generic ruby literally all of Game of Thrones review thread - edgy, I like it special edition

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Game of Thrones 2x01: "The North Remembers"
dead baby special edition
First aired: April 1, 2012

alright first scene of this episode is The Hound in his tactical combat fursuit wolf helmet and armor with a mace and shield recking some other guy that he sends falling off the roof killing him for the entertainment of the castle staff and King Joffrey who is still trying to get any sort of reaction out of Sansa who is just acting barely responsive much to the little shit, who looks like he's hit puberty in real life and aged about 5 years, up the wall, and up next is a guy with looks like a huge meat tenderizer representing CIA and a like comically fat clumsy drunk man staggering in to represent Joffrey who notices how rekt he is and offers him another drink... with the help of his guards... WHO FORCE A FUNNEL DOWN THE MANS MOUTH AND START POURING AN ENTIRE BARREL OF WINE DOWN HIS THROAT, LITERALLY DROWNING HIM IN ALCOHOL EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 24 just in case you forgot what show you were watching, welcome back, and there's some continuation of the visual theme from last episode where we see this happening in the background as Sansa looks on as if to show her getting more and more desensitised



but she whines "you cant!" which sets off Joffrey and she tries to tell him it's bad luck to kill someone on your nameday aka autistic alternate universe way of saying birthday and The Hound actually backs her up and since Joffrey respects him like 1% for being a cool soldier guy since he's basically ye olde virgin nerd having a country-wide beta uprising he calls them off... but then says he'll have him killed tomorrow lmao, and when they release the man he vomits massive amounts of wine, and Sansa manages to spare his life by saying he doesn't deserve a quick death he should have to live life as a fool, I guess a court jester, to which Joffrey agrees and the fatty thanks them but actually meaning it for Sansa, wonder if there'll be some storyline where Sansa starts winning over the people of Kingslanding and they side with her instead or something or we're in for several seasons of pointless edge, then our manlet friend Tyrion arrives, wearing Lannister armor, taunting his nephew for not showing up on the battlefield, greeting the two younger kids and gives Sansa his sorries for Ned, and Sansa just says she doesn't care about a traitor and is loyal to Joffrey, having learnt fast she needs to play the long game, and Tyrion just struts off to work much to Joffrey's shock, who would kill anyone else for talking to him as flippantly but just seems insecure around Tyrion because he knows his family needs someone way smarter than him

then in the royal counsel Varys, CIA, the old ass guy who's name I haven't picked up, some general guy and Cersei are receiving a white crow bringing the message it seems all in its appearance that summer is over and, yes my fellow redditors, winter is coming, and they discuss how the city is flooded with refugees because of the war, wow really makes ya think maybe don't start wars then little hint for the fat Americans watching this show, and Cersei just orders them thrown out, lmao based & redpilled, and then Tyrion struts in whistling much to Cersei's disappointment and he kisses her on the cheek (lips are for the other brother), starts boasting about his adventures while looking at CIA as if he knows he's been up to some bullshit and as soon as he takes out their fathers appointment of him as the new Hand and Cersei does our first GET OUT! meme of the season so they can talk bluntly and Tyrion starts chewing her out for letting their family get in so much drama, starting a war they're losing and only having one Stark left to trade from the three they had and she just endures all his criticisms knowing he's right and she needs his counsel

then we get an extremely kino shot of a guard holding a Stark banner overlooking a castle in the middle of nowhere with a sea of clouds behind it as if it's the only safehaven in a confusing and soon to be very cold world and inside Bran and his old teacher guy is hearing some landlord guy droning on and on about how there's no good masons left with everyone sent off to war and Bran, who's the serving lord of Winterfell lmao, basically tells him to stop bitching because his fucking dead got beheaded and the old teacher guy just gives him what he wants to get rid of him and tells the worryingly unpassionite Bran listening to people he doesn't want to is his job



then we get a weird washed out POV shot of someone running through the woods and they look up to see what looks like... a flare from a flaregun? what is this LOST or some shit? or a comet in space? I vaguely remember something about that being how Gods enter the world but I think that might be D&D lore I'm remembering, and this low down POV goes towards the pond underneath that holy tree... panting... and we look in the water to see... WE'RE A WOLF lmao, there needs to be a first person remake of A Dog's Life which was a great game, then we see it's a dream Bran is having, I guess coming to terms with his new leadership role amongst his wolf sigil'd clan and how that'll probably involve losing some of the facades of humanity, and the next day he has Hodor carry him out there and the wildling lady who's been let off her ankle chains and started washing her hair talks to him about the comet that is actually real and how people think it predicts the war going one way or another but she thinks it means dragons are back, and Bran crawls over to the pond and waves his reflection away in it as if he's trying to forget the young boy he used to be and says "they're all dead"



then we cut to the comet being seen in the sky over the mainland over Dany's group of two dozen odd slaves marching through the desert with her trying to feed a chink of meat to one of her little baby dragons but it's not eating it, I'm guessing there's some edge coming up where they need to eat LIVE meat, and she puts it back in a wooden cage and a horse drops dead since they're wandering around in a desert without water lmao and Dany laments that she did her edgy speech about making their enemies die screaming but how does she make starvation scream, time to go to war on an adjective like the US government does every decade, and Jorah tells her they have to keep going East since South is the Lazereen and West is the Dothraki who'll both kill her and take her dragons, I guess North would take them to an even worse fate: Russians, who'll sell the dragons for krokodil, and Dany who looks actually cuter than usual dying of dehydration in the desert speaks to the slaves in Dothraki, which goddamn it I need to turn on subtitles for, and sends their toughest men to ride in different directions to find when this desert ends, sounds like a good way to never see them again you dopey cow, and she looks around at her starving people, with no fuzzy shit around her hair so it seems maybe they really are out in a desert somewhere irl, and she looks up at the comet that'll probably never come back into play



and we transition down from it to, oh boy, behind The Wall with a very nice establishing shot of the tundra leading to the mountains and we find a caravan of the Nights Watchmen where Sam has been given a ride on their cart of chicken cages because he's so fucking fat he can't keep up with them lmao how the fuck did they let this dude in and they arrive at a cabin in the woods where some wildlings live and one of the lads warns them not to mess with the patriarchs daughters but then another says or his wives.... because he marries his daughters and they give him more daughters... and so on and so on, ooh another one INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 3 and everyone says "that's foul" welcome to Westeros I guess where a 70 year old obese American brings his sex fantasies to life and Sam and Jon ask what he does with his sons and no one gets what they're asking, uh oh, time for some edgy cannibalism me thinks



then inside his cabin the Nights Watchmen are asking him what happened to Jon's uncle and he plays dumb to the "Southerners" and Jon claims "we're not Southerners" and this patriarchy guy says WHO'S THIS LITTLE GIRL? YOU'RE PRETTIER THAN HALF MY DAUGHTERS! YOU GOT A NICE WET TWAT BETWEEN YOUR LEGS? oh so that's what he does with his sons, he fucks them too lmao, and the guy starts bargaining for Dornish wine in return for info and gives up that the wildlings have gone to serve someone called Mance Ryder, who used to be a Knight Rider or whatever they're called again but betrayed his vows to actually go north to be king of the wildlings, and this Trumpian patriarch stops one of his daughterwives and gets her to repeat a clearly pre-established routine about how they're happy to live there rather than be slaves, presumably having to serve the lords and kings down south, and then he tries to taunt the general guy about how he has all these young wives and he has no one to warm his bed, and the general just says they've chosen different paths, and the asshole is like YEAH A PATH WITH ONLY BOYS ON IT lmao this memer, and then he stands up and threatens to cut off any hand that touches his wives and cut out Jon's eyes if he stares at them any longer either, oh I wonder if there will be drama here Jon falls in love with one of the girls, and the commander guy can tell some fucking bullshits a cooking in Jon's brain so grabs him and yells at him to learn how to follow if he wants to be a leader one day



then we see the comet again and pan down to a sculpture of a dragon carved into a sea-side cliff and we see a dude running along the beach with a torch, as in a flaming stick not a modern day flashlight, up to a group on a beach beside a big castle at night all standing around a bonfire having some sort of ritual for the comet talking about how the dead will rise in the north so they need to do an offering to the old gods or something and it's being led by some character I think we come to know as the Red Lady from her dress sense and I guess she's honoring the old gods by... burning the... trees they were worshipped through? or something? and this old guy starts whining to some new old guy who's there with I think maybe the first time we see Stannis and tells him this is against their religion of the Seven but he tells him to shut up and he starts lecturing everyone they're dishonering their ancestors for worshipping the old gods but they all ignore him and then the Red Lady comes up and says she smells "fear... and piss and old bones" and basically dares him to use force to stop her but that's not in his nature so he just gives up and yeah we meet Stannis for the first time and the Red Lady bigs him up saying he's the Warrior of Light and will pull the Lightbringer sword from a fire and he goes and does that even though it burns his hand and waves this flaming sword around and everyone kneels and pledges allegiance to him, I guess this is the theme they are going for with Stannis, that he has his political strength from having this Red Lady figure on his side who whips up Old God religious fervor for him, which I'm guessing he probably doesn't care one way or another about, but just knows it's a good angle to keep support amongst converts, followers in the North and people in the South butthurt about oppression against them, which is honestly a theme that needs to be a vital part of every other character if this is to be le gritty and grounded medieval story since the entire history of medieval europe is intra and inter religious conflict but dumb Americans who's culture has always been a hodgepodge of faiths to the extent that they unironically say things like "judeo-christian values" with a straight face probably miss this important point, then after everyone follows Stannis off the old ass man tells Stannis right hand man, Davos, that the Red Lady will lead him into a war he cannot win, but he's too loyal to Stannis and wont listen, and I guess it's effigies of the seven gods they're burning? idk this is some autism



then later we see Stannis HQ has this cool table that's a map of Westeros and all his supporting cast members are there as he looks over some speech he's writing explaining his situation about how his brother had no true heir since "his" kids were all born of incest with their uncle lmao and Stannis, who actually has a height pitched voice than I always imagined from how he looks and how his fanboys hold him up as the only honorable character left, has his servant scratch out the part about his brother loving him since that's a lie, and insists calling Jaime the Kingslayer... but still Ser Kingslayer since that means he's a knight, and it turns out that the only person Ned told before they stopped having to pay Sean Bean too much money was Stannis, I guess one of his final acts was going against CIAs plan to use the gay brother as an easy puppet even when he still trusted him after all, who wont make the same mistake and orders the newsletter to be spammed all up and down Westeros so everyone knows Cersei shags her brother and King Joffrey is an incest baby lmao, and he refuses to call peace with his gay brother as long as he claims to be king, which seems like he doesn't have a genuine claim since he's younger but people are declaring for him so that's all that matters, and his right hand man suggests allying with the Starks then since the Lannisters are everyone's true enemy, but Stannis knows they'd refuse to let him control the North, and "Joffrey, Renly, Robb Stark, they're all thieves, they'll bend the knee or I'll destroy them" damn this guy is dank and the old ass man takes the opportunity to pretending to approve of him serving the new gods over the old, ok I guess they were burning the old gods trees and are switching to the new gods or something idk fuck this fictional religious shit and real religious shit (but I repeat myself) and this old man suspiciously touches Stannis who tells him "don't" and raises a cup of wine to honer "the one true god" (inshalla) and I thought maybe he was going to poison Stannis at first who was warning him not to or something but it's when the old man drinks from his glass and offers it to the Red Lady that he starts to shake... and bleed from the nose... and THE RED LADY DRINKS FROM THE SAME GLASS LIKE ITS FINE AND WATCHES THE OLD MAN AS HE DIES FROM POISON



and Stannis stands up like wtf m8 and the Red Lady repeats her meme line "the night is dark and full of terrors, old man, but the fire burns them all away" lol she never picked up his name and just called him old man like I was doing, ok I'm not sure what happened there, I guess Stannis could tell the Red Lady was going to kill the old guy and was getting cold feet at the last second or something, and the Red Lady was just proving to the more easily influenced men in the room that she really does have divine direction from the gods or something, when in reality she might have just built up an immunity to the poison she herself used, I think maybe a better way to do that scene would have been it was the old man trying to poison the Red Lady, but she calls him out that the drink is suspicious, and so to "prove" it's safe he drinks it first deciding that he's an old man so is willing to sacrifice his life to stop this woman he thinks is a dangerous influence to his king, and the Red Lady drinks it, and the old man starts to die happy that he took her down with him, but then he sees it as no effect, and dies confused and scared as to how she's immune, and then the Red Lady looks both supernatural but also innocent compared to her suicidal assassin, but as the scene stands it seems like they're fine with her poisoning some old man just for speaking against her and then just to be edgy drank her own poison which she could have inoculated herself against somehow so is less impressive, or maybe that is what happened and I just read the scene wrong, ok I watched it again and I missed, since I was typing this, the old man acting suspicions opening some device and bringing his cup under the table and it was Davos who saw him and warned him to stop, ok so my better idea is actually what happened, ok so I just typed that out for no reason, epic, also I confused Davos for Stannis since he's the more commanding screen presence (which I suppose is fitting since most leaders IRL have higher functioning people controlling them from behind the scenes while they're just the appropriate front face to show the public) and all white people look the same, going to leave that in there since fuck you and is actually a compliment to the show that it was subtle enough that I missed it by just not paying attention to a guy fiddling about with his drink for 1 second, still a bit daft that he'd poison his drink at the meeting itself and then hope she'd drink from it but better than most shows would do it where they'd literally say out loud "oh this old man tried to poison you m'lady", so I guess that means she might actually have supernatural powers if she can survive a poison like nothing or maybe she just built up immunity to EVERY poison like some batman shit, oh also I picked up that I think they're worshipping a whole new religion and from their point of view the Seven gods are now the old gods? because that old guy was whining about how they're dishonering the Seven that is their fathers religion but then talking about following a new god and there being ONE true god? so this woman is introducing a new monotheistic religion? I guess that's a risky gamble if no one else in Westeros worships him and are either Seven followers or Old God loyalists



anyway then at Robb's POW camp he is visiting Jaime who implies that he's gay for dragging him around everywhere he goes lmao but Robb explains whoever he leaves him with will get doxxed by his father and bribed or threatened and Jaime taunts him for not trusting the loyalty of his men and starts winding him up calling him "boy" but he shuts the fuck up real fucking fast when... prowling around the cage... comes Robb's direwolf, that stands beside Robb and pants at Jaime as if he's waiting for the word, and Jaime freezes up as Robb explains his letter from Stannis, and Jaime denies it claiming that's just a convenient lie for Stannis to tell, but Robb finally has it all worked out that Joffrey killed Ned so no one would find out that Jaime is his father, although I don't think he knew that and just did it on a whim, although maybe Cersei only let him have a choice since she secretly knew what he'd do, and that Jaime crippled Bran because he saw him shagging his sister, and he grips the wolf as if considering letting it kill him, and the wolf it seems is like a real wolf that's just been enlarged for the scene it doesn't seem CG, but Jaime keeps his courage and demands proof and they argue back and fourth before Robb just lets the direwolf approach him and start snarling at him and Jaime closes his eyes expecting the worst but when he opens them it's already gone, I'm guessing there's some implication here that the direwolves represent the Old Gods or something showing them favoring the Starks because they kept faith in them so made their sigil manifest as a loyal ally to them or some such kino

then back in a really good like mattpainting or whatever of Kingslanding being overlooked by Tyrion's cag against a not so good greenscreen she is talking about how the city stinks of shit lmao I guess it really would in those days where that many people together would just throw their shit out the window and she also claims to be able to SMELL CUM from the balcony but she likes it and it makes her want to fuck, epic, good dialog, and Tyrion warns her she cant be seen with him and not to trust anyone in this city and she calls him out as a liar but he claims to be a slave to the truth, which is interesting that out of all the other manipulators who thrive on keeping secrets and faking loyalty Tyrion manipulates people by reading them well enough to find out what they want and arranging a situation that's mutually beneficial for both of them without which I guess is using the truth rather than deception, and he kisses his cag as they lay in Ned's old bed



then outside we see Cersei with four of her fathers soldiers finding CIA and asking him to find Arya and he tells her to as Varys but poisons the well a bit saying he finds it hard to trust Eunuchs since you never know what they want (probably a bit of projection here from CIA that everyone else's motivation is about trying to get laid, which I mean is sort of accurate in a round about way as most people are concerned with their offspring primarily but not literally just being a frienzoned beta orbiter like him rofl) and Cersei can tell right away he's trying to manipulate her, probably into preferring him for spymaster shenanigans, and brings up that the mockingbird pin on his lapel is in fact not to show that he is a fan of the Hunger Games but a sigil he created for himself and says its "appropriate for a self-made man with so many songs to sing" to get under his skin bringing up that he's a nobody no one really respects and CIA just keeps trying to suck up to her saying he's not as lucky as her to be brought into the right family, probably trying to make her a bit uncomfortable since he know she actually fucking hates her family, and she keeps winding him up about his modest means telling him he reminds her of a story of a poor boy who lived with a rich family and fell for the daughter who was in love with another man, I suppose referring to his story and how he fell for Cat, and CIA gets a cheeky grin like oh it's love lives we're bringing up then is it and says "problems do arise when boys and girls grow up together, sometimes I've heard EVEN BROTHERS AND SISTERS DEVELOP CERTAIN AFFECTIONS, but when those affections become common knowledge... welllll that is an awkward situation"



with a huge smile on his face like he's always got the juicy gossip on everyone and Cersei stares at him like try me cunt and CIA brings up that public shame is actually worse for powerful families everyone already scrutinizes and those in power often forget a simple truth... that "knowledge is power" and he gives her a cheeky grin like no matter her lineage he can still get leverage over anyone but he made the mistake of making his intentions a bit too clear because Cersei immediately, as if she is always waiting to do this and just measuring others intentions towards her for the moment this becomes appropriate, orders her guards "SEIZE HIM" and as if seeing what real fucking power is, simply who can project physical force on others, this little weasly beta incel gets grabbed by the big fancy armored soldiers and Cersei orders "CUT HIS THROAT" oh shit I thought they were just going to arrst him and the guards take out a sword and CIA just struggles uselessly like a little bitch



but Cersei laughs and says "stop, I changed my mind, let him go" while smirking at CIA and then she orders her guards to "step back three paces... turn around... close your eyes" and they all do so immediately and CIA looks around confused and Cersei walks up to him and tells him "power is power, if you could take some time away from your coins and whores to locate the Stark girl, I'd very much appreciate it"



while staring him right in the eyes with her own eyes lighting up for the first time in the show as if she's just had a really good orgasm or something, and then walks off leaving CIA standing there bricking it having his coping mechanism of thinking his smarts can overcome physical strength exposed and he looks around awkward at a young boy cleaning something I guess lamenting that he probably works or Varys who'll now know he got absolutely dominated by Cersei and has a mission from her, that was a really great scene, great back and fourth of mind games between these two intelligent characters and Aidan Gillen plays a slimy weasel so well and Lena Headey did such a great job of showing how deeply satisfying, in a way that snaps her out of her usual doldrum of managing others and constant paranoia and makes her feel fired up and alive and truly present in the situation for once, she finds being able to control men, both loyal and disloyal to her, with her personal power, maybe not in the sadistic way that some of the powerful male characters like to abuse others where their suffering is the main goal, but being a woman in this world is shit and being born into her family is shit but she's going to make the best of it like no one else could and climb to the top by any means necessary and even though she hates having to put up with playing nice with the ghastly men in her life at least she can just order to have other men do whatever she wants to be killed which is like her being successful at her main drive in life manifesting clear as day right in front of her, Tyrion sees she loves her children but they still serve her actual main drive in life to empower herself as much as she can which is a great characterization and also makes me want to get fucking pegged by her



then with Robb we see him meeting someone called Ser Alton Lannister and he offers his cousins peace if they release his sisters and the bodies of his father and all their fallen men, and the man says those are honerable requests but Robb butts in and adds "Joffrey and the Queen Regent must renounce all claim to dominion of the North, from this time till the end of time we are a free and independent kingdom", oh shit boi we going full William Wallance now, and all his men say "King of the North!", and Robb threatens to personally behead Joffrey if he ever sets foot in the North, and the cousin, who I assumed they captured in battle, starts stuttering because he knows he has more to fear from his uncle than he does from Robb if he delivers those terms, but Robb threatens to litter the countryside with Lannister bodies, and when the cousin corrects him respectfully that Joffrey is a Bathoreon or whatever Robb is like oh... is he ;) and they hand him his demands in letter form and order him to ride south and his guards escort him out their command tent

then outside Theon comes to Robb calling him your grace, which he says he doesn't need to call him in private, but Theon, being the arrogant wanker he is, says its not so bad once you get used to it, since he probably really misses being called that having grown up a prince, but Robb's a big boy position he's not comfortable with yet, and Theon tells him the Lannisters will reject his conditions which Robb already knows, I guess he only made those demands to big up his supporters so they keep believing he has the courage, conviction and moral righteousness to be be supported, and Theon, a rare respectable feature, sort of, of his being that he actually knowing his way around a battle, tells him they'll only win by taking Kings Landing which requires ships, and he offers up his fathers fleet, who even though was defeated in part by the Starks, did so to free his people from Kings Landing, and Theon convinces the new King Robb that he can convince his father to help, which he's probably doing because he wants to be a cool war hero again and probably win back respect from and for his father since he's basically been a POW for the last few decades, and he tells Robb that he might not be a Stark but Ned raised him to be an honerable man and he wants to avenge him together

and then we smashcut to Cat telling Robb he doesn't want King Greyjoy as an ally, and she makes reference to rallying the rats in the sewers of Kings Landing being a better option so I guess they don't throw their shit on the street, or maybe the sewers are only connected to certain prominent peoples houses and the average citizen still does the old chucking the pan out the window thing, but he argues they've got no other play since his supporters wont keep supporting him if all they get for the infamous Kingslayer is two girls, and he snaps at his brother when she says that's what they're fighting for, but Robb now has the pressures of the whole of the North on him and not just his family, and he says their current play... is to send Cat to negotiate with Renly who already has 100K men, I guess the angle here is Robb isn't interested in the Iron Throne he just wants freedom for the North and to defeat the Lannisters, and I guess he knows Stannis wouldn't abide by a team-up on the conditions of freeing the North, but Renly is more of a push-over who'd be fine with that as long as he gets the Iron Throne, which is a real smart move, Robb is a bit of an underwritten character but he's very sympathetic as the one power player who doesn't actually like having power at all but is managing not to be overwhelmed by it and play everything smart and just, which if I know my edgy GoT means he's going to get gangraped by gorillas or something soon

then back in the Iron Throneroom there are workmen at work which Joffrey tells his mother is him restoring the room to what it was like under the Targaryens because they were conquerors, aka the schizophrenic king who immolated people for no reason, but Cersei's main concern is they don't have Arya to trade for her lover/brother, and Joffrey doesn't care since the Starks are weak for "putting too much value on their women" lmao LITERALLY The Incel King



and Cersei tries to convince Joffrey to send forces looking for Arya by telling him to ask his grandfather realizing that he's already got a case of the ol toxic masculinity and doesn't respect her opinions on military matters just for being a woman, but he disrespects Tywin too saying its his fault Uncle Jaime is captured which is a big redflag for Cersei since she knows Tywin will do whatever horrible thing necessary to get Joffrey under his control if he catches a wiff if disloyalty to him, but before she can gear up the ol manipulation Joffrey says.... he heard an awful lie about Uncle Jaime.... and you.... and he looks awkward as if he obviously doesn't want to think of his mother.... or uncle... in that way but maybe anyone in a sexual context and Cersei just smiles comfortingly and says it's ye olde Fake News™ to weaken his claim to the throne as if she has already played out this conversation years ago, and Joffrey stares at her in confusion like he knows his mother tries to control him but also how can anyone deny him his throne as if he's too pigheaded to understand his enemies would lie about him and she just gives in in that way only mothers do with their sons knowing it's best not to argue and keep influencing them as an caring ally than a commander they wont listen to (which is why a boy needs a father fuck single mothers lmao) and comforts him that everyone know hes the rightful king, but Joffrey has heard somewhere that... Rob had other children besides him and his two younger siblings, and Cersei looks shook that he might be onto the fact that there's some whores baby out there who's the real king never mind his two uncles in-law that are trying to overthrow him and Joffrey disrespectfully asks "were there other women he was fucking when he grew tired of you?" oooh I feel a slap coming oooon and yyyyup Joffrey asks "how many bastards does he have running-" but CERSEI SLAPS JOFFREY ACROSS THE FACE



l m a o and there's a great camera shot where it cuts back to the wide shot of the soldiers who instinctively look over at the sounds of violence but then quickly realize it's an interpersonal thing and they best keep their fucking eyes to themselves and snap back to standing guard and Joffrey hears the construction work suddenly stopped and as soon as he looks at the workmen the whole room just gets back to work knowing its their only option and Joffrey sits there stewing in repressed mommy issues incel rage as Cersei bottles it realizing she did that on instinct and didn't realize that doesn't exactly fly as of a few weeks ago anymore and Joffrey says "what you just did... is punishable by death" and Cersei looks like she realizes her best play is to just act scared and sorry and Joffrey tells her "you'll never do it again... never" and as he storms up to sit on the Iron Throne and dismisses her, based on how automatic Cersei slapping him was she used to do this regularly to him as a smaller child and this is the moment all shitty parents fear when their kid becomes a bit too big for that kind of shit and you realize could kick your teeth in if they wanted, or in this case order someone else to do it, huh its... almost as if you hit people... they wont respect or like you... and will make them angry... really... really makes ya think *triggers all the braindead apes who still think slapping your kids is a good idea in [the current year]* but also I want Cersei to be my mommy and slap me for being a bad boy and talking about incest too much

then we smash cut to AAAAHH AAAH AAAH AAAH AAAH AAAH AAAH FUCK ME WITH THAT BIG BLACK COCK sorry that was my blacked.com window playing we see a cag riding the dick of a maybe lucky customer getting a free go in one of CIAs brothels as I think Ros since all white people look the same is giving her some direction on not fake moaning like in shitty modern day porn (that convinces numpty normies thats what actual good sex is like irl and if the woman isn't screaming like she's broken a leg it's bad)



and she's meant to ease into it so it seems natural but she starts overacting again and Ros tells them BOTH to go clean up, so I guess the dude is on some gay for pay shit normally, or maybe in this instance straight for your mates, and Ros shows a new girl around this fancy brothel she's enchanted with and points out some girl going off with a dude in monk robes who's actually from down the road who pretends she doesn't speak not-English and wears some psudo-Egyptian jewlery to pretend to be exotic and calls her a "dumb slut" lmao I guess showing she doesn't respect any of these other women but then the new commander of the city guard comes in who she's seen before if you catch the implication but he's not there for pleasure as his men drag in some dude who looks like he's been roughed up and his other men start kicking down doors and Ros tries to tell him this establishment is CIAs who is the kings Master of Coin, ah so that's why he thought the guards were loyal to him since he's like finance minister or something, but the guards are really loyal to the Lannisters who control the actual resources CIA just distributes really makes ya think and his men drag in a cag with her screaming baby and the man looks guilty but nods to the commander and uh oh a guard tears the baby from her arms and looks down at this crying baby as the mother begs for mercy and hesitates when the commander tells him to kill the bastard so he takes him from him AND KILLS THE BABY



but it's off-screen so I'll let you off the edgy meter for now and the commander just casually sheathes his blade and struts out leaving the woman screaming in horror on the floor of the brothel and then we see some night of the long knives shit as every house in an area being searched by the city guard and they stab a teenage boy and drown a younger lad in the sea



and then a crowd of angry men have gathered and have to be held back as a guard carries out the dead baby and the guard who pussied out looks on horrified yeah there we go that's gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 25 from me my man



and then we see that blacksmith we met last season having his face held near burning coals as he gives up his assistants doxx saying he's travelling North to join the Nights Watch and we cut to seeing this guy jumping on the back of a cart with his bullshead helmet he made and ah yes Arya is there and this is the young man she made friends with sorry I didn't recognize him due to all whites looking the same and my autism alright didn't really feel like a premiere for a whole new chapter of the story or anything it was just more of pre-established plot only thing that felt new was finally meeting Stannis and I guess the comet is some new imagery but it was ok I loved every scene with Cersei and the pay-off with the men going around killing kids, edgy, I like it, but unironically



Game of Thrones 2x02: "The Night Lands"
pretty sneaky sis special edition
First aired: April 8, 2012

ok so after the opening credits which I've never actually sat through once lmao reverse trap Arya is taking a piss by the river in secret and then goes back to the convoy when some creeper prisoner asks for a drink and to be a "friend" to this "lovely boy" and his other cellmate just growls for beer before he skins her lmao and he's heard "his" name is Arya (inb4 there's a legion of trans GoT fans who think Arya is actually a transman like they do with every other female character in fiction who's obviously not trans and only dressing like a boy as a disguise that's necessary in their situation) which I guess isn't obviously a girls name in this world and he introduces his cellmate who immediately starts barking for beer again like fucking Father Jack in Father Ted and Arya tells him he should have asked nicer and starts whacking his hand away from the bar with a stick and he threatens to "shove that up your bunghole and fuck you bloody" very nice and edgy and the creeper guy says she's got more courage than sense and the blacksmith boy warns her not to go near them but then they see the "gold cloaks" from Kings Landing are there and the blacksmiths boy ducks down as if he thinks they're there for him but Arya hides too saying they're there for her and whoever this Ned's ally guy is gives the city guard some cheek and he just hands over a warrant for the arrest of one of the people there but the guy just PULLS A KNIFE AND PUTS IT TO THE GUARDS CROTCH and threatens that he could "shave a spiders arse" with his knife if he wanted to and he does the smart thing I thought he should have done rather than what I assumed he'd do with threatening to castrate him but he threatens to nick the artery in his inner thigh that there's no one around to un-nick and actually takes his sword off of him and gives him the choice to die there or go back home and say they couldn't find their quarry and this stonefaced guard can tell he's serious but doesn't show any fear and decides to just ask if anyone's seen Genry, and Arya realizes that's her friend, and says he'll be back with more men, a reward if anyone wants to turn him in... and this dudes head and then rides off, seems the guy has some big balls afterall, but the dude doesn't seem to care at all since he seems to think the Nights Watch is outside of King Landings reach, but he looks over at Genry realizing he's got two problems now



then back at Kings Landing we see Tyrion walking in on his cag gf talking to... uh oh... Varys, who in a world of people who'll do anything for more personal power is probably the most dangerous one there since he seems like he's genuinely dedicated to a cause greater than himself, the good of the realm, even if that means engineering a massive fucking invasion for it, and Tyrion immediately gets worried since he knows how dangerous Varys is and doesn't want him whispering his machinations to his cag gf who's already a big vulnerability to him, but she's lied to him, probably unsuccessfully from the way Varys teases him about it, that they met in one of his fathers kitchens, and Tyrion taunts Varys back that he should "try her fish pie" but his whore gf can tell Varys "doesn't like fish pie", and he asks how she can tell, and she says she can always tell, interesting that Varys is usually the kind of smugly effeminate smooth talking flamboyant character who'd usually be coded as queer in this sort of story but it's just that he's been castrated as a boy lmao and Varys drops the lure that he knows, somehow, that Tywin didn't want her to come, and """assures""" him that his discretion for friends is legendary, hinting that Tyrion, who I'm sure Varys has clocked as one of the other highest IQ people in the city, best keep him as a friend as he's already got leverage over him in their first private meeting, but Tyrion has taken a level-up in being a badman from his recently journey North, having been beaten in a cell, faced execution, been to war and killed a motherfucker, simply waits for his girlfriend to be distracted, stops Varys from leaving and tells him "I don't like threats" and Varys plays dumb but Tyrion says "I'm not Ned Stark, I know how this game is played" and then threatens to have him thrown into the sea lmao but Varys is a real nigga too who then stops Tyrion from opening the door for him so the tension cant be broken and tells him he might be disappointed in the results since "the storms come and go, the big fish eat the little fish, but I keep on paddling" since he's a survivor, probably an interesting side-effect of being castrated, he'll never aim for and reach a stage in his life where his primary concern is his children like most people do, so he's only ever learned how to survive hardship, and has already survived some fucked up shit, and then just politely tells Tyrion they shouldn't keep their Queen waiting as they have a counsel meeting, ooh I love it, we're getting some interesting match-ups with the master manipulator characters recently, we've yet to see Varys talk to Cersei or Tyrion talk to CIA however, but I like that there's like four of them, when usually a show just has one or two



so then we see Cersei reading out Robb's demands letter she got from her cousin... which she then tears up lmao, which Tyrion even lampshades teasing her that she's perfected the art of tearing up papers, and Tyrion says they should at least give Ned's bones back but Cersei ignores him and asks her cousin if he'll deliver their response, and he swallows knowing it might kill him but that might be better than what she'd do to him if he refuses, and before he leaves she asks him, with genuine tenderness, to tell Jaime if he sees him that he's not been forgotten, since she seems to at least hate him the least of all her birth family, so I guess the reply to Robb's conditions is literally "*tears up letter dismissively*" rofl, and Tyrion teases her about her diplomacy skills, the old guy hands over a note from the Black Rock, wait sorry wrong tv show, Castle Black, and CIA and Varys bicker about the wildlings finding a king and Cersei just chortles at the ridiculousness of her situation and asks "how many kings is that now? five? I've lost count", and it's a note from the commander guy asking for more men on The Wall again to deal with the White Walkers, but everyone but Tyrion dismisses it as superstitious Northern retardation and leaves



then back at boring central the Nights Watchmen are talking about how you fart when you die and one guy is saying when his mother passed she farted so hard she made the bed shake, brilliant, to be fair this really is how dumb men talk amongst themselves lmao, and they start to get tempted by all the daughterwives walking about and one of them tells a story about fucking his childhood friend much to the amazement of literal virgin neckbeard Sam who is sent away to get more potatoes, nice plot hole they didnt have potatoes in medieval europe, but on his way he hears a woman screaming as ghost, Jon's white direwolf, scaring one of the daughterwives because she's holding some meat and he goes to shoo him away and then gets flustered when she tells him he shouldn't touch her, aaaaah it's going to be Sam who gets in trouble trying to lose his v-card lmao, cant wait for this to turn into some 40 Year Old Virgin shenanigans of him trying to fuck these girls, then some wildlings, then a White Walker woman, then next thing we know Sam comes to Jon with this girl called Gilly who begs him to take her with them because she claims to be pregnant and if it's a boy... but she's too scared to explain what and runs off (I'm sure it's something edgy like he eats them) and Jon chews Sam out for being such a thirsty virgin trying to steal another mans woman but he defends m'lady's honor saying "she's a person not a goat!" and in classic TV fashion refuses to do something to close the scene so the tension is open for the next scene where he gives in or catches the other character doing it anyway

then just to blind me by cutting from a dark blue scene to a bright orange scene we find Dany is doing great at her first act as leader by bringing these starving slaves deep into the desert and Jorah is taking tiny sips from whats left of his water and hopefully rethinking his decision of being such an orbiter, and I notice an interesting thing that maybe is the actors real scar or something or make-up but it looks like someone tried to slit his throat at some point, and he notices... yep... one of the men she sent away's horse comes back, not sure a horse would know to do that without being specifically trained where to go... but it's not just that the guy died... his severed head is in a bag... EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 26



and Jorah says it was probably one of the other Dothraki kings who don't like the idea of a woman leading a tribe and Dany says some edgy shit about how she'll get them, not really catching on that getting revenge as a leader is not exactly groundbreaking liberation talk in this setting and it'd make more sense for her character arc to NOT send her men into violent situations over pointless feuds but whatever, and the mans wife falls to her knees and cries that the butchered him like an animal and didn't give him a funeral pyre so cant be with the ancestors or whatever but Dany comforts her that they still can, somehow knowing the ins and outs of Dothraki culture after only spending like 9 months there than a woman who grew up in it all her life, good storyline that's definitely not dumb and retarded with Dany threatening revenge on kings with armies while she has like 20 starving slaves left

then back in Westeros we see Theon on a ship returning home to the iron isles or whatever and he sees his family's castle that's been built on three different tops of a cliff range over an ocean, don't think that would pass any health & safety checks



and he smiles that he's home but then his face drops when he remembers how awkward this shit is going to be, and then he goes into the boat where he's of course brought a prostitute (with some wonky triangle tits like iwascruel, must be cheap) and boasts about how hard places breed hard men who rule the world and she jokes that he'll rule the world soon then in reference to his le big boner but Theon the dickhead tells her to try smiling with her mouth clothed because the woman has some sliiiightly wonky teeth, fuck off Theon my teeth are way worse than hers and I know this is an American show so its illegal to show people without 100% white and straight to the nanometer teeth but in an actual medieval setting people would have rotting brown teeth falling out and shit even if they were rich cunts since dumb humans hadn't invented cleaning your teeth yet, and Theon undresses as this woman prattles on about how her father doesn't trust iron islanders and says they're all theivers and rapers and no matter how many women they have they'll never be sat- but Theon just jumps on her and rams his dick in, which I don't think anyone has ever done in real life once and need to use their hand but in magic TV land that's exclusively how people do it, and tells her to stop talking about her father lmao but says he was right, their wives are for breeding, but they also take "salt wives" they capture in war, and this relatively homely for the usual over the top attractive prostitutes on the show plays along with him to be his salt wife... to be taken ashore, which is her real angle as everyone has an ulterior motive in this show and she wants to live in a rich castle, but Theon says her place is on the ship, and she jokes that her father will call her a whore, and Theon just says well I haven't paid you and flips her over to do it doggy style and the woman goes cross-eyed, or was already cross-eyed lmao, as she realizes she slept with this guy for maybe not even money



and then we cut to, oh lordy, another sex scene where the new redhead cag Ros was training is riding a dude reverse cowgirl, and it's uh pretty realistic looking definitely looks like she's ontop of something between the guys legs lmao not sure how they pulled that off maybe just CGI'd a dick in the shadows



and then we see the guy in the robes I think from before is spying on the couple through a peep hole as he is getting his dick sucked by the girl who pretends to be Egyptian in the room next door...



but then spying on THEM is CIA peeping on them through another peep hole lmao, this seems like a good template for a meme video where it keeps cutting to reveal who's spying on a spy over and over again for minutes on end



but I guess is to build up the theme that even in this world of no electricity or communications technology there was still very little privacy guaranteed, and then a fat man comes in complaining to CIA that his girl started crying when he barely touched her and he calls over the fake Egyptian girl, who reminds me of Alice from the Zero Escape games who inexplicably dresses like an ancient Egyptian pharoh despite not liking people comparing her appearance to one, but before she comes around the corner he spots that SHE STILL HAS THE DUDES CUM ON HER LIP, so he stops her and wipes it off and then presents her to the dissatisfied customer who immediately starts french kissing her llllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssssssssss



and then he goes to see the crying cag, now if only I didn't have autism but... is this the woman who just saw her baby murdered in front of her? oh, no, she's upset because that was her friend, and maybe she witnessed it, and CIA says that was "poorly handled" and it seems like he tries his autistic incel best to comfort her by comparing her to another girl he pimped who'd cry often and he never new why, and in a rare use of score that starts grumbling he tells her that that meant she couldn't make money... and he hates bad investments, and she stops crying real fast remembering that this dude ain't her fucking friend and really does think of her as his property that's only there to bring good returns, and CIA keeps the edge going by saying a very wealthy patron paid him to let him..... transform..... the girl, to use her in ways that would never occur to most men, and he didn't succeed in making her happy, but his losses were defiantly mitigated... but then he stands up and acts friendly again telling her to take a night off to mourn the child, but he'll see her tomorrow... and she'll be happy, and she forces a smile as he leaves and then sighs at how shit her life is, pretty good scene to establish that CIA is a vindictive cunt to his girls too and not just to Starks since he's literally ye old friendzoned "nice guy", it's always hard to tell what shows like this are going for with having like 3 sex scenes in the space of like 10 seconds since I'm sure this is the most edgy thing possible to Americans, but LITERALLY only because it's being aired on their television set and they all jerk off to pornhub on their phone every night, but it's obviously not actually shocking to anyone who isn't a burgerbrain, but it is useful narratively to set up what a piece of shit CIA is that his is how he treats his girls and the juxtaposition of the more farcical comedic elements of the brothel of the voyeur being spied on himself and the girl getting cum wiped from her lips is a good contrast to how dark CIA abusing this poor woman is so I'll let them away with it... for now...

