generic ruby literally all of Game of Thrones review thread - edgy, I like it special edition

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Game of Thrones 6x01: "The Red Woman"
GILF special edition
First aired: April 24, 2016

alright we open on a panning shot along the wall into Castle Black and onto Jon's pale corpse as a wolf howls and we see it's Ghost trying to get out of his chuckshed and Davos who somehow didn't hear all the stabbing going on outside comes out to see Jon and he rushes down and he sees he's dead and notices the sign and Edd and some lads run down and thankfully there is not a retarded storyline where they think Davos did it since he's clearly dead ages ago and they carry Jon's corpse inside with Edd breaking down crying that his only friend left and personal hero got murdered and he respectfully closes his eyes as he announces Alliser did it and Davos asks how many they can trust and Edd just says the men in this room and Davos asks "does the wolf know you? we need all the help we can get" but before he can answer THE RED LADY knocks on the door and sees Jon's body and looks super sad and claims she saw him in the flames fighting at Winterfell and Davos, not knowing that she murdered his 11 year old friend, gives his condolences, and then later in the dinner hall the men are all arguing like mad cunts and now Alliser is in charge and tries to take that charge but a man yells out "who killed him?!" and ALLISER SAYS "I DID" AND DOXXES EVERYONE ELSE WHO HELPED and the men scream calling them traitors and Alliser admits he did do treason but never once disobeyed an order as he loves the Night's Watch uhhhhhhh I think Jon would have ordered you not to stab him if he could but ok my duuuuuuuuude and he justifies it by saying Jon was going to completely destroy the Night's Watch, giving the Wildling's the land they raped and murdered on, and he admits Jon wasn't a bad guy and was doing what he thought was right, but he would have doomed them all, I guess he could have let more Wildlings through but this whole thing's fucking retarded as they could obviously fight their way through the 50 guys left lmao



then by Jon's corpse Ghost is sniffing at Davos hand with the missing fingers as if he can tell and then goes and sadly sits by Jon's body as Davos realizes Alliser will have noticed them not attending and will be officially in charge now and Edd insists on revenge but Davos points out they don't have the numbers and Jon wouldn't want them to die for nothing but Edd doesn't give a fuck and is ready to die since it'll probably happen anyway and Davos says they can go get help from others who owe their lives to Jon Snow... and Edd realizes who he means so tells them to bolt the door and he'll be back as soon as he can



then in Winterfell Ramsay is over Myranda's body talking about how he first saw her when she was 11 when she smelled of dog and he wasn't must older but everyone was already afraid of him and looks up to the Maester and reminds him "you certainly were" as he shivers in fair as he keeps talking about how Myranda wasn't afraid of him from working with vicious hounds as a child and remembers "she was fearless, there was nothing she wouldn't do" giving a sad smile and he puts his hand on her head and promises her corpse "your pain will be paid for a thousand times over... I wish you could be here to watch" and the Maester asks if he wants a grave or a pyre for her and Ramsay looks like he's about to break down crying when the question interrupts him and he grumbles "buried, burned? this is good meat, feed it to the hounds" uhhhhhhhhh ok hol up hol up RAMSAY ACTUALLY LOVED MYRANDA? I get that he enjoyed her as a fun playmate but uhhhhhhhh it seems a bit... out of character for him and he just treated her like another source of amusement previously, I get it's meant to add some depth to him but he's clearly meant to be a psychopath who doesn't give a shit about anyone else other than what satisfaction they can bring him not even caring about his own father outside of how he can feed his ego but ok duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude at least the actor did a good job with it like he was surprised to find himself feeling grief which he's never felt before and immediately losing it when the Maester distracts him because he's got such a shallow emotional range



then with Roose he's complimenting his son on his command of the cavalry charge that killed Stannis but when he asks who struck the killing blow Ramsay says he doesnt' know and ironically Roose says he'd have rewarded the man who did it and when his father asks "do you feel like a victor?" and Ramsay can tells his father's no where near actually approving him yet as Roose points out that was easy compared to facing the Lannister army they risk fighting for his marriage to Sansa uh ohhhh and Roose talks about how they need her to rally the North behind them but she's gone because "you played your games with her, you played your games with the heir to the Iron Islands and now they're both gone" and Ramsay tries to play this obvious disaster that's all his fault for being a psycho down by saying "I have a team of men after them with some of my best hounds, they won't get far" and Roose reminds him he needs Sansa to produce a heir "and without a heir... well... let's hope the maester's are right and Lady Walda is carrying a boy" and Ramsay realizes his inheritance is on the line and he'll go back to being a bastard hmmm maybe you shouldn't rape and torture people you need to work with really gets the psychopathic noggin joggin

then we see Reek, sorry Theon again, and Sansa running like fuck through the tundra as they hear hounds barking furiously in the distance behind them and Theon tells her they have to cross through a freezing cold river and she refuses saying she'll die but Theon tells her "I've seen what those hounds do to a person and this way is better" and holds her hand as he takes her through the agonizing cold river as she whimpers in pain but it's nothing to Theon and on the other side he takes her under a collapsed tree I guess he knows from being taken hunting by Ramsay and he holds her close in a hug to keep her warm but also because he wants some intimacy for probably the first time in his entire life but the hounds start barking near them again and Theon says he'll distract them as he's already gone through like 3 different layers of ego death at this stage and Sansa whimpers that she won't make it without him but he assures her she will and tells her to go to Jon in Castle Black uhhh awkward and THEON RUNS OUT IN FRONT OF THE HUNTING PARTY and the leader demands to know where Sansa is and he claims "dead, broke her leg jumping from the ramparts, I left her to die in the snow" but unsurprisingly walking 10 meters away from their target and talking to them does not confuse bloodhounds and they immediately find Sansa hiding lmao



alright some rebel force that supports the Starks is gonna save them aren't they, maybe the Brotherhood, and the leader taunts Theon "I can't wait to see what parts Ramsay cuts off you this time" as they drag Sansa out of her hiding place but then they hear another horse incoming and the leader looks up and sees "IT'S A BLOODY WOMAN?" AS... BRIENNE RIDES IN! SLASHING HIM OFF HIS HORSE OATHKEEPER FOR LIFE BITCH



AND PODRICK THE ABSOLUTE MAD LAD HAS BEEN SWORD TRAINING AND STARTS HORSE TO HORSE DUELLING ANOTHER GUARD AND BRIE TURNS AROUND AND RIDES TO ANOTHER MOUNTED GUARD DEFLECTING HIS BLOW BUT ANOTHER GUARD WHACKS HER OFF HER HORSE AND THE GUARD DISMOUNTS AND KICK HER IN THE FACE AS SHE GRABS HER SWORD AND SHE HOPS UP GRUNTING LIKE A MADWOMAN AS SHE DEFLECTS THE GUARDS SWORD BLOWS AND AS SOON AS HE GIVES AN OPENING SHE SLASHES HIM DOWN HIS TORSO



AND SLITS HIS THROAT AS HE FALLS TO HIS KNEES AND THE OTHER MOUNTED GUARD GALLOPS AT HER FULL SPEED SO BRIE SIMPLY HOPS UP TALL ENOUGH TO GRAB HIM STRAIGHT OFF HIS HORSE LMAO



AND THEON WATCHES AS PODRICK DEFENDS HIMSELF AGAINST HIS GUARD AND PICKS UP A SWORD FOR HIMSELF BUT PODRICK SEIZES HIS OPENING AND RAMS HIS SWORD INTO THE GUARDS BELLY FALLING OFF HIS HORSE ON TOP OF HIM



BUT ANOTHER GUARD WALKS UP AND STARTS FURIOUSLY DUELLING HIM AS BRIE GRABS THE MAN SHE PINNED UNDER HIS HORSE WHO BEGS "NO! PLEASE!" AS SHE SLITS HIS FUCKING THROAT WITH HIS OWN KNIFE



AND THE FINAL GUARD DISARMS PODRICK AND IS ABOUT TO KILL HIM WHEN... THEON PUTS A SWORD THROUGH HIS NECK!!!



and after like 3 years his posture goes from hunched over and tired to standing upright and Sansa sits there hyperventilating from the cold and all this horrifying violence and Theon goes back to her side in case these two mean her harm but Brie walks up and places her sword down at her feed and says "Lady Sansa, I offer my services once again, I will shield your back and keep your counsel and give my life for yours if need be, I swear it by the old gods and the new" and Sansa looks at Theon who nods at her like we need all the help we can get and Sansa says "and vow... that you shall always have a place by my harth and......" and Pod reminds her of the next part of whatever this weird ritual is "meat and mead at my table" and she finishes "and I pledge to ask no service of you that might bring you dishonor, I swear it by the old gods and the new... arise" and Brie picks up her sword and stands up and gives a weak little smile that she finally has her duty again and hopefully it goes better than the last two, or three if you include Ayra lol



then we see the Dornish ship Jaime is on returning to King's Landing, not sure why he didn't turn around and slaughter the four thots on the pier but maybe he didn't realize what happened, and we see NuCersei feeling her new short hair in her chambers when a handmaiden arrives and tells her of the arrival and Cersei gasps "Myrcella!" and skips through the castle super happy to see her daughter again after 4 years and The Zombie Mountain is waiting to guard her as she sees the fancy rowbot arrive with Jaime...



but she can already tell from his body language something is wrong and then she notices..... the body under the blanket in the back.... and she starts crying but like she's not even surprised, this is her life now, and then later as the bells toll for a royal death Jaime's sister asks him when the first time he saw a body was, and he says "mother", and Cersei talks about how she could only think what would happen to her next, but not spiritually... how the corpse would look... would she bloat, would her skin turn black, would her lips pull back from her teeth, and she can't bear locking Mycelle in a crypt for her beautiful face to decay and Jaime gets down on a knee and takes her hand and tries to get her to stop but Cersei is willingly punishing herself saying "I have to, it's not right that she suffers alone" but Jamie assures her "she's not suffering, she's gone, no one can hurt her anymore" and Cersei breaks down crying saying "she was good, from her first breath she was so sweet, I don't know where she came from, she was nothing like me, no meanness, no jealousy, just good, I thought if I could make so good, so pure... maybe I'm not a monster" is it just me or has Cersei literally not done anything wrong so far? she told Jaime to push Bran out the window but it was him that actually did it the absolute mad lad, she was mean and rude to Sansa but who cares with what else happened to her, she threatened to kill Tyrion's lover but never did, she had Tyrion locked up but she legit thought he killed Joffrey, I guess the worst thing she did was turn Loras over to the High Sparrow but that was probably going to happen anyway from her dumb decision to arm them that blewback on her immediately, I guess that's life though, people who are not that bad hate themselves and the biggest pieces of shit think they're great lmao and Jaime tries to take the blame but Cersei says "no I knew this would happen, the witch told me years ago, she promised me three children and she promised me they'd die" lmao not this dumb shit again, are they seriously going to have Cersei acting crazy now because she just accepts it as fact that Tommen will die soon? not to mention that Valar Morghulis bitch everyone's children die she didn't specify if it wouldn't be as an old man and she starts ranting about how it's prophecy and fate and when Jaime tries to talk reason she says he gave a prophecy with Tywin died that people would try to tear them apart and they did and she should have listened to him and Jaime grabs her and swears "FUCK PROPHECY, FUCK FATE, FUCK EVERYONE WHO ISN'T US, we're the only ones who matter, the only ones in this world and everything they've taken from us we're going to take back and more we're going to take everything there is" ok don't forget your remaining son lmao and also I take it she updated him on the whole you know... religious cult taking over from the royal family and making her march through the streets naked while people threw their shit at her issue



then we see a septa reading the not!bible to Marg still in her cell about sinners burning in hell and she asks to see Loras but the septa just says "confess" not even telling her how he is telling her "sinners don't make demands, they make confessions" and she snaps the book shut and is about to beat her with it when the door opens and the High Sparrow and calls Septa Unella, the cunty one, out and he handwaves her away as overzealous and tells Marg that Tommen misses her and tries to get her to confess again but Marg insists she has nothing to confess and the High Sparrow asks her if she thinks she's truly without sin but Marg admits "none of us are" and the High Sparrow says "you have started down the path, but you have many miles to go" and leaves her

then in Dorne Doran has managed to get to his feet and is being walked by Elly up the stairs of his palace as he talks about how he used to envy Oberyn for how vibrant his life was while he's burdened with responsibility, ironically Oberyn was probably jealous of his authority and would have given up his adventuring life to switch places but that's life, and Elly tells her he'd have been a shit adventurer and Oberyn would have been a worse ruler and he jokes to the Sand Snake Slut, or Triple S as I'll call her until I remember her real name, that her mother is a smart woman, and then the supposedly greedy Maester comes up to hand a note informing him of Myrcella's death so THE SLUTTY SAND SNAKE STABS THE BIG BLACK BODYGUARD IN THE BACK, NOTHIN PERSONEL NIG



AND ELLY TAKES OUT A DAGGER HIDDEN IN HER BRACELET AND STABS DORAN IN THE HEART



AND THE MAESTER BRICKS IT AND LEGS IT SO THE SAND SNAKE THROWS HER DAGGER INTO THE BACK OF HIS NECK INSTANTLY KILLING HIM



AND DORAN TRIES TO GRAB AT ELLY BUT SHE JUST THROWS HIM OUT HIS WHEELCHAIR and starts deriding him "when was the last time you left this palace? you don't know your own people, their disgust for you, Elia Martell raped and murdered and you did nothing, Oberyn Martell butchered and you did nothing, you're not a Dornishman, you're not our prince" and Doran moans "my son Trystane...." but Elly scoffs "your son is weak just like you and weak men will never rule Dorne again" as he bleeds to death wow how convenient the entire populace and his own personal bodyguards support a coup even though he's done nothing but keep the peace in Dorne that's ravished their Northern neighbours quite epic very nice writing and not some comic book shit you'd see in Into the Badlands, I'm gonna say some real sexist shit but here we go: this feels like it was written by women lmao, it seems like whenever female writers start working on a genre property like say Dexter or Punisher: Warzone it becomes extremely goofy since most women seem to find genre material just silly and amusing and don't get that men unironically find this shit exciting and interesting and they just play up the most surface level shock value and wacky twists while ignoring the more grounded character and narrative dynamics behind it, but no these are just men who are having to come up with their own ideas now that GRRM has run out of books for them and it's fucking ridiculous



then we see poor Trysten or whatever his name is on his boat I guess about to just sail back home but first he's painting the stones with eyes for Myrcella's funeral when there's a knock on the door and he thinks it's the servant and says "I'm not hungry" but IT'S THE OTHER TWO SAND SNAKES and the asian one tells him "we're not here to feed you, we're here to kill you" wait wait wait... was that his family's castle? so he is back home? then why's he painting the stones for Myrcella's funeral? he's just doing that to express his grief or something? uh ok and the asian one with the whip tease him "you want her to do it... or me?" oh my don't make me fap to this goofy writing please, personally I'd request to get double team snuffed



and Trysten being quite the Chad says "we are family, I don't want to hurt you" since they're his uhhhhh... cousins? and Obara snorts, who I think... changed actresses? I don't even care anymore, but the asian one demands "her? or me?" and Trysten takes out his sword and orders "you" at her and she purrs "good" and Obara taunts "smart boy" and relaxes to watch Trysten circle around in front of her sister who readies her whip but OBARA JUST RAMS HER SPEAR THROUGH THE BACK OF HIS SKULL AND OUT HIS FACE LMAO and the asian gets huffy that she stole a fun fight from her and whines "you're a greedy bitch you know that?" and storms out leaving Trysten's corpse bleeding out on the floor of his cabin, kinda hot tbh, just fuck the entire show up and have it be nothing but the Sand Snakes killing everyone in erotic ways thanks



then in Meereen Tyrion has decided that he can't rule from the top of an 800 foot pyramid and is walking around amongst his people (who have no idea who he is lmao) but Varys isn't so sure about that and gives a passing freed slave a dodgy look as Tyrion assures him "we'll be fine" very dumb and out of character since Varys prides himself on being able to blend in anywhere but maybe he's just trying to manipulate Tyrion to be more careful and he warns him "you walk like a rich person, I used to steal from people like you when I was a boy" and Tyrion memes "it's a good thing you're not a boy anymore........... because you have no cock" and Varys looks down like wow goodone dickhead and he comes across a poor woman on the streets with a baby and Tyrion takes out coins and says in Valyrian "for the baby, to eat" but she recoils in fear and Varys says "she thinks you want to eat her baby" lmaoooooo and explains to the poor poor woman in far better Valyrian who takes the coin and bows her head in thanks as Tyrion awkwardly walks off and they find the old KILL THE MASTERS graffiti which has had MYSHA IS A MASTER written under it since the people hate Dany for beheading that one guy and not, you know, the actual masters for massacring an entire stadium of what must have been hundreds of people on both sides and Varys awkwardly does his hold habit of wrapping his robe around himself but with his cape that looks weird as they discuss how it was probably the Sons of the Harpy but it might have also been the freed men and they follow a poor man to find a group of them listening to a man in a red suit preaching that the Lord of Light sent Dany to them and urges them to fight for themselves now she's gone and Tyrion explains a lot of freed people feel she abandoned them and in a very cringy line very obviously put in for new viewers who have no idea what the fuck is going on and only watch it because it's popular without even catching up on the old episodes like at least I'm doing Varys expositions what Tyrion witnessed himself and he fucking didn't "well she did ride away on a dragon and hasn't come back" right thanks and Tyrion walks through an empty city centre lamenting how everyone's too scared of violence since "no matter who you are someone in this city wants to murder you" even though it's literally just one guy who murdered a SotH and they're indiscriminately killing anyone but Both Sides™ I guess since this conflict is extremely underwritten despite having two fucking seasons in this shithole and of course someone is le spying on them le mysteriously and Varys deduces that their attack at the arena was too well planned for them not to have a leader that he's already hunting for but then they hear people screaming in the distance and bells ringing and civvies running through and Tyrion looks up like here we go again and they walk towards the screaming to find... A HUGE FIRE yeah right they wouldn't have been able to see the smoke from that from the city center and Tyrion finds ALL THE SHIPS IN THE HARBOUR HAVE BEEN BURNT DOWN and he laments "well we won't be be sailing to Westeros anytime soon" uuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh GET THIS FUCKING DANY STORYLINE OVERWITH ALREADY!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!



speaking of a dumb storyline Jorah and Daario finally get to the quite Scottish-like location Drogon landed in and they find a ram's skeleton he'd scorched and eaten and they discuss if Dany just got tired of being queen and wants to fly far away "where there's no men like us" but Jorah laments "I've been all over the world, there's no escaping men like us" ugh patriarchy right? and Daario asks Jorah why he keeps coming back to her and he grumbles "you know why" and Daario asks him genuinely "isn't that frustrating? wanting someone who doesn't want you back?" and Jorah admits "of course it is" and Daario tries to compliment him by saying he's a romantic and he hopes he'll be like him when he grows old but Jorah snaps "IF you grow old" pointing out he's a dumbass who'll get himself killed soon but then Jorah sneaks a peak at... the greyscale that's spreading up his arm, meaning he'll probably die before him, but then they come across a huge weird circular pattern in the grass and Daario asks "an army?" but Jorah corrects "a hoard" as he can tell only the Dothraki would ride horses like that and they look in the centre that Dany stood in to find... her ring, ah I guess she dropped it to let Jorah know she was there to help him find her, there was a white rock in the background that I thought was gonna be her dress to imply they stripped her naked or something but I guess not yet

then we cut to a shitty desert with a huge hoard of Dothraki riding through to a mountain top and we see they have Dany tied up and making her march along with all their civilians and A DOTHRAKI RIDER WHIPS DANY TO KEEP HER MARCHING heheheheeh yeah get owned bitch, literally and they laugh at her when she looks worried at them and one asks the other "maybe she saw a ghost? my friends mother saw a ghost and her hair turned white" and his friend tells him "PINK PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF THE SUN" WE WOKE TWITTER NOW BOIS and he proposes "it hurts their skin, this one stood in the sun too long and her hair goes white" and the other ponders "THINK SHE'S GOT WHITE PUSSY HAIR TOO?" not knowing Dany can speak Dothraki lol and he asks "you ever been with a woman with white pussy hair?" and his friend memes "ONLY WHEN I WAS FUCKING YOUR GRANDMA" lmaooo and he just chuckles and kisses obnoxiously at Dany and tells her in Dothraki "I'll ask Khal Moro for a night with you" and his friend says "pretty eyes, but she's an idiot" I guess for getting lose in the plains by herself and the creeper notes "she doesn't have to be smart to get fucked in the ass" and Dany looks away in disgust clearly understanding what they're saying and the more sensitive man for a savage killer that is says "I like to talk when I'm finished, otherwise we might as well be dogs" sounds like Dany has a new white knight to save her



and she looks up (thought she was hearing horns but thats part of the score lol nice shit sound design) to see the hills full of the tents of this tribe with thousands of members and later we find them coming to her having been left by a pond in the middle of a camp and they march her to a large tent and presents her to a dodgy Aquaman cosplayer who's their leader and his adviser lusts "look at her lips" but his jealous wives warn him "blue-eyed women are witches" "cut off her head before she casts a spell on you" and he jokes that "even if I was blind if I heard my wives say "cut off her head" I'd know she was beautiful" and getting us right back into the cringy conan the barbarian dialog he says "I'm glad I'm not blind, seeing a beautiful woman naked for the first time, what is better than that?" and his idiot advisers propose "killing another Kahl?" "conquering a city and taking her people as slaves?" "breaking a wild horse?" and the Khal is forced to say "seeing a beautiful woman naked for the first time is among the five best things in life" as his idiot friends wont stop answering his rhetorical question and he goes to tear open Dany's dress but she says in Dothraki "do not touch me" and everyone bricks it and look sate ach other and Dany does her insane titledrop memes in Dothraki and everyone just stares nervously but then MORO JUST LAUGHS AT HER and everyone relaxes and he takes her head and tells her "you are nobody, millionth of her name, Queen of Nothing, slave of Khal Moro, tonight I will lie with you and if the Great Stallion is kind you will give me a son do you understand?" and Dany tells him "I will not lie with you and I will bear no children for you or anyone else" and one of his wives says "I warned you she was a witch, cut off her head!" but Moro likes her and Dany reveals "I was wife to Khal Drogo, son of Khal Bharbo" (I think I just realized a twitch streamers DnD character was named after that guy, shoutout to Chad and the Barbos, Midori did nothing wrong) and Moro bricks it and says "Khal Drogo is dead" and Dany reveals "I know, I burnt his body" and recoils saying "forgive me, I did not know, it is forbidden to lie with a Khal's widow no one will touch you you have my word" and he slits her binds OH HOW CONVENIENT THE WARLORD RESPECTS THE DEAD LEADER WHO'S MEN LOST FAITH IN HIM AND ABANDONED HIM EN MASS AND BELIEVES THIS RANDOM WOMAN SHE WAS HIS WIFE VERY CONVENIENT and Dany asks to be taken back to Meereen in exchange for a thousand horses but he says "when a Khal dies there is only one place for a Kaleesi" and his wives perk up knowing this is what might happen to them but what will happen to Dany sooner "Vaes Dothrak, the Temple of the Dosh Khaleen" ok that narrows it down "to live out her days with the widows of dead Khals" and Dany's face drops AND HOW DID THIS WOMAN WHO AS A KHAL'S WIFE AND GOT REALLY INTO LEARNING ABOUT THEIR CULTURE NEVER LEARN OF THIS AT ANY STAGE ESPECIALLY WHEN HER HUSBAND WAS DEATHLY ILL? THIS WOULDN'T BE... SOME RANDOM BULLSHIT YOU JUST MADE UP NOT IN THE BOOKS WOULD IT?



and back in the streets of uhhh some city there are a lot of beggers filling up a path most people ignore and we find... blind Arya begging with a bowl in rags, lmao rekt, and when she hears people walk past she offers the bowl, and a man sees she's blind so feels sorry and gives her a coin, and she overhears men saying "who'd go there after what happened to that Kingsguard?" "probably had it coming!" "maybe so but I'm not risking it" lol rip that establishment and Arya notices that if she's just sitting there listening a lot of people share some pretty personal conversations when they think they're walking by strangers in public and then what sounds like the cunty girl asks her "are you listening blind girl? do any of them talk to you? no... so sad" so I guess she wasn't the one who poisoned themselves for an epic prank and we see that it is, and she tosses a staff to Arya making her drop her bowl and whacks her with hers and goads her into sparring and Arya whines "I can't see" as the girl effortlessly knocks her down and walks out the way of her swipes and slaps her in the face repeatedly and Arya gets mad and tries to swing but the girl just keeps knocking her down over and over again but Arya keeps getting up until the girl says "see you tomorrow" and walks off smug, ok thanks for the training, and Arya sits there miserable

then in Castle Black Alliser has realized what's going on and has his men aiming crossbows and bows and arrows at Davos door, who I guess narratively is just going to be Jon's adviser now, sorry I mean uhhh Edd's lets pretend Jon isn't coming back, and when he knocks on the door Jon's few remaining friends draw their swords and Ghost snarls, and Davos hears Alliser bait them out saying they're both knights and he'll honer him by granting amnesty to any brother who throws down their swords before night and let Davos go with a fresh horse and Davos takes the piss by adding "and some mutton?" and Alliser is like "whu?" and Davos memes about how he's "not much of a hunter" and Alliser looks around at his men who scowl ready to rock and Alliser agrees and says he can even take the Red Woman with him... or leave her there, but he warns they better surrender before nightfall it it ends with blood, and Davos swallows knowing they're realistically fucked either way and swallows hard and tries to thank him for his consideration without letting it sound in his voice how scared he is so Alliser storms off mad and Davos warns them "boys, I've been running from men like that my whole life, in my learned opinion, we open that door..." "they'll slaughter us all" "they wanna come in" "they're gonna come in" the men chip in anxiously but Davos tells them "aye... but we don't need to make it easy for them" but they think Edd is their only chance and Davos realizes "there's always the Red Woman" and we cut to the lady in question doing her favorite hobby of starring at fire when she looks over at a mirror and looks at her warped reflection on this shitty polished metal mirror and then she starts taking her dress off to examine her breasts in the mirror, what is she doing a breast cancer check or something, and she looks sad and takes off even her necklace which I guess was casting some sort of illusion because THE RED LADY IS ACTUALLY AN ANCIENT OLD WOMAN!!!



and she looks at her warped body in the warped mirror and there's some uhhh really bad CGI to age up the actresses face and put it on the old as fuck body lol as she goes to bed in her true form, maybe that necklace is actually keeping her from dying of old age or something and now she has nothing to live for with Stannis rekt so wants to die naturally now or something, wait.... hang on... I can.... uggghhhh I can feel something.... a p-p-plot hole..... DIDN'T WE SEE THE RED LADY WITH HER NECKLACE OFF WHEN SHE TOOK A BATH IN FRONT OF STANNIS WIFE? or maybe the necklace just helps her keep the magic spell up and she can do it without it if she wants for a bit or something, idk the writing has gotten so silly that I don't care that much about theorizing anymore so will just say a Duke Nuken meme: HELL, I'D STILL HIT IT





Game of Thrones 6x02: "Home"
rez plz special edition
First aired: May 1, 2016

after like 2 fucking years we finally get back to Bran's storyline since they had caught up to his journey in the books by the end of season 4 so just left him out of season 5 but now it's time to fuck this shit up too with DnD's own ideas and we pan over the old guy who I think changed actors sitting in his tree throne with Bran laying at his feet lmao he's been stuck there unable to walk for 2 years and a crow is flying about as they are both warging with their eyes white and we cut to two little boys training sword fighting with wooden equipment and I guess maybe it's Robb and Jon training or something and Bron and the old creepy guy are watching this flashback together from the ramparts but no the older boy is Ned and he's helping up "my uncle Benjen" oh my god this Benjen that we've never seen, he's not the guy who kicked CIA's ass is it? and the much older looking now Bran looks at all the citizens of Winterfell going about their normal lives and notes "they were all so happy" and the old man notes "so were you once" and then a teenage girl rides a horse around them and Bran says "my aunt Lyanna, I've seen her statue in the krypt, my father never talked about her" god who's this... this is the Mad King's... l-lover? who he was chating on Oberyn's sister with? and King Robb loved her too so he and Ned teamed up to take down the Mad King mostly for her or something? and Jon is his secret son or something and Dany's half brother? I can't keep track of all this family tree bullshit, and the old man goes to talk to her but Bran has seemingly teleported down to the ground to watch the kids more closely and HIS ANCESTORS INVITE BRAN TO SPAR



much to his shock as I guess the memories are not meant to interact with him unless he's actually time traveling or some Hiro Nakamura shit but I guess it's more this isn't the exact events that happened but like past events expressing themselves in his imagination that he can accidentally change on no wait they're talking about another boy called Wylis behind Bran ok false alarm hela ebinnnnnnnn and Bran turns around to see a very overweight tall boy and Bran realizes "HODOR?"



and the old man nods and Hodor is apparently not mentally disabled yet and holds a normal conversation with Lyanna about how the other boys fighting styles and Bran gasps "hodor talks!" and it actually looks like he has a scar on his forehead idk if this is some dumb shit where he has it as an adult that I never noticed but they changed how he gets his brain damage that it wasn't from something that could give him a scar so had to explain it away as he already had it as a boy from something unrelated ebin but as huge Hodor, or Wylis, is about to fight lil Ned a middle aged woman stops him and Benjen moans "oh Nan look at the size of him, if he ever learned to fight he'd be unstoppable!" but Nan insists he's just a stable boy and Bran enjoys seeing his loved ones in happier times and asks "just a little longer" as he's getting addicted to video games



but the old man puts his hand on his shoulder and forces him awake back to his paralyzed body stuck in some creepy cave and he looks up to see SOME FUCKING ELF WOMAN WHAT THE FUCK KINDA STAR TREK SHIT IS THIS? and he whines "you finally show me something I care about and you drag me away?" and the old man who I think the main difference is someone gave him a fucking beard and hair cut tells him "it is beutiful beneath the sea but if you stay too long you'll drown" which I think is a metaphor for the land of the dead since most of those people were rip'd and Bran whines "I wasn't drowning, I was home..." and the crow flies away and the elf lady and old man look around awkward as he's falling to temptation and he looks up at Hodor and calls him "Wylis" who sighs "hodor" to confirm and Bran asks "I saw you as a boy, you could talk, what happened?" uhhhh not sure you'll get an answer and Hodor goes "...hhhodor?" as if he doesn't remember that himself and he asks "where's Meera?" and Hodor nods his head in her direction and says, you guessed it, "hodor" and carries him out through a door that's actually leading out of the cave and puts Bran down behind Meera who's staring out into the frozen landscape and he warns her it's not safe but she says "it's not safe anywhere" and Bran tells her proud "I saw that Hodor was not always Hodor" and Hodor proudly says "hodor!" like he's glad someone finally gives him credit and he explains "his real name is Wylis! and he could talk and fight and-" but Meera snaps around angry and he asks "what's wrong? the three eyed raven says there's a war coming" and she snaps "and we're going to fight it in there?" and scoffs at him clearly booty blasted about not avenging her brother and Bran just looks up sadly at Hodor knowing she needs time to herself and Hodor gets the hint and takes him back inside, I wonder what the fuck these people have been eating, just veggies from the tree I guess, and out of nowhere a girl says to her "Brandon Stark needs you" and she looks over to see the weird elf lady, who I guess is a grown up version of the little girl throwing grenades around? who they have seemingly not only recast but covered in wacky make-up, I guess that's to make her closer to the books but it's a weird change, and Meera moans about him just having visions and nothing happening but she tells her he won't stay there forever and it's out there he needs her, and Meera sits there staring out at the horizon knowing she's right and Bran can't just have Hodor carrying him through a fucking warzone without someone to defend them



then back in Castle Black with the very fucking dumb and retarded storyline where Alliser with like 43 men under his command can't siege one fucking room with like 6 guys in it but I guess they're scared of the wolf or something and he starts nagging him to open the door again as if he's a father with a child having a huff and locking themselves in their room and Alliser tries bargaining that "we'll even set the wolf free North of The Wall where it belongs... no one needs to die tonight" but Ghost is growling as he can sense it's gonna kick off anyway and Davos confesses to the lads in there "I've never been much of a fighter" but grabs a sword anyway and says "apologies for what you're about to see" and draws his sword and so does everyone else and Alliser hears them so orders a man to start beating down the door with a big hammer and the men brace themselves and Ghost starts snarling but... then there's a loud thud... at the front door... and the archers turn to aim at it and WUN WUN KICKS THE MAIN DOOR IN LIKE IT'S NOTHING AND ROARS AT THEM AS HUNDREDS OF WILDLINGS STORM IN WITH EDD AND TORMUND



AND ALLISER ORDERS "ATTAAAAACK!" AND TORMUND EFFORTLESSLY DEFLECTS, KNOCKS DOWN AND KILLS THE FIRST MAN TO COME AT HIM AND EVERYONE BACKS THE FUCK UP AND ALLISER SCREAMS "FIGHT YOU COWARDS!!!" SO A MAN SHOOTS HIS CROWSBOW INTO WUN WUN'S BACK... WHO SIMPLY PULLS HIM OFF THE BALCONY AND KILLS HIM BY SLAMMING HIM INTO A WALL AND TOSSES THE BODY IN FRONT OF THE OTHER MEN WHO ALL DROP THEIR WEAPONS AND SURRENDER LMAO



hmmm very convenient a second instance of the cavalry arriving to save the clear good guys from the clear bad guys very exciting writing that's definitely not different from the first half of the show and Alliser staggers forward to growl at Edd "you fucking traitor!" but Edd tells him "the only traitors here are the ones who shoved their knives into their Lord Commander's heart" and Alliser goes on a rant about how Castle Black has held against wildlings for thousands of years and Tormund reminds him "until you" and OLLY RUSHES TORMUND WITH HIS SWORD RAISED SCREAMING LIKE A MADMAN AT THE MAN WHO MY LAI'D HIS VILLAGE BUT HE JUST GRABS HIM AND THROWS HIM TO HIS MENS ARMS and they grab Alliser too and Edd says "throw them into the cells where they belong" and very out of character Tormund takes orders from literally the 7 Night's Watchmen left and doesn't just kill these guys who obviously will try to fuck his people over first chance they get from being extremely butthurt at them and then Edd takes him to see Jon's dead body and Tormund notes "took a lot of knives" as he'd like to think the man he fought through an army of the undead with didn't go down easy (even though what actually happened is he just stood there like an idiot letting them knife him lmao) and he just mutters "I'll have my men get wood for a fire, bodies to burn" and storms off



then in King's Landing a drunken man is telling a bar full of people laughing in hysterics "right so there she is, high and mighty Queen Cersei, tits and arse jiggling in the breeze! all of a sudden she looks my way... gives me a little smile like "well?" so all right you know I've never been shy and I'm blessed down south! so I pull it right out! she's never seen anything like it! I mean she's used to her brother and from what I hear Jamie Lannister's half an inch shy of an inch! she sees it and I swear to the gods... she licks her lips! well you all know me you know I wouldn't lie about this!" well one I don't think anyone but Cersei has seen what Jaime has going on and two I guess this could be a commentary on how people always say women being abused actually liked it and three the man goes for a piss and he's at least not lying about being gifted down there but then there's heavy footsteps behind this man as he relieves himself and he turns around drunk out his mind and his urine starts making a tinkling noise as he pisses against... a knight's armor... and he looks up to see THE UNDEAD MOUNTAIN



WHO INSTANTLY KILLS HIM BY SMASHING THE BACK OF HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WALL



and he just storms off like it's nothing, uhhhhhhh send him to go kill the High Sparrow lmao, and then in Cersei's room she's nervously pulling threads out of her dress when The Mountain comes stomping into the room and she notes the blood spray on him as he stares blankly at her out of his helmet so she just walks out the room and he stomps after her to find her confronted by a group of 13 Lannister guards and she orders them "get out of my way" and their leader says "King's orders Your Grace" and The Mountain steps forward causing him to fucking brick it as this guy somehow got more scary and he explains Tommen wants her to remain in the Red Keep for her own protection and Cersei realizes "you're barring me from attending my own daughter's funeral?" and the man nervously confirms eyeing The Mountain and Cersei says "I would like to speak to my son" and the leader says "he has left the Red Keep, Your Grace" as The Mountain grips his sword and him and all his men grip theirs and eye each other scared and The Mountain simply looks at her for her orders but she walks back up the stairs so he emotionlessly looks at the men and turns around stomping back up the stairs



then in the Sept Tommen and Jaime are over Myrcella's body where Tywin laid before her and Joffrey laid before him and he comments "she grew up" at the sister he hadn't seen in years and he Jaime says "almost" as she never got to become a woman and Tommen asks "have we caught Prince Trystane's killers?" and there's just silence as Tommen reveals "I suspect it was mother" and Jaime says "she wouldn't do that" and Tommen frankly says "yes she would" and Jaime cant deny it but asks "are you angry with her? why didn't you let her come? she has every right to be here" and Tommen shamefully says "they told me she wouldn't be allowed in the Sept... if they had tried-" but Jaime assures him "they're not putting your mother in a cell ever again, not while I'm here, why haven't you gone to see her?" and he just looks anxious and Jaime reminds him "everything she's had to endure she did it for you" as she's the last child standing and he yells "don't you think I know that?!" and catches himself that he just raised his voice to his uncle and probable father and Jaime is shocked to hear his nephewson raise his voice at someone for the first time in his life and Tommen says "I'm sorry... but I can't... when the Faith Militant seized her and Margaery... what did I do? when they paraded her through the streets like a whore, what did I do?" and Jaime assures him "we all fail sometimes" another line that could be ready differently if he'd forced himself on his sister at that very spot but we're well past the point of that shit writing by now and Tommen whines "the king is supposed to be the Protector of the Realm if I can't even protect my own wife or my own mother what good am I?" and Jaime advises him "go see your mother and ask her to forgive you" and then... the High Sparrow enters, and he greets them "Your Grace... Lord Commander" and Tommen tries to find his balls and demands/whines "I want to see my wife!" but he says some christfag shit about it being up to the gods and Jaime warns/orders "go and see your mother Tommen" as he stares straight at the old man and Tommen glances at Myrcella one last time and walks out realizing it's Real Nigga time and Jaime snarls "you're a bold man" and the High Sparrow chuckles and says "on the contrary... I fear a great deal, The Father, The Mother, The Warrior..." and chuckles as he looks at him as he fits that archetype and he walks up to Myrcella's corpse that I now notice has had her organs taken out and displayed in jars beside her body lmao and he asks "do you know why we use these stones?" to rip-off the Ancient Greek tradition of putting pennies on someones eyes to pay for passage to the otherworld? "to remind us not to fear death... we close our eyes on this world and open them on the next" and Jaime has been glaring at him the entire time and growls "you must long for the next life" and the High Sparrow chuckles "in truth I fear that too" and Jaime grumbles "you imprisoned and humiliated my sister" and the High Sparrow blames it on her saying "your sister sought the gods' mercy and atoned for her sin" and Jaime taunts him "what about my sins? I broke a sacred oath and stabbed my king in the back, I killed my own cousin, when the gods judged my brother guilty I helped him escape their justice, what atonement do I deserve?" as he marches up into the face of the man who represents all the hypocritical moralizing he fucking hates about this world and unsheathes his sword by an inch and High Sparrow murmurs "you would spill blood in this holy place?" probing for any faith in him but Jaime just assures him "oh the gods won't mind... they've spilled more blood than the rest of us combined" and the High Sparrow smirks thinking he sees Jaime's true nature and dares him "GO ON THEN, I DESERVE IT, WE ALL DO" and Jaime's shocked and then glares at him trying to figure out his game but the High Sparrow means it he's ready to go any time any place for his faith and tells him exactly what he thinks about this fucked up world "we are weak, vain creatures, we live only by the Mother's mercy" and then he hears something behind him and turns to see...



