ok i finally got my m0nde scale program working

[jon]

identical logic expressed in the shortest possible number of instructions

function m0nde($input)
{
  if ($input < 4) return leanonoppositeday;
  if ($input < 6) return fatbadcirculation;
  if ($input < 9) return obeselacksdiscipline;
  if ($input > 9) return fatfuckheartattack;
  return null;
}
$val = m0nde(trim(fgets(STDIN)));

not sure why barry didn't think 9 was a notable input

oh wait yes i am