then we see Tyrion's new squire spilling his drink as he talks to some guy, who I guess is the new commander of the city guard, at a dinner table at his home, and he's inquiring about the "nasty business" in CIAs brothel, and the commander just says it had to be done, he was just following orders (yeah? well so was HITLER - credit to that joke goes to the movie The Nice Guys) and he starts getting uncomfortable, not because he just killed a fucking baby, but because he realizes the danger to himself as Tyrion starts dragging him into his family drama by pointing out it's obviously Cersei who ordered it and asking about the whole incest rumors, which he denies and insists he's loyal to Joffrey, and Tyrion keeps the pressure on him by asking if it was his order that killed Ned's men, and he gets defensive saying he deserved it for trying to buy his loyalty and pushing his buttons like its as easy as riding a bike (which I never learned to do) Tyrion winds him up by calling him already bought, and he snaps at him saying he wont have his honor questioned by an IMP, lmao, I wonder how Peter Dinklage feels playing a guy who gets called an imp constantly, probably better than people in real life calling him a dwarf or, somehow better, a Little Person™, and Tyrion basically just starts flaming the guy saying he's not questioning his honor.... just saying it doesn't exist, and when the guy stands up and starts shouting Tyrion just points out his bodyguard is standing right behind him and tells him he wont get the chance to betray him like he did the last Kings Hand, and this dude, who I guess is the leader of... the palace guard and not the city guard? I cant keep up, and Tyrion orders his own guards to take him to a boat to be stationed at The Wall, oh no, not the most boring storyline, too cruel, just cut out his eyes or something, and the guy is like wtf they're my men, but not anymore because Bronn is the new City Watch commander, who just smiles at him and then orders "boys" who drag him off screaming about how he has friends at court and the king himself made him a lord, but Tyrion knows Cersei isn't loyal to anyone and Joffrey doesn't give a fuck, and then after the amusement of getting just a bit of revenge for Ned wears off he asks Bronn what if he ordered him to murder a baby would he do it without question, and Bronn just goes "without question? no.... I'd ask how much!" lmao what a mercenary bastard, although in this world it seems like the people who say up front they're brutal killers are the ones hiding a softer side, like The Hound, and it's the people who pretend to be honerable that'll stab you in the back, like that dude that just got sent away, he defends his actions as necessary royal orders, but Tyrion seems to believe him and stops for pause as he considers the character of his new friend

then back on the road the fat bully kid and his skinny friend are discussing if they should turn off Gentry or stay and fight if the city guard come back, and Arya taunts them that they'd shit their pants in a real battle, and the fat kid boast that he saw a battle - and Arya calls liar - so he finishes, it was a man killing another man outside a tavern lmao, and the way this obese disingenuous british dope talks, looks and acts, you know who it reminds me of? he's like a younger version of James Corden lmao, who's the same sort of gratingly gormless oversized baby that could only find success by going to America to play the le wacky British guy role that John Oliver already does better (despite also being a cringemaster)



anyway the fat kid asks Arya what a dyers apprentice knows about battle, and she tells him, who I guess his name is Hot Pie lmao, to tell Gentry what he knows about battle, and he looks over and this big strapping lad who punked him out last time, and he awkwardly tells him that it's a battle if you're wearing armor, which a knight told him, who he knew was a knight because he was wearing armor, which is the kind of circular reasoning self-invented old-wives-tale that dipshits like this are still saying on the internet in [the current year] lmao, and Gentry tells him anyone can sell armor, which he knows as a blacksmiths apprentices, and Hot Pie realizes he's been had yet again and just leaves, and then Arya asks him what he's wanted for, and he tries to brush her off but she just keeps pestering him over and over again calling him a liar until he gives in and says two Kings Hands came to him and died shortly after and Arya realizes maybe this is what got her father killed and asks about who his parents are but he doesn't know anything himself yet and asks her if they're after her because... she's a girl! and she's like I-I'm not! and he's like "take your cock out and take a piss then" and she gives in and asks him not to tell anyone since he seems like the one honerable person in the world so reveals her identity to him and defends her fathers name and he realizes that he's just been talking about cocks and pissing in front of a highborn lady and genuinely apologizes as if he wouldn't want to upset someone not used to masculine vulgarity, but Arya loves it (masculine vulgarity, not cocks, you fucking pedo), and he teases her about not wanting to be called m'lady and Arya gets so triggered she shoves him over and runs away, huh maybe she is trans afterall

then we see Theon arriving ashore and he tries to tell the fishermen that he's the prince but no one believes him and he has to pay off a local to get him a horse, and then a woman, with a badass swagger and practical clothes that seem like she's from a different universe, comes up and offers to take him, and Theon, with his love for confident women, gives her the eye-up, but shes not easily impressed and teases him about being at sea for too long, and they banter back and fourth until he realizes she knows who he is, and he gets his own swagger back and cockily pays the local to bring his things up to the castle and then rides up there on the bitch-seat of his new love interests horse, inventing negging by telling her hes a much better rider than her and putting his hand in her shirt and coping a feel, and she just confidently tells him his blood will be in the sea if she doesn't watch where she's going as if she's used to handling aggressive men, and Theon puts his hand down her pants and starts grabbing her by the pussy which she just rolls with knowing he's a prince and looking up at his big ass castle



then we see Theon coming into his fathers living room who's sitting by the fire and he calls out, still hidden by his chair, that 9 years ago they took a scared but and asks what they gave back, and Theon, still looking scared lmao, declares "a man" but his father is like "we'll see, he had you longer than I did", which I guess makes Theon only 17 although maybe his father was absent a lot, and we see him turn around in his chair as he judgingly asks Theon how he feels about Ned's death, and Theon does a very bad job of hiding that he's affected by his surrogate fathers execution and claims "whats done is done" knowing thats the tough guy response his father wants, but his father bolts up out of the chair as he approaches and starts asking if Ned made him his daughter with those robes he's wearing and asks if he paid the iron price (fucking killing someone for it with an iron weapon, I guess a saying in the iron isles) or bought his necklace with his fine clothes with gold, and Theon, already completely shook by his father simply mocking his posh clothes, swallows and admits "gold" and his father just tears the necklace off, dropping his cloak, and says "I wont have my son dressed as a whore" and laments the Starks training him as their raven and talks down to him right back into his face when he calls Robb his brother, but Theon nuts up and tells him he never forgot his real brothers OR when his father was a king, and it's his father who gets shook now, and I guess respecting that Theon isn't a totally spineless gimp takes Robb's letter from him that promises that Robb will make him king of the Iron Islands again, I guess they're completely under Kings Landing control at the moment, and boasts that he'll lead their forces himself much to his fathers amusement, but then his new love interest comes strutting into the room and Theon is shocked to find she was let in past the guards and she just says "anything with a cock is easy to fool" and she walks up beside his father who holds her tight... and I'm thinking... it's actually his new step-mother? but no, I forgot what show I was watching, Theon realizes "Yara?!" and Yara goes "so good to see you.... BROTHER" LMAO THEON JUST FINGERED HIS SISTERS PUSSY!!!!!!! that's gonna have to be a big ol (one-handed) INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 4 from me lmao what a wacky prank for a sister to play on her brother h-heh w-would be pretty funny to be on the receiving end of that h-h-h-heh also I know Theon would fuck a direwolf if he saw it bending over but maybe he got hit by some of the ol Genetic Sexual Attraction, where if you meet a relative you don't recognize you can fall in love with them because you seem so similar or hell maybe he always wanted to fuck his sister and that's why he likes assertive women who can banter with him because that's what his sister was like growing up as a kid



and then Theon sees the smug look on his fathers face, presumably not knowing what she just tricked her own brother into doing, I guess just to demonstrate to him and maybe even her father what an easily manipulated unfit to lead oaf he is, and realizes "she cant lead the attack!" and he's like "why not?" and Theon snaps "YOU'RE A WOMAN!!!!!" lmao pretty feminist for a culture that encourages war time rape, and she tells him "you're the one in skirts" pointing to his fancy cloak, and his father tells him she's been captain of their fleet since his new father killed his old brothers and they both put their hands over their hearts and say "what is dead may never die" (reference to the White Walkers?) and Theon scrambles to remember to do their old custom as his father just walks off to burn the letter while bragging about what a good captain Yara is and how he'll pay the iron price for a crown as she looks smuggly at her brother and Theon just yells at him that he wont stand a chance against the Lannisters on his own, and he just says who said anything about the Lannisters, implying maybe he'll betray the Starks to them so he can have his revenge at who mostly BTFO him last time, so I guess it's the Starks who maintain most control over his islands, ironic what happens to Theon later when he's so concerned with his father considering him another royal family's trained pet...



then on a beach in some foreign land we see Davos is talking to... oh my god... its a n-... its a ni- oh sorry, pardon me, um, an actor of African descent, and he's trying to win over this guys support, but he says Stannis has the fewest men and the worst chance of victory, but Davos argues Stannis has proven himself in two wars and is the most honerable, and this guy is a pirate who taunts Davos for being a smuggler, which is I guess how they know each other, and Davos targets the guys vanity and greed by offering him the chances for a harder quarry than his usual, sacking the richest city in Westeros, and people will sing songs about him forever, but the pirate adds condition that... "I WANT THE QUEEN" and Davos is like "the Queen?" and this.... n-... ni-.... nincompoop says "Cersei, I want her" and he agrees to lend him all 30 of his ships and if they make it "I will fuck this blonde queen and I will fuck her well" oh no no no no onNONONONONONONONOICANTHOLDITBACKANYMORE



KEEP YOUR FILTHY FUCKING RAPING MONKEY HANDS AWAY FROM MY WAIFU YOU FUCKING SUBHUMAN
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
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GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


oh sorry that just slipped out of me I guess I just wasn't expecting this to turn into a more racially stereotypical scene than a blacked.com video, and Davos assistant tells him "this isn't about you, we're not invading Kings Landing so you can rape the queen", and this lovely nubian gentleman tells him "I'm not going to rape her, I'm going to fuck her" and the white guy goes "as if she'd just let you?" and the pirate goes "you don't know how persuasive I am... I never tried to fuck you!" and lunges at the mans genitals and suddenly its turned into Poor Little White Guy In The Hood 7: Mainland BBC For The Tight Westeros Boy Hole



as this guy backs the fuck up real fast and Davos just looks at him like watcha gonna do about it bitch, and this kid tells him they fight for Stannis, the Lord of Light for the one true god, and the pirate just mocks him that he's been all over the world with people telling him about their one true gods, but to him... "the one true god is whats between a woman's legs, and better yet, a queens legs" and the kid just walks off fed up and the pirate mocks, oh, Davos son, for being a true believer as his father promises him the gold, glory, but not the queen, and the pirate seriouses up and asks if his man can really win, and Davos vouches for Stannis, and the pirate laughs that Westeros men are weird, a man cuts off his fingers and you fall in love, and Davos offers him a.. gloved hand, to shake on, so I guess he was caught smuggling on Stannis land or something and he ended up working for him, and the pirate swaggers off past the flinching son smiling at how shook this lil white boi is of the BBC, ah truly a great use of our first black actor, have him ranting about raping a white woman and then threatening to rape a young white man, good stuff HBO, and they call me the racist, and then Davos has to put up with his son trying to convert him to him and his mothers religion of the one true god, Allah of course, and his father says he respects him, but he's seen too many men;s prayers gone unanswered to have a faith himself and implies he's only ever relied on himself to come home from sea not praying to some god, but his son says he was, and his dad says if he wants him to have a god then his god is Stannis who let his son learn how to read and will be a knight some day and his son says he's just a king but Davos says don't tell him that and rides off, well that was an oddly modern-ish conversation about religion, you'd think back then everyone would have a faith or keep their mouth shut about it because you might get it staved in for disrespecting someones gods and a father wouldn't want to talk that way to his son in case he convinces him and it ends up getting his lad killed, funny that everyone's under the Red Lady's thrall other than him but he just knows to keep his mouth shut about it since he knows its working in his kings favor, I'm sure some edgy shit will happen where the Red Lady forces him to pray to spare his sons life and then kills him anyway or something, anyway I wonder if we'll see this dude again I know this is the ancient times of 2012 but it's weird to watch a show with only white people in it other than the Dany scenes which again feel like another series, show needs more hot black girls is what I'm getting at



then we see Cersei chewing Tyrion out, unfortunately not like that, about firing the leader of the city guard but Tyrion warns her she's losing the people over the whole "murdering children in public" thing and she just laughs and says she doesn't care about the people, and he tries to sell it to her as the practical notion of it being hard to rule over a million people who want her dead especially with le winter coming and she just gave them their rallying cry of "the queen kills babies" and she tries to keep smiling to pretend she doesn't care but cant keep it up as she knows he's right and gets shook and walks to the window and Tyrion realizes there's something wrong here since she's usually so shameless but he realizes "it wasn't you who gave the order, was it?" and realizes "Joffrey didn't even tell you... did he tell you? I imagine that would be even worse" but heeeere were we get to the defensiveness when he questions his nephew she rants "that's what ruling is, sleeping on a bed of weeds and ripping them out one by one before they strangle you in your sleep" and when he gives a meme quip about it she starts crying about how he nor Jaime never took leadership seriously, I guess because they have le male privilege of not having to fight tooth and nail to keep themselves from getting raped never mind have any power in this world and can just go around their lives as princes without being married off to a drunk wife beater and have to fuck your own brother, and she sits down lamenting how "it's all fallen on me" in a rare moment of genuine emotional vulnerability hoping that Tyrion, the closest thing to a good person in her family, will console her, but there's a fantastic take from Peter Dinkledge here where he quickly looks away as if panicking and having no idea what to do with any woman being emotionally vulnerable to him after what his brother and father put him through never mind his usually ice cold bitch queen sister and he defaults on his usual manipulative taunting behavoir and says "as has Jaime, repeatedly, according to Stannis Baratheon" lmao



which I'm sure he already knew years ago, and looks up at her as if he's ashamed of himself for failing to rise to the challenge of comforting her and just being a manipulator as always, ashamed of Jaime for doing that, ashamed of her for asking for comfort from him after all she's done and ashamed of his whole fucked up miserable evil family, and sits there with his eyes watering, and Cersei just stares at the table in silence like she deserves that response instead of any decency, and then cringes as she says "you're funny, you've always been funny" as if she can barely find her words she's so upset, but then she feels angry, and as if that's the only thing that makes her shit life have any direction, she can suddenly find her words real fucking well and tells him "but none of your jokes will ever match the first one, will they?" as she stares at him with malice and goes on "you remember? back when you ripped my mother open on your way out of her and she bled to death?" and Tyrion looks like hes about to cry and is leaning so far away from her like he wants to run away from what she's saying and is about to say he's about to fall off his chair and says "she was my mother too" as if this is the only way their fucked up relationship can be honest, emotionally abusing each other like usual but just not hiding how hurt they are by it, and Cersei looks at him with disgust and says "mother gone... for the sake of you" and Tyrion clenches his jaw as if he's ready for the sentence that'll keep him awake at night for the rest of his life as his sister says "there's no bigger joke in the world than that"



and then just stares at him like there's nothing else to their relationship than trading suffering back and fourth and then walks out the door not even bothering to close it and Tyrion just sits there like there's no point in thinking up some witty retort or scheme to get even when all that shit he does with other people is just a coping mechanism to avoid facing what only Cersei can just say to his face, damn what a dank-ass scene, cant believe such amazing writing and acting is taking place in the same show as the Dany storyline lmao

then at Stannis HQ Davos and his son are playing with their really cool table top RPG play set putting the BBC pirates boats into play when Stannis walks in with the Red Lady to get the good news but Stannis considers pirates dishonerable but Davos assures him he's got the sniff of gold, and Stannis does the "leave us" meme on Davos and his boy to stay with the Red Lady, who stops the son and gives him a blessing and whispers something secret and sensually in his ear until his uncomfortable father calls him away, and Stannis asks what she told the lad and she says "death by fire is the purest death" wow thanks for the nice life advice lady, and Stannis stares at her wide-eyed like he's not one for hiding his reactions and thinks she's insane so she starts buttering him up as the prophesied Lord of Light and he, clearly not being a believer, tells her to tell her lord to burn his enemies then because his little brother already has 100K men and he cant take Kings Landing without them, and the Red Lady tempts him to find faith, and Stannis just growls "I've said the words damn ya!" as if that's what he thinks the extent of religious devotion is, meerely preformative, but she smiles at him seeing his ignorance as a sign he'll be easier to brainwash and she tells him he must give over himself and... lets her dress fall open to show him her breasts, and Stannis walks away saying "I have a wife, I took a vow" almost as if he's complaining about it, but is too honerable not to remember it, and the Red Lady comes closer to him with her pubic hair exposed and gives some exposition that his wife is sickly to the point of disgusting him and that she's not given him any sons only stillborns and she holds him and promises to give him a son, knowing that's what really tempts him, and he's enchanted... and gives in, and takes her robe all the way off and starts kissing her and then... tosses her on his RPG table and starts fucking her as all the pieces topple over, wtf those warhammer figurines take hours to paint!, as if he's fucking Westeros itself and this will topple over all the currently established powers or some such kino



then back at boring central we see Jon noticing the patriarch guy creeping through the dusk holding a baby so he follows after him into the snowy tundra to find... nothing... there's noone there... but then he hears some weird sounds in the woods... and sees the patriarch guy leaving... empty handed... and he hears the baby crying so takes out his sword and runs towards it and starts hearing creepy sounds all around him until he spots the baby left in the woods but then sees... A WHITE WALKER PICKING UP THE GUYS GRANDSON/SON...



BUT THEN THE INCEST GUY APPEARS BEHIND JON AND KNOCKS HIM OUT!!!! ok that was actually a cool reveal, with the non-stop edge I just assumed the hints at fowl play were just, youknow, the usual fowl fowl play where he cuts their dicks off and raises them as more daughters or some sick fetish shit not something to actually, god forbid, do with the plot, this is a Jon Snow storyline after all, I'm guessing what's going on here is the White Walkers cant reproduce naturally and need dead humans to reanimate to multiply so this guy made a bargain that if they spare him and his daughters/wives he'll let them have his sons to convert, although maybe if White Walkers don't age at all they raise the baby human amongst them until their at their physical prime to kill them and reanimate them so they don't have some retarded zombie baby that's useless, well that was a good episode, mostly because it had fuck all Dany and loads of good stuff with Cersei and some aaaah uhhhh interesting development with Theon and his family



Game of Thrones 2x03: "What Is Dead May Never Die"
I am no man! special edition
First aired: April 15, 2012

then like all TV show cliffhangers we're not going to be able to address the information brought up last time right away of course as the patriarch guy throws Jon into his cabin and demands the lord commander guy take his men and leave and the commander tells Jon to fuck off who doesn't just blurt out "he gives his sons to the white walkers" and sulks out like a cuckold but afterwards when the lord commander talks to him it turns out he already knows because "wildlings serve crueller gods than you or I", although it doesn't seem he knows about the White Walker aspect, which maybe Jon should fucking say, and the Nights Watchmen put up with it because he's their only safe refuge beyond The Wall, and Jon fiiiiinally mentions he saw a creature taking the child, but not saying it's a White Walker that he's already seen for no reason, and the commander says some creepy shit about how he'll probably see it again, then later Sam is talking to Gilly in secret, or as much secret as a man of his size can have sneaking around in public, and he's such an orbiter he gives her a gift of his mothers thimble promising to come back since the most female attention he's ever gotten in his life is from this sex slave that gets raped by her dad

then back at Winterfell the teacher guy sends le ebin Hodor man to rouse Bran for his lessons and Bran wakes up with his direwolf ontop of him staring into his eyes as if it can tell he's having the dream where he's a wolf



and he tells his teacher he thinks he might be a legend his nan told him about being able to see through animals eyes but he tells him it's just a myth, and then he shows him that he has a link of valaryan steel on the chains all "maesters" have around them like the old ass guy in Kingslanding which I guess are like their qualifications of what they've studied because he says this one indicates he "studied the higher mysteries", which is maybe like their version of physics or something, and admits he tried to practice magic spells because he, like any other young boy, wished he could have special powers, but he never got anything from it, and even if magic was real thousands of years ago with dragons and giants and the "children of the forest", they aren't around any longer, which is an interesting take on the fantasy genre to maybe keep it more realistic where "back then" people really did take religion at face value and worry about what other supernatural things were real but in this case it actually was and can still exist rarely, although I still think it's still a bit daft that in this world it actually is real and someone as smart and studied as this guy hasn't heard that no there really is witches and White Walkers and shit since information travels by crows so fast in this world, idk what the fuck GRRM was thinking really not having it being entirely alternate history since that's clearly the theme he's going for and the content that actually does have shit like dragons and zombies in it feels like an entirely different show, I get that later on he treats dragons like WMDs sort of with the way Dany uses them in battle and as a deterrent and the White Walkers are sort of a metaphor for how groups of humans think of their enemies as simultaneously as mindless animals but also terrifyingly powerful attackers but it doesn't really work to say anything when that's actually what they are within the canon rofl

then we finally see what the gay brother is up to with his glorious army, which is having fighting tournaments for the amusement of himself and I guess his wife he's in the closet or bi with and she's played by Natalie Dormer who I've seen in a lot of other things, she was good as SPOILER WARNING FOR ELEMENTARY Moriarty and probably the best thing about the extremely pretentious Picnic at Hanging Rock, and she's doing a good acting meme of breathing hard as she gets all excited from watching these men fight, hopefully a sexual excitement, and when Cat arrives she watches the fight looking like wtf are these dumbasses doing fighting each other, and Dormer's character gets so hyped she stands up and starts cheering on the winner who's annihilating the other guy and with a mace and manages to pin him down with a blade to him until he yields, and when the would-be king tells the victor to remove his helmet... its actually... A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



and the crowd gasps and the loser looks humiliated but Dormer defends her brothers attempts to fight for the kings honor, and the gay dude, whats his name Renly? gives this Brienne of Tarth anything she wishes, who I'll just call Brie for short, who speaking of short or not is played by Gwendoline Christie who's a big girl for you at 6 foot 3 inches which is huge for most of the manlet actors in hollywood, I've only seen her in the new Star Wars movie where the press built her up as this new badass villain when she's in like 3 scenes total and does nothing but get humiliated by the black dude the two times they meet lmao but I have a feeling I'm gonna like this character I really like how every group has their designated like super badass soldier, like The Hound seems to be Joffrey's bodyguard, the Mountain is Tywin's main enforcer, I think Bronn worked for the Starks until Tyrion hired him, and it seems like Renly's is going to be this lady which is dank and right up my alley, and her request is a place on his kingsguard, to be one of his seven bodyguards, and the crowd is shocked that a woman would request such a role, and the loser looks at Renly like come on dude... nepotism and all that... wtf... but Renly ACCEPTS and makes her one of his personal guards, very feminist of him, bravo, usually I'd nitpick about a woman fighter in such a grounded setting but for once they actually did cast a woman's that's actually physically imposing who probably could have the leverage and weight to throw average men around and not like 90lbs Summer Glau in Firefly or whatever dumb anime shit so bravo, and one of his men introduces Cat and Renly introduces his wife Margery of house Tyrell and idk if Dorner, who for some reason has a permanent smirk on her face that might be the issue, is just a bad actress or not but she unconvincingly says she's sorry for her loss, maybe it's that the character is a sociopath and doesn't give a shit but knows she's meant to act polite to stay the queen, or maybe Dorner's wonky mouth just makes her look smug at all times lmao



and Cat seems to be able to tell she's disingenuous but just says she's most kind and then Renly promises he'll bring her Joffrey's head and his men all cheer and Margery looks around at smiles at how riled up the men are as if she gets turned on sitting right next to one of the most powerful men in the realm and Brie tells Cat he should kneel when talking to the king getting right into her new job and the dude she defeated gets uppity and starts saying Robb should come down himself and Cat just snaps "my son is fighting a war, not playing at one" and the guy gets some snickers against him and he looks btfo yet again and Renly just smiles like he remembers how feisty she is and goes off to talk to her and Margery looks off not smug looking for once as if she's intimidated by another strong willed woman having influence over Renly and Renly walks Cat through his army and stops to ask a man if his foot is alright because he seems to have gotten stepped on by his horse and it seems like Renly genuinely cares for his people, or at least doesn't mind seeming to for PR, which is at least better than every other leader who are harsh to their people or don't give a fuck one way or another like Cersei, and Cat makes a comment about his Knight of Flowers, I guess that was the guy getting beaten up by Brie, god I cannot tell these people apart, so Renly is having an affair with his wife's brother? top fucking kek, also a kek that this pretty boy guys main role in the show is to get his ass beat by people far larger than him, and Cat warns him that having men like that aren't hard enough, and Renly takes a bit of offence of her talking down about his lover but tries to hide it since he's a homeboy on the downlow and tells Brie to take Cat to her tent, and she talks to her about how she's willing to die for Renly, it seems just because she desires to be a soldier rather than having such conviction for a guy who's only just staked a claim to the throne and she's only just met a minute ago, on the battlefield and not to call her a lady, and Cat smiles as if it's nice to see a woman so self-assured and getting what she wants for once in this fucked up world, but then her face drops as if she remembers oh yeah, this ain't no fucking fairytale and all that'll be good for is getting her stabbed in death so some rich cunts can get richer, which about sums up women wanting to be in combat roles in real life, like if I fucking hated women (more than I already do) that's what I'd advocate for, women getting their brains blown out and getting PTSD from getting their limbs torn off, seeing their friends die and killing poor brown people who's homes they're invading, just a wee bit of intel for any feminists retarded enough to support that that's a fucking good thing you're not equal to men for, being conscripted (which america still has for men and you literally have to sign up for a draft in america and all americans tell me lol wtf you on about but then if I say the magic buzzwords of "selective service" and they all instantly admit to signing up) to die in a fucking war is the worst thing about being a man and wanting that for women is like saying more women need to hang themselves to get equal with men's suicide rates or something



then we see Theon walking into the dark shitty looking dinner room when Yara comes in and he gets extremely triggered and yells WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! and she says smugly "I live here" yeah your sister living with your father what a weird turn of events Theon, I think he's feeling a bit of the ol sexual violation since his own sister baited him into fingering her lmao, and she asks if he's angry, and he snaps YOU LYING BITCH!, and she just says "its not my fault you didn't recognize me" obviously the right course of action here is to rape her so you're even, and Theon screams that last time he saw her she looked like "a fat little boy" and Yara says she didn't tell him because she "wanted to see who you were first... and I did" and laughs at him did they actually full on fuck off-screen before he went to meet his dad or something lis and speak of the devil their father storms in to some maps on the table and declares while "the wolf pup" is distracted fighting the lion down south with all his men they can take the North and eventually even Winterfell will bow to them and Theon bricks it realizing his father's going to stab Robb in the back and tentatively asks what his role is and his father gives him one ship, "the sea bitch" to fight fishermen, while Yara gets 30 lol, and Robb starts insisting he knows Robb's men and they wont give up and he knows more about war than Yara since he's a proven warrior but his dad basically calls him a traitor for protecting the men who killed his brothers and Theon realizes he's on thin ice and tries to argue logically that if they ally with the North they would just give them Castle Rock wherever that is, but his dad is a diehard Ironborn ideologist who says "we do not sow, we take" (yeah probably why you live in a barren cold dark dank wet shithole where everyone is an asshole), and Theon, seemingly still loyal to Robb since they are actually nice to him and don't belittle or sexually molest him, tries the angle of whining like a bitch that he didn't choose to go with the Starks they stole him when his father bent the knee to King Robert and THEON'S DAD SLAPS HIM SO HARD HE GOES FLYING BACK ACROSS THE ROOM INTO A TABLE LMAO and Theon declares/reveals "you gave me away! your last boy! and now you curse me because I've come home!" and his dad just looks sad and storms off, and Yara gets triggered and calls him out for having another family and tells him he better choose and angstily storms off herself while Theon stands there looking like he's about to cry for having to make such a tough decision, he might be one of the more dumber characters and on the surface just le obnoxious womanizer but he's actually a pretty interesting character with how insecure he is in a very immature overcompensating sort of way and I like that he's clearly extremely bothered by his sister tricking him into fingering her since usually mainstream media depict men being sexually abused as just le wacky misunderstanding, not a big deal because they all want it at all times or just deserts for their own prior sexual misdeeds and Theon being such a lecherous fuckboy himself is prime fodder for such Ameridogshit tropes but Yara's clearly in the wrong here and it was used to build up what a nasty person she is and what an uncomfortable experience Theon is having, very woke, bravo



then back in Kingslanding Tyrion's cag is bored because he wont let her leave his room as he's sitting at his desk reading letters but he warns her that his sister is triggered at him and would love to find a weakness to use against him and she gets triggered at being called a weakness but Tyrion tries to explain it's a compliment but she wont accept it since even someone as manipulative as Tyrion cant keep a roastie from getting toastie

then we see Cersei having an awkwardly quiet dinner with Sansa and her two younger children and the sadly innocent young girl asks when the wedding is, and Cersei says after the war, and all the little girl cares about is she'll get a new dress, and Sansa looks at this little girl like Cersei looked at Sansa before Joffrey showed her her fathers head as if she's sad looking at this young girl who's only worries in the world are silly things like fashion that used to be her, except that used to be Sansa like literally a week ago, and she tries to talk to Sansa about her dress but that sort of thing is completely gone from brain, and Cersei spots an opportunity to be a cunt and tells her The Princess just spoke to her, and Sansa struggles to collect herself to say pardon Your Grace and then tells the little girl how much she's looking forward to the wedding as her eyes well up with tears, and Cersei just looks at her like she's glad she's beginning to understand how fucking shit being a queen is and is glad someone else is suffering other than her who's just been hit in the face with what a monster Joffrey is and how literally no one in her life loves her not even the pathetic midget but the longer she stares the less satisfying it is as if she's realized she's just angry at a past version of herself and looks away after maddogging her and the little boy innocently asks if his brother will kill her brother as if all this talk of war is just an interesting bed time story to him and Cersei just sits back and casually says "he might, would you like that?", and Sansa awkwardly sips her drink, but the little boy who hasnt been as fucked in the head yet as Joffrey says "no I wouldn't" and Cersei gets triggered again probably reminded of what a shit Joffrey is in comparison and tells them Sansa will marry him even if he does while smiling at her condescendingly, Lena Heady is such a good actress holy fug



then we get some kino where Sansa looks in a blurry mirror at her reflection as if she's realizing how much of herself she's losing by playing along with this in the name of survival and revenge and wondering if it's worth it, and she gets interrupted from her twilight-esque brooding by... Tyrion's cag who says she's her new handmaiden, who he told he'd get her a job in a kitchen to have something to do but I guess this is his better idea, and Sansa seems super distrustful at first as if she's just someone Cersei sent to get close to her, and Sansa, as if continuing this fucked up cycle of toxic femininity tells her through watering eyes to stop waiting for orders and do things on her own accord, and when this dumb thot goes to get a hairbrush Sansa glares at her like it's so easier to just consider her poor trash she doesn't have to burden herself with relating to and starts ordering her to clean and ranting at her about how it's not her place to show her how to do her job and changes her mind and makes her brush her hair I assume like her mother used to do as she wants some comfort afterall

then we see Tyrion meeting the old-ass measter guy handing him some blue potion because he is suffering from constipation, which he says is probably from stress, and Tyrion asks this dude, Pycelle, if he can keep a secret, and he says to the grave, and he reveals his plan to arrange a marriage for Marcella to some royal family on the mainland in Dorn so they can use their army if they need to but when he turns around Varys is sitting there, and for a split second I thought the old man had turned into Varys or something like Varys was such a master of disguise he could turn into the old man or hypnotize Tyrion into thinking he was him or some shit



but it's just Tyrion telling this same bit of ye olde Fake News™ to everyone else on the counsel as a test to see who leaks it to Cersei first to see who he can trust, a very smart almost Death Note-esque gambit, and reminds me of notoriously sociopathic streamer Destiny saying he does shit like this to see who'll leak bits of made-up and specific to them personal trivia, and Varys plays it like he just loves a bit of gossip as he hears Tyrion telling him he's going to marry the princess off to... Theon! so yeah, its specific to each person so he can see which specific one leakead or not, I bet Destiny stole it from this scene lmao, although it's risky with guys as smart as these because if they speak to each other and figure out what you're doing they could ruse you back, and Varys points out that that's daft as he's a ward of Winterfell and Theon tells a tall tale about how he plans to get Theon on their side with this marriage and have him destroy the Starks from within as their mole



then we cut to CIA that he's going to marry off Myrcella to... Robin Arryn of the Vale, who I am pretty sure was the little shit prince who tried to throw him down the well last season, and Tyrion quips about how he's not on the best of terms with his mother but maybe a royal match will convince her to let bygones be bygones, and CIA wonders why he'd be so forgiving to a woman who tried to have him killed, and Tyrion, knowing just how to take a jab at CIA who we finally get to see him mentally spar with, says holding a grudge is an encumbrance for men in their position, and CIA just smirks like he's a cheeky wee cunt and offers his assistance in convincing the queen to marry off her son to his niece but unlike the other two who's strengths come from seeming like harmless confidantes CIA of course asks "whats in it for me?" and Tyrion spins another tall tale about ending the war, gaining back control of the vale and something called Harrenhal, I guess that's the name of that crazy castle carved into the mountain, which CIA claims is cursed, and Tyrion says he can tear it down once he's Lord of the Riverlands, and CIA looks like just jizzed his pants from the temptations of such power but claims Tyrion fucked over the last guy he promised that title, and Tyrion knows how much CIA appreciates a callously utilitarian business arrangement and just says he didn't need him, but he needs CIA, who doesn't say anything back, the closest thing he gets to giving genuine aproval, and Tyrion just reminds him... the queen mustn't know, and CIA looks on after him like he's having a moment of weakness like he should think twice but has such longong for more power, heheheheheh good scene



then we cut to some gay porn of Renly making out with his fucking brother-in-law in bed and taking his shirt off, wonder if his wife wonders why he shaves all his body hair lmao, and then when he takes his lovers shirt off he notices all the bruises he got from Brie's flail and teases him about it and kisses his bruises playfully, but the prettyboy isn't feeling it and gets annoyed since he's still butthurt about losing to a woman and starts bitching to Renly for humiliating him by appointing her kingsguard, and he calls him out as jealous, but the prettyboy calls her condescendingly Brieanne the Beuty as if no one finds a female lanklet attractive and when Renly tries to "make it up to him" by giving him le succ the prettyboy turns him down and tells him bitchily that there's another Tyrell who needs his attention, I guess suggesting he go bust a nut with his wife instead because they need to keep their fathers aproval and starts to leave, and when Renly grabs him to start kissing him again the prettyboy, who probably isn't that into him (or Cersei) and just wants special friends in special places, shoes him off and tells him his vassals are starting to snigger behind his back because "brides aren't usually virgins two weeks after their wedding night" (not sure how his men know that but ok, I know in some shitholes in the middle east in the modern day the parents demand to see the marital bed sheets to see the blood from their daughters hymen getting popped lmao and since this is fucking retarded and doesn't happen every time if you're a virgin and might happen if you're not since the entire islamic faith is like something written by an incel who's never talked to a woman before some couples have to buy a chicken to cut up and put its blood on the sheets to keep their familys happy) so I guess Renly is mostly on the gay side and Renly just snorts "and Margery is a virgin?" and the prettyboy just says "officially, shall I bring her to you?" and storms off, which makes it sound like he has to seduce her into fucking her husband or something but I guess he's just going to summon her

and then we see Renly downing a glass of alcohol to try to cope with having to fuck a woman, and he warns her he's had a bit of wine, I supposed to try and excuse away any trouble getting hard as ye ole whisky dick, and then he awkwardly stares at her and tells her she looks very beautiful, and MARGERY GETS HER TITS OUT with that obnoxious smirk on her face that makes it hard to tell if that's just her all the time or if she's onto the fact that he's gay and just doing this for political reasons too or might even get off on the fact that she can even bed a gay man or maybe even getting a sadistic thrill out of how uncomfortable he is, >tfw not gay so women with a fetish for reverse corrective rape will never rape you



and she starts making out with him as he prattles on awkwardly about inner beuty but she shuts him up and he just stares ahead like oh fuck here we go and when she puts her hand down to his benis he excuses it as the wine as if that's what he planned ahead for and he just closes his eyes as if he's imagining his lover as she kisses him and tries to stroke him hard but it's not working and he says sorry and goes to leave but yep there we go she says DO YOU WANT MY BROTHER TO COME IN AND GET YOU STARTED? I KNOW HE WOULDN'T MIND, OR I COULD TURN OVER AND YOU CAN PRETEND I'M HIM lmao thought so and Renly, with the immense pressures of 1) being gay in a time where there's at least casual homophobia never mind what the law is 2) needing to command the respect of an army as a badass man of war and 3) keep their father who presumably wouldn't like that he's cheating on his daughter with his son lmao on his side, gets all shook and pretends to not know what shes on about, and she just smiles to herself, I think, as if it's good news to her he's so paranoid about being found out because it'll make him easier to manipulate, and tells him they don't need to play games together, he needs to save his lies for court as if this is just the regular business of power, and she sits down and comforts him almost more like a friend rubbing his shoulders and tells him they need to have a baby to bind their family's together but they can try again later and its totally up to him how they do it, with her brother or without, if he wants, and reassures him caringly that he's the king and kisses him platonically like a sister on the cheek, like her main goal is to just cement herself in power, and she's probably right, her brother seems like he's up for anything sexual as long as it benefits him, hell maybe they even worked together to plan this arrangement, where she's his wife in public but to make sure he's really loyal to their family he's his lover in private since they realized he was a homeboy on the downlow or something, good scene and I like this new character and this is a pretty good "closet gay" storyline which are usually overwrought cringefests from being set in the modern day where it doesn't really matter at all if you're gay anymore and even if your family hates you then fuck em probably weren't doing you any good to stick around them already but this dude has everything to lose if this gets out



then we see Tyrion walking in on Cersei and he realizes his cunning masterplan has already succeeded as she is crying and starts ranting to him calling him a monster for wanting to "marry off Myrcella like a common whore" as if he's only doing this to emotionally abuse her knowing arranged marriages are a soft spot for her and Tyrion just plays along justifying his supposed arrangements waiting for her to drop the name of which of the three pretend-suitors and there we go, she says she wont let him ship her off to DORNE like she was to Robert Baratheon, so it's the old ass maestro who's name I forget that was the untrustworthy one, or at least, fastest to be distrustful as he was the first to tell her, would be awkward of then CIA or Varys came to her and gave another name and she caught onto what happened, wouldn't put it past either of them to catch on to Tyrion's scheme and do that just to fuck with him, also fitting it was the old man since he seemed like he was under CIAs pressure to throw Varys under the bus to Ned last season, unless it was him that poisoned the last (last) Kings Hand afterall or some shit, he definitely seems to have a speciality in medicine, and Tyrion plays along defending his "decision" to marry her off to Dorne as Cersei has a fucking fit about him trying to use her daughter as a hostage (projecting what she's doing with Sansa) and start threatening Tyrion, who looks at her like go on bitch try it, and she tells him "Ned Stark had a piece of paper too" showing just what she does to Kings Hands that fuck with her family, and Tyrion just smiles like it's too easy, and he keeps pushing her to see how far he can take it by saying it's already done, and Cersei throws some glasses off the table in a tanty rage and Tyrion the little shit digs the knife in deeper saying she'll be safer in Dorne, she wont be raped or butchered like the Targaryen children if the city falls, and she rages so much she actually shoves Tyrion back onto the steps and screams in his face to get out, and sits down with her head in her hand as if her life is just one big nightmare, that's why Cersei is such a good character, any other evil queen archetype is just a cunt for no reason other than selfishness, but everything Cersei does is in direct response to the suffering of her circumstances and, ironically unlike many male anti-heroes who use this excuse that retarded audience members believe, actually to protect her children



then we see Theon reading a letter by candle light and I must have to turn in my whitey card because I cant read this fucking cursive but I think its a letter to Robb he wrote warning him of his fathers intentions but the little prick starts burning it as if he's sided with his father or maybe figures the best chance for the Starks to get out of this unscathed is to stay as a mole on his fathers side and actually do Tyrion's fictional plan for him which would be a neat twist but I think Theon's just a insecure twat who'll do whatever he thinks will make him a Real Man™ and there's a kino shot of him sitting in the blackness with the burning letter as if the darkness is consuming him or perhaps the ink, since his family's sigil is a squid, from his fathers influence is surrounding him then the next morning on a beach his father and sister look on as he swears an oath to some priest to their religion of the Drowned God which involves him kneeling as this priest gives some poetic words about how what is dead can never die and having sea water poured over his head like a baptism, huh, I thought I read somewhere it involved literally drowning him in the sea and then reviving him, maybe they gave him the baby version since he's such a pussy



then back in Kingslanding Tyrion's wacky prank is playing itself out as CIA marches in on him and snarls I DON'T APPRECIATE BEING MADE A FOOL OF, DWARF! as he's clocked that the princess cant marry the autistic zoomer prince if she's to be married to Dorne since they aint no muslims bruv, wait its multiple wives they have nvm scratch that g1, and Tyrion doesnt even bother to hide it and just apologizes and he clearly got CIA by the cock there as he's still thirsty to own that queens castle and land and Tyrion just smiles at how easy his greed was used against him and says sorry for that too and CIA warns him to leave him out of his next deception but Tyrion, seemingly using this scheme to get intel on all four of these peoples motivations, sensing how emotionally thinking and evidently greedy CIA is, actually invites him into his next deception to release Jaime, and CIA mocks him that Robb will never release the Kingslayer, and Tyrion drops the bait smiling that CIA's so easy to play with this angle, that no, but Cat might, and CIA licks his lips as if he's literally about to chomp down on some bait when Bronn comes in having found the old man who "had some company" with him that he'd "hate to interrupt", but Tyrion calls him out that he doesn't, and Bronn just admits he doesn't and walks off to do so as if he was just joking and doesn't actually give a fuck about being courteous one way or another, and CIA looks at Tyrion like whats the little shit up to now who just smiles back at him as if he's lucky he wasn't the first one to spill the beans to Cersei, and maybe he never did considering Cersei was probably bitching to other people about the Dorne plan which he'd inevitably hear, going to be interesting to see what Varys thinks of all this, would be dank if he knew all along and used it to play the old man by going to him first, getting him to spill what Tyrion told him... and then telling Cersei the old man's false info to fuck him over



then we cut to Bronn and another big lad kicking in the old mans door as he lays in bed with a cag and he begs Tyrion for mercy swearing it wasnt him that spilled the beans it must have been Varys but Tyrion explains his ruse that he told Varys he was giving the princess to the Greyjoys... and Littlefinger to the zoomer prince... and no one to the Dornish... other than him, as he intimidatingly plays with what looks like ye olde cigar cutter as if he's going to use it to cut off his dick or something knowing this show, aaaaah yes there we go, he tells his men to cut off his manhood and feed it to the goats, a threat he picked up from his old forest savage friends, and as the old man starts panicking Bronn just laughs at him as the other big lad, probably playing up the dumb oaf act to scare the easily flustered senior citizen, that there aren't any goats around, and seeing his will already crumbled Tyrion asks how long he's been spying for his sister, and he swears he's only loyal to the Lannister family, but Tyrion's not buying it, so he orders Bronn to cut off his... beard, much to his distress, and then asks how many hands he's betrayed, and he stutters out an explanation that the last last Hand was going to tell King Robert about the Queen (fucking her brother), and Tyrion accuses him of poisoning the Hand, and he swears he didn't, which he seems to buy, but can tell he still had something to do with it, and accuses him of hastening his death and then orders the mewling old man to be thrown in one of the black cells which he finds extremely distressing and Tyrion just leaves a coin for the terrified whore who had to sit through all that in the background breathing and panting in fear and as Tyrion notes how curiously strong the old man is when suddenly fighting back against his men he gives the cag another coin and she calms down, almost as if she was just pretending to be more shook than she was to try and get compensation/hush money and wondering about if the old man was playing possum it made him realize the whore probably was too, dank shit I love Tyrion and his little Cold War-esque schemes, manlet pride brother



and then we see Tyrion drinking and the camera pans over to show... Varys, in a scene that comes across as very intimite from it's lack of establishing or wide shots like most discussion scenes on this show, who seems to have caught on more than enough to what Tyrion's pulled off and congratulates him but asks if he should be worried what with Tyrion already getting rid of the head of the City Watch and not so poor old Pycelle, "the small counsel grows smaller every day" he says with a cheeky intonation as if less competition is fine by him, and Tyrion just says he's not intending to follow Ned's path, and then Varys tells him a riddle... "a king, a priest and a rich man... between them stands a commmon sellsword and each great man bids the sellsword kill the other two... who lives... who dies?" (my guess? the sellsword is the one who dies because all three powerful men, who despite being enemies, can all agree they cant risk a mercenary of indeterminate loyalty in their presence, and have him killed, and the point of the story is Varys is basically warning Tyrion that you don't want to expose yourself as a threat to those in power, because no matter their type of power, they keep it by being ruthless to the less powerful) and Tyrion says "depends on the sellsword", which I took to mean it depends on his personality, who's decisions he'd be loyal to, but when Varys asks "does it? he has neither crown nor gold nor favor with the gods" Tyrion says "he has the sword, the power of life and death" as if he means it's up to his decision and he's the real one in charge in that situation, taking the question to be who's the real most powerful man in the room, and going for the cheeky fourth option of the swordseller I went for too but just in a different way, and Varys hints "but if it's the swordsmen who rule, why do we pretend kings hold all the power?" and Tyrion sips his drink narrowing his eyes as he tries to figure what he's getting at and Varys hints at what hes really saying by asking "when Ned Stark lost his head, who was truly responsible? Joffrey? the executioner? or something else?" (I guess it was really CIA's doing) and Tyrion being reminded of his, uh, stark reality, says "I've decided I don't like riddles", and Varys explains "power resides where men believe it resides, its a trick, a shadow on the wall, and a very small man can cast a very large shadow" as he smiles at him as if the point of the riddle was to congratulate him again on his continuing mastery of manipulation, so I guess his answer to the riddle is sort of what Tyrion said, but not that it's up to the swordseller in the sense of he's the really most powerful, it is how I assumed he meant it first, its up to whoever he believes is the most powerful of the three, since there's no actual answer beyond that, which is true really, you cant even bribe someone like the Lannisters do if they don't BELIEVE their money will bring them power or BELIEVE the Lannisters will continue to have the power to pay them or they BELIEVE others would follow them, and his argument applies to real life to where different political groups squable over whether optics matters or they can just say and do whatever they want to further their cause when blatantly obviously optics is all that matters, like I could go murder a bunch of people and if I get the optics right nothing fucking happens to me, never mind obvious things like if your movement has bad optics it's going to lose supporters, so you got a lot of people tapping out of the alt-right after realizing what kinds of people they were agreeing with after Charlottesville and the left is losing a lot of white men since they can't shut the fuck up blaming everything on them even if that's what not what they actually mean because they forget not everyone has their understanding of their opaque anylisis of social group dynamics, really makes ya think, ok so I think it's fair to say that from this exchange we can infer that the Epic Ruse Master Power Rankings are thus Varys > Tyrion > Cersei > CIA > Pycelle since Varys has yet to be rused by anyone and is always ontop of everyone's ruses, Tyrion just rused the other three, Cersei made CIA her bitch boy and Pycelle was the only one dumb enough to expose himself fully



then on tha road at I think the same castle we saw the cast stay at last season we see Arya sharpening her sword like an edgy gurl amongst the other sleeping travellers and whoever the adult guy is comes in and offers her his flask of alcohol, and Arya gets nervous and says she doesn't like the taste, probably lying that shes ever tried it since she wants to be more adult than she actually is, as she's still kind of acting on her childish notions of what some brave hero would be since she hasn't gotten bitch slapped by reality yet by literally seeing her fathers severed head straight on like Sansa has, but I guess she did merc that other fat kid so she's on her way to being a real nigga, and the dude admits "you don't drink it for the taste to be honest", which is true and something that drives alcohol drinkers up the wall who swear up and down the street that they just like it for the taste and not the real reason that they take a mind altering substance because just not being able to think straight is enjoyable which about sums up how extremely pathetic human beings are but at least some people can admit it (or not partake at all due to not being pathetic, like me, *wastes life writing autistic threads on a dead message board no one ever reads*), and Arya perks up hearing an adult actually telling the truth and being straight with her for once and stares at him as he tries to sleep, which he can sense, and she asks how he can sleep after seeing so many horrible things and have them in your head, and as if addressing what I just typed up there he says she didn't see anything, he made damn sure, I remember as a kid I would think this trope in fiction of adults stopping kids from seeing things was dumb, like so what, you'd still know it was happening, it's condescending to think a kid seeing it would change anything, but now as an adult I realize yeah, seeing is believing on an emotional level and you wouldn't want a kid seeing that, or an adult for that matter, but Arya says just seeing everyone, Joffrey, the queen, her sister, standing up there waiting to kill her dad was enough to keep her awake, and the adult talks about how he saw his own brother being stabbed through the heart by some regular guy and he didn't do shit about it, and he cant even remember his brothers face anymore... but he can remember his killer... and starts describing this guys good looks, and how he'd think about him constantly, even saying his name before he went to bed every night, until the man came back into town... and he buried an axe so deep in his skull they had to bury him with it, and his horse has been taking him to the Wall and he's been wearing black ever since, lmao I guess wearing black is the thing for edgemasters to wear in this culture too, and the man realizes he's not exactly helping Arya and laughs "that'll help you sleep eh" and tries to go back to sleep, I guess he was just unburdening himself but maybe also telling her she can use revenge to keep going since it seemed to give him relative peace rather than stewing in anger, which probably isn't good life advice or a 10 year old girl, but then they hear a horn outside and he hops up screaming for every "lazy sons of whores" to wake up and Arya insists on fighting with him but he tells her dead serious to stay hidden and run if things go bad and whips everyone else up to grab their swords because "there's men out there who want to fuck your corpses!" nice, edgy, and it's the gold cloaks from Kingslanding there for Gentry and all the travellers run around screaming like headless chickens not knowing where to go to fight or to run or what and one drops a torch that burns the grass next to the prisoners in their cage who starts creaming to be let go because shits about to get holocaust up in this bitch and the leader of the gold cloaks is a knight sent by Tywin himself since the city guard requested their assistance and he's got some of those badass looking red armored Lannister soldiers with him who I guess are like a ye olde PMC since they're professional private soldiers and not just some random serfs some lords gathered up like most of the armies in this setting, and he orders in the name of King Joffrey for this dude to drop his weapons but he just spits on the ground and refuses and bigs himself up for a fight but the leader just says "so be it" and gives the motion and a dude with a crossbow puts an arrow into his chest lmao realism bitch or not since the dude mutters "always hated crossbows, take too long to load!" and HE SLITS THE BOWMAN'S THROAT AS HES FIDDLING TO RELOAD, REALISM BITCH



