls... yeah if only they knew... then we see Bran flakes inventing parkour as he sees some dodgy CGI of a caravan of I think the Lannisters arriving and his mum catches him and makes him promise to stop climbing but she catches him lying I vaguely remember what happens at the end here from watching this episode when it first aired on tv here and being bored and not watching any more lmao so I guess the closest thing to a moral of this episode might be don't lie to your mum because she's probably right about you doing dumb shit being dumb then we see Joffrey arriving who I know from memes about how edgy he is and he and Sansa smile at each other who's a qt redhead and by qt I mean like a 10/10 by brit standards but 5/10 by any other countries standards and she's played by the dumb thot who is going to somehow ruin the Dark Phenoix saga even worse than X-Men 3 did
then this big fat fuck gets off his horse and ushers a bowing Ned to stand, I guess that means the Starks are subservient to the Lannisters or something, and the cheeky cunt calls Ned fat, how the fuck did people even get fat back then they didn't have sugar in everything yet, actually I don't think they had sugar at all, and the kids comment on ah yes that's his name Jamie Lannister taking off his helmet who's the queens TWIN brother oh hmmmm even better, and Cersei mentions that they've been travelling A FUCKING MONTH to get there which I'm sure is a rule of thumb that'll get violated in the future like how in Lost it took them like a week to cross just the thin part of the island and are then going back and fourth in only a few hours, and then Ned talks to his fat friend who offers him the Hand of the King and we get our first mention of The Iron Throne™ that I know best from some super cringy teaser for the awful Terminator Genysis movie starring the dragon lady who gets raped a lot where this stupid throne inexplicably turns like a T-1000 into Emilia Clarke that looks like it was fan made but is an official release which seems to have been taken down from their official channel from how many downvotes it got lmao us nerds like being pandered to and everything but sometimes you can just take the piss
and then we see Tyrion Lannister getting his dick sucked by a whore, kinda funny that he's a dwarf character in a medieval fantasy world but it's not because he's a member of the race of dwarfs he was literally just born with dwarfism, or wait that's not PC anymore, and midget definitely isn't, I think you're meant to literally call them Little People which sounds extremely condescending and is not clear what you're referring to if you don't know that specific PC term but I guess that's what they prefer so god bless being a manlet is hard in any world, and then through some annoying dialog they establish the important information that Tyrion is the third Lannister sibling, they call him The Imp which he hates and uh the gods blessed him with a short refractory period and/or like his dick is regular sized so seems huge on his small body or something and then his brother walks in wearing armor and carrying a sword like he just walks fully strapped everywhere in on this whore about to ride his dick and tells her not to bother getting up and they start talking about how their sister has odd cravings wtf and then to speed up Tyrion's whoring so he can assist him later he lets in four other whores for an orgy and then just walks out making sure his manlet brother gets his nut real good is this some fucking hentai or something
then there's a brief scene of Ned and his fat friend talking about the few remaining Targaryens while visiting a tomb or something because I guess some other royal died or something and speak of the devil we cut to some place called Pentos that's Across the Narrow Sea I guess this is an allegory for the mainland of Europe, and the architecture is reminiscent of a sort of Greek or Roman style, and we see our second inferior Sarah Connor staring sadly out to sea as her foppish brother comes in talking about her upcoming wedding like a creeper and he's scheming to come into a throne too of course and then to correct her posture HE TAKES OFF HIS SISTERS DRESS AND STARTS PLAYING WITH HER TITS I gave the manlet a pass since it's 2019 and we've all seen an orgy in porn before but at least in porn they have the decency to say they're only step siblings so that's gonna be a big ol INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 1 from me dawg, and then as if to self harm and build up some theme of surviving sick burns with her she steps into a steaming hot bath as her slave girl warns her its too hot
then they meet a party of Dothraki who are basically the mongols of this universe, roving bands of raping and pillaging types, but who are all white, or well, passing for white like Aquaman, which is an interesting thing I'll need to keep a look out for, this was released in the ancient times of 2011 when you had all white casts for medieval europe inspired settings and no one batted and eye so we'll see when we first start getting like african americans playing Winterfell serfs out of nowhere as the 10s get more and more woke, and the brother gets introduced to Aquaman with some long-ass title like some Iron Fist shit and he tells his sister as if he gets turned on by how macho Aquaman is who's going to be cuckolding him talking about how they get their hair cut if they lose a fight and he's never lost a fight, which is I think a thing from ancient China, or at least a thing from Jackie Chan's character in Shanghai Knights lmao, but she just looks scared as they offer her up, with her nipples poking out of her dress as if this is some high budget porn intro, and he just sort of glares at her with his perma-angry arched eyebrows and rides off without saying anything and her brother starts whining about it like he wanted to get cucked right there and then and later on his adviser starts buttering him up about how the people want him as their true king since they seem to be in exile from whatever the fantasy name for the rip off of the UK is in this dudes palace probably just wanting to egg this prince guy on to take over so this advisor guy can be the new kings right hand man but they scheme scheme scheme away about how he finds the klingons or whatever weird barbarians but still needs to do this political marriage so he can use their army and out of nowhere wasitrape lady says "I dont want to be his queen" and in the only line I remember from watching this episode like 8 years ago HE TELLS HIS SISTER "I WOULD LET HIS WHOLE TRIBE FUCK YOU, ALL 40,000 OF THEIR MEN AND THEIR HORSES TOO, IF THATS WHAT IT TOOK" yep, that's gonna be another EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 4 from me! damn this dude loves his cuckolding hes not satisfied with just BDCs (Big Dothraki Cocks) running a train on her he needs horse cocks to get off too
then we cut to Sansa getting her hair did by her mother or whatever gossiping about Joffrey who she seems awfully attracted to for a like 13 year old ugly manlet but I guess the incels are right and she's a golddigger after his betabux and she's like "what if he thinks I'm ugly?" and her mother says he'd be stupid to think so fucking should have said "just show him Arya and you'll look great in comparison" lmao and she begs her to get Ned to allow their marriage as shes super thirsty
then we see the fat guy whoring around and Cersei looks rustled about it is that her husband I can't fucking keep track and then we see Jon Snow or whatever asking some warrior guy to let him serve on Hardians wall keeping the Scottish savages out I guess all this young men wanting to be soldiers is accurate since in ye olden times people thought war was some romantic adventure to prove how brave you are since most people just fucking died right away in melee combat or didn't survive their injuries and the leaders had like stories and poems commissioned about how cool and badass it is to trick more retard serfs into thinking it was ebin and then like a snake slithering up to hiss in his ear the manlet appears out from the shadows and starts trying to manipulate Jon about them both being outcasts in royal families since he's deformed and Jons a bastard, I usually like these sort of manipulator type characters like Ben Linus from Lost and I like the idea of a guy in a brutally violent world born disabled has to get real good at fighting with his words to survive so I think I'm gonna like this character unfortunately since that's who all the normies like and I don't wanna be a normie although I guess watching a show about brother/sister incest is normal now so actually never mind I'll be a normie in 2019 its lit fam then we get another meme drop as Ned says Winter Is Coming™ again yes only 8 years away and we see Cersei looking like shes got a serious case of resting bitch face glaring at everyone ignoring Lady Stark or whoever talking to her like she can't even be bothered to pretend to care about any of this and Sansa comes up and says she's 13 (have a seat over there sir) and tries to act polite sucking up to her hopefully future mother in law and Cersei acts creepy calling her dove and asking if she's still growing and then asks HAVE YOU BLED YET? and the answers no much to Cersei's disappointment since I guess she wants her spoiled retard son to have a heir asap so she's not relying on him for any longer than she has to or really wants their families alliance cemented asap or whatever oh my politics very nice that a 13 year old girls menses is an important plot point but I guess that would be a real concern "back then" so I'll let the pedoedge slide (although in ye olden times a lot of kids had delayed puberty until their mid to late teens from the malnutrition/rampant disease/strain of manual labor/general stress of the time so wouldn't get married until then and arranged child marriages like this was a thing mostly for rich cunts like this and often just formal with the two might never even meeting for years so fucking pre-teens wasn't a universal thing or anything) and Cersei tries to play nice asking for her to sew a dress but cant help but basically tell her future uh double mother in law or whatever that she lives in a shithole, then we see Joffrey gormlessly eyeing Sansa, can't wait for that rape scene, and then we see a drunken Jamie finally taken his gear off taunting Ned to fight him in a tournament and Ned says some edgy shit about "I don't fight in tournaments, when I fight a man for real, I don't want him to know what I can do" even though I am pretty sure they fight to the death in this universe so ok edgemaster and Arya gets sent to bed for flicking food around lis
then there's some more scheming between Ned and his wife about if they should move down to the capital or not and they bond over calling their friend fat lis and some old guy delivers ye olde text message in these weird things people called "letters" not very inventive since it is a bunch of letters and there's some conspiracy intrigue shit about how the other Jon, who was the kings right hand man, was murdered by the Lannisters and they're aiming for the king now, who I don't think we've met yet, and this is according to her sister and she mentions she'd be dead if this letter was intercepted by the wrong person, I guess these retards haven't invented encryption yet but then again its 2019 and people are still getting their tweets hacked so you know war... war never changes
then we see movie Sarah Connor sitting with Aquaman as her brother looks on eagerly for her to get SAVAGED as she gets brought gits of snakes and they watch some naked belly dancers as she looks on getting nervous about getting dicked and this dance is like a play or a real fight or something about a rape no wait I've got it THEY'RE DAGGERING BUDDY BUDDY BUDDY BUDDY BUDDY BUDDY BOOM BOOM BINSA BINSA BOWLO lmao and Aquaman loves this shit as it breaks out into a fight leading to a guy getting cutted as his intestines spill out for no reason other than gore, EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 5
and her brother gets uppity demanding his crown already but his adviser guy tells him "a dorthaki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair" lel then some guy I've seen in memes before arrives with some books for Sarah Connor #2 and I think this guy ends up her like extremely friendzoned ally or something and then another gift is given of fucking dragon egg fossils from The Shadow Realm from YuGiOh or some shit and I guess this is it and they're married because Aquaman just storms off and oh there we go there's our first black people in this crowd that watches her follow him apprehensively to pet a horse that I guess is the first animal to get a go on her, and there's a microedge where the friendzoned guy tells her "there is no word for thank you in dothraki" how do they... say thank you then? and then Aquaman puts her on a horse and her brother tells her "make him happy" and smiles like Louis C.K. is about to see his wife get BLACKED (updated meme: is about to jerk off in front of Sarah Silverman) then we see her by the sea as he undresses her piece by piece and she starts crying and he just says "no" and she asks if he knows "the common tongue" and he says "no" and she asks if the word "no" is the only one he knows and he says "no" lmao as if to drive home that even if they cant have a proper conversation he will at least know if he's raping her or not but it's pointless for her to even say no as he bends her over and the um consummation happens off-screen which is tasteful enough to not earn my edge rating and that's realism I guess women just being married off as political pawns and their consent just not taken into account by any of the men involved at all as if they were livestock being traded (as it should be) actually wait I have a funny meme instead of a kill count I'll keep a tally of each characters rapes lmao ok KHAL DROGO +1 DAENERYS TARGARYEN (DOGGY STYLE RAPE)
then we see the manlet talking to a guy who I know from memes where autistic soyboys want him to fight the big guy for you called The Hound talking about going hunting and they ride off with Ned and his fat friend who promises to help him "not seem so fucking grim all the time" lmao I guess they hadn't invented anti-depresents yet and then the big meme is coming up as Bran gets his Dying Light on and climbs up the castle by a dodgy greenscreen and he years some sex noises of a woman moaning and climbs closer to the window to see and he spies Jamie giving it real good to a woman down on her knees doggy stype who sits up and its... CERSEI!!!! JAIME'S FUCKING HIS SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKING BASED!!!!!!!!!!!!! and now while there was a lot of inbreeding with royal families marrying their cousins to each other and shit I am pretty sure most stories of royal families literally fucking their mums and sisters and shit was mostly propaganda so I'm gonna have to give this a big ol INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 2 thanks for some fun wank material
but we're not fucking done yet as Jaime runs over and grabs Bran and it seems like he's just going to try and talk him into keeping it secret or explaining it away but Cersie starts bitching "he saw us!" and that sister-pussy is just too good as Jaime realizes "you're quite the little climber arent you?" figuring out an easy alibi for his death that he regularly climbs about doing dangerous shit and just to show how cold hearted he is he even establishes that he's only 10 and then JAIME SHOVES THE 10 YEAR OLD OUT THE WINDOW SO HE CAN KEEP FUCKING HIS SISTER EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 6 and Bran falls out the window down onto the camera cutting to black as we cut to credits you'd think someone as smart as Cersei would not fuck her brother while in rival territory but I'm guessing she's not genuinely attracted to him it's just a way to manipulate him and make sure he stays extra loyal to her and making him think she has genuine lust for him too is part of the scheme and I guess it's not the taboo nature of their coupling that's needing covered up since like they're royals they can do whatever they want it's that she's cheating on the king and he'd have to have Jaime executed in some brutal fashion to save face
ok well that was only 5000 words pretty good actually I just flew right through that so that means I could review this whole show in just about... 335,000 words.... oh... ok.... anyway my first impressions are the production values are really good, all really good performances other than Emilia Clarke who seems a bit novice-ish, and the visuals are all great with everything looking believably lived-in and lots of different styles for the different cities featured and the cinematography for the outdoor scenes being really engaging with only a bit of dodgy green screen here and there which isn't too bad for an 8 year old show my main complaint is the plot seems to be byzantine in nature where I feel like I'm gonna have to hardline some vaccines to get enough autism to follow all this family tree next in line claim to the throne bullshit and the dialog is all that sort of airy fairy quasi-poetic way Americans write royal families in any period or setting to talk like I've had enough of this shit in the fucking Thor movies it seems like Ned is the only one who just says things straight forward without having to talk in metaphors like they do on The Walking Dead and everything he says is some super edgy shit about death as if he's got some dank ass depression and all the sex and violence while I am fine with it and love it it's obviously coming from a culture that usually hides that sort of thing on mainstream TV shows but this is HBO getting to basically yell in your face THIS IS ADULT MATERIAL FOR ADUUUUUULTS!!! LOOK A TITTY!!!! when that's not very shocking in the 10s and is kind of like a teenager swearing a lot now they're allowed to or something but whatever more memes for me lets keep going
Game of Thrones 1x02: "The Kingsroad"
kill all gingers special edition
First aired: April 24, 2011
we see whatever Sarah Connor #2s name is that I've yet to remember how to spell yet in shock from getting raped all night and the white knight beta orbiter and gives her some horse beef jerky and tells her about ghost grass that's going to kill all the other grass or some shit that will end the world according to the mongol retards that'd be quite the series finale if that actually came true then we see these nomadic peoples typical life in their teepees that's kinda like native american life you know before whitey came and killed them all and they ended up in trailer parks kind of interesting how they compile all these different historical cultures into one story although I have a nagging feeling that it's not out of creativity this is just how Americans see world history since in American culture like their Civil War is absolute ancient history even though it's within like only 2 human life times there's someone alive right now who's grandparent was alive during it so the idea of like the UK having history that goes back thousands and thousands of years does not compute and to American culture it's literally all just "before american independence" and it might as well all be the same to them anyway the cuckold brother talks to the beta orbiter and it's established I think that the orbiter is wanted by the Starks because he sold men who were poaching on his land to slavers which I guess is outlawed in Winterfell ooh very progressive I'm not sure they had full on slaves like the African slave trade or in antiquity in medieval Europe I think they just had a serf system where yeah pretty much your landlord owned you but you were living in your own homes not being literally kept in chains which seemed to mostly be a thing that happened to prisoners of war or people failing to pay debt rather than a huge industry where you like bred people for that purpose and shit
then we get an edgy joke from Joffrey finding the manlet waking up in a pigsty next to a dog that he's got "better looking bitches than he's used to" and Joffrey tries to act tough in front of The Hound that he can't be fucked to go and see Bran because he "cant stand the wailing of women" and HIS UNCLE BITCH SLAPS HIM and warns him not a word but he squeaks "I'm telling mother!" and GETS SLAPPED AGAIN lmao rekt you edgy little shit and the manlet orders Joffrey to go suck up to the Starks and SLAPS HIM AGAIN when he tries to talk back until he gives in and runs off flustered and The Hound warns "the prince will remember that, little lord" as if they're in a fucking Fallout game, in fact I think there actually was a Game of Thrones video game by telltale, well rip that since they went bankrupt lmao, if I know my child developmental psychology Joffrey's such a cruel little prick with pent up anger to take out on everyone is because him getting slapped by his elders is a regular occurrence or else he wouldn't put up with it from the manlet he's just shocked the one person he's bigger than is even doing it
and then unfortunately for the wonder twins the manlet tells them that Bran is alive and might survive and Jaime tries to float the idea of putting him out of his misery if he's crippled but Tyrion or whatever can already sniff out they had something to do with it and they have le vague scheming conversation about who's side he's on Jaime is quite the brainlet for not going down to make sure he was dead and then we see Cersei coming to check on Bran and his mother as she talks about losing her own son years ago which was probably a universal experience for parents in "those days" and they have a little teary eyed mini-cry together pretty good performance from Lena Headey there you can tell Cersei is trying to manipulate the mother but is genuinely dredging up unhappy memories to help her do so and she's not as cold as her brother and her life being so shit is probably why she's such a ruthless cunt but I'm still waiting for her to try to suffocate Bran or some shit lmao
then Jaime has an edgy conversation with Jon about him wanting to serve at The Wall about how you'll realize people are just sacks of meat once he finally swings his sword at someone yeah great stuff mate I'm guessing these two characters will never speak again since they seem heavily segregated from the memes I've seen for the rest of the show then Jon goes to give Arya her own little custom made sword which she immediately almost accidentally stabs him with lmao jesus fucking ban assault swords now then Jon goes and says goodbye to a comatosed Bran and invites him to come walk with him behind The Wall if he's not afraid (of the Mexicans) and then Ned arrives and his wife has a bit to say about ye olde toxic masculinity where Ned considers he has no choice but to leave but she says "that's just what men always say but you do have a choice" which is interesting that Cersei was just talking about how men do shit like punch walls to "try to show you how much they care" as if she's giving her permission to look at men critically or something by hearing another Queen talk that way then Jon hugs his edgy half-brother or whoever goodbye and Ned tells him he's proud but refuses to tell him who his mother is until next time they meet yeaaaah guessing that's not gonna happen nice dumbass mystery this is definitely a tv thing in real life he'd probably just ask someone else or something and then he goes to do his tour in Iraq or whatever
actually speak of the contrived tv mystery the next scene Ned is having a picnic with his fat friend, who I have a sneaking suspicion is going to backstab him or something since he's the only person who acts friendly with seemingly an open agenda, and they're having an edgy conversation about wenches tits when he just namedrops who Jon's mother is, Wylla, who I'm sure we'll see in like 100 episodes time, and then fatty gives him a letter about Sarah Connor's wedding and starts ranting edgily about her spreading her legs to pump out more Targaryens who he wants to kill because they killed their family or some elaborate shit I ain't looking up in a fan wikia or any bullshit like that but Ned isn't too concerned because the Dothraki are brainlets who don't have any ships to reach the fantasy UK
speaking of savage mongol retards we see Aquaman chilling with his bros and then he goes into his tent to get KHAL DROGO +1 DAENERYS TARGARYEN (DOGGY STYLE RAPE) on his wife from the infamous "was it rape?" webm and the answer is yes since fuck moral relativity it's for libcucks who want to excuse backwards brown people throwing acid in women's faces or whatever and if it was valid then nothing anyone would do ever could be morally wrong since it's taking place within it's own context that explains its difference from the norm no matter how unreasonable seeming to an outsider, e.g. of course that guy burgled a house he needed drug money, of course that guy was a serial killer he happened to be a psychopath, of course that guy did a suicide bombing he was following his extremist faith, ect ect, although there's a thing now where we pretend moral relativism doesn't get applied to people alive right now and start judging historical figures for owning slaves or whatever, but you know what they're right, I don't care if it was the norm back then if one of George Washington's many slave mistresses just killed him one day and escaped she'd be doing the right thing and most people who do bad things right now in the first world are braindead apes who think they're in the right so fuck it, anyway Emilia Clark gives a hilarious performance here where her eyebrows are going insane as she gets her not so virgin secret garden brutally mowed by Aquaman's trident and it really does look like something from a porno or something lmao and we see her staring at the fossilised dragon eggs to try and cultivate some inner strength or something for some foreshadowing oh yeah and thats gonna be a big ol EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 7 from me since it's our first on-screen rape scene
and then we see Jon and the manlet on their way to The Wall and some men are brought in with their hands tied and the manlet explains "rapers, they can be castrated or sent to The Wall, most choose the knife" damn I know it's all white people up here but they really hate rap music that much? I'm guessing this is the kind of thing where it only counts as rape if you're raping another mans wife or daughter, you can rape your own wife all you want (as it should be) also there's a thing with morons who use castration to mean cutting off the penis too but if he means the proper sense it always struck me as odd since yeah I'm sure a loss in testosterone production would make a male criminal less violent in general but I am pretty sure you can still get a boner without your balls it might just be a struggle so you could still get your rape on but maybe in "those days" the concern was more about knocking up another mans wife since she might fucking die in child birth and not even for her mans bloodline which is funny that they had eunuchs in different cultures throughout history to like guard the queens chambers and shit and even though they couldn't get her pregnant they mighta still been having it away with them and probably from having lower testosterone were able to last all night and they chat about how Tyrion or whatever is a nerd who reads books and he admits that his brother killed the king their father was the right hand man to? but wasn't it established that they killed the new king(I think Cersei's husband)s right hand man? why not just kill the new king if she wants to take over? was he onto them or some shit? oh my palace intrigue, and the manlet teases Jon some more about how he's not as idealistic as he makes himself out to be causing him to have a glance over at the rapists as if he's testing him to see what his character is really made of and it's making Jon consider taking action against his rather unsavoury new comrades, I really like uh Peter Dinklage's performance here he really sells a guy who radiates confidence in his intellect and like he's completely assured he can toy with someone into doing whatever he needs
then some old bald guy comes to Lady Stark and basically says we're fucking broke after that royal visit and everyone important left and the edgy son arrives to tell her to get a fucking grip sitting over Bran all day when he spots a fire which idk how you even fought that back then and when he leaves Lady Stark turns around to see SOME ASSASSINS CREED LOOKING ASS MOTHERFUCKER WITH A DAGGER BEHIND HER
who I assume set the fire as a distraction and he says some shit about how this'll be a mercy I assume he was sent by the Lannisters to tie up loose vaginas and there is a dumb trope I see in movies sometimes where Lady Stark tries to defend him by grappling with him and she grabs his dagger with both hands and holds on uhhh yeah no he could just pull it away and it'd slice right through her flesh, there's no way in fuck to grip a fucking blade designed for cutting through meat with your fucking hands that are made of meat and hold it there, this happened in that Scottish history movie Rob Roy where he just grabs the sword of his enemy so he cant fight him as he stabs him, if you can just grab swords then whats the fucking point of them lmao, just do that all the time, anyway Cat fights literally tooth and nail biting his hand and shit as she's a real nigga ready to do anything for her kids but the assassin throws her away and is about to merc Bran when THE DIREWOLF JUMPS ON HIM AND TEARS HIM APART and then hops up on Brans bed to guard him as the assassin bleeds to death from his torn out throat fucking destroyed gayboy that's not really that edgy since the dog literally didn't do anything wrong and was just defending his master
then we see Sarah Connor #2 getting bathed by slave girls and she asks about the dragon eggs and one of them tells a tale she heard from the trader who brought them about how dragons come from the moon (ayy lmao) and she tells the other girls who tell a shitter story about the moon being the wife of the sun to fuck off so she can talk to this woman who tells her her mother sold her to a pleasure house when she was NINE hmm seems to be a uh lot of focus on underage girls being sexually exploited whats uh whats going on here GRRM hmm? I mean if I ever wrote a big work of fiction kids getting molested would be mentioned every page but that's because I'm extremely redpilled and know that's what makes the world turn I am pretty sure GRRM is just a sex weirdo but thankfully this handmaiden does the fucking Mohammad and Alisha meme of "oh I didn't have sex when I was 9 lol that would be so fucked up!..... don't worry I waited three years" oh ok great and then she asks her for sex tips on how to please her rapist lmao
then Jon and the crew finally arrive at... DONALD TRUMPS WALL wow it only took space and time running for so long it looped back around to being the medieval period for it to get built bravo cant wait for the carrier pigeon messages about how winter is coming disproves global warming
then Lady Stark does some ye olde fucking CSI shit where she goes to where they found Bran and looks up to where he fell out of and goes up to the tower and investigates the ground and finds... A LONG BLONDE HAIR hmmmmmmmm and with surprisingly fast plot progression
she just holds a meeting in the woods and tells her most trusted men that someone tried to kill Bran twice over something he saw any other show would have it be an entire season before they realized this and she elects to ride by herself and with an interesting approving nod from the older man the pigtailed neckbeard to go tell Sean Bean because she's worried the mods will read her DMs on ye olde twitter by intercepting her carrier crow
then there's some dank ass lesbian porn where the slave girl is sitting ontop of her showing her how to RIDE DICK and tells her to always look him in the eyes and talks about a woman who could "finish a man" just by making eye contact which she doesn't even get the reference due to having been a virgin only a few days ago and this was before the internet so idk how people even knew how to have sex and they intertwine their hands as the sex slave girl pins her hands down and when she worries that Aquaman wont like her ontop she tells him "you'll make him like it" and advice her to not "make love like a slave" and shows her how to ride ontop and Daenerys, lets just call her Dany, like spins her around so she's ontop, as if she could do that to some 250lb barbarian, and the slave says "out there he's the mighty Kahl, bit in here he belongs to you!" uhhhh Dany was probably right at first I doubt this ultra chad dude is into femdom shit but who knows maybe he wants his boipussy pegged deep down and the slave girl says some admiring shit to her about how this is why he married her or whatever, now I get that what's happening here is Dany is of strong enough will and sound enough mind to be using what few resources she has access to to improve her situation but honestly this is getting a bit into yikes territory since you could probably write this sort of thing where she figures out for herself maybe if she takes control of the sex it'll be easier for her or the other sex slave girl just tells her without showing her in some sapphic example since this just comes across like GRRM or DnD as the shows showrunners are referred to as are writing this shit one-handed if ya know what I'm memeing
anyway then later on Aquaman comes lumbering into their tent and stands right in front of her with his naked dick in her face and I assumed there would be le succ but he just goes to mount her for doggystyle again since he's a boring fuckboy who just wants the same position over and over again and when she says no and tries to turn around he just ignores her and aces her away again since he knows how to treat women properly but she says in Dothraki that she wants to look upon his face and manages to get ontop of him to ride him and he's like w-woah g-g-girl o-ontop.... ?!?!?! and literally looks confused at first but then gets into it and he sits up so they can make-out you can tell this fucking 50 year old obese wizard virgin GRRM read some like cosmo mag about how if your mans dick is too big try doing cowgirl but I think that's so the woman has more control over who deep he's going it probably doesn't make it any easier for a virgin bride if he immediately starts grabbing at her and fucking her anyway like Aquaman does but what do I know my sister only likes it ontop but yeah uh very weird storyline about Dany learning how to fit her rapists cock more comfortably that I guess was meant to read as empowering as she starts to take even a little bit of control back but they had to make it into a sensual lesbian thing and then a sensual romance thing and it's all a bit cringy since uh yeah this guys been traded her like a goat and is fucking her against her will regularly which is meant to be horrible and fucked up not some erotic journey but that's what all erotic novels for women is about anyway "oh no this guy is a vampire/robot/caveman/demon/ghost/rogue AI/dictator/zombie/anthro bird monster/post-apoc raider/serial killer/werewolf/evil fairy/djinn/tribal cannibal/pirate/hitman/psycho/ninja/t-rex... b-but he's in love with me?!" so they love it and they deserve rape.... scene writing of this quality and my only problem with those sorts of books is they don't write these for men too and you know what just to prove I'm not a rape culture supporter I'll still give this to Kahl KHAL DROGO +1 DAENERYS TARGARYEN (COWGIRL RAPE) since she's clearly under duress and only having sex with him that way so she doesn't need to get her back walls smashed in like the last at least two times and I'm not sure if I'm gonna call edgy on this since the edgy thing about this is its trying NOT to be edgy its trying to be some hot passionate scene in the midst of this fucked up unhot situation so just another bit of americanism
then outside the castle Sansa is walking her direwolf when some local thot girls eye her up as if she's taking it into the woods to get knotted by it when suddenly a young woman's worst nightmare.... an ugly man... suddenly appears in front of her, and then to make matters even worse The Hound who's got some two-face shit going on appears behind her and the ugly guy looks edgily and walks off as The Hound explains The Mad King whoever that is cut out his tongue and Joffrey swaggers up saying some edgy shit about how he talks with his sword instead and calls The Hound a dog who he shoos away as hes scaring "m'lady" and his absolutely euphoric fedora tipping flirting is actually working on her as she walks off into the woods with her to find Arya practising fencing with her gingernut friend with wooden sticks and Joffrey starts the fuckboy antics right away by plying Sansa with wine and starts bullying the ginger nut and slicing at his cheek with his real sword but Arya whacks him with her stick and Joffrey being a right little psycho immediately starts trying to hack at her and screams ILL GUT YOU YOU LITTLE CUNT even though he knows shes a princess but then HER WOLF STARTS MAULING HIM LMAO
and Arya grabs Joffrey's sword and holds it to him who starts begging like a little bitch so Arya just throws it into the river and runs off and Sansa takes his side the dumb redhead thot and Joffrey gets all insecure that hes been rekt by a dog then we see Arya having to throw a rock at her dog so it'll leave her as they have guards looking to kill it for biting Joffrey and by nightfall Ned is out there still looking for her, wait I thought he had gone to the capital, or are the girls travelling with them, idk, and he gets told they already found her and he gets uppity the Lannisters didn't come to him first and oh, the king is his fat friend and Cersei's husband, and when Cersei tries to tell Ned to have respect for his king he snaps at her to be "quiet woman" lmao back in the kitchen, and Joffrey has gone crying to mummy claiming they attacked him first and it's a big embarrassment in front of all their men until... the Lannisters call out Sansa who seemed like she was going to take Joffrey's side but she bottles it and pretends not to remember and then Arya attacks her lmao not putting forward a very good case for your innocence and Cersei smirks as if she'd hoped that would have happened and maybe even arranged for them to first see each other again in front of everyone so it would and that's why she didn't send anyone to tell Ned herself and the lardass in cheif tries to just handwave it away as kids being kids but Cersei plays up Joffrey being a victim a bit too much so his father loses respect for him being disarmed by a girl with a stick which might actually be her intention again to get him frustrated in general and embarrassed in front of his men so that when he realizes they cant find the direwolf that bit Joffrey she can suggest... their other direwolf... Sansas... and the girls throw a tanty since that wolf wasn't even there and Ned tries to get mercy but fatty is already fired up so Ned, like the real man and/or depressed emo that he is, says he'll do it, and Cersei thinks this must be some sort of trick probably to egg him on to definitely doing it or like she cant believe anyone genuinely having respect for an animal, and on Ned's way out he finds The Hound coming back... with the corpse of the gingernut on his horse... and he just comments forlornly "he ran... not very fast" as if he at least knows it was the wrong thing to do which puts him above most of the other characters who just blindly follow orders not thinking twice about it
and as we see Ned slit the other wolfs throat, which I'll give a pass on the edgy rating since it happens just off-screen so whatever,... Bran wakes up... with quite the incest erotica to share
well that was a good scene with Cersei doing like four different things to manipulate that outcome she wanted I guess just to establish dominance over that family and let them know yeah this is their king and they're their bitch she's got a similar thing to the manlet going on where she's had to be manipulative because they cant overcome via physical force or commanding respect since one's disabled and the other is, even worse, a woman, welp these episode are actually flying by quite quickly I quite like the sort of decompressed style a lot of these idk what you call them premium cable or whatever shows like HBO, AMC and FX do where they don't just want to spew as many episodes as they can out there as cheap as they can like most network or whatever the american term is for the big five tv channels over there but shows like Breaking Bad can leisurely take their time letting you really live in a situation and let it slowly play out in a more subtle and realistic manner than rushing to hit the intro, middle and outro of a dialog like most shows do until you might only get like 6 scenes total in an episode and it works really well here where there's a very big cast like LOST bit instead of it centring on an A and B plotlike like that show you only really get one or two scenes with each character but they're in-depth and long enough to make it count and is ideal for le binge watching as opposed to having to wait a week in case you like only like one character or something and only get one scene of them per week which would be annoying and also good for my reviewing since style since each scene is more about the general subtext of what each character wants out of the situation rather than the ins and outs of each line or action like in some things I've reviewed a bit too extraneously
Game of Thrones 1x03: "Lord Snow"
Lord Stark, I'm CIA special edition
First aired: May 1, 2011
