generic ruby literally all of Game of Thrones review thread - edgy, I like it special edition

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Game of Thrones 4x01: "Two Swords"
every fucking chicken special edition
First aired: April 6, 2014

alright we're back to not opening on the opening credit animation anymore as we see Tywin unsheathing a sword from what looks like maybe a wolf skin rug or something and he has blacksmiths take the blade out and melt it down, I'm thinking maybe this is Robb's sword or something, and it looks like it's being resmelted into two new separate blades of different sizes, and then he tosses the wolf pelt or whatever into the fire and watches it burn with a satisfied look, uh ok, I had to look it up and this is actually Ned's sword that they even used to behead him and Tywin was keeping until they beat the Starks before doing this



then we see Jaime, freshly shaven and with short hair looking like a new man, in his Kingsguard armor, being presented with his new sword by his proud father, and he's amazed to see it's Valyrian steel, that was a thing wasn't it, that's what Robb's sword was? or was it Jon's? and Tywin boasts about getting one of the last three smiths who can work with it over to Westeros to make him not one but two swords from the "absurdly large" original, and he looks awfully pleased with himself, which is maybe his way of expressing he's happy his favorite child is back, going to be interesting to see Jaime interacting with his family since he's only really had one or two scenes with any of them in season 1 especially with him being tainted by heroism from his journey with Brie, wonder what happened to her, no point in asking for a ransom for Jaime now lmao, and he struggles to put the sword back it's sheath one-handed so Tywin holds it still for him and his version of compassion is telling him "you'll have to train your left hand" and when Jaime tries to sooth himself with "any decent swordsman knows how to use both hands" Tywin immediately says "you'll never be as good" as if it's just friendly banter, right, thanks dad, and Jaime admits "no, but as long as I'm better than everyone else I suppose it doesn't matter" not wanting to show his father that he's trying to be less of a prick like him but Tywin just says "you can't serve in the Kingsguard with one hand", Jaime insists his oath is for life, Tywin reminds him the war is over so the King's safe, which Jaime rejects but Tywin insists he's going home to rule in his stead, and Jaime paces around nervously as he's realizing his father won't let him be a warrior anymore and he's going to be stuck behind a desk for the rest of his life, and Tywin says "I don't expect to see the Rock again before I die" as he's the King's Hand now, ughhh I don't want Tywin to die he's such an intense character and great actor, but I also want to see what Casterly Rock is like I think it's the only main family castle we haven't seen yet other than the Hanginggardens of the Tyrells, and Jaime starts saying the same shit he started with his big soul bearing to Brie with "you know what they call me? Kingslayer, Oathbreaker, Man without honor, now you want me to break another sacred vow?" hoping that'll work on his father who cares so much about his family's legacy but Tywin points out he's not breaking a vow, he's being relieved of his duties, but Jaime puts his foot down and says "no" and Tywin's like "no?" and Jaime asserts "No." figuring if he's the most confident fearless man in the realm then he can have a fucking argument with his own 70 year old father and swaggers back to the desk and Tywin's like "I don't believe I asked you a question?" not expecting back-talk from his most sycophantic child who's been desperate to keep his favor all his life and when Tywin tries to say "if you think you're honor is bey-" but Jamie cuts Tywin off, oh shit, and says "my bloody honor is beyond repair but the answer is still no, I don't want Casterly Rock, I don't want a wife, I don't want children" which must really rustle Tywin's jimmies since he wants legitimate heirs out of Jaime and probably knows full well the reality of why Jaime feels that way, because he already has a lover and his own children: his own sister and his own niece and newphews lmao, based, and Tywin knows how to get under his own sons skin so asks "what do you want?" and Jaime either doesn't know or knows it's something pathetic like Cersei's love so controls himself and quips "supper would be nice" and Tywin looks at him so annoyed like not fucking this one too and lectures him "for 40 years I've tried to teach you... if you haven't learned by now you never will, go! if serving as a glorified bodyguard is the sum of your ambition, go serve!" and Jaime looks at him suspicious like how the fuck is his father giving in so easily, but I guess Tywin has changed too from being faced with his miserable and dysfunctional his children are face to face for a year and maybe the penny is finally starting to drop from seeing what a manchild autistic monster Joffrey is that his family has got some mental health issues that are probably his fault and is starting to give up on the whole force my family to be as badass as me dream and Jaime quips "suppose you want me to give the sword back?" but as if he hasn't let an issue go in his entire life Tywin sassily says "keep it" but as soon as Jaime puts his hand on it Tywin jabs "a one-handed man with no family needs all the help he can get" as if he's regressing to a catty teenager in a huff he didn't get his way, and Jaime stares at him a bit trying to work out what family he means, figures fuck it dude, and marches out, great scene, maybe there's some fruedien shit going on here where now Jaime's cut his beard and hair short he reminds Tywin of his own father so he's going soft on him but also resenting him or something, and I suspect Jaime's real motivation for being Kingsguard is, he does like to be a warrior, but he also wants to get close to Joffrey, his actual son, to maybe try to influence him positively, as an uncle of course, but methinks Joffrey knows the rumors are probably true and'll be uncomfortable with that



then outside King's Landing we see Tyrion overlooking the city with Bronn and Podric as he sees more and more and more poor serf people coming to the city and Bronn starts the jack-the-lad antics early asking "how many Dornish men does it take to fuck a goat?" and Tyrion pleads "please don't" so he drops it, and Tyrion reveals they're waiting for the prince of Dorn, which I think is the very bottom of Westeros that I guess has been left-be by the war so far, and he explains there's bad blood between the Martells of Born and his family and the Tyrells, and Bornn memes "so if they want to spill some Lannister blood might as well be yours?" which probably really was Tywin's thinking lul, and then we finally see their party approaching, riding up pretty fast, adorned in golden colors, and he asks Bronn if he can read their sigil, and he squints and says "uhhh golden balls?" but Podrick, perfect on his first try as always, IDs them as "wild lemons on a purple field, House Dalt of Lemonwood, a vulture grasping a baby in it's talons, House Blackmont, a crowned skull, the Manwoodys of Kingsgrave much to Tyrion's impressedness and Bronn absent mindedly goes "I need a sigil" and Tyrion asks the younger Pod if he sees "House Martell, a red sun pierced by a spear?" but he can't make it out much to his concern since they're the big hotshots, and when they pull up Tyrion very formally gives his family's regards with their pretentious titles and the Dornmen, who seem to have a sort of south of Spain look and theme to them, just stare at him and he inquires as to where the prince is and the lead guy says worryingly smugly that "his health forces him to stay in Sunspear" as if he knows he's being held captive or worse or this is all just a ruse to get killers into King's Landing, but he introduces that his brother "Prince Oberyn" to attend the royal wedding instead, wait which royal wedding, we still have 2 fucking weddings to go, and when Tyrion asks where he is the lead rider smugly says "arrived before dawn, not a man for welcome parties" as if he has no respect for either Tyrion personally or his family and finds it funny he's been waiting his time out here which Bronn finds amusing to, and he tries to have them escorted but they just barge ahead of him to the city, also the Bronn's amusement, and Tyrion seems to think Oberyn has lethal intent either specifically or in general and deduces that where to find him is easy given that he's famous for fucking half of Westeros and has had two weeks of bad road and Bronn memes "personally I'd just go to bed but I'm getting old" lul



then we see Oberyn for the first time and he's played by Pedro Pascal who was good in Kingsmen 2 and yep he's in a brothel which it seems in CIA's absence is being run by that rent boy he sent to spy on Loras since I guess he got a taste for the powerplay life and CIA trusts him enough to give him his business, for a price I'm sure, and also interesting is Oberyn is having both the male and female prostitutes lined up so I guess he's playing for both teams but in the fun way not the slaughter a wedding way, oh wait hang on one of those women isn't a man it's a woman with short hair sorry I misgendered there arrest me, anyway I was hyped for a bi character that would have been an interesting complication for him to try to be seducing like Loras and Cersei at the same time for a double chance to fuck up their wedding or something, and he takes the clothes off one of the whores and says "we like them pale down South, shows they don't work in the fields" which seems to be a true thing all over the world, dark skinned people wanting to be paler, although maybe in the modern world it's because they see white people in the media depicting the most high status people, and he has a woman with him who I guess is his wife and they're buying a girl for them both to share speaking of bisexuals, and they ask one of the girls who shows off she can put her foot above her head if she likes women and she mewls "ooh I like women if they're like you" uh huh and they make their decision but the woman insists to the new pimp that she's no lady "why not use the right words? I'm a bastard, she's a whore, and you're what? a procurer?" and he knows to play nice so just asks if he wants any others, and they say no so he sends them away, but Oberyn orders "you stay" and the pimp says "I'm afraid I'm not on offer my Lord" but Oberyn slurs through his heavy spanishy accent "everyone who works for Littlefinger is on offer, take of your clothes, we'll be here for a while" and the mans face falls as he clearly doesn't want to go back to hooking but Oberyn insists "I'm a prince, have you ever been with a prince", oh he is bi ok, and the pimp puts on his game face and gives in knowing it'll just make things worse and teases "I'm wildly expensive" and Oberyn just laughs as if it's nothing to him and the pimp asks "what way do you like it?" and OBERYN GRABS HIS CROTCH and says "my way" I guess implying he doesn't mind being a top or bottom as long as he's in control



but then he hears someone outside singing The Rains of Castimere lmao and he storms off with his wife trying to stop him and the whore looks at the pimp like uh oh as Oberyn walks into another room with two men singing the song to their girls and he starts at them "forgive me for staring, I don't see very many Lannister's where I'm from... we don't like the smell!" and when his wife tries to drag him back one of the men is attracted to her and asks the pimp "why are you wasting a woman like this on a Dornishman? bring him a shaved goat and a bottle of olive oil!" I guess the stereotype is they're rural retards like it is for my oppressed people and the Welsh and we fuck sheep, which unoriginal Australian shitposters stole for New Zealand, and they laugh at Oberyn who smirks and comes at him saying "you know why the world hates a Lannister?" and their two whores clear out as he goes on "you think your gold an your lions and your gold lions make you better than everyone" looking down at their sigils on their swords on the table and he tells them "but you're not a golden lion, you're just a pink little man who is far too slow on the draw" and the Lannister man stares at him poker faced expecting him to do something, realizes he better go first, puts his hand on his sword but OBERYN INSTANTLY DRAWS A KNIFE AND STABS HIS HAND WITH IT oh shit, he fell for the "wind up a dickhead to attack you first so you can legally fuck him up" meme and he tells his friend who's about to draw his sword "longsword is a bad option in close quarters..." and he starts talking super fast as if this is the natural speed he lives at and has to slow himself down so others can follow him "when I pull my blade your friend starts bleeding quite a lot I'm afraid so many veins in the wrist... he'll live if you get him help straightaway... so... decisions" as he twists the knife with a big grin, that's some John Wick shit nigga



but Tyrion walks in so the other guy drops his sword back in it's sheath and Oberyn whips the knife out of the screaming man who flees and he's all hot blooded and starts making out with his wife as Tyrion tries to talk to him but they just ignore him and keep groping at each other but his wife stops so he introduces them as "Ellaria Sand, my paramour" I guess that just means lover or something and they're not married and he introduces "The King's own Uncle Imp, Tyrion, son of Tywin... Lannister" as if he hates their father and when Tryion tries to speak again Oberyn talks over him asking who Bronn "who are you, his hired killer?" and Bronn can tell he might have to fight this guy to the death at any second but tries to casually say "aye it started that way, now I'm a knight" like the machinations of power are all just a bit odd to him and Oberyn challenges him "how'd that come to pass" making sure he didn't buy his way in or something and Bronn just quips "killed the right people I suppose" and Oberyn gives a big hearty laugh and both Tyrion and Bronn nervously laugh back at this clearly very impulsive man who shouts to the pimp "we'll need a few more girls, girls yes?" and Bronn just nods his head eagerly but Tyrion shakes his and explains "oh I partook, now I'm married" and Oberyn looks confused as if monogamy isn't in his vocabulary and Tyrion does the leave us meme to his wife so they can talk alone outside, seems risky without Bronn, and they talk more frankly about being the second born sons of royal family's and how that makes you the family insult and Tyrion demands the truth why he's really here so Oberyn says last time he was here it was for his sister Elia and Rhaegar Targaryen the Last Dragon getting married, uh oh, and Tyrion swallows nervously knowing what happened to him as he starts speaking faster again "my sister loved him she bore his children swaddled them rocked them fed them at he own breast Elia wouldn't let the wet nurse touch them... and beautiful noble Rhaegar Targaryen left her for another woman" I think that was uh.... it wasn't Ned's sister was it? because he adds "that started a war and the war ended right here when your father's army took the city" so I think there was a thing where wasn't King Rob's true love Ned's sister? who died somehow? and I guess what really started his rebellion against the Targaryens was the Mad King fucked his girlfriend lmao and I already know a certain epic incest twist from the 7th season so I think that's the meme that that would make Dany and Jon cousins if her mother was actually a Stark and that's why she wasn't the kids of the Mad Kings killed the day he fell? and Tyrion can tell where he's going with this and murmurs "I wasn't actually present" as Oberyn rants "they butchered those children, my nephew and niece, carved them up and wrapped them in Lannister cloaks, and my sister, you know what they did to her?" and he puts his finger under Tyrion's chin to make him look him in the eyes "I'm asking you a question" and Tyrion takes his finger away and grumbles "I've heard rumors" knowing exactly what happened and Oberyn chuckles knowing he knows full well and starts speaking fast again "so have I... the one I keep hearing is that Gregor Clegane the one they call The Mountain raped Elia and split her in half with his great sword" oh it's been quite a while since we got an actual confirmed rape so let's chalk a rape up for GREGOR CLEGANE +1 ELIA SAND (RAPED AND KILLED) and Tyrion gets shook and mumbles "I wasn't there I don't know what happened" as Oberyn sets off talking fast again "if The Mountain killed my sister your father gave the order... tell your father I'm here and tell him the Lannisters aren't the only ones who pay their debts" and glares at him before walking off as Tyrion looks around as if he regrets not taking Bronn with him, oh my oh my the drama, although this dudes a retard since Tywin doesn't give two tugs of a dead dogs dick and would poison his breakfast if it kept the numbers on his mental excel spreadsheet balanced, but he seems like an interesting character, at first he just seemed like le hedonistic playboy trope but he's actually revenge driven, and it fits that someone as impulsive and seemingly used to being able to follow every passion as him would be the one to go for revenge, since most people who want revenge would probably give up knowing they'd probably fail and it'd just make everything worse, but this guys got the perfect personality to turn his intensity and flaunting of danger towards a personal mission



then we see Dany sitting on a rock overlooking a body of water as two of her dragons play fight over it and she pet's the third on her lap that raises a... quite bigger wing... and lets out a... quite deep growl... and we see that OH SHIT, THE RED DRAGON IS THE SIZE OF A FUCKING HORSE NOW



but it's sitting quite content with it's head resting on her lap for her to stroke letting out content growls as she shushes it, and then Jorah arrives and looks on in amazement but also fear that these things could kill him in a second and he couldn't do shit about it and he watches as the two dragons in the air are actually fighting over an entire sheep that looks like nothing but a little rabbit in their claws and they drop it by Dany as if they're bringing a gift like cats do with dead mice they catch but the two yellow and green dragons land and they're still like half the size of the bigger one, more the size of donkeys, and when one goes to eat the goat the huge dark red one lurches down and grabs it and they all three start trying to tear it apart at the same time and Dany tries to shush them to calm them down but it's fucking feeding time mom and THE DARK RED DRAGON SNARLS AND SNAPS AT DANY making her back the fuck up, this whole thing reminds me of our new dog since she acted the same way when she hit her version of being a teenager when she hit puberty lmao, getting all sassy and aggressive, but holy fuck is the CGI and design good on this thing, it looks so fucking scary



and Dany looks shook as the big redblack dragon roars at the other ones to make them fuck off and then chases after them when they take the goat with them and Jorah tries to explain "they're dragons Khaleesi, they can never be tamed, not even by their mother" and Dany looks off worried, then we cut down to her and a few of her Dothraki dues inspecting a line-up of Unsullied, you know you could let them stop standing in formation all day long that'd probably be humane just saying, and Barry and Missy tell her that Daario has gotten Grey Worm gambling lmao, and she's like ya wot m8, and struts through her entire army of 80K Unsullied that are just standing in formations in a field and then into the camp of all the freed slaves from Yunkai who worship her as "mother" in their native tongue and she comes upon... Daario has challenged Grey Worm to who can hold their weapons out stretched the longest and they've been going at it since midnight lmaoooo and... wait a fucking minute... DAARIO HAS A NEW ACTOR AND HE LOOKS TOTALLY DIFFERENT, LMAO I GUESS THE LAST ACTOR WAS SO SHIT THEY HAD TO REPLACE HIM XD, although just from this guys opening line I can tell he's got a diferrent interpretation of the character, the last guy played him as maliciously impuslive and was clearly a loose canon that'd backfire on Dany eventually, this guy's just playing him generic smug warrior, even if he's not gurning and blinking nervously like the last actor was, and in the eternal quest to see who will have the tightest beta orbit around Dany they have been competing for who gets to ride beside her, but she says that'll be Jorah or Barry since neither of them kept her waiting this morning, and tells them the last man holding a sword can find a new queen to fight for so they both drop their swords immediately and at the same time lmao, and Daario, god I hope this is meant to be Daario and I'm not just autistically writing shit about a new character or something, groans in pain at keeping his arms out for 8 hours but Grey Worm actually looks pissed at Missy as if he was enjoying demonstrating his resilience and wanted to win, maybe wanting to assert his masculinity due to a certain thing, so he's getting a bit of his own personality it's just... fucked up and weird, and Daario taunts "you like that girl? must be frustrating" due to Grey Worms missing bits but he grumbles "you are not a smart man Daario" and he taunts back "I'd rather have no brains than no balls" I miss the old actor, he was not very convincing but he played him entertainingly unhinged rather than this absolutely generic cocky guy performance



then in KL Shae is trying to get a despondent Sansa, who I presume has now heard the fate of her brother and mother and that there will be no fucking rescue, all her siblings are probably fucking dead and she's the last remaining Stark who's going to be kept there and farmed for Winterfell heirs all her life, to eat something, but she just robotically says "no thank you" each time, maybe on hunger strike or some shit, and Tyrion arrives to see his girlfriend and his wife, awkward, and does the "leave us" meme to another servant girl and after eyeing Shae she gives in and leaves too, so Tyrion takes her hand and tries to talk sense to her, and Shae looks back seeing this getting jealous, but as soon as she leaves Sansa takes her hand away and tries to hold back the tears talking about how she cant sleep from thinking about what they did to her family and their bodies and Tyrion tries to apologize and says he admired her mother despite her trying to have him killed lol because of how dedicated she was to her children and assures her "your mother would want you to carry on, you know it's true" but it just makes Sansa feel worse that she's letting her mothers memory down by falling into despair and politely excuses herself to go to the godswood, and Tyrion says "prayer can be helpful" and Sansa just whispers her conversion to atheism "I don't pray anymore, it's the only place I can go where people don't talk to me"



then when Tyrion arrives home the jealous Shae is sprawled out on his bed trying to seduce him but Tyrion just get gets scared at her coming to his apartment and as she tries to undress him he stops her and stats listing "things are a bit intense, my nephew the King wants to murder me, my wife hates me because my father murdered her family, Oberyn Martell wants to murder everyone whose last name is Lannister" as he counts up his problems on his fingers but she just sucks them and tells him "you... need... to... relax" and PUTS HIS FINGERS UP HER CUNT oh my but Tyrion seems to be so shook he knows he couldn't even get hard and says "its not a good time" and she gets triggered "its never a good time!" and storms off ranting "you have your child bride now! do you love her?" which Tyrion denies and Shae accuses him of sending Varys to send her off but he doesn't get it and she yells at him SAY IT!!! and runs out in a huff from a confused Tyrion, maybe that was Varys intent all along, make her think Tyrion is cowardly sending him confused messages through her so either she takes the money and leaves peacefully or the relationship is strained until she wants to leave on her own, and we se a handmaiden overhearing their fight outside with a smirk, uh oh



then we see the Maester from the Bolton's who seems to be Jaime's personal doctor now putting a silk sheath over his stump and placing a golden hand, which Locke ironically told him to go buy and fuck himself with lul, and I'm sure is mostly being used so the actor can just slip his real hand inside it and they don't have to CGI it out or faff about with hiding his hand and using a prosthetic arm or something, over his stump which briefly hurts Jaime but the doc calls it "a work of art, the craftmanship is excellent" as he straps it around his arm and Jaime grumbles "you like it so much you're welcome to chop off your own hand and take it" and oh boy, Cersei is with him, and getting right back into the swing of their dysfunctional relationship starts chewing him out, not in the fun way, "don't be such an ingrate, I spent days with the goldsmith getting the details just right" and Jaime challenges "days?" and she admits "better part of an afternoon" and sips on her ever present glass of wine as she needs to have a buzz on at all times, would be funny if that's what kills her, liver failure from being a Cool Wine Aunt™ and Jaime tells the doc "a hook would be more practice" and Cersei rolls her eyes at her brother still trying to cling to his masculinity and teases him "elegant, I think" and Jaime grunts more in pain as the doc finishes messing with it as if just talking to his sister casually lowers his will power and Cersei cryptically thanks the Maester for curing her of her symptoms and Jaime deadpan waves at him goodbye with his new golden hand that's stuck in a sort of half open position as he leaves and Jaime starts prying at Cersei about "what symptoms" and kicks up the dysfunction with "you let him touch you?" and Cersei chuckles and taunts "you jealous?" and Cersei plays it off as "I'm surprised, you never let Pycelle touch you" but Cersei explains "you think I'd let that old lecher put his hands on me? smells like a dead cat" and sits down looking cheekily at him as if their whole dynamic is her needing to keep him attracted to him at all times but Jaime's taken some level ups in wisdom and isn't falling for it and notes "you drink more than you used to" much to Cersei's worry that he's becoming more observant and less easy to dupe with her bagina so she starts up the bitchiness ranting "well lets see, you started a brawl in the streets with Ned Stark and disappeared from the capital, my husband died in a tragic hunting accident" and Jaime teases "must have been traumatic for you" probably guessing she had something to do with it but Cersei keeps ranting "my only daughter was shipped off to Dorne, we suffered through a siege" and Jaime mimizes "a rather short siege" yeah they could go on for years and Cersei insists "a rather short siege that I didn't expect to survive and now I'm marrying my eldest son to a wicked little BITCH from Highgarden, while I'm supposed to marry her brother, a renowned pillow-biter, so!" and gives her glass up to all her problems and starts sipping and Jaime, probably not minding her new husband being gay at all so he gets to keep her to himself, just sits down beside her and reveals his take-away from his meeting "father disowned me today" and Cersei rolls her eyes at how insecure her brother is deep down and tells him "he cant disown you, you're all he's got" and Jaime memes "you're forgetting Tyrion" getting a scoff from his sister and Cersei asks him trying to seem vulnerable "you don't really plan on staying in the Kingsguard do you?" and he puts his missing hand around her and holds her hands in his one remaining one and whispers to her "staying in the Kingsguard means I live right here in the Red Keep with you" and starts to try to kiss her but Cersei cringes like she can't stand sex with anyone and only puts up with it to manipulate the brainlet men around her and says "not now" and Jaime whines "not now? when? I've been back for weeks!" wanting to fuck his sister real bad, relatable!



but then realizes "something's changed" and Cersei yells back "everything's changed!" and yells at him for not apologizing... "for leaving me" since she's the closest thing to a confidant she has in her terrible life of forced marriages and abusive family members and Jaime raises his voice "you think I wanted to be taken prisoner?!" and Cersei starts guilting him "I don't know what you want, you left me here... alone" and Jaime yells "every day I plotted my escape, every day, I murdered people so I could be here with you!" and Cersei just tells him "you took too long" as if she cant help but be a cunt to him and doesn't bother to restrain herself since she knows it'll just neg him and make him even more desperate to please her he's such an affection starved loser to her and Jaime's face drops as he goes "I-... what do you mean?" as if he's worried she's breaking up with him, lmao, and Cersei seems to confirm by saying "I mean you took too long" like she's moved on and gotten used to being alone and there's a knock on the door and at the same time Jaime yells "go away!" but Cersei says "come in" and the slave girl obeys the voice of her queen mother and is about to spill the tea sis

then in a really interesting location beside The Wall we see Yigritte back with the Wildlings who are hiding in a huge crevasse with odd rock formations




and big ginger nut finds her making new arrows for her bow and tells her they have to wait for Mance's orders but she's champing at the bit to finish the job on Jon and the ginger nut points out she's a good enough aim that she probably meant to let him live, but then they get the signal from their lookout that someone approaches so they all get their ting tings out and get ready and out from the hills come... "Thenns... I fucking hate Thenns" some big tall bald dudes with scarification across their heads, but it seems they're a Wildling tribe that Mance sent and their leader says menacingly that they just went to get some supper from a near-by village and asks... "why is it that everything tastes better this side of the wall?" and when ginger nut offers him their rabbit he chuckles and says "maybe everything's just better fed down here" and looks at him, as if to imply... they were eating the villagers themselves... and now Mance and his people are well feed too... and he gets more specific "fat... and lazy... easier for us" as he chuckles and lats gingers neck and he notices they didn't see him coming so they must have lost their Warg and also notices that Jon's missing and ginger nut refuses to answer to him so he just looks at Yig and asks "she yours?" and she says "I'm nobodies" ah yes very feminist and when he goes at her she points her bow right at his throat and his men take out their swords looks like it's biiiitch raping tiiiiiime and he just stares at her like he doesn't give a shit and then chuckles "too scrawny... not like those crows at Castle Black" uh oh, and his men start opening up a sack they brought with them... oh jeez... and gingernut tries to get Yig to put his bow down as he knows the guy isn't talking about raping her... but worse... and he starts tempting them "stuffing their faces with ham and blood sausage and stew, getting nice and at and marbled" and ginger nut tries to ignore him but this big tall bald fucker, who started off just grunting but turns out to be quite eloquent, taunts him "I know we've had our differences, Tormund, but just one time before you die... you really ought to try crow" but he ain't serving no bird as he bends down to observe that THEY'VE PUT A HUMAN ARM OVER THEIR FIRE, THEY'RE CANNIBALS! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 62 as intense scary music plays, that was a pretty cool introduction tbh, although I maintain my position that cannibalism is not actually edgy if you don't actually murder anyone for it



then at Castle Black the lads are training archery on strawmen and Sam is going to see Jon who I guess has heard the news and is talking about how he used to be jealous of Robb his whole life, like Theon, for having his fathers approval and being better at him at everything, but he could never manage to hate him, and Sam admits he feels the same way about Jon, and then Jon goes to get his balls busted by the commanding officers, and that asshole who he pulled a knife on grills him for admitting to murdering Halfhand, but he claims he wanted him to kill him to infiltrate, and some smug bald guy says "the bastard son of a traitor, what do you expect?" since oh yeah, the Commander guy who liked Jon got merced, so it's only dickheads left, and when Jon slips up and says "freefolk" they deride him for it and he just yells "aye! I talk like a wilding, I ate with the wildlings, I climbed the Wall with the wildlings, I-... I lay with a wildling girl" much to the blind Targarian mans admiration for his new found bravery to admit even more vow breaking and this bald dickhead commands he hang but the blind man reasons everyone sneaks off to get laid and Jon asks "why do we debate what rules I broke while Mancer Rayder marches on the Wall with an army of 100,000?" which I think is a real thing in undercover cops, they obviously have to break a lot of laws to maintain their cover and the legality surrounding that is vague and dodgy so they just fucking hide shit from their commanding officers and pretend no of course I never took or sold drugs while living as a drug dealer for 2 years and frequently go native and start doing crimes for their own benefit since it pays far better than their salary lmao there was a thing in the UK a while ago where cops infiltrated a fucking animal rights group thinking they were terrorists (?????) and a cop married one of their members and had a kid with her and then just disappeared one day until she saw his photo in the paper one day and realized her husband was an undercover officer so she sued the police force lmao but the asshole boss claims you can't get 50 wildlings together, but Jon insists it's true and he has giants on his side, and the bald guy laughs, and Jon just asks "you ever been North of the wall... ser?" and he says "I commanded the City Watch of King's Landing boy" oh yeah this is the dude that Tyrion had expelled up here and Jon deadpans "and now you're here... you must not have been very good at your job" and the guy jumps up screaming "how dare you?!"



and Jon now knowing he's the realest nigga in this fucking room says "there's a band of wildings south of The Wall already, led by Tormund Gaitnsbane, I killed their warg and three others, they shot me full of arrows, their orders are to attack Castle Black from the south when Mance hits it from the north, the signal for the attack will be a bonfire, Mance said it will be the greatest fire the North has ever seen, it's the truth, all the truth, do you intend to execute me, or am I free to go?" showing that he, at least to them, is completely dedicated to their mission and freely gave up all his intel without threatening to withhold it if they don't let him live or something, but he's leaving out the whole love affair thing and I think his real goal now is to unify both parties against the White Walkers, and the blind man says "none of are free, we are men of the Nights Watch, but we wont be taking your head today Jon Snow, go on" and lets him leave much to the annoyance of the acting commander and he mocks the blind man "so you always know when someone's lying? where did you receive this magical power?" but as the feeble old man is helped down by a guard he simply says "I grew up in King's Landing" heheheheheh and the bald twat sits there fuming that he did too but no one respects him



speaking of which we see Lady Tyrell looking at prospective necklaces with Marg but she doesn't aprove of any of them until she gets to one where she says "oh your grandfather gave me one just like this for my 51st nameday" but then SHE TOSSES IT OVER HER SHOULDER INTO THE SEA LMAOOOO she fucking rules



then she does the "leave us" meme to her other granddaughters telling them the one who gets her the best necklace from a jewler gets to keep the second best and they rush off giggling and Lady Tyrell seems to want to get the wedding perfect, not for her own vanity but probably because she wants the best optics on her family, but Marg doesn't care for pageantry and reveals her real feelings on her weeding "perhaps I should let Joffrey choose it for me, end up with a string of dead sparrow heads around my neck" this is why all the King's Landing characters are well written, they're all shitheads but different kinds of shitheads, so even someone as obviously dishonest and manipulative as Marg, you can see her point of view, and you probably wouldn't want to marry a manchild sociopath either, when in most fucking retarded media especially fantasy settings le bad guys are all on the same team and are fine with each other somehow, and granny warns her "you watch that, even here, even with me" as she knows there's ears everywhere and then Brie! approaches and when Lady Tyrell turns around she's like "MY WORD!" as she sees the absolute unit that is Brie



wearing a very fashionable shirt and tunic combo that suits her very well and she goes to introduce herself but granny says "we've heard all about you, but hearing is one thing!" and Brie steels herself ready to hear yet someone else talk about her body like she's a freak but granny loves it and says "aren't you just marvellous! absolutely singular!" as she very much appreciates a fellow woman being able to just cut to the chase and be physically powerful rather than having to use their sexuality like young women and their wiles like older women and Brie's eyes light up as she sees she actually respects her for her size as granny keeps gushing "I heard you knocked my granson into the dirt like the silly little boy he is!" and Brie tries to stifle a smile and just asks Marg for her time and granny gets a smile at how Brie's strong in personality too and tells her grandaughter "you dare not refuse!" shame Brie only got to spend like one fucking week with Cat wonder what she'll do with herself now, surprised they're letting her stay in KL, but she needs to discuss a certain "shadow" thing with Marg "with the face of Stannis Baratheon" she swears "he plunged his sword into Renly's heart and disappeared, I swear one day I'll avenge our King" but Marg instantly throws her late husband under the bus "Joffrey is our king now" taking her grandmothers words to heart already, but Marg still smiles to her and takes her by the hand as they pass by a statue of Joffrey looking badass holding his crossbow standing over the body of a slain wolf to commemorate his victory of the Starks and to make it seem like he had anything to do with it, a nice detail showing the sort of ye olde Fake News™ going around, also perhaps Brie will end up working for the Tyrells since she seems to think she has a connection with Marg even though she doesn't seem to care about revenge on Stannis at all since her family don't seem that bad at all



then there's some kino where we cut to Joffrey in the same pose as if we're immediately seeing the man behind the myths and behind him is Jaime doing what he loves, other than fucking his sister, and planning out the security for Joffrey's wedding, who isn't listening to him at all but is ogling the swords he has hanging up, as he's caught a taste for killing if not exactly the fair combat his uncle is into, and just goes "yes yes, one guard at the... thing, go on" not wanting to put any work into anything in his entire life, just like me! and it seems like Joffrey's personal guard is rustled Jaime is taking over from him but Joffrey tells him "all very good, I don't expect any trouble" since he's a brainlet and the butthurt guard agrees "the people love their King, they know who keeps them feed" and Jaime taunts "Margaery Tyrell I've heard" which triggers his nephew-son who starts ranting "they know I saved the city, I won the war!" but Jaime reminds him Stannis still loves, and Jaime claims to have broke him on the Blackwater, and whines about him not being there just like his mother, doing the same thing she does, repeat things her parent tells her, and Jaime calmly says "I was rather busy" but Joffrey has no respect for anyone and only has fear for his grandfather and mutters "busy getting captured" lmao LITERALLY DONALD TRUMP MAKING FUN OF PRISONERS OF WAR FROM HIS OWN SIDE HAHAHAH and Joffrey can't keep his zoomer attention span on anything for too long and starts thumbing through a book about the history of the Kingsguard pointing out his favorite violent and praised stories and then he throws shade at his uncle by turning to the page about him, that still has blank ones since he's still alive and he taunts "oh, someone forgot to write down your great deeds?" and Jaime assures him and himself "there's still time" and Joffrey rubs it in "is there? for a 40 year old knight with one hand? how can you protect me with that?" and Jaime looks shocked like he's both right and he can't talk shit to someone for once since he's King so just smiles and says "I use my left hand now Your Grace, makes for more of a contest" and Joffrey scoffs but smiles at him as if he likes that he just let him insult him to his face but as they leave Jaime looks insecure at his tiny entry in the book and closes it not wanting to think about how that'll be all anyone ever remembers of him and that's the fucking best case scenario if no one writes down that he fucks his sister lmao



then with Dany she's talking to Missy about going to Meereen where "a thousand slaves died building the Great Pyramid of Meereen" I read recently that the real life great pyramids probably weren't built by slaves but by workers who lived freely in towns surrounding it and people just assumed they were slave labor since literally and unironically the jews lied about being enslaved by the egyptians, when there's no historical evidence they were ever there until like 2000 fucking years later, r-remember the thousands who died building the pyramids goyim! and Dany celebrates "and now an army of former slaves is marching to her gates!" and Daario turns up acting completely differently from his previous actor lmao and does the "leave us" meme to Missy as Dany smugly allows him alone time with him, and he cringily provides her with a rose, lmao, he changed actors and became a fucking beta orbiter instead of a hedonistic Chad and she's so turned off by his new Nice Guy™ ways that she threatens to have him walk at the end of the caravan rathar than ride and when she doesn't shut up she adds "or without shoes?"