THE SEPT STARTS FILLING UP WITH ARMED SPARROWS and Jaime advises "they should be closer if you mean for them to save you" and the High Sparrow smiles saying "I don't, they'd never reach me before you struck" and Jaime realizes they're only there to punish the sinner who murders him and Jaime lets him know "I've fought against worse odds" yeah with both hands and the High Sparrow notes "no doubt many of us would fall... but who are we, hmm? we have no names no family, every one of us is poor and powerless, and yet together... we can overthrow an empire" oh shit... he's ye olde Bernie Sanders, and he just walks away knowing he's safe ok these are two great actors and everything but... WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF THIS ENTIRE SHOW BEING ABOUT PEOPLE FIGHTING OVER THE IRON THRONE IF WHOEVER SITS ON IT ACTUALLY HAS NO POWER? I know this goes into the theme of Varys asking who has power, the king, the rich man or the holy man, but uhhhhhhh Tommen comes from the richest family in the realm, has a personal army we've just seen are loyal enough to stand up to a fucking zombie Mountain and in a non-retardedly constructed universe King's are there by divine right in the first place so have the backing of the most influential religion anyway, this whole thing's fucking retarded and some old hippy and his cult shouldn't be able to overthrow the King of the most powerful country in the world JUST ORDER YOUR PERSONAL ARMY, CITY GUARDS AND LEGIONS OF BANNERMEN TO FUCKING KILL THIS GUY AND HIS GANG OF UNTRAINED HOBOS WITH CLUBS oy oy oy



then we see Cersei staring out of the Red Keep at the Sept and fidgeting with her lions necklace like the one Myrcella had when useless cuck Tommen turns up asking "mother?" and she... walks past him to put her necklace down and asks "did they put her in the red gown or the gold?" and he says "gold" confirming the retarded plotline about the witches prophecy and Cersei just says "good, it was always her color" and maybe also some subtext of red is the Lannister's favorite color and gold is I guess Dornish so it's her saying she suited living there better and Tommen says "I'm sorry for keeping you here, I shouldn't have, but I was... I didn't want to lose you again" and Cersei says emotionlessly "I understand.... I'm glad to see you" and stares off outside not even looking at him once and Tommen goes up begging "I know I should have come sooner, I wanted to, I was wrong" and Cersei doesn't turn around and just says "it's all right" but Tommen can tell "no it's not, I should have executed all of them, I should have pulled down the Sept onto the High Sparrow's head before I let them do that to you as you would have for me, you raised me to be strong... and I wasn't, but I wanted to be... help me" and Cersei finally turns to Tommen and she looks at him disconnected as if she doesn't want to face the reality of losing her son if she lets him stay weak as her enemies tear them apart or losing her son as he has to end up becoming fucked up like his brother and father and grandfather to try to stay with her and she can't help but whisper "always" and gives in and hugs him close



then in Meereen we pan up from the toppled Great Pyramid Harpie statue they just left there and inside Varys tisks at Tyrion pouring another glass of wine and he memes at him "if I lost my cock I'd drink all the time" and Varys instantly dabs on him by looking over at... Grey Worm, and Tyrion cringes realizing he can't make those jokes that is just banter between friends now in front of someone else with that condition which is kind of like how you can make racist jokes with your black friends but then you accidentally say it in front of a new black friend and realize oh shit I sound like a total shithead lmao, and Tyrion sighs "meaning no offence!" and explains "he makes dwarf jokes, I make eunuch jokes" and Varys clarifies "I do not make dwarf jokes" but Tyrion accuses "you think them!" and Varys sighs as this little gremlin and addresses "so... the fleet, it's been burned" and Grey Worm says no one saw anything ah yes very convenient to reset the plot ebinnnnnnnn and Varys tells Tyrion the good news that "Astapor and Yunkai have stopped asking us for aid" but because "the masters have retaken both cities" oh.... "outside of Meereen the whole of Slavers Bay has returned to the slavers" and Missy and Grey Worm, two former slaves, share a worried glance, and Tyrion asks about the two dragons they have under the Pyramid but Missy says they haven't eaten since Dany left and Tyrion surmises it's because of their captivity as Dany's ancestors kept dragons in pens until they were no larger than cats and inquires if the dragons ever harmed Missy and when she says no he claims some maesters say they are even smarter than men and "have fondness for their friends and fury for their enemies" and claims he can make them his friend by giving them supper, and down in the crypts Varys looks scared for the first time in the show as he watches Tyrion descend into the darkness with a flaming torch and he bigs himself up as he hears a metal chain scraping... and ooooh I'm waiting for the juuuump scaaaaaaaaare he hears a scary purring and he looks back at Varys who just shrugs like your idea dickhead and then he sees.... two giant heads in the darkness... and ONE OF THE DRAGONS LIGHTS UP IT'S THROAT READY TO SPRAY and you can see it has two little pipes at the side of it's throat as if it sprays out some flamable liquid or gas to spread the flame it somehow gathers at the back of it's throat



but Tyrion backs the fuck up real fast and it sees he's not a threat and closes it's mouth and he looks over at the second one that almost looks the size of Drogon when compared to him and he whimpers through the fear "I-I'm friends with your mother" as they grunt and moan at him confused and when he tries to approach one it growls at him so he stops and says "I'm here to help... don't eat the help heh" and it grumbles at him as if it likes someone talking to it again so he goes on "when I was a child an uncle asked what gift I wanted for my name day I begged him for one of you "it wouldn't even have to be a big dragon" I told him "it could be little like me"" and he lays down his torch as he moves around the dragon's head going on "everyone laughed like it was the funniest thing they had ever heard, then my father told me the last dragon had died a century ago, I cried myself to sleep that night" as he closes his eyes realizing this might be the moment he dies but he dares to reach out and... touch the dragon... that just lays there letting him as they're lonely down there, and when he opens his eyes to find he's alive he goes on "but here you are..." and he decides yolo fam and pulls the pin on the dragon's colar which it immediately pulls off and when Tyrion looks to the side THE OTHER DRAGON'S IN HIS FACE but it... turns to the side... expecting him to free it too... clever girl, and Tyrion realizes they are at least fairly intelligent so he goes up to it as carefully as he dares and then pulls the pin out and watches as they strut around with each other glad to be free of their restraints and Tyrion picks the torch back up and realized he's pushed his luck so walks as fast as he can back to the entrance as Varys stares slack jawed at what just happened as his little friend asks him "next time I have an idea like that... punch me in the face" and Varys nods as if he's right and they rush out as they hear the dragons snort and scurry around with their new freedom



then in Braavos Arya looks like shit on the same street corner when the bitchy girl asks "what's your name?" and she sits upright knowing what will happen and gets immediately smashed in the jaw by her staff and she still has hers so steps forward to fight and the bitchy girl asks "what's your name?" and Arya snaps to where she hears her voice and says "no one" and the bitch says "I don't believe that" as they're doing some fucked up Reek training on her to let go of her old identity and Arya angrily attacks where she last heard the girl but she's already to her side and pokes her calling her out "you don't believe that" and Arya attacks her new position only to miss and get poked and she tries to chase the girl who dodges easily again and keeps smashing her down to the ground and Arya gets so angry she stands up and just screams and flails her pole around angrily in every direction but the girl is long gone and after like 10 seconds of flailing at empty air impotently Jaqen grabs the staff and asks "who are you?" and she claims "no one" and Jaqen offers "if a girl says her name a man will let her sleep under a roof tonight" and Arya tries "a girl has no name" and Jaqen tempts "if a girl says her name a man will feed her tonight" but Arya says again "a girl has no name" and Jaqen sighs as if he doesn't want to do it but tempts "if a girl says her name a man will give her eyes back" which would be cruel if it wasn't le ambiguous question to what the right answer is, maybe the name she's meant to give is "no one" rather than "Arya" like she's saying the right thing, but the way the actor is reading it it sounds like tempting her to give up, and maybe the it's some brainwashing shit to make her not sure what the right answer is but just keep saying "no one" until she starts to believe it to avoid the stress of not knowing what to say, and Arya almost cracks but sticks with "a girl has no name" and Jaqen tells her to come with him and when she goes to get her begging bowl he tells her "leave it, a girl is not a beggar anymore" so she creeps after him



then we see Roose being told of the bodies of their best hunters being found by the new Lord Karstark and Ramsay has already deduced that she must be going to Jon as her only ally left and when Roose dismisses that he's a bastard Ramsay reminds him "so was I" as if to say he could rise up too and Karstark warns he'll never have the North as long as a Stark is free and Ramsay suggests just attack Castle Black since they barely have any men left but Roose snaps "murder the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch? you'd unite every house in the North against us!" and Ramsay stands there blankly and says "we don't... need every house in the North, the Umbers the Manderlys and the Karstarks command more soldiers than all the other houses combined... with their support none could challenge us" and Karstark says "the Starks lost my house the day King Robb cut off my father's head, it's time for new blood in the North" and Roose gets a weird look as if he's thinking yeah you'll get blood but he warns his son "if you get a reputation as a mad dog you'll be treated as a mad dog, taken out back and slaughtered for pig feed" which is true people who rule by fear rarely make it to the second generation before they get executed, murdered in the street or assassinated like Saddam, Gaddafi or Osama (of course not being liked by America also doesn't help) but then the maester turns up to announce "my Lords, Lady Walda has given birth... a boy! red-cheeked and healthy!" very happy with himself and Ramsay gets a far off look like oh well it's fucking kill everyone time then and Karstark gives his congratulations and Ramsay realizes he needs to keep up appearances and hugs his father his congratulations and says "I look forward to meeting my new brother" and Roose can probably tell he's thinking some evil shit and tells him "you'll always be my first born" trying to keep him from getting too butthurt and Ramsay struggles to keep his composure as he says "thank you for saying that, it means a great deal to me" as it does but probably not in the healthy way and RAMSAY STABS ROOSE IN THE CHEST!!!



that actually made me flinch because I didn't see it coming right there even though he'd obviously kill him at some point I just wasn't expecting it literally immediately but that's our boy Ramsay and Roose get's that confused look in his eyes people get when they die like how could this happen to me but when he falls to his knees he actually gets a knowing look like no actually he really did figure this would probably happen to him rofl and just lays his head down and shuts his eyes to die peacefully not even really that shocked lmao and the maester looks like uhhhhh as Ramsay cleans the blood off his knife and orders him "send ravens to all the northern houses: Roose Bolton is dead... poisoned by our enemies" and she can't take his eyes off his masters dead body but Ramsay checks "how did he die?" and the maester mumbles "poisoned by his enemies" and Karstark realizes he better play nice and snaps at the maester "you're talking to your Lord use respect" which just pisses Ramsay off that he's sucking up and the maester begs "forgive me your Lord" and Ramsay adds "send for Walda and the baby" and the maester swallows as he knows what that means and he begs "she's resting my Lord" but Ramsay just has to look at him for him to give up the baby he just delivered "at once my Lord" as he rushes out and then Ramsay gives one last look to his father as creepy music plays alright uhhhhhhh this was a good shock but fucking retarded, as if Ramsay would not do this in private instead of in front of two witnesses who both have reason to fuck him over, the maester who's been established as being scared of him and the Karstark who just been established to have a strong sense of honor especially towards fathers and also just been established to be one of three other powerful Northern houses, what's stopping this guy for running tell dat about what he did to the other houses so they lose support and team up with him to overthrow the Bolton's who now have lost a great strategic planner and politician and replaced them with a now well known absolute madman who tortures potential allies for fun? extremely retarded Gary Stu shit



then outside we see fat lass Walda, somehow already up and walking, and her newborn baby coming to see Ramsay in the court yard and she shows him his new half-brother and he asks "may I hold him" and she just a bit aprehensively hands him this baby and he coos "little brother" and she reaches for her baby back and asks "Lord Bolton asked for us, have you seen him?" and Ramsay snaps out of his evil thoughts and remembers to at least try to seem sane and says "of course, follow me mother" and leads her... TO THE DOG KENNELS and since Ramsay is a massive massive Gary Stu this dumb fat bitch actually follows her step-son who must be notorious by now for being a psychopath who likes to feed people to dogs for fun into the fucking dog kennels after she hasn't seen her husband for what must be hours and he obviously locks the door behind her and the dogs are going apeshit but Ramsay yells "DOWN!" and they shut up and the baby starts crying and Walda says "it's cold out here Ramsay, I need to feed him... Ramsay, where's your father? Ramsay?" as he gradually unlocks and opens all the doors and she just stands there asking "where is Lord bolton?" not realizing fucking obviously he's going to kill you and she should try to get the baby out through the gate or at least scream for help or something and the baby starts crying more as if he's already smarter than her and Ramsay just walks up to his fat step-mother and tells her "I AM LORD BOLTON" and she realizes whats going on finally and looks at her newborn son and begs "Ramsay please, I'll leave Winterfell, I'll go back to the Riverlands" and Ramsay just looks as if he's just making sure yyyyyup I'm a complete psycho and this is the plan and she pleads one more time "please... Ramsay... he's your brother" and Ramsay coldly tells her "I prefer being an only child" and RAMSAY WHISTLES FOR THE DOGS TO EAT HIS STEP-MOTHER AND NEWBORN BABY BROTHER ALIVE EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 112 another fucking retarded scene since this is by a courtyard that had hundreds of witnesses and they'll all know what happened in there and word will spread like wild fire what this absolute madlad did to his own baby brother and who the fuck would ever trust this completely dishonerable monster and especially Walder Frey who I know didn't seem to give a shit about his own family members but clearly is very very sensitive to disrespect and if turning down a daughter for marriage made him go full Red Wedding then obviously a step-son murdering a daughter he married off to strengthen an alliance would be a total chimpout for him and that's Ramsay lost a tactical chokepoint and probably fifth biggest army



then with Theon gathering some sticks to make a fire with Pod Brie is telling Sansa about Arya "I saw her with a man, I don't think he hurt her, she didn't want to leave him, he didn't want to leave her, I spent three days looking for her, she disappeared" and Sansa asks "how'd she looked" concerned for her well being and Brie says "she looked good... she wasn't exactly dressed like a lady" and Sansa smiles knowing that's definitely her sister and says "no, she wouldn't be" and Brie asks sensitively "what happened at Winterfell?" and after a long awkward stare Brie understands woman to woman and Sansa blames herself "I should have gone with you while I had the chance" and Brie assures her "it was a difficult choice m'lady" and she looks over at the barely recognizable Theon and notes "we've all had to make difficult choices" as if to hint at what she should do and she gets the hint and goes over to talk to Theon who says of Pod fiddling about still shit with bushcraft "we shouldn't be lighting fires, it's not safe, he won't stop hunting us" as he's still in survival mode and Sansa tries to reassure him they'll be safe with Jon but Theon thinks Jon'll merc him and Sansa says protectively "I won't let him" but Theon thinks he deserves it for killing those farmboys, Ser Rodrik and betraying Robb, and Sansa suggests taking the black (cock) to be forgiven but Theon doesn't want forgiveness and he looks her straight in the eyes and tells her he would have died to take her to The Wall but she's better with Brie and Pod and she gives him a tight hug and Theon starts crying and grunting as if affection is painful to him now like when you try to pet an abused animal and Brie watches like jesus christ and when she asks where he's going to go he struggles out "home"



and we cut to the absolutely torrential shitstorm that is the Iron Islands with their dumbass castle on a series of huge cliff pillars that's begging to rock slide and kill everyone inside and Yara is telling her father they've lost their final stronghold on the mainland and when he refuses to give up she tries to tell him they can take anyone at sea but not on land invasions and he gets uppity at her for defying orders and blames her for wasting resources trying to rescue Theon but she refuses to apologize and he snarls "and where is he?" yeah good question Yara it's almost as if you just ran away because some dogs barked at you as you were within Ramsay's Gary Stu field but she clapsback "where is your kingdom?" and points out they only took territory because Robb marched South to war but it's over now and last time they provoked the North she lost two brothers being sieged and her father snaps "and I lost three sons! The War of the Five Kings they call it, well the other four are dead! when you rule the Iron Islands you can wage all the peace you want but for now shut your mouth and obey! or I will make another heir who will" and storms off as the thunder clashes outside >implying it was ever really The War of the Five Kings as you never did jack shit anything lmao, but I guess at least he's going to let Yara take the throne from him and not some other male relative, then we see the quite old and frail Greyjoy struggling over the fucking adventure playground rope bridge that's the only thing connecting the different sections of his castle during a monsoon hmmm I wonder if this is safe



and on the other side he sees a hooded figure and orders "let me pass... you fool, move aside for your king!" but the man reveals himself saying "HAVEN'T I ALWAYS, BOTHER?" and the two immediately start arguing about him mocking their god but the brother claims "I AM THE DROWNED GOD, from Oldtown to Qarth, when men see my sails, they pray" and Greyjoy can tell his brother's gone off the deep end even for their family and struggles to keep on his feet as the rope bridge shakes in the wind and his brother asks for him to give up power to a younger man but Greyjoy says last he heard "your men had to tie you to the mast to keep you from jumping overboard and when the storm passed you cut out their tongues" and his brother explains "I needed silence" and his brother mocks him for losing his senses during a storm but he fires back "I AM THE STORM BROTHER, the first and the last, and you're in my way"



and as they meet on the bridge he can tell his brother is gonna try something so GREYJOY PULLS A DAGGER BUT HIS BROTHER SIMPLY THROWS HIM OVER THE BRIDGE SENDING HIM SCREAMING TO HIS DEATH and the new King Grejoy notices he managed to get a cut off on his face wow what a conveniently timed introduction of an new antagonist who's clearly just a madman with no depth for Theon to face when he returns home which I'm not happy about either since the Iron Islands storyline is so fucking boring as they are pathetic and Balon was never more than a less vile Walder Frey just a cranky old man who lives in a dank shithole and orders his kids around with a huge chip on his shoulder oh well rip that shit character



but then the next day his people are giving Balon a burial at sea as Yara looks on sadly and a preacher guy gives a big prayer to the Drowned God to take their child back to the sea and everyone does the "what is dead may never die" meme and Yara swears to the priest she'll find who's responsible, even though it could very easily be played off as an accident due to the ridiculous nature of his castles design lmao, but the priest says she's not in charge until the kingsmoot chooses you, wtf is that moot from 4chan makes you mod? and she insists her father wanted her to rule but he tells her that's not the law of their land but maybe she could be the first woman to lead, I'm guessing she has to do some trial by combat shit or something to lead



then with the Red Lady with her enchanted necklace on to make her look younger again which is fucking retarded and adds more problems like the Faceless men as to why doesn't everyone do this to disguise themselves but Davos enters to find her staring at the fireplace as usual and she sees super depressed and he asks "I assume you know why I'm here?" since she seems to know the future from looking in the fire but she just says "I will when you tell me" as if it's not working anymore or rarely actually does and she just cold reads through most of the shit and he floats the idea of... bringing Jon back to life, and the Red Lady warns "if you want to help him leave it be" and says she knows some can do it as if she knows the kind of shit Qyburn did to The Mountain that seemed like a fast track way to take someones individuality like what the leader of the Brotherhood was worrying about from all his resurrections but to the state that he can't even talk anymore and is just a robot for Cersei to order around but Davos knows Jon was the last good leader they had and keeps pushing and the Red Lady talks about the drunken priest with the Brotherhood but she doesn't understand how he did it and is sure she couldn't and he reminds her she can drink poison and birth demons but she confesses her visions didn't come true and that he was right all along and The Lord never spoke to her and Davos goes full euphoric atheist "FUCK HIM THEN! FUCK ALL OF THEM! I'm not a devout man, obviously, Seven Gods, Drowned Gods, Tree Gods, it's all the same, I'm not asking the Lord of Light for help, I'm asking the woman who showed me that miracles exist" and she turns to him almost in tears that even her biggest detractor believes in her now and she can't do anything and insists "I never had this gift" and Davos asks "have you ever tried?" so she figures fuck it dude and then we see her over Jon's body with a wet cloth thinking what the fuck am I even going to do with this dead dude but she at least starts with cleaning the blood off of his chest and Tormund and Edd stand around watching like they don't expect anything to happen but once his stab wounds are clear she starts speaking Valyrian and cuts a lock of his hair and throws it in the fire and I guess she figures might as well go whole hog and cuts off like 10 other locks of hair and throws them in too and she says some prayer in Valyrian, which I guess is this worlds version of Latin that's considered le old magic language that modern languages are derived from, and she washes his hair and she puts her hands on his stab wounds and starts saying a prayer and keeps looking around awkwardly and expectantly at Jon but nothing happens so she keeps praying and praying and the music builds up and up but nothing is happening as Davos and Tormund share a concerned look and she sighs and begs "please" to Allah but... nothing... and she looks sadly at Davos and Tormund scoffs and storms out and she and Edd leave too and Davos gives one last sad look at jon and leaves Ghost sleeping on the floor... but then he wakes up as if he sensed something the humans couldn't... and he looks up as



JON COMES BACK TO LIFE!!! alright this is retardeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed and completely annihilates any tension in the story because any character can be resurrected now if they just say the Red Lady can do it to anyone or it's whoever Allah or whatever God did this or if the Faceless Men have the right idea and it's Death that's the one true god wants that character back alive and since that has no rhyme or reason it can be literally any character, I mean The Mountain coming back as a zombie is a bit silly but at least it's some Frankenstein's monster shit where he might not have been fully dead and is now rendered a mindless drone and at least that one-eyed leader guy could have just been lying and his man could only heal him from near-fatal wounds or something but we're in full on Jesus Christ territory now with our main character coming back to life so fucking rip any stakes in this le grounded and gritty show about le real consequences, inb4 some cringy meme where he's now free from his Watchmen's Oath since it's until death it binds you... even though everyone else breaks it constantly already anyway lmao, also uhhhh if he like drinks water does it like pour out his stomach or.......





Game of Thrones 6x03: "Oathbreaker"
duel wielding special edition
First aired: May 8, 2016

we open on a black screen with Jon breathing hard I assume and Davos staring at him like what le fug m888 as Jon sits up and looks terrified but with one leg carefully raised to hide the actors benis as he doesn't want to go full frontal and he looks down at the scars on his body and starts hyperventilating and Davos rushes to put a coat around him as he stumbles off of the table and the Red Lady returns looking like wtf m8 I did it, I remember seeing a leaked screencap of the Red Lady like kissing Jon and blowing his soul back into his body or some shit but I guess they went with a different more surprising version of the scene possibly because that visual effect ended up being leaked, and Davos asks Jon what he remembers and he just sits there breathing and the Red Lady looks scared that he's come back "wrong" but Jon remembers "they stabbed me... Olly... put a knife in my heart... I shouldn't be here" and Davos explains "the lady brought you back" and the Red Lady asks what he saw on the others ide and Jon says... "NOTHING, THERE WAS NOTHING AT ALL" and Davos looks like YES I KNEW IT ATHEISM WAS RIGHT but the Red Lady inists "the Lord let you come back for a reason, Stannis was not the prince that was promised but someone has to be" yeah the leader of the Brotherhood you dumb thot, and Davos does the "leave us" meme to the Red Lady and he sums up to Jon "you were dead, and now you're not, and that's completely fucking mad, seems to me, I can only imagine what it seems like to you" and Jon immediately starts whining "I did what I thought was right, and I got murdered for it, and now I'm black, why?" and Davos doesn't let him know it was his fault lmao but he implores him to not waste his second chance and "clean up as much of the shit" he can but Jon is demoralized and says "I don't know how, I failed" and Davos just says "good, now go fail again" as if even if he didn't do it perfect he still did the right thing and saved a bunch of Wildlings and their civvies, and he walks outside to see... the Wildlings staring up at him as if they's their Jesus now or something, and he walks through them looking confused and they look shocked at him but then Tormund comes up and lets him know "they think you're some kind of god, the man who returned from the dead" and Jon assures him "I'm not a god" and Tormund tells him "I know you're not, I SAW YOUR PECKER, WHAT KIND OF GOD WOULD HAVE A PECKER THAT SMALL?" hey I'm sure it was cold and, you know, dead, and Jon gets a little smile and Tormund hugs him but he winces in pain from his stab wounds lmao and he walks up to Edd and hugs him too despite the the pain and Edd just notes "your eyes are still brown, that still you in there?" and Jon says "I think so, hold off on burning my body for now" and Edd jokes "that's funny, you sure that's still you in there?" lmao he called him unfunny



just want to point out that the objectifying fan comments from this nude scene made Jon's actor uncomfortable but he got PC policed into retracting his statements and saying men cant be victims of sexism which is ironically sexism lmao



then on a boat in the middle of a storm Gilly is looking out the window amazed to be at sea for the first time and Sam is suffering from sea sickness trying not to barf and Gilly regales him with "did I ever tell you I used to think the sea was called the see because it was nothing but water as far as the eye could see?" awww she's adorable but now she knows "they're spelled differently but they sound the same, it was before I learned how to read obviously" showing she's becoming a lot wiser and she asks "Sam are you going to be sick?" and he shakes his head but VOMITS IN A BUCKET anyway and she must really love him since she sits down beside him as he cleans out his mouth with water and starts talking about how Oldtown is the most beautiful city in Westeros and he has to break it to her that the Citadel doesn't allow women and she reminds him neither does Castle Black but he reveals he's taking her home to Horn Hill to live with his family and his dad might be a dick but his mother and sister are nice and Gilly quotes back "wherever you go I go too" and walks off sad and Sam forces himself to get to his feet and stumble all over the place to follow her and tells her he just wants them to be safe, and he only wants to be a Maester to win the war and keep them safe and saving the world is just a happy byproduct, and she tells him she appreciates him being the only one to ever actually love her... and tells him if he thinks it's for the best she trusts him and Sam, used to this happening in every TV show to force drama, says "I'd feel better i you threw something at me and stormed off" and Gilly assures him "I'd never do that to the father of my son" awwwwwwwwwwwww inb4 something horrible happens to her like his dad rapes her or some shit and Sam looks over smiling at lil Sam as he realizes he pretty much is all he's got but then vomits profusely again lmao



then we see some horses riding up to a castle to I think a new character in armor sharpening a sword outside and he hears the furious galloping so casually goes up to pick up his Kinsguard helmet and it turns out that this is a vision Bran and the old man are watching and he notices a young man get off his horse and he notes from his distinctive hairstyle "that's my father" and the old man points out "the man beside him is Howland Reed, Meera's father" hmmmmmm, maybe he sent her to help Bran, and they watch two men in armor that Bran clocks as "Ser Arthur Dayne" "The Sword of the Morning" the old man says who "father said he was the best swordsman he ever saw" and Arthur comes up to Ned and plants his sword in the ground I guess to show this is an official time-out and on his armor is the Targ sigil and Ned says "I looked for you at the Trident" and the other man brags "your friend the usurper would lie beneath the ground if we had been there" and Ned tells them "the Mad King is dead" and taunts them for not protecting the prince but Arthur says their orders are to be there and Ned growls "where's my sister?"



Arthur just says "I wish you good fortune in the wars to come", puts on his helmet and says "and now it begins" ARTHUR UNSHEATHES TWO SWORDS, WE DUEL WIELDAN NOW BOIS



and young Ned says in his thick brummy accent "noh... now eet ends" and NED, HOWLAND AND THEIR FOUR MEN DRAW THEIR SWORDS AND ARTHUR INSTANTLY CUTS DOWN ONE OF THEIR MEN



AND WHIRLS AROUND BLOCKING NED AND HIS MENS ATTACKS AS THE OTHER KINGSGUARD RUNS THROUGH ONE OF THEIR GUYS



AND NED GETS KNOCKED BACK BY ARTHURS WHIRLWIND OF BLADES BUT WHEN THE OTHER KINGSGUARD ATTACKS HIM HE RAMS HIS SWORD INTO HIS NECK



AND REALIZING HE'S ALONE ARTHUR TWIRLS BOTH HIS BLADES AROUND IN EACH HAND READY TO 1V4 THE MEN SURROUNDING HIM AND HE HOLDS OUT BOTH SWORDS TO KEEP THEM BACK



AND THEY ALL ATTACK AT ONCE BUT ARTHUR MANAGES TO FIGHT ALL FOUR SIMULTANEOUSLY HOLY SHIT AND HE GETS OUT FROM THEM SURROUNDING HIM AND ALL OF THEM RUSH AFTER HIM AT ONCE SO BE BLOCKS TWO ATTACKS AT THE SAME TIME WHILE KICKING ANOTHER AWAY AND WHIPS AROUND SLITTING THE FOURTH'S THROAT H-H-HE'S FAST!!!



AND HE FIGHTS NED AND HOWLAND AT THE SAME TIME AND WHEN THE THIRD WHEEL TRIES TO JOIN IN HE PINS HIS SWORD AGAINST HIS CHEST WITH BOTH HIS BLADES AND PULLS THEM AWAY SLITTING BOTH SIDES OF HIS THROAT



AND NED DUCKS BEHIND THE DYING MAN FOR COVER AS ARTHUR SLICES HIS BLADES AT HIM AND ARTHUR BLOCKS HOWLAND'S BLADE AND RUNS HIM THROUGH WITH HIS OTHER SWORD RAMMING IT FURTHER IN TO DROP HIM FASTER



LEAVING ONLY HIM AND NED WHO GRIMACES AT HIS DEAD FRIEND AND THEY BOTH READY THEIR BLADES WITH ARTHUR HOLDING ONE OF HIS BACKWARDS TO USE EVERY POSSIBLY STRIKING ANGLE AS NED RUSHES HIM BUT ARTHUR DEFLECTS ALL HIS BLOWS AND STARTS PUSHING HIM BACK BUT NED RETURNS THE FAVOR



and Bran notes "he's better than my father" and the old man agrees "far better" but never the less NED SWINGS HIS SWORD DOWN AT ARTHUR AS HARD AS HE CAN TRYING TO GET HIM OFF BALANCE BUT HE JUST KEEPS SWITCHING WHICH SWORD HE'S COMING AT HIM WITH and Bran cant understand "but father beat him?" and the man asks "did he?" and Bran looks worried as if he's not sure how any of this works yet "I know he did, heard the story a thousand times" AS ARTHUR TRIES TO PIN NEDS SWORD AGAINST HIS CHEST WITH HIS SCISSOR TECHNIQUE THAT KILLED THE LAST GUY BUT HE PUSHES BACK WITH HIS OTHER ARMORED FOREARM



SO ARTHUR SIMPLY USES HIS SWORDS TO SNATCH NEDS OUT OF HIS HANDS AND TOSS IT AWAY BUT... HOWLAND SUDDENLY RAMS A DAGGER INTO ARTHUR FROM BEHIND!!!



and Bran points out the obvious "he stabbed him in the back" guess your daddy didn't tell you that brutal reality of his famous duel as Arthur falls to his knees and looks up as NED TAKES HIS SWORD AND KILLS HIM and Bran looks up as he hears a woman scream in the tower, maybe someone who cared about Arthur seeing what happened and Bran asks "what's in the tower?" and the old man says "that's enough for one day, we'll visit again another time" because this is the Bran storyline where they need to reveal the story aaaaaagoniziiiiiiingly slowly but Bran insists "I want to see where he's going" and runs off yelling "father!" and Ned stops... and looks behind... but he can't see anyone there... and runs up to the tower and when Bran tries to run after the old man appears in front of him and wakes him up, and IRL Bran insists to be taken back because he thinks his father heard him but the old man inists "the past is already written the ink is dry" WHAT IS THIS? FUCKING HIRO NAKAMURO ON HEROES? and Bran demands to know what's in the tower and the old man warns him of gaming addiction but Bran whines he doesn't want to come back to be a cripple and the man reminds him he's stuck in a fucking tree with roots growing through him and Bran demands to know why he'd do that to himself but the old man just says "I was waiting for you" and assures him he won't be stuck there forver like him but insists first he needs to learn "everything" uhhhhh so Bran is going to become God? ebin, amyway that was a really cool fight scene and I really like the way GRRM does the backstory world building where it doesn't feel like backstory at all and there are just as rich and varied characters all throughout Westeros history as there is in the present which is just like real life like there is not only great fighters in the current year where your story is taking place there were great fighters when your father was your age and when your great great great great grandfather was your age and they all had as unique and important to them seeming stories as anything going on in the present which a lot of stories lack and the backstory characters and events feel so obviously artificially constructed just to prop up present day events



then with the Dothraki hoard marching through the desert Dany looks up to see a huge statue of a stallion when a Dothraki shoves her saying "hey Great Khaleesi move your ass" lmao and we see they are I think back in the Dothraki capital and that's the same horse statue we saw in season 1 or maybe an even bigger one and they all stream into this huge city and Moro tells Dany "welcome home Khaleesi" as she sees this big hut that looks pretty easy to escape from and when she enters a middle aged woman lights some fires and does the "leave us" meme to the men and THE OTHER WOMEN THERE TEAR DANYS CLOTHES OFF and take her silver dragon necklace away and they give her a shitty leather jacket and she starts threatening them but the older woman says she remembers seeing her eating the horses heart and asks why she didn't come there and I guess Dany already learned about this place off-camera but she does her insane titledrop meme saying "my place is not with you" and the older woman says she's the widow of Khal Savo and tries to relate to her in wishing their husbands would conquer the world with them by their side and tells her "all the khalasars have returned for the Khalar Vezhven" whatever that is and will decide which cities to sack and enslave and what to do with her and she gets triggered at the mention of slavery (authors note: the following image is titled 1488.jpg which is fitting since all Dothrakis need to be gassed)



then back in Meereen Varys is fanning himself suffering from the heat and quips to a silent Unsullied "I don't know how you stand it in all that leather" when two more bring a woman in and he does the "leave us" meme to the guards and she immediately starts daring him to torture her but he insists "I am not a torturer... though it so often is what people deserve... and it does provide answers... but they're usually the wrong answers, my job is to find the right answers, do you know how I do that? I do it by making people happy" which is what I was saying about that Nazi interrogator who literally just had a nice chat with POWs and they'd accidentally tell him their life story and when she refuses to give her name he chuckles as he already knows who she is, she's the cag who was helping the SotH kill their dudes, and she points out they're foreign invaders destroying their history and Varys just says "I understand, that makes perfect sense from your perspective... I have a different perspective of course" and offers to see things from each others perspectives... and doxxes Dom... her son... and she calls him how "you're some liberator huh? you wont torture me you'll just threaten my son?" but Varys insists "children are blameless, I've never hurt them" so I guess CIA's pedo jokes are unfounded I hope but then he implies that she'll be executed and leave him alone with his breathing problems and she says "if I tell you anything they'll kill me" but he offers a third option to leave for Pentos on a boat he's booked for her and her son and offers a bribe of a bag of silver

and later with Tyrion, Missy and Grey Worm they're sitting at a table in awkward silence so Tyrion asks the taciturn Grey Worm what they should talk about and he just stares at him so he turns to Missy and prods her to use her 19 languages to talk about something already and asks what they talk about together and Grey Worm says "patrol... what we see on patrol... who we capture on patrol....." and Tyrion cringes and walks around with his wine trying to tease some conversation out of them but they just stare blankly at him trying to charm them so he offers a game but Grey Worm says "games are for children" and Missy says sometimes her master would make her play games... with girls and Tyrion awkwardly goes "no no no not that of course not that, innocent games, fun games, drinking games!" and Missy tells him "we do not drink" and just stare awkwardly at him as he tries to explain his "never have I ever" game but realizes you can't play without drinking lmao what is the point of this scene and then finally Varys turns up to tell them he's discovered the masters of Astapor (where the Unsullied are from), Yunkai (where she got the Second Sons) and Volantis (where Varys and Tyrion first arrived) are funding the SotH, I guess out of butthurt from Dany's visits but I guess she annihilated Qarth's entire leadership so no worries from them lmao, and Grey Worm says they already conquered those cities and can do it again, but Tyrion points out they need the Unsullied in Meereen, but Missy insists the masters only understand violence, and Tyrion tells Varys to send a message to the masters with his "little birds"

speaking of which we see Qyburn giving some street children a check-up who are playing with his sciency shit and there's a weird interaction with a boy whos black eye he's examining and he says his mother's jaw is healing too but mentions he hasn't seen his father and Qyburn says "that worked out rather nicely" as if his father was beating them and Qyburn just had him fucking killed lmao nice one tbh and a little girl asks if they'll ever see Varys and he says "I don't think so, you miss him?" and the children lament how he was nice and "he called us his little birds and gave his sweets" and Qyburn has realized Varys had the right idea of befriending street children and offers them some plums from Dorne and kindly tells them their friends can always come to him for help and all he asks in return are whispers, hopefully he's not a pedo or something, and then... The Mountain storms in... and all the kids tense up realizing there's something wrong with this guy, and Qyburn assures them "no need to be scared, this is Ser Gregor, he's friends with all my friends" and Gregor just stands there staring blankly at them so Qyburn says "run along now" and they scamper out like fuck and Cersei and Jaime were escorted in by Gregor and ask wtf he did to him and Qyburn says cryptically "oh a number of things..." and Jaime gets in Gregor's face to the extent that he can such a bigger man and asks "does he understand what we're saying? I mean to the extent that he ever understood complete sentences in the first place" and GREGOR SNAPS HIS HEAD DOWN TO LOOK AT JAIME WHO BACKS THE FUCK UP and Qyburn warns "he understands well enough" and Jaime demands "so tell him to march into the Sept and crush the High Sparrow's head like a melon" but Cersei reminds him of his hundreds of sparrows and reminds him that he'll only have to fight one when she chooses trial by combat which Jaime says he looks forward to watching and Cersei tells Qyburn she wants little birds in Dorne, Highgarden and the North to tell her if anyone so much as makes a joke about "the queen who walked through the streets naked with shit thrown at her" and Qyburn nods seeing how triggered she is



then we cut to Pycelle moaning about Qyburn to Mace, Lady Tyrell and Kevan and as he says "what he's done to Gregor Clegane is an abomination, I for one think it will be in our best interest to have the beast dest-" but then he notices everyone's frozen up as... Gregor and the twins have entered the room... awkwaaaaaard... and... PYCELLE GETS SO SCARED HE FARTS which I'd say was ridiculous but to be honest I saw a video once of this vlogger called iJustine who was so upset when Steve Jobs died that she sat in a public restaurant crying into her iphone about it and farting uncontrollably the entire time lmao so I guess people really do fart when under emotional distress and Cersei gets triggered at Lady Tyrell being there and when Mace tries to explain she cuts off her useless son and says she's here to help with such issues as the queen's imprisonment and Cersei pretends she means her but she reminds her "Margaery is the queen" and she looks at Jaime as she memes "you are not the queen because you are not married to the king, I do appreciate these things can get a bit confusing in your family!" and everyone tenses up as The Twins might go off the chain at any second, funny how this is the first scene in like the entire show where Jaime and Cersei are actually together around other people so we can see they're quite the power couple, and Kevan snaps at Jaime he has no position, but he corrects him that Lord Commander of the Kingsguard does, and Cersei asks Pycelle to confirm that and he flusters around trying to waive away the history but Jaime just slams down a chair and takes his seat, and Cersei demands Kevan do something about his uhhh... great niece being murdered and Jaime informs them of Elly's coup and Kevan, now the official King's Hand, admits that while they can't make them leave... "you cannot make us stay" and nods to Lady Tyrell to leave and dares "not unless you're gonna have that thing murder us all" and Gregor just stares blankly at them as they leave in a huff and Mace leaves too and Pycelle potters past Gregor looking up terrified at him leaving just The Twins sitting there alone with him



then we see Tommen finally has some balls and has taken some Kingsguard to see the High Sparrow demanding Cersei be able to see Myrcella's final resting place but he says only when she's stood trial and when Tommen steps forward to demand he comply both sides men step forward ready to pop off for their masters the High Sparrow assures him "The Crown and the Faith are the twin pillars of the world... do you know who told me that? your mother" smiling as he knows Cersei was talking shit to him but now gets to use it against her sinful ways and Tommen steps even closer with the men getting even closer and snaps "my mother who is unclean?!" and the High Sparrows sees this young man is very emotionally vulnerable so motions for his sparrows to back away and looks at Tommen who gets the picture and signals for his men to back off too and he asks him how he thinks "men and women first came to feel The Mother's presence? it was through their own mothers" and smiles as he tells him that even though she's such a liar The Mother's love shines through her and must be holy as if he really believes it and thinks Cersei could find redemption through that love and he starts getting in Tommen's head saying "you know that, you've seen it when she talks to you" and he admits "yes" and the High Sparrow admits "it's a great gift, one I never had... envy, one more thing for me to atone for" as he's always working on himself but then he does the Pycelle meme, maybe for real, asking to sit down because his knees hurt, and Tommen pauses as if he can't believe this powerful man is so physically frail and lets him sit down and then says in disbelief why he wants to make his mother suffer but he explains "it's not what I want, it's what the gods want, they make their will known to us and it's up to us to either accept it or reject it" and offers him to sit down beside him and starts weaselling into his mind saying even King's accept it if they're to be good and they need great counsel and the greatest counsel is the gods and Tommen remembers Tywin saying something similar (except the part of the gods) and the High Sparrow claims the gods worked through Tywin whether he knew it or not (yeah the Warrior maybe) and claims they even work through Cersei and tells him with a grandfatherly smile "there's so much good in all of us, the best we can do is try to bring it out" and dumbass moron Tommen falls for it and sits there accepting what he's saying despite the 7 gods being the only gods not implied to be real lmao



then with Arya she is in the house of the faceless men training aka being beaten by the cunty girl and she's having her tell her about who she was when she came there, Arya Stark, and her family, as she beats the shit out of her in staff training, and Arya has taken to talking about herself in the third person saying "they could all be dead for all a girl knows" and when the bitchy girl asks about The Hound Arya figures "also dead" and in her staff training Arya learns to notice her footing but the girl still beats the fuck out of her, and as they're talking she whacks her for not using the past tense when talking about her List as she mentions "a girl" took The Hound off her List, and we see Arya fiddling with some bottles of powder that I assume are poisons and the cunty girl asks her more about the List as we see her beating Arya up some more but she refuses to give up and always gets back to her feet as we hear Arya give her List and the cunty girl tries to wind her up asking if she's forgetting someone to see if she'd want to add her to the list but Arya just says "which name would you like the girl to speak?" as if she really is letting go of her old ways and when Jaqen sees Arya finally manage to block the bitchy girls attack she realizes she's passed the next stage of her training and walks off, then later Arya is seemingly looking at the statue of the Old God when Jaqen offers her again "if a girl tells me her name I will give her eyes back" which is clearly a trick since he's not saying "a man" he's saying "I" unless the writers fucked up again like when they called a quill a pen or forgot they talk about hell in plurals lol but Arya replies "a girl has no name" so Jaqen brings her over... to the poisoned well... and gives her a cup of it's water.... and she smells it... and he dares "if a girl is truly no one she has nothing to fear" maybe testing to see if the Many-Faced Gods will spare her or it's just a trick and the well isn't poisoned today but Arya... drinks the poison... and ARYA GETS HER SIGHT BACK... and Jaqen asks "who are you?" and Arya says robotically "no one" ok thank god that blindness storyline is over because that was fucking dull and dumb like this whole storyline



then in the North we see men riding past AN UPSIDE DOWN FLAYED MAN EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 113



as Ramsay talks about how the Umbers were famously loyal to the Starks and some guy with a big beard and long hair chides the Karstark for sharing blood with the Stark but now being loyal to the Bolton's... or just Ramsay now, and Ramsay says this Umber guy refused to pledge to his father and he just explains "your father was a cunt" and Ramsay tries to control his anger and politely say "when my father was Warden-" but the Umber cuts him off saying "your father was a cunt and that's why you killed him" lmaoooo what did I tell ya m8y but he admits he might have done that to his own father and Ramsay insists "my father was poisoned by our enemies" but Lord Umber already knows the truth and says he's come to ask for help fighting the "goat fuckers" Jon Snow let through and the Karstark isn't worried but the Umber reminds them if Jon Snow leads them they could take Winterfell since he knows this place better than they ever will and Ramsay offers if he pledges his bannermen to him they can work together to "destroy the bastard and all his wildling friends" but he refuses "I'm not kissing your fucking hand" and Ramsay asks why he'd trust him and the Umber points out his father played nice with Robb right up until he betrayed him and Ramsay stares at him unblinkingly like he's just waiting for the moment when it's ok to kill him and quips "then it appears we're at a bit of an impasse" and the Umber tells him "fuck kneeling and fuck oaths... I've got a gift for you" and Ramsay jokes "a girl I hope... I prefer redheads" now with a hate-on for Sansa and the Umber chuckles "a girl aye heheheh" as two girls with bags over their heads are marched in to reveal OSHA and the Umber mocks "and a boy, nice and young, the way Karstark likes em!" who stands up angrily at the accusation but Ramsay just smiles at him and the Umber reveals RICKON STARK, WHO'S A TEENAGED BOY NOW and the Umber introduces him and Ramsay walks right up to his face, actually shorter than Rickon now, and asks how he knows it's the real deal, so the Umber goes and gets something else... and brings over RICKON'S DIREWOLF'S SEVERED HEAD nooooooooooooooooooooooo doggyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! so I think that's just Summer and Ghost left alive and I guess Arya's that she had to let back into the wild out of the 6 puppies they found in ep 1 and Rickon looks mad but Ramsay just gets a huge smile and says "welcome home... Lord Stark" as he can now just force this kid to agree with whatever he wants and get le legitimacy in le North, shame he killed his mother-in-law on a whim and can't marry him to her or something, alright YET ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF RAMSAY BEING A GAY STU, HE GETS THE MOST IMPORTANT HOSTAGE IN THE LAND AT LITERALLY NO COST OR EFFORT, EBIN



then with Jon taking up the hobby of staring at fire Edd comes in and says "it's time" so he grabs his sword and comes outside to all the Wildlings and his remaining loyal friends to find Alliser, the other two commanders who stabbed him and... Olly... with fucking nooses around their necks... and he asks them for their last words and the first of them gasps "you shouldn't be alive, it's not right!" and Jon just says "neither was killing me" and move on to the second man who says "my mother's still living at White Harbor, could you write her? tell her I died fighting the wildlings?" and Jon just ignores him and moves onto Alliser who defends his actions "I had a choice "Lord Commander": betray you or betray the Night's Watch, you brought an army of Wildlings into our lands, an army of murderers and raiders, if I had to do it all over again knowing where I'd end up I'd pray I'd make the right choice again... I fought, I lost, now I rest... but you... Lord Snow... you'll be fighting their battles forever" and just looks up at the horizon ready to go and then Jon moves onto... Olly...... who just glares down at him still angry he betrayed him by letting in Wildlings and they don't even need to say anything to each other as they know there's nothing to say and Jon takes out his sword and... the entire cast stare at Jon as he stands there like an autist but JON SLASHES THE ROPE... HOLDING UP A COUNTERWEIGHT THAT PULLS THE TABLE THEY'RE STANDING ON AWAY AND HANGING OLLY, ALLISER AND HIS TWO COMMANDERS BUT IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO BREAK THEIR NECKS AND ALL FOUR OF THEM DANGLING AT THE END OF THEIR NOOSES BEING STRANGLED TO DEATH IN FRONT OF EVERYONE...