so this episode opens with Ned and Jaime in the iron throne room, that looks pretty unsafe and like someones going to get poetically impaled on it at some stage, having another one of their subtle but not so subtle pissing contest conversations where Ned implies Jaime's a pussy for having such unscathed armor (even though I'm pretty sure he'd have multiple suits to replace any damage but ok) which is a bit grating but I get they're going for the divide between the classes of the way they talk where the upper class people pretend to be civilized and polite in front of each other but really underneath it they say the same unsavoury things to each other as the crass underclasses but I'm pretty sure irl no rich cunt actually talked like this that's just how people now adays think they did since that's what all of the writing was like but that's because reading and writing was a rare learned skill that you had to study formally for and they'd probably learn a very strict way to write probably using the bible and poetry heavily and it was only going to be read by people who had the same sort of very technical education but actually speaking out loud I doubt people stood there trading double entendres and metaphors all day long although at least it's not as bad as The Walking Dead where people talk entirely in obscure idioms and obtuse proverbs in the modern day but it does segway cleverly into instead of just vague insults Jaime just skips straight to bringing up his brother and father being immolated or something in the throne room in front of everyone by Aerys Targaryen "The Mad King", I assume the other incestuous siblings father, and apparently he killed him and I guess is bringing that up to remind Ned his family died like bitches but also he owes him for avenging them and maybe to soothe his ego after Ned called him the punk but Ned's not having any of it and implies he only literally backstabbed him because it was convenient
then we get introduced to two important characters that I know from memes some bald guy who's a eunuch which for some reason is treated by modern culture as just a weird idiosyncratic thing in the past when it's obviously fucking horrible probably because it happened to men so no one cares lmao and it literally still happens in modern day India where homeless eunuchs castrate homeless little boys so they never hit puberty and can pimp them out for longer and this is also looked upon as just some weird Indian cultural trope thing oh those weird Hijras they're like our trans people I guess when they literally kidnap children to mutilate them for profit and one one asks why all these males have been castrated fuck India and fuck humans and the second important character is apparently a master ruseman played by none other than Aidan Gillen aka CIA from TDKR aka the guy from the funny Bane memes and holy shit he's got his hands on his belt just like when we first see him in the plane scene lmaoooo
who greet Ned into their like advisors chamber and through extremely round about and flowery language it's established that CIA duelled Ned's brother, who was literally just called Brandon lol, over Caitlyn Tully, who's now Ned's wife, I'm guessing it's going to be a bit thing where he orbits her like a mad cunt after a certain someone gets beheaded and maybe it'll turn out he got his bother killed too and he just keeps taking out his romantic rivals to his oneitis or some extreme beta orbiting shenanigans and now that Ned is the Kings Hand he gets to sit with them and the other two advisors to do the actual work of running the kingdom when this lazy fat fuck wont even turn up to work and the first order of business is holding a tournament to honor Ned's appointment but it comes out that the Crown is SIX MILLION SHEKELS in debt because the king is a retard who just keeps borrowing money from the Lannisters lmao first day on the job and already panicking about the national debt so Ned just cancels the tournament from the stress but the eunuch guy assures him they serve at his pleasure probably because he can tell this dudes in the vulnerable position of being over-worked AND the only honest actor in the whole seven kingdoms with good intentions and no hidden agenda so he can manipulate him easily
then we see Joffrey getting his bitten arm treated by Cersei and she tries to lead him down the path of how to frame this as a victory by just lying that he killed the beast and only spared the girls out of respect for their father but he just whines depressed that he got humiliated in front of everyone and she tries to tell him that he's next in line so the truth will be whatever he can make it eventually and it seems Joffrey is getting second thoughts about marrying the seemingly very keen Sansa, I guess since he was so embarrassed in front of her but maybe also that he just hates her family now, but his mother tries to reassure him, ever the romantic, that he'd only need to see her on formal occasions and to produce heirs and if he wants to fuck "painted whores" or "virginal damsels" then he can do that too but he doesn't seem satisfied maybe because it's just fucking awkward his callously blunt mother is holding his face and talking about all the sex he can have but also probably mainly he's just a spoiled twat and doesn't want to be required to do anything in his entire life hell yeah dude I can relate to that but also it seems like I was right and he's particularly uppity at the Starks for what happened and he starts ranting about how ideas for being king where he'd double the Starks taxes and make them give 10K men for a standing royal army rather than just calling for other Lords men when they need it which is I think a reference to some English king who's name I forgot who first came up with that idea and basically founded the British army like 500 years ago and Cersei seems pleased he has his own ideas for leadership but teases him that he's not as smart as he thinks he is yet and he risks those men rebelling if he needed to overthrow the Starks and she warns him "the North can not be held by outsiders, it's too big and too wild" which is maybe a reference to how Scotland was never successfully invaded like every other cuck nation in human history and various invading forces just had to like stop at the border because we're fucking mental and this whole 7 kingdoms thing is basically the UK and the cold-ass north could be read as Scotland especially with the situation of a Lord being a cuck and bowing to the capital down south for shekels and political marriages even if they cant be physically conquered and Cersei tells him "anyone who isn't us is an enemy" huh good parenting
and then we see Arya being edgy stabbing a knife into a dinner table over and over again because she wants revenge on Joffrey, this show really is fitting to be a telltale game since it all revolves around if characters are loyal, manipulative or vengeful towards each other like everyone has one of those relationship charts with their different emotional statuses towards every other character in some big network of autism, and Ned sends her to her room and gives Sansa a doll as a present but she's being all huffy because Arya was mad at her too and Ned just sighs and says "war was easier than daughters" lmao an interesting counter-scene to Cersei trying to parent a son where she just assumes all he wants is sex because he's male and that's how she manipulates every other man even her own fucking brother and probably wishes it was that "easy" with him we also have Ned who just wants his daughters to be little princess girls forever who only care about playing with dolls and not be their own complex people he can't understand and then he goes to Arya to try and explain the delicate political situation they have to put up with to avoid war even if it means basically selling his own daughter and starts going on about the Winter is Coming meme the most obvious reading of this is it's literally winter where people back then had to take seriously planning for or they'd fucking starve to death but it might also be a reference for a time of war or hardship in general and child born outside of that might not understand how serious life can get and isn't just all about what you feel is right in the moment aka all the numales who love this show and wish they lived in this setting and Ned not being a total lame-o lets Arya keep her sword
and then we see Bran laying in bed in a mood from presumably being fucked up and scared if he should tell or not and some old lady is trying to cheer him up and she says to him "oh my sweet summer child" which is a meme I've read redditors saying for the last 8 years I never knew it was from this I just assumed it was some faggy song or something that makes up 50% of all reddit posts but now I get the reference to summer that these little zoomer kids don't understand what its like having a winter that goes on for years (that would obviously completely destroy a civilization of this stage and no one would ever live in this area like how no one lives in the north or south pole since even people who've adapted to living in the arctic circle can't take a winter lasting for like literally 6 months but ok) and she tells him an edgy story about how a thousand years ago there was a winter that lasted a generation where kings froze in their castle just like a farmer in their hut and mothers smothered their babies rather than see them starve and felt the tears freeze on their cheeks and Bran perks up and she's like "is that the kind of story you like?" and Bran nods because he's taken a crash course, literally, in edge recently and she tells him that's when the White Walkers came riding their dead horses and hunting with spiders as big as hounds nice build-up for some over arching villains we're not going to be able to see again for like 5 seasons and then one of Bran's brothers comes in and excuses the old lady and tries to handwave her scary story by saying she once told him the sky is blue because they lived in a giants eye and Bran says "maybe we do" lmao is this what flatearthers said back when everyone thought the world was flat so they could still be edgy (j/k we knew the earth was round for like 5000 years you dumb tinfoil retards) and whoever this nicer brother comes to ask Bran if he really fell but Bran's claiming he is and starts saying he'd rather be dead than unable to walk I guess he's smart enough to know that spilling the beans will just cause ever unfolding violence but him being alive will just endanger everyone close to him if he's been told about the assassin sent for him or maybe he's just worried they'll assume he's told more and more for as long as he's alive and will be more and more likely to turn on them
then we see the dude with the pigtails neckbeard is consoling Lady Stark in Kingslanding because she doesn't want to be noticed around there from all the drama with Ned's brother and CIA I assume but some guards arrive to escort them into the city uh oh and it is CIA that sent for her who sends some thots away it looked like he was educating or something and he's like oh Cat! but she replies "you little worm!" and throws his note at her lmao oh yeah that's right his name is Wormtongue or is that the dude from LOTR idk all the same gay nerd shit and she starts ranting "you take me for some back alley sally you can drag into a-" and then another of his whores and a john come out with her tits out he has to snap to leave lmao awkwaaaaard and another moment that will shock no one but boomer americans and like 11 year old boys whos parents don't let him on the computer or have a phone to jerk off to when he gets the DVDs if anyone even does that anymore
and it turns our the castrated baldy Varys told him she was coming and asks about the assassins dagger which he heard about from his "little birdies" which I assume he means spies but maybe intercepting actual birds because I think hes like the royal spymaster or something that handles all their intelligence agency shit, so ironically he is the CIA not CIA, and he's probably the one who sent the assassin in the first place, but he claims not to know, and CIA mocks him for finally knowing something he doesn't, maybe foreshadowing that no, he does know, since it seems out of character to not already know everything, and he admits it's actually his that he lost betting on Jaime in jousting, ok I guess they don't always fight to the death and I guess he does just change his armor when he loses a fight lel, and CIA claims Tyrion was the one who won it, which is an obvious frame job since Tyrion is smart enough not to give an assassin a one-of-a-kind blade, damn detective work was hard for all of human history before you could just follow CCTV footage and read smartphone records and know a criminals entire life inside and out lmao
then we see Jon training with the other knight watchmen to serve at The Wall and the CO guy taunts Jon for being a posh tit who thinks hes better than them but he manages to beat every other guy he sends at him, is it just me or are these big heavy swords shit weapons? I'd rather have a knife or an axe or something I can quickly swing at someone rather than heave this big thing around you could easily avoid and counter, but maybe they're moving so slow because they have heavy chainmail and leather armor on from the cold weather or something, heh bet I could beat him with my katana which is clearly superior nippon steel folded one thousand times and then we see the general giving Tyrion a note he got for Jon but seemingly didn't give to him
and we cut to Jon getting a note with presumably the same news and CIA comes up acting all smug like he already knows its contents and takes him, to his surprise, to see his wife who, to his even worse surprise, CIA has stashed in one of the whorehouses he owns lmao, and Ned grabs him by the throat up against a wall and tells him "you're a funny man" thinking he took him across the city just to make a joke about his wife being a whore lmao and is about to choke him out no matter how much the soyboy scrambles to pull his hand off since the silvertongued CIA is at the disadvantage of not being able to talk at all until Cat pokes her head out and Neds like wtf yeah don't prank Ned he wont wait for you to tell him where the camera is bro
then back at The Wall or whatever some other new recruits attack Jon for embarrassing them in training but Tyrion walks in and very casually as if he's just boasting about the size of his dick or something says they have interesting faces as if to disarm them with confusion first so they're not as riled up when he threatens them and then drops "I wonder if they'd look good on pikes outside Kingslanding? I could write to my sister about it..." and they get the hint and back off telling him they'll see him later and Jon tanks Tyrion for at least being honest about what a shithole The Wall is because he feels Ned abandoned him by letting him go up there by Tyrion tells him the guys who just attacked him have sob stories too, one was abandoned by his father and the other was arrested for stealing cheese for his starving sister and was offered losing a hand or signing up, except they didn't have the privilege of growing up in a royal family, and the guys look like he's glad he's being reasonable to them and Jon might be an arrogant prick but he feels rejected by the world just like them as if Tyrion knows just what to say to defuse the tension between them so they can both have some compassion for each other
then back at Kingslanding CIA is warning the Starks it'd be considered treason to accuse Tyrion and he'd just claim the dagger was stolen, I guess this is him manipulating them into using more underhanded methods to deal with this rather than announce to the whole world what they think is happening since he knows Tyrion is smart enough to realize it was him and is also smart enough to fuck with him back, and Cat assures Ned that CIA is "like a little brother to me, he'd never betray my trust" yeah I bet he is, in this royal family at least, and CIAs got them in such a spot that Cat is left thanking him for being such a good friend (lmao friendzoned!!!) and saying she wont forget this and him getting to just tell them don't tell anyone about this, this dude, Tyrion and Cersei all rule and are the most interesting part of the show but I understand how we need to see the dumbasses they manipulates lives too to get the full picture
then we see Jaime turn up at Cersei's bedroom and it seems he was the one who sent the assassin, possibly on CIAs advisement, and thinks its no big deal since "I think we can outfox a ten year old" kek and just flippantly says he'll go to war with Ned if he has to, which he already seems to be wanting to do anyway because he's an insecure vain Chad who cant take some banter, and he says "maybe they'll write a ballad about us, The War For Cersei's Cunt" HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA and Cersei looks like she's thinking she needs to reassert herself and slaps him but he just grabs her and holds her tight and she cries to be let go thinking he's about to get raped but Jaime starts muttering about how he'd kill the boy, all the Starks and the whole world until their the only ones left and she just endures the discomfort of being treated like a piece of property by her brother because it's in her best interest to keep him that insanely devoted to her than have someone so petty and impulsive getting angry at her
then outside we see the Starks talking about how Cat needs to leave while Ned finds evidence and they mention ah his name is Littlefinger ok I wonder what that's in reference to his fucking DICK maybe since he's stuck in the friendzone worse than comic!Thanos
and we see the king, who's weirdly one of the most underwritten characters despite being the centre piece to all the other like 20 odd characters lives who's only character so far is he's lazy and can't be dealing with any interpersonal or bureaucratic drama, and he talks to some general guy about how it's been so many years but he remembers every face and asks him who was his first and how he did it and I thought he was talking about having sex with women at first but the general replies "lance through the heart" and the king replies "quick one, lucky... for you" lmao nice Baneposting reference there DnD which is interesting that the king has enough honesty to admit his first kill was unpleasant for him but as he tells the story of killing a young man with a war hammer in the battle it seems he came to power from he laughs at how he "they never mention how they always shit themselves, they never put that in the songs" but by the end of it he's lost the humor of it and looks grim again and starts ranting about how if only this guy was smart he'd still be alive with a wife making him miserable, ingrate sons and having to wake 3 times a night to piss into a bowl getting more and more mad like he's just ranting about his own life as if he wishes he'd just died in a glorious battle rather than have this boring stressful life idk who this actor is but he's pretty great and when he barks for wine he starts mocking his servants name, Lancel Lannister, lmao more like Incel Lannister as this dweeby looking guy just stands there taking the king chewing him out for letting the wine run out, and he tells him to bring his cousin in there, but when he opens the door Jaime is already there standing with his back away and his arm on his sword in his fancy armor looking like some edgy anime character as he turns to smugly look at his brother in law as the king laments "ugh surrounded by Lannisters, every time I close my eyes I see their blonde hair and smug smiles" and starts trying to wind up Jaime by calling him "Kingslayer" and about now being his sentry as his king "eats and drinks and shits and fucks" and eggs him on to tell about his first kill "not counting old men" lmao and he starts reminiscing about glories of the past with the general guy and the king gets miffed that these two clearly respect each other more than him so starts asking him about killing the Mad King asking what his last words were and Jamie stares off into the distances with a maybe put on thousand-yard-stare to try to hammer home what a burden his mighty heroism must be especially when compared to the listless current king "he said what he'd been saying for hours... burn them all" and the kings face falls in a great way as this little piece of trivia works on him and he realizes he cant talk shit because his decision was popular and this guy who's now guarding his bedchambers is a real nigga who'd have no problem mercing him too if he thought it'd benefit him and Jaime smugly asks "if there's anything else your Grace?" and gets no reply so just struts out as the king glares after him as if he's thinking "fuck, another prick to look out for" lmao what a Chad
then we cut to the Dothraki riding through what looks like a massive bamboo forrest as Dany asks her orbiter if they buy their slaves but he says they dont believe in money, fucking communists no wonder they're homeless savages, most of them were given as gifts to cities trying to appease them when they turn up but sometimes if the men are too weak, the women are too ugly or they just haven't had a good fight in a while... presumably its rape and pillaging time and when Dany sees a warrior on a horse whipping a slave she starts testing to see how much authority she has as the queen by commanding the caravan to stop presumably with the intention of maybe one day stopping their enslaving and war mongering ways but she also says she's not a queen she's a Kalesee or whatever their word for queen is as she understands she's going to have to integrate into their culture if she's going to gain any respect from them, I feel like maybe this character arc is a bit rushed, maybe she's just a strong willed person but it's not very engaging to only find out about this as she's gaining control in her arranged marriage within the second or third episode, maybe that could have been shown before hand or have her be a little bit more helpless for longer before she more gradually starts gaining the will and knowledge on how to turn her situation around, since so far it just seems like Aquaman's a retarded meathead and not much to overcome for someone seemingly as resourceful and smart as Dany and also you'd think if she was this brave and cunning she might have employed these traits before being sold off into marriage by her dipshit brother and have found a way out of that, maybe we've verging into a bit of the ol, ya know... dare I say it... Mary Sue territory here
anyway then she wanders off into the bamboo forest to finally have some alone time but then HER BROTHER RIDES OUT, grabs her throat and starts ranting and raving about how he's the king of the seven kingdoms and he doesn't take orders from savages or their sluts (pretty sure slut is not an appropriately old-timey slur but GRRM is too busy edging to his maledom fantasies to care I guess, hopefully some black characters get called the n-word at some stage)
but then without a sound for forced dramatic effect a horse riding warrior thwaps a whip around his throat and pulls him down and asks through a translater if she wants him dead and she *immediately* says no, probably because he's her best chance of getting out of there or keeping respect not out of any affection, and the warrior says arrogantly but still in this made-up language (even though everyone speaks English for some reason, why not just have these people speak actual Mongolian or something?) that she should take an ear off him to teach respect but she begs for him not to be hurt and the beta orbiter guy looks at her sympathetically and she gets the hint that these savages don't have any respect for begging for mercy so she instead says more forcefully that she doesn't want him harmed as more of an order and the warrior is confused as to why you'd show mercy to someone who just had a sword to you but lets him go and the uppity fuckboy brother orders the orbiter who I guess is his general or something to kill "these Dothraki dogs" and he just looks at the warrior who looks back at him like "what?" like he didn't even do anything wrong and her brother starts having a complete tanty at the orbiter guy for ignoring his order who them just completely ignores him like he's so obviously right her brother wont even do shit about it once he calms down and he picks up his sword in a huff and storms back to his horse but the warrior has taken its reigns and orders him to walk lmao absolutely cucked
then back at The Wall, which is a location that's very visually drab and boring and not as comfy as the nice more elaborate and renaissance ish architecture and southern European weather in Kingslanding which I much prefer spending time in, Jon is taking ye olde elevator that's powered entirely by one guy pushing a crank lmao all the way up to the top, to see his friend who kind of looks like if Kylo Ren had a kid with Jon Hamm to even out his ugliness and they look out over the back of The Wall and talks about some disturbing reports they've been having but refuses to take Jon with him because "here, a man gets what he earns, when he earns it" which I take it means he either gets respect when he shows he deserves it or he's going to get fucked up if he keeps acting arrogant because there's no privileges to hide behind in this tough barren shithole hundreds of miles away from civilization, watching this fucking show is a lot of work since everyone talks in fucking parables and you have to constantly be thinking of all the different things it applies to fugging ell
and inside Tyrion is buttering up some guy by letting him joke about how he once had to eat a bears balls to survive up here and when he asks the strangest thing he's ever eaten he gets the answer "do Dornish girls count?" I guess this is the best representation for Little People™ you could get since not only is he a well written relatively likeable character he's also a Chad who lays mad pipe too lmao but Jons friend comes in getting uppity about Tyrion thinking they're just an army of jesters to a Lannister like him and he just snaps back that they don't have enough men for an army and only Yoren here is particularly funny as if just to signal that he wont be challenged just because of his size and the dude seems to realize he's not going to be able to shove this guy around so backs off the aggression but still laments that 50% of the boys up there die for guys like him to live in luxury which Tyrion just makes a quip about to try and diffuse the situation and then starts trying to butter him up too saying how much respect he has but the guy calls him out for bullshitting him as if no amount of slick talking will distract from the facts of both their lifestyles so he changes tactics and says he respects them... but... there's no white walkers or giants or ghouls behind The Wall and the only difference between them and the Wildlings is that their ancestors happened to be on the wrong side when The Wall went up as if he's starting to play him at his own ye olde SJW game of whining about privilege when he's the one making sure a bunch of impoverished people stay trapped in a frozen tundra and the dude admits hes right but then adds that there's more than just the Wildlings out there and storms off which Tyrion laughs off as soon as he's gone as if he's letting this guy think he's asserted himself successfully to him so he wont give him any trouble but also appearing like he can take anything as a joke like the new friend he's making so he's keeping both of them on his good side when otherwise he'd probably have been punked out and looked like an asshole to both of them
then we see Dany getting her hair braided by her handmaiden who she's getting language lessons from and since this show can't go one scene without an awkward sex reference she starts groping Dany's breast and asking when she last bled and it hits her that uh oh... she's pregnant!
and then we see the orbiter guy talking to the warrior guy about how their slashing curved weapons are good for horseback attacks but they need a piercing weapon like his sword to fight the men in plate armor, as if answering my previous question about why people swing about these huge steel fuckers at each other, and he mentions how his father was a warrior too but he betrayed him and they get interrupted by the handmaiden demanding the warrior go hunt for Dany suggesting dog if he has to but the orbiter guy says she wouldn't want to eat dog lol not even the medieval people in this show are as backwards as modern day Chinese but she spills the beans that Dany is preggers and the warrior comments "a blessing from the great stallion" yeah you can say that alright heheheh but I guess that's their deity, and the orbiter says he needs to leave and makes an edgy comment before leaving that their hoard is easy to find as if to imply he's le master tactician that's always keeping battle strategies on his mind
then we see Tyrion watching Jon training with those guys who attacked him again but this time they're having fun and Jon's giving them constructive criticism they accept and they give a smile to each other as if he knows he has Tyrion to thank for manipulating them all to get along which is a nice counterpoint to all the other manipulating characters like Cersei and CIA who only hurt other people with their manipulations and he goes to talk to some old blind seeming guy who starts ranting about how Winter Is Coming™ and the commander guy lets him know about the reports they got on the White Walkers and I guess this guy wasn't blind he just likes staring off into space and he warns the Nights Watch is in shambles and cant stand up to an attack and they plead with him to get the king to send reinforcements
then back with Dany we see her laying next to Aquaman, with what looks like the indentation from a modern day underwire bra on her side lel or maybe a scar from heart surgery or something idk I'm a virgin and she starts buttering him up talking about how she knows it's a boy and making out with him
then back at The Wall Tyrion is pissing off the side of it lmao and if you look closely you can see yeah for a dude standing in the freezing cold he does have a pretty big flaccid dick for his size although I assume its not the actors real dick and he makes a comment to Jon about how "its either me or this cold, and its not leaving" to explain why he's leaving and I'm just so used to the double entendre way of speaking I thought he was trying to say his dick is usually bigger and trying to blame it on the cold rather than his own usual size or something sulis and they lament Bran being crippled before shaking hands goodbye, hopefully Jon isn't quarantined from the narrative up at The Wall for the next 7 seasons like its starting to feel like Dany is going to be
then back in Kingslanding some Bob Ross looking swarthy afro fuck appears calling Arya "boy", uh excuse me dont misgender that hunchback of notre dame girl, with a wacky ass accent to train Arya to swordfight I assume on the behest of Ned, and he says the usual retarded flowery shit about how the sword needs to be part of your arm and men are made of water or something because if you stick them they leak I guess he's accidentally right humans are like 95% water or something and Ned looks on proud that she's confident enough to get into it but then his face starts to fall as he gets some like fucking PTSD flashbacks of war and we just get the audio of men yelling and metal clanging as he remembers their lifestyle aint no fucking game and getting her into this will probably just end with her dead in a bloody battle, little does he know that she became a ridiculously OP blind ninja or some shit lmao, alright that was a pretty boring episode, nothing too edgy or violent happened it was just a bunch of scheming and elaborating on relationships more onto the next one
Game of Thrones 1x04: "Cripples, Bastards, and Broken Things"
the twin towers special edition
First aired: May 8, 2011
in a I presume flashback or maybe more likely from the lonely atmosphere a dream we see Bran following a crow into a walkway that turns to look at him to reveal it has THREE EYES that I'm sure will come into play later, then he wakes up and his edgier brother comes in and demands he come visit someone called Rob with him and he calls in fan favorite braindamaged numpty Hodor who's this big fat guy who waddles in and replies "Hodor?" and picks Bran up I already know why he says that and it's so dumb I doubt it was originally in the books it seems like something an idiot who wants to make a clever reveal on a tv show would come up with
then we see Tyrion talking to Rob who I guess is Ned's oldest son since he's in command while he's away and this must be weeks later for him to be back down home and he laments seeing Bran get carried in by this big hulking tard and starts to ask him about what happened to him and an old guy claims he cant remember anything so he asks Hodor to kneel but he doesn't respond until Bran orders him to so I guess he's totally loyal to the Stark family that he wouldn't even take a polite suggestion from a Lannister and he tries to cheer him up by saying he can still ride and tries to bond over him also being disabled before handing over a diagram for a special harness he just invented himself it seems which shows hes pretty damn smart and Rob is being a prick and asks if this is some sort of trick but Tyrion just says he "has a soft spot in my heart for cripples, bastards and broken things" which is nice even though he just assured Bran that he's not a cripple lel and Bran gives him his first smile since waking and Rob tries to play nice but Tyrion just struts out saying he'll go to a brothel instead of staying here lmao
and outside one of the brothers or cousins or whatever the fuck with the last name Greyjoy who I know a certain bad thing happens to him later comes out to suggest he sees a redhead hooker called Ros lol and Tyrion can tell he doesn't like Rob in charge so ribs him a bit on it to get him thinking they have a common rival so he'll be more open to share the real goss on what's been going on here and Greyjoy tries to lie for them but Tyrion sees is instantly and starts mocking him for being the last Greyjoy and now just a lackey and we get some history on how the Greyjoys tried to rebel against the Lannisters but their only victory was burning a bunch of their sailors alive in their ships and now Greyjoys brothers are all dead and he's his enemy's squire so I guess he's a cuckboy slave for the entire story lmao and Tyrion seems to realize he's not going to get anything from him because all he has left is being loyal to the Starks, quips about being a disappointment to his father too, tosses him a coin for his next go on Ros and promises to try not to wear her out and rides off like a pimp as Greyjoy stands there miffed he got memed on by a midget
then back at dull central The Wall we see Jon training with the lads again when this fat as fuck neckbeard new recruit waddles up sweating falling over his words and saying he's there to take the black (uniform I assume, not cock) and one of the lads quips "YEAH COME TO TAKE THE BLACK PUDDING XD" lmao fucking fat shamed, this dude looks like he'd be wearing a fedora if they were invented yet sulis, but they're in such a state that the CO will take anyone they can get and they has them spar with him and one of the lads immediately thumps him down with his sword, that I assume is some blunt training sword since it doesnt cut him, and the fatty starts whining "I wield! please no more!" pathetically lmao and the CO orders him to hit him until he finds his feet and he yelps in pain and fear as the CO calls him a squealing pig lmao and Jon steps in to help him and the CO says "looks like the bastards in love" uh excuse me it's 420AD or whatever you cant make homophobic jokes anymore so then the CO orders the other two lads to try and attack the fatty again if they can get through Jon who then kicks their ass even though they say they dont want to fight him with the last one yielding almost right away like a little bitch too, and the fatty introduces himself to Jon as Sam but both him and one of the lads admonish him for not fighting back and he just admits straight up that he's a coward and then waddles off with his ill fitting armor as the lads immediately start fighting each other over if they should even talk to him or not and Jon just looks at them like holy fuck this place is a shitshow lmao
then in some fucking Africa looking hillside the Dothraki arrive at their what passes for their capital city and the dickhead brother starts whining that it's just "a pile of mud and shit and twigs" but Dany gets offended about the way he talks about "my people" but he claims they're his people because they're his army and gets huffy that they're marching the wrong way yeah from gif files from back when they still made those I know he hasn't thought this shit through and Dany asks the orbiter guy if the Dothraki could really take whatever the fantasy UK is called that I forgot already and he says the fatass king is stupid enough to take them head on and lose but the men advising him that he used to fight alongside with are considerably smarter and Dany admonishes him for selling slaves and he blames his wife for being too expensive lmao and then he admits that she's now "in another place with another man" lmao so not only is he orbiting Dany, he was a beta bux and now a cuck, nice, got the soyboy trifecta going on there
then we see the brother taking a bath with some whore, I cant even tell if she's Dany's handmaiden who taught her how to ride dick since white people all look the same, and she's flirting with him about how they say he has dragon blood in his veins and he tells her about how when dragons used to be roaming around his ancestors rode them and their fire forged the iron throne out of their enemies fallen swords and that's why it's rightfully his and she talks about how she'd love to see one because they're so free and can burn away anyone that tries to hurt them and as she says this she drips some hot wax on his completely hairless chest much to his surprise but kinky enjoyment and this dickheads idea of flirting is saying she'd be glad to see just the sky after 12 years in a whorehouse and she effortlessly puts up with him and says shes seen loads of things like a man who can change his face like other men change their clothes, I assume shes referring to these like shapeshifting assassins or some shit I've seen in some later episode when shit gets a lot less high quality and the brother confesses hes never seen a dragon because they've all died but he tries to impress her by talking about how the iron throne room used to have huge dragon skulls on display and she takes his dick and puts it inside her as he starts listing all their wacky fantasy names because she's so turned on by dragons she needs to fuck right then and there or more likely knowing this show has an ulterior motive to be asking about access to dragon relics because she asks about where they are now but he realizes somethings going on and is like wtf did I buy you for to make him sad about how dragons are dead and his family aren't in charge anymore and she says "uh to teach your sister..." because it seems he instructed her to tell Dany how to ride dick lmao and he laughs that she thinks he did that to make Aquaman happy and tells her to just get on with it and she starts riding his dick again but now with her a lot more awkward and him less flustered as if he's not comfortable having sex with a woman who can be in control enough to please him he just wants to be able to be in control of her even if its not as pleasurable and I guess the implication here is he hired her to teach Dany how to ride dick because he's planning on having her back from Aquaman and fucking her himself or something lmao ok good stuff
then back in the iron throne room some nun woman or whatever is bigging up Sansa that her husband and maybe one day son will sit on that throne and Sansa asks what if she only has girls and the nun says then the throne would pass to Joffrey's little brother who I don't think we've even seen yet but her main concern is Joffrey doesn't like her now and the nun lady tries to distract her with her trivia lessons but Sansa realizes this is where her grandfather and uncle were murdered by the Mad King and the nun lady tells her to talk to her father about it who she still hasn't forgiven for slitting her dogs throat lmao
then we cut to Ned who looks like he's about to pass out from the stress of his life as the head of security is reporting the city is being shitted up by all the people flooding in there for the tournament they cant fund thanks to the fatass kings socialist money policies lmao and Ned orders CIA to pay for 50 more men for him to keep the peace and as the guy leaves Ned starts nervously drinking like he's about to be sick from all this bullshit and CIA and Varys start trying to convince him the tourney is actually good for the economy from all the tourists which is what people say to try to justify spending billions of tax payer money on the royal family in the real world UK too lmao and Ned just gives in and excuses them but he catches one elderly and asks about the last Kings Hand who died from illness... surprisingly fast... and this was in ye olden times where people just got sick and died for no reason so it'd probably be pretty easy to poison someone and get away with it and the old man says he came to him before he died asking for a book and tries to dissuade Ned from bothering with it maybe because he knows sniffing up the same street as the last guy might end him up with the same ate but Ned persists and it turns out to be a book about the family trees of the seven royal families of the realm and he takes a look at it and reads some long ass fucking family tree shit that is the very reason I'm never going to read the bible or finish LOTR cus this shit is boring AF and the old man admits it's "a ponderous read" lmao but Ned's still pondering if he was murdered and floats the idea that poison is a woman's weapon and the old man says "women, cravens... and eunuch... did you know lord Varys is a eunuch?" I get the impression that he's giving Varys to him because it WASN'T him, he just wants to distract Ned since he knows if Ned gets onto the real culprits they'll fucking kill him just for having this conversation