and he starts blathering on about how this is apart of Meereen culture and how she needs to know a people if she expects them to follow her and she seems more impressed as he starts showing her more flowers and explaining their significance, I mean this makes sense just not in the Mary Sue bubble Dany lives in where she knows absolutely nothing about the Unsullied or the Second Sons or the Yunkai but have them all following her, only culture she learned about were the Dothraki and only because she had to, and as he offers her the flowers she smirks "you are a gambler aren't you?" and takes them from him and stands there thinking if she's ready to accept another man yet but is interrupted by the massive train of 8K Unsullied stopping so she goes to the front of them to find... THE CORPSE OF A LITTLE GIRL STRUNG UP TO BE POINTING THE WAY AS A ROAD SIGN EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 63 and Jorah says "there's one on every mile market between here and Meereen" pretty sure an exposed corpse like that in this weather would be rotten away and eaten down to the bone by animals but ok dude and Dany asks "how many miles are there between here and Meereen?" and he regretfully says "163, Your Grace" oof, the edge, and Barry suggests to have their men ride ahead to bury them so she doesn't have to see, but she says "you will do no such thing, I will see each and every one of their faces, remove her collar before you bury her" knowing she needs to remind herself of her purpose



then we see Brie and Jaime overlooking the depressed Sansa and his new friend reminds him "you made a promise" but he handwaves, well heh, not literally "to return the Stark girls to their mother, who is now dead" but Brie inists "to keep them safe" and Jaime, already falling back into his old ways from being around his shithead father, sister and nephew-son reasons that Arya is probably dead which has a certain safety to it "and Sansa Stark is now Sansa Lannister, bit of a complication" but Brie takes warriors vows very seriously and Jaime just whines "what do you want me to do? kidnap my sister-in-law? and take her where? where would she be safer than here?" and Brie just stands up and says "look me in the eye and tell me she'll be safe in King's Landing" and Jaime can't do it since he knows shes right and as Brie keeps just maddogging him daring him to stare at him he turns and deadpans at her ability to emotionally strongarm him "are you sure we're not related?" which coming from Jaime could either be the biggest insult or the strongest come-on lmao and calls her a miserable pain in the arse like every Lannister and she just keeps staring at him so he quips "you've got the hair for it, if not the looks" and struts off trying not to let her get to him



but as Brie leaves... uh oh... a figure walks by having probably been spying on them, and as Sansa walks back up from staring out to sea edgily she hears someone walking around her, but there's no one there, so she rushes up the path trying to get back to the city but she sees a figure coming after her and then finds herself in a dead end and behind her comes.... some random fat drunk guy? uh oh, I mean maybe better than Oberyn, but it might still be bitch raping time, inb4 he shows up and kills him saving her, and he starts spilling his problems about how he used to be a knight but now he's a fool, oh I think this is the guy that Joffrey almost killed in the season 2 opening, but Sansa doesn't even recognize him, and I guess he came to her thinking she'd still have sympathy for him since she's the one who had him spared, and she finally places him and apologizes, and he gives her his thanks for saving him, and she calms down seeing he respects her, and she gives him... aww... his mothers and grandmothers necklace, which is the last of his family's history and the last of his belongings, and he asks her to "wear it and let my family have one more moment in the sun before it disappears from the world" which would be sweet if it didn't sound like he was planning to neck himself, and he smiles as she accepts "I'll wear it with pride Ser Doras", inb4 Oberyn shows up and knives him anyway

then we find The Hound and Arya riding through what looks like a cart that was ambushed and it's owners left dead by the roadside and Arya starts whining for a horse of her own to get away from The Hound's stench, but he wouldn't let the only thing of value he has left ride away, and she taunts him for not stealing anything from Joffrey before he left, but The Hound claims he's not a thief and Arya calls him out for "murdering little boys but not stealing" and he just grumbles "mans gotta have a code" probably just because his brother takes whatever he wants and he doesn't want to end up like him, and The Hound reveals his plan is to take Arya to her (rich) Aunt Lysa but then later they're spying on a homestead as Arya complains about them being hungry but The Hound says "five horses five men, more than I feel like killing on an empty stomach" I guess they figure it's soldiers staying there, maybe even the men who knocked over that cart, and one of the men swaggers out doing that constant grimace that evil NPCs do in shows like this to let you know they're a bad lower class person, and Arya says in a creepy monotone "I know him, the small one, his name is Polliver, he captured us and took us to Harrenhall, he killed Lommy, he was my friend, Polliver stole my sword and put it right through his neck" with a smile as she already knows she can sick The Hound on her at her leisure, and as the man takes a piss she looks down at his crotch to see his... other phallus, and says "he still has it, my sword: Needle" wow nice shitty little girls sword you've kept for 2 years retard and The Hound grumbles "needle? of course you named your sword" and Arya defends "lots of people name their swords" and The Hound growls "lots of CUNTS" lmaooooooooo but next thing he knows Arya is arrogantly walking down there as if she thinks this is just a video game she can win by kiting her escort AI into all the mobs to go get her sword back and The Hound grabs her and says "I don't care if he ATE your friend we're not going in there" but was speaking a bit too loudly as the door opens and a Lannister soldier bricks it to find him right in front of him and backs the fuck up and The Hound walks in the house as he hears... A WOMAN BEING SEXUALLY ASSAULTED and all five men look up at this big tall prick towering over them



and Arya comes in and closes the door to increase the chances of him having to kill them all rather than just grab her and run, and the men seem to know who he is and maybe just assume he's still working for their side, and I guess this is some Inn or something as they sit down at another table and Arya emotionlessly watches the men she's already decided to get killed tossing this poor woman around groping her, and ah yes, the Inn keeper is begging their leader "please, she's a good girl" but he tells him "shut your mouth and pour us more ale and we may not take her with us when we're done with her" as his mates touch up his daughter, and he looks over at our heroes table and says "I know you! you're... The Hound!" and Arya takes her hand off his sword as she's more ready to kill these guys than he is who so far is pretending to just be another visitor, and he demands another drink for his friend and starts lamenting to who he thinks is a fellow Lannister soldier "Stannis defeated at Blackwater, Robb Stark killed at the Twins, and where am I for all of it? stuck with your brother! meaning no offence" and The Hound grumbles "none taken" as he downs his drink and the man keeps ranting "he's good, the Mountain is, best at what he does, but... torture! torture! torture! torture! you spend so much time putting a hammer to people you start to feel like a carpenter making chairs, drains the fun right out of it" which is probably a good point, if you enjoyed torture you might not want to over do it since you might get desensitised to it like if you enjoyed whoring or drugs or something but had the self control to restrain yourself, but I guess The Mountain was always desensitised and it never meant anything to him "and whats life without a little fun, heheheh... but I don't need to tell you that do I?" as he looks at Arya thinking he's taking this 12 year old girl around with him to molest



and The Hound looks at Arya knowing she understands the situation and says "she's alright, had better" and the soldier laughs and suggests "you know what? you should come with us, his kind, they've always got something hidden away somewhere, gold silver, more daughters, always something if you know how to make him talk, and there's plenty of him between here and King's Landing, you could do well for yourself, we certainly have been!" which is some extremely realism since for some odd reason if you tell men not only is it actually a good thing to kill people but they have to do it they don't always keep it to the other men told the same bullshit and all throughout history shit like this has happened where soldiers just go off the chain and start raping and pillaging even if they're not ordered to do so all the way back in ancient times until the modern day, I seem to recall the fourth crusades ending with the crusaders just becoming extortionists and threatening christian cities with sacking if they didn't pay up they'd gotten so used to doing that to muslims lmao, [b]but for some fucking reason brainlet civilians think war is some honerable pursuit (until a soldier's burning their house down for fun of course)[/b] and The Hound turns him down but the man goes "think about it, we could do whatever we like, wherever we go! these are the King's colors, no one's standing in his way now, which means no one is standing in ours" but The Hound can't take it anymore, having put up with pieces of shit like this all his life, and barely cares about living anyway, and tells him "FUCK THE KING" and the entire Inn goes silent and Arya smiles to herself that her master plan is working and maybe he's got some good in him too, even if it expresses itself in bloodlust, as he casually finishes his drink, and the soldier admits "when I heard that Joffrey's dog had tucked tail and run from the Battle of the Blackwater I didn't believe it, but here you are-" and The Hound cuts in "here I am, bring me one of those chickens" ok this is going a bit too stereotypical "badass anti-hero slaughters rapists after tense build-up" and we've already had like two scenes like that from him so I'm guessing this is the rule of three meme and he's actually going to get his fucking ass beat here and it'll be his fault when the men kill the civvies or some such edge since it's getting near the episode and it's time for something grim and realistic to happen, and the soldier just laughs when he asks if they paid for it and said "we're the King's men" and The Hound pushes him saying he hasn't got "not a penny, but I'll still take that chicken" clearly just aggravating the man as he's already looting the place and the man, whats his name, is this uhhh Polliver? says "how about a trade? one of our little chickens for one of yours" and ogles Arya, inb4 the edge is The Hound agrees and walks out lmao, and he laughs to his mates "give us a go on your friend, Lowell here likes them a bit broken in" as they chuckle about him going last in the gangrapes I guess and The Hound just sits there grinding his teeth and says "you're a talker, listening to talkers makes me thirsty" and sloooooowly takes his own drink off of him and slooooooowly drinks it in front of him and he adds "and hungry, think I'll take two chickens" and Polliver looks back at his four friends to make sure they're ready to go and says "you don't seem to understand the situation" thinking they can take him and The Hound tells him "I understand that if any more words come pouring out of your CUNT mouth I'm gonna have to eat every fucking chicken in this room" uhhhhh odd threat that sounds like you're saying you'll suck them all off, sounds like something Timbo would say tbh and Polliver asks "you lived your life for the King, you're gonna die for some chickens?" and The Hound stares at him and says ".....someone is....."



and there's an excruciating silence as they just stare at each other in silence with The Hound just waiting for him and POLLIVER DRAWS HIS SWORD BUT THE HOUND JUST THROWS THE ENTIRE TABLE AT HIM, BLOCKS A MANS SWORD SWING WITH HIS OWN AND PUNCHES HIM AWAY, BLACKS A THIRD MANS SWORD AND SLASHES HIS SPINAL CORD APART SENDING HIM CRUMPLING IN A HEAP TO THE FLOOR



BLOCKS THE FOURTH MANS ATTACKS BEFORE SHOVING HIM AWAY AS THE LAST MAN CHARGE AT HIM FOR THE HOUND TO SIMPLY PUNCH SO HARD IN THE FACE BLOOD SPRAYS OUT, AND ONE OF THE OTHERS HAS A GO FOR THE HOUND TO EFFORTLESSLY PARRY AND PUNCH IN THE FACE SPRAYING BLOOD EVERYWHERE TOO, AND HE PARRIES ANOTHER AS ANOTHER KICKS HIM DOWN FROM BEHIND AND STARTS KICKING HIS ASS LITERALLY AND GRABS HIS FALLEN SWORD AND ATTACKS THE HOUND AT THE SAME TIME AS HIS FRIEND RUSHES IN WITH HIS OWN BLADE BUT THE HOUND BLOCKS BOTH AT THE SAME TIME



KICKS ONE AWAY AND KEEPS DEFLECTING THE BLOWS RAINING DOWN ON HIM FROM THE OTHER WHO KICKS HIS SWORD AWAY SO THE HOUND JUST KICKS HIS FEET OUT FROM UNDER HIM AND ONE OF THE MEN SCURRIES TOWARDS A SWORD ON THE GROUND BUT THE HOUNDS FOOT THUMPS DOWN ON IT AND WHEN HE LOOKS UP HE PUNCHES HIM SO HARD HIS FUCKING NECK BREAKS



AND HE PUNCHES ANOTHER MAN IN THE STOMACH AND THROWS HIM THROUGH A BANNISTER AND TWO OF THEM RUSH HIM WITH THEIR SWORDS BUT THE HOUND JUST GRABS ONE OF THEIR ARMS AND RAMS HIS SWORD UP HIS FRIENDS CROTCH! OH FUCK! WHO STUMBLES AWAY SCREAMING IN AGONY AS BLOOD DROPS OUT OF HIM



AND HIS FRIEND DIVES ON TOP OF THE HOUND HOLDING A KNIFE TO HIS THROAT BUT THE HOUND HOLDS HIM BACK WITH HIS HAND CRAWLING OVER HIS FACE AND MANAGES TO FORCE THE MANS KNIFEHAND AWAY BUT THE MAN STRUGGLES TO KEEP IT AT ARMS LENGTH AS HARD AS HE CAN SO HE CAN'T FORCE IT INTO HIM SO THE HOUND SIMPLE GRIPS HIS ENTIRE HEAD IN HIS MASSIVE HAND AND SLAMS THE MANS FACE DOWN ONTO THE KNIFEPOINT BLINDING HIM AS HE SQUEALS IN AGONY aaaaaaaaa that hurts to look at



and he casually lets the defeated man drop down as he steps up but Arya sees the guy he threw through the banister going for his sword so she grabs a pot and smashes it over his head and picks up the sword and ARYA STRUGGLES TO PUSH THE SWORD INTO THE MANS CHEST OH SHIT ITS REAL NIGGA HOURS



AND SHE MARCHES UP BEHIND POLLIVER WHO'S THE LAST MAN STANDING AND DOWNS HIM WITH A STAB TO THE SPINE aaaaah there's the edge I was waiting for and with an enchanted look on her face carefully takes her sword from out his belt as he thumps down onto the floor and as The Hound gradually goes around killing all the men he disabled by running his sword through their chests Arya taunts Polliver in a creepy monotone "something wrong with your leg boy?" and he stupidly goes "wh-what do you mean?" as she repeats his words back to him that he said to poor Lommy "can you walk? I've got to carry you?" and the man looks up confused "carry me?" as she switches to his words to her "fine little blade..." and puts it to his throat and says "maybe I'll pick my teeth with it" and the split second he finally recognizes her ARYA INSERTS HER SWORD INTO HIS THROAT JUST LIKE HE DID TO HER FRIEND LIVE BY THE EDGE DIE BY THE EDGE MOTHERFUCKER



AND SHE GETS A EUPHORIC SMILE AS SHE WATCHES HIM DROWN IN HIS OWN BLOOD EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 64



and the special effects for it exiting the back of his head were so well done I actually flinched and she stands there looking down at him super satisfied as he drowns to death in his own blood like he did to Lommy and then we cut to The Hound casually eating the chicken that presumably the Inn keeper happily gave him as a reward... and for him to leave, and behind him on Arya, who's already gotten herself one of their horses, and they ride off into the country.... that has huge smokey fires billowing out of it, implying that there's plenty more scum like those men out there for these two to chop their way through, I like this Arya storyline, "le deadly badass young teen" is usually ultra obnoxious but it's been fairly grounded so far which her using sneak attacks and manipulating grown men into killing her targets so far and I think they've earned Arya starting to become a Real Nigga, as in she was already a tomboy who wanted to be a soldier, but then she sees her own father getting beheaded, her friends killed, people tortured in front of her, gets a crash course in how to pokerface from being Tywin's servant and has been around like three badass soldier guys before The Hound who's a fun person to pair with him since huge killing machine brute with little girl is a funny juxtaposition but they've got more in common than you'd think and they both develop each other in interesting ways, with Arya drawing some of the goodness out of The Hound and Arya learning to be more of a Real Nigga from him despite him not bothering to try to mentor her as she has a natural aptitude for her, but it's still pretty fucked up since she clearly enjoys killing, if only she was older and hotter so I could fap to her since I'm not a pedo or into quasimodo, my only complaint is that while storylines that are along the lines of "look how messed up this kid is, imagine what they'll be like as an adult!" are usually let-downs since you rarely ever actually do get to see them as older since that would require recasting them and timeskipping the setting, but I seem to recall some real dumb shit with Arya happening in the future so oh well





Game of Thrones 4x02: "The Lion and the Rose"
The War of the Five Manlets special edition
First aired: April 13, 2014

ok so this episode doesn't open with the opening credits but on a forest with a pack of rottweilers or whatever running through it and Ramsey and Myranda are calling after them "tansy" lol thought they were saying "tanty" at first lisaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and it seems like Ramsey and Myranda are on a hunting trip together, skipping through the undergrowth giggling and laughing in exitement and holding hands, awwww, and then... poor Theon... no Reek... comes limping after them, at this stage far scared to try to do a runner again, but... oh... Tansy isn't the name of a dog... TANSY IS THE NAME OF THE GIRL THEY'RE HUNTING EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 65 and if you think this is too edgy to be real well let me namedrop Alaskan serial killer Robert Hansen who used to abduct women and let them go in the wilderness so he could track and kill them with his mini-14 hunting rifle



and this poor woman is running through the woods in a dress as Ramsey yells after her "if you make it out of the woods, you win!" although we know with him that doesn't mean much and the girl screams in fear as Myranda shoots an arrow at her and she dives into a river and scrambles to hide trying to keep herself quiet as she hears them calling for her but then the dogs suddenly come racing at her and she takes off into the woods again but MYRANDA PUTS AN ARROW THROUGH HER LEG and these huge, let me look this up, Italian Mastiffs, surround her and Ramsey runs up all excited telling them "good girls! down! dooown!" and he Myranda whines that she didn't kill her, but Ramsey says she took her down which is all that matters, and then demands "a fine shot, wasn't it Reek?" and poor Reek stutters "a f-fine shot master m-my lady!" and Tansy begs for mercy and Myranda aims at her and says "shes pretty... let me put one through her face!"



but he says "we need to reward the hounds, they did all the hard work" I guess showing an aptitude for training animals which he maybe moved onto doing with humans and the victim begs "why? I did whatever you want?" and Ramsey over-dramatically says "yes but you made Myranda feel jealous" and she immediately whines "me? jealous of her?" as if he's just joking but she's serious and lightens up only when she realizes he's memeing as he goes "you can see your presence has become a bit of a problem!" pretending to be awkward and he starts creaming "RIP HER! RIP HER! RIP HER" AS THE MASTIFFS TEAR HER APART AND SHE DIES SCREAMING IN AGONY as Reek just stares off with his eyes barely focusing twitching and hmming to himself as if he knows he could be next at any second, the actor's done a really good job of seeming extremely traumatised and mentally ill in the way people get when their brains are fried from stress and the make-up to make him look like complete shit is good too, also ummmmmmmm so it seems Myranda is more than just some whore Ramsey paid to le ebin ruse Theon (when I first thought that scene I thought the plan was to get him hard specifically saw Ramsey could cut his dick off when it was erect so he could eat it in front of him or something lmao but I guess it was just to make him even more paranoid of trying to get help from others and agonize him that he couldn't even get laid one last time) but it seems like she's quite the evil cunt herself, I'll be keeping my eye (on my dick) on her, although I'm sure Ramsey doesn't actually care about her and she's just someone amusing to "play" with, I thought maybe the blonde girl with the other cag but it seems not



then as if to make us think of Theon's, sorry Reek's, predicament we cut to Podrick serving Tyrion some sausages as he memes at his brother about how his new hand is nicer than the old one and Pod asks "is it solid gold?" but Tyrion explains "gilded steel" as Jaime glares at Pod like he's lucky he's had some character development or he'd have thrown him out a window before and Tyrion laments how Jaime isn't eating just like his starving wife and taunts him "you lost a hand, not a stomach" and Jaime just smiles as if he missed Tyrion's banter and maybe appreciates him more now since he's less of a cunt than his sister and father and Tyrion memes "try the boar, Cersei can't get enough of it since one killed Robert for her" which made me think if she personally poisoned his wine since Lancel got cucked pretty hard by Tyrion and he's probably smart enough to make him spill any beans about that situation and Tyrion memes again "to the Lannister children, the dwarf, the cripple and the Mother of Madness" and Jaime grins but leans over to take some food and spills his drink and confidently tells Podrick the "leave us" meme as he's insistent he learn how to do everything himself as he starts cleaning up and Tyrion cheers him up by pouring his own glass onto the table and saying "it's only wine!" and pours him another glass and Jaime quietly confides in his brother, trying to be emotionally vulnerable for the first time with him, "I can't fight anymore, I can hold a sword, but all my instincts are wrong, how can I protect the King when I can hardly wipe my own arse?" and Tyrion just says "you're the Lord Commander now, Command, let others do the fighting" I guess that's Bronn out of a job then and asks "when was the last time father held a sword?" but Jaime says "I'm not father, I'm the Kingslayer, and when people find out I can't slay a pigeon..." lmao and complains how he can't even train since they'd just go gossip about him and Tyrion says "you need a proper, discrete swordsman, as it happens I know just the one" oh god it's gonna be Bronn isn't it

and yep, we cut to Bronn bringing some training equipment down the stairs to a dock Jaime is waiting on and he says "my brother tells me you can keep your mouth shut? unusual talent for a sellsword" and oh boy what's his witty comeback going to be "he tells me you shit gold just like your father!" right great thanks Bronn so Jaime tosses him his purse and asks "this place safe?" and Bronn just says "there's this knight, Leygood, got thunderbolts on his shield? right here is where I fuck his wife! she's a screamer that one, if they don't hear her they won't hear us" hehehe sounds like she Leygood too and Bronn insists they use training swords and Jaime moans "havn't used a blunt sword since I was nine" but when he goes to pick it up he slaps his hand with his lmao and Jaime insults "bold warrior you are, attacking a man when his guard's down" and quickly grabs the sword so he can't do it again and starts sparring with him and Jaime manages to keep up but Bronn just shoves him away with his other hand making him grumble "if I still had my other hand..." and Bronn memes "planning on growing it back?" and they spar again this time with Bronn charging into Jaime and almost sending him falling off the dock and he gets rustled looking but remembers not to be a shithead and controls himself and growls "come on then" and goes on the attack managing to push Bronn back for once... only to have him push him away again, but he's improving just a little



then we see I think the exterior of the Bolton castle for the first time as Roose and Lock and their men arrive back home with Ramsey waiting for them and he stands there impatiently as if he feels entitled to his fathers immediately attention and Roose casually walks over barely even looking him in the eye and introduces his very overweight new wife that I guess he wasn't joking about as "Walda, this is Ramsey Snow, my bastard" and Ramsey gives her a huge manic fake as fuck grin and kisses her on the cheek saying "hello mother" and since we saw he can act normal when he wants to he's probably acting weird on purpose to get attention from his father but the fat woman doesn't seem bothered and actually seems faltered by a young man her own age kissing her lmao and when Roose sends them away he asks his son "where's your price?" as if he clearly has no problem with barbarism when it suits his ends he can tell there's something fucking wrong with his son to do this shit recreationally, but I guess Ramsey was born into the perfect house since their culture is based around fucking flaying people alive lmao and Ramsey smiles proudly "with the hounds" and Roose leaves saying "I'll take a look at him" like he still doesn't have any sympathy for ol Reek and when Ramsey sees Locke he gets a huge grin and shakes his hand saying "I hear you took a hand from the Kingslayer!" who tells him "oh word travels, how he screamed, you would have loved it!" much to Ramseys amusement



then we see Roose sitting in a chair waiting to get shaved by it seems Locke when Ramsey turns up with the meek Reek and Roose looks up surprised that he's just letting their captive walk around but then he clocks... why, that he's completely docile, and he walks up to Reek and asks "what did you do to him?" as if he thinks he's got brain damage or something from how Reek is twitching erratically and staring off at the floor terrified to look anyone in the eyes and Ramsey sneers at him "I trained him, he was a slow learner, but he learned" and Roose figures "you flayed him" and Ramsey shrugs "peeled a few bitssss, removed a few others" and looks around mischievously and Roose gets the implication and reminds him "this was Balon Greyjoy's son and heir" and Ramsey excuses "we've been flaying our enemies for 1000 years, the flayed man is on our banners!" and Roose just says blankly "on my banners, you're not a Bolton, you're a Snow" and Ramsey pretends to understand but as soon as his father walks away looks like he's about to fucking scream and Roose says "Tywin Lannister has given me the North but he wont lift a finger to help me take it, as long as the ironborn hold Moat Cailin our armies are trapped south of the Neck, Theon was your valuable hostage not your plaything, I wanted to trade him for Moat Cailin" and Ramsey mumbles "I already asked, Lord Greyjoy refused... savages have no-" but Roose cuts off his bullshit and asks "you sent terms to Balon Greyjoy without my consent?" but that word ain't in Ramsey's vocabulary and insists "you made me acting Lord of the Dreadfort! I acted" and Roose inhales sharply and marches up to his bastard son and tells him "I had to smuggle myself into my own lands thanks to the Greyjoys... I needed Theon... I needed him whole" whispering as if trying to explain to a child and Ramsey cheekily says "Theon was our enemy... but Reek... Reek will never betray us" and Roose can't believe this fucking maniac and says "I placed far too much trust in you" again good writing where all bad people don't unanimously support each other, Roose might be a backstabbing traitor torturing war criminal but he doesn't respect his son since he clearly puts his sadism before his duties to maintaining political power and in turn Ramsey thinks his father is unreasonable since he's simply winning the Bolton game of being the most terrifying person in the game and he looks like he's about to do a school shooting but comes up with an idea and says "Reek, how could you let me stand before my father unshaven? its disrespectful" and Reek looks fucking terrified Ramsey is addressing him and mumbles with a raggedy voice as if it's gone horse from so much screaming "sorry m'lord" and Ramsey orders Locke "give him the razor" and starts bathing his face and sitting in the shaving chair and Roose looks at him like he's truly insane



but he just snarls "I'm not a Bolton, father, what does it matter?" so Roose just nods to Locke to let Reek take the blade and without even thinking about it Reek starts shaving Ramsey as he says "go on... a nice... close shave" and Roose stares on in confusion as Reek carefully shaves his master, no, his owner, and as if to demonstrate his total control even further he asks "Reek... tell father where are Bran and Rickon Stark?" and the completely cowtowed Reek admits "I don't know my lord" and Roose says even more confused "you murdered them and displayed their corpses at Winterfell" and Ramsey asks like he's talking to a chatbot "Reek, did you murder the Stark boys?" and Reek whimpers "no my lord, two farm boys" "and crisped them so no one would know?" "yes my lord" and Roose looks on disturbed for maybe the first time in his life as his own son reveals how utterly he's broken this man that he'd unthinkingly betray his house, himself and the little boys he grew up with as brothers and Locke looks around confused like this is the most surreal thing he's ever seen and he just saw a giant woman and a one-handed prince fight a bear



and Ramsey drones dispassionately as if he doesn't give a fuck about politics as long as he gets what he wants in his own life "the Starks have always ruled the North... if Bran and Rickon are still alive the country will rally by their side now that Robb Stark is gone" and... Reek freezes up... with the razor blade against Ramsey's chin... and Ramsey goes "oh, that's right Reek... Robb Stark is dead... sorry... I know he was like a brother to you but my father put a knife through his heart"



and Reek stands there not shaking for once as if a little bit of Theon is trying to form himself and Ramsey asks "how do you feel about that?" and Roose looks on curiously to see if his son gets his fucking neck cut open or not as Reek starts whimpering... but whatever part of Theon is left probably knows even if he kills him his father will just flay him alive, so keeps shaving him without a word and Roose snaps out of his disgust and orders Locke "you in the mood for a hunt? find those boys and I'll give you 1,000 acres and a holdfast" and Locke asks Ramsey "your pet rat have any thoughts of which way they went after Winterfell?" and he just needs to look up at Reek for him to pathetically, but seeming to still need to force himself this time, to grass up "Jon Snow was at Castle Black" and Locke asks "who the fucks Jon Snow?" lmao and Roose, who looked like he had 1% compassion for Reek for giving up his family, something that's important to him, just because his owner looked at him, explains "their bastard brother, he could be sheltering them, he may know where they are" and the clean shaven Ramsey struts up and says "even if he's not, he's half Stark himself... could be a threat..." so his father says "want to prove yourself a Botlon? gather whatever men you can and ride for Moat Cailin, bring this creature of yours, maybe he'll be of some use, take the Moat for our family, for our family, and I'll reconsider your position" and Reek just completely disconnects hanging his head like he's in stand-by mode not being able to have a coherent thought of his own and glad of it as Ramsey gets a happy smile on his creepy ass school shooter face



then in the King's Landing gardens Varys is meeting with Tyrion and they make smalltalk but as soon as Podrick is out of earshot Varys immediately warns Tyrion that Sansa's maid grassed up Shae to Cersei and Tyrion thinks fast and says "so I'm guilty of being seen with my wife's handmaiden? my father will ask you if there's anything more and you'll tell him some clever lie" but Varys says "no I will not, how long do you imagine your father and sister would let me live if they suspected me of lying? I have no pet sellsword to protect me, no legendary brother to avenge me, only little birds who whisper in my ears" probably genuinely scared of Tywin since he knows he'd merc him like it was nothing if he thought he was acting against him even a little but it doesn't work on Tyrion who just says "forgive me if I don't weep for you" so Varys uncharacteristically snarls "no one weeps for spiders... or whores!" as she's actually let himself be emotionally invested in Tyrion, or at least wants him to think so, and tries to get Shae to just leave again but he explains how she wont so Varys just whispers angrily "your father threatened to hang the next whore you were caught with, have you ever known your father to make an idle threat?" and he gives a bow and runs off

then in the gardens some fat bald guy is presenting Joffrey with a "wedding cup" from his house and it's oh, it's Margaery's father, who does look like a useless twat, and Joffrey, sitting with the whole fucked up Lannister family, plays nice and asks if he should call him father, awww, but then Cersei spots Shae cagging around and doxxes her to Tywin who says "have her brought to the Tower of the Hand before the wedding" with an evil look on his face oh god and Cersei goes "mmhh" all pleased with herself and then it's Tyrion's turn to present his gift, a book about the history of four kings that I guess were some Targarians, and Joffrey looks offended like he assumes it's Tyrion saying he's a shit king and needs to study proper kings or something but Tywin looks at him and Joffrey manages to control himself and tell his uncle "now that the war is won, we should all find time for wisdom, thank you uncle" quite convincingly and Tyrion stares at him knowing Joffrey managing to play nice even with him means something fucking weirds happening, presuming maybe he's heard about his sister and grandfather being onto Shae and is pleased that his uncle will be getting fucked over soon, and Sansa eyes the two of them confused as Tyrion pows to his nephew, and then a helmeted Kingsguardsman provides Joffrey with Tywin's gift, the second Valyrian steel sword he had smelted, which Joffrey loves, and he rushes around to unsheathe it with a big siiiiiiiing much to the wonder of everyone around him, and he starts swishing it in the air like a dumbass kid playing with a toy and Pycelle tries to jokingly say "careful your grace, nothing cuts like Valyrian steel" and JOFFREY USES HIS NEW SWORD TO CHOP APART TYRION'S BOOK LMAO!!! FUCK BOOKS!!! not even being able to play nice with his uncle for a full minute with his new father in law backing the fuck up as he almost cuts him too roflll and he asks his guests that are eating in the garden to name his sword and brave men call out "stormbringer!" "terminus!" sorry that's copyrighted by The Walking Dead "widow's wail!" "wolfsbane" and Joffrey decides "Widow's Wail, I like that.... every time I use it it'll be like cutting off Ned Stark's head all over again!" as he puts it back and Tyrion awkwardly looks at Sansa who remembers her reason to live... to kill that cunt



then later that day Tyrion is looking out the window as the wind ruffles the blinds in the same way it did before Stannis' invasion and then Shae turns up looking to get pumped again and Tyrion starts acting weird telling her "our friendship can't continue" and tells her it's time for her to leave as "I'm a married man, I need to uphold my vows" and Shae can tell what he's trying to do and calls him out but compassionitely "you're afraid, you're afraid of your father and sister, you're going to run from them all your life? we will fight them together, it's like you said, I am yours and you are mine" which I guess is a common saying but Tyrion knows this aint no fucking fairytail and she'll be dead by the end of the week if he doesn't dump her so yells "YOU'RE A WHORE! Sansa is fit to bear my children and you are not! I can't be in love with a whore! I can't have children with a whore!" and he grits his teeth as he forces himself to emotionally abuse the love of his life "how many men have you been with? 500? 5000?" but he cant even look at her in anger and Shae just composes herself and asks back "how many whores have you been with?" and Tyrion says "I have enjoyed my time when them and you most of all but now that time is over" and struggles to keep himself standing in front of her like he wants to just run out the room and when she breaks down crying knowing this is for real he goes and opens the door to let Bronn in and promises she'll have a comfortable life in Pentos and when Bronn puts his hand on her shoulder she slaps him and storms off and there's an extremely scary cut where Tyrion slaps a bowl of prunes over in anger and we smash cut to

a woman screaming as a flaming torch is put to a bundle of, well, faggots, as the Red Lady gives some speech about giving tokens to Allah, uhhh uh oooh there's people tied to stakes and one man on the stake screams "sire! I served you well?" as Stannis looks on barely reacting as he's already seen it all before and the Red Lady just needed to flip the moral switch in him for him to get onboard since he was already emotionally hardened and the man screams down "Selyse! you're my sister!" to Stannis wife, jesus christ THEY'RE BURNING STANNIS BROTHER-IN-LAW ALIVE! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 66



but her and all his other men are praying as the fire spreads up and engulfs the victims who die screaming in agony and his wife just gasps in wonder and says "did you see? their souls, did you see their souls? our lord took them, did you see?" looking up at the smoke billowing out and Stannis just walks away and Davos, in a story role that's officially fucking riduculous, chides Stannis for IMMOLATING HIS WIFE'S BROTHER just because the Red Lady told him to, yeah uhhhh I think perhaps he is a bit beyond fucking saving at this point and I think it's a bit fucking retarded that the Red Lady would keep Davos around, maybe they need him for tactical purposes but she'd probably send him away and like threaten to kill his wife if he tried to talk sense to Stannis ever again, this would literally be like if Hitler's war buddy was standing beside him as he threw jews in the gas chamber "you know mate circumcisions messed up but this is going a bit too far now" I think he's made up his mind, and Stannis just says "he was an infidel" PRAISE BE TO ALLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH and Davos says "he worshipped the gods of his fathers and their fathers before him, they were the gods of your fathers too" and Stannis says "I ordered him to tear down his idols, he disobeyed" oh ok then ISIStannis and Davos tries to reason with him about how many ships he brought to the cause and Stannis just says "a great deal more than you" and wanders off like he's completely under her thrall, and his wife comes up ranting to Davos about how great that was and he just humors her and then the Red Lady walks past him as if daring him to try something, this Red Lady character would be a lot more interesting if it wasn't, you know, a fucking fact her religion was real in this world, if it was ambiguous if she was a true believer or just some charlatan who knows how to brainwash even the most powerful men into her cult it'd be interesting, but now it's like, well, she really is helping his war cause, and the only mystery is if she's just using him for another end or if she really thinks he's the Chosen One, I'm sure there'll be some ebin twist in the final episode where it's actually Dany, but it's still lame that we know she's not a fraud and she really is serving an actual supernatural entity so like this madness is as reasonable as any other sacrifice of innocents for more political power and not the complete mentalist that shit like this is in real life and usually run by complete con artists



anyway then at an awkward dinner with the Stannis family he sniffs at some food on his knife and grumbles "meats off, serve fish, we're on an island" but his wife reminds him "you hate fish" and Stannis grumbles "I hate a great many thing but I suffer through them" probably meaning her so she tells a story about her starving in Storm's End "Stannis boiled me soup from books, binding glue is made from horses" not sure that's how it works but people in Haiti eat fucking mud just to stop being hungry and have something physically in their stomach so there you go and she tries to praise her husband for also catching seagulls for them and the Red Lady says hunger was all she knew was a child until the fire lord found her and his wife says "I fear for our daughters soul, she's a stubborn little beast" but that's Stannis soft spot and he corrects "she's a child" but his wife says the usual cunty wife thing "you barely know her" and calls her sinful and says Allah marked her which is why she needs the rod but based Stannis is woke to peaceful parenting and says "she is my daughter, you will not strike her" and she says "as you command" but suggests letting the Red Lady speak to her knowing that's worse but he'll let her

then that night we see her coming to visit with a burning candle and asks the princess if hearing the ceremony on the beach frightened her and this poor girl calmly says her uncle "was always kind to me" and the Red Lady says they're in a better place now, and the girl says "they screamed", and she flippantly says "women scream when they give birth, afterwards they are filled with so much joy" speaking from personal experience..... sort of.... and the girl says "afterwards they aren't ash and bone" and the Red Lady claims she was just as inquisitive as her when she was a girl, just not a princess, but the girl doesn't take kindly to flattery and adds she didn't have her lizardface either, and the Red Lady realizes she's not so easy to manipulate and tells her "but I suffered in other ways sweet girl believe me" getting rrrrrrrrrraped I assume and she starts telling her the 7 gods are bullshit, that there's only two gods, one of goodness and one of evil, oh I thought there was only one true god, but I guess this belief in inspired by certain real Dualism religions where they believed that shit which frankly makes a lot more sense than the one all good all powerful god who lets evil exist for no good reason and the Red Lady says some real edgy Gnosticism shit "there is only one hell, the one we live in now" which is dumb for extremely pampered people to say in the modern world but back then you might think actually yeah I'm about to die from dysentery at any second you're probably right



and then as if to prove her right we see a POV shot of probably a wolf stalking through the frozen tundra in what I assume is Bran Warging on his wolf... attacking a deer and killing it and seeing the blood pump out of it, and yeah, Hodor wakes Bran up from controlling his direwolf, and it looked like it was nighttime but I guess that was just the low color vision of the dog as it's morning now, and it seems like Bran is getting gaming addiction and is mad to be awoken and when they tell him he'd been gone for hours he says "I was hungry" as if he was just following the urges of the wolf's body and forgetting that that wasn't his own that was laying there still starving in the snow and the teen boy explains "your body cant live on the food Summer consumes, too much time in Summer's skin is dangerous... you're not a direwolf Bran" and Bran grumpily eats some food his sister gives him as the boy admits "must be glorious, to run, to leap, to hunt, to be whole" as he understands why Bran relishes the escape from his own body so much, not just that being a wolf is liberating, just being able to walk is, but he warns "I know it's tempting but if you're trapped in Summer for too long you'll forget what it was to be a human" and when he doesn't respond his sister pushes "you'll forget us Bran, you'll forget your mother and father, your brothers and sisters, Winterfell, you'd forget you, and if we lose you, we lose everything" but he doesn't speak, then later Hodor is dragging him through the woods when they hear Summer the white direwolf snorting and huffing as she stands by... one of those white trees with red leaves, and Bran tells Hodor to carry him there so he can talk to the fucking face in it that I assume someone carved in at some stage? but Bran touches the face and it almost seems like he fucking Wargs into the tree and gets a waking vision of an older version of the tree during summer



of the three eyed crow flying under Winterfell, of his father cleaning his sword and in the dungeon, and then a mans voice saying "look for me... beneath the tree" as he sees the birds chasing Sam and the little girl White Walker from the very first scene, the White Walker horse, the Iron Throneroom in winter from Dany's vision quest, and then we get our first glimpse of who I know from his promotional material being everywhere THE WHITE WALKER'S KING looking at Bran from beneath some ice



and then echos of Cersei saying "he saw us" and Bran falling out the window and shit gets trippy like hes smoking some DMT in Joe Rogan's flotation dank as we see... A DRAGON'S SHADOW OVER KING'S LANDING, Bran falling in a loop over and over again, the days passing over an ancient tree, until a mans voice orders NORTH and Bran takes his hand off gasping and he tells the kids "I know where we have to go"