SO... LYNCHING A LIKE 13 YEAR OLD... EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 114 and then Jon gives Edd his cloak and gies him command of Castle Black and marches off saying "my watch has ended" I guess there goes the not breaking his oath as he's already meme but I guess no one really gives a shit about it anymore so whatever, and I'd wonder if him fucking lynching a kid is to imply he's lost a bit of himself coming back to life but he beheaded the bald coward guy like it was nothing so maybe it's just part of his character arc, supernatural bullshit fucking up the story yet again





Game of Thrones 6x04: "Book of the Stranger"
pocket sand special edition
First aired: May 15, 2016

we open on the ornate wolf handle of Jon's sword he left behind that Edd picks up looking curious at it and he asks Jon what he's going to do down South and he just jokes "get warm" but Edd gets triggered asks him how he can leave them with the White Walkers out there and Jon does the well teeeeeechnically I did carry out my vows I le died ebinnn loophole but Edd's not buying it and Jon insists he's not saying after his own brothers killed him but then the hear the horn... but thankfully only one, and they go outside as they open the gate as SANSA, BRIE AND PODRICK ARRIVE and Brie eyes Tomund instantly clocking him as the realest nigga there and everyone murmurs and stares at these odd new overly designed Main Characters turning up and Sansa looks up to see... her half-brother Jon who she hasn't seen in 6 fucking years, and he walks down and stares gormlessly at her and she rushes up and hugs him and he holds her tight awwww I guess this really is the first time any of the siblings have met back up, closest they got to meeting again was Bran crossing paths with Sam and Arya giving up going into her aunts castle where Sansa was, then inside Sansa is drinking some soup and reminiscing about Old Nan's soup they used to enjoy and they discuss how they wish they had never left Winterfell and Sansa says she wishes she was not such a cunt to him as children but Jon confesses to sulking in the corner all the time anyway and she jokingly demands he forgive her so he laughs and gives in awwww, guessing he's gonna be real mad at Ramsay when he finds out what he did to his sister, and he offers Sansa the disgusting ale they drink there that she coughs down but when she asks where he's going he says she's coming too "or fathers ghost will come back and haunt me" lmao but they also cant stay there in case he has more enemies and she immediately starts angling for revenge telling him "there's only one place we can go: home" and Jon jokes "should we just tell the Boltons to pack up and leave?" and Sansa having taken several lessons in real nigga shit tells him "we'll take it back from them" and he realizes how hard she's become and when he says "I don't have an army" she immediately asks "how many wildlings did you save?" insisting "they owe you their lives" pointing out they're not safe from the Bolton's either and Winterfell belongs to them and wherever Arya, Bran and Rickon them too but Jon snaps "I'm tired of fighting! it's all I've done since I've left home! I've killed brothers of the Night's watch, I've killed Wildlings, I've killed men I've admired, I hanged a boy younger than Bran! I've fought... and I lost" and Sansa just stares at him and tells him "if we don't bring back the North we'll never be safe, I want you to help me but I'll do it myself if I have to" it really is real nigga hours



then outside Davos and the Red Lady have an awkward conversation about her claiming to serve Jon Snow, sighing that he's the prince who was promised now as if she doesn't like that this Lord of Light's King shit is all actually real and was happier with Stannis who probably wasn't the chosen one and she could just fuck about indefinitely, and when he asks about Stannis she just walks off and he follows her demanding to know what happened and she just mutters "there was a battle, Stannis was defeated" and when he asks about Shireen she clams up but Brie turns up and says "I saw what happened, I saw Stannis' forces defeated in the field" yeah we know you did hen, will she admit what she did? and Davos introduces himself but she says "we met before, when I was Kingsguard to Renly Baratheon, Before Renly was assassinated with bloodmagic" and the Red Lady looks super awkward hoping she doesn't realize that was her but Brie looks right at her, wait, they they meet before? I forget if Davos ever tried to talk to Renly and Davos notes the tension and tries to tell her "that's in the past now" and Brie steps forward glaring down at the Red Lady and says "that doesn't mean I forget... or forgive" alright calm down anonymous is legun but the Red Lady just looks up sad at her like she doesn't care if she kills her or not as her life just got extremely worse probably figuring if word gets out she can resurrect the dead all the most powerful people will be hunting for her and Brie tells them "he admitted it you know, Stannis, just before I executed him" and stares Davos and the Red Lady right in the eyes like do something bitch but neither of them are up to it so she just marches off

then with the zoomer King he is trying and failing to learn archery and the man looking after him sighs as he misses a target and has to force a smile for the young boy to keep him going and then CIA's carriage rides up and he calls "The Defender of the Vale!" and the zoomer prince who's voice has gotten a lot deeper drops his bow and arrow not caring about it at all and rushes up yelling "Uncle Petyr!" even though really he's his step-father now and he jumps into his arms to hug the man that he is now taller than and CIA gives him a falcon for his nameday and the Lord he put in charge starts grilling CIA about fucking marrying Sansa to Ramsay and CIA immediately starts bullshitting that the Bolton's captured them but the Lord aint buying it and snaps "you take me for a fool?" so CIA turns up the manipulation and starts implying in front of all his men that he shared his travel plans with them and even the zoomer King picks up what he's saying and the Lord warns him not to cross swards with him but CIA says it's up to the zoomer King and the Lord looks at Robin knowing they've never gotten along as the King suggests in his deep post-puberty voice "shall we throw him through the Moon Door?" and CIA just smirks at him like punking some fat idiot like him is child's play and all the guards put their hands on their swords ready to arrest the Lord as they're loyal to their King and the Lord realizes he's fucked and starts pleading with the zoomer that "I have always been faithful to House Arryn, to your father, to your mother and now you" and Robin doesn't have a head for politics at all and is more interested in his new pet so just asks "do you believe him Uncle Petyr?" and CIA gives the Lord a shiteating smirk as he's already at his mercy and CIA says "Lord Royce has served the Vale well... he's enjoyed a distinguished military career, if we could trust his absolute loyalty he would make a capable commander in the wars to come" and smiles at Royce as he has to play his part and he turns to Robin who's barely listening and says "you can trust my absolute loyalty my Lord" and CIA teases "I think he deserves one more chance what do you say" and Robin just says "ugh fine" to get them to shut up, clearly not understanding what a serious accusation CIA is making, and Royce bows and runs off completely shook at how instantly CIA punked him and CIA updates Robin on Sansa escaping Winterfell but warns she won't be safe with the Bolton's after her and he sighs "she's my cousin" and thinks hard, remembering that he was meant to marry her lmao, and CIA looks on hoping he makes the right call, but Robin takes that as a good thing and decides "we should help her" and CIA smiles "that was my instinct as well" and Robin laughs as it's his first time to go to war and CIA orders Royce "your Lord has spoken, gather the Knights of the Vale, the time has come to join the fray" hmmmmm I guess CIA was hoping to bait the Bolton's into attracting the ire of the Lannisters so they'd destroy them and he could take whats left of the North but now that the Lannisters are losing power in King's Landing he'll have to do it more directly



then we cut to a boat that has a sigil of a mermaid in chains on it's sails, I guess coming in from one of the three cities plotting against theirs, and Grey Worm can't understand "you invited the enemy into our city" and Tyrion sighs "I did, as a wise man once told me "we make peace with our enemies, not our friends"" but Grey Worm insists "I don't make peace with the Queen's enemies, I kill the queens enemies" but Tyrion points out the military option isn't working so it's time for the diplomatic approach but reminds them his own experiences in slavery taught him how wrong it is and Missy just asks "how many days were you a slave?" and Tyrion stammers "l-long enough to know" but they don't buy it, and then the Master who bought Tyrion and Jorah is actually the envoy Astapor sent and he can't believe the dwarf he bought only a few months ago is now the ruler of Meereen and one of the other masters says "we came here to see the Queen, instead we are greeted by a dwarf and a eunuch" glaring at Varys who looks away in a huff, wonder how everyone knows of his genital status, I guess word has always travelled fast, and Tyrion simply asks what they want and they say just to leave Slaver's Bay and aaaah yes it's the King of Yunkai we saw in season 3 who's back and he reminds them he offered her ships to leave but Missy snaps "because hundreds of thousands of men women and children still lived in chains" and the King handwaves it "as they have from the dawn of time" and Grey Worm says "not anymore" and another master snaps "you think you're a free man now? you still follow orders! just because your master has silver hair and tits does not mean she's not a master" and Grey Worm just mad dogs him but Tyrion tries to calm them down saying there's always been the rich and the poor and he's not there to change that and the King snaps "slavery is the way of the world" and Tyrion tries to tell him "you don't need slaves to make money, there haven't been slaves in Westeros for hundreds of years and I grew up richer than any of you" yeah on loans lmao and the masters all get shook that he's richer than them and Tyrion give them Dany's proposal that slavery is over but... they will give them seven years to end the practice, and Missy and Grey Worm look rustled at this compromise but the masters are listening as he offers to pay slavemasters compensation for their losses if they just cut off support for the SotH but they deny any connection (a realistic touch, like Saudi Arabia basically funds all islamic terror but everyone has to pretend they don't because they're rich lmao) and Tyrion scoffs "fine fine, but you'll cut it off all the same" and assures them "you will not recieve a better offer" and rings a bell saying "let us sail on the tide of freedom, not drown in it" and brings him... three cags as "a parting gift for our honored guests" much to Missy's disappointment and Tyrion tells the men as the women fawn over them "give freedom a chance, see if it doesn't taste as good as what came before" and leaves with his party, very dumb and retarded since I'm sure these men are tired of cags from owning as many sex slaves as they want, and then later some men are arguing in the throne room when Tyrion turns up and says in Valyrian "large story... you wait so fat time" but thankfully they speak Not!English and the men are angry he's drinking wine with the men their people died fighting and Tyrion points out that he's not Dany's insane titledrops and it's up to him but the men demand to know where Dany is saying they don't trust him and only Grey Worm as he fought for them and Tyrion says he supports them but the men Grey Worm directly if he's ok with drinking wine with slavers and Grey Worm glares at Tyrion but says "I'm a warrior, not a politician, but if there is a chance or peace, just peace, we should take it" so they turn to Missy asking how she can trust them but she looks at Tyrion too and gets guilted into repeating his meme "we make peace with our enemies, not our friends" and he smiles having won over the citizen, then later outside Grey Worm is telling him "do not use me for your lies, if you betray her work, you are my enemy" and Missy tells him "seven years is not a short time for a slave" and Tyrion sighs "you're right, slavery is a horror that should be ended at once, war is a horror that should be ended at once, I can't do both today" and Grey Worm insists they cant be trusted but Tyrion tries to explain they'll play ball if it's in their self-interest but Grey Worm tries to explain to him that masters don't consider them human "they look at me and they see a weapon, they look at her and see a whore" and Tyrion reminds them "they look at me and they see a misshapen little beast" lmao wonder if it's ever awkward for Peter Dinklage to say lines like that and tells them being underestimated is good but Grey Worm snaps "you will not use them, they will use you, that is what they do"



then with Jorah and Daario they are hiking up a huge desert mountain getting exhausted and Daario starts talking shit about how Jorah is too old and out of shape to "ride the dragon" and Jorah asks "what?" and he explains "our queen, she's wild you know, don't let her size fool you, it's hard enough for me and I'm a young man, you, I don't think your heart could take it!" and Jorah stares at him like he's restraining himself from punching him and keeps walking as Daario starts up again "must make you angry that our queen chose me" lmao LITERALLY THE CHAD DAARIO VS. THE VIRGIN JORAH but Jorah fires back "makes me sad, you'll disappoint her before long" and they start argying about how they need to work together as if they'll even fight over co-operation and Daario says "I have nothing to gain from fighting you, if I win I'm the shit who killed an old man, if I lose, I'm the shit who was killed by an old man" and Jorah just glares at him and says "you didn't get much dicipline as a child did you?" and Daario claims "none!" despite literally being a slave as a child lul, and then they finally get to the Dothraki city and Jorah points out "Eastern Market, Western Market" wow very inventive names that he learned when he was last there and explains that Dany is probably with the other widows in the temple and goes to take his belt off but he's not taking a piss he's leaving his sword behind as they have strict sword control down there and Daario points out to this gungrabbing libtard cuck "isn't it forbidden to sneak into their city and steal their khaleesi?" and he explains they can just pose as traders as there's no way to fight them all and Daario does the meme where he hands over his weapons but Jorah insists he hand over his one last knife but as he reaches for it... Daario sees Jorah's greyscale, and he just says "don't worry, it didn't touch you" and Daario asks "you know what happens?" and Jorah grumbles "I know what happens" then that night THE DOTHRAKI ARE HAVING PUBLIC SEX as the two men sneak in and spy on them and Daario oggles them saying "I should have been born a Dothraki" and Jorah raises an eyebrow like he agrees he is a barbarian at heart



and then they leapfrog sneak as fast as they can behind the buildings but bump into two Dothraki and start pretending they're lost on their way to the market and Jorah claims in Dothraki he's there to sell wine but they walk up to him and stare at him and then decide "they're not merchants, go get the others" and THE OTHER DOTHRAKI LEGS IT AND DAARIO GIVES CHAISE AND JORAH TRIES TO FIGHT HIS GUY BUT HE BLOCKS ALL HIS PUNCHES EASILY AND BEATS HIM DOWN AND JUST AS THE OTHER DOTHRAKI IS ABOUT TO SCREAM FOR HELP DAARIO GRABS HIM FROM BEHIND AND SNAPS HIS NECK



AND JORAH IS GETTING HIS ASS HANDED TO HIM SO HE THROWS SAND AT THE GUARDS FACE... who simply dodges it and looks at him like really bro? lmao and Jorah sits there super awkward like well I had to try



JORAH FUMBLES AT THE GUARD WHO SIMPLY GRABS HIM BY THE THROAT AND STARTS CHOKING HIM BUT... A KNIFE BURSTS THROUGH THE GUARDS CHEST and he looks down like b-but muh knife control laws thats illegal and he slumps down to reveal DAARIO BROUGHT HIS DAGGER ANYWAY LMAO



and he cleans it off and hides it again and Jorah tries to compose himself from almost getting killed as he's too old for unarmed combat and warns "if they find a body with a stab wound the whole city will be after us" so DAARIO STARTS CAVING THE DEAD BODY'S SKULL IN WITH A ROCK to obscure the cause of death, smart thinking



then in the widow's temple the women are gossiping about Aquaman breeding with a foreigner and the and the leader woman explains to Dany that they've always diluted their blood and points out there are other foreign women there too and asks a girl how old she was when she was married and she says TWELVE and talks about how her husband broke her ribs for giving birth to a girl and Dany looks at her compassionately realizing these women suffer like she did and they warn her of the other possibilities if the leaders don't let her leave being le ambiguous about it and Dany insists on going to get water and the abused wife goes with her and she asks how old she was when her husband died and she says "sixteen" and Dany instantly says "shame he didn't die sooner" and the beaten wife comes out her shell for the first time allowing herself to agree and then asks Dany "is it true you have three dragons?" with Dany confirms much to her amazement and she asks "do they breath fire?" and Dany offers to let her see but she's convinced she'll die there and as if to prove her right DAARIO GRABS HER AND PUTS A KNIFE TO HER THROAT and Dany gasps "dont hurt her!" and Daario whispers "she'll give us away" and Jorah growls through his still hoarse throat "we have to go now" but she tells them they'll never get out alive (fucking dumb since they clearly just snuck in but ok) and Dany gets that crazy look in her eyes and says "we can do more than that... and you're going to help me" and Daario and Jorah look at each other like here we go again as Dany asks the girl not to betray her and even though Daario has a knife to her throat Dany believes her and nods for him to let her go, ok this is gonna be a long and boring storyline I'm sure but at least they didn't have the whole story being Jorah and Daario trying to rescue her and is now Dany trying to take over her *checks notes* sixth group



then in Margaery's dungeon that she's been in for for like a year that cunty Nun comes in without saying a word and takes her out down a dark hallway and shoves her into... the High Sparrow's room, which actually has daylight coming in, the dungeon is just entirely walled off, and he asks "if I were to let you go right now where would you go? what would you seek out?" and Marg's eyes struggle to adjust to the light as she says "I'd go to my brother, my husband, my family" and the High Sparrow reminds her that means seeking out money, refinery, power, as her family have sin, and he admits he used to seek those things too and she just sits there sad as he tells her his life story that he grew up with his father being a cobbler and when he died he invested all his time into making the best shoes to make more money and when he got a taste of a rich life he felt he was ascending and Marg mocks where his probably made up story is going "and then you walked through a graveyard and realized it was all for nothing and set out on a path to righteousness? Book of the Stranger verse 25" as Septa Unella has been reading the entire book AT her, and he admits "you're close, but it wasn't a graveyard, it was a feast" and describes a party with wine and cags he threw to show off to his friends but when he awoke the next day all his rich friends were laying around naked, baring themselves to the world which I guess is where he got the idea of public nudity from, and describes with disgust how they stunk and all the fine food was already rotting away, and it made him realize how it was all bullshit and just a lie he was telling himself about being an important rich man and the poor on the street were closer to the truth than he ever was and Marg asks pretending to care "so what did you do?" and he says he went to find the poor "I didn't even put on my shoes, I walked out the door and never went back" and Marg looks down confused like she can't even contemplate doing that but he sees her weakness and stands up offering to take her to see her brother and then a sparrow puts Marg into Loras cell and locks her in and she sees he's slumped limp in the corner and doesn't even respond as she calls his name as if he thinks it's just his imagination but then he suddenly sits up with a start and she hugs him and he breaks down crying having been kept in there for a year and she tells him "listen to me, you need to stay strong" but he admits "I can't stay strong, I was never strong" and she starts ranting "you are the future of our house, our family" and he cries "I dont care!" and Marg wants to know if he told them that and he sniffles "I just want it to stop... help me" and breaks down sobbing in her arms and Marg explains "they want me to help tear you down, it's why he's letting me see you, and if either of us give in to what they want, then they win!" but Loras is not as strong willed as his sister and insists "then let them win! just make it stop, please!" and keeps crying as Marg holds him and realizes maybe it was her they're trying to tear down by showing the state of her brother



then with Cersei she's eavesdropping on Pycelle telling Tommen that in his experience not setting off fanatics is the most important thing but she barges in before he influence her son with anymore cuck shit and does the "leave us" meme but he refuses for once and insists he's there to counsel his King but Tommen dismisses him and he gives Cersei a catty look and leaves as agonizingly slowly as he can just to really fucking wind her up and she gives him a tired look like she can tell it's an act and then she talks to her son about the High Sparrow with Tommen repeating Pycelle's pussy shit that they shouldn't antagonize him in case he hurts Marg but she takes his hand and reminds him what he already did to her but placates him by saying Marg's safety is paramount but Tommen knows "you don't like Margaery do you?" and Cersei sighs and says it doesn't matter because respecting Queens is even more important than Kings which is an interesting thought since people can fear Kings even if they don't respect them but if society doesn't respect a woman then she's not got much left to rule with and she points out the High Sparrow doesn't have any respect for anything in this world and wants to knock it all down for his fantasies *tips fedora* but Tommen reveals he spoke to the High Sparrow much to Cersei's alarm and he stresses over breaching his confidence but Cersei says she knows that hypocrite would hate it despite his constant prattling on about the truth and assures him "I am your mother, you can always trust me" and Tommen goes to spill the tea sissssss

but then we see Cersei and Jaime marching into the Small Council meeting that only has Kevan and Lady Tyrell in attendance to adjourn it and she reminds them they're not welcome but Cersei reminds her Tywin understood working with your rivals and Lady Tyrell just chuckles "my dear, you have been stripped of your dignity and authority, publicly shamed and confined to the Red Keep, heh, what is left to work with?" and Jaime reminds her "Cersei is the mother of the King, she has the King's ear and his trust" and manipulates her by saying "and he's been speaking with the High Sparrow regularly of Lady Maergary and Ser Loras" which gets under her skin and Cersei points out the High Sparrow is counting on them in-fighting as he seizes the Kingdoms and tells her that Margaery will soon do her walk of atonement, oh I wanna see that! and Lady Tyrell just smiles and says "oh no, that cannot happen, that will not happen" having been won over by Cersei as she'll do anything for her grandchildren and Jaime sits down confidently saying "you have the second largest army in Westeros, you'll bring them into the city, stop Queen Margaery's humiliation before it starts and take her back into Crown custody" and Kevan whines that Tommen ordered him not to do anything to the High Sparrow out of fear for the queen's saftey (how fucking hard is it to save one woman from some nuns in a prison in a city you own? it seems the writers forgot all this palice intrigue shit only makes sense because it's always simmering below the line of violence, when it's clearly time for war and it doesn't happen it becomes fucking retarded, JUST FUCKING KILL THEM, THEY'RE HOLDING THE QUEEN CAPTIVE IN YOUR OWN FUCKING CITY) and Jaime explains he wont be doing anything, it's the Tyrells that will, and as Kevan is about to say Tommen might order him to do something Jaime rolls his head not believing his uncle is such a bitch not doing anything for his uhhhh g-... great-niece-in-law? and tells him it'll be over before he knows it and won't be angry at the outcome and when he sits there in silence like a cuck Cersei calls him out "do you want your son back or do you want him gone for good?" in my mind I just got Lancel confused with Loras again lmao thinking wait he's married to a Tyrell but then I remembered Lancel is a brainwashed sparrow cuck now and that wins Kevan over and Cersei tells him "so stand aside and let the people who took him be destroyed" and Kevan warns there might be a civil war if they fail but Lady Tyrell is a real nigga and says "many will die no matter what we do, better than than us"



then with Theon we see him on a ship sailing into the absolute rainy shithole that is the Iron Islands and he looks on the castle he last saw 5 years ago and takes a deep breath and we see him entering the extremely fucking dark throne room to find Yara who says she couldn't believe it when they said he was back and assumes "he let you go?" and turns around when Theon mutters "I escaped" but she's not sure it's really her brother and not Reek and barks "I cant hear you?" and Theon says louder "I escaped" still not able to raise his voice and Yara demands "look at me" but Theon's too ashamed truamatized and fucked in the head and stares at the ground and Yara marches up and demands "look at me!" so he forces himself to as she bitches about the men who died trying to rescue him in that extremely retarded contrived scene and she says "you were a spoiled little cunt but you were my brother and I risked everything for you and I betrayed you" and Theon starts sniffling and saying "I know I'm sorry" but she doesn't want to hear any more what she thinks of as weakness out of him and tells him to stop say sorry but he goes on "he broke me... he broke me into 1000 pieces" and Yara says "he sent us one of those pieces, that's why I came for you" and Theon breaks down sobbing learning that his penis got mailed to his father and sister lmao and she asks "why did you come here? you heard father died and thought you'd claim the crown?" but Theon insists "no no I only heard he died after we docked" but she doesn't buy it and looks him up and down in disgust and tells him he'll never be accepted as king and he starts whimpering that he doesn't want to be king and tries to suck up to her but she insists "stop crying!" and grabs him and yells "look at me! tell me what you want?" and he struggles to look her in the eyes as he cries but he tells her "you should rule the Iron Islands, let me help you" and she lets go amazed at how different he is

then in Winterfell Ramsay is edgily peeling an apple, real subtle imagery there bravo, when his men drag in a cleaned up Osha and he asks "you seen my banners? does that worry you at all?" and Osha just asks "you eat them after?" and he chuckles and says "no" like that's ridiculous and Osha looks out the window unimpressed and says "then I've seen worse" and Ramsay looks over with a huge grin as if he loves it when a woman is as fucked up as him but when Osha just glares at him like do something nigga he scoffs to himself for thinking they'd get along and he'd ever find a girl like Myranda again so he sits up seriously, puts his apple and knife down and waves her over to talk about her serving the Starks, and she plays it off as she was forced to and only kept Rickon safe to sell him off claiming she considers the Stark family to owe her compensation for her services, and Ramsay seems to buy it but points out he already has him so what use does she have and Osha smiles naughtily and says "I could give you want you want" and Ramsay warns "and you're sure you know what that is?" and Osha sits on his lap and says "same thing all men want" and Ramsay smiles at how she's not exactly got the full picture and she points out "and when they really want it they give it a bath first!" and starts making out with him and rubbing up on her... but the camera refocuses on his pearing knife... and Ramsay pulls her back by her hair and says "you're a good talker, I like that" and starts kissing her again but then gets an evil grin and says "you're a much better talker than Theon Greyjoy" knowing she knew him, maybe even that he was one of the ones that spared her, and she asks "that so?" and Ramsay gets all hot and bothered as if remembering what he did to Theon is more of a turn on as he tells her "I had to work hard to get him talking, but he talked, they all do" well not really he was singing like a canary from the get go and as they make out... Osha reaches over for his knife while he keeps saying "he told me everything, all about the Stark boysssss, who helped them escape... and how she did it" except fucking Theon added nothing to the boys escaping but ok and Osha realizes oh fuck he's onto my just fuck em lmao tactic and



OSHA LUNGES FOR THE KNIFE BUT RAMSAY RAMS HIS OWN BLADE INTO HER NECK!!!



NO OSHA!!! SHE WAS CUUUUUTE!!! AND OSHA TRIES TO HOLD THE BLOOD IN HER NECK AS SHE STUMBLES BACK GETTING THAT SHOCKED LOOK PEOPLE GET WHEN THEY DIE



AS RAMSAY JUST SITS THERE CASUALLY WATCHING AND CLEANING HIS KNIFE OFF AS SHE COLLAPSES AND BLEEDS OUT ON THE FLOOR and he just goes back to cutting a chunk off his apple and eats it perfectly happy with himself wow thanks for bringing back that character after 2 and half seasons for that good stuff



then at Castle Black a rider from the Bolton's rides in with a white flag to talk peace and at dinner Sansa eyes a very disgusting looking rabbit stomach or whatever the fuck as Jon is alerted of the visitor and Brie sits there awkwardly as the men all eat like dogs, especially Tormund who just stuffs a lamb leg into his mouth while eyeing her as if he likes em tall, and Edd just sits there awkwardly saying "sorry about the food, it's not what we're known for" to Sansa and Podrick and a man comes in with a message for Jon despite him insisting he's not Lord Commander and when he notices the edgy seal he opens it up expecting a severed penis or something in it and reads "to the traitor and bastard Jon Snow, you allowed thousands of Wildlings past The Wall, you have betrayed your own kind, you have betrayed the North, Winterfell is mine bastard, come and see, your brother Rickon is in my dungeon" and Jon looks up terrified at Sansa who knows better than him how bad that is and Jon goes on "his direwolf's skin is on my floor, come and see, I want my bride back, send her to me bastard and I will not trouble you or your Wildling lovers, keep her from me and I will ride North and slaughter every Wildling man woman and babe living under your protection" and Tormund clenches up as he hears the threats to his people as Jon finishes "you will watch as I skin them living you..." and Sansa insists "go on" but Jon drops it saying "it's just more of the same" so she picks it up determined not to be scared by Ramsay and keeps reading "you will watch as my soldiers take turns raping your sister, you will watch as my dogs devour your wild little brother... then I will spoon your eyes from their sockets and let my dogs do the rest, come and see, Ramsay Bolton, Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North" NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL YE OLDE SHITPOSTING! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 115 maybe this is a stretch but maybe the repeated use of "come and see" is an illusion to the notoriously grim 1985 soviet movie of the same name about Nazi war crimes in Russia, either way I love Ramsay's extremely edgy troll posts he sends people, if only he was born in the modern day then he could have just lived a and Jon asks "Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North?" and Sansa updates him, somehow, "his father is dead, Ramsay killed him, and now he has Rickon" and thankfully he didn't send any evidence so Jon can hope "we don't know that" but Sansa snaps "yes we do" and Tormund just wants to know "how many men does he have in his army" and Sansa says 5K and Jon asks how many he has and Tormund says 2K as the rest are children and old people, implying the women will fight too, and he looks helplessly at Sansa who insists "you're the son of the last true Warden of the North" which I just realized is a sort of like devolution that England gave Scotland where we have a First Minister and Parliament but it's still legally more a caretaker role as we're not independent yet and still have our taxes controlled by London (since fucking brainlets voted No) and she insists "Northern families are loyal, they'll fight for you if you ask... a monster has taken our home and our brother!" taking his hand and staring him in the eyes telling him "we have to go back to Winterfell and save them both" and Jon looks off sad as if he came so close to just having a peaceful life but the gangsta life drags him back in as he nods to her



then in the Dothraki city the leaders are arguing about the dead body and lawyering the rules of if it counts as carrying a weapon or spilling blood and they decide fuck em lmao he died like a bitch so whatever, then they order Dany brought in and one says "who cares about her? she's a midget" but the other eyes her up and down saying "I like her" and another derides "she's paler than milk" but another sneers "I'd like to know what a khaleesi tastes like" I guess that's just the term for actual female ruler not queen since surely this guy has his own wives and another one jokes "good, you can suck my dick" and everyone laughs, wonder what they think of actual gays in their culture, and one brings up how the Yunkai masters want her for ten thousand horses but the main guy who's name I forgot says fuck em too he'll just steal them all and Dany says in Dothraki "don't you want to know what I think?" and they all recoil at a woman speaking back and the leader guy asks "you'd rather be sold into slavery?" and offers letting his friend fuck her but she turns down both and he reminds her "we don't care what you want, you have no voice here" unless they decide she's an official widow and Dany looks around saying "I know where I am, I have been here before" and talks about her pregnancy being announced there, leaving out the episode with her brother, and the leader taunts her "and what happened? you trusted a sorceress like a fool, your baby is dead because of you and so is Khal Drogo" and she starts walking around ranting about all the war Aquaman promised to wage for her in Westeros and he mocks her for believing him so she mocks their tiny ambitions of raiding loval villages calling them "small men, none of you are fit to lead the Dothraki, but I am, so I will" and they all perk up knowing they're gonna have to beat her ass but they just burst out laughing as she just stands there and the head guy turns down her widowship and decides "instead we'll take turns fucking you and then we'll let our bloodriders fuck you and if there's anything left of you... we'll give our horses a turn" and Dany just gets a big smile remembering what she did to the last man in that exact spot she's standing who said that exact edgy shit to her and the leader guy stands up and yells "you crazy cunt, did you really think we would serve you?"



and Dany... puts her hand on the metal fireplace thing and says "you're not going to serve, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE"



and the crazy barbarian music from when she got the Unsullied kicks off as DANY SHOVES OVER THE FIRE STAND SETTING THE HORSE RUGS ON THE FLOOR ALIGHT AND TIPS ANOTHER OVER BLOCKING THE DOTHRAKI LEADERS TRYING TO FLEE AND THEY ALL COWER AS THE FLAMES START CREEPING UP THE FLAMMABLE THATCHED BUILDINGS ROOF



AND THEY START RUNNING AROUND SCREAMING CATCHING FIRE THEMSELVES BUT DANY JUST STANDS THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS INFERNO AS THE DOTHRAKI WARLORDS ARE HIT WITH FLAMING CEILING AND TWO MANAGE TO GET TO THE DOOR BUT IT'S BEEN LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE BY JORAH AND DAARIO WHO KILLED THE GUARDS AND THEY SEE A CROWD OF PEOPLE RUNNING OVER TO WATCH THE GRAND HALL GO UP IN FLAMES AND MORO TURNS TO SEE...



DANY TIPPING OVER THE FINAL FIRE STAND SENDING FIRE RACING TOWARDS HIM IMMOLATING HIM



and the crowd stare in horror as the front door of all their warlords collapses as the entire building is one big fireball but OUT FROM THE HELLFIRE WALKS... DANY, HAVING HAD HER DRESS BURNED OFF, COMPLETELY UNHARMED



AND ALL THE DOTHRAKI LIKE HER TITS SO MUCH THEY BOW DOWN TO HER AS THEIR NEW QUEEN



including the old widow lady and Jorah and Daario walk through the crowd and look up at their love as she stands before the blazing inferno and Jorah kneels down too and Daario, having never seen Dany's fire resistance powers before, gawps at her in amazement, but joins everyone else down on their knees, well I'm really glad this dumb storyline was over literally the next scene was not looking forward to Dany le reintegrating into boring as fuck Dothraki culture and using her x-men powers to get kills was cool and I kind of like how Dany is shown being naked because of her fire abilities that empower her just as much as being shown naked because men are degrading her by now so a woman can look badass topless just like men often are in genre material rather than to objectify them but this theme of "you can become the leader if you just murder the current leader lmao" is quite fucking retarded, why would anyone follow Elly when she's so clearly emotionally compromised wanting revenge to the extent she'll kill her brother in law, their King they're sworn to protect who did nothing but keep the peace for them? why would anyone follow Ramsay when he killed his own father and is a psychopathic madman who looks about 23? why the fuck would any of these people follow Dany who just murdered all their leaders? literally just because her X-Men superpower is to be fireproof? and they're superstitious brainlets? she's lucky this proud warrior culture that respects their leaders as their most powerful fighters didn't take badly to this outsider killing them in an unfair cowardly manner and, you know, kill her, but that's Dany for you





Game of Thrones 6x05: "The Door"
we Hiro Nakamura now special edition
First aired: May 22, 2016

we open on Sansa doing what women should be doing and sewing her jacket when she receives a message from CIA and asks the deliverer "how far is Molestown?" and we cut to CIA standing in some trashed bar that looks like it's been raided, I guess this is the hooters style establishment that got Wildling'd while Gilly was there, and Sansa walks in to meet with him but is followed by the imposing Brie who makes CIA brick it as he wanted her alone to weasle his words into her or worse, so he starts bullshitting about how "how happy I am to see you unharmed" but Sansa is down one virginity and snaps "unharmed?" and cuts to the chase and CIA explains he rode North to save her with the Knights of the Vale but Sansa doesn't believe it asking "did you know about Ramsay? if you didn't know, you're an idiot, if you did know, you're my enemy" woah now Sansa stop pointing out plot holes in your own show also not to defend Ramsay and obviously getting raped by a complete madlad who tortures people for fun is worse but uhhhh she'd pretty obviously be getting raped on her wedding night no matter who she was married to in this fucked up world unless it was someone as nice as Tyrion who would probably not last long in a Bolton family and CIA and when he stands there trying to think of bullshit to say Sansa steps forward and asks "would you like to hear about our wedding night? he never hurt my face, he needed my face, the face of Ned Stark's daughter... but the rest of me, he did what he liked with the rest of me as long as I could still give him an heir, what do you think he did?" and CIA looks genuinely disgusted as he seemed to actually like having Sansa as a scheming sidekick and she probably reminded him of how fierce her mother was and he whispers "I can't begin to contemplate-" but Sansa insists "what do you think he did to me?" and CIA stands there completely frozen for once not knowing what to say and Sansa glares at him and when CIA goes to try to move on Brie insists with her hand on sword "Lady Sansa asked you a question" and CIA offers "he beat you" and Sansa answers "yes, he enjoyed that, what else do you think he did?" and when he tries to avoid it she insists "what else?" he asks "did he cut you?" just say he raped her which is the obvious thing that was going to happen and Sansa figures "maybe you did know about Ramsay all along?" and CIA insists "I didn't know" and Sansa points out "I thought you knew everyone's secrets" as Brie glares at him for possibly arranging Sansa to get raped and beaten and CIA claims "I made a mistake, a horrible mistake, I underestimated a stranger" and Sansa says quickly "the other things he did ladies aren't supposed to talk about those things but I imagine brothel keepers talk about them all the time... I can still feel it, I don't mean in my tender heart it still pains me so, I can still feel what he did in my body standing here right now" while staying composed and staring CIA down



interesting how social norms about not discussing sex end up protecting abusers more than anything else really gets your noggin joggin about why certain patriarchal religions might have insisted on said social norms and CIA isn't sure what to do in a situation that requires empathy so forces out "I'm... so... sorry" in a breathless tone and Sansa reminds him "you said you would protect me" and CIA promises "I will, you must believe me when I tell you that I will" but she snaps "I don't believe you anymore, I don't need you anymore, you can't protect me, you won't even be able to protect yourself if I tell Brienne to cut you down" lol bullied you beta bitch and she asks "and why shouldn't I?" and CIA not having any dignity asks "do you want me to beg for my life? if that's what you want, I will, whatever you ask that is in my power, I will do" and Sansa tries to control herself and asks "what if I want you to die here and now?" and CIA says "then I will die" and Sansa sums up "you freed me from the monsters who murdered my family... and you gave me to other monsters who murdered my family" welcome to GoT bitch and she decides "go back to Moat Cailin, my brother and I will take back the North on our own, I never want to see you again" and CIA claims "I would do anything to undo what's been done to you... I know that I can't, will you allow me to say one more thing before I go?" which is how you know it's gonna be some cheeky cunt shit trying to manipulate you and Sansa just glares at him and CIA starts droning on about muh family tree "your great-uncle Brynden the Blackfish has gathered what remains of the Tully forces and retaken Riverrun you might consider seeking him out, the time may come when you need an army loyal to you" and when Sansa insists "I have an army" CIA taunts "your brothers army?" and takes the opportunity to walk closer as he reminds her "half-brother" and walks out without her permission, so Riverrun is where the Twin Towers AKA Red Wedding took place at right? I thought CIA was going to point out she needs his men to battle the Bolton's but I guess that's so obvious he'll let her figure that one out



then with Arya she is training the cunty girl again in staff training not matching her perfectly now she can see again and had to learn how to defend against her just on sound alone but the girl still manages to get her on her back and taunts "you're not ready, you should go home before it's too late" but Arya does le ebin gymnastics move where she flips herself back up onto her back you'd never do irl rather than just stand up and to show how better she is the cunty girl drops her own staff and fights Arya with her bare hands as she still flails her staff at her but the cunty girl can get so close to her that she gets the staff off of her and punches her in the face and insists "you'll never be one of us Lady Stark" I guess it's probably just an act to try to get under Arya's skin to test her resolve but uhhh this cunty girl seems to have a personality of her own and in fact so does Jaqen but I guess you could say he just acts like a pretentious mysterious prick as a way to entice new members to his organisation (that's ridiculous and would never be allowed to exist as a free standing group in this world where physical power is everything) and the man himself appears and tells her "she has a point" and she follows him as he tells her "none of the first Faceless Men were born to lords and ladies, they began as slaves in the mines of Valyria" and when Arya asks "who was the first?" Jaqen cheekily says "he was no one" wow nice meme and they walk through the hall of all the harvested faces that seemingly arn't harvested at all actually and like magic hologram cloth or some shit and he tells her "the Many-Faced God taught him how to shed his face and how to give the gift" not sure poisoning someone requires godly intervention but ok and he talks about how the man recruited more until all the masters were gone (and then the place was destroyed by a volcano lmao rip) and he claims the Faceless men founded the Free City of Braavos and shows them the faces he claims they wore in life, I think the pretentious way of saying their original faces, and he offers her to join them if she desires, but she replies "a girl has no desires", which is the right answer, despite her obviously desiring to serve him, and he offers this brainwashed child soldier some poison, but it's not for her this time and she realizes "who?" and he gives her her next target "an actress who calls herself Lady Crane, she performs at the theatre in Sheelba Square, a girl has been given a second chance, there will not be a third, one way or another, a face will be added to the hall" I guess he just sent someone else to kill the dodgy life insurance guy and in Sheelba Square we see a crowd laughing as they watch A PLAY MOCKING THE DEATH OF KING ROBERT GETTING KILLED BY A BOAR LMAOOOO



and the actor gives his dying speech "oh! murdered by a boar! the great big hairy whore! he dug in his tusks! and dug out my guts! and soon I am... no more!" and I think maybe the actress that's the target plays Joffrey, kind of like the reverse of how in Shakespearean times female roles were played by male roles as women weren't allowed on stage, comes up saying "oh come father in bed you must lie, I love you Father please don't die!" but "ROB" SLAPS "JOFFREY" I guess the rumors of how his family slapped him spread lmao and he declares "shut up you swine! Cersei, more wine!" lmaooooooooo I love these in-universe satires, and an actress playing Cersei comes in delivering a more dramatic speech about her son not having a father left as "Joffrey" puts his face to her bosom as if the actors are putting in the incestuous undertones between them that existed "irl" lmao and "Rob" declares "Ned Stark will do fine, now bring me more wine!" and a dwarf with a dodgy scar drawn on his fface and a prosthetic big silly nose playing Tyrion tops him up and then A COMICALLY LECHEROUS "NED" COMES ON STAGE GRABBING HIS CROTCH AND GOING "OOOOOFF!!" WHEN HE SEES "CERSEI" LMAO



playing on how he cheated on his wife and had a bastard and "Tyrion" declares he'll be his Hand and "Ned" delivers a joke about "Rob" stinking too much to go see him but "Rob" leaps out of bed to yell at Ned but falls over lamenting "I die! I die! and here I must lie!" and "ROB" GIVES OUT A GREAT BIG FART AS HE DIES and the crowd laughs hysterically including Arya but when "Cersei" and "Ned" argue about who's in charge now her face screws up sad as they're making fun of how her father got killed and depicting him as a stupid Northern oaf blundering into an obvious betrayal and the in-universe scene transfers to "Joffrey" on the throne slapping Ned away from it and being betrayed by "Tyrion" which I guess is the public assumption now he is notorious for killing his own nephew and father and CIA managed to keep it under wraps it was him and the crowd all laugh as a confused Ned is taken away by cartoonish soldiers and "Joffrey" is crowed King and Arya looks on disgusted as an actress playing her sister Sansa comes on stage begging for her father's life as "Ned" is now in a stockade and "Cersei" begs "Joffrey" to be forgiving too as "Ned" nods with a goofy grin as they depict Joffrey as deciding on mercy implying he actually had good PR at least abroad and off to the side there's ye olde easter egg of "Tyrion" giving "Illyn Payne" a bag of gold as the public probably assume he's behind everything dodgy to ever happen in King's Landing even though he wasn't even there at the time and the executioner swings his axe anyway and "Ned" ducks behind the stockade and tosses out a wooden prop head lmaoooo and the crowd all gasp as "Sansa" grabs the head and cries but then laugh when the guards take it off her to play catch with it as Arya looks on booty blasted and Joffrey is depicted as loving attending to his distressed soon-to-be-wife and "Tyrion" comes on with a cartoonish decree declaring Tywin has made him Hand for life and "TYRION" GRABS "SANSAS" HAND AND PUTS IT TO HIS CROTCH as he declares she'll be his wife and "Sansa" cries out in disgust and he slaps "Joffrey" as he tries to stop him sending him cowering behind "his mother's" skirt lmao and "Tyrion" tells her "you'll learn that what I lack in height, I make up for in appetite!" and "TYRION" TEARS "SANSAS" DRESS DOWN REVEALING HER BREASTS and all the men in the crowd cheer but all the women gasp in shock lmaooooooo as "Tyrion" snarls "so let's forget about your plight, and go rehearse our wedding night!" and drags her off stage as Arya sits there rustled about her sister being raped being a bit in a comedy show, ok that was pretty ebin but you can tell they're trying to recapture the awkward mean spirited atmosphere of Joffrey's wedding since the dumbass normies the show started trying to appeal more and more to found it funny but it just comes across as goofy here



and then behind the scenes we see, oh, I guess it actually was a guy playing Joffrey and not a woman since WE SEE JOFFREY'S ACTOR EXAMINING HIS PENIS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE LIKE SOME YE OLDE HARVEY WEINSTEIN SHIT and he's whining "it's a wart! two warts! I've got two fucking warts on my cock!", again I wonder if they had to specify for an actor who was uncut because of the setting lmao, although I read somewhere that Peter Dinklage is actually the only American actor in the whole cast so that's not an issue if they're casting mostly British talent (which is why the acting is so good since Amerifats can't act and literally get trained not to "ugly cry" lmao) and the actually quite eloquent actor who plays Ned tells him "well don't worry love they usually go away in five or six years" much to the young mans annoyance, take it he's getting a lot of strange pussy as they travel around the world and women from all over fancy fucking the blond King of Westeros, and the director insists Sansa act better, and the girl decries her small speaking part lmao as maybe a bit of a jab at how women are usually given fuck all to do in most shows, and the actor who plays Tyrion actually is a bit of a creep and walks straight up to eye level with her breasts as she changes out of her costume to tease her and she playfully slaps him on the head as Cersei's actress laughs and the dwarf sees she approves and starts flirting with her too plying her with wine but she seems into it actually and Arya eyes the bottle of wine, I guess meaning she's her target, and they playfully drink to their future children



and later Arya tells Jaqen that "a girl will poison the rum, Lady Crane is the only one who drinks it" although I'm not sure that's true, it seemed like the dwarf was drinking from it too, although maybe that's the point and Arya is fine killing him too for being apart of this show mocking her family, and she requests to have one of the faces, which are apparently really easy to use since she just stole them last one, but he says "a girl is not ready" and Arya starts fishing for why he wants her dead and he asks "does death only come from the wicket and leave the decent behind?" and Arya says "no... who wants her dead?" and he says "that doesn't matter, the price was paid" oh I didn't realize they were for profit lmao, so all this talk about death being truly unbias or whatever the fuck is bullshit and really they're bias for who can afford to hire shapeshifting assassins, hela fucking ebin my dude and Arya deduces that it was actually the younger actress who's jealous that the older one is better than her but Jaqen tells her "a servant does not ask questions"

then in Bran's gamer cave he's warging into another flashback with the old man to see some standing stones around one of the holy white trees that has someone running around it and in real life he breathes hard as in the dream or vision or past or whatever he walks up briskly to see who it is and he finds that it's the children of the forest, the weird elf people, and they all seem female, and their leader seems to be the one Bran is friends with IRL who hasn't aged a day, and they've got a man tied to a tree and THEIR LEADER INSERTS A KNIFE ALL THE WAY INTO THE MAN'S CHEST...