then Ned leaves with this huge book and finds Arya standing on one foot at the top of some stairs as part of her training and next up is catching cats lmao and they talk about how Bran can still have a future in power without being a warrior now he's crippled and she wants to do that shit too but not only does succession to thrones skip women but they cant even get a shitty castle architect job and he tells her she'll get to marry a high lord and rule his castle instead and its her sons that get to be knights which is a theme with Cersei that she can never have true power herself from just being born female so shes trying to live vicariously through her son but Arya isn't too keen on that and goes back to her standing on one foot training and Ned lets himself admire her for just a brief second without worrying about when reality will inevitably come crashing down ontop of her
then back at boring central The Wall we see Jon standing guard ontop of it when the fatass comes waddling up to be his new partner but admits his eyesight isnt too good and he's scared of heights lmao he'd definitely be a neckbeard in our world and Jon's like wtf is a man like you doing up here and he admits that on his 18th birthday his dad basically said you're not worthy of inheriting our land so you either join the Watch or you'll have a little hunting accident... or so I'll tell your mother, lmao I bet it turns out he's a child molester or some shit for his dad to hate him that much, and he starts greeting and gurning about how he doesn't want to fight again but Jon jokes with him that at least its impossible for him to get any worse and he laughs for the first time yep guessing something horrible will happen to him
then back in Kingslanding CIA has already heard of Ned's investigations and since it seems like he is most likely the one doing all of Jaime and Cersei's dirty black ops shit for them he starts sending Ned onto the trail of someone called Ser Hugh but he points out a little boy and warns Ned that he's one of Varys' "little birds" yeah I bet he molests them despite having no balls lis and he calls him "the spider" as of he has a web that reaches everywhere and then he points out a gardener and says he's a spy that belongs to the queen and then a septa, I guess a nun, who's reading, and Ned asks Varys or the queen? and he goes no... shes one of mine! super smugly lmao he literally is CIA and there's some well done foreboding mysterious music as CIA asks him if there's anyone he trusts above all, and he says yes, and he says "the wiser answer would be no", but then sends him to talk to Ser Hugh instead... and then an armoror because he hears he went to see him, and Ned apologizes for distrusting him but CIA says "distrusting me is the wisest thing you've done since coming off your horse" with a cocky smirk and then struts away this fucking actor sure does overdo it in everything I've seen him in and it's a bit on the nose this guy is acting super smug about how untrustworthy he is if his whole shtick is manipulating people but I guess he's just so good at it he's gotten too big an ego but I do like this them of Ned who's used to how they do it up North being very all-cards-on-the-table about everything where you just do your mans duty and carry out every decision you make by yourself so the whole world can see you're a straight shooter but in the big capital city everyone's got some proxy to hire a proxy to hire a proxy to backstab some cunt to get their way
then we see some guy working in the tournament area being constructed with the very scientific measuring method of counting his paces up and down a jousting track when one of Ned's guards comes up and calls him Ser Hugh but he just brushes him off for not being a knight like him and then later Ned's man relays this to him and he basically says hes probably a pussy who's never seen an arrow coming at him so they go to the armoror who says the previous Hand was only there to talk to his assistant who's a surprisingly blunt fellow who tells Ned the helmet hes making is for himself and isn't for sale much to his masters distress but Ned likes it and then inquires what they were talking about and he admits he was asking about his mother for some reason even though she died when he was little and Ned finds this rightfully weird and demands the boy look at him but he just looks sad to be thinking about his dead mum so he believes him and lets him go and Ned cant tell not only is has this kid got big balls to talk to the Kings Hand like that but he's doing it out of self-respect not any disrespect to him so tells the blacksmith guy if he ever wants to wield a sword instead of making them send him to him as guys with the decent kind of courage like that are rare to come by and when his man asks him whats up he says he found the current fatass kings bastard son ah I guess that's why he was looking him in the eyes to tell if he was lying but also maybe looking for a family resemblance
then we see Jaime standing guard outside the fatasses chambers when the guard comes up with a message from Ned but Jaime is busy listening intently to the king fucking whores lmao and demands the other man guess how many women he has in there and starts grumbling about how he makes him stand guard when he does this and "insults his sister" so hes mad that the king's NOT fucking his sister/lover what a cuck it seems like Jaime just has a chip on his shoulder and is eager to find a grievance with any other powerful man probably has a share of the ol daddy issues and then a whore awkwardly runs out and Ned's guard tries to get down to business but Jaime wont stop being a prick to him but he seems used to coddling the egos of powerful men so brings up that they met before at a battle and Jaime calms down from reminiscing about his past glorious fights and of some guy charging at the Greyjoys with a flaming sword and Jaime mentions that seeing, ah yes that's his name, Theon, who know lives with the Starks for some reason, was like "seeing a shark on a mountain top" I guess he did a bit of the ol war crimes or something, and then another two whores get sent out with even more heard from inside and the minion guy looks annoyed as if he can tell he's lost Jaime's co-operation now he's triggered again but tries to give him the message anyway and Jaime just snaps that he doesn't serve Stark and he walks off leaving Jaime to sit there fuming for probably no reason since I doubt the king thinks he cares that much about his loyalty to his sister since it's probably only a political marriage in the first place to the king its probably just a prank bro and doesn't know Jaime is the ye olde version of a grievance collector who thinks every little awkward thing to happen is someone out to get him for no reason and his only outlet is going about killing people in war so he'd probably be the kind of person to take a gun to work one day in the modern world
then back at boring central the other lads are teasing Jon about having to work with Sam but he admonishes them for joking about his weight and insists they don't hurt him anymore and the resident asshole behind him turns around and calls him gay again and says he'll slice him off some bacon so the solution to this is that night Jon and his two mates, who formally tried to murder him lmao, ambush the asshole guy in his sleep with a fucking albino wolf growling down at him at first I thought it was Sam they were ambushing and they were going to take him outside at night and force him to train to toughen him up so he can face up to the bullies or something but no they're just going to let him be a useless gimp until he gets someone killed and then the next day the OC guy is making the bully guy fight Sam and the bully just like super weak taps him on the shoulder obviously telegraphing it and stewing in frustration that he cant do anything to him with Jon watching but this fatass is so useless he cant even dodge it when hes not even trying and is going to get his ass eaten by a wolf or something but the CO can tell hes throwing and shoves him away and orders one of Jon's friends to spar with him and the guy lets fatty get a free shot in his arm and the CO can instantly tell whats going on and grabs Jon and starts lecturing them all about how this aint a fucking game and when they're out beyond the Wall they better have a man at their back and not some snivelling boy and storm off I feel like that could have been a way edgier speech there where he rants about Wildlings cannibilizing them and going for fatty first or some shit but he just leaves it at that
then back at the Dothraki "city" Dany's shithead brother storms into her tent dragging the handmaiden by her hair ranting about how she sent him to give him orders and this dumb thot admits in front of him while crying to Dany that she did what she asked and she has her other handmaiden taking her out and bleeding heart libcuck Dany asks why he hit her and he just starts having a tantrum fucking throwing her wedding gifts at her and insisting he wont be turned into a savage idk what he's so triggered about ah I guess it was Danny that sent the girl to ask about dragons because she took an interest in those eggs and I think it's to do with her pregnancy maybe she heard some weird myths about their family's bloodline being able to birth dragons or something and he's triggered she'd send someone to manipulate him and Dany seems to have started to genuinely respect their culture because shes defending it to him or maybe shes just trying to wind him up into laying hands on her knowing she can get him into trouble with the Dothraki or some shit and yep there we go he slaps her so hard she falls over and he starts going on about how "you are a horselords slut and now you've awoken the dragon!" lmao "woken the dragon" this guy would be a fucking weeaboo if he was alive now adays and I take it he's talking about his fucking BONER here because he gets ontop of her like hes going to rape her but it's more like he's a dumb little kid play fighting with his sister or something because she slaps him across the face with a chain and he rolls over and cringes in pain like hes such a bitchboy and Dany stands up for herself, literally, and says "I am a Khaleesi of the Dothraki! I am the wife of the great Khal and I carry his son inside me! the next time you raise a hand to me... will be the last time you have hands!" and wew laddy does Emelia overdo the facial expressions or maybe that's just how her face naturally emotes because she does it in everything lmao and the actor for her bitchboy brother does a better job of conveying what a pathetic coward he is as he looks terrified that this tiny woman has finally stood up for herself and wont let him push her around and presumably sexually abuse her anymore
then back at boring central Sam and Jon are cleaning the mess hall as he whines about the officers going to brothels while they have to be celibate and insists even though hes fat "I likes girls just as much as you do! even though they might not like me as much... I've never been with one" lmao he's ye olde incel XD and Jon actually admits that... JONS A VIRGIN TOO!!! much to Sams disbelief and he confesses that once he was alone with a young gorgeous woman, actually the local whore Ros everyone has been praising (and having a go on), (oh my fucking god I just realized that to AMERICANS this constant talk of prostitution is SUPER EDGY lmao I just completely accepted at face value that of course they talk about prostitutes it's a ye olden setting because I'm not a puritanical retard but no Americans think this shit is as boundary pushing as it gets even though it's literally legal in a lot of the first world and even in one of their own states and you're probably a megabrainlet if you don't understand prostitution will always be a fact of life since sex will always have value put on it like it literally happens in same-sex prisons with people who'd swear they were straight, monkeys do it when introduced the concept of money, fucking wild penguins do it on their own accord with rocks to build nests, you could try to stop it by killing every person on Earth and when you put the gun to the last person's head they'll still say "hey I'll suck you off if you let me live") and this cringy virgin Sam starts asking all the details saying he loves redheads and asking about her *motions to his own huge tits* but Jon explains he couldn't do it because he never met his own mother and she could have been a whore for all he knows and what if he got her pregnant then his son would just be another bastard called Snow like him and Sam breaks the tension by saying "so... you didn't know where to put it?" and they start playfighting like little kids when the CO guy walks in and is like "enjoying yourselves?" and starts grilling them about how soft they are with this fatass standing by the fire in-doors and Jon growing up with servants to keep his castle warm and starts lecturing about how he spent 6 months beyond the Wall last winter where if you just took your glove off to find your cock to have a piss a finger would freeze off and how eating the fallen horses was easy... but not once they had to start eating their own fallen... and he says if only they had a couple of boys like them along and he walks right up to Sam and goes "yeah a fat boy like you, woulda lasted a fortnight on just you" lmao there we go there was almost beat for beat the speech I was surprised he didn't give before at the training down to the cannibalism thank you edgy writers
then back with the Dothraki in this so far completely quarantined storyline Dany is shocked she struck her brother but the orbiter guy tells her hes no dragon he's just a snake but Dany still believes the bullshit that nobleman was peddling about how the common man wants him to be the true king which he calls bullshit on saying the common man prays for food and health not what games the highlords play which is true the average person doesn't give a fuck about politics as long as they can still go buy bread and only start to care when they cant even in 2019 and ok his name is Jorah I will stop calling him an orbiter says he wishes he could go home and Dany realizes that's what she wants too but she knows her brother is far too incompetent to fullfill his dreams of ending their exile by conquering the 7 kingdoms even if her husband gives him his army I guess this is only now her realizing that not only does she not want her brother to be king not only do the people not want him but he cant even actually manage it since he can't even rape her if she fights back lmao
then back in Kingslanding where all the best bits are we see king fatass looking bored and grumpy sipping from a horn on a throne next to Cersei who looks like she just read someone saying Emilia Clark was a better Sarah Connor than her Joffrey who looks like he's about to do a school shooting, the two younger kids who look bored as fuck and The Hound who's standing so rigidly he's like that meme of the feelsguy who's awkward at a party
and just wants to be at home sharpening his sword and this is overlooking the jousting tournament and Sansa smiles up at Joffrey from the stands but he just looks away in a huff and CIA comes lurking up like a snake and asks "lovers quarrel?" as he sees a new point of weakness to ingratiate himself into and he introduces himself as an old friend of the family, yeah an old friendzoned of the family, and Arya immediately blurts out like the little autist she is "why do they call you Littlefinger?" and he says it's just because when he was little he came from a place called the fingers and that was just his "extraordinarily clever nickname" as if it pisses him off people far stupider than him gave him that embarrassing title that still sticks if the story was even true that is and then the king screams START THE JOUST BEFORE I PISS ME SELF! as he's completely smashed already
and Cersei gets so fed up she just storms out and then Sansa spots a Big Guy For You riding up in a full suit of armor and asks who he is and since those are CIAs speciality he says hes Ser Gregor Clegane... THEY CALL HIM THE MOUNTAIN
and this dude opens his faceplate Iron Man style to reveal I think the first of like four actors to portray this huge 7 feet tall fucker and he bows to the king as CIA adds that he's The Hounds older brother, wonder if he was the one that burned half his face two-face style, and his opponent was the last kings hands squire or something and the king says "enough of the bloody pomp, have it him!" lmao this guy is like /tv/ that just wants non-stop fight scenes in their shows and then they go to the opposite ends and start charging at each other and The Mountain strikes at the squire but misses but on the ssecond try THE MOUNTAIN JOUSTS THE SQUIRE STRAIGHT IN THE NECK AND A SHARD OF HIS WOODEN WEAPON SPLINTERS INTO HIS THROAT
much to everyone in the crowds shock and as the dude lays there bleeding out Sansa and Arya react with shock and CIA tries to contain his joy for seeing dumber men kill each other and regales Sans with the tail of The Hound and The Mountain about how when he was just a pup his older brother was already a big lad (FOR YOU!!!!)already with a bit of a reputation, and one night Gregor caught him playing with one of his own toy knight so wordlessly HE HELD HIS LITTLE BROTHERS FACE INTO THE FIRE PLACE ok that's going to have to be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 8 from me dog holy shit and we see The Hound watching The Mountain gallop off as if he's simply used to seeing his brother kill and CIA warns Sansa not to spread that story or The Hound would come after her ah so this is why the obnoxious fanbase is obsessed with seeing these two fight
then we see Ned getting a visit from Cersei in his office to try to smooth things over with him but he's not buying it and asks what she's really there for and she asks him the same and he claims he's just there to help the king run the kingdom but she warns him he never fucking listens and you just have to clean up after him and he says so that's what he'll do and she seems amazed to realize he truly does not have any ulterior motive for his own power grabs or anything he's simply a soldier and then she pricks at him a little saying his older brother was the one trained to lead and he was trained just to follow and he fires back "I was also trained to kill my enemies.... your grace" lmao cheeky cunt and she just whispers "as was I" and walks out, edgy, I like it, and then Ned looks back down to the desk where if you were paying attention like I was since I'm good at watching tv shows is where that book was he's been researching as if he already has a feeling it might lead to her
then in a inn where the neckbeard pigtails guy and Cat are at they are bothered by a travelling musician seemingly trying to charm some money out of them and the beardy guy tries to get rid of them but then the door opens and Tyrion and some men arrives waving coins around to be able to take someones room from them and this obnoxious busking prick offers a song he turns down and then clocks Cat and outs her identity in front of the whole tavern, I'm not sure why possibly just to assert his control over her since it's getting a bit obvious their families might come into conflict soon, much to everyone's shock since it seems there's been some drama down south and she might not be safe there but being the strong woman she is she immediately stands up and starts identifying everyone in there and their family and how they're still "true and honest", a turn of phrase used by Chris Chan lmao, friends to her family and she's got Tyrion puzzled as to her play here and she just goes on showing she knows every honerable family down south and brings up a man who has the sigil of THE TWIN TOWERS of Frey lmao hopefully these people don't invent planes anytime soon and once she's confirmed she has everyone's respect she striaght up accuses Tyrion of conspiring to murder her boy of only 10 and then calls upon them to arrest him and Tyrion looks around like they're not actually going to... but then EVERY ARMED MAN IN THE BAR DRAWS THEIR SWORD ON THE LITTLE MANLET uh oh spaghettios well that episode was more of the same of last episode where not much edge happened although it flowed a lot nicer and did a good job of introducing us to new characters and their machinations
Game of Thrones 1x05: "The Wolf and the Lion"
ur mum m8 special edition
First aired: May 15, 2011
first we get a real nice shot of a castle that I can't recognize yet but I guess we're still at Kingslanding
and we see Ned toddling down to the tournament grounds that are getting cleaned up by some serfs and he goes to see the corpse of Ser Hugh and oh I didn't even realize that was the same guy lmao ok this show is too deep for me so I guess we can assume that CIA, presumably on behalf of Cersei, got The Mountain to kill him on purpose and make it look like just an unlucky jousting accident so Ned couldn't question him, although why put him onto him anyway if he was just going to kill him, I guess to make him look helpful and also set someone else up as trying to cover this up, maybe he even got the old man to float the idea that it was Varys or whatever his name is because that's who he's intending to frame because he's the only other believable spymaster guy who'd do shit like this and his biggest rival for most dodgy cunt in Kingslanding, anyway Ned is asking if Ser Hugh had a family but the guys stitching his corpse up say nah and then he notices he had new armor he'd never used before and the general guy says he's unlucky he drew straws to face The Mountain and Ned's like "yeah, but who holds the straws?" which is actually good metaphorical dialog because that sounds like a real thing someone would really say to cut to the chase of did someone literally holding the straws rig the draw but it also works as a metaphor for the rest of the show and live in general, e.g. you might think you're playing a fair game of random chance but then you're like oh yeah who set up this game the casino that I'm in that makes loads of money from retards like me never mind then or in his own personal case certain seemingly random things that are happening here and in his own life might not be so random afterall and he just needs to figure out who could cause them, and as they walk off the general guy namedrops tumblr's favorite game Life is Strange™ and Ned gives him probably the only genuine compliment we've heard so far that it is like how they used to be enemies in a war and he's glad he never had to fight him and the general guy brings up his respect for his father and how fucked up it was what the Mad King did to him but Ned gets uncomfortable and immediately changes the topic to the dead kids expensive armor and he suggests the last Kings Hand left him some money but I'm thinking it was probably set up by CIA to make sure he'd want to joust and he'd get the perfect seemingly accidental death in front of the whole city then the general guy brings up that the fatty king wants to joust and Ned's like oh fuckin ell m8
then we see the Lannister cousin trying to stap his obese master into some armor but it wont strap on and the king just says right in his face YOUR MOTHER WAS A WHORE WITH A FAT ARSE, DID YOU KNOW THAT? and when Ned comes in he stats admonishing his servant saying HES GOT ONE BALL AND NO BRAINS! but Ned just straight up says YOU'RE TOO FAT FOR YOUR ARMOR! and there's a great subtle reaction from the guy playing the servant where even though it's a wide shot and he's to the side he still gets this big shocked expression on his face like he's never heard anyone speak to his king like that and is expecting him to get beheaded or some shit and he looks in trepidation to the king to see how triggered he'll get and hes like FAT? FAT IS IT? IS THAT HOW YOU SPEAK TO YOUR KING? and Ned just tries to hide his smirk and the king laughs at some ribbing between two old friends but as soon as the servant laughs with them in relief the king turns to him and is like "oh... its funny is it?" and he automatically says "no your grace" and looks scared but then the kings like "no? you don't like the Hands joke?!" and he just stands there like a robot encountering a logical paradox like his mind is bluescreening
but Ned tells him to stop torturing the poor boy and the king snaps at him to go get the breastplate stretcher to send him running off and as soon as hes gone the king starts laughing again and Ned's like "the breastplate stretcher?" and the kings like "how long before he figures it out?" yeah I was wondering about that I guess this is his version of the prank they play in the Navy where they send new recruits to get non-existent things like white ink for the printer or some shit and I guess this is to establish that the king isn't actually a vindictive person who'd do anything to this kid he's just got an asshole sense of humor and he just likes busting his balls, or ball, like Hitler, and Ned joshes him that he needs to actually invent a breastplate stretcher and then tries to talk him out of going jousting by stating that no one would risk actually giving him a fair fight as if to make him think it wont be any fun and even though he rarely manipulates someone it seems to be working as the king sits down in a huff and orders Ned to drink wine even though he turns him down initially as if he's trying to get him into bed or something and then he drops some tidbits about how his squire is an idiot but Cersei insisted, presumably because he's loyal to his cousins and will inform them of any conversations the king has behind their backs, and it was the last Kings Hand that insisted on marrying Cersei so they could have his father on their side, which makes me think they manipulated him into that and once he'd served his purpose he either knew too much or was trying to shake them down or had caught onto their shenanigans so they had him poisoned, and the king laments he used to think being king meant he could do whatever he wanted since he presumably didn't want to marry such a sour-faced bitch or probably anyone at all so he can just keep whoring indefinitely, and then the king just goes to walk out to the tournament with his massive belly hanging out and when Ned stops him he laughs saying he should just go out like that and yell BOW YA SHITS! which I've seen in memes before and Ned gives him a forced chuckle while looking awkward as if he's realizing actually yeah this guys got some fucking Trump shit going on where he's just some hedonistic fat manchild well past his prime that's open season for anyone with a functioning brain to manipulate
then at another joust everyone is in the same positions they were yesterday as The Mountain rides up again and opens his faceplate and Sansa spots "The Knight of the Flowers" ride up who is this young but super cute boy band looking kid with shiny decorated armor holding a rose and he gives it to her with a cheeky smirk and some dude in the audience who has a broach with a stag on it, I'm not sure who's sigil that is yet, I know so far the Starks have the wolf, the Lannisters have the lion and Dany's family has the dragon, I'm pretty sure the Greyjoys are all fucking dead other than Theon so I'm not sure, reminder this sigil animal thing is a real thing in Scottish history, my family has it's own clan sigil, animal and motto that we've had for literally over a thousand years, I can't share it for doxxing reasons but I just want to rub that into Americans who's family history goes back about 50 years to literally "like... I think my grandma was half Irish or something? and my dad was from Puerto Rico but he never talked about his family" wow interesting stuff you culture starved subhumans meanwhile I can literally go to the castle my ancestors ruled from and read legends about their magic powers and shit and see portraits of my great^100 grandmother (she was fucking fit tbqh I want to go back in time and become my own great^100 grandfather)
well he gives him a conspiring nod and the pretty boy just nods to him and rides up to The Mountain who intimidatingly lets his horse snarl at his and the pretty boy just turns grimaces and bears it and then they ride off to their poisons and Sansa begs her dad not to let The Mountain hurt him and CIA turns to the man with the stag broach and bets 100 gold dragons on The Mountain and the man accepts hmmmmm makes me ponder if CIA paid the pretty boy to throw the match or something and CIA starts bragging about what he could buy with that and the man just says "maybe you could buy a friend" and CIA just gives him a huge shiteating smile pretentious literally like the pretentious PUA twat who wants everyone to think he's a master manipulator but actually has no mates and orbits one girl for years
and then the horn blows to signal them to charge aaaaaaaaaand OH SHIT the pretty boy rams his joust right into The Mountains shield shattering it but sending The Mountain off his horse and smashing him through the fence, The Hound allows himself a like 1% smile at seeing his abusive brother trumped and the stag broach guy laughs and mocks Littlefinger who just asks him "and when will you be having... your friend?" maybe indicating that they are gay lovers or something and is threatening him that he knows so he better not call in that debt and he sits down with a big shit eating smile again and then tells Sansa that the pretty boy knew The Mountains horse was in heat and I guess that's why he let his horse grunt in his horses face because he knew letting it get all horny would throw it off or something and The Mountain tears off his helmet and screams for an assistant to bring him his sword and as this pretty boy is prancing in front of the crowd it seems like he might be getting stabbed in the back or some shit but actually THE MOUNTAIN BEHEADS HIS OWN HORSE WEW LAD EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 9
BUT OH FUCK HES NOT DONE YET AND ATTACKS THE GAY ROSE KID KNOCKING HIM OFF HIS HORSE AND STARTS SMASHING HIS HUGE SWORD DOWN ONTO HIS SHIELD AS HE COWERS ON THE GROUND BUT... THE HOUND JUMPS DOWN AND BLOCKS HIS SWORD WITH HIS OWN!!!
AND THE MOUNTAIN IS LIKE N-NANI?!?! AND THEY START SWORD FIGHTING IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!!! AND THE CROWDS LIKE HOLY SHIT THEY FINNA BOUTA KILL EACH OTHER!!!
BUT THE KING STANDS UP AND ORDERS THEM TO STOP THIS MADNESS IN THE NAME OF YOUR KING! AND THE HOUND IMMEDIATELY PLANTS HIS SWORD IN THE GROUND AND SINKS TO HIS KNEES BOWING AS THE MOUNTAIN WAS JUST SWINGING HIS SWORD AT HIM WHICH FLIES OVER HIS HEAD AND HE THROWS HIS SWORD AWAY IN A RAGE AND STOMPS OFF FUMING
and some guards stand there with wide eyed terror that they're going to have to try to arrest this massive psycho but the king yells for them to let him go and they rush out of his way like pussies and during all that Joffrey got so hyped he stood up to get a better look and sits down in disappointment it didn't end in bloodshed and the pretty boy goes to The Hound and says he owes him his life Ser, which I guess is how they spell Sir in the subtitles and is not someones name, but The Hound just grumbles I'm not Ser but the pretty boy holds The Hounds hand up as if he's the real victor for showing how brave and heroic he is and the whole crowd gives him a long applaud and Sansa stands up to cheer for him and The Hound just looks around super awkward as if he's got too low self-esteem to accept any praise ok now I get why fans want to see them fight because this is some straight ap dank anime family rivalry shit but if I know my GoT so far I'm sure it'll never happen and The Hound will just die from a random arrow from some random mook or some shit and never get to complete his heroes journey
and then we see Tyrion in the wilderness with a sack over his head and tied in ropes being held captive by Cat and her new friends and that annoying travelling musician bard guy is playing his banjo or whatever and literally improvising a song about "the captive imp, downards from his horse did limp, no more would he preen and primp" like oh shit THIS DUDE JUST INVENTED FREESTYLE RAPPING LMAO
and then Tyrion clocks that Cat announced that they were taking him to Kingslanding to mislead any search parties and then starts trying to sow a bit of discontent with her band by suggesting that there's probably already a big reward for his rescue and the bard eyes him shiftily as if he's considering it and he tries to reason for them to untie him by appearing harmless and saying if he tried to run a shadowcat would eat him, sorry mate she's gay (reference to ellen page playing kitty pride aka shadowat in the x-men movies sorry if that was too deep for you) then he realizes she's taking him to see her sister and tries to sow some doubt in her about her sisters mental fitness, acts emotional that he's accused of going after Bran and then reasons that only an impicile would arm an assassin with his own blade and as he seems to be starting to get to Cat the neckbeard guy suggests they gag him as if he's got an anti-Lannister position himself but speaking of random arrows out of nowhere A RANDOM ARROW OUT OF NOWHERE SUDDENLY HITS THE BARD, A ROCK IS FIRED FROM A SLING INTO A DUDES HEAD AND A BAND OF MEN WAVING AXES RUSHES UP AND FIGHT CATS MEN AND HER BODYGUARD STARTS DOING SOME DANK ASS SHIT WHERE HE PUTS HIS SWORD TO A GUYS THROAT AND KICKS HIM DOWN SO HIS NECK GETS SLIT AS HE FALLS ACROSS IT
RAMS ANOTHER GUY THROUGH AND CHOKE SLAMS ANOTHER ON THE GROUND AND PLANTS HIS SWORD INTO HIS CHEST THIS DUDE GOING HAM AND TYRION SEES CAT TAKE OUT A DAGGER AND TALKS HER INTO UNTYING HIM SINCE HES NO GOOD TO HER DEAD AND THIS LITTLE MANLET GRABS A SHIELD TO PROTECT HIMSELF FROM INCOMING ROCKS AND ONE OF THE BAD GUYS KILLS SOMEONE RIGHT IN FRONT OF CAT AND GOES FOR HER NEXT BUT TYRION KNOCKS HIM DOWN WITH THE SHIELD AND STARTS BLUDGEONING HIS SKULL IN WITH IT HOLY SHIT
AND WE SEE EVEN THE NECKBEARD TAKING A SLASH TO THE BACK BUT THEN KILLING THE GUY
AND THE BODYGUARD SLITTING A DUDES THROAT
AS TYRION KEEPS CAVING THE GUYS HEAD IN HELL YEAH DUDE
ok pretty sure a three feet tall dude could not generate enough force to down a guy with a wooden shield by just whacking him with it but ok and it seems like the the three of them are the only ones left, fucking sucks to be all the random guys who came along and that bard who wasn't even armed with anything other than a guitar thing, and the bodyguard guy asks Tyrion if that was his first kill and he nods and he says he "needs a woman, nothing like a woman after a fight!" with a grin on his face as Tyrion looks like he's in shock but realizes he can get this guy on his side if he plays it like he's a badass too and just looks at Cat and says "well I'm willing if she is" much to the bodyguards amusement so I'm guessing those guys were just some bandits who kill and rob people on the road since they were flinging rocks at the not very easy to confuse for someone else Tyrion which they wouldn't do if they were there for his rescue bounty but maybe they were hired by CIA to kill em all so Cats investigation cant go any further and people will assume the secrets of the plot died with Tyrion and oh wait no there's 2 or 3 other guys who survived on their side ok good for them
then we see Bran at a table with a teacher and hes distracted watching I think Theon doing archery practice like he used to enjoy so much but the teacher brings his attention back to his geography studies and he regurgitates that the Iron Islands Sigil is the kraken which we haven't seen before I don't think that a pretty cool sigil and so is a dragon and at least wolves and lions can kill people a stag sigil is pretty dandy yo, and apparently that is where the Greyjoys... used to come from, and Theon boasts they're known for their skills in archery, navigation and lovemaking and the teacher adds "and failed rebellions" lmao #rekt and then Bran talks about how a certain family he doesn't say have the stag sigil and it has a crown now that Robert is king and he names them the Baratheons which idk if we've heard before and he gives their motto that's "ours is the fury" idk stags are not very furious I bet Americans see this shit and think this is all original world building when it's just find & replacing shit from UK history lmao and then he talks about how the Lannister motto is "a Lannister always pays his debts" which we just heard Tyrion say but that's actually not their official motto and Bran gets fussy and starts naming other houses mottos like the house Martell, house Hornwood, house Tully which is his mothers and the teacher realizes whats wrong and assures him she had to leave to protect them and he reveals he was actually the one who delivered Bran and assures him she'll love him until her death awww but Bran's not having any of it and is still depressed he's paralysed but the teacher tells him he could learn to shoot from horseback if the manlets saddle works, not sure why he couldn't still shoot from just sitting in a chair sideways but ok
then we cut from that to finally seeing the infamous Ros getting slammed from behind by Theon who's smuggled her into the castle and after he nuts we literally see her tits, minge and his semi-flaccid dick lmao I'm tempted to call this edgy but its only edgy to Americans and I've started to notice some counter-edge here where they love getting tits and cock out for no reason but they place it in the scene at the start or end in such a way where it can be easily edited out for rebroadcast on other TV stations if I worked at HBO I'd just have a spinning cock gif playing in the corner at all times so it was exclusive to our channel and no one else could get it so our subscriptions would go up and she boasts that he's not the only nobleman in her life and he gets insecure that Tyrion's had her too and says he's not worried since anyone with a few coppers can have her and she just keeps smiling as if she's had way worse dickheads say way worse things to her and he asks what a dwarf is like down below and she teases him he might be surprised and that he's good with his fingers and tongue too and Theon insists he's a Greyjoy and no one can look down on him and Ros takes the bants a bit too far and jokes about him being the Starks ward and he grabs her by their hair and growls about how heroic his father was and is like "what did your father do? fucked a cook and whelped a whore?" but Ros has had it all before and says he's an awfully serious boy.... with a serious cock! and grabs his benis that's unfortunately hidden behind a candle so the actors didn't have to actually have a wank session and he says he doesn't want to pay for it anymore so she just says "then find yourself a wife" and he struts off as if he needed to just sooth his own ego rather than be such a dickhead he'd rape her
then back in Kingslanding we see Arya chasing a cat as part of her training which would actually be pretty easy if it wasn't like trained to escape or some shit she could probably just come up and start petting it or give it food or something but maybe it is a special training aid cat Varys and Ned are discussing Bran's predicament and he assures him that even though he suffered an early mutilation himself doors closed but unexpected ones opened I presume he means things like being trusted to be female royalties close confidants and things like that ok wait his name is Varys jesus why do people have these wacky made up names and then you get someone just called Robert and then the camera zooms in on Varys as the music gets dramatic as he warns Ned that the king is a complete fool, the queens not the only one keeping tabs on him, the two of them are some of the few honerable men in this city and he warns him there's a special tasteless traceless poison that was probably given to the last Kings Hand and the king is probably going to be next but he doesn't know by whom, I assume he probably does, if it wasn't him, but he wants Ned to get there organically, if he just says "yeah it was CIA" he knows Ned already trusts him and he knows CIA would just talk him into thinking Varys is obviously the killer if he'd make a false accusation like that, and Varys floats that it might have been Ser Hugh that gave him the poison as he was his most trusted friend he'd let his guard down around, literally I guess, and Ned demands to know why anyone would want to kill a peaceful man like the last Hand and Varys warns "...he started asking questions" uh oh