then in KL at this huge church thing it's... someone's... wedding, and everyone is dead silent, no one daring to say shit like at Tyrion's wedding, as Marg is led down the aisle by her father to take a smiling Joffrey's arm and they come up to the priest for him to flawlessly give her his cloak of protection and the whole Lannister family looks on seriously, with Jaime and Tyrion sharing a worried look, with Sansa glaring daggers at Joffrey like she's thinking how much she'd hate to be up there and only Tommen seems even vaguely happy about it as the priest guy says their vows , wonder how many fucking nerds have gotten married in real life this way lmao, and Joffrey dramatically says to the crowd "with this kiss! I pledge my love!" and the entire main cast forces themselves to clap while looking extremely shift and suspicious, and Sansa quips to Tyrion "we have a new queen" and he just assures "better her than you", well... that went better than expected



then afterwards Tyrion joins Lady Tyrell, who it would be dank as fuck if they had a love affair or something despite both being in their 70s, and he comments "bit much wouldn't you say?" as he's not a man for pomp (unless it's his mental samurai suit on the battlefield) but Lady Tyrell says "it feels proportionate for the expected extravagance" since it's all about keeping up appearance for her, not out of any vanity or insecurity, but because she knows that'll keep her family in power to demonstrate their wealth, but Tywin declares "people who spend their money on this sort of nonsense tend not to have it for long" and Lady Tyrell, the only person alive who can talk down to Tywin, tells him "you ought to try enjoying something before you die, you might ind it suits you" lmao and just as she's getting a smile out of him her fucking idiot son waddles up and she immediately snaps "not now Mace! Lord Tywin and I are speaking" not wanting him to mess up her trying to build a dynamic with the most powerful man on the continent lmao and instantly switching back to cheeky granny mode says "anyway I don't know what you're complaining about, I'm paying my share" and Tywin finally giving in and enjoying her company teases back "shall we stick golden roses on all the meat pies to commemorate your generosity?" daring her to play the dangerous game of bantering with him and she knows just how to play along with him, he wants to hear "no, a heartfelt "thank you" is it's own reward" knowing he doesn't like anyone else mocking him back and now that she's got on his good side she sinks the claws in "I would imagine I'll be hearing it again before long, wars are expensive, (((the Iron Bank))) will have its due, how they love to remind everyone, almost as much as you Lannisters with your debts" and Tywin tries to get a word in edgeways but she just keeps going on until he can finally claim "I'm not worried about (((the Iron Bank)))" and she takes his arm and says "we both know you're smarter than that, come Tywin, let us celebrate young love" having planted that seed in his brain to get more leverage over him

then at a colourful feast there are jugglers and fire blowers and clowns on stilts entertaining the happy guests as Tyrion struts down the red carpet with Pod and Bronn by his side saying "all taken care of" but Tyrion anxiously needs to confirm she was definitely on the ship and Bronn assures "only people who know are you, me and Varys" not that comforting knowing his scheming and Bronn puts his hand on his little friends shoulder and tells him "she's gone, I know you don't want to believe it but she is, now go drink until it feels like you did the right thing" in the street smart way he has of making a loser seem poetic by admitting to the underlying motivations behind everything then there's a funny bit where Oberyn comes up and says hello, Tyrion says hello, and he just says "not you" without even looking down and keeps walking with his wife to see... an exotic belly dancer girl lmao, with based Pod gives an ogle



and then with some creepy accordion music being played we pan around Joffrey ruminating on something horrible I'm sure as Lady Tyrell speaks to Sansa who plays with her hair and gives her condolences "war is war, but killing a man at a wedding, horrid, what sort of monster would do such a thing? as if men need more reasons to fear marriage!" and Sansa gives her a 10% smile but cant help but notice the grim undertones of mentioning the Red Wedding while at a fucking wedding right now and when Tyrion arrives she starts teasing him that he mustn't be able to afford to bring her to Highgarden but he's not in the mood and just sits there drinking but Sansa smiles that this nice old lady wants her to come visit and the band start singing a creepy song about a lions claws which Joffrey cant stand so he stands up and yells "very good very good, now off you go!" and pelts them with gold coins lmao and the crowd all laugh at the band scampering to pick up the money and flee and Marg tells Joffrey "my love, why don't we make the announcement?" and he gets a naughty grin and stands up to announce "The Queen... would like to say a few words" so they all clap for her to stand up and announce that Joffrey has decreed that the leftovers of their feast be given to the poorest of the city, something I'm sure she talked him into, and everyone claps at their generosity and looks relieved that it's not something mental, and a nice relaxing song starts playing as Cersei comes up to kiss Marg and tell her "you're an example to us all" and Marg has to stand there and let the woman who threatened to kill her kiss her on the cheeks and Loras is standing about awkward knowing it's 3 weddings down 1 to go, his, when he spots... Oberyn watching him, and he can tell he's checking him out and gives him a cheeky look and is so captivated when he turns around he bumps into Jaime and he apologizes expecting this guy to gay bash him or something but Jaime's a bit more restrained now and says it's quite alright and compliments his sisters beauty which Loras returns to his, careful now, and Jaime brings up his wedding and luls him into a false sense of security by saying "our fathers are both rather keen on the prospect, maybe they should get married!" and laughs friendly with him and Loras forces a laugh as if h-heh yeah g-gay relationships f-funny stuff but as soon as Loras relaxes figuring his uh... his uh... u... uncle in law? soon to be brother in law? is being nice to him Jaime leans in and says "if you were to marry Cersei she'd murder you in your sleep, if you somehow managed to put a child in her first, she'd murder him too, long before he drew his first breath, luckily for you none of this will happen because you'll never marry her" and Loras gets the picture but he can handle himself especially against a one-handed man and knows all the rumors and just tells him "AND NEITHER WILL YOU" and pats him on the shoulder and walks off oooooooooh snaaaaaaaaap and Jaime stands there insecure about not intimidating him, probably wondering if it's because of his hand or if it's because he's lost his old malice



then he sees Brie approach the royal table to shake her friend Marg's hand and Cersei catches with a bemused laugh "did you just bow?" since that's what men do in their culture and Brie explains "I never did master the curtsy" as she's not one for dresses, which probably really fucking pisses off Cersei since she resents having to learn all the submissive pageantry bullshit of being a highborn female like curtsy and probably wishes she could just wear whatever she wants like Brie usually does and Joffrey ever the edgemaster points at her and goes "you're the one who put a sword through Renly Baratheon" and Brie doesn't say shit back since she knows he actually thinks that's a good thing and she can't exactly explain the real situation without sounding like she's lying to the King but Marg corrects him "that's not true my love, Brienne had nothing to do with it" and Joffrey smarms "shame, I'd knight the man who put an end to that deviants life" probably too dumb to realize he's insulting his new wife's brother right in front of him and not caring since it's her fucking late husband too and Brie just smiles to herself knowing she could break this little shits neck one-handed and congratulates them and wishes Joffrey a long and peaceful reign but he cuts her off "yes yes" now that they're not talking about murders anymore and Marg smiles fondly "I hope we see more of you" and Brie smiles and leaves with her face dropping having been done playing nice with them but then Cersei stops her and tells the much taller woman that she's a Lords daughter so that makes her a lady whether she wants to be one or not, which seems like harmless smalltalk but to Cersei is probably her very angrily wanting to trap Brie in the same gender roles she's trapped in and hates (which I feel I must have ranted about somewhere in here before but the quick rundown on my feelings on this is gender roles are literally a scam to stop men from realizing being a serf forced to do backbreaking labor and being conscripted to die for some posh cunt in a war is a shit deal by convincing him it's actually cool and badass and to keep women in the auxiliary roles needed to support that role and when society moved onto a fiat currency based system very coincidentally gender roles moved on to being based around how much money a man can earn and what car and dumb gadgets he can buy to show his masculine worth and women's gender roles now revolve entirely around how much utterly pointless tat no man actually notices like the latest clothes, shoes, handbags, hair & nail & skin treatments and make-up she can buy as that's the new way to extract value from dumb poor people and if you actually care about meeting gender roles you're a fucking NPC wanting to be updated with the latest scripts to control you and while there's natural gender roles from biology you don't need to nag people to do those because they happen naturally in fact you usually need to nag people to NOT do things that are natural like having lots of unprotected sex or stuffing your face with as much food as you can find, fuck conservatives, fuck all the lgbtqia+ retards who say they're dismantling gender roles but just acting them out themselves, fuck Cersei (yes please) and fuck you), and Brie seems quite accustomed to letting people annoy her, probably thanks to her brother, and lets her prattle on, and then Cersei thanks her for returning Jaime stealing a glance from him as he stands guard across the feast and Brie picks up on the tension and tries to help by saying "in truth he rescued me Your Grace, more than once" which would be a lovely thing to say to literally any sister other than Cersei who strains to keep a smile and says through her teeth "did he? haven't heard that story before" and glares at Jaime almost as if she's jealous of Brie and she starts the needling "sworn to Renly Baratheon, Catelyn Stark and now my brother" oh my, serving her former captive, shows how far Jaime's come that he's not treating her like shit now, and Cersei points out "must be exciting to flit from one camp to the next, serving whichever lord or lady you fancy" but oh I guess not Brie says "I don't serve your brother Your Grace" I guess they're just friends and she's grown out of her I must be le sworn knight bs after hearing from Jaime first hand how awful that can turn out and Cersei asks "but you love him?" like she's deciding if she needs to merc this big bitch or not and Brie might not be one for all this underhanded palace intrigue double entendre mind games shit but she has the warriors instinct on when she's being threatened or not and just stares at her before awkwardly leaving, SHOULDA SAID "LIKE A BROTHER" lmao and Brie shares a look at Jaime like sorry for bothering trying to help



and then we see ol fuckin Pycelle chatting up a woman like a quarter of his age offering to examine her when Cersei catches him telling him off "she'll do no such thing" and Cersei sends the poor young lady off to see Jaime's doctor and Pycelle suddenly hisses "Qyburn? deplorable man!" ok calm down Hillary, almost dropped the feeble old man act there and he claims he brought shame to the citadel with his "repugnant experiments" and Cersei accuses "more repugnant than your gnarled fingers on that girls thighs?" with a condescending smile and when he tries to play dumb she points out "my little brother sent you to the Black Cells when you annoyed him, what do you think I could do to you if you annoyed me?" and he bricks it and says "I never meant to annoy anyone" and Cersei pretend exasperated sighs "but you are, you're annoying me right now! every breath you draw in my presence annoys me, so here's what I want you to do: I want you to leave my presence, leave this wedding right now, go to the kitchens and instruct them that all the leftovers from the feast will be brought to the kennels" hahahahahhhah FUCK POOR PEOPLE and when Pycelle tries to tell her "Queen Marg-" she cuts him off "THE Queen is telling you... the leftovers will feed the dogs, or you will" and smiles to herself super proud of that idea as she sends Pycelle staggering away, again Cersei is a great character since you can understand why she's so angry and petty and wants to feel power power over others and needs some sort of hedonistic relief and grew up in an enviroment where no one had any problem with abusing others and she's not just mental like certain other evil characters



then we see that poor JUSTed drunkard knight who's now Joffrey's fool juggling for them, nice Neon Demon symbols in his hat btw, and Joffrey looks over at Margaery like he's thinking of a way to impress her and then suddenly jumps up and declares "a gold dragon to whoever knocks my hats fool off!" and the crowd laugh and start pelting him with oranges and the man laughs and runs around for them relieved that this is harmless compared to Joffrey's last funny idea for him and Marg forces a laugh for her new husbands 8 year old sense of humor then we see Tywin catching his daughter smiling and says "you're in rather a good mood, I wont ask why" chuckling to himself as he's having a good time doing something normal for once and Cersei just chuckles wrly "small pleasures" and then uh oh Oberyn approaches and very friendly introduces his wife to Tywin, his arch nemesis, and "Queen Regent Cersei, I suppose it is former Queen Regent now?" and Cersei takes a deep breath to maintain her smile as they all awkwardly try to be polite but Cersei makes his wife's face drop as she says "can't say I've ever met a Sand before" doxxing her immediately and she does the muh culture meme of telling her "we're everywhere in Dorne, I have 10,000 brothers and sisters" and Obryn, probably having researched all the Lannister's secrets, memes at Cersei "bastards are born of passion, aren't they? we dont despise them in Dorne" and Cersei forces her smile to stay as she says "really? how tolerant of you" and Oberyn teases Cersei some more about not being a royal anymore and she just fires back that he'll never know and Tywin can read the air and tells him to give his brother their regards "with any luck the GOUT will abate with time and he will be able to walk again" lmaooooooooooooooooooooooooo and Oberyn teases "they call it the rich mans disease, surprised you don't have it" and Tywin gives him a forced rictus grin and tells him "noble men in our part of the country don't enjoy the same lifestyle as our counterparts in Dorne" basically calling them lazy pampered twats and Oberyn starts up the edge by saying "everywhere has their differences, in some places the high born look down at those of lowbirth, in other places the rape and murder of women and children is considered distasteful" looking Tywin right in the eyes and Tywin actually looks... pleased, for this guy to reveal himself as an enemy, like he'd love one last good rivalry what with Robb's ending so anti-climactically, and Oberyn sees Tywin isn't one to be intimidated so turns to Cersei and says "what a fortunate thing for you, former Queen Regent" and Cersei just smirks at him like he'll have to do better than threatening to rape her but he finishes "that your daughter has been sent to live in the latter sort of place" and her eyes falter as she reminds her... oh yeah, her daughter is living in his territory, and Tywin just stares giving him a genuine smile like I fucking dare you to do one fucking thing to my family and see what happens cunt



but they're interrupted by Joffrey making another announcement hollering "everyone, silence! clear the floor! there's been too much... amusement here today! a royal wedding is not an amusement! a royal wedding is history! time has come for all of us to contemplate our history... my lords... my ladies... I give you" as a huge prop lion is rolled up and a man works a crank to lower it's jaw and a red carpet rolls out as if it's the tongue... oh god it's going to be Robb's corpse or some shit again... and Cersei gets a huge smug look as it's... A BUNCH OF CIRCUS DWARFS DRESSED UP AS "KING JOFFREY, RENLY, STANNIS, ROBB STARK, BALON GREYJOY! THE WAR OF THE FIVE KINGS!" Joffrey gleefully announces to the laughing crowd glad again it's something relatively harmless as these little men ride around on pantomime horses with Grejoy's being a squid and Joffrey's being a golden lion pretending to fight each other with toy weapons and oh hahahaha "STANNIS" MOUNT IS THE RED LADY WITH HER HUGE CLEAVAGE HAHAHAAH AND HE GROWLS "OOH IM THE RIGHTFUL KING!" AND "ROBB" DECLARES "I'M KING OF THE NORTH!" FROM THE DIREWOLF'S HEAD OVER HIS ahahahahahaha



and everyone's laughing along as "Stannis" playfully bops Pycelle on the head with his toy mace but when he bops Varys he looks like he needs to enter a meditative trance to cope with the fucking shitshow that is his fucking thankless job and Joffrey looks over with a sadistic grin at the man this is all for... TYRION who just looks at his nephew like he's simply realized his family really do have no respect for him and oh my fucking god "RENLYS" MOUNT IS FUCKING LORAS HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH BECAUSE HE WAS GAY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 67 JOFFREY FUCKING RULES SO MUCH see this is why I'd be the perfect man for Cersei, this is the kind of shit I'd come up with, I'd introduce blackface to Westeros and the real Loras winces as little "Renly" prances around sticking his arse in the air while strapped to a bent over puppet of himself, the man he fucking loved, but keeps himself calm despite probably being able to kill half the Lannister family before anyone stops him and Cersei gets a huge shit eating grin beaming it over at Marg as her late husband is depicted as a howling queen prancing around being poked in a huge prosthetic rubber bum by his "brothers" mace as he moans "oh my prince my prince!" as "Stannis" yells "away degenerate!" holy christ literally ye olde shitposting



and her son Tommen giggles along innocently probably not getting the references and even Tywin can't help but smirk at his defeated enemies being degraded so and he gives Lady Tyrell a cheeky look but she's not impressed and Loras can't take anymore and leaves in a huff and Sansa stares furiously at her brother being depicted as the way his murdered body was now infamously desecrated and little "King Joffrey" fires a toy arrow at "Stannis" causing spring loaded toy green snakes to pop out of his chest signifying the wildfire which Joffrey probably took credit for aiming rather than Bronn, probably good for his saftey anyway so Bronn doesn't have 10,000 men's family's wanting revenge on him, and everyone claps and cheers at the blow that saved all their hides and lil Stannis runs off crying as lil Robb knocks over lil Greyjoy who starts whining "ooh I'm drowning! I'm drowning!" making fun of their religion, and Tyrion just looks down in defeat as everyone makes a mockery of the proudest moment of his life but he can't be angry at the dwarves, knowing that would be him if he was born into any other family, and tells Podrick "pay them 20 gold when this is done", who solemnly says "yes my lord" knowing how offensive this is to his Little Person™ boss he respects so much, and Tyrion threatens "I'll have to think of anothe way to thank the King" who's sitting there very pleased with himself that he's found a way to bully his ex, his uncle, his new wife and his brother-in-law all at once as even his perfect actress wife cant maintain her smile as chibbi "King Joffrey" and "Robb Stark" pretend to joust each other as he yells his catch phrase "amma Kinga tha Norf!" in a comically thick accent



and Tyrion puts his hand on Sansa to keep her from doing anything stupid as they make a joke of her brothers death and Joffrey breaks down in hysterics as the little dwarf version of him declares his victory, inb4 he has this guy hung for disrespecting his image or something, and Oberyn looks on in disgust as the mean spirited nature of his enemies are applauded by all these spoiled rich pricks and Sansa looks like she's just making a mental note to never forget her hatred as little "King Joffrey" mimics fucking her brother's severed head which makes Joffrey laugh so much he does a spit take spewing wine all over the table much to his mothers amusement and much to his wife's disgust and the five dwarfs break character and line up to take their bow as the crowd and the Lannisters applaud their comedic show but Lady Tyrell just sits there sad realizing the kind of man she's married her granddaughter to and Joffrey stands up saying "well fought! well fought! here, the champions purse!" but before he pays them he looks over at Tyrion just sitting there depressed and gets an evil thought "although... you're not the champion yet are you? a true champion defeats all the challengers... surely there are others out there who still dare to challenge my reign?" and the crowd falls silent in case he's being serious and the five actors get nervous as if he's going to make them fight for real or order a guard to fight them or something fucked up but his angle is "Uncle? how about you? I'm sure they have a spare costume" and Cersei looks like she finna bouta cum



and the crowd laughs nervously as Joffrey just glares at his uncle and Tyrion looks sadly at him like there's really no decency left in him and just smiles and starts needling at his insecurities "one taste of combat was enough for me, Your Grace, I'd like to keep what remains of my face... I think you should fight them, this was but a poor imitation of your own bravery on the field of battle, I speak as a firsthand witness, climb down from the high table with your new Valyrian sword and show everyone how a true king wins his throne... be careful though... this one is clearly mad with lust... it would be a tragedy for the King to lose his virtue hours before his wedding night" and the a few members in the crowd laugh not knowing quite whats going on as Tyrion basically just called the King a pussy and made a joke about him getting ass raped in front of everyone lmao and the 5 actors all look at Tyrion sadly like they appreciate him standing up for them and wish they could be like him but Joffrey looks out at the crowd like he's thinking he could just have whoever he wants killed but then he decides... nah... JOFFREY JUST WALKS OVER AND POURS HIS CUP OF WINE OVER TYRIONS HEAD who endures even more humiliation and says tastes it and quips "a fine vintage, shame that it spilled" and Joffrey murmurs "it did not spill" as if he's completely zoning out and about to do something real bad



and even Cersei starts to get nervous and Marg tries to save the situation by calling out "my love, come back to me! it's time for my fathers toast" and all the actors count their fucking blessings he didn't do anything to them to get at Tyrion and run off as fast as they can manage back into the lions mouth but Joffrey ain't done he asks "how can he do a toast without a cup of wine? uncle... you can be my cupbearer, seeing as you're too cowardly to fight" and Tyrion forces out "your grace does me a great honor" and Joffrey says with a smirk "its not meant to be an honor" but no one's laughing anymore and everyone just sits there super awkward other than the fucking cunt Cersei who smirks as Tyrion is forced to come forward for Joffrey to drop his cup on the ground for him to pick up but before he can he kicks it under the table and orders "bring me my goblet" but... Sansa picks it up and hands it to Tyrion so he can at least have some dignity and Joffrey sneers "what good is an empty cup? fill it" and he does so in front of his smirking cunt sister and hands it to her son and Joffrey orders "kneel... kneel before your king..... kneel" but Tyrion just looks at him like he's deciding he's going to really fuck him up and the entire crowd gets super tense as Joffrey screams "I said... KNEEL!!!" and Tyrion grits his teeth like he can't fucking take it anymore and is about to do something dumb when Marg saves the day by yelling "look, the pie!" like she's just a stupid teenage girl and the whole crowd cheers and claps in relief as a huge pie is brought out by the staff and Tyrion keeps maddogging Joffrey who just sneers at him and swaggers away drinking the wine and gets his sword out to cut the pie and when he does he gasps as a bunch of doves startle him by flying out and everyone cheers and claps for Joffrey as Marg says "my love! my hero!" as he swaggers back a bit drunk now and there's some pottery where like the necklace she joked about before... he really did cut one of the doves heads off lmao



and as Marg feeds her new husband some of the pie Sansa asks her new husband if they can leave and they go to sneak away when Joffrey suddenly notices something, ah yes, the urge to bully a manlet, so he calls out "uncle! where are you going? you're my cupbearer remember?" and Cersei starts smirking again as he makes everyone fall silent again as he tells Tyrion he's perfect in his wet clothes and orders him to serve more wine and Tyrion gives in and does it as Lady Tyrell looks at him sympathetically as he earned her respect before and he tries again to excuse them but Joffrey's not having it and tells him "no, you'll wait here" and suddenly... starts coughing and is hit by a sudden pain in his throat o-oh shit and he starts stammering and descends into a coughing fit and Tyrion asks "Your Grace?" and dumbass Joffrey takes another sip of the wine to try to sooth his throat and he splutters out "its nothing"



and Cersei stands up with genuine concern for her son and when he turns to his new wife she sees how fucked up he looks and calls out "he's choking!" and Lady Tyrell calls "help the poor boy! idiots! help your king!" and the crowd starts to gasp as Joffrey falls over heaving and coughing and Jaime rushes up to his nephew, to his son, as he vomits all over the ground and it looks a bit too red to just be the wine and Cersei rushes down next to her brother/lover and son/nephew crying for someone to help him and the juggler fool does some terminator shit where he sneaks up to Sansa and says "come with me now, if you want to live, we have to leave"



and Cersei shoves Jaime away crying "don't touch him" so she can turn her son over and it just makes Joffrey start gurgling in his own vomit and blood and Tywin looks down to see his grandson bleeding from his nose and struggling to breathe so much his face is starting to go purple and Cersei begs "what is it? someone help him!" and Joffrey struggles to raise his hand to point to...



TYRION PICKING UP HIS GOBLET



and Cersei looks at him with pure rage and Joffrey lets out one last squeak as jesus the blood vessels in his face start to burst and his eyes go bloodshot as his entire face goes dark purple and he looks... scared... dying in his mothers arms as blood pours out of his nose and eyes and his face starts to go red... and he stops writhing... and Cersei breaks down in tears whimpering "my son" and when she looks up he's gone... JOFFREY HAS BEEN POISONED TO DEATH



and Cersei immediately looks at her brother and declares YOU DID THIS...HE POISONED MY SON... YOUR KING, TAKE HIM, TAKE HIM! TAKE HIM!! TAAAAAAAAKE HIIIIIM!!!! and the crowd starts angrily clamouring as she looks down at the pale face of her murdered son and the guards all grab Tyrion, oh shit



ok, I knew Joffrey died in this way since the screencaps were all over the internet but I didn't know it was this like fucking murder mystery situation, I thought it would be obvious who did it, when in this situation we have like, how many suspects? obviously Tyrion's the most easy to accuse since he handed him the drink and was clearly being publicly humiliated by him, then I'd say second most likely is Oberyn because he knew that'd hurt the family the most and maybe even made it look like it was Tyrion to cause even more suffering, then I'd say maybe Marg if she's realizing how she can't stand to be married to him or tied to this evil family anymore but she seems pretty subservient to Lady Tyrell's who'd be my fourth suspect but you'd think she'd wait until Joffrey got Marg pregnant since that seemed to be her goal, then maybe fucking Sansa but I don't think she's cunning enough, although she was the second last person to touch the cup, then maybe Loras on a whim right there but I don't think he'd have time to set it up, and maybe even Tywin could be guilty, he seemed shocked at the time but maybe that was what he meant to Pycelle about giving the King some nightshade, he saw how emotionally unstable Joffrey was and that he'd fuck up being King for his family and to protect his legacy it'd be better if the far more placid seeming Tommen was his puppet grandson rather than a sociopath incel, and I guess as a wildcard beyond any way of measuring his intent is Varys, he was clearly not pleased with Joffrey's antics and it probably would be for the best of the Realm if the King was some easy to manage 9 year old boy than an impulsive cruel 18 year old mentalist, and then there's some meme options like Oberyns wife did it without telling him, CIA did it just to fuck up Varys life some more, Pycelle did it because of Cersei threatening him, it was literally the Red Lady's magic spell, I'd say maybe the other remaining King Greyjoy sent an assassin but he's extremely dumb and useless, so that's like 10 plausible killers lmao, the most epic meme would be if it turned out Joffrey couldn't take being King anymore and committed suicide and just framed his uncle as one last epic prank or something lmao, wait! I got it! it's obvious! the eleventh suspect! it was the fucking drunken knight fool fat guy who took Sansa away! fucking duh it was him, he was giving Sansa that necklace talking about how it's all he had left as if he was planning for his life to be over and he snuck up and took her away somehow already knowing what was happening to Joffrey, there another case closed, anyway as for Joffrey being dead if it wasn't the law of lame storytelling tropes that all stories need to take place within the same 5 year window Joffrey could be a great overall villain as we see him grow older into a complete monster King for life but I guess this is what happens when you're a total cunt and I think he'd be good material for a redemption arc like if his family were dethroned and he had to live on the run as a commoner and couldn't just do whatever evil urge he has due to being a frail little incel and had to address his nature and realize he can control it at least to some extent or something like that since they never did anything more with him literally killing a prostitute for fun but I guess that's edgy shocking deaths for you and he'd really only been used as a McGuffin in the plot anyway never doing much himself and just someone for the other characters to prop up and manage and his niche of "sadistic serial killer in training spoiled brat" has kind of been usurped by Ramsey anyway so the story can still function without him but the actor did a really great job of making Joffrey look just so scared and confused so you almost feel bad for him, this guy who ordered children massacred and just abused and bullied everyone around him, since he was still just some extremely stunted 18 year old dying in his mothers arms, and kind of like how Robb's death was more Cat's scene this was more Cersei's scene, such a good acting and sums up her character well where she's suffered so much all just to get Joffrey on that throne and then he dies like it's nothing from someone poisoning his wine like a coward, and with that her entire life is almost meaningless, who does that make the king now, fucking Tommen? but unlike Cat when she sees her eldest son, who she'd do anything to protect his Kingship, get murdered in front of her, her rage isn't over in a split second and she immediately turns on her own brother, and it was a nice tough that Jaime was there, even though he only got like one scene with his son maybe they can play off that if he's hurt by this at all, but one thing's for sure: Joffrey truly was The Incel King, he died a virgin lmao



Game of Thrones 4x03: "Breaker of Chains"
was it rape? special edition
First aired: April 20, 2014

we open but one second later on the same scene with Joffrey's warm corpse still in his mothers arms as she hisses "you did this! YOU DID THIS! TAKE HIM! TAKE HIM!!!" completely believing her brother just merced her son in front of everyone



and the Jester guy runs off with Sansa as the crowd is distracted and all muttering and murmuring in shock and the guards start to escort Tyrion out but Cersei ever the game player realizes "where's his wife? where's Sansa?" and Tyrion commands to Jaime "find her, bar the gates of the city, seize every ship in the harbour" going full terror threat level red as it's Lannister war time motherfucker and Cersei screeches "WHERE IS SHE?" and Tyrion commands "NO ONE LEAVES THE CAPITAL!" and then we see the bells tolling as Sansa puts on a cloak and rushes through the narrow alleys of King's Landing with the Jester until they get to the shore and he takes her down to a tiny rowing boat he's got hidden to take her "somewhere safe" and she doesn't have a choice as he exfils her out to sea



then later that night shrouded in the mist Sansa sees they're coming up to a sailing ship with it's sails rolled up and he brings her to the side and promises "you'll be fine, you're stronger than you know" as she climbs up a ladder on the side and a man pulls her aboard and IT'S CIA!!! who holds Sansa and assures her "I'm sure you've had quite a fright, rest easy, the worst has past" and the Jester calls up "Lord Baelish, I promised that I'd bring her to you safely" and starts angling for his reward but CIA BASICALLY GOES "UH, YOU DON'T GET TO BRING FRIENDS"



AND HAS HIS MEN PERFORATE THE JESTER WITH CROSSBOW BOLTS



and Sansa screams in horror but CIA clasps his hand over her mouth and reminds her "a thousand gold cloaks are searching for you" and she says "I didn't murder anyone" but CIA makes her even more scared by saying "but it looks suspicious, the King who executed your father, who tormented you for years, and you fled the scene of his murder" yeah on his order lul and Sansa whimpers "why did you kill him" and CIA just goes "he was a drunk and a fool and I don't trust drunk fools" and when she whines "he saved me" CIA takes all the credit saying "he followed my orders, every one of them, and he did it all for gold" but Sansa doesn't believe it since he seemed like such a nice man but CIA explains "gold buys a man's silence for a time, a bolt in the heart buys it forever" and then he takes the necklace off of Sansa repeating the Jesters sob story... and smashes it, proving "I had it made a few weeks ago, what did I once tell you about the capital?" and Sansa remembers "we're all liars here" lmao absolutely fucking le rused and he promises her "you're safe... with me... sailing home" I wonder what his angle is now that Cat is dead, maybe just marrying Sansa so he becomes King a da Norf or now he just wants to dab on Varys some more by taking away an important asset from him

then we see Marg asking her grandmother "so... am I still the queen?" and Lady Tyrell just sighs "more than you were with Renly, less than you would have been if Joffrey had done you the courtesy of consummating the marriage before dying" something in fiction that always comes up is people treat fucking like it will 100% result in a pregnancy if you nut inside but in reality women are only fertile for a few days a month and even if you time it right it might not happen depending on the mostly random luck of how healthy the sperm are and if the pregnancy happens to take without just noping out in the first few days but she warns her "this would not be an opportune moment to press the issue" and Marg seems genuinely disturbed by what she saw "clawing at his own throat, looking at his own mother to make it stop, it was horrible" and granny agrees in her own edgy way "the world is full of horrible things, all a trey of cakes compared to death" and talks about being made to look at her own husbands dead body at his funeral and Marg talks about how "my last husband preferred the company of men and was stabbed through the heart and the other was happiest torturing animals and was poisoned at our wedding feast, I must be cursed!", I don't recall Joffrey every displaying zoosadism but maybe that was off-screen, but granny tries to cheer her up saying it's for the better she didn't have to be that mans wife and she insists "but I would have been Queen" but Lady Tyrell points out the Lannisters still need their alliance and says "you did wonderful work on Joffrey, next one should be easier" since their family seem like far nicer people than the Lannisters since they don't seem to actually do anything bad to anyone but she still thinks of her own granddaughter like a piece to move around the family chessboard



then we see Cersei and young Tommen standing by Joffrey's corpse with his sword in his hand, dressed in his funeral gown, the his crown still on and the ceremonial painted eye stones over his eyes and Tywin says "your brother is dead... do you know what that means?" and Tommen's too scared of his grandfather to reply but Tywin knows he's an innocent little fellow and doesn't need to be strongarmed to tells him softly "I'm not trying to trick you" and he admits "it means I'l become King" as if he's not looking forward to it, probably a good sign, and Tywin pries "yes, you will become king, what kind of king do you think you'll be?" and Tommen guesses at the right answer "a good king?" and Tywin gives a satisfied murmur and tries to say caringly "I think so as well, you've got the right temperament for it" while literally looking down at Joffrey like it's for the best in the wider picture but he goes on "but what makes a good king hmm? what is a good king's single most important quality?" as he kicks off the grooming procedure and Cersei looks down sad as she realizes she can't protect Tommen from being corrupted by her father and this horrible world now, at least Joffrey was a sort of buffer for that, and she cant help herself but say "this is hardly the place or the time" but Tommen's already catching on it's time to toughen up and offers "holiness" lmao implying god is real, wait he is and his name is Allah in this world, and Tywin forces an approving murmur and nod and allows him away with "Baelor the Blessed was holy... and pious... he built this Sept... he also named a 6 year old boy High Septon because he thought the boy could work miracles, he ended up fasting himself into an early grave because food was of this world and this world was sinful, hmm?" so Tommen tries "justice?" and Tywin gives a more condescending "hmmm? a good king must be just... Orys the First was just, everyone applauded his reforms, nobles and commoners alike, but he wasn't just for long, he was murdered in his sleep after less than a year by his own brother" jesus christ and Tommen looks down like oh, this is my life now, as Tywin asks "was that truly just of him? to abandon his subjects to an evil that he was too gullible to recognise?" and Tommen gets the picture "no" and Tywin immediately reinforces "no" as Cersei stands there staring at her dead son as her father brainwashes her only other son and Tommen thinks he's onto the right answer and proposes "what about strength?" and Tywin instantly says "yesss, strength, King Robert was strong, he won the rebellion and crushed the Targaryen dynasty... and he attended three Small Council meetings in 17 years" lmaooooo lazy fat fuck "he spent his time whoring and hunting and drinking until the last two killed him, so, we have a man who starves himself to death, a man who lets his own brother murder him and a man who thinks that winning and ruling are the same thing... what do they all lack?" and Tommen struggles to think but then it hits him what his grandfather respects "wisdom! wisdom is what makes a good king" and Tyrion hisses "yesss" as she's starting to corrupt the young boy but he pushes "but what is wisdom? hmm?" and its POP QUIZ HOTSHOT time as he asks "a house with great wealth and fertile lands asks you or your protection, against another house with a strong navy that could one day oppose you... how do you know which choice is wise and which isn't? you've... any experiences of treasuries and granaries or shipyards or soldiers?" and Tommen admits "no" as he starts to catch on the position Tywin wants him in really, doing nothing and following him, as he explains "of course not, a wise king knows what he knows and what he doesn't, you're young, a wise young king listens to his counsellors and heeds their advise until he comes of age, and the wisest kings continue to listen to them long afterwards" and he looks down sneering at Joffrey's body and says candidly "your brother was not a wise king, your brother was not a good king, i he had been, perhaps he'd still be alive" as Cersei wells up in tears at how Tywin doesn't really give a shit about his own grandsons and just treats them as accessories and he starts up a new grooming angle "now, as the king, you will have to marry, do you understand why?" "a king needs queen" "yes but do you know why? to further the family line" and takes the poor young boy off under his wing and Cersei looks after him as if this is the last time she'll see him too and Tywin takes him up the stairs asking the innocent boy "do you know how that happens? has anyone explained the details to you? it's all relatively straight froward" lmao, a great way to show Tywin sinking his claws into every part of this boys future, the poor boy not even being able to have The Talk™ uncorrupted by the lens of Tywin's obsession with political power



a discussion he should really have with a loving father, and speaking of which Jaime walks in and asks his newphew-but-really-son "how are you?" and Tommen puts on a brave face knowing it's toxic masculinity time and assures his "uncle" "I'm alright" and Jaime confidently says "you are, you will be, I'll see to that" patting his shoulder sympathetically and as soon as he leaves Tywin puts his hand on his other shoulder as if he's the devil whispering in the other ear and then Jaime does the "leave us" meme to the Kingsguard, their only weakness and Cersei takes a deep breath having to face her brother/lover/father of their dead son as the guards close the doors putting them into darkness and she insists "it was Tyrion, he killed him, he told me he would" and quotes Tyrion's line "a day will come when you think you are safe and happy and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth" not realizing that he was just bullshitting to pretend to be shook that she'd captured Ros "that's what he said to me, you saw it, you saw Joff point at him before he-" but Jaime claims "I don't know what I saw" and she insists "avenge him... avenge our son... kill Tyrion" but Jaime has undergone a bit too much character development for that and reminds her "Tyrion is my brother, our brother, there'll be a trial and we'll get to the bottom of what happened" I hope we get to see that to see what their legal system is like since modern trials are boring as fuck since DNA evidence and now adays digital evidence makes it really fucking obvious what happened lmao and the only points of contention is what the sentence should be I hope it's some epic debate Danganrompa shit and Cersei whispers "I don't want a trial... he'll squirm his way to freedom given a chance, I want him dead" knowing what a manipulative little shit Tyrion is and she starts begging, seemingly genuinely believing it was him, "please Jaime, you have to" breaking down in tears "he was our son, our baby boy" and Jaime comforts his sister/mother of their children and holds her tight against his chest... AND THEY START MAKING OUT PASSIONATELY



but Cersei recoils in disgust from her moment of weakness, that she's fallen back into her extremely pathetic coping mechanism of getting the only kind of fucked up affection she can get while also keeping Jaime loyal to her that she hates herself for, and looks back down at Joffrey's corpse to kill the mood, and Jaime gets rustled that Cersei is probably just trying to manipulate him by withholding affection from him and probably always has been and growls "you're a hateful woman... why have the gods made me love a hateful woman?!" and he grabs the back of her neck and holds her face under his and forces a kiss on her oh god JAIME STARTS FORCING HIMSELF ON HIS SISTER! GET YOUR HANDS (well one of them) OFF OF MY WAIFU YOU FUCKING CHAD REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE



and she begs him "Jaime, not here, please, please, stop it!" as Jaime starts tearing her dress open but Jaime growls "no!" and takes her down so they're kneeling opposite each other as if they're little children playing around with each other again and she breathlessly whispers "stop it, stop it" as he frantically gets his cock out of his pants and makes out with her and she just goes limp against him as if she's caught between arousal and fear and he jumps on top of her and starts frantically trying to fit inside her and she starts trying to push him off whimpering "stop, its not right" but Jaime grunts like a beast as he gets inside his sisters pussy and starts thrusting into her with abandon getting her hair caught in his mouth as she cries "its not right, don't Jaime, don't" as she clearly tries to shove him off and he just mumbles "I don't care, I don't care, I don't care" as it fucking happens, the scene that caused a fucking internet shitstorm back in 2014 that had the actors being stopped at conventions and asked what were they thinking and the showrunners being too fucking pussy to so much as do a commentary track for this episode on the DVDs lmao, JAIME RAPES HIS SISTER NEXT TO THEIR SON'S CORPSE! FOR THE LEGENDARY TRIPLE EDGY COMBO EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 68 INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 6 JAIME LANNISTER +1 CERSEI LANNISTER (INCESTUAL RAPE)