TURNING HIM INTO A WHITE WALKER!!! wow thanks a lot you elf bitches, maybe that was even the King if he was the first one and it looked like the knife was maybe dragonglass so that's how it can kill them, and Bran wakes up and accuses "IT WAS YOU! YOU MADE THE WHITE WALKERS!" and the elf lady justifies "we were at war, we were being slaughtered, our sacred trees cut down, we needed to defend outselves" and Bran asks "from whom?" and she snaps "from you, from men" and storms off yeah fuck the patriarchy ok so uhhhh cant you like.... unmake them? guess she could be the only one left but I guess that makes the White Walkers le rogue super soldiers which is the plot of every sci-fi story ever told lul



then in the Iron Islands everyone is gathered to choose their new King and everyone looks at Theon expecting him to do it but Yara steps forward announcing herself and a man yells out "we've never had a queen!" and Yara points out they've never done a lot of things since to Westeros they are just annoying flies to be swatted down, true lmao their people are pathetic, and the men all agree at how disrespected they are and Yara starts a speech that when she's queen she'll build a fleet but a middle aged grey man storms out insisting a woman can't lead them insisting it should be Theon who looks at the ground hoping no one knows he can't exactly carry on the family name and Yara looks sad having her brother dragged into this but also worrying that he still resents her and will turn on her but Theon steps forward as everyone watches him expectantly and he announces........... "she is your rightful ruler!" and gives a big speech about how great a commander Yara is as everyone yells "aye!" in agreement as some have served under her and he stands beside his sister in support as he says "this is your queen!" and everyone cheers "Yara! Yara! Yara!" as she looks at her brother like it's almost painful for him to be doing so right by her when she had written him off entirely but then from the crowd marches a man yelling "I AM EURON GREYJOY! I CLAIM THE SALT THRONE!" and everyone mutters in shock to each other as Euron walks up and pats Theon on the face saying "little Theon" and says to the crowd "heard you managed to fuck things right into the ground... captured a castle you couldn't keep... got yourself taken prisoner... even heard you have no cock" and the men all laugh probably thinking it's just a stupid rumor and Euron mocks "explains why you think a woman can be king!" as Theon looks down sad and Euron says some edgy shit about how he "had some things to take care of... long overdue" and Yara gets the very heavy handed implication that he killed her father so she steps forward saying "now I know what my first act as Queen will be... TO EXECUTE THE MAN WHO KILLED MY FATHER" and the crowd all gasp and mutter to each other and Euron admits "I DID, I KILLED HIM... THREW HIM RIGHT OVER A ROPE BRIDGE AND WATCHED HIM FALL" and Yara looks around worried that he's not scared of it being known at all and that it's working and no one is offended and he gives a speech about how he was a loser who led them into two hopeless wars and he only apologizes for not killing him years ago and Theon speaks up trying to take on a more commanding voice pointing out that he was gallivanting around the world when this was all happening and his uncle just fires back "gallivanting? that the sort of thing you start to say once your dick gets chopped off?" lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo and all the men laugh harder starting to figure maybe it's not just a joke and Theon points out Yara was their leader the entire time he was away and she starts her speech again saying "I will build the largest fleet the world has ever seen!" but Euron points out he'll be the one doing that as he has naval experience all over the world and he tells them "across the sea there is a person who hates the great lords of Westeros just as much as we do" hmmmm is he going to run on a platform of allying with Dany to fuck over their enemies? and aaaah yes he says "someone with a large army, three large dragons... and no husband" and explains his plan is "I'm going to build that fleet and I'm going to gallivant right over and give it to Daenerys Targaryen along with my big cock!" and Yara mocks "you're going to seduce the Dragon Queen?" but he says "my fleet will seduce her and together we're going to take the Seven Kingdoms" and the men all seem to like this plan and he declares "I wasn't born to be King, I paid the iron prince and here I stand" and everyone starts cheering "Euron! Euron! Euron!" since their shithead culture enforces just murdering people to get what you want which is probably why they don't get very far in life lmao and Yara looks concerned at Theon and I guess they just support him more as we cut to Euron being given the ritual Theon went through where the priest purposefully drowns him in the sea while giving a prayer to the Drowned God as Yara and Theon and some men loyal to them run like fuck to some rowboats to get out of there before Euron can have his only rivals taken out and we see the man himself drowning as the priest talks about letting his old self die as "what is dead may never die" and lets him float to the surface and then two men drag him out and leave him on his back to I guess see if the Drowned God blesses him as they don't even try to revive him maybe no one has invented CPR in this world yet but they all just stand there super awkward staring at this unconcious guy but he does start coughing up water and turns over breathing hard which I'm not sure is how it works and you'd most likely die if no one gave you medical attention and the priest crowns him with a super shitty wooden crown and announces him their new King and he asks "where are my niece and nephew?" his mind already on "LETS GO MURDER THEM" so all the hundreds of men loyal to him march to the other side of the island to find "they stole our best ships" lmao ruuuuused but Euron mutters "won't be enough to save them" and orders his men to start building more ships so he can take on the whole of Westeros OK HOL UP, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON THIS SEASON? FIRST ELLY TAKING OVER DORN BY KILLING DORAN, THEN RAMSAY TAKING OVER THE BOLTONS BY KILLING ROOSE, THEN DANY TAKING OVER THE ENTIRE DOTHRAKI CIVILIZATION BY KILLING ALL THEIR KHALS AND NOW EURON TAKING OVER THE IRON ISLANDS BY KILLING BALON, PEOPLE BECOMING KING BY JUST PERSONALLY KILLING THE LAST ONE IS LAZY AS FUCK WRITING BUT DOING IT FOUR TIMES IN PRETTY MUCH THE SAME AMOUNT OF EPISODES IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS



then speaking of shit writing we cut to Dany overlooking the Dothraki camp, her sixth group she's gotten control over in as many seasons but now she has like hundreds of thousands of people at her command, and she talks to Jorah about how she sent him away twice but twice he has came back to save her and she doesn't know what to do with him but goes to hug him but Jorah says "you must send me away" and shows her his greyscale that's all up his arm before dickhead Daario grasses him up and she asks "is there a cure?" and Jorah shaking says "I don't know" and she asks "how long does it take" and he says "I don't know either but I've seen what happens when it goes far enough... I'll end things before that" since he doesn't want to live as a mindless zombie that attacks people, although it would be funny if you can actually live a perfectly fine life with it and those "stone men" who attacked him were just the shithead criminal bandits of that community and like just pretending to be savage monsters to scare people and make it easier to rob him lmao and Dany tears up saying "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry" and Jorah ever the beta orbiter says "don't be, all I've ever wanted is to serve you" ok I'm into femdom too but you're taking the fetish a bit too far m8 and he tells her "Tyrion Lannister was right..... I love you" and Dany tries to stop from crying as he keeps on saying "I'll always love you... goodbye Khaleesi"



and walks off to go neck himself in the desert I guess now he knows she's safe as she's scared he'll start losing his mind or something but Dany finally gives in and says "do not walk away from your queen Jorah the Anda, you have not been dismissed, you pledged yourself to me, you swore to obey my commands for the rest of your life, well I command you to find the cure! wherever it is in this world, I command you to heal yourself and then return to me, when I take the Seven Kingdoms I need you by my side" and they both tear up looking each other deep in the eye and he nods in agreement not giving up just because she tells her to and then on a horse by himself off to go on his quest he watches as Dany and Daario lead the massive hoard of Dothraki out of their city amazed at how his Queen has amassed even more forces, yeah almost like she's a total Mary Sue innit m8



then in Meereen the Cockless Crew™ are discussing how the SotH have stopped attacking and only two masters were murdered but that was the day of the pact and Varys insists it's safe to say they have a fragile peace but Grey Worm is not so convinced and Tyrion, quite the little Goebbels/Steve Bannon and says they need to make it seem like it was Dany's idea since the SotH have the good story of "resist the foreign invaders" but "our Queen has an even better story: Mother of Dragons! Breaker of Chains! and all that" and proposes they find a hero of the people and when Varys asks "where do we find him?" Tyrion does the "who said anything about him?" epic meme as we cut to them interviewing Kinvara, the High Priestess of the Red Temple of Volantis and a bunch of other dumb memetitles and we see a woman who's wearing the same necklace as the Red Lady, hmmm maybe she's not what she seems too, and I was expecting it to be the asian lady they saw in I think Pentos but maybe this woman will fuck up the interview and it'll end up being them they go to and Tyrion wasn't thinking of someone specific he just wanted a woman in general to keep up the mother theme or maybe that's the same character and just a totally different woman is playing her lul, and Tyrion tries to charm her but she just stands there in silence I guess he's hoping she speaks English but she does and starts talking about how Dany was sent by the Lord of Light and she knows Tyrion heard that belief on the Long Bridge at Volantis hmmm is she meant to be the same character or do they all just share information somehow and she claims "the dragons will purify the nonbelievers by the thousands, burning their sins and flesh away" ALLAH AKBAAAAAAAAAAR and Tyrion can tell she's a wacko and tries to tell her "the Mother of Dragons has followers of many different faiths" since they're going for a progressive multiculti platform but she tells him this is the best way to have her obeyed, to use religion to convert and control people, but Varys butts in pointing out that didn't go so well for Stannis Baratheon oooooooh gotcha thot and when she doesn't reply for the Red Lady's mistakes he taunts "I suppose it's hard for a fanatic to admit a mistake, isn't that the whole point of being a fanatic? you're always right, everything is the Lord's will..." since ah yes the writers remember the storyline where he despises mystics even though we never saw what he did to the man who actually castrated him and she just replies robotically "everything is the Lord's will... but men and women make mistakes, even honest servants of the Lord" and he asks "and you... and honest servant of the Lord, why should I trust you to know any more than the priestess who counselled Stannis?" and Tyrion tries to calm the situation by saying "my friend has a healthy scepticism of religion" EUPHORIC ATHEISM CONFIRMED HIGHEST IQ BELIEF



"but we are all loyal supporters of the Queen" and Varys bows in agreement and Kinvara reiterates "everyone is who they are and where they are for a reason, terrible things happen for a reason, take what happened to you Lord Varys when you were a child, if it were not for your mutilation at the hands of a second rate sorcerer you wouldn't be here, helping the Lord's Chosen bring light into the world" and Varys just looks condescending at her like bitch it'll take more than my most famous attribute to get in my head and she claims "knowledge has made you powerful, but there's still much you don't know" and he furrows his brow as if that's what pisses him off, not knowing something, and she asks "do you remember what you heard that night? when the sorcerer tossed your parts in the fire? you heard a voice call out from the flames, do you remember? should I tell you what the voice said? should I tell you the name of the one who spoke?" wtf does that mean, the dark entity they claim the Lord fights against? and Varys looks super shook as he's probably never told anyone but Tyrion that story and she pushes "we both serve the Queen, if you are her true friend you have nothing to fear from me" and Varys looks disgusted at her for trying to manipulate him like that and Tyrion just stands there like wtf, inb4 he told her that story to manipulate Varys into hiring her (although that would be good writing so don't expect that from season 6)



then with Bran he is laying there in a cave he's been laying there for 2 years understandably bored and he tries throwing a rock at the old man as he sleeps lmao to no reaction other than the crow cawing in the distance like maybe he wargs even in his sleep and the Bran starts crawling his way over to a tree root that I guess is apart of his body and when he touches it he enters whatever warg he is doing and finds himself in a snowy place... that's now the old white tree where the standing stones were in his last vision as if Winter has Come™ and fucked that place up, thanks climate change! and Bran looks sad as he turns around to see... AN ARMY OF ZOMBIES and he walks into them examining the insides of their exposed skulls and shit like a zoomer who's watched too much of The Walking Dead and then he looks up on a zombie horse to see... THE WHITE WALKER KING... AND HIS THREE WHITE WALKER RIDERS



clearly a stand-in for the four horsemen in abrahamic mythology and THE WHITE WALKER KING LOOKS DIRECTLY AT BRAN and he looks behind himself to make sure he's not getting memed again and he's not looking at someone behind him but ALL THE ZOMBIES ARE LOOKING AT HIM TO



and when he turns back THE WHITE WALKER KING IS STANDING RIGHT THERE AND GRABS BRANS ARM AS HE SCREAMS IN TERROR



and wakes up with a scream and yells to the startled old man "HE SAW ME! THE NIGHT KING! HE SAW ME!" and the man says "he touched you" and Bran thinks it's a question and says "I don't know he was close" but the old man aint asking "he touched you" and Bran looks down to see A FROSTY HAND PRINT ON HIS ARM oh fuggg I think that gag was done in a Harry Potter movie where he has a vision of Voldy who can see him too or something but it's a good meme and the old man warns he's been doxxed "he knows you are here, he'll come for you" and Bran thinks "he can't get in" but he old man explains "he can now, his mark is on you, you must leave, all of you" welp guess Bran got his wish to leave, and Meera immediately asks Hodor to help her with their sledge and Bran says "I'm sorry I didn't mean to" to the old man and he just says "the time has come... for you to become me" and Bran asks scared "but am I ready?" and the old man simply says NO and Brans eyes go white as if his warging to maybe imply the old man is transferring part of his soul to Bran or maybe even stealing his body if that was his epic masterplan all along since giving Bran his body wouldn't be much help if it's stuck there in a tree with the Night King coming there



then with Jon he is looking at a battle map of the situation in the North at a table with the eclectic crew of Brie, Sansa, The Red Lady, Davos, Edd and Tormund and whining "we can't defend the North from the Walkers and the South from the Boltons, we if want to survive we need Winterfell and to take Winterfell we need more men" and Davos sums up that "aside from the Starks and the Boltons the most powerful Houses in the North are the Umbers, the Karstarks and the Manderlys, the Manderyls and the Karstarks have already declared for the Boltons so were' not doing so well there" and Sansa decides "the Umbers gave Rickon to our enemies, they can hang" wew lass but she defends "but the Karstarks declared for Ramsay without knowing they had another choice" and Davos has to say "I beg your pardon my lady but they know a Stark beheaded their father, I don't think we can count on them either" and Sansa looks around pissed off explains her father always said Notherners are loyal but Davos points out none rose up against the Boltons and explains "I don't know Northerners but I know men, they're more or less the same in any corner of the world and even the bravest of them don't want to see their wives and children skinned for a lost cause, if Jon's going to convince them to fight along side them, they need to believe it's a fight they can win" which sounds about right on both parts that people usually have the same motivations no matter where they're from and you can be an edgy prick all you want but it just makes your enemies make sure they're going to win before they do anything and Jon suggests recruiting "Glover, Mormont, Cerywn, Mazin, Hornwood, two dozen more, together they equal all the others, we can start small and big" and Sansa does the "the North remembers" meme insisting they'll avenge the Starks but Davos reminds them "Jon doesn't have the Stark name" and without missing a beat Sansa immediately says "no but I do" and everyone looks at her awkward so she says "Jon is every bit as much Ned Stark's son as Rramsay is Roose Bolton's" lol rekt and she brings up the Tully's would back them against the Boltons for what they did to their family bragging her her uncle "the Blackfish" has taken Riverrun and Jon asks "how do you know that?" and I guess being ashamed of working with CIA or knowing they'd want him dead and she wants to keep him as a possible ally up her sleeve for herself she lies that "Ramsay received a raven before I escaped Winterfell" and Brie looks down trying to do a poker face as she knows it's a lie and Davos says that's a great start



but then outside Brie is bitching at Sansa but not for lying for Sansa ordering her to go see the Blackfish as she's the only one she can trust to get it done right and Brie sighs saying "I don't like leaving you here alone" and Sansa asks "with Jon?" and she says "no he seems trustworthy a bit brooding perhaps I suppose that's understandable considering... the others though... Davos and the Red Woman helped a man murder his own brother with bloodmagic and when Stannis paid for his crime where were they? already out looking for a leader with better prospects, and that Wildling fellow with the beard!" creeped out by him eyeing her lmao but Sansa assures her Jon isn't like any of them and will always protect her but Brie brings up her lying about the Riverrun intel and she doesn't have an answer, then outside Jon awkwardly compliments Sansa on the new clothes she made saying "I... I like the wolf bit!" lmao Jon is such a furry and she says "good, because I made this for you" and hands him a new coat that she made based on the one Ned used to make and he actually looks super proud of it as he always wanted to be like Ned, then we see Tormund staring at Brie some more making her cringe which just makes him smile, oh lovable Tormund that wacky probably rapist! and then Jon is telling Edd not to rekt the place until he gets back, I guess he's leaving too to get more support from other houses, and they hug being each others only remaining friends, and then all the other main characters ride off to I guess go with Jon but ol Edd and some lad asks him "should we close the gate Lord Commander?" and Edd corrects him "I'm not the Lord Commander" but then looks around at how there's fuck all men left and they'd be fucked if anything happened so swallows "yeah, close the bloody gate!" lis

then with Bran and the old man still warging Meera is talking to Hodor about how happy she is to leave this fucking cave and he chuckles "hehodor!" in agreement as she adds not having to eat moss anymore oh I guess that's how they survived wait is that moss technically apart of the old mans body lmao and she starts describing all the lovely meals they'll be able to have again and Hodor gives a big satisfied "oh hodooorrr" imagining it but then she suddenly gets super shook, looks at Bran and runs as fast as he can out of the cave as if she hears something but I think it's just the creepy score but in that score is that ticking clock sound that got ripped off for Dunkirk and she findf the elf girl and some other elf girls standing looking out at THE NIGHT KING, THE WHITE WALKERS AND THEIR ZOMBIE ARMY OH FUUUUUUUU-



and Meera absolutely fucking bricks it as THE NIGHT KING STEPS FORWARD, PUTS HIS HAND TO THE GROUND AND CAUSES CRACKS IN THE EARTH TO SPREAD TO THE CAVE BEHIND THEM AND THE ELF GIRL YELLS "GET BRAN AND RUN!" AS SHE RUNS INSIDE GRABBING HER SWORD AND THE NIGHT KING TAKES OUT AN ICE AXE OFF HIS BACK AND ALL HIS ZOMBIES START ADVANCING ON THE CAVE AND MEERA SHAKES BRAN TRYING TO WAKE HIM UP AS HODOR SITS THERE ROCKING BACK AND FOURTH SAYING "HODOR! HODOR!" but Bran and the old man are still warging into the past to see lil shota Ned hugging his big brother goodbye as he's about to leave and Meera drags over the sledge and yells for Hodor to help get Bran on but he's having a panic attack in the corner as THE WHITE WALKER ARMY IS SLOWLY MARCHING ON THE CAVE AND THE ELF GIRLS THROW THEIR INCENDIARY GRENADES AT THEM BLOWING ZOMBIES THE FUCK AWAY LIKE SOME LEFT 4 DEAD PIPEBOMB SHIT



BUT THERE'S TOO MANY SO THEY IGNITE A ROW OF TWIGS THEY PUT GOING ALONG THE GROUND TO FORM A PROTECTIVE SHIELD OF FIRE AND RETREAT TO THE CAVE BUT... THE NIGHT KING'S AURA IS SO COLD IT EXTINGUISHES THE FIRE AND HIM AND THE THREE WHITE WALKERS STRUT THROUGH AND AS THEY LEAVE IT SPREADS AGAIN KEEPING THE ZOMBIES OUT SO THEY ALL ZERG RUSH UP THE HILL THE CAVE IS UNDER TO THE OTHER EXIT WAITING TO AMBUSH THEM



hey pssst guys you could just drop down over the first cave entrance to bypass the fire but ok and we see Meera struggling to get Bran into the sledge as he's still in the warging flashback hearing his grandfather or whoever telling whatever his uncles name was "remember you're a Stark, comport yourself with dignity at the Vale... and try to stay out of fights" as the not yet Old Nan holds young Hodor sad to see his friend leave but his father grabs him by the chin and tells him "but if you have to fight... win" lmao and Meera tries to wake up Bran as A ZOMBIE DROPS DOWN FROM ABOVE HAVING BURROWED IN BUT MEERA SAWS IT IN HALF WITH HER SWORD AND WHEN A SECOND JUMPS IN IT ALMOST KILLS HER WITH A MEAT CLEAVER BUT SUMMER DIVES ON TOP OF IT TEARING IT APART



AND HODOR JUST SITS THERE FREAKING OUT AS THE ELF GIRLS RUN IN AND ZOMBIES HANG DOWN FROM THE CEILING TRYING TO GRAB THEM BUT THE MAIN ONE STABS ONE IN THE EYE AND TEARS ITS FUCKING HEAD OFF OH SHIT



AND MEERA SHAKES BRAN SAYING "WAKE UP BRAN WE NEED HODOR" AS THE ELF GIRLS FIRE ARROWS AT THE ZOMBIES BUT A ZOMBIE WILDLING SMASHES AN ELF GIRLS BRAINS IN AND A ZOMBIE THENN BURSTS IN TRYING TO EAT ANOTHER AND MEERA SCREAMS INTO BRAN'S EAR "BRAN WAKE UP WE'RE GONNA DIE!!" which he hears echoing in the flashback vision and he hears her voice screaming "warg into Hodor now!" over and over again and he looks over at young Hodor seemingly confused what time period he is in and the old man recommends "listen to your friend Brandon" and Bran starts to hear adult Hodor panicking and saying his meme on a loop as he looks at young Wylis and BRAN MANAGES TO WARG INTO PRESENT HODOR THROUGH YOUNGER HODOR IN HIS VISION



AND AS MEERA HACKS AT ZOMBIES WITH HER SWORD AND THE ELF GIRL RAMS THEM BACK WITH HER SPEAR BRAN STANDS HODOR'S BODY UP BUT... A WHITE WALKER ELDER WALKS IN AND WHEN AN ELF JABS HIM IN THE ARMOR WITH A SPEAR TO NO EFFECT HE RAMS HER THROUGH WITH HIS ICE SWORD



AND BRAN MAKES HODOR GRAB THE SLEDGE BRAN'S BODY IS ON AND SCURRIES OFF WITH HIMSELF AS MEERA GRABS THE SPEAR AND THROWS IT INTO THE WHITE WALKERS NECK... EXPLODING HIM INTO THOUSANDS OF CHUNKS OF ICE!!!



AND THE CAVE STARTS FLOODING WITH ZOMBIES SO SUMMER SNARLS TO TRY TO KEEP THEM BACK AS MEERA AND THE ONE REMAINING ELF GIRL FLEE OUT THE OTHER EXIT AND TO BUY THEM SOME TIME... SUMMER SACRIFICES HERSELF BY CHARGING INTO A PILE OF ZOMBIES MAULING THEM



BUT ALL THE OTHERS IRONICALLY DOGPILE HER AND START MAULING HER BACK NO DOGGYYYYYYYY!!! AS BRAN DRAGS HIS BODY AS FAST AS HODOR'S CAN RUN WITH MEERA AND THE ELF BY HIS SIDE AS A FLOOD OF ZOMBIES COMES RACING DOWN THE CAVE BEHIND THEM



and back in the main cave the old man sitting in the roots is still warging as the Night King walks past his two remaining White Walker Elders up to him and the old man, god whats his name, let me see, I guess fans call him the 3ER aka the Three Eyed Raven, ok, well uh the old man since that's easier to type tells Bran still beside him within the flashback "the time has come... leave me" as the Night King raises his weapon IRL and the old man grimaces as Bran preparing himself for the end as THE NIGHT KING SLICES HIS ICE BLADE THROUGH THE THREE EYED RAVEN'S REAL BODY



MAKING HIS FORM IN THE WARG VISION DISSIPATE INTO ASH LIKE THANOS JUST SNAPPED AND BRAN'S REAL BODY FLINCHES IN ITS SLEEP



AS THE ZOMBIES CLIMB UP THE WALLS AND CEILING SO EVEN MORE CAN CHASE AFTER HIM AND HIS FRIENDS AND THE ELF GIRL REALIZES SHE CAN'T LET A DOG GET ALL THE GLORY AND STOPS IN HER TRACKS AND MEERA SHRIEKS "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" AND SHE SCREAMS AT HER "GO!"



AND SHE TURNS TO FACE THE HOARD OF HUNDREDS OF ZOMBIES FLOODING TOWARDS HER AND TAKES OUT HER LAST INCENDIARY GRENADE, CHARGES IT UP WITH HER ANCIENT MAGIC AND LETS THE ZOMBIES DOGPILE HER AND START STABBING INTO HER WITH THEIR BARE BONE FINGERS TO GET AS MANY AS SHE CAN AROUND HER AND THEN DETONATES THE GRENADE



OLD GODS AKBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR



and Meera recoils looking back at the huge fireball dissipating and Bran starts trying to get Hodor to ram the now fucking close door down as Meera sees MORE ZOMBIES RUNNING OUT OF THE SMOKE AND SHE SCREAMS "HODOR! HURRY!" AS HE JUST BARELY MANAGES TO OPEN THE DOOR, GET BRAN AND MEERA OUT AND SLAM IT SHUT AND STRUGGLE TO HOLD IT AS DOZENS OF ZOMBIES PILE INTO IT AND MEERA YELLS AT HIM "HOLD THE DOOR!"



which makes Bran in the flashback turn to look at Wylis aka lil Hodor as he hears her voice echo around him... and WYLIS LOOKS OVER AT BRAN as "hold the door!" echos around the flashback Winterfell and WYLIS' EYES GO WHITE AND HE COLLAPSES AS THE SPACETIME WARG CONNECTION GOES ON FOR TOO LONG AND BRAN HAS TO KEEP USING HIS FUTURE BODY TO HOLD THE DOOR SHUT AND MEERA YELLS BACK "HOLD THE DOOR!" AS SHE DRAGS BRANS BODY OFF INTO THE SNOWSTORM AS NOW HUNDREDS OF ZOMBIES PILE INTO THE OTHER SIDE



and in the flashback, which is actually the real Winterfell like 40 years ago Bran is really astral projecting to, he hears "hold the door!" scream around him as he sees "Wylis" having a seizure on the ground but he can't break the connection through him or him and Meera are fucked and Nan dives to his side and asks "whats the matter? come on son!" and WYLIS STARTS SCREAMING "HOLD THE DOOR!" AS HIS FUTURE BODY HEARS MEERA SCREAMING AS BRAN CONTROLS IT THROUGH HIM TO KEEP THE ZOMBIES IN AND BRAN WATCHES FROM WINTERFELL AS WYLIS SPEECH STARTS TO SLUR "HOLD THEDOOR! HOLD THEDOOR! HOLDTHEDOOR!" AS HE REALIZES... BRAN IS THE ONE WHO GAVE HODOR HIS BRAIN DAMAGE AS A YOUNG BOY FROM WARGING INTO HIM FROM THE FUTURE FOR TOO LONG



BUT HE CAN'T STOP AS THE ZOMBIES HANDS ARE STARTING TO BREAK THROUGH THE DOOR HE'S USING HIS FUTURE BODY TO HOLD SHUT AND BRAN SEES THROUGH HODOR'S EYES MEERA LOOK BACK AS SHE ESCAPES INTO THE PITCH WHITE SNOW WITH HIS BODY AS ZOMBIE HANDS BURST OUT ALL AROUND HODOR'S BODY AND GRAB HIM AND BRAN CAN ONLY WATCH IN WINTERFELL AS HE FRIES WYLIS BRAIN MAKING HIM WRITHE AROUND ON THE GROUND SCREAMING IN TERROR "HOLDTHEDOOR! HOLDTHEDOOR! HOLDTHADOOR! HOLDTHADOOR! HOLDTHADOOR! HOLDDADOOR! HOLDADOOR! HOLDADOOR! HOLDADOOR! HOLDOOR! HOLDADOOR! HODOR! HODOR! HODOR! HODOR! HODOR! HODOR! HODOR! ...HODOR... HODOR... HODOR...... HODOR"



as I guess he's forced to experience his older body most likely dying and maybe it's not the Warging that makes him braindamaged and he could have survived having his fit but having his mind linked to his future self as he fucking dies is what gives him it, ok, I actually didn't know that was coming, when I said I knew how he got his braindamage I just saw screencaps of Hodor holding a door and people saying it was retarded that Hodor actually means "hold the door" but I just assumed that was a screencap from a flashback and assumed that he got brain damage trying to hold a door from some attack on the Starks and kept saying "hodor" because that was the last thing he heard/was saying as he was getting sashed in the head by enemies attacking or something but this was quiiiiiiite the fucking meme and most likely probably a retcon or not what GRRM intended in the books since older Hodor clearly has a scar on his temple and they gave it to young Hodor too to try to explain away oh a-actually he d-d-d-didn't get braindamage from physical injury a-after all heh and this is some wacky Heroes style shit with people teleporting about in time effecting the plot but you know what I like it, there I said it, it's a cool twist that it turned out to be Bran who gave one of his best friends his braindamage since it plays into the theme of no good deed going unpunished, that that's what he had to do to save himself and Meera, not only sacrifice Hodor in the present but doom him to a lifetime of mental disability and it also works as a good moment for it to be revealed that BRAN CAN FUCKING TIME TRAVEL since it makes it a tragic curse but also kind of lets you know this is a "whatever happened happened" LOST style ruleset where he can't actually change anything with it, only learn things to use in the future, and if he does cause anything to happen, he'll have always done that, so nothing will actually be different in the future, he was just always destined to cause that to happen in some infernal infinite loop, which kind of plays into the themes of free will and destiny, the idea of effecting the world with your memes instead of genes and I guess since he takes Wylis from himself and makes him be Hodor the theme of identity and how it's effected by others too, and also this season is really fucking bad with all it's ebin twists that are "just stab the king to be king lul" over and over again so I'll take a twist that's at least entertaining and something wacky to shake up the setting with, basically what plothole thing homie heheheh fuck it duuuuuuuuuuude



Game of Thrones 6x06: "Blood of My Blood"
ghost rider special edition
First aired: May 29, 2016

we come in on Meera who's the last Bran friend squad left carting his body on the sledge through the tundra gasping in terror that the zombies will get her and dumbass Bran who couldn't just wake himself up from his warging is having flashes of visions of... time for some LOST style frame-by-frame screencapture analysis... some men in a cellar taking some big glass balls of something off a shelf, a dragon, a dragons shadow over King's Landing, I think the Mad King himself screaming on the Iron throne, the Night King in Hardhome raising his arms, the zombie Eskimo lady, Bran falling from the broken tower, Dany and her dragons being born, the White Walker carrying Craston's infant son, the Night King converting him, the Mad King and Dany again and then Ned being beheaded and Meera keeps dragging the sled as far as she can but she collapses in the snow but makes herself keep going as Bran gets the same flashes again but with the crows that attacked Sam and then... a man pouring wildfire into a jar as the Mad King screams "BURN THEM ALL" and a huge bright green fireball rushes through a cellar, a man unsheathing a blade in from of the Mad King that's presumably Jaime, Ned asking Arthur "where's my sister?", Jaime killing the Mad King



Robb dying, the elf lady, the White Walker attacking Jon, flashes of all that shit as the wildfire explosion flies through a cellar presumably with the barrels of ale having wilfire hidden in them but then in real life HOARDS OF ZOMBIES ARE RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS and Meera collapses again and tries with all her might to pull Bran along but she breaks down crying as she finds she's too weak and she gets on top of Bran and takes his head hoping he'll wake up but he's still having visions of his fall, the wildfire being set up, the Mad King screaming "BURN THEM ALL" and then loads of flashes of the White Walkers and their zombie army at Hardhome as if... the Old Gods are giving Bran a little clue on what a good weapon against them might be hmmmmmm



BRAN FINDS HIMSELF IN FRONT OF THE NIGHT KING WHO GRABS HIM but it was just a memory of that vision... or was it... as the zombies close in IRL and Bran finally comes too and says "Meera... THEY'VE FOUND US" and she looks up to see the zombies moving in in the distance and she keeps crying and hugs him saying "I'm so sorry!" and covers him trying to protect him for at least a few more seconds but as the zombies close in A HORSE KICKS A ZOMBIE AWAY REVEALING A CLOAKED MAN ON TOP OF IT WHO IGNITES A MANACLE ON A CHAIN AND STARTS WHIPPING HIS FLAMING WEAPON AROUND TO RIDE IT STRAIGHT THROUGH A ZOMBIE



AND SETS ANOTHER ONE ON FIRE WITH IT AND JUST RIDES HIS HORSE THROUGH A SKELETON MAKING IT SMASH INTO ITS CONSTITUTE BONES AGAINST A TREE AND HE RIDES BY ANOTHER BEHEADING IT WITH A HAND SCYTHE AND THEN EMBEDS IT IN ANOTHERS RIB CAGE AND HE PULLS IT ALONG BY A CHAIN HE HAS ON IT PULLING IT APART



AND ANOTHER ZOMBIE GETS CLOSE SO HE LASSOS IT WITH HIS FLAMING CHAIN AND PULLS IT ONTO THE GROUND FOR IT TO WRITHE AROUND AS THE FIRE DESTROYS ITS BODY HOLY FUCK THEYRE BEING SAVED BY GHOST RIDER!!



AND THE HOODED MAN ORDERS "COME WITH ME! NOW!" AS MORE ZOMBIES CHARGE IN AND HE POINTS OUT "THE DEAD DON'T REST" SO SHE HELPS HIM GET BRAN UP ON HIS HORSE AND THEY ALL RIDE OFF TOGETHER uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ok I'm guessing this is us finally fucking seeing Jon's uncle, which would be Bran's great-uncle, Benjen who they keep hinting was seen beyond The Wall



then in Westeros we see four guards escorting a carriage with Sam, lil Sam and Gilly in it as she looks out the window amazed "it's so green!" and Sam impresses her by listing all the trees they get down there trying to take his mind off what's to come but he can't help but drop in the anxiety about now Summer's older so... the autumn colors will be coming in (wonder if Americans were confused at that line since they call autumn "fall" as if a 3 year old was trying to describe the season since that's when leaves fall down lmao) and she points out "you're nervous, you're a nervous talker" and when Sam shuts up she "says being a nervous mute is no better" and he explains he's scared to see his father again after he figured he'd never have to go back home to the man who disowned him and threatened to kill him lmao and Sam reminds her they have to lie that lil Sam is his biological son so his father will take them in and he'll have a good life growing up in a rich family and when she asks "what did you tell your family about me?" he looks nervous and says "I... told them I met you up North" and it transpires not exactly how far up North and Sam explains his father was hoping he'd make a man of himself by "killing some bloody wildlings" but Gilly seems to understand and looks out the window saying "I think we're here" as we see SAM'S FAMILY OWN A MASSIVE MANSION BIGGER THAN MOST KINGS CASTLES



and inside is an arrangement of servants to greet them and Sam's mother and sister rush down to hug him back home relieved to see him alive and well and Sam is shocked to see "Walla? gods, you're a woman now!" as his little sister aint so little anymore, thankfully they're not Targs or Lannisters lmao and she immediately starts bitching about the man with yellow teeth father says she has to marry and Sam introduces them to Gilly who gives a curtsy she somehow learned maybe from Shireen rip and she tries to politely say "I am happy to know you Lady Tarly" pretending to be not a wildling and then he introduces them to lil Sam who smiles and reaches for them as they are amazed to see Sam finally got laid and as this cute little 1 year old actor looks around at all the other actors doing a surprisingly good job of not staring off behind the camera like most very young actors do and his grandmother says "you've got a curious mind I can tell!" and gives him back to his mother who goes off to take a bath with his sister as she takes Sam off to discuss their father

and then with Tommen and the High Sparrow in the Sept they're discussing how TOMMEN IS GOING TO LET HIS WIFE BE MARCHED NAKED THROUGH THE CITY LMAOOO CUCKBOIIIIIIIII and he tries to control his temper that he's getting more and more like Joffrey with each time but seems to be going along with the High Sparrows demands thinking it's the best outcome for everyone and being gradually brainwashed by him and he assures him that the common people will be kinder to Marg than they were to Cersei for her charity work and Tommen admires that in her and the High Sparrow offers to let him see her and we cut to Marg sitting reading her not!bible as he lets Tommen in and he hugs her close and first thing he wants to know is "have they hurt you?" and she needs to keep up the appearances of being truly converted to this retarded religion so misses out the whole year in solitary thing and assures him that everything will be ok and Tommen gets awkward as he remembers the whole Walk of Atonement thing and he looks concerned when she seems fine with it and supporting the High Sparrow as she's pretending to be far more brainwashed than he is gradually legitimately becoming and she giggles "you think I'm mad, I sound mad!" and Tommen assures her she's right about the High Sparrow and he actually seems alright and Marg pretends to have gotten some self knowledge from the High Sparrow but Tommen insists she's always been a good person but Marg admits that was just for show, uh oh, maybe really giving into the ideology so she can be accepted better to save her brother, the same sort of fucked up identity changing shit Theon and Arya went through, and talks about how she was just lying to herself about being a good person but she loses Tommen who's not that brainwashed yet but she tells him it's a relief to let go for her lies and he asks "what about Loras?" and she claims "I will always love my brother, his soul is pure and perfect, his sins don't erase that purity they only obscure it, he just needs to atone for them... we all do, sooner or later one way or another the gods have a plan for us all" and Tommen stares at her confused about how she's talking about her own brother but seems to believe it



and then at Sam's place he sees Gilly has been put in one of his sisters ridiculous dresses and had her hair done and make-up did and she jokes "it's hard to walk in this" but he takes her by the arm and says "it's beautiful, you're beautiful" and then at dinner we finally see Sam's father awkwardly staring at his son and his new daughter in law as everyone gorges on food and Sam tries to make small talk with I guess his brother or brother-in-law about if the meat was hunted by them or not and the arrogant young man brags about taking a deer down from 70 yards in one shot and then asks Sam if he hunts over The Wall and Sam grabs "over The Wall if you don't hunt you don't eat!" and the posh twat asks "over there is it mostly deer or elk?" and Sam admits "rabbits... sometimes squirrels... I say we it's my friend Jon mostly... sometimes Edd... oh and Gilly she's quite a good hunter as well... or huntress" as Mr. Tarly glares at his Son embarrassing him yet again and Gilly freezes up as his mother says "I suppose it's quite common where you're from" but starts talking about an Umber she knew who trained all his daughters how to hunt so she doesn't mean that far North and his Walla or whatever gasps "your father taught you how to hunt?! our father would never teach us! I think our father could learn a thing or two from your father" making Lord Tarly grumble "that's enough of that" and she bites her lip to stop her from smiling, I can see why Sam is so fat since meal times at the table with his father must be stressful lmao and when Sam is offered some more bread his father snaps "NOT FAT ENOUGH ALREADY?" weeeeeeeew boiiiiiii and a self conscious Sam waves away the servant and Gilly looks sad that Sam's father is a dickhead too, well fifth times a charm Sam just murder your father and that makes you the new Lord isn't that how it works this season? but he instead nervously tries to change the topic to him becoming a Maester, I guess he hasn't heard that he could also be asking his father to chip in some men for Jon's war cause, and his dad just bitches at him about how the Night's Watch didn't make him a man and "you managed to stay soft... and fat... nose buried in books, spending your life reading about the achievements of better men... I'll wager you still can't sit a horse or wield a sword" and his mother tries to explain being the Night's Watch maester is a great honor but Gilly butts in insisting "he can wield a sword! he killed a Thenn! he killed a White Walker!" and the doofus brother-in-law laughs and says "there's no such thing" and Gilly slips up saying "I saw it with my own eyes on our way down to Castle Black, he drove a dagger into the Walker's heart, he risked his own life to save me more than once, he's a greater warrior than either of you will ever be" and Sam cringes as he can already tell what's going to happen as all his father took from that is "your way down to Castle Black? where did he kill a White Walker? where are you from? how'd you come to meet my son?" and Gilly just smiles as she's not afraid of this pompous spoiled prick after what she's been through and says "the Night's Watch came to our keep" and he demands "where?" and Sam tries to stop her but she admits "North of The Wall!" and he realizes "you're a Wildling" and everyone looks at how nervous Sam is and sees it's true and he starts ranting "the Seven Kingdoms have waged war against these savages for centuries and here I sit hosting one in my hall! thanks to my son... see that sword? it's called Heartsbane, it's been in our family for 500 years, it's Valyrian steel" and Sam looks up when he hears that since he knows that's now even more precious and his father boasts "only a handful of them left in the world, it's supposed to go to my firstborn son when I die, to him, he will never wield that sword, if he were to become Lord Tarly of Horn Hill it would be the end of this house, I took you for a Moletown whore when I first saw you and I made my peace with that, who else would have him? but I overestimated him... no... it was a wildling whore who seduced my son, this you getting back at me boy? hmm? bringing that to my table and making me DINE WITH IT?! and you got what you were after didn't you? a bastard, a half-breed bastard, your invitation to our home?" and his wife snaps at him "I've lost my appetite" and takes her daughter with her and he tries to explain "he dishonors us" but she snaps back "you dishonor yourself!" and his father just uses that against Sam "your mother's a fine woman, you're not worthy of her" but decides "to please her I'll take the Wildling in... she can work in the kitchens... the bastard will be raised here, but this will be the last night you ever spend in Horn Hill" as Sam looks down knowing he can't say shit for the sake of his charges sake



and later that night he's apologizing to Gilly for letting his father speak to her like that but explains he had to put up with it for them and she says she's just angry "horrible people can treat good people like that and get away with it" and Sam mutters he has to leave at first light and lil Sam can sense the bad atmosphere and starts crying and Sam can't take it and goes to leave but Gilly rushes up to gives him a kiss and assures him his father is wrong about what he is and Sam cries that he's got such a lovely girl and says "good-bye Gilly" and leaves before he gets any more upset leaving her to look around in amazement that she went from one of the poorest people in the world to one of the richest and makes sure lil Sam is ok as it's all for her but then SAM BARGES IN AND SAYS "WE'RE LEAVING" and picks up lil Sam insisting "we belong together, all of us!" and since Gilly doesn't have anything other than his sisters dress they can just leave right now and on the way to the front door SAM STEALS HIS FATHER'S SWORD and when she asks "won't he come from it" Sam quips "he can bloody well try!" as they leg it oh hohohoho nice one was expecting for it to be ages until Sam stands up to his father but I guess fuck it duuuude



them in Braavos Arya is watching another play about the King's Landing royal family and THIS PLAY IS MAKING FUN OF JOFFREY'S DEATH HAHAHAHA and they have a dude pulling away fake doves being released from Joffrey's cake and the actor with the two warts on his penis delivers a monolog about how much he loves Margaery who comes on stage to kiss to the crowd and the actor hams it up asking knowingly "uncle, will you share in my joy and be my royal cup bearer?" and the crowd gasps knowing what's coming as the dwarf playing Tyrion scurries up cackling "drink long and deep my noble King from this cup of sweet... wine" and he turns to the audience and lets them know "the last cup he'll ever drink, and vengeance shall be mine! heheheheheh" and the audience boo and hiss the now world-wide infamous cowardly traitor as "Joffrey" over-acts staggering around the stage choking and lamenting being poisoned as he points to "Tyrion" who waggles a comedic cardboard prop of a jug of poison as the audience gasps and boos as he runs off cackling lmao and Arya is the only one laughing as she's quite the edge queen with a love for poison



