I just want to be normal now

whatever that is for me

I was crying just now because I really wanted to do something worthwhile that helps and I don't know if I'll ever be mentally ok to do anything again.... let alone something decent that helps

I started thinking well maybe I could do aged care or something... and then I realised that I would not emotionally be able to deal with it.... and somewhere in me I keep kind of hoping that one day I will get better again and I'll be able to be functional and be able to do something worthwhile that helps again, and that's all I ever wanted and all I ever worked towards with two degrees and all the rest and the last "episode" was not my first one but each time I've kind of come out of it a bit worse and while I did come back from the "episode" And I know I'm a lot better than let's say a year ago I didn't quite come back the same.... I hoped I'd be much better by now and I'd like to think I will still get better but that might not be the case and I'm not fucking stupid and I'm all too aware of what has happened.

You have no idea how fucked up this is, I'm tough though and there are worse things in the world but it still hurts and it's very frustrating for me.