HE'S DONE IT! JAIME HAS ACHIEVED... THE ULTIMATE EDGY SCENE! A FICTIONAL EVENT SO EDGY IT EVEN VIOLATES THE FOURTH WALL AND HURTS PEOPLE IN REAL LIFE!



alright uh first of all in-universe I think what's going on here is Cersei's trying to stop, you know, fucking her fucking brother, and her being next to her dead son wins out over her old bad habits, but Jaime never had that close a relationship with him and seems to be desperate to get back to his bad habits, they almost spell it out with him saying "I don't care I don't care" over and over again, that's what he's telling himself, he wishes he could go back to his old self before his misadventures with Brie because the old callous hedonistic us-against-the-world Jaime would not give a shit at all if Joffrey died, think it was the simplest thing in the world to kill his own brother if he thought he'd turned on their family, not worry about Tommen, not really be emotionally affected by any of this horrible situation, and he's trying to be that guy again, who doesn't give a shit about anything other than his own impulses including fucking his own sister, and it seems pretty fucking obvious that apart of this coping mechanism of trying to be the old him is ignoring his sister clearly doesn't consent but goes ahead anyway, which the old him would do, and in his fucked up head being as selfish as he can be will make him feel better, even though the thing that's causing him suffering in the first place is primarily his sister being upset, now it does work without that extra layer of it being a rape scene, but I think it's pretty damn obvious even if you're a brainlet who doesn't understand how rape happens that narratively the big shock is that it's a rape scene, not just another incest scene which we've all seen before, but this is Jaime relapsing to even worse than he used to be from being exposed to his father again not just fucking his sister but raping her, and this is by far the worst day of Cersei's fucking life to explain her future actions and not just another messed up moment of weakness, which would be a very stagnant lazy thing to retread with these characters, but then we have the meta-level, where the absolute rape culture supporters D&D (Dan Weiss and David Benioff) claimed this wasn't a rape scene and it caused a huge shitstorm drama lmao, and for one, you know what? THE SJWS WERE RIGHT, I mean, not to the extent of being mad that they changed the consensual scene in the books to a rape scene and that shouldn't be done and rape should not be depicted in media without a like trigger warning displayed before hand since the scene being a rape scene is so much more narratively fitting than just another affair between the two and honestly makes Jaime's character a lot more deep and realistic (that he's not only regressing into old habits but to his old evil ways, and this situation, if read as rape, which it should be, is probably the most realistic depiction of rape I thin I've ever seen, where idiots say that this is out of character for Jaime because in the books he hated having to guard the Mad Kings bedroom as he raped his wife and in the show he's clearly distressed by Locke's men attempting to rape Brie and goes out of his way to save her, but that's the point (or would be if this was intentional lmao) very rarely is a rape done by a stranger violently attacking you, the rapes that happen like what Locke's men were trying to do (or what almost happened to Sansa or Theon too) is like 1% of rapes or something where a stranger grabs someone off the street to force themselves on them, and most rapists don't consider themselves rapists because they understand grabbing a stranger to force yourself on them is obviously an evil thing and they wouldn't consider themselves evil, but then they go and force themselves on someone they know while thinking "this isn't rape since rape is some crazy criminal dragging random women off the street, I'm just having sex with my lover like we have done many times before, and she clearly wants it right now, she's just being a tease/playing hard to get/trying to lead me on" or whatever excuse, since the vast majority of rapes are an interpersonal crime, 50% of the time being with your romantic partner, which is why it's so intimately horrible and hard to get support or prosecutions for, because brainlet normies just go "durrrr that doesn't count because you already chose to have sex with them at some point in the past and it wasn't literally a violent fist fight" which is literally the thought process the rapist at least tells themselves at the time, and this is demonstrated perfectly with Jaime considering himself heroic from saving Brie from getting gangraped by enemies but will force himself on his own sister, since he feels she owes him sex and doesn't respect what she's telling him and is in fact clearly angered by her clearly turning him down, and the way Cersei behaves is extreme realism too, fucking morons always say "lol why didn't you fight back or scream? that's what I'd do" when even if it is a Real Rape™ where you're physically attacked by a stranger you're probably just going to freeze up since you instinctively feel if you fight back too much you'll just get more injured and when it's the far more common interpersonal event you're probably in shock a person you trust is doing this to you or denying it to yourself in real-time that this is something bad and not just another case of uncomfortable sex or are trying to placate them so they calm down or listen to you and the horrible reality is that a lot of the time the victim probably cant even bring themselves to actually say "no" for fear of angering their partner/admitting to themselves whats happening/officially making their loved one a rapist/whatever so Cersei clearly verbally refusing is more clear cut than it sometimes is, and it's so realistic on a meta level too since some people still don't fucking get it and it's fittingly mostly the people most intimately involved in it, since I guess if people think of rape as this crazy weird super violent crime like murder that people rarely know anyone it's happened to that's easier to deal with than yeah most of the time it's just your partner doesn't take no for an answer and you just freeze up which turns into ooh... I know someone that happened to... oh, that happened to me.... oh... I did that... and then it's cognitive dissonance time for the normies) but it is clearly a fucking rape scene, the creators claim that's not what was intended, and seem to think it's a very odd reaction that everyone unanimously interpreted it at that, and claim that they wrote and directed it as consensual, and point out Cersei kissing Jaime back briefly when they're kneeling, and the actors and directors all claimed they had no intention at all of it being rape and thought they were filming a sex scene and claimed it was actually just flawed camera work and editing that obscure Cersei's hand on the back of Jaime's head when they kiss briefly which caused some EXTREME FUCKING AUTISM of people trying to prove what they really intended or not with people insisting they re-edit the scene to make it clear that Jaime still has his dignity of just being a sister fucker and not a sister raper



but so what? that could just be her trying to placate him because she's scared he'll hurt her worse or hoping maybe that's all he'll want, and even if for a split second she changes her mind and gives in that doesn't override her afterwards, you know, telling him to stop, which unless they've off-screen agreed to doing spontaneous rape roleplay where she can say things like that but only really mean it with a safeword that we never see used that makes it HER GETTING FUCKING RAPED SINCE SHE'S TELLING HIM TO STOP AND HE DOESN'T maybe don't fucking write your character saying "no stop don't don't don't don't" during your """""sex scene"""""" if you don't want it misinterpreted as rape by the audience, just a wee fucking pro-tip for you, but you know what, congratulations, because you accidentally produced probably the "best" rape scene in tv history that effects the characters arcs of Cersei's suffering and Jaime's relapsing and themes of brutal realism absolutely perfectly, and the funny thing is they couldn't have done it if they weren't literally and unironically falling into Rape Culture™, if they intended it to be a rape scene they'd probably have had it being an overblown violent affair with lots of slapping filmed similar to a frantic horror scene with Jaime laughing sadistically and her screaming her lungs out like with Sansa and Theon's attempted rape scenes because they are fucking hack retards and then the cherry on top is acting out this horrifically mundane realistic depiction of rape on a meta level by gawping-gormlessly Jon-style at the real world and actually asking "durrrrrr how's that rape? she wanted it actually" completely seriously in real life, which again you could never pull off on purpose without it obviously being some stunt and could only be demonstrated completely authentically, absolute fucking post-modern meta-kino to be honest with you my famalam but I guess when interpreting the rest of the show I have to go on looking through the lens of this being at least intended to be consensual despite this working perfectly on a subtext level as to how it elaborates on the extent of the characters dysfunctional environment and on a textual level of accurately depicting intimate partner rape more realistically than the vast majority of media but I guess it's worth it not being canon for the amazing meta level it works on of even the people who produced it not understanding it was non-consensual lmao so in conclusion this is why death of the author is a good thing since rape culture supporters need to die I mean uh for the health of artistic interpretation



anyway then we see The Hound taking a piss as some mist rolls in across some valley they're in and Arya is pissing him off asking where they're going, how far it is, why they don't have a map, ect, but when she asks what he's gonna do after he gets gold for her he sort of guesses "might book passage across the narrow sea, fight as a sellsword, Second Sons could be... a good fit for me" as if he didn't even think about it and has no real plans for the future and is just sort of barely staggering through life but then they're interrupted by a man and his young daughter above them claiming they're on his land and The Hound edgily snarls "I'm standing on it, it's my land" and Arya tries to keep any edgy shit happening by saying "we were just watering the horses, we'll be on our way" but the man looks at the extremely suspicious Hound and Arya starts making up a sob story about how his father was wounded in the war and they lost their mother in a cottage fire dramatically saying "he's never been the same" and the man looks at her sympathetically like he's heard all about the war and looks at The Hound who just looks about awkward assuming he doesn't have to play up how fucked he looks and the man asks "what house did he fight for?" and Arya thinks fast and says "the Tully's of Riverrun" hoping they're in the right area for him to support them and he's not someone who'd just side with the victors and she's right as the man smiles and offers them a stay in their home saying "any man who bled for house Tully is welcome to it" and The Hound looks awkwardly at Arya as if he's not used to talking his way out of situations so hopes she can and then later that night in the farmers home the man is saying grace to his 7 gods as Arya and the daughter clasp their hands and when the man gets to the part about praying to the virgin to keep his daughter from depravity lmao The Hound grumbles "you gonna do all seven of the fuckers?" lmaooo reminds me of being at my second cousins house in America when I was 11 and when they started to say grace I just innocently asked "what's saying grace?" and they all looked at me like I had just started screaming the N word or something, although they'd probably have liked that since there was also a moment where I saw some Kanji script on some painting and told the mother of the house "that's a nice Japanese painting you have there" and I swear to fucking god she replied "it's Chinese, we would never have anything Japanese in our house after Pearl Harbor" lmaooooo fuck Americans, fuck white people and fuck religion anyway Arya gasps "father!" as the uncomfortable man goes on praying and The Hound suddenly prays "and we ask The Stranger not to kill us in our beds tonight for no damn reason at all" and grabs the pot of stew, fills his bowl entirely up and digs in oh my fucking god the edge and Arya awkwardly says "I'm so sorry" hoping her "fathers" ye olde PTSD is explanation enough and The Hound slurps super loudly spilling soup everywhere like he's literally a dog as the man glares at him and he asks "did you fight at the Twins?" and The Hound edgily grumbles "call that a fight? slaughtering livestock more like" and it seems like this man is big into the Got fandom and says "The Red Wedding, they're calling it, Walder Frey committed sacrilege that day, he shared bread and salt with the Starks, he offered them guest right" and The Hound mutters "guest right don't mean much anymore" and the man holds his pot of stew as if as an example and says "it means something to me" and claims "Frey will burn in the seventh hell for this" which reminds me of Dante's Inferno which is basically bible fanfiction but accepted as canon for some reason where he describes the inner-most ring of hell to be reserved for traitors and he reminisces about how safe it was when the Tully's were in charge and now the Frey's don't protect them from raiders and he can't even send his daughter North as the whole country's gone sour and The Hound just stares off vacantly like yeah life's shit duh and asks "you got any ale?" and the man knows better and says "fraid not?" and the man starts inquiring about his sword skills and floats the idea of employing him as a farm hand but really to ward off raiders and since he has no other plans really he asks "what'll ya pay?" and the man admits he's hid a bit of silver from the bandits so The Hound agrees "fair wages for fair work" to Aryas surprise, uh oh, this aint gonna end well, inb4 he is actually a pedo or something and touches the girl



then yep, Arya wakes up in the barn to the sound of men yelling and the little girl screaming and she leaves to find little Sally tending to her father as The Hound marches off and the farmer rubs his bloodied head and she angrily screams "what did you do?! you told me you weren't a thief! he took us in! he fed us!" but THE HOUND IS WALKING OFF WITH THE MANS SILVER handwaving "they'll both be dead come winter, he's weak, he can't protect himself, dead men don't need silver" fucking prick, but you can understand his world view of it's just the facts of the matter that weak people die he's seen it happen over and over and over again around him, by his own hand and especially by his brothers and an appalled Arya screams "YOU'RE THE WORST SHIT IN THE SEVEN KINGDOMS!" and The Hound tells her "there's plenty worse than me, I just understand the way things are, how many Starks they gotta behead before you figure it out?" oooooh but Arya can tell he's right and can't even get mad anymore, well I guess this is a good way to show The Hound is nowhere ready to re-integrate with society yet but it'd be nice if Arya pays this poor man back after she gets to her aunts



then at Black Castle or whatever it's called a ranger is listing out "raper, raper, horse thief, ninth-born son, raper, thief, thief and raper" as they take note of why each new recruit is there and Janos, the bald dickhead CO, asks Sam "going to visit your wildling whore?" which Sam denies and he just threatens "maybe I'll give her a copper tonight and find out" and then inside the feast hall Sam is frustratingly telling Gilly that no one believes he iced, literally, the White Walker and they won't believe her since she's a wildling, but rather stunted in development Gilly doesn't mind being called that and thinks it's cool, probably to rebel against her father who refused to be called one, and Sam smiles awkwardly at how fucked up her life is but at least she's still got a cheery disposition, and he admits he's worried about the men here who haven't seen women in years around her but she doesn't seem to care as if he's just used to being sexually assaulted by her scumbag father and when Sam warns "there's a hundred men laying awake at night picturing you" she asks "what about you?" and Sam sperges out and is like "what about me? Gilly?" and stares at her awkwardly and she just says "thank you for worrying about me" and smiles dopey to herself but he reiterates some of the men here are rapers and fucking dumbass useless obese incel Sam does what genius master planner Tyrion couldn't manage for 2 years and suggests she'd be safer somewhere else, in the nearest town, which makes her insecure but he assures her it's for her protection but she gets upset and runs off thinking this rich smart civilized man's already bored with inbred rural her and Sam tickles the baby as if to try to reassure him it'll be ok

then with Stannis we see him standing in his must be freezing open plan office in the rain at night getting Davos to read a letter, and he's gotten good enough that he doesn't need to speak aloud anymore but is still mouthing the words and he's shocked to read "Joffrey?" but Stannis corrects "the USURPER, Joffrey Baratheon, I said those words when I tossed a leach into the fire, a leach filled with BASTARD blood, a bastard YOU set free!" which would be an interesting development if this was all bullshit he'd fallen for it and wasn't like literally probably accurate that Gentry's blood let's him kill whoever he wants lmao and a scared Davos assures his off-the-rails friend he's trying to get him an army and so far he has "house Peasebury, Musgood, Haigh" but Stannis just snaps the chess pieces that would have represented them and tosses them away saying "they don't have enough men between them to raid a pantry" and Davos suggests hiring Golden Company from Essos, who I assume Dany will effortlessly take control of by accident in a few minutes but Stannis is appalled at hiring sellswords, and Davos is like well you use black magic ya dickhead and insists that her magic is real and maybe her visions are too but he's never heard of prophecies winning a war: soldiers win wars, but Stannis just hand waves it with "we don't have gold" and then angrily growls about how he won't become a page in someone else's history books and threatens him that if "if my time is running out, your time is running out" uh oh



then Davos visits the lizard princess who tells him he needs to study more because "you won't be a very good Hand if you see the word "knight" and say "ku-niget"" lmaooooo and Davos excuses "that happened once, weeks ago, you're your fathers daughter make no mistake, bloody relentless the both of you" lmaooooo and she condescendingly gives him a new book and tells him children move their lips when they read and he sighs knowing she's right and he's not going to get angry at a 10 year old having been a parent himself and reads "The Life and Adventures of Elyo Grivas: Fist Sword of Bravos" and says "thank you very much" when she gives him a clap and they have a conversation about how he used to be a smuggler and almost got beheaded by the culture in the book which is apparently where (((The Iron Bank))) is and rants about how they can't tell the difference between a pirate and a smuggler but then gets a Brain Blast™ like from House M.D. mid-sentence and starts pacing around thinking and then goes up and just kisses the princess and gets her to write a letter... to (((The Iron Bank))) claiming to be from Stannis, and the girl gets a bit worried, but he insists, oh boy, don't try to jew a jew

then in the nearest town Sam is taking Gilly and lil baby Sam there but when they get to an Inn it's like ye olde Hooters (an extremely cringy and pathetic establishment IRL) where the barmaids have their tits hanging out and a creeper of indeterminate gender starts creeping on the baby and I thiiiink a woman clocks that she's "a fucking wildling?" and we see Sam trying to get her a job for room and food, but only cleaning, and he insists NO other work, despite being offered a cut, he should take the deal she's clearly used to getting fucked lmao, and she looks around sad when he takes her to her shitty, literally, little room but he insists it's for her safety as he can't just stab his own brothers in arms in the back but she accuses him of being selfish and he just awkwardly waddles out leaving her crying

then we cut to a close up of someones arse and it pans up their back to show they're eating out Oberyn's wife who's making out with some female whore as her husband makes out with the new pimp beside her and she takes his head and starts kissing him too and it's filmed in such a way that you don't even know the gender of the person eating her out really and Oberyn teases "so greedy!" and when his wife senses the pimps apprehension he apologizes "I'm sorry, you're lovely, I just never acquired the taste" and Oberyn pretends to take offence but his wife explains "more for you" and as a possibly bisexual or lesbian orgy takes place behind them centred around his wife the pimp asks him "you like both boys and girls? everyone has a preference" which is odd you'd think a gay prostitute and now pimp would know there's bi people but I guess being gay is so on the downlow here people just assume if you're a married man going for a bit of gay play on the side you must be entirely closeted which people still assume to this day that if a man fucks around with men he must not be attracted to women at all and his entire public love life is a total sham or the other way around for either sexes since people are fucking morons and Oberyn poetically says "then everyone is missing half the world's pleasure" and claims the gods made women to delight him, slaps the guys ass, and says this too, so "when it comes to war I fight for Dorn but when it comes to love I don't choose sides" and the pimp jokes "I hope I have your stamina when I'm your age" and Oberyn takes offence again saying "what are you? 25?" and tells him that before he grows old and ugly he needs to make sure he has fucked his full and his wife crawls over him to rant about how he's a prince of Dorn so he'll never run out and he promises "they'll all have to line up behind you"



and then TYWIN MARCHES INTO THE ROOM WITH HIS PERSONAL SOLDIERS and does the "leave us" meme to all his lovers, and I guess it was another woman she was with lmao, and Oberyn offers him a seat and Tywin just cringes and says "no thank you" seeing what was just done on that bed and Oberyn gives his condolences and claims "I don't believe that a child is responsible for the sins of his father... or his grandfather" and asks if he's being interrogated (AM I BEING DETAINED?!?) and Tywin tests him "some believe the King choked" and Oberyn cuts him off speaking fast "and some believe the sky is blue because we live inside the eye of a blue-eyed giant" saying the same meme Robb mentioned before to Bran, so I guess this really is ye olde flatearth conspiracy theory lmao but he assures "the King was poisoned" and Tywin says "I heard you studied poison at the Citadel" and Oberyn makes no attempt to hide "yes, that's why I know" but Tywin isn't one to get played by someone simply acting as if they're being honest and states "your hatred for my family is... rather well-known" and points out how "rather suspicious" as Oberyn puts it his presence is and he inquires "why haven't you thrown me in a dungeon" but Tywin's probably got enough experience seeing people tortured to know if you really want to get to the truth of the matter you have to be smart rather than just beat out whatever the subject thinks you want to hear and questions him about his meeting with Tyrion and Oberyn realizes "you think we conspired together?" and Oberyn marches up to him and says they discussed "the death of my sister" and Tywin tries not to roll his eyes as he asked "and you blame me?" as if he must have a million motherfuckers like him out there whining about him as if he personally killed their family or whatever and from his point of view where people are just numbers to him they could have gotten killed by any other warring Lord especially living the dangerous Game of Thrones high life and Oberyn uncharacteristically methodically says "she was raped and murdered by The Mountain.... The Mountain follows your orders... of course I blame you"



and Tywin smiles and dares "well here I am unarmed and unguarded, should I be concerned?" and Oberyn points out only because he knows he's "a man of reason, if I cut your throat today I'll be drawn and quartered tomorrow" and Tywin cant hides a cheeky look and says "men at war commit all kinds of crimes without their superiors' knowledge" and Oberyn asks "so you deny any involvement in Elia's murder?" and Tywin stares at him with a little smile like just fucking daring him as he pretentiously says "categorically" and Oberyn musters all his will power to play the long game as Tywin just stands there smiling 100% ready to die then and there if that's the winning move in their game of wits that'll let his legacy reign over his but Oberyn backs up and grumbles "I would like to speak to The Mountain" and Tywin quips "I'm sure he would enjoy speaking with you" and when Oberyn talks shit Tywin senses a fun way to resolve this by suggesting "I could arrange for this meeting" but Oberyn already knows "and you want something in return" and Tywin invites him to be the third judge, along with himself and Pycelle, at Tyrion's trial and Oberyn can sense a trap so asks "why?" and Tywin explains that not so along ago the Tyrells were loyal to Renly but are now their strongest allies and is at least making it out to seem like he wants the same for the Martells and invites him to sit on the Small Council too and Oberyn's mind races as he knows it's a trick but can't see the angle and Tywin explains a Wildling army is approaching and there's that Targaryen girl with three dragons so they can do with Dorne's help much to Oberyns amazement and Tywin most likely pretends to confess "we need each other" and promises that if he serves justice to the King's assassins he'll serve justice to Elia's and puts out his hand to shake and Oberyn stares at him like what the fuck, I believe Tyrion's going for the keep your friends close but enemies closer angle here since if it is him that merced his grandson getting to know him will help him uncover it and if he's not well he can be of help... until he's not useful anymore, anyway Oberyn's a good addiction to the cast but I can't help but notice he's kind of the le lecherous smug bi wildcard stereotype where they don't let bi characters just be normal they always have to fuck 9999 people and be extremely cocky about it too as if it's some edgy fashion choice and not just another part of their life that's always been apart of them



then we see Tyrion stuck in a cell that's at least above grounds and not in the underground cave they put Ned in when Podrick comes to visit having tried to smuggle in beer but they took that off him but he did manage to bring him candles, paper and quills, duck sausage, almonds and some hard cheese he hid in his underwear lmao and tells him there's no word from Shae and that his trial will be in a fortnite and tells him he doesn't believe he did it... but still has to ask, and Tyrion denies it reasoning that "I'd like to think that if I were arranging a royal assassination I would arrange it so that I wasn't standing there gawking like a fool when the King died" lmao fair point, and can't really say "that's what he wants you to think" since someone as smart as Tyrion knows first dodgy looking cunt is getting snatched by his ruthless family one way or another and Pod sits down to tell him the bad news that the judges are his father, Pycelle who'll vote however he tells him and then... Oberyn, and Tyrion quips about how his father "never fails to take advantage of a family tragedy" knowing he's up to some scheme to manipulate him and Pod says he's been told to get a list of witnesses from Tyrion much to his surprise they're being that fair to him so his first request is Sansa, but Pod tells him she's missing much to Tyrion's fear that his family got to her so she couldn't defend him and that's the only reason they're letting him have witnesses, and Pod asks "you don't think she..." but Tyrion says she's no assassin and is sure it was set up like this to frame him and his wife's disappearance just makes him seem that much more guilty, hmmmm whatcha up to CIA hmmm, and Tyrion starts wandering around starting the Big Think shit as he works all this out and he warns Pod whoever is behind this will be following him and it might even be his own father, ruling out Cersei since the one thing she wouldn't do is murder her own children so for once he's sure she's innocent "which makes it unique as far as King's Landing murders go" lmao, and he suggests Varys could be his witness but Pod says he's already Cersei's witness, a smart move taking away Tyrion's best ally even if she'll just waste his time on the stand, and Tyrion goes "of course, fetch Bronn, I have a job for him" probably getting him to intimidate Varys or something but Pod says they've banned him from visiting since he's under investigation himself as his accomplice so his fourth idea for someone to see is at least his brother, lis at Jaime being his last option, and as Pod goes to leave he confesses that a strange man offered to knight him if he testified against Tyrion... but he turned it down absolutely fucking based pod getting something else perfect on his first try but Tyrion, ever the hero, ORDERS his squire not to be his witness and get the fuck out of King's Landing and insists this is their farewell, so Podrick holds back his tears and and says "farewell my lord", and Tyrion gives him one last praise "there has never lived a more loyal squire" as the absolute madlad Pod gives him one last nod

then in a very suspicously happy little village where they've gotten the grass to grow over the roofs of their houses a man is happily joking around with his son, yep some fucked up shit is gonna happen, when yep, HE TAKES AN ARROW THROUGH THE HEAD FIRED BY...



YIGRITTE YOU FUCKING WHORE EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 69 lol the sex number!



I guess she really was fucking mad Jon wasn't ride or die for the wildlings despite her big talk about not taking sides and the boy drops to his fathers dead body in tears but his mother runs up and screams for him to hide and as soon as he runs off as THE BALD CANNIBALS BURST THROUGH THE CLOTHES LINE AND ONE SLAMS HIS AXE INTO HER EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 70 AND WE SEE ANOTHER MAN STABBED IN THE BACK EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 71



AS A FLOOD OF BALD CANNIBALS AND GINGER NUT AND HIS WILDLINGS POUR INTO THE IDYLLIC VILLAGE AND THEY START GRABBING WOMEN TO RAPE EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 72



AS THE LITTLE BOY RUNS FOR HIS FUCKING LIFE AND ONE OF THE FARMERS TRIES TO DEFEND HIMSELF WITH A HOE BUT GINGER NUT EFFORTLESSLY HACKS THROUGH HIM EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 73



AND YIGRITTE PUTS AN ARROW IN A FARMER THAT WAS TRYING TO HIT GINGER NUT WITH HIS WALKING STICK AND GINGER NUT SLITS HIS THROAT EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 74



AND I CANT KEEP UP WITH THE EDGE OF KILLING ALL THESE CIVILIANS AS GINGER NUT AND YIGRITTE GO ON A RAMPAGE SO I'LL JUST GIVE THEM A WHOLE EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 75 AND THE BOY HIDES UNDER A CHICKEN COOK AND STARES IN HORROR AS YIGRITTE PULLS HER BLADE OUT OF HIS NEIGHBOUR



BUT HE'S SUDDENLY PULLED OUT BY ONE OF THE BIG BALD FUCKERS AND TAKEN TO THEIR LEADER WHO SNIFFS HIM AND ASKS "YOU KNOW HOW TO GET TO CASTLE BLACK?" AND THE BOY CRUNCHES HIS FACE TIGHT AND WHIMPERS "Y-YES" SO THE CANNIBAL PICKS HIM UP AND TAKES HIM BACK TO WHERE HE RAN FROM WHERE HIS MEN ARE BEHEADING HIS PARENTS



AND PUTS HIS KNIFE TO HIS THROAT AND MURMURS INTO HIS EAR "WERE THOSE YOUR PARENTS? OPEN YOUR EYES! I'M GOING TO EAT THEM, DO YOU HEAR ME? I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR DEAD MAMA... AND I'M GONNA EAT YOUR DEAD PAPA... GO TELL THE CROWS AT CASTLE BLACK" OOOOH THE EEEEEEEDGE EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 76



letting the boy run off towards The Wall alright I think that was the edgiest sequence so far since most of the violence has been between soldiers or at least people who got themselves into trouble in some unfair not just completely random civilians and instantly makes Yigritte and Ginger nut extremely unsympathetic, hopefully Jon does like Sam and ditches the thots for his MGTOW lifestyle and mercs her, also there was some dank ass music that was playing during that that was like some horror war drum shit

then at the Black Castle or Castle Black or whatever MGTOW central is some guy is ranting "we need to teach them a lesson about the way we deal with their kind, three dozen bodies with slit throats tossed offa top of the Wall semes like that would be a good lesson" and the bald commander guy looks shook as hell like he's not ready for combat and the asshole CO does the Justin Trudeau meme of "if you kill your enemies, they win" by saying "if we go after them we'll be giving them what they want, they want to draw us out and prick us off a few at a time" and the blind Targ man warns "we have just over 100 men and that's including stewards and builders... and me" and Pyp whines they need to protect them so the CO asks Lord Jon Snow condescendingly saying he's the hero of the common people but everyone in the hall actually does turn to listen to him as they've heard of his bravery and respect him more than their official leaders and Jon just growls "Mance Rayder is coming.......... if the Wildlings breach The Wall, they'll roll over everything and everyone for 1000 miles before they reach an army that can stop them" and everyone bricks it and the CO agrees "we need to sure up Castle Black and we need to defend The Wall, that is our job" but then they all hear a horn blow.... and sit there terrified of a second or gods forbid a third, but it's just the one, for rangers returning, and some survivors from the quest come through the gate with one of them joking to Jon "thought you'd have blue eyes by now" and they explain that they were held in chains by the mutineers at Craster's keep who refuse to leave since they have his food... and girls and one of them remarks "poor girls, never thought they'd miss their daddy?" that's a lotta rape but I'm only counting like named characters we know have doing rapes and another explains Karl's running things since he killed Craster, wow nice wacky fantasy name there GRRM and Jon declares "we need to ride North and kill them all" but the CO refuses and Jon says "I told the Wildlings we had over 1000 men at Castle Black alone" I forget did he actually let me check, oh ok he did, and they actually thought he was UNDERestimating, smart move I guess so they don't just immediately zerg rush them, and Jon points out "Karl and the other know the truth as well as we do" oh fuck if they spill the tea to Mance it's over "even if each of us kills 100 Wildlings thee's nothing we can do" and Pyp nervously swallows and says "I don't think I can kill 100 Wildlings" huh I guess Tywin should maybe, you know, send some fucking reinforcements if he knows about this situation, but then again, maybe he'd love to see them fuck up the North so that the Greyjoys and Bolton's are weakened and begging him to save them

then with Dany, uh oh, time for the big stupid Dany cliffhanger, as we see her army marh upon a big city with this time more Aztec looking pyramids with a massive with that has a tiny little thing on top that must be their huge harpy statue



and the guards of the city look down from the walls at her 8K Unsullied falling into their ranks in front of their big walls as Dany rides up to some big ass sexy statues and the free people of the city gather to look down at her and when the front gates open Dany dopey asks "are they attacking?" uh I think you'd know if they were attacking from being shot in the fucking head by an arrow since you're standing in the open under their walls you Mary Sue but Jorah notes "a single rider, the champion of Meereen, they want you to send your own rider against him" yeah just tell him to fuck off lmao but then this guy gets off his horse as his city folk yell down in Valyrian but I swear it sounds like Gungan I heard a "meesa meesa!" in there as this guy starts doing... the CIA pose... and Dany asks "what's he doing?" and Barry says "I believe he means to..." and we see THE CHAMPION TAKES OUT HIS PENIS AND STARTS PISSING EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 77 this show is so fucking dumb sometimes lmao



and Dany sighs at how gross dumb boys are and the city all laugh hysterically and Missy translates the speech that was poorly depicted as coming from the champion "he says that we are an army of men... without man parts, he claims you are no woman at all but a man who...... hides his cock in his own arsehole" hahahahahahahaahahahah and Barry tells her to ignore him but Jorah is concerned half the city she intends to take is listening and the champion keeps ranting at her and Dany decides "I have something to say to the people of Meereen, but first I need this one to be quiet" uh oooooooooooooooh, would have been funny if she just had him shot down with arrows since she obviously doesn't negotiate with slavers but that would make too much sense for a Dany storyline oh no no no so as the man keeps screaming obscenities at her in the distance Grey Worm volunteers as her champion but Dany can't risk her leader of the Unsullied, and Barry claims "I've won more single combat than any man alive" "which is why he must remain by my side" Dany decides and Jorah volunteers, ever the orbiter, but Dany says he's her dearest friend... which leaves Daario (unless Missy wants to volunteer... wait... Dany'll just send her dragons wont she? lmao) who extremely uncharacteristically because the new actor is really really boring volunteers which Dany accepts as she sees even the slaves have arrived at the wall and I guess she wants them to see she understands their culture (that's treated them like property) and then the champions squire hands him a jousting javelin thing and runs off as fast as he can as his master gets ready to charge and Dany is like "uh horses are faster than men" but Daario standing there on his own two feet boasts "horses are dumber than men" yeah not you mate



as he just stands there as this mounted warrior charges at him full speed and Daario just looks gormlessly at Dany, holy fuck this new actor is shit, I wish the old actor was here, and everyone bricks it as if Daario is committing suicide or something but he just casually takes out a knife, kisses it and DAARIO THROWS THE KNIFE STRAIGHT INTO THE HORSES EYESOCKET



MAKING IT FLIP OVER AND SENDING THE CHAMPION FLOPPING TO HIS KNEES IN FRONT OF HIM FOR HIM TO CASULLY DECAPITATE HIM



AND DRAMATICALLY TWIRL HIS SICKLE AS THE CAMERA DRAMATICALLY ZOOMS IN ON HIM SMILING TO AN IMPRESSED DANY yeah exactly the kind of retarded, over the top, extremely unlikely anime bullshit I expect from Dany's storyline



and the whole city gasps in shock and the guards all fire their bows planting arrows in front of Daario as warning shots and DAARIO JUST TAKES OUT HIS PENIS AND STARTS PISSING ON THE GROUND EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 78 WHAT A FUCKING MEME MACHINE



and the crowd are all stunned and Dany steps up to introduce herself and give her speech (where her fucking lips and eyebrows are going fucking apeshit like they are trying to escape from her face holy shit, maybe they're hoping you don't notice since you're reading subtitles due to her speaking a fake language lmao) "your masters may have told you lies about me or they may have told you nothing, it does not matter, I have nothing to say to them, I speak only to you... first I went to Astapor, those who were slaves in Astapor now stand behind me... free... next I went to Yunkai, those who were slaves in Yunkai now stand behind me... free... now I have come to Meereen... I am not your enemy, your enemy is beside you, your enemy steals and murders your children, your enemy has nothing for you but chains and suffering and commands, I did not bring you commands, I bring you a choice and I bring your enemies what they deserve... forward!"



and orders her men to push forward huge catapults and she orders "FIRE!" as some dank ass war drums start up and they launch a bunch of barrels up that break off the walls and rain down... all her freed slaves collars and chains, right, epic, now what if the catapults undershot and hit the slaves lmao? also a better idea would be to do this cag but with swords for the slaves to pick up lmao but the final shot is just a slaveman looking down at an opened collar and then he looks back at his master who looks at him nervously hmmm ebin, very ebin, except you know, if the slaves had the numbers to rebel they probably would have sine they are usually kept in a minority to purposefully avoid this sort of situation but ok duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude





Game of Thrones 4x04: "Oathkeeper"
fookin legend special edition
First aired: April 27, 2014

ok I'm falling behind already so I'm going to need to speedrun a few scenes *cracks neck* here we go we open on Missy teaching Grey Worm how to speak Engli-sorry, the Common Tongue and he carries out a conversation with her about when she was first abducted into slavery when they burnt down her village and they look deep into each others eyes with compassion both being through the same thing but Grey Worm insists he doesn't want to go home because his mission is now "kill the masters" wokeness levels rising and he tells Dany in broken Eng- Common "she is teacher good my Queen" but It's Time as she sends... a bunch of Unsullied disguised as slaves? to break open the gates to their sewers and sneak inside and I thought they had brought a lighter in or something but no it's just Grey Worm using flint rocks to light everyone's torches as they fill up their tunnel systems and then in a big underground room the slaves are discussing if they can trust Dany or not and if they can really beat their masters and when the older slaves say they've seen failed rebellions before that just end with them dead Grey Worm appears and does the "all men must die" meme but tells them "a single day of freedom is worth a thousand days in chains" hell yeah brother and then he tells them he's Unsullied but now follows Dany "The Breaker of Chains" but the older slaves say of course he can fight back but his men are not soldiers and Grey Worm and his brothers just toss down bags full of blades for them awwww shit nibba and tells them "there are three slaves for every master in this city" ok I'm sure this will end well and not end in innocent people dying



and then at dusk a master is walking with guards when he finds KILL THE MASTERS painted in some... red... substance on a wall and when he looks up he sees... a flag flying on the top of the great pyramid? and then they see a bunch of slaves jobbing towards them and brick it but everywhere they turn it's another angry crowd of slaves coming at them and THEY STAB THE MASTER TO DEATH



and then we cut to Dany walking through a crowd throwing their chains down to her as freed children surround her and they all call out "mother" in their language for her as she gets a big happy grin and as she looks down at the captive rich cunts, who I'm sure all personally owned and abused slaves, as she asks Jorah "how many children did the Great Masters nail to mileposts?" and he reminds her "163" so she just looks at Grey Worm, who nods at one of his men, who starts marching the masters away and Barry tells her "this is your city now, all these people, they're your subjects now... sometimes it is better to answer injustice with mercy" but Dany ever the edgequeen says "I will answer injustice with JUSTICE" brilliant diplomacy skills as always and then we cut to THE MASTERS BEING CRUCIFIED TO SIGN POSTS FOR DANY'S OWN "WALK OF PUNISHMENT"