AND STARTS FIGHTING EVERY CUNT AND MANAGES TO KILL THREE GOLD CLOAKS BEFORE LANNISTER SOLDIERS MOVE IN AND SPEAR HIM AND THEIR LEADER CASUALLY INSERTS HIS SWORD DOWN HIS SPINE, KILLING HIM



and Arya sees this and is like oh fuck its the real nigga shit now and legs it but due to being a moralfaggot Stark she stops when she sees the prisoners being burned alive and she looks around at the battle breaking out and at a hand axe she grabs and the smart girl doesn't wait around to hack the chain off herself she just gives it to the prisoners and runs off and we see the fat kid hiding in the bushes bricking it actually seeing a real battle for the first time and as Arya is about to get away a soldier shoves her to the ground, takes her sword "needle", and mocks her that he'll use it as a toothpick, and then she sees the fat kid being brought in too whining that he yields, and his skinny friend can be heard yelling for help as he got shot in the leg with an arrow, and one of the soldiers goes over to him as his men have won the fight and are gathering up prisoners and asks him if he can walk, uh oh, and this little shit tells him to carry him, and the soldier smiles and offers his hand and says "alright", and the kid looks relieved that the man is helping, but when he takes his hand THE SOLDIER CASUALLY INSERTS ARYA'S SWORD INTO THE BOYS THROAT EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 27



and grins at him as he spurts blood out his mouth and dies laughing to his mates "carry me, he says!" and the commander guy shoves over the ally dude who's name I never picked ups dead body, who's death I liked since we just got his backstory and character development like a minute ago and I like that meme of someone tells their lifestory and then dies even if it's telegraphing it a bit it still forces you to care rather than if the interesting details of their life you half forget from hearing weeks ago and there was some kino in there where he seems to be advocating for violence, saying taking revenge helps him sleep, and then a few minutes later choosing the violent option gets him killed as opposed to what happens next where the commander threatens to start taking peoples eyeballs if they don't give up Gentry, and Arya looks up at him right next to her, and Gentry stands there nervously as if he's hoping they'll just fuck off or if he'll just turn himself in to at least spare these people, but Arya thinks fast and notices a certain something on the ground and tells the commander that they already got him, and looks over at the dead boy they just murdered who had taken Gentry's helmet with him, and says he loved that helmet, hmmmm quite the coincidence that those men were looking for a boy with that bullshead helmet that Arya wouldn't know they knew that and quite the coincidence that skinny boy happened to have it with him, nice writing, although I like the kino element of that soldiers cruelty coming back to bite them, if he hadn't just murdered a child for no reason then his unknown identity would have been a lot harder to use to fool them in this ancient time before everyone put their real name and face on facebook due to being fucking idiots, well pretty fucking fantastic episode, continues the interesting situations Jon and Theon are in but only in 2 scenes so they don't overstay their welcome with their relatively uncharismatic leads, introduces us to some new waifus with Brie and smirky lady, some very interesting developments of the awkward situation Renly finds himself in, some absolutely lovely jubbly elaborate mindgame gambit shenanigans with Tyrion and all three (and the old man kek) other master manipulators in Kingslanding aka best storyline, and some very good brutal violence and a nice wee bit of edge at the end there with Arya, and you know the best part? NO FUCKING DANY! exactly what I want from a Game of Thrones episode



Game of Thrones 2x04: "Garden of Bones"
50 Shades of Joffrey special edition
First aired: April 22, 2012

first scene is some it seems from their almost samurai armor Lannister soldiers discussing who would win in a fight, The Mountain or Jaime, which sounds like the kind of autistic thing the fans of this show would say, so maybe this is a little in-joke about a common debate online back when season 1 aired or something, and the thinner of the two says The Mountain because he's the biggest, but the fatter one says a bulls bigger than a lion but he wont pick it in a fight, and the other brings up maybe Loras Tyrell is the better fighter, but the fat one dismisses him as "prettier than the queen" lmao, I guess these two missed season 1 where he already got his fucking ass destroyed by The Mountain, and not in the way he might like, and this fat one brings the banter says "how good could he be? he's been stabbing Renly Baratheon for years and Renly ain't dead" hahahahahah, so I guess Renly's people aren't laughing at him just for not fucking his wife, but who's fucking him, and his skinny friend laughs at his banter, but then the fat one notices the horses acting a bit spooked, hears something out in the darkness, and they both put their hands on their swords and start looking around when.... THE FAT GUY FARTS MAKING HIS FRIEND JUMP! LMAO! IT WAS JUST A PRANK BRO! nice bit of bathos there and his friend calls him a prick as his friend mocks him but then his skinny friend says no there actually is something out there I think and his fat friend ignores him as he starts to take a piss but his friend suddenly screams his name, the fat guy looks up and hollers in terror as



A MASSIVE DIREWOLF DIVES ONTOP OF HIM KILLING HIM AS ROBB LOOKS ON SMIRKING OH SHIT



and all his men yell King of the North! and they all ride down into battle, nice almost slasher horror movie intro there to show how badass Robb is getting, then by the next morning we see the aftermath of their assault, since they don't have the budget to show a battle yet lmao, with I think one of the dudes we saw in the opening having had his intestines pulled out by the direwolf



and bunch of dead bodies being looted or their supplies like in a video game and men screaming from their injuries and Robb being told that five Lannisters died for every one of theirs and they are in the awkward position of not having enough food for their POWs but Robb insists to this Lord Bolton that they wont be executing prisoners since he's a moralfag Stark, and Bolton says perhaps the officers will give up intel and as they walk by priests from the Seven religion giving the dead their last rites this guy who's from a particularly edgy as fuck clan says "my family have a saying, a naked man has few secrets... a flayed man has none" oh I can feel the edge and you can see on his uniform that his family's sigil is actually an upside down flayed man lmao, ooh that's edgy (although to be faired the icon of the biggest religion on Earth in real life a billion people follow is literally a crusified man so... ok) but Robb says his father outlawed flaying and insists they're not torturing them and Lord Bolton gives him the good two-liner "the high roads very pretty, but you'll have a hard time marching your army down it" reminds me of the demented shaved ape streamer trainwrecks who tells anyone who disagrees with him that they're "highroading" him, whatever he thinks that means, and Robb, probably genuinely meaning to be a good guy, but realizing this guy wont respect him trying to be moral for its own sake, reasons that he doesn't want to give the Lannisters any excuse to abuse his sisters, to which Bolton understands and nods, and then we see an injured soldier screaming as his boot is taken off and a nurse and priest tells him they need to amputate his foot but he screams for them not to and Robb has to hold him down and tells him he doesn't want to watch and to bite down on a cloth so he doesn't bite his own tongue off as this nurse puts a strap around his fucked up leg and starts sawing off, that's some real nigga shit, I remember reading about the American civil war where there were piles of amputated legs and arms overflowing carts, and afterwards the nurse lady is shaming Robb for ordering that man to be attacked and having to lose his limb, and he defends it that he was fighting for the family who killed his father, kind of funny how this world is so fucked up that Robb simply being compassionate to a man who's leg he just took from him makes him a nicer person than every other lead who wouldn't give a shit or would just kill him or worse, and the nurse is like "you think hes friends with King Joffrey? he was a fishermans son, he'd never held a spear before they shoved one in his hands a few months ago" idk you can fish with a spear lel



and Robb tries to explain he has no hatred for the lad and the nurse just says "that'll help his foot grow back?" and moves on to her next patient and Robb stands there gobsmacked that a common woman would talk back to him like that but I guess she's had a fucking enough today and yeah she's right war is hell and all that but at least back then men who ordered war had to ride into it themselves they need to bring that shit back and Robb, flabbergasted with this woman's suspiciously out of place anti-war beliefs as if she was written by modern day writers to address modern day issues almost, tries to defend himself by asking if she'd just have them surrender to end all the bloodshed and live under the benevolent King Joffrey, and she just asks what'll he do after he kills Joffrey, and he admits idk go home lol because he's not going to sit on the Iron Throne himself, and she sums up "you're fighting to overthrow a king and yet you have no plan for what comes after?" *COUGH COUGH* AMERICA *COUGH COUGH*, and Robb says some dumb shit about how "first you have to win the war" since planning ahead too hard for his smooth brain and she just gives up and hops on a cart to ride off and Robb tells her that boy was lucky he was there and she says he was unlucky he was there heh rekt, to be honest I am pretty sure Robb is in the wrong here, he's the one waging war on the Lannisters, if he'd just do what his father would probably want him to do and forget about him none of this would be happening, and yeah Joffrey and Tywin are cunts who kill civvies for their own end but not on the scale that's happening now, and Robb admits he doesn't care who's in charge, so all the people that are going to get fucked by the winter is coming meme might even be worse off, see this is the problem with kings and presidents and shit, obviously if this was a situation just between individuals then yeah, of course if someone killed your father or going about killing kids you could take action against them, but when a head of state and their government does it suddenly you have to take into consideration all the soldiers under their command and all the civilians depending on them and that'd get caught in the cross fire, obviously the solution to this is to make assassinating leaders a way bigger thing, I mean not that I'm advocating that or anything I love innocent people dying and would never want it to stop

speaking of edgy incels we cut to Joffrey going full school shooter pointing a crossbow from in front of the Iron Throne down at Sansa kneeling on the floor with him telling her "you're here to answer for your brothers latest treasons!"



and she throws her brother under the bus swearing she had nothing to do with her "traitor brother", and maybe it's just these two are young inexperienced actors or maybe it's the goofy little golden crown, overly fancy clothes and ornate crossbow Joffrey has and the weird direct cut to him aiming it at the camera with tight shots as if something will be revealed in a wider shot but I honestly thought this was going to be a dream sequence or like a play Joffrey was making her put on or something but no its a serious situation and speaking of incels Joffrey commands the now Ser Lancel to tell her of this latest outrage, and he says that due to some vile sorcery her brother fell on Lannister men with an army of wolves and thousands of good men were butchered and after the slaughter the Northmen feasted on the flesh of the slain, and the crowd assembled in the throneroom gasp in horror, which in true grimdark fashion tenders Robb's good deed of not abusing the POWs moot as the Lannisters simply spread Fake News™ that they're fucking eating them anyway, and the southern capital accusing the Northerners of cannibilism reminds me of the legend of Sawney Bean in Scotland, a supposed cannibal who's family abducted and ate over 1000 people in the 16th century, which was probably anti-Scots propaganda (which hilariously Scotland fully embraced as a fucked up horror story and there are still tourist attractions and plays written about the Sawney clan to this day) from an English publication when some real Game of Thrones shit was going on with the Jacobite rebellion trying to take the throne, anyway this edgy little prick Joffrey struggles to keep his crossbow aimed down at Sansa deciding "killing you would send your brother a message..." as Sansa starts crying "but my mother insists on keeping you alive" like this absolute fedoralord isn't interested in her beyond wanting to be an edgy boi but mommy wont let him, literally like that meme from some spanish language dr. phil type show with the fat kid, you know the one, and he lowers his fancy crossbow, sits down on the Iron Throne and ponders how else to send a message... and decides on ordering his henchman to beat her again "but not the face, I like her pretty" and one of the guards punches her in the stomach but it's shot in a way where there's a candlestick in the way in the foreground but we do see him take out his sword and whack her with the broadside of it in the legs so she falls over which seems like a dangerous wife beating technique, and the crowd all gasps and looks around nervously as Joffrey says "my lady is overdressed, unburden her" ok here we go here's the edge and the guard tears Sansas dress open so she has to hold it to her breasts and The Hound shifts awkwardly as if he's constantly battling the urge to kill Joffrey himself lmao and he says some edgy shit about her screaming loud enough for Robb to hear her and the guard looks like he's about to hack at her with his sword which seems counter productive but he does the tv trope where he's interrupted mid-swing as if it wouldn't be impossible to stop the momentum of a heavy sword he swung that strong without going into it pulling his swing intentionally when Tyrion and Bronn interrupt and the crowd parts as he marches through and Joffrey bricks it because despite all his power he's still a complete boychild scared of his 3 foot tall uncle and Tyrion admonishes the knight for beating a defenceless girl who does the just following orders meme, damn these people really need the holocaust to defeat that argument, and Tyrion shames Joffrey for abusing his would-be wife and uses his paranoia against him by bringing up what happened to the last Mad King and the kingsguard guy gets triggered and tells Tyrion not to threaten the king and puts his hand on his sword but Tyrion just glances at him like manipulating an oaf like him is not even worth his time since he'll do whatever Joffrey wants anyway so just keep focusing on him and tells Bronn that next time he speaks, kill him



lmao and even though he's surrounded by the best guards in the city Bronn just smiles at the kingsguard and Tyrion is like "I'm just educating my nephew, that was a threat, see the difference?" and the guy bricks it like he's a bitch not ready to die, and it seems like Bronn at least wants people to think that he only fights for money, but I guess the implication here is Tyrion has such influence over Joffrey that his personal guard could kill a kingsguard and be let away with it, and Tyrion helps up Sansa and Joffrey stands up super rustled but doesn't say shit, and even though Tyrion gives her the chance to take his help Sansa insists she's loyal to King Joffrey, and Tyrion stops in his tracks amazed as he realizes her dedication to The Game Of Thrones™ and says to himself in a way people only do in tv shows "Lady Stark, you may survive us yet" and Bronn's amazing insight into the situation is that Joffrey is "backed up from balls to brains" LMAO HES CALLING HIM AN INCEL!!! and Tyrion asks "you think dipping his wick will cure what ails him?" and Bronn says, as poiniently as he can, "there's no cure for being a cunt, but the boys at that age" sulis and points out "all hes got to do all day is pick wings off flies, couldn't help to get some of the poison out" I was actually just wondering about Joffrey's sexuality, since you'd think someone reveling in power as him would be getting his end away, maybe there's some taboo about fucking his wife before they're married but no one bats and eye at the powerful whoring in this city, maybe he just hasn't hit puberty yet or is asexual, or maybe due to his upbringing and having not a oner but a double dose of the ol Lannister genes lmao he's so emotionally fucked he can only process le benis in bagina urges through physical violence since he's never seen an adult relationship demonstrated for him that wasn't based around resentment, but either way I am pretty sure Bronn is wrong and he's not just sexually frustrated since he could have any woman in the city he wants including Sansa and he probably just has some wife beater shit going on where he subconsciously or not so subconsciously hates his mother so takes it out on the woman he has control over



well we're about to find out since later on Joffrey comes back to his chambers and snarls "what are you doing here DOG" to The Hound, who I'm guessing he resents because he doesn't have his cooler older brother as his bodyguard or something vain like that, who tells him his uncle left his nameday present for him, hmmm I wonder what that is, and Joffrey looks scared at the door nervously as if he's expecting it to be an assassin or something but The Hound tells him to go in and check, and of course it's a cag eating an apple in bed and Ros starts to flirt with him and touch his benis through his clothes but he recoils and says "no!" clearly uncomfortable but tries to reassert himself by telling her "her, touch her" and watches slackjawed as Ros undresses the cag and starts kissing her naked body and, uh oh, Joffrey suddenly seeming engaged as if he's just realized he can ask "could you hit her?" and the cags having heard it all before, or so they think, giggle and try to make it some sensual fun where she bends over and has Ros spank her as he asks if his uncle sent them and when they say yes he goes "hmm" as if that engages his darker side even more like he's pissed at his uncle interfering with his business and wants to take it out on someone so he goes up behind this bent over naked whore and takes off his belt.... but then gives it to Ros and tells her to use this lmao, and her face falls as she starts to catch on what kind of man Joffrey is but plays along like its stil fun and slaps her with it and the cag moans, but Joffrey tells her harder, and Ros has to really whip her with it and the cag yelps and JOFFREY GRABS ROS BY THE FACE AND TELLS HER "HARDER"



and Ros has to BEAT the cags ass who starts crying for real and Joffrey, realizing he can do whatever he wants, picks up a thankfully unlit tortch and offers it to Ros as the whore looks on in horror and Ros tries to reason that "your grace, too much pain will spoil the pleasure" but he doesn't even reply and just starts... preparing his crossbow, and the girls realize what serious shit they're in and she tries warning him "your grace, if your uncle finds out" but Joffrey says "oh but I want him to find out, you'll bring her to his chambers once you're finished, and show him what you've done, or the same thing will happen to you... begins" and aims the crossbow at her and Ros steels herself knowing this is the only way they both get out of their alive and starts beating the whores ass with the heavy torch, wew laddy, it seems like its not a sexual thing to him at all, he just likes hurting people and has the fun opportunity to abuse some women and use it to get back at his uncle for trying to manipulate him, I suppose he has such a dysfunctional relationship with his mother that he can't even express sexual sadism to women, anyway good scene that elaborates more on Joffrey's character and is a nice inversion of the usual dumb trope in movies and shows where an older man arranges for a younger man to get laid and it's le ebin sexy times for the cringy male fantasy of getting sex with zero effort but here it completely backfires, thanks Bronn for your obviously retarded jack the lad advice, and I guess this is gonna hit Tyrion harder than usual since he has a soft spot for cags, yes I am just using "cag" as a synonym for whores



then back at Renly's army on the coast he comes marching along with Brie and 6 other guards all wearing helmets since they're not player characters and greets CIA as his "favorite whoremonger" and CIA tries to hide his rustlement at being talked down to by a man of higher status than him and joins him in his tent and Renly shames him for flipping his loyalties to the Lannisters so quickly and tells him "I dont like you, I dont like your face" well he's not going to like /tv/ memes and he tells him to get on with it and CIA looks shiftily at Brie wondering about her and Renly says she's the most loyal because she's loyal without pay, yeah sounds like someone that's very easy to bribe actually lmao, and Renly suspects that CIA is coming to him because he suspects he'll successfully take Kingslanding and doesn't want to get beheaded and CIA offers him the choice between a protracted siege or open gates, fucking cheeky cunt, although I presume that's why Tyrion sent him at all because he knows CIA will sell out to the most likely winner and he's setting some sort of trap for Renly now he's figured him and the North are allying so if he gets Renly by the balls, maybe literally if getting him on the throne is their only chance for not being oppressed by Tywin or Stannis, that team will have to release Jaime, oh I love a bit of the ol political scheming, that's why UK politics is so dank because there's so many different parties all doing alliances and combating each other while in america there's not really a democracy at all and they just take it in turns to switch parties every 2 years who carry out policies that would be identical to any other country lmao

then we see Margarie walking with her brother who spots CIA and he kisses her but only on the cheek since they're seemingly the only brother and sister pair not fucking in this show (unfortunately) and walks off to let her do her thing and she just so happens to walk by CIA who has a chat to her where she gossips about "accidentally" walking in on officers undressed because trying to find her tent she's such a slut and CIA catching on that she doesn't share a tent with her husband and when she senses him sniffing around in her marriage she brings up his bachelor status and he says "I've been unlucky in my affections, sadly" literally ye olde beta orbiter, in fact that's a theme in this show, all the most powerful men are some sort of incel, with Varys being the most influential because he's been retaining his mana by doing nofap for 40 years straight, and Marg gets snippy with him and asserts her loyalty to Renly and CIA just smirks as he knows there's some juicy blackmail material in there somewhere



then in, oh no, a desert, we see one of Dany's men riding back to their group that should really be dead from exposure now to tell her that he's met with the Qarth who replaced his horse that presumably didn't make it rip and would be honored to receive "the Mother of Dragons", great, another title for Dany to be given so she can have influence with zero character development needed, amazing, and Jorah warns that the desert around their gates is called "the garden of bones" because when they shut you out the garden grows, edgy stuff



then we see Arya and the other captured travellers being taken to what seems to have been a huge castle tower that's been somehow burnt to the ground, and the fat kid asks Arya "what kind of fire melts stone", and she says "dragon fire", and the blacksmith kid who's name I already forgot says "they're all dead" well at the moment they are since they don't have the CGI budget to show Dany's dragons mid-season, and the fat kid smells something weird and Arya says "dead people" and then inside we see the soldiers clipping their handcuffs onto chains to keep them in place and an old woman watches someone screaming off-screen from what sounds like rope attached to horses pulling him apart or something and when he stops the old lady says "that was my son... my sister was three days ago... my husband the day before that" and the blacksmith kid realizes they take someone every day and Arya asks "does anyone live?" but no one replies, not sure what's going on here I guess they take people here to murder them since they seem to have bought her bullshit about them already having killed their target and then that night in a muddy slavepen Arya is muttering "Joffrey... Cersei... Ilyn Payne..." good name for an executioner "The Hound" over and over again having taken on that dead guys habit of meditating on revenge before going to bed



but she's left out one important name, who we cut to, CIA, coming to speak to, uh oh, Cat, who accuses him of betraying Ned and CIA passionately defends himself saying he begged him to become protector of the realm but Cat aint fucking buying it and accuses him of being a traitor and orders him out and CIA pathetically whines that he's loved her since he was a boy but as soon as he grabs her arm CAT GRABS A DAGGER and screams at him to get out and he bricks it knowing she ain't playing and will drop him if he tries anything and he almost pussies out but then he realizes his best play and says "do you want to see your girls again?" and lies that both girls are healthy and safe... for now... and poor Cat realizes he might be her best chance to save her daughters and regretfully puts the dagger down as she realizes he's only saying this to get leverage over her and just asks what he wants and CIA offers a trade for Jaime but Cat knows Robb cant do it, and CIA says that's why he's coming to her, because she's a mother, and would do anything for her kids, and Cat gets upset but CIA says hes got a gift and gets two priest dudes to bring in a chest, and Cat tentatively goes to open it expecting it to be a dead body or some shit... and it is, but in a nice way, it's Ned's bones so they can give him a funeral, and she tears up and just tells CIA to get out but this time more sensitively and CIA having at least some idea of how to treat someone you claim to love leaves respectfully

then we see Arya and the other prisoners being woken up by the Lannister troops and the fat man warns her the man who picks who dies is coming and Arya recognizes... THE MOUNTAIN, who comes stomping up to the pen and the fat kid stares at him and Arya whispers wtf u doin and the fat kid says the guy next to him says he stares at him everyday and that's why he doesn't get picked so he's trying that, and in the characters first episode he was played by an Australian actor called, appropriately, Conan Stevens who according to an interview is "seven feet or 210 centimetres tall", except 210cm is 6'10", but I can't blame him since american measuring systems are retarded, who was going to play a main orc in The Hobbit trilogy but they replaced him with a CGI model lmao and they've recast him here too where The Mountain is played by a Welsh actor called Ian Whyte, who's fucking seven foot one, except he's noticeably thinner in his frame and face, I guess because the last guy to play him was a professional wrestler and this dude is a professional basketball player which calls for a different body type, and he's mostly in the shadows as he walks back and fourth I guess to try to obscure it's a different actor



and The Mountain picks... the dude next to the fat kid who's been staring at him every day and the fat kid LITERALLY pisses himself realizing his theory was wrong, at least he had the balls to try it I guess, and we see the man being tied to a chair and a soldier asks him if there's any gold, silver or gems in the village and he says no but when he asks where "the brotherhood" is and the guy says no to that he nods to The Mountain who... gets some metal bucket with straps to it... and opens up a cage of rats and stuffs one inside and the soldier keeps asking over and over again where the brotherhood is but the man keeps saying he doesn't know getting more and more scared as The Mountain takes up his shirt and straps the bucket with the rat to him and the man swears he doesn't know anything but The Mountain picks up a flaming torch and holes it to the metal bucket and the man starts looks down in horror as he realizes THE RAT IS TRYING TO BURROW ITS WAY OUT THROUGH HIS CHEST, WAIT A SECOND, THIS IS A TORTURE SCENE RIPPED OFF FROM 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS LMAO!!! and the man suddenly starts giving up a Butcher and his son as people who "helped the villagers" and the soldier thanks him for being helpfull but... lets The Mountain (at least I think its him since the actor changed and I can barely tell everyone apart as it is lis) keep burning the bucket and the man continues to be dug into by the rat, I'll keep the edge meter away since it's establishing they are still grilling these people for info on whatever the situation is, if only we knew what was going on so we could tell if that guy was just serving up some random man to try to save himself, and as I've said before throughout history that's the real purpose of torture, to get innocent people to just give false confessions so your guys can keep getting paid to go about abusing people, since there's some quite funny psychological things that go on with someone in extreme pain where even if he actually did know the info they wanted he might not say it if he thought they wouldn't believe it or it would make them hurt him worse, he'll just say whatever he thinks they'll like to hear and will make them stop even if it's bullshit, I remember reading an old field-guide for the CIA on how to interrogate people during the cold war and it basically summed up the best way to get reliable intel was to just bribe people since you're probably working in an impoverished shithole lmao, then later that night Arya does her edgy mantra again when she sees an old woman begging someone called Polliver for some food and being beaten... so she adds Polliver and The Mountain to her list of people to kill, maybe this is the kind of thing you should just be thinking instead of saying out loud while you're their captives lis, reminds me of the themes from MGS about how humans reproduce by genes but also memes, e.g. you can survive after your death from having children and passing on your DNA to them or by spreading your ideas to others, and even though that guys dead, his life philosophy is still in effect in the world, really makes ya think



then we see a parlay between, ooh, Stannis and Renly's forces, where there are guards standing on the hilltops flying flags from both their sides, Renly's with a stag with a crown around its neck to show he's King and Stannis is the same symbol also with the crown except it's on a flaming heart to show that he supports Satanism or whatever the Red Lady's religion is now, and by a beautiful seaside hill that looks very celtic probably filmed in Ireland we see Stannis has the Red Lady on his right and Davos on his left, and Renly has his brother-in-law lover on his right and Lady Stark on his left, funny that they both have their lovers on their right hand, as they stare each other down on horseback, and Renly starts talking shit about Stannis infringing his banner copyright and memes that it's good he tweaked it a bit because if they used the exact same banner the battle would be terribly confusing, and he asks genuinely why it's got a flaming heart, and the Red Lady explains it's the Lord of Light, and Renly looks the fire priestess up and down and says "ooh brother, now I understand why you found religion in your old age" and Stannis says "watch it", any other character would probably tease him back about his own relations but I guess Stannis is not one for banter or manipulations, but Renly says he's relieved that he's not really a fanatic, since he might be "charmless, rigid, and a bore, but not a godly man" I kinda like how Stannis is just some regular quiet guy and doesn't have an over the top smug manipulator or cocky badass persona like every other character, kind of reminds me of Dick Channey who was probably the most powerful man to ever live at one point in time but has a completely serious, po-faced introverted personality rather than all the hotshot extroverted power players surrounding him



and the Red Lady tells Renly he should be bowing because Stannis is their lord and savoir born amongst salt and smoke and Renly's like "salt and smoke? what is he? a ham?" lmao and Cat tells them if they were her boys she'd lock them in a bedchamber until they remembered they were brothers, which is typical mom talk since Stannis is not even saying anything lmao, and he says he's surprised to see her on his brothers side since her husband lost his head supporting him, and Cat says they have a common enemy but Stannis insists the Iron Throne is his by right, and he's sort of right if it wasn't for Gentry running around, and Renly, who I am pretty sure doesn't have much of a temperament for power especially with his need for privacy and is probably just being egged on to take the throne by his wife, lover and whoever their father is, seems more interested in squabbling with his brother who he seems to resent than argue his own claim, and just points out that the whole realm denies him from Dorne to the Wall, and says that he never wanted any friends (lis @ Stannis characterization so far literally just being some quiet guy who'd probably be happier being a librarian or something) but friends equal power, and we see a shot of the scowling pretty boy as if his father is someone real important, and Stannis simply gives him one night to reconsider going against him and he'll give him his old seat on the counsel and name him his heir until he has a son and we see a shifty Red Lady beside him, kind of like this almost feminist theme going on here where behind every power hungry man is an equally power hungry woman using what little power she has in this world, her reproductive abilities, to rise right up to the top, which seems like a risky move since Renly could just agree and then have him poisoned to be King lul, "otherwise I will destroy you", and Cat looks worried at Renly, hoping that they can work together, but Renly, maybe not giving much of a shit about his future since he has his gayness hanging over his head that could be exposed and destroy his life at any time so fuck it YOLO, talks shit to his big brother about having more men, and Stannis just says we'll see and ride off and the Red Lady does the "the night is dark and full of terrors" meme as they leave, and Renly says "can you believe I loved him once?" and rides off, I'm not sure what Renlys supporters all think his claim is, I guess just that Stannis is such a charmless aspie he couldn't inspire pride at a childrens KKK rally



then with Dany we see her and her 20 odd slaves outside a city's walls and 21 soldiers with spears and shields like some spartan shit approach them with their leaders behind them and Jorah tells her it's because they're a Dorthraki hoard as if to imply to her that that's how to play this like they have more danger and power to them than a bunch of starving dipshits, and the fat leader guy already has her doxx and introduces himself as a "trader of spices", one of the members of the Thirteen leaders of Qarth, and Dany tries to suck up to him but mispronounces their city name lisssss



and the fat guy immediately wants to see the dragons but she can tell they might just merc them for them and tries to bargain for sanctuary but the fat fuck keeps prying in a very saccharine way and when Dany tries to play it le fierce and independent queen but he's just like oh ok then bye and goes to abandon them to die outside in the desert because "Qarth didn't become the greatest city that ever was or ever will be by letting Dothraki savages through its gates" lmao BUILD THE WALL and Jorah can tell Dany is getting raged up to do something and asked her to be careful and Dany goes full edgemaster ranting about how when her dragons are grown she'll get revenge on everyone to ever wrong her and they'll lay waste to armies and burn cities to the ground, she is literally like the angsty kid in class who talks about how he could do a school shooting next year and this seems like a good way to get her and all her people murdered right now so that that cant happen and it'd be all her fault for threatening their people and Jorah just winces like "yeah I know she's edgy I have bad taste in women sorry"



and the fat man quips "ah, you truly are a Targaryan, but as I said, you'll all die out here... so..." lmao and just goes to leave but then a huge black dude is like AYO WHITE BOI, YALL SCARED OF THIS LIL WHITE GURL? DAMN YALL PUSSY ASS, and the fat guy says "the discussion is over, Xaro Xhoan Daxos", nice name with XXX in it cant wait for him to BLACK.COM Dany, who of course excuses Dany because she is conveniently the Mother of Dragons and he was once considered a savage himself (nice role for our second black actor after the last one was a thieving rapist, good stuff) and is so instantly dedicated to her he makes a blood oath by slitting his palm to vouch for her, and the fat guy says fine but its on your head, literally, and they open their gates to reveal this huge fancy ancient African style city (yes, they had huge cities like this in ancient Africa, we WUZ kangs afterall (just not Egyptians))



and then we get an extremely gory shot of a guy hammering the dude who was being tortured's severed fucking head onto a pyke over the slaves cuckshed and unfortunately up next is Gentry who gets tied to the chair and asked about gold or silver, and he says "I'm not from the village" and the inquisitor as if he doesn't even actually care asks "where is the brotherhood?" he says "I don't know what that is" and then the rats come out and get strapped to his chest but then TYWIN LANNISTER and his personal guard comes riding in the front door and starts grilling one of the guards about killing these able bodied and skilled laborers who doesn't even reply back to him and Tywin nods as if hes got the right picture of how to respond to him, not at all, and then he walks into the slaves area and asks Gentry if he has a trade, and he says smith m'lord, as Arya eyes a guards sword as if she's finna bouta lunge for it, but one of the guards catches her and orders her to kneel in front of her lord, but Tywin stops him and says "this ones a girl, you idiot" lmao yes thank you this trope of girls pretending to be boys is retarded since its always obvious (no offence to traps and reverse traps) although it did actually happen in real life so I guess real life people are also retarded or were just very woke and didn't want to misgender them, and Arya says it's because it's safer to travel m'lord and Tywin smiles like he has an appreciation for the tenacity of poorer children unlike his own spoiled soft cunt kids and tells her "smart, unlike these lot" and the guard looks shook as if Tywin might just have him killed but he just orders them to put the slaves to work, with Arya being his new cupbearer! oh shit



and then back in Kingslanding Tyrion has a visit from his cousin Incel, who's awfully scowly and serious looking now he's a Knight, and hands over a warrant from Cersei to release Pycelle, and Tyrion starts playing with Incel asking why she'd send him for such a serious matter, sensing his insecurities, causing him to march into his office to argue with him, and Tyrion says she must trust him to let him into her chambers during "the hour of the wolf" which makes Incel freeze up, I thought that was a reference to her time of the month or something rofl but I guess he just means when the Starks could be plotting against her, and he sniffs at her and smells... Cersei's perfume! wait a fucking second, no hang on, so it was Lancel she was sleeping with last season, and not the Knight of Roses guy? oh fucking hell, why do white people have to all look the same, CERSEI IS FUCKING HER OWN COUSIN TOO? INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 5 bloody hell mate ok, my mistake, Tyrion spells it out, and asks if Cersei knighted him before or after she took him into her bed, lmao, guess he ain't no incel anymore! and Lancel clams up, bricking it that Tyrion figured them out so soon, and he teases his silence, and Lancel grabs at his dagger and yells at him to withdraw his ghastly accusations, and Tyrion puts the fear of the seven gods into him by asking what Joffrey would have to say when he finds out he's been bedding his mother, and Lancel sits down realizing how much trouble he's in, and blurts out that it's not his fault, and Tyrion walks up, now eye level with his quarry, and asks "did she take you against your will? can you not defend yourself, knight?" hey don't victim blame, and Lancel tries to justify it by saying Tywin told him to obey her in everything, and Tyrion asks "did he tell you to fuck her too?", and squeals the just following orders meme again, and Tyrion mocks him saying oh my sisters spread open legs must have been terrible, makes me wonder if even he's had a go at some stage, and he pretends to be going off to tell Joffrey and Lancel drops to his knees begging and pleading swearing he'll leave the city, and Tyrion, seeing he's at his mercy, tells him no, what he'll do is stay by Cersei's side and keep her trust... pleasure her whenever she requires... and no one will need to know as long as he keeps faith with him and tells him everyone he learns about who Cersei talks to and what they say, and Lancel looks down dejected realizing how fucked he is and agrees to at least buy himself a bit longer life, and Tyrion tells him to enjoy his sister for the good of the realm and that he begs her forgiveness and will release Pycelle as long as he's not allowed back on the counsel and quips about how he'd say he hasn't harmed a hear on his head but that wouldn't strictly speaking be true, lul, wonder how long it'll take an old man like that to grow his beard back, I guess Tyrion didn't care that much about Pycelle's loyalties and just wanted to get Cersei shook that he can fuck over anyone more loyal to her than him at his discretion



then on Stannis' ship, I presume one of the new ones he got from the pirates, with a stag-head mast, he's talking to Davos about his "knucklebones" bringing him luck, referring to his fingers he cut off, and Davos gets awkward and jokes its four less fingernails to clean, and Stannis corrects him that it's "fewer", not less, exactly the kind of autistic pedantic shit my dad says lmao, and, oh jesus, Stannis says he never understood why Davos has to wear them, I cant see where but it seems Davos is wearing his own fingerbones as jewlery or something, which is off-putting even to the man who cut them off lmao, but Davos says it reminds him of his justice and at least he was good with a cleaver, and Stannis says he was a hero and a smuggler, a good act doesn't wash out the bad act, nor a bad act the good, so I guess hes got a more black and white moral thinking than most in Westeros, and then they talk about how Davos son doesn't listen to him but does the Red Lady, but Stannis, now getting his dick wet finally since this whole thing rotates around who's an incel and who isn't, wont hear anything against her, and tells Davos he wants him to be a smuggler again... with the Red Lady... and Davos, who's sceptical of her, says he's loyal but asks another way, which makes me wonder if he wants her killed or something

and then we see Davos taking a rowing boat with the Red Lady ashore and she asks "are you afraid, Onion Knight?" I guess he was smuggling onions or something lol, wait isn't that a wii game or something? no I'm thinking of Shovel Knight, and he quips "someone once told me the night was dark and full of terrors" and she smiles with open amusement of his discomfort and starts asking him smugly if he's a good or bad person and he says, I guess agreeing with Stannis' world view, that there's good and bad parts but she tells him "half a rotten onion is all a rotten onion" and then brags about what a good and holy person she is as they come ashore, and she starts prying into his marriage saying she heard he's been with other women, and he tells her not to talk about his wife, but she tells him "you want me, and to see whats beneath this robe... and you will" as Davos stare at her like he wishes he had a god to give him strength right about now, and then the two of them walk into a cave as she says some pretentious shit about how shadows serve the Lord of Light as they come to metal bars, and then she takes off her robe to reveal SHES ALREADY HEAVILY PREGNANT and Davos says "gods protect us!" and she says some Captain America shit "there's only one god, ser davos, and his name is allah!" no she doesn't say the last part



but the lantern Davos was carrying suddenly lights up and the Red Lady lays down on her robe and SHE STARTS GIVING BIRTH AND WE SEE SOMETHING WRIGGLING AROUND HER BELLY AS DAVO'S BACKS THE FUCK UP IN HORROR AS SHE GIVES BIRTH TO... SOME SORT OF SMOKE MONSTER!!!! SOME FUCKING HARRY POTTER DEMENTOR SHADOW SKELETON THING CRAWLS OUT OF HER AND FORMS INTO A HUMANOID IN FRONT OF THEM AND THEN SPREADS DARKNESS ALL OVER THE SCREEN ok what le fuck, what is this, fucking LOST?



like I've already said about the zombies and dragons, we could do without the supernatural elements in a supposed grim and gritty world, but we're in full fantasy now, when before the magic shit the lady Dany burned supposedly did could have not been supernatural at all, maybe dragons are just certain types of animal or something and maybe the zombies are just a virus or something, but I guess we're whole hog into supernatural territory now and we're meant to think Stannis actually is some prophesized hero if he can sire that, or maybe it's entirely her doing and anyone's cum would do the trick, alright onto the next episode where I'm sure we'll not see that thing or ever again, well if I learned anything from Lost we'll never learn what it is, if the writers tell you we will they're fucking lying and the best guess is nanomachines, son





Game of Thrones 2x05: "The Ghost of Harrenhal"
smoke monster special edition
First aired: April 29, 2012

we find Cat swearing to Renly that her son has no interest in the Iron Throne and he casually sips his cup considering if he can trust her and decides that then there's no reason for hostility them and Robb can go on calling himself King of the North... as long as he swears loyalty to him like Ned did to Rob 18 years ago, so not exactly a free North, and Cat asks what they get in return, and Renly says in the morning he'll destroy his brothers army and then Stark and Bathereon can fight their common enemy together like the good old days, would seem smarter of him to ally with the Starks right now so they can help him against Stannis right now, and Cat implores him to negotiate a peace with Stannis, but he's sure his brother won't listen, because he'd have better luck debating the wind, and tells her to please give his regards to her son as they could end this war in a fortnight (duo vs duo shotguns only duel) if they came together but then OH SHIT THE SMOKE MONSTER COMES SLITHERING INTO THE TENT AND BRIE STANDS THERE IN SHOCK AS IT FORMS INTO A HUMAN SHAPE BEHIND RENLY AND... STABS HIM THROUGH THE HEART WITH A BLADE MADE OF SHADOW!!! WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCK?!!?!



AND IT ROARS LIKE "NOTHIN PERSONNEL, FAG"



AND BRIE SCREAMS NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!