then we see Arya chasing the cat down into a dungeon and finding the giant dragon skulls Dany's prat brother was talking about and she hides she overhears two men gossiping about how Ned is onto the truth of who went after his son and soon "the wolf and the lion will soon be at each others throats" and one of them suggests just killing Ned but the man is revealed to be Varys who implies it's too risky and the other man I think is maybe the guy who was housing Dany and her brother? idk my autistic face blindness is getting me here, and he says they need more time since Aquaman wont make his move until his son is born so if that is the same guy I guess that's why he was winding Dany's brother up to try and get the Dothraki army to kick off in ah yes that's it Westeros now this is a bit too early to reveal it was Varys who killed the last Hand and they talk ambiguously enough that they could be talking about Ned being onto someone else's trail, in fact he mentions "the fools tried to kill his son", so it probably is the Lannisters, so it seems like maybe CIA is the one who had the last Hand killed because he works for them and the king is next so Joffrey can be the new king and maybe Varys counter plan to this is to have his friend here help add an outside threat to the mix, since the guy mentions "what good is war now? we're not ready" as if it's just that it's too soon, with the plan being the Dothraki attacking Westeros so Cersei cant risk doing a coup in a time of such great dangerous war since people might not want to follow a sociopathic 13 year old into battle, fail to unite and it might end up with no Westeros left for her to control or something like that, or maybe they actually want the Dothraki to win because Dany's brother is an arrogant retard who's easy for them to manipulate, but he seems so incompetent he don't figure he'll manage to actually successfully do a take-over, so it might just be a diversion to buy more time to take out the Lannisters one by one or something, I guess this is also why she has such a creepy relationship with Joffrey since she wants to make sure he's loyal to the Lannisters and not his fathers family so she can control the kingdoms from behind him rather than his fathers family influencing him, although the kid definitely has the famous Lannister blond hair and blue eyes so maybe he's not even the kings actual biological son, maybe Jaime is lmao, and that explains why he's so fucked in the head, he's literally retarded from inbreeding lmmfao, anyway this is some very well done palace intrigue shit, I love shit like this, where there's two parties having a battle of wits, it's dank when it's a face to face thing like in Death Note but also dank when there's loads of build up to the two parties actually fucking with each other face to face and battling each other through several payers of proxies and schemes at first like the Ben and Widmore rivalry on Lost which was one of the coolest parts of that extreme kino, anyway Varys or whatever his name is says "delay you say, move faster I say, this is no longer a game for two players" and he replies "it never was" ah, truly we are playing a Game of Thrones™ and then we see Arya run out but unfortunately Varys locked the door as they were coming in so she has to leave the way they left
then speaking of more than two players we see CIA staring longingly at the Iron Throne which we haven't actually seen anyone sit in yet as Varys almost hovers in he walks so lightly and CIA, not startled, comments on how quietly he moves and then taunts him that he seems lonely so he should pay a visit to one of his brothels "first boy is on the house" top fucking kek at 1) him calling him a gay pedo and 2) him pimping boys to gay pedos I'd call that edgy but I guess it isn't confirmed he means little kids and maybe being gay is acceptable in Westeros who knows maybe they're more woke than some of us on that and Varys assures him "you're mistaking business with pleasure" trying to argue he only hangs around with little boys to use as spies and CIA swaggers up saying "those birds that whisper in your ear - such pretty little things" and purposefully creepily puts his hand on Varys shoulder but Varys just endures it unaffected and comments that it's actually someone called Lord Redwyne who likes his boys very young or so he hears as if he's trying to turn the pedo card back on CIA by pointing out he's the one pimping kids, ok that's edgy but it'll be over the edgy mark when they actually show it which I'm sure they will at some stage, and then he brings up that someone called Ser Marlon of Tumblrstone prefers amputees, ok edgyness increasing dramatically, and CIA starts to get a bit short tempered now that Varys is showing off how many of his secrets hes managed to get ahold of but brushes it off with "all desires are valid to a man with a full purse" yes don't kink shame please and oh dear does the edgy keep going Varys mentions an awful rumor he heard about a certain lord with A TASTE FOR FRESH CADAVERS and wonders how you would find beautiful corpses before they rot just to let CIA know he can accuse him of murders whenever he wants and CIA just smirks and says "strictly speaking such matters would not be in accordance to the kings laws" as if they don't apply to him because he has such good favor with the king and Varys growls "strictly speaking" back at him before strutting off and CIA is glad he's managed to get under such an unflappable mans skin and keeps pushing and asks "tell me, does someone somewhere keep your balls in a little box?" with a cheeky grin
and Varys just brushes it off with a joke about how he has no idea even though they used to be... so close, and Varys asks how hes been since he last saw him, and CIA taunts him or the last time he saw him as if he's fucking spying on him taking a shit or something without him knowing and Varys says last he saw he was talking to the Hand, and CIA asks "with your own eyes?" and Varys does some Joss Whedon style word play and states "eyes I own" and CIA hisses "counsel buisnesssss" and Varys points out that everyone knows he beta orbits Cat so if anyone were to discover that he helped the Starks accuse the Lannisters... maybe perhaps the queen... and CIA just says "one shudders at the thought" as if he fucking dares him to try and have him killed and then some dramatic music kicks in as CIA reveals he's seen him more recently than the other way around and saw that HE was talking to Ned too and Varys just quips "ah was that you under the bed?" lmao stole my meme and then CIA drops that he also saw him escorting a certain..... foreign dignity from across the sea and when Varys realizes he's been rumbled in that regard his face suddenly falls and he looks down shook, which I think might be a ruse that he's just letting CIA think he has him by the non-existent balls (would be a dank meme if the way to defeat Varys was to find his balls in a jar and threaten to crush them like the way to control Davey Jones in the POTC movies is to get his heart in a jar and threaten to stab it lmao) and I guess that dude was the rich dude who was winding up Dany's brother heh me smart and apparently Varys is from across the narrow sea too and CIA start rubbing it in that it'd burden him to worry about the king questioning his dear friends sympathies which puts him at a crossroads of turning left to be loyal to his "friend" right to be loyal to his kingdom, wow this really is like a Telltale game, all the way down to the railroaded decisions since we know which one he's really going to pick lmao, really cool dynamic between them there where they're at a stalemate where they could each have the other one killed by grassing their current machinations up to either the king of queen... but cant do either since the other one could do the same thing, and its not like whoever taddles first wins, its mutually assured destruction since the other could grass the other up as they're being taken to be executed and have him getting beheaded right next to him, and just like Varys said to him before about "just a simple word to the queen..." he taunts "just a simple word to the king..." as they glare at each other like one inch apart and suddenly the door opens and the other dude walks in and is like WHAT ARE YOU TWO CONSPIRING ABOUT? WELL YOU BETTER HURRY UP hahahahaha
because his brother is coming and Varys gets the last word in taunting CIA "disturbing news from far away... hadn't you heard?" just to rub in that he'll always have more intel than him, it seems like Varys speciality is the technicalities of spycraft, the ins and outs of placing spies everywhere so he has the most information, and CIA is more about straight up black ops shit where he'll just send killers after whoever he needs to, and interestingly CIAs weakness is that he's motivated by his lust for Lady Stark, a bias that doesn't afflict Varys unless he is actually a gay pedo lmao, which no offence to eunuchs but I could see happening with some Michael Jackson shit where he's stunted in the development of a boy so is only comfortable being intimate with children also idk what they're going for here but I feel like Varys perfectly bald head and thin eyebrows is maybe a hint to his condition as if he's suffered hair loss although I am pretty sure its high T levels that make you go bald faster, if you're going to have hairloss, but maybe he has no bodyhair so he shaves his head to match it or something, and whoever the actor for him is does a good job of having like subtly foppish mannerisms and body language as if he's got a very placid mentality from never having much testosterone in his body as opposed to the more lascivious seeming literally pimping thirsty orbiter CIA good shit
ten we see a dirty Arya finding herself walking out from the catacombs onto a seaside with some fishermen working and walking back into the city but the guards tell her beggars aren't welcome and she'll get a smack on the head to help her hearing if she doesn't clear off lmao and she insists she lives there and wants to speak to her father but the other guard laughs and says "and I want to fuck the queen for all the good it does me" and the other one misgenders Arya saying "you want your father boy? hes on the floor of a tavern, getting pissed on by his friends!" lmao and Arya declares "my father is Hand of the King, I'm not a boy, I'm Arya Stark of Winterell, and if you lay a hand on me my father will have both your heads on spikes, now are you going to let me by or am I going to have to smack YOUR head to help YOUR hearing?" and she says it so confidently the two guards look at each other like wait is she for real oh shit
and then we cut to her in her fathers office lmao funny scene and as Ned's about to admonish her she blurts out what she overheard but she can only describe one of the conspirers as fat lmao thankfully this is not modern day America because that actually does narrow it down in this universe and Ned starts to believe her the more she explains but then someone from the Nigths Guard arrives and introduces himself as Yoren to Ned and his son lmao and Arya yelps IM A GIRL! top fucking kek I'm not sure you could have this running joke in 2019 this is the ancient times of 2011 afterall it truly was a different time and he's there to ask for more recruits but also builds up like a mad cunt something else he has to say that's "better said in private" so Ned kisses Arya and sends the guard to take her to his room and Arya wants to stay but the guard ushers her off and she asks the guard how many guards he has, and he says "here in the city? 50", and she makes sure he wouldn't let anyone kill her father and he says not to worry little lady, since she saw Ned's pause before sending them away as if he's thinking twice about who he's alone in a room with now, ah the good old days where you could basically kill whoever you wanted as long as you had an alibi and no witnesses, no having to worry about DNA and CCTV and all that shit, and in his office this guy lets him know about Cat kidnapping Tyrion and he looks down like oh fuck what now
then on the road we see Cat's crew being confronted by some well armored soldiers sent from her sister but the lead soldier thinks its suspicious she came so quickly and Tyrion isn't tied up but takes her anyway as if they would force them if they wouldn't come and Tyrion comments the fortress they're going to is supposedly impregnable but the bodyguard guy boasts "give me ten good men and some climbing spikes... I'll impregnate the bitch" and Tyrion looks at him as if trying to tell if he actually doesn't know what impregnable means and quips "I like you" since either way he's definitely a confident guy and then we pan around to see this really cool looking castle carved into a mountain with a winding path coming down along a bridge that looks like it was carved out of a hillside that looks like a really cool old matte painting or something and not shitty modern CGI since special effects have somehow gotten worse in the last like 50 years
then back at Kingslanding where thank fuck we have mostly been all episode because this is where the coolest shit happens stay the fuck away The Wall and the Dothraki storytlines please Ned is summoned to the small counsel by the king and Ned gets shook and asks if it's about his wife but the messenger says "I believe it concerns Daenerys Targayen" and we cut immediately to the king growling THE WHOOOOOOOORE IS PREGNANT hahahahaha and Ned asks "you're speaking of murdering a child?" and the king says he warned him about being a pussy before and says it straight up he wants her, her baby and the brother dead as CIA and Varys sit there completely poker faced and Ned tries to talk him out of it because he's such a moralfag saying he'll dishoner himself forever if he does this and the king just yells "honor? I've got seven kingdoms to run! one king! seven kingdoms! its fear that keeps them in line!" and Ned accuses him of being no better than the Mad King and Rob gets triggered and warns him careful Ned! and Ned questions Varys intel that he reveals is from Ser Jorah Mormont, aka the beta orbiter guy (interesting that he just comes out and says this twist and it's not telegraphed by any intense music anything, its easy to miss but I appreciate the very sparse used of a score, usually it just lets the scene or even action play out as if you're just being shown a documentation of it or something without any dramatic music or camera work, I've only noticed a score starting up at the tailend of conversations when shits getting super mysterious) and Ned says the word of a traitor half a world away isn't fact and Varys seems hurt that Ned doesn't respect his intel like everyone else there does but shockingly enough CIA actually defends him saying Jorah's actually just a slaver not a traitor, I suppose he'd obviously, if he is the killer, want Varys plan, if that is his plan, of bringing Aquaman over to fail, but its odd Varys is helping them assassinate Dany, maybe I'm on the wrong trail and this isn't whats going on, but maybe he figures if Dany and their unborn son are killed by Westeros agents Aquaman will go apeshit and be even more motivated to come over here waging war and Ned insists "he broke the law, betrayed his family and fled our land" and Rob bellows that its not worth the risk to have a Targaryen at the head of a Dothraki army and Varys suspiciously flicks his eyes between them as Ned says "I'll fear the Dothraki when they teach their horses to run on water" lel and Rob is like "do nothing? that's your wise advice?" and he snaps "you're my counsel! council! speak sense to this honerable fool!" and Verys probably put-on nervously tries to talk Ned into doing this admittedly nasty shit for the greater good of the realm because if she has a son the realm will bleed and the oldass man who tried to give up Varys before says its wiser and actually kinder to have her die now so tens of thousands might live and the youngest guy there just impetuously says "we should have had them killed years ago" and CIA offers the amazing idiom "when you find yourself in bed with an ugly woman you best just close your eyes and get it over with" and Varys closes his eyes in distaste at how vulgar CIA is at a royal counsel, as if taking his advice and wishing this was over with lol, and CIA doesn't help the matters by adding "cut her throat, be done with it" I hope he means Dany and not when you find yourself in bed with an ugly woman lmao
and then casually sips his drink like it's nothing to him and Ned struts up confidently as the camera zooms in on him and tells Rob with iron clad will "I followed you into war - twice - without doubts, without second thoughts - but I will NOT follow you now, the Robert I grew up with didn't tremble at the shadow of an unborn child" very interesting touch that he's trying to play on Rob's self image as a badass warrior again like how he successfully manipulated him out of jousting by framing it as too easy and now he's framing yeeting that feetus as a cowardly act but unfortunately Rob knows deep down he aint no badass warrior no more and is going for the easy option of "she dies" he growls and Ned says he'll have no part in it and Rob threatens to fire him so Ned just takes off the broach of the kings Hand that was given to him when he arrived for the position and drops it down on the table as if this is the ye olde version of the handing in your badge to the chief trope and Ned just wishes good luck to the next man and says he thought Rob was a better man and Rob gets triggered and growls for him to run back to Winterell and starts ranting about how he'll kill him himself and that he thinks hes too honerable for war pretty big ballsy decision there from Ned and quite surprising you'd think a guy who's fought in war, been a Lord and made all sorts of hard decisions over politics and even personally executed a guy who one could argue wasn't deserting if he, you know, ran back to his fucking king to tell him something would not have such a strict stance on killing just one innocent person (fetuses arnt people you dumb christfags) but I'm guessing since this is Sean Bean we're watching here this wont end very well for Ned and this is to just go to show that the one guy out of the 100s of characters on this show to actually have some principals and NOT let them bend ends up fucking dead with nothing to show for it all because he wouldn't bow to the great god of consequentialism I mean that's similar to my outlook but also if I was in his position if I'm living in a world where yeah everyone does this shit to everyone else you're kind of just asking for it to be done to you but also if you live by the sword you die by the sword e.g. this assassination could be what actually sparks the war to definitely happen or they send someone to assassinate Rob I guess the only winning move... is not to play, like Rob himself has been whining about being king, while alluring when you're not king, is actually fucking shit and stressful, he'd ironically be happier just being some ordinary guy with an ordinary family, really makes ya think
anyway then Ned is rushing to pack up his thing and orders his bodyguard guy to leave with his daughters already because he's got the king, the queen and a murderer all mad at him so he should really not be hanging around and then CIA swaggers in and lets him know the king was using the word treason after he left and then temps him that if he stays here until night fall he'll take him to speak to the last person the last Hand spoke to before falling ill... uh oh... sound like a veiled death threat, but Ned says he has no time and CIA says "it'll only take an hour, but as you wish" and leaves knowing how principled Ned is that he wont let an assassin go free if he's this close so Ned orders his guard to get all the men guarding his daughters but send his best two swords to meet him
and then in this impenetrable fortress on a big fancy sculpted stage on a big fancy sculpted throne Cats sister is dressing her down for bringing Tyrion into her home without her permission as SHE BREASTFEEDS HER LIKE 10 YEAR OLD SON, OK, THERE WE GO EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 10
thankfully for this boys future sexuality its just a prosthetic breast by the looks of it and there's nothing wrong with breastfeeding in public like braindead americans think but breastfeeding your grown children is edgy when people do it in real life not just in a tv show you're probably some sort of fucking pedo weirdo fucking up your child's development if you don't ween your baby before they can have a fucking conversation with you and her sister talks to her son about how bad his aunt is and how beautiful he is as this dopey kid looks down at them and Tyrion looks over at Cat like see I told you bitch be crazy and she insists that that's what her husbands last words "the seed was strong" meant, praising their son, but me thinks it meant something else, maybe seeds used to untracably poison powerful men perhaps? like how you can make ricin out of caster beans if my BrBa education was accurate? and this woman starts ranting about how you shouldn't bring Lannisters here as if she suspects their wrong doing and then she accuses Tyrion of murdering their father who is actually the last Kings Hand everyone's been going on about ah yes me thinks he was talking about what poisoned him not his ultra mommy's boy son and Tyrion just quips "oh, did I kill him too? I've been a very busy man!" and she threatens him that every man there would die for her and he says if they harm him his brother Jaime will make sure they do and the little boy starts screaming NO ONE CAN HURT US HERE! TELL HIM MUMMY! TELL HIM!!!
as if he's already a stroppy prince twat like Joffrey and she calms him down comforts him that no one will hurt her baby, methinks this kids gonna get hurt in the future, and then this little shit says "mummy... I want to see the bad man fly" uhhhhh uh oh and Cat says hes her prisoner so cant be harmed but her sister has him thrown in the dungeon to meet someone or something called "Mord" and when he's flung down there he finds that down there isn't so down there as he peaks over a ledge to see a massive drop because he's on the side of a massive mountain like a mile up in the sky which uh doesn't seem that secure if you're trying to keep someone from killing themselves or someone who's good at climbing secure
then confirming my theory right since I have an excellent gaydar to detect my fellow gays we see the guy alone in his chambers with the pretty boy guy letting him shave his chest lmao because he prefers his lover like that and it seems like the guard guy has a bit of the ol internalized homophobia because he says "if you like me like this maybe you should go find a little boy" but the pretty boy assures him "but I want you" and he seems momentarily satisfied but finds another thing to worry about that his brother thinks hes spoiled because he hasn't been to war and his lover smirks as if he agrees but his lover accuses him of being spoiled too and only has armor because his dad pays for it and since no conversation can be without some edge he complains that the king and our first mention of fan favorite Stannis don't respect him because he threw up when seeing someones eye knocked out of its socket in a melee ew gross and the pretty boy starts shaving his armpits and asks about the outcome of the counsel meeting ah so the guy getting shaved is the young guy on the counsel sorry autism again and he tells him, which makes me wonder if the pretty boy is a spy working for someone if this dumbass is leaking intel to him, that they're going to merc Dany and that "the table rises 6 inches" whenever Robert talks about it lmao and the pretty boy quips "shame he cant muster the same enthusiasm for his wife" so yeah maybe they haven't been intimate for a long time and Joffrey is more likely to be conceived by his uncle lmao and the shaved guy says he's only with her for her money since the Lannisters might be "the most pompous ponderous cunts the gods ever suffered to walk the world, but they do have an outrageous amount of money" and then he complains Rob will make him go hunting with him because he loves killing so much, and his bf wonders how that happened, and he just says again because he loves killing, edgy, and the pretty boy starts buttering him up that he should be king and he could be the one providing the funds and it turns out this guy is actually fourth in line and the pretty boy reasons that Joffrey is a monster, Tommen is only eight and Stannis has the personality of a lobster, lis nice Jordan B Peterson reference, who, ah, is this guys older brother, and I guess some cousin of Robs or something, and the pretty boy seems like he's doing the Cersei shit of knowing he'll never have power himself... but maybe he could be close to it, and he actually slices his bfs chest with the knife and tells him to if he's going to be king he needs to get used to seeing blood and the guy nervously looks down as if he's such a pussy he just cant even look at blood and he laughs a bit nervously like its not so bad and his lover butters him up saying people love him because he's so kind and he'd make a good king because he's so nice and soft and would relish killing and then starts talking him up how they need him as a king as he gets on his knees, gets his cock out and starts sucking him off leaving him to think that over while getting some pretty good positive reinforcement, this is actually a thing I've noticed women do sometimes, you know hearing second hand from men since I'm gay, but if they want their boyfriend to do something they bring it up while they're literally stroking their dick or some shit so they'll just give in and agree, I call it the "Brainwashing Blowjob™", no need to thank me for my gift to sociology
and then we see a depressed Rob getting a visit from his wife who half jokingly half tauntingly says she's sorry his marriage to Rob Stark didn't work out lmao she's calling him a gayboy fucking trolled and Rob just grumbles "I'm glad I could do something to make you happy" ok hold on I'm falling into my usual autism of transcribing something piece by piece ok basically Rob assumes she's angling to get Jaime to be the next Hand but she says he's not serious enough and Rob starts worrying about the Dothraki invading and Cersei assures him they cant and Rob says "that's a neat little trick you do, you move your lips and your fathers voice comes out" who I don't think we've met yet and interesting that he's been close enough to Cersei to realize what a dishonest person she is but he's still under the belief she's just a puppet of her father it seems rather than a cunt all in her own right, and then Rob games out what'll happen if the Dothraki invade, showing he's not as stupid as previously thought he knows its foolish to meet them in an open field so they'll hold up in their castles but then they'll simply go from village to village burning them all down, killing all their men, stealing all their crops and livestock and enslaving all their women and children, very funny that we have people like ISIS doing this shit in 2019 lmao, and the people of the seven kingdom wont stand behind a king who cant protect them and they'll just give into Viserys, the twat brother, as king, seemingly according to Varys plan perhaps, and they do some QUICK MATHS™ where he asks her what is bigger, one or five, and when she says five he holds up a hand of five fingers but then one closed fist which I thought he was going to use to hit her or something for a second since there's non-stop edge and says one unified army with one leader and one purpose will win even though they have more numbers and he whines about how their, Westeros I take it, armies aren't unified and everyone wants something different and when she asks what he wants he just raises his glass of wine and downs it as if to say that's what he wants
and he laments they haven't had a real fight in 9 years and backstabbing, scheming, arse-licking and money-grubbing don't count and he doesn't know what hold sit together and Cersei says dramatically "our marriage" and he immediately bursts out laughing like he takes zero effort to pretend he has any fondness or respect for her other than as a business associate and she just starts giggling too as if it's funny because it's true that their loveless marriage is the only thing keeping everything in check and he very honestly and bluntly as if he's just talking to a work colleague and not saying something that could be quite cruel to his wife asks her if she ever gets tired, and she says every day, I presume they mean putting up with him, and he asks how long can hate hold something together, I guess he figures she hates him, but maybe also a more general hate that keeps her motivated to keep going and stay near power, maybe hatred for her father or something, and they both raise their glasses to her saying "well 17 years is a long time" and Cersei asks "what was she like?" and Rob is shocked to find her asking about "her" and Cersei admits she didn't talk about "her" out of spite to not give him the satisfaction of thinking she was hurt, but then she figured he might actually enjoy her being spiteful so fuck it, and apparently they're talking about Lyanna Stark who's already dead, who I think I recall from /tv/ shitposting was Ned's sister, and Rob asks "you want to know the horrible truth" oh boy here comes some edge he gives it a long pause and says "I cant even remember what she looked like" lmao but he still loved her and someone took her away from him and seven kingdoms couldn't fill the hole, I wonder who killed her, and Cersei admits she once felt something for Rob especially after they lost their first son, and she asks if there was ever a time or a moment where it was possible it could work between them, and Rob says "no" as if he doesn't want to burden himself with thinking he had a chance at a happier life and the asks "does that make you feel better or worse?" and Cersei is so used to tanking emotional trauma she just sips her wine and says blankly "doesn't make me feel anything" which is probably the most honest line we've gotten from her yet uggg I have such bad taste in women because I wish I was, well, Jaime lmao
and then we cut to some young thot rocking a baby talking to Ned about how she has a baby who looks just like her father... the king... and he asks about what the last Hand was there to talk about, and I guess she's a whore because she says he wasn't that sort of man, he just wanted to know if the child was happy and healthy... and probably to also make sure she wasn't going to tell anyone about a certain extra heir that's lying around, and Ned promises her the girl shall want for nothing, probably thinking the same thing that it's best to keep her in comfort so she doesn't go taddling, and then he leaves and finds CIA sitting with two of his girls while wearing a very modern looking almost dinner jacket style shirt and Ned asks about Robs bastards and CIA tries to explain it away that the last Hand tracked them down just because Rob had fatherly love for them but Ned aint buying it and one of the whores starts tempting his bodyguard with her breasts and Ned has to snap him out of it lmao but then when Ned leaves the brothel oh shit... LANNISTER GUARDS ARE FILLING THE STREETS and Jaime rides up taunting them "such a small pack of wolves" and Neds guard tries to big up but Jaime points out he aint the kings Hand no more and CIA comes out to defend Ned I guess because he needs him alive for his own machinations at the moment but Jaime tells him to go back inside because he needs to know where his brother is and Ned can tell how dangerous Jaime is and doesn't want him going after his wife so takes the blame for the manlets capture and Jaime immediately draws his sword and all his men in fancy uniform uniforms point their spears and Ned's one guard draws his sword and looks nervous but might as well die with honor and CIA tells them he's going to go dial ye olde 911 and get the city watch but Jamie starts taunting Ned to duel him saying "I'm going to cut your Lord from balls to brains and see what Starks are made of" and Ned just glares at him with Clint Eastwood style squinting eyes and cuts to the chase "you kill me, you're brothers a dead man" so Jaime says "you're right........ take him alive, kill his men" and oh I guess Ned did have those two best swordsmen waiting for him but not for long because JAIME'S SOLDIERS THROW SPEARS INTO NEDS TWO GUARDS
NED DRAWS HIS SWORD AND HIM AND HIS BODYGUARD START CHOPPING THEIR WAY THROUGH JAIME'S MEN AND THE BODYGUARD RUSHES JAMIE WHO EFFORTLESSLY BLOCKS HIS SWORD WITH HIS AND CASUALLY PLACES A DAGGER THROUGH HIS EYE AND OUT THE BACK OF HIS SKULL AS THE GUY GRUNTS AND TWITCHES AS HE DIES HOLY SHIIIIIIT
AND HE JUST LOOKS OVER AT NED LIKE HEH.... NOTHIN PERSONEL KID ok just for that fucking look thats gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 11 from me fam
and Jaime lets him drop down and Ned looks at him in shock he's so fast and ruthless and all the spearmen surround them trapping Ned in the center of the street and Jaime raises his sword like come at me bro and NED ATTACKS HIM BUT JAIME DEFECLTS EVERY BLOW AND POSES LIKE HES ONLY SPARRING WITH A BIG SHIT EATING GRIN THAT HE GETS TO SHOW OFF HIS MOVES FINALLY
AND NED GRIMACES AND WAITS FOR JAIME TO UNLEASH HIS OWN FAR FASTER ATTACKS IN A FLURRY AT HIM AND NED GRITS HIS TEETH AS HE DEFLECTS THEM AS FAST AS HE CAN MANAGE AND GETS A FEW SWIPES BACK IN
BUT JAIME JUST DODGES AND PARRIES THEM UNTIL HES UP IN HIS FACE SMILING AT HIM BUT NED SUMMONS ALL HIS STRENGTH AND SHOVES HIM BACK AND... GETS STABBED IN THE LEG BY A SPEAR FROM ONE OF THE GUARDS LMAO
there we go there's our anti-climactic realism and Jaime looks annoyed his badass fight got cut short and casually walks over and LUMPS THE GUARD OUT I thought he was gonna take his helmet off and be revealed to be Stannis for his introduction as a much more sensible tactician or something but he was just some dweeb who couldn't tell Jaime was in control and then he sheathes his sword, hops up on his horse, tells Ned he wants his brother back and just casually rides off taking his personal guards with him as Ned passes out in the middle of the street surrounded by corpses holy shit the action scenes in this show are dank as fuck very realistic and brutal and I like how that guard guy died I mean I didn't even remember his name but that's just me being racist to white people all looking the same but I like it when action scenes have consequences like I hope that's Ned with a limp for the rest of his life like it would probably be in real life since that's what makes action exciting rather than just a bit of fun and usually its just the age rating of a movie or tv show keeping the violence from being too realistic but action scenes where no one loses anything are fucking pointless other than for a purely aesthetic appreciation you can have for some cool looking fights or something but to really get your heart pumping you need to think this is a big moment in the story for our characters who might die or be disabled or lose someone close to them or overcome their enemies rather than how most movies and shows do it where the story like takes a break for people to pointlessly punch each other for a bit anyway great shit this is the best episode so far imho lots of great scheming, three great fight scenes and thank fuck it was set all in Kingslanding with the only detours being what Cat and Tyrion, two characters directly involved in the Kingslanding plot, are up to, we saw zero of boring central The Wall or Mary Sue central the Dothraki storylines which can feel like literally different shows at times the setting and characters are so different and so quarantined from the rest of the narrative ok onto the next
Game of Thrones 1x06: "A Golden Crown"
wife beating special edition
First aired: May 22, 2011
we pan past some netting or whatever to find Ned waking up in a sweat in bed with the grim faces of Cersei and Rob looking down at him and when he tries to suck up to Rob Cersei immediately starts arguing with him about Cat nabbing the brother that she isn't fucking and Robs like WILL BOTH OF YOU SHUT YA MOUTHS!!! and orders Ned to release Tyrion and make peace with Jaime but Ned whines "he butchered my men!" and Cersei smirks at him like lmao he thinks telling the truth will help him watch this gayboi and starts lying "Lord Stark was returning drunk from a brothel when his men attacked Jaime" and he was indeed leaving a brothel and they don't exactly have alcohol blood tests back then so she can spin it as she likes but Rob snaps QUIET WOMAN! because he knows all too well of her bullshit absolutely based Rob keeping the thot in line and Ned demands justice from Jaime and Cersei starts winding up Rob questioning his kinghood and when he tells her to HOLD YER TONGUE she points out its her brothers hes gone after so I SHOULD WEAR THE ARMOR, AND YOU THE GOWN
going after his manhood now lmao and Rob turns to her like right, there we go, the line has been reached and SLAPS THE THOT ACROSS THE FACE absolutely BASED & REDPILLED
and Ned looks a bit shocked like he's such a moralfag he doesn't agree with that no matter what's going on between their families and Cersei recovers, smiles to herself like she's not surprised and its actually a relief to just have the dysfunctional nature of their relationship out in the open and taunts him "I shall wear this as a badge of honor" as her face starts to bruise and Rob says WEAR IT IN SILENCE OR ILL HONOR YOU AGAIN and she leaves in a huff top wife beating and Rob immediately starts blaming Cersei for winding him up but as if Ned just looking at him is all he needs to prickle whats left of his honor he admits "I should not have hit her, that was not... kingly" pretty sure in those days that was literally considered normal like pathetic retards still defending slapping children in [the current year] you would literally get people angrily accusing you of being the weird immoral one if you said you shouldn't do that but ok maybe in this world its different and its considered a class thing or something not to resort to violence in your own home like some thuggish poor person and Ned warns there'll be a war so Rob just tells him to release "that little shit of an Imp" and Ned starts whining about Jaime but Rob's got too much fucking debt to his dad and just tells him some real politik shit that he doesn't care what happened between them he cant rule with them at war so just fucking drop it and Ned, perhaps being more on the merciful side of morally uptight rather than vengeful but also looking down at his fucked up leg and shivering from the fever of an infection accepts this and asks to leave but Rob wants him to stay seemingly out of fear he has no one else he can trust not wanting to persecute him or anything and he talks about how he never loved his actual brothers but Ned is the one he chose and he tosses Ned his badge back and goes off to hunt as "killing clears my head" and Ned immediately starts whining about Dany again but Rob just threatens that if he doesn't put on that badge he'll give it to Jaime Lannister and storms out and Ned realizes he has no choice since he figures he knows what some of Jaime's first decisions would be if he got it
then unfortunately we cut to Dany holding the dragon egg fossil and tentatively puts it on some burning coals and sits there as if she's expecting it to hatch or something when one of these interchangeable slave girls comes in and finds her picking it up and shes like wtf and grabs it off of her getting burned but... Dany isn't burned at all... hmmmmmm
then Bran has another dream about the three eyed raven, this shit is reminding me of all the weird dream sequences in Lost, the most obvious imagery here being the third eye in real world eastern mythology that represents being able to perceive spiritual wisdom that we all know actually represents your pineal gland that pedophile elites get high on the DMT of from eating them out of dead childrens brains to talk to the aliens like Alex Jones says but I guess this is representing Bran's spiritual struggle on whether to grass up Jaime or not and him chasing after this bird that seems to indicate wisdom, although maybe lethal wisdom since it's a crow that's usually associated with death, is representing him struggling to find what the right decision is but then he gets woken up before he can get the crow by Hodor bringing him his fancy harness that's been built and then we cut to him whooping and cheering as he's successfully riding around on his horse as his two brothers or whoever these generic white guys are talk about what went down last episode and how they need to gather an army to go roll on the Lannisters, ok its whoever this second in command oldest son guy is and Theon who's stirring trouble because he's an insecure dumbass who wants to be on the winning side of a war for once, and this guy, who does bare a striking resemblance to Jon's actor, tells him it's not his duty to worry about it, and then suddenly the sound of the horse disappears and he worries where Bran suddenly went to and Theon just says not my duty lol peace thanks shithead and then we see some raggedy ass little hobo sneaking through the forest after Bran and two more come out and catch his horse and start shaking him down for it and his silver broach but he cant get off his horse because of the straps so he nuts up and threatens to have them killed because he's a Stark but they don't believe him and one of the suggests they CUT HIS LITTLE COCK OFF AND STUFF IT IN HIS MOUTH ok that does it EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 12 maybe I just haven't gotten laid in a while (28 years) but that female murder hobo is pretty cute I wouldn't mind showing her how I can put my cock in my mouth all by myself I mean uh put mine in hers because I'm normal and not weird
but she realizes probably from his fancy saddle and broach that he is actually a Stark and suggests they ransom and I think these people might be wildlings because one of the men says fuck that because they're going down south away from the White Walkers and then we see Bran's big brother finding them and he draws his sword and says DROP THE KNIFE AND ILL LET YOU LIVE and the leader just hisses at his minion who rushes the standing king and SWINGS HIS AXE AT HIM, WHICH HE LEANS BACK AWAY FROM NOT MOVING HIS FEET AN INCH, DEFLECTS THE AXE AND THEN SLITS HIS THROAT OPEN, HELL YEAH MOTHERFUCKER
AND THE QT FEMALE ONE WHACKS HIM IN THE BACK WITH A CLUB BUT HE JUST KNOCKS HER DOWN, RAMS THROUGH THE THIRD WILDLING AND HOLDS THE WOMAN HOSTAGE AS THE FINAL BAD GUY TAKES BRAN HOSTAGE and Bran calls to Robb, ok goddamn it that's going to get annoying to remember I wish I went back to not even knowing his name, and the wildling orders him to drop the blade and Bran tells him not to but Robb pussies out and puts his sword down but then AN ARROW COMES OUT OF NOWHERE THROUGH THE WILDLINGS HEART...
FIRED BY... THEON!