AS SHE LOOKS OUT OVER THE CITY AS IT'S FILLED WITH WAILS OF AGONY! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 79



and we get a scary shot panning away from Dany of her overlooking her new city while we see the flag that was flown over the Great Pyramid's statue was... the Targaryen dragon sigil, guess she takes after her father very well, so.... her SIXTH civlization she's commandeered this time by..... giving a speech........ absolutely.... frokin..... ebin....



then we cut to Jaime sparing with Bronn again with him having improved greatly and now able to spin his sword around in his left hand and defend against any attacks to his right but as soon as Jaime gets cocky and thinks he's got Bronn beat in strength BRONN SIMPLY TAKES JAIME'S GOLDEN HAND OFF AND SLAPS HIM WITH IT LMAOOOOO and Jaime cant believe it but Bronn just explains what happened and tosses it back to him and as Jaime straps it back on he chides "you're a rare talent... when you're fighting cripples anyway" so Bronn talks shit about how he's sure he didn't fight fair when he stabbed the Mad King in the back and Jaime just asks "you talk to my brother this way?" and Bronn says "all the time, he got used to it" and then they talk about the allegations against Tyrion with Bronn assuring him that he's not a murderer and suggests he goes to see him but Jaime goes to leave in a huff so Bronn tells him that when they first met Tyrion actually suggested that Jaime fight for him in trial by combat because he knew he'd do anything to defend him, so why doesn't he prove it now, and it works in guilting him into it



and we see him visiting Tyrion's cell trying to cheer him up by saying his captivity was way worse and he asks how their sister is and Jaime, since this is taking place in a parallel universe of shit writing where he didn't just fucking rape her, says "how do you think she feels? her son just died in her arms" and Tyrion asks "her son?" but Jaime wants that can of worms staying closed and just begs "don't" and moves the topic onto his trial and Tyrion laments how everyone thinks he's guilty, one of his judges has wished him dead more times than he can count... and that judge is his father lmao and also worries that Cersei is just going to have him killed before his trial and Jaime admits she asked (thankfully he turned the tables and RAPED her oh wait no they just had consenting sex sorry muh authorial intent) and Tyrion memes "so should I turn around and close my eyes?" and Jaime just asks "depends? did you do it" seemingly very serious as maybe he cared for Joffrey after all and Tyrion taunts "Kingslayers, the two of us, I like it... you really asking me if I killed your son?" and Jaime just fires back "you really asking if I'd kill my bother?" probably actually asking that since he seemed to not care much about Tyrion before his misadventures but now realizes how lucky he is to have this one good guy in his family and when Tyrion doesn't reply as he knows Jaime wouldn't Jaime is glad to see that and offers to help only for his brother to suggest "well you could set me free?" but Jaime actually moralfags that he can't kill the guards as he's commander of the Kingsguard and Tyrion makes a good meme "sorry I'd hate for you to do something INAPPROPRIATE" lmaoooo but Jaime refuses to commit treason, probably bias towards Cersei again after having very well written consensual sex, and Tyrion laments how the real killer could turn himself in and prove his guilt and Cersei would still insist his head on a pike and Jaime warns Sansa's too and Tyrion catches his implication and insists she couldn't be the killer but Jaime argues her clear motivations and suspicious escape

then speaking of which we see Sansa on CIA's boat looking anxiously out the window and he comes down to explain she's marrying his aunt and she'll be safe with her and she looks super relieved she's not kidnapping her off to his dungeon or some shit but then she has to ask if he killed Joffrey and CIA gets a cheeky grin and insists "me? I've been in the Vail for weeks" and Sansa accuses him and he's like "and who helped me with this conspiracy?" and Sansa suggests the Jester... but then deduces he's too smart to trust a drunk, much to CIA's enjoyment that she's catching on how the Game of Throes™ is played and suggests "perhaps it was your husband?" but Sansa insists he's innocent and CIA reveals "you're right, he wasn't involved in Joffrey's death... but you were" wh-what? and he explains "do you remember that lovely necklace Dontos gave you? I don't suppose you noticed that a stone was missing after the feast?" oh shit! and Sansa realizes "the poison? I don't... understand... the Lannisters gave you wealth, power, Joffrey made you the Lord of Harrenhall!" and CIA quips "a man with no motive is a man no one suspects! always keeps your foes confused, if they don't know who you are or what you want, they cant know what you plan to do next" wait, this is too easy, and yeah, Sansa calls his bluff "I don't believe you, if they catch you they'll put your head on a spike just like my father's, you'd risk that just to confuse them?" thinking he is basically doing this



although I don't think that's what he was saying, they're already confused from not knowing his true intentions and it's just his motive is not known to them like everyone else under suspicions are, but it's still BS, like why would he care enough about her to reveal this, especially so soon if he's grooming her to be his accomplice in schemes or something when she's so naive, but I think she's on the right track as CIA says "so many men, they risk so little, they spend their lives avoiding danger... and then they die, I'd risk everything to get what I want" and creepily puts his hand on her shoulder and smiles Sansa asks "and what do you want" and he gets a twinkly in his angry incel eye as he says "EVERYTHING... my friendship with the Lannisters was productive, but Joffrey... a vicious boy with a crown on his head is not a reliably ally and who could trust a friend like that?" and Sansa fires back "who'd want friends like you?" and CIA studies her face for a bit and launches into his next spiel of bullshit "I don't want friends like me, my new friends are predictable, very reasonable people, as for what happened to Joffrey uh that was something my new friends wanted very badly, nothing like a thoughtful gift to make a new friendship grow strong"



and then we transfer with CIA still speaking to Lady Tyrell and Marg walking through the gardens, maybe implying that yeah, Marg was in on his epic plan from last season, and maybe Lady Tyrell was too, and helped epic ruseing Varys into epic ruseing Tywin into arranging those other two weddings, and maybe it was just that Marg's actress is a bit stiff lmao but she seemed to not be that panicked when Joffrey died and it was Lady Tyrell who first noted that he was in trouble, so maybe the masterplan was that since Marg didn't really want to marry Joffrey they merc him but still have their family tied to the Lannisters with Cersei/Loras and I know from pedos on /tv/ being happy about it that Marg gets signed up to marry Tommen so maybe that was the end-goal for them so she's still Queen, although they talked in private and they didn't seem to be conspiring, but as Lady Tyrell said they can't speak freely even just with her so maybe they were just keeping up appearances even then just in case there's some servant boy hiding around from Varys, anyway it seems granny is leaving King's Landing since she doesn't care for trials and she's sick of these fucking gardens lmao, maybe a shout-out to how certain characters are always stuck in the same sets for entire seasons, and yeah here we go, Lady Tyrell asks if she's been to see Tommen yet who's only like fucking 10 but she says no and doesn't even know if the Lannister's agreed to it, and granny reveals she was never even meant to marry her grandfather, she was to be wed to a Targ, but she couldn't stand his "little ferret face and ludicrous silver hair" so she seduced her sisters husband-to-be and tells her nostalgically "and all he wanted was what I had given him the night before, I was good! I was very very good!" and takes her granddaughters hand and tells him "but you are better, but you need to act quicker, Cersei may be vicious but she's not stupid, she'll turn the boy against you as soon as she can, and by the time you're married it'll be too late, but luckily for you the Queen reagent is rather distracted at the moment... mourning her dear departed boy!" hmmmmmmmmmmmmm and she seems to know "accusing her brother of murder, which he didn't commit!" hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm and Marg says "he could have done" but granny says flippantly "well he could have done but he didn't" and Marg insists "you don't know grandmother" and granny confesses "but I do know, you don't think I'd let you marry that beast, do you?" and Marg cant fucking process this and asks "what? but... I don't understand" and granny just shushes her and tells her "don't you worry yourself about all that, just you do what needs to be done"... and plays with her necklace, maybe the real vector for the poison that CIA mentioned, now was that for real? or just more bullshit like CIA to make her trust her more or be scared of her or something? or are they both telling the truth and they've been playing the Lannister's and Varys since she came to King's Landing? we haven't seen her even talk to CIA but all that shit with Sansa wanting to marry Loras would be some dank shit for her to be involved in too and make it a lot easier for CIA to pull off, and Marg just stares into her grandmothers eyes trying to work out wtf is going on, so I guess she isn't in on it... I guess



then at Castle Black Jon is trying to train his men how to fight Wildlings who often duel wield weapons and the little boy who's village got My Lai'd is even wearing armor as he's taken a crash course in Realism Bitch and this is all he has left, would be dank as fuck if he got to kill that cannibal guy and Jon's storyline is just heroes journey enough to allow it, and the shota insists "I can fight, I was the best archer in my hamlet!" (inb4 he actually does kill the cannibal leader with an arrow) and all the men laugh but he insists "I was!" and a nice lad tells him "I believe you, we'll go hunting for rabbits one day, but for now watch and learn" and he calms down as Jon makes two more spar, with... is that Locke? I don't think so, but he kicks the shit out of his sparring partner so well he knocks him out, and the asshole CO comes down and tells him to stop being useful as he's only a steward and he's to "go find a chamber pot to wash" and Jon walks up to him like he knows how the world works now and would ice this guy if he thought it would help in a heart beat and the CO grumbles "you traitor's bastard, give me an excuse, Mormont's not here to protect you now" and Jon can see this dudes a pussy not realizing it's well into bitch killing time and thinks he'd even have a chance to order anything against him and walks off and the bald CO guy warns him that Jon's far more popular than him and he has the backing of the blind measter so maybe he should reconsider Jon's idea of marching back on Craster's keep... not because he's right, but hoping the mutineers will take care of him so he doesn't do his own mutiny, and the guy I mistook for Locke makes smalltalk with him about being a bastard and oh... it IS Locke, ooooh yeeeaaaaaah Roose sent him up there find the Stark boys, hopefully he doesn't get wind that Sam knows, sorry I forgot that Jon's storyline wasn't taking place in another continuity lmao and he memes about how he came up out of "a sense of duty" which is true in a way but then tells a fake story about getting in trouble for being a game warden and stealing a prize bird to feed his kids and manipulates Jon by taking shit about his CO enemy too

then we see Cersei pouring a glass of wine to cope with being raped oh no no sorry cope with relapsing into having consensual sex with her brother when a guard knocks on her door to no answer and then opens and she rolls her eyes at being called Your Grace and asks "how many Kingsguards are posed outside Tommen's door?" but it's ah actually Jaime and he tells her the knight on duty and Cersei immediately kicks up the bitching, which would read a bit differently if I didn't know that obvious rape scene wasn't meant to be a rape scene "so one? you have one man guarding the future King? the way you protected Joffrey? why did Catlyn Stark set you free? I've been wondering for months ever since that great COW brought you back to the capital, why did she set you free?" and Jaime doesn't like her implication and says "you know why, she thought I'd send her daughters back to her" and Cersei struggles to get out of her chair she's so drunk and grills him "she thought or you promised?" and Jaime admits that's what he swore but as if it was just bullshitting and Cersei accuses "so you made a sacred vow with the enemy?" and Jaime says "I wanted to get back to you" huh that would be read very differently if, you know... and Jaime insists he has no loyalty to dead Caitlyn and Cersei starts whining with watering eyes "so if I told you to leave the capital right now and find Sansa if I told you to find that murderous little BITCH and bring me her head would you do it?" and Jaime looks at her pokerfaced as he can tell her paranoia has gotten so bad she even suspects him and doesn't reply and she keeps going "I know you went to see Tyrion... that CREATURE who murdered our son" and Jaime realizes it's time to talk for his brothers life and looks down dramatically saying "I had to see for myself... he didn't do it Cersei" and Cersei accuses "you've always pitied him! our pooooor little brother, oh abused by the world, despised by his father and sister, he'd kill us all if he could!" and staggers around drinking and demands four men on Tommen and when Jaime tries to reply she just orders "that'll be all Lord Commander!" as if they have no relationship anymore, wow that would be really interesting... if that rape scene had happened... but ya know.... shit writing so it's simply Cersei hating herself for giving into her weakness and trying to exploit Jaime to do something horrible for her now that he's relapsed into some of his old ways, just not too badly so he obviously won't do it so there's no tention, nice ruined characters btw



and then we see Tommen trying to get to sleep in it seems Joffrey's old room when he looks up at that creepy old boar's head that still has the crossbow bolt his late brother put through it and gets even more unnerved and when he hears a door squealing he asks for his guard... but there's no answer... and a shape from out of the darkness comes... Marg, and Tommen asks how he got past the guard and she says "Kingsguard" not sure what that means and he points out "I.... don't think you're supposed to be here, mother doesn't allow me to have visitors after dark" and she lights a candle next to him and says in her silky voice "I'm not a visitor Your Grave, word has it I'm to be your bride" and Tommen looks up innocently at her like the whole world is just confusing to him and she realizes his immaturity now she sees his reaction and starts talking to him more like the pre-pubescent boy he is acting friendly and telling him the fun trivia "did you know that people in arranged marriages often never meet until their wedding day? before we decide to spend the rest of our lives together we ought to get to know one another don't you think?" and Tommen's confused as to all this new information and falls back on "yes but if my mother found out-" but Marg, literally and unironically grooming this poor boy, says "it can be our secret, hmm?" and gives him a cheeky smirk and jokes "if we're to be husband and wife we'll have a few secrets from her, I hope" but he's only like 10 and unless he learned a lot from Tywin explaining him the birds and the bees, which I imagine goes like him paying to have a prostitute raped in front of him or something, he doesn't get her joke and when she sees him just staring wide-eyed at her she whispers "so... Your Grace... " and he awkwardly croaks "yes?" and she whispers "tell me a secret" and he swallows nervously at this weird woman sitting on his bed when he's saved by A CAT JUMPING UP and Marg strokes the pussy, no not like that, talking to the kitty and he introduces him "that's Ser Pounce" and Marg says "he's very hansom" and Tommen opens up that "Joffrey didn't like him, he threatened to skin him alive... mix his innards up in my food, so I wouldn't know I was eating him", christ, and stares off upset at how badly his brother treated him and Marg gets uncomfortable as she remembers how close she came to having to deal with that for the rest of her life and what a dangerous fucking family she's messing around with and Marg comforts him "that's very cruel.... you don't strike me as cruel" and Tommen sits there trying to work through all his confusing thoughts and says "no... I don't think I am" as the cat scurries away and Marg says "that's a relief... because you know what happens when we marry?" and Tommen smiles, figuring this woman seems nice enough and maybe he can have a normal life now, and happily chirps "we say our vows in front of the High Septon and after the ceremony there's a feast!" but Marg interrupts and explains with a laugh "when we marry I become yours... forever!" and Tommen stares at her with saucer eyes like he can tell that's probably something important and Marg sighs and says "it's getting late... I should go, may I come and visit you again?" and Tommen smiles and nods and Marg puts her face right up to his and whispers "remember... our... little... secret" and Tommen just stares into her eyes bewildered as to wtf is going on and she leans in as if she's going to kiss him on the lips for a split second and then instead kisses him on the foreheads and slinks out of the room with him looking after her in confusion and Tommen rolls over more relaxed uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that was a fucking weiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiird scene and I'm not sure I like where this is going, GRRM get your fucking hands out of your pants when writing scenes with kids right fucking now



then we see Brie hanging out with Jaime and she's reading his entry in the history of the Kingsguard book and he says it's his duty to fill those pages "and there's still room left in mine" as he dramatically picks up his cool new sword with a siiiiiing that never happens when you touch a real sword and he tries to balance it on his golden hand, barely managing it, as he hands it to Brie, and she realizes "Varlyrian steel" and he says "it's yours" and when she refuses in shock he grumbles "it was reforged from Ned Stark's sword, you'll use it to defend Ned Stark's daughter, you swore an oath to return the Stark girls to their mother, Lady Stark's dead, Arya's probably dead too, but there's still a chance to find Sansa and get her somewhere safe" and Brie nods eager to take on another heroic mission and Jaime takes a deep breath as he's officially going against his sisters wishes for the first time (another scene that would be very different to read if... you know... the whole having just fucking RAPED her thing) and adds "I've got something else for you" and unveils A BADASS AS FUCK NEW DARK GREY SUIT OF ARMOR and he tells her "I hope I got your measurements right" and Brie caresses it gasping at how much it means to her to have his respect as a fellow knight and promises "I'll find her, for Lady Catlyn" and awkwardly adds "and for you" and Jaime struggles to control his emotions, knowing he could never be worthy of loving such a good person as Brie, but adds "ah I almost forgot"



and we cut to PODRICK with a huge smile on his face that he gets to keep adventuring and Brie insists "I don't need a squire" uh excuse me this is Pod the madlad we're talking about and poor Pods face drops as she insists "he'll slow me down" and Jaime explains Pod's situation framing it as valiantly protecting a boy in need and Pod promises cheerily "I won't slow you down ser" and Brie looks offended that he misgendered her and Pod realizes his mistake, isn't sure what to call a female knight and tries "...my lady..." which makes her glare even worse and Pod just tries "I promise I'll serve you well" and Jaime just shrugs and goes "see? he's a good lad, you'll get along" and Brie just gives in and then Bronn pats Pod on the back and gives him "compliments from Lord Tyrion, his axe from the Blackwater" and when Pod hesitates he just thrusts it into his arms and says "what are you waiting for? a kiss? ready the lady's horse" so he rushes off to work and Jaime smiles to his only friend in the world, which is really cute they stayed together after their journey, and banters with her about naming her new sword but she's not really in the mood but still suggests seriously "Oathkeeper" and Jaime looks at her super sad like he knows when she leaves he'll be on his own spiritually and will probably just sink back into the Lannister ways without her good influence, and it'll almost be like he's saying goodbye to the possibility of becoming a better version of himself, and she gets it too and tries to stop from tearing up and just nods and marches off before she starts crying, and Jaime steels himself seemingly deciding that he can do it himself, but maybe also knowing he has to send her away for her own safety so Cersei doesn't go after her to get to him or some shit, again another scene that would be very interesting to read as Jaime doing this in light of having just committed RAPE because he'd know for sure he was definitely saying goodbye to any chance of improving as a person



then Sam and Jon are arguing about going to get Gilly back now the surrounding area is getting raided by Wildlings but Jon reminds him that Sam stopped him from fleeing to help Robb and he restrained himself from running after Bran once Sam told him and Sam worries that the boys might run into Wildlings up there but Jon says they're all with Mance now which only leaves them to run into.. Craster's keep, and then Locke summons them to see the dickhead CO guy who tells them they're allowed to go to Craster's, but only him and whoever volunteers, he won't be ordering any of the men, and Jon steps down and his friend bangs his cup to get their attention as he nervously announces his mission to arrest or kill the mutineers 60 miles North before Mance can get to them and when he gets no reply he brings up avenging Commander Mormond but no one replies to that either and even the little boy from the hamlet looks down depressed that this place is truly fucked but then Jon's friend stands up... and his other friend... the two dudes who tried to nice him when he first arrived... and then another man, and another, and another, and more, with Locke realizing this is his best chance probably overhearing their convo about Bran but Jon says he's just a recruit so Locke says he'll say his vows because he knows to fight and the asshole CO gives his permission with the bald guy getting rustled he got so many volunteers

then we cut to Crastor's keep where the lead mutineer guy, who is surprisingly not the more aggressive bully guy, is DRINKING WINE FROM A CUP MADE OF MORMONT'S SKULL! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 80



and all around the place are Craster's beaten and cowering daughters as in the background we hear one begging for mercy as men grope her christ and Karl has clearly gone off the deep end and is talking to the skull asking it "any orders Lord Commander? whats that? fuck em till they're dead?" as he watches one of his men shove a naked girl over and START RAPING HER ON-SCREEN AS HER TITS FLAP ABOUT, OK, THATS AN EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 81 and since it's on-screen I'll give him a KARL'S MUTINEER +1 CRASTER'S DAUGHTERWIFE (DOGY STYLE RAPE)



and Karl growls at Rast, the bully guy, who's kissing on one of the girls backs but he doesnt reply so he tosses some meat at him and orders him to go "feed the beast", I presume poor ghost, and Rast just says "we should kill that thing" and Karl growls out a rambling run on sentence of insults (he'd probably like my threads) "you should SHUT YOUR FUCKING HOLE ugly little CUNT you look like a FUCKING BALLSACK ugly look at your stupid CUNT FACE I could piss in any gutter and soak five of you" and he keeps on ranting in a drunken word salad as one of his men pins down and rapes a girl in the background for KARL'S 2ND MUTINEER +1 CRASTER'S DAUGHTERWIFE (MISSIONARY STYLE RAPE)



"you know how much they paid me to kill a man in King's Landing? seven silvers... they told me a man's name and that man never saw daylight again none of them COCKSUCKERS got away from me" and struggles to step up and slurs to the clearly fuming with rage Rast "haven't lost a fight since I was nine... maybe it's time? what do you think? eh? maybe you're the man? eh... CUNT?" and Rast stuffs all the rage down and says "I wouldn't stand a chance, none of us would" and the ex-hitman keeps ranting "I was a fucking legend in Gin Alley... a FOOKIN LEGEND I would take any knight ANY KNIGHT any time you fucking cunts in steel plate FUCKING COWARDS"



and a woman walks in with a mewlying baby, uh oh, that's going in a fire isn't it, and the women all start chanting "a gift for the gods" uh ooooh it's a baby boooooy and the mutineers don't know the protocol and Karl asks "what the fuck is that?" and an older woman says "Craster's last child, a boy" and Karl slurs "what am I supposed to do with it? what did Craster do with them? kill em before they could grow up and do the same to him? all right!" and he takes out his knife and comes at the baby "hand him over, dont need another mouth to feed" like it's nothing but the woman sighs like even this evil cunt isn't the worst of it out here "he didn't kill them... he offered them... to the gods" and Karl realizes "the White Walkers" and all the women start chanting "a gift to the gods" over and over again until Karl tells them to "shut up! so... if it worked for him... lets give the Walkers what they want" and takes the baby to... Rast, and tells him "Rasters heading that way" and Rest begrudgingly walks out into the frozen dark tundra with the baby and looks around not sure what to do so just puts it down on the ground and looks at him like this is even too messed up for him but puts a blanket over it's face so he doesn't have to look at it and walks away but the baby wriggles out of it and starts crying being left there in the frozen snow, then when Rast walks back to the homestead he sees, yep, ghost, locked in a cage, and tells her she's a "pink-eyed fuck" and taunts her with water, drinking it in front of her and pouring it out, and she stands there growling at him and staring at the water on the ground and when she realizes he's not giving any to her she jumps up against the cages causing Rast to leap back screaming "fuck!" and then... crows start squawking.... and he looks around for them but they sound like they're everywhere... and then he looks down at the water he poured out freezing super fast right in front of him, and he fucking bricks it and goes running off



then we cut to Hodor being woken up by the sound of... a baby crying near by, and the teens wake up and realize it's coming closer, and Bran says "I'm going out there" and they say "no we need to stay together" but that's not what he meant, he Wargs into his direwolf Summer and sends her running off towards the sound and she/he hears Ghost howling from her or his I forgets cage but as Bran goes to investigate Summer suddenly falls into some sort of hole in the ground, probably a trap for hunting or security, and Bran sits up with a fright as he loses his wi-fi signal and he explains what happened

then the next morning the Special Needs Squad spying on the keep trying to figure out why the Night's Watch have Jon's wolf in a cage and they see some more sexual assaults much to the sisters horror and being the most mature one there tells the boys "they're not Nigth's Watch anymore, it's not safe, we need to go now" but dumbass Bran refuses to leave without his wolf and her brother nods that he's right at least for the sake of their mission so she does the very telegraphed meme of walking away while looking back at them talking when obviously when she turns around something's going to happen and yep ONE OF THE MEN BUTTS HER IN THE FACE WITH HIS SWORDS HILT and Hodor stands up yelping "hodor!" but he's surrounded by other men pointing their swords up at this big tall chunky bastard and then we cut to



THE MUTINEERS HAVE PUT HODOR ON A CHAIN AND ARE FORCING HIM TO DANCE AROUND AS THE JAB AT THEM WITH THEIR WEAPONS AS THEY LAUGH AND CALL HIM A "FUCKING DISGRACE" that's gonna be a EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 82 for abusing a mentally disabled man and one of them stabs him in the leg and he topples over groaning "hodor! hodoooor" looking in horror at the blood on his hands and Rast remands him "if I was your size I'd be king of the fucking world!" as the other men laugh at him cowering on the ground



then inside the cabin they have the teens lined up in front of Karl who walks by Jojen or whatever his name is who looks extremely sweaty like he's sick and he inspects Bran's coat realizing he's highborn from it's quality and Bran just stares at him like he's barely registering this is real and KARL SLAPS BRAN telling hi "see... where I come from, commoner like me slaps a little lord like you, I'd lose me right hand, but we're a long way from home aren't we?" and starts on the siblings trying to deduce what their deal is being up here and Jojen looks like he's about to fucking slip into a coma at any second so he starts on his sister groping her hair growling "I like yer hair, my mum had curls like that, beautiful brown curls" and Bran realizes it's about bitch raping time as Karl questions her about bran and tells them "see you haven't played this game before? highborn hostage! that's valuable, but three of them... that's a lot of mouths to feed" as he takes out a knife but Jojen collapses and starts having a seizure and he's like "fucks wrong with him?" and grabs his sister away from him and puts his knife to his throat and uses the opportunity to force them to doxx themselves and Bran gives in and reveals his name and Rast realizes "Jon Snow's brother" so he lets the girl attend to her brother who's ODing on Warging I guess and Karl puts his knife away remarking "and I thought this was gonna be another boring day"



and then out in the snowstorm we see... A WHITE WALKER RIDING A ZOMBIE HORSE... HOLDING THE BABY BOY WHO LOOKS UP AT HIM WITH HIS BLURRY UNFOCUSED NEWBORN VISION...



and they reach a huge mountain surrounded by surreal creepy eery Northern Lights as they slowly trot out across a frozen lake to some big icicles jutting up from the ground and the White Walker places the baby down in the centre ontop of an icy table that's remarkable for it's sparseness and minimilism compared to how cluttered with everyday items or decorations every other set or location is since I guess this culture doesn't exactly need much uh living expenses and only creates art out of dead people and as a figure approaches from a line of other figures it looks like... maybe the figure from Bran's vision... ah yes... looking down through the ice at the baby.... the figure picks it up... and the baby looks up to see



THE WHITE WALKER K_I_N_G TOUCHING HIM....



AND CONVERTING HIM INTO ONE OF THEM!!! ah so that's who they do it I guess, they need at least one of their powerful members to touch them, but if he's doing it to a baby I guess they still age and they don't need to be dead, maybe it's like dead people and animals can be reanimated by any of them but to convert the living only the King can do it and then that baby can grow up to be some super powerful hybrid like him or something, because if it was only the King then that's the easy solution, nuke the fuck outta him and case closed, ok, well that's me officially over half-way through the show, 34 episodes down.... 33 to go....





Game of Thrones 4x05: "First of His Name"
The Chad CIA special edition
First aired: May 4, 2014

we open on Tommen's coronation in some new religious location as the priest guy gives a huge big speech to their gods and gives Tommen his new titles as everyone says "long may he reign" and applauds him with Marg and Tywin specifically looking especially happy about it, then after, oh it was just in the Iron Throne room was it idk my brain is melting from too much GoT, Pycelle is doing the old man act up to Tommen on the throne to give him his blessings and Varys is talking to Tywin which I hope we get to see a 1 on 1 or should I say 1v1 scene with them and we see Marg smiling at Tommen and he smiles back at her thinking he's made a new friend but then suddenly CERSEI pops up into the frame like the fucking shark in Jaws or some shit and glares at her and she looks away pretending nothing was happening which would usually seem bitchy but she's kind of right I get weird pedo vibes from Marg lmao and then we see Cersei creeping up on Marg and she just stands next to her like she could snap her fucking neck at any second and Marg tries to be polite about Tommen's coronation but it's super awkward and Cersei seems to pick up how uncomfortable Marg is and is like disappointed she's not stronger willed so she could get a vibe off of her that she was involved with Joffrey's death but unfortunately she's coming off as innocent to her so she starts creepily feeling her dress that I guess is some funeral attire and asks "you still mourn for Joffrey?" and Marg bullshits "he was my husband, my king" but Cersei just bludgeons her with the truth "he would have been your nightmare" and Marg looks at her not knowing how to play nice and charm a woman who at both loved and hated her dead son and she tries to play dumb but Cersei calls her out "you knew exactly what he was... I did too, you never love anything in the world the way you love your first child, doesn't matter what they do, and what he did it shocked me, do you think I'm easily shocked? the things he did shocked me" so was Cersei aware of his little killing a prostitute adventure or just his general killing people on a whim problem? and Marg doesn't know what the fuck to say for once as Cersei starts saying that a decent boy like Tommen, probably from not being raised to assume he'll be King all his life so becoming extremely entitled and subconsciously resentful, "might be the first man who sits on that throne in 50 years to actually deserve it" and Marg tries to push Cersei's buttons saying it would be a consolation for all the horror that put him there and Cersei rolls her eyes as she forces her bitterness down to do the right thing for her son as she adds "he will need help if he's going to rule well, a mother is not enough" and forces a smile to her and asks "you're still interested in being queen I take it" and when Marg keeps playing dumb "ugh after all that's happened?" Cersei stares at her like this ungrateful fucking cunt wont be honest with her when she's forcing herself to play nice and give her what she obviously wants and Marg bullshits about having to speak to her father and Cersei just goes "yes, speak to your father, I'll speak to mine" as a wee threat and Marg tries to lighten the mood by saying "we may be faced by an alarming number of weddings soon, I won't even know what to call you! sister? or mother?" giving her an obnoxious smirk purposefully violating Cersei's threat against her not to call her mother AND pointing out she's far older than her and Cersei just looks off as if she's had it way worse just observing her than whatever she could do to purposefully offend her, would make an interesting scene to read knowing nothings going to make Cersei feel worse than getting raped by her own brother but ya knooooooooooow shit writing



then we see Dany hearing the news about Joffrey that makes her smile and Daario boasts of the Second Sons, who I don't even think we've seen on-screen yet, taking the Meereen navy but Dany chews him out on his presumptive action and Dany asks if the 9300 men her 93 new ships could carry could take King's Landing but Jorah says the Lannister's have more but Barry assures they're tired and dispersed from the recent war and 8K Unsullied and 2K Second Sons might be enough for a sneak attack and Dany gives Jorah a cheeky eyebrow cock but he looks anxious as if he simply enjoys roaming around Essos liberating slave cities with her and doesn't really want her to become Queen as he's probably insecure she'd move on from him and not need his help anymore and he tries to says that 10K men might be able to take KL but not Westeros with Barry thinking the old houses will back her but Jorah says only if they think she'll win and then as if he secretly relishes having to keep her busy in Essos with him he tells them that without the Unsullied in Yunkai the Wis Masters have retaken control of the city, oh, what's this, consequences? c-cant be, "they've re-enslaved the freedmen who stayed behind and sworn to take revenge against you... and in Astapor the council you installed to rule the city has been overthrown by a butcher named Cleon who's declared himself His Imperial Majesty" and Dany looks shook and asks "please leave me" with Grey Worm being the first to go as he's so conditioned to follow orders and everyone else obeys the "leave us" meme as she keeps Jorah behind, uh oh, I assume she's onto his feelings of wishing to stay out there with her indefinitely, and she says playing dumb, I assume, "it seems my liberation of Salvery's Bay isn't going quite as planned" and Jorah says, knowing she won't take it, "you could sail for Westeros and leave it all behind, a boy sits on the Iron Throne, a boy many believe to be a bastard with no right to" and Dany notes he counselled her against rashness in Qarth and when she didn't listen it didn't work out well and he chuckles at their misfortunes but she says seriously "how can I rule Westeros if I can't control Slavery's Bay? why should anyone trust me? why should anyone follow me?" YEAH REALLY MAKES YOU FUCKING THINK DOESN'T IT THOT and Jorah sucks up to her but Dany realizes "I need to be more than that, I will not let those I freed slide back into chains, I will not sail for Westeos, I will do what Queens do... I will rule" so I guess this is her realizing, after 4 fucking seasons of doing so, that she can't just roam around creating power vacuums in violent societies and expect it to end well, nice you finally had that Brain Blast™ m'lady



then we see CIA and Sansa walking up to a guard with falling bird on his shield and he looks around seeing guards aiming bows at them so warns Sansa to pull up her hood so she can't be ID'd by her hair or maybe hinting at the guards wanting to rape her just to get her scared and he points out the Hot Gates of Thermopylae style great placement of the castle where no matter how big your army you're still only attacking the main gate three men wide by having to go up this narrow crevasse so it's never been overcome which is probably why he covets this castle so much and it fits into what he thinks of himself "know your strengths and use them wisely and one man can be worth ten thousand" and he introduces himself to the guard but lies who Sansa is in case they get any funny ideas of selling them out to the capital or something



then we finally see Cat's crazy sister again and the little zoomer prince is back who wakes up from still sleeping on his mothers lap, hopefully not still breast feeding, and he runs up yelling "uncle peter!" wait sorry petyr and hugs him and CIA gives him a glass bird toy much to the zoomers amusement, seems like CIA's trying to easy angle of making the kid love him so his mother will be more likely to accept him as his step-father, and Sansa goes to introduce herself, maybe with a fake name, but Aryn says she knows who she is and is glad she's here and hugs her niece, this being the first time they ever met, but she warns her she cant call her Aunt in front of anyone, since it is a sceret she's here, so the capital don't think they helped with the ol Joffrey going purple episode, and Aryn claims the Lannister's are out to get them which might just be paranoia CIA tells her and the zoomer prince asks Sansa "mummy said they killed your mother and they chopped off your brother's head?" and Sansa awkwardly confirms it along with Ned and he just sighs "they killed my father too, with poison, I wanted to make the little Lannister baby man fly hah! but mother said I couldn't" making it seem like the clearly sheltered kid doesn't understand the situation fully but doesn't like the Lannister's either for seemingly mercing his dad, and maybe he's not just a complete shithead but wanted revenge on Tyrion specifically, and Sansa asks "make him fly?" and the kid explains "through the moon door" and then HE TOSSES THE TOY BIRD OFF THE MOUNTAIN LMAO, they should really put a fucking rail around that or something that kids gonna fall in one day little shit and his mother laments "and on top of all that they made you marry that filthy troll" and Sansa tries to explain Tyrion didn't want to but Aryn asks if Tyrion raped her and when she says no she's relieved and then she does the dumb thing of entrusting her clearly underdeveloped son that this is his cousin but he's not allowed to call her that or her name in front of anyone else, as if he'll understand or remember, and she sends little Robin to go show Sansa her chamber



and as soon as they leave woooah baby Aryn immediately throws herself over CIA and makes out with him and says "what took you so long?!" and he boasts about placing Tommen on the throne and extracting Sansa but she's so thirsty she wants to get married tonight without any of the Lords of the Vale because they were all clamouring to marry her but CIA is the only man for her, presume he only loves him because he's so good at manipulating and turned it to seducing such an obviously mentally ill and vulnerable woman but she rants about how much she trusts him and how no other woman would trust him "when you gave me those drops and told me to pour them into Jon's wine, my husband's wine, when you told me to write a letter to Cat telling her it was the Lannister's" HOLY SHIT CIA WAS THE ONE WHO KILLED THE KING'S HAND!!! n-nani?!?! that could mean that... he knew Robb would appoint Ned to replace him and that Ned would investigate to an extent that it'd get him killed? just so he could try to move in on Cat? holy shit, but the Lannister's were clearly acting dodgy about it so maybe he did it on their behalf, but then again it could have been him that had The Mountain kill his squire and not any of them somehow, hell maybe it's like he told Sansa and his main objective was never to fuck Cat but that's just the sad backstory he let people like Varys think they were smart for catching onto when really he just wants "everything" like he said starting off with marrying Sansa so he gets the North and he set all this in motion with Ned knowing it'd probably end with his family being wiped out for him to be able to take Sansa, take the North and then the rest of Westeros, CIA fucking rules, and to shut this dumb bitch up spilling exposition all over the place when there could be eavesdroppers around, other than the camera and sound crew around her, he starts kissing her and tells her "the deed is done, faded into nothing, only speaking of it can make it real" and then promises to marry her that night but talks about at least taking a bath before they call the Septon but lmao she opens the doors and the Septon is already there and CIAs face drops like he was trying to buy time to find a way out of it but she's already telling him "I'm warning you I'm going to SCREAM when my husband makes love to me! I'm going to scream so loud they'll hear me clear across the Narrow Sea" and starts making out with him in front of the priest guy rofl, then at night Sansa lies awake as ARYN KEEPS HER PROMISE AND IS SCREAMING WITH PLEASURE AS CIA FUCKS HER ALL NIGHT LONG LMAOOOOOO NOOOO THAT MEANS HE'S NOT A VIRGIN!!! or he was probably just lying to those whores knowing Varys would hear from them he's saving himself from Cat and thinking he knows his deepest saddest secrets since she implied they fucked before even the show started never mind until after Cat died