and her target, the actress for Cersei, gives a dramatic speech as she holds "her" firstborn son and Arya just watches with a big smile on her face glad to see that Joffrey died in hopefully as tragic circumstances at this probably knowing it was way more gruesome than they'd depict in a comedy but then gets sad as she realizes that this woman is actually a really good actress and doesn't seem to be doing anything wrong and she's going to have to kill her in the same fucked up cowardly manner and the crowd get all sad at her amazing performance of a grieving mother and Arya notices the actress for Sansa is indeed watching from behind the scenes getting jealous that she gets the only serious role that gets respect in the production while she's just there for sex appeal and Arya starts a big applause for her as the crowd all cheer her on and as the scene changes to... A PARODY OF TYRION KILLING TYWIN hahahaha as the dwarf actor creeps on set saying "what is that I hear and smell? someone I'll soon send to hell! it's time to see if truth they told, who said Tywin Lannister shits gold!" nah he just runs up debts mate and pretends to shoot the director who's playing Tywin on the toilet lmao and the actor gives a big dramatic speech as Arya sneaks behind the scenes and THE ACTOR PRETENDS TO SHIT HIMSELF AS HE DIES, BUT THIS TIME ON THE TOILET, AND THE AUDIENCE ALL BURST OUT LAUGHING LMAOOOOOOOOOOO and "Tyrion" ends the scene with a ye old fourth-wall break "my greatest crime! now I must flee, then sail across the Narrow Sea, to do unto YOU more treachery! don't fear Winter, fear me!" and fires his toy crossbow into the crowd who all boo him and look around worried wondering if it's true Tyrion is really in Essos, everyone being too dumb to realize that the only dwarf around there is the one who just walked off stage which would be quite the place to hide for the real Tyrion lmao



and as the director winds down the production and introduces all the actors for them to applaud Arya is sneaking poison into the bottle of rum with her target getting the biggest applause and then she flees quickly as the cast all return to their dressing room but the target catches Arya sneaking out and asks "I saw you yesterday in the audience, how many times have you seen this stupid play?" clearly wanting to do more serious material and Arya admits "three times" but all she wants to know is "did you pay?" and Arya admits "no" and the actress admits she used to do the same thing when "players" came to her village which is why she ran off to join them and gives Arya a smile assuming she has the same interest and takes her further behind the scenes while criticising the writing and Arya invites her to "change it, it would all just be farting, belching and slapping without you" and the actress smiles seeing her younger self in this girl and asks "how would you change it?" and Arya looks momentarily upset as she thinks of probably her own mother and tells her that Cersei would be angry and want to kill the person who did this to her and the actress asks "what's your name?" and Arya gives her name as "Mercy" *sheev voice* ironic and the actress says "you have very expressive eyes Mercy, wonderful eyebrows, do you like pretending to be other people?" which is ironic on the obvious level and on the meta level since Maisie Williams' oddest feature is her massive too far apart eyes that make her look like a gremlin lmao and Arya tries to resist the temptation of an easier peaceful life and also hanging about any longer at the scene of an about to be murder and blurts out "I have to go my father's waiting for me" and rushes of... then later we see the untouched bottle of wine, and the girl who plays Sansa lies to her how great she thought she was and the director whines "no laugh for Ned's death, these people are worse than animals!" and the actors all admit Lady Crane was the best but the director has a moment as they say in the business ranting about how he's the most important person and they're not fit to judge him and Lady Crane pours her poisoned drink and is about to sip but she cant bare to listen to this pompous twat going on anymore and stares at him until he gives up and struts off and when she finally goes to sip ARYA SLAPS THE POISONED DRINK OUT OF HER HAND and everyone stares at her like wtf and Arya just points to the younger actress and says "careful of that one, she wants you dead" and everyone stares at her like uhhhhhhhhhhhhh ya wot m8 but Lady Crane can tell she's serious and glares at the younger actress who looks around shook (ok in these days actors were considered on the same level as hobos and whores lmao so I guess the Faceless Men have some pretty low prices if she can afford them) and we see... the cunty girl has been spying on Arya the whole time (while wearing some oddly modern clothes)



and I guess Arya has decided she doesn't want to just murder any innocent person for money which wasn't exactly included in the brochure so she runs to retrieve Needle from the rocks she hit it in and she smiles as it's still there (inb4 Jaqen knew that and left it there as le ebin test) but then we cut to him actually starting to cut a dead man's face off when the cunty girl comes to give him the news that it went as how she expected and Jaqen sighs "a shame, a girl has many gifts" as he peels the dead mans face off and the girl says "you promised me" and Jaqen allows "dont let her suffer" as he removes the mans face entirely wow quite the personalities you two seem to have hmmmm gives me the big think this is all a sham and you just want to make some money and then in we see Arya going to sleep in some dark stone room with Needle beside her uhhhh she'd be pretty dumb to go back to sleep at that big building but maybe it's somewhere new



then in King's Landing we see the Tyrell soldiers all in shiny silver armor coming to meet Jaime in the city streets and uhhhh let me just point out that MACE TYRELLS ARMOR LOOKS LIKE COMPLETE SHIT LIKE ITS SOME PLASTIC CRAP and I doubt it's on purpose to point out his character gets no respect even from his own armorors I think it's just that the production values have gotten worse along with the writing quality of the show compared to when it started



and Jaime and Mace nod to each other and exchange "my lord"s and Mace gives a speech to his men in his squeaky Jordon Peterson esque voice "my friends, the hour has come, madness has overtaken this city! and grasped in its claws my children! but now we must drive it back under the rocks whence it cames! madness has had its day!" and Jaime sits on his horse cringing at his shitty speech but bites his tongue as he gets his men to march along and then at the Sept ooooh I'm gonna buuuuuuust they're getting ready for Marg's publicdisgrace.com scene as the High Sparrow gives his speech to the horny citizens "rich or poor, noble or common, if we sin we must atone" blathering on and on with his christfag shit that is hilarous that people actually believe this shit in 2019 but then he hears the crowd gasp as JAIME AND ALL THE TYRELL SOLDIERS MARCH UP TO THE SEPT and Marg gasps in relief she wont have to humiliate herself and out from the soldiers comes a cuckcage carrying Lady Tyrell who fans herself as all her soldiers stand into formation and snap to attention and the High Sparrow nods down "Lord Tyrell... Ser Jaime" who nod to him and Jaime smugly says "sorry to interrupt, we're here for Queen Margaery and Ser Loras Tyrell, give them to us and we'll be on our way" and the High Sparrow memes "I don't have the authority to give them to you and you don't have the authority to take them" and the huge crowd of his most loyal supporters closest to the Sept call out in support for him but the Tyrell soldiers are blocking them off and Jaime sighs that it'll have to be the way the old him would have liked as he gallops his horse up the steps super fast to say to the High Sparrows face "I speak for King Tommen of House Baratheon, First of His Name" as a Tyrell commander yells to his men "LOCK SPEARS!" and they all get ready to siege the Sept that's steps are flanked on either side by Sparrows armed with the clubs they fight with I guess to show they're non-lethal and try to spare you as best they can when fighting sinners and the High Sparrow memes "the gods don't recognize his authority in this manner" and Jaime fires back "you've already insulted one great house, it won't happen twice, every last sparrow will die before Margaery Tyrell walks down that street" and Marg gives Jaime a big smirk loving how badass her family is and the High Sparrow memes back "to die in the service of the gods would please each and every one of us... WE YEARN FOR IT"



and smiles and Jaime looks at his own cousin Lancel who glares back up at him as they decide they're ready to kill each other and the huge crowd stands there in silence waiting to see if a massacre breaks out but the High Sparrow announces "but there is no call for it today! there will be no walk of atonement" and Jaime looks surprised this guy actually backed down and Lady Tyrell looks up suspicious and Marg tries to hide how glad she is but the crowd all gasp and start booing and muttering angrily and Lady Tyrell walks up to Mace and gives him a stern look so he gives his general a hand signal who commands "order up!" to his men who put their spears back up and Jaime sits there with his mind racing trying to figure out his angle, maybe trying to rile the crowd up so they'll be the ones attacking the soldiers and the Lannisters and Tyrells get even worse PR when they kill random citizens than just sparrows, and the High Sparrow claims "Queen Margaery has already atoned for her sins by bringing another into the true light of the Seven" and the doors of the Sept open to reveal...



HE'S CONVERTED TOMMEN TO HIS RELIGION WHO WALKS DOWN FLANKED BY KINGSGUARD NOW WITH THE SEPTAGRAM SYMBOL ON THEIR ARMOR



and Tommen takes his wife's hand as Jaime looks on appalled as the High Sparrow yells to the crowd "together we announce a new age of harmony! a holy alliance! between the Crown and the Faith!" and Lady Tyrell looks shook as the crowd all goes apeshit clapping in support for Tommen and Jaime gives his newphewson a stern nod warning him not to go down this path but Tommen announces "the Crown and the Faith are the twin pillars upon which the world rests, together we will restore the Seven Kingdoms to glory" and the High Sparrow gives a smug look as the crowd all go absolutely bonkers in praise for Tommen and Margaery and dumb as dogshit Mace asks his mother "what's happening?" who snaps back "he's beaten us, that's what's happening!" and Jaime tries to control himself as he stares daggers at the High Sparrow



then in the Iron Throne room Jaime is ripping off his Kingsguard armor in front of his son who has Kingsguard between them, his great-uncle by his side and the room lined by Lannister soldiers in their red samurai get-ups and Tommen admonishes his uncle with his brainwashed bullshit "when you attack the Faith you attack the Crown, anyone who attacks the Crown is unfit to serve as Lord Commander of the Kingsguard" and Jaime reminds him "I've been a member of the Kingsguard since before you were born" and Tommen just sits there not knowing what to say and Jaime pleads "you don't have to do this, you don't have to do anything" and Tommen starts shaking he's so nervous and says "I have to answer to the gods" and Jaime yells "not when you're sitting in that chair!" knowing all the horrible things that chair's occupants have done telling some old man to fuck off can be the least of it but Tommen insists "the Crown's decision on this matter is final" and Jaime taunts ever the cheeky cunt "will I be walking naked in the street? or will I spend a few months in the Sept dungeons first to teach me about the god's mercy?" and Tommen awkwardly looks at his Hand and pronounces "you have served your house and your King faithfully for many years and you will continue to do so... but not in this city" oh my fucking god what a fucking brainlet little zoomer get this storyline over with already

and then we finally see Walder Frey again who's son is telling them they lost something and he grumbles "it's a castle! not a bloody sheep! presumably you still know where it is" and blames them for losing the Twin Towers which I thought was where they were right now to the Blackfish who he says they had right there in that hall so I guess he was Cat's uncle who I guess did a runner somehow? and his son tries to excuse himself but sighs as his dad starts ranting "for 300 years we kissed Tully boots!" and whines on and on insisting they take back Riverrun but they tell him the Mallisters, the Blackwoods and the Brotherhood are all against them and WALDER SLAPS HIS 10 YEAR OLD WIFE'S ASS EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 116



and says "if I want excuses I'll put her in charge! they're laughing at us!" and stands up ranting about all his enemies mockery and then tells them "you'll show them the knife you used to kill Robb Stark's child in his whore mother's belly and you'll show him the knife you used to open his niece's throat and you'll remind him who it was that got married at the Red Wedding in the first place: his nephew" and forces his loli wife to look up and watch as they march in... LORD EDMURE who they've been holding captive for 3 years, although he looks pretty good, just exhausted and long hair and Walder taunts him "cheer up, you're going home!"



then back with Jaime he whines to Cersei "I'm being sent to deal with the Blackfish, apparently Walder Frey can't manage it on his own because he's 400 years old" but Cersei reminds him "better you're elsewhere at the head of an army than in the Sept dungeons" but Jaime insists he's not going "I'm going to give Bronn the biggest bag of gold anyone's ever seen and have him gather the best killers he knows, I'll take them to the Sept and remove the High Sparrow's head and every other sparrow head I can find! HE HAS OUR SON! he stole our son! he tore our family apart! how should we treat someone who tears our family apart?" and Cersei answers "we will treat them without mercy but if you kill the High Sparrow you won't leave the Sept alive and without you this is all for nothing" and implores him to set a good example to their army by taking that castle back but he insists on being there for her trial but Cersei's not worried as she has The Mountain and assures him "they've made us both stronger, all of them, they have no idea how strong we are, no idea what we're going to do to them" and to get him to do what she asks CERSEI GRABS HER BROTHER AND SNOGS HIM ooooooooh yeaaaaaaaaaaaah and she licks his ear and tells him "we've always been together, we'll always be together, we're the only two people in the world" I'd say remember Tommen but yeah he's a fucking idiot



then with Meera she is watching the hooded man cut a rabbits head off and pour its blood into a cup and when he explains "the Three-Eyed Raven sent for me" she tells him he's dead and he murmurs "now he lives again" and as if on cue BRAN WAKES UP and the man teases "when I last saw you, you were a boy, a fearless boy, loved to climb the castle walls and frighten his mother" and when Bran asks "who are you?" the man takes his hood off and takes down his scarf and looks up to reveal a bit of frostbite on his cheeks and Bran recognizes him as UNCLE BENJEN yup actually genuinely called it since it's so weird they kept mentioning this dude but never showing him and he even wears his hair like Ned used to do with it long and the top pulled back and he explains that him and some rangers went North to find White Walkers but they found him and stabbed him with a sword of ice but "The Children found me, stopped the Walkers magic taking hold, the same way they made them in the first place, you saw it yourself" so I guess the 3ER sent him a message in a dream or something and Bran realizes "dragonglass, a shard of dragonglass plunged into your heart" wait so does this dude have like half-zombie superpowers now or some shit? and I don't get it does anyone who die up here turn into a zombie or like they just didn't even give him the dignity of killing them himself and were gonna wait for him to bleed out before the Night King if he's the only one who can raise zombies to raise him or some shit idk and he tells his nephew "you're the Three-Eyed Raven now" but Bran admits "I didn't have time to learn, I can't control anything" and Benjen tells him "you must learn to control it before the Night King comes" and gives him the cup of rabbits blood saying "one way or another he will find his way to the world of men and when he does you will be there ready for him and you will be ready" what is he gonna do warg into all the zombies and turn them on him or something ohhh my overarching mythology that's really vauge and dumb



then speaking of dumb side stories Dany is marching with her huge new army through the desert when she suddenly stops them all and asks Daario "how many days ride to Meereen?" and he says "a week at best" and she asks "how many ships will I need to bring my Khalasar to Westeros?" and he answers "Dothraki and all their horses, the Unsullied, the Second Sons... a thousand ships easily, probably more" and she asks "and who has that many?" and he shrugs "nobody" and psycho Dany says "nobody yet" as if she got the script for last episode and read what Euron is planning and Daario asks what's after this and she instantly says "I take what's mine" and he chides "you weren't made for sitting on a chair in a palace" and she dares "what was I made for?" and he replies "you're a conqueror Daenarys Stormborn" but she stops bantering and looks off into the mountains and orders everyone "wait here" and rides off into the hills and hours later the Dothraki are waiting around chatting amongst themselves when Daario cant take it anymore and announces he's going to find her but they hear a shrieking in the distance... and look over to see a massive shadow casting along the mountains... and look up to see... DROGON FLYING OVERHEAD WITH DANY RIDING HIM AND HE'S NOW THE SIZE OF A FUCKING PRIVATE JET AND HE LANDS IN FRONT OF THE ARMY AND ROARS AT THEM AND THEY ALL BACK THE FUCK UP



and Dany yells down "every khal who ever lived chose three blood riders to fight beside him and guard his way but I am not a khal... I will not choose three blood riders... I CHOOSE YOU ALL!" like this is Pokemon and all the Dothraki all go apeshit at how fucking apeshit cheering on their badass Queen as she tells them "I will ask more of you than any khal has ever asked of his khalasaar! will you ride the wooden horses across the black salt sea? will you kill my enemies in their iron suits and tear down their stone houses? will you give me the Seven Kingdoms, the gift Khal Drogo promised me, before the Mother of Mountains? are you with me? now and always?" and the Dothraki all scream in support and raise their weapons and thump their chests as this is the most metal thing they've ever seen or heard and Drogon gets all riled up too at all the yelling and roars a terrifying screech into the crowd as he bares his wings! ok hela epic and everything now get the fuck over to Westeros already jesus christ





Game of Thrones 6x07: "The Broken Man"
muslims killing christians special edition
First aired: June 5, 2016

this episode for some reason skips straight past the opening intro into a scene of people making nails and construction workers working on some scaffolding and nice relaxing music plays as the men are making some sort of tower and there are women there preparing meals for the workers as everyone chats happily so if I know my GoT some fucking nasty shit is about to go down and a man who has the septagram symbol on a necklace around his neck is directing everyone to build maybe this new sept and helping his workers out and keeping them motivating and looks up proud that their work is coming to fruition at the top of this hill and we see more men carrying over logs to add to the building



and there's one dude carrying one all by himself and the camera pans up his back and he turns around to reveal THE HOUND HAS CONVERTED TO THE 7 GODS! yeah saw that coming and then we get the opening animation thing that maybe I should pay attention to since I keep forgetting where Riverrun and these places are but I won't then we open on The Hound hacking through a tree trunk with an axe like no-ones business other than uh his I guess and the leader guy comes up and says "you know in all my days I've never seen a man swing an axe like that" ok calling it now the meme is Cersei has The Mountain fight for her at her trial but the Faith will find this guy as their best fighter to put up against him and we finally get our rematch of the Clegane brothers and this leader guy keeps prodding at a place he shouldn't saying "how many men did it take to bring you down?" I guess figuring he's turned to a peaceful life from losing a battle and getting that scar on his face and The Hound looks like he wishes he'd drop it but says "just one" and the man laughs "must have been some kind of monster!" referring to either The Mountain or Brie lmao and The Hound admits begrudgingly "he was a woman" and the leader gives a big laugh thinking he's joking but The Hound goes apeshit hacking away at this log then a dinner bell is rung and all the workers go to the women to get some soup and everyone's kids are there too to eat with their parents and the leader guy comes to offer the Hound a drink as he sits eating by himself and lets him know "I think some of the men are a bit afraid of you" and The Hound grumbles "I'm used to it" and the leader tells him "when I found you I thought you'd been dead for days, the way you were stinking already and you had bugs all over you and bone was coming through you right there" and playfully pokes his leg much to The Hound's annoyance and he tells him "I was gonna give you a proper burial and then you coughed, oh! nearly shit myself! I reckoned you were gonna die by the time I loaded you on the wagon but you didn't, now I reckoned you'd die a dozen more times over the next few days but you didn't, what kept you going?" and The Hound looks up and thinks about it and admits "hate" and the leader refuses "no, there's a reason you're still here" and The Hound grumbles "aye there's a reason, I'm a big fucker and I'm tough to kill" lmao but the leader guy insists "no a reason, Gods aren't done with you yet" and The Hound smirks and says "heard that before, man was talking about a different God though" and the leader admits "well maybe he was right I don't know much about the gods" and The Hound teases "well you're in the wrong line of work" as this man seems to be a priest building a place of worship and the priest says "oh there's plenty of pious sons of bitches who think they know the word of God or Gods, I don't, I don't even know their real names! maybe it is the Seven or maybe it's the Old Gods or maybe it's the Lord of Light or maybe they're all the same fucking thing I don't know! what matters I believe is that there's something greater than us and whatever it is it's got plans for Sandor Clegane" and The Hound looks up serious and tells him "you didn't know me back in my time... you don't know the things I've done" and the priest says "I've heard stories..." and The Hound asks him "if the Gods are real... why haven't they punished me?" and the priest tells him "they have" looking at his fucked up face and walking off leaving him sitting in thought, I recognize the actor for the priest but I can't quite place him, he's been in shit loads of things I've seen though and he's a really good actor



then with Marg she's reading the not!bible in the High Sparrows chambers and puts on a fake smile when he comes in asking what she's reading and they talk about their gay ass religions take on The Mother's love calming a man's brute nature, sounds like some toxic masculinity to me fam and I note she's been allowed her queens crown back and the Red Sparrow points out "there are some who know every verse of the sacred text... but don't have a drop of the Mother's mercy in their blood, and savages who can't read at all who understand the Father's wisdom" and Marg confesses about how she used to used to pretend to care for the poor and the Red Sparrow say the poor disgust the wealthy like them because they are them just without their illusions "they show us what we'd look like without our fine clothes and smell like without our perfumes" which is actually a good point and things people hate the most are usually things they secretly hate about themselves, e.g. if you go on about how stupid everyone else is you're probably insecure about your own inteligence and so on, and then he asks her why she hasn't been fucking Tommen lmao assuring her that it's her duty to him and the country to reproduce, but Marg explains "the desires that once drove me will no longer do" implying that maybe she really did convert if she's even celibate and the High Sparrow says some real ye old r/redpill shit "congress does not requrie desire on the woman's part, only patience" and he takes her hand and assures her she's still making great progress... but then floats that her grandmother should convert too as she's an unrepentant sinner and asks for her to convert her as he "fears for her safety, body and soul" in a very nicely hidden threat

then we see Septa Unella staring down at Lady Tyrell and Marg and her grandmother taunts "does it move or talk?" lmao but Marg insists "Septa Unella has been my true friend and councelor" and granny stands up yelling "oh this is madness!" and takes Marg by the hand outside but Unella follows them like a terminator and granny snaps at her "you're not in your sanctuary now my dear, all I need to do is whistle and my men will stroll in here and bash you about until I tell them to stop!" and Marg snaps at her "grandmother!" but she keeps going "IF I tell them to stop! you could use a good bashing!" and then asks her granddaughter "what have they done to you?" and Marg tries to tell her the Gods showed her mercy for marching against them but she asks "what about your brother? what mercy did they show him?" but Marg says he has to confess and repent by giving up his titles and become a priest or whatever with appals Lady Tyrell who says "he is the heir to Highgarden, the future of House Tyrell!" but Marg assures "he can begin again" and granny admonishes "as a mindless fanatic" but Marg sees it as "as a free man" and granny insists she has to come home but Marg insists on staying with her King and kneels down beside her and tells her to go home but Lady Tyrell assures her "I will never leave you" with true love but Marg... grips her hand under the table so Unella can't see and begs her "you must... go home" as she's scared for her safety in KL and granny sees how serious she is as Marg says some bullshit about her praying so Lady Tyrell puts her hands on her shoulder and assures her "I'll see you soon my dear" and hiding her face from Unella Marg hugs her grandmother and allows herself a little grimace at how much she loves her family and is having to do this to save her brother so I guess she really is just BSing and when granny leaves she asks Unella "shall we pray?" who just stares emotionlessly at her and when Lady Tyrell leaves the room she looks around to make sure she's alone and then reveals... Marg gave her a drawing of a rose to show she's still loyal to her family first and Lady Tyrell looks up proud of her granddaughter



then in a frosty area only just on the South of The Wall Jon is meeting with some Wildlings and they tell him "we said we'd fight with you King Crow when the time comes and we meant it but this isn't what we agreed to, these aren't White Walkers, this isn't an army of the dead... this isn't our fight" and his men agree but Tormund insists on them "if it weren't for him all of you would be meat in the Night King's army" but another dude reminds them how big they were at Mance's camp and now there's not many left of them and if they die in some dumb Southern war there'll be no free folk left and Wun Wun murmurs in agreement as he already lost two of his people recently at the siege for The Wall but Jon tells them "that's what'll happen to you if we lose, the Boltons, the Umbers, the Karstarks, they know you're here and they know that more than half of you are women and children" and they all look shook as they're so down on their numbers after the White Walkers flooded Hardhome and Tormund tells them "the crows killed him because he spoke for the free folk when no other Southerners would, he died for us! if we are not willing to do the same for him we're cowards, and if that's what we are we deserve to be the last of the free folk" and no one points out how no one has explained how and Wun Wun stands up, towering 10 feet over everyone and simply says "Snow" to show his support and struts off and Tormund looks at the other leader like wellllllllll so the leader walks over to Jon... and offers his hand to shake, and Davos looks on impressed he didn't even have to say anything, and Jon asks "you sure they'll come?" and Tormund chuckles and thinks of a nice way to put this "we're not clever like you Southerners, when we say we'll do something we do it" and gives him a cheeky smile as Jon sighs in relief



then in KL Cersei is going to see Lady Tyrell with Gregor thumping along behind her to talk to her about her leaving KL trying to guilt her into staying but Lady Tyrell snaps "Loras rots in a cell because of you, the High Sparrow rules this city because of you, our two ancient houses face collapse because of you and your stupidity!" and Cersei has heard this all before... from her own mind and admits "you're right, I made a terrible mistake, I carry it with me every day" and granny instantly says "good!" lmao but Cersei insists they need to fight together and Lady Tyrell sighs and ponders "I wonder if you're the worst person I've ever met, at a certain age it's hard to recall, but the truly vile do stand out through the years, do you remember the way you smirked at me when my grandson and granddaughter were dragged off to their cells? I do, I'll never forget it" probably why you should not be such an open cunt and Cersei tries to win her over with "you love your grandchildren, I love my son, it's the only truth I know, we must defend them" but Lady Tyrell says she's peaceing the fuck out and recommends the same but Cersei says "never, I'll never leave my son" and Lady Tyrell points out, not even maliciously or tauntingly, just that she'll always call it like it is: "and do what? you don't have any support, not anymore, your brother's gone, the High Sparrow saw to that, the rest of your family have abandoned you, the people despise you, you're surrounded by enemies, thousands of them, you're going to kill them all? by yourself? you've lost Cersei, it's the only joy I can find in all this misery" and gets back to writing a letter leaving Cersei standing there fuming



then in I think... Riverrun? we see some scouts for the Lannister army rejoining their huge army marching up a hill lead by Jaime with a fancy af dressed Bronn by his side who sees what looks like a bunch of tents set up right around the castles walls as he criticizes "now that is a sorry attempt at a siege, someone needs to teach those sad twats how to dig trenches" and Jaime teases "someone definitely does" and looks at him and Bronn initially refuses to be teaching anyone anything but Jaime tells him he's got the best instincts in his army and Bronn quips "that's like saying I have a bigger cock than anyone in the Unsullied army" lmaooooo and Jaime assures him that soon he'll own the entire Lannister army and he can be his right hand that he lost (kek) and when Bronn brings up him not making due on his last bribe Jaime goes to say the "a Lannister always-" meme but Bronn just says "don't say it! don't fucking say it!" and rides off giving in and then they walk through the muddy af camp where all these sad af Frey soldiers are milling about looking fed up and one of them is idiotically yelling at the front gate "come out and fight us Blackfish! we have Lord Edmure! yield the castle or we'll hang him!" as they have poor Ed strung up behind him and when they get no reply the men all laugh as they get to see the guy swing and up on the castle walls the last Tully marches to look over and he looks like an older version of Dave Bautista or something and the man yells up at him "this is your last warning! yield the castle!" and Tully just squints down at him like some Clint Eastwood shit not reacting and the man nervously looks over at the hangman not knowing what to do and I guess this is Walder Frey's sons and one takes the noose off Edmure and takes out his knife and yells up "you think I won't do it old man?" and puts the blade to Eds throat and taunts "I sliced your niece's throat from ear to ear! and where were you? running and hiding like a fucking coward! yield the castle... or I cut his throat" and Edmure looks up at his... father? uncle? and he looks down at helpless Edmure... and gives him a nod... and Edmure steels himself and gives him a nod back ready to die... and THE BLACKFISH GROWLS "GO ON THEN, CUT HIS THROAT" AND WALKS OFF



and the Frey son looks up at his brother and just raises an eyebrow not knowing what to do and his brother frustratingly takes the knife away and storms off as Bronn and Jaime look at each other like these two guys are total clowns so they march up to them as some men drag poor Edmund away and they ask "Lothar is it?" and they drop spaghetti and say "Ser Jaime?! we didn't know you were coming!" and Jaime immediately gets to work educating him "cause you didn't set a proper permieter, you just allowed 8000 men to approach unchallenged" and Bronn helpfully adds "good thing we're friends or we'd be fookin you in the ass right now" right thanks and Jaime orders "have Lord Edmure bathed and fed" much to the other brother, who's also called Walder,'s annoyance, and he insists they're his prisoner and Jaime looks at the knife in his hand and tells him "only a fool makes threats he's not prepared to carry out... now let's say I threatened to hit you unless you shut your mouth but you kept talking what do you think I'd do?" and Walder says "I don't give a rat's-" JAIME SLAPS WALDER ACROSS THE JAW SO HARD HE FALLS INTO HIS BROTHERS ARMS LMAOOOOOO



and tells him "I'm here by the King's command to take back this castle, have him bathed and fed unless you'd like to take his place" and the other brother who's name I already forgot is the smart one and realizes it's best to do what he says and Jaime says "the siege is now under my command, next time the Blackfish looks out from those ramparts he'll see an army at his gates not... whatever this is" and Bronn orders trenches dug and trebuchets built and when Walder gets uppity Jaime tells him he can go back home if he doesn't like it and Jaime tells Bronn to arrange a parley and Bronn asks "a parley or a fight?" and Jaime frowns "he's an old man" but Bronn points out "you've got one hand, my money's on the old boy" and Jaime just sighs rofl

then in uhhhhhhhhh some new Lord's mansion that's in a really lovely frosty valley, let me just take the time to say I really appreciate it when they show really unique looking and exotic establishing shots of all these fantasy cities it makes the world seem really lively and varied since without it it'd just be a bunch of people having conversations in poorly lit sets lmao



Jon, Sansa and Davos come to see Lady Mormont who is literally a like 11 year old girl who I guess is the head of Jorah and the old Lord Commander's house and she says coldly "welcome to Bear Island" and Jon stands there awkward not knowing how to talk to a little girl who's glaring at him with a lot of authority so he looks at Sansa to talk girl to girl who tries to charm her by saying she was named after her Aunt Lyanna and smiles telling her that she'll be a great beauty too but Lady Mormont declares "I doubt it, my mother wasn't a great beauty or any other kind of beauty, she was a great warrior though! she died fighting or your brother Robb" and Sansa glances back at Jon indicating that this little girl is already a real fucking nigga and isn't interested in being treated like a little girl and would rather speak to a soldier and Jon tells her "I served under your uncle at Castle Black, Lady Lyanna" which I guess makes her Jorah's cousin "he was also a great warrior and an honerable man, I was his steward in fact and-" but Lady Lyanna cuts him off "I think we've had enough small talk, why are you here?" oh yeah I recall the pedos on /tv/ waifuing this girl lmao so far she rules and Jon talks about her letter to Stannis trying to recruit her and she cuts him off again "I know what it said, Bear Island knows no king but the King o the North who's name is Stark" and Jon assures her "Robb is gone but House Stark is not" and asks for her allegiance and she looks over to Sansa and then leans in with her advisor, a man 60 years her senior, to whisper with him and then says "as far as I understand, you're a Snow and Lady Sansa is a Bolton, or is she a Lannister? I've heard conflicting reports" oooooooh snap and Sansa tries to explain to her "I did what I had to do to survive, my lady, but I am a Stark, I will always be a Stark" hoping a fellow royal girl will understand how it goes but she just says condescendingly "if you say so, in any case you don't just want my allegiance, you want my fighting men" dude this loli rocks and Jon tries to reason they need to stop Ramsay for the sake of his little brother Rickon, the last true Stark left and hoping she'll have compassion for a young kid her own age, but she's not budging, and when he tries to beg she snaps "I understand that I'm responsible for Bear Island and all who live here, why should I sacrifice one more Mormont life for someone else's war?" oh she woooooook yaaaas queeeeeeeeen and Davos steps forward, with it now his time to shine as he's used to talking to strong willed young girls, "if it pleases m'lady, I understand how you feel" and introduces himself to the sceptical young girl who goes to ask her Maester but he explains his house is quite new since I think he only set it up 14 years ago when he became known as the Onion Knight and she dares him to say how he understands so he says "you never thought you'd find yourself in this position, being responsible for so many lives at such a young age, I never thought I'd be in my position, I was a crabber's son, then I was a smuggler and now I find myself addressing the lady of a great house in time of war, but I'm here because this isn't someone else's war... it's our war" and she says "go on Ser Davos" nodding that maybe this guy is trustworthy and he reminds her her uncle made Jon his steward and successor knowing Jon would give his life for the right cause because he knew "the real war isn't between squabbling houses... it's between the living and the dead, and make no mistake my Lady, the dead are coming" so uhhh come fight this squabbling house with us but I'm sensing a theme here that the White Walkers literally represent climate change and maybe GRRM was surprisingly woke on this all the way back in 1991 since it's an external threat humanity needs to unify against but unlike aliens or some dumb shit it's "man-made", well sort of, elf-made, but I guess that could play into the idea of it being mother nature's response to humanity encroaching on her since the Children of the Forrest clearly represent nature, and instead of retard countries fighting with each other they should be working together to deal with global warming that could displace and kill shit loads of people, and the Night King is so emotionless since him and his army are pretty much a force of nature clearly heavily associate with climate change, and the association with dragonglass creating and destroying them is maybe representing human technology creating and coping with climate change, since making weapons out of obsidian is a sort of primitive technology, inb4 it's not that at all and GRRM just liked zombie movies lmao anyway this loli asks Jon "is this true?" and Jon confirms her uncle and him both fought them... and both lost... and Davos explained the Bolton's keep the North divided and they wont stand a chance against the Night King and fighting together is their only chance and the Maester leans in to give her counsel... but she waves him off and tells them "House Mormont has kept faith with House Stark for a thousand years... we will not break faith today" and Jon steps forward amazed it's working and asks "how many fighting men can we expect?" and her military leader leans over to tell her and the little girl tells him "SIXTY TWO" AHAHAHAHAHA OH NO NO NONONONO and Jon looks around super awkward as she insists "we're not a large house but we're proud one, and every man from Bear Island fights with the strength of 10 mainlanders!" and Davos just decides fuck it duuuude since they need as much political momentum as they can get and says "if they're half as ferocious as their lady, the Boltons are doomed" and they give each other a nod of respect, top jej, that was a good gag since the little girl does such a good job of radiating authority you assume she's got a lot of force behind her but then it's no she really is still a naive child in some regards



then at the siege Jaime is riding through his own army's far superior camp to the front gate and marches up by himself along the bridge to the raised drawbridge and looks up as a firing squad of crossbowmen pin him down... but the drawbridge starts lowering and he looks in to see... The Blackfish stomp right up to him and they trade nicknames "Kingslayer" "Blackfish" and he starts growling "I assume you're here to fulfil the vow you gave my niece, I don't see Sansa and Arya" and when Jaime admits "I don't have them" The Blackfish response "pity, do you wish to resume your captivity?" showing that he has a long ass memory for promises and Jaime just shakes his head like he finds all this swearing oaths shit silly and cuts to the chase telling him this is House Frey's castle but Blackfish says he's not giving in as "my nephew's marked for death no matter what, hang him and be done with it" but Jamie warns "hundreds more will die" and Blackfish threatens "hundreds of mine, thousands of yours" and Jaime promises to "kill every last one of you, but if you surrender, I'll spare the lives of your men, on my honor" and Blackfish taunts "your honor? bargaining with oathbreakers is like building on quicksand" and Jaime tries to tell him his men will die for a loss cause but Blackfish insists the war is not over and "I was born in this castle and I'm ready to die in it, so you can either attack or try to starve us out, we have enough provisions for two years" wait do they really how much fucking food can you fit in one castle and he taunts "do you have two years, Kingslayer?" having presumably heard of all the drama back in King's Landing and Jaime realizes he's right and he needs this victory for the political leverage back home and tries turning his men on him by yelling loudly at him "you clearly have no intention of saving your men's lives! why did you come treat with me?" and Blackfish memes "sieges are dull and I wanted to see you in person, get the measure of you, I'm disappointed" and casually walks back inside as Jaime stands there fuming as they raise the drawbridge on him one inch for his feet

then we see Jon talking to Lord Clover who's refusing him because "we only just got this castle back from the Ironborn and the Boltons helped us do it" and he's scared to be skinned and asks "have other northern houses pledged to fight for you?" cocking an eyebrow knowing they probably haven't and Jon says "House Mormont" and Clover asks "and?" and Jon flounders around and looks awkwardly at Davos and admits "the bulk of the force is made up of wildlings" and he grumbles "so the rumors are true, I didn't dare believe them, I received you out of respect for your father, now I would like you to leave, House Glover will not abandon its ancestral home to fight alongside wildlings!" and Sansa gives Jon a concerned look who tries to stop him but Glover marches off so Sansa calls "I will remind you that House Glover is pledged to House Stark sworn to answer when called upon" sternly ooh I kinda like yass queen Sansa and Glover storms back up and says they wept when they heard of their family's death and his brother fought for Robb but he was nowhere to be seen when the Ironborn took his castle, put his wife and children in prison and brutalized and killed their subjects right into her face and he growls "taking up with a foreign whore, getting himself and those who followed him killed" and Sansa glares at him like she's going to slap him for insulting her brother but he says "I served House Stark once, but House Stark is dead" and goes back inside his castle leaving them dejected, ok uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wouldn't Ramsay hear by now that Jon Snow is literally traveling around the entire North trying to gather forces? wouldn't he do something like, you know, try and fucking kill him or at least threaten the other Lords into not joining him?



then we pan over some boats to see they have the Ironborn kraken sigil and over to the Long Bridge of wherever that shithole is, let me look it up, Volantis, that's also funding against Dany that I guess Yara and Theon are at and their soldiers are enjoying some topless whores as Theon sits there super awkward not knowing what to do with himself as he'd used to love this place but can't even get a boner anymore probably trying not to remember that shit Ramsay put in his head about having a phantom cock if he does get aroused and he gets even more uncomfortable as YARA STARTS MAKING OUT WITH A TOPLESS WORKING GIRL RIGHT NEXT TO HER BROTHER finally some lesbo action in this degenerate show and Theon whines "why did we have to come here" and Yara stops making out long enough to tease "because some of us still like it!" and he gets angry looking around for an excuse to leave and Yara offers him "have a drink at least" but he shakes his head "I don't want one" and Yara can tell there must be really something wrong with him if he won't get drunk while this miserable and she sighs realizing she has to be a big sister and YARA KISSES THE GIRL AND SUCKS ON HER NIPPLE and tells her "go on love, I'll find you in a bit!" and the girl gets a huge big grin glad that she only has to deal with a woman for once as she prances off and YARA PINCHES HER BUM AND SLAPS IT based & lezpilled and she tells Theon "nothing on the Iron Islands has an ass like that!" and he looks over sad realizing she was just like he used to be and they could have probably had some great nights out together if they'd just known each other as adults outside of less fucked up circumstances and she asks "doesn't interest you anymore?" and Theon tries to not cry and Yara gets serious and says "I'm sorry, I won't joke about it, I'll never hurt you, little brother, don't you know that?" and pours another drink and Theon changes the topic to "you think Uncle Euron's hunting for us?" and Yara is sure "of course he is, as long as we're alive we're a threat" and Theon worries "he'll find us" but Yara assures him "it's a great big world and we have fast ships" and then demands that Theon drink and he takes a lil sip and he insists all of it so he forces it down and she reminds him "you're Ironborn, I know you've had some bad years-" and he cuts in "some bad years?!" and Yara tells him "but I'm tired of watching you cower like a beat dog! drink the goddamn ale!" and Theon forces himself to down alcohol scared of what emotions will come out and she tells him "now listen to me, I need you, the real Theon Greyjoy, not this rat shit pretender, can you find him for me?" and Theon has no idea how to be his old self so she insists "drink!" and he forces more down and she tells him "you escaped, you hear me? you got away and you're never going back, we'll get justice for you!" and it all starts coming out as Theon whines "if I got justice my burnt body would hang over the gates of Winterfell" and Yara sighs and says "fuck justice then! we'll get revenge, drink!" and he downs more as she gives him her form of fucked up sisterly love "if you're so broken there's no coming back take a knife and cut your wrists, end it... but if you're staying, Theon, I need you, we're gonna sail to Meereen, we're gonna make a pact with this Dragon Queen, and we're gonna take back the Iron Islands, are you with me? are you really with me?!" and looks terrified at her brother thinking he really will just go neck himself but Theon realizes he's already faced worse than death and looks her straight in the eye and nods and she gets a big smile and kisses him on the forehead and announces "now since it's my last night ashore for a long while I'm gonna go fuck the tits off this one!" and goes off with her chosen working girl and Theon sits there nodding to himself, actually you know what needs to happen here? YARA NEEDS TO TEACH THEON HOW TO FUCK A GIRL WHEN YOU HAVE NO COCK! ISSUE SOLVED



then with Jon Davos is telling him this is where Stannis camped last and Sansa is like "that's a good thing?" and he explains "he was the most experienced commander in Westeros, those mountains are a natural fortification, there's a stream down there for the horses" but Jon says they need to get out of there before a storm hits and Davos says that's what fucked over Stannis but Jon's making the same mistake demanding "we have to march on Winterfell now while we still can" and Davos sighs "2000 Wildlings, 200 Hornwoods, 143 Mazins..." and Sansa adds "62 Mormonts" and Davos says they could do it "if we're careful and smart" but then he spots a Wildling picking a fight with someone and marches off saying "oh for fuck sake" to deal with it and Sansa cringes and says "so he's your most trusted advsior now? because he secured 62 men from a 10 year old?" but Jon insists he served Stannis well and Sansa points out "Stannis who lost at Blackwater, who murdered his own brother, who doesn't have a head?" lmao btfoooo and she insists "it's not enough! we need more men!" and Jon gets emotional and starts insisting they're doing it and she stares at him learning from CIA to always analyze someone's emotions but Jon has to go try to break up a fight starting around Davos leaving Sansa sitting there worried but then she looks over and sees a Maester taking some crow cages around so she gets to work writing a letter and signing it with her wolf-head seal uh I think you're meant to seal it with that you dumb thot

then back with the most interesting character the priest is telling his flock "I was a soldier once, all my superiors thought I was brave, I wasn't, I mean I never ran from a fight, only because I was afraid my friends would see I was afraid, that's all I was, a coward, we followed orders no matter the orders, burn that village? fine, I'm your arsonist, steal that farmer's crops? good, I'm your thief, kill those young lads so they won't take up arms against us? ...I'm your murderer" and looks down at a young boy as some adults murmur and The Hound looks on understanding what he's saying as he goes on "I remember once a woman screaming at us, calling us animals as we dragged her son from their hut, but we weren't animals, animals are true to their nature and we had betrayed ours... I cut that young boy's throat myself as his mother screamed and my friends held her back" as an extra next to The Hound does a good reaction of biting his nails nervously as he listens and the priest sits down beside another man and says "that night I felt such shame, shame was so heavy on me I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, all I could do was stare into that dark sky and listen to that mother screaming her son's name... I'll hear her screaming the rest of my life" and starts to cry but forces himself to stand up and say "I can't bring that lad back all I can do with time I've got let is bring a little goodness into the world that's all any of us can do innit? never too late to stop robbing people, to stop killing people and start helping people, it's never too late to come back" as he looks up at The Hound who looks at him like... maybe if he can do it he can... but as if the Gods actually fucking hate him... some horses come racing towards them from the hills and The Hound instantly clocks them as bad news and the priest instantly sees that look but keeps talking "and it's not about waiting for the gods to answer your prayers, it's not even about the gods, it's about you, learning you have to answer your prayers yourself" with is some good wisdom for life



and he leaves maybe his final teaching to his flock as he approaches the horsemen and blesses them "Seven save you friends, how can we help you?" and the three mean looking men ask "what are you doing here?" and the priest says "well we're talking about life... you?" and the three men claim "protecting the people" and The Hound tenses up as the priest says "well we thank you for your protection, who are you protecting us from?" and the man just smiles and asks "do you have any horses?" and the priest says "no horses, no gold, no steel" and The Hound starts inching forward as the leader grins "food then? protecting the people is hungry work" and the priest nods "I'm sure it is, you're welcome to stay for supper but we have hungry mouths here" and the man just stares at the priest deciding what to do with him and tells him "stay safe... the night is dark and full of terrors" are we finally going to get some religious conflict in this fucking medieval show that's been going for 6 fucking years? and the priest recognizes the phrase and just nods scared as he realizes why the men are really there and he looks over at The Hound and later we see The Hound furiously chopping wood as fast as he can to deal with his anxiety and the priest comes to him and The Hound quotes "Seven save you friends?" and the priest whines "I'm a fucking septon what was I supposed to say?" and The Hound tells him "they don't believe in your Seven they're from the Brotherhood, they follow the Red God" remembering his last horrible experience with them and he says "aye well all are welcome here, anyway we got nothing for them here" and The Hound already knows "yes you do, you've got food, you've got steel even if you say you don't... and you've got women" and he asks "what do you want to do? fight them? kill them" and The Hound shrugs his shoulders as it's all he knows and the septon tries to tell him "it'd be you against all of them, I mean these people don't know how to fight" and The Hound points at him reminding him "you do" and the septon grumbles "I'm done with fighting" and The Hound asks "even if it's to protect yourself?" and the septon insists "violence is a disease, you don't cure a disease by spreading it to more people" and The Hound gives a condescending smile like the man's just fooling himself and tells him "you don't cure it by dying either" and angrily smashes some wood apart and the septon tries to get him to come eat but The Hound insists on keeping chopping until the septon tempts him with ale, hoping there's some dank memes where The Hound trains all these people in guerrilla warfare like some Seven Samurai shit



then in Braavos Arya overhears a man saying "he's not a lying man, he says the Iron Fleet's in Slaver's Bay I'm inclined to believe him, heh, I'm not going anywhere near those mad fuckers!" and Arya tells him "you're Westerosi" and he asks "what do you care?" and she says "I want to book passage home?" and when he claims "can't afford it" Arya tosses him a purse and he immediately asks "where'd you steal this from" maybe she just got it out of the bottom of the sea when she tossed it down at the start of season 5 and she just asks "why do you care?" and the man laughs knowing she's right and no one will ever know and he says "we leave in two days, you can have a hammock in steerage" and she tosses him a bigger purse saying "I want a cabin, and we leave in dawn, see you at sun rise" and takes the smaller purse back as she leaves the bewildered man, and then she goes on a bridge and looks out at the huge statue as she says goodbye to the city and then an old lady comes up to Arya and says "sweet girl" but THE OLD LADY SLASHES A KNIFE ACROSS ARYAS CHEST, GRABS HER FROM BEHIND AND STABBING HER IN THE GUT



AND TAKES HER MASK OFF REVEALING... *MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME* THE CUNTY GIRL! AND ARYA LOOKS DOWN AT THE BLADE IN HER BELLY...