AS THE SMOKE MONSTER TURNS ITS HEAD TO LOOK AT CAT AS IT DISSIPATES AND RENLY COLLAPSES IN HER ARMS SPITTING UP BLOOD



AND TWO OF HIS OTHER BODYGUARDS COME IN, THINK BRIE DID IT, YELL "YOU'LL DIE FOR THIS!" AND ATTACK HER, AND CAT TRIES TO STOP THEM BUT THEY'RE ALREADY SWORD FIGHTING BRIE WHO TRIES TO KNOCK THEM AWAY AT FIRST BUT THEY KEEP GETTING BACK UP AND HE'S FORCED TO SLASH ONE OF THEM AND RAM HER SWORD DOWN ONE OF THEIR BACKS



to be fair Brie is quite the suspicious character as if Stannis knew Renly would have a soft spot for a usually discriminated female fighter and give into her request so she can get some alone time with him and then he drops dead stabbed in the back on her first night with him alone and Cat stands there like h-holy shit and Brie looks at the three dead bodies around her realizing her life has gone from her biggest dream to her worst nightmare in about 10 seconds and she drops to her knees and cries over Renly's corpse in absolute agony that she failed to protecc the first and last guy to ever give her a chance at being an honerable soldier and Cat tries to get her to flee as there's yelling outside but she wont listen until Cat says she cant avenge him if she's dead, which snaps her out of it and immediately gets her thinking tactically on the right exit to take, ok, what the absolute F U C K was that, not only are we now operating on fully supernatural rules but they are EXTREMELY OVER POWERED where between all these realistically warring armies that need to keep their numbers, positioning, alliances and popular support in mind... one of them can spawn an invincible T-3000 shadow monster to flawlessly hunt down and assassinate anyone they want lmao, ah yes, very compelling storytelling, brilliant, and before any fucking retard says well you can say that about any sci-fi or fantasy story, like you didn't bitch about the smoke monster on Lost killing people, that's because it's obviously a supernatural mystery from the get-go and didn't sell itself as some extremely brutally realistic thriller where everything has le real consequences, that was some fucking jump the shark shit sorry, now Brie's story is retarded since it's not like an assassin framed or her something and she can just hunt him down to prove it, she's absolutely fucked for the rest of the story since for some reason no one believes in magic anymore so she cant exactly prove the truth to exonerate herself, and yeah its all nice and shocking to have Renly, an interesting character with lots more mileage of drama to wring out of his situation, to be killed off unceremoniously, but why the fuck should I care about any other discussion about alliances in the future of a fucking smoke monster can just pop in and delete someone's character because it'd suit Stannis or whoever else has access to this undefined magic? what is the subtext I am meant to read into real world events here? the closeted gay man got killed by being penetrated from behind by a dark figure so it represents AIDS? absolute dogshit tbqh, fuck off, show ruined

then we see Stannis fleet at sea, which I guess Davos and the Red Lady leaving implies that she can only birth that thing in that specific cave or at least the thing cant travel over water, and we see CIA looking out towards it and probably realizing he needs to leg it as the whole Renly army is running around like headless chickens in fury having heard their king has been murdered in no fit state to fight, and we see the pretty boy sitting beside his body welling up in tears as his sister tries to get him to leave but he wont listen and when CIA comes in to warn them that Stannis is coming he tells him to leave but CIA warns him that Renlys bannermen will all switch to the other Bathereon brother and rush to be the first to sell his wife to him, and the brother-in-law draws his sword and accuses CIA of wanting that privilege for himself, but CIA says he's talking to him not Stannis, I guess because he knows Stannis is a hard man to manipulate and maybe he'd rather get favor with their father or something, and Marge accuses Brie of killing Renly but the brother accuses her of not believing that and it's obviously Stannis and he starts ranting about how he'll avenge him, so CIA reasons with him that he needs to play this smart if he wants revenge but he wont listen or leave Renly's side, not bothering to hide his affection for him any more, which I guess was genuine after all, until his sister starts telling him the same thing, and he finally leaves without saying anything, and as soon as she's gone Marge stops acting so sympathetic and just tells CIA that Renly wasn't ever really a king, but she never wanted to be a queen either... she wants to be THE queen, very feminist, and she looks over at CIA and smiles as if to suggest an alliance as they have common interests, and he fights to hide a smirk as he's getting what he wished for



then we see Cersei creepily watching some teenage girls giggling away playing a blindfold game in the city gardens as if she resents their carefree youth as Tyrion debriefs her on Renly's death saying it's unclear what happened but most accounts implicate Catherine Stark in some way and some say it was one of his kingsguard and others say Stannis did it himself at an unsuccessful parley and a rather sloshed Cersei raises her glass to whoever did it, but Tyrion warns Varys says Renly's army is flocking to support Stannis, so he now has superiority over them on land and sea, but Cersei says CIA says they can outspend him three to one (I suppose their differing agendas here is Varys seems to want Westeros united against an outside force and not infighting while CIA just wants to arrange a situation where he can fuck Cat which might involve fucking over the Lannisters for her) very smugly, I guess she didn't like Renly, although I'm not sure we ever saw them talking one on one, but when Tyrion says their father raised her to have too much respect for money her face immediately looks like a slapped arse as an irishman would say like she can only be happy for literally one second, and Tyrion starts warning they could be overrun and Cersei gets bitchy saying he wants to send her daughter away to Dorne, I guess no one has revealed to her that that was all a le ebin ruse, but Tyrion keeps it up just to keep a threat over her or maybe scared to find out what she'll do when she finds out it was just a prank dude, but Cersei starts ranting about his schemes and plots so maybe she's onto it, and tells him the King has already taken charge of siege preparations, and Tyrion is like uhhhhhhhh excuse me but Cersei clams up and says its the Kings royal prerogative to withhold sensitive information from his counsellors like she knows they're all fucked anyway so might as well be a cunt to her brother who prides himself on always knowing what's going on, then out in the streets we see Bronn standing guard over a tiny little tent Tyrion presumably has himself carried around by servants in and he's making Lancel meet him there who has to scrunch his knees up lmao and he's leaking him the intel that Joffrey's big masterplan is to use "wildfire", and Tyrion grills him for the full truth by asking "if the vile allegations against my brother and sister are true, do you think that would make Jaime less or more likely to kill you?" lmao, as if since Jaime is committing incest with Cersei too he'd be more understanding of Lancel doing it, but he swears that the Alchemists guild has already made it and are preparing to fire it from the city walls at his ships and armies, I'm guessing this is like ye olde napalm or something, or at least that's what he heard her saying to the "pyromancer", nice new class that's been unlocked, and Tyrion says even torturing him is boring, kicks him out, and makes him ask Bronn to kill him if anything happens to him, which he does, the cuck, which Bronn finds very amusing



then with Stannis' new/Renly's old army Davos is giving Stannis his condolences but Stannis don't give a fuck, I guess Davos hesitance before hand was because they both knew what she could do, which you'd think would make Davos less of an atheist since you know... HER RELIGION IS DEMONSTRATIVELY FUCKING REAL, and he is shook about what he saw in that cave, but Stannis wont listen as it got results, and Davos can tell his brother is under the Red Lady's thrall, who used his drive for power against him to intoxicate him, and I guess uh their heir is uh... well... congrats to Stannis the lucky father, its a smoke monster! and he can also tell this is some evil satanic shit that'll blowback on them but he needs to bide his time if he's to get his master to see sense, so he asks when they sail for Kings Landing, and Stannis plans out his campaign on his map moving about chess pieces as he explains it, and Davos tries to tell him if he takes Kingslanding with the Red Lady by his side the victory will be hers, but Stannis just questions his loyalty as he autistically plays with his figurines and tells him to give him the hard truths, and since this show has immediately turned to shit and Davos cant actually tell him the truth because he'll sound insane what with being from a suddenly very badly written tv show where supernatural things exist but no one believes them he has to address how people believe hes the one taking orders from the Red Lady and warns him not to lose Renly's bannermen to her... and he actually listens and says they'll march on Kingslanding without her... but Davos will be leading their ships in the attack, which he claims he's not qualified for, but Stannis says hard truths cut both ways and he'll hang any of the lords who disagree, and Davos just shuts up and leaves knowing this is the best he'll get and Stannis looks down resigned as if he knows deep down it wont end well

then back at Kingslanding Tyrion is talking to Bronn about how fucked they are in the war now as bazaar stall owners try to sell him snakes and mangos and shit and Bronn suggests his father save them but Tyrion says he's too busy getting humiliated by Robb Stark, lmao, and they come upon ye olde edgy shitposting public speaker denouncing, uh oh, the corruption of their society, who surprisingly the city guard just walk past as he's calling them swollen, bloated, foul as brother and sister sleep in the bed of the king and we're surprised when the fruit of their incest is rotten, and a crowd of commoners cheer and laugh in support as he decries the rotten king, and Tyrion is surprised to see such open disloyalty especially considering what Joffrey does to people who meme on him but he agrees to Bronn that the king is a lost cause especially what he did to his birthday present, and Tyrion approves of the speakers great imagination as he mocks the king for dancing down the halls in bloody robes to the tune of his demon monkey until Bronn points out that he's talking about him lmao, and then that the people are blaming HIM for controlling Joffrey, and Tyrion's upset since he's the one trying to save them, wtf I hate heightism now, and Bronn walks off saying he doesn't need to convince him leaving le open storyline of Tyrion trying to win back public favor



then we see Theon swagger up to the seaside with a self-satisfied grin on his face as he's in his family's official armor as he looks out at his... one ship... he's been allotted, and then he sees his men, the crew of the *sniggers* Sea Bitch approaching, and starts to talk to them but they ignore him, and he yells at them that their captain commands them to stop and THEY JUST LAUGH AT HIM LMAO and one asks where they're headed, and he orders them to raid a certain village promising them riches and women if they do their jobs well, but this big fat guy walks up to him telling him "I have been reaving and raping since before you left Balon's balls, Captain" as the other men laugh at him, wow very edgy, and he starts talking shit about overthrowing Theon right to his face who doesn't say shit until he walks away and then Theon pathetically starts insisting he'd have him hung as a traitor but the fat man just laughs at him and, oh deary, Yara comes in and starts laughing "stop! we yield!" and all the men laugh with her, lmao, absolutely fucking AMOG'd you little beta, and Yara starts boasting about her 30 fleet ship, the loyalty of her men and his shitty crew that are obviously going to mutiny him, and Theon looks out at the laughing men bricking himself, but then his first mate Dagmer promises to look after him, and if I know my edgy tv shows this'll actually be the guy to betray him, and yeah, Theon calls it and says they sent him to throw him overboard, and the guy says they wont respect him until he proves himself, but he knows that wont happen raiding a "piss poor fishing village", and the first mate starts winding him up to raid the seat of the "House of Tallhart" whoever they are as a bigger prize than "a few fishermen's daughters", nice literal rape culture, but Theon's too big a pussy for the first mates subtle egging on games as he's scared the Starks would take it back, but then the penny drops that that's what the first mate intends, that they get to prove themselves by winning a battle against the Starks I guess



then in Tywin's meeting room he's speaking to his generals about the state of the war with Robb being far too good as Arya cuts some food for them with a rather big bread knife hmmm and one guy suggests they need some sleep and Tywin gets triggered and basically says he'd fucking kill him if he wasn't his cousin and tells him to fuck off back home to Lannisport, and as Arya is serving him he asks her where she's from and she lies Maidenport, but he can smell bullshit from a mile away and asks who the lords of Maidenport are, and without flinching Arya says "House Mooton" (uh, I feel a rap coming on) but when he asks their sigil she looks around nervously as she doesn't know, lmao shoulda paid more attention in class like Bran does you dumb bitch, and Tywin says its a red salmon and exposes her as a Northerner and asks her one more time where she's from, and she says Barrowtown this time and names their lords and their sigil as two crossed longaxes beneath a black crown, which Tywin can probably tell is a lie and she only said that because she knew that trivia and is trying to seem honest enough to not need to wait around for him to ask it to seem overly tryhard at being convincing or some such lying memery but he's seen all the best lying tricks all before so he just asks her what they think of Robb Stark up there and she says they say he's a werewolf lmao and that he cant be killed with a smile as she remembers her brave brother and Tywin catches her smile and asks if she believes them and when Tywin smiles to his men she says while trying to keep a straight face but giving him a little maddog now he's looking away "no, anyone can be killed" but Tywin starts staring at her like he can see right through her, maybe from the moment he chose her as a servant, and just tells her to fetch him water

then outside Arya is sneaking about avoiding some soldiers but she's caught by... the creeper guy from the prison transport, who's now dressed as a Lannister soldier, uh oh, and he says he always realized she was a girl in some pretentious flowery language, and she just edgily says she should have let him burn if he's a Lannister soldier, and he says some edgy shit about how when she saved him and his two companions she stole three deaths from The Red God and now they owe him... so she must speak three names for him to kill, and she looks at him like this has to be too good to be true but maybe a trick, so to test it she says that man who tortures everyone, and as if this prick has a fucking Death Note or something he says "a man needs a name" and she says they call him the Tickler, hilarious, but apparently he doesn't have a Death Note since that's enough for him, ok, I'm guessing this dude is not a real Lannister soldier and just stole a uniform or something and he's really some weirdo religious fanatic and that's why he was locked up in the first place, going about killing random people because he heard someones nan recovered from her bad fall



then in the snow area of the map a big caravan of Night's Watchmen have left the forest and are tracking through the snowy hillside and Jon talks to the commander that they're going to meet someone called "the Halfhand" who's one of the only people to survive out there alone, and Sam is prattling on about how Gilly would like it out there much to the annoyance of his mates, and then we see the soldiers digging in for the night ontop of a mountain, where I wouldn't want to dig into never mind sleep in case an avalanche sent me falling off lel, and Sam starts geeking out that they've found some "fist of the first men", some small standing stones of the kind that are all over the real Britian from tens of thousands of years ago (whats the oldest building in America? Trump tower?), and is amazed at how old they must be, before the Targaryans defeated the Andals, who I guess are their version of Angles, where the word Anglos comes from, and before the Andals took Westeros from the First Men, who I guess are their version of the oldest celtic tribes that used to be all over the UK before the wee cucks in England got conquered by invaders over and over again, and Sam asks what they think the first men were like, and his mate says stupid for ending up in a place like this, but Jon, who is staring off at some absolute kino landscape photography that looks like the clouds are fucking rearing up like massive monsters to come get them, and says "I think they were afraid... I think they came here to get away from something... and I don't think it worked"



which makes me think of what the world would be like if like the Neanderthals that there's some evidence preyed upon early Homo Sapiens were still alive, would there be more unity amongst us if we had some other sub-species to content with, but then I remember Abos are still around so I guess not, anyway then they hear a horn blasting and Jon says one blast is for rangers returning and two is for wildlings as they see a caravan of people making their way over the horizon as they stand there waiting to see if they hear a second, and Sam mentions well they do it three times for White Walkers even though it's been a thousand years and they all dismiss him for having read it in a book, hah, fucking NERD, fucking learning about important mission intel, loser! but then Jon sees that it's whoever this Halfhand person is, I guess it was one of their scouts blowing the horn or something and not them

then we see Tyrion in some cellar holding a glass of like ye olde nitro from Crash Bandicoot as some old crazy coot hunches over with a grin and rubs his hand like ye olde happy merchant tells him to take care because that stuff will melt anything and Tyrion says he once heard if you piss on wildfire your cock burns off and the old chemist says "I haven't conducted that experiment myself" lel and takes it off him carefully and Tyrion turns and gives a gurn to Bronn as if he's either pissed the guy handed him something so dangerous or maybe just doesn't believe he has the real thing there, and the old man starts saying after the dragons died wildfire was the key to the Targaryens power, which I think is a reference to how GRRM said he originally intended for the dragons to actually be fake and just a trick the Targaryens would play using pyrotechnics to make people believe they had dragons which I would have much preferred if all this magic shit was just basically ye olde magicians and mentalists bullshitting people for power which is probably where all these legends come from including religion lmao like Jesus was probably just good at slight of hand and had brainlets thinking he could multiply fish he had up his sleeve and we're still talking about him 2000 years later



and Bronn declares that he's seen too many old men claiming their jars of pigshit were magic and the old man takes offence and starts ranting that this is a real weapon and Bronn derides him saying even if this shit was real in an actual chaotic battle all these pots would be falling all over their own castle burning them down too as the old man takes them down into a catacomb and opens up a big volt door and shows them his massive shelf upon shelf of pots of this shit to the amazement of Tyrion, so far they have 7811 according to the old man, but Tyrion concurs with Bronn that this shit is too dangerous and orders him to stop making it for his sister... he's now making it for him! ok this is more of what I want, just fictional allegories for real world historical weapons, like this shit is probably inspired by the real-world ancient incendiary weapon "Greek fire" where they'd shoot some sort of extremely flammable liquid at enemy boats that would burn on even the water around them, more of this sort of stuff and less nanomachines please

then in the city that's name I forgot already that starts with a Q we see Dany with her handmaiden trying to train her dragon, yes just like the kids CG movie, that shes named Drakaros, to use his flames on command, which it struggles to ignite a chunk of meat she's given it, but once it gets it going it cooks it and then gobbles it down, and she decides he can feed himself now, don't know how she knows its sex but ok, and Dany tells her the dragon loves her as she puts it back in its cage and her other handmaiden actually looks jealous, I guess she wants the big dragon knot or whatever they have



and the black dude, who the girls claim is the richest man is Esos (the mainland continent I guess), gave her a dress apparently, but it reminds Dany of being sold to Aquaman, and the jealous handmaiden says in Dothraki some prayer to bless him, and Dany and the other handmaiden look at her condescendingly like they already forgot Dothraki culture lmao, and then Dany says to her friend that they should learn more about the black dude suggesting that men talk about other men when they're happy, I guess hinting her to go suck some dick and get a guy spilling the beans about him lmao, and she calls Dany a princess and the bitchy handmaiden snaps that she's a Khaleesi, and Dany looks at her like fucking dumb savage, wow got quite the toxic femininity up in this bitch, and she awkwardly says Dany should wear the dress as she's a guest and mopes off and then Dany smiles at being back in civilized society I guess, then we see Dany happy as can be in some lovely fancy gardens a group of rich twats are chatting in and she gives her friend a cheeky smile who's flirting with some men as she herself is talking to some woman gossiping about the night markets but then suddenly her face drops as she sees... a drunk Jorah arguing with two of the remaining Dothraki warriors about how to steal a golden swan statue lmao, and she orders them to leave it much to their disappointment and as one of them leaves a servant offers him a drink that he immediately pours out and steals the gold cup lmao and Dany says some dumb shit about how she'll be a better queen, yeah with your like 15 total subjects who barely respect you as is, ebin, and then a creepy as all fuck old skinny bald dude with blue lips who looks like he's got fucking AIDS comes up and shows her a gem... offering for her to look in it... until she can see herself... and maybe even multiple copies of herself... and then he looks over and sees A COPY OF HIMSELF ACROSS THE GARDEN that says "often more than once!" and he invites her to The House of the Undying and creepily walks off with his clone as the startled crowd claps thinking it's just a trick



that would have been an interesting scene to make you wonder how this guy pulled that off, if he has a twin, or he has someone in disguise as his quite unique appearance you could mistake someone else as from afar, or if he hypnotized Dany into seeing him and thinking everyone else saw him, or just paid off the crowd to react as if they saw him too as she was under his hypnosis or something, but now we've seen a fucking smoke monster assassinate a main character it's just fucking pointless since it probably is just real magic and there's no point in depicting it as mysterious since yeah, he's just a wizard lmao, ebin, then the fucking XXX black dude turns up and apologizes for Pyat Pree and explains he's one of the thirteen leaders of the city, and she asks what The House Of The Undying is, and he says it's where the warlocks go to squint at dusty books and drink "shade of the evening" which "turns their lips blue and their minds soft, so soft they actually believe their parlor tricks are magic" yeah what a cool new dichotomy to introduce after confirming dementors are real, ebinnnn, I think I'm so mad since all other supernatural shit was quarantined in the shit storylines with Dany and Jon anyway not effecting the good writing centred around Kingslanding lmao, anyway then some woman WEARING A FUCKING GIMP MASK appears behind Jorah and points out his affection for Dany, doxxes him, claims to be no one, and warns him to look after The Mother of Dragons since she gives birth to fire, which is power, right, ok, great



then back in Westeros in some forest by a river Brie is letting her horse rest as she talks to Cat about how that smoke monster looked like Stannis to her but Cat says it looked like... and hesitates as if it looked like someone else she knew, but then backtracks and says it just looked like a shadow in the shape of a man, as if this thing takes the shape of whoever you're scared of or think would kill that person or something and is different to each onlooker like some Bogart shit, and Cats plan is to report to Robb but then see her youngest kids, and Brie admits she never met her mother, and Cat says her own mother died on the birthing bed when she was very young assuming that's what happened to Brie, and says its a bloody business but what comes after is harder, but Brie's not interested in such womanly things and asks if after she's seen her son she'll give her leave, idk why she's acting like she's loyal to her and isn't just doing her favor escorting her, and Cat asks "to kill Stannis?" and Brie says "I swore a vow" still wanting to be the honerable knight, and Cat warns her against the odds but Brie claims she can take on all his men and laments how she only held him that one time when he was dying as if maybe she had a crush on him but Cat insists shes served her duty and there's no point following him into the earth and suggests to her that Robb's enemies were Renly's enemies too, and Cats quite the manipulator too because it gets Brie thinking... and then offers to serve her, since she seems to have "a woman's kind of courage" (aka enduring bullshit happening to them over and over again lmao) as long as she doesn't hold her back from killing Stannis, and Cat promises not to, so Brie plants her sword and swears to give her life defending Cats, I mean uh Cat's life, not the animal cats, which would be a very tumblr thing to do, and Cat gets teared up seeing how strong this woman is, and takes her hand and promises she'll always be welcome in her family and to never give her a task that would bring her dishonor (so not demand she eat her out or anything I guess), I really like Brie's character, she might be a dopey naive cow but at least she's the like only genuine person with no secret agenda in the whole story, or at least so it seems



and then in Winterfell Bran is in his shitty dark throne room with his teacher on one side and his little brother very edgily smashing wallnuts open on the other as some poor farmer drones on about thieves and wolves raiding his barnyard and his sons are all away at the war so he has no one to help, and Bran gives him two orphan boys as long as he looks after them which the man is grateful for, and Bran has to tell his angst little brother to stop pissing about smashing things right next to him as he's trying to be the king, interesting that now Bran is taking his role more seriously and the angst has passed on to his little brother, as if just Bran maturing has meant the little boy can't be an innocent child anymore, and Bran calls Hodor to take him riding but then the dude with the pigtail neckbeard comes rushing in telling him "Torrhen's Square is under siege" by we know who and the teacher is shocked to hear the Lannisters have gotten so far North and the pigtials dude says maybe they're mercs or god forbid The Mountain and Bran says they have to help them so pigtails says he can still gather 200 decent men to go save them, and the teacher asks if they need so many, probably scared no one will be left for them, but Bran tells him "if we cant defend our own bannermen why should they defend us?" and pigtails smiles as Bran is already a more decent king than most, but when he leaves Bran looks as nervous as his teacher

then outside Hodor is carrying Bran around as he argues about his three-eyed raven dreams with the wildling girl who gets hotter and hotter as the show goes on as her hair gets nicer and nicer lmao, and after some extreme Joss Whedon dialog where they banter back and fourth about who's the liar or not Bran confesses his latest dream was of the sea coming to Winterfell and talks some edgy shit about dead men floating here in the yard, including the pigtails guy, and Osha gets anxious and goes to leave and Bran can tell they know what the thee-eyed raven means north of The Wall but she wont spill the beans yet to keep this dumb plot going on even longer, interesting dream though I'm guessing this is going hand-in-hand with the "winter is coming" shit for the overall theme of climate change being a threat every nation has to deal with but that the most powerful think they can ignore, remember to vote Bernie 2020

speaking of north of The Wall we cut to the lads staring off into a snowing mountain range thinking they can see a fire, and they're worried Mance Rayder and his army of ALL the wildlings will get a warning that they're coming, and some dude, I guess this is Halfhand or whoever, is warning the commander that he'll be teaching them their modern battle tactics and how to assault The Wall, so in turn they need to become more savage and unpredictable like them, just sneak in, kill Mance and scatter them all again before they can march on The Wall, clever thinking, but first they need to get rid of those lookouts, and he calls over three other men to go with him on the mission, and Jon wants to go and brags about killing a "wight", but they bully him about being disarmed by an old man who fucks his daughters, but fat fuck Sam offers to take up Jon's duties, so Halfhand, I guess because he lost half his hand to frostbite lol, agrees to take him

and back in Qatar or whatever Triple X is asking Dany how long Jorah's been in love with her, and she awkwardly denies it, but he claims he can almost always tell what a man wants... but women are much more complicated, which I guess is true but not any insult or compliment to women it's just that men are fucking retards who want the same thing lmao



and he asks her what she wants, and she says to sail across the narrow sea and take the Iron Throne, and he asks why, and she says because I promised my kalazar I'd protect them and find a safe home with failing confidence as if this is the first time she's realized huh maybe staging a 15 man invasion of an entire country might not keep them safe you dozy cow, but she insists that its hers by right, and he sniggers that she considers herself a conqueror, and she accuses him of being the same just less ambitious, but she asks why he offered his blood for her, and he says let me show you why and he takes her away to BLACKED.COM, no he shows her the door to a vault made from veleryan steel that he's been paying locksmiths and thieves to attempt to break in but the only thing that can open it... is the key around his neck, and he offers her half... if she'll marry him! oh so it is BLACKED.COM, I thought he was going to ask her to wait for her dragons to grow up and then burn it down with their fire or something because they lost the key lmao, and he boasts about how his parents never even owned a pair of shoes but he became this rich from his own ambition and gives her the news that Robert Baratheon is dead, and she looks.... well a bit dopey since Emilia Clark cant act lmao but I think this is meant to be her eyes lighting up

and then later she argues with Jorah about how she can take Westeros right now (with all 15 of her people) because of all the infighting from the Four false Kings, guess they didn't get the news about Renly's little nanomachine problem, but Jorah cautions against getting into debt to these rich men, but she says if she listened to that advice outside the gates they'd all be dead and snaps at Jorah for speaking to her like she's a child and starts demanding to know what he really wants having let XXX get under her skin with his extremely obvious observation and Jorah starts spilling his heart out about how she would make such a good ruler because of her gentle heart which is so rare for someone with a claim to the throne and he says some real friendzone fedoralord shit with "there are times when I look at you and I still cant believe your real!" absolute cringecore my man and Dany reacts with shock as she realizes XXX was right and he is in love with her and then gets emotional as she isn't sure how to handle it and awkwardly looks away and Jora counsels her to just get one ship because the allies they need are in Westeros and not in Qatar and he cringily bows to her and leaves and she does that classic soap opera thing of gasping to herself after the man she had an awkward talk with storms off



then with Arya we see the blacksmith kid who's name I forgot again is being made to upkeep swords and he practices swinging one and Arya tells him to stand sideways because that presents a smaller target to your foe, a technique still used in modern day firearms training, as she's remembering her lessons from that flamboyant dude, and then they hear a woman shriek and go over to see guards tending to a body and talking about seeing where he fell from and they move away to reveal THE TICKLER WITH A FUCKED UP SNAPPED NECK and Arya looks up to see this edgy weird guy eating an apple and smiling smugly and he raises his finger to her to indicate that's #1 of 3 kills he owes her and she smiles realizing he is was for real and it wasn't a trick to get her to admit to wanting the Lannisters dead or something like that, inb4 it still is and he turns her into Twyin, not too fond of this guy since he seems like the kind of le quirky dashing rogue character you'd see in far less realistic fantasy fodder





Game of Thrones 2x06: "The Old Gods and the New"
you're no prince you faggot special edition
First aired: May 6, 2012

ok first scene is an old man, I think Bran's teacher I am pretty sure god forgive my internet addled memory and autism addled face blindness, rushing to write a message and put it on a crow he only just let loose as some soldiers kick down the door and accost him and he closes his eyes like hes getting ready to die, and then we cut to Theon barging into Bran's room and declaring IM TAKING YOUR CASTLE and Bran wakes up sleepily and is just like "uh Theon?" lmao and Theon raises his chin super proud and says "its PRINCE Theon now!" and Bran just rubs the sleep out of his eyes and Theon awkwardly says "I took Winterfell... I took it... I'm occupying it..... I sent men over the walls with grappling hooks...... to take it" holy shit what a cringemaster, and he keeps the cringe coming by unconvincingly saying he's a Greyjoy and can't fight for Rob and his father both while trying to pose dramatically looking out a window to impress a 10 year old boy, ah, ok, I just realized his first mates master ruse, it's not fighting the Stark forces at that town... its just distracting them so Winterfell is undefended, anyway Theon asks where Hodor is and Bran claims he doesn't know so he sends his man to find the halfwit and then tells Bran they're gathering everyone in the courtyard so he can say he's yielded Winterfell to him, but Bran refuses lmao, and Theon storms up to the foot of his bed and demands that he yields, but Bran just lifts himself up with the handle they've made for him to lift himself around bed and says calmly "no I wont, I'll never yield, we'll fight you and throw you out" and Theon sits on the bed like he can't believe he's getting maddogged by a fucking crippled 10 year old



and tries to explain nicely that the castle is mine but the people are still yours, and he'll yield to keep them alive, like its just a matter of fact that's what you have to do on both ends, and Bran looks sad as if he's realizing he's right, and Theon smiles thinking he's gotten through to him and tells him that's what a good Lord would do and goes to leave but Bran, realizing he has to fight with his words, asks Theon "did you hate us the whole time?" and Theon looks super hurt as this innocent little 10 year old boy stares into his soul, but as soon as Theon leaves Bran hardens up like it's whatever, then outside this weasley little fucking cuck is forcing Bran to tell everyone he's yielding Winterfell for Theon, who demands he say it louder and add PRINCE Theon, so he does while looking dejected as his little brother, teacher and Hodor look on sadly, and Theon starts to try and give a speech saying "you all know me as Theon" but then a large man comes forward interrupting him and yells "we know you FOR A STEAMING SACK OF SHIT" hahahah and Bran knows the best way this resolves for everyone is to just play along so tells Farlen to be silent, and Theon warns him to listen to his little lord, and Theon announces his father is king of the Iron Isles again and claims right to the rest of the North by conquest, but Farlen yells "bugger that! I serve the Starks!" but one of the squidboys bashes him on the back of the head with his club much to the amusement of the first mate



and Theon insists they need to be as loyal to him as to Ned Stark and orders the teacher to send a raven to his father declaring his victory and his sister to tell her to bring 500 men to Winterfell and the teacher just stands there as Theon yells at him but only agrees after a look from Bran, and then the qt wildling girl approaches calling him submissively and says "M'Lord Greyjoy", and Theon gets a smug grin on his face that she's "learned how to address your betters", and she offers to serve him personally... with a spear, but he doesn't trust her for shit so he's not a complete dolt and sends her on her way, and Bran asks her "why" as he can tell she actually meant it and she says she believes his dream would come true and wants to leave, and then the neckbeard pigtails dude gets dragged in by some squidboys having clearly been beaten and they say he took out two of their men before they got his sword and Theon says it grieves them that they meet as foes and the old fat neckbeard guy says AND IT GRIEVES ME YOU'VE LESS HONOR THAN A BACK ALLEY WHORE hahahahahahaha and shames him for betraying the people who raised him and Theon regurgitates his fathers brainwashing about how his brothers died fighting them and the neckbeard says yeah in a war your father started and Theon gets super triggered that he was never really Neds son, just a hostage, and the old man says he should have put a sword in his belly instead of his hand, and Theon says he served this house faithfully but if he keeps talking-and THE NECKBEARD DUDE SPITS IN HIS OPEN MOUTH AS HES TALKING!!! EWW!!!!!



and Theon recoils in disgust as his guards beat him and he orders them to take him to the cells, but his first mate tells him he cannot let that stand, he must pay... the iron price... and Theon isn't following until the first mate says they'll never respect him as long as the neckbeard lives, and then Theon's suddenly on board he's such an insecure little twat, and he looks around at Bran and his scared little brother but then sentences him to death, and Bran calls for mercy as he yielded and the teacher guy puts his hand on Theon's shoulder and tries to counsel him not to make a hasty decision and how this guy is valuable alive, and Theon thinks about it... but looks at his first mate who smiles to him, and Theon goes with the devil on his shoulder rather than the angel and orders them to kill him, and they drag the neckbeard dude over to the chopping block and he looks Theon straight in the eyes and says "the man who passes the sentence should swing the sword, coward!" and when Bran cries and begs for them to stop he just looks over and says "hush now child, I'm off to see your father" as Theon takes a sword to his neck and asks him "any last words old man?" as the rare score starts up and the rain starts pouring down and the guy just looks him in the eye again and says "Gods help you, Theon Greyjoy, now you are truly lost", and Theon looks at him like hes a shook pussy but then THEON SWINGS THE SWORD INTO THE OLD MANS NECK



BUT IS UNABLE TO CUT ALL THE WAY THROUGH SINCE HES SUCH A BETA, AND HAS TO HACK AGAIN AND AGAIN UNTIL HE HAS TO KICK THE HEAD TO GET IT OFF LMAO EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 28



and he looks around super adrenalin dumped with blood all over his face like he's forgotten where he is as Bran cries his eyes out in the background, very unbased & traitorpilled but if I know my edgy tv show he sure as fuck gets his comeuppance

then beyond The Wall Jon and Halfhand and the 3 men are walking through the hills as they discuss his direwolf ghost having a mind of his own like the wildlings they're hunting and he warns Jon the second he thinks he knows this place it'll kill him and they're fighting a war against the North itself, and Jon says some poetic shit about how he'd gladly give his life for the Watch, but Halfhand yells at him he wants him to curse and fight for his life but then says his own poetic shit about how his death will be a gift to those south of the Wall who he died for even though they wont know his name which is like some propaganda they tell kids going over to Iraq to get blown up that they le died for your le freedom in a completely unconnected conflict, and Jon looks completely gormless at him and he says "you're stupider than you look" lmao and admits that's all just "nice words to keep you warmer at night" so he was just winding him up and it's all pointless kek and as if to drive home the US soldiers deployed abroad theme more he says "we've gotta find these GOAT FUCKERS before night falls and they find us"

then back with Arya serving Tywin at his important meetings he is grilling some poor guy demanding to know if he can read or not who just sits there like a beta because there's been a mix-up where a letter was sent to the wrong house that's loyal to the Starks, ah ye olde sending an email to the wrong person, awkward! and Tywin can't even be bothered to threaten the guy for endangering his son so just does the "leave us!" meme, this dudes going to be running out of advisers soon, and he jokes that since Arya could pick out the relevant books on the matter that she should devise our next battle plan, I guess this is all to show that Tywin is such an alienated and harsh man who doesn't even have generals he can respect but he has a soft spot for Arya since he can tell how resourceful and driven she is despite her lowly circumstances, which could seem like bit of the ol characterwank but I think Arya's "earned" it so far by basically just struggling to stay afloat in a shit situation since last season rather than obviously having protagonist plot armor like Jon and Dany that people unbelievably respect at first meeting, but Arya bricks it when a guard announces to Tywin that his next guest is... LORD PETER BAELISH, aka CIA, and Arya tries to awkwardly leave but Tywin orders her to clean his meeting table as he clears his generals out and CIA comes in and Tywin, possibly knowing the full extent of Arya's predicament and is just testing her or some shit, offers him wine that she is forced to serve and she tries pouring it on the table from behind him, which she should have really just poured before putting the cup down and leaving quickly, as they discuss Renly's "rather short reign", with Tywin hearing it was a woman, but CIA says there's talk of... "Dark Forces" at play, what, the jews?



and as Arya almost manages to get away unseen Tywin stops her for a refill that she awkwardly gives while facing away from CIA and Tywin dismisses the rumors that "men love to blame demons when their plans fail" and CIA smugly says chaos is an opportunity to seize and Tywin, who has little respect for a slimy backstabber like CIA, says "you say that as if you were the first man alive to think it, what other brilliant insights have you brought me today?" lol rekt you pretentious fuck and CIA looks butthurt at a more masculine highborn man brushing off his intelligence, as if Tywin can just naturally say the most hurtful thing to each person because he's already looking down upon and being disgusted by the personal flaws of everyone else around him at all times anyway, and CIAs angle is that the Tyrelles are the third biggest land owners, which means the third biggest resources and recruits for war, which Tywin of course already knows and just goes "yes yes yes" to get him to the point and CIA says they haven't declared for either surviving King but Loras wants revenge on Stannis and Margery- but Tywin already knows, she wants to be queen, and CIA agrees looking smug as if he hopes he doesn't know that she wants to be THE queen herself and not just the kings wife so he can have one little bit of intel he doesn't, but Tywin points out that the Tyrelles also rebelled against his grandson, which leaves a rather obvious remaining third option for them to side with, but CIA proposes putting that issue to the side to get them to support them, and Tywin stares at CIA like he's already well aware he's only proposing this because it benefits him somehow and his only calculation is if it's to fuck him over or is mutually beneficial to him, and calls for more wine from Arya, which causes CIA to catch a glimpse of Arya, I forget, has CIA even seen Arya before lmao, I need a fucking chart to see what characters met what other characters, and Arya gets so shook at the mention of defeating her brother she accidentally spills CIAs wine, and Tywin gives a little murmur to himself as if that confirms his suspicions of his reading of the situation such he's such a perceptive man, possibly because of his own seemingly extremely high confidence he doesn't have any insecurities that might get in the way of reading other people (hard to fully know others when you're uncomfortable knowing yourself) like all the other intelligent characters have which is what makes him so compelling to watch despite what a ruthless evil cunt he is, and CIA just says "its only wine" as he tries to get a good look at Arya wiping it up but Tywin distracts him by saying he'll have his answer by nightfall and dismisses Arya just as CIA is about to clock her but he can tell there's something suspicious about her and maybe testing out a theory as to who she is CIA drops that he's recently met with Cat at the direction of his son concerning her daughters, but just as it's getting good we cut away without seeing if Arya heard that or if CIA or Tywin have their suspicions

to boring central with Jon lurking about behind a roc with his sword out ready to ambush some dudes sitting around the fire and when Halfhand gives the lads a nod and THEIR DUDE WITH A BOW SHOOTS ONE OF THE CAMPERS AND EVERYONE RUNS IN AND KILLS EVERYONE IN A BIG FIGHT AND JON CHASES DOWN ONE GOING FOR AN AXE AND... ITS A CUTE GIRL!



very wow much twist even though we've seen female wildlings before and obviously these people have women and kids up there, and Halfhand says there's no point sparing her as wildlings would rather bite off their tongue than give up info but this woman seems suspiciously well kept and suspiciously well spoken as she introduces herself as Ygritte and requests that her comrades be given a funeral pyre but Halfhand calls her out on wanting something to signal her friends in the area but she claims it's in case the dead come back as White Walkers and we dont know what causes them to turn yet maybe it could be anyone who dies up there like in The Walking Dead rules, and she clams up when Halfhand asks if they're planning to march on The Wall so he kneels down next to her and holds her cheek and asks with as much vulnerability he can must if her people captured him... would they take him prisoner... but she admits they'd behead him if they were feeling kind lis, and Halfhand just sighs and says they cant spare the food on her and cant let her go or she'd bring Mance's army on them so they need to kill her but before he can bloody his sword again Jon offers to do it, and Halfhand, like every other father figure in the show, for some reason cares about Jon having this moment of character development for himself, so leaves him alone to do the deed, when if Jon didn't have plot armor the guy would obviously not let a dude who obviously isn't sure of his conviction alone with her because there's obviously a risk he'd let her go or get rused and disarmed by her but here we are, and she realizes Jon's never killed a woman before and offers him to defect to Mance but Jon won't so she just bends over and offers her neck knowing he's too much of a forced protagonist good guy to do it and the woman starts piling the pressure onto him asking for a funeral pyre, threatening to haunt him if he doesn't do it clean, complaining of the cold of the blade, faffing about moving her hood out the way, using his full name, insisting that he get it over with quick, all just little things to get under his skin, and it has its desired effect as he does the dramatic thing no one would ever do IRL where he swings the sword down but against the rock, so she does some unconvincing move where she grabs his pant leg and pulls so hard it throws him off his feet somehow and legs it and Jon runs after her but she's jumping down the slippery jagged rocks she's used to traversing way faster than he can and he awkwardly clambers down do give chase but she's outpacing him easily so he just slides down the hill shes making her way down like this is fucking Apex Legends right into her to catch her and holds a knife to her but she tells him they both know he cant do it and points out that he's now lost, which was probably her intention, although pretty retarded since they're in the wide open mountains and he could just retrace their snowprints if he had to lul, and it seems like shes trying to trick him into calling out loudly so her people will catch him but he's not that dumb, ok very typical adventure story shenanigans that's obviously going to lead to a forced and dull Romeo and Juliet storyline of a romance between a Nights Watchmen and their enemy a suspiciously presentable Wildling woman, only thing that saves the Jon scenes is the cinematography for the mountain ranges is incredible so you can at least look at beautiful vistas as Jon stares slack jawed at people who suddenly become possessed by the sole function of leading him by the hand through his heroes journey



then at Kingslanding we see the young Mercyelle or whatever the youngest princess is called sniffling to herself upset as a fancy rowbot takes her away to a ship to take her to safety as Cersei and Tyrion look on and some priest guy does a prayer that goes "may the Mother give her health, may he Crone give her wisdom, may the Warrior give her courage" which is our first exposition on what the Seven actually are, but from what I've picked up from being forced to read about this shit on 4chan for years on end there's the Maiden, Mother, Crone, probably based on the three goddesses from wicca/pagan traditions that deify the three distinct sections of a woman's life cycle (girlhood when not yet fertile, womanhood when you can give life and post-menopause woman who can still spread their memes), the Warrior, Father and Smith, inspired by the Christian conception of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, which has never made any fucking sense to me tbqh, like, well, it's a fucking funny name, I guess a less retarded name is The Holy Spirit™, and I follow the idea of Jesus being God coming to Earth as a mortal man (although still with some of his admin privileges turned on so it's kind of cheating) in the form of his son to give his life for us (although that's also fucking retarded, what value does fucking God LARPing as a human have when obviously if his OC dies or stays dead is completely up to him? wouldn't it be less retarded to not have Jesus be God's alt account but have him be a demi-god like in less retarded pantheon religions? wouldn't that make more narrative sense that he genuinely was half-human but could still represent divinity? Jesus was a Mary Sue with plot armor is what I'm saying, shit book 3/10 for the bible), but what the fuck is the Holy Ghost, why is feeling love and salvation from God a separate thing? surely that's just part, and seemingly the most important part, of God? no one ever fucking mentions it so it's as pointless as it seems from the outside, a non-pointless Holy trinity would be The Father, The Son and The Mother, since Catholics pretty much already worship Mary anyway and that family unit is actually applicable to every day life unlike a fucking ghost or whatever, but I guess that would be edging a bit too close to gender equality for the (((Abrahamic))) religions, and the Seventh deity is the genderless (very progressive) Stranger who represents Death that every culture has some reference to, and I think the angle is the Seven are all different aspects of one God like the Holy Trinity shit so it's technically monotheistic, or maybe like how Christianity has that dumb Holy Trinity shit it's kind of a cultural evolution of trying to transition the polytheistic religions at the time into Judisms monotheism, and I guess all that shit was too confusing for Mohammad and he was just like no God didn't have a son are you people retarded, and that's kind of in this world going from the Old Gods plural, to the Seven representing one God to just one God and people go on about how there's just one and he's a fire god or whatever the Red Lady goes on about, fuck all religions



anyway Cersei deploys her dysfunctional coping mechanism to deal with her daughter having to be taken away by just being a cunt to Tyrion and saying "one day I pray you love someone, I pray you love her so much, when you close your eyes you see her face, I want that for you, I want you to know what its like to love someone, to truly love someone... before I take her from you" wow edgy, and Tyrion just turns to his sister and glares at her like fine, let's hate each other, fine by me, and marches off, and the youngest prince is crying as Joffrey calls him a little cat, I guess they didn't invent the word pussy yet, in disgust at a prince crying, but Sansa, I guess testing the waters a bit in the emotionally abusing her husband arena, says she saw him cry, and Joffrey just snaps in annoyance "I'm sorry did you say something m'lady?" with his incel rage, and Sansa does a bit more testing by telling him it's normal to cry, her little brother cried when his family was leaving Winterfell, but Joffrey just snaps "so? is your little brother a prince? not really relevant then is it?" and sulks off, calling The Hound a dog, who allows himself a little sneer at him when no one's looking, and Joffrey is escorted back inside the city by his guards and some commoners are waiting for him and start sarcastically jeering "all hail the king" and some are brave enough to start yelling murderer! bastard! at him oh shit, and some people are yelling for food, but all Joffrey reacts to is being called a bastard as he looks around confused as if he's only just realizing people wont automatically love him just for being King like he's been told all his life, and when they see Tyrion they yell FREAK at him and he can sense the atmosphere and warns the guards to take the youngest boy to the keep, and SOMEONE THROWS COWSHIT AT JOFFREYS FACE LMAO!!!



and he screeches to find whoever threw that and the guards struggle to hold back the angry crowd and The Hound puts his hand on his shoulders to stop Joffrey getting too close and things start getting ugly as the crowd grab at the guards and Joffrey orders to just kill them all and the crowd immediately starts beating the shit out of the guards swarming and stamping on them as they try to slash at them to keep them back and the guards try to escort Cersei and the girls out and The Hound grabs Joffrey who starts squealing for him to leave him alone and execute those people but they have no exits as the this riot kicks off all around them and is closing in and Tyrion sees their fat preist being dragged into the crowd and screaming in terror as THE CROWD TEARS HIM APART LIKE ZOMBIES, RIPPING HIS ARM CLEAN OFF, STILL HOLDING HIS INCENSE THING ok thats gonna be a big ol EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 29 from me fam since I am pretty sure there's not possible and you'd have to like twist someones arm back and fourth over and over again to be able to yank it straight off and is like some dumb shit from an old Peter Jackson splatterhouse movie



and Tyrion realizes he needs to protect Sansa as getting her on his side is going to be one of his best power plays and The Hound starts snarling like a, well, dog, as the crowd closes in and a guard slashes a commoner across the cheek and orders his men to protect the king and all the surviving guards form around Joffrey to escort him up the stairs and The Hound starts hacking into people like a mad cunt and they just barely get Cersei in behind him before they close the gate and Sansa finds herself surrounded by men who start to recognize her and they chase her down an alleyway giving the universal malicious chortle that indicates It's Bitch Raping Time and inside a building Joffrey is having a meltdown from actually encountering a real problem for the first time in his life ranting about how he'll kill them all and Tyrion says to his face that he's a vicious idiot and Joffrey screams at him that he cant talk to him like that and that they attacked him and Tyrion says its his fault for ordering their deaths, in Joffrey's defence they were clearly getting violent before he said that #CityGuardLivesMatter, and when Tyrion tries to tell Joffrey they're starving because of a war he started ne just hollars YOU'RE TALKING TO A KING!! REEEEEEEEE!!! like a toddler having a tanty TYRION SLAPS JOFFREY



but oddly enough third time isnt a charm for child abuse as Joffrey tells them to just leave Sansa lmao but Tyrion snarls that without her they'll never get Jaime back and "you owe him quite a bit you know" and Joffrey sits there fuming that his other uncle clearly believes the rumors about his unclefather and then we see Sansa running around some storage area and she tries to slap one of the men but he just slaps her back so hard she gets decked and they tear her dress open and jump ontop of her and one asks YOU EVER BEEN FUCKED, LITTLE GIRL?



and we see Tyrion ordering some men to go find her but he refuses because he only takes his orders from the king and Joffrey just storms off and we get a lovely graphic rape scene as one of the men pins Sansa down, another two hold her legs open and the fourth starts getting his pants down as she begs for mercy but then SOMEONE EFFORTLESSLY LIFTS THE RAPIST OFF THE GROUND AND HE'S LIKE N-NANI?