then back at KL Twin is talking to his daughter about Tommen's wedding and she requests time for them both to mourn Joffrey and Tywin just says "a fortnight?" as if mourning loss is a foreign concept to him and insists "no jugglers, no jousting dwarfs, no 77-course meals, and your wedding to Loras?" and Cersei freezes up and gives in "a fortnite after" and Tywin tries to actually speak nicely to his daughter "I know you don't like him, I didn't like your husband, used to pat me on the back a lot, I didn't trust him" and Cersei adds "I didn't trust him either" looking suspiciously at her father being so candid but here comes the euphoric 48 Laws of Power life lesson shit "you don't need to make formal alliances with people you trust" and when Cersei asks "then who can we trust?" Tywin gets uncomfortable and stands up realizing he made the mistake of opening up to even his own daughter and insists "ourselves alone" and as he pours her a glass of wine without her asking as if... he encourages her heavy drinking knowing it keeps her easier to control with her wits dulled like Roose says and explains to her they need the Tyrells for their resources since "war swallows gold like a pit in the earth" and does the shit he was doing to Tommen where he gives her a POP QUIZ HOTSHOT "do you know how much gold was mined in the Westerlands this past year?" and pushes her to answer until she realizes the answer is ZERO and he confesses how horribly in debt they are to (((the Iron Bank))) and Cersei immediately starts angling at compromising someone in charge but Tywin implies that it's run by so many people they'd just be easily replaced and he explains "we all live in it's shadow and almost none of us know it" literally and unironically like the (((United States Federal Reserve))) lmao that people just assume is a branch of the government but is legally a private corporation that basically rules the world deciding what war happens where to keep the USD in power and he goes on "you cant run from them, you cant cheat them, you cant sway them with excuses, if you owe them money and you don't want to crumble yourself... you pay it back" (top fucking kek at (((money lenders))) being Tywin's final boss) which is why they need the Tyrells, and just admitting the truth works on Cersei who gives into marrying Loras, but then turns it around to talking shit to Tyrion, but Tywin insists he can't discuss the trial, and Cersei just happily says "I respect that, we don't need to discuss it, the Lannister legacy is the only thing that matters, you've started wars to protect this family, turned your back on Jaime for refusing to contribute to it's future, what does Tyrion deserve? for lighting that future on fire?" and Tywin just stares at her like he can tell she's trying to butter him up and manipulate him and doesn't do that worried look people do in this show when someone walks away after saying something manipulative but he does seem like he's thinking about what she said as if she's still checking to see if she's right

then we see Arya doing her edgy revenge mantra that's not yet been updated by Joffrey already being dead but has added Beric, The Read Lady and Thoros to it which makes The Hound perk up as if he knows him but what gets him to tell her to "shut up" is hearing his brother as if he hates thinking about him and when she explains the ritual he approves and says "if we come across my brother... maybe we can both cross a name off our list" and Arya pries "if he were here right now what would you do" and The Hound looks at worried like he knows he'd still be scared of him and want to just run away like a little boy but he just closes his eyes and says "I'd tell him to shut the fuck up so I can get some sleep" lmao but then lets her finish her list and she very edgily says "I'm almost done, only one name left........... THE HOUND" and pretends to go to sleep and he just looks over at her like uhhhhhhhhhhh... sweet dreams lmao

then there's a scene with Aryn and Sansa having dinner and she tells her about how Cat used to like sweets so much she was almost getting fat and had to cut it down to get a good suitor much to her amusement but also her insecurity as she stops eating and Aryn encourages her to keep eating and holds her hands weirdly and starts talking about how much CIA cares for her and Sansa just forces herself to play along knowing she needs this woman's help and she's her only family left but Aryn takes a mood swing and starts grilling her on why CIA cares for her so much getting paranoid and Sansa tries to explain it away but she gets super insecure that he loved Cat more and rants about how she never loved him "she always went for the sweetest thing, your handsome, arrogant, cruel Uncle Brandon, he almost killed Petyr in a duel!" and starts guilting Sansa for taking advantage of CIA ranting psychotically about CIA fucking his whores and demanding to know if she's pregnant and demands to know "what have you let Petyr do to your body? your young pretty body?" as if she just accepts it's inevitable men want to fuck every woman and it's the woman's fault for giving in which is the funnily enough quite misandric ideas behind most misogyny like muslims wanting to keep women covered up because men supposedly literally cannot control themselves and Aryn grips Sansa's hands and shakes her saying she'll know if she lies so Sansa tears up and says she's a virgin and claims CIA calls her what she called herself when speaking to Marg earlier that she's "a stupid little girl with stupid dreams who never learns" to make herself more upset so Aryn will believe he's not interested and it works and she starts cuddling her shushing her saying "it'll all be alright, you'll be a widow soon, they'll execute that dwarf for murdering the King and you'll be free to marry Robin, you'll be the Lady of the Vale" and Sansa stops forcing herself to cry as she realizes she's not free of being married off for political games just yet



then with Brie on the road she is frowning as Pod fails to ride his horse, finally something he's bad at, as his beast careens all over the road trying to wander off on her own, and Brie tries to warn him into abandoning her that it'll take weeks to get to The Wall, I guess she has the same idea as Locke that if any of the Stark children survive they might go to their half-brother, but Pod is a dedicated squire who'll never break his oath, but Brie just says she's not a knight or a slaver and is freeing him from his oath, but Pod prides himself in being a good squire and doesn't want people saying he wasn't so refuses, lmao, this is a pretty funny pairing which is some of the best content in the show like odd couples like Brie and Jaime or Arya and The Hound being paired up

speaking of which the big man himself wakes up to find Arya missing and looks around in a hurry stressed out that his payday's done a runner but then he finds that Arya is simply practising her fencing moves with Needle now she has it back by a river and out of nowhere The Hound appears and starts mocking her for "nancing around" and asks "who taught you that shite?" and Arya does the title drop meme for her dead or not dead if he's that shapeshifter assassin guy from Braavos and The Hound mocks "I bet his hair's greasier than Joffrey's cunt!" lovely and mocks her dead mentor for getting killed by Ser Meryn Trant who he claims "any whore boy with a sword could beat three Meryn Trants" and gleefully laughs in her face when she defends him saying he only had a wooden sword and just when she looks like she's about to attack him he invites her to show him what he taught her and Arya cockily spins her sword around and The Hound mocks her teacher one last time so she DRIVES NEEDLE INTO THE HOUNDS CHEST... TO NO EFFECT AS IT'S BLOCKED BY HIS ARMOR, AND HE JUST LIGHTLY BACKHANDS HER ONTO THE GROUND AND TAKES HER SWORD LMAO and explains that her friend's dead and Trant isn't because he had armor and a sword as if that's just the brutal reality of how life works and then gives her Needle back and struts off having happily crushed her dreams that her flowery martial arts dancing routines mean shit in the real world, which is true and I've never seen anyone use any martial arts effectively in a real street fight video before other than maybe judo in literally one video where a woman hip throws a stronger man and that's only useful to allow her to run away from him if you really want to train to fight the best seems to be boxing actually since it trains you to avoid getting punched in the head while doing that to other people which is the best thing you can do outside of having a weapon or being lucky to be the physically bigger one who can throw their weight around and maybe MMA for restraining someone who's just acting up but in real life if it's a serious fight you'll just get kicked in the head by his mate or stabbed with their knife you didn't see or something trying to do an armbar on the ground



then by the lily pond in KL Cersei and some Lannister soldiers approach Oberyn who's writing some poetry and she takes him for a walk he notes he can't refuse and she agrees and she asks who the poem is for and he says one of his EIGHT daughters and he says "the fifth is difficult, I named her after my sister Elia, but I cant say it without turning sad, and when I grow sad I turn angry" trying to put the pressure on her but Cersei turns it back around on him "perhaps that's why she's so difficult? the god's love their stupid jokes don't they? you're a prince of Dorne, a legendary fighter, a brilliant man feared throughout Westeros, but you could not save your sister, I'm a Lannister, Queen for 19 years, daughter of the most powerful man alive, but I could not save my son, what good is power if you cannot protect the ones you love?" and Oberyn suggests "we can avenge them" which Cersei likes the sound of and he asks "you really believe Tyrion murdered your son?" and she says "I know he did" and he says "we will have a trial and we will learn the truth" and Cersei says unconvinced "well we'll have a trial anyway" and then starts talking about her daughter, who he threatened, but he erasures her that the last he saw of her she was having fun swimming with two of his daughters, but Cersei doesn't believe him, and he assures her "we don't hurt little girls in Dorne" seemingly actually a quite honerable and good man despite his stabby introduction but Cersei drops the realest shit said so far "EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD THEY HURT LITTLE GIRLS" and just stares at him like you think you're a real nigga try being born female in this world and Oberyn's wise enough to know she's right and just looks out to sea sadly and Cersei asks him to bring her a gift since she missed her nameday and points out to an entire sail boat she's had built for her and she chokes up saying "please tell her her mother misses her very much" and walks off before she cries and Oberyn looks after her like he's surprised he feels sorry for such a bitch



then we cut to Podrick noticing a rabbit on a spit over a fire is GOING UP IN FLAMES and takes it off and starts stamping on it trying to put it out lmao and Brie comes back confused asking "did you remove the skin?" on the rabbit she most likely caught as she finds her squire stamping on their dinner for some fucking reason and he admits "no, my lady" and when Brie asks "have you ever cooked anything for Lord Tyrion?" shocked at his incompetence he shrugs and says "no my lady... that was the cooks" revealing the source of his power: being a squire to a prince in King's Landing is easy lmao, and now he's out in the wilderness he's just a hapless kid again and Brie sighs and drops the sticks she collected and Podrick looks down depressed he's not impressing her and then awkwardly rushes up to help her take off her armor which just pisses her off more as she's so proud of being self-reliant and he tells her all the simple things he did for Tyrion "mostly I poured wine" and when she exasperatedly says "and did you do anything remotely related to combat?" as that's her primary concern and he gets quite and confesses like he's not proud "I killed a man, a Kingsguard, he tried to kill Lord Tyrion at the Blackwater" like it was a very traumatic event for him he's not sure how to feel about and Brie is impressed and asks "how did you kill a Kingsguard?" and says vulnerably "I pushed a spear through the back of his head" and she sits there fiddling with her armor reconsidering her opinion of him and then gets mad at her armor straps and gives in and lets him help her with them, awwwww, I w-want to be Brie's squire :3



then we see Locke spying on fellow shithead Rast who I was going to say is at least just a bully but we see him dragging a girl out into the woods to rape, ok never mind, and he peaks around a tree to see two big lads with axes leaving too so he decides to make his move and sneak into the camp on some MGS stealth mission shit and the sounds of women whimpering as men laugh are all around him and he makes the mistake of brushing past a lantern but he darts off beside the hut that Bran and the autism squad are tied up in who notices the fresh footprints and can tell there's someone sneaking about and Jojen says some weird shit about how Bran cant let anything stop him and that he's "not here, you're far from here" and HE SUDDENLY STARTS HAVING A VISION OF THE OLD WHITE TREE being where they're tied up instead of inside a hut, dude's tripping balls



and he tells Bran that they're only there to guide him as "he's waiting for you, we have to find it, you have to make it" and Bran can tell he's not right and assures him "I will" and Meera asks "how will we know the end" and he looks down at his own hand that he's hallucinating ON FUCKING FIRE and just tells them "you'll know" as if this is what happens to a Warg as he's dying or something



then Locke comes back to Jon and his men to report he counted "eleven men, most already drunk, no guards posted, they don't seem to have a care in the world" but Jon's friend warns him how "Karl was the most well paid cutthroat in Flea Bottom" and Locke just quips "have you seen what I can do with a knife?" well Jaime has heheheh, and then he tells Jon about the dogs, plural, locked up and how they'll need to be fast so they don't smell them which peaks Jon's interest and the mate says "full moon tonight" shame Robb wasn't really a werewolf

then we see Karl at night going to the hut to rape the curly haired sister and his men grab her and string her ropes up on a chain and Bran starts yelling at them to leave her alone and Hodor starts hodoring anxiously and as they struggle to pull her pants down Bran gets more and more angry and Karl walks up to her stroking her hair going "shh shh shh shh, you've got pretty hair don't you?" and basically accuses her of being up there looking for trouble, liking it rough and liking it "in the gutter" which might mean liking poor men or taking it up the arse lmao and Jojen who's been quiet this whole time calmly says "if you let my sister go I can help you, I have the sight, I can see things, things that haven't happened yet" and Karl kneels down and asks "have you seen what I'm going to do to your sister? have you seen what they're going to do to your sister?" and takes out a knife and tells him "dont close your eyes" oh ho ho but Jojen smiles and tells him "I saw you die tonight, I saw your body burn, I saw the snow all and bury your bones"



and Karl looks like he's about to stab him when he hears a man yelling "to arms!" and Rast rushes in whining "they're here, the Night's Watch" and we see JON RUSHING IN SWINGING HIS 500 YEAR OLD SWORD FIGHTING THE MUTINEERS AND ALL THE NIGHTS WATCHMEN FOLLOW HIM INTO A BIG MELEE WITH JON ONLY KILLING WHEN HE HAS TO BUT LOCKE JUST RUNS THROUGH SKEWERING EVERYONE IN HIS WAY



to make sure he gets to Bran first and he starts untying his ropes and asks "are ya Brandon Stark?" but when no one answers but looks around worried to each other he cuts to the chase and LOCKE CUTS BRANS LEG and everyone screams but when he doesn't even notice he realizes oh yeah, must be "the little crippled Lord, we're going for a ride boy" and Bran realizes this is some buuuullshit and starts screaming for "JON! JON!" but Locke covers his mouth and threatens to kill his friends and outside the battle rages on with the Knigths Watchmen easily killing the drunken traitors and Hodor hodors anxiously as Locke picks up Bran but BRAN WARGS INTO HODOR, CALMS HIM DOWN AND PUTS ALL HIS STRENTH INTO PULLING THE HOOK HE'S CHAINED TO OFF THE WALL that Hodor presumably wasn't smart enough to figure out he could do on his own and I guess the meme here is that Hodor's brain damage means his mind is simple enough for there to be space for Bran or something like an animal and he can't control other people... yet, and we see Jon's said fuck it and has started killing these motherfuckers who are clearly not surrendering and as Locke runs off into the woods with our crippled hero BRAN CONTROLS HODORS BODY TO PICK LOCKE UP BY HIS THROAT...



AND SNAP HIS FUCKING NECK!!!!! eat shit motherfucker and then when he drops the warg Hodor looks down horrified at his own hands not understanding what just happened to make him commit such brutality that he'd never do on his own but Bran snaps him out of it telling him to uncut the rope from his hand and then ordering him to go free Jojen and Meera too and Bran crawls over to watch Jon operating like a bad cunt and tries to call to him but Jojen turns up and warns that he won't let him go North and Bran realizes he's right and has to hold his tongue but allows himself some time watching Jon heroically winning his fights until he tells Hodor they need to take Summer with them



then inside Karl killing a Knights Watchmen when... Jon enters Craster's home... and Karl takes a second knife from his latest victims corpse and kicks it over and mockingly bows asking "Lord Stark, you bringing me back for trial?" and starts sharpening his knives off of each other like a butcher and starts twirling them around like V for Vendetta and starts moaning "we had a good thing going here, we were free men... you'll never be free... you'll never know what that's like" and Jon just walks towards him carefully holding his bloodied sword out and then



THEY START SWINGING THEIR BLADES AT EACH OTHER IN A FLURRY OF MOVES AND KARL JUMPS BACK, TWIRLS HIS BLADES AND LAUGHS BEFORE DIVING BACK IN SLASHING HIS KNIVES AT JON WHO STRUGGLES TO BLOCK THEM AND GETS KNOCKED BACK AND KARL MOCKS "YOU LEARN TO FIGHT IN A CASTLE?"



BUT JON LUNGES AT HIM AND KARL DODGES IT AND RAMS HIS KNIFE INTO JON'S LEG AND ASKS "SOME OLD MAN TEACH YOU HOW TO STAND? HOW TO PARRY?" AND TWISTS THE KNIFE IN AND UNLEASHES ANOTHER FLURRY UNTIL HE'S PRESSING JON'S OWN SWORD UP AGAINST HIS FACE AND ASKS "HOW TO FIGHT WITH HONOR?"



BUT JON BUTTS HIM WITH HIS HANDLE AND LUNGES AT HIM AND MANAGES TO GET BEHIND HIM BUT BEFORE HE CAN SLIT HIS THROAT KARL THROWS HIM ONTO THE GROUND AND CHARGES INTO ANOTHER HOLD OF HIS SWORD AND GROWLS "YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH HONOR?"



AND SPITS IN HIS FUCKING EYES AND SWIPES HIS LEGS OUT FROM UNDER HIM AND KICKS HIM OVER AND STEPS ON HIS HAND SO HE CANT GRAB HIS SWORD AND IS ABOUT TO GUT HIM WHEN... HE GETS STABBED IN THE BACK... FROM ONE OF CRASTER'S DAUGHTERS! AND HE'S LIKE "YOU?" AND PULLS THE KNIFE OUT OF HIS OWN BACK AND COMES TOWARDS HER BUT...



JON RAMS HIS SWORD THROUGH THE BACK OF HIS HEAD AND OUT HIS MOUTH!!!!



OH FUCK!!!! SUCK ON THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!



well that was a cool little boss fight but like most of Jon's storyline is a bit stereotypical, e.g. no one in the history of ever has had a conversation mid-fight, but at least they've built up this guy as a scary physical and determined threat and Jon as not perfect so it's still a cool action scene unlike the unrealistic shit that Dany does that is just daft and not exciting, and Jon sensitively asks the daughterwife if she's alright and takes her outside as his friend kills the last mutineer trying to fight him and his other friend tells him they lost five brothers, including Locke, and shows him his neck that's been wrenched so out of place the skin has ripped and asks "what the seven hells could do that to a man?" and Jon maybe thinks of his old friend but then points out he only counts 10 of the 11 mutineers and one of his mates realizes "where's Rast?" and then we see this dumbass has simply run away into the woods and has gotten lost and is completely terrified especially when he finds the wolf cave open and crows squawk around him and he does the meme where he looks one way but turns the other so obviously something will attack him and yep GHOST JUMPS OUT OF NOWHERE AND KILLS HIM LMAOOO that's what he gets for bullying her and Sam



then we see Jon's friend pulling his sword out of a corpse and seeing our white friend come trotting back satisfied with the blood on her mouth and Jon's like "where in the seven hells-come here!" and his wolf trots up, oh yeah it's a boy, and lets him pet her as she stands there happy, but then his mate asks what to do with the daughters, and he tells them "Mance Rayder has an army headed this way and there's worse out here than Mance, come with us to Castle Black, find you work, keep you safe" but the oldest woman says "all due respect ser, Craster beat us and worse, your brother crows beat us and worse, we'll find our own way" and he asks "stay here? in Craster's Keep?" but she spits on the ground and says "burn it to the ground, with all the dead in it" and they all stand there watching it burn, the girls seeing the home they were abused to be destroyed, and the men seeing the place their brothers betrayed them destroyed, pretty swift end to all those antagonists, rip Rast who was kind of a generic bully, rip Karl who made a great impression for the two episodes he was in and rip Locke who it was realism I guess that Jaime'll never see him again but still got a memorable death





Game of Thrones 4x06: "The Laws of Gods and Men"
(((The Iron Bank))) special edition
First aired: May 11, 2014

alright we open with Stannis and Davos on a ship sailing to... some massive roman-style city that has a huge skyscraper style statue you have to sail under it's legs to get through, most likely inspired by the Colossus of Rhodes that historians estimate was about the size of the Statue of Liberty



and inside the city they're anxiously awaiting their meeting and Davos tries to make small talk about how in Essos they have a different sense of time but Stannis is not in the mood so he shuts up and then some big stone doors sliiiide open and three men come in to this very minimalist room and a man smiles and says WELCOME TO (((THE IRON BANK))) oh shit it's the jews and they offer Stannis a seat and he just stands there like an autist not replying and then slowly walks up and stares at the seat, then stares at Davos, and then slowly sits down, and Davos does Stannis his title drop meme and the man simply offers Davos a seat and does Tommen's titledrop memes but Stannis tells him "he is a bastard born of incest" and the ummmm quite uhhhh HOOK NOSED BANKER says "yes, we have heard this story"



and he insists it's true, but the banker repeats Tywin's propaganda that it's just propaganda from Stannis, and he just calls them out as bias since Tywin's their customer, and the banker asks "you believe your blood gives you a claim to our gold?" and for the first time Stannis' eyes light up as he says "more than any man living" and the banker handwaves all their inter-familial drama and says here their books are only filled with numbers "we prefer the stories they tell, less open to interpretation" and asks Stannis his vital statistics, no not his cock size, but his men, which is 4K, and his ships, and before he can meme the banker cuts him off "the ones still afloat, Ser Davos, not at the bottom of Blackwater Bay" as if he knows aaaaaaall the number fiddling tricks cheeky beggars like them like to play, and he admits 32, and the banker asks how much food they produce for their men, and Stannis admits none, and the banker grimaces and says "you can see why these numbers seem unlikely to add up to a happy ending... from our perspective" LMAO STANNIS STORYLINE HINGES ON HIM BEING DECLINED FOR A LOAN FROM HIS BANK BECAUSE HE CANT PAY IT BACK SULISSSS that's life innit mate and he paces around anxiously as the banker talks shit to Davos for being a thief so he drops the um smuggler not a pirate meme and whips out his missing fingers as proof Stannis didn't go easy on him either, but the banker isn't impressed and tells them their war is over, but Davos realizes their game and plays into his autistic numbers obsession by asking how old Tywin is, he answers 67, and he points out when he dies who's in charge, a half-born incest baby? Cersei, who the people hate? Jaime, the Kingslayer? and demands to know who he'll back when Tywin's gone and when the banker avoids it he points to Stannis and says it's his birthright, he's in his prime, he's a tried and tested battle commander and he doesn't just talk about paying people back HE DOES IT as he holds up his fucked up hand



then we see a bath house where the black pirate dude is telling a joke to some white cags under his arms who are finna bouta get BLACKED.COM about a ship captain who wears his red shirt before battle "so that if I am stabbed you will not see me bleed" and the day they see ten pirate ships he asks for his "bring me my brown pants!" the girls answer as they've already heard it all before, wait a fucking second DID THE DEADPOOL MOVIE STEAL THIS DUDES JOKE LMAO? BRAVO THE RETARDED FOX X-MEN MOVIE UNIVERSE!!! and Davos appears to mock him much to the pirates surprise but they shake hands as he introduces his cags but Davos cuts to the chase and insists he set sail with him and when the black dude starts bitching Davos just throws down a packet of cylinders full of very finely crafted coins and busts his balls about giving "the good stuff", ale I guess, or more money, at home with his wife lul



then on based Yara's ship she's reading out Ramsey's edgy troll letter since he is literally ye olde shitposter insulting and threatening their people and boasting about what he did to Theon and his men to all her soldiers to get them riled up as we see Myranda riding Ramsey in their bed and then Yara being rowed ashore by her men as Ramsey grabs his lovers ass as she's in the throws of passion as she's clearly obsessed with him but he just sort of stares at her curiously like she's just another interesting animal to study the responses of and Yara tells her men "they skinned our countrymen and they mutilated my brother! your prince! your prince! everything they've done to him they'e also done to you! as long as they can hurt our prince with impunity the word "ironborn" means nothing!" and we see MYRANDA GRABBING RAMSEY BY THE THROAT WITH BOTH HANDS AS SHE ORGASMS and Ramsey's like woah now we're talkin ok I like this girl more and more



but then outside as a guard listens in to her moans he hears a grappling hook and when he goes to check YARA PUTS AN HANDAXE IN HIS HEAD and her men all swarm over the wall and when guards come out her men grab him and slit his throat we fucking black ops spec ops mission now boiiiii and she grabs a young guard and demands to be taken to Theon in the dungeons but he reveals he's kept in... the dog kennels... in his own dog cage, top kek



then we see Yara being lead by the guard in there telling her which cage but a bell starts to go off announcing her men have been spotted so she says "thank you" and SLITS HIS THROAT and the dogs all starts barking and Reek wakes up and cowers in the corner but when his sister says "we're going home" and busts the lock off his cage he rasps "no! you cant trick me! tell him you couldn't trick me!" and when she says "I'm not tricking you Theon I'm saving you!" he insists "I'm not Theon! I'm Reek! my name is Reek!" so Yara just drags him out as she insists "you're Theon Grejoy!" and Reek, terrified it's one of Ramsey's demented games, which is entirely plausible based on how little his family respects him and what a useless commander his father is that he could force them to play along with him, starts screaming as loud as he can "no! I don't believe her! I know who I am! REEK! LOYAL REEK! GOOD REEK! I'VE ALWAYS BEEN REEK!" in case Ramsey is outside



aaaaand he is! RAMSEY WALKS IN SHIRTLESS COVERED IN ARTERIAL SPRAY to find his favorite pet held by his sister and two guards while three other guards stand in front of them with shields and he has five men of his own behind him as he quips "this is turning into a lovely evening!"



HE RUSHES AT THE IRONBORN PUTTING A MACE IN ONE OF THEIR SHIELDS AND A MELEE BREAKS OUT IN THE KENNELS WITH THE DOGS GOING APESHIT WITH RAMSEY WHACKING THE GUYS SHIELD OVER AND OVER AGAIN



UNTIL HE PUTS HIS KNIFE IN HIS CHEST AND HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY AS THE GUY SWINGS AT HIM BUT IMMEDIATELY STOPS HIMSELF TO STAB HIM IN THE BACK



AND REEK SEES HIS OWNER AND STARTS GOING APESHIT SCREAMING "I'M REEK! LOYAL REEK!" AS HIS SISTER AND A MAN TRY TO HOLD HIM BUT REEK BITES HER HAND SO SHE LETS GO AND RUSHES BACK INTO HIS CUCK CAGE TO COWER



AND A BOTLON SOLDIER TAKES A SWING AT YARA BUT SHE PUTS HER AXE IN HIS BELLY HACKS ANOTHER ONE IN THE SPINE



and the fighting pauses as Ramsey and two of his guys stand around Reeks cage with Yara and two of her guys face off with them and she offers "give me my brother and no more of your men will die" and Ramsey compliments "you've got bigger balls than he ever did!" and slots his knife into his pants and asks "but with those... big balls of yours... how fast can you run?" and takes out a key and... UNLOCKS HIS DOGS CAGE



and then we cut to Yara having to retreat to her rowboats and her man asks "but your brother?" and she assures him "my brothers dead" uhhhhhh right, ok so this is where Ramsey's Gary Stu is starting to show, except the like edgy version where the edgy must prevail rather than the hero, not only is he already lucky enough to be a psychopath born to the Lord of the edgiest House ever in the first place but he's also an extreme master of hand to hand combat despite being a small almost teenager sized man on top of being an expert brainwasher who can reprogram someone with trauma like some ye olde MK ULTRA shit, right, ok, let's do a brief rundown of this scene, it's 6 v 6 but Yara and her men stay with Reek rather than mercing these 6 as fast as they can and obviously in real life this would be more tricky but this is retard TV land where this works so they don't think to just knock Reek out and drag him out he's being so uncooperative, and even though the Ironborn have chainmail and shields and are supposedly the "best killers of the iron islands" they lose the same number as men only wearing leather uniforms with no shields, and even though Ramsey is FUCKING SHIRTLESS no one can touch him, despite him literally standing there laughing like a moron as he comically whacks one Ironborns shield over and over again as there's an Ironborn behind him and beside him never mind the guy with the sword deflecting his predictably blows, why doesn't Yara just throw a fucking axe at this guy who she hates? or at least at the end, when some fucking how Ramsey and his men get between Yara and her men, when for some reason they let Ramsey stand there meming, taking out a key and very slowly and obviously unlocking his dog kennels they do nothing even though his men are behind him and he just put away his weapons and it'd be hugely adventurous for their war effort to take out their enemies most effective enforcer? and then who cares if he lets his dogs out? yeah big dogs are scary when you're unarmed but a human can easily kill a dog if they have a fucking axe and swords and you'd think these guys who are their best killers would have already killed the dogs to stop them from barking anyway never mind it makes no sense that they are getting chased by fucking hunting dogs but... make it all the way back to their boats? wouldn't the castle be flooded with guards looking for them? what a fucking lame resolution, they literally sailed around the entire continent on this spec ops mission to save her brother and just... leave him? because one shirtless autist and two guards let some dogs out their cages? I waited 6 episodes for this? at least mercy kill Reek since he's obviously suffering immensely if you're too useless to extract him, I know it's meant to drive home how hopeless the situation for Reek is that not only has his most obvious chance of freedom failed, his sister trying to save him, but he's so fucked in the head he won't even dare try to leave with his own sister, but that was really fucking contrived and trying hard for making Ramsey seem le ebin badass not to mention the concluding beat that Reek isn't himself after having his fucking penis cut off and being in the custody of a family known to skin people alive some sad twist Yara is realizing and not the blatantly obvious situation she'd find him in which just makes her look fucking moronic even though we've she's been established as the most capable commander the Ironborn have



then there's a scene where Ramsey is using his dog training techniques we saw with him letting them eat the girl they were hunting on Reek where he gives him a reward, with confuses Reek as he's never gotten one, and Ramsey explains "those creatures who came in the night they wanted to take you away and you didn't let them, you remained loyal" and Reek insists "I didn't want them to take me! I was so scared I didn't want-" and Ramsey gets tired of his pathetic pleading expecting this is yet another trick and he's going to be punished so he tells him "yes Reek" and walks up to the terrified twisting man and friendly tells him "it's a bath, for you, remove those rags" and Reek stares in utter confusion at his owner who has to order "now!" as if he's talking to a dog so Reek struggles to take his ratty shirt off revealing... his entire torso is covered in knife scars and his back with lash scars and one of his nipples entirely scared over and Ramsey stares at his body wide eyed as if he's looking upon an intimate lover and he insists "breaches too Reek, take them off" and Reek still managing to feel humiliation takes his pants down and Ramsey gets an almost innocent looking smile as he sees his handy work and then points to the bath tub and Reek limps over to tit not knowing what to do so just hops in and is amazed to be feeling a pleasant sensation but when Ramsey approaches he freezes like a deer in the headlights in case he's doing something wrong by enjoying something and braces himself to be terrorized and starts shaking and twitching as Ramsey sits down and whimpers pathetically as he puts a rag in the water but it's just to clean him and Reek gasps in automatic fear but then confusion as he runs the rag down his back carefully and he asks "do you love me Reek?" and Reek looks up and with seemingly genuine feelings says "yes of course my lord" as if he knows the right response and he's been doing nothing but regulating his thoughts however this man wants him to for a year so loving him is far easier than living in constant terror



and Ramsey goes "good" with a :3 face as if that makes him genuinely happy and he's not just training Reek like a dog so he's even less likely to do a runner and he intensely looks at him and says "because I need you to do something for me, something VERY important, there's a castle you see, some bad men hold this castle, I need your help to take this castle back" and Reek looks confused as to how a dog like him could be of use and murmurs "but how could I..." and Ramsey explains like hes explaining to a kid "I need you to play a role, to pretend to be someone you're not" and Reek curls up terrified it's some sick test and goes with the best option, whatever Ramsey wants, and asks "pretend to be who?" and Ramsey gets a huge psycho smile that what he's about to say is effectively true "Theon Greyjoy" oh boy it's almost like both Reek and Ramsey are extremely important to the Bolton war effort and Yara could have won it for the Ironborn if she'd killed at least one of them oooh wellll, anyway, this scene really drove up the homoerotic subtext and after the illusion was shattered from the Cersei/Jaime consensual-even-though-it's-clearly-not-sex-scene that these writers know what the fuck they are doing I would choose to read into this interaction that since Reek is clearly a psychopath, doesn't get any approval at all from his father other than what he can withhold to manipulate him and doesn't seem to actually care that much about his girlfriend this is the closest relationship he has to a fulfilling one, he'll never genuinely connect with another human being, so this is his version of emotional intimacy, to completely and utterly control someone else until he's in charge of their every thought and feeling, and he actually feels close to Reek almost like a romance where their emotions are intertwined in a fucked up way since he's had the most fun with him than anyone else, and since he has zero empathy Reek being fucking miserable obviously is no deterrent but half the enjoyment, which is truly tragic in a deeply unsympathetic way if that's the intention and it's not just le crazy man le acts le gay and it would also get my fucking dick hard if Ramsey and Myranda would only switch place so I could fap to these scenes pretending to be Reek as my ultimate porn, but unfortunately I am cursed with being straight



anyway then we see some young goat hearder walking with his goats to a river and they feast on the grass as he casually tosses rocks in and presumably his father is there too bringing more goats along when the boy hears one of his rocks hit something odd and he looks down and fucking bricks it as THE BLACK-RED DRAGON COMES FLYING UP FROM THE CLIFF, NOW WITH ITS BODY THE SIZE OF A FUCKING CAR