AND HEADBUTTS THE CUNT AND THROWS HERSELF OFF THE BRIDGE INTO THE WATER and the cunty girl watches as nothing but blood floats to the surface so she just assumes she's dead and fixes her dress proud of herself and walks off (this is a trope that happens constantly in Punisher comics for some reason, someone escapes by falling into a body of water, and it barely makes sense when it's like a fast flowing river but this is a still canal like I am pretty sure you can't swim fast enough underwater for someone not to notice where you're going in still water lmao) and Arya surfaces gasping for air at some steps and looks around terrified and remembers she got stabbed twice and rolls onto shore and clutches at her blooding stomach and starts wandering through down bleeding out and everyone is staring at her like wtf this girl dying and she looks around at all these faces staring at her worrying that any of them could be a Faceless Man so just keeps making her way through the crowd uhhhh ok pretty sure you'd be fucked before good internal surgery was invented

then with The Hound he is hacking away at some bushes and taking a big drink of the ale he's been given when suddenly he hears some horses going bananas in the distance and he rushes back to the camp to find ALL THE FOLLOWERS HAVE BEEN MASSACRED BY THE BROTHERHOOD! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 117



and he walks through these corpses with arrows and axes imbedded in them with even a little kiddy with his throat slit and his dead father still has his arm around him and he sees... THEY LYNCHED THE SEPTON FROM THE FRAME OF HIS OWN HALF-BUILT HOUSE OF WORSHIP! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 118 now there's that edge I was expecting and his fucking eyes are still open staring down at The Hound who lets out a heavy sigh like he was a fool for thinking he could ever leave the real nigga life and simply walks over and grabs the nearest wood axe oh it's on now boiiiiii





Game of Thrones 6x08: "No One"
face/off special edition
First aired: June 12, 2016

then after the usual opening credits we see that play in Braavos again where the actress Arya was meant to kill is giving her very emotionally powerful speech as Cersei with dead Joffrey in her arms as the crowd of young women tear up and even a man is getting upset but she looks up and taking Arya's advice adds more anger to it and starts ranting about how she'll have vengeance against Sansa and her Imp brother and the crowd all clap at her powerful performance cheering for her and the actor for Joffrey helps her up off her knees as she gives a bow to the amazed crowd and then she goes back behind the scenes as the dwarf starts giving Tyrion's next scene as the crowd all playfully boo the villain and uh oh I'm guessing the cunty girl is going to ice this poor woman as she walks to her dressing room and like some HITMAN™ shit she wipes her tears away, sits down proud of herself for her performance and pours herself a drink but then she hears something banging behind some costumes and goes over to check it scared that it might be that young actress trying to get her or some shit but finds... Arya bleeding to death, then later that night the actress has stitched her up and is putting a bandage on her and tells her she learned it from her string of bad boy lovers coming home stinking of whore's perfume "so we'd fight and I'd put a hole in them and then I'd feel terrible so I'd patch them up" wew lass that's called domestic violence you can't do that in 201-oh wait yeah never mind and Arya seems to like a woman who's not afraid to use violence and she asks what happened to the Bianca the girl who put the hit on her and the actress says "she'll have a hard time finding work as an actress after what I did to her face" EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 119 and she offers Arya some soup and she cringes when she tastes it and the woman admits "never learned how to cook" and tells her to come with the company to Pentos (which I just realized is where we first see Dany and her brother and that "friend" Varys was talking about was the guy who was talking to him and Arya spied on them meeting under the Red Keep and is where he took Tyrion, wonder if we'll ever see that dude again) but Arya tries to make excuses but then explains "you wouldn't be safe, not as long as she's looking for me" and when she asks "who?" she says like a little girl who doesn't know how to explain something to an adult "she doesn't have a name" like she's ashamed to have fallen in with such a fucked up cult and she asks "where will you go?" and Arya says "Essos is East, Westeros is West, but what's West of Westeros?" is Arya going to go be this worlds version of Christopher Colombus and go enslave all the Native Americanoss? and the woman teases "the edge of the world maybe?" we flat earthers now bois and the actress goes to give Arya some milk of the poppy when she cringes in pain assuring her "if my soup didn't kill you nothing will" inb4 Arya becomes a heroin addict whore or some edgy shit, no wait that would involve Arya having any consequences and we just saw she has plot armor so thick she can take a stab to the gut and be fine lmao and the woman tucks her into bed and caresses her hand, inb4 she's actually Jaqen in disguise



then back in Westeros we see... the Brotherhood group that massacred the Seven followers, and they're joking amongst themselves around a fire about how an ugly bald guy used to be a master kisser as they wind up two naive younger men by bringing one of them to his feet and explaining "you put your hand on the back of the lady's head like so, your right hand holds the small of the lady's back like so" as he touches up the other man who looks at his friend a bit weirder out but asks "yeah?" and the bald man says "you take your middle finger... AND YOU JAM IT RIGHT UP HER BUNGHOLE!" AS HE SEXUALLY ASSAULTS THE YOUNGER MAN EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 120 and he leaps away as the bald mans friend bursts out laughing saying "so close!" that he almost fingered him and the bald man sniffs his finger and declares "ah it smells like pussy to me!" and his friend taunts "look at him! you get hard boy?" and the young man screams "fuck you! disgusting old twats! get off on that did you, you old fuck?"



and the two older men suddenly freeze up as they see something behind him... and they back the fuck up real fast, and the younger mans friend turns and looks terrified as the young man looks confused wondering if he's suddenly become really intimidating or something and turns around to see THE HOUND DECAPITATING HIM WITH AN AXE



THAT HE THEN PLANTS IN HIS FRIENDS CHEST



AND SLITS THE OTHER MAN'S THROAT WITH IT



AND SWINGS STRAIGHT INTO THE BALD MAN'S CROTCH



IN THE SPACE OF TEN SECONDS FLAT and he tears it away making blood splatter down from his ballsack and the man falls to his knees squealing in pain and The Hound puts his hand on his head and growls "where's the other one, the one with the yellow cloak?" and the bald man screams "FUCK YOU!" at him and The Hound taunts "those are your last words, fuck you? come on you can do better" and the terrified man sits there thinking so just goes with calling him a "CUNT!"



and The Hound just casually tells him "you're shit at dying you know that?" and THE HOUND SMASHES THE AXE INTO HIS SKULL hahhaahhahahaha



then in uhhh Meereen we see The Unsullied marching on patrol through the now bustling city centre where people are feeling safe enough to return to and we see some people listening to a speech from a new black Fire Priestess about how Dany is their religion's Chosen One™ which would make a lot of sense from her insane plot armor and Tyrion looks up smugly at Varys and says "I'd call that a successful gambit, look around, the city has come back to life" but Varys chides "you made a pact with fanatics" and Tyrion admits "I did, it worked" and Varys tells him "if you shaved your beard with a straight razor you'd say the razor worked but that doesn't mean it won't cut your throat" and Tyrion teases "spoken like a man who's never had to shave" implying Varys at least has that condition like that comedian Matt Lucas that means you can't grow bodyhair that I assume is unrelated to his castration since uhhhh little boys have hair on their head and eyebrows but knowing how dumb this show is getting who knows and Tyrion sees some new boats in their harbor and says "I'm going to miss you" and Varys warmly says "I know" and Tyrion says "I hope you're right about this expedition of yours" and Varys tells him "if I don't return you'll know I was wrong" and sees how worried Tyrion is and explains "we need friends in Westeros and we need ships" and assures him Dany has to come back and gives him a pat on the back and jokes "I'll walk the rest of my way myself, I can't go off on a secret mission in the company of the most famous dwarf in the city" and Tyrion smiles knowing he'll miss his jokes so calls after him "Varys! the most famous dwarf in the world!" and Varys gives him a friendly nod but turns away looking sad as he knows that will probably get him killed one day

then with Cersei drinking wine of course Qyburn comes in to tell her that Tommen has let sparrows into the Red Keep and they want to see her and she just struts out ready for whatever dogshit happens and as the massive Gregor stomps after her she goes to talk with Lancel who's men steel themselves as the massive man hulks over them and Lancel invites her to speak to the High Sparrow at the Sept but she insists he come here but Lancel grumbles "Your Grace, this is not a request" and Cersei smirks hoping to fuck they try something violent with The Mountain standing behind her taunting "this is a request Cousin Lancel, you are asking me of something, I'm refusing" and Lancel smiles as he gets to get his own back at the woman who seduced him into incest and treason and growls "the High Septon commands you, are you sure want to refuse him?" and she gets shook and wines "he promised me I could stay in the Red Keep until my trial" and Qyburn watches curious as to how Cersei will stay in control as he's probably willing to sell her out the second he thinks anyone else would let him do his experiments and when Lancel says "me made no such promises, if you refuse to come of your own free will-" Cersei hisses "get out" at him and he tries to compose himself and nods for his men to do what needs to be done but THE MOUNTAIN STEPS IN FRONT OF CERSEI and Lancel swallows hard but steels himself and says "move aside Ser" and Gregor just stares at him with his terrifying dead eyes out from under his helmet and Lancel warns "order your man to step aside or there will be violence" and tries his best to maddog Cersei stares at him weight the options but she decides to go with "I choose violence"



A SPARROW RAMS HIS SPIKED CLUB THROUGH THE MOUNTAIN'S KINGSGUARD ARMOR AND INTO HIS CHEST... TO ZERO EFFECT AS HE JUST STANDS THERE



and Cersei and Qyburn smirk like oh you did it now and the sparrow struggles to pull it free and looks up terrified as THE MOUNTAIN GRABS HIM BY THE NECK AND LIFTS HIM UP A GOOD THREE FEET OFF THE GROUND AS ALL THE OTHER SPARROWS FLEE IN FEAR AND THE MAN DROPS HIS CLUB AND GREGOR STARES INTO HIS EYES WITH HIS OWN FINALLY WIDENING AS IF KILLING IS THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES HIM FEEL ANYTHING ANYMORE AND HE TOSSES THE MAN IN FRONT OF HIS FRIENDS AND STOMPS OVER AND



TEARS HIS HEAD CLEAN OFF WITH HIS BARE HANDS!!!



and the Sparrows all stare at his absolutely horrified and Cersei gets a satisfied smile on her face like that's what you get when you fuck with a Lannister and Lancel looks over at the severed head and back at the headless body of his friend and The Mountain simply walks back over to Cersei's side as the sparrows are too terrified to advance and Cersei quips "please tell his High Holiness he's always welcome to visit" and Qyburn gives a self satisfied smirk at his work, I guess the meme here is that if Lady Tyrell is peaceing out then she doesn't need to pretend to give a shit about Loras anymore and since Tommen is the High Sparrow's meal ticket now he won't do anything to the only other person she cares about in the city left

then in Riverrun we see Brie and Pod finally arriving to find... a massive Lannister army between them and their goal lissss



and Pod professes "seems like a siege m'lady" and Brie sighs saying "you have a keen military mind, Pod" rofl these two are great but Brie looks down and sees Jaime hoping that they still have a friendship she can use and Pod warns her as four Lannister guards ride up and demand "who goes there? state your business!" and she introduces herself asking to speak to Jaime "tell him I have his sword" and as the men escort Brie to Jaime Podrick is left in the camp and SOMEONE SUDDENLY GRABS HIM FROM BEHIND AND STARTS CHOCKING HIM IN A HEADLOCK... BUT IT'S JUST BRONN MEMEING "getting a bit old to be a squire, aren't we?" what a fucking dipshit he's lucky Pod only has some good luck hack on doing something perfect on the first try and can't fight very well or he might get stabbed or some shit doing that but I guess that's Bronn for you he only picks fights he knows he can win and he lets the poor lad go and gives a big laugh and slaps him on the back saying "Podrick fucking Payne, I thought you'd be dead by now!" and Pod says "not yet" and they stand beside each other looking at the tent their two masters are talking in and Bronn ponders "you think they're fucking?" and a shocked Pod snaps "what? no!" and Bronn says "what? I'd fuck her, you'd fuck her wouldn't you?" and Pod insists proudly "I'm her squire!" and Bronn condescendingly goes "...oh... well he'd fuck her that's for sure and she'd fuck him don't you think? the way she looks at him... the way all women look at him is frankly irritating! I preferred working with the little brother on that account" having not realized that Jaime only has eyes for one particular lady and then BRONN GRABS PODS CROTCH saying "come on! you're the one with the magic cock! you must have shown it to her by now!" and Pod tries to hide his smile at Bronn's antics to not encourage him and explains "she's training me to fight" and Bronn teases "ooh is she? then how come an old cunt like me can still sneak up and murder ya?" and Pod claims "well that's a different sort of fighting" and Bronn points out "now that's the truth isn't it? you want to learn that sort of fighting? all right, let's start with your foot work" and Pod shows him his stance and Bronn memes "now listen to me Pod you see how your feet are about a yard apart?" and when Pod looks down BRONN SLAPS POD and tells him "lesson number one: assume everyone wants to hit you, cause they do Pod, everyone wants to hit a fucking squire" and playfully pats his cheek and Pod just grins and bares it being used to Brie disrespecting him constantly lmao as they keep training



and inside the command tent Jaime is surprised she found Sansa as "in my experience girls like her don't live very long" as Brie just telling him the truth but she takes offence and says "I don't think you know many girls like her" and Jaime can tell it's a soft spot so just says "well I'm proud of you, I am, you fulfilled your oath to Caitlyn Stark against all odds" and Brie tries to hide how proud she is and Jaime starts up the shenanigans "of course my sister wants Sansa dead, the girl is still a suspect in Joffrey's murder so there is that complication" wow thanks for updating us on that for all the normies who are just starting to watch the show and Brie explains her mission to get the Blackfish's help to retake Winterfell but Jaime points out the Tully army are "a bit occupied at the moment" and explains his own mission to defeat that army and they argue about if the Frey's are in the right or not since the Frey's betrayed the Starks and Jaime just snaps "exactly" as if that's the realpolitik truth of the situation is whoever has the most power gets to decide who's in the right and Jaime sighs that this is effecting his only actual friendship since Bronn is a shithead who'll peace out as soon as the bribes stop coming and moans "we shouldn't fight about politics" but Brie reminds him "you're a knight Ser Jaime, I now there is honor in you I've seen it myself" and Jaime snaps "I'm a Lannister don't ask me to betray my own house" and Brie reasons they can both win if he gets Riverrun without bloodshed which she can arrange if he lets her in to talk the Blackfish into taking his forces North but Jaime cringes "have you ever met the Blackfish? he's even more stubborn than you are" but he sighs since it's his best chance and tells her the strategy he was trying to play on "see if you can talk some sense into the old goat, he won't listen, but his men might, not everyone wants to die or someone else's home" giving her a cheeky glance but she demands his word he really will get safe passage and he gives it and her until nightfall so to show she's serious she hands him back his Valyrian steel blade sword saying "you gave me this sword for a purpose, I have a achieved that purpose" but he nods saying "it's yours, it will always be yours" good now she can fight White Walkers and as they go to leave she tells him if he has to retake the castle "honor compels me to fight for Sansa's kin" and Jaime smiles "of course it does" but Brie clarifies "to fight you" and Jaime looks sad knowing she really would fight him and probably win and says "let's hope it doesn't come to that" as he sees another part of his life fucked up by these dumb oaths



and then inside Riverrun Brie is failing to convince the Blackfish as she tries to give him a letter from Sansa but he snaps "I haven't seen her since she was a child, I don't know her signature, I don't know you and I will not surrender, double the guards tonight! the Kingslayer wants to try us! I can feel it!" ranting to his men and even though he knows her father he says he'd tell him to go home too and Brie tries to talk sense to him that he can't win against the Lannisters and the Frey's pointing out that Jaime sent her since she'd need his permission and obviously gave her that gold lion sword and Brie insists Jaime actually did keep his word to Cat and sent her to find Sansa and gave her that sword to protect her "which I will continue to do until the day I die" and sternly hands over the letter and the Blackfish realizes she's a real nigga and gives in and reads it and gasps as he relaizes "she's exactly like her mother" and Brie smiles knowing he's right and the Blackfish admits sadly letting his tough guy exterior drop "I don't have enough men to help her retake Winterfell" but she says "you have more than she does" and he tells her that he can't leave his home either and will stay and keep it from Jaime for as long as he can and hands the letter back to her and Pod was in there all the time with her and looks over sad as Brie orders him "find the maester, we need to get a raven north to Sansa" and he asks what to write and she upset says "tell her I failed"

then in a crowd in the Iron Throne room in King's Landing we see Cersei marching in with Gregor and Qyburn to speak to Kevan about a royal announcement Cersei is bitching about not being informed of so Kevan condescendingly tells her "there is to be a royal announcement... in the throne room... at this very moment" like he's so mad at her for almost having his fucking son killed and she tries to walk past to see Tommen but he tells her "your place is in the galary with the other... ladies of the court" and she glares at him as if she's putting him on her mental list of enemies and looks up to see Pycelle whispering to Tommen and walks off trying not to show how upset she is as Tommen takes the Iron Throne and nervously looks at his mother and says her meme about the two pillars and some fucking bullshit about The Father being strict and reveals that Cersei and Loras trial will be held in the Sept and with a big sigh as he knows this will fuck his mother over says "the Crown has decided that from this day forward trial by combat will be forbidden throughout the Seven Kingdoms, the tradition is a brutish one, a scheme devised by corrupt rules in order to avoid true judgement from the gods" and they have to face seven septors instead, I mean he's right it is fucking retarded but top jej at him selling out his mother's one chance of sure victory like that and she looks down so sad that her son wont even look at her and Qyburn sneaks up suggests "that old rumor you told me about? my little birds investigated..." and Cersei asks "and? was it just a rumor or something more?" and Qyburns eye twinkles as he says "more... much more" oh boiiiiii



and then with Tyrion in the throne room he's drinking heavily again as Missy frets over Dany still missing and he tempts Grey Worm to try drinking for the first time saying not to listen to his masters training and gives a glass to Missy who says "I tried wine before it made me feel... funny" and Tyrion whispers "that's how you know it's working!" and raises his glass saying "here's to our Queen! anyone who's not drinking is disrespecting our Queen!" and points to Grey Worm that finally bullies him into doing it and he gasps "tastes like it has turned" and Tyrion explains "yes yes, fermentation" OH MY FUCKING GOD WHY ARE THERE SO MANY LIKE FUCKING SLICE OF LIFE ANIME SCENES WITH TYRION MESSING ABOUT IN MEEREEN? WHAT HAPPEEND TO THIS UCKING CHARACTER? WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS SHOW? GET THEESE FUCKING NEW NORMIE AUDIENCE MEMBERS OUT OF HERE SO SOME PLOT CAN HAPPEN REEEEEEEEEEE and he pours himself even more wine and wishes for a vineyard one day he can call "The Imp's Delight" and asks Missy a joke but when she doesn't know any he asks Grey Worm for one and he just stares at him like what do you think mate and he goes "right, three Lords walk into a tavern: a Stark a Martell and a Lannister, they order ale, but when the barkeep brings them over, each of them finds a fly in his cup! the Lannister, outraged, shoves the cup aside and demands another, the Martell plucks the fly out and swallows it whole, the Stark reaches into his cup, pulls out the fly and shouts "spit it ya you wee shit, spit it out!"" lmao the Starks are definitely meant to be Scottish and Missy and Grey Worm just frown at him like ya fuckin wot m9 and Tyrion says "uh it's funnier in Westeros"



and Grey Worm asks "the Starks and the Lannisters, I thought they were enemies?" and Tyrion sighs "yes!" and Missy explains "a joke is like a story, Torgo Nudho" which I guess... means like my friend in some other language or something? "not a true story necessarily" and Tyrion explains "a story that's meant to make you laugh... ideally... not at the moment perhaps" as Grey Worm glares confused at him since he's a rip-off of Teal'c from Stargate (Dr. Mongol shoutout) and he asks Missy if she likes wine and she admits "I do!" and he demands "tell a joke!" so she tries "two translators are on a sinking ship" and Tyrion perks up amazed she's got something OH MY UCKING GOD WHAT WHY SI THIS SHOW TURNING INTO A FUCKING SLICE OF LIFE ANIME WHAT IS HAPPENING "the first says "do you know how to swim?" the second says "no but I can shout for help in 19 languages"" hahahaha that is actually funny since she just made that up on the spot making reference to herself and Tyrion gives her a laugh but Grey Worm says deadpan "that is the worst joke I ever heard" hahahahaha you aint read my fucking forums mate and Missy reminds him "you don't even know what a joke is" and Grey Worm insists "I am soldier all my life, you think I never hear joke?" and Tyrion accuses "you lied to us" and Grey Worm looks off dramatically and says "I MAKE JOKE" and Missy bursts out laughing and Tyrion cant help but giggle and Grey Worm smiles proud he made his girlfriend laugh and Missy demands "more jokes!" and Tyrion starts up "I once walked into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass" wait I remember this being from an earlier season



but he's cut off by A BELL RINGING and Grey Worm runs like fuck out yelling to his men and we cut to A FLEET OF SHIPS WITH THE CHAINED-MERMAID SIGIL ON ITS FLAG OF THEIR ENEMIES SAILING TOWARDS MEEREEN and Missy tells him "the masters have come for their property" right cant wait for Dany to arrives and steal all their ships AND get Yara's fleet too ebin



then in Jaime's camp he is speaking with Edmure apologizing for his treatment but he's a bit fried in the brain from being held captive for 3 years and he mumbles "I have your word? oh good, good that's... that's a fine thing" but warns him his uncle will never surrender, let me just say that it's really cool they can always get these bit-part actors back to play the character even after year long breaks but I guess the show getting so insanely popular is like free marketing for them so they probably jump at the chance, and Jaime says he only hopes for a good death but tells Edmure his wife had a son congratulating him "you're a potent man" since he only got to bed her once but Edmure whines "a son I've never met born of a wife I haven't seen since our first night together" and Jaime assures him he can arrange for them to be together and a good privileged upbringing for his son trying to be nice to him and Edmure cuts him off "do you imagine yourself a decent person? is that it? after you've massacred my family? kept me in a cell for years, stolen our lands" and Jaime says dryly "need I remind you our houses are at war, I'm sorry if this conflict has inconvenienced you but rebelling against the Crown does have consequences" and Edmure snarls at him "says the man who shoved his sword through his King's back!" and Jaime snaps "did I give you the impression that this was a negotiation? it's not" and Edmure glares at him saying "you understand, on some level you understand that you're an evil man" and Jaime puts on a smug face and quips "I'll leave the judgements to the gods" and Edmure taunts "well that is convenient for you, you're a fine-looking fellow aren't you? hmm, mmm, your square jaw, your golden armor, tell me, I want to know, I truly do, how do you live with yourself?" and Jaime just stares at him as he goes on "all of us have to believe that we're decent, don't we?" well... not all of us exactly... "you have to sleep at night, how do you tell yourself that you're decent after everything that you've done?" and Jaime looks off into the fire thinking and says "I was your sister's prisoner once... she hit me on the head with a rock if I remember correctly" and Edmure chortles and says "yeah... she would have killed you" and glares at him and Jaime says "yeah but she didn't, Catelyn Stark hated me just like you hate me but I didn't hate her, I admired her far more than her husband or her son" and when Edmure snaps at him that he doesn't care Jaime reminds him he's his prisoner and doesn't have a choice lul and he keeps talking "the love she had for her children, I was awed by it, it reminded me of my sister" and grimaces as he realizes that about himself and Edmund who's heard the rumors goes "oh... oh I see... you're a madman" and Jaime honstly thinks he can have a conversation with this man and assures him "I'm not here to trade insults, your sister was a strong-" but he screams "DON'T TALK ABOUT CAT!" and Jaime drolls "I'll talk about whomever I want" as Edmund tries to break free of his bonds to attack Jaime and he starts up again "she loved her children, I suppose all mothers do, but Catelyn and Cersei, there's a firceness you don't often see, but Catelyn and Cersei, they'd do anything to protect their babies, start a war, burn cities to ash, free their worst enemies, the things we do for love" and Edmure gives up trying to break free to escape his narcacistic ramblings and tells him "you didn't come here to talk about our sisters" but Jaime insists "that's exactly why I came here... I love Cersei, you can laugh at that, you can sneer, doesn't matter, she needs me and to get back to her I need to take Riverrun" and Edmure eyes Jaime as he realizes asking introspection of this madlad probably wasn't the best ploy as Jaime says "I'll ask for your baby boy" and Edmure tries to attack him but is too tightly bound and Jaime threatens "I'LL LAUNCH HIM INTO RIVERRUN WITH A CATAPULT" lmaoooooooooooo and he just frankly tells him "because you don't matter to me, Lord Edmure, your son doesn't matter to me, the people in the castle don't matter to me, only Cersei, and if I have to slaughtered every Tully who ever lived to get back to her... that's what I'll do" and Edmure breaks down grunting in frustration in a very good take from the actor as he's faced with this sociopath threatening his family he can't do anything about



then we see Edmure walking through the mud and along the bridge with a torch and announcing himself and his memes to have the drawbridge lowered for him but the Blackfish insists not to let him in warning the soldier who thinks he needs to obey his orders that "it's a trap you idiot!" need to use this screencap next time someone posts how they want to get Sneaky pregnant



and the retard soldier insists he needs to obey his Lord's commands and the Blackfish snaps at him "you're obeying the fucking Kingslayer's commands!" as a knife to your commanders throat is no valid order but the guy orders his men to bring up the drawbridge and Blackfish takes out the first few inches of his sword and threatens "I'll have your head before I surrender Riverrun" and the soldier warns him "you are not Lord of his castle... my Lord" and Blackfish looks around seeing all the other men are half-drawing on him too so he just gives up realizing they're fucked if these idiots fall for this and walks off and Edmund looks back up the hill at Jaime as the drawbridge comes down for him and he closes his eyes hoping this doesn't end too badly for his people and steels himself to march inside and one of the Frey boys teases Jaime "if you're wrong we've just surrendered our most valuable prisoner" and Jaime just ignores him staring off thinking about how gone back to his old self again, another scene that would make a better read if he'd raped Cersei but whatever, then inside Edmund stares at Blackfish who stares back as if he's begging him not to end it because this is all he's got but Edmund hands off his torch and marches up some stairs to the ramparts and the soldier that let him in welcomes him home and Edmund orders "command all the forces within the castle to lay down their arms" for a second I thought Edmund was going to decide fuck it dude figuring Jaime would kill them all and his family anyway since he has such a bad rep and just join in on the siege or something which would be an ironic mistake for Jaime to make going back to his old ways thinking that would help him win via might makes right of threatening a toddler only to have it backfire after it makes him seem too unreasonable for Edmund to bargain with to show the downside of being an edgy cunt but that would be some good writing so not allowed in season 6 and the soldier hesitates but Emdund insist "your lord has given a command" and Jaime watches as the drawbridge lowers and glares over at the Frey son who gives him a respectful smile as the entire Lannister army starts marching towards the castle to seize it and Edmund orders to arrest the Blackfish and hand him over to the Frey's and the soldier looks disappointed at his Lord but gives the order anyway and then we see a huge pile of weapons amassing as the men surrender their arms and then under the castle Blackfish is taking Brie and Pod to a boat to escape and she offers to take him with them but he insists "I've run before at the Red Wedding, I'm not running again, this is my family home!" and she asks him not to die for his pride but he tells her "you'll serve Sansa far better than I ever could, now go on!" and draws his sword joking "I haven't had a good sword fight in years, I expect I'll make a damn fool of myself" and runs up the stairs to have a warriors death and Brie looks on after him with respect like she hopes that's how she goes out and then peaces out as we see the Lannisters hanging up their banners taking the castle back (but no Frey banners in sight lol owned) and then a man tells Jaime the Blackfish "died fighting, my lord" and Jaime just nods him off and stands there looking almost jealous that the Blackfish got to die a heroic death and that's probably better than he'll ever get and he looks down the river to see Brie and Pod rowing away and she looks back at him and Jaime waves to her and she gives him a hesitant wave back as they both hope they're still friends despite drifting apart (literally, bravo DnD!)



then in Meereen THE SLAVE MASTER'S SHIPS ARE LAUNCHING FLAMING CATAPULTS AT THE CITY LIKE YE OLDE ARTILLERY STRIKES



STARING HUGE SMOKING FIRES ALL OVER MEEREEN AND PELTING THE GREAT PYRAMID WITH BOMBS



BUT IT'S SO HUGE THEY BARELY MAKE A DENT



I hope they actually use all that space and it's not completely wasted on one throne room kek, and Tyrion marches up with Missy admitting he was wrong and tries to give some ideas for the defence of the city but Grey Worm snaps "no more talking from you, your talking gave us this" and after some squabbling Tyrion gives in and asks what to do and Grey Worm explains the Great Pyramid is their only defensible position and Missy flinches as some shit explodes above but... then they hear footsteps as if they catapulted soldiers on their roof or some dumb shit and Grey Worm nods to his men and Missy grabs a dagger to save herself from le rape and Grey Worm gets a dagger out as he nods for his Unsullied to take up positions with their spears over their shields as they kick open a door and start room clearing like ye olde SWAT team and I was expecting him to get attacked from above but all the Unsullied kneel down as DANY WALKS IN THE ROOM aaaah it was Drogon landing her on the roof and we see him flying off to take care if buisness behind her



then we see The Hound walking through the woods and he finds... his target in the yellow cloak and two other men already being strung up on nooses... by Beric, and his men all get ready to fight if they have to as he notices "Clegane" and Thoros asks "the fuck you doing here?" and The Hound says "chasing them! you?" and Beric awkwardly says "hanging them" and The Hound asks "any particular reason?" and Beric says "they're our men, or they were, they attacked a nearby Sept and murdered the villagers, why do you want them?" and he tells them "same reason, I was helping build it, they killed a friend of mine" and the yellow cloaked man glares at him figuring he already killed his own friends and Thoros quips "you got friends?" and The Hound sighs "not anymore... they're mine" and walks forward but Beric assures him "it's the Brotherhood's good name they've dragged through the dirt" but The Hound doesn't give a fuck as always and growls "fuck your name they're mine, I killed you once before Dundarian I'm happy to do it again" and the expert archer guy who's name I forgot takes aim at his head and The Hound just says "drop that arrow you bloody girl" without even looking over and when he doesn't The Hound points his axe at him and warns the truth "tougher girls than you have tried to kill me" and as he starts towards his man Beric knows he needs to placate this killing machine and offers "you can have one of them" and The Hound looks around and tries for "two" and he looks at Thoros to see if he refuses but then just lets him so The Hound walks up and is about to put his axe in one of them men when Thoros grabs the axe and says "no no no no, we're not butchers, we hang them" as the yellow cloaked man looks down perplexed as to what the difference is if they're going to execute him one way or the other and The Hound snaps "hanging? all over in an instant, where's the punishment in that?" and Thoros goes "uh they die?" and The Hound does the Valar Morghulis meme "we all bloody die... except this one here" pointing to Beric who's got cheats turned on lmao so The Hound offers "I'll only gut one of them" and the yellow cloaked man looks at Beric for help who stops The Hound who offers "chop off one hand?" lmao bit he tells him like he's trying to bargain with a spoiled child who wants all the candy "we gave you two of the three out of respect for your loss, that's generous" and The Hound sighs heavily and throws his axe down complaining "bunch of nancies, there was a time I'd have killed all seven of you just to gut these three" and Thoros taunts "you're getting old Clegane" (no he's just coming back in season 6 where characters are increasingly either obviously good guys or obviously bad guys)



and The Hound quips "he's not" and HE PULLS THE BLOCK OUT FROM UNDER ONE OF THE MEN BREAKING HIS NECK ON THE NOOSE oooh I gotta admit I love how they manage to write the violene to always be a bit shocking each time it happens unlike most shows that totally overproduce violent scenes so they're telegraphed from a mile away and the man in the yellow cloak begs "please don't, I'll give you anything" and The Hound grimaces at this coward who killed his friends and can't even own up to it and HE KICKS THE BLOCK OUT FROM HIM TOO AND WATCHES HIM WRIGGLE AND GARGLE AT THE END OF THE ROPE AS IT STRANGLES HIM



and Beric hangs the third one with him who swings about being strangled too, they could have just let him do them all it's not like anyone would think it wasn't them if they told them, but I guess it's more of a message to his other men if you do that shit I won't have a problem taking you out, and they go to leave but notice The Hound is stealing the yellow cloaked man's boots and checking if they'll fit him and they just stand there in amazement that he's robbing this man as he's still dying above him lmao and he just casually asks "got anything to eat?" and later at their camp they're all eating together with The Hound chewing through a drumstick like a dog and Beric offers The Hound to join them and Thoros tries the "we're here for a reason, the Lord of Light is keeping Beric alive for a reason, he gave a failed drunk priest the power to bring him back for a reason, we are part of something greater than ourselves" angle but The Hound's budding faith got cut short the other day and he points out "lots of horrible shit in this world gets done for "something larger than ourselves"" and tosses him his flask and marches off to take a piss and Beric warns "cold winds are rising in the North" and The Hound taunts "and you're going to go stop them?" as WE SEE THE HOUND TAKE OUT HIS PENIS, EBIN and Beric pleads "we need good men to help us" and The Hound points out "last time you saw me you wanted to execute me" but Beric asks "the Lord of Light gave you the power to defeat me, why?" and The Hound chuckles and replies "I beat you because I'm better than you Beric! I was better than you before you started yammering on about the Lord and I'm better than you now" and Beric admits "aye you're probably right, you're a fighter, you were born a fighter, you walked away from the fight, how did that go?" and The Hound glares at him and Beric warns "good and bad, young and old, the things we're fighting will destroy them all alike" and The Hound sighs hard knowing he's gonna get into some more bullshit and Thoros gives a cheeky look knowing it's working as Beric tempts "you can still help a lot more than you've harmed Clegane, it's not too late for you" and The Hound......... sits there and sighs probably giving in



then we see the actress lady who's name I forget checking on Arya, inb4 she is le Faceless Man, and she walks out to get a stool and get something off the top of a shelf, some little bottle... hmmm.... and she looks up to see... some young blonde man? and Arya wakes with a start as she hears a thump and asks "Lady Crane?" and she goes to find... THE ACTRESS WITH HER THROAT SLIT DEAD ON THE FLOOR EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 121 ya know no good deed and all that, I kind of like how they positioned her body here splayed out over the stool so it's really unnatural and immediately visually jarring to let you know she's dead



and the edgy cunt is standing there with a knife saying "if you'd have done your job she would have died painlessly? instead...." and gestures to her without looking and starts towards Arya ranting "The Many-Faced God was promised a name... he must always receive what is his, you can't change that, I can't change that, no one can... and now he's been promised another name" uh oh my terrible taste in women is being triggered by this bitches psychotic mannerisms, thank god I am a level 5 mgtow or I'd end up in some bad fucking relationships



and Arya can tell she's fucked as this girl stares at her hungrily so ARYA LEAPS OFF THE BALCONY INTO THE STREET AND RUNS INTO THE CITY AND THE GIRL CASUALLY WALKS OUT THE FRONT DOOR AND LOOKS AROUND LIKE TERMINATOR TO WHERE THE CROWD IS DISPERSED AND GIVES CHASE RUNNING FULL PELT AFTER ARYA THROUGH THE ALLEYWAYS LIKE A T-1000 AND ARYA HAS TO SLIDE UNDER A CART THAT THE GIRL JUST LEAPS STRAIGHT OVER AND ARYA JUST BARELY MANAGES TO MAKE IT AROUND A CORNER BEFORE THE GIRL FINDS HER



and she finds herself in a steamy men's bathhouse with creepy old men in their underwear walking all around her and she leaves out the other exit walking through the crowd paranoid that her hunter could be any of these people literally like some Terminator 2 shit but THE GIRL COMES RUNNING ALONG THE ROOFTOPS BEHIND HER AND THROWS HERSELF DOWN INTO THE CROWD TO GIVE CHASE AGAIN WITH A BIG SMILE AS ARYA RACES THROUGH THE MARKET JUMPING OVER STALLS AND THEN OVER A WALL AND FALLS DOWN SOME STAIRS HILARIOUSLY AND OVER THE TOP COMICALLY SPEWING BASKETS OF ORANGES EVERYWHERE AS THE CROWD YELLS AT HER THE ENTIRE WAY DOWN HAHAHAHAHA



and there's maybe a reference to The Godfather there where oranges are associated with death coming as an orange rolls into a splotch of Arya's blood as he lays there groaning in pain as her stitches have burst but she looks up to see... the cunty girl staring at her through the crowd, so she gets up and tries to crawl away down an alleyway but the girl walks after her tracking her by her blood trail until she follows Arya into the shitty little stone room she was sleeping in and the girl closes the door and approaches Arya curled up panting in the corner and promises her "it will all be over soon, on your knees or on your feet?" and Arya struggles to stand up to die with some pride... but with Needle in her hand, and the girl asks "haven't we been through this already? that won't help you" and comes at her and ARYA CLOSES HER EYES AND SLASHES THE ONLY CANDLE LIGHTING THE ROOM SO THE GIRL HAS TO FIGHT HER IN THE PITCH BLACK SHE LEARNED HOW TO FIGHT IN WHILE BLIND at first I thought she was just like listening hard or something because I missed that she cut that candle since it cuts away like 1 frame later lmao good editing, also how does this make any sense? I'm sure this girl has had the same blindness training and is, you know, the one who trained her? whatever this whole storyline is demented and I need it over with asap



then in the Faceless Men's temple Jaqen walks in to see a trail of blood on the ground and follows it to the open door where they keep the bodies and he goes down into the catacombs into the room for all the faces and follows the blood to a pillar to find THE ASSASSIN GIRLS CUT OFF FACE ON DISPLAY! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 122 uhhhhhhhhhh I am pretty sure you can't cut someone's face of that easily but ok duuuuuuuuuude



and Arya appears behind him saying "you told her to kill me" and Jaqen turns to see Needle pointed at him and he confesses "yes, but here you are, and there she is" and Arya nods proudly and Jaqen walks into Needle and notes "finally a girl is no one" clearly completely wrong since the writing has gone to shit but Arya says "A GIRL IS ARYA STARK OF WINTERFELL AND I'M GOING HOME" riiiiiiight so what was the point of even going there in the first place? steal some free training? and Jaqen smiles and nods as if he's happy he, or even she maybe, whoever this obnoxious twat is, is happy she actually chose her own life and didn't get brainwashed into their bullshit cult that seems to have degenerated into just another money making venture, thank fucking goooooooooooooooooooood that dumb contrived up its own ass storyline is over





Game of Thrones 6x09: "Battle of the Bastards"
KNOTTED.com special edition
First aired: June 19, 2016

we open on I guess the master's attack ships in Meereen loading what looks like a huge nut onto a catapult that gets lit on fire and shot into the city even though last episode they were clearly trebuchet but ok dude and we see A DUDE GETTING BLOWN THE FUCK AWAY BY A FLAMING PROJECTILE



AND PEOPLE BURNING ALIVE AS FIRE SPREADS THROUGHOUT THE CITY



and Dany looks down at her city being bombarded from the water wait it's already fucking daytime? send Drogon down to burn their ships already you dumb thot and inside Tyrion tries to tell Dany "uhhhhhh despite appearances the city is on the rise" and Dany stands extremely unnaturally stock still while she stares at him as he tries to talk his way out of it and she slowly raises an eyebrow as he tries to tell her they're being attacked for their success as they prove you don't need masters stumbling over his words and stuttering as he's so scared of Dany lmao why is Tyrion's storyline written and shot like a fucking comedy show? and he forces himself to look up strongly at Dany who just goes "good, shall we begin?" and a startled Tyrion asks "do we have a plan?" and Dany walks up and casually says "I will crucify the masters, I will set their fleets afire, kill every last one of their soldiers and return their cities to the dirt, that is my plan" and Tyrion looks super awkward and Dany realizes "you don't approve" and Tyrion tries to tell her not to be like her father and very conveniently mentions his plan to immolate all of King's Landing for all the newfag normie audience members who just started watching also let me just point out that Dany has made almost no comment about her infamously psychotic father who was the last legitimate King despite her entire life revolving around being the next legitimate Queen since her character is so far removed from the rest of the show but thankfully the writing for every other character is getting so bad she's almost fitting in anyway Dany tries to say she's not her father but Tyrion warns her "you're talking about burning cities... it's not exactly different" and she has a rare moment of introspection and realizes he's right but then THE WINDOW BURSTS OPEN AS IT GETS HIT BY A BOMBARDMENT



then on the beach they are calling a parley with Dany not even having time to change out of her Dothraki clothes and the King of Yunkai taunts her for turning down his fleet when they first met 3 years ago but Dany just looks at him trying to contain her smug grin as she's gonna ice all these guys I'm sure anyway and Tyrion says they're there to discuss terms of surrender, aka it's definitely Dany's trap, and the dude who bought Tyrion and Jorah and is now representing Astapor says they're going to gtfo, give him the Unsullied and Missy and let them kill the dragons under the Great Pyramid I guess these idiots didn't see the massive Drogon landing up there and think they're all under there, but surely they heard how fucking big Drogon was at the fighting pit? or do they just hope he's still AFK? wouldn't it be pertinent to send a force to go kill the two dragons somehow or have some defence against them or something? seems like the obvious thing to do...



and Grey Worm and Missy look nervous not wanting to be slaves again but Dany just glares at them and says "we obviously didn't communicate clearly, we're here to discuss your surrender, not mine" and the three Kings can't fucking believe it and the Yunkai King mocks "I understand it must be hard adjusting to this new reality... your reign is over!" but she says quietly "my reign has just begun"



and in the distances they hear... reeeeeee... oh boy I wonder how Dany will get out of this sticky situation, and the Kings look at each other like uhhhhhh and turn around and Dany gets super smug as DROGON SOARS OVER THEM AND LANDS ON THE BUILDING ABOVE THEM AND ALL THE KINGS AND THEIR MEN FUCKING BRICK IT AS HE JUMPS DOWN BEHIND DANY LIKE WHAT THE FOOK DID U JUST SAY TO ME FOOKIN MUM M8?