AND... THE HOUND SLITS HIS STOMACH OPEN SPILLING HIS INTESTINES EVERYWHERE



GRABS ANOTHER AND STABS HIM IN THE BACK, AND GRABS THE THIRD WHO'S THE ONE BEGGING FOR MERCY NOW AS HE SLITS HIS THROAT



and The Hound composes himself before turning to Sansa so she doesn't see his intense killing face and tells her she's alright now, helps her up, and carries her out on her back, leaving the fourth attempted rapist cowering in the corner, and speaking of rape outside we see the crowd has turned on itself and it's just a huge riot now with men pulling a woman's shirt off to expose her breasts and people beating the shit out of each other and The Hound marches through almost unnoticed to bring Sansa to the others and tells them "take the little bird back to her cage" as if he's not even kidding himself her life's back to happy and when Tyrion says "well done Clegene" he seem to take offence at being called his shitty family's last name and growls "I didn't do it for you" and storms off as Tyrion looks confused, I guess it's just that he hates bullies who prey on people weaker than them like his brother but that's too much of a sympathetic motivation for Tyrion who just assumes people only help others when expecting favors in return from them or their family, you know what I'm actually surprised she didn't get raped there since there'd be le realisms bitch thing to happen and from the outside this show seemed to have a lot more rape, I mean someone mentions rape like every second sentence but only actual on-screen rape so far has been Dany in the first or second episode which most rape culture saturated audience members might not even see as such, hopefully we get more so I have something to meme about



then speaking of rape Dany is along with a big black man waiting for The Spice King who's the second wealthiest man in Qarth and he starts nagging her to marry him, the first wealthiest man in Qarth, but Dany still has the ol stockholm syndrome for Aquaman, which I think I already discussed how that would be realistic since people who have are forced to pretend to like someone or even some government end up just actually liking it since it's easier than living with the tension and paranoia and guilt most normal people feel from lying for extensive periods of time and they end up devoted to someone they only started out pretending to like for survival but I think this retarded show is meant to have us like a serial rapist mass murderer as le cool and badass manly man who le based and unapologetic for his lifestyle but also his le love for his le wife and we're meant to respect Dany for... accustoming herself to their (horrible) culture and affirming herself as queen? even though she never really did shit and no one barely listened to her? and it's all been for nothing other than the contrivance of her having those dragon eggs? idk this whole Dothraki storyline has been dogshit from day one but at least it made some sense she was in the special position of the king's wife but now she's just in full blown Mary Sue territory what with coincidentally being The Mother of Dragons everyone somehow already knows about, and this black guy tries chatting her up but Dany says she wont fall for it and this r/redpilled motherfucker says "I have travelled far and wide and never met a woman immune to flattery" and then ah yes the fat man arrives talking all dramatically about how he had terrible dreams keeping him awake and tells Dany how beautiful she is and Dany looks up at him in complete disgust lmao yeah that's how I feel watching your storyline too



and he keeps prattling on about how she's so gorgeous and too good for XXX who banters back about how his grandfather wasn't so highbron either and Dany looks like shes itching to take a piss or something and snaps at him he cant give her what she wants and the spiceman is like "ooh she has a penchant for drama!" can say that again mate and Dany obnoxiously declares that what she wants is "THE SEVEN KINGDOMS OF WESTEROS, MY BIRTH RIGHT!" since her father was the Mad King they all speak about even though they've never addressed that openly so Dany feels extremely disconnected from the main story especially when others talk about the Tygerian children being murdered which could have just been other other siblings or maybe there's some dumb twist where they lied to the public that they had killed Dany and her brother and no one knows if they're still alive idk since Dany seems like a complete sheltered dolt and not like someone who you'd think would be a bit more world weary or street smart or fucked in the head or just not... her... if her father was a schizophrenic mass murderer king and she demands ships from him and this fat guy condescendingly tries to tell her he needs his ships for taking spices from one place to another and calls her out for being unable to pay him back but she claims there's many in Westeros who support her claim and he just points to her and goes "when were you there last?" as if trying to explain to a 8 year old why she can't go to McDonalds every day



and she starts ranting about how the people will rise to support their rightful queen and the spicefat says he cant make an investment based on wishes and dreams and goes to leave but Dany's asks him if he knows a certain magistrate guy and when he says yes Dany goes on this big cringy impassioned rant about how he gave her petrified dragon eggs and she had a dream she could hatch them and only she could walk into the fire with them unharmed and hatch them because she's The Mother Of Dragons™ as her eyebrows are going fucking apeshit wagging up and down like caterpillars trying to climb up her forehead sideways



the spice king stares at her in amusement as if he's almost breaking character from seeing by far the worst fucking performance on the show with this woman looking like she's taking a really big shit as she tries to emote something along the lines of intense confidence and Dany marches up to him and asks "do you understand?" as if this tiny womanlet all alone in a strange city can intimidate him and he just looks bemused like "wait... is that take seriously going in the final edit?"



and she tells him "I'm no ordinary woman... my dreams... come true" wow very cool and epic story element that has not been fucking introduced before, it's Bran who has the prophetic dreams, I don't think we've had any dream sequence from Dany at all, she just suddenly wandered into the fire like an autistic retard, this feels like its referring to a deleted scene or something, what the absolute FUCK is going on in this scene, she is literally making herself look LESS competent to pay this dude back, and the black dude looks at the spiceking like "don't look at me, white bitches be crazy"



the spiceking literally does the "facts don't care about your feelings" Ben Shapiro meme by saying "in business I trust in logic, not passion, I'm sorry little princess" and Dany has an absolute tanty and literally follows him as he tries to leave up the stairs like a belligerent weirdo on New York City public transport ranting about how "I am not your little princess! I am Daenerys Targaryen, stormborn of the blood of old Valaria! and I will take what is mine! with fire AND blood I will take it!" is this woman fucking bipolar or something and without even turning around as he walks back up the stairs the spiceking tells her "yes m'lady, but not with my ships" lmao, what a god awful scene, it literally makes zero sense for her character to be that motivated since this is entirely her delusional narcissist spoiled toff brothers dream she should be averse to because she hated him, and the only reason she tried to become le empowered was to avoid being so painfully raped by the barbarian warlord she was sold to, now that he's dead she should only be interested in her survival that she struggles for with her le feminine wiles or whatever her character is set up to be like and if they want her to have some empowering task just leave it at looking after whats left of Aquamans people, her characterization of being even more of an entitled megalomaniacal conqueror than her shithead brother is absolutely bizarre and makes her seem actively psychotic that she thinks she can manage this when having like 20 braindead savages loyal to her, I get that Emilie here and the writers and probably GRRM are going for that she's le empowred and driven woman trying to manifest her will with determination or something but it's so obviously unbelievable, contrived, forced and cringy from the performance to the plot that she just comes across like she needs medicated or something, but hats off to them for making the Dany storyline even worse than the boring and pointless Conan the Barbarian fanfiction



then thank fucking god we are back in Westeros with Arya cleaning up the one set Tywin is ever seen in and she sneaks a peak at a letter he has on his desk about Robb but he catches her and asks "who taught you how to read?" and she whimpers "my father" and then we get some odd development where Tywin talks about how when Jaime was learning how to read his Maestro told him that he was having trouble with reading letters because "he reversed them in his head", so Jaime has dyslexia? uh ok, getting ready for some extreme edge where Tywin rapes him everytime he fails to read or something, and Tywin says "the Maestro said he'd heard of this affliction and that we simply must accept it, Ha! after that I sat Jaime down for four hours every day until he learned, he hated me for it, for a time, for a long time, but he learned" and he tells this entire story with a smile as if he's proud of improving his son even if it was tough, just like how he had Tyrion's wife get gangbanged to try and toughen him up and learn not to fall for seductions, obviously it ruined Tyrion's life to this day but to Tywin being more callous and untrustworthy like him is an improve since he sees, probably accurately, that his ruthless detached nature is what makes him so successful in this environment, but still at the end there is a great part of his performance where he makes a noise like "hmm" as if even to him there's at least a subconscious doubt if it's all worth it, since he probably knows all too well how extremely fucked in the head his kids are, and he asks if Arya's father is still alive, and when she doesn't answer fast enough he realizes he dead and asks "who was he?" and she quickly thinks of a lie and says "a stonemason" and he doesn't seem to believe it and is like "a stonemason who could read?" and then asks "what killed him" and there's a good take from Maisie Williams here where she lets herself say "loyalty" with just a tiny glint of a proud look on her face like her dad is still her hero, and Tywin looks at her with a glint in his eye as she call tell what she just did, telling a truth she's emotionally invested in to better sell her lie, and he says "you're a sharp little thing, aren't you?" and she just tries to look innocently at him but as he turns away she asks "did-" and he instantly snaps back around and she gets shoot and says "sorry my lord I shouldn't ask questions" but he smiles and says "no, but you've already begun" and she asks, trying to better understand the man who wants to kill her entire family, "did you know your father, my lord?" and he nods and says "I did, I grew up with him, I watched him grow old, he loved us, he was a good man, but a weak man, a weak man who nearly destroyed our house and name" and while Tywin wanders to his chair lost in reminiscing Arya, oh shit, steals the letter about Robb, and it's interesting that, from Tywin's perspective at least, his dad wasn't a harsher bastard than even he was like most characters like this use to excuse how they treat their own kids, but was too much of a soft cunt, so he probably purposefully tried to make himself the way he is in response to that, and probably did to himself what he's done to his kids, and then as if thinking about his childhood had this effect on me he says "I'm cold" almost vulnerably and Arya says she'll go get firewood

then outside in the ruins we see Arya reading the letter and oh god its in cursive it says uhhh their armies will meet by the end of the week or something and Arya is like uh oh



and goes running around with the letter in her hand like a fucking moron and bumps straight into some commander guy who takes it off of her and Arya claims Tywin gave it to her but he doesn't believe her and goes to grab her and ARYA LEGS IT rushing through the crowd of guards, and due to being a fucking moron the guard chasing her doesn't just yell to his men "grab that child!" he just barges past them yelling to get out the way and when he gets around the corner she's slipped away aka hid around one more corner one meter away he's too lazy to check and then she sees this guy searching for her so runs off looking for her personal Death Note, grabbing another guy with long brown hair at mistake at first, but then finds the edgy dude and tells him "Amory Loch!" I guess that's the guys name and he says some pretentious shit about "a girl has named a second name, a man will do what must be done" with a cheeky grin, god this guys annoying, and Arya screams NOW! at him and the guy recoils like jesus christ I'm trying to be charming here don't be mean and tells her some pretentious shit about how a man cant do something until the right time but she just yells at him that he's going to tell Tywin now and he sighs and gives in, what a weird fucking storyline, just tell him to kill Tywin too and your family will win the war easily with Joffrey leading it lmao

and then we cut to a hilarious scene where Amory opens the door to Tywins office and he turns around expecting news but Amory immediately drops dead with a poisoned blowdart in his neck like this is a Hitman game or something where you have to rush around killing guards before they can grass you up, and Tywin yells for his guard and looks curiously at him like this is quite an interesting turn of events why would someone with this skill right outside his door assassinate this dipshit and not him, why indeed Arya you fucking moron, but I guess she figures Tywin being there and speaking sense is the only thing keeping her and Gentry from getting tortured to death so is keeping him around for her own survivals sake, even though she could probably easily escape with him and even the fat kid with her amazing stealth skills



then we see Robb walking through his army as they greet him with respect until he interacts with them showing respect back in that way that main characters interact with extras who they aren't paying to have lines like just smiling at them without saying anything or picking up their helmet and admiring it before giving it back until he sees that nurse who talked shit to him before called Talisa and accosts her as she's clearly working taking notes in a book and starts chatting her up saying she's clearly from noble birth and they flirt a bit back and fourth where she tries to deny it but he can tell and then he joshes her about being a spy and she joshes him back pretending to admit it, which if I know my Breaking Bad means she is actually a spy lmao, and pretends what she was writing was a report to the Lannisters, and Robb offers for her to join him, but before he can finish awkwardly his mother appears and he awkwardly introduces them and Cat is immediately suspicious of anyone trying to romance her children and asks her politely about her family and she answers but then makes an excuse to leave and Cat just looks up at Robb like hmm but then she reminds him that they already promised he'd marry that weird bridge guys daughter much to Robb's displeasure and then they're interrupted by a messenger with news from Winterfell, uh oh

then back with retard dipshit Jon who's managed to get lost running 10 meters down a hill is wandering around with the wildling redhead girl who's name I'll never remember and she taunts him about his brothers deserting him and how she could tell him where to go but he just starts tying her up in some kinky bondage and she starts trying to bait him into following her directions to shelter, starting a fire or... huddling for warmth with her, and that's what gets him and he tries to resist but ends up laying down next to her and angrily putting his arm around her and holding her close and she gives a cheeky look and starts needling him about if his men are looking for him and how he's stupid but brave and then she smiles as if she's glad she's stuck with such a pushover and starts... grinding her ass against his crotch lmao, but little does she know Jon is a level 4 MGTOW who wants to live with other men for the rest of his life and hisses at her to stop it and she gives it a rest for a second but keeps doing it again and Jon huffs and finally closes his eyes, based Jon turning down the roastie thot, further continuing the theme that the most powerful men in the story are adult virgins: Jon has his MGTOW vows to the Watch and wont fuck women from fear of getting them pregnant, CIA is a beta orbiter friendzdoned by his oneitis, Varys has obtained his wizard powers by doing life-long nofap, Tywin is a redpilled alpha who knows women are worthless whores who deserve to be raped and Joffrey is a militant incel on a nation wide beta uprising who would rather beat women than fuck them from his severe mommy issues, the only virgin male who isn't empowered is Sam and that's because is an obese neckbeard who'd wear a fedora if they were invented yet who still hasn't taken the redpill and thinks he can get a gf by being a nice guy but is being cucked by the girls own Chad father



then we see Robb and Cat reading Theon's letter from the teacher guy about Winterfell and Robb is heartbroken his best friend would betray him but the commander guy says "the Greyjoys are treasonous whores" rofllll and Cat paces around in anxiety as he has no news on the boys but hearing the pigtails neckbeard guy got iced sets her off yelling at Robb she said not to trust a Greyjoy, and Robb starts ranting about how he needs to go North to kill Theon but the commander guy tells him he'll have his bastard in the Dreadfort get a few hundred men to retake Winterfell from Theon's skeleton crew within the month but he has to stay here since they have the Lannisters on the run, which Robb accepts but insists they bring him Theon so he can behead him himself

then we cut to Theon getting drink as the wildling girl is looking edgy and unhinged at him but asking him to be able to serve him again and he refuses to trust her but after she just says it another two times with a different inflection each time like trying to get a dogs attention Theon catches on she means le benis in bagina and asks what could her people know "how to eat dirt" and grins at her like a retard at his amazing 80 IQ joke and she says "other things..... savage things" and takes her top off showing her tits while the actress does her best deadeyed blankfaced Aubrey Plaza impersionation and Theon goes wide eyed and starts breathing heavy as he's immediately entranced and then the dumbass sends his guard outside as he bites into his apple all riled up, see this is why Theon is the most pathetic coward in the show, he's the male character who has the most sex, and thus has his masculine essence stolen by roastie thots, he is ignorant to the ways of the enlightened adult virgin and the wildling girl drops her dress, revealing a suspiciously healthy, suspiciously unmarked, suspiciously clean and suspiciously groomed body hair to modern standards for a woman who's lived in a forest all her life and only worked as a slave in a medieval castle for a few months and by suspiciously I mean it's stupid bullshit for Americans to jerk off to on TV, not that I think it's part of the plot like how Jon's new redhead love interest is obviously going to turn out to be someone from south of The Wall who's gone North as part of some elaborate mystery like being the traitor guys daughter or something



and she covers her tits and says "it comes at a price" and Theon chuckles and says "I'm not killing you that's your price" um excuse me that's rape culture but she coyly says "I've already had that" and so Theon, not being a complete bastard to just overpower her, asks "whatdaya want then? other than your miserable life?" and she says "what all free people want, me freedom" and reveals her tits again and Theon, having the mind of a chihuahua in heat, cant think straight enough to turn her down, swallows hard as he goes lightheaded from arousal, and tells her "well you shall have it then... but only if you serve me well", obviously this woman can not exactly give informed consent freely here as she's bargaining not to be a fucking slave anymore to a guy who could kill her whenever he wants but I wont chalk this up as a rape since then every sex scene in this shows context could be considered a rape scene and I hate women so there

then speaking of women getting what they deserve we see Tyrion's cag dabbing on Sansa, no not like that, on her bloody eyebrow, and Sansa tells her how she saw it in the man who hit hers eyes that he hated her, "he never met me before but he wanted to hurt me" yeah welcome to being a woman, and the cag explains "you are everyting he will never have, your horse eats better than his children" interesting and accurate she's going for a class resentment angle and not the incel rage that he cant get a girl that looks like that or, dare I say it, female privilege of being doted on, although it seems like The Hound is an uglycel so maybe that's why he could beat him, his incel rage was stronger, and Sansa starts whining that she'd give them bread if she had it and that she hates the king more than any of them and the cag tries to remind her not to say that in case the wrong people hear her, but Sansa says shes not the wrong people, but the cag tells her "don't trust anybody, life is safer that way"

and to prove her point we see Theon asleep naked in bed and.... the wildling girl rising up from the darkness beside him and she slinks out of bed and goes slithering away out the room (just stab him right then and there you dopy cow)


and then we see her sneaking around outside with her robe back on when a guard catches her and like a male player having a bit too much fun playing as a female character in a DnD game she tells the guard who caught her that she's a gift from Theon to him and all the other guards and this dumb retard falls for it and lets her straddle his lap and make out with him but then SHE SLITS HIS THROAT WITH A KNIFE SHE HAD UP HER SLEEVE



and then she whistles a signal and HODOR, BRAN, HIS BROTHER AND THEIR TWO DIREWOLVES SNEAK OUT heeheehee very nice, other than there was no reason for her to fuck Theon to be able to do that at all lmao and shoulda just killed him too

then back in retardland Dany is whining to this poor black dude (who looks like he's regretting his offer to marry her lmao) about how the spice king not investing in her, the silk king also turning her down because he does business with the Lannisters, and the copper king only has a single ship... if she'll fuck him lmao, but she refuses to whore herself for a boat, and xXx tells her when he first came to this city he had nothing but built himself up to the richest man and that path was not always honearble but he has no regrets because he made it, this fucking cuck is telling his would-be wife to go fuck another man for 1 boat lmao, and then he opens a gate to the garden they're walking to and they find THERE'S DEAD DUDES EVERYWHERE and at first I thought these were like Dany's remaining soldiers that this black dude was saying he had no regrets because he was the one who had them killed and was about to tell her she has no choice to marry him or something but he runs off screaming for help



and Dany runs through these dead dudes who I guess are Qatar or whatever city guards and past some of her dead Dothraki soldiers as other Dothraki come up after her as she goes to her room and finds... HER DRAGONS HAVE BEEN STOLEN and she sees her dead handmaiden who was making snippy comments before and sits over her corpse and screams WHERE ARE MUH DRAGONS?!!? and then we cut to a figure hidden under a white robe carrying a box on their back that we can hear the squealing baby dragons in as they bring it up to a tower, yeah just leave your extremely valuable asset that is the only reason anyone gives you respect in your bedroom don't hide them anywhere or anything good thinking Dany, I'm legit confused, are we meant to think Dany is a pathetic loser? like literally everything she does is fucking pathetic lmao, she pathetically falls in love with her rapist, she pathetically respects the demented culture that abandoned her at first notice, she pathetically goes on impotent rants about how she'll kill anyone who wrongs her and invade a whole continent with her well now like 12 people left, and now she pathetically loses her surrogate children, I mean it'd make sense if she was meant to be a delusional mentally unbalanced trauma victim who's living in a fantasy world because she's been getting abused all her life or something but I think she's meant to be on this like epic heroes journey of rising to ultimate power or something, idk this storyline is literally like a comedy of errors or something, a funny and very accurate reading of her character could be that she's inherited her father's mental illness lmao but from spoilers I know she does actually succeed in bringing armies to Westeros and successfully winning battles so I guess she's just a badly written Mary Sue





Game of Thrones 2x07: "A Man Without Honor"
you know nothing about pussy, Jon Snow special edition
First aired: May 13, 2012

so this episode opens with Theon waking up since this stupid woman's plan involved actually giving him earlier notice than he'd have gotten otherwise that something is wrong by her going to bed with hi and not being there when he wakes up and we see him standing over the body of his dead guard asking "a cripple? you let a cripple escape?" to the fat asshole who bullied him before and he blames Theon for fucking the wildling woman and he looks super edgy and disgruntled because he knows he got manipulated super easily by her but then he remembers he's the Prince so HE PUNCHES THE FAT GUY IN THE FACE AND RECOILS AS HE HURT HIS HAND SO STARTS KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM lmao I love the ungainly way Theon's actor does all his violent scenes in like he's not a natural fighter at all and just sort of flails around when attacking someone and as his first mate guy gives a big grin at how Theon is becoming more and more violent he orders for the hounds to be released as they hunt down the special olymics squad, and the teacher guy is with them and asks Theon for mercy for the little boys but Theon says so what he was a little boy when he got taken and he kept his word and never ran away as if that's something to be proud of and the teacher guy tries the "more valuable to you dead than alive" meme on him but he's not worried and is confident his sisters forces can back him up against the Starks and when the dogs start barking he tells the Maester "dont look so grim, its all just a game!" like he's such a manchild



then we cut to the wolves running through a field and the amazing group of Hodor carrying Bran, the little boy trying to pry open some wallnuts, which seems like a nervous habit for him, that Hodor helps him with and the wildling woman saying they need more food since he cant survive on wallnuts forever, but the little boy insits he'll be fine, but then they come across the farm Bran sent the two orphans to, Jack and Billy according to the little boy, I see GRRM ran out of fictional names here and just looked in a phonebook, but Bran's already a street wise shotcaller and knows it'd just put them in danger of being tortured by Theon's forces trying to find them but the wildling woman says they cant outrun their hounds forever as they weigh their options

then we see Jon waking up still with his arm wrapped around the wildling woman and she asks "did you pull a knife on me in the night?" referring to his MORNING WOOD lmao, and Jon suddenly recoils away from her as if he's scared she raped him in his sleep or some shit and his fear of siring a bastard might be realized, and he hops up and awkwardly flattens his jacket lmao and the redhead is like whats the big deal "cant be the first time you've pressed your bone against a woman's arse" and Jon edgily growls "lets move" and pulls her up to untie her but her virgin radar goes off and she's like "you're a boy who's never been with a girl? don't your stones start to hurt if your bone d-" and he tells her to stop calling them that and she winds him up by keep doing it and needling away at him saying "I heard they get all swollen and bruised if you dont use them" as Jon walks her through the hills on a rope this is literally like the start of a porno or something, or since its 2019 and porn doesn't have plot anymore the start of a hentai I guess would be more relevant, and she says "or maybe that's just what the guys say when they want me feeling sorry for them, as if I'd feel sorry for them" as if you don't fuck them all you THOT and she asks if since the nights watch have no women all the men just do it with each other lmao but Jon says "no, we swore an oath" and she asks "you have sheep at the wall?" innocent as if they really do fuck goats up there and then she settles on "just your hands then, no wonder you're all so miserable" lmao thats what Sams problem is, not doing nofap, Jon meanwhile has been nohands edging thinking about his sister for years if I know this show



and then they start screaming at each other about which one of them is really the free one, if Jon's gay or not, and how they're not the ones invading the wildlings land, they're the ones who invade south and tried to kill his brother (that I guess he read about in his message from bran@crows.com) but she insists this is all their land and they've been there the whole time and its them that put up the wall and said it was theirs, really makes ya think about the modern day issues of more advanced armies going to war against impoverished people claiming they attack them too, outside forces imposing borders on an area, colonizers displacing native people and, dare I say it, Israel... oh yeah and Trumps wall I guess but that's never being built so its not an issue, and Jon insists his family have blood of the first men, and the redhead just asks "so why are you fighting us?" and Jon doesn't have an answer so she just keeps walking, which makes me think even more, in fact what with the answer being "well we're scared you're planning to attack us" it makes me think about the whole war on terror and maybe this Mance Ryder figure uniting all these different poor people into one army, what with knowing all the Nights Watch tactics because they trained him, kinda reminds me of an Osama Bin Laden figure, and when she walks off with Jon standing there staring off into space like an idiot the rope starts pulling taunt making him follow her as if she's actually the one that's got him on the lead, makes ya think



then at the ruins the Lannister army are using as an HQ we see they are lynching what seems to be the servants one by one trying to get them to spill the beans on who killed that guy and Tywin looks out the window listening to the screams of torture victims with a pleasant look on his face like it doesn't bother him at all and he's in fact pleased that his army are efficiently questioning multiple possible witnesses at once as he sniffs the killers dart and identifies it as "wolfsbane, a rare substance, this is no common assassin" and The Mountain, played by the new actor who looks a bit too intelligent to be playing this attack dog brute character, booms to him "we hung 20 men last night" and Tywin demands "he tried to kill me, I want his name and his head", maybe he really does think that or is onto what really happened but doesn't want anyone else over reacting before he can see this thing with Arya play itself out, who's serving him his drink right now, and The Mountain growls "we think it was an infiltrator from the Brotherhood Without Banners", sounds like Soldiers Without Borders from Metal Gear Solid or some shit, which Tywin dismisses as "a pretentious name for a band of outlaws" but Tywin knows if they can keep harassing them they look like heroes while they look like fools which is how kings fall, and The Mountain grumbles "killing them isn't the problem, its finding them" as he eyes Arya handling a meat knife and skewer as if he's thinking these assassins could be anyone... even her... so I guess he's not that much of a mindless brute afterall, and Tywin teases "you going soft Clegene? always thought you had a talent or violence, burn the villages, burn the farms, let them know what happens when they choose the wrong side" and The Mountain just murmurs and leaves like razing a region is regular business for him, then there's an interesting exchange where Tywin says he doesn't like mutton and offers it to her, but Arya can tell he just wants to get her stuck in "casual" conversation with him and tries to make excuses to eat it later, shoulda said you were vegetarian that's what I did once when I was 12 to get out of eating with my American family and then just kept up the meme my whole life lmao, but he just orders her to sit and eat and offers her the carving knife as if testing to see if she'll have a go, and Tywin says she must be underfed but Arya slips up and shares that she eats loads but just never grows, something that must bother someone as independent as her, and Tywin goes "hmm" like he's had his suspicions confirmed, a stonesmiths daughter is well fed and taught to read? unlikely! but also perhaps that reminds him a bit of his own son and he takes this rare opportunity to be honest in this weird dynamic where he's got Arya by the balls, or ovaries or whatever



and she doesn't even know it so he can just have her merced whenever he wants and tells her that this will be his last war win or lose, I suppose because of his age, and Arya asks if he's ever lost a war, and he turns around and looks at her with an always simmering low burning contempt for the whole world and asks "you think I'd be in that position if I'd lost a war?" and Arya shakes her head shyly and he nods that she gave the right answer like he's almost her teacher and when he says "this is the one I'll be remembered for" Arya grips her knife as if she wants to take the opportunity to win the war for her family and she starts staring intently at the back of his neck as the rare score starts up as Tywin talks about how they're calling this "the war of five kings", I guess now that Theon's father has entered the ring it is, and this will be his legacy, and then he suddenly turns around to ask Arya "do you know what legacy means?" when she doesn't say anything and she has to quickly whip around back to her meal oh shit and he tells her "its what you pass on to your children's children, its what remains of you when you're gone" AKA passing on your memes as well as genes as a method of overcoming death if even a little, and he nods to her as if he's trying to impart his memes to Arya and is maybe just testing her steel by turning his back to her, and then he talks about how Harron the Black thought this greatest fortress ever built would be his legacy but now is in ruins, and he asks Arya if she knows what happened, and she says "dragons?" and he's pleased to hear she got it right and talks about how the fortress was built to withstand attack from land... but not from air, Harron and all his sons roasted alive inside these walls, and Arya looks around and realizes oh yeah, they are all scorched black and every non-stone thing is new, which I guess is what the dragons represent more specifically than just military might and WMDs, they're air superiority, which simply wouldn't exist otherwise in this world (dank idea for fanfiction I just had: the Game of Thrones planet but we jump ahead 2000 years to where they have modern technology, but still have to deal with shit like dragons, white walkers, smoke monsters and long ass winters) and Tywin says every child alive still knows that Targarian guys name which I've yet to remember because he changed the rules even though it was 300 years ago (so I guess his family was in power from then until only 13 years ago when Robert overthrew the Mad King), but then Arya has been reading her tumblr and corrects him that it wasn't just Aegon that changed the rules... it was also his sisters, which seems to be a theme in real world history where whenever a woman did something ebin she had to let her husband or brothers or father take the credit since otherwise no one would give it to her, but Tywin is pleased that she's a student of history and Arya starts talking about the names of the dragons they all rode that I guess she saw personally in the catacombs of Kingslanding and Tywin murmurs "I'm sure I knew that when I was a boy" as if jokingly not letting himself be out-trivia'd by a 12 year old girl and Arya talks admiringly about how great a warrior one of the sisters was that had a valarian steel sword and Tywin smiles as warmly as he can and asks "shes a heroine of yours I take it?" as if he's enjoying being a father figure again and maybe wishes his children had such respectable inclinations as Arya, and he asks why she's not more interested in things most young girls like like pretty maidens from songs, and Arya just says "most girls are idiots", which I believe is what they call a case of ye olde internalized misogyny (but she's also right lmao most stereotypical things for either gender are dumb shit), and Tywin goes "HAH!" probably the most he's laughed in years and says "you remind me of my daughter" (who outright hates other women lel), who is maybe his favorite child since we haven't heard him say anything bad about her yet, and he asks where she learned all this stuff, and Arya says longingly "from my father", and when Tywin says "mmhmm, he was a well-read stonemason", her eyes snap back up to his as if she's growing more confident and he says "cant say I've ever met a literate stonemason" hinting that he knows whats going on and Arya cheekily asks "have you met many stonemasons my lord?" and Tywin gives this mischievous smirk as if that's the first time someone's spoken back to him in years and he likes it but he warns "careful now girl, I enjoy you, but be careful" as he cant have her being cheeky to him in front of others, seems to be trying to teach her his memes and is letting her know she can't get away with cheek like that in front of any other powerful men so shouldn't get in the habit and maybe knowing his own harsh mentality too well that the second it stops being fun for him is the second she's in danger and whatever this fucked up situation is reaches it's next stage, interesting how everyone needs to walk on eggshells more and more the more and more powerful people get almost like an abusive relationship and reminds me of certain governments around the world even in the modern day, and maybe for her own safety but as a reward for playing along with him he tells her to take the food back to the kitchen and eat what she wants but as she leaves he stops her and says "m'lord... lowborn girls say "m'lord"... not "my lord", if you're going to pose as a commoner you should do it properly" and Arya wont risk letting her guard down to such a dangerous man who might just be trying to coax it out of her by being so jovial and she claims "my mother served Lady Dustin for many years MY LORD, she taught me how to speak proper-properly!" and Tywin gets a little smile like he approves of her keeping her mask up but then gets a bit more serious as he remembers if she made these mistakes when trying this on with anyone else not in such a forgiving mood she'd be a dead girl walking so warns her "you're too smart for your own good, anyone ever tell you that?" and Arya hides a smile as she remembers her father and then he dismisses her and Arya turns around looking scared as she realizes how close she just came to probably falling for his gambit to get her to drop even just a bit of her facade and Tywin sits there smiling as if he hasn't had this much fun in years but then stops himself as he remembers he can't let himself get carried away since this could be the assassin for all he knows, holy fuck this guys a great actor and every scene he's in is so based and layered with tensions



then we see Sansa walking down a hall past The Hound and stops him to thank him for saving her but he edgily says "a dog doesn't need courage to chase off rats" and Sansa asks him "does it give you joy to scare people?" and The Hound seems to sense she's considering a life of abusing power like everyone else is already doing around her so to scare her off he marches up and says "no, it gives me joy to kill people" and when she reacts in shock he points out her father too killed people and when she says "it was his duty he never liked it" he's just like "he lied, killings the sweetest thing there is" and Sansa gets uppity and asks "why are you always so hateful" idk his fucked up face might be a clue and he says "you'll be glad of the hateful things I do someday when you're queen... and I'm all that stands between you and your beloved king" I thought he just meant all the shit he does to protect that family and their power in general but he means stopping her husband from killing her lmao and she gets shook when she realizes he's right and storms off and The Hound looks like that was cruel but had to be done to toughen her up some more

then back in retarded storyline central Triple X is telling Dany one of the other Thirteen leaders must have done this and being a dumbass who doesn't know how to play anything more subtly than just blurting out her feelings she casts suspicion on him and he says they're nothing to him on their own, clearly trying to say he values her more, but Dany snaps NOTHING? THEY'RE MORE VALUABLE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD! literally like a bitchy girlfriend who can turn anything you say into a supposed attack on her holy moly get a grip woman and this dude must really love white pussy because he offers to let her look inside his vault to see he doesn't need anymore money and Dany snaps "there is no WE!" as he offers to help like the moron she is and when he tries to tell his usual spiel about how he grew up poor she just snaps I DONT CARE WHERE YOU'VE BEEN and storms off giving him one lass angry look as she goes past her like 1 remaining Dothraki guard who's this old dude, lmao it's almost like Dany's storyline is so annoying even she's getting sick of it

then with the other shit plot Jon is leading this redhead thot around on a rope by a frozen lake and she starts needling him about how they might not live in stone castles or have as good steel but they're free "if someone tried to tell us who we couldn't lie down with as man and woman we'd shove a spear up his arse" pretty sure most native tribes still had/have strict rules about who you can and cannot fuck other than very rare tribes where they don't have a concept of fatherhood or very odd superstitions about where babies come from and most are even more strict than more advanced societies since they don't have contraceptives, healthcare for childbirth, understand what STDs are and rely very heavily on a family unit keeping everyone fed especially in harsher climates but ok duuuude, but Jon points out that they all follow Mance Rayder, and she says they chose to and offers him again to defect and live a life free of responsibilities (even though I'm pretty sure living a life where if you mess up one day you fucking die from starvation or cold has more responsibilities than civilization where you can be a useless retard like Sam and still survive but ok duuuude) and of course le benis in bagina and offers to teach him how to do it but Jon's MGTOW vows will not be broken as he insists "I know how to do it" and SHE SAYS THE MEME "you know nothing, Jon Snow" WAIT A FUCKING SECOND ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS MEME LINE THAT REDDITORS SAY OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND PUT ON T-SHIRTS AND CARVE INTO THEIR ARM IS IN RESPONSE TO JON CLAIMING HE KNOWS HOW TO HAVE SEX?1?!?!? FOR YEARS I THOUGHT THIS LINE WAS ABOUT HOW HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT ELABORATE CONSPIRACY MACHINATIONS HES UP AGAINST OR HOW DANGEROUS NORTH OF THE WALL IS OR SOMETHING BUT ITS ABOUT HIM BEING A VIRGIN?!?!! AHAHAHHAHAA wow then she does the meme where she walks off edgily without saying anything so Jon can stand there staring like an idiot at nothing



then we get some comfy relaxing music as we pan from a tower across Robb's army's massive tent city that's by a lake and he is meeting with the Lannister messenger who is too nervous to tell him Cersei's reply but he assures him he wont be held accountable for her actions so he steels himself and says "she tore the paper in half, your grace" lul, but he tells his men to give him a clean pen so I guess he was always their captive and he knew he'd be recaptured if he went back and chose that over staying with Cersei lul but they still have the problem of having too many POWs already so they put him in Jaime's relatively nicer cage with more space and then the nurse lady comes up and asks for a minute of his time and somehow she can look at one of his advisers, I think even one of the edgy flaying guys, and get him to leave, somehow, ok I'm bored of this character already, can we just skip to the bit where it's revealed she's the spy? thanks, and apparently its not liked that shes treating enemies too and she's requesting more medical supplies and Robb likes it that she interrupts him and is so upfront about the issues of war probably because it reminds him of his mother and he invites her to come with him on his next official meeting

then at that farmhouse the runaways considered staying at we see Theon and his men bringing the tracking dogs around but they claim they can't find them much to Theon's distress because he doesn't want to be treated like "a fool and a eunuch by my own people" ah yes wouldn't that be a shame heheheheh and like some hiding-jews-in-ww2 shit his men drag out the old man who got given the orphans and Theon starts beating him when he swears he doesn't know where the boys are, and I actually like that we don;t know yet if they stayed there so the scene is more about Theon's descent into barbarism than the hunt for our heroes, but then the first mate guy finds the little autie brother's wallnut shells he somehow knows are his and he tells Theon to send the teacher guy home since he knows him whispering for mercy in his ear is making him weak

then back in retard-land Jorah has apparently ran across the entire city as his beta orbital attraction to Dany is just too strong who whines about how she couldn't protect her handmaiden and apparently her best friend handmaiden is missing too and Jorah says he shouldn't have left her among "these people" and shes like "these people?" yeah he means brown people, but she says the Targaryians sure aren't her people, and she says she only ever knew her brother, so I guess she was too young to remember her father, and she repeats his edgy line about how he'd have let a thousand men rape her for the crown lmao, then she whines about the Dothraki leaving her and the people in Westeros not knowing she's alive and since all her boasting was completely delusional she is now depressed that obviously won't happen literally like she is suffering from bipolar disorder and Jorah tries to egg her on, I guess maybe he's still getting orders from Varys to make this shit happen or he's just a massive orbiter, but she says shes done trusting people, even though she has no idea who stole the dragons to know if it was someone who betrayed her, and rebuffs Jorah as he tries to comfort her, who looks down like the depressed walking virgin from the walking meme and begs her to tell him how to help and she just says "find my dragons" and he scurries off, what a cucklord

and then back north of The Wall the redhead is taunts Jon for being lost and saying she's going to tell his commander they fucked and tries to talk him into fucking her since he might as well if it's his word against hers and then the rare score starts up with mysterious tension music as the redhead tells him not to be afraid of her nice wet and warm vagina lmao and Jon is such an uncomfortable virgin he actually puts his hands on his sword to scare her off lmao but then SHE PULLS THE ROPE SO HARD JON FALLS OVER AND THEN LEGS IT OFF UP A HILL AND DIVES DOWN A CREVASSE this guy is such a useless fucking moron lmao which is even more annoying than Dany since at least shit writing has gifted Dany with excuses to be loved but everyone just adores Jon to the point of begging him for cock despite him having a like 90 IQ and then out of nowhere the redhead stands up.... with two guys with spears beside her... and then Jon looks around and there's wildlings all around the hilltops surrounding him, and she says "shoulda took me while ya had the chance!" uh oh looks like it's reverse bitch raping time