I guess he really is good at archery! and Robb drops the woman as Theon holds her at, uh, arrowpoint, and during all that Bran got cut and Robb asks if hes ok and Bran says it doesn't hurt and Theon is impressed with how tough he is but its probably just because hes, you know, paralysed from the waist down and cant feel anything at all lmao, and he ribs Robb about being a man now he killed enemies in battle but Robb gets triggered that Theon took that shot when he couldn't even see where Bran was and Theon yells that was the only option and Robb gives in since those were his first kills it seems and Theon has actually seen a real battle before and is the real gangster between the two of them but then Robb asks what about the woman and Theon just grimaces like they know what they have to do but she begs Robb for her life saying that "I'm yours" hmmmm I wonder what she means and Robb looks down at Bran and decides they'll keep her alive what are they gonna see if Bran's dick still works on her or something
then we cut to Tyrion sleeping in his cell and he rolls over in his sleep and ALMOST ROLLS OFF THE SIDE OF THE CLIFF LMAO and he starts banging on the door and screaming for Mord who I guess is the fat asshole who threw him in the cell, shows how resourceful Tyrion is that he picked up his name in that stressful situation, and he comes barging in slapping Tyrion and yelling DWARF MAN MAKING NOISE! like hes a bit on the slow side and Tyrion tries to bribe him by asling if he'd like to be rich and this dude who has a huge scar on his head as if he's suffered some brain damage yells again DWARF MAN STILL MAKING NOISE! and hits him and Tyrion realizes he cant be subtle with this dude and starts yelling that his family has lots of gold and he'll give it to him and this fucking fat retard frisks Tyrion and remarks NO GOLD! and hits him again and Tyrion's like "well I don't have it here!" and the guy just says FUCK OFF! and marches out lmao cant manipulate someone who's too dumb to understand what you're saying an ingenious decision of who to appoint jailer from the pedo queen there
then back in Kingslanding Arya is having her sword fighting training but she doesn't want to from how fucked her family is but her training just starts slapping her with his wooded sword and winding her up saying when there's trouble that's the only time you are going to fight so best get used to it and starts talking a bunch of flowery autism about how she'll be quick as a shadow one day this guy seems to nice and happy I'm sure he'll die in a horrible manner and he asks which gods she prays to and she says "the old and the new" and he says THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD... AND HIS NAME IS DEATH ok not Allah then got scared there I presume this is maybe the first introduction of some weird death cult that seems to come into the show later on
then we cut to... DANY EATING A HEART in the centre of a group of chanting women as Aquaman looks on and her brother is like "she has to eat the whole heart? hope that wasn't my horse" to Jonah who says "she's doing well" but her brother says "she'll never keep it down" as if they're on fucking Fear Factor and Joe Rogan's about to step out and Dany intensely stares Aquaman in the eyes as if she's proving to him she's worthy to be a Dothraki and Jonah starts translating the songs edgy lyrics where they're singing praise to her son that I guess she's doing some ritual to power up with the horses heart about how he'll make his enemies wives cry tears of blood and shit but the borther isn't impressed and says he wont be a true Tygerian or whatever his family name is and Dany finishes the heart but then doubles over almost vomiting and everyone goes quiet as she gags and heaves but then she slowly gets back up onto her knees having... NOT THROWN UP and swallows whats left and Aquaman looks like he's glad he married this badass bitch and Jonah starts translating again about a horse god that'll fuck the world or something and Dany stands up and starts playing along about how the Prince rides within her is called "Rhaego" and they all chant the name including a dude with half his face painted blue like some William Wallace shit and her brother is surprised and pleased to learn the Dothraki all love Dany as Aquaman carries her around and Jonah grits his teeth as if hes about to nut and says "she truly is a queen today"
but the brother has already left and we see him opening the chest of dragon eggs and he puts one in his bag but gets caught by Jonah who warns him about carrying a sword in the city apparently they have strict sword control laws lol sword free zone and the brother just quips "not my law" fucking hell yeah dude and Jonah also warns against stealing the eggs but his plan is to sell them for ships and he starts fucking whining and greeting about how he's been the last hope of the greatest dynasty the world has ever seen since he was 5 years old but no one has ever given him what she got in that tent and looks like hes about to cry out of nowhere literally because some savages cheered for his sister and he's never gotten any positive attention in his entire life which is pretty fucking pathetic and makes it understandable why his coping mechanism is to be so arrogant despite how useless he is and Jonah just stands there staring at him like he has nothing to say as a hardened man of war to this whining boy and the brother just calls him out for lusting after Dany but then says "I don't care, have her, she can be queen of the savages and dine on whatever horseparts she likes and you can dine on whatever parts of her you like" top kek and goes to leave but Jonah wont let him take the eggs and stares him down and the brother calls him out for dishonering his oath to him but Jonah says honers everything to him so the brother just gives in figuring he'll find some way to trick him later and drops the eggs and storms off and Jonah stands there triumphant I guess really acting out of pure orbiting of Dany since he doesn't seem that mad at the Starks to start a war over it that he wouldn't just stay over there free from them instead
then back with Tyrone hes banging on the door for Mord who rushes in and slaps him with a "cosh" as Liam Neeson would say yelling NO GOLD! and Tyrone tries to explain, through a cringing face as if he knows it wont work, "sometimes... possession is an abstract concept" and Mord just hits him again and Tyrone, oh god have I just called him Tyrone three times? fuck it dude I'm going to keep doing it until I remember his real name, tries to explain "when they captured me they took my purse but the gold... is still mine" and Mord demands WHERE? and he tries to explain "I don't know where but when they free me-" but Mord just hits him and says "you want free? go be free" and points off the side of the cliff lmao and Tyrone tries "have you ever heard the phrase..... rich as a Lannister?" and when Mord doesn't hit him he tries to explain that he's a Lannister and tries "a Lannister always pays his debts" and Mord seems to recognise that too and then tells him he'll be in his debt to no response so he dumbs down even more "I will owe you gold" and Mord stands there staring at him until it finally clicks and agrees to deliver the message "I wish to confess my crimes"
then cut to the throne room full of subjects as he stands before the queen and she boasts to her sister "the sky cells always break them" idk its got a great view and lots of fresh air seems nice and Tyrone looks around at the subjects and starts really chewing the scenery pretending to be remorseful for his sinful life and as he lists all his crimes he mentions how hes good at convincing others to do his crimes for him and he looks at Cat who gets the hint and looks at her bodyguard and he looks like he gets the hint too and as if just to buy more time Tyrone starts telling a story about stealing a girls robe when he was 7 and when he closes his eyes he can still see her tits bouncing lmao and the crowd mutters in shock and he goes on saying when he was 10 he stuffed his uncles boots with goatshit and blamed someone else and when he was 12 "I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew, I flogged the one-eyed snake! I skinned my sausage! I made the bald man cry! into the turtle soup! which I believe my sister ate, at least I hope she did!" not even that weird for that family
and the crowd stats giggling at his insane antics but when he gets to "I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel" the queen realizes hes bullshitting and demands SILENCE but her son is like WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? and Cat demands to know about Bran and the last Hand and he tells her he has no idea about that and she seems to believe him and the queen gets triggered and tells Mord to lock him back up... on a steeper floor, and Tyrone gives a speech about how this is unjust and that he demands a trial and the queen says if he loses he pays with his life, but not by an executioner, they live more elegantly there and she orders to "open the moon door" and her dipshit zoomer son starts clapping away as... the platform in the middle of the room breaks apart to reveal a massive drop into from the mountain they're on and the fair trial is going to be... "my son will listen to whatever you have to say, and you will hear his judgement, then you will leave, by one door or the other" top fucking kek, this is how Trump needs to run America, just let Baron decide everything, and Tyrone already knows this little shit wants to "watch him fly" so he instead demands... trial by combat, and the whole room giggles and the queen looks at her sister and agrees, and then almost every man in the room stands up and says he'll fight for her to avenge their king and Tyrone just looks at them all smiling happily and the zoomer prince stands up and yells MAKE THE BAD MAN FLY!!!! and Tyrone looks at him like fuck you kid but then the queen asks presumably their best fighter, the head of their soldiers, if he wants to fight but he thinks it would be dishonerable to fight a midgo to which Tyrone actually agrees, and the queen is like wtf, and Tyrone reveals his masterplan, that he'll appoint a champion... which I thought was going to be Cats bodyguard guy he's won the trust of and was seemingly signalling to before, but it's actually JAIME LANISTER! and everyone gasps and some of the men stand down but the queen says hes too far away so Tyrone awkwardly asks for a volunteer and everyone just laughs at him including the shit head prince until... ah... there we go... Tyrone's real masterplan was to manipulate... the bodyguard guy into volunteering, and he just shrugs to Tyrone like eh why not
then back in Kingslanding king Rob, Incel Lannister, his gay cousin or whatever and the old general guy are in the woods hunting (in a scene that I heard in an interview with GRRM was a good example of how the budget of the show cuts into the realism he was trying to have in his books, e.g. when a king went hunting it wasn't just 3 guys with him, he had an entire division of hundreds of guards bringing a small town of supplies and tents with him everywhere he went) with Rob having wine poured into his mouth by his servant every few paces lmao and hes ranting about how war used to be so simple with the enemy right in front of you without all this cloak and dagger bs now adays which reminds me of modern warfare that's all about asymmetric counter-insurgency vs guerrilla tactics shit rather than two armies meet somewhere and see who has the biggest guns which dipshit normies still think war is like and thinks America can beat anyone despite getting humiliated over and over again by peasant farmers lmao and Rob teases the gay dude who I guess is closeted but Rob seems to be onto him for throwing fancy balls and how in his day "you weren't a real man until you fucked a girl from all 7 kingdoms! and the riverlands! we used to call it making the eight!" and he asks his general if he ever made the eight who just sighs no your grace like he's used to his bullshit but the gay dude cant take it anymore and plants his spear down and says "the good old days? when half of Westeros killed the other half? or before that, when the Mad King slaughtered women and babies because the voices in his head told him they deserved it? or way before that, when dragons burned whole cities to the ground?" blowing this old nostalgic boomer fuck the hell out like all the dipshit fans of this show that wish they lived in medieval times need to be blown the fuck out and Rob says "easy boy! you might be my brother but you're speaking to the king!" ah ok hes his brother and his brother gets legit angry and snarls at him that it was a heroic time if he had a poor whore to shove your prick into and make the eight and storms off I guess his little talk with his boyfriend before this made him resentful he'll realistically never be king when this obnoxious moron is and Incel Lannister knows his king well enough to offer him his wine which he downs in one go and slouches off depressed that his whole family hates him
then back home we see Ned as our first person actually sitting on the Iron Throne as he's Robs second in command and CIA is by his side taking notes and the old ass guy or whatever is on his other as some peasant tells him about how some edgemasters burned his village, took their women, took them again, slaughtered them like animals, covered their children in pitch and called them niggers no they lit them on fire and he assures them "they weren't thieves they even left something behind your grace" and the old man tuts "this is the Kings Hand you're addressing" yeah I guess in those days you wouldn't know who was who unless you were told cant exactly see him on the news or online even the king if this was before they started putting his face on all the coins and one of them brings over a sack he opens up... of fish guts, and CIA remarks that it's the sigil of house Tully and whispers... not so quietly... to Ned "isn't that your wife's house?" and Ned asks if these men were flying a sigil and this dumb peasant doesn't even know what that is so he explains a banner and he says no, but the one who was leading them was taller than a foot by any man he'd ever seen who cut his blacksmiths in two and took the head off a horse with a single swing, and Ned recoils as he recognizes the description but CIA the little shit pushes it home "sounds like someone we know... The Mountain" as if he didn't fucking send him himself and the old man says why would he do that he's a knight but CIA says he's "Tywin Lannister's mad dog" and whispers, again not so quietly, to Ned "can you think of any reason the Lannisters might possibly have to be angry with your wife?" as if he doesn't know exactly and the old guy says it'd be very brazen to attack villages under the kings protection just to get back at Ned and CIA points out yeah like attacking him in the streets of the capital and the old man just gives up speaking like he cant be bothered trying to curtail CIAs damage anymore and Ned declares he'll try to give them justice and then summons a Lord to assemble 100 men to ride to Gregor's keep and he stands up with a walking stick shaking on his fucked leg and gives this huge big Iron Fist style title drop shit officially declaring in the kings name that Gregor is denounced and sentenced to death and CIA smirks as if maybe he framed The Mountain like he just paid these dumb peasants to spin a tall tale or something or really had their families killed and threatened more deaths if they don't play along and the old man glances over at him like he can tell whats going on now and begs Ned to not be rash but Ned orders that Tywin arrive and answer for this bannermens crimes let he be branded and enemy of the crown since it seems CIA has successfully used his resentment against that family against him and the crowd is shocked to hear him turn on the man who half the kingdom is in debt to and CIA praises him but tests his resolve by telling him "gold wins wars, not soldiers" this nigga ain't heard of Bin Laden's "bleed the beast" tactic obviously and Ned just snarls "then how come Robert is king... and not Tywin Lannister?" odd that CIA would want Ned to turn on The Mountain but maybe he's just angling to put Rob in the awkward position of having to choose between Ned and his father in laws who's his biggest finance knowing he just has to push the situation a little further to have Ned getting fucked whenever he wants
then back in the crazy mountain palace they are opening the moon doors again that they closed for no reason just to edgily open it again we see the queens champion putting his faceguard down and getting his shield and sword ready and the bodyguard dude waving away a shield like he just needs his sword and the little zoomer prince hops up and screams FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! *mortal combat music starts up*
AND THE TWO MEN START SWINGING THEIR HEAVY SWORDS AT EACH OTHER AS THE BODYGUARD GUY KEEPS ON THE DEFENCE JUMPING BACK FROM THE INCOMING BLADES UNTIL HES CHASED UP AND OFF THE STAIRCASE AND THE QUEEN SCREAMS "STAND AND FIGHT COWARD!" SO HE KICKS A GIANT CANDLESTICK THING AT THE CHAMPION WHO JUST STEPS OVER IT AND COMES SWINGING AT HIM ALMOST KNOCKING HIM DOWN THE MOON DOOR AS THE PRINCE GIGGLES WITH GLEE HE GETS TO SEE SOMEONE FALLING
BUT THE BODYGUARD GUY DODGES TO THE SIDE AND STARTS DODGING MORE BLOWS AS THE CHAMPION LUMBERS AFTER HIM IN HIS HEAVY ARMOR SMASHING HIS SWORD OFF OF PILLARS AND OUR HERO GRABS SOME RANDOM DUDE AND THROWS HIM AT THE WARRIOR WHO JUST SHOVES HIM AWAY KEK AND THE CROWD STARTS MOVING OUT THE WAY REALIZING THEY'RE IN DANGER AND AS THE HEAVILY ARMORED DUDE ATTACKS THE BODYGUARD SEES HIS OPPORTUNITY NOW HES TIRED HIM OUT TO SLIP IN AND RAM HIS BLADE INTO HIS SIDE AND TYRONE YELLS "YES!!" AND THE CHAMPION TAKES HIS FACEPLATE UP TO WIPE SWEAT OFF HIS FACE AND THE QUEEN YELLS FOR HIM TO "FINISH HIM!" LIKE ITS MORTAL COMBAT
SO HE DROP HIS FACEPLATE BACK DOWN AND STAGGERS TOWARDS THE BODYGUARD WHO DOGES OUT THE WAY AND FINALLY PARRIES HIS ATTACK AND RUNS HIS BLADE UP THE BACK OF HIS LEG MUCH TO TYRONES AMUSEMENT AND WHEN HE CHARGES AT HIM THE BODYGUARD JUST TRIPS HIM AND LETS HIM FALL, KICKS HIS SHIELD AWAY, CATCHES HIS SWORD ARM, LOOKS UP AT THE QUEEN, RAISES HIS SWORD AS THE MANS WIFE CRYS FOR MERCY
BUT HE JUST PLUNGES HIS SWORD INTO THE DUDES NECK CAUSING BLOOD TO POUR DOWN AND THEN DROPS HIM OUT THE MOON DOOR A MILE TO THE GROUND
pretty good fight where the guy just tired this dude lumbering around with a huge shield out by kiting him around the room until he was too gassed to defend himself and armor then he turns to Tyrone who smirks at him and the little zoomer kid smiles and asks his mum "is it over?" and Cat looks sad as she knows her sisters reaction before she says "you don't fight with honor!" and the bodyguard guy admits "no... he did!" and points down the moon door at his fuckboy opponent and Mord confusedly takes Tyrone's shackles off, the prince asks if he can "make the little man fly now" but Tyrone quips "not this little man", gets his shekels back from the outrageous pigtails neckbeard guy, gives Cat a bow and proves the saying right by tossing Mord his entire purse of coins much to his joy... but then as the door closes you see some guards moving in on Mord like he wont be allowed to keep it lol, ok that was a weird detour that they just let him go but I guess that's what happens when you do brainlet things like trial by combat
then back in Kingslanding we see Sansa and some old nun lady sewing together talking about hair styles and when Sansa asks where the old lady is from and she starts up on a big story about her homeland Sansa suddenly cuts her off and says "oh wait... I just realized I don't care" you know what, congratulations you little, thot because you just earned an EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 13
I guess this is to show how badly just thinking about wanting to be with a Lannister is corrupting her, and speak of the little shit devil, Joffrey walks in and they actually all bow to each other with Sansa looking flustered and Joffrey literally says "m'lady" and apologises for giving her the cold shoulder and puts a necklace, similar to his mothers, bit weird, on her as a gift, and starts talking all romantically about how she'll be his queen one day and he'll never be cruel to her again and she soaks it all up beaming with pride as he plants a kiss on her and the nun looks on with sadness knowing he's just telling her everything she wants to hear so she'll stick around like abusive men she's probably seen throughout her life, I wonder what that was about, I'm sure it was just Cersei talking him into it
then on the road we see Theon riding down and ordering a turnip cart to stop because it's got Ros in the back who claims to be heading to a ship to Kingslanding and Theon does his version of asking her to stay by saying she'll have to fuck old at Lords with tiny pricks who cant get it up and will knock her teeth in and she mocks his heritage knowing he likes it in a fucked up way because it gives him an excuse to exalt his family but hes not up for their banter today because he actually misses her and he just whines "don't be stupid" but she explains everyone knows there's a war coming after Jaime attacked Ned in the streets so all the men up there will be marching down south leaving her no business left and then summing up their fucked up little romance as the cart takes off Theon begs "let me see it one more time!" and she teases like a great buisnesswoman "see what?" and he tosses her a coin and SHE FLASHES HIM HER PUSSY, NOT WEARING ANY PANTIES UNDER HER DRESS and Theon grins and calls I'M GONNA MISS YOU!
and she confidently says "I know!" like she knows making a dopey insecure guy like him fall for her is easy peasy, goddamn prostitution is pathetic, not for the prostitute though they're just on that grind doing their hustle, people who pay for sex are the fucking pathetic ones lmao, just more degenerate shit like drugs or gambling where you're chasing some feeling of satisfaction you'll never manage since it's all fake shit, thankfully Theon wont have this problem for much longer..
then back in Kingslanding, thank fuck we haven't been back to The Wall in two episode fuck you Jon Snow, Ned is telling his girls they have to go home much to their distress since Sansa has Joffrey and Arya has her training with Spyro the dragon or whatever his name is but Ned tries to explain it's for their safety and Sansa goes on this but spiel about how she's going to be a queen and Ned tries to comfort her saying he'll find her someone king and gentle and strong but she has a fit saying she wants Joffrey wow I guess the girls really do love the bad boys even if they are an inbred autist and Arya and Ned just smirk I guess knowing she's dramatic about fucking everything but when she says that their children will have lovely blonde hair since Joffrey's nothing like the idiot drunk king it hits Ned... ah yes... who else do I know that's a sadistic blond dickhead... and suddenly tells the girls to just pack up and limps off as fast as he can to his desk and opens up that big tome of family histories until he finds the bit about Robs family and reads how every single one of his male ancestors was black of hair with Joffrey being the first one in the recorded history of his ancestry to have golden hair and he sits back like no.... no.... that's fucking gross even for me
then back in mongolia there is a big party going on when the drunken brother wanders in calling for Dany who knows what a shithead he is and that this will end very badly for him so tells Jonah to stop him but he wont listen and starts telling him "nobody touches dragon!" and Aquaman just laughs at him and tells him through Jonahs translation that there's a place for him back there as he sits back seeing what the brother will do and this idiot start ranting that he's a king, gets triggered when Aquaman says he is no king in his first English sentence and draws his sword on Jonah and the music suddenly stops as everyone sees this outsider brought a sword in and Jonah warns them "they'll kill us all" but the brother who's name I've yet to learn has found out, seemingly conveniently of-screen, that it's against their culture to "spill blood in their sacred city... but I can" so he just wanders around holding his sword to women like he can do whatever he wants and they cant even defend themselves until he finds Dany, puts the sword... to her belly... and then demands that he get his crown that he came here for, and one of the thots translates to Aquaman, so the brother tells her to tell him to hand over his crown or hes taking Dany back... "he can keep the baby... I can cut it out and leave it for him" oooh he's an edgy prick and there's a kino shot of him threatening his unborn nephew as the father stops laughing and looks straight at the sword like that's him green lighting him right that instant without even needing to think about it
and Aquaman starts talking in Dothraki and Dany tells him he's saying "you shall have a golden crown... that men shall tremble to behold" and satisfied he takes his sword away and says that's all he wanted, and giggles with joy as if maybe for the first time in his life he might finally be getting some adoration and looks like hes about to hug Aquaman he's so needy but with a word two big guys grab him and ONE BREAKS HIS ARM and he starts hollering they cant touch him because "I am the dragon! I want my crown!" and he starts shrieking like a bitch as they hold him down and then Aquaman casually goes over to a metal pot some food is cooking in over a fire, chucks it out and drops in some golden amulets... and Jonah can tell whats coming and tells Dany to look away, but so can she and she refuses and just looks at her brother completely cold eyed like shes becoming a real Dothraki gangster and the brother sees the melting gold and starts catching on and starts begging Dany for mercy and Aquaman picks up the pot of boiling gold... which I'm pretty sure would never burn over a regular open air food cooking fire and would need to be put in a specially built super hot kiln to melt but ok... walks over to the begging brother who gives one last scream to Dany but looks up and... KAHL DROGO GRUMBLES "A CROWN FOR A KING"
AND DUMPS THE MOLTEN GOLD OVER HIS HEAD!!!!
THUS KILLING HIM WITHOUT SPILLING ANY BLOOD
AND HOPS DOWN IN FRONT OF HIM TO INTIMATELY STUDY HIS DYING SCREAMING FACE AS HIS SKULL IS BOILED THROUGH AND THE METAL STARTS TO COOL AND HARDEN AROUND HIS FUCKING BRAIN AS HE YELPS IN AGONY
BEFORE TOPPLING OVER WITH A METALLIC THUD
AND DANY JUST STARES AT HIM AND SAYS "HE WAS NO DRAGON... FIRE CANNOT KILL A DRAGON" HAHAHAHA WEW LADDY IS THAT GONNA BE A EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 14 FROM ME
ok that was spoiled for me like 8 years ago on /tv/ and it makes little logical sense and uh Aquaman there's literally one line delivery was a little stilted and mumbling but that is a pretty dank ass death I'll give that to them I'm also surprised they killed off this guy who's name I'll never learn now so fast since he's the main element connecting the Dothraki shit to the main storyline but I guess his character of the uppity spoiled fop prince and incestuous controlling brother is already covered by the Lannister family so rip in piss only thing is when I saw the screencaps from this years ago I figured the context would be they are about to give him an actual crown after some more build up and he is sober as he kneels down to get it but then they melt the crown down and kill him by pouring it over his head with Dany having actually put Aquaman up to it she hates her brother so much rather than it just being some random gold being melted, him only getting into that situation because he's dumb enough to stumble in there pulling his piece on Dany while drunk as fuck and it being a spur of the moment decision from Aquaman with no input from Dany other than being glad its happening, I guess things will always be better in my head than they actually are because that seemed more compelling than just this random murder as if they got bored of writing for this character rather than a way that helps further all three concerned characters but I guess that's realisms for you where not every big event in someones life has full thematic weight sometimes someone just gets tired of your shit and pours molten gold over your head, here's a fan theory though: maybe the plot to take out the Targaryens has already started, maybe Varys, is that the spelling? already sent word to his spy Jo... Jorah not Jonah right? to start knocking those platinum blonde pricks off, and that's the real reason he stopped the brother who's name I'll never learn now from running off with the eggs, since he knows if he just keeps him around a little longer he wont be able to stop himself from running afoul of Aquaman and get himself killed? and maybe there'll be a scene where he's meant to take out Dany next but he's too much of an orbiter and defects to her side or something, bonus meme:
Game of Thrones 1x07: "You Win or You Die"
crashing this kingdom... with no survivors! special edition
First aired: May 29, 2011
ok we open on what seems like an armys tent city that's all red and we see inside the biggest tent is Jaime reading the summons letter from Ned to his father Tywin who the first thing we see of him is sharpening a blade to cut open a dead deer, I get the impression that this is to like hint at his lethal nature or something although it's something only a 1st century liberal city dwelling american would try to convey that with since uh hunting was a normal daily activity for survival for most of human existence and still is all around the world but I guess this show is for ultra soyboys who think prostitution is edgy so it probably works, and as he guts this deer he admonishes Jaime for attacking Ned and then starts goading him to say something clever because he knows he's the one man Jaime wont talk back to and then he admonishes Jaime for being too insecure to get it over with and kill a wounded man because it wouldn't be a "clean" kill as Jaime puts it and the practical effects for this deer getting skinned are pretty good bravo whoever put that together this is one of those things you can miss the craftmenship of since you might just not realize its fake but it really stands out as lame if they fuck it up and you can tell right away its fake
and Tywin keeps chiding Jaime for caring about what others think of him and as he slits open the deers lungs he tells him to take half their men, 40K, to Cats girlhood home and remind them a Lannister always pay their debts which I guess is his interpretation of that saying rather than Tyrones more nice way of just giving people gold they promised them he means that they'll fuck you up if you do anything against them lel and Jaime says hes surprised he cares so much about his brother, I guess hoping to hear he doesn't at all because he's probably insecure people like Tyrone better than him despite him being more traditionally impressive, and Tywin explains he's still a Lannister and him being captive brings disrespect to their name and Jaime talks back about oh so you do care what others think and Tywin snaps that's not an opinion that's a fact as if he doesn't have much respect for Jaime being such a pompous git and treats him like a cheeky boy rather than another man who's disrespect is anything more than annoying and not anything like a serious concern and Jaime stands there trying to keep a straight face as his seemingly far more callous father raises his voice to him which probably brings him back to getting his ass whooped as a kid and just stands there shutting his mouth and Tywin spells it out if another house can hold one of them captive they wont be feared anymore and it'll end with their entire family dead if they let this stand which is all that matters not his personal glory or whatever as he furiously saws through this deers skin and he turns around to ask if he understands and Jaime just stands there in silence and nods as if he's talking to an actual lion he doesn't want to make any aggression towards but also doesn't dare even show weakness or fear I'm really fucking liking this actor for Tywin he's immediately intimidating just telling his loyal son what to do never mind how he'd treat his enemies and Jaime's actor plays off against him fantastically and Tywin can tell Jaime's pride is going to get him to do some dumb shit so gives him a little dressing down telling him he's so privileged but all he is is a bodyguard to a mad king and then a drunk king as if lowering his ego will keep him from acting rashly and as soon as he sees Jaime's guard being lowered he goes straight up to him and holds his face and reasons with him that their family could reign for a thousand years if he can just be the great man he wants to be right now and Jaime looks completely enthralled by his fathers manipulations but then get shook as if he's worried he'll fail him as he leaves, really great performances there, but one thing though if everyone involved knows what Tywin is like Cat is kind of a fucking moron to have Tyrone arrested with fuck all evidence other than a hair probably from his sister, she could probably just ask around and find Tyrone was at least helping Bran out afterwards, it'd be quite the dangerous ploy to try to make yourself look framed by giving an assassin your blade when you could have just stayed out of it all together and for some reason thinks bringing him to her sister is going to help the matters as if she can just pass the blame onto her and it wont just get her kingdom involved too instead of just the Starks and not to be a shitlord or anything but she should have really talked to Ned about it beforehand since fucking obviously there's going to be blowback on their family and more specifically their underage daughters who are currently living in the palace his family controls, but I guess that's useless women for you
then back at Kingslanding we get an interesting shot from Ned's POV of him sitting in a garden when Cersei walks up to him looking down at him blocking out the sun and suggests he go back home as he struggles to even stand up to claim to know what the last Hand died over and when Cersei deflects by asking if that's why he called her there to pose riddles, which is almost all the dialog in this show lmao, he tries to throw her off in a way only he could manage by showing his concern and disapproval of Rob hitting her and she says Jaime would have killed him for it and that he's a thousand times the man his friend is, weird that they're making such a big deal out of that slap since that was completely normal back then and seems to be in this world where we've seen people slapping each other constantly, most memorably Tyrone slapping Joffrey and I am pretty sure Cersei slapped her brother at some stage, and Ned drops the bombshell YOUR BROTHER... OR YOUR LOVER?