AND ROARS AT THE BOY BEFORE LAYING DOWN FIRE ON THE GOATS SO IT CAN EASILY SCOOP ONE UP AND FLY OFF INTO THE HILLS



jesus fucking christ, that scared me, and also another interesting take on how a dragon would hunt, obviously if it had fire breath it could use that to easily instakill it's prey for quickly acquiring it, then in Meereen the adult herder has gotten a meeting with Dany who is sitting inside a throne room at the top of the Great Pyramid and Missy gives her absolutely insane title drop meme and Dany assures him "don't be afraid my friend" and he slowly walks forward and explains through Missy what her dragons did and lays down a sack of his heards bones and says he has nothing now so Dany says through her that she'll compensate him their value three times over so the man gives his thank yous, packs up his sheep bones and scurries off, not going to be so easy when they eat a fucking person your pets kill you daft cunt, then some higher class twat turns up, who I guess survived the kill your masters fad, and tries to butter her up with compliments and she forces a smile for him as he talks about how his father was a great architect who built all the great land marks in the city and she politely says she'd be honored to meet him and he says "you have, Your Grace... YOU CRUCIFIED HIM" oooh awkwaaaaaaard and Dany's expression turns to horror as if she didn't realize... you know... the people she horrifically tortured to death might have familys and this man bravely says "I pray you'll never live to see a member of your family treated so cruelly" lmao this bitch let her own brother have his brain melted by molten gold



and Dany gets super defensive and whines "your father crucified innocent children" and the man replies "my father spoke out AGAINST crucifying those children, he decried it as a criminal act but was over ruled, is it justice to answer one crime with another?" I'm glad Dany is finally getting some consequences, or at least seeing them, for her retarded actions but this just points out how fucking unhinged she is that she didn't give seconds thought to fucking crucifying 637 people or whatever the number was and is now shook to meet their sons, like it's either really really shit writing or she's literally schizophrenic like her father and doesn't understand how reality functions, and she autistically says "I am sorry you no longer have a father but my treatment of the masters was no crime, you'd be wise to remember that!" and the man assures her "what is done is done, you are the queen and I am a servant of Meereen, a servant who does not wish to see its traditions eradicated" and Dany looks concerned that this guy seems so sympathetic but worries hes talking about slavery or some shit but he explains "of funeral rite, proper burial in the Temple of the Graces, my father and 162 noble Meereenese are still nailed to those posts, carrion for vultures, rotting in the sun" and Dany looks super shook at the prospect of having to admit her victims were loved and he gets down on his knees and begs "Your Grace I asked that you order these men taken down so that they might receive proper burials" and Dany whines back like she's going to cry "and what of the slave children these NOBLE Meereenese crucified? they were rotting in the sun as well, would you have begged me for their right to a proper burial?" and this guy is a good debater and concedes "Your Grace, I cannot defend the actions of the masters I can only speak to you as a son who loved my father, let me take his body down, let me take his body to the temple and bury him with dignity so that he may find peace in the next world" so Dany gives in and lets him bury his father so he steps down respectfully leaving her already emotionally drained and she feebly asks "how many more?" and Missy says "there are 212 supplicants waiting Your Grace" and she cant fucking believe it, despite ruling over a city of what must be at least a million people and having left behind 3 other cities of probably the same amount in chaos, what an insane thot lmao also I noticed the one Dothraki guard there lmao why are they even still there, the last Dothraki character was like her handmaiden, I think? who she merced in Qarth, if this storyline wasn't total fanfiction a good thing would be that there is a main character from each group she conquers, but there's no Dothraki speaking roles and the slaves from Yunkai have no representation, we never saw what happened to their King and neither do the slaves from here but maybe that rich guy will make a reappearance to add some variety to this dumb shit



then at Oberyn's first Small Council meeting he is already bored and bothering Varys, Pycelle and Marg's father who claims he's the Master of Ships now as Cersei paces around nervously almost as if she's thinking about something bad that happened to her recently hmmmm but I guess it's something else since this is the alternate dimension and when Tywin turns up Mace Tyrell tries to thank him but he just completely ignores him as he's a useless baaaaaytuuuh maaaaaale he just talks over him about how the trial is today so they need to be brief and Varys tells him that The Hound has been spotted and Oberyn perks up as that's the brother of his arch nemesis and Cersei just handwaves him "a coward and a traitor" but Varys updates that he's slaughtered five of their soldiers "I believe the phrase "fuck the king" was uttered" and suggests a 10 silver stag bounty for him, haven't caught on to what the currency in Westeros is yet I assume this is better than gold dragons but maybe not, but Tywin makes it 100, then Varys updates him on Dany occupying Meereen, her current forces, advisers and, of course, dragons, and Cersei tries to handwave them as "baby dragons" and Pycelle asks if Jorah is still /ourguy/ but Varys tells them he's devoted to her now, thus is the power of the beta orbiter, I'm sure that'll come out to Dany at some stage to be a big drama that he used to spy on her, and that Barry seems to have a grudge against them, who Cersei insults as a useless old man, but Tywin says "Joffrey didn't die on his watch, dismissing him was as insulting as it was stupid" and Cersei refuses to care about "a child halfway across the world" but Varys does and Oberyn sighs as he's actually finding himself contributing to his enemies efforts and agrees, warning them of the Unsullied power (but less so in the bedroom, lmao) and Tywin dismisses "dragons haven't won a war in 300 years, armies win them all the time, she must be dealt with" and Pycelle asks how but Tywin gets Varys to send his birds into Meereen and then he sends Mace to get him quill and paper who rushes off to do so as if he's just a servant lmao but he keeps his chin up trying to maintain his dignity

then we see Varys looking almost lonely as he stares at the Iron Throne by himself without CIA there who took the banter a bit too far and isn't his epic master plan buddy anymore and it seems like they have filled the throneroom up with furniture for the trial to take place there, intense, and Oberyn walks in who talks to Varys about how he's not actually a Lord... yet everyone calls him that and he just shrugs his shoulders like he can't apologize for being a Real Nigga and then starts grilling him about his time in Essos and Oberyn claims he spent five years there just to live his life to the fullest and not live and die in the same town he was born in like everyone else and Varys points out that everyone else isn't a prince as he probably resents all these rich cunts who think they're special for doing whatever they want when it's just accident of birth and it's that no one else can afford to and Oberyn chuckles and then clocks him as from Essos ... Lys to be specific, much to Varys surprise since he claims to have lost his accent, but Oberyn "has an ear for that as well" and he starts teasing Varys for not sharing his origins but he says he only tells people he trusts, which I guess means he trusts Tyrion if that story was even true, and he invites Varys to meet his (primary) lover and have some fun with their boys, asking if he liked boys before... but Varys just shakes his head as he stares this guy down trying to get inside his head, with Oberyn playing it off as just making assumptions based on his effeminate mannerisms but also trying to needle him for insecurities and regrets and details on his loss, but Varys adds "I was never interested in girls either" and the proudly bi Oberyn looks confused "what then? everyone is interested in something" and Varys calmly says "nothing, when I see what desire does to people, what it's done to this country, I am very glad to have no part in it" and Oberyn looks shook as he realizes this guy is talking mad shit about what he's based his entire life around and is probably right as that's the drive that's probably going to get him killed in this city, and while you could read this as Varys saying he's asexual I think it's more that he was castrated before he hit puberty so never had any sexual urgers which maybe explains his whole lifestyle and life mission, as a coping mechanism for having that taken from him, she he's become a very aloof person focused on the greater good rather than the interpersonal drama of sexual and family life to try to feel like he's better off, and he pushes on Oberyn being the insecure one now "beside, the absence of desire leaves one free to peruse other things" and he asks "such as?" and Varys just looks at the Iron Throne like what's poppin fam? dis how we do and casually walks off leaving Oberyn amazed that he, the great lover and adventurer, just got out-alpha-dogged by a eunuch



then we see Jaime anxiously looking through Tyrion's new cell door and when he walks in in his full Kingsguard armor Tyrion memes "let me guess, I've been pardoned?" but then the other guards put him in handcuffs and he's like "really?" and Jaime sadly tells him "father's orders" and Tyrion quips "well... we mustn't disappoint father"... and then we see him being marched by the guards into the throneroom that's packed full of the most influential family's on the benches and Tommen is on the Iron Throne with his grandfather beside him with a stand for Tyrion to defend himself from and a man in the audience calls "kingslayer!" but not at Jaime for once as the guards cuff Tyrion to the stand so he can't try to do a runner and then Tommen awkwardly stands up after a look from his grandfather causing everyone else to stand up as the trial begins... A DEADLY JUDGEMENT... A DEADLY DECEPTION... A DEADLY BETRAYAL... A DEADLY RIDDLE, A DEADLY DEFENCE, A DEADLY FAITH... A DEADLY... ROYAL TRIAL!!! (yes that is an anime visual novel reference gas me)



and the first epic powermove of the day is as the 10 year old King gives his tittle drop memes and TOMMEN RECUSES HIMSELF FROM THE TRIAL AND APPOINTS TYWIN AS HIS JUDGE! wait I guess that wasn't an epic twist as we already knew he'd be judge along with Oberyn and Mace, but someone in the crowd gasped so I guess it wasn't public knowledge and they thought Tyrion would be debating a 10 year old lmao, and he finishes his statement with "if found guilty... may the gods punish the accused" with everyone knowing what that really means and then Tommen just walks out the room with his bodyguards as Jaime gives him a nod that he did well and everyone sits down as Tywin, Oberyn and Mace sit down, and Tyrion starts off by saying "Tyrion of House Lannister, the Queen Reagent has accused you of Regicide, did you kill King Joffrey?" and Tyrion shrugs and says "no" and Tywin can tell his son is already trying to get under his skin acting like a flippant fool and adds already rustled "did your wife Lady Sansa?" and Tyrion rolls his eyes and says "not that I know of" and Tywin starts fishing for mistakes from his son seeing if he reveals too much information he shouldn't know or some such "how would you say he died then?" and Tyrion jokes "choked on his pigeon pie?" and Jaime looks at him shocked like he's not taking this seriously and Tywin steels himself against his sons provocations and asks "so you'd blame the bakers?" and Tyrion moans "or the pigeons, just leave me out of it" and the crowd murmurs at his insolence and Tywin hollers "the crown may call it's first witness!" and Joffrey's head bodyguard gets up on an auxiliary stand and gives his testimony about the day of the riot and how "the imp rounded on him, he slapped the king across the face and he called him a vicious idiot and a fool" as the crowd gasps at the drama that goes on behind the scenes they never hear about and he goes on about how he threatened him on these very steps calling him a halfwit, suggested he meet the same fate as the Mad King and threatened to have the bodyguard killed, all true lmao, and Tyrion, who's now sitting in his stand as if he knows this is all a sham and they'll find him guilty one way or another, yells "oh why don't you tell them what Joffrey was doing? pointing a loaded crossbow at Sansa Stark while you tore her clothes and beat her?" and Tyrion screams "SILENCE! you will not speak unless called upon" and dismisses Ser Meryn who gives Tyrion an evil glance but both those events happened in front of groups of other staff so it'd probably just make things worse if Tyrion tried to deny them



and then Pycelle takes the witness stand and reads out "Basilisk venom, widow's blood, wolfsbane, essense of nightshade, sweetsleep, tears of Lys, demon's dance, blindeye" and Oberyn makes him stop listing the poisons he has but Pycelle makes his point "HAD, Ser Oberyn, my stores were plundered!" and Tywin asks "by whom?" and uuuuuuh ooooooh Pycelle turns to his small enemy and drops "the accused, Tyrion Lannister, after he had me falsely imprisoned!" and Tywin asks "Grand Maester, you examined King Joffrey's corpse, was it without question poison that killed him?" and Pycelle insists "without question!" and the crowd gasps as Pycelle takes out from his slevee... Sansa's necklace! and says "this was found on the body of Dontos Hollard, the king's fool, he was last seen spiriting Sansa Stark, the wife of the accused, away from the feast, she wore this necklace the day of the wedding, residue of the most rare and terrible poison was found inside" n-nani?! last we saw it CIA destroyed it on his ship, which means he purposefully placed it on his body and then had the body dumped where it would be found near the capital, which might not mean that that wasn't really the method of assassination and that he wasn't really involved, but it probably means he's framing Tyrion since he's one of his biggest rivals and the easiest fall guy, and obviously everyone will suspect him even more if it was his wife's necklace that did it, and Tywin asks "is this one of the poisons stolen from your store?" and Pycelle reveals "it was, the strangler, a poison few in the Seven Kingdoms possess, and used to strike down the most noble child the gods ever put on this good Earth!" as he glares at Tyrion finally getting his revenge for him fucking him about and imprisoning him and the crowd all gasps, also interesting side-note I guess they call their planet Earth too



and Jaime looks despondent as he realizes his brother is dying tonight, and then it's oh boo hoo hoo Cersei's turn on the witness stand testifying as to Tyrion's edgy threat against her, which would be an interesting testimony to read if she'd just been raped by her other brother as she'd have even more motivation to kill Tyrion besides thinking he really did it, to hurt her rapist who she was just pointing out how he pities their brother, but oooh welll and Mace, the dumbass brainlet who can't keep track of all these layers of bias and lies, asked shocked "your own brother said this to you?" as his own playnice family would never say something like that to each others faces and Cersei tears up and claims it was because she was confronting over his plans to put Joffrey on the front lines which everyone knows is true too so it makes it look like he's been trying to get Joffrey killed for ages, and then says their argument was over him taking whores to his office, which everyone also probably knows is true, and Tyrion looks down mad as he knows she's got him, and Mace thanks her for her testimony as Marg and Loras look annoyed at what a fucking idiot their father is falling for her careful manipulations



and then it's time for... Varys to take the stand who is testifying on Tyrion's threat to Joffrey at the Small Council meeting when he called him a monster and Varys frames it as Tyrion being angry that Robb Stark died, "perhaps his marriage to Sansa Stark made him more sympathetic to the Northern cause" and the crowd gasps in appalled surprised to hear this may not just be an interpersonal dispute but a political betrayal for their enemies and Tyrion mad dogs Varys who's throwing him under the bus, or carriage in this setting, hmmm what's going on here, I supposed Varys knows he's doomed so he might as well make sure Tywin keeps thinking he's completely loyal to him, who excuses him, but Tyrion asks to be able to ask the witness one question, and his father allows him "one" so he starts on Varys "you once said that without me this city would have faced certain defeat, you said the histories would never mention me but you would not forget, have you forgotten, Lord Varys?" and Vays smiles to him sympathetically and assures him "sadly, my Lord, I never forget a thing" and then bows to the king, making it seem to the public that he's testifying against him over some rivalry, but really I think he's trying to tell him he still respects him, or perhaps has some plan up his sleeve to save his ass as he really does consider him important for the well being of the greater good, and Tyrion looks after him hoping it's the latter, and then Tywin adjourns the trial and clears the court to be resumed in an hours time, and Cersei gives Jaime an angry look and he rushes to leave, another thing that would be better to read with a bit of the ol rape but whatever



and then Jaime speaks to Tywin as he rushes to eat his lunch "you'd condemn your own son to death?" but he's playing it like he's neutral and says "I've condemned no one, the trial is not over" and Jaime calls out "this isn't a trial this is a farce, Cersei has manipulated everything and you know it" as she's probably got most of these witnesses under her control, we know she does Pycelle at least from him being the first to fail Tyrion's quest and her being so easily threatened by her at the wedding feast, and Tywin insists "I've know nothing of the sort" and his son accuses "you've always hated Tyrion" and it gets to Tywin who raises his voice "he killed his king!" and Jaime yells back "as did I! do you know the last order the Mad King gave me? to bring me your head! I saved your life so you could murder my brother?" and Tywin just ignores that and claims "it wont be murder it'll be justice, I'm performing my sworn duty as Hand of the King if Tyrion is found guilty he will be punished accordingly" and Jaime forces him to face "he'll be executed" but Tywin yells "no he'll be punished accordingly!" as he tries to keep from emotionally accepting what's going to happen and Jaime can sense his weakness for the first time in his life and pounces "once you said "family is what lives on - all that lives on", you told me about a dynasty that would last 1000 years, what happens to your dynasty when Tyrion dies? I'm a Kingsguard, forbidden by oath to carry on the family line" presumably as a security method so no one can kidnap his kids and force him to betray his duty and Tywin growls "I'm well aware of your oath" and Jaime keeps pushing "what happens to your name? who carries the lion banner into future battles? your nephews? LANCEL Lannister? others who's names I don't even remember?" ultralis if Lancel ends up King, and Tywin fires back "what happens to my dynasty if I spare the life of my grandson's killer?" and Jaime plays his hand "it survives... THROUGH ME, I'll resign from the Kingsguard, take my place as son and heir, if you let Tyrion live" and Tywin instantly says "DONE" and Jaime cant believe it's that easy and Tywin says "when the testimony's concluded and a guilty verdict rendered Tyrion will be given a chance to speak, he'll plead for mercy, I'll allow him to join the Night's Watch, in three days time he'll depart for Castle Black and live out the rest of his days on The Wall, you'll remove your white cloak immediately to assume your rightful place at Casterly rock, you will marry a suitable woman and father children named Lannister and you'll never turn your back on your family again" and Jaime looks stunned as he realizes... that was his fathers plan all along, and he was simply playing impartial and emotionally vulnerable... to manipulate him into promising to let him have his way and leave the Kingsguard lmaooooo fucking rekttt you alternate reality raper but Jaime just lets go of his shock and anger realizing it'll just make things worse for Tyrion if he calls his father out on his trick and gives in and confirms "you have my word" and Tywin hides a smile and says "and you have mine" but Jaime doesn't smile back as he's truly over his father's bullshit and doesn't think it's cool anymore, oof



then back in the throneroom the trial is gathering again and Jaime comes to whisper to Tyrion what's going to happen but he calls bullshit saying that's what Ned Stark was promised too, but there isn't time for Jaime to explain how they can trust their father so he just has to ask "do you trust me?" and Tyrion's out of options so just nods to him and Jaime asks of him "keep your mouth shut, no more outbursts, this will all be over soon" and Tyrion looks up at his father who stares back down at him smugly trying to discern if he'll really do right by him and seems to decide he's at his mercy so whatever he'll play nice and Tywin calls "the crown may call it's next witness" and Jaime looks around to see who it is and... oh shit... SHAE WALKS INTO THE COURTROOM!!!!! who I guess Cersei flipped somehow and Tyrion looks like he's been stabbed through the heart as she takes the stand and gives her name, swears honesty to the gods and makes the decision she's turning on Tyrion... but not entirely, she says she only knows him from being his wife's handmaiden, but she testifies "I know that he's guilty, he and Sansa planned it together" and the crowd all gasps and Tyrion sits down like this is worse than any death sentence as she goes on talking bullshit about how Sansa wanted revenge for her family and Tyrion was happy to help because he hated his family too and stole the poison from Pycelle and Oberyn asks "how could you possibly know all this?" and Shae the fucking BACKSTABBING CAG reveals "I wasn't just her maid... I was his whore" oh shit and Mace asks "I beg your pardon, you said you were his?" seemingly not knowing what she said and she is forced to repeat to the shocked crowd "HIS WHORE" and Tywin asks how she came to be in his service and... she tells the truth of how they first met at his army's camp, even quoting Tyrion's line "I want you to fuck me like it's my last night in this world" and THE CROWD ALL LAUGH AT TYRION who sits there fucking FUMING that this is how it ends, with another whore betraying him and the world laughing at how pathetic he is, and it gets so loud Tywin has to call for silence and asks if she did and Oberyn smiles at the mention of le sexxxx duuuude and presses her on it and she has to admit "I did everything he wanted, whatever he wanted me to do to him, whatever he wanted to do to me, I kissed him where he wanted, I licked him where he wanted, I let him put himself where he wanted, I was his property, I would wait in his chambers for hours so he could use me when he was bored, he ordered me to call him "my lion" so I did, I took his face in my hands and said "I am yours and you are mine"" and the crowd gasps at the salacious details and Tyrion has to physically bites his lips to stop himself from saying anything as his most intimate moments are turned into humiliating slander as to his whoring ways but he cant hold it back and lets out "Shae... please don't" begging to die with dignity but this roastie whore says "I AM A WHORE, remember? that was before he married Sansa, after that all he wanted was her, but she wouldn't let him into her bed, so he promised to kill King Joffrey for her!" and the crowd is all shocked and appalled



and Tyrion... can't take it anymore... and murmurs "father... I wish to confess... I WISH TO CONFESS" and he turns to the scintillated crowd and growls "I saved you, I saved this city, and all your worthless lives" and a lifetime of mockery and repressed venom overflows to the top, probably letting it happen to ensure the outcome he wants, as he snarls "I SHOULD HAVE LET STANNIS KILL YOU ALL"



and the crowd all yell at him in anger and Tywin calls "do you wish to confess?" and Tyrion smiles at his chance to fuck over his father one last time "yes father, I'M GUILTY, guilty, is that what you want to hear?" but here comes the big meme, Tywin asks "do you admit you poisoned the King?" and Tyrion memes "NO... of that I am innocent, I'm guilty of a far more monstrous crime, I am guilty of being a dwarf" and Tywin cant help himself but smile at how stupid his son is and insists "you are not on trial for being a dwarf" but Tyrion sneers "oh but I am, I've been on trial for that my entire life!" and Tywin starts to get mad "have you nothing to say in your defence?" and his son turns to his daughter and yells "nothing but this... I did not do it, I DID NOT KILL JOFFREY BUT I WISH THAT I HAD! WATCHING YOUR VICIOUS BASTARD DIE GAVE ME MORE RELIEF THAN A THOUSAND LYING WHORES!!!"



and he turns to the appalled crowd and smiles "I wish I was the monster you think I am! I wish I had enough poison for the whole pack of you! I would gladly give my life to watch you all swallow it!" edgyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy and he literally makes le problem officer? troll face



and the crowd all stand up and scream abuse at him and Tywin's worried it's chimp out time so orders Ser Myrin to "escort the prisoner back to his cell" but Tyrion growls "I will NOT give my life for Joffrey's murder and I know I'll get no justice here so I will let the gods decide my fate... I DEMAND A TRIAL BY COMBAT"



and the crowd all go apeshit screaming at him and everyone in the room looks absolutely shook and Tyrion glares at his father giving him one last big fuck you since he's either going to go entirely free with no The Wall duty or fuck his legacy up and die without getting Sansa pregnant alright that was pretty dank acting from our little friend but this trial by combat shit is retarded, like doesn't that just mean whoever can afford the best fighter would always go for that option? and if you can do it half-way through a trial just save it until it's clear you're fucked, but then again that's real life lmao, you can do whatever you want if you're rich enough to afford the best lawyers who'll make sure it never even gets to trial and you can kill and rape and steal and fake hate crimes all you want as long as you don't piss off someone richer than you like Martin Shkreli did



Game of Thrones 4x07: "Mockingbird"
expedited divorce special edition
First aired: May 18, 2014

we open on Jaime ranting to Tyrion about how "I made a deal to keep your ungrateful head on your ungrateful neck a little while longer" but Tyrion refuses to accept a life on The Wall and claims this is all "a joke, just not a very funny one" and starts tearing up that he couldn't stand Shae lying about him anymore and Jaime just rolls his eyes "you fell in love with a whore?" and Tyrion admits it and thinks Shae never really loved him and explain to Jaime that the deal he made with Tywin is exactly what he wants, Jaime as his heir and Tyrion shipped off somewhere else, and that's why Tyrion wanted to take that from him, and Jaime says he'd sacrifice any of them but Tyrion disagrees saying "you could kill a Ling, lose a hand, fuck your own sister, you'll always be the golden son" lmaoooooo and Jaime snaps "careful! I'm the last friend you've got" and Tyrion soothes himself by saying "at least I got to tell them what they really are" but Jaime isn't impressed and Tyrion says "don't give up on me yet" and throws some desperate shade at Jaime for not being there for his last trial by combat and Jaime breaks the bad news that he can't do this one either as his training is not coming along enough and Tyrion jokingly tries to talk him into it by saying how funny it'd be to see the look on fathers face if he dies trying anyway which finally gets a laugh out of Jaime but then they look at each other like if only they had more time together as they get on so well now like brothers should and both get sad and Tyrion suggests maybe Bronn can fight for him and asks Jaime to get him and then ponders who Cersei, as the accuser, will select as her champion and he says "I hope it's Ser Meryn Trant, I'd enjoy watching Bronn disembowel that pompous child beater" but Jaime gets a shook look on his face and says "no... not Ser Meryn..." and just stares at him until Tyrion realizes... oh god NO



and to answer this question immediately we cut to THE MOUNTAIN SKEWERING A MAN THROUGH THE CHEST WITH HIS SWORD AND EFFORTLESSLY LIFTING HIM UP INTO THE AIR and we get our first look at the third actor to play this character uhh I'm gonna be copy and pasting this one Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson, who's a relative manlet compared to the last seven foot and seven foot one guys standing "only" at 6 foot 9 inches, lmao 69 XD, but unlike the last two guys to play him who were a chunky wrestler and a lanky basketball player this dude is a professional strongman so he might be four inches shorter but he's definitely got the best wide as fuck hyper muscled body so far for the role that really looks like a dude who can just tank anyone and tear them apart, although the dude's face isn't as made for maddogging as the other two guys so he looks a bit too much like a big cuddly bear that he seems to be IRL so he's less evil seeming unfortunately, I take it these actors change a lot because while a big 7 foot fucker is a cool bad guy idea in reality if you are that tall you probably have lots of medical problems like joint injuries and growth hormone related illnesses that stop you from working regularly lmao



and Cersei looks down with a smug smile as she watches how this is how The Mountain trains... BY FORCING PRISONERS TO ATTACK HIM SO HE CAN EFFORTLESSLY CLEAVE THEM APART WITH HIS MAN-SIZED SWORD EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 83



and as The Mountain stomps forward with huge crashing steps the other prisoners try to run but the guards hold them in place and the next guy up realizes he has no chance on this dude who's like a food and a half and 300lbs bigger than him so just drops his weapon and gets down on his knees and begs for mercy but that ain't work with this motherfucker and Cersei walks into the training grounds as THE MOUNTAIN HACKS THIS MAN COWERING ON THE GROUND APART IN A BLOODTHIRSTY FURY spraying blood all over his naked chest



and Cersei walks up and fearlessly says "Ser Gregor, welcome to the capital, thank you for riding here so quickly" and The Mountain just stares at her as if people are nothing but walking bags of meat to him like he's looking at some random sheep that wandered up to him and she compliments "you seem to be in good form" but The Mountain knows the only reason anyone talks to him and just grumbles "who am I fighting?" and Cersei asks glad to have this dude on their payroll "does it matter?", since she doesn't know yet and doesn't want to lose his interest, and The Mountain just shakes his head once like it's all the same to him, just another bursting body in a sea of thousands, ohhh shit, this dude rules



fun fact his sword is literally almost as tall as Lena Headey lmao (note how even giga-chads hoverhand a goddess tier waifu like her)



then we find his brother and Arya riding through the countryside when they come upon a burnt out building and he grumbles "could be food?" but she replies "could be soldiers" and they go down anyway to find a the farmer that's been raided sitting there bleeding to death painfully and when Arya tries to help him but the man can't walk and his huts gone anyway and The Hound asks who they were but the man says "I stopped asking a while ago" implying he was getting raided constantly so he just kneels down and tells him "that's not going to get better, a bad way to go, haven't you had enough?" and the man reacts instinctively to protect himself still and plays dumb with "of what?" but then admits his situation "I know, time to go, time to take matters into my own hands, the thought has occurred to me" and Arya asks "so why go on?" and the man just shrugs "habit..." and Arya seems more curious than anything about the limits of a mans will and asks "nothing could be worth than this?" and the man reveals his lack of faith "maybe nothing is worse than this" but Arya gets her euphoric fedora shit out and says "nothing isn't better or worse than anything... nothing is just nothing" and he forces his head up to look this fucked up girl in the eye and asks "who are you?" and she says "my name is Arya... Arya Stark" and he asks "you her father?" and The Hound has no need to lie to a dead man so admits "her captor, bringing her to her aunt for ransom" and the man starts saying "a fair exchange that is, always held to the fairest exchange in all my dealings... you give me, I give you... fair... a balance... no balance any more" and starts groaning and asks "can I have a drink? dying is thirsty work" and they do the dumb NCFOM meme of prolonging a dying mans suffering by giving him water but I guess he's gonna bleed out soon anyway and he grumbles "wish it were wine" and The Hound says "so do I" and THE HOUND PLUNGES HIS KNIFE INTO HIS CHEST and the man looks up in surprise and The Hound just nods to him like it's better to die when you can't see it coming as the man smiles his troubles are over and drops his head down dead



and he casually wipes his knife off on his shirt and tells Arya "that's where the heart is" and Aya surprisingly doesn't bitch as The Hound puts his knife away and says "that's how you kill a man"BUT A DUDE JUMPS OUT OF NOWHERE ON TOP OF HIM BITING HIS EAR AND THE HOUND INSTANTLY SNAPS HIS FUCKING NECK



and starts moaning in pain at his bloody ear and he turns around to see the mans friend with a sword and he just snarls "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" at him as if he's just another annoyance and not obviously trying to murder him and the man lowers his sword mad their chance of surprise is over and tells him "there's a price on your head" and The Hound mutters to himself "guess that's what the king does when you tell him to fuck off" as he checks how bad the blood on his ear is and the bounty hunter tells him "the King's dead, he drank poisoned wine at his own wedding, the bounty on you is for killing Lannister soldiers" this is literally like a WRPG video game's consequences system lol and our two heroes share a happy glance at the news but then Arya recognises the man as "you were Yoren's prisoners when he was taking you to the to The Wall, he told me he'd fuck me bloody with a stick!" wow small world and The Hound mocks the man "this days really not working out the way you planned, he on your little list?" and Arya just stares blankly at him and says "he cant be, I don't know his name" so The Hound asks and he says "Rorge" and she says "thank you" and ARYA TAKES OUT NEEDLE AND INSTANTLY PUTS IT INTO HIS HEART ooooooooh and she takes it out letting his heart leak like a tap and he drops down dead as The Hound notes "you're learning" fucking badass dude hela epic



then at The Wall the other men hug Jon and his men as they return but the dickhead CO comes out rustled he survived and looks for an excuse to bust his balls and starts up on telling him to lock Ghost up threatening to put him in a stew if he does and Jon just gives in knowing they need to work together, then in the hall he gives them the update on Mance's army as the CO's bust his balls but Jon just cuts them off saying they need to block the tunnels much to the CO's disgust that he'd do something so cowardly but Jon's friend agrees they can't defend the gates against 100K men and when the CO refuses Jon just asks "you ever seen a giant? those gates wont stop them" and the CO just points out he's a steward so can't do shit about it and asks the First Builder what they should do expecting him to side with him but the dude is sitting there terrified of the situation but has to give in and say "no" and the crowd all laugh as the CO orders Jon and Sam they're on Wall duty... until the full moon when the Wildlings are meant to attack

then we see Bronn coming to visit Tyrion in his cell and he's wearing some super fashionable new clothes including a flashy cape which triggers Tyrion's bullshit alarm and Tyrion explains he's getting ready to marry Lollys Stokeworth and Tyrion instantly can tell "so when my sister arranged this... love match, did she mention Lollys has an older sister?" explaining to Bronn that she'll get the inheritance before him, but cutthroat Bronn points out "unless she perishes before her father" ooof and Tyrion looks at him like he's shocked and Bronn just memes "what? ladies fall from their horses and snap their pretty necks all the time" and Tyrion gives him the biggest insult he can "you and my sister deserve each other, why did you even come here?" and Bronn's here to shake him down asking for that double-the-price he said he'd pay him if anyone ever tried to pay him to betray him, especially considering he's going up against The Mountain, but Tyrion has no access to his funds so promises some of his new wife's territory to him but Bronn memes that he doesn't like the cold so Tyrion tries insulting his masculinity asking "does he frighten you that much?" but Bronn's too streetsmart for that and says "I'd be a bloody fool if he didn't frighten me, he's freakish big and freakish strong, and quicker than you'd expect for a man of that size... maybe I could take him, dance around until he's so tired of hacking at me he's dropped his sword, get him off his feet somehow... but one misstep and I'm dead, why should I risk it?" and Tyrion begs "because I'm your friend" but Bronn asks "aye you're my friend, but when have you ever risked your life for me? I like you, pampered little shit that you are, but I like myself more, sorry it has to be this way" but Tyrion says "what have you to be sorry about? that you're an evil bastard with no conscience? that's what I liked about you in the first place" and puts out his hand for Bronn to shake and Bronn looks down with a bit if guilt in his eyes but takes his hand and shakes it and says "we had some good days together" and Tyrion says "yes we did" but refuses to let go of his hand as he's so scared and Bronn has to peel it away but as he goes to leave he asks "what will you do?" and Tyrion quips "I suppose I'll have to kill The Mountain myself! won't that make for a great song?" and Bronn looks at him seriously like he can't laugh at a time like this and just tells him "I hope to hear them sing it one day" and leaves awkwardly



then in the pyramid slave city Dany comes back to her room to find... Daario has climbed in through her window, absolutely ebin, and she looks like she's about to call for a guard but remembers she has a oneitis forcefield that turns any man into a pathetic beta orbiter and he gives her some flowers he "swam to an island a mile off shore for" and she gives them back saying "don't do that again" big yikes and big cringe my mate and basically tells him to fuck off and he realizes he's pushing his luck so turns up the Nice Guy™ shit and kneels to swear his loyalty and he admits he's bored not being able to chase kills or women and she tries to tell him his men are patrolling the streets to stop revenge killings but it's really the women he's hungry for... specifically her, this guy is suddenly so fucking cringy with this actor lmao he is instantly a dogshit obnoxious character, he goes from some ROY4L looking Chad acting beast who'd steal your girl to some junky seeming sad scumbag who'd steal your phone who's clearly going to do some dumb shit like start a fight he thinks he can solve for Dany that gets people killed and he begs Dany to give him a mission to prove he'll do anything for her and she casually pours herself some wine and says "very well, do what you do best........... take off your clothes" while looking at him with a predatory stare oh my and he smiles that he's finally getting that dragon-ass and starts stripping for her as she looks over all his scars and then makes no apologies staring at his benis with Emilia Clark doing ah uh very bad job of hiding how awkward she is irl lmao, I get that this is meant to be showing how empowered Dany is becoming that she's now the one who objectifies men and has this guy at her mercy but in reality and in a non-dogshit story this guy would have no actual respect for her and just consider it a challenge to seduce her and will lose interest after he fucks her and if his characterization didn't go straight to dogshit as soon as this shit actor took over what this impulsive hedonistic nihilist would do is betray her immediately after just for a fun challenge after he's completed his last whim or and if this was an interesting story it'd turn out he'd been hired by one of her enemies to break her heart to throw her off her game or something but I'm sure it'll be fine and maybe the best we'll get out of it is Jorah being a salty cuckboy about it



then we see Stannis' wife walking in on the Red Lady taking a bath and I'm sure she left the door unlocked so this would happen on purpose and she gets the plain woman to hand her a blue vile making sure to big up how dangerous another one is and she sprinkles it into her bath and huffs it like it's some dank ass jenkem and the wife looks into a firepit anxiously and the Red Lady sees that and claims that Allah spoke to her and said "tonight you'll have your last good bath in a long while, make it count" uhhh yeah kind of loses the magic when you directly quote a deity saying something so mundane lmao and when she sees the woman staring at her blankly she backpedals "a joke" and they share n awkward chuckle and the woman apologizes and says "humor isn't my strength" idk you've played a funny prank on your husband keeping his stillborn sons in jars for years and the Red Lady says some dumb shit about how "that's because most jokes are lies and you're devoted to the truth" and says some dodgy shit about how lies aren't always best avoided and then gets out the bath right in front of her and admits "most of these powders potions are lies, deceptions to make men think they witnessed our Lord's power" and once they convert they realize that wasn't his true power, and she explains her potions, one that produces a huge flame, one that produces scary black smoke and an aphrodisiac she slips in men's wine hmmmm probably used that one on Gentry and the wife ogles her ass, probably out of jealous than her own lust, and asks hopefully "did you use it on Stannis?" but she frankly says "no, dont be upset, men never crave what they already have, it's only flesh, it needs what it needs" and takes hold of her face like she shouldn't care what she looks like and the woman reiterates her faith more to herself than to her claiming she always supports the woman who fucks her devoted husband and she tells her that he wants to bring their daughter but she doesn't want her to as she's not a true believer and the Red Lady takes her hands and starts bigging her up how she is strong enough to see Allah's truth by herself and gets her to look into the fire and tells her "when we set sail your daughter must be with us... the Lord needs us" yep bitch getting sacrificed



then we see Daavos awkwardly bumping into Jorah on his way out The Morning After™ and very uncharasmatically tells him "are you here to see our queen? she's in a good mood!" but when he walks in on her studying her maps she's looking a bit concerned as if she regrets it and Jorah gets his jealous cuckboy friendzone act started and she just points out he fought for Golden Company mercs but he warns her that maybe Daario will kill her next like his last captains so he says "that's why I'm sending him and the Second Sons to retake Yunkai" much to Jorah's happiness but he hides his true feelings and advises her without her there "the masters will simply bide their time" inb4 edgy shit about how she's just ordered them all dead aaaaah yes "that's why I've ordered Daario to execute every master in Yunkai" lovely jubbly and I'm sure a bunch of slaves who have only ever done the same one menial task their entire lives without being educated on anything can run a massive city by themselves and they won't all starve and turn on each other or anything like that almost like it needs to be a more gradual process than "just kill them lmao" for the best outcome and Dany rants with a deadpan voice "they tear babes from their mothers arms, they mutilate little boys by the thousands, they train little girls in the art of pleasuring old men, they treat men like beasts" woah Dany let's not talk to much trash on modern day Americans! but Jorah points out she's no better and needs to show the slaves a better example and ever sassy Dany folds her arms and says "and repay the slavers with what? kindness? a fine? a stern warning?" as if he's a teenage girl daddy is telling she can't have a new dog and she's getting huffy and Jorah tries to explain "it's tempting to see your enemies as evil, all of them, but there's good and evil on both sides in every war every fought" which is 100% true, funny that it has literally and unironically become taboo in american politics to not have the binary thinking of being a either on the entirely good team or the entirely bad team as there's only two possible opinions from their retarded two party system and criticising more than one side of anything is considered phony posturing where you have to be either an alt-righter or SJW and if you don't pick a side (coincidentally their side) or you are a useful dupe for the bad guys who is going to kill millions of people by helping fascism/communism, this black and white thinking is called "splitting" when mentally ill people do it btw but this is the entirety of Amerishit politics lmao when in reality Both Sides™ want you poor and dependent on them and Dany edgily says "let the priests argue over good and evil, slavery is real, I can end it and I will end it and those behind it" ok Miss ANTIFA and Jorah points out he once sold men into slavery and he wouldn't be there to help her today if Ned Stark had done to him what she wants to do to the masters of Yunkai which finally gets through to Dany so she appoints that guy who whined about his dead dad's funeral (who cares he's already dead lmao) as her ambassador to explain to the Yunkai what happened in Meereen and "the choice they have before them: they can live in my new world or they can die in their old" edgyyyy and then looks up at her with her baby blues knowing he can't say no and then tells him to go tell Daario of her chance of mind but then lets him tell him he changed her mind to keep him orbiting her despite being cucked by Chad

then with the edgy duo The Hound is trying to sew the bite mark on his shoulder, I guess not his ear, grumbling "rat cunt! fucking whore!" but Arya says he needs to burn the "bad bits" away but that's not exactly his thing as he grumbles "no fire!" and when she picks up a flaming stick from the fire to help him he stands up and screams "NO FIRE!" at her and she realizes how traumatized this poor man is and gives up and he starts ranting at her "shut up about it, shut up about everything, thanks to you I'm a walking bad of silver anywhere the Lannisters hold sway which is EVERYWHERE between where we are now and where we're going!" and keeps bitching about all his injuries saying it's not worth it and then he just sits there looking sad and then tells her "you say your brother gave you that sword? my brother gave me this!" pointing to his fucked up face and tells her the same story CIA told Sansa and the actor does a great job of making him replace into being a little boy explaining "he thought I stole one of his toys, I wasn't stealing it, just playing with it!" like it's still an unresolved argument, and it basically is since The Mountain has such a short temper he probably also is psychologically still a child because he's never had to mature from always being able get what he wants from his size and ruthlessness, he might seem like the ultimate man but he literally has a tantrum with Loras beats him at jousting smashing everything around him and then storms off in a huff when Rob orders him to stop fighting his brother, and Arya doesn't know what to say as he says "the pain was bad, the smell was worse, but the worst thing was that it was my brother who did it... and my father who protected him, told everyone my bedding caught fire" which is a typical abusive household thing, there's a main abuser but the people who help him do it by excusing it and covering it up as they're too embarrassed and scared to be honest about what's going on, and he sits there thinking how shit his life is and then asks her sadly "you think you're on your own?" maybe saying he's a lot more lonely than she is or that she's not alone in her suffering by a long shot and the best Arya can do for him is offer to help him sew it up so she pours wine on it and gets to work with him not even flinching