speaking of rape Sansa is having a wet dream, well I say that as a joke but knowing this show maybe this is the angle they're going for, a PTSD nightmare about those guys trying to rape her but this time it ends with them pulling a knife and stabbing her and Sansa looks down to see on her thighs there's, no, not pussy juice, it's blood and is horrified to see SHES GOTTEN HER FIRST PERIOD so she goes to grab a knife from her table and rushes to cut out the blood stain on her sheets but Tyrion's cag catches her and Sansa cries that Cersei cant see or it'll be time to marry Joffrey and the cag instantly says "help me flip it over" as she's quite used to hiding stains on beds and then another handmaiden wanders in because these dopey cows cant learn to lock a door and she sees the I am pretty sure unrealistically massive blood stain on the bed and there is an amazing scene that reminds me of the bit in The Town where Ben Affleck and his buds are robbing a bank and some cop pulls up and sees them switching vans and they just awkwardly stare at each other until the cop simply looks away knowing he's not willing to risk his life over bags of cash where Sansa and cag freeze and stair at the handmaiden and she looks awkwardly between her, Sansa, the bed, realizes whats happening and rushes off



and cag chases after her but shes not pretending she didn't see anything shes going to tell Cersei and THE CAG PUTS A FUCKING KNIFE TO HER THROAT, THAT'S HOW WE DO IT IN THE NORF BITCH



and threatens her to shut the fuck up and the girl is shit scared and agrees and she lets her go but when the whore gets back to Sansa's room... THE HOUND IS STANDING THERE



and apparently he grasses them up because next we see Cersei telling Sansa it's no big deal, knowing full well what she's really upset about, and Sansa says her mother explained it to her but she thought it would be less... messy, which about sums up everything in this show, people have these grand ideas that leadership, marriage and battle will be nice and noble like in the fairytales but then get hit with the harsh reality that no they usually involve lots of violence lmao, and Cersei quips "just wait until you give birth" and she does her cunty thing where she talks about how bringing little princes and princesses into the world is what she used to dream about knowing full well how unhappy she is but then has a rare moment of trying to comfort her probably just because she knows if she gets too uppity Joffrey will kill her and tries to explain that he's always been "difficult", even his birth took a day and a half, and talks about how Robb would always go out hunting whenever she was in labor but it was Jaime who demanded to be there, probably knowing full well that they're probably his, and she has a little smile as if in her fucked up miserable life her brother she thinks she needs to lead on with sex is the only good love she has, and she tries to comfort Sansa that she wont love the king but she will his children, and she whimpers in a super sqeauky voice "I love the king with all my heart" and Cersei says "that's so very touching to hear" as if she really means that Sansa has already learnt she needs to lie about her feelings at all times to survive as a woman in this life but with a mean little smile as if it's out of sadism someone else has to suffer what she does as much as it means she'll survive for longer, and then she tells her "the more people you love the weaker you are, you'll do them favors you know you shouldn't, act the fool to keep them safe, love no one but your children, on that front a mother has no choice" idk there's some shit mothers in this world I mean the Red Lady let her one day old baby stab a gay man, and Sansa asks "shouldn't I love Joffrey?" and Cersei says sadly "you can try, little dove" as she knows already no one will ever really love her shithead son other than her

then we cut to Jaime locked up in his cage trying to place where this distant cousin is on his family tree as he has no idea who he is lmao and this guy awkwardly says "actually I squired for you once your grace, at william freys wedding" and Jaime just looks confused and asks "I went to william freys wedding?" in a goofy manner as if this guy has never had to learn to regulate his feelings like Cersei has and just says whatever vivacious embarrassing disrespectful shit comes to mind like some fucking Donald Trump shit but he starts to remember that his original squire got so drunk he threw up on his horse on the way to the tournament because of Tyrion plying him with alcohol the night before lmao and then he remembers his cuz, who is overjoyed but calms himself down when he remembers what a serious situation they're in, but Jaime compliments him on not overdoing his role, and the cousin is about to say something when a guard shushes him and then he gets embarrassed but Jaime says "more embarrassing than being chained to a post covered in your own shit?" so the guy starts gushing about how cool Jaime looked to him that day and how it was the best day of his life and Jaime is very flattered eating up all the ego boosting but then catches himself as he remembers this dude might get killed at any time and the guy turns bitter and starts ranting about how he hated having to leave and go back to sit with his mediocre family but Jaime says he understands since he used to be a squire himself as a 16 year old for a man who was "a painter who only used red" and hated leaving the battlefield because it was like a dream come true and then confesses that it led him to actually squiring for the enemy forces lmao, I guess this was before his sister was queen so there was less scrutiny on him, and he admits it's a good thing he is who he is since he'd be useless at anything else, being an arrogant royal prick I guess he means, and he starts getting antsy about being a prisoner, mocking Ned that he'd have made a good prisoner, to get the idea in his cousins head about escaping and probably only listening to him and saying all that shit to him which could have been made up to get him on his side so he'll get close to him and listen intently as he whispers his idea to him which is "YOU'LL HAVE TO DIE" and the cousin stares at him confused what he means, such an innocent man



only for JAIME HEADBUTTS HIM, THROWS HIM ON THE GROUND AND STARTS SMASHING HIS FACE IN so that when a guard comes to check Jaime is huddled up pretending to sleep with his cousin convulsing as he dies on the ground he's lured over to check on him, could have really just asked him to fake it but ok my dude, but when he bends down JAIME LEAPS UP AND STARTS STRANGLING THE GUARD WITH HIS CHAINS AND CRUSHES HIS WINDPIPE WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE until he stops wriggling so he can get his keys to escape, damn this guy is a fucker but I love it since he's a Chad who fucks his sister lmao



then back in Qatar there is some slight edge where that woman in the gimp mask is painting some sort of protection symbols onto a naked sailors back with the blood from a goats skull as Jorah arrives to demand the dragons with his hand on his sword but she tells him "draw your sword and see what its worth" as if maybe her gimp mask is sword-proof of something and then edgily says "will you betray her again?" I guess she knows that he used to work for Varys but then she gives him the pro-tip that the thief is with her right now, and then we cut to the Spiceking getting triggered at being suspected by triple X and Dany who starts whining that they're her children and will die without her, idk I am pretty sure anyone can feed a lizard some meat, and this calling them her children thing is like the ye olde version of "dog mommies" on instagram who very sadly and cringily pretend their dogs are their babies which is like the female version of waifuism, and another member of the Thirteen calls her out for threatening them previously and the Spiceking says it's better off these horrible creatures are gone and the creepy AIDS dude offers his help by taking her to The House of the Undying... WHERE HE TOOK THEM, and when he says the King of Qarth agreed to steal them from them, and the other members laugh because there isn't a King of Qarth, and the one Dothraki dude left readies his weapon as he can sense some bullshits going down and Triple X starts ranting about how he intends to open up Qarth or the whole world, fucking libtard globalist shill! and the creepy AIDS man goes to stand next to him but the Spiceking says "three dragons the size of cats and an alliance with a charletan do not make you a king" and XXX says some pretentious shit about how those in the margins come to control the centre and then the AIDS dude declares Dany will have her dragons back as ELEVEN COPIES OF THE CREEPY AIDS GUY APPEAR BEHIND THE OTHER ELEVEN MEMBERS AND SLIT THEIR THROATS



oh I guess we won't be learning about any of the other leaders very nice and interesting storyline there definitely not cut short to save writing and casting efforts, and Dany gasps at this advanced use of kage bunshin no jutsu from Naruto and runs away in fear but runs into another copy of the AIDS guy and the Dothraki guard goes to fight him but Jorah appears behind the clone and stabs him through the back like heh, nothin personel kid, but the clone just says joyously to Dany "a mother should be with her children!" and then his body implodes into his robes that drop empty to the ground as he pops out of existence or some shit and then another clone walks up and asks "where will you run to Daenerys Stormborn? your dragons wait for you in the House of the Undying" and her men realize killing him is pointless so escort Dany out, ok, this is fucking retarded, what is this, fucking Matrix Reloaded or something with all the Agent Smiths appearing from around every corner? literally and unironically feels like content from another show, even the way it's filmed seems like it's on a lower budget, like it looks like Legend of the Seeker or some shit while the rest of the show is a movie-level production, how the FUCK am I meant to care about any of the other stories when this shit is going on, like if Tywin is so rich why not just pay this guy, who somehow lives in the same universe as him, to make clones of him, "grounded and logical consequences" my fucking ass, get the fuck outta here with this anime shit, this is like what people complain about "shared universes" in comic books and shit where you have characters like The Punisher shooting sex traffickers in the same setting as Galactus eating a planet, except this isn't different franchises retroactively said to be taking place in the same universe to sell comic books, these are simply different scenes in the same TV show lmao



then at Robb's army a guy barges into Cats tent and Brie stops him and he says "get your hands off me woman" and she snarls with either actual bad acting or Brie overcompensating to try and seem more aggressive than she actually is "don't enter without an invitation MAN" fucking feminism gone mad, and the guy realizes this woman's a bit off the reservation and it's not worth making a thing about it so just says "forgive me" and then looks right in the camera like its a POV scene and says "lady stark! they caught the king slayer" and she goes outside to see Jaime being led through an angry crowd on a chain as people scream at him that he's a murderer and demanding he hang and Jaime just has a smug look on his face like it's just funny he's gotten these people so riled up and some guards start beating him as he rolls around on the ground but then some Santa looking motherfucker demands vengeance for his son and the guards are about to fight him off but Cat orders him to stop on authority of being Ned's widow and his Kings mother since women can only have authority from proximity to men in this world really makes ya think but Santa talks shit about how Robb is taking influence from the foreign woman and Brie goes full whiteknight and half-draws her sword and says "threatening m'lady is an act of treason!" but Cat manages to talk Santa down by saying Jaime crippled her own son so she wants justice for him too and he says he'll demand his head from Robb and marches off in a huff and Jaime cockily says "thanks for fighting on my behalf" and then calls her "quite a she-wolf" and Cat orders him put in the stockades and to gag him as they pull the grinning cheeky cunt away



then we see Cersei and Tyrion alone in her bedroom at night, oh my, and they needle each other about Cersei not being able to stand looking at her handmaidens anymore, I guess she just resents younger woman who have more time to run up on their looks and biological clock than her or something, and Tyrion warns that Stannis fleet of 200 ships will be there in 5 days tops and since their father isn't there to save them they need Joffrey to start acting like a real king, who I'm surprised there wasn't immediately a storyline about him having that entire area of the city genocided for attacking him but I guess this was in ye olden times before you could pick rioters out of a crowd with weaponized autism looking at the 9999 videos from twitter, and Cersei calls him out for "giving the boy whores to abuse" and Tyrion admits he was wrong to think it'd help, and then says seriously "if we cant control him..." since they have the mutual problem of an army coming to kill them both never mind the whole city wanting to do the same right now and Cersei says "he doesn't listen to me" and Tyrion blames her for putting a crown on his head and Cersei confesses "I always hoped he'd be like Jaime" don't know if that's too low a bar since Jaime's a backstabbing sociopath or too high a bar and you want to fuck him lmao and yeah she creepily says "he looks like Jaime... in a certain light" I guess admitting to Tyrion that yeah that's his dad but Tyrion half-heartedly denies it as if it's better for everyone involved to just keep lying about it but she says "Robert was a drunken fool but he didn't enjoy cruelty" I guess the implication there being if she wishes he was more like Jaime she worries he takes after her too much and then wonders aloud if he is their "penalty for their sins" and Tyrion tries to excuse it by bringing up the Targaryans probably trying to keep on her good side and keep her confessing and she says that's what they'd tell each other in their moments of doubt and what she told Ned, but half the Targaryens went mad and she worries if that's what's wrong with Joffrey and Tyrion makes more excuses for her that Tommen and Myrcella are decent, pretty sure it takes several generations of in-breeding to get the bad effects and they are usually compounding birth defects rather than personality disorders it's probably down to everyone in his family being an abusive manipulative sociopath that's the issue (there's NOTHING wrong with incest!!!) and Cersei starts to cry at her horrific situation like it'd be easier if just 100% of her family were shitheads so she didn't have to care but she has to look after the nice young kids, probably Tyrions intention, and he very awkwardly walks towards her as if he's about to comfort her but then looks away awkwardly, and they look at each other like it might be Tyrion emotionally abusing her but that's also the reality of their relationship that there's no comfort between them, sad but kino stuff



then back at Robb's army camp there are men arguing about what to do with Jaime and it breaks out in a shoving match and Brie warns her it'll turn violent and Jaime wont last the night so they go to his cage to a chained up Jaime and Cat does the "leave us" meme to the guards and Jaime seems completely nonchalant about knowing he's dying tonight like he likes to put on a tough guy front but also doesn't actually have anything to live for than a fucked up affair with his sister that'll obviously end in doom for both of them and Cat says it's his fault for strangling that guys son to death with his chains and Jaime just acts super smug and says any knight would have done the same, as if they are ye olde spec ops soldiers or something, and Cat shames him for forgetting his vows, but Jaime just cockily points out they'r a bunch of contradictory nonsense anyway, all about honoring your father and not hurting the innocent and following the kings orders, but what happens if your father hates the king and the king kills the innocent? as if from his point of view everyone else is a hypocrite shithead too but at least he doesn't lie to himself about it, and when he mocks Brie's stature Cat says she's a better knight than he ever saw Kingslayer and Brie looks super proud of herself (cant wait for the scene where she gets gangraped by bulls or something knowing this show) and Jaime does the meme where he prattles off all the Mad Kings titles to show how little respect he has for all this bullshit when it can be undermined by one king happening to be a lunatic and ironically he's probably saved the most innocent lives out of anyone by stabbing the dude in the back and Cat says he has no honor and Jaime taunts "you know... I've never been with a woman other than Cersei... so in my own way I have more honor than poor old dead Ned, what was the name of that bastard he sired? Snow? when he came home with some whores baby did you pretend to love it? no, you're an honest woman, you hated that boy didn't you? the walking talking reminder that the honerable Lord Stark fucked another woman!" and she orders Brie forward but then takes her sword herself and Jaime looks satisfied as if that's what he was intending, just taunt her into killing him right there and then to get it over with, so the angry crowd doesn't torture him before or some shit, but then we cut away, also top kek at Jaime claiming to only have been with Cersei, which is probably a lie but a characterization I'd believe since this guys all about having a massive ego, he might not even give a shit about fucking women he knows for a fact he could get with his amazing looks and wealth because that wouldn't inflate his ego, probably why he wants to fuck his sister, since she's the one woman in the seven kingdom he SHOULDN'T be able to fuck so he has to prove to himself that he can, another man who maintains his masculine energy by thot patrolling, based & incestpilled



then we cut to Theon being edgy at Winterfell giving a speech to his new subjects ranting about how they seem to be asking what happens if they don't obey him as Brans old Maester teacher guy is dragged to the front of the crowd as Theon announces "this is the answer to your question" as he has THE BURNT TO A CRISP DEAD BODIES OF THE LITTLE ORPHAN BOYS JACK AND BILLY HOISTED UP ON NOOSES AS THE APPALLED CROWD SCREAMS EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 30 and the teacher howls in horror as the first mate gives a big shit eating grin as Theon flinches as he looks at them and then looks down like he's ashamed of himself, that was extremely fucking edgy but it was appropriate in the sense of all the people we've seen doing edgy as fuck things have either been sadistic psychos about it or le stoic hardmen doing what must be done but this is the first time we've seen someone visibly hating themselves for it which is an interesting angle to take that Theon might be an insecure coward but he's only done this atrocity because him pathetically trying to live up to the expectations of his disgusting culture and cruel father which has a bit more to say about the human condition than "he's just a cunt lol" like some of the nameless Lannister soldiers in Arya's storyline or it being purposefully ambiguous as to what's wrong with Joffrey





Game of Thrones 2x08: "The Prince of Winterfell"
Arya's Death Note exploits special edition
First aired: May 20, 2012

ok first scene is Theon and his first mate looking on approvingly as a basket of dead crows is thrown out a window to make sure no one else there can sneak out messages I guess but then in through the front gate rides Yara and all her men who just ride straight passed Theon and they set themselves up in the hall to have a feast and she has her feet up on the table and mocks through a mouthful of chickenleg the episode titledrop "if it isn't HBO's Game of Thrones Season 2 Episode 8 The Prince of Winterfell!" really jesus christ and Theon says she should have respect for her brothers achievement and she just bullies him saying "we saw the bodies, which gave you the harder fight, the cripple or the 6 year old?" (hol up if this planet has such unreliable seasons then how come their years are consistent? I guess the planet revolves around the sun like ours but is on a wonky axis itself or something) thinking they're the Stark kids and the men all laugh at what a pussy Theon is and I guess Theon is actually trying to pass those two kids off as Bran and the other shota idk if we the audience are meant to think that I doubt it but it's just Theon being a dishonest little shit and he tries to justify his actions but Yara says they were the brave ones for trying to escape, as if she doesn't have so much a moral problem with killing kids, just that it's obviously pathetic to brag about doing it, and when Theon gets huffy that they promised him she cuts him off and asks "your little boy prisoners made you a promise and broke them? ARE YOU THE DUMBEST CUNT ALIVE?" as if she has zero respect for her pampered pussy brother and Theon tries to maddog her and says "call me a-" but Yara butts in and says "a cunt? a dumb cunt who killed the only two Starks in Winterfell?" and Theon tries to defend himself saying "the Northerners would think me weak" but she says "you are weak, and stupid" lmao this girl fucking rules every other female character is obsessed with how they'll never be respected as equals and here Yara is with macho big dick energy humiliating the prince in front of the army she commands absolutely based and Theon grumbles "I'm warning you!" and Yara just glares at him and says "go on then... warn me" and Theon doesn't say shit since he knows she could probably beat his ass lmao so he changes the topic like they're little kids squabbling and says "you haven't brought enough men to defend Winterfell!" and she smiles and says they're there to take him home and Theon gets super triggered and says "is this a joke?! Winterfell is the heart of the North!" but she's like "a hundred miles from the sea, did you forget we're islanders baby brother? our power comes from our ships" and says that every man in the North wants to see him hanged for what he did to the Stark boys, and Theon being a dumb little pussy says Robb wont find out since he killed all the ravens and insists he's taken Winterfell and will keep it as if he did anything at all and Yara, realizing her dipshit brother is so out of his depth he'll just keep fucking things up even worse, does the fucking "leave us" meme to her men and then tries to act softer by saying they both loved their mother and endured their father so just come home with his sister, but he refuses, and she tells what to her is a nice anecdote telling him he was such a noisy annoying baby that she considered just strangling him one night but when he looked up at her he stopped crying so I guess she has some affection for him even if no respect or is just flat out manipulating him and walks off with Theon looking shook like his life is ruined now and he can't even maintain a little power over one building



then we cut to Jon being brought by the wildlings to a bigger group of them and the thot offers him to The Lord of Bones who has decorated his armor with animal bones and is using some sort of big at skull it seems as a mask but they've already captured Halfhand so don't care about any more prisoners and he orders his men to gut him and the thot tries to defend him saying he could have killed her dozens of times but he ain't interested until she doxxes him and the bonelord guy walks up to her and says "he runs, I chop his balls off" and she says "he runs, all do it me sel" since she's got some weird Northern English accent going on and then she tells Jon they're even I guess for sparing each other and then they put him down next to Halfhand and he apoglozies for not being able to kill her and he explains they got caught trying to find him and Jon assumes the others are dead and Halfhand lets him think that for motivation and tells him "don't let it be for nothing" to egg him on in helping to escape or some shit



then we see Robb and his waifu walking through the woods talking about the woman he's never even met he's engaged to for a bridge and how he thought his dad was perfect so he'd do anything for him and thinks everyone thinks highly about their fathers but she's like nah believe me *daddy issues alarm goes off* and then there's some extreme kino which I am pretty sure is a line ripped off from Braveheart or something but Robb talks about how Ned woke up afraid and went to bed afraid for his people and he asked him "how can a man be brave if he's afraid" and Ned replied "that is the only time a man can be brave" which sounds pretentious but it's true, if you're not afraid of something then it's no issue to deal with it, like a sky diving instructor with hundreds of jumps isn't brave for jumping out the door if it's just another day at work for him but the dude he's with who it's his first time and he's shitting his pants but does it anyway who is brave, but then again maybe it's better not to need to be brave lmao, but I guess if you were never scared of anything you'd probably have a boring life or be a bit fucked in the brain and more likely to make rash mistakes, and this woman seems to want to get Robb to call off the war, maybe from the goodness of her heart but yeah right it's going to turn out her dad is Tywin or something and she's his whatever you call a female bastard, but Robb says he's doing it to keep his people safe from the Lannisters... and he also wants "justice" on Joffrey, and before she can question him anymore a rider rides up and tells Robb that Jaime escaped in the middle of the night (again (great security you have here dipshit))

then we see Robb marching up to Cat demanding to know why she let him go which I guess she just admitted and she says for the girls since yeah they'd be more in danger if they were mad at Jaime getting executed look how rectum ravished Robb is about Ned and Robb has a tanty about her betraying him by a bad reason but she points out he's her only child who isn't being being held captive (completely discounting Jon lmao rekt) and the Santa guy whines about how he'd cut out his heart if it'd let his sons step from their graves into a cell and Robb says Jaime played her for a full and she brought discord to his camp (so now everyone will become tranny weebs) and orders another 40 men hunting for Jaime

who is getting further this time than his last shitty escape attempt because Brie is riding him out into the woods and lets him drop off a horse before she takes his hood off and he immediately starts needling her saying "you're much uglier in daylight" lmao and starts angling for her doxx and wont shut the fuck up asking her if she's gay or goes with horses lmao but Brie shoves him down on his knees to spy on a bridge that has some peasants crossing and tells him she hates him for harming those he swore to protect and Jaime's got a bit of the Joker in him since he finds all this talk of heroism awfully dull since it's all a farce that gets you no where from his perspective and asks "has anyone ever told you you're as boring as you are ugly?" lmao she's not that fucking ugly she's just tall but I guess this is a show for Americans where if you're not an 11/10 with nanomachine assisted plastic surgery to keep your facial features symmetrical to the atom you need to die never mind be on TV and Brie grumbles "you will not provoke me to anger!" and Jamie basically does the "u mad for responding lmao" meme like he's a man in the wrong time and place and would be more at home shitposting on a message board and starts taunting about how she couldn't beat him in a fair fight since there's only three men who maybe could (The Mountain, The Hound and maybe the Knight of Roses I guess since he doesn't know about Bronn yet or knows Brie dabbed on him previously) and she says all her life she's been knocking men who mock her into the dust so he taunts her to unlock his chains and see what happens, literally "1v1 me irl fagit" shitposting, but Brie's not falling for it and orders him into a little fishing boat that's suspiciously conveniently there and rows him down the river



then in Tywin's HQ he is being told that Stannis will be able to take Kingslanding in the hour and it's not too late to evacuate his family and the counsel but surrendering isn't in Tywin's vocabulary and insists Joffrey stay and fights and one of the general guys says the Greyjoys did them a favor delaying some of Robb's troops but Tywin knows Robb doesn't know enough yet to be afraid of attacking when not at full force so Tywin decides on sending out an army that night to get on the offensive and orders The Mountain to maintain a garrison here and destroy this Brotherhood, who I guess are just locals not to happy with the Lannisters occupying their land or something, and unfortunately for her he gives Arya to him too, and she goes outside to see shit loads of people being lynched having not given up whoever assassinated that knight guy and she stumbles upon one of the asshole prisoners she saved who starts ranting about fucking her with her sword now she's a girl very edgy but he's interrupted by his commander calling him to action, to "hunt some wolves", I guess the Brotherhood who support the Starks, so I guess all those prisoners have just been conscripted into the Lannister forces since they weren't already on their side or they wouldn't have been in that cage leaving Kingslanding, and then we see the fat kid talking about the only thing he actually knows about, food, with the blacksmith guy and Arya demands to know where that creepy weirdo assassin is and actually grabs the fat kids ears to force him to tell him but he says he's already ridden off and Arya looks as Tywin rides off, wasting her chance to merc him, guess you should have just told him to kill Tywin right away you dumb bitch, I really loved the scenes with Arya for the depth it brought out in Tywin but holy moly his this le poetic dashing rouge assassin guy a dumb concept



then with Jon, Halfhand is trying to convince Jon to go undercover in Mance's army as a spy... like... literally right next to the wildlings who all speak English lmao, but Jon says they wont trust him, but Halfhand just tells him "not if you do what needs to be done" and then gets into character and starts screaming abuse at him for getting those men killed so he can go shag a wildling girl and Jon being the IQlet he is doesn't get that he's just pretending there's bad blood against them so Jon can earn their trust by killing him and actually thinks he's mad at him and gets sad lmao so Halfhand has to sell it more by shoving him down the hill but the Bonelord tells him he's not his to kill and drags him off for the redhead thot to look down at Jon like he's such a dumbass

then back at Kingslanding Tyrion is getting pissed at Bronn cleaning his fingernails at his desk and not wearing a goldcloak and Bronn explains it's too shiny so gives your position away and makes it too hard to move quickly, which sounds like the logic I used when picking my clothes in DayZ lmao, and Tyrion gives in only for Bronn to start obnoxiously staring at him and tapping his fingers since he thinks Tyrion trying to plan a defence by reading a bunch of history books is pointless and Varys comes sneaking up to compliment Tyrion on how he's running the goldcloaks as theft is way down but it's actually Bronn who did that, which I'm sure Varys knows and is just testing their loyalty or something, and he asks Bronn how he managed it and he went with the ol President Deuterte method of crime reduction and says him and the lads just killed all the known theives and Tyrion is about to bitch at him when he explains it's the starvation that kills most of the people in a siege situation and they cant thieves in that situation with Varys agrees with and then makes a cheeky comment about the quality of the book he's reading's writing as if to hint that yes a book isn't going to save you you fucking STUPID NERD READING IS GAY so Tyrion takes out a map of the city and starts deducing the weak points Stannis knows about and will attack and Bronn jokes that they can throw books at him but Varys says they don't have enough books and Tyrion says they do have enough "pig shit" what is he gonna make a bomb from the methane in it or something

then back north of The Wall we see Sam is somehow alive and digging a latrine pit with his mates worrying about what's happened to Jon when they uncover an ancient stone with markings from the First Men and when they move it they find it's actually... WTF IS THIS A HATCH FROM LOST LMAO? but no it's just hiding a pack full with an ornate horn and "dragon glass" aka obsidian, I guess sand that got created by dragons flame and is especially hard or something



then back with Arya she bumps into a soldier who gives her a soft slap on the head for spilling water on him but when she looks up the edgy assassin guy is there and she moans at him for not being there to kill Tywin and he says he cant catch up to him now but offers to kill anyone else he can and she makes him swear it on all the gods which he does and then she bends down and SHE TELLS HIM HIS OWN NAME and he's like n-nani?! "this is no joking thing!" and she's like "I'm not joking, "a man" can go kill himself" lmaooooooooo and he actually begs her to un-name him as if he really will be compelled because of his religion or whatever to do it and she says ok.... if he helps them escape, and he says "a girl lacks honor" and she just shrugs like welcome to the streets nigga whatup punk and he gives in lmao this character is such a living meme



then at night Tyrion is having dinner with Cersei who calls his new squire an "odd little boy", which he says he has an affinity for, and she says "you and Varys both" lmao literally ye olde pizzagate conspiracy theory and he tries to banter about her cooking or lack thereof but Cersei isn't in the mood and says "I hear Joffrey is planning on fighting" and Tyrion starts joking about how he'll be an inspiration in his shining armor, so I guess she means literally fighting himself not just staying to order the holding of the city, but Tyrion says he's old enough since he's 17 and younger boys are going to fight for him, oh I thought he was meant to be like 13, ok then he definitely is a fucking weirdo incel lmao, they really cast someone who looks inbred well here lmao, but Cersei knows his place isn't on the battlefield and Tyrion says "or on the throne" and his squire looks scared at the ground like he hopes to fuck Cersei doesn't have him killed for hearing this frank talk so it doesn't leak and Cersei's like "you think I'm stupid" and Tyrion says "no I think you have above average intelligence" lmao I can see why redditors like him because he talks almost entirely in the witticisms of a man(let) enlightened by his own euphoric intelligence[ and she says almost excited like she hopes is true so she has the justification to fuck his shit up that he sent away her daughter and wants to send his oldest son into battle to die and Tyrion, probably actually at the stage where he figures it'd be better if his nephew just got killed one way or another so the situation would then be the younger boy being King and a regent would be appointed that he's probably angling to be what with being the current Kings Hand or even if it was his sister pulling the strings they'd at least have someone who's not an demented incel in charge, and he minimizes it saying he'll have his kingsguard protecting him and the finest armor and the men will fight more fiercely with him by their side and Cersei can tell where he got this idea from and asks "do you know why Varys is so dangerous?" and Tyrion says "because he has thousands of spies in his employ, because he knows everything we do before we do it" like its obvious but Cersei says BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE A COCK (oh so she knows that and its not just his balls missing?) and Tyrion whispers loudly NEITHER DO YOU lmaoooo Cersei cis or post-op confirmed and Cersei grits her teeth like she hates being a woman but at least she's not a brainlet male and hisses "and perhaps I am dangerous, you, on the other hand, are as big a fool as every other man, that little WORM between your legs does half your thinking" and Tyrion says exactly what I'd write him to say "it's not that little" as he sips his drink like he doesn't give AF and Cersei laughs not his joke but as if she thinks its pathetic of course that's the thing he'd rush to defend tags: incest, femdom, SPH



and Tyrion gets freaked out seeing his miserable cunt sister giggly for once and asks "why are you smiling?" and she says "because I'm happy" and Tyrion's like "and why are you happy" and Cersei sits down next to him and drops the bombshell BECAUSE I HAVE YOUR LITTLE WHORE and Tyrion bricks it but tries to play it cool and just fires back "thought you preferred blonds" in reference to her fucking half her blond male family members lmao and she just says in a sing song voice "such a droll little fellow, tell me, have you married this one yet? no? good, father will be so pleased" as she smirks at him with that malevolent look in her eyes as Tyrion tries to keep his face from tripping him and asks defensively "why do you care who I fuck?" and Cersei does the meme "because a Lannister always pays her debts, you sent my only daughter away, plan to have my son killed" and Tyrion realizes she thinks they're in some autistic tit for tat battle when he's trying to keep the city standing and says "this is madness, Stannis will be here in days, you need me" hoping to get her off it for his cags sake and Cersei just mocks "for what? your skill in battle?!" and stares him down with no response so she starts gearing up the edge saying "pretty thing, your whore, lovely body, the bruises will heal in time" with venom as if she hates other women as much as men and Tyrion struggles to hide his fear and asks "where did you find her?" and she just says "Varys isn't the only one that hears whispers... really, a Lannister lion necklace? you need to hide your secret WHORES more secretly" and Tyrion says "you forgot the most important thing about whores" and she can see where he's going already and says "oh you're the expert tell me" lmaoooooooo and he says "you don't buy them, you only rent them" and she looks at him like it's amusing how pathetically shit a job he's doing pretending not to care and tells him "you're usually a better liar baby brother, this one you like, you like her very much, could it be love?" and looks at him with a fucked up malicious version of an older sisters gossipy teasing and she says "don't worry, she'll be treated gently enough, unless Joffrey is hurt, then every wound he suffers she'll suffer too, and if he dies? there isn't a man alive who could devise a more painful death for your little CUNT" and then gives a hungry grin like it's so deeply gratifying to have this man who tries to control her life by the, well, balls, I really have some bad taste in women since Cersei just became like twice as attractive to me lmao, >tfw no gf for Cersei to threaten to torture to death, and Tyrion struggles to keep his poker face from entirely crumbling and tries to keep his head in the game and asks the ol meme "how do I know you haven't killed her already?" and Cersei taunts in a playful voice "would you like to see her? I thought you might... Ser Mandon bring in my brothers whoooore" and her personal guard goes out and Tyrion, breathing heavy and looking like he's about to vomit, turns around to see the guards bringing in... ROS? I think that's who that is, and I guess I forgot that the necklace she wears that Theon gave her, no, wait, it wasn't him, she told him that Tyrion gave it to her right, and she's just there by coincidence or like realized that's where the real money is, I forget, did Tyrion give a necklace to the new cag too? anyway nice reveal that would have been better if I could remember who half of these hundreds of fucking characters were



and she's got a bloody lip and a black eye but is otherwise not too badly roughed up, and Tyrion realizes his luck and plays along saying "I'm sorry they hurt you, you must be brave, I promise I will free you" and takes her hand trying to signal for her to keep playing along, and Ros, probably catching on that they think she means a lot more to him than she does already and figuring Cersei would whack her if she found out she isn't the main course has probably already been playing along and tells him "don't forget about me" before being escorted back out, and Tyrion tries to hide his relief and keep his face tripping with dread again and Cersei just has this huge cunty grin on her face and Tyrion goes full edge and says "I'll hurt you for this, a day will come when you think you're safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth, and you will know the debt is paid" and Cersei just smiles to him and whispers "get...... out" and when he leaves her smile fades a bit as she worries what he might do but then smiles again as if she thinks it's all worth it just to feel the pleasure of putting the fear of god into him at the moment ooh what a cunt I love it



then we see Tyrion foolishly rushing back to his room and yelling Shae! super loud, yeah real good at keeping secrets mate, and when she appears he tells her "you're beautiful" as he's so relieved she's ok and he gets down on his knees as she sits on the bed and tells her she needs to be more careful since there's people who want to hurt him, and she promises to cut off their faces as if she doesn't know how serious it is and he tells her "I'd kill for you, you know that? I expect I'll have to before this is over.... you're mine" and he starts to cry as he says "promise me" as if he can't go through all this just to have another hooker lover who cuckolds him and she says "I'm yours and you are mine" and holds him close, this would probably be a good time to, you know, fucking tell her what just happened and how she needs to leave the city ASAP because his sadistic cunt sister wants to murder her and they're about to get siege'd in about a day anyway but like Cersei says his cock does half the thinking and wants her close

then we see the edgy skinning clan guy telling Robb there's no responses from the ravens they've sent to Winterfell but promises his bastard will save them as Robb fumes about if Theon hurts his brothers and he says to send another raven saying any ironborn that surrenders can return home, and the edgy clan guy is about to recommend not having too much mercy, but then Robb says "any ironborn with the exception of Theon Greyjoy" because he personally wants his head and the edgy clan guy says he figures his countrymen will turn him in the second they hear the offer and then the boring nurse lady we're on a ticking clock until she betrays him comes in and his general guy leaves again as if she's so important and asks how he's doing and he starts listing off all his problems lmao and she says sorry for asking and they have yet another conversation about him not wanting to be King and she talks about not wanting her life as a Lady either and tells a story that gets some rare musical score at the end about knowing she wanted to be a doctor and would object to slavery when witnessing a slave (who had a fish tattoo on his face so people know his slave job without even having to talk to them which might come up later) using mouth to mouth to save her brother from drowning as a little girl and halfway through the story Robb is tensing up as if he's executing some horrible edgy shit to happen but it's actually a happy ending (which is how I can tell it's BULLSHIT, I swear I haven't read any spoilers, but its just very obvious that this girls too good to be true and is a spy lmao) and Robb immediately bolts up and says "I don't want to marry that girl" and starts making out with her and they strip off each others clothes and start making love on the floor yyyyup shes a spy since it's our first sex scene that's meant to be nice and romantic and isn't some sad scene of whoring or rape and this show needs to be edge 24/7



then back with Arya the fat kid is prattling on about food again (which is apparently the most major theme of the books left out, fatass GRRM likes to meticulously describe what food someone is eating every change he gets lul) as Arya and Gentry discuss being told to wait by the gate by the edgy assassin guy when she suddenly realizes whats going on and approaches the gate much to the shock of the boys... only to find the guards posted there are dead and have been literally posted in their position by the edgy guy so they seem at watch from afar and they're able to just walk out the front door

then on Stannis' main ship we see some men testing these huge catapults they have at the front as he compliments Davos about how he retook the meme people say about him being the Onion Knight to be his sigil and flag and Davos jokes "my son wishes I'd change it, three mermen with tridents, something like that" which even gets a tiny laugh out of the usually humorless Stannis and he tries to tell him not to let the highborn families look down on him because they weren't the real heroes of the war against the Mad King like they were and Davos tries to defend ol King Rob but Stannis is still butthurt about even Renly being given rewards despite not fighting a day in his life and Stannis goes on an edgy rant about how his war wasn't so glorious and in a siege they had to eat the horses and then the cats and then the dogs and then the rats and his wife was so sick he thought she'd die but then Davos someone smuggled his onions through the battle lines and after all that his brother gave fucking Renly that castle after it was all over, and he promises Davos he'll be his right hand when he's king, who gets down on his knees in gratitude, I can see why Stannis is so popular (with the more autistic part of the fanbase) now since he's so straight forward and dutiful while every other character is some dishonest little schemer or self-doubting moron who gets rused constantly

then back in Kingslanding the soldiers are all getting ready as Joffrey storms about with Varys and Tyrion behind him with him bitching at them for not giving them enough intel and Varys says he hasn't heard from his "little birds" since Theon took Winterfell, maybe implying those two orphan boys were in his employ, and Joffrey says they need to strike at the Starks now because his fucking epic masterplan is to simply go meet his uncle when he makes landfall, which I thought he meant like convince him to team-up with him and just be a happy family, but when Tyrion says "I'm sure you're men will be right behind you" hoping this dickhead goes and gets himself killed Joffrey says "they say Stannis never smiles... I'll give him a red smile! from ear to ear" and shows off his fancy golden sword, wow edgy



and Varys bows to him as he struts off but then looks at Tyrion like what a fuckin shit show m8 and Tyrion says "I wish we could converse as two honest intelligent men" and Varys just cocks his head and says "I wish we could too" as he knows Tyrion's a sneaky cunt who cant be trusted... and one who knows full well he is too and Tyrion remembering what his sister said and probably figuring they'll all die soon anyway just straight up asks Varys "what do you want? tell me" and Varys bends down and says condescendingly "if we're going to play, you'll have to start" as if to say his battle of wills mindgames have to be a bit more complex than that so Tyrion accepts his mental jousting offer and starts talking about Jaime being the youngest kingsguard in history, his sister became queen at 19 but when he became a man his father put him in charge of all the drains and cisterns in Casterly Rock lmaoooo and Varys is like "a most highborn plumber" and as if wanting to give Tyrion a little boost in their game and just hurry him along to the next stage cuts him off from his sad life story he's trying to make himself seem more depressed than he actually is Varys just gets to his point for him and says "you're quite good at being the Hand, Jon Arryn and Ned Stark were good men, honerable men, but they destained the game and those who play it, you enjoy the game" and Tyrion admits "I do... last thing I expected, I'd like to keep playing it" and he brings up Stannis impending invasion and Varys says "they say he burns his enemies alive to honor the Lord of Light" and Tyrion asks "why are all the gods such vicious cunts? where's the god of tits and wine" lmaoo and Varys jokes about fertility goddess with 16 teets and Tyrion recommends sailing there immediately lis and then gets awkward as he remembers Varys wouldn't be interested and might read that as a jib but Varys just smiles pleasantly as he's too good at reading people and then tells him as if setting him another riddle "the other day I heard a song, all the way from Qarth beyond the Red Waste, Daenarys Targeryan lives!" and tells him that in a few years her dragons will be fully grown and then there will be nowhere to hide and Tyrion signs "one game at a time my friend" yeah don't skip all the way to season 7 mate



then speaking of a shit storyline no one wants to hear about we see Dany peering through some planks of wood and Jorah warns her "Xaro owns this city and the warlocks have a thousand eyes watching you" and offers to just leave on a ship already but Dany has a fit about leaving the dragons and Jorah tries to reason with her that they're not LITERALLY her children but she tells him to leave on his own and Jorah gets his fucking white knight on saying "you know I'd die for you!" so she orders him to take her to the House of the Undying to rescue the dragons but Jorah says that's what the AIDS dude wants and his magic is too powerful and Dany proposes what about her magic, yeah her amazing powers of not being flammable, brilliant, and Jorah says some sad shit about how he'll remember her stepping into the fire until the day he dies, and she finally realizes she can get this sad sack orbiter to do whatever she wants and puts her hand on his face and says they ARE her children and are the only ones she'll ever have (accidentally confirming to him he'll never be her husband I guess or she thinks she's barren now or something from her wacky magical abortion) and orders him to take her to see them and he nods like the soyboy cuck he is



then back at Winterfell we edgily pan past the burnt zoomer corpse I'm sure some idiot out there thought was the Stark boys to see Theon staring at it edgily and he tells his first mate they should bury them but he says it sends a good message and Theon hands him some gold to compensate the farmer (and try to calm his guilt) but the first mate says his troubles are over now and the teacher guy spots... the wildling lady sneaking back into the castle to steal a loaf of bread, so maybe they didn't even go to that farm for help if they are coming back to steal food, and the teacher guy walks over to the burnt dead body and I guess clicks that it's not his boys, then we see the in what I guess is meant to be le ebin big twist even though it's blatantly obviously what happened at the moment of the reveal of the bodies the wildling lady lighting a castle as her voice over explains to the teacher guy they doubled back from the farm, using a river to throw off the hounds and figured the family crypt would be the last place they'd look for them and he tells her those two boys strung up must be the farmers boys, yeah dddddddddduuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh, and she realizes Theon tried to pass them off as the Stark boys, ok, since it was so obviously not them I missed the possible importance of Theon lying it's them since I thought it was fucking obvious and public knowledge it was the farmers orphan boys since he never says like behold the Stark boys or anything, maybe there's some shit going on where like Theon.... lied it was the Stark boys to let the Stark boys get away? but all his men must know too unless he personally killed and burned those kids, anyway then the wildling girl and the teacher agree not to tell the boys about it and we pan the camera to see... BRAN AND HIS BROTHER ARE ALIVE AND WELL WITH HODOR wow what an amazing reveal that I'd been assuming was the case all episode nice one, but this makes me realize that I misread even another element of this because this dumb show honestly thought we were going to think those lads were the Starks where Theon looks all insecure maybe that was just that he's scared of being caught lying, presumably not to his men but to the people he's trying to control by fear that he'd even do this to another Kings kids so there's no limits on what he'll do to a commoner or something, idk shit storyline for the sake of a dumb twist