AND HE PUTS DOWN HIS WING FOR HER TO WALK UP LIKE THE BOARDING STAIRS OF A PLANE AS SHE CLIMBS ONTO HIS BACK AND HE GIVES EVERYONE A HUGE NEEDLE TOOTHED SHITEATING GRIN LIKE A SMUG PEPE



AND SIMPLY WALKS THROUGH THE MEN AND HOPS OFF THE CLIFF TO TAKE FLIGHT AND ALL THE SOLDIERS AND KINGS WHO HAD TO DIVE OUT THE WAY ARE LIKE THAT'S OP AS FUCK NERF PLZ



AND DANY FLIES DROGON OVER THE CITY AND LOOKS DOWN TO SEE THE OTHER TWO DRAGONS BLOWING THEIR WAY OUT OF THEIR DUNGEON DOOR



AND TAKING FLIGHT AROUND THEIR MASSIVE BIG BROTHER LIKE TWO FIGHTER JETS ESCORTING A PLANE



AND ON THE GROUND THE SONS OF THE HARPY ARE MASSACRING ANY CIVILIANS TRYING TO FLEE THE CITY EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 123



WHEN THEY HEAR A SCREAMING SOUND AND LOOK UP TO SEE... THE ENTIRE DOTHRAKI HOARD RIDING TOWARDS THEM!!!



LEAD BY DAARIO SCREAMING HIS LUNGS OUT TOO WHO BEHEADS ONE OF THE HARPIES



AND IN THE SKY DANY FLIES DROGON AND THE TWO SMALLER DRAGONS OVER THE FLEET STILL PELTING THE CITY WITH BOMBARDMENTS



AND THE CREW LOOKS UP INTO THE SKY BRICKING IT AS THESE FUCKING HELLBEASTS TAXI IN FORMATION ABOVE THEM



AND DANY JUST HAS TO SAY "DRACARYS"



ALL THREE LIGHT THE SHIP THE FUCK UP AND THE MEN ARE ROASTED ALIVE



AND THEY DIE SCREAMING IN AGONY AS THEY'RE IMMOLATED RETURNING THE FAVOR FOR THE CITY



AND ALL THEIR ORDINANCE DETONATES BLOWING THEM THE FUCK AWAY IN HUGE FIREBALLS



AND THE OTHER SAILORS LOOK ON IN HORROR THAT THEIR SHIPS ARE NEXT



WELCOME TO MEEREEN BITCH



then back at the beach Grey Worm announces "you men have a choice, fight and die for masters who would never fight and die for you or go home to your families" and the slave soldiers all drop their swords and run off as the Unsullied snap to attention and the three Kings brick it and Tyrion taunts "thank you for the armada, our Queen does love ships" and calls them out for violating their pact and Missy tells them "our queen insists that one of you must die" wow edgy and Tyrion points out "it always seems a bit abstract doesn't it? other people dying?" and the Yunkai King and I guess the representative of Volantis immediately shoves forward Tyrion's old master saying "this one, he's a low born, he's not one of us!" and the man drops to his knees to Grey Worm for mercy and GREY WORM SLITS THE YUNKAI KING AND THE VOLANTIS KINGS THROATS IN ONE SWIPE OVER TYRIONS OLD MASTERS HEAD as they were the least honerable one and the man sits there in shock and Tyrion comes up and compassionately tells his old owner to tell his people "you live by the grace of Her Majesty" and to just remind anyone who wants revenge what happened in there and they all walk off leaving the man along on his knees as dragons soar in the background, wow what a well written sequence where Dany gets out of another sticky situation because her dragon turned up never seen that before other thaaaaaaaaan in season 2 when her baby dragons killed the warlock in Qarth, in season 3 when they killed the King of Astapor, in season 4 I don't even remember what happened with Dany lmao and in season 5 annihilated almost every SotH in front of the entire city of Meereen... simply ebin they should have really had it where it's the Dothraki that mainly save the day since that's a force it would make sense for the Masters to not know she had access to (not really since armies take ages to travel anywhere and in these days enemy forces had scouts following them everywhere they went but at least it would be something not done in the show three times before) but all they did was kill like 10 guys on the ground ebin



then back in Westeros a parley party from the Bolton's is riding out of Winterfell to meet with Jon and Sansa, as fucking if they'd ever trust the most obvious psychopath to ever live to honor a parley, and Jon is telling his sister "you don't have to be here" but she insists "yes I do" right great so Ramsay can slaughter all of you real fucking ebin writing going on here and Ramsay gives Sansa a big cheesy smile and says "my beloved wife, I've missed you terribly, thank you for returning Lady Bolton safely... now, dismount and kneel before me, surrender your army and proclaim me the true Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North, I will pardon you for deserting the Night's Watch, I will pardon these treasonous Lords for betraying my house" and Jon, Sansa, Davos and Tormund just sit there awkwardly as the fucking 10 year old Lord Lady sits in the background sneering at Ramsay who goes "come, bastard, you don't have the men, you don't have the horses, and you don't have Winterfell, why lead those poor souls into slaughter? there's no need for a battle, get off your horse and kneel... I'm a man of mercy" alright I'm guessing the meme here is uuuuuh Jaime feels sorry for Brie and sends Edmund up with the Tully forces anyway? and maybe even the Lannister army? since the Bolton's got Cersei angry by marrying Sansa and trying to get above their station and Jaime could also cut a deal where if he gives the North back to the Starks the Tully's and Jon's forces will come down to King's Landing and kick the shit out of the Sparrows or something, anyway Jon says "you're right, there's no need for a battle, thousands of men don't need to die... only one of us... let's end this the old way, you against me" and everyone looks around super dramatically and Ramsay starts chuckling and says "I keep hearing stories about you, bastard, the way people in the North talk about you you're the greatest swordsman who ever walked! maybe you are that good, maybe not, I don't know if I'd beat you, but I know my army will beat yours! I have 6000 men, you have, what, half that? not even?"



wait I thought Ramsay was le ebin swordsman who could fight the Iron Islands best soldiers while fucking shirtless I would have thought he'd say yes on the understanding that if he looks like he's about to lose his men just attack anyway lmao and Jon says "aye, you have the numbers, will your men want to fight for you when they hear you wouldn't fight for them?" I think the answer is yes since they're scared of him and then all wars could be decided by Dothraki single combat rules if that tactic worked you brainlet and Ramsay's smile instantly drops and he starts pointing anxiously at Jon and muttering "he's good, very good!" and drops the leader facade and lets the real Ramsay come out "tell me, would you let your little brother die because you're too proud to surrender?" and Sasna asks "how do we know you have him?" and Ramsay turns his attention to her with laser focus and looks over to his man and smiles who THROWS DOWN RICKON'S DIREWOLF'S SEVERED HEAD and Sansa and Jon sit there sadly remembering their own wolves and Ramsay grins and says "so if you want to save-" but Sansa cuts him off and says "you're going to die tomorrow Lord Bolton... sleep well"



and she rides off all on her own which is really weird and awkward since a soldier could snipe her with an arrow or some shit at any second and he gets a goofy smile glares at Jon hoping Sansa told him he raped her every night and then he starts up "she's a fine woman, your sister, I look forward to having her back in my bed... and you're all fine-looking men... my dogs desperate to meet you, I haven't fed them in seven days haha! they're ravenous! I wonder which parts they'll try first... your eyes? your balls?! heh... we'll find out soon enough, in the morning then.... bastard" and stares Jon wide eyed like a lion that's seen it's prey as he rides back to Winterell



and then Jon says "if he was smart he'd stay inside the walls of Winterfell and wait us out" but Davos says he'll show force as "he knows the North is watching" and can't show weakness as fear is his power and Jon points out that's his weakness too and his men will abandon him if the tide turns but Tormund growls "it's not his men that worry me, it's his horses, I know what mounted knights can do to us, you and Stannis cut through us like piss through snow!" and Jon suggests trenches to defend against a similar pincer move and Tormund doesn't get it and stares blankly at him and Jon looks at Davos as he realizes the vast majority of his army are savages with zero understanding of modern infantry combat lmao and has to explain "they wont be able to hit us from the side" and Tormund just grumbles "good" and stares at him awkwardly and Davos says "it's crucial that we let them charge at us, they've got the numbers, we need the patience, if we let him buckle our centre, he'll peruse, then we'll have him surrounded on three sides" and Tormund, not getting any of that, leans in to Jon and asks "did you really think that CUNT would fight you man-to-man?" and Jon growls "no, but I wanted to make him angry, I want him coming at us full tilt" and Sansa looks a bit proud that her brother has picked up how to be a manipulative shit like her too but also rustled that he's making the wrong call and getting Ramsay mad is probably a bad play and they all decide to get some sleep for the battle tomorrow and Jon sits down holding his head from the stress and Sansa says "so you've met the enemy, drawn up your battle plans..." and Jon sighs "aye, for what it's worth" and Sansa rants "you've known him for the duration of one conversation, you and your advisers, and you sit around making your plans on how to defeat a man you don't know! I lived with him, I know the way his mind works, I know how he likes to hurt people, did it ever once occur to you that I might have some insight?" and Jon is not in the mood to argue with ye olde triggered feminist and sighs "you're right"



and she bitches "you think he's going to fall into your trap, he wont, he's the one who lays traps" yeah I bet he does gaaaaaay boiiiiiiii and Jon claims "he's overconfident" but Sansa insists "he plays with people, he's far better at it than you, he's been doing it all his life" and Jon snaps "aye and what have I been doing all my life playing with broomsticks? I've bought beyond The Wall worse than Ramsay Bolton! I've defended The Wall from worse than Ramsay Bolton!" idk at least Wildling's and White Walkers just eat ya and she insists "you don't know him" so he gives him "alright, tell me, what should we do? how do we get Rickon back?" and Sansa breaks the news "we'll never get him back, Rickon is Ned Stark's trueborn son, which makes him a greater threat to Ramsay than you, a bastard, or me, a girl" which is maybe the real reason he cut off Theon's big benis since it stops him from being able to continue his House's legacy but keeps him alive to use him as a hostage against his family so uh oh hope Rickon has at least learnt how to jerk off because he's not got much time left and Sansa goes on "as long as he lives Ramsay's claim to Winterfell will be contested which means... he won't live long" but Jon gasps "we cant give up on our brother!" and Sansa cries "listen to me please! he wants you to make a mistake!" so Jon demands "I know he does! so what should I do differently?" and Sansa admits "I don't know I don't know anything about battles just dont do what he wants you to do" and Jon mutters "aye that's good advice" and she asks "you think that's obvious?" and Jon snaps "well it is a bit obvious!" lmaooooooooo and she chews him out for attacking at all without a larger force but he screams they'll never have one and they yell back and fourth about how fucked they are and Jon insists "battles have been one against greater odds....." I guess thinking of his battle at The Wall that he only survived because Stannis absolutely magically showed up out of nowhere with no explanation because the writing started getting worse and worse as they started running out of books lmao and she tells him seriously "if Ramsay wins... I am not going back there alive, do you understand me?" and Jon rubs his two braincells together and understands saying "I won't let ever... let him touch you again, I'll protect you I promise" and Sansa just sneers "no one can protect me, no one can protect anyone" and storms off leaving Jon to fret over his retarded battle plan



and outside Davos asks Tormund if there's hope but he doesn't know what the Bolton's are capable of... and they haven't seen how the free folk fight so yeah there's hope, and he thinks Davos wants to avenge Stannis but Davos blames the man himself for his death lis despite how much he loved him and when he explains "he had demons in his head whispering fowl things" Tormund stops and asks "you saw these demons?" Davos tries to explain "no it's a manner of speaking.... not actual demons" which is maybe le dumb joke but hopefully the writers remember he literally saw a demon that contributed to corrupting him and Tormund starts chewing Stannis out for killing Mance saying how much better he was for not torturing people or listening to red witches and Davos proposes "maybe that was our mistake, believing in Kings?" but Tormund reminds him "Jon Snow's not a King" and invites him for a drink... of sour goat's milk, claiming it's better than any grape juice dumb southerners suck on, but Davos says he always takes a walk before battle... to shit his guts out in anxiety lmao, and Tormund laughs and blesses him "happy shitting"

then we see Jon coming to talk to the Red Lady who is autistically staring at fire to get some advice but all she has is "don't lose" right brilliant and Jon asks "if I do, and I fall... don't bring me back" Jon trying to get the writing quality back up in the show lmao but she insists she has to try for the Lord who clearly wants him alive and Jon asks "why?" and she admits "I don't know" and admits he might just be there to die again having a similar experience to Thoros where maybe she never really fully believed but now finds themselves a real conduit for Allah's power and Jon grumbles "what kinda God would do something like that?" and the Red Lady just tells him "the one we've got" and Jon tries autistically staring into the fire for a bit but it doesn't work and storms out, ok thanks Allah

then we see Davos going for a shit and uuuh ooooh he finds... an old funeral pyre... and inside it finds... THE WOODEN HORSE TOY HE MADE FOR SHIREEN ALL BURNT UP and he realizes what happened to her, very convinient she happened to have that at the time but I guess it's acceptable kino, and as the sun rises behind him like the angry holy fire that killed Shireen as he looks back at Jon's camp realizing the Red Lady fucking immolated his 11 year old friend uh oooooooh



then in Meereen Tyrion is asking "last time I saw you was... back in Winterfell yes? you were making jokes about my height I seem to recall, every person to make a joke about a dwarf's height thinks he's the only person to ever make a joke about a dwarf's height" as YARA AND THEON ARE MEETING WITH DANY which means TYRION HAS A T_H_I_R_D MAN WHO'S MISSING HIS COCK TO MAKE FUN OF LMAO and Theon looks awkwardly at him as Tyrion remembers "the height of nobility, a man of your stature, someone to look up to, you're all making the same five or six jokes" uhhhhhh they're called memes actually so it's ok! and Theon looks him in the eye and says honestly "it was a long time ago" and Tyrion taunts "it was... and how have things been going for you since then? not so well I gather" as Theon tries and fails to hold his gaze and Theon admits he didn't kill the Stark boys but did things as bad... or worse and Yara says "and he paid for them" but Tyrion says "doesn't seem like it" ah he doesn't know about the whole Reek phase and he starts talking down to Theon thinking his only issue was growing up in Winterfell and Dany says "you've brought us 100 ships from the Iron Fleet" don't know how the fuck the like 8 other men in the rowboat we saw them escaping in would steal all those ships but ok dude and shes knows what they want in return but Theon points out it's his sister's claim to the throne not his and Dany immediately clocks "and whats wrong with you?" and Theon grumbles "I'm not fit to rule" and Tyrion taunts "we can agree on that at least" and Dany asks "has the Iron Islands ever had a queen before?" and Yara fires back "no more than Westeros" pointing out they'll both be firsts and Dany gives a smile as she's happy to meet a fellow empowered woman yaaaaaaaas slay queeeeeeeeen



and Theon tells them about Euron's antics and Dany brings up how terrible a King Yara's father was and she claps back "you and I have that in common" oooooooooh snaaaaaap and Dany admits "we do... and both murdered by a usurper too" and Tyrion tells her that their ships combined with the former Masters ships might be enough oh my god is she going to turn up to save Jon and Tyrion tells her Euron will make an offer with more boats but warns he wants to give her... and Yara buts in "his BIG COCK I think he said" (guess it runs in the family, rip Theon's dick) and Dany chuckles not surprised and quips that Yara wouldn't demand marriage but she smirks "I never demand, but I'm up for anything really" and Dany gives her a smile like she loes a confident woman and Theon tells him his uncle will merc her as soon as he gets the 7 Kingdoms and all they want is their homeland back, I guess if the Westeros is obviously the UK that would make the Iron Islands sort of like the Isle of Man which changed hands between Scotland, England, Wales and Ireland several times and is still a sort of weird semi-independent protectorate or some shit despite just being another island off the coast of the British Isles, and Yara says all they want is to "help murder an uncle or two that doesn't think a woman is fit to rule" and Dany smirks and says "reasonable" YAAAAAAS LITERALLY SLAY LITERAL QUEEEEEEEEEN and Tyrion warns what if everyone demands independence but Dany already loves Yara and says they're just asking and declares "our fathers were evil men, all of us here, they left the world worse than they found it, we're not going to do that, we're going to leave the world better than we found it" and tells them if they support her claim and do "no more reaving, roving, raiding... or raping" walking straight up to Yara already knowing all the bullshit she lets her men get away with even if she claims not to do it herself but literal rape culture defending Yara says "that's our way of life" but she insists "no more" and stares the taller woman down so Yara bottles it and says "no more" and everyone nods to their advisers happy with the arrangement and Dany and Yara shake hands, inb4 absolute memery where they come in and save Jon that should have really been done to defeat the Master's navy since I guess they just completely cucked out and surrender after losing only one boat or something even though Yara is just sailing up to Meereen with the best war fleet in the world she could have won Dany over by effortlessly dominating the Master's fleet but I guess that would be too much CGI so whatever duuuuuuude



then speaking of which the next morning Jon's army is all standing in formation ready to rock and roll and everyone is extremely nervous, even Wun Wun is breathing hard, and all the North men are not even paying attention to how there is a giant on their side and staring out across the field at...



THE BURNING FLAYED PEOPLE THE BOLTONS HAVE PLACED BETWEEN THE TWO ARMIES EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 124



and there's some scary music as the camera pans over to show... the Bolton's twice as large army with a huge cavalry and all the men in the same uniforms actually looking disciplined rather than the Wildlings all standing around in the open... and then Ramsay comes trotting out on his horse... carrying a rope that's dragging something... oh god... it's Rickon isn't it... and he seems fine, if this show still had balls he'd be missing his eyes or some edgy shit but he's just his hostage, still wearing the animal pelt clothes Osha made or him, and tugs the teenage boy out beside him infront of his army and takes out his sword... so Jon steps forward out into the open... and Rickon clenches his eyes ready to die... but Ramsay cuts his binds and asks the like 13 year old kid who's already the same height as him "do you like games little man?" and Rickon replies WE LIKE FORTNITE WE LIKE FORTNITE WE LIKE FORTNITE no he just stands there terrified and Ramsay suggests "LET'S PLAY A GAME" *SAW THEME MUSIC STARTS UP* and grabs him by the shoulder and points him in the right direction and dares "run to your brother, the sooner you make it to him, the sooner you get to see him again, that's it, that's the game, easy" and gives him a big goofy fake grin and Jon breathes hard knowing he's going to shoot his brother down or some shit and he tells him "ready? go" and lets Rickon walk away who looks back in disbelief and Ramsay says "no you have to run remember? those are the rules"



RAMSAY'S MAN HANDS HIM HIS BOW AND ARROW AND JON LEAPS ON HIS HORSE AND GALLOPS TORWADS HIM AS RAMSAY CASUALLY NOTCHES HIS ARROW AS RICKON RUNS FOR HIS FUCKING LIFE AND RAMSAY FIRES AN ARROW ARCHING IT OVER THE FIELD..... BUT HITS RIGHT BESIDE RICKON



AND RAMSAY SHRUGS AND TAKES ANOTHER ARROW AS JON RACES AS FAST AS HIS HORSE WILL GO TO HIS LITTLE BROTHER AND RAMSAY COCKILY LOOKS AT HIS MAN AND FIRES WITHOUT LOOKING AND JON WHIPS HIS HORSE TO RUN AS FAST AS IT CAN GO



AS RICKON DOES THE SAME AS RAMSAY AIMS HIS THIRD ARROW PUTTING HIS EYE RIGHT UP TO IT WITH HIS OTHER CLOSED TO REALLY AIM AND THEN FIRES IT... BUT IT LANDS BY RICKON'S FOOT...



AND JON IS ALMOST TO RICKON... BUT THAT ARROW WAS THE SECOND ARROW AND THE THIRD ARROW HITS RICKON THROUGH THE HEART!!! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 125



and Jon arrives just in time to watch his little brother stop writhing around and die and Tormund looks at Davos realizing it's fucking on now and Jon looks up at Ramsay like he'll get what he wants and Ramsay looks super confident like every fibre of his being was born for this shit and Tormund begs "don't..." to himself but Jon struggles to control himself and Ramsay just smiles and walks away knowing Jon is emotionally compromised as THE BOLTON ARCHERS LET LOOSE ALL THEIR ARROWS PERFORATING THE GROUND AROUND RICKON AND HIS CORPSE AS JON JUST RIDES AWAY TO AVOID THE VOLLEY



AND DAVOS SCREAMS TO HIS MEN "GO! GO! FOLLOW YOUR COMMANDER!" AND JONS CAVALRY GIVES CHASE AND TORMUND SCREAMS "RUN AND FIIIGHT!" AND WUN WUN HOLLARS AS THE WILDLINGS LEG IT FULL BLAST TOWARDS THE ARMY TWICE THEIR SIZE AND WE CUT TO A SLOW-MO SHOT OF THE CHARGING CAVALRY AS



JON IS FINNA BOUTA SOLO THE ENTIRE BOLTON ARMY WHOS ARCHERS LOOSE ANOTHER VOLLEY OF ARROWS AND ONE HITS JONS HORSE SENDING IT FALLING AND JON FLYING OFF AND RAMSAY SMILES AND GIVES THE ORDER "NOW!" AND A MAN YELLS "CAVALRY! CHAAAAAARGE!" and Jon stands up to see... every bolton mounted soldier racing towards him... and he sighs realizing his 60 iq points were not enough and maybe running straight at an enemy army is not a good idea... and he looks down remembering all he's lost and decides to go out like Stannis did and JON DRAWS LONGCLAW and takes a fighting stance ready to die a warriors death as the cavalry bares down on him.... oh what dumb shits gonna happen to save him...



HIS OWN CAVALRY CRASHES INTO THE BOLTON'S AS IT'S INCHES AWAY FROM HIM SHREDDING THE GROUND AND SENDING HORSES FLYING INTO THE AIR AS THEY COLLIDE HEAD-ON



AND RIDERS FLY OVER THE SIDE SCREAMING AND KNIGHTS SPEAR EACH OTHER AND HORSES TRAMPLE OTHER HORSES IN A MEATGRINDER OF ABSOLUTE CARNAGE



AND DAVOS ORDERS "NOCK!" AND RAMSAY ORDERS "NOCK!" AS THE HORSE ON HORSE CHAOS CONTINUES AND THEY BOTH ORDER "DRAW!" AS MEN HACK EACH OTHER TO DEATH FROM HORSEBACK BUT DAVOS REALISES "NO WE'LL JUST KILL OUR OWN MEN STAND DOWN" BUT THAT AINT A FUCKING PROBLEM FOR TWISTED FUCKING PSYCHOPATH RAMSAY WHO ORDERS "LOOSE!" AND A VOLLEY OF ARROWS FLIES STRAIGHT INTO THE BATTLING CAVALRIES KILLING MEN AND HORSES ON BOTH SIDES™



JON'S STILL STANDING SOMEHOW AND DODGES HORSES LEFT AND RIGHT COMING AT HIM AND MANAGES TO SMASH A GUY OFF HIS HORSE WITH LONGCLAW



AND KILLS HIM AS HE ROLLS ON THE GROUND AND ANOTHER MAN ATTACKS ON FOOT THAT JON BLOCKS AND SLITS HIS STOMACH OPEN



DUCKS AS MORE ARROWS INCOME KILLING MEN ALL AROUND HIM AND BLOCKS ANOTHER ATTACK AND HACKS INTO THE MAN AND A HORSE CRASHES INTO THE GROUND IN FRONT OF HIM ONLY FOR ANOTHER TO ATTACK BUT HE DIVES OUT THE WAY AND HE ATTACKS ANOTHER SOLDIER



WHO BLOCKS HIM WITH HIS SHIELD BUT JON JUST GRABS HIM AND RAMS HIS SWORD INTO HIM AND ANOTHER ENEMY STAGGERS BACK INTO JON BUT ONE OF HIS SOLDIERS GRABS HIM AND SLITS HIS THROAT



AND JON SCREAMS AT HIS MAN "GET WOR-" BUT HIS FUCKING BRAINS GET BLOWN OUT ALL OVER JONS FACE BY AN ARROW



WHO JUST STANDS THERE IN THE MAYHEM UNTIL HE SEES AN ENEMY KILLING ONE OF HIS MEN ON THE GROUND SO HE DASHES OVER AND RUNS HIM THROUGH WITH HIS SWORD



AND HEADBUTTS ANOTHER AND SLASHES HIM DOWN BLOCKS ANOTHER ENEMIES SWORD, DODGES, BLOCKS AND THE DUDE JUST GETS RAMMED INTO BY A HORSE LMAOOOOO



AND JON MARCHES OVER AND KILLS THE DUDE ON THE GROUND AS HE BEGS FOR HIS LIFE AND A BOLTON SOLDIER ON A HORSE CHARGES AT JON WITH AN AXE BUT A NORTHERNER CAVALRY MAN SMASHES INTO HIM WITH A LANCE TAKING HIM OUT



AND ANOTHER BOLTON SOLDIER RUNS UP ON FOOT PAST A HORSE THAT'S JUMPING UP ON IT'S HIND LEGS TRYING TO ESCAPE THE SLAUGHTER



BUT JON HEAVES LONGCLAW SLICING HIS FUCKING SHITTY SWORD IN HALF AND THAT WAS ALL ONE-SHOT FOLLOWING JON HOLY SHIIIIIT



AND MEN DROP DEAD EVERYWHERE AS HORSES GET SPEARED AND COLLAPSE BUT RAMSAY JUST ORDERS AGAIN "LOOSE!" AND ANOTHER VOLLEY OF ARROWS FLIES UP AND PERFORATES ALL THE DEAD, DYING, INJURED AND FIGHTING SOLDIERS AND JON GRABS THE SOLDIER HE'S FIGHTING AND USES HIM AS A HUMAN SHIELD TO BLOCK THE ARROWS THE ABSOLUTE MADLAD AND KILLS ANOTHER, RUNS THROUGH ANOTHER SEES RAMSAY ORDERING "LOOSE!" SO RUNS BEHIND THIS WALL OF DEAD HORSES THAT'S BUILT UP AS THE ARROWS RAIN DOWN KILLING EVERYONE ON BOTH SIDES NOT IN COVER WITH SOME MEN STILL FIGHTING EACH OTHER AS HE ORDERS AGAIN "LOOSE!" AND JON HACKS THROUGH EVERY BOLTON TRYING TO GET TO COVER AS SOLDIERS GET DROPPED LEFT AND RIGHT SKEWERING ONE THROUGH THE CHEST AND SCREAMING BLOODY FACED INTO THE HEAVENS



AS THE FIGHTING KEEPS TAKING PLACE ON TOP OF A FUCKING MOUNTAIN OF DEAD MEN AND HORSES THAT HAVE ALL CLIMBED ON TOP OF EACH OTHER TRYING TO HIDE FROM THE ARROWS HOLY SHIT THIS IS METAL AS FUCK



AND DAVOS YELLS "WE MAY AS WELL BE TAKING SHITS BACK HERE!" AND SCREAMS "FOLLOOOOOOW!" AND DRAWS HIS SWORD AND THE FUCKING 62 MORMONTS UNDER HIS COMMAND RUN OUT TO CERTAIN DEATH BEHIND HIM



AND RAMSAY JUST SMIRKS AS HE ORDERS "IT'S TIME, GO" AND A DUDE WALKS OUT SCREAMING "WHO OWNS THE NORTH?" AND HIS MEN REPLY "WE DO!" AND HE SCREAMS "SHOW ME!" AS ALL THE FOOT SOLDIERS CHARGE OUT LEAVING RAMSAY SITTING THERE LOOKING SMUG BUT JON IS STILL KILLING LIKE A MADLAD WHEN A SOLDIER KNOCKS HIM DOWN AND STARTS TRYING TO KILL HIM BUT... TORMUND RAMS HIS SWORD THROUGH HIS CHEST!!!



AND PULLS JON TO HIS FEET AS A HORSE RIDES PAST WITH IT'S HEADLESS RIDER SPEWING BLOOD AND WUN WUN PUNCHES IT OVER SO IT CANT RUN INTO HIS MEN



AND THE LADS LOOK UP TO SEE THE WILDLING ARMY CHARGING IN WITH DAVOS AND THE MORMONTS BUT WUN WUN POINTS TO THE BOLTON SOLDIERS WHO ARE... FORMING A SHIELD WALL AROUND JONS ENTIRE ARMY LIKE SOME SPARTAN SHIT!!!



and all the men start panting for breath and Jon looks around knowing he's fucked and Ramsay gets a satisfied smirk as THE BOLTON MEN LOWER THEIR SPEARS AND GET ORDERED "INFANTRY! ADVANCE!" AND THEY MARCH FORWARD AND SKEWER JONS MEN, MARCH FOWARD AND SKEWER MORE MEN, MARCH FORWARD AND SKEWER MORE MEN, CRUSHING JONS ARMY, AND ONE OF JONS MEN TRIES TO CLIMB UP THE HUGE WALL OF CORPSES... BUT RAMSAYS RIGHT HAND MAN SLITS HIS THROAT AND THE BOLTON FOOT SOLDIERS CREST THE MOUNTAIN OF BODIES AND SLIDE DOWN TOWARDS THE NORTHERNERS



AND DAVOS, REALIZING THEY'RE DOING THEIR OWN PLAN TO CORNER THEM IN ON THREE SIDES TO THEM, YELLS "WITH ME LADS! BREAK THEIR LINE!" AND AS JON FIGHTS THE SOLDIERS COMING IN FROM THE BACK WUN WUN SLAPS THE BOTLONS SHIELDS AWAY AND THROWS ONE OF THEIR SOLDIERS INTO THE AIR AS TORMUND SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER AND THROWS HIMSELF STRAIGHT INTO A SHIELD WITH HIS WILDLINGS FOLLOWING HIM AND HE GRABS A SOLDIER FROM BEHIND THE SHIELD WALL, PULLS HIM OUT AND PUTS HIS BLADE IN HIS CHEST



AS WUN WUN SLAPS AT THE BOLTONS TRYING TO KEEP HIM BACK WITH THEIR SPEARS AND THE MEN ALL START SLAUGHTERING EACH OTHER WITH WILDLINGS BASHING A MANS BRAINS IN AND A BOLTON SOLDIER LOST HIS LEGS BEGGING FOR HELP AS HIS OWN MEN MARCH OVER HIM AND A MAN TRIES TO HOLD IN HIS INTESTINES AS MORE PEOPLE DIE ALL AROUND HIM AND RAMSAY JUST CASUALLY STANDS THERE WATCHING THE VIOLENCE AS JON SLITS A GUYS THROAT AS WUN WUN GRABS A BOLTON AND TEARS HIM IN FUCKING HALF!!!



AND THE SHIELDMEN SKEWER WILDLINGS WITH THEIR SPEAR BUT TORMUND PULLS ONE OF THEM DOWN AND KILLS HIM AND THE OTHER MEN POKE TORMUND BUT HIS MEN PULL HIM BACK BUT THEY HEAR "INFANTARY! ADVANCE!" AGAIN AND EVERYONE TRIES TO FALL BACK BUT THEY'RE JUST CRUSHING EACH OTHER AS THE SHIELDWAELL COMPACTS THEM



AND TORMUND LOOKS UP AT THE CORPSEWALL WITH THE BOLTONS KILLING ANONE WHO TRIES TO CLIMB UP AND AT HIS OWN MEN FALLING TO THE ENCROACHING SPEARS AND SCREAMS "FUCK THIS! COME ON!"



AS JON SEES... RAMSAYS RIGHT HAND MAN... AND THEY SQUARE UP TO FIGHT WHEN... WILDLINGS PILE INTO THE SECOND IN COMAND GUY SCREAMING "WE'RE GOING HOME!" STAMPEDING OVER HIM LMAOOOOO



AND JON GETS KNOCKED OVER TOO AND ROLLS AROUND IN THE MUD TRYING NOT TO GET TRAMPLED BY HIS OWN MEN AND THE RIGHT HAND MAN STANDS UP TO SEE TORMUND PUNCHES HIM AND THEY START DUELLING FOR WHO HAS THE BEST HUGE GINGER BEARD AS JON STARTS GETTING BURRIED ALIVE UNDER CORPSES GASPING FOR BREATH AND TORMUND IS GETTING THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF HIM BY THE OTHER GINGER NUT AND JON STARTS TRYING TO SCREAM BUT NO AIR CAN COME OUT



AND EVEN MORE GUYS START TO FALL ON TOP OF HIM AS THEY'RE GETTING CRUSHED TOGETHER BY THE SHIELDWALL AND HE CLIMBS UP FROM THE MUD AND CORPSES AND OTHER MEN TO GASP FOR AIR AS HE'S PACKED IN WITH MEN DEAD ON THEIR FEET AND BEING SUFFOCATED TO DEATH FROM THE CRUSH



and Ramsay looks out satisfied as he sees Wun Wun taking too many arrows and starting to stumble and Jon looks over to see Tormund getting headbutted in the face over and over again as super sad violin music plays and looks at Davos who's being crushed too and they watch trapped and helpless as Tormund starts to pass out against this larger man who cant even get his arms up to fight him and is just ramming his head with his skull over and over again about to slip under and be crushed to death but TORMUND BITES THE SECOND IN COMMAND MANS CAROTID ARTERY WITH HIS TEETH!!! AND THE MAN STRUGGLES BACKWARDS WITH ALL HIS MIGHT AS HIS BLOOD ARCS INTO THE AIR GIVING TORMUND ENOUGH ROOM TO DRAW HIS KNIFE AND STAB HIM IN THE FACE



and all the time there was some weird whining sound in the distance and Ramsay looks over to see THE KNIGHTS OF THE VALE'S CAVALRY CHARGING IN!!!



AND CIA SMIRKS AT RAMSAY LIKE IF I PULL THIS COUNTER-ATTACK OFF, WILL YOU DIE?



SITTING NEXT TO SANSA WHO'S MADDOGGING RAMSAY FROM ACROSS THE BATTLEFIELD LIKE IT WOULD BE EXTREMELY PAINFUL



AND JON GAWPS IN AMAZEMENT AT HIS SALVATION LIKE YOU'RE A BIG ARMY



AS RAMSAY GLARES BACK AT HER LIKE ...FOR YOU



AND TORMUND KEEPS STABBING THE RIGHT HAND MAN SCREAMING IN HIS DYING DESTROYED FACE AS THE VALE CAVALRY RAMS INTO THE BACK OF THE SHIELDWALL AND WUN WUN GRABS A SHIELD AND STARTS SLAPPING THE BOLTONS AWAY WITH IT AND SANSA SMILES



AS THE HORSES MOW THROUGH THE SHIELDMEN WITH NO CAVALRY LEFT ON THEIR SIDE TO DEFEND THEM AND WUN WUN STAGGERS TO STAY ON HIS FEET SHOVING BOLTONS INTO THE VALE'S HORSES AS JON STAGGERS TO SUMMIT THE MOUNTAIN OF BODIES



and sees Ramsay sitting on his horse with only two men guarding him and Tormund and Wun Wun come up on either side of him and Ramsay locks eyes with Jon and realizes he's fucked and rides off as Sansa watches her brother and his two best fighters chasing after her rapist



and Ramsay's man screams "open the gate!" as they run into Winterfell and Ramsay tells him "their army's gone" but his man says "our army's gone!" as archers run up to the walls to defend the castle and Ramsay stops in his tracks in annoyance and tells him to his face "we have Winterfell, they don't have the men for a siege, all we have to do is wait" but then... there's a massive thump at the door... and an archer screams for backup and men gather around Ramsay as the thumps keep coming and the door starts to buckle and then A HUGE FIST BURSTS THROUGH AND THE ARCHERS FIRE AT WUN WUN WHO JUST KEEPS SMASHING THE DOOR and Ramsay realizes he's double fucked and walks off as Wun Wun gets an arm through and a soldier throws a spear into his hand but he tears it back and WUN WUN JUST BARGES STRAIGHT THROUGH THE DOOR INTO WINTERFELL... BUT FALLS TO HIS KNEES AS HE'S FULL OF LIKE 40 ARROWS AND HE SCREAAAAAAMS AS HIS WILDLINGS FLOOD IN AND START RETURNING FIRE ON THE ARCHERS KILLING THEM WITH THEIR OWN ARROWS



and Jon runs in and looks up at Wun Wun and Tormund looks up to see his men throwing guards off the walls and Jon can tell Wun Wun is hurt bad and reaches out to thank him but RAMSAY PUTS AN ARROW THROUGH WUN WUN'S EYE, KILLING HIM



and memes "you suggested one-on-one combat didn't you?" and all the Wildlings and Northmen take aim at Ramsay with their bows as he memes "I've reconsidered, I think that sounds like a wonderful idea" AND GRABS ANOTHER ARROW AND FIRES STRAIGHT AT JON



BUT JON RUSHES FOR A SHIELD TO BLOCK IT... AND MARCHES FORWARD TO BLOCK A SECOND... and everyone puts their bows down realizing Jon's got this and Ramsay aims another and Jon leaves it to the last second to block it so he'll waste his ammo and making sure he doesn't just shoot him in the knee like people need to do to Captain America and Ramsay fiddles to nock a fourth



JON SLAPS RAMSAYS BOW OUT OF HIS HANDS WITH THE SHIELD AND SMASHES HIM IN THE THROAT WITH IT



AND MOUNTS HIM ON THE GROUND AND STARTS BEATING THE ABSOLUTE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF HIS HEAD BUT RAMSAY JUST SMILES AS BLOOD POURS OUT OF HIS MOUTH



AND JON GOES ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HAM DESTROYING RAMSAYS FACE



but he sees his sister... and stops... and stands up... and the Bolton banner is cut down from Winterfell... and finally the Stark's wolf banner is put back up... and the Red Lady smiles as at least some of her vision came true and Davos looks out at her wondering what to do with her as they watch all of Jon's men come in and set up shop and some of them bring him the body of Rickon and he tells them he'll be buried in the crypt next to their father and Sasna asks Jon "where is he?" and we cut to Ramsay waking up... tied to a chair... with his ruined face still leaking blood... and he gasps "ah... Sansa... hello Sansa" but she doesn't rely and just stares at him as he looks around finding himself in a cell in a deathly silent and dark dungeon and he asks "is this where I'll be staying now?" to no response making him realize "no, our time together is about to come to an end... that's all right... you can't kill me... I'm part of you now..."



bringing up le theme of identity but Sansa gives him le theme back telling him "your words will disappear... your house will disappear... your name will disappear... all memory of you will disappear" and Ramsay looks over to see... his dogs that haven't been fed in a week... and he looks to his other side to see... another one of his dogs being let in... and Ramsay claims "my hounds will never harm me" but Sansa reminds him "you haven't fed them in seven days, you said it yourself" WAIT DIDN'T SHE RIDE AWAY BEFORE HE SAID THAT LMAOOOO? PLOOOOT HOOOOOOOOLE



but just a wee bit of pottery where of all the things Ramsay treats badly to backfire on him it's his fucking dogs, the only creatures in his life he actually tried to treat well, and he swallows some blood and assures her "they're loyal beasts" but Sansa figures "they were... now they're starving" and Ramsay looks coldly at her but then looks over as even more of his dogs come in and he looks one of his massive Italian Mastiff's in the eye as it that leans in and stiffs his face as they're eye-level and he orders "sit" but... the dog starts licking the blood off of his face... and Ramsay snaps "down!" and Sansa watches as he tries and fails to order it "down! down! down!" feeling fear for the first time in his life but the dog can't withstand it's hunger



THE DOG BITES RAMSAYS ENTIRE LOWER JAW AND STARTS TEARING HIS FACE OFF AS HE SCREAMS IN AGONY SHIT I GUESS THE ALT-RIGHT WERE RIGHT ABOUT OWNING DANGEROUS DOGS



AND THE REST OF THE DOGS RUN UP TO SHREAD HIS BODY AND SANSA GOES TO LEAVE BUT STAYS TO WATCH JUST A LITTLE MORE AS RAMSAYS FLESH IS TORN FROM HIS BODY AND HE GRUNTS AND SHRIEKS AS HE'S EATEN ALIVE



AND WHEN HE GOES SILENT SANSA JUST WALKS OFF AS THE DOGS BARK AND FIGHT AMONGST EACH OTHER OVER THEIR MASTERS BODY PARTS AND SHE GIVES A SATISFIED SMILE EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 126



ooof alright on Ramsay's death, that was quite pottery and well done but I feel like maybe more could be done with it like *takes dick out* Sansa tries to turn HIM into Reek as she gets more and more fucked up and vengeful and everyone around her is like uhhhhh getting more and more uncomfortable with her or something like that it almost seems like such a relatively quick punishment isn't suitable in this universe for such an extremely over the top evil person but there you go and it wasn't very satisfying how they beat him either since he gets deus CIA machina'd (even though CIA is a power hungry selfish sociopath who would probably have just sided with Ramsay and given Sansa back lmao to cause conflict between him and King's Landing so he can weaken his two main rivals for most powerful group in Westeros but ok duuuuuuuuuuuude) and then Jon just whacks him with a shield because he decided to stand out in the open shooting arrows at him rather than like you know escape or not lock himself behind a wooden door a giant giant could punch through, perhaps a better way to beat him that has, you know, some fucking thematic weight in any way, would be like Jon beats Ramsay at his own mindgames like he already knows for a fact Rickon is dead so just shuts himself down emotionally like Ramsay usually is and lets him kill him without budging, or even has an archer kill him himself so he doesn't suffer, but then like brings out some other character with a claim to Roose's legacy or revealing Sansa had a son by him or even better yet Theon and to show he's just as ruthless and manipulative as Ramsay bargains to give him back or threatens to kill him and Ramsay is actually emotionally compromised by that as throughout the season you could show he was obsessed with getting his Reek back rather than literally never mention the most important character in his story he's had every scene with for 3 years straight which is what happened in the show and he makes himself vulnerable to manipulation letting Jon just like offer a parlay to give Reek back but then just have him shot in the back and then the Bolton army all lose their bottle and half just flee like Davos said they would without their leader and dude keeping them through fear loyal that never actually came into play at all in the show lmao leaving Jon to be able to fight and win an equal battle against the remaining forces which would show some... you know... character development on Jon's behalf since he is literally meant to be the Jesus Christ figure of the story by now from everything he's been through and retaining his morals and literally coming back to life but is still an utter utter IQlet brainlet fucking moron who gets easily manipulated into running to his death like everyone told him would happen over and over again but Ramsay was barely in this season since uh the conflict between him and Jon was very underwritten since as Sansa pointed out they only met once and their conflict was literally just Sansa telling Jon to go fight him and him failing to get many men while Ramsay sits on his ass not doing anything other than stabbing one homeless woman and having Rickon handed to him for free, Ramsay was really entertaining when he was just a sort of wildcard character doing insane things like Reeking Theon but he got gradually more and more Gary Stu'd to make him le super cool badass evil villain that can effortlessly win any conflict and just gets power handed to him for free like CIA marrying him Sansa seemingly as a meme, killing his dad to flawlessly take over his House, being literally given Rickon as a gift until he can't really function as a main antagonist because you know he'll just keep dabbing on everyone until some equally contrived force defeats him, it should have really been Roose who stayed in command until the very end and Ramsay was the psychopathic wildcard who'd be the one sent out to scare the other houses from following Jon or maybe even betraying his father to Jon butthurt he has a new son and thinks it's funny to force the man who's sister he raped to work with him to win his battle uhhh and the battle itself from an aesthetic point of view that one-shot sequence of Jon amongst the carnage was fucking hype as shit but from a logical point of view obviously Jon has insane plot armor on to survive two cavalries clashing right in front of him, Wun Wun didn't do anything other than kill two guys when he's basically like an adult fighting toddlers with sticks he could just charge into them and kill dozens at a time and make a huge opening for the Wildlings to flood through, the shield-wall trapping enemies I don't think was ever a real military tactic and formations like that were done for defensive reasons and not literally to surround and crush people especially when the men were spread so thin with only 4 guys thick not being able to take the wildlings probably just try to rush them by the hundreds at the gaps of the pile of corpses which also probably would not form that high as people would just move away from where people were dying and instead of trying to compress his enemies Ramsay could have just killed them all with more arrow volleys and I did fucking call it that some other army would swoop in and save them I was just expecting it to be the Tully army since Jaime did agree to let Brie have them and might have given them even if she failed to end the siege peacefully since that's what ended up happening anyway well this shit works in fantasy things in LOTR but I am pretty sure in real life you can't... you know... secretly move entire fucking armies a thousand miles with no one knowing, army's move slowly since they have to resupply so much and so often and the Bolton's would obviously have scouts all over their territory and would have someone riding back fast as fuck boi or sending a crow to warn them like days before this battle but it seems like Sansa went and got this army that'd take like a month to get there overnight lmao since we are well into fantasy trope bullshit where armies just appear out of nowhere for le surprise save the day and it shows how much the show changed just from last season, which was also no where near as good as the first four and full of meandering stupid plot lines like fucking Arya sweeping floors for a year and Jaime's sexy snake adventure but at least had some logical coherency where Stannis gets fucked in the head from letting his own daughter be killed and insists on fighting an obviously losing battle against the Bolton's in Winterfell and gets fucking destroyed and killed, to this season where they are out of books and what the show runners give us is Jon for some reason despite having no particular trauma other than perhaps literal braindamage from being literally dead insists on fighting an obviously losing battle against the Bolton's in Winterfell and... gets saved by le ebinnnnn deus ex machina despite being even fucking stupider than Stannis and running alone into an enemy cavalry charge lmao, so much for muh realistic consequences you know what should have happened? RAMSAY SHOULD HAVE FUCKING WON but the fucking brainlet normies who are the entire fanbase now need to have the mean man punished like in every other dumb tv show out there, oh well rip my husbundu from the very very very close by alternate reality where I am gay shame he never had any further interaction with Theon but that would involve some engaging writing so rip