and Cersei just smiles at him with a poker face like oh that's where you want to go lets go fam and she starts pretending as if she's defensive by stating that the Targaryens wed brothers and sisters for 300 years to keep the bloodlines pure, a tradition Dany's late brother seemingly wanted to keep alive, and when Ned looks like he's falling for it she starts acting more confident by saying they shared a womb together and belong together as if nah actually she's not going to let him try to make her feel shame about it at all and Ned's realized Bran saw them together and she just stares at him like whatcha gonna do about it and then pleasantly but not really asks if he loves his children and he snaps back as much as you love yours as if pointing out if she threatens his kids she has kids too and then drops "and they're all Jaime's" and she keeps on the track of how not-ashamed she is by saying "thank the gods, in the rare event that Robert leaves his whores for long enough to stumble drunk into my bed I finish him off in other ways, in the morning he doesn't remember" lmao @ the epicentre of Cersei's statecraft is wanking her husband off so his heirs are all actually her brothers, probably trained on how to give a good handy on Jaime for years to make sure her plans fall into place (and his cum falls on the sheets), also wonder if this is important to her so she can drop the bomb on Joffrey that Rob wasn't his father in case he ever feels loyalty to his family rather than the Lannisters so he'd hopefully be double loyal after finding out he was a double Lannister, and when Ned says she always hated him she spins a tale about how much she worshipped him and was so glad to marry the king but their disappointing drunk consummation ended with him calling her... by Ned's sisters name lmao and Ned blinks getting a bit shook at the mention of his dead sister, but he wont budge and tells her for the safety of her children her family needs to leave before he tells Rob, who I guess will take the side of the Starks who he still likes rather than the god awful Lannisters who make his life a nightmare, but Cersei just taunts him for not having the balls to take the Iron Throne when making Jaime get off of it after he killed the mad king, which I guess is why Jaime's so bootyblasted at Ned, I'm starting to appreciate all the intricate relationships here since that's what real life is like, too many works of fiction only have 1 protagonist and then the like 4 important people in their lives who get no relationships of their own, when in reality 1 person knows like 100 people and those people all know 100 people and they all probably interact with each other to different degrees and so and and so on, only thing I've read that showed the complexity of social networks well, where even auxiliary characters have their own relationships that have their own history and changes to them, is the Scott Pilgrim comic, where his friends ex will date his roomates ex and his ex will date his ex's ex and shit like that, and Ned says it wasn't a mistake but Cersei says oh but it was, WHEN YOU PLAY THE GAME OF THRONES YOU WIN... OR YOU DIE... THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND! AH YES TRULY WE ARE PLAYING THE ADAPTATION OF GEORGE R.R. MARTIN'S A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE SAGA ONLY ON HBO™ AT 9/8C GAME.OF.THRONES.(2011).S01E07.YIFY.MKV and Ned just grimaces at her title drop meme as she struts off having basically delivered a death threat
then we see CIA watching some cags bathe their children outside and WE SEE A LITTLE 5 YEAR OLD GIRLS NAKED ASS!!!!!!!! AND A 4 YEAR OLD BOYS PENIS!!!!!!!!!! GET THIS FUCKING CHILD PORN OFF MY COMPUTER!!!!!!! NOT EVEN GONNA UPLOAD THE ORIGINAL SCREENCAP OF THIS!!!! fuck I guess it's CIA that's the fucking pedo fucking glass houses and all that mate ok I think that since its probably not even legal for me to see this in this country this is gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 15 from me probably because the only reason this scene is in here is so the casting directors can look at naked kids or some pizzagate shit
and he comes back from the window into his brothel as some whore is doing a very porno performance of getting eaten out by another whore and CIA looks over with a raised eyebrow as if he's not buying her faked orgasms lmao and oh it's Ros who's the one getting eaten out and CIA actually snaps "no no no no! is that what they teach you up in the North?" because she's doing a shit job, heh I bet that scene was meant to be a fake-out where you think oh he's so cool having hot dykes having sex for his entertainment but then he reveals it's basically whore try-outs and they are faking it and not well enough for his whorehouses standards, but it was obvious she was faking it from the get-go since I am an expert in female pleasure from watching hours of BLACKED.com content every day and CIA dresses them down as if they're too dumb to even understand English and makes them start over this time switching gender roles and he reminds them they're not trying to genuinely fool them because they literally just paid them for this they're meant to show them such a good time they forget that they know its fake which takes time and they need to ease into it but both girls are clearly uncomfortable making love in front of this dickhead and CIA coaches them that the angle is the john is winning her over despite herself, which is what he wants to believe will happen anyway, and CIA gets all into it explaining how a man wants to prove he's better than other men when having sex and Ros sees an opening to manipulate her new boss and invites him to join in but CIA says "IM SAVING MYSELF FOR ANOTHER" LMAO THE ONEITIS IS STRONG IN THIS ORBITER is he a fucking virgin too or just a born again virgin, would be quite the kek if all this story is entirely centred around a eunuch virgin and a friendzoned virgin who cant get laid so have nothing better to do than pour all their excess motivation into starting wars just to piss the other one off and Ros says "what she doesn't know wont hurt her" and CIA drawls "a stupid saying, what we don't know is what usually gets us killed" to show his obsession with gaining intel and he describes Cat as "not particularly beautiful, impeccable bloodlines though" which sounds like something an alt-righter would say lel and he says he loved her for most of his life and claims she used to too and starts speaking dreamily about being her confidant and her telling him all her dreams and desires as if even in matters of love he values most learning secrets and then tells them about how he got humiliated by challenging the "Northerner with a jaw like an anvil" aka literally Chad aka Ned's dead brother I presume to a duel since "in the stories the little hero always beat the big bad guy" but he got rekt and Cat had to beg him to spare him because "he's just a boy" and when he died she ended up with his brother "an even more impressive specimen, how could I compare to him? he's just so.... good" he says with a snarl as the whores pretend to climax and he looks on with a sneer as if he's butthurt it's Ned who gets to do this with Cat and he rants about how he learned from that duel he cant beat them at their game by their rules so hes going to FUCK them because he admits that's his nature lmao his whole life is a beta uprising learning to use underhanded methods to overcome all the Chads of the realm who cuck him and as he orders them both to wash as they're working tonight he gives a little smile as if at least he still owns a bunch of beautiful women, some good insight into how CIA thinks about himself and the world but maybe a bit on the nose that a guy so obsessed with secrets would start unburdoning his character flaws and desires onto some untrustworthy, well, cags, who probably resent him and would enjoy selling him out at first convenience
then back at Winterfell we see the wildling woman being a servant and carting a bag of straw around, not sure that's what she meant by how she'd be Robb's I think she was talking about le bagina and it seems like kind of a bad idea to let a bandit who just tried to kill you and your little brother to work in your home but ok maybe an example of how Robb is not an experienced shotcaller yet, and then uhhh I think this is Theon fuck all these guys look the same comes in and starts acting edgy saying where he's from they'd stake her out on a beach and let the tide slowly inch towards her to drown her and this uncivilised uneducated woman just snorts up some snot and asks where the Iron Islands are lmao and Theon gets testy about muh heritage and insists she call him Lord but she doesn't get it and just keeps asking why like a little kid lmao and Theon starts boasting about muh family and she catches onto his glaring insecurities and starts winding him up that he cant be a Lord if his father is a Lord and Theon gets flustered trying to explain but then catches on that she's "having a go at me" and she smirks and calls him a Southerner for being south of The Wall and Theon, who seems to have a thing for feisty gals who'll talk back to him, probably because he consciously likes asserting himself but also subconsciously knows he's not really of high class and gets to externalise this anxiety in a safe environment rather than the nagging feeling that all the dangerous men around him don't actually respect him or his loser family, and they have some more banter until Theon sits down and holds her chin and offers to loose her chain but the old teacher guy catches him getting his rape culture on and asks him if he thinks being a guest or a prisoner need to be mutually exclusive and Theon gets super shook since that's his fucking life basically being a POW they keep around as a pet just because of who his father is and he goes off in a huff and the teacher who seems like a decent man who doesn't want this woman being sexually exploited warns he wont be around next time but she's not worried at all since she's used to far worse men than a dumbass like Theon and the teacher chuckles at her steel and asks why she came down here and she warns him about... the White Walkers
and then back at gay central The Wall, as if reading my mind of the sausage fest nature of this place, Sam says "I miss girls... not even talking to them... I never talked to them... just looking at them" as Jon looks out over frozen tundra from atop The Wall and Sam looks down at what he's looking at and after some squinting sees "riders" and waddles off to raise the alarm but Jon notices it's just a horse by itself running back home fast as fuck as if it's shook so they take the elevator down to see this agitated horse Jon clocks as... his uncle Benjin's horse
then back in Kingslanding the gay brother runs up to Ned with blood on his hands crying about how "we were hunting... and a boar..." hmmmm wonder why that happened off-screen, did he really get boar'd like Sawyers tent in LOST or is this some assassination attempt or some shit, I guess the kino is this power vacume would be caused by literally just random chance and can't be blamed on any one individual or groups intentions as if this is just inherent in the system itself or is meant to be the doings of the gods or some such, well we cut to a sick Rob in bed holding Joffrey's hand so I guess he aint crying fowl yet and he's telling His Wife's Son™ about how he should have spent more time teaching him how to be a man but he was never meant to be a father... yeah you weren't and you aren't mate lmao cuckboiiiiiiii getting cucked by your brother in law like that Adam Sandler movie, and when Ned arrives he tells Joffrey to leave since he doesn't want to see this and Joffrey looks like hes trying to summon the courage to stay but pussies out and runs off and Ned examines his fucked up side that a boar gored him at and Rob has already come to terms with having a lethal infection from the stink, boasts about killing the boar with a knife to the brain and requests his funeral feast to be the biggest ever where everyone gets to taste the boar that got him and everyone stands around awkwardly as if not knowing what to say but knowing they should probably say something while the king is still alive to deal with the whole fucking Joffrey being the next in line but before anyone speaks he orders everyone but Ned out and gets him to write an official decree, with him giving up saying his titles and telling him to fill them in lmao, commanding that.... Ned be the Regent King until Joffrey comes of age... uh oh, guess who's next to taste a tasteless poison, and we see Ned has some very nice hand writing as he offers the paper to the king who urgently struggles to sign it as if he's scared he'll die at any second before getting to put his name on it since he knows his cunt wife will find any excuse not to follow it
and he rests assured that this is at least one thing he did right since even though Ned will hate it more than him he'll do it well, which is kind of true, if you want to be a leader you're probably just a power hungry shithead who'll abuse it to just get more personal power, but if you don't want to be leader your leadership will just be with concern for doing the job right, not serving yourself, kind of like how most admins of forums go insane with power after climbing up the ranks and run the place into the ground within a few months but not me... I've kept rubynet going for longer than Max ever kept ytmnsfw running since I really don't want to be the leader so I rarely ever turn up lmao and my only concern is keeping the place running rather than making sure I'm popular, all my enemies are chased out and all my circlejerk gets what they want or whatever other admins shit up their sites with, also it seems like sometimes the best leadership is to just not do anything at all lmao other than keep the functions of the system running since if you make any decisions one way or another it's probably just one group trying to get you to be bias towards an other, like I remember a meme that's probably complete fake news of some scandinavian country having a government shutdown for 2 years and every metric of the country improved without the government passing any laws and just letting everyone get on with it unimpeded lmao, and then Rob admits Ned was right about Dany, Littlefinger, Varys and his brother are worthless and only he has the sense to tell him "no", and asks him to stop the kill order and try to raise Joffrey to be a better man, and Ned looks down awkward like he knows that little shits already too far gone, but he promises to honor his memory, and Rob just laughs because his reign and even death were a joke and then just asks for something for the pain and to be left to die now, and Ned staggers out to the waiting councilmen and tells them to give him "milk of the poppy" aka some dank ass heroin so he can go peacefully, and the general guy starts blaming himself for letting such a drunk man take on a boar and then sneaky little cunt Varys starts floating... who gave him the wine? as if he doesn't already know, so when the general says it was Incel it makes Ned perk up that he's a Lannister, uh oh, and Varys subtly says oh he hopes the poor lad doesn't blame himself he was only being dutiful knowing what thoughts hes priming Ned for, who limps up to him and orders him to call off the kill order on Dany but he says the birds have already flown
then we see Dany braiding Aquaman's hair as he talks in the gay made up language about how "the stallion who mounts the world has no need for iron chairs" and Dany uses her learnings of their dumb mythology to debate him about how the horse god will ride to the ends of the Earth, which he thinks stop at "the poison sea" since presumably their horses wont drink salt water, but she says she's from those "dirts" beyond the sea, and he corrects her Dothraki and he says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore but she wont let it go, ah welcome to married life mate, trying to find the word for throne, so just says throne in "English", and tempts him by saying it's for Kahls to sit on... or Kalesees or whatever their word for Queen is, but he's not too convinced a king needs a chair and kisses her and walks out
and outside in the Dothraki capital there's a bunch of weird, or at least weird coded for western audiences, customs of people playing exotic instruments, doing *gasp* yoga and feeding a parrot and Dany asks Jorah for help getting Aquaman to understand since their family are the rightful rulers, I guess she still wants to do her brothers mission of taking over Westeros, I don't know why, you'd think she'd just be satisfied living as the most privileged Dothraki or if she doesn't want to be a kept woman anymore come up with a plan to flee, I guess maybe Jorah, who we know is working for Varys, could be talking her into keeping the plan going, but he plays it coy and downplays her aspirations and she starts asking him about dragons again, what the fuck is it with this family talking about their dragon blood, what does that even mean, a dragon fucked a human somewhere far back in their family tree? and then he suspiciously tells her to enjoy the market as he goes to see if he has any letters, and then a little brown shota boy whispers to him that The Spider sends his congratulations and hands over his reward... presumably for getting the brother killed... of a royal pardon so he's free to go home now, and he grasps it struggling to decide what to do with it since he figures if he's getting this then his mission is over... and if his mission is over... a certain Mary Sue is as good as dead
and a merchant tries to talk Dany into sampling some wine, but when he realizes she's the queen he tosses it out and gets... the good stuff, as we zoom in on Jorah clocking what's going on and simmers in inner turmoil as his beta orbiting instincts start to kick in, and when this guy comes down with a barrel one of Dany's guards takes it but Jorah nuts up and tells him to put it down and orders the wineseller to open it, and he tries to say it's too good for the likes of him, but Jorah orders him to open it and drink, and he tries to talk his way out of it but Dany orders him and he pours himself and Jorah a glass and starts egging him on to drink first... but Jorah sees how eager he is and offers him first, and the merchant tries the "I don't get high on my own supply" meme but Dany catches on and orders him to go first and he realizes he has to, takes the glass, nods to Dany, puts it to his lips.... AND THROWS IT AT THE GUARD AND LEGS IT BUT THE GUARD WHIPS HIS LEG LIKE SOME SPIDER-MAN SHIT AND PULLS HIM FLAT ON HIS ACE LMAO lel throught he was going to drink it anyway because he knew he couldn't get away and was going to get tortured and/or executed anyway so might as well take ye olde cyanide capsule or something and at least then they might think he was innocent and didn't know and not fubungle the mission any further
then back at The Wall the general guy is welcoming all these criminals and outcasts but also rich men and highborns and tells them that it doesn't matter because on The Wall they're all one House, which reminds me of how in the US army it doesn't matter what race you are everyone gets along, of course unless you're transgender then get the fuck out and of course unless you're rich then you're probably going straight into being an officer lmao so this barren hellish shithole in a medieval world is more woke than the US military, and Jon's still worried about his uncle and Sam jokes that he wishes he could help a cool Ranger like him but a Stewards no use, I guess he's just like a manual labor guy up there and not an actual warrior due to being an obese neckbeard incel, and the general guy comes down and tells them Nights Watchmen give their life for the realm, not a king or a lord or a house or a woman's life, and reminds them that before they say their vows the penalty for desertion is death, and there's some world building shit where he asks if anyone still follows the old gods, and Jon stands up, and he tells him where he can find a special type of tree past The Wall his faith says their vows in front of or something, again more progressive than the US military that'd probably get you bullied for years if you were a muslim, and Sam offers to go with him but when some other general guy asks why he'd go on a pilgrimage from a different faith Sam converts on the spot from the seven gods to the old gods lmao he's that desperate to keep his one friend and they let him do it, yep he's gonna get brutally murdered by some zombie or something, and as the general reads out everyone's appointments now they're swearing in he reads out that JON IS A STEWARD lmao get fucked and one of the asshole leader guys smirks at Jon as if he arranged that because he doesn't like him being some entitled rich twat or has something against the Starks or some such drama and Jon goes in a huff with Sam to the other stewards as this, oh he is blind, blind old guy tells them their boring servant jobs for the day, and he sends one to One-Eyed Joe in the stables which sounds like a euphemism for a dick or something maybe his job is jerking off the horses, and Jon is told the asshole Lord Commander has requested he be his personal servant, and Jon gets uppity and the old man just tells him this is what being a Nights Watchman means, and Jon has a huge tanty to his friends about how unfair it is and his skinny friend tells him he was singing for a Lord WHEN HE PUT HIS HAND ON MY LEG AND WANTED TO SEE MY COCK and when he pushed him away he said he'd have his hands cut off for stealing their silver (guess that's why you shouldn't hack peoples limbs off for crimes or people will just use it to threaten innocents with, *cough* shithole muslim countries *cough*) so now he's ended up there with no one to sing for, no family and never be inside a woman again, so don't whine about fair, and Sam is like I thought you stole cheese, and he says "think I was gonna tell a bunch of strangers that a high lord tried to grab my cock?" and they they both get awkwardly silent and Sam I think actually purposefully tries to get rid of him by asking him to sing a song but in a nice way as if he's trying to console him and the #metoo guy storms off so Sam can tell Jon, who's looking super awkward as if the guy is right and he has relatively little to whine about, that he might be this guys slave, but this guys the big boss in charge, and that lets him in on all the powerful meetings and letters and maybe he can have his job one day, and Jon whines that he always wanted to be a ranger, which I guess is this worlds marines or something little boys are told are the most badass, and Sam says "yeah and I always wanted to be a wizard" lmao wrong fantasy franchise mate
then back in Kingslanding the gay brother asks for a moment... alone... with Ned, who excuses his guards, and as soon as they leave the brother starts telling him he'll give him 300 men to secure Joffrey away from Cersei that night or it'll be too late for both of them, and Ned swallows nervously as he's pretty much the acting King now Rob is incapacitated and soon to be dead and his first issue is his brother basically proposing they do a coup first before Cersei can, and Ned suggests going to Stannis, but the gay bro claims hes no better and not king material, and then he drops the bombshell, that HE is, and Ned instantly knows what this prick is trying to do, and tries to defend Stannis as a good warrior, but the brother points out that evidently doesn't make a good king I assume referring to his own brother, and Ned just says he wont dishoner Rob by spilling blood in the castle and dragging a frightened child from his bed and tries his best to storm off with his limp, then later at his office he's writing an official order for Stannis (and specifies not his wife who maybe we'll find out is a dangerous lady) to be delivered that he stamps with his wolf sigil, wonder if that gets a crown now, and then CIA comes in and Ned tells him what he no doubt already knows that Joffrey and Tommen are actually Jaime's bastards which makes the third brother Stannis next in line and CIA goes "unless..." and this moralfag by the book dumbass Ned says "there is no unless, he's the rightful heir" and CIA tells him it'd be wiser to let Joffrey stay next in line presumably because he's a spoiled twat who'd be far easier to control than some battle hardened expert tactician and Ned is like "do you have no honor?!" and CIA points out how powerful Ned is, being both Kings Hand and Protector of the Realm, he's basically both Interim President and Prime Minister or some shit, and CIA starts dropping mad epic plans for how to keep the peace by getting rid of Stannis and if Joffrey causes problems "we" just drop his little secret and place the gay brother on the throne, who it seems CIA has at least some leverage over knowing he's gay, and Ned winces at "we", and CIA just smirks that Ned's going to be so easy to manipulate he has such a by the book mentality and straight forward motivation and explains he needs help and Ned's like "that's treason" and CIA says "only if we lose" ehehehe what a cheeky cunt, and I'm sure after all this the real endgame is Ned has a little accident after he's served his usefulness and ol CIA is there to comfort Cat, but Ned wont even get onto step 1 of making peace with the Lannisters because they tried to murder his boy as he holds the assassins blade and CIA tries to talk this seemingly more pacifist guy out of it since Stannis means war but Ned insists "there is no other choice... he is the heir" and then reveals that he called CIA there because he needs him to send the City Guard to reinforce his men from the Lannisters soldiers and CIA just smirks and taunts him that he knows what he has to order but it's dishonerable so he can't say it and he starts spinning the assassins blade so the handle faces Ned as if to imply he needs to start being a real gangsta but also so the blade's pointing to him like some sort of demented spin the bottle game and asks "when the queen orders one thing and the hand another... who do the city guard follow? well who pays them" which would be him I assume he's trying to indicate unless he's trying to play spin the bottle with Ned or something
then back at The Wall Jon and Sam and some lads and a dog are going behind The Wall to go on some dumb pilgrimage to a tree because Jon is a stupid theistcuck and the boys look out into the tundra for their first ever trip behind The Wall and when they get to the tree it's got some super fucking creepy face carved into it and blood, maybe put on by them, crying out of its eyes, and Jon and Sam repeat their vows as the other men stand guard and once they finish they tell him "you knelt as boys, but now you rise as men of the nights watch", and this fat idiot Sam cant even stand up on his own hes so tired from the cold lmao, but the other men still respect him and hug him in congratulations for saying the vow, but then his white wolf runs out of the forest carrying.... a human hand, uh oh
then we see Dany and Jorah discussing how their tied up assassin is going to be executed by being lead behind a horse for as long as he can run until he falls and gets dragged to death, yikes, and Jorah warns Dany that Rob's assassins will follow her everywhere as if to steele her determination to wage war on Westeros, and the Aquaman and his men come in and he looks legit concerned for Dany and then realizes the man who caused this is right there and just glares at him as the guy shivers in fear and then goes over and kisses Dany with genuine affection and then he turns on Jorah who tenses up but he thanks him for saving his wife and gifts him any horse he wants and hugs him, and then he pledges to Dany that he'll get their son the Iron uh chair and conquer the seven kingdoms in front of all his men and they all start cheering him on as he rants and raves about killing the men in metal suits and um I WILL RAPE THEIR WOMEN and enslave their children ok nice and Dany just looks at this absolute savage going off his nut about all the warcrimes hes about to commit for her and its like she's proud of herself for inspiring such devotion but also admires how driven he is, very uh very nice and epic feminist character everyone circlejerks over who is literally in love with a serial rapist and doesn't want him to change, me thinks that Jorah didn't actually have a change of heart and the poisoner was set up to fail by Varys because he knows this guy will spill the beans of who sent him and a close-call will enrage Aquaman to attack Westeros but also keep Dany alive for future manipulations as she's going to be the Targaryen that spearheads this war since if it was just dumbass Aquaman it'd just be a chaotic clusterfuck and not a precise plan they can manipulate and maybe Jorah's conflict was if he should just let her actually get poisoned so Varys plan falls apart and the war is less likely to get as bad as it might
then Aquaman leads his huge caravan of men riding horses out of the "city" as the poisoner is marched, stark naked with his cock flopping out, tied to the back of Dany's horse, and he starts to stumble and fall before they even get out the front gate, also PLOT HOLE THIS GUY IS CIRCUMCISED, since I doubt Westeros is as savage as modern day America and idk if thats the actors real dick or maybe a prosthetic or something dumbass American production designers made cut since cut dicks literally look like died up callous plastic dildos lmao ok now I dont feel bad for this guy getting dragged behind a horse he has already lived his life as a pathetic half-man so it's a mercy to kill him and he's already endured having his skin cut off his body before so its no big deal
then back at Kingslanding a messenger approaches Ned and his bodyguards unsheathe their swords halfway and hold him back as they're on high alert for shenanigans but Ned lets him through and he says "Queen Cersei and King Joffrey request your presence in the throne room" and Ned's like... KING Joffrey? uh oh and the messenger tells him "King Robert is gone, the gods give him rest", rip, Rob was a good character, rather than the usual either all cruel or all dopey King trope that the other characters are trying to depose he was his own well fleshed out character by his end and he really came across well in the writing and the acting like a guy who was more at home as a soldier than some old fat drunk loser forced into responsibilities and a marriage he didn't want but at the end of the day he was still an alright guy and never did anything bad, other than slapping his wife I guess but he should probably get a medal for that since it was Cersei, and then Ned meets with the virgin crew CIA and Varys
who tell him the City Watch is his but also that the gay brother has fled the city with 50 men of his own and an exhausted and sweating Ned gives a deep gulp bigging himself up for the most important few minutes of his life and gimps his way into the throne room as the head of the City Watch tell him they stand behind him and some announcer guy starts giving Joffrey's insane spam titles as Ned and his personal Winderfell guards and City Watchmen approaches up to him sitting on the Iron Throne with his mother at his side past an entire throne room full of Palace Guards, City Watchmen, Lannister Soldiers and the general guy standing in front of them as if it could descend into a bloodbath at a seconds notice and Joffrey orders the counsel to get his coronation ready because he wants to be crowned within the fortnight, lmao this little zoomer wants to get crowned while playing fortnite xD
and starts demanding vows of loyalty from the counsel... but Ned brings fourth the general guy and says no one could question his honor and gives him... King Roberts final will... with his unbroken seal... ye olde metadata checks out... and Joffrey looks at his mother like oh shit and she scowls at Ned like she's not even going to bother threatening him since she knows he wont back down, and the general guy reads out the decree much to Joffrey's shock and when Cersei asks to see it... SHE TEARS UP THE DECREE!!!!! and is like "WAS THIS MEANT TO BE YOUR SHIELD? A PIECE OF PAPER?" WITH A BIG SMIRK oh f-f-f-f-fug and the general guy is like b-but those were the kings words and shes like WE HAVE A NEW KING NOW and Joffrey actually grips the armrest of the throne and goes a bit white as he realizes on his first few minutes as king that this shit aint no motherfucking game and he's in the real big boy shit now and Cersei tells Ned she'll offer him some counsil now.... BEND THE KNEE and swear loyalty to her son and they'll let him live out his days
and Joffrey sits there super tense like this is the first serious moment of his life he can barely handle and Ned just start telling the truth that Joffrey has no claim to the throne making him bark LIAR and Cersei just orders the general to arrest him and Ned orders his bodyguards not to harm the general because he's an honerable man and Cersei smirks "you think he stands alone?" and The Hound, wearing some fucking metal fursuit get-up, draws his sword, and Joffrey stands up and shrieks KILL HIM! KILL ALL OF THEM! I COMMAND IT!
and everyone in the room tenses up and Ned orders the commander of the City Watch that just said he was on his side to arrest the queen and her children and Cersei just smirks at him but the commander keeps his word and orders his men to point their spears at the Lannisters forces and Ned tries to reason with them to lay down their swords for a peaceful outcome but... THE CITY WATCH COMMANDER YELLS "NOW" AND HIS MEN SPEAR NED'S GUARDS TO DEATH
AND THE HOUND JUMPS DOWN CLEAVING THROUGH ANOTHER ONE, IMAGINE GETTING KILLED BY YE OLDE FURRY, THE HUMILIATION
AND WHEN NED GOES FOR HIS SWORD.... CIA HOLDS A KNIFE TO HIS THROAT AND QUIPS... I DID WARN YOU NOT TO TRUST ME :^) looks like getting caught wasn't part of his plan :/
awwww fuck, I was wondering if CIA was meaning the City Guard are paid by him and not maybe the Lannisters but I guess they were... and he really is working for them kek, I feel like maybe a better way to play that would have been instead of le ebin twist of the City Watch betraying him in a big violent eruption it just becomes obvious to Ned that there will be bloodshed that he'll be on the losing side of, so instead of losing all these lives for the inevitable he just surrenders peacefully or something like that to show how honerable Ned is, but I guess the betrayal is important because it shows he's TOO honerable and too trusting of CIA, it's not just that he's an idiot and refused to play along with Joffrey to at least walk out of there unmolested to fight another day he legit thought he could arrest them all since he went in there ready for Cersei to not respect the will, and I like how she points out a piece of paper wont protect him, that's a shout out to all the dumbass Americans who think the constitution protects them when in reality laws go out the window the zeptosecond someone gathers more ability to project force than who wants to enforce those laws and in any civilization above hunter gatherers thats going to be who controls the most capital aka the Lanisters aka THE FUCKING JEWS
Game of Thrones 1x08: "The Pointy End"
spamming charisma checks special edition
First aired: June 5, 2011
we open on Arya training with wooden swords with her training guy and cut to some LANNISTER SOLDIERS KILLING NED'S BODYGUARDS and we go back to Arya's all very precise and choreographed training as she probably imagines battle being glorious and the trainer tells her the probably useless finer points of how to move her feet in flowery poetic language and then we cut to the the pretty clever juxtaposition of what combat is really like of some guy telling some I guess Stark servants to load up a wagon as they're packing up to leave when LANNISTER SOLDIERS RAM THE OLD MAN THROUGH WITH A SPEAR AND START HACKING AND SLASHING THE SERVANTS TO DEATH
wew laddy and then we see Sansa and the Septa, I guess named because she follows the 7 new gods, walking down a hallway as Sansa complains about Arya and her dancing lessons, I guess they told her that because it's not appropriate for a girl to learn to fight, or Sansa is just so dismissive that's what she assumes it is, but the the nun lady grabs her as she hears the screaming and clang of metal and this lady knows whats up and tells her dead serious to lock herself in her room and she runs off as a door buckles and four Lannister men with bloody swords arrive and she walks towards them calmly, getting ready to die if she has to, to talk to them, and then in Arya's training her tutor lies about which way he's attacking to get the drop on her to try and explain not to listen your enemy, but watch where their eyes telegraph where they'll go, and she gets all huffy that its dishonerable as he gives her some more flowery language about the heart of swordplay, I think I'm gonna enjoy whats coming up next since some Lannister guards storm in tell Arya her father wants to see her and as if proving the trainers point their eyes don't exactly match up with their innocent words and they point out Ned wouldn't send Lannister guards and they just laugh and advance towards Arya who picks up her sword and the trainer steps up to defend her and the guard is like FOREIGN BASTARD lmao red cloaks more like red MAGA hats or was it gold cloaks idk and the trainer twats him in the head with his wooden sword lmao ok I thought he was going to get killed effortlessly but THE GUARDS ATTACK HIM AND HE 1V3S THEM WITH HIS TRAINING SWORD BRUTALLY BLUDGEONING THEM AND FLIPPING THEM ONTO THE GROUND AND THEIR LEADER DRAWS HIS SWORD AND THE TRAINER TELLS ARYA TO RUN AS HE FACES THE LEADER WHO SIMPLY CHOPS HIS WOODEN SWORD APART
uh oh and the trainer asks "what do we say to the god of death?" as Arya demands he come with her but she remembers his lesson of "not today" and flees realizing he knows hes about to give his life as he tries to fight this guy with basically just a wooden stake and as Arya flees down the dark hallways with a flaming torch she hears violent fighting all around her not knowing where to go and then we see Sansa running away but... The Hound casually turns the corner and his eyes light up when he sees her and Sansa starts threatening to tell her father... but she realizes that's whats going on and tries the queen.. and The Hound just smiles "who do you think sent me?" and keeps approaching her, then we see Arya at the slaughtered horse and cart crew and looks for her sword but some fat kid catches her intending to get rewarded from the queen for turning her in (when he said "I want you" I thought he was gonna rape her or some shit, also I get the impression that these two characters are meant to have met before by the way Arya reacts to him but maybe it was just a bad take from quasimodo here, but maybe there's a deleted scene or something) and as the fat kid grabs her ARYA RAMS HER SWORD INTO HIS BELLY oh shit girl and as he collapses Arya flees in shock, good, kill all males who grab at females tbh
then in a dark dungeon Ned is chained up and Varys seemingly in secret since he's disguised as a guard comes to him with something to drink but Ned is apprehensive so he drinks it himself complaining "why does no one ever trust the eunuch?" and then tells him Arya's escaped but Sansa has been captured and kept to marry Joffrey and Ned blames Varys for not doing anything to stop his men being slaughtered and Varys just says straight up he ain't no hero and asks why the fuck he spilled the beans about Joffrey having no claim to the throne, should have gone the hole hog and said his father is his uncle lmao, and Ned says she was hoping she'd save her children, I guess maybe he was gambling she'd not want them to know who their father is and back off of Ned lest he spill those beans, and Varys laments its always the innocents who suffer and blames his mercy for killing the king, idk what that means, maybe Rob would have fought harder to live, if that's even a thing, without Ned being nice to him, or someone had Rob poisoned because they knew Ned would be next in power and is a total push over, and then he just tells him straight up he's gonna die and Ned tries to lie to himself that Cersei cant kill him since Cat has her brother hoping or some prisoner exchange, but Varys says "the wrong brother sadly" yeah not the one she fucks and he says Tyrone skipped through her fingers, did he? I guess last we saw him he was leaving the crazy queens mountain palace but was that him leaving alone to go off on his way? Cat didn't think to keep him? or was she stuck there with her sister? or is Varys just lying to take Ned's hope away? well that's what happens and he tells Varys to just get it over with and slit his throat but Varys refuses and goes to leave and Ned asks him with a smile as if might as well be honest to a dead man who he truly serves and he tells him "the realm, my lord, someone must" so maybe he really is just trying to serve the greater good and only playing defensively against CIAs aspirations... yeah right
then back at The Wall they've found the frozen corpse of Othor and Jafar who's hand the wolf tore off but not Jon's uncle, no fucking idea what the fuck this storyline is and feel I missed something about like someone coming to make Jon come back south from his family but I'm not sure there was, and Sam points out they don't smell bad so maybe only died recently, and the general admits "you may be a coward, Tarly, but you're not stupid" and Sam nods like "hey I'll take it" lmao and he orders for the Maestro to take a look at the bodies, I guess that was ye old coroner or something, and then the general guy is reading a tweet and tells Jon to pour him some ale and some for himself and Jon can tell that means its bad news concerning him but follows his orders anyway and the general tells him the king is dead and that his father has been charged with treason for conspiring with the kings brother to keep the throne from Joffrey and Jon cant believe it until he reads it himself and then immediately marches off and the general reminds him his duties are there but Jon grumbles toughly that his sisters are down there and the general tries to convince him they'll be treated gently but Jon's not so sure
and then down south we see a quite smug Cersei sitting surrounded by CIA, Varys and the real old dude across from Sansa telling her her father is an awful traitor which Sansa refuses to believe thinking her father wouldn't do that... because of her love for Joffrey lel, this Sansa loving Joffrey shit is a bit weird, she comes across as a total airhead with zero judge of character, but maybe she's a bit smarter than that and knows no matter who the king is marrying him is the ticket to the best possible life or so she thinks, and Cersei comforts her that they don't suspect her but cant let her marry Joffrey and the old man starts talking shit about how she might be sweet now but who knows what plans she'll hatch in the future this guy seems like he might be completely cucked by CIA and who knows what his angle here is and Sansa begs to be allowed to be a good queen just like Cersei which makes her recoil as if she's looking at a younger more innocent version of herself that thinks all her problems will be solved if she can just marry a king and CIA actually vouches for Sansa, maybe just having the old man put the pressure on Sansa so she'll fold and do whatever they order of her, and CIA suggest she prove her loyalty as Cersei tells her to write to her mother and eldest brother to convince them to come to Kingslanding to swear allegiance to Joffrey, probably just so she can kill them, or at least CIA wants Cat there so she can put the moves on her, and Sansa tries to ask to see her father but Cersei starts turning the screws saying what'll happen to him depends on her brother... which depends on her...