Game of Thrones 2x09: "Blackwater"
no, not the PMC that's been renamed several times after too many war crimes special edition
First aired: May 27, 2012

on Stannises's' ship we see Davos looking out at their fleet as the man himself actually does have a small smile on his face for once as they get closer and closer and we see inside one of the ships we get a sort of ye olde Saving Private Landing D-Day landing inside the troop transport scene as all these men are looking scared af with one slumped against the wall, one shaking, one staring off into thin air and one gets up and throws up in a big barrel they have in the centre that looks like it's being used just for that purpose and Davos talks to his son about how he spent all his life dodging the royal fleet but now they're going to be the royal fleet and his son tries to convert him to islam again and Davos leaves out that now he knows for a fact his religion is real lmao and talks about how taking Kingslanding wont be so easy even with their superior numbers but his son says he has faith in god... and him... aww... yep hes dead af

then we see Tyrion in bed with his cag, who's relationship I hope is meant to seem weird and forced on purpose and is just Tyrions extreme mommy issues of the never met her variety showing since he fell madly in love with her within like one night of meeting her, but he cant sleep and is just staring at the ceiling with the same creepy sound of the wind slowly whistling in the background that we got on Stannis ship as if the dread of war effects people on both sides, and he talks to her about how Stannis is going to burn every Lannister he can find and the cag says she wont let them hurt him which is a actually a cute thing that the woman feels protective over her man and it works and doesn't feel forced since yeah dude's like 3 feet tall and this woman probably could protect him better than he could himself but Tyrion warns her he doesn't have a choice in all this because of his family but its not her problem but she says "it is now" ok another romance that's too good to be true in this setting I'm sure she's Cersei's spy or some shit from the get-go and she gets ontop of him and he says "you cant fuck your way out of every problem" and she says "I have so far" yeah I'm guessing she got into some sort of trouble in like CIA's brothel and the only way to pay off her debt was to do this mission for Cersei and seduce her brother, and she says she's going to do the meme from the tent again and make love to him like it's the last day on this earth

and then we see Cersei looking out a window with the same creepy wind blowing sound effect going on as Pycelle tries to offer her his council but Cersei can't be bothered with his reminiscing about all the Kings he's served and just tells him to give her what he's brought, and he hands over a vile of nightshade, 1 drop will calm someone down, 3 will put someone into a deep sleep... and 10 drops... and he goes to ask what it's for but she refuses and sends him away, I'm guessing this is her ye olde cyanide capsule so she cant get captured by Stannis or any of her enemies in the city who'd defect to him but I guess the kino twist will come in where it turns out that it's actually for her sons to mercy kill them and she doesn't care what happens to her or something or maybe she's just going to poison Tyrion so she gets to kill him herself lmao

then under the city we see Bronn and the rest of the city guard getting drunk with cags over and singing songs to have one last night of good life before the battle and outside the room there's a little wicker doll of a lynched man that I guess represents what they'll do to their enemies/traitors/cowards but it reminds me of those burnt orphan boys and Bronn's cag tries to flirt with him by asking how many times hes broken his nose and he lists his mother smacking him with an iron poker when he was 5 when trying to hit his LITTLE brother, then when he was 9 he fought some older boys and the third time... but he sees this naked cags lovely body and trails off and says "don't feel too sorry for my nose, he'll be half way up your arse before the nights through" lmao and all his men laugh



but then the mood is instantly killed by The Hound and a Lannister soldier walking in and Bronn tries to play nice by offering to buy them a round but they ignore him and both pour their drink down their mouth as if getting ready for a fight and Bronn just smiles to The Hound like he wont wan know trouble but knows he'll start something and The Hound asks "you think you're a hard man" and Bronn chuckles and says "I know it" and his men chortle as he pats the sexy cag on his lap he's referring to as making him a "hard man" and The Hound, who based on how power levels work in this show must be an handholdless kissless wizard incel just stares completely unamused around the room at all these fucking Chads trying to hold in going REEEEEEE and Bronn points out how nice and warm it is in here, with lovely women and lots of ale, and all The Hound wants is to put them in the cold ground where there's no women for company as all his men nod that The Hound is being unreasonable coming down there throwing shade and The Hound growls OH, THERE'S WOMEN IN THE GROUND, I PUT SOME THERE MYSELF lmao he is an incel and Bronn looks around like wtf is this dudes problem but The Hound goes on AND SO HAVE YOU, YOU LIKE FUCKING AND DRINKING AND SINGING... BUT KILLING... KILLINGS THE THING YOU LOVE, YOU'RE JUST LIKE ME and Bronn tries to keep looking incredulous like this dude's the psycho not him but The Hound stands up and says ONLY SMALLER and walks straight up to Bronn who just jokes "but I'm quicker, eh!" but this time his men don't respond since they know The Hound could merc all of them and he just says "your Lord Imp's going to miss you" and stands there staring blankly at him like an absolute autist and Bronn realizes it's go time and stands up, says "aye, I expect he will some day" and puts his hand subtly on his dagger on his lower back waiting for this guy to make one inch towards him and The Hound sways in place as if he knows exactly what Bronn's doing and is ready for it



but then THE BELL ANNOUNCING THE INVASION RINGS and all the men brick it and start downing their drink as fast as they can and rushing out and Bronn just smiles at The Hound and asks "one more drink before the war? shall we?" and The Hound doesn't respond in any way and just walks off, I liked that little juxtaposition of how these two different men handle a life of being extremely proficient at violence, which you'd think would be empowering of this world of might makes right but they're still one guy at the end of the day and it just means more powerful people want their skills one way or another, and while Bronn is a typical jack the lad who just brushes off everything as a joke and pretends he's completely neutral and just doing a job The Hound is closer to honest about how miserable this lifestyle is by having the at least a more directly relating to violence coping mechanism of just loving the bloodshed as that's the only point of enjoying in his pathetic life of being abused by everyone who should appreciate him rather than having Bronn's layers off "its just a laugh lol"/"its just a job lol"/"im a real man lol" kind of reminds me of kind of reminds me of the similar themes in Apocalypse Now of how you first meet Lietenant Kilgore who treats war like one big fun game before you meet Colonel Kurtz who completely accepts the horrifying nature of warfare and is more proficient at it accordingly

then we cut to Varys hearing the bells saying how he always hated them as they ring for horrible things like "a dead king or a city siege" and Tyrion, getting his armor strapped onto him, adds "a wedding" and Varys sighs and says "exactly!" lol I guess even he can only take so much social nicety bullshit and Varys says his squire "Brodrick, is that it?" and Tyrion's about to fucking die being a dwarf in a war so calls Varys out and says ""is that it?", nice touch, as if you don't know the name of every boy in town" throwing some shade of the ye olde pizzagate allegations against Varys who pretends to be all offended and says "I'm not exactly sure what you're suggesting" and Tyrion cuts through his passive aggressive bullshit by saying "I'm entirely sure you're entirely sure what I'm suggesting" as if taking the piss out of how Varys conducts himself in such an underhanded sneaky manner and as if Tyrion's method of manipulation, of using the truth to gain leverage over others, can cut straight through Varys more dishonest stealthy method of manipulation, where he uses the power of suggestion to subtly implant ideas in others they might not even realize are from him, and Varys perks up as if he can see Tyrion has indeed started playing his game and fires up the ol implications and asks "do you trust him?" and Tyrion looks at his squire and says "oddly enough I do" and Varys says "good" probably to put a little seed of doubt in Tyrion's head as if that's what Varys wants him to think and to remind him he can get intel from anyone in the city never mind his squire who's there in all his arguments with his sister about private matters but also to move the conversation on where he puts down an old secret map Tyrion asks for showing the 50 miles of tunnels underneath the city built by the Targaryan's to "facilitate escape" as Varys puts it with a furtive look but Tyrion insists "I'm not escaping" and says he's going down with the ship and Varys gives a cheeky "that's good to hear" as if it'd benefit him for Tyrion to not be around anymore but then he sassily says "though I'm sure many captains say the same while their ship is afloat" and Tyrion doesn't bother to hide how scared he is and Varys doesn't want him to completely pussy out and to actually flee I guess because he starts bigging him up saying he looks fit for battle and for all their sakes is, and he brings up the Red Lady but Tyrion doesn't believe in "the old powers" and since as Varys says "I think you believe in what you see" or as the internet would say is a tip tip euphoric le logical atheist even though he believes magic dragons exist and Varys adds "and what those you trust have seen, and you don't entirely trust me?" and Tyrion just goes "eh, don't take it personally, I don't entirely trust myself" and Varys starts playing shook to try and get Tyrion to take the Red Lady seriously by saying "and yet I have seen things, and heard things, things you have not, things I wish I had not... I don't believe I've ever told you how I was cut" and the squire gets awkward and Tyrion looks at Varys like he genuinely feels sorry for him but knows he's well beyond looking for compassion so says "no I don't believe you have" as if it's just another bit of trivia and Varys says "perhaps one day I shall" implying that maybe he was castrated for some sort of black magic ritual, nice metaphor for americans being circumcised



and Varys talks about how Stannis becoming king while in service to such dark powers is the worst thing he can think of and he seems to mean it which would be a bit hypocritical since he's probably arranging for Dany and her dragons to invade Westeros, but maybe this angle is he's arranging for Westeros to be powerful enough to survive not only the coming winter but the White Walkers, and maybe they originate from dark magic that would corrupt everyone if they tried to use that to beat them so it'd be pointless or something like that, and Varys tells Tyrion that tonight he's the only man who can stop him as his squire hands him and axe and Tyrion looks down at it like uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck, as always idk what Varys angle is here maybe he's just trying to get Tyrion to get himself killed or maybe he really does want him to stop Stannis, but something tells me it'd be Tyrion's planning abilities that stop him, not him personally fighting with an axe which someone should really tell him not to bother with lis and just keep himself alive, but I guess he's feeling all manly and heroic thanks to his cag, maybe the reason why someone else probably set them up

then outside we see the bell ringer looking out at Stannis fleet appearing out of the pitch black mist and on the lead ship Devos' son says "they're welcoming their new king!" but Davos knows it ain't that easy and gives the order for them to play some music back with their war drums and ALL THE BOATS START UP THEIR LIT RAP BATTLE BEATS and Stannis looks out with a tiny tortured smile as if this is the closest thing he gets to a joyful day seeing his war plans come together

and we cut to Tyrion trying to talk to Bronn about his plan but he wont listen and asks him if he's ever used his axe and he says "I chopped wood once... no I watched my brother chop wood once" lmao but Bronn cheers him up by saying "I saw you kill a man with a shield once, you'll be unstoppable with an axe" and Tyrion grabs his hand as if he's scared to leave his side but says "don't get killed my friend" and Bronn lets him hold on a bit since he's softer than he'd admit but then chides him for calling him a friend and they have some banter back and fourth to alleviate Tyrion's anxiety and then he sees Sansa and Shae and pretends not to know Shae and asks why they're not with the other posh totty and she says trying to hide her disgust that Joffrey called for her to see him off and speak of the devil Joffrey, who's quite the manlet for a 17 year old, comes strutting out with The Hound beside him and his other six personal kingsguard and hollers for Sansa who tells Tyrion "I'll pray for your safe return m'lord, just as I do the kings" implying she hopes he fucking dies too and Tyrion looks like "ugh, typical" that the woman he's been trying to protect has bought into the fake news that he's as bad as the rest of them but then gets a wee smile as he figures it's probably for the best she doesn't trust anyone in this fucked up city and under their breath him and Shae wish each other farewell and Joffrey, extremely edgily, draws his new sword "hearteater" as he's named it and tells Sansa she should kiss it good luck and she looks like what the fuck is this cringy shit and Joffrey insists "kiss it" so she bends down and cuts the sword, half looking like she's expecting him to slit her throat as she does, in a very sexual act that's almost like Joffrey's fucked up version of receiving oral sex, and Joffrey cranks up the edgy by saying "you'll kiss it again when I return, AND KISS MY UNCLES BLOOD!"



and Sansa hides her disgust by asking if he'll kill him himself, and Joffrey says "if he's foolish enough to come near me" and then Sansa perks up when she realizes "so you'll be outside fighting with the vanguard?" hoping he's in as much danger as possible but then Joffrey gets flustered and spurts out "a king doesn't discuss battle plans with stupid girls!" lmao literally The Incel King and Sansa, loving that he's clearly insecure about his battle worthiness and thus easy to egg on comes to life for the first time in months and gushes "oh I'm sorry my grace, you're right, I am stupid, of course you'll be in the vanguard!" and Joffrey looks at her in half disgust as always but also half surprise like he's falling for it that she's have faith in his bravery but when Sansa says "my brother always goes where the battle is the thickest, and he's only a pretender" he gets shook that he'll look like a right twat if he bottles it now and tries to big himself up by declaring "your brothers turn will come... and you can lick his blood off hearteater too!" probably too dumb to catch on shes manipulating him but is still angry at her for making him feel insecure and he marches out with his crew and Shae says "some of those boys will never come back" but Sansa says "Joffrey will, the worse ones always live" knowing she ain't that lucky and Shae shushes her for talking shit about the king even in an empty throne room and takes her off to relative safety

and then outside we see loads of soldiers mounting defences on the castle walls and civilians fleeing in terror as Joffrey and his crew, now joined by Lancel, step out into the streets and Joffrey is immediately shook by all the carts racing past and civvies huddling their children as he realizes this is the big boy shit now and they climb up the stairs to join Tyrion and his poor squire but Lancel realizes... "where's our fleet?" and Tyrion assures "they're on their way" and Joffrey hops on the spot impatiently and whines "why aren't they here now? they're coming!" and Tyrion doesn't even reply as his mind is going a mile a minute doing all the battle calculations and Joffrey gurns "Hound, tell the Hand his King has asked him a question", actually calling him by his more dignified nickname rather than the usual dog betraying that he's probably only got the balls to go out there with his best bodyguard protecting him, and The Hound half heartidly says "the king has asked you a question" as if he can barely keep pretending to respect Joffrey since they'll all probably be dead soon and Tyrion as if replying to a reddit pun-chain says "Ser Lancel, tell the Hound to tell the King that the Hand is extremely busy" and Lancel actually awkwardly says "uh The Hand of the King would like me to tell you to tell the king-" like the beta he is since he's gotten so used to doing whatever Tyrion tells him to do but Joffrey cuts him off hissing "if I tell the Hound to cut you in half he'd do it without a seconds thought!" and Tyrion gives the amazing reddit pun "that would make me the quartnerman, just doesn't have the same ring to it" and rubs it in that Joffrey needs him to stand a chance of keeping his head which he doesn't even say shit back to since he knows it's true



and on Stannis lead ship Davos asks his son where their ships are, and his son thinks they were wise to attack at night and took them by surprise, but Davos ain't buying it as "Lord Varys knows what you had for breakfast three days ago, there are no surprises here" uh oh spaghettios and they look out at the fires starting up through the mist on the castles walls

and then in the posh totty vault Cersei arrives with her youngest son and Sansa tells Shae she doesn't understand why Cersei let her be there since she hates her and Shae hits the nail on the head and says she's just jealous and then Cersei calls Sansa over getting her creeper vibes on saying "ah little dove, you look pale child... is your red flower still blooming?" knowing how much Sansa hates being of age and then says "funny isn't it, men will bleed out there and you will bleed in here" as if she's rubbing in that Sansa has to suffer through the requirements of womanhood like her now and Cersei pressures her to drink wine and when Sansa asks what Ser Ilyn, the executioner who I guess is loyal to the Lannister family, is doing there and Cersei says the guards they have paid will be the first ones out the door when the enemy comes and a guard arrives to tell her that they caught some staff trying to escape with some gold cups and Cersei orders Ser Ilyn to put their heads on pikes outside the stables as a warning, edgy, nice, and she tells Sansa keeping your people more afraid of you than the enemy is the only way to maintain control and says with a shiteating grin "if you ever hope to become queen" as if the descent into barbarism is another part of her horrible life she gets to inflict on Sansa

then on the castle walls our heroes, well, hero and anti-hero and shitheads, start to hear the ships war drums and everyone tenses up and Tyrion orders his archers to their marks, to knock their arrows and hold fast and Joffrey has a fit about how they need to attack them NOW but Tyrion ignores him and orders "boulders ready!" as men put huge rocks onto their catapults and Joffrey looks out to sea and sees their navy sailing out to attack... and he bricks it when he notices "there's only one ship? where are the rest of them? WHERE ARE THE REST OF THEM?!" and Tyrion stares out stone faced and on Stannis lead ship Davos son is like "there's only one ship?" and Davos bricks it knowing something is up, and I can see where this is fucking going oh my oh my here comes the CGI budget bois and he orders his archers to man the bow... knock... draw... and hoooold... and his men also arm these huge war crossbows as the ONE Lannister ship approaches and it gets close enough for Davos to see "there's no one on board"... it's just drifting over there with rope tied to it's wheel to keep it sailing straight like the gag from action movies they do with cars and Tyrion sees the creepy old alchemist guy creeping up behind him and he offers Tyrion a flaming torch and Davos son watches as the one empty enemy ship all his men are keeping aim at drifts past them but Davos notices... there's some sort of green liquid leaking from the ship and filling the water behind it.... and he realzies "wildfire!" and orders his men to steer clear and Tyrion throws his torch what looks like miles away I guess signalling the other archers or something or its some flaming thing falling off a wall a mile away idk what that was about and kind of killed the pacing of the scene lmao nice one but then Bronn lights his arrow from the torch on the ground maybe what Tyrion dropped idk confusing thing and he looks at Tyrion to make sure he's sure and then pulls back... takes aim...



and releases the flaming arrow which flies straight over the ship Davos is on into the green liquid.... igniting a huge green fire that spreads its way to Tyrion's ship... and Davos yells to his son MATTHOS! GET DOWN!!





OH SHIT!!!!! THE SHIP EXPLODES IN A MASSIVE GREEN EXPLOSION BLASTING HIS SON AWAY



AND BLOWING DAVOS OFF THE SHIP AND ENGULFING A DOZEN OF HIS SHIPS IN A COLOSSAL GREEN FIREBALL



SO BRIGHT TYRION AND JOFFREY HAVE TO LOOK AWAY AND THE ALCHEMIST RUBS HIS HANDS LIKE A JEW AS HIS WORK COMES TO FRUITION



AND THE HOUND STARES THE DEATHS OF THOUSANDS OF MEN HEAD ON RECOILING AT THE BLINDINGLY BEAUTIFUL HORROR



AND BRONN LOOKS OUT IN AMAZEMENT AS THE FIRE RIPS THROUGH THE OTHER BOATS SETTING MEN ON FIRE FORCING THEM TO JUMP OVERBOARD



BUT THE VERY SEA ITSELF IS BURNING AND A HUGE MUSHROOM CLOUD FORMS OVER THE RUINED FLEET



WITH FLAMING SHRAPNEL THAT GOT BLOWN INTO THE AIR RAINING DOWN ON THE SHIPS FURTHER OUT SETTING THEM ON GREEN FIRE TOO



WITH THE CREW SCREAMING IN TERROR AS IT STARTS EATING THEIR SHIPS APART CAUSING THE LUCKY ONES TO DIVE INTO THE WATER



WHILE THEIR FRIENDS GET HIT WITH FLAMING WRECKAGE AND BURN ALIVE SCREECHING LIKE NEDM'D CATS



AND TYRION LOOKS AT THE ALCHEMIST WHO JUST CHUCKLES WITH A BIG GRIN ON HIS FACE LMAOOOO



AND JOFFREYS GOT A HUGE SMILE OF RELIEF AND WONDER ON HIS FACE AS THEY ALL LOOK OUT



TO SEE THE FLEET SINKING AS THE SCREAMS OF MEN BEING ROASTED ALIVE FLOAT OVER THE OCEAN



and Stannis who I guess was on another ship looks out at the ships collapsing into the sea and grits his teeth to bear the screams of his men screaming for help but then orders his men to make land, and his lieutenant guy tries to dissuade him but Stannis says "the dwarf has played his little trick, he can only do it once" IDK he probably has some more on stand-by and the lieutenant begs "hundreds will die" but Stannis corrects "thousands" like that's just war innit mate and throws his cloak off as he climbs down amongst his men ready to fight himself and yells to them "COME WITH ME AND TAKE THIS CITY!" before clambering down onto a rowboat as his men cheer in support, ok that was very visually stunning and had some good character beats like Stannis maintaining his stiff upper lip and carrying on, Tyrion's looks of fear and sadness as he's had to kill all those people, Joffrey getting a taste for war but only if he's winning and The Hound being the only one other than the senile old coot not to close his eyes as he's been comprehending the horrific nature of war without looking away all his life but this kinda reminds me of The Last Jedi where Admiral SJW does the lightspeed ramming meme, like if this extremely powerful manoeuvre exists in this setting why doesn't everyone do it constantly lmao, I guess the excuse could be it requires rare ingredients but it seemed to be more these dumbasses who obviously live in a world of magic don't think it exists



then in the posh totty vault there is a jester trying to keep the worrying children happy with juggling much to Cersei's resting cunt facedness and she looks over and sees Sansa preying with some other young girls and can't be having any of that finding inner peace malarky in her presence so calls her over and drunkenly asks what she's doing, and when she says "preying" Cersei gets triggered like an r/atheism poster and says "you're just perfect aren't you, preying? what are you preying for?" and Sansa sya "for the gods to have mercy" and Cersei cheekily says "even me?" and Sansa says "of course your grace" and Cersei jabs "even Joffrey" knowing Sansa cant even say that with a straight face and when she tries to come up with something she cuts her off snapping "oh shut up you little fool" completely fucking sizzled to the point of having one eye drooping closed lmao and she mocks her ""ooh preying to the gods to have mercy for us all" - the gods have no mercy, that's why they're gods" edgy I like it, I guess that's her version of theology where that's how even deities have to attain and maintain power, and she says "my father told me that when he caught me praying" after her mother died.... when she was 4... more great parenting from Tywin, and Sansa is surprised to hear Tywin is a euphoric atheist but Cersei says "oh he believes in them, he just doesn't like them very much" very edgy and then as if finding one more thing she hates about herself to force onto Cersei she insists she start drinking wine with her, making sure she does it fast enough to get as fucked up as her, and tells her "I should have been born a man" inb4 legions of tumblr retards saying this means she's actually a transman, her reasoning being "I would rather face a thousand swords than be shut up inside with this flock of frightened hens" as if they're all scared of what she's already been suffering most of her life (having to fuck men they'd rather not) and Sansa talks back saying she invited them there and Cersei whines "it was eeexpeeeected of me, as it will be of you if you ever become Joffrey's queen" and mocks how IF they win these women will be praising her publically, and Sansa asks "if the city should fall?" oh I feel some edge coming and Cersei growls "you'd like that wouldn't you?" and reveals her gameplan to personally yield to Stannis at the city gates since "I might have hoped for a private audience but this is Staaaannis Baratheooooon, I'd have better luck seducing his horse" aha! another man who maintains a high power level by thot patrolling, but he betrayed his volcel ways by fucking the Red Lady and now he has a smoke monster for a bastard, really makes ya think, and Sansa just stares awkwardly at her as she memes about fucking a horse and she says with a grin "have I shocked you, little dove?" honestly I was expecting an edgy story about how another city got seiged and all the women were gangraped for weeks or some Rape of Nankin shit and she adds "tears aren't *gives fake sniffle* a woman's only weapon... the best ones between your legs... learn how to use it... drink!" which Sansa awkwardly does and then oooh here we fucking go Cersei asks "do you have any notion what happens when a city is sacked?" and a nervous Sansa doesn't reply so Cersei obnoxiously goes on "noooo you wouldn't would you? IF the city falls, these fine women.... SHOULD BE IN FOR A BIT OF A RAPE!" and she says this loudly enough for the whole room to hear, lmao I love Cersei and I wish I was Jaime so bad (who am I kidding I'd be Lancel (who still gets to fuck her so fine by me))



and Shae looks at her trying to hide her scolding like how dare she scare everyone about something only the two of them really know about but she goes on "half of them will have bastards in their bellies come the morning" and when she turns on Sansa, I guess commenting on how she cant get pregnant right now, "you'll be glad of your red flower then, when a man's blood is up anything with tits looks good, a precious thing like you will look very very good, a slice of cake just waiting to be eaten!" probably knowing full well Sansa suffered an attempted rape a few days ago, no fucking wonder Joffrey is such an incel rofl, ooh I love what a cunt Cersei is, if I was in an isekai (most pathetic genre of anime (which is really saying something) where a usually NEET gamer is transported to a usually medieval fantasy world where surprise surprise wouldn't you know it their knowledge of nerd genre fiction or video game mechanics actually makes them insanely powerful and popular with all the beautiful young women in the setting which is a genre that really needs a grim and gritty deconstruction where the main character has no usefull skills at all, is in fact weaker than the average person from being fat and nearsighted, is treated like a crazy person for talking about being from another world and then is enslaved as a serf who spends all day shovelling shit until a knight kills him at random just to test if his sword is sharp enough like they used to do to peasants in feudal japan, so basically Sam's life) protagonist in the GoT world my angle would be to just bring my modern day knowledge of misogynist memes and I tell her all about how roasties cuck manlets with Chads BBC or whatever the fuck and she'd love it and marry me and then I'd take over Westeros by just bringing a gun with me like none of these anime faggots do

then we see what remains of Stannis army rowing their boats to the shore and Tyrion notes "he's a serious man, Stannis Baratheon" and Joffrey starts bricking it and cries "they're coming ashore!" as if it's not fair and he's so entitled he can't believe he can't effortlessly have everything handed to him and Tyrion orders "rain fire on them" literally ye olde "make it rain mothafucka" meme and Joffrey whines "there's too many of them!" and Tyrion orders The Hound to send a party down for any that manage to touch ground as Joffrey sits there shaking that his bodyguards leaving him and Tyrion also orders his squire Pod to go bring the men guarding the Kings Gate there and everyone just automatically does what he says as they know he's the real one calling the shots and The Hound gathers up the men telling them "they're serving us up fresh meat!" and shoves Lancel in the chest and growls "you too!" who looks like he's about to throw up and he grabs the lead archer and tells him "any of these flaming fucking arrows comes near me and I'll strangle you with your own guts" and the archer just gawps at him like jesus christ this guys edgy and then we see the archers knocking... drawing.... and just as Stannis is the first man to touch down to the cry of "kill the Lannisters!" on the beach they LOOSE and rain flaming arrows down upon his men who drop as soon as they leave their boats like some more Saving Private Ryan opening shit



but more and more just keep pouring onto the beach and sharpshooter archers start taking more of them out firing directly at them and some of the men manage to get near the wall so the men ontop drop rocks down on them bursting a guys fucking head standing right next to Stannis like a big watermelon



and one of his men puts a shield over him to protect him and his men return fire on the Kingslanding snipers filling them full of arrows and he orders his men to the Mud Gates and out from the huge wooden doors bursts THE HOUND HOLLERING "ANY MAN DIES WITH A CLEAN SWORD, ILL RAPE HIS FUCKING CORPSE!!!" OW! THE EDGE!!



AND LANCEL STARTS GOING HAM DUELLING WITH AN ENEMY FUCKING NICEONE MATE AND THERE'S EXTREME EARRAPE SCREAMING AS THE MEN HACK INTO EACH OTHER WITH AXES AND



THE HOUND LITERALLY CLEAVES THIS MOTHERFUCKER IN HALF WITH HIS CLAYMORE SO HIS ENTIRE TOP HALF FALLS OFF EXPOSING HIS INTESTINES AAAAAA



AND LANCEL GETS KNOCKED DOWN BUT AT THE HOUND KICKS THE DUDE AWAY AND LANCEL LOOKS UP IN AMAZEMENT HES STILL ALIVE BUT THEN TAKES AN ARROW TO THE CHEST OUT OF NOWHERE



wew laddy I like that they show this as fucking horrific, I hate the cultural meme that war used to be honerable before the firearm or mechanized warfare or fucking morons who even think WW1 or WW2 were honerable and think people only started getting PTSD/shellshock in the 20th century because of modern technology or modern people being soft or something, the only reason people think that is because almost all the writings on them were horseshit written by posh twats who weren't there on the command of kings who weren't there to get serfs who hadn't been there yet throwing themselves into the meat grinder for how glorious and heroic it all was, so these modern day mega brainlets are falling for like thousands of year old propaganda designed to work on illiterate pigshit shovelers (and of course this sort of shit still works in the modern day where people think gunfights and warfare are cool because of video games and movies that literally get sponsored by the pentagon), agonizingly fucking obviously men having to HACK EACH OTHER TO DEATH WITH FARMING IMPLEMENTS was hell on fucking earth as war always has been, is and always will be until normies realize that we should maybe not listen to shithead politicians or at least just fight wars in Fortnite or something, there I just solved world peace, no need to thank me



then in the thot vault some of the women and girls are trying to sleep and Cersei is telling Sansa about how when they were kids her and Jaime looked so alike, being twins but I guess not identical twins unless Cersei is hiding a cock under there, and she didn't understand why they were raise different, with Jaime being taught to fight and she was just taught to smile and sing and please people and while he gets a castle she gets sold like a horse to be ridden by it's owner, and Sansa, maybe winding her up or still not getting the full picture, says "but you were King Roberts queen" and she just condescendingly says "and you will be King Joffrey's, enjoy" I really like the writing in this show but I think my main complaint is, like most characters in fiction, since they are you know not real and made up by writers using them to get points across, they are a bit too self-aware, in reality in this kind of family someone like Cersei would swear up and down the block until her dying breath that there is nothing wrong with Joffrey and is exactly what the throne needs, since as always fiction might have some nasty people like Cersei but at least she reflects fairly objectively on the character of her family, in real life peoples kids can literally rape a toddler and they'll keep defending them lmao, and when Sansa looks over at Shae, uh oh, Cersei smells fresh blood, I mean, other than Sansas and goes over to harass her and Shae gives a half-hearted curtsy and Cersei immediately blurts out "that's the worst curtsy I've ever seen, here I mastered it when I was 4" whining about her life again as she shows how to do it properly, and then after only one sentence from her clocks from her accent that she's not highborn and starts grilling her on her past and Shae tries to stop herself from bricking it and tries to lie about how she came to be a handmaiden but Cersei knows it's horseshit from her lack of curtsying skills and tells her to tell them a story and stares at her daring her to try to lie to her and when Shae starts up she's saved by the bell(end) as the injured Lancel barges in to update her on the battle and that the troops are outside the city walls but all she cares about is getting Joffrey to safety and when Lancel tries to talk back that it's good for morale out there she just shouts NOW in his face and the little bitch boy toddles off to do it and then she admits to Sansa that she lied about why Ser Ilyn is there, that he's there to kill them if the city falls, and Sansa looks over at this creepy bald guy staring at her like he knows it needs to be done



then outside THE HOUND IS FIGHTING MORE GUYS SHOVING THEM ASIDE LIKE IT'S NOTHING AND HE CLEAVES DIAGONALLY STRAIGHT THROUGH ONE FUCKERS TORSO LIKE SOME FUCKING ANIME SHIT



AND HE LOOKS AROUND AS MEN HAVE LOST MOST OF THEIR SWORDS AND RESORTED TO BLUDGEONING AND PUNCHING EACH OTHER TO DEATH AND A DUDE ON FIRE RUNS PAST SCREAMING IN AGONY ENTRANCING THE HOUND



BUT THE FLAMING DUDES LIKE FUCK IT DUDE #YOLO AND TAKES A SWINGS STRAIGHT AT THE HOUNDS HEAD BUT... BRONN FIRES AN ARROW INTO HIS FACE OUT OF NOWHERE SAVING THE HOUND!



AND HE SMILES DOWN AT HIM BUT THE HOUND LOOKS TO HIS SIDE AND BRONN JUST MANAGES TO GET HIS DAGGER OUT AS A DUDE CHARGES INTO HIM SO HE CAN SLASH AT HIM AND GET ANOTHER ON HIS KNEES TO SLIT HIS THROAT DAMN SON



and The Hound just stands there like he's almost hypnotized by the battle watching the surreal images around him as men scramble over each other trying to bash each others brains in and other men flail at each other through the flaming beach and he just starts casually walking back to the gate as the other men scream to fallback and rush in beside him but then Stannis yells for his men to get the ladders up and he's actually the first to climb up and STANNIS LEAPS ONTOP OF A DUDE, TEARS HIS SHIELD AWAY AND RAMS HIS SWORD THROUGH HIM AND WHEN OTHER SOLDIERS CHARGE HIM HE STARTS DUELLING CUNTS ON EITHER SIDE OF HIM AND SLICES THROUGH THEM COMPLETELY COMPOSED HOLY CHRIST



and we see Joffrey running for his fucking life off the castle wall and the lead archer screaming for his scum to keep firing and The Hound is just staggering around and then suddenly calls for a squire to bring him a drink and spits it out when he finds it's water and demands his bottle of wine lmao and downs the entire thing and casually walks off and Tyrion hisses "can I get you some iced milk and a nice bowl of raspberries too?" at him for neglecting the battle and The Hound just grumbles "EAT SHIT DWARF" megalis and Tyrion tells him he's "on the wrong side of the wall" and The Hound says "I lost half my men, the blackwater is on fire" and Joffrey screams so hard he's literally spitting "DOG! I COMMAND YOU TO GO BACK OUT THERE AND FIGHT!" but The Hound just looks at the ground like the sheer pointlessness is catching up with him and Tyrion sees they're about to lose their best fighter to ye olde PTSD and tries to tell him "you're Kingsguard, Clegane, you must beat them back or they're going to take this city, your kings city" but The Hound looks up sadly at them and says "fuck the kingsguard, fuck the city, fuck the king" and simply walks off and Joffrey stares in absolute horror as someone refuses an order for him for the first time in his life and he realizes he's absolutely fucked without his bodyguard



and then we see Stannis' men delivering a huge battering ram on their rowboats that they all carry onto the beach and the soldiers on the wall try to take them out with their arrows but they turn over their own rowbots and use them for cover, clever! and escort themselves to the wall as more men climb up ladders and they start using the ram to beat down the door and inside we see Lancel staggering up to Joffrey saying the queen requested he return to the throneroom and a terrified Joffrey sees the look on Tyrion's face and whines "wh-what would you have me dooo?" and he insists "lead!" and Joffrey looks to Lancel as if begging him to help him on this and asks if his mother had urgent business for him, but Lancel is either too dull or not a fan of his possibly for what he puts his his lover/cousin through and says she didn't say, and Joffrey looks down sad like he's realizing he's a coward after all and with a stutter tells one of his other kingsguard to stay there and represent their king on the battlefield as he scurries off in shame in front of all his men and then we see the soldiers on the wall getting taken out by counter-archers and Tyrion looks down as the guards he requested for reinforcements arrive but there's not many as the other soldiers start asking who they're fighting for if Joffrey has left, if only modern day soldiers were that sceptical, and Pod looks up at Tyrion like they're fucked as he realizes "I'll lead the attack!" and all the men just sneer at him as he's only 3 feet tall but Tyrion asks Pod for his helmet, orders the kingsguard to bear the kings banner and then orders the soldiers to form on him, and they all just wander around aimlessly not listening to him but he yells "THEY SAY I'M HALF A MAN, BUT WHAT DOES THAT MAKE THE LOT OF YOU?!" and one man yells up there's no way out but Tyrion says he'll show them another way to come out behind them and FUCK THEM IN THE ARSES and the men look around wondering if he's legit and then he says "don't fight for your king, don't fight for the kingdoms, don't fight for honor, don't fight or glory, don't fight for riches because you wont get any, this is your city Stannis means to sack and that's your gate he's ramming, if he gets in it will be YOUR houses he burns, YOUR gold he steals and YOUR women he will rape!" and the men start agreeing as the ram starts making its dent in the door and Tyrion points to it and yells "those are brave men knocking at our door... LETS GO KILL THEM!" and all the men go YYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! and raise their swords for him and he walks down into the crowd looking like he can't believe this is actually working as they all fall in behind him, not sure if anyone was ever made a dramatic speech that worked in getting everyone from not caring about them to supporting them in 30 seconds but ok my dude



then back in the thot vault Lancel is telling Cersei that when the men saw Joffrey leaving they lost all heart but all Cersei cares about is where Joffrey is and Lancel says "I want to escort him back to battle" having taken a slight level up in badass from being exposed to battle for the first time but Cersei just says "why should I care what you want?" and he snaps at this woman who's had him around her little finger "now you listen to me" but CERSEI JUST PUNCHES HIM IN THE ARROW-WOUND CAUSING LANCEL TO FALL OVER INTO A VASE HOLLERING IN PAIN LMAO and she storms out with Tommen and all the women start getting scared as Lancel writhes around on the floor bleeding and Sansa tries to tell them this is the safest place in the city and Joffrey will save them all and calms them down by getting them to sing a hymm and then Shae like pounces on Sansa from behind just to be annoying and tells her she needs to go lock herself in her chambers because Stannis wont hurt her but the extremely frowny executioner will and she offers to bring her but Shae says she needs to say goodbye to someone and Sansa's like they said they'll rape everyone but Shae shows her her knife in her boot and says "NO ONE IS RAPING ME" based & selfdefencepilled and Sansa runs off and the executioner just lets her as if she'll regret not letting him put her out of his misery as the women's singing gets more and more strained sounding and creepy



then we see Sansa run into her bedroom and lock the door and she wears the distant screams of the dying soldiers outside and she sits down on her bed and holds a doll remembering her simple days in Winterfell but then THE HOUND announces himself from slumped in the corner and in-between glugs of wine tells her he's leaving the king to die and could take her with him to someplace that isn't burning and when she doesn't respond he offers to keep her safe and bring her home to Winterfell but Sansa, maybe just being scared of him or thinking she can be of use in peace negotiations between all these different parties if she stays there, and says "Stannis wont hurt me" but The Hound barges right up to her and insists she look at him and the growls "Stannis is a killer, The Lannisters are killers, your father was a killer, your brother is a killer, your sons will be killers someday, the world is built by KILLERS, so you'd better get used to looking at them" (I mean he's right, only reason any government stays in power to this day is if their own military supports them or not) and she stares at him unblinking and realizes/manipulates him into believing "you wont hurt me" and he says "no little bird, I wont hurt you" and goes to leave knowing she's coming with him, I really like this guy since he's not the usual gruff badass who's loyal to the end or can endure witnessing any suffering like most western stories praise homeboy's resolve was washed away during that battle and that's literally a good thing and should happen to more people so they wouldn't be anyone left to kill each other on behalf of useless rich cunts but for sooooome odd reason society is full of stories about how cool and manly it is to blindly follow orders and to have no problem killing [insert designated outside group that changes yearly here]



then we see some men hacking through the padlock on a gate as all the Stannis men keep hammering at the door and a commander screams for them to get up those ladders but TYRION HACKS HIS LEG CLEAN OFF WITH HIS AXE, SMASHES HIM IN THE HEAD WITH IT AND ORDERS HIS MEN TO ATTACK THE ENEMIES



WHO ARE DISTRACTED WITH THEIR SIEGE AND THEY ALL CHARGE IN AND RAM THE SOLDIERS IN THEIR BACKS HACKING THEM TO DEATH AND THEY FLIP OVER THE BOAT THEY WERE USING FOR COVER AND TOSS A TORCH IN SETTING IT ALIGHT AS THE OTHER SIDE PERISH



AND THEY ALL START CHEERING "HALFMAN! HALFMAN! HALFMAN!" AND TYRION TAKES HIS HELMET OFF AND LOOKS AROUND IN WONDER AS HE FINALLY HAS RESPECT



but then he looks over and says "OH FUCK ME" AS HUNDREDS MORE OF STANNIS' MEN COME CHARGING DOWN THE BEACH AT THEM



AND THERE'S A HUGE CACOPHONY OF CLANGING METAL AS THE TWO SIDES CLASH AND BACK ON THE WALL STANNIS IS RACKING UP HIS KILL COMBO AND HE DISARMS ONE GUY AND LOPS THE ENTIRE TOP HALF OF HIS SKULL OFF OH SHIIIIIIIIIIT!!!



AND HE LOOKS UP LIKE "YA WOT M8" AND DROPS DEAD



AND ON THE BEACH A DUDE SMASHES TYRIONS AXE OUT OF HIS HAND AND IS ABOUT TO KILL HIM WHEN ANOTHER GUY CHARGES INTO HIM AND TYRION SEES ONE OF THE LAST REMAINING KINGSGUARD WHO HE SMILES AT BUT THE DUDE SWINGS HIS SWORD AT HIM SLICING DOWN HIS CHEEK TRYING TO KILL HIM WTF FUCKING TEAMKILLING NOOB!!!!