Game of Thrones 6x10: "The Winds of Winter"
ye olde 9/11 special edition
First aired: June 26, 2016

ok we open on Cersei looking out from the Red Keep at the Sept as it rings it's bells and we see Tommen and Marg being done up all fancy by their staff and the High Sparrow putting on his ratty robe and Tommen being given a fancy necklace and Marg's hair being braided all fancy by her handmaiden and Tommen having his crown put on his head and checking himself in the mirror and then we get some sad music that I think... is that the Rains of Castimere? uh oh, and the Sept starts filling up with people as we see 7 chairs in the centre for the 7 septons to judge Loras who we see cowering in a cell and being taken out by the sparrows and we see the High Sparrow coming into the Sept with his other 6 septons and looking over at Marg standing next to her father Mace Tyrell and Kevan Lannister and the High Sparrow looks around at all his followers and takes his seat with his six fellow judges



and Marg looks around or where her brother is and we see a servant telling Tommen the trial is underway and Cersei getting ready with a handmaiden putting on a fancy broach chain around her shoulders and Tommen sits there nervously and then we see Pycelle reading a piece of paper worried and fiddling to put his chain on as a whore asks "you got more money?" and he waves her away and then doddles down the stairs and then a little boy comes and whispers a secret to him and then in the Sept the High Sparrow sees... a very grumpy looking Loras being lead own and he looks mad over at Marg for convincing him to do this but he trusts her and stands in the centre of the Sept and the High Sparrow asks him if he's ready to profess his innocence and he says "there will be no need for a trial... I confess before the Seven and freely admit to my crimes" and the High Sparrow looks satisfied and asks "to which crimes will you be confessing?" and he says "all of them" and as the crowd murmurs in titillation he says "I lay with other men, including the traitor Renly Baratheon" which gets a big shocked gasp and fucking idiot Mace is even shocked by that and he adds "I perjured myself before the gods, I am guilty of depravity, dishonesty, profligacy and arrogance, I see that now" don't even know what the second last one is and he keeps cucking himself "I humble myself before the Seven and accept whatever punishment the gods deem just" ooooh you gonna get it alright and the High Sparrow tells everyone "the Gods' judgement is fierce but also fair" and goes on a dumb speech about the different gods and Loras gets the hint and kneels down and begs to be a servant of the Seven now he's unburdened him of his sins, which got me worried they were going to castrate him or something but I guess not, and Marg tries to hide her disgust at what they're doing to her brother just for being gay and he promises to abandon the Tyrell name and everything that goes with it and his father looks on shocked and appalled as his only son swears never to take inheritance or father children and the High Sparrow raises the crying mans face and asks if he'll fight for the Gods and he swears "I will" and there's some interesting imagery of the High Sparrow putting his hand on Loras head as he kneels before him as if he's about to suck his dick and then he motions for two sparrows to come and hold his arms while A SPARROW CARVES A HEPTAGRAM INTO LORAS FORHEAD FOR BEING GAY EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 127



and Mace actually has some fucking balls for once in his life and can't accept them disfiguring his son and rushes forward yelling "they cant do that!" but Kevan and Marg hold him back and she tells him "faith is the way Father" and he realizes it's hopeless and stands there cringing not wanting to look I like the Tyrell family since they could be some easy villains to rival the Lannisters in terms of shittery but they literally have not done anything wrong and the only person they've ever hurt is poisoning Joffrey and uh fuck him rofl and the High Sparrow watches a bit sad as he understands Loras must be in a lot of pain as he endures his scarification



and then the sad music starts up again as Cersei keeps getting dressed and Tommen stands up saying to himself "all right I'm ready" but when he turns around THE MOUNTAIN IS BLOCKING HIS WAY and he tells him "I have to go I'm late for the trial" but The Mountain puts his hands on his shoulder to stop him



and in the Sept Marg can't take anymore and says to the High Sparrow "you mutilated him... you gave me your word" and he says bluntly back "and I have kept my word once the Queen Mother's trial is concluded Brother Loras is free to leave" and Marg asks "and where is the Queen Mother?" and fucking Lancel who now looks even more identical to Loras goddamn it comes up and tells his master "her litter never left the Red Keep" wtf is a litter? the cuckcage things? and the High Sparrow pretends to find it funny that "it appears the Queen Mother doesn't wish to attend her own trial" and we see Cersei just pouring herself a jug of wine in her fancy futuristic dress and the High Sparrow orders Lancel "go to the Red Keep and show her the way" and he nods ok even though you'd think he'd worry about the not so little problem he ran into last time and request more men or something and the High Sparrow smiles to Marg who just looks sad that she's lost her brother one way or another, and Lancel leaves the Sept and sees a little boy running away suspiciously and he tells his boys to "get the others" as he looks down to where the kiddy ran off to and speaking of kids one of them is leading Pycelle into a dungeon that Lancel goes into the other entrance of and sees a little boy running away with a torch into the darkness and Pycelle turns around to see... Qyburn smirking at him and he asks "where's the king?" oh actually it seems Pycelle is in his office and he got the kid to tell him Tommen wanted to meet him and Qyburn smiles and says "elsewhere I'm afraid" and Pycell demands "what's the meaning of this? I was told that-" but then he gets the meaning of this and goes "ah, I have more important things to do with my time than waste them in the presence-" and goes to try to leave but Qyburn tells him "please Grand Maester I bear you no ill will...... please forgive me if you can" and looks behind him and Pycelle turns around to see... the little boy who led him down with a knife... and Loras chases his shota down the catacombs as Pycelle sees the laboratory fill up with street children with knives and Qyburn claims "this pains me my lord, whatever your faults you do not deserve to die alone in such a cold dark place, but sometimes before we can usher in the new... the old must be put to rest" and Pycelle sees another kid with a knife come out and Loras runs further into the bowels of the city until he finds a crawlspace to enter and PYCELLE SLAPS ONE OF THE KIDS BUT ALL THE OTHERS RUSH HIM AND DOGPILE HIM AND STABS THE FUCK OUTTA HIM



BRUTALLY MURDERING HIM AS QYBURN JUST STANDS THERE WATCHING HAVING TURNED THE STREET CHILDREN INTO KILLERS EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 128



and under the city Loras... wait, FUCK I KEEP DOING IT FUCKING LANCEL FUCK THESE TWO FUCKERS AAAAAAA Lancel finds the thrown away torch of the little kid and picks it up and he calls out "the longer you wait the worse it'll be for you" but hen he sees... something odd... barrels of something lining every wall... like from Bran's vision and suddenly THE LITTLE KID STABS LANCEL AND RUNS OFF and some dramatic as fuck organ music starts up as the boy comes back and looks at Lancel twitching on the ground like a bitch, I guess he hit his spine or something. and he snarls "what are you doing?" but the boy just looks his body over and runs off and then in the Sept Marg is looking sadly at her brother who's face has his blood running all over it and Lancel looks at a barrel and sees... something green coming from it... and he looks down the catacomb and sees something illuminated in the distance... and he crawls towards it... and Cersei watches the Sept from the Red Keep as Lancel sees more and more glowing green stains on the barrels as he pulls himself along and Marg notices that Cersei aint arriving and sees her father and Kevan have noticed it too and she goes to tell the High Sparrow "there's something wrong" and he assures her "you have nothing to fear Your Grace the trial will begin shortly" but she explains getting scared "Cersei is not here, Tommen is not here, why do you think they are not here?" but High Sparrow aint getting it and tells her "if the accused is not here she will be tried regardless we cannot have her escape the justice of the Gods" but Marg drops the bullshit and snaps "forget about the bloody Gods and listen to what I'm telling you! Cersei understands the consequences of her absence and she is absent anyway which means she does not intend to sufer those consequences, the trial can wait, we all need to leave" and the High Sparrow gasps and shakes his head in disbelief as Lancel finds... a candle burning down almost all the way in a puddle of... some green liquid... and he realizes this aint right as he sees two more candles burning down and looks all around at the barrels full of green shit and starts crawling towards it



and Marg yells to everyone "we all need to leave now!" and the corwd starts to whisper and panic and she goes to pull Loras face to hers and tells him "stay with me" and escorts him out and the crowd all gets anxious and starts to want to leave to but the sparrows stop them and Marg demands "let me through, let me through, get out of my way!" as Kevan and Mace start to get scared as the crowd josstles them and the High Sparrow looks around confused as to what everyone's so worried about and Lo, no Lancel haha I'm going to do this to the end completely not as a joke or a gimmick Lancel crawls to the leaking barrels as Marg looks frightened at her father and the High Sparrow starts to look afraid too as he realizes something really isn't right but he cant quite place it and Lancel gets to the candle and Marg and Lancel no aaa Loras make eye contact



with the High Sparrow who finally gets what's happening and looks like he's about to be fucking sick but steels himself ready for his work to be done



and before L... Lancel can blow out the candle he sees THE FLAME IGNITES THE GREEN LIQUID... AND LANCEL'S EYES GO WIDE AS BRIGHT GREEN FILLS THEM AND HE RECOGNIZES FROM THE BATTLE OF BLACKWATER BAY...



IT'S WILDFIRE!!!



AND IT DETONATES THE BARRELS AROUND HIM INSTANTLY DESTROYING HIS BODY



CAUSESING A CHAIN REACTION TRIGGERING ALL THE BARRELS OF WILDFIRE UNDER THE CATACOMBS FILLING THEM WITH BLASTING BRIGHT GREEN FLAMES THAT MAKE A HOWLING SOUND LIKE SCREAMING MEN



AND THE HIGH SPARROW GASPS AS HE HEARS THE BOOM BOOM BOOM UNDER HIM



AND THE CROWD SHRIEKS IN TERROR AS THE GROUND ERUPTS IN GREEN HELLFIRE



INSTANTLY EVAPORATING THE FLESH OFF OF THE HIGH SPARROWS SKELETON

GET FUCKED YOU CHRISTCUCK FAGGOT *TIPS FEDORA*



SHREDDING THE GRAND HALL TAKING MARGAERY, LORAS, MACE AND KEVAN WITH IT



BURSTING THE ENTIRE GREAT SEPT OPEN IN A MASSIVE GREEN EXPLOSION THAT ENGULFS RANDOM PEOPLE ON THE STREET



AND SHOOTS MASSIVE CHUNKS OF STONE INTO THE SURROUNDING BUILDINGS ANNIHILATING THE ENTIRE AREA



SENDING THE SEPTS BELL BOUNCING INTO A STREET CRUSHING A RANDOM WOMAN



AS MORE BRIGHT GREEN FLAMES VENT THROUGH THE ALLEYWAYS IMPLODING THE ENTIRE BLOCK INTO A CRATOR



AS CERSEI LOOKS ON FROM THE RED KEEP WEARING HER FASHY AS FUCK OUTFIT WITH A SATISFIED SMILE AS SHE HEARS THE PEOPLE OF KING'S LANDING HOWL IN HORROR AS THEIR CITY IS ENGULFED IN SMOKE



AND SHE JUST CASUALLY SIPS HER WINE AS THE RUMBLE OF COLLAPSING BUILDINGS ECHOS THROUGHOUT THE AREA AND SHE WALKS OF AS A MUSHROOM CLOUD OF GREY DUST FLOATS INTO THE AIR EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 129



HOLY SHIT!!!!! CERSEI JUST DID YE OLDE 9/11!!!



IT WAS CONTROLLED DEMOLITION CHARGES UNDER THE SEPT!!! IT WAS AN INSIDE JOB BY THE STATE!!! WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!



and Tommen looks out the window in shock but when The Mountain leaves he realizes... it was his mother... his own mother just murdered his fucking wife, his brother in law, his father in law, his great uncle, his cousin once removed, his spiritual mentor and hundreds of innocent people all for him...



and then we see Septa Unella being woken up by having wine poured on her face and she wakes up with a start to find herself strapped to a table and Cersei says "confess" oh nonononono "confess... confess" and Unella begs "no" as Cersei water boards her by pouring more wine over her face and Cersei starts tracing her hands up and down Unella's body giving a speech "confess: it felt good, beating me, starving me, frightening me, humiliating me, you didn't do it because you cared about my atonement, you did it because it felt good



I understand! I do things because they feel good... I drink because it feels good...I killed my husband because it felt good to be rid of him... I fuck my brother because it feels good to feel him inside me... I lie about fucking my brother... because it feels good to keep our son safe from hateful hypocrites... I killed your High Sparrow... and all his little sparrows... all his septons, all his septas, all his filthy soldiers, because it felt good to watch them burn! it felt good to imagine their shock and their pain! no thought has ever given me greater joy!"



and she cant stop herself from showing an almost orgasmic reaction as she holds Unella's terrified hand and she giggles and says "even confessing feels good under the right circumstances" as she starts holding Unella's face and notes "you've always been quiet...... I said my face would be the last thing you see before you died, do you remember?" and Unella says "good... I'm glad to see your face... I'm ready to meet the gods" and Cersei instantly asks "what?! now? today?" and Unella looks confused as Cersei tells her "you're not going to die today... you're not going to die for quite a while" with a malicious sing song and smirk to her as if Ramsay's edgy baton has been passed to a new edgemaster supreme



and Unella gets shook as Cersei orders "Ser Gregor" and Unella looks up to see The Mountain thumping up and Cersei explains "this is Ser Gregor Clegane, he's quiet too!" and Unella looks up to see Gregor... take off his helmet... as he stands in the shadows... with bits of his ear clearly rotten off... and Cersei taunts her "your gods have forsaken you, this is your god now" as THE MOUNTAIN STEPS INTO THE LIGHT SHOWING HIS NECROTIC DEAD ROTTING FACE



and he puts his helmet down and Unella begs "no!" and starts to struggle against her bonds as she begs "no! hhaannnnaaah" as Cersei just calls out "shame!... shame!... shame!... shame!" and closes the dungeon door on her as THE MOUNTAIN PRESUMABLY RAPES HER AS SHE SHRIEKS IN TERROR EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 130 but it's not confirmed that's what happens so I won't give him a credit for that rape since I don't know if Gregor can even get it up anymore as he seems to be a walking corpse but according to Qyburn he still understands whats going on so could probably follow Cersei's orders to torture the fuck outta her like he used to do, hopefully we get to see Unella getting tortured for all of season 7 for max edge



then we cut to Tommen who's servant is telling him "I'm very sorry Your Grace... very sorry" but Tommen doesn't reply so the secret just leaves the like 15 year old boy King staring out his window at the massive plume of smoke emanating from the cite of his worlds first fucking terrorist attack that just took everything from him other than his evil mother who's going to control him for his entire life and Tommen takes the crown off his head as he hears his citizens still screaming in sorrow and goes and puts it down off-screen (which is a nice touch of realism since you might think lol why do that if you're aboit to top yourself but in real life people in fact very frequently don't snap out of ordinary habits like putting items where they belong or cleaning up after themselves as they're about to end it all probably because it's just automatic and they're too busy thinking about a certain other thing) and walks back to the window and TOMMEN JUMPS OUT THE WINDOW, KILLING HIMSELF!!! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 131



I TRIED SO HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!!! AND GOT SO FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!! BUT IN THE END IT DOESN'T EVEN MAAAATTEEEER!!! I HAD TO FALL!!! TO LOSE IT ALL!!! BUT IN THE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND IT DOESN'T EVEN MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- AAAAAAAAAA- AAAAAAAAAAAAAATEEEEEEEEEE- EEEEEEEER!!!



I actually do like this after all Cersei did for her one remaining son, damning herself forever, and now it's all for nothing because her son was literally the only soft natured person in all of King's Landing and couldn't cope with hundreds of his own citizens being murdered in his name and being left with no one but his horrible mother, quite the pottery, obviously this whole bombing meme is fucking retarded and you'd think Jamie or someone would tell anyone what the Mad King was planning or that he could set it up without anyone else knowing or no one would find all these barrels in all these years or Cersei could set it up without being caught but whatever we're well into meme territory now after the extremely contrived and lazy Battle of the Bastards might as well get some good waifus out of this as for the casualties uhhhh Kevan was a complete non-character, Lorano Ioh gjhg oh my god even in death Lancel was always a meme side character but it's cool they gave him that moment where even though he was crippled he was still fighting to save his city so he actually died a hero, Mace was a meme but at least got one good moment where he at least spoke up for his son in one moment of weakness/bravery, Pycelle I feel they could have done more with like him getting caught faking being so old or something, Loras was pretty good for a gay character on TV who are usually extremely stereotypical but he had some good material with Renly and the pimp guy, Marg was a very good character I wasn't your typical oh I will le seduuuuce you character I thought she was going to be and actually had real worries and real fears and only manipulated people for the sake of her family and because that's how her grandmother raised her to make the best out of the weird shitty situation of being a Lady (also I just learned that she isn't actually always smirking it's that the actress actually has congenital paralysis of her facial nerves lmao so all this time I've been thinking she might have a smug darker side it's just that Natalie Dorner literally cannot move half of her face very much because she's disabled uhhhh sorry, reminds me of how Audrey Plaza claimed on a talk show that she had a stroke and that's why she can't animate her face very much but I think that might have been a bit) and the High Sparrow was a cool character to add to the mix as the one honest person in the city although the whole religion angle was very underwritten and poorly integrated like you'd think there'd be some ideas of religious conflict that we almost got with The Hound storyline and it would have been nice to give him some more material than just talking to the same three characters over the course of 2 seasons like maybe get him involved in the conflict with Dorne or the Bolton's to see how he'd handle that but all these storylines are either completely MIA or quarantined from each other oh well rip

and very ironically we hear "for the Lannisters! hear me roar!" being screamed at... the Twin Towers, as Walder Frey is hosting a party for the Lannister army to celebrate getting him Riverrun back from the Tully's again and he cheers "for House Frey! may we stand together through the centuries good friends to the last! and when we drive our swords through our enemies hearts may we speak the words of our alliance "the Frey's and the Lannisters send their regards!"" and everyone cheers remembering the Red Wedding and then we see Bronn bring poured a drink by a sexy barmaid who ogles Jaime and Bronn whines "you don't even have to do anything do ya? you just sit there, a rich slab of beef, and all the birds come pecking" and Jaime looks around not even noticing she was looking at him since he's secretly an incestcel who's never bothered to learn anything about women other than his own sister lmao and Bronn moans about how "she doesn't want me she wants your golden fingers up her twat" and he tries to tell him two giggling girls are eyeing him but he whines "they have their eyes on you cunt!" and Jaime quips "they're not my type" and Bronn instantly calls him out "not blonde enough?" and Jaime looks him straight in the eye as if to say watch it mate but then calls over "ladies! have you met Ser Bronn of the Blackwater! hero of the Battle of Blackwater Bay?" oh I guess it is public knowledge Bronn fired that arrow, although wildfire is about to become a lot less publicly acceptable down South rofl, and Bronn gets offended at taking his pity pussy and claims "what if I'm not in the mood?" but then looks at the girls and decides "fuck it!" and goes off with them as Jaime sits there insecure about how everyone knows about him and Cersei but Walder Frey comes up and they chat about how Tywin would be pleased about all this and he tells him "Edmure's back in the cell, can't go killing my son by law it wouldn't be right... give the family a bad name!" as he sips his wine and mocks the Blackfish for dying to footsoldiers and Jaime takes offence at him mocking a man who gave up everything to protect his son and a man who died fighting to the last second and asks "have you done much fighting yourself Lord Frey?" and he grumbles "I'm a bit old or all that" and Jaime clarifies "no back in the day?" and Frey pants out "the purpose of fighting is to defeat your enemies right? I've defeated mine!" and Jaime drolls "ah yes, you're a great conqueror" and Frey snaps "go on mock me boy, you think I mind?! the Tullys mocked me for years, The Starks mocked me, where are they now? you talk about fighting as if you're an expert but the one battle I remember you fighting you were captured by Robb Stark the Young Wolf... but it doesn't matter, here we are now, two Kingslayers! we know what it's like to have them grovel to our faces and snigger behind our backs but we don't mind do we? fear is a marvellous thing" and Jaime just tells him "they don't fear the Freys though, they fear the Lannisters" and spells out how much they need him and storms off in a huff and Frey looks around like wtf is his fucking problem



and then with Qyburn and Cersei... over Tommen's dead body... she murmurs "show me" and he tries to avoid it but she insists and unveils her sons destroyed corpse and Cersei stares at it forcing the last bits of her humanity to wither and die and he asks "what are your thoughts concerning the king's funeral? as the Sept of Baelor is no longer an option perhaps a ceremony in the throne room?" and Cersei manages to say "he should be with his grandfather, his brother, his sister" as she lists everyone else that's been taken from her by murder and now Tommen is technically the latest killer to that list and Qyburn looks confused since they were buried in the Sept but she explains "burn him... and bury his ashes where the Sept once stood"



then in the countryside we see Sam and Gilly and lil Sam hitching a ride on a cart finally getting to Oldtown and looking at the Citadel that has a flaming beacon on top of it to represent knowledge I guess and has loads of birds I guess being trained to deliver messages flocking around it and all three of them look up in amazement, I assume this was inspired by the Lighthouse of Alexandria since GRRM doesn't actually invent anything and just copy and pastes from very basic European history that dumb Americans have never haerd of



and inside the Citadel Sam arrives to find a maester in white robes so I guess still in training using ye olde glasses to read a book and tries to sign himself up with a letter from Jon and the man just sits there waiting for Sam to bend all the way over his desk to give it to him very awkwardly and he opens up a big book and looks something up very slowly and tells him Mormont is the commander but Sam explains Aemon passed away and that's why he's there and the trainee maester is like "uh this is irregular" and Sam gives a big smile and says "yes well I suppose life is irregular" so he just says "the archmaester will discuss this irregularity with you" and lets him use the library but snaps "no women or children!" and Sam looks sorry as he leaves Gilly there to waddle excited through the biggest library in the world touching all the books and when he gets to the centre of the building he finds THE ENTIRE CITIDEL IS ONE BIG LIBRARY and he looks up super happy like he's that much of a dork



then in Winterfell we see a dove flying there as Jon stands at the shitty little basic throne there thinking of all the memories in that room as he talks to the Red Lady about his family feasts taking place there and how he'd have to sit all the way at the other end of the room and she reminds him he's luckier than most who don't get feasts or maybe even a family and then Davos comes up and just straight up tosses the burnt toy stag at her and demands "tell him, tell him who it belonged to" and the Red Lady looks shook and admits "the Princess Shireen" and Davos snaps "tell him what you did to her... TELL HIM!!!" and she admits "we burned her at the stake" and Jon looks like hes about to vomit as Davos tries to control himself from crying and the Red Lady fiddles anxiously with the toy and then starts ranting "the army was trapped! the horses were dying! it was the only way!" and Davos yells "you burned a little girl alive!" and the Red Lady yells back "I only do what my Lord commands!" as if she wants to believe it herself more than make them believe it and Davos screams "IF HE COMMANDS YOU TO BURN CHILDREN, YOUR LORD IS EVIL!" THEIST BRAINLET STATUS: BLOWN THE FUCK OUT BY BASED ATHEISM



and the Red Lady cant believe he'd blaspheme against her only reason to keep going after like 100 years and tells him "we are standing here because of him, Jon Snow is alive because the Lord willed it" but Davos starts crying "I loved that girl! like she was my own! she was good! she was kind! AND YOU KILLED HER!" and the Red Lady reveals "so did her father, so did her mother, her own blood knew it was the only way!" and Davos has his heart broken as his love for Stannis dies and he cries "the only way for what? they all died anyway! you told everyone Stannis was the one you had him believing it all of them fooled and you lied" but she snaps "I didn't lie! I was wrong" and Davos is like "aye you were wrong, how many died because you were wrong?" and there's an extremely awkward silence until Davos goes "I ask your leave to execute this woman for murder, she admits to the crime!" and the Red Lady looks serious at Jon like he needs her and Jon asks "do you have anything to say for yourself?" and she says "I've been ready to die for many years... if the Lord was one with me so be it but he's not you've seen the Night King, Jon snow, you know the great war is yet to come, you know the army of the dead will be upon us soon and you know I can help you win that war" and Jon looks sad as he knows she's probably right and walks up to her and tells her "ride south today, if you return to the North I'll have you hanged as a murderer" and Davos bites his tongue as he respects Jon and the Red Lady puts the toy down and walks out but Davos stops her and tells her "if you ever come back this way I will execute you myself" trying to control his rage and the Red Lady just looks at him blankly like she's heard it aaaaaaaall before and then rides off into the snow as Jon watches her go (ok that was a very American TV thing to happen, last episode someone discovers someone's secret and then doesn't do anything about it just for cheap tension and when they finally confront them there's no actual consequences and just a falling out, I get it's in-character for a smart and honerable man like Davos to leave it until after the battle but there was really no reason to have him discover it before the battle than free cliffhanger material)



and then Sansa walks out beside him and he tells her she's getting their parents room but she offers it to him and he says "I'm not a Stark" but she assures him "you are to me" but he tells her "you're the Lady of Winterfell, we only won because of you" and they discuss what to do with CIA and Sansa tells him "only a fool would trust Littlefinger" and apologizes for keeping it all secret (for forced TV show tension) and Jon tells her they need to work together against all their enemies and kisses his half-sister on the forehead and Sansa tells him that a white raven came from the Citadel, which I guess is what Sam saw being let out, which means "Winter is Here™" and they both laugh and look up at the snow and Jon quips "well father always promised didn't he?" ah finally the reddit memes are paying off



then in Dorne we see Lady Tyrell meeting with Elly to discuss their mutual enemy as Cersei just killed her entire fucking family lmao and she teases Elly and three Sand Snakes "the last time a Tyrell came to Dorne he was assassinated, 100 red scorpions was it?" edgyyyyy and Elly assures her she has nothing to fear but she points out "you murder your own prince but you expect me to trust you?" yeah really makes ya think and Obara explains they need each other and Lady Tyrell just quips "what was your name again? Barbaro?" lmaoooooooooooo and the asian one tries to stifle a laugh as Tyrell says "you look like an angry little boy, don't presume to tell me what I need"



and the asian one gives a huge grin like she loves this old woman already and tries to charm her by saying "please forgive my sister what she lacks in diplomacy she makes u-" but Lady Tyrell cuts her off saying "do shut up dear, anything from you?" and the third who I think is a new actress or at least new character and not le bad poooosaaaay girl opens her mouth and Lady Tyrell instantly says "no? good! let the grown women speak" and Elly explains they need to team-up to survive the Lannisters who are down to just the twins and Lady Tyrell starts almost crying "Cersei stole the future from me, she killed my son, she killed my grandson, she killed my granddaughter, survival is not what I'm after"



and Elly says "you're absolutely right, I chose the wrong words, it's not survival I offer, it is your heart's desire" and rings a dinner bell and Lady Tyrell asks "and what is my heart's desire?" and Elly says "vengeance, justice" and Lady Tyrell looks up to see VARYS WALKING OUT WHO OFFERS "FIRE AND BLOOD" aaaaaaaaawww shit so it's Dany + Yara + Elly + Lady Tyrell vs Cersei and Jon begging everyone not to kill each other and fight the Night King for season 7 is it rofl



and in Meereen Daario tells Dany "your ships are nearly ready" and he makes small talk about the Dothraki not liking sea travel but Dany tells him "you're not coming with us" OH THANK GOD GET THIS FUCKING SHIT NEW ACTOR AND SHIT WHITE KNIGHT CHARACTER THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SHOW and he asks if she wants the Second Sons attacking from the south or something but she tells him "you're not going to Westeros, you're staying here with the Second Sons, there is finally peace in Meereen, you will keep the peace while the people choose their own leaders" as she smiles with that demented look like she's 100% convinced she's got the right idea an Daario snaps "fuck Meereen! fuck the people! I'm here for you not them" but she reminds him he swore to obey and he looks super shook he aint gettin that pussy anymore as she explains she'll need to marry a new man in Westeros and can't be having a lover but he points out "a king wouldn't think twice about it!" and she teases "that's what you want to be, my mistress?" m-maybe the other way around and Daario insists he doesn't care what perfumed aristocrat she marries "I want you... I love you... and I make you happy... you know I do, bring me with you, let me fight for you" and looks deep into her eyes and she looks back and looks sad telling him "I cant" touching his face one last time yes yes yesyesyeysyse you shit character go away and Daario worries "the dwarf told you to do this" and then starts whining about how he'll never find another woman like her but she assures him he'll have a great number of women and then tells him he'll have specific orders for Meereen and the renamed Bay of Dragons as they cant call it Slaver's Bay anymore and he assures her she'll get the throne and hopes it makes her happy and drinks some wine and tells her "I pity the Lord of Westeros, they have no idea what's coming for them" and she bids him farewell and he bows and leaves before he gets any more upset wait so how the fuck is Daario, the extremely hedonistic and impulsive mercenary commander who's first impulse is to just kill shit, going to successfully lead a city of freed slaves and former masters? ah fuck it, you were only good in season 3 and only because the actor was so ridiculously over doing it you were a funny unhinged Chad character but then were just an ultra generic badboy with a heart of gold get fucked and dont come back



then in the throne room it turns out Tyrion did indeed already know and they discuss how hard that was and he compliments her hard decision making but she says thats no consolation and sits down beside him in the empty throne room as if the Unsullied are already clearing out and Tyrion tries "how about the fact that this is actually happening? you have your armies, you have your ships, you have your dragons, everything you've ever wanted since you were old enough to want anything, it's all yours for the taking, are you afraid?" and Dany gives a nod and he warns her "good, you're in the great game now, and the great game's terrifying, the only people who aren't afraid of failure are madmen like your father" and she looks at him rustled and asks "do you know what frigthens me? I said farewell to a man that loves me, a man I thought I cared for... and I felt nothing, just impatient to get on with it" GOOD HE WAS A SHIT CHARACTER and Tyrion assures her "he wont be the first to love you and he wont be the last" as if he's falling for her too and yeah here we go he starts talking about how he never believed in anything and was always a cynic about everything people told him to have faith in "but here I am, I believe in you, it's embarrassing really, I'd swear you my sword but I don't actually carry a sword" and swears her his counsel anyway as he stands on a step so they can look eye to eye and Dany takes out a broach (that she says "I tried to get it to look the same" as if it's not literally the same prop lol) and pins it on him... "Tyrion Lannister... I name you Hand of the Queen" and his eyes swell up in tears as when he was Hand that was his proudest but now he gets to do it again for a good cause



then with Walder Frey we see him sipping more wine when a sexy maid brings him more pie and he grumbles "you're not one of mine are you?" and she says "no my lord" and Frey ogles her arse saying "didn't think so... too pretty" and SLAPS HER ARSE and snaps "where are my damn moron sons? Black Walder and Lothar promised to be here by midday!" and the girl tells him innocently "they're here my lord" and he snarls "well what are they doing trimming their cunt hairs?" ebin "tell em to come here now" and the girl says "but they're already here my lord" and she swallows his wine and looks around confused and she says "heeere... my lord" and offers him the pie he's eating and he looks down confused and lifts up the crust revealing A HUMAN TOE IN HIS PIE



and the girl tells him "they weren't easy to carve, especially Black Walder" and Frey starts hyperventilating and panicking and going "wh...wh...what" and THE SERVANT GIRL TAKES HER FACE MASK OFF TO REVEAL...



*MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME MUSIC STARTS UP* "MY NAME IS ARYA STARK, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT, THE LAST THING YOU'RE EVER GOING TO SEE IS A STARK SMILING DOWN AT YOU AS YOU DIE"



AND THE TERRIFIED WALDER FREY TRIES TO RUN BUT ARYA PULLS HIM BACK IN HIS SEAT AND SLITS HIS THROAT AND HOLDS HIS HEAD BACK AS HE BLEEDS TO DEATH FLAILING AROUND IN HORROR EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 132



AND ARYA STANDS THERE SMILING AS SHE JUST MURDERED THE MAN SHE TRICKED INTO EATING HIS OWN CHILDREN





obviously we're at the point where all logical cohesion has broken down where Arya is now a master assassin after training only with a staff and capable of making her own magic masks somehow and altering her voice perfectly somehow and used her magic stealth abilities to... kill his two sons... and somehow... cook them into pies? and do this while a huge party is going on in the castle? where did she do this? and when? fucking what? but whatever, I guess this is also evoking the horror story Bran told the cripple crew about the rat man or whatever that I think went a King was rude to him so he fed him his own children so the Gods turned him into rat monster that could only eat his own children for the sin of killing a guest at his own table which is the sin that Walder Frey committed and the punishment he was given, well, he wasn't turned into a rat but he had to eat his own kids, but that's also the original sin of the rat man so maybe it implies Arya is sinful too even though the main sin was killing a dinner guest but maybe that story is where she got the idea from because Bran told it to her before

then we see CIA walking up to Sansa by that big white holy tree we saw Ned cleaning his sword under and the pond he was by is frozen over now as Winter is Here™ and he says "forgive me my lady if you're at prayer" but Sansa has taken on Davos edgy fedora ways and says "I'm done with all that" and talks to him about how as a little girl she was praying because she was ungrateful and demands to know what CIA wants and he plays all coy as there's some pretty pretty color pallet thing going on with Sansa's hair and the tree's red leafs as she listens to CIA talk a bunch of autism about how he makes all his decisions based around manifesting one mental picture which is "a picture of me on the Iron Throne... and you by my side" and Sansa looks weirded out as CIA leans in to kiss her but SANSA STOPS CIA FROM KISSING HER LMAO BACK INTO THE FRIENDZONE BETA!!! and he immediately gets to work manipulating her saying "word will spread throughout the Seven Kingdoms of this battle, I've declared for House Stark for all to hear" but she points out he'll always serve himself but he assures her it's time to look to the future and the North needs to rally behind her not Jon and she cant handle any more of his manipulations and walks off as he looks off into the woods dramatically



and we find uhhh what his name Bran's uncle doing the same thing and he tells him and Meera "this is where I leave ya" as, ah yes, Benjin is it? explains "The Wall is not just ice and stone, ancient spells were carved into it's foundations, strong magic, to protect men from what lies beyond, and while it stands the dead cannot pass... I cannot pass" woah he is a half-zombie dude, and he carries Bran over to one of the white holy trees and Meera asks "where will you go?" and he says "a great war is coming, and I still fight for the living, I'll do what I can... as long as I can" and Bran says "thank you Uncle Benjen" and he tells them "I wish you both good fortune" and rides off and Meera looks after him amazed she just met a friendly zombie and Bran looks over at the crying face on the white holy tree and then doubles over in pain and Meera helps him beside it and as he goes to touch it asks "are you sure you're ready for this?" and Bran says "I'm the Three-Eyed Raven now, I have to be ready for this" as he makes contact and... instantly wargs out and sees... Ned running up to the castle in the flashback hearing his sister screaming, looking back at Bran watching him and not seeing anyone, and Bran following his father up the stairs to find... Lyanna in bed... bleeding profusely from her belly, and Ned assures her "no I'm not a dream, I'm here, right here" and she pants "I missed you big brother" and he tries to keep it together saying "I missed you to" and she cries "I want to be brave" and he assures her "you are" and she shows him how much blood there is and says "I'm not, I don't want to die" but he protects her one last time assuring him "you're not going to die" and yells for water but she demands "listen to me Ned!" and whispers a secret in his ear saying "if Robert finds out he'll... you know he will, you have to protect him, promise me Ned... promise me"



and Ned realizes... there's a baby being handed to him... and his dying mother begs "promise me Ned promise me" and Bran watches him hold a baby with a very recognizable dopey expression (similar to the glazed look american babies get when they're circumcised which is indicative of braindamage lmao) and we cut to...



JON SNOW, REVEALING THAT HE IS ACTUALLY LYANNA'S SON and I take it not also still Ned's lmao bit too much incest even for this show and I guess the meme is his father is the Mad King so he's actually a Targ bastard if anything



and in the modern day he's sitting in Winterfell listening to all these Lords bicker amongst themselves where that dickhead Vale Lord guy is yelling they can't side with Wildling invaders but Tormund insists "we didn't invade, we were invited!" and Jon tries to assure all the squabbling men they all fought together but a Northerner stands up and says the Bolton's are gone and Winter is Here™ so they all can just go home now but Jon warns "the war is not over, and I promise you friend the true enemy won't wait out the storm, he brings the storm" and everyone mutters like wtf is going on and Jon notices CIA is the only one not worried and then the little loli Lady Mormont stands up and gives a speech "your son was butchered at the Red Wedding, Lord Manderly, but you refused the call... you swore allegiance to House Stark, Lord Clover, but in their hour of greatest need you refused the call! and you, Lord Cerwyn, your father was skinned alive by Ramsay Bolton! still! you refused the call! but House Mormont remembers, the North remembers! we know no king but the King in the North who's name is Stark! I don't care if he's a bastard Ned Stark's blood runs through his veins, he's my king until his last day!" and everyone realizes they just got dabbed on by a 10 year old girl



and Davos looks proud and everyone mutters in agreement and the Lord Manderly stands up... and agrees with her, admitting he was wrong, and praises Jon for avenging the Red Wedding and he draws his sword and announces him the White Wolf The King Of the North and another Lord admits he regrets not fighting with him and begs forgiveness and Jon lets him off with it and he announces House Glover will stand behind House Stark and draws his sword to pledge himself like everyone did to Robb and everyone draws their swords and starts chanting The King in the North! and Davos stands up and joins in and Jon stands up realizing uhhh this is awkward as he looks down at his sister who should really lead but he's got no choice now as everyone is going apeshit for him and she just smiles like of of curse it wouldn't be her and CIA glances over at her as if he's trying to tell her she can still have power



and with Jaime and Bronn returning to King's Landing they look down to see... THE SMOKING WRECKAGE OF THE SEPT and Jaime looks terrified at Bronn as they ride down



and he arrives just in time to see Cersei looking flashy fashy fash fly as fuck being walked by The Mountain and the other Kingsguard down a throne room full of Lannister soldiers keeping the crowd behind them as she approaches the throne and Jaime watches like this is so surreal as Qyburn announces "I now proclaim Cersei of the House Lannister... First of her Name, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Protector of the Seven Kingdoms" and dank violin music starts up as Qyburn puts a nice little crown on her head and she looks down sad and angry as she thinks about how almost everyone in her family had to die for this but looks up ahead like she'll use that anger to destroy anyone in her way and CERSEI SITS ON THE IRON THRONE AS THE NEW QUEEN OF THE SEVEN KINGDOMS



also note this image is the 1776th screencap very epic history synchronicity and she fires Jaime a sly look like she's so proud of herself but as soon as she sees he's... scared... her face just drops like she's got nothing left to lose and will fuck him over the nanosecond he tries anything and Qyburn calls "long may she reign!" and the crowd all yells "long may she reign!" as we pan back through the throne room alright I love Cersei and everything but... ISN'T IT FUCKING OBVIOUS SHE WAS THE ONE WHO BLEW UP THE SEPT? WHAT THE... THAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE... she just killed... not only what must have been at least a few hundred innocent people but the city's beloved holy leader, the city's beloved queen, the most powerful Lannister, the legal head of the Tyrell family and the beloved King is found dead in front of his palace...... how the fuck is anyone letting Cersei be Queen? what? isn't it... isn't it obvious it was her? she's a fucking terrorist what the fuck, and how is she even legally Queen? wouldn't it be... Jaime? I thought this culture didn't have actual ruling Queens? Cersei literally just murdered every other power player so now she's in charge? this is like the fucking climax of this seasons retarded fucking trope of like you kill your relative the leader so you get to be the leader, Elly killed Doran for Dorne, Euron killed Balon for the Iron Islands, Ramsay killed Roose for the Bolton name, Dany killed the Dothraki leaders for their army, and everyone just goes along with this when all four of these murders were public knowledge... BUT CERSEI JUST DID A FUCKING TERROR ATTACK MURDERING HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE TO NOT HAVE TO FACE TRIAL FOR FUCKING HER OWN BROTHER AND AT BEST THE KING FUCKING KILLED HIMSELF OVER IT SO THEY MAKE HER QUEEN? YAAAAAAAAAA FUUUUUUUUUUUCKIIIIIIIIIIIIN WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT MMMMMMMM888888888888888888888????????????? I guess all the extras in King's Landing really are NPCs and just do whatever needs to be done to get this retarded plot going but ok duuuuuuuuuuuuuude I just hope Cersei is the final boss of the show



speaking of dumb storylines we cut to the Ironborn kraken flag being flown on a ship and Theon looking up at it like he's a bit proud and looks around with Yara at their crew and we cut to a ship, I guess the seized Master's boat, that has been given a dragon masthead and the Targaryan sigil on it's sail that has Unsullied shields lining it and Grey Worm looks out to see as all his men stand in formation on board but that's just one of the ships there is a fleet of hundreds and we see the shadow of a huge dragon overhead and we see the Dothraki struggling to learn how to work on a boat but getting the idea as their horses are on board and we see DROGON FLYING OVERHEAD AND GOING DOWN TO THE WATER TO LET HIS WINGS SKIM THE OCEAN AND HIS TWO BROTHERS FLY ALONG WITH HIM UP TO THE LEAD SHIP



and we see Dany, Tyrion, Missy and Varys who's somehow back with them and hasn't had a single exchange of dialog with Dany lmao staring out ahead to the horrizon and the dragons all fly at the camera giving us a cheeky reee thank fucking god this fucking Dany in Essos storyline is over after SIX FUCKING SEASONS UUUUUUAGHGGHUAGUHGUHUHGHHUG



alright so this season was the first time deviating completely from the books and the show goes STRAIGHT TO FUCKING SHIT, what a weird coincidence, reminds me of, dare I say it, anime, where to not get ahead of the manga they would have barely-canon filler episodes like when Goku and Piccolo get their fucking drivers licences, or just have to say fuck it and come up with their own stories, presumably with limited help from the author who might not work with them at all or just give them general tips as he's too busy with the manga, and the story deviates and ends up getting completely retarded as people handling someone else's characters don't know where to take them, which is what you HAVE to do with live action where you're planning the logistics of these big sets and special effects months in advanced and getting actors to sign contracts for years and shit and cant just spin your wheels indefinitely until the author gets their shit published and since big boy GRRM publishes a lot fucking slower than an issue a week or month and is more like publishing a book once a fucking decade at this rate the second half of this show is like some real dumb anime shit constantly where everyone and everything become black and white LOTR goody vs baddy fodder while still pretending to be deep political intrigue with le ebin twists you wouldn't le see coming and the plot stagnates where the first four seasons each had fairly unique storylines for most of the cast, but season 5 and 6 are pretty samey, e.g. Cersei dealing with the High Sparrow and Arya training with the Faceless Men, can't believe people had to wait 2 years to watch that shit move at a snails pace and it makes all the shows worst aspects spread further like everyone who interacts with Dany becomes boring from contamination - oh boy another scene where Tyrion... sits about drinking... ebiccc and it goes from the first four seasons where it feels like everyone "earned" their deaths from making mistakes (other than le chosen one Dany) but now everyone either has protagonist plot armor that will always be saved by an outside force or got stabbed because the writers were lazy and couldn't find out a more subtle way for someone to usurp their leadership from them, time to see how fucking bad season 7 is lmao