and then we see Robb receiving Sansa's letter as if this is ye olde text messaging but this is probably several days later and the wise teacher guy saying it's her writing... but the queens words... and Robb gets triggered they'd expect him to kiss their arses and declares he'll be going to Kingslanding... but with all his Bannermen, who I guess are land owners who swore loyalty to the Starks and will get all their serfs to ride for them since they don't have a standing army themselves like it seems the Lannisters do, and he sits beside Theon who looks on approvingly, but asks "you afraid?", and Robb looks at his shaking hand and admits "must be" and Theon tells him "that's a good thing... it means you're not stupid", since he's the only one there that's actually seen combat before and knows it's some bigboy shit
then in the crazy queens palace Cat rushes up getting triggered about her not telling her about the letter updating the recent news which she doesn't think is a big deal since Robb wont be able to do shit against the Lannisters and Cat asks for her backing as her little shit zoomer son starts squawking that hes hungry and trying to get her tit out lmao and her sister sends him to a bath and basically tells Cat she's not going to endanger her son going up against the people who probably already murdered her husband and storms off
then we see Tyrone walking down a woodland path with the badass bodyguard guy, called Bronn, oh ok he is still in Cats custody I guess, and he threatens to leave Tyrone if he keeps whistling but and he calls him out that he's sticking with him because he knows he can get him riches and Bronn admits it but says he wont be bending the knee anytime soon, and Tyrone admits he just wants his proficiency with murder and probably in an effort to charm him rather than be basically asking for extortion he says if he ever feels like selling him out he can always beat any price and as if to assert himself keeps on whistling to subconciously hit home that yeah he works for him now
then they're sleeping around a dead camp fire with some wild animal smouldering over it at dawn when Bronn wakes Tyrion up as he hears some rustling in the woods and takes his sword out but out from the mist comes.... a dozen viking looking motherfuckers, and the manlet realizes he'll have to charm his way out of this one and offers them their goat but their leader says to tell the gods Shagga sent them, lol Shagga nice name, do you shag sheep up in the woods mate, and Tyrion introduces himself as a Lannister, and the leader doesn't give a shit and asks how he wants to die, and Tyrion defuses the situation with humor by saying "in my own bed, at the age of 80, with a belly full of wine and a girls mouth around my cock" knowing a rough guy like this probably appreciates vulgar humor and the guy starts laughing and Tyrion smiles thinking he's won him over but not in the way he wants, the leader says "take the halfman, he can dance for the children, kill the other one" oh fuck and Bronn takes out a fucking kukri blade ready to go down fighting but Tyrion grabs his swordhand and yells no no no no no no knowing this is his time to shine rather than a man of violence's and starts telling the leader how rich and powerful his House is but he doesn't believe him so Tyrion goes for demonstrating he's a courageous man who tells it like it is and wouldn't make empty promises by mocking them for hiding in the woods hiding from the crazy queens men with their shitty weapons they can only kill sheep with and the leader gets triggered and SLICES THE MANLETS FACE WITH HIS AXE and Tyrion is like ok failed the fucking charisma check on that dialog tree so he tries handing over a jewel encrusted ring and promises to give him... the whole kingdom of Vale, who's Lords want him dead, so he figures its time for some new ones, and the leader looks up like yeah, he's convinced, so going for the angle of having a common enemy after humor and trying to act tough didn't work since this guy's concerned with defeating his enemies more than any charm or bribery, smart moves manlet and pretty good writing for the tv version of going for the dialog option instead of combat in an RPG lol these dudes even look straight outa skyrim
and then back at The Wall Jon is getting bullied in the kitchen by the asshole leader guy for not only being a bastard but a traitors bastard and JON TAKES A KITCHEN KNIFE AND ATTACKS THE GUY LMAO and the other lads have to hold him back and the asshole guy tells him he'll hang for this and the big head honcho tells him he's confined to his quarters, uhhh dude just tried to kill a superior officer lmao shouldnt he be in a cell or something, nice plot armor
and then in his quarters his white dog, ghost, is barking at the door and he follows it into the Commanders quarters only to find them empty and THE GUY THEY THOUGHT WAS DEAD IS STANDING BEHIND THE DOOR AND HE RAMS JON UP AGAINST THE WALL WHO STARTS STABBING HIM TO NO EFFECT SO HE HEADBUTS HIM, TAKES OUT HIS SWORD AND LOPS OFF ONE OF HIS HANDS BUT THE DUDE KEEPS COMING AT HIM UNTIL JON RAMS HIS SWORD THROUGH HIS CHEST FELLING HIM and the Commander comes in and is like wtf m8 and Jon goes to see him but THE DEAD DUDE STANDS UP AND CASUALLY TAKES JONS SWORD OUT OF HIS CHEST AND DROPS IT
SO JON GRABS THE COMMANDERS LANTERN AND THROWS IT AT THIS ZOMBIE MOTHERFUCKER SETTING HIM ON FIRE LIKE A MOLOTOV FROM L4D SO THEY CAN ESCAPE wew laddy we The Walking Dead now
then we cut to the Dothraki doing some ISIS shit where they are burning down a village, murdering all the men, tearing down its stone idols and carrying their women away and Dany's guard tells her Aquaman will sell some of them for slaves for gold so they can buy ships, them now believing in gold and ships... because of her, and she looks on at the innocent villagers being beaten and corralled into a goat pen, and she orders them to stop and her guard thinks its their crying that's annoying her and says he'll have their tongues cut out and Jorah tries to warn her off but she persists with her order and the Dothraki argue about it but Jorah comes in and saves a woman and Dany takes some other women too as if she knows she cant save everyone and the Dothraki are getting all huffy about it one goes to whine to Aquaman about her taking his "spoils" he was about to mount and Dany just comes out and says it, in a gay fake language, that yeah, she's taking them so they cant be "mounted", and Aquaman tries to convince her this is just how war works and she suggests if his men want to mount them then take them as wives, probably knowing they'll refuse that offer, and the rapist guy is like "does the horse mount the goat?" as if the women are not worthy to marry them and Dany maddogs him and says "the dragon feeds on the horse and the lamb alike" literally some fucking edgy anime shit a 12 year old would say on xbox live and Aquaman smiles at his wife's big balls as she talks down to the warrior and he laughs saying it's her son making her so fierce, she's going to give birth to a fucking dragon or some shit isn't she? and Aquaman sides with his wife and tells his warrior to go find somewhere else to stick his cock, and the guy gets super triggered and challenges Aquaman to a duel for taking orders from "a foreign whore", and Aquaman stands up, telling him he wont get funeral rights, and just walks into his blade letting it cut his chest, and the dude swings at him but he effortlessly dodges out the way, extremely fast for such a big guy for you, and he goes on this big edgy rant about how his corpse will be exposed to the elements and rot away from bugs and shit and takes out his two knives, drops them on the fucking ground like he doesn't need them, rushes the guy dodging all his swings and SLITS THE DUDES THROAT WITH HIS OWN BLADE AND THEN... TEARS OUT HIS FUCKING TONGUE AND WINDPIPE!!!! that's gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 16 since I'm pretty sure that's not biologically possible
and he holds it up for all to see what happens to those who question him and then tosses it in a pile of used meat and then Dany realizes its time to keep this dude on her side and rushes him to worry about how "my sun and stars is wounded" and he looks at the gash he actually gave himself on his enemies blade to show what a mad lad he is and says "a scratch... moon of my life" and one of the slaves actually offers to help but one of the warriors doesn't trust her, calls her a witch and gives her the ol five finger discount, oh wait does that refer to shoplifting? ok he slaps her then, but Dany convinces Aquaman to let her treat him since she knows the rudiments of cleaning and sewing a cut unlike these horsefucking retards
then back in Winterell Robb is talking to a Lord, having brought Theon and for some fucking reason his crippled 10 year old brother too, trying to summon his forces and of course he is arguing about it since all TV show scenes have to have some conflict in them as it's the easiest way to build characters and plots and hell its probably realistic there's lots of scummy people out there who really do just argue non-stop with everyone in their lives, and this dude is having a tanty about how he refuses to march behind a rival of his, and Robb realizes this is a moment to nut up, so he threatens to come after him once he's done with the Lannisters for being an oath breaker, and this dude pulls a blade and starts screaming abuse at him but A DIREWOLF JUMPS UP AND TEARS THE DUDES FINGERS OFF lmao and Robb basically says he should kill him for that but lets just pretend he was going to cut his meat for him and this dude kicks his chair away and looks around seeing if his men will back him up but they all respect Robb so the dude just laughs and says "you're meat is bloody tough!" and laughs at his missing pinky and ring finger like a madlad and Robb grins and starts laughing that he's glad this dudes on his side and he wont have to fight him and Bran just looks at this room full of adult men all laughing in hysterics about a dude having a wolf eat his fingers like wtf is wrong with this world, alright I'm gonna call it here these dire wolves are starting to take the piss, the one attacking Jaime makes sense and Bran's one guarding his sickbed makes sense but it's a bit retarded here that a wolf attacks their landlord and none of his fighters do anything about it as he gets mauled in a room full of his best soldiers seems like a wee bit of the ol deus ex machina
then later that night Robb tells Bran he has to leave without him and he has to stay as the oldest Stark in Winterfell, and then a little brother we've never seen before comes out of the shadows and now it's Bran's turn to try to comfort a little brother, but he doesn't believe he'll ever see their parents again and leaves upset, and then the wildling woman who's kept in ankle chains comes across Bran praying to that same sort of white true with red leaves we saw Jon praying to and it turns out she follows the old gods too and they have some banter about her condition and this uncivilised but experienced qtpi murder hobo warns him that the gods wont protect his brother down south since they cut down all the trees there, and this tree also has a face with bleeding eyes carved into it as if it's a natural effect and that's its sap or something, and I guess the Lannisters or someone who supports the 7 new gods wanted to stop worship of the old gods so destroyed all their trees like some ISIS shit, but as they're talking theology someone comes lumbering up out of the forest... but it's just Hodor... completely naked, with his very large cock hanging out brilliant
and covered in flower or something? not sure wtf he's all white, and the wildling thot giggles and comments he must have giants blood in him, and Hodor smiles like a dumbass, and this woman seems to know he's harmless but it'd be a good idea to butter him up by appreciating his manhood so he stays on her side, until Bran tells him to go get dressed and he waddles off, and once he leaves she gets back to gaslighting Bran about how giants are real up North... and worse, and how all the swords should be going North, not South
and back at The Wall they're burning the corpse of the zombie it seems Jon figured out to kill with fire and Sam says "they were touched by White Walkers, that's why they came back, that's why their eyes turned blue, only fire will burn them" which he read in a book in the library, I guess being a nerd comes in handy sometimes, and he says the White Walks sleep in ice for a thousand years and when they wake up.... well he just hopes The Wall is high enough and they all look up this huge big thing that would give Trump a lethal boner
then we see Cat and her pigtail neckbeard arriving at Robb's armys camp and he delivers the news about the Lannisters armies, one for Jaime and one for Tywin, latest movements that their scouts are reporting on, remember that for when armies start teleporting around at random later on in the show, and all the Lords stand up when Cat arrives as if they respect her more than Robb and all clear out as soon as she asks for alone time, and even Theon gets shoved out by the crazy lord guy who promises they'll ram their swords up the Lannisters BUNGHOLES which is a word I only know from Beavis and Butthead lol and then greets the neckbeard guy and comments how he's "not wasting away" lol fatass and then Cat hugs her son and tries to talk him into letting all these warlords go do the fighting without him but he wont budge and he shows her Sansa's letter, and she realizes she's actually the queen now if she's going to marry Joffrey, and she realizes there's no mention of Arya, and Robb starts to bottle it not thinking his 18K forces are enough and considers just bending the knee, but Cat knows he wont be allowed to leave and it'll have to be war because Tywin had the Targaryen children killed in their sleep when the Mad King fell, and Robb just smiles knowing his mother will have to have faith in him winning this war as it's the only choice to save their family
then we see Tyrone walking through a field with his new bodyguard and the hill tribe savages and they arrive at...
the Lannister army's camp, and Tyrone warns him to wait there, but the leader ain't hearing it and threatens to cut his manhood off- and Tyrone finishes the thread "and feed it to the goats, yes" like the guy is an NPC with only so many edgy threats lmao so Tyrone swallows and says "alright then... time to meet my father" as if he's far more scared of him than these savage bandits and a hint at why he's had to become so silver tongued
and this big squad of about three dozen viking guys march through this tent city to Tywins tent and Tywin sounds annoyed that Tyrone isn't dead like he's heard and he introduces him to "Shagga, son of Dolf, chieftain of the Stone Crows, Timmet, son of... Timmet, ruler of the Burned Men, this fair maid is Chella, daughter of Cheyk, leader of the Black Ears" and we see this nasty ass bitch with necklaces of frostbitten ears around her neck and then he turns to his new bodyguard and says "and her we have Bronn, son off..." and he quips "you wouldn't know him" lissss how very genre savvy of you and Tywin looks at him with a wonderfully subtle mischievous glint in his eyes like he can tell this guy has huge balls to make a joke to a man like him and appreciates a fellow man of such rare will and Tyrone starts giving out all of Tywin's titles and sits down for a drink but Tywin takes it away from him and Tyrone tries to lighten the mood by saying "surprised you'd go to war over me" but Tywin isn't one for merriment and starts admonishing him saying Jaime wouldn't have given into capture so easily and they update Tyrone on Jaime heading off to Cats hometown, Ned being imprisoned, Rob being dead and Joffrey being king, and Tyrone bricks it a bit as he realizes "my sister rules you mean" and Tywin just smiles at him like what else bitch, and Tyrone starts to try to arrange for the weapons he promised the hill tribes but a messenger runs in to update them on Robb's army and Tywin instantly hops up trying to contain a smile as he's ready to cause some carnage and issues his battle orders, walks past Bronn as if he figures they'll meet again and then maddogs the hill tribe leaders and offers they fight with him in return for their equipment, and Shagga agrees... on the condition that the halfman fight with them and Tyrone looks like he's about to shit his pants but his dad just looks at him, all 3 feet, and Tyrone knows the sadistic old cunt will allow it lmao
then at Robb's camp the warlords are arguing about which army to take on first but Robb says either way they need to cross a river controlled by Lord Frey who's supposedly a coward who turns up late for wars when suddenly guards come in with a captured Lannister spy and Robb quickly turns over the map they were placing pieces on to plan for the war as if the guards fucked up bringing an enemy into their HQ but the madlad Lord laughs and says "don't worry son, he wont be leaving this tent with his head" and the scout just stares at them like he's ready, which Robb appreciates, and the older men can tell what hes thinking and say he doesn't have to do it himself, but he orders for him to be let go and edgily goes to the scouts ear and says "tell Lord Tywin... WINTER IS COMING FOR HIM" ebin, many upvotes my good sir, these retard guards really should not have brought an enemy spy in their planning tent lmao, and the spy thanks him as they usher him out, and the crazy warlord yells at Robb ARE YOU TOUCHED, BOY? and Robb just maddogs him and dares him to call him boy again and manages to keep it together as this old guy struts out, an easy reading of that is just Robb is just green and isn't used to ordering executions yet and we'll see him get more and more hardcore but maybe he's actually a mater ruseman and he knows those plans were shit and were going to change them from what they were arguing over so is actually fine with that guy returning to Tywin and reporting their old plans so they waste time travelling to the wrong place
then we see Ned asleep in the dungeon, when a guard comes up and kicks him just to keep him awake, probably on orders from one of the many enemies he has there who know what sleep deprivation does to someone, IRL out of all the crazy torture and drug techniques the CIA researched in MK ULTRA the conclusion was if you want someone complaint... just keep them awake for a few days and they'll drift off into a very suggestible state, kind of a let down really, but of course, like all torture, this isn't very good for getting the truth from someone, you actually DON'T want someone to be overly suggestible when interrogating them because they'll just tell you what they think you want to hear and it's hard not to accidentally lead them on, but like pain compliance torture that's the point and has been since medieval times, to force people into giving false confessions, not actually get actionable intelligence, that's why the greatest boom for torture in ye olden times were periods like the witch hunts or the inquisition, forcing people to confess to things that are literally physically impossible, so the torturers can provide their masters with "evidence" and get paid the quickest way without having to actually learn real facts, and it seems to be the same thing with the modern day intelligence agencies lmao, just force some random goat hearded to say oh yeah al quada works in this village so they keep getting funding and the military gets the green light to go bomb some random shithole and everyone's happy, I feel like I've ranted about this before in a thread, anyway fuck america and fuck CIA in real life and in this show
then later we see Sansa walking into the throne room looking super awkward as everyone stares at her as the old ass man swears in all the new staff and Joffrey and Cersei awkwardly smile at Sansa and we see Verys and CIA watching, and CIA is LITERALLY doing the SAME hands on his belt pose from TKDR from the fucking baneposting memes, jesus christ m8
then the honerable gentleman guy steps up to the throne and Cersei tells him to take off his helmet... and relieves him of his duties, but he says the Kingsguard takes an oath until death, and Cersei says "who's death? yours or your kings?" as if she's giving him a choice to take the latter excuse lest she gives him the former and Joffrey mocks him "you let my father die, you're too old to protect anyone!" and Cersei appoints Jaime as the new head of the Kingsguard and he cant believe they'd appoint a Kingslayer to that position and Varys can tell this is going south so tries to assure him he'll have a comfortable retirement but the old dude wont accept and he starts taking his gear off in a huff saying he'll die a knight and CIA mocks "a naked knight apparently" and everyone chuckles but the general dude DRAWS HIS SWORD, AND ALL THE OTHER GUARDS DRAW THEIRS and the ringing metal sound... that doesn't actually happen irl because scabbards aren't made of metal, bounces around the throne room as Cersei just stands there smiling at him like she doesn't give a FUCK if he wants to retire or go down fighting and everyone stares intensely, especially CIA and Varys, as the guy boasts he could 1v5 them... but he tosses his sword down and Joffrey flinches like the lil cracka bitch he is and tells him to add it to the others on the throne and storms out, and Cersei nods to a guy as if to continue with the proceedings and the guy is about to close the meeting but Sansa asks to speak and kneels in front of Joffrey and begs for mercy for Ned, and Joffrey seems to get off on having her prostrate herself before him, his first person begging him as king, and she starts pleading that everyone knew he was the last kings friend and that he's not a power hungry person who must have been tricked, but all Joffrey cares about is Ned saying he wasn't meant to be king, and Sansa tries to excuse it by saying he was taking milk of the poppy, lmao dude I was just high, and Joffrey thinks it over as if she's getting to him... and Varys seems to take her side... but the old ass man barks TREASON IS TREASON! and Sansa pouts with huge eyes like a little girl at Joffrey and gives him one last beg and Joffrey sits back not knowing what to do having had every decision made by his mother so far and Joffrey decrees that he'll show mercy... only if he confesses and admits he's king, and Sansa promises "he will" as we pan down to the all-encompassing blackness of the Iron Throne, that was an alright episode, just a lot of moving characters around and setting up the battlelines for the next two episodes though, a "housekeeping" episode as the producers of Lost used to say where you need to put everything in it's right place neat and tidy like some Marie Kondo shit
Game of Thrones 1x09: "Baelor"
don't lose your head special edition
First aired: June 12, 2011
we see a close up of Ned's eye flinching as he sees a torch coming since he's gotten used to the guard coming to kick him away but it's actually Varys who's there to bring him more water to keep him alive since he looks like he's about to fucking die from exhaustion, oh, and he's being kept in the dark which is another good way to fry someones brain they found in MK ULTRA, sensory deprivation, people have stayed awake for like 2 weeks and gone completely mental but after being allowed to sleep they went back to normal and I recall had no long term health affects, sensory deprivation however will melt your fucking brain as it starts misfiring more and more with no data to process until it physically atrophies, so again something else not very safe to do on someone you want information from but good to just turn someone into a gibbering wreck that'll believe and do anything you tell them, anyway Varys talks about how when he was a boy he travelled with a band of entertainers, who before they cut his balls off with a hot knife, taught him how to act, and he claims he's just acting the role of the duplicitous court spymaster and isn't really an evil person and Ned just laughs and asks him to free him but Varys reminds him he's no hero either, then Ned gets tired of the flowery mysterious writing in this show and just demands to know who he really is, no riddles or stories, what does he want, and Varys bends down and tells him "peace" and then tells him about how Robb, who I just realized is probably named after King Rob, is marching South to face the Lannisters, and Varys warns Ned to shut up about Stannis being the rightful heir, which is a weird storyline since we haven't even met him yet, and just play ball with Cersei for the greater good but Ned refuses to serve the woman who probably killed Rob, butchered his men and crippled his son, and Varys loses his temper for the first time and yells at him to call off the war and submit to Joffrey for the sake of the realm but Ned's all like "you think my life is something precious to me?" this niggy ready to die for his principals even if the rest of his life probably would be miserable shit posted on The Wall, and he says some edgy shit like "you were raised by actors, you learned from them well, I was raised by soldiers, I learned how to die a long time ago" I guess he means has seen so many people die and by his own hands he's come to terms that that'll happen to him one way or another or that when you're a soldier you have to learn how to let go of your emotional attachments even to your own life and Varys tries one last gambit and asks "what about your daughters life my lord, is that something precious to you?" and leaves with that to ponder... and possibly a threat if he's not as nice as he claims
then we see a crow flying out of a castle that seems to be apart of some big dam but it gets shot down by Robb who intercepts it's letter that's just a happy birthday note but Theon ponders that maybe that's not all worrying about any encrypted messages and they start squabbling about if they should just force their way across this bridge or pay the toll which is a bit daft you'd think such a vitally important choke point would already be controlled by one of the seven rulers and not some random jackass, and when Cat goes to see him I am pretty sure this is the actor that played the squib janitor in Harry Potter lel and he's surrounded by his quite poor looking family that he argues and grumbles at as he sits on a shitty chair in his shitty dank castle and they do what is becoming it's own trope in this show where Cat asks for privacy and he has to usher everyone out including a young girl who's arse he slaps and then he says to Cat "you see that? fifteen she is, a little flower, and her honey's all mine!" and does that thing old men do where they half grumble half chuckle to themselves and that's aaaaaalmost an edgy from me but fuck it 15's still legal in some part of the world in the modern day kek including some places in Europe and the lord basically tells her he aint doing shit because Robb's 20K men are all going to be 20K corpses when Tywin gets to them but he's also not going to hand them over since he hates all the powerful families for refusing to marry from his family again this is a bit retarded that this guy hasn't been replaced by the Lannisters or the last King if he makes moving armies across the land such a ballache fucking dumb plot sorry
then at The Wall the big wig commander is giving Jon a fancy 500 year old sword with a wolf at its hilt as a reward for saving him from that zombie, it was meant for his son but he dishonered his family and fled Westeros, wonder if that's Jorah he's talking about, and he says he's ordered the asshole commander guy to deliver that severed arm to Joffrey to get his attention that the White Walkers are really back (not sure how he could tell the difference between that and just a regular frozen dead persons hand but ok) and it puts some distance between Jon and him, bit convenient that Jon didn't get like immediately hung for swinging a fucking knife at a commanding officer for insulting his father but also happened to save the bigwings life nice plot armor Jon, then outside the men are congratulating him on his reward and Jon pretends to smile but as he's leaving his face drops as he's just playing along and is really miserable about whats happening to his family and when he enters the mess hall the lads all demand to see it and when he draws it for him they grab it and run around playing with it like retarded kids and Jon just lets them and sits down next to a depressed Sam who tells him he saw a raven message about Robb setting off for war and Jon gets even more fidgety to leave, I would usually be suspicious of Sam telling him that as if he's winding him up but I think he's just a fat incel retard lol
then back at Robb's army camp Cat returns and says the lord has agreed to let them through and add his own men to his army... as long as he takes on his son as his personal squire... uh oh, is this dude going to be super inbred and learning disabled or some shit, and Robb just agrees without thinking but she also agreed... that Arya would marry his son Waldron when they come of age, that's gonna be a big yikes from me dawg, but I'm sure they'll find some excuse when they get to it... oh and a third demand, that Robb marry one of his daughters, and Robb knows he'll have to but cant help but ask "did you get a look at his daughters?" hoping they're at least hot as Theon sniggers to himself like a twat and Cat awkwardly says "one was..." and Robb looks worried but just gives in and says "I consent" willing to do whatever awkward shit to get the mission done thinking that's how you be a brave king but this is easy shit compared to what's coming I'm sure
then back at The Wall the old blind man has Jon help him feed the crows and lectures him about how Night Watchmen don't take wives or have kids so they can be bound to their duty, and he asks what his father would do if he had to choose between his duty and his family, and Jon says without hesitating what was right, no matter what, and the blind man says then he's 1 in 10,000, most of us are not so strong, and the messed up thing is he's not just blustering, Ned really is ready to lose everything to do the right thing, and the blind man starts trying to drive home the temptations of a loving family and Jon can tell what hes trying to do because he knows about his family drama and this blind guy opens his eyes and tries to look into Jon's to talk him out of deserting but Jon's not hearing it, so the old man says the gods were kind when they tested his loyalty because he was an old blind frail man already when he got a raven about his family's deaths but what really set him off was the little kiddies got murdered too (here's a fucking idea, don't let these guys get ravens from their homes about all the tragedy and family life temping them to flee this barren hellscape or maybe just let them leave once a year or something on leave so they don't go totally nutso) and Ned asks him who he is, as if getting your family murdered narrows it down by much in this world, and this old blind guy admits... that he's Aemon Targaryen, and he turned down the throne that went to his nephew, the Mad King, oh shit, and he tells him with his sightless eyes quivering that he must make the choice for himself, he wont tell him what to do, but he has to live with it for the rest of his life, like he has, Jon should just kidnap this guy and ride back to Kingslanding and make him be king lmao since technically I think he'd have a higher up claim to the throne that Joffrey but I guess what Cersei said who gives a fuck about technicalities on paper all that matters is who's paying the military which is some realism if I ever heard one, see: every shithole third world country that has a coup every two days
then with the Dothraki Aquaman's passed out on his horse and collapses by the road, and one cheeky cunt says he cant be Kahl if he cant ride, hmmmm me thinks that """"helpful"""" woman might have avenged her people while treating him after she saw no one could ever beat him in head on combat, and Dany tries to order them to camp there but the second in command guy refuses so she demands to see the witch lady or else she'll tell on him to Aquaman
then at Tywins army's camp he is getting updated on Robb's armies status by his generals when Tyrone waddles up doing a good job of pretending to do a bad job of pretending to be nonchalant as if he tries to seem like a harmless goofball in front of his father as the best method to avoid his wrath but it doesn't always work as Tywin tells him him and his wildlings will be... on the frontlines and he tries to hide a smirk as he sees his son squirming in fear, and Tyrone starts trying to explain last night the savages got into a fight that ended with Shagga trying to cut off a dead mans cock lmao what is it with this show and mutilating penises? ah yes americans I forgot and Tywin places the blame on him for "his men" not having discipline and Tyrone just snaps "surely there's quicker ways to have me killed" but Tywin just smirks to himself and says that's the end of the conversation and Tyrone storms off knowing he cant win and when he returns to his tent his new bodyguard has a woman there that he "took from a ginger cunt three tents down" and gives him a cheeky smirk like he fucked the guy up but Tyrone tells him why he'll be dead soon so it doesn't matter and this guy who you'd expect to try to shake him down for money just says "oh well" and then goes to find his own woman since he brought her here to cheer up Tyrone awww what a good mate and then he talks to this whore about how... his mother died giving birth to him, which is probably the real reason his father resents him, not because of his dwarfism, maybe dwarfism causes pregnancy complications, you wouldn't think so since they're, you know, smaller, but maybe their head is super big comparatively or something, and he asks what this woman's accent is, and she just says "foreign" as if to imply she just puts on a fake exotic accent to entice customers, and he asks her not to fuck any other men while they're together in return for safety and shekels which is a bit sad that he thinks this is the only way he can keep a woman by literally paying for it and the woman shows she agrees by dropping her robe and whipping her tits out and straddling him and kissing him of course at the end of the scene so they can easily edit it out, I'd find all this "suspiciously healthy looking for a medieval serf and suspiciously sexy by modern beauty standards woman... gets her tits out to have le sex!!!" cheap titillation shit but they juuuuust get away with it that they're always whores so it kind of adds to the sordid miserable texture of the world where live is cheap but I'm sure most of the audiences misses that reading and just thinks LOL TITS LMAO!!!!
then back with the Dothraki Aquaman is laying in a sweaty fugue state mumbling in a tent, you'd think after long enough of living by retarded ass Black Panther leadership by combat culture every leader would die from infections from slashing their mates rolling around in the dirt and you'd think at one point someone would get an IQ over 60 and not do that anymore but I guess not, although maybe there'll be a dank twist where it turns out the guys blade was poisoned and he was bribed by Varys or something, and Dany cries about how strong he is but Jorah takes out a knife... and uses it to take his bandage off and sees a huge infection coming from the gash in his chest and says he'll die tonight and suggests they flee since they don't honor bloodlines here they just fight for command and the next big dog will just kill her baby so there's no rivals but Dany refuses to leave like the dumb thot she is and then the second in command brings the "witch" in who he thinks did this to Aquaman, and yeah I agree, I get an infection can get bad quick but you'd think he wouldn't be so fucking retarded to cut himself if people died so easily out there from that or self harming to prove how cool he is would have gotten him killed a lot sooner, and the edgy guy threatens Dany for letting the witch do this, and she tries to be edgy back by ranting about dragons, but he doesn't give a fuck and leaves, and Dany suggests Jorah wear his armor, and for some reason Dany trusts this witch and begs her to save Aquaman and she suggests a spell... that you have to pay with a death, and she glances at her belly as if that's her first thought, but then requests his horse, who's fucking smarter than Dany because it can tell he's about to die and should get the fuck out of there, but the men reign him in and this edgy witch gets everyone to leave, with Dany insisting she stay because she seems to genuinely love Aquaman now, but when the edgy witch SLITS THE HORSES THROAT SO HE BLEEDS ALL OVER HIS MASTER, she's like nope.jpg and wanders out
and all the Dothraki are glaring at her for allowing blood magic and dishonering their brony centred culture like that, and the edgy warrior guy elbows a guy trying to stop him, shoves Dany out the way and runs into the tent to kill the witch but Jorah draws his sword to defend m'lady and the edgy warrior CHARGES AT JORAH WHO BLOCKS HIS CURVED BLADE BUT THE WARRIOR SLICES AT HIS CHEEK AND DIVES AT JORAH KNOCKING HIM DOWN BUT HE GETS BACK UP
AND JORAH BLOCKS HIS BLADE BY HOLDING IT BETWEEN HIS ARMORED ARM AND CHEST AND THE WARRIORS LIKE N-NANI?!
AS JORAH SLICES INTO THE SIDE OF HIS HEAD KILLING HIM
wew, I love these short little brutal fights that end in some good gore, reminds me of this pretty obscure heh if I do say so myself show called Banshee that's set in the modern day and has people getting their brains smashed in with dumbbells every episode, and I like the detail of Jorah kills him in the way he warned about, because he was wearing plate armor, which the warrior had never faced before, so had no idea how to deal with someone who could just grapple his blade, adapt or die you sand savage, and then apparently getting tossed to the ground made Dany go into labor so they bring her into the witches tent so she can deliver the baby but there's this ungodly fucking growling sound coming from inside and Jorah just carries her in doesn't seem like a good idea but ok
then back with the manlet he is playing some game with the whore where they hold a burning candle between their forearms to see who can endure it the longest or something edgy I guess this was before Fortnite existed so this is what people did for fun back then and when Tyrone is first to break we see it's the bodyguard guy who put them up to it and they both laugh at him lmao and it's a drinking game where the loser has to drink, never understood that since isn't that what you want to happen, normies are weird, and the cag jokes about how she's not immune to pain just used to it with a giggle, well that's depressing, and Tyrone demands a new game he's good at where he basically invents a version of Never Have I Ever where if he can guess something from their past they drink but if he's wrong he has to drink, but the whore is uncomfortable with that, so he challenges Bronn first, and he guesses "your father beat you" and Bronn drinks and adds "but my mother hit harder", pretty easy guess in this world where it's probably weird to NOT hit your kids, next guess is "you killed your first man before you were 12" and Bronn shakes his head and says "it was a woman" and Tyrone takes a drink pissed that he got it wrong on a technicality and the whore looks at him like uhhhhhh but he explains "she swung an axe at me!" lmao and the next guess is "you've been north of the Wall" - a drink - and the cag asks why - he says work - next guess is he once loved a woman but it ended badly so he never let himself love again... but Tyrone realizes "oh wait that's me" and drinks lmao I think this is his sad way of trying to open up about his feelings, then he turns on the cag but she refuses to play, and Tyrone starts "your mother was a whore" but she makes him drink, he tries again "your father left the family very young never to return" and very very shockingly she tells him to drink, probably a technicality there where she never had a father, and Tyrone gets desperate, squinting at her as if trying to tell if his lie detection skills are being too muddled by the drink, and says "you wish you had another life" but Bronn points out "whole shit stained world could drink off that one" and Tyrone tries harder guesses she used to be a Silent Sister, I guess some sort of nun, but she demands he drink, and she leans forward and says "and don't talk about my mother or father again, or I will carve your eyes from your head" like she's just copying the edgy way men talk to each other in this world, and Bronn smiles at how edgy she is, then its her turn and she just asks him who he was in love with not caring how the game is played since she's pretty sharp and knows how to get them moving on from talking about her and get the manlet to open up to her for further manipulation/make him feel connected to her and Bronn spills the goss that Tyrone used to be married and they manage to nag him into telling the story, with Bronn literally perking up on his elbows and then flopping down on a pillow as if he's an excited highschool girl at a sleep over
this is quite the weird scene to be having between a man and his whore... and his male friend... I guess Bronn loves some good tea in the black twitter slang way as much as real tea, and Tyrone tells the story that he met her when he was 16 when Jaime saved her from being raped when he was still nervous around girls because of his height, as all manlets should be, but he somehow ended up in bed with her and they got married on a whim... until his father was informed, then it turned out Jaime arranged the whole thing and paid a whore to pretend to be a damsel in distress so he could get his big little brother laid lmao, that's pretty fucked up but I guess really nice by Jaime's standards, but Tywin... BROUGHT IN MY WIFE AND GAVE HER TO HIS GUARDS, HE PAID HER WELL, A SILVER FOR EACH MAN, HE BROUGHT ME INTO THE BARRACKS AND MADE ME WATCH OK, THAT'S A BIG OL EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 17 FROM ME DAWG LITERALLY FORCING YOUR OWN SON TO GET GANG-CUCKED, WEW LADDY, I guess this is Tywins fucked up way of trying to toughen his most useless son up so he doesn't fall for sappy ruses anymore and learns the real nature of The Eternal Roastie, and Bronn said he would have killed him and the whore says he should have known she was a whore, and Tyrone excuses that he was only 16, drunk and in love, and the cag points out an actually quite fucking common trope in fiction "a girl who was almost raped doesn't invite another man into her bed two hours later" as if she knows all too well and then climbs ontop of Tyrone for another go and Bronn just leaves awkwardly lmao holy fuck no wonder he thinks he can only pay for female company and no wonder Jaime only wants to fuck his sister, although I guess if they had different mothers maybe Jaime's older than Tyrone and he wasn't the younger boy I was picturing in that story, wait I'm retarded midgo would be younger either way nvm, still nice and edgy detail that was defiantly a backstory put in only for character depth and not at all the demented wank fantasy of a repessed old obese man
then the next morning Bronn awakens Tyrone with a hemlet to the chest and says he's sleeping the war away and he asks the cag to cry for him if he dies but she just says "you'll be dead, how will you know?" like there's no reason to pretend anymore after that and he leaves his tent wearing his little child's armor and little short sword that's a full sword for him and almost gets trampled horses oh jesus and Bronn tells him to just stay low and he wont be noticed if he's lucky and he quips "I was born lucky" as in born low to the ground lmao and he walks to the savage allies hes made and summons the Stone Crows, Burned Men, Black Ears, Moon Brothers and Painted Dogs to rally behind him and Shagga clangs his two battle axes he specifically requested and they all start chanting their support for the HALF-MAN! HALF-MAN! HALF-MAN! HALF-MAN! HALF-MAN! and Tyrion smirks as he's got enough gangsters riding with him to actually survive
but then they all rush into battle...
TRAMPLING THE POOR MANLET IN THEIR STAMPEDE LMAO
and when he comes too later we get a creepy dream-like upside down slow-mo washed out shot of a battlefield full of fallen soldiers with Lannister bannermen riding through as Tyrion is being literally carted through the carnage on the back of a cart and Bronn looks down and lets him know "you're a shit warrior"
as they arrive at the outskirts of the battlefield and we see a huge array of dead bodies and Tywin's forces going about killing the few injured survivors and I think I hear a Wilhelm scream in there, well, that was a good gag, but I'm going to guess they went with it to avoid the massive budget it must take to show a battle of that scale on-screen, and we see Tyrone ask about their tribesmen, and he looks over at the Black Ear lady cutting a screaming victims ear off as men from two different tribes beat a man to death lmao and he quips "good to see they're getting along" and Tywin rides up wearing some almost samurai style helmet and tells him their scouts were wrong, there were 2000 Stark bannermen not 20, perhaps Robb did do that ruse to them by letting the scout go, maybe that's why he asked how many men he counted knowing he hadn't counted their full forces, but they all got rekt anyway, but they haven't captured Robb who's still with his remaining 18K men, and Tywin just rides off as if he doesn't even care to explain further to his useless manlet cuck son
then we see Cat and her pigtailed neckbeard confidant crying tears of joy when she sees Robb arriving on horseback... having captured Jaime! who Cat demands her family back from but he just jokes he misplaced them too and Theon goads them to kill him for taking out 10 of their men in front of them but Robb knows he's more useful alive and as they're about to take him away to chain him up Jaime offers to end the war right now and saves thousands of lives if Robb will duel him "swords or lances, teeth or nails" but Robb says he knows, even in his beaten and bloody state, Jaime would win so turns him down and Jaime just smirks at him like yeah he might be his hostage but at least he still knows he could kick his ass, and Robb mourns the 2000 men they lost I guess to Tywin's army as they sent the majority of their forces after Jaime's army, and he gives this big speech about how "this war is far from over", not exactly inspiring gotta work on that kid
then back in Kingslanding Arya is still wandering the streets and she catches a pigeon and snaps its neck for food but then she spies a pie and begs the seller for one but he tells her to piss off so she offers him the dead pigeon lmao but no sale and she considers just stealing them... but then some kids run past telling her they're bringing the Hand of the King out... and she follows the crowd to the centre of the city and climbs and statue to be able to see... a stage... and a pale and exhausted Ned Stark gets brought out... and he looks out over the cheering crowd to see Arya, but still has enough wits around him not to react, and the crowd screams abuse at him, and he yells to the one loyal man left to him and motions to Arya hoping he'll look after her, and he's brought in front of Joffrey and Cersei and an upset Sansa and a super smug CIA and he starts introducing himself and... he looks at Sansa who nods that this is the right decision... and he starts to confess to treason, and admits to plotting to murder Joffrey, and the crowd screams abuse at him and someone throws a rock at his head lmao, I suppose maybe Varys convinced him to do this thinking it was his best chance to survive and didn't want CIA to get the satisfaction of having him killed and him being kept alive would fubungle his plans, and Arya grips her sword as if she wants to rush to save him, but Ned keeps cucking and declares that Joffrey is actually the rightful king, and Joffrey looks super pleased as if that's all he wants to hear and looks at his mother who gives him a pity smirk as if letting him think one mans deceleration actually matters, and Ned tries to hold back tears as he sells out for his family's sake, and the old ass guy with chains around him asks the King if he'll give justice or mercy
and Joffrey announces to the baying crowd that his mother suggests posting him on The Wall, and "m'lady" Sansa has begged for mercy.... and Sansa smiles as if she's done her duty as a daughter and her prince will make everything alright and Joffrey thinks about it as if he's checking to make sure this is the right decision and goes with.... yeah fuck it lmao and announces BUT THEY HAVE THE SOFT HEARTS OF WOMEN *TIPS FEDORA* SO LONG AS I AM YOUR KING... TREASON WILL NEVER GO UNPUNISHED! BRING ME HIS HEAD!!!! LMAO THE LITTLE CUNT!!!! AND CERSEI DOES THE 300 MEME AND SAYS "THIS IS MADNESS!" NO! THIS!! IS!!!
EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 18
AND THE CROWD GOES WILD AND SANSA SCREAMS FOR SOMEONE TO STOP HIM FINALLY REALIZING WHAT A PRICK JOFFREY IS AND VARYS RUSHES UP TO TRY TO TALK TO HIM BUT CIA JUST SMIRKS AT HIM LIKE "WAS GETTING EXECUTED PART OF YOUR PLAN?" AND ARYA RUSHES THE STAGE BUT THEIR ONE REMAINING FRIEND GRABS HER AND THE EXECUTIONER WHO EVERYONE CAN FUCKING SEE ALREADY PUTS ON HIS HOOD, DRAWS A HUGE BROADSWORD AS SANSA SCREAMS IN TERROR FOR HIM TO STOP...
and the world goes quiet for Ned as he sees the crowd screaming abuse at him but he doesn't care at all... he's just looking over to try and look at Arya one last time... but cant see her... and just hopes that his ally has gotten her out of there... so he just puts his head down not wanting to make it any worse by giving her an excuse to rush up there... and in front of a dodgy greenscreen that looks fuzzy around his hair ruining the shot lmao... THE EXECUTIONER BEHEADS NED STARK!!!!!
with only really that frame showing any gore for like a 15th of a second and Arya is now looking at the world in complete silence as all she can see through the crowd is pigeons flying away... heh that will teach you for killing our friend you little cunt
welp I guess that's why an edgy 13 year old shouldn't be King, anyway just like the golden crown kill I got spoiled on this years ago and in my head I thought it would be more of a gradual build up with Need having meetings with all of the cast members and there being building political tensions where they threaten to kill him if Robb doesn't bend the knee and Ned gets a chance to cuck out in front of the crowd but refuses and then dies for his principals by decree of Cersei to really drive home that this isn't a world for sticking to your morals, where here he dies after giving them up for the sake of his family on a whim from the incel King, this way it seems sort of rushed for the shock of Joffrey's decision, even though it's kind of telegraphed Ned's story is over as he points out he doesn't care to have a life banished to The Wall, but I gotta admit I am enjoying this quasi-realism "this shit has consequences" angle they're going for, which I mean is a futile effort at the end of the day since all stories have to be made up entirely of patterns the audience recognizes on at least some level or you've ended up with simply bad art (and honestly you can have so much realism people don't believe it, e.g. bizarre things happen in real life that you hear about all the time because of their rare nature but if you put it in a story people would reject it because the chances of it happening are so low it would seem like contrived storytelling, like in real life almost every high profile serial killer only got that many kills because of incompetent police overlooking them and then only get caught because they were arrested for some other crime, but if that happened in a movie you'd say oh yeah how likely is it the cops are so dogshit at their job they actually hand the victim back to the killer after he escaped what lazy writing to keep the story going and oh what a coincidence another victim happens to go to the police only about the handcuff left on him by the killer and they happen to not have the key to open it and he happens to decide to take them back to the killers house and the cops happened to barge in without a warrant and the killer happened to have a severed head in the fridge they smelled clearly that would never happen the writer just cant find a way to conclude this section of the story, but that's literally Jeffrey Dahmers life lmao) never mind in this sort of story with 1) fucking zombies and dragons and shit and 2) set in a medieval time period and everyone has perfect teeth and speaks modern day english and shit, and they give it a good job with like the king dying from just a boar attack and Aquaman possibly dying just from a little cut, but if you want actual realism just go read true crime or something or literally play dungeons and dragons where due to a bad dice roll the hero really can just stumble and fall off a cliff and die, but just for the sake of mixing it up a bit from usual American TV where there's always some deus ex machina to keep the good guy around but it's also not just the usual grimdark GOTCHA! BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT CHARACTER DYING AT RANDOM! shit writing you get from people like Joss Whedon at his worst trying to be """"gritty and realistic"""" this actual makes logical sense that this characters actions would lead to this result for him and yeah if this was real life there'd be no getting out of it and he'd just die without his daughter using his ninja skills to rescue him or some shit its just the end for him and it's only shocking because of it's, well, starkness, compared to most tv shows where the shock is coming from oh the hero got through another narrow escape using his wits and intuition against the odds for the billionth time or oh look some completely nonsensical random thing happened that you had to contrive the logic around to allow to take place ebin so uh yeah good this sets the stakes that this universe is basically set on hard mode and every decision a character makes actually matters because them just being our protagonists is not going to keep them safe however it does leave the narrative in the odd place of our two characters closest to protagonists, Jon and Dany, are physically quarantined at the opposite ends of the world from the main plot in Westeros for seemingly seasons and seasons to come, like I'm pretty sure it takes Dany until fucking season 6 to get the fucking boats already to cross the sea, oh well those two are boring Gary and Mary Stus anyway thankfully we have my waifu Cersei to keep me entertained
Game of Thrones 1x10: "Fire and Blood"
RIP george bush special edition
First aired: June 19, 2011
we open with a nicely done but edgy close up shot of the executioners sword panning down with a guard walking by in the background and the baying crowd when we reach the bottom dripping with Ned's blood and in a great detail they have clumps of his hair stuck to it with blood dripping off the strands
and out of focus we see the executioner raise Ned's head to the screaming crowd as we pan down to see Arya being called boy over and over again by whoever this guy is idk if we're meant to recognize him since there are like 200 fucking characters in this show and Arya sees her fathers body being dragged off the stage and Sansa fainting lmao and this asshole starts slicing Arya's hair off to disguise her and keeps calling her boy despite her insisting she's not, I guess the implication being he knows but he's going to disguise her as a boy since she's so ugly lmao and is forcing her to play the role right off the bat with no questions like some reverse crossdressing fetish, I'm sure this will end well and wont have anything edgy about it like a gay pedo trying to see her cock or something
then Bran has another one of his dreams about chasing the three-eyed crow and it transitions smoothly to him getting the wildling slave woman to carry him to where he saw it in his dream on her shoulders irl because Hodor is too scared to go in the crypt and even she is as if she can feel there's some bad jewjew down there and Bran gives her a history lesson about how the Mad King kidnapped Lyanna and Rob fought a war to save her but she died anyway hmmmmm I'm sure that will come in important and then suddenly from out of the darkness there's A MONSTER GROWLS AT THEM AND THEY BRICK IT AND FALL OVER but it was just Rickon's wolf lol trolled and the wildling lady yells at him for not having the dog in the kennels but he, ironically, says to her that he doesn't like chains owned thot, and it turns out Rickon had the same dream of their father being down in the crypt, and the wildling woman tries to explain it away that they're both just worried about him... but they meet his old teacher... and we get a good shot of them from above peaking out of a window looking down onto the courtyard as if it's from the POV of someone spying on them as if there's always someone eavesdropping on the powerful families as the teacher presumably gives them the news, I assume that a lot of this show is simply skipping over the like day that it would take a crow to deliver messages across this vast land lmao, its really weird as someone born in 1990 to imagine a world without instant communication, like for most of human history people had no fucking idea what was happening even in the next village over unless someone physically rode a horse over and told you, which probably explains why social media completely fucks normies in the head since they're not evolved to handle that many social cues and that much information
and then we see Cat at some old castle their forces are staying at and they all bow to her and say M'Lady as the news of Ned getting rekt has gotten to them and she walks calmly into the forest before she breaks down crying but then she hears how men deal with their emotions which is Robb hacking at a tree with his sword as hard as he can in a fit of rage ruining the blade lmao and his mother comforts him as he promises to kill em all but Cat is thinking straight and says they need to get his sisters back first, good acting from him tbh
then back at the Kingslanding throne room there's a bard singing a comical song to the court about King Robs death that includes the line "I'll have your ugly head, you're nowhere near as murderous.... as the lion in my bed" in reference to Cersei's family sigil lmao and she turns the resting bitch face, which it seems at times that Lena Headey was cast specifically for since she always seems like she's just had a pomeranian shit on her lap or something, up to 10
as she looks at this guy whos getting more and more nervous as if he realized this song mighta just been a bad idea and she's thinking she could have him killed with one word as the song finishes "the lion ripped his balls off and..... the boar did all the rest!" and the court is just super awkward standing there in silence like yeah we shouldn't laugh at that... but Joffrey starts clapping and it turns out that the bard, who I'm not sure if this was the previous bard we saw and he actually survived that arrow because it seemed to hit his instrument first, was caught singing that in a tavern... and Joffrey asks which he favors his fingers or his tongue and the man thinks about it and Joffrey threatens to just cut his throat and the bard, maybe trying to use reverse psychology on him and hopefully not getting too smart for his own good or worse getting caught says every man needs his hands your grace, and Joffrey just says "tongue it is" and the man starts begging as the guards grab him and Ser Illin who I guess is the executioner takes out a huge knife and pliers and starts heating them over an open fire with a blank look on his face as if he just completely zones out when doing shit like this it's such a common occurrence to him and the bard begs and cries for mercy but Joffrey is already bored and leaves the rest of the matters to his mother and walks off to talk to Sansa who cant keep her eyes off the bard in the background's pleading being muffled as his mouth is held open and his tongue is grabbed and we don't get a close-up only in the blurred background just like Ned's execution as if this brutality is already becoming a part of daily life that no one focuses on that much under Joffrey's reign of like one day so its fairly artfully done but this is still gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 19 from me
and Joffrey tells her to walk with him and walks off but she doesn't leave until The Hound orders her to and Joffrey starts talking about how when she gets her blood he'll put a son in her "mother says that wont be long" as if he's not actually hit puberty yet and not too fussed about sex other than what his mother tells him he has to do and then Sansa realizes he's taking her to see THE SEVERED HEADS OF ALL THE STARK PARTY THEY'VE KILLED
AND JOFFREY POINTS OUT "THAT ONES YOUR FATHER!"
BUT SANSA REFUSES TO LOOK AND JOFFREY SCREAMS "LOOK AT HIM!" AND SHE SLOWLY LOOKS UP TO SEE... NED STARKS ROTTING HEAD, YEP, THATS ANOTHER ONE EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 20
and Sansa instantly shuts down some emotionally and just stares at it and asks how long she has to look at it, and Joffrey looks surprised like he doesn't know what to do when someone isn't scared of him, so he snarls "as long as it pleases me" and starts to get flustered that she's just standing there unresponsively so he tries to up rub it in by showing her her Septas severed head... EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 21 I liked her final scene where she just walks up to the guards calmly like she's always known when "they" come for her she wont be able to fight and can only try to talk to them and has been ready for years oh and here's a dank meme... that head on the left? THAT'S GEORGE W BUSHES SEVERED HEAD LMAO EDGY, I LIKE IT, BUT VERY IRONICALLY BECAUSE THREATENING TO KILL PRESIDENTS IS NOT COOL OK COUNT: 22 since they just got a box full of prosthetic severed heads re-used from others movies and one of them happened to be bush and no one noticed until some dipshit pointed it out on the bluray commentery and FOX news had kittens over it saying the hollywood liberals wanted to assassinate the ex-president lis, wonder if Kathy Griffin's severed prosthetic Trump head will resurface in some show in a few years time sulis
and then when he gets no reaction again Joffrey tells her once he wins the war he'll bring her Robb's head too and Sansa just says "or maybe he'll give me yours" and then looks at him cold eyed like she just took a crash course in being a hardcunt
and there's a great take from the actor for Joffrey where he literally like stumbles in place as he recoils back for a second and then threatens "my mother tells me a king should never strike his lady" so he just says "Ser Merin?" and HIS GUARD SLAPS HER FOR HIM LMAO
and she looks at him pretending to be upset and defeated... but she looks down off the walkway onto the ramparts they're standing off... and its a big way down, and she walks up to Joffrey as if she's about to shove him off holy fuck but The Hound stops her I guess since it's his job but also he knows she'll just end up dead too so stops her but under the guise of cleaning her bloody lip, and Joffrey asks if she'll obey now and she just acts submissive and he storms off and The Hound suggests that she just play it smart and give him what he wants and leaves her with his cloth as she'll "need that again" and Sansa gives one last look up to her fathers severed head as if refuelling her determination, this is a pretty dank scene where a very annoying boy crazy thot to with one opening of her eyes deciding to become a real nigga rather a punk as they say in american prisons
and back with Robb's forces one of his old adviser guys is arguing that now their guy on the throne doesn't have his head anymore they need to rally behind Renly, the gay brother, and back his claim to the throne, I guess word has gotten out that Ned claimed Joffrey didn't have a real claim to the throne, if only he'd just said "your dads your uncle mate!" as the sword was being swung and this would be easier, but I guess Sansa would be getting beheaded next so he kept it zip, but Robb says the next in line would actually be Stannis and the crowd starts arguing about which one of the two to back, with one of them crying "Renly ain't right!" lol homophobia, and the crazy warlord guy who reminds me of Billy Conolly in his accent stands up and spits at the name of those two kings and starts giving it laldy like a true Scottsman and starts ranting that neither of them should rule over his people from some flowery city in the south and jokes that even their gods are wrong since I guess the 7 are a southern religion they tried to force on the people up North and everyone seems to be agreeing with him that they should rule themselves and this guy dramatically takes his sword out and points it to Robb and declares him the only king he'll bend his knee to and Robb looks almost sad that now he has such responsibility as another lord stands up and fuck the iron throne and declares loyalty to him and Theon simply asks if he'll always be his brother and when Robb says always he swears his sword to him and they all start chanting THA KING A THA NORF some very Scottish history themes going on here and Robb looks at his mother sadly but bravely like he knows he has no choice
then we see Cat demanding from some guards that she be allowed to see Jaime and they take her through some makeshift wooden cells of Lannister POWs to find Jaime tied to a stake and does the "leave us" meme and Jaime starts taunting her that she must have come because she's a lonely widow now and he offers to slip her out of her gown to see if he's up to it and CAT JUST PICKS UP A ROCK AND SMASHES HIM IN THE FACE LMAO and Jaime, proving to be even more a man after my own heart, just growls "oh I do like a violent woman" yeah like your sister lmao this dude fucking rules and Cat threatens to send his head to his sister and Jaime just taunts her to go ahead and do it and Cat claims he's bluffing and scared the gods will send him to hell and Jaime's like "what gods are those? the trees your husband prayed to? where were the trees when his head was getting cut off? if your gods are real and if they are just... why is the world so full of injustice?" lmao *TIPS FEDORA* he's a frokin ebin atheist too I love it but Cat fires back "because of men like you" pretty shit gods then you dumb pagan and Jaime professes "there are no men like me... only me" and Cat decides fuck it why not get it over with and asks what happened to Bran in the first episode and Jaime admits it INSTANTLY "I pushed him out the window" and Cat asks "why" as if hoping to get some compassion from him now he's admitting it but he's like "I... hoped the fall would kill him?" as if it's a stupid question lmao and Cat asks again "why?" and instead of explaining the theory of gravity to her he accepts there's that one thing in his life he can't boast about so just tells her to "get some sleep... it'll be a long war" and Cat drops the rock as if she was considering beating him again but has no wish for pointless violence and Jaime looks relieved as she walks away, but it's the same look he just had, not that he's scared to be beaten, but that she didn't press him on the whole sister fucking thing as that's his one weakness
then we see the gay prettyboy guy sitting naked but he's not talking to Renly he's talking to... CERSEI! >tfw you'll never be Cersei's boytoy, I guess this guy'll try to seduce his way close to power no matter who it is and since he's more cute than sexy he goes for the harmless romantic confidant than seductive lothario angle, and he's nagging at her about what her letter says and if they captured Robb yet and what's "their" next move but she seems to be onto his angle and just tells him "STOP TALKING, GET BACK TO BED" lmao MALE THOT STATUS: PATROLLED, so he does and thats the end of the scene uh oookkkk
then at Tywin's camp he's reading a letter that they have his son, and Tyrion points out Robb isn't as green as they hoped, and one of the advisers says he heard his wolf killed a dozen men and as many horses, and it turns out both Renly and Stannis have taken up against them because of Jaime's capture and his armies scattering, and one of the advisers says "perhaps we should sue for peace", not sure what sue means in this context, just short for peruse? or he means arrange a court where they argue their cases or something? but then Tyrion purposefully knocks over his glass onto the ground shattering it and says "there's your peace, Joffrey saw to that when he saw fit to remove Ned's head", and they all start arguing amongst themselves about trading the Stark sisters for Jaime but the others say that'll make them look weak and the camera zooms in on Tywin's back as he listens to them squabble and he suddenly turns around and yells THEY HAVE MY SON! and then does the "get out, all of you" meme and Tyrion slinks away looking sad that his father cares so much for Jaime being captured but didn't give much of a fuck about him other than for the optics when his father holds him back and then stops him from pouring his own drink as if to treat him like a little child as he pours it for him, but he actually agrees with him that they should have kept Ned alive so they could bargain peace with Winterfell and only have to deal with Robert's brothers, and his dad, seemingly genuinely as if he doesn't love Tyrion but is mature enough to put his resentment of him aside if it'll help the war, and says "I thought you a stunted fool, perhaps I was wrong" and Tyrion quips/laments "half wrong" and points out they need to move lest they be surrounded by three armies, I guess Stannis and Renly aren't teaming up and have two separate forces, odd that we haven't even seen Stannis yet, and Tywin says of course like it's obvious and then says he'll send The Mountain with 500 riders to burn down Riverland for supporting the Starks while they retreat to Kingslanding and he actually appoints Tyrion as the new Kings Hand to bring "that boy king to heel and his mother too if needs be" since he knows what a tricky cunt his daughter is and only Tyrion can match her in wit "and if you get so much as a whiff of treason from Baelish, Varys, Pycelle" Tyrone finishes his sentence "heads, spikes, walls" and Tywin nods approvingly that he's already up to speed with the ways of the edgemaster and Tyrone is shocked to find him chosen and not his uncle and Tywin can tell Tyrion's not fully convinced so gives him the one bit of positive reinforcement in his life by saying "because you're my son" but the second he sees Tyrion getting a tiny bit of real self-respect he adds "one more thing, you will not take that WHORE to court" reminding him of the whole your wife's a whore and getting cucked by an army thing as his face start tripping him again
then with the Dothraki Jorah the extreme orbiter that he is has been watching over Dany as she sleeps with his sword out all night and she wakes and asks for her son but..... Jorah tells her... the boy did not live.... oh well I guess she ate all those horse hearts for nothing, and he tries to break the news that her son was stillborn but cant say it and the witch lady comes in and says "he was monstrous, had scales like a lizard, blind, with leather wings like the wings of a bat, when I touched him the skin fell from his bones, inside he was full of graveworms" and Dany looks at her like shes about to vomit, hmm sounds almost like a description of some fucked up dragon monster at the start there, and the witch says "I told you, only death can pay for life" as if this was part of the spell, however the only magical thing confirmed real in this world is the zombies so she might not have any magic at all and could be bullshiting that the baby was mutated, sacrificed or even dead, it was probably just naturally stillborn and she's playing it off like her bloodmagic did it to see more powerful since she's already got people wanting her dead anyway so might as well seem useful, then Dany has a tanty about being taken to see Aquaman but when she leaves her tent she finds.... almost all the warriors are gone, because they only follow the strong, not some dying gayboi, and Dany finds her comatose husband and the witch says some pretentious flowery shit that amounts to he's fucked mate best I can do and Dany does the "leave us" meme and goes to talk to the witch to bitch at her and the witch is just like hey you burned my temple, your son would have been a warlord, I already got raped by three men and I saw my village getting beheaded and then points to Aquaman saying that's what good a life is when you have nothing left, to be fair she does have a point and probably did just do the killing baby Hitler meme and Dany's a fucking moron for actually getting invested in the Dothrakis absolute savage culture and not just playing along but I guess that's stockholm syndrome for you
then at The Wall Jon is deserting to go kill Joffrey and Sam's warning him they'll kill him for it and is so insistent that he stands in the way of his horse refusing to move so Jon just runs the fatass over lmao
then with Tyrion he's breaking the news to Shae that his dad has a "no cags allowed" policy who takes offence but understands when he starts bitching about what a "cunt" his dads always been and a cheeky Tyrion takes advantage and starts promising she can come be the new Hand's lady to get another ride out of her
then we see Jon haven ridden down from the North when he notices some other Nights Watchmen are giving chase and SAM RIDES HIS HORSE STRAIGHT INTO A TREE BRANCH LMAO and the other men stop to see if he's ok and Jon feels bad about getting his friend her and goes back to see his two mates helping Sam up saying "good thing you've got plenty of padding" rofl I wonder if the hardcore fans of this show appreciate them putting a guy just like them into the show, a fat beta virgin neckbeard, and they warn him he better come back or they'll kill him and start guilting him into it by repeating their vows and Sam dramatically hands Jon his sword he left on the ground and he starts reconsidering noooo don't go back to boring central go be apart of the actual plot these two fucking storylines remind me of like free roaming video game maps like the Just Cause games or the Wildlands map where most of them are just woodlands but the designers feel obligated to put in a mountainy snowy area and a desert area that feels super forced in, that's these characters, GRRM wanted to have stories set in different enviroments and this is what he came up with
then we see Dany bathing Aquaman talking to him in Dothraki about "their first ride" aka her rape and she tries to get him to respond in any way but he's just laying there completely unresponsive, I'm guessing this is going to have some edge where she tries having sex with him to see if that's what gets him to respond or something, but then we see her laying next to him and repeating some love poem they used to refer to each other with and crying and she starts kissing him to no reaction... so she takes a pillow.... and mercy kills him by suffocation, with him barely twitching, hope she doesn't do anything to the witch since yeah he deserved to die lmao maybe when I finally bring myself to watch Aquaman I'll appreciate your acting more but it was all just a bunch of glaring looks helped mostly by his physicality and uh eyeliner and ranting in a pretend language you're not going to be able to grasp as much depth from and I was not too thrilled about his character or his storyline in general since like 1) was like a foreign film but for everyone so everyone on earth needs to be reading subtitles other than the one autist who learned this language someone probably wasted months of their lives inventing when on one in this setting should be speaking English at all anyway 2) him and the Dothraki feel like stock characters of people who never really existed, like they're obviously based on the mongol empire but they were not just braindead savages, they used real battle tactics and real political power to amass control of like the second biggest landmass any human has controlled, and there's just not much engaging about the Conan the barbarian sort of archetype because they're so one dimensional and feel entirely made-up like le swash buckling pirate or le black clad ninja or le gun slinging cowboy when these are stereotypes invented by cinema 3) the whole "Dany falls in love with her rapist" storyline is quite the big fucking yikes, I mean I guess it could be read as her getting stockholm syndrome from having to integrate into their culture to survive but from how fucking contrived her storyline is with not only plot armor like Jon has like most tv show protagonists to keep the story going everything coincidentally aligns to make her special in every situation I am guessing this is meant to be empowering and showing her becoming leadership material by gaining more influence and confidence amongst them but Aquaman's such an underwritten dolt character who acts like an NPC with two lines of code "if_angry=edgy_kill,if_wife=moon_dialog" whatever tragic romance or whatever the fuck GRRM is trying to write one-handed never really worked
then in Kingslanding we see the oldass man who's name or role I never picked up is sitting on his bed talking about all the kings he's served to a woman just out of frame stepping out of a bathrobe and as he talks about the Mad King we see this prostitute get up and clean her pussy by the sink, good stuff, thats the realism I want, no, need, to see and get dressed completely ignoring him and just sitting there bored as fuck lmao but once hes done she asks him what his point was and he's completely forgotten and before he can start up again she lets herself out before he can even get up as if he's too infirm and then... HE HOPS UP OUT OF BED AND STARTS DOING STRETCHING EXERCISES LIKE HE'S NOT INFIRM AT ALL LMAO he just pretends to be way more ravaged by age than he is so people let their guard down around him, smart guy, and then as he gets dressed quick as a fiddle he takes on his hunched posture again and starts limping out his door sulis
then we see CIA brooding by the Iron Throne and Varys slithers up and starts asking him about how he pictures himself up there and in power and he asks if everyone who sneered at him bows to him and CIA just quips "hard to bow without heads" nice, edgy, and he asks Varys what he'd do if he was up there, and Varys says hes one of the few men in this city who doesn't want to be king, and CIA tells him "you must be one of the few men in this city who isn't a man" and gets a big smirk like hes super proud of himself for coming up with that one so fast and Varys just sneers at him disapprovingly like he's such a wanker and says "oh you can do better than that" lmao
and then CIA keeps winding him up asking if they "took the pillar with the stones" and Varys just replies "do you spend a lot of time wondering whats between my legs?" and CIA says "I picture a gash, like a woman" and CIA talks about how he's a foreigner but everyone fears him and Varys asks "do you lay awake at night fearing my gash?" top fucking kek the banter between these two virgins is hilarious and CIA keeps commending him for persisting in staying close to power, and Varys says he admires him too for being from a minor house but having such a talent for befriending the powerful and they just stand there quietly looking into each others eyes like some fucked up friendship where these two guys who's whole lives are about manipulating other people can only truly be themselves with their equally underhanded arch nemesis, bet there's lots of gay slash fiction written about them and there's some kino where the stainedglass windows hovering behind them has the symbol of the seven gods as if both their machinations are causing such change in the world it's almost like the gods are acting through them or some shit
but then Joffrey walks in and they both suddenly snap back from their true conniving personalities to their respectable public personas to greet their new King with their own styles of bows
then we see Arya with her new JUST haircut being told by her new caretaker her name is Arry and her new backstory is she's an orphan he picked out a dungeon and she better be grateful he's doing this for her because half the city would hand her over to the queen and the other half would do the same except they'd RAPE her first, edgy,and he warns her she better piss alone in the woods for obvious reasons or he'll put her in a prisoner transport cage with some fucked up leper looking guys, edgy, and Arya turns around, loses the guy and immediately bumps into some fat kid and his asshole friends and discovers the joys of presenting as male where they immediately start shoving her and the fat kid claims to have kicked a boy to death to scare her into handing over her sword but ARYA DRAWS HER SWORD ON HIM AND SAYS "I ALREADY KILLED ONE FAT BOY, BET YOU NEVER KILLED ANYONE" while looking him dead in the eyes and he starts backing the fuck up real fast until he bumps into an older teenager who threatens to make him sing like hitting his anvil for picking on a little kid and the fatty waddles off in a panic, rekt, and the teen explains there's all sorts of unwanted people like rapers and pickpockets and highwaymen there and he's just there because his blacksmith got sick of him and the ally guy seems to be taking all these people North for some reason, I guess he works taking people to and from dungeons or something, and Arya walks off with this caravan of prison transport horses
and then at The Wall Jon is back being a little cuckboy serving the commander guy who reveals he knows he left The Wall and Jon bricks it but he says if they beheaded everyone who run away for the night there'd only be ghosts guarding The Wall, well worked out well in Return of the King, and at least he wasn't out whoring but for honerable reasons, and he starts giving exposition about more evidence of White Walkers coming back and tells him it doesn't matter who sits on the Iron Throne when they arrive, ok thanks for introducing this plot element in the first season so we know that literally nothing to happen in the next like 7 seasons fucking matters at all until the final confrontation with the most dangerous enemy, and he says tomorrow they'll send a big force North to find Benjin Stark to find out whats going on and we see everyone getting on their horse to go out through the tunnel and he asks Jon so are you a brother of the Nights Watch or a bastard who wants to play at war? and we see Jon riding out with them, idk pretty sure he'll be of no help against zombies you can only kill with fire
then with the remaining Dothraki Dany is having her fossilised dragon eggs placed around Aquaman on his funeral pyre and Jorah is like oy vey goyim you could make so much money from selling them and he starts pledging his loyalty to him like a cuckboy but then he begs her not to kill herself by jumping on his funeral pyre but Dany gives him a kiss on a cheek and turns to speak to the remaining Dothraki, ok actually it's not even them, it's their slaves they left behind, and despite looking like shit she gives a speech about how she is freeing them, except not really their actual captors just said fuck this and left I guess not caring about Aquaman's invasion plans anymore so no need to sell these people, and that they can live with her as equals, and half of them leave immediately lmao, and then to really send some mixed messages she orders Jorah to tie the witch to the funeral pyre, and he's like uhhh I know I'm on a really fucking edgy tv show that can be pretty tryhard at times but... and she's like "you swore to obey me", and he cucks in and marches the witchy woman who might not even be a witch at all and ties her to the pyre and Dany gives an edgy speech about how those who hurt her people will die screaming, pretty sure all these people love this witch lady and she was curing them and their families for years but ok, and the witch yells "you wont hear me scream!" lmao as if to ruin her speech and Dany says "I will!" yeah good comeback you crazy thot and says some edgy shit about how "but its not your screams I want, only your life" as if she's... doing a bit of her own bloodmagic, and then she lights two circles on fire around the pyre that slowly set the main pyre on fire and the witch lady sings some witchy song until yep she starts screaming and Dany smiles at Jorah and he looks at her like uhhhhhhhhhh maybe I have bad taste in women afterall and Dany just smugly walks into the pyre and all the slaves kneel in respect as if she is killing herself but as the witchy woman cant scream any longer and burns to death, which is gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 23 from me since this whole scene is fucking retarded, we see Dany... not being burned at all?
then the next morning Jorah walks through the awakening slaves and comes to the smoldering wreckage of the funeral pyre and finds Dany sitting in the smoke, with her clothes burned off and covered in suit but unharmed, cradling something in her arms and something slithers over her shoulder to reveal... A BABY DRAGON!!!!!
and Jorahs jaw drops and he's like what le FUCK and kneels in awe and we see she has TWO MORE BABY DRAGONS!!!
and stands up cradling one like a baby as the other is on her leg and the one on her shoulder rears up and gives an adorable little roar as all the slaves bow in awe, ok I'm guessing the meme here is she learned bloodmagic works by trading one life for another and her family actually does have the blood of dragons or whatever so she was able to bring the eggs back to life, I always assumed she literally gave birth to the eggs or something and I vaguely remember that in the books she like sits on them like a bird sitting on its eggs waiting for them to watch I'm sure so GRRM can describe her vagina warming up sitting on them but I guess this is like her spiritual childbirth of some sort anyhow, wow quite convenient the dumb shit her brother was saying about their family having dragons blood came true but only for her the family member in this exotic dangerous situation who happened to have some fossilised dragon eggs and happened to learn about blood magic and happened to be able to perform it and happened to have a funeral pyre to poetically perform it on and poetically have someone to sacrifice on it and poetically had just lost a pregnancy that was poetically described to be lizard-like very grounded and nuanced stuff there and Dany is definitely not a Mary Sue, even if all this turns out to be set-up by Varys or something it's still obviously all suspicously geared towards empowering Dany without having to develop her character at all, she could have been a really good character if they had her sloooowly rise up the ranks of just some arranged marriage rape victim to head of her own army over the course of several seasons but she goes from princess in the first episode to taking control of her dimwit husband in the second and then they waste time with her learning the Dothraki ways to have that whole storyline be jettisoned and then in the finale she hyper contrived and conveniently discovers she was born with superpowers, she's definitely my least favorite part of the show tbqh
but that was a lot better than I expected overall, really good production values throughout with the CGI being pretty seamless other than for 2 or 3 shots and all the cool buildings and landscapes, all the costumes and sets and shit look great, like the armor looks like actual metal and not cheap plastic crap and you can tell from each person is wearing their allegiance and class, and the acting is almost all great other than Emilia Clark who has these huge rubber expressions almost like some Jim Carey shit that seem like he's maybe more fitted for slapstick comedy or something lis, and the dialog can get a bit much with everyone talking in metaphors and having to say edgy shit every 2 seconds but I love how almost every conversation is someone trying to manipulate someone else especially with CIA and Varys who have by far the most interesting stories, the edgy shit isn't too bad yet since most of the violence and gore is usually used for the purpose of driving home that this is Realism Bitch™ where people really are trying to kill each other and any injury might be the death of you, and all the sex and whipping out titties is usually in the context of prostitution to the add to the sort of life is cheap atmosphere and I guess that's one big difference of a medieval world without christianity people can whore in the open without it being an underground thing I am pretty sure it was for most of the dark ages (although this culture still has a huge emphasis on marriage like Jon being branded a bastard and I think he's called Snow because that's just a generic placeholder name because he's not allowed to use his fathers which you think wouldn't be such a big thing culturally if they used to be some tree worshiping pegans) my main complaints are mainly the storylines with The Wall and Dany feel so disconnected physically, both have supernatural elements not in the main story and both have such tropey too-perfect Mary Sue protagonists who other characters admire for no reason it's almost like they're in a separate spin-off show or something from grim and grounded political machinations of the morally grey mainland Westeros characters and while I enjoy all the realism of like Ned just being doomed as soon as he went to Kingslanding trying to act Lawful Good and King Rob just dying from a hunting accident it does clash with the fact that his is a fantasy world where like one old guy and his ugly family control the one bottleneck in the country and there's like bloodmagic to bring people back to life but only practised by some weirdos in a desert and I get they're going for a sort of in ye olden times people were superstitious and believed in legends but if they were actually real people would behave fundamentally different e.g. if witches were actually real it wouldn't be a bunch of retards drowning them it'd be powerful people getting them to do magic for them I have a sinking feeling that despite the nice balls it takes to kill off the traditional hero character soon into the story this season might be the best where all the politics and mystery has a clear driving force and tension of avoiding war and it might descend into Heroes style people betraying and switching allegiances constantly just for the sake of twists now that we're left with just morally grey characters already in a war situation but guess we'll find out here we go to season 2
editors note: this thread is so big it just fails to load the preview page if I try to do it all in one post so I'll try breaking it up per season like how I used to have to break up my LOST threads when max goldberg would only allow 10 images per post
Thread: generic ruby literally all of Game of Thrones review thread - edgy, I like it special edition
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