AND OUT OF NOWHERE PODRICK RAMS HIS SPEAR THROUGH THE BACK OF HIS NECK AND OUT THE EYEHOLES IN HIS HELMET SAVING HIS MASTER BUT TYRION COLLAPSES AS THE SWORD CAUGHT HIM IN THE CHEST TOO



I assume that guys actions will be addressed later and Tyrion will find out he was working for Cersei or CIA or something but if not I suppose he resented Tyrion for sending them out there and he'd rather a pathetic coward who'd surrender easily like Joffrey was still in charge for his own men's safety or something like that

and then inside Cersei is sitting in the darkness on the Iron Throne with Tommen telling him "shhhh, be calm my sweet, no ones going to hurt you" as the boy stares scared at the door waiting for the enemies to barge in and as she knows this is probably her last night as a mother she holds him close and tells him his favorite story about the lioness and her cub, some clear pottery about it being the two of them, and she changes the story to be about the other evil creatures in the woods being stags and wolves, but her son doesn't get it, and she tears up at his innocence, and outside Rod is trying to rouse Tyrion, who he should really just pick up and run off with, who is having the "grenade just went off" sound-off-audio ears-ringing meme as he sees an army on fucking horseback now charging at him as Cersei's story on voice over keeps going about the scared little cub but the mother tells him he's a lion he mustn't be afraid



and we see Stannis looking down as the horsemen ride in hacking at the soldiers, and Cersei tells her son that one day all the beasts will bow to you (guessing there's gonna be some extreme edge here where she gives him the nightshade to mercy kill him so he doesn't get raped and lynched by the invaders, but then it turns out that her side actually won the battle and she killed her son for no reason like the ending of, spoilers, The Mist) and yyyyup here we go Cersei goes on "and the cub said "will I be fierce like my father" "yes" said his mother, "you will be strong and fierce just like your father"" as she unbottles the poison and grits herself as she's about to poison the only thing in the world she has left as she gets as close as she can to telling him the truth about who his real father was and we see Tyrion collapsing on the ground and shutting his eyes as he watches the carnage around him and Cersei offers her son the vile and promises him "I will keep you safe, my love, I promise you" and Tommen is so trusting of his mother he goes to drink it



but then THE DOORS BURST OPEN AND... LORAS TYRELL BARGES IN!



oh it was his men with the Stag antlers on their helmets before, and we see Stannis' men fleeing back to the boats as, oh, it was their guys getting hacked up by the guys riding in on horses, yeah just like Renly said this is confusing with both sides using Stags as their sigils lmao, also this just made me realize from thinking it was Lancel for a split second that this not only means that Loren might be fully gay afterall but if Cersei was fucking Lancel when I am p sure Rob was still alive and he was his squire at the time Cersei might have very well gotten him to put something in his drink to try and poison him or get him far more fucked up than he'd usually get so he'd have an accident or just made sure he plied him with alcohol when anyone else would have made excuses to not bring enough wine or something for his own sake anyway then Stannis screams at his retreating men STAND AND FIGHT DAMN YOU!!!



as he's dragged off by his own men... or the enemy... I dont fucking know... and then LIKE AN ABSOLUTE BALLER TYWIN COMES STRUTTING IN IN FULL ARMOR AND A RED CLOAK WITH HIS FACE SPLATTERED WITH BLOOD AND TELLS HIS DAUGHTER "THE BATTLE IS OVER, WE HAVE WON" WITH A SMUG SMILE LIKE AN ABSOLUTE GANGSTER



and Cersei, barely avoiding the edgiest scene yet, lets the poison spill on the ground and drops the vile shattering it, and she holds Tommen close and kisses his head in relief, and over the closing credits there is some edgy song sung by some deep voiced Chad guy about a lion standing strong

wow that was a fantastic episode, you can tell they spent a fuck load of money on that because that really was movie quality, sure it was centred around like one location but so was like the best movie battle ever the fight at Helmsdeep, literally far better than most modern war movies that people suck off like Dunkirk that had like zero action and just like 500 extras standing around in tiny lines on a beach when in real life the event had over 300K fucking people there, and all the action in this episode was in service of developing the characters, great shit bravo HBO tbh, probably the best episode so far tbqh since, well, no fucking Jon's virgin quest or Dany mary sue dogshit for a start which is always good, but it's focused on one situation in one location in pretty much real-time and has big character development for everyone as they're put through this crucible, as The Hounds nihilism catches up with him, as we see the worst and best sides of Cersei, as Tyrion rises to the challenge and Joffrey fails to, ect ect, which overcomes a lot of the flaws of the shows slow pace, I know I've said I enjoy the decompressed style of modern "premiere" TV whatever that means but it works great in Breaking Bad because yeah you might only get like 8 scenes total in an episode of a very methodical conversation or a very drawn out plot advancement scene but you're only really following the main character and usually 1 antagonist and 1 side character so you can get reasonably paced and very in depth development of their stories in one episode, the problem with this show is THERE'S LIKE 100 NAMED FUCKING CHARACTERS, you have a main story with 5 different fucking armies fighting with 2 side stories, and each of these 7 storylines has 1 to like 8 main characters in them at any given time, and each of these like 30 main characters has 1 or 2 named support characters, so never mind doing anything you don't see half the cast for most episodes, and there's only 10 episodes a season so by the end of the season each character has usually only actually done one thing to advance their plot, like all Robb or Jon have done is meet their love interests, all Jaime or Arya have done is escape capture or get captured respectively, all Sansa has done is almost get raped, Joffrey hasn't done anything other than bottle it this episode, Dany doesn't really do anything and just finds a new group of people to rant at, all Renly did was get killed by a T-3000, only Tyrion and fucking Theon have really evolved that much, I couldn't imagine waiting a week to watch this shit because all that'd progress is "ah another tea time with Tywin and Cersei threatens someone, what amazing plot advancement"rather than the about 2 episodes a day progress I'm going at, but this episode wasn't just drifting around the realm seeing Cat moaning at someone for 4 minutes and then not seeing her again we focus entirely on the stories of the characters in Kingslanding during an actual plot event happening and it was dank as fucking hell and they need to do episodes like this more



Game of Thrones 2x10: "Valar Morghulis"
lock up racemixers special edition
First aired: June 3, 2012

ok like some fucking LOST shit we open up on a human eye opening as the sounds of the battle rage around them and when they open flames and figures flailing about are reflected



but then when it blinks the reflection is during the day with a figure leaning over them, very kino way to depict someone losing time and how the images of the war will stick with them forever, bravo, and it's Tyrion who sees through blurry eyes Pycelle leaning over him and he starts screaming for Pod who rushes through and tells him through a sore throat to go tell Bronn or Varys that he's here with Pycelle and that he's VERY much alive, and Pycelle taunts him asking if he'd like anything for the pain and brushes his bandage covering one of his eyes and his bloody cheek as he realizes he's scared Pycelle will take revenge on him, interesting that he thinks Varys is on his side or he just figures whatever his machinations are they seem to include him staying alive if for nothing more than a proxy to release his plans through, e.g. giving him that map, so it seems Tyrion takes the credit for coming up with that plan in public so he suffers any scrutiny or blowback from that, and Pycelle tells him Stannis suffered a stunning defeat at the hand of his father and taunts him that the tiny room he's in is his new quarters since he's no longer the Kings Hand anymore "but you don't need much room do you?" and flicks him a gold coin "for your trouble" before leaving smuggly that Tyrion got his comeuppance

then we cut to A HORSE TAKING A BIG SHIT and it walks forward to reveal that it's Tywin's horse he's walking into the great hall as if everyone let's him do whatever the fuck he wants and as the horse struts up, with I am pprrrettty sure the actors head CGI'd onto the rider since this dude is like 66 when this was filmed and probably not game to fall off a horse, and Joffrey does the extremely long title drop meme as he declares Tywin the savoir of the city... and the new Kings Hand and as a servant hands the pin over Tywin nods to his grandson and says smuggly "thank you You're Grace" as he knows he has complete control over this helpless wanker, who he probably detests for being so spoiled and soft like his own father, a thing he tried to abuse out of his own children, and Joffrey nods back to him with the same resentful resting bitch face he's inherited from his mother and the actor does a really good job of replicating it



then Joffrey calls CIA forwards and rewards him for his ingenuity in uniting the Lannister and Tyrelle houses with that wacky mountain castle Cats sister had called Harrenhal and all it's related lands and incomes and CIA cocks an eyebrow as he got what he wanted despite Tyrion jerking him around about it and Varys scowls at him with his face tripping as his main rival finally gets one up on him and when Joffrey says they'll be his sons and grandsons for all time CIA quips "I'll have to acquire some sons and grandsons" the crowd chuckles nervously not knowing if he can get away with cracking a joke to the King but they relax when Joffrey chuckles along and le smirky lady smirks at CIA enjoying how slick with his words her new ally is and then Joffrey calls forward Loras who kneels in front of the throne and offers him whatever reward he wants for saving his family and he tells him that Margaery's husband was killed before they could... you know... so she remains innocent (yeah right) and HE ASKS JOFFREY TO MARRY HIS SISTER to combine their two houses, they'd be a much better match tbh since she is also a sadistic cunt like Joffrey but also already fully acclimatised at not only managing powerful men but acting through them so everyone would get what she wants, she the most powerful person in the land, Joffrey the one woman in the land he'd probably get along with and everyone around them has Joffrey's retarded manchild behavoir managed by someone more mature, and CIA gives a cheeky smirk like he's arranging all this just so he can fuck over the Stark family and force Cat to marry him or some ultra friendzone Nice Guy shit, and Joffrey smugly ass Margery if this is what she wants, like he gives a shit and just wants to stroke his ego in public, and Sansa looks nervous like she doesn't know wtf she wants either she's saved from marrying Joffrey or is now not useful to the Lannisters and might get beheaded or some shit, and Margery says "with all my heart, Your Grace, I've come to love you from afar, tales of your courage and wisdom have never been far from my ears, and these tales have taken root DEEP inside of me" and Marg is hamming it up breathing heavily trying to act all sexual but Joffrey being The Incel King just gives his mother a cheeky smile, as if to say SEE I am loved by the people, not even noticing Marg making her innuendo, and he sees the sour look on his mothers face so compliments Marg on her beauty but then turns her down as he's promised to another... and a king must keep his word! and Cersei smiles at Joffrey trying to do what he thinks she wants for once but actually tells him that he shouldn't marry the daughter of a man beheaded for treason who's brother is in rebellion against the crown when he has a better option, and says "the small counsel begs you to set Sansa Stark aside" while glaring up at her, I'm not sure if her calculation here is what would be better or worse for Sansa lmao, going to go with worse since she's such a bitch, and Pycelle and Varys look alarmed at this new development as it's something CIA snuck up on them and the crowd starts cheering for Margery as they are all loving the Tyrelle family now for saving them rather than the Starks who are fighting them and Joffrey stands up and motions for them to be quiet and says he'd love to go with the wishes of both their people but took a holy vow, I guess Joffrey seems asexual and knows nothing about this woman so has no interest in her but he wants to marry Sansa just because he likes treating her like shit lmao since she's this seemingly pure and too-precious-for-her-own-good girl who's family has turned against him, and Pycelle steps forward, muttering and hunched over as if he's ancient, and waxes lyrically about pacts with the gods but points out his father arranged this marriage before the Starks revealed their falseness and says he's talked to the High Septon and says he assured him that their crimes against the realm free from any promise made to them in the sight of the gods and the crowd mumbles in their approval and Cersei gives a huge cheeky smirk to Pycelle to show him he's doing the right thing backing her and Joffrey steps up in front of the stain glass window of their holy symbol and declares "the gods are good... I am free to heed my heart! Ser Loras I would gladly heed your sister, you will be my queen!"



and goes on about how he'll love her forever, I guess putting the easy public opinion sway over his own sadism for being able to domestically abuse this girl he resents since he must have heard the bad PR he got from fleeing the battle and seems to care about seeming like a heroic leader since he's just been told he's entitled to such a status all his life and CIA gives a conspiring look and Marg somehow manages to smirk from both sides of her mouth as she's smiling, this is some Juliet shit right here



and the crowd cheers and claps as their shipping comes true, and Marg glances up as Sansa like gotcha bitch and Sansa cant believe it not knowing what to think as the extras around her do a good job of looking at her scared for what this means for her, and Joffrey looks around super satisfied the people are all clapping for him, and when Sasna leaves she actually smiles and laughs to herself realizing probably anything is better than being Joffrey's wife, and CIA sneaks up on her and she has to drop her face immediately and he basically tells her lmao ur not off the hook yet bitch he can still beat and fuck you all he wants since "Joffrey's not the sort of boy that gives away his toys" and he creepily holds her harm and compares her to her mother at her age and talks about how she was like a sister to him, not saying much in this show mate, and he promises that for her sake she'll help get her home, but Sansa worries he's testing her loyalty or something and claims Kingslanding is her home now, but CIA says "look around us, we're all liars, and every one of us is better than you" in her skills at lying he means, perhaps that's the only reason CIA set up this marriage, to leave Sansa as a loose end that he gets to take charge of trading back to the Starks so he can have Cat owe him one (a blowjob), very funny Varys elaborate plans biggest roadblock is CIA being a massive incel lmao

then we see in the brothel Ros I think putting make-up over the blackeye Cersei's men gave her when a figure in a cloak comes in and she puts on a nice voice while trying to put on her nice face and tells them to get comfy and starts getting her tits out to encourage them to be confident enough to take their cloak off but when they take down the hood ITS VARY'S and he says "no need for that my dear" and Ros asks "you sure? most men like what they see" I guess not knowing who this guy is and just thinking he's another weirdo john and he says slightly forlornly like it's not by his own choice or nature "I'm not like most men" and Ros quips "that's what most men say" and Varys chuckles appreciating her quick wit and Ros asks what he would like and Varys is seemingly there to poach her allegiance from CIA, needing to get back at him for his recently shenanigans (which is something I really like about their relationship, usually these "two masterminds are each others arch nemesis" it is usually a personal dispute or both are fighting over the same issue, but here they have two totally different agendas, winning over Cat and whatever the fuck Varys considers saving the realm, and just by sheer proximity they happen to interfere with each other and they'd probably be best friends if they had mutual interests), and is asking if she finds his employment fulfilling and Ros asks if they've met before, perhaps worrying if he's been sent by CIA to test her loyalty, but Varys says he thinks she remembers all the men she's met and her true talents are wasted on them and Ros says "ooh you're too kind my lord, allow me to return the favor" and snakes her hand into his pants to fondle... nothing... and Varys looks at her and gives her a cocked head like YOU JUST TRIGGERED MY TRAP CARD BITCH



wonder if they had to get the actor to tuck his junk back or something presuming he's not castrated irl and Ros recoils and Varys asks "you're afraid, why? nothing dangerous down there!" and I thought it was going to be she's scared of a man she can't calm down sexually but it's that "I know who you are" and Varys says "unlike your current employer I protect those who work for me, I don't abuse them on royal whims or force them to abuse each other" so I guess CIA let Cersei rough her up and maybe Ros was one of the whores Joffrey beat I cant fucking remember or tell half these crackers apart and Ros asks "how do you know that?" and Varys smirks and says "I thought you knew who I was?" and when she asks "what can I do for you Lord Varys" like she figures cant get any worse and then he pats the bed side her to sit back down and he lifts her chin up to look at him and says he sees her as a partner unlike just an investment like CIA and says "everyone has a weakness, your current employer thinks he hides his... but not as well as he thinks!" with a glint in his eye, yeah actually its pretty obvious to everyone in the city he is a massive oneitis cucklord for Cat

then we see Brie pulling their rowboat ashore and Jaime starts needling her again asking if she's a virgin and how the boys must have mocked her and then asks if she wished a boy was strong enough to overpower and ravish her and then says "I'm strong enough ;)" literally offering to rape her wow nice negation tactics but Brie just grumbles "not interested", ah, so that is how Brie gets her power and can play with all the powerful incel men, she is the rare femcel! and Jaime says "of course you are, you'd love to know what it's like to be a woman!" but as if to explain what that's like Brie's attention is drawn to... THREE WOMEN LYNCHED FROM A TREE WITH A SIGN SAYING "THEY LAY WITH LIONS" THOT STATUS: PATROLLED, EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 31



which is pretty edgy but I mean in France after Hitler topped himself they dragged women who were fucking the nazis out into the street and shaving their head off and stripping them naked so this shit probably happened too, and there's an interesting wee note where Jaime reads it out and you might miss that that's just to use it to taunt Brie some more but maybe that's what he does to help read it due to his dyslexia I've heard that's a thing that helps and Jaime says "the work of the brave Northern freedom fighters, must make you proud to serve the Starks!" pointing out the hypocrisy in pretending knights are noble, which I think is the central thesis of this story, I remember reading a quote from GRRM saying he was interested by how knights would write love poems to their wives and wear their ribbons to tournaments but then would go and rape innocent women when raiding an enemy village which tbh I love (pointing out the juxtaposition of the propaganda told to the public/themselves vs. their actual effect on the world, not the rapes lmao) but of course the braindead american public takes it at face value like all anti-heroes like Jack Bauer or fucking Patrick Bateman and just genuinely thinks they're cool for being macho and killing people but Brie insists "I don't serve the Starks, I serve Lady Catlyn" and Jaime just says "tell yourself that when they swing in your dreams" which is something edgy I'd say, this dude fucking rules, points out the dumb normies hypocrisies and fucks his sister, wtf I love rooting for anti-heroes now, and then Brie the dumb LARPer starts tying him to a tree so she can bury them which is an honerable sentiment that gets it's grimdark reward immediately when they hear the voices of men approaching... talking about giving away a dagger when cutting rope! and Jaime demands to be untied but they're already rounding the corner saying "so unless it got lost up your arse on the way to your cunt it's h-" lmao the fucking dialog in this show and these three randomly generated NPC characters are they're shocked to find these two overly designed player characters under their lynching and Brie explains she's travelling a prisoner and THE THREE BURST OUT LAUGHING "YOU'RE A WOMAN? A WOMAN?! A WOMAN! HAHAHAA, WELL FUCK ME!" and Jaime dops his head knowing all too well what happens when men like this start laughing and a completely humiliated Brie says "if you've quite finished up-" BUT THEY KEEP LAUGHING AT HER LMAO



and when she goes to untie Jaime they ask who she fights for, and she has to immediately go back on her excuse and admit she is on the side of "the Starks" and when they ask what Jaime did he starts acting and talking all gruff and common defending himself for "eating", and she plays along and says "stealing", and she claims he's taking him to Riverrun to rot in a Tully dungeon, which might be the truth idk where they're going, with um Gwendoline Christie doing a good job of acting out Brie, who in a nice change of pace from the usual warrior woman trope isn't an actual le stoic badass, it's just that that's what she aspires to be, like a lot of dysfunctional things men do that women want to also do since they only see the positive stereotype everyone plays along with and not how that actually ruins your fucking life to actually do it to where you end up like The Hound or worse his brother, trying to hide how anxious she is, and the men mock her that he can't be that important if they sent him with her and Brie fiddles with the ropes for a long ass time you'd think she'd just cut them with her sword or something but I guess it makes sense from how nervous she is and the men start grilling Jaime on his origins who keeps playing common and as they're about to leave they ask Brie what she thinks of the beauties, and she just says "I hope you gave them quick deaths" and the lead asshole says "two of them we did, yeah" and just keeps smiling at her like it's not even meant to be shocking to him anymore and is just routine to presumably rape your own civilian women and Brie tries to hide her sneer and tries to walk off but then one of the men clocks Jaime as THIS IS THE KINGSLAYER! and the two of them try to shrug it off and the lead asshole asks his mate who he knows what the Kingslayer looks like, since this is in ye olden times before mass media which is odd to think about especially in 2019 where it's not just famous people everyone knows what they look like which I guess was a thing for at least the most famous since the printing press but now adays you know how literally everyone on Earth looks from a google search (other than me heheheheh eat shit Light Yagami) and the guy insists he was there when he was captured and the lead asshole deploys his amazing interrogation skills by saying in his thick manchester accent "I have a question for you both, and I want you to answer at the same time, I count to three you both answer: whats his name? one.... two.... three...." and Jaime just looks condescendingly at Brie like of course this will have to end this way and Brie glares at him like she hates him but knows hes right so BRIE SHOVES JAIME AWAY, STUNS ONE OF THE MEN WITH THE BUTT OF HER SHORT SWORD AS SHE DRAWS IT, SLITS THE SECOND MAN'S THROAT WITH IT BEFORE HE CAN EVEN DRAW HIS



AS SHE DRAWS THE FIRST MANS SWORD SLASHING IT ACROSS THE LEADERS CHEST IN AS HE COMES AT HER IN ONE MOTION AND THEN USES BOTH SWORDS TO SLICE THE FIRST UNARMED MANS NECK OPEN AS HE TRIES TO GRAB AT HER



ALL IN THE SPACE OF 5 SECONDS FLAT AS JAIME STANDS THERE JAW HANGING OPEN IN APPROVING AMAZEMENT



damn that was some operator shit I had to watch that like three times to catch what was going on which maybe technically a bad thing but I liked that it was just a flurry of blades and suddenly all three are laying on the ground bleeding to death aint nout wrong with a close-ups in a fight like some brainlets will have you believe if it's to depict confusion on purpose, and the leader grasps at his gaping wound and looks at his two dead comrades as Brie drops both swords and unsheathes her main sword and taunts him "two quick deaths?" and then kills him by seemingly inserting her sword up into his body through his crotch so he dies painfully, and Jaime cocks his head like he's impressed by her brutality, but he warns her "those were Stark men" and Brie growls again, meaning it this time, "I don't serve the Starks, I serve Lady Catlyn" and Jaime looks at her like ok he believes she does actually have some conviction after all and Brie says she said she's taking him to Kingslanding so that's what she'll do, odd choice by Cat there you'd think she'd arrange a formal trade for the girls first and just move him to a safehouse before then or something, and when Brie looks down at Jaime not tied to the tree anymore she just hisses "stay" at him as she hacks down the rope holding up the lynched thots, damn that was a gangster scene, I was expecting this to be the scene where a certain something happens to Jaime I've been spoiled on years ago and probably Brie getting raped for le realism, but it was your more traditional "hero takes out the assholes instantly" scene, and the usual grim nature of the world made it all the more cool rather than the usual reaction of "well of course they weren't hurt by these random NPCs, they're the protagonists" in most movies, bravo GoT for being legitimately exciting

then back with Robb that is quickly becoming the new boring central he is being warned by Cat to not cross the riverking guy and tries to explain that at his age falling in love seems like the most important thing but in the adult world it's something you slowly build up for the sake of others like she and Ned did, imho there's probably a healthy in-between you should aim for between a literal arranged marriage or just dedicating your life to someone the night you meet them on a whim, and Cat says that kind of love lasts longer than than a passionate fling in the woods, and Robb gets snippy but Cat reminds him he gave his word too, but Robb tells her she has no right to call anyone else reckless, still triggered about her letting Jaime go

then we cut to Stannis edgily staring at a fire and is grilling the Red Lady that she said he fortold his victory in the fires, but he lead his men into hell with the brothers burning alive around them for nothing, which is an interesting thing that Stannis genuinely emotionally cares for his men and is a real boots-on-the-ground commander rather than most of the leaders who just see their men as necessary sacrifices, even Robb, since every other military leader character is in the mindset of being a highborn leader while Stannis seems like a practical down to earth soldier first no matter his family, and the Red Lady tries to walk her way out of it by saying she's been fighting longer than he has but STANNIS GRABS HER WITH BOTH HANDS AROUND HER THROAT AND HISSES INTO HER FACE "SHOW ME HOW YOU FIGHT, SHOW ME" and the Red Lady shows him exactly her fighting style by taking her hands away as if daring him to go ahead and kill his unarmed lover but Stannis aint into that kind of fighting and says the fucking WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW? meme to her, lmao five star my ytmnd with the burger king king ploxins!!!11!!!



and Stannis chokes her to the point of almost passing out while whispering "will he save you... where is your god?" and looks like he's about to cry as if he actually wants her to be right and for something supernatural to happen so that he didn't just throw all his men's lives away for a bunch of bullshit (which would be a great dynamic if, you know, it hadn't been confirmed she really does have supernatural powers and his most trusted right hand man didn't witness her give birth to a fucking smoke monster assassin lmao, FUCK this shows fantasy elements, get the FUCK back to middle earth), and she struggles out "inside you" as if to try to shift the responsibility to him and it works as he drops her down to the ground and staggers away disgusted at the whole situation and then he edgily says "I murdered my brother", so what the fuck does he think happened, surely he knows she had some supernatural ability and didn't do it personally, he literally knows for a fact she really does have supernatural powers, why is he saying shit like "I'm acting like a savage worshipping a fire god" if he knows for a fact it's real lmao, so fucking dumb, fuck you GRRM, and the Red Lady tries to comfort him by taking the blame to and holding him but he won't accept it so she just tells him straight up "this war will go on for years, you'll betray your men, your family and everything you once held dear... and it will all be worth it, because you are the Son of Fire, the Warrior of Light" as Stannis falls under the spell of this thot whispering about ultimate power in his ear, I get the impression that Stannis storyline is a commentary on the universal Chosen One™ narrative in fiction and how nasty that would be in reality if someone truly thought they were destined to save the world they'd accept any losses along the way as something not only necessary but actually external from their doing if they're serving some great holy mission or inevitable prophecy even if you start out as a very honerable respecting person, which would be extremely good storytelling if it wasn't for, you know, DANY, THE WORST CHARACTER ON THE SHOW, PLAYING THAT "CHOSEN ONE" NARRATIVE STRAIGHT LMAO, GET THESE FUCKING SUPERNATURAL ELEMENTS THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SHOW REEEEEEEEEEEEE and Stannis isn't convinced yet since he's stuck in a dumb fantasy universe but the Red Lady says "let me show you" and pulls him by the hand to a burning fire and gets him to stare into it, which is I guess how people watched TV and also looked things up online in these times, and we see the fire reflected in his eyes as it hypnotises him and seduces him into fulfilling it's destructive promise and she's like "do you see my king?" and he admits "...yes..."

then speaking of edgy fires we see Theon slumped in a chair throwing wood into his fire swearing that he'll kill the horn blowing cunt outside that's been micspamming him all night and the teacher says "they want you to know you're surrounded" as the Stark soldiers have arrived at Winterfell and I guess they're doing ye olde psychological warfare on them like in the modern day sieges when they play the sounds of pigs being slaughtered to freak out terrorists held up in some building and shit like that, and when the teacher tries to explain it's to stop him from sleeping Theon barks "YES THANK YOU OLD WISE BALD MAN!" as it's working and he's losing what little nerve he has and he orders the teacher to send word to his father but he says "you killed all the ravens" lmao fucking idiot and Theon tries to start up his tragic backstory but gets interrupted by the earrape horn again and starts up again whining about being held captive by the Starks and brushing off the teacher pointing out how kind they were to him and breaks down crying about how hard it is to be told you owe your captives and then go back and have to face your own father and then the horn blows away and he gets so triggered he stands up insisting "I WILL KILL THAT MAN! I SWEAR TO THE DROWNED GOD, THE NEW GODS, THE OLD GODS, TO EVERY FUCKING GOD IN EVERY FUCKING HEAVEN, I WILL KILL THAT MAN!" with his voice cracking half way through leaving him breathless lmao good performance and the teacher guy tries to council him that he should just run as he's not going to win a 20 v 500 fight but Theon even if he somehow gets back home alive he'd be the shame of the family, so the teacher recommends joining the Nights Watch with is where everyone running from their problems go and offers Theon passage through secret escape tunnels and Theon starts to be convinced but then realizes if he followed his recommendation Jon Snow would get revenge on him and ponders if he's too far gone for redemption but the teacher guy says "you're not the man you're pretending to be... not yet" and puts his hand on his shoulder and Theon admits "you're right... but I've gone too far to pretend to be anything else" and the teacher pats him on the shoulder and looks down having tried his best, this is why Theon is an interesting character since most shows either don't want to handle a character doing evil as sympathetic and/or want to have him be a hardass that seems cool or is easy to root against and not just fucking pathetic and insecure like the majority of violent people in real life are, which is arguably morally worse than someone who was just born fucked in the head or unintentionally conditioned that way by their environment but is a wee bit too much nuance for most shows and probably this one judging by the over the top fate I know Theon gets



then the next morning outside he is trying to rile up his 20 men by saying "that horn is the mating call of the Northmen, they want to come in here and fuck us, well I haven't had a good fuck in weeks, I want one!"......... wow........g....... goodone Theon....... you want to get fucked by men...... and all his men laugh.... but probably not with him.... and he bigs them up by asking if it's true the Ironborn are worth 10 mainland men and only the fat bald bully guy says "aye" and then he tries to hype them up by going on this big elaborate rant about how they'll die today bleeding from a 100 wounds but they'll be remembered by every man woman and child forever only a few of them are nodding while the others just stare at him so he actually has to start namedropping them before getting some "ayes" and he goes on saying "men will name their sons after us, women will think of us with their lovers inside them!" since he cant stop thinking about sex even now lmao and the men like that one and start going "aye!" to that as if they're all as fuckboyish as him and Theon screams that whoever kills the hornblower gets a statue and starts beating his chest screeching WHAT IS DEAD MAY NEVER DIE!!!!



and they all start chanting back to him and Theon gets super hyped and screams YEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! but HIS FIRST MATE KNOCKS HIM OUT FROM BEHIND HAHAHAHAAHHAHAAHAHHHA AND THE FAT GUY SAYS "THOUGHT HE'D NEVER SHUT UP"



and the first mate just says "was a good speech, didnt want to interupt" and the teacher does the stupid thing of marching up demanding to know what they're doing as they put a bag over Theon's head as if it isn't obvious and THE FIRST MATE SPEARS HIM IN THE GUT oh shit and tells his men "lets go home" and leaves him to bleed out in the mud as they drag off Theon, oof



then with Tyrion he's accusing Varys of lying for telling him that that kingsguard tried to kill him... on his sisters orders... yeah thought so, but Varys points out no need for anyone else to causing strife between those two, and Tyrion believes him and tells Pod, his squire they're both proud of, to go get Bronn to post his four most loyal gold cloaks outside his door at all times, but Varys tells him he's been relieved of command and the city guard are now loyal to Tywin or Cersei depending on which (which one she's fucking I'm sure he means) and Tyrion suggests his hilltribesmen from last season but they went home once his father paid them their due and maybe a little extra to leave his son unprotected and even Varys says he wont be able to see him again as Tyrion puts it he "doesn't want to swim to close to a drowning man" and Varys lets his cag in to visit her and consoles Tyrion that the city still knows he saved them and leaves and then we get another dumb romance scene that doesn't work in this show since I'm sure it'll end horribly where she takes his bandage off and sees his huge gash across his face, which in the books results in him losing his nose, and we get the typical hollywood thing of "oh no I'm so disfigured!!!!" but unlike in the source material where they are actually super fucked up in the face it's just a scar



like the girlfriend in Ready Player One or the heroine in Mortal Engines, and he claims she'll only stay with him for his money, but she says fuck the money, he's clearly not cut out for the war life and hates it here and they should just elope and Tyrion wells up as as he's so tempted but he thinks his only purpose in life and more so the only thing he's proud of is his ability to manage the bad people in his family by outtalking and outthinking them and he admits "I like it, I like it more than anything I've ever done... are you going to leave?" and the cag who's name I forget says "you have a shit memory, I am yours and you are mine" and Tyrion has a great performance where he breaks down crying which would be more effecting if we don't all know this'll end terrible and it'll be his fault for not leaving this dysfunctional environment, with the terminology of my favorite cult, he needs to DeFoo

then at the new boring storyline we see Robb and the nurse getting married under a tree where they bind their hands together and swear a vow to the seven, another romance that won't go well I'm sure

then at the worst storyline we open with a very nice shot of the woods outside Qarth as Dany, Jorah and one of her few remaining soldiers hike up to The House of the Undying or whatever and they look up at this big scary tower with spikes around it, which is actually a real place in Spain I think, and Jorah warns the warlocks kill with sorcery not steel so don't need guards, and when they walk up to it Dany cant find the front door and asks "is this a riddle?" as she walks around it trying to find a way in (could climb in that window but ok) and when she walks ahead of Jorah he finds that... she's disappeared and he's back with the dothraki dude again, and they yell up trying to find her but then we cut to her somehow already inside the tower, and she picks up a torch and starts ranting arrogantly that magic tricks don't scare her and calls them scared of a little girl, which would be all hela epic if she wasn't 100% physically non threatening without someone else to protect her and her only abilities are defence against fire and makes her seem completely delusional and obnoxious



then with Arya and the boys they are walking through the countryside when they look up and see the edgy assassin dude staring at them smugly from atop a cliff and when they go around the other side he's simply gone like fucking batman or something and then just walks out beside them and he tells Arya killing the guards was no harder than taking a new name, I assume he means a new identity, should have just told Arya giving a name doesn't count if you use a persons fake name like in Death Note lmao, and Arya asks him to train her to be an edgy anime character and he tells her they'd have to go across the Narrow Sea to Braavos, where her equally flamboyant "dance" teacher was from, and he says dancing is easy compared to being a Faceless Man™ like what that cag told Danys brother last season, and tempts Arya that she could get revenge on all the Lannisters she swore vengeance on, and she says she'd like to... but has to find her family, so he hands her a coin that he can use to summon him by just giving it to a man from Braavos and saying "Valar Marghulis" very edgy and mysterious and then he goes to leave and she says "please don't leave Jaqen" but he says "Jaqen is dead" and makes her say his new/real name back to him to make sure she remembers and then when he turns back to her HE HAS A NEW FACE, HE'S SWITCHED TO HIS ALT ACCOUNT and walks off into the wild, I guess the implication here being he might actually be her "dancing" teacher who survived and just changed his face since they have the same obnoxious personality?



alright sorry but this is absolute drivel, why introduce fucking SHAPESHIFTERS into le gritty and grounded world? how am I meant to take anything seriously now? how am I meant to care about, say, Ned dying when he could 100% still be alive and that was just a shapeshifter taking his place? complete dogshit tbqh, get this fucking fantasy autism the fuck out of this supposedly le real consequences setting

then we see Osha, the wildling thot, leaving the crypt with Hodor and the Stark boys to find Winterfell castle has been badly burned with dead people and horses strewn everywhere, and they see the boys two direwolves whining at the gates as if they're trying to show them something, and they presumably follow them to find... the maester under that white and red holy tree almost dead from blood loss, and the little boy runs over to hold him and the maester looks so happy he gets to see his pupils one more time and that they're safe and the boys ask what medicine to get him from his chambers but he tells them he's fine and they know he's just trying to make it easy for them and the little boy breaks down crying, and when Bron says "they burned it down! they burned down everything!" the maester gets serious and says "not everything, not you" and tells them to go North, but Osha says their mother and brother are South, but he says there's too many enemies there and they need to go to Wall so Jon can protect them (seems like a bad idea but this dude doesn't believe in White Walkers) and Bran says he doesn't want to leave him but the maester steels himself and says "I don't want to leave you, I pulled you into this world and have seen your faces almost every day since, and for that I consider myself very very lucky" and then tells Hodor to take them off as he puts on a brave face and says he'll be fine there and once they're out of earshot he grabs Osha close and tells her desperately "you must protect them, you're the only one who can", and Osha looks down almost like she's ashamed she would have probably abandoned them before and isn't sure she has the moral fortitude to not do that now, but when the old man says "you may even have to protect them from your own kind" she says "I have no great love for my own kind" I guess realizing she has more in common with these helpless little boys than the ruthless nasty people in the world and she offers him some dank heroin but he just looks at her knife and tells her "do it quickly" knowing she's a real nigga, I feel like the story needs more nice normal good people like him since when every character is a ruthless military commander, selfish sociopath or sadistic psychopath seeing someone getting brutally murdered every episode kind of loses it's effect if you get the impression everyone in this universe is a scumbag so why be shocked by anyone's behaviour or feel sorry for anyone, rip dude who could have very easily been written as a gay pedo or something edgy



then we see our band of unlikely heroes walking over the moors away from the burning Winterfell, idk what happened there since it seemed like the fishlads were just giving to surrender Theon to the Stark forces and hope they get treated well since it was a hopeless situation but I guess they just didn't trust Theon to be the leader and fought the siege anyway or maybe like just set fire to the place and fled in the confusion but the Stark forces are nowhere to be seen so idk, maybe the 20 lads actually won lel



anyway then back in retard land Dany is walking through this creepy dark tower following the squeals of her baby dragons until she finds herself in... some alternate version of the iron throneroom, except with the ceiling missing and snow falling in to fill the place up, as if it's a vision of the future where winter has come and jacked up all of Westeros, and she walks up to the iron throne, which I think they're missing a kino beat by not depicting in the film making that it almost has a character to itself that tempts people to their ruin, but we get a wee bit of that where Dany goes to touch it, being tempted, but then hears the cries of her dragons, and goes towards them instead of her lust for power, and she goes through a gate and finds herself like she's in a dream leaving the gate to leave The Wall as if to say this environment is going to be everywhere soon



and she sees a tent in a snowstorm and staggers through it inside and finds herself in her old Dothraki wedding tent and sees KAHL DROGO HOLDING THEIR INFANT SON who welcomes her home but she says this must be dark magic but wonders if she's dead and in the afterlife, but then Aquaman, edgy as always, says "or maybe I told the Great Stallion to go fuck himself and came back to wait for you" and Dany tears up realizing "that sounds like something you would say" because she missed her completely charmless, dumb, savage, rapist husband she has no reason other than literal stockholm syndrome to love in some creepy co-dependent thing where he happened to treat her relatively well for equally unlikely reasons and she goes down to hold her son and Aquaman says "maybe this is just your dream, or my dream, I dont know, these are questions for wise men with skinny arms" kek I'm sensing GRRM, being a fat nerd himself, falling into the dichotomy of there's a spectrum of smart but physically useless to dumb but physically dangerous people, which could very well be a real thing since I struggle to think of real people who are both very smart and very strong but some of my favorite fictional characters are people who have both that you might underestimate their intelligence from looking at them or assume someone that smart must be a pushover physically but they end up being the most dangerous person in the setting, anyway then he waxes poetically but also very edgily about how if it's his dream he'll kill the man who tries to wake him up



as Dany puts her forehead against his and says some more poetic shit that goes straight into anime territory as soon as she mentions the wind blowing over the mountains about how much she loves him... but she knows this is just another test of her resolves, and she leaves the tent and finds herself back in the tower and sees her three dragons, one an almost black color, one a light green color and one a light brown color, chained up, and they squawk expectantly at her to be freed, which reminds me of my puppy's behavoir so good job whoever animated these quite accurate animal movements, and behind her the creepy AIDS dude says "they miss their mother" and another copy of him appears behind her again and they start talking back and fourth literally like Agent Smith explaining that their magic is stronger now they came back, and their magic is stronger when they're with her, and more copies step out of the shadows and promise she'll be with them forever... but then shackles appear on her wrists, and they say she'll be with them forever too



and they pull them tight as the dragons sequel in distress as their mother is chained up too and they're like "welcome home" but she does her pretentious meme about how her real home is across the sea where her people wait for her but the AIDS dude says "they'll be waiting a long time" and then Dany looks down at her dragons... and the AIDS dude looks down curious as to their connection, but then Dany calmly says "dracarys" and the black dragon coughs up smoke in response and the AIDS dude backs up a bit worried but then



THE DRAGON SPITS A FIREBALL AT THE AIDS DUDE SETTING HIS JACKET ALIGHT



AND DANY PUTS HER ARMS UP LETTING ALL HER BABY DRAGONS SHOOT FLAMES STRAIGHT INTO HIM



BURNING HIM ALIVE AND HE WRITHES AROUND ON THE FLOOR DYING IN AGONY



and as if the chains were only kept material by his magic they disintegrate off the dragons and then her as she looks up like das right bitch, ok that was pretty cool, or I mean, would be if this had made any logical sense so far, like why does stabbing one of him from behind not do anything but burning this one seems to kill him for real? did she just get lucky and he got cocky and talked to her with his real/original self and not through a shadow clone or whatever naruto shit? even though nothing at all indicated that? what am I meant to think is happening here? she's just blindly lucky yet again? wow epic writing for a truly cool character that's not a walking meme

then with Jon, Halfhand and the wildlings they're marching through the mountains and the redhead thot is bullying Jon by whacking him with his sword and when he easily trips her and taunts her she goes to threaten him with it, distracting the Bonelord and allowing HALFHAND TO HEADBUTT ONE OF THE BADDIES, GRAB HIS SWORD, RAM INTO ANOTHER GUY AND... START ATTACKING JON! but other wildlings hold him back as he screams "traitor!" at him, and the Bonelord says does the Godzilla (2016) meme "let em fight!" so the redhead tosses Jon his sword and the wildlings stand back as they duel furiously with Halfhand taunting Jon and his father and whore mother to get him to make it look convincing until he manages to disarm him, and looking Halfhand in the face to make sure this is what he wants, JON RUNS HALFHAND THROUGH WITH HIS SWORD



and his last words are "we are the watchers on the wall", and his scheme works when the redhead thot says "you can tell Mance that that's the man who killed Qhorin Halfhand" oh that actually was his last name and not a nickname ok lul and the Bonelord goes up to Jon with his sword.... and cuts his bindings, telling his men to burn the body because "you don't want this one coming back for you" implying that the White Walkers can turn anyone who dies up there and when reanimated at least can still hold a grudge against who killed them last, which is a dumb storyline tbqh because Jon killing him, seemingly just for him attacking him in the first place, doesn't exactly signal loyalty to the wildlings, just that he'll defend himself, it's not like he was a free man and they sent him on a mission to prove himself to go kill him or some shit, in fact Jon hasn't said shit about defecting, it'd make sense if the Bonelord or Mance already had the intention of recruiting new Nights Watch members or something and the redhead thot said he was good material from not just being another brainwashed drone or something but there's no indication of that, he's just suddenly welcomed into the wildlings after one fight from someone clearly aggressing against him first, and they take him over the ridge to see a MASSIVE tent city of tens of thousands of soldiers and she tells him "time to meet the King beyond the Wall" as he looks down dramatically, I guess this could be interesting, putting such a straight laced character as Jon in an undercover situation where he's forced to do some evil shit to maintain his cover or something, inb4 it's gay and boring like everything he does



then back in Qarth the black dude is asleep next to a white cag when suddenly a Dothraki sickle lifts the vault key off his neck and he jolts up to find Dany triple duelling her dragons and her whole crew rocking up in his crib, and aaaah the white cag is Dany's cag, her handmaiden, and she starts trying to talk her way out of it saying Triple X threatened her life and this is what she had to do to spare her, but Dany cuts her off and just says "come", oh I'm sure she already has, she's with a black man afterall and the black guy angrily whips his covers off and Jorah points his sword at him so he doesn't try anything, then we see the dothraki guy putting the key in the vault and swinging open the massive door and Dany sees that inside is... "NOTHING" ITS EMPTY LMAO, WOW A BLACK MAN LYING ABOUT HIS INCOME AND ONLY HAS FAKE BLING TO SHOW FOR IT, VERY SHOCKING



and I can feel some eeeedge coming ooooon as Dany says "thank you Xaro Xhoan Daxos... thank you for teaching me this lesson" and XXX starts trying to say he's the King of Qarth now and can help her take the Iron throne and her handmaiden traitor thot starts begging for mercy and he starts up too as THEY SEAL THE RACEMIXING COUPLE INSIDE THE VAULT TO STARVE TO DEATH, EDGY, THE ALT-RIGHT LIKES IT COUNT: 1488



and Jorah looks at Dany lovingly since he loves bad girls just as much as me and hands over the key to the vault and then she looks around her people looting XXXTentacion's crib as Jorah says "it was all a lie" but she says "looks real enough to me... real enough to buy a ship?" and Jorah is like "aye, a small ship" and then yells to the dothraki to start clearing out the gold and jewels in their language and they all cheer finally getting to do what they've wanted to do all along lmao and we get a hero shot of Dany walking past the camera smiling smugly as one of her dragons gives a cute little roar on her shoulder as literally the Game of Thrones theme music climaxes epicly, wow truly ebin, so what, is Dany in charge of Qarth now? how very convenient, she goes from the first episode literally standed in the desert dying to ruling the biggest city introduced yet in the last episode, because they conveniently let her in despite her threatening to destroy the place lmao, then she doesn't do anything for 8 episodes straight until conveniently there is a coup by 2 council members against the other 11 so she never has to meet them never mind overcome them, then conveniently the main usurper is an incompetent fucking moron despite being an amazingly powerful warlock who chains a woman up next to her living flamethrowers and reveals her true form to her, and then she can just walk into the king's quarters and frog march him to his entombment with no one else in the city putting up any resistance, absolute fucking d o g s h i t and literally and unironically like a 13 year old girls fanfiction of how if SHE was in game of thrones she'd beat all the bad guys because everyone loves her and all the hottest guys want to marry her and the whole universe revolves around how important she is, literally please edit out Dany's content into another show fuck sake



then we get a panning shot of the desolate snowy mountains where Sam and his two mates are hiking through the snow complaining about having to dig up animal shit to burn as Sam goes on and on about how inspiring Gilly is much to his friends annoyance and one of them tells him it's just that she said six words to him lmao and Sam tries to diss him back saying there's nothing he finds interesting about him and as the 0 replies simmer in the air they suddenly hear a horn blowing and Sam thinks its Jon and Halfhands horn.... but then they hear the second horn blow, and one of them takes out his sword and says that means its wildlings.... but then... they hear another horn blow.... and the two lads look at each other like uhhh... and Sam realizes "three blasts?" and HIS FRIEND SCREAMS RUUUUUUN!!! AND THE TWO BOOK IT AS FAST AS THEY CAN LEAVING SAM TO WADDLE AT 1MPH BEHIND THEM BEGGING FOR THEM TO STOP



AS HEY DISAPPEAR INTO THE SNOW AND HE LOOKS AROUND IN TERROR AS HE REALIZES HE'S SURROUNDED BY HUMAN FIGURES SO HE SCUTTLES BEHIND A ROCK TO HIDE AS.... OH FUCK... AN ARMY OF ZOMBIES WITH ROTTEN, FROSTBITTEN AND MISSING BODYPARTS COMES STAGGERING THROUGH THE SNOW



WALKING STRAIGHT PAST HIM LIKE HE'S NOT EVEN THERE, AND HE LOOKS UP TO SEE... A ZOMBIE HORSE WITH EXPOSED MUSCLES THAT SEEMS TO BE CHEWING AT ITS OWN FLESH



AND RIDING ONTOP OF IT... IS THE WHITE WALKERS LEADER, AN ANCIENT WRINKLED CORPSE WITH PIERCING BLUE EYES THAT LOOK DOWN COMPLETELY BLANK AT SAM



WHO STARTS SHAKING IN HORROR AND JUST LOOKS DOWN AND STARTS CRYING AND THE WHITE WALKERS LEADER JUST LOOKS AWAY BECAUSE HE'S SUCH A PATHETIC NON-THREAT LMAO



AND HE LIFTS HIS ICE-SPEAR AHEAD AND RELEASES A HOWL LIKE A HARSH ARCTIC WIND THAT ECHOS THROUGHOUT THE LANDSCAPE TO SUMMON HIS FORCES TO MARCH AHEAD AND THE CAMERA PANS BACK REVEALING HE'S GOT HUNDREDS OF REANIMATED SOLDIERS WITH HIM! OH FUBUNGLE!