then at an inn a now respectful Brie is rewarding Pod with "a featherbed and a hot meal not cooked by you" lmao aww they're so cute together! and as she banters "just don't expect any silk undergarments, you're not working for your old Lord" Pod starts downing the wine like a mad cunt, a bad habit the aforementioned former boss forced on him, but she grabs the cup from him saying "don't get drunk!" and he sadly says "no m'Lady" and when she compliments the man serving them that the pork pie is wonderful we see IT'S HOT PIE, ARYA'S FAT FRIEND who chirps happily "thanks, I try my best" awwww, wait, this is too happy a scene, someone finna bout get raped soon I'm sure, and ol Hot Pie pulls up a chair and starts talking about his favorite subject, food, explaining his recipe as Pod looks concerned at Brie but they're both such nice people they just let this James Corden lookin, soundin, actin ass prattle on but when he asks Brie "nice armor, are you a knight?" she can't take anymore and condescendingly says "no" but he just goes off on another monologue about being from King's Landing too as Brie and Pod share another tired look and when he asks what they're doing there before he can go on another rant Brie starts describing Sansa extremely efficiently to him as she falls back on being mission orientated to cheer herself up from being annoyed and he stares at her gormlessly but then clicks when she mentions "Stark" and this dumb fat fuck catches himself and says "nah haven't heard anything like that, I heard they was all traitors!" and anxiously tries to leave but Brie can tell he knows something so tells him her mission and the nervous fat lad just keeps playing dumb

then the next day Pod and Brie are packing up to leave when he gives her a worried look, and Brie is rude to him saying he's not interesting enough to be offensive so just speak his peace, and he breaks down very correctly "the Lannister's want Sansa, they have money, people kill for money, we shouldn't be telling people we're searching for Lady Sansa" and she looks at her like damn, guess this kid does have some wits, but then Hot Pie comes out and asks for a word, and Brie begs "not about kidney pie", but he says he thinks she can be trusted.... so spills the tea sissss, that he met Arya, which Brie finds hard to believe, but when he says she was last heading up to the Night's Watch dressed like a boy which reminds him of her she realizes that fits the description I'm sure she got from Cat, and Brie asks what happened and when fatty starts up she insists "the quick version" so he gives her the quick rundown that includes the Brotherhood actually sold him to the inn lmao greedy cunts and that they also had a "big ugly fellow, foul mouth and a face like a half-burnt ham!" and Pod recognizes him as "The Hound" and fatty gives Brie a far better quality cookie wolf for Arya, awwwww, and Brie jokingly says to Pod "you were saying?" probably knowing full well they got extremely lucky to run across such a nice lad never mind a friend of Arya's



then walking through the woods Brie ponders "so, her mother's dead, grandfather's dead, Walder Frey is the new lord of Riverrun, the Brotherhood isn't going to Riverrun" and Pod deduces "they'll take her to the Eyrie m'lady" and gives her the quick rundown on the family tree much to Brie's surprise and he explains Lord Tyrion made sure I knew which house married which and who hated who" and Brie realizes "Sansa could be there too" I love these two since they're the nicest characters in the series who just want to serve their decent masters with honor and now they've actually explicitly got a mission to do rather than every other character who blunders through life caught up in whatever the latest drama is and then they come to a crossroads and she asks Pod "you sure about this?" and he admits "no" so she chooses her direction, I guess believing in him or that would be a wasted scene

then we see Tyrion being awoken in the night by a torchbearer, but it's not a guard harassing him... it's Oberyn who's of course joking about a spending time with "an absolutely stunning blonde" and Tyrion memes back "they have every kind of filth down here except the kind I like" but Oberyn reveals "your sister" lmao wrong brother to be making sex jokes about her to and Tyrion deadpans "oh" as Oberyn takes a seat and explains their discussion and his interpretation that she was trying to get him on her side... against him, maybe not even realizing it herself, and Tyrion explains "making honest feelings do dishonest work is one of her many gifts" but Oberyn can see through her bullshit and then jokes "it's rare to meet a Lannister who shares my enthusiasm for dead Lannisters!" but Tyrion isn't in a laughing mood and complains how happy Cersei will be when he hangs and Oberyn reveals that he was there when Tyrion was a baby as a young boy visiting his family and he talks about how disappointed he was hearing about "the monster that had been born to Tywin Lannister, a head twice the size of his body! a tail between his legs! claws! one red eye! the privates of both a girl and a boy!" and Tyrion quips "that would have made thing so much easier" lmao then you could get yourself pregnant like the black dude/girl on Misfits, and Oberyn would beg Cersei and Jaime to show him to him... and he was disappointed his head was just a bit big and his limbs a bit small and he complained "that's no monster Cersei, that's just a baby" but Cersei said "he killed my mother" and he says "she pinched your little cock so hard I thought she might pull it off until your brother made her stop" yikes EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 84 I love that little Cersei was still a cunt lmao and Tyrion cringes learning that his sister was abusing him even before he can remember and Cersei talked about how she hoped he'd die and Tyrion steels himself but cant help the tears welling up and says "well.... sooner or later Cersei gets what she wants" and Oberyn can tell how much being a Lannister has tormented him and wells up too and asks "and what about what I want? .....justice, for my sister and her children" and Tyrion laughs and says "if you want justice you've come to the wrong place!" but he says "I disagree........ I've come to the perfect place" and walks around Tyrion's cell and explains "I want to bring those who have wronged me to justice and all those who have wronged me are right here" yeah thanks we understood and Tyrion looks up not wanting to let himself have the hope but he drops the bombshell "I SHALL START WITH SER GREGOR CLEGANE WHO KILLED MY SISTERS CHILDREN AND THEN RAPED HER WITH THEIR BLOOD STILL ON HIS HANDS BEFORE KILLING HER TOO, I WILL BE YOUR CHAMPION" awwww shiiiiiiiiit boiiiiiiiiii as he picks up a torch as if he's literally and figuratively carrying a torch for him and Tyrion almost breaks down in tears of joy as he finally has one last friend left in the world



then we see Sansa walking outside into the snow, having missed it and being reminded of home, and she starts making a little replica of Winterfell in the snow, like a sand castle, when the little zoomer prince comes up interested in this fun game his new friend is playing and she explains what she's building and he talks about how his mother never lets him leave his own home, and he asks when she'll go back, and Sansa awkwardly tells this stunted 10 year old who she'll probably marry soon "probably never, my family doesn't live there any more and someone burned it down" met he's going to smash it or something and he asks "oh.... does Winterfell have a moon door?" and when Sansa giggles and says it's not up in the mountains but down on the ground he says "oh, sounds dangerous" lmao since I guess from his point of view he's safe up there where he's hard to reach and he asks "how do you make people fly? what do you do to the bad people and the scary people and the people that you don't like?" and Sansa can't be worried by him since she's already been engaged to far far worse and just jokes girls don't do that where she's from and the zoomer boasts that when he's grown up "I'll be able to fly anybody who bothers me!" and promises that when they're married they can make anyone she doesn't like go "WOOSH! right through the moon door!" like he doesn't understand how serious that is from his mother sheltering and coddling him so much and Sansa sits there realizing "I like the sound of that" as she can think of a few people that would deserve that and the zoomer says "lets put a moon door in your Winterfell" and Sansa says "alright!" ready to play and the kid actually accidentally points to the main tower knocking it over and Sansa cant hide her frustration saying he ruined it and the zoomer gets defensive and yells it was already ruined because it didn't have a moon door and she tells him "you're being stupid!" and he screams "I DIDN'T RUIN IT!!!" and kicks the castle down in a fit of rage and she looks down in horror that maybe this little shit will turn out like Joffrey anyway and does what she's always wanted to do to him, but probably the last thing this kid needs, and SANSA SLAPS THE LITTLE ZOOMER PRINCE



who's never been struck before and she realizes oh fug I'm in trouble and tries to say sorry but he runs off bawling his eyes out, that was a really good scene where we're reminded that Sansa not only is only a 14 year old girl who's still very childish herself but also now traumatized to fuck and back and giving into dark feelings herself to the extent that she'd jump at the opportunity to be able to abuse someone she finally has at least physical power over, and as she's standing there worrying CIA suddenly appears out of nowhere creepily going "children...." having been spying on them and Sansa confesses "I hit him... I shouldn't have done that" and CIA shares his probably true feelings "no, his mother should have a long time a go, consider it a step in the right direction" this is some kinky pedo shit you've got right here GRRM, a 10 year old boy being roughly disciplined by his 14 year old wife and she worries about him grassing on her but CIA says he can handle her aunt and she whines about never seeing Winterfell again but CIA reassures her "if you want to build a new home you first have to demolish the old one" which I guess is what he's doing in his life and she tentatively asks him "why did you really kill Joffrey?" and his face drops and he stares at her with his real serious face and she mad dogs him back and insists "tell me why" and he starts monologing about how he loved Cat and claims he did it out of revenge for her and Sansa... gives him a smile, happy that her family has been avenged, and he smiles seeing he's winning her over and he steps close saying creepy shit about how in a better world she might have been his child uhhh dont think that's how it works but since Sansa is far taller than him she's not easily intimidated so he starts creepily playing with her red hair and saying "you're far more pretty than she ever was" and CIA KISSES SANSA, AND SHE LETS HIM.... BUT AUNT LYSA SEES THEM! awwwwwwwwwwww fuck, I presume CIA meant for that to happen to have an excuse to fuck her in the head some more or something, also I assume he was talking that weird shit about how he could have been her father to trigger her daddy issues at missing Ned and transferring them to sexual feelings to an older father figure like him, quite the epic redpill move there CIA, truly an enlightened PUA



then later Sansa walks into the throne room as her aunt has summoned her and she's looking down the open moon door and scarily asks her to come to her so she can edgily ask "do you know how far the fall is? neither do I precisely, hundreds of feet? it's fascinating what happens to bodies when they hit the ground from such height, the impact breaks them right apart, like eggs dropped on the floor, sometimes pieces remain intact, you'll find the head sitting on it's own, every hair in place, blue eyes staring at nothing" not sure that's entirely accurately humans are surprisingly sturdy and you can only fall so fast most falling from a great height victims only really go splat in the sense of if they land on something hard some blood can splatter out and Sansa just stands there super awkward waiting for her to do something but her aunt just forces out "I know what you did" and Sansa tries to play dumb pretending this is about her slapping Robin but her aunt snaps "don't be coy with me YOU LITTLE WHORE! you kissed him! you kissed Petyr! you can't lie to me!" and when Sansa tries to blame her her aunt GRABS HER HAIR AND HOLDS HER TO THE LEDGE SCREAMING "LIAR! WHORE! HE IS MINE! MY FATHER! MY HUSBAND! MY SISTER! THEY ALL STOOD BETWEEN US AND NOW THEY'RE ALL DEAD! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO STAND BETWEEN PETYR AND ME! LOOK DOWN! LOOOK DOOOOOWN!"



and from behind her CIA appears and orders "Lysa! ....let her go" and Lysa has a meltdown ranting about how Sansa will never love him and she's lied and killed for him and CIA claims he was just sending Sansa away "I swear on my life, I swear on all the gods, let her go Lysa" and her aunt forces herself to toss Sansa... back to safety, and then sits down sobbing in anguish of her emotional turmoil, and this piece of shit CIA who's been manipulating this clearly mentally ill woman slinks over all cocky now his prize possession is safe starts saying "oh my sweet wife, my sweet silly wife" and cuddles her... but then he brings her to her feet and tells the crying woman "I have only loved one woman, only one, my entire life" and she smiles happy her husband loves her but he adds "your sister" and then



CIA PUSHES HIS WIFE DOWN THE MOON DOOR! and she dies with a shocked look of betrayal on her face, perhaps she was wondering why you would marry a woman, before throwing her out of a moon door?



and he looks down with a sneer like "she didn't fly so good"





Game of Thrones 4x08: "The Mountain and the Viper"
*mortal combat theme starts playing* special edition
First aired: June 1, 2014

this episode opens in a complete muddy shithole where a couple make out beside some shitty building and two lads smile as they're going to ye olde hooters to see a vulgar woman showing her talent of burping a song and the johns have to guess "uhhh the Rains of Castimere?" but she slaps him and grunts "ya fuckin deaf? listen ya cunt!" and another man correctly guesses "The Bear and the Maiden Fair?" and she laughs "there's a man with an ear! too bad you've got a hangnail for a cock! first time I saw you with your breeches down, I thought you were a eunuch! you seen it girls? like a baby snail peeking out of it's shell!" much to his friends amusement



and then she swaggers into another room taking a drink and starts at Gilly complaining about her crying baby and when she threatens to keep him quiet herself Gilly immediately snaps up and tells her "dont you ever touch him" being a fucking Real Nigga after surviving her father and a White Walker attack and the woman giggles and says "little wildling bitch, shoulda stayed with your own kind" but then Gilly hears an owl hoot outside and instantly snaps her head that way and just says "shut your mouth" and the whore looks confused "it's just an owl you dumb bitch" and Gilly's mouth drops as she says "no... it's not" and she looks out to try and see something... I guess that ain't no owl and actually bird calls used to signal the start of... something... and then we see a man going to the well to collect some water when awwwww fuck ONE OF THE CANNIBALS APPEARS BEHIND HIM AND SLITS HIS THROAT EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 85 AND GINGER NUT IS THERE TOO AND HE TAKES OUT HIS MACHETE AND SLICES A RANDOM MANS SIDE OPEN EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 86 AND YIGRITTE STABS SOME RANDOM PEOPLE THROUGH THE CHEST WITH HER SPEAR EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 87



AND THE WILDLINGS KICK DOWN THE DOOR OF THE YE OLDE HOOTERS AND START SLAUGHTERING EVERYONE INSIDE EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 88



AND THE BURPING HOOKER ISN'T GOING DOWN EASY AND CHARGES AT YIGRITTE WITH A KNIFE BUT SHE JUST PINS HER TO THE WALL WITH HER SPEAR AND SLITS A COWERING WOMAN'S THROAT EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 89



and looks around and hears... a baby fussing... and she finds Gilly and her baby hiding in the corner.... and tells them "shh" and leaves them... and Gilly looks out to see... blood leaking in through the floorboards from the room up the stairs, jesus




and then we see Sam getting the news and he's hating himself for leaving her out there and it turns out those men in the hookers bar were Night's Watchmen who'd snuck out for some fun and the men argue about what to do as Sam sits there sure "she's dead because of me" but Jon insists "we cant go after them, it's what they want" and Pyp tries to comfort Sam "maybe she was able to hide herself" as he thought all they were dead and the other guy assures Sam "she survived Craster who was the worst fuck I ever met, she survived the walk to The Wall, she survived a White Walker for fuck sake, she might have got out" and Sam realizes "she might have" and Jon realizes "if they hit Mole's Town... we're next" and the men lament that Mance's army of 100K must be coming... and they're only 105-or scratch that-102, counting the three brothers lost in the bar, and Pyp asks "how do 102 stop 100,000?" ooooh fuck and one of them memes "whoever dies last be a good lad and burn the rest of us, once I'm done with this world... I don't want to come back" and that ain't no joke since they could turn into White Walkers up there as he pours them all drinks

then we get a very homoerotic scene of all the Unsullied getting their tops off and bathing in a river, leaving their pants on so they don't have to CGI out anyone's junk lol, and Grey Worm looks over to see Missy and the other females getting naked and has some odd feelings and she catches him watching and he gets awkward but then just keeps staring hoping she doesn't mind but when she covers up her breasts anyway despite his condition he realizes she's not happy with it and slinks away



then later she's talking to Dany about this who's braiding her hair and talks about how the Dothraki don't mind nudity so much they have sex in public at night lmao, and she assures her that none of the Unsullied care what's under their clothes but she claims "he was interested" and mega-brainlet Dany who can't understand a disabled person still wanting intimacy and having sexual thoughts awkwardly asks if they're missing "the pillar and the stones" which Missy isn't sure of and Dany naughtily asks, becoming quite the slut, "haven't you ever wondered?" and she replies "yes, Your Grace" and we see her later staring up at Dany's throne in the same way Varys does with the Irone Throne when Grey Worm appears and apologizes in Valyrian and then thanks her on her English lessons and clumsily says Jorah helps him too, and she awkwardly asks him if he remembers being cut, and he shakes his head, and she says she's sorry that happened to him, but he says if that didn't happen then he'd never have been one of the Unsullied to kill the masters for Dany and be here with her now which is some romantic ass shit saying it was worth being castrated to meet a girl lmao and her eyes tear up at this sign of love and he apologizes again in English and walks off awkwardly but she stops him and admits "I'm glad you saw me" and he gives what from him is a smile and says "so am I" and leaves (in a way that no one has ever done in real life and obviously if they emotionally connected when he was going to leave he'd simply, you know, stay, and they'd keep talking, but this is TV magic land where everyone needs to conduct themselves as dramatically as possible) but I like this romance since it's going against the trope of "castration = asexual" when really it'd just be a change in hormone levels and some psychological problems but you'd probably still mentally want intimacy with a significant other as much as anyone else especially since a mans body still produces testosterone elsewhere than the balls, hope homeboy is good at eating pussy I guess

then we see an army of Bolton soldiers assembling and Ramsey is strapping Reek into his old armor and talking to him like he's his retarded little brother "hmm a Kracken hmm strong! as long as they're in the sea! when you take them out of the water, no bones! they collapse under their proud weight and slump into a heap of nothing, you'd think they'd know that, unfortunately they're not very bright" with Reek zoning in and out not understanding anything he's saying even though he's clearly talking about Reek's former and current self and then he snaps him out of it by demanding "what do you tell them?" and Reek regurgitates "I am Theon Greyjoy son of Balon heir to the iron islands" and Ramsey puts a glove on him to hide the pinky finger he cut off during their first uh session and makes sure to ask "and what are you really?", note the what and not who since he's got him thinking he's some sort of pet, and he makes sure to whimper "I'm Reek" and Ramsey tests "are you sure? you do look very much like a lord... formidable... proud" and Reek starts shaking that his owner might not trust him which is a baaaaad thing for him and Reek answers "I'm Reek" and Ramsey pushes "until when?" and Reek says... fairly forcefully... "always... forever" looking him in the eyes to make sure he knows he really believes it and Ramsey is impressed with his own eyes lighting up as his fucked up little relationship here get's more intense and holds his face and says "that's right, until you're rotting in the ground" and strokes his cheek as if he really is the person he's most close to and he tells him "remember what you are and what you're not... bring me Moat Cailin" and takes him under his arm to look out over some marsh lands to a castle on a hill



and then we see Theon riding with a white banner of surrender, back on a horse for the first time in what must be 2 years by now, and a guard yells down "stop right there! who are you?" and there's a great bit of acting where Reek tears up and tries to control his nervous twitching as he tries to give the answer that's been so thoroughly conditioned out of him but we don't even see it on-screen as if we don't even get the relief of him even momentarily claiming his real identity and we cut to them letting him inside and there's just absolute squalor with rotting bodies and sick men everywhere and Reek forces himself to have a proud manly posture with strutting arms and far back shoulders like a little kid doing an impression of how a badass man walks and an ill looking man says "I'm Kenning, commander of this garrison and you say you're Theon Greyjoy?" as he looks at him suspiciously and Reek walks up very stiff and says in a very well done stilted voice as he struggles to hide his usually openly displayed constant state of terror as he tells his life story to this dude and the man asks "if you're my prince why are you marching with the Bolton army?" and Reek struggles not to flinch at the mention of his owner and says rigidly that he was taken captive and has been sent to negotiate and Kenning cringes, the weight of the siege bearing down on him physically and mentally, and asks "and what does Lord Bolton want?" knowing his men can't just much longer and Reek just hands over a scroll and starts explaining how fucked they are to him and claims if they surrender now "he will be just and fair with you as he has been with me" looking away trying to keep his composure as that's the biggest lie he's told yet, but the commander isn't on board so Reek tells them about his own father bending the knee to King Rob and the commander is so sick he collapses coughing and his men lift him up and HE SPITS HIS BLOOD IN REEKS FACE AND ONTO THE LETTER



and mocks him claiming there's no shame in surrender "only a whipped dog would speak this way... or a woman" and Reek starts shaking as he's failing his owner and the commander sees Reek's about to break down crying and asks "are you a woman, boy?" and Reek starts whimpering "you don't know-" but the commander insists "the Ironborn will not surrender" and Reek starts having a brainwashing meltdown terrified of what Ramsey will think so starts chanting to himself "my name is Reek my name is Reek" so he doesn't slip up and the commander says "you go tell your master that "Theon Greyjoy" or whoever the fuck you are... what the hell are you muttering?" as Reek goes "Reek Reek Reek Reek" as if he's almost about to have a moment of Theon escaping his mental confines, right here, talking to a commander who's refusing to obey the Bolton's, wearing his armor and already trying to convince him he's his prince, this could be it, he could e-THE COMMANDERS RIGHT HAND MAN PUTS A HANDAXE THROUGH HIS SKULL oooooooooooooooooooh never miiiiiiiiiind



nd Reek stands there shivering not knowing to be glad the sources of his stress is gone or sad because of a reason he's too fucking scared to think about and the second in command picks up the letter and asks "if we yield we live? that's what it says on this paper here?" as he can't read and Reek lies to them that yes "fly a white flag and open the gates, you're going home" and the man looks like he's thinking well why not give it a go, they're all going to die in there anyway, can't get any worse... but that's where he was wrong, we smash cut to THE SECOND IN COMMAND HAVING BEEN FLAYED ALIVE AND HAD AN EYE TORN OUT EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 90 and Ramsey purrs satisfied "you didn't really think I'd let them go did you? it's fallen out of fashion, flaying, sad, but true, traditions are important, where are we without our history, eh?" to Reek who says "yes my Lord" as he looks relieved to be back with his master and not in the excruciating stress of the temptation to betray him and he asks "will we go home now?" and Ramsey looks over happy that the conditioning has held "I believe we will... to our new home" and pats him on the chest and Reek starts shaking again as he doesn't need to pretend to not be fucked in the head anymore, oof good stuff



then we see CIA in a super close up of him talking about how he has a great-grandfather from Braavos to I assume the other Lord's of the Vale who boast about their own long histories and they're not too happy about only just meeting their new King and one moans "(((moneylender))), whoremonger, you've been licking Tywin Lannister's boots so long it's a wonder your tongue's not black!" and talks shit about how Master of Coin is "a grubby job" for a grubby man and when CIA tries to explain Lysa being in love with him this old lady says it's her death they're investigating and CIA claims "of course... her suicide shattered us all" how easy that would be in those days and the old lady says "she was an odd fish everyone knew that, but suicide? she adored that boy of hers, I don't see her abandoning him not by choice" and the man points out how suspicious it is that within a few days he married her and then she fell through the moon door lmao and CIA claims "she was always prone to melancholy, my lady was not meant for a world as brutal as ours" and they bring up Sansa as a witness which gets CIA shook and he tries to assure them she'd be of no help but they insist they hear her testimony unadulterated and CIA looks like he's about to brick it if they can get Sansa in there before he can work his magic on her , but I'm sure he already did, and they let Sansa in right there, and the old lady assures her she's got nothing to fear, from either of them, and Sansa nods when the old lady asks if CIA's her uncle and that her name is Alayne pretending to be more upset than she actually is and the old lady tries to be nice and asks if she wants CIA to leave but the old man snaps for her to be louder as Sansa looks awkwardly at CIA and says "I'm sorry Lord Baelish I have to tell the truth....... I'll tell you everything........ my name is not Alayne... IT'S SANSA STARK" oh fuck she's fucking him over and she reminds the old fat man that they actually met in Winterfell and he stares at her in amazement and then realizes that CIA "tells me lies to my face you little worm?!" who looks like he finna bouta make a ting ting clap as Sansa throws him under the bus but... she starts saving his ass saying "Lord Baelish has told many lies... all to protect me" and frames it like he was a hero saving her from all the abuse the Lannisters put her through and CIA gives her a look like he can tell she's only doing this to have him by the balls as she tells her sob story and she's successfully won over the Lords and the previously mad old fat man tells her she has her sympathy as he used to go hunting with her father he deeply respected and she starts talking about how her aunt was in love with CIA all her life since they were little kids and then she uses the dank lying technique of admitting to something embarrassing and most likely true so it seems like you'd only ever admit to that when being completely honest where she says she was so jealous when she saw CIA kiss her, and the fat old man gasps "Lady Sansa?" and Sansa pretends to be ashamed and minimizing "it was a peck on the cheek, Lord Royce, nothing more" and praises CIA as a good man and then breaks down crying using the truth of her aunt calling her a whore and threatening to moon door her to fuel her performance as she tells them all about it but then she claims her aunt slapped CIA when he tried to stop her and then killed herself in front of them and the old lady hugs Sansa telling her it wasn't her fault and the old man looks up sad completely believing that's something this mentally ill woman would do and CIA gives Sansa an almost... submissive look, like he's impressed with her quick mastery of bullshitting and owes her one now, and she maddogs him like he's got the right idea, then afterwards Royce is saying "you could tell by the way she raised that boy, feeding him from her own teats when he was 10 years old!" and the old lady admonishes him for gossiping at a time like this and he apologizes but also to CIA for grilling him so much but he says he understands he wants justice too and starts grilling them now on which side the Vale is on chewing them out for letting Tywin defeat all his enemies and pushes them to back Robin, but the old lady says "Robin is a sickly little boy" and CIA insists "and sickly little boys sometimes become powerful men" probably talking about his own beta ass and CIA explains his mother was just over protective and it's time to teach him how to be a man and visit his new kingdom and he's got these two old softies agreeing with him, uh oh, is he gonna merc the kid too? or raise him as his own so now he has his own little kingdom?



then back in Meereen we see the Unsullied finally taking the rotting corpses of the masters off of their signposts when a little boy, one of Varys birdies, comes up with a scroll for Barry... stamped with Tywin's insignia! which he reads with shock, then with Jorah studying some maps seeing looking at the distance between Meereen and KLs Barry comes in and... gives him his letter which is "a royal pardon signed by Robert Baratheon" wait wot, ah, so this is Tywin's play, fuck over Jorah, and Barry asks "you spied on her?" and Jorah gets super shook as Barry explains "I wanted to tell you first man-to-man rather than go behind your back" and he asks to be able to tell Dany himself but he just growls "you'll never be alone with her again" and walks off like that's life innit while Jorah is completely rectum ruined, then later Jorah very awkwardly comes to Dany's throne room and pathetically slowly tries to walk up to her but Grey Worm steps closer to him showing he won't let him near her and he pathetically asks to speak alone but she refuses and he agonizingly awkwardly has to have this conversation in front of all his friends and he tries to point out this is Tywin's plan to divide them but Dany points out it was signed the year they met and Jorah the absolute cuckold sits there shaking as he can't bring himself to lie that it was forged and admits he used to report on her and her brother to Varys and Dany gets super serious and doesn't let him call her Khaleesi and demands to know if he told them she was carrying Aquaman's babby and he struggles to admit yes and then Dany realizes that wine merchant only tried to poison her because of his intel and he begs that he stopped him but she walks right up to him and says "you betrayed me... from the first" glaring right at him uh oooohhhhh maybe why you shouldn't fall in love with a homicidal maniac like Dany and like an absolute beta bitch boy he gets down on his knees and begs forgiveness but she rants "you betrayed me to the man who killed my father and stole my brother's throne you want me to forgive you?" and Jorah pathetically whines "I have loved you" and Dany tells him "any other man I'd have you executed but I don't want you in my city alive or dead" and sends him back to King's Landing and he dares to walk closer up the stairs and she holds her hand up to stop him but also stop Grey Worm stopping him and snarls "don't EVER presume to touch me or speak my name again" and banishes him upon threat of decapitation almost like she's enjoying it and relishes any chance to have an excuse to threaten to kill people and Jorah slinks away like a little cuckold and we see him riding out of the city



then we see Ramsey's forces meeting across a field from Roose's forces as he presents his father with the strongholds flag and stands there super awkward waiting for him to say something as his father just looks at him concerned until he finally says "walk with me" and up on a hill over their forces, with Roose's being like ten time the size of the troops Ramsey can have, he asks his father if he's heard from Locke but he says the cripple boy is not important (should have told him to kill Jon but maybe it's smarter to leave him alive as a magnet for the other Stark kids) and he tells him the Ironborne are fleeing thanks to him and just as Ramsey thinks his father is going to approve of him he just asks him "what do you see?" and he looks around confused "moors, fields, hills?" but Roose asks again and Ramsey tries "nothing" looking uncomfortable that he's the one getting tested now and Roose says "not nothing, The North, ride 700 miles that way you're still in The North, 400 miles that way, 300 miles that way, The North is larger than the other six Kingdoms combined, I'm the warden of The North, The North is mine"



and then in an interesting moment he asks "now tell me, what is your name?" and he forces himself to answer "Ramsay Snow" which is some great kino since the secret was to why anyone does anything bad to anyone else ever is they experienced the same thing as a child which is usually as simple and obvious as parents excusing slapping their children or cheating on their spouse because they say their parents doing that growing up or can be more covert and removed like a boss that ignores their employees complaints because that's how his parents treated him and he just subconsciously thinks that's how someone in authority acts and the most horrific way this shit manifests is in people like Ramsey where the way they torture and kill people is usually related to how they feel aggrieved as we see here Ramsey got this obsession with having your identity taken from you by a man with authority over you to the specific extent of being made to give another name when asked and since he hasn't processed this healthily he just goes on to inflict it on others so he feels at least he's the one in control now since this dynamic is how he thinks the world works deep down from being exposed to it at an early age now of course since he's a twisted fucking psychopath this manifests in horrifically torturing another man into accepting he's his slave when if he was more neurotypical it'd probably manifest in just him doing the same shit as his father, having a bastard and refusing to accept him, which of course would seem completely coincidental to him and not intention but deep down it is just like how he probably just thinks he's doing this to Reek because it's simply fun without noticing any patterns with his own life but bravo writers for including that detail, but Roose actually corrects him "no, not Ramsey Snow, open it" and hands him a letter and declares "from this day until your last YOU ARE RAMSEY BOLTON, son of Roose Bolton, Warden of the North"



with a barely contained exasperated tone as if Roose can't actually be fucked to even pretend to care and is probably only doing this to try and calm his son's psychopathic tendencies down by giving him what he wants and Ramsey looks at this birth certificate or whatever and can't fucking believe it and then gets down on his knees and says "you honor me, I swear I will uphold your name and your tradition, I will be worthy of you father, I promise" and Roose just looks down a bit sad at his freak son and then we see their armies combined marching away and Ramsey is riding along looking euphoric and then get's an evil smile as he realizes he has even more power to do what he wants now and says "come Reek, I'll be needing a bath" gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! and Reek looks completely fine as if he's not even scared of Ramsey anymore and that stressful undercover mission has made him comfortable as long as he can please his owner and they seem to be approaching... Winterfell, which Roose now owns and has rebuilt



and then we see CIA visiting Sansa in her shitty little uncomfy room as she's sewing a dress and he talks to her about how she's definitely not a child any longer and for the first time in his life he can't figure someone out and asks "why did you help me?" and she avoids by saying "they'd have thrown you through the moon door if they found you guilty" and he calls her out "that's not an answer" not bothering to be charming and acting like his real abrasive self and Sansa relishes the power she has over him just withholding this information and cheekily says "if they'd have executed you what would they have done with me?" and CIA realizes "better to gamble on the man you know than the strangers you don't? and you think you know me?" and Sansa just says "I know what you want" and when he asks "do you?" she just looks up at him blank faced like he doesn't scare her but when CIA glares back at her she remembers her strongest asset is to pretend to be a scared little girl and looks back down at her sewing faux-nervously

then with the edgy duo Arya is talking about how "I thought it would make me happy, but it doesn't, not really" talking about revenge I guess and The Hound just points out "nothing makes you happy" from living with this little bitching thot for months but no Arya claims getting to kill Polliver and Rorge made her happy and The Hound realizes she means "so you're sad you didn't get to kill Joffrey yourself?" oooh the edge and Arya complains "at least I could have been there to watch, I wanted to see the look in his eyes when he knew it was over" EDGYYYYYYYYY and The Hound grumbles "aye nothing in the world beats that look" as if he doesn't really mean it and has seen it all hundreds of times and is now meaningless to him and Arya asks "you protected him for most of his life, you think you could have saved him?" and The Hound grumbles "I wasn't the damn wine taster, little shit deserved to die but poison... poisons a woman's weapon, men kill with steel" and Arya shares my thoughts exactly "that's your stupid pride talking, it's why you'll never be a great killer" since if it works it works, Joffrey's dead and running at him with a sword probably wouldn't get the job done, and she boasts "I'd have killed Joffrey with a chicken bone if I had to" and The Hound laughs and says "I'd pay good money to see that!" and starts grunting in pain at his shoulder as she points out "should have let me burn that" as they arrive at the Vale's front gate and The Hound assures her that her aunt will pay because of "family, honor, all that horseshit, its all you lords and ladies ever talk about" as the guards take aim with bows at them and he introduces the two of them but the lead guard offers them his condolences telling them of Lady Aryn's death and The Hound stands there super awkwardly like what the fuck is wrong with my fucking life and ARYA BURSTS OUT LAUGHING that this has all been for nothing and can't stop herself and the lead guard looks at his man like uhhhh ok, Arya rules lmao



and then inside CIA is talking to the zoomer who's anxious about being taken outside for the first time and CIA tries to reassure him "oh people die at their dinner tables, they die in their beds, they die squatting over their chamber pots, everyone dies sooner or later, don't worry about your death, worry about your life! take charge of your life as long as it lasts!" and the kid was starting to just panic more as he talked about how he could even die in his castle but calmed down as CIA gave him a more proactive fatherly advice that he must have missed from his own father and then CIA looks up mischievously at one of his new favorite people in the world SANSA COMES OUT WEARING A BADASS AND SEXY BLACK CROW-FEATHER DRESS and she cockily asks "shall we go?"



then we cut to Tyrion who's somehow gotten wine into his cell trying to get drunk and he turns to say "I think you or it" to... his brother of course, and he mocks the senselessness of the idea of trial by combat and Jaime gives him a pity chuckle but then he gets serious and asks "do you think Oberyn has a chance?" and Jaime just sits there sucking his teeth and Tyrion's like "The Red Viper of Dorne, you don't get a name like that unless you're deadly right?" and Jaime admits "I've never seen him fight" and Tyrion starts having a panic attack going "he's going to die, I'm going to die" and Jaime tries to reassure him "Oberyn believes in himself" but Tyrion thinks he's just arrogant "that's putting it mildly!" and as he takes a piss he wonders if he'll get "drawn and quartered, hanging, breaking at the wheel" but Jaime says "beheading" and Tyrion mumbles that on top of regicide they'll do him for "he was my nephew so what was that? fratricide is brothers and filicide is sons... ah nepoticide that's the one" which sounds like just killing any other family member as Jaime just sits there smiling sadly as Tyrion gives a few last memes "matricide, patricide, infanticide, suicide, there's no kind of killing that doesn't have it's own word" but Jaime points out "cousins" which Tyrion congratulates and they talk about their cousin Orson who got dropped on his head leaving him simple and they laugh about how this poor boy "used to to sit all day in the garden crushing beetles with a rock" as they both mockingly imitate their brain damaged relative lmao and Jaime points out Tyrion hypocritically mocked him too and he jokes "laughing at others misfortune was the only thing that made me feel like everyone else!" and they cheekily hint that Jaime had other interests growing up (Cersei's pussy) and Tyrion explains trying to work out why Orson smashed all those beetles, mocking his brain damage again lmao, and he says he even went to read in their maesters library, and Jaime, figuring his brother's dead soon, just drops "ugh Volarik's, tried to touch me once!" which might explain him (in an alternate reality) sexually assaulting his sister but he couldn't find anything to explain Orson's condition so he decided to study him himself like a zoologist, and as Tyrion picks up a mite in his own cell he talks about how he was sure Orson had a reason for killing beetles after all and he became unhealthily obsessed with figuring out why because it being meaningless disturbed him and Jaime points out "all around the world men, women and children are murdered by the score, who gies a dusty fuck about a bunch of beetles?" but Tyrion explains the sheer volume of Orson's bug victims disturbed him and was giving him nightmares and he was never able to stop him until a mule kicked him in the chest and killed him lmao and Jaime looks at him confused but when he sees Tyrion put down the bug he had in his hand and let's it crawl away it seems like he understands, not about Orson but what it means for Tyrion, and his vulnerably little brother asks him maybe the last question of their lives "so what do you think? why did he do it? what was it all about?" as if the mentally disabled Orson obsessively crushing bugs is a metaphor for the human condition and Jaime sighs and says "I don't know" which I guess is the real answer to the actual question and to the subtext of why bad things happen in the world but also not wanting to say what he really thinks, that the point of the story is that Tyrion is such a caring person deep down who doesn't even want to see a single bug die pointlessly, but can't bring himself to let either of them hear that now... and then the bell tolls, which is I guess where that expression comes from and Jaime can't bring himself to look his brother in the eyes as he walks out saying "good luck today" as he looks super scared in his little dark cell, well that was a pretty good scene since the conversation felt more like a real conversation than most since people really do just go on rambling long stories with big tangents like that with no real point lmao which rarely happens in fiction as everything everyone talks about needs to drive the plot rather than just the aimless sharing of feelings and trivia people actually talk like IRL



then at midday Tyrion is led out in cuffs by guards to the baying crowd in front of a big semi-circle arena by the sea and we see Varys, Cersei, Tywin, Mace and now Jaime sitting at the front row seats as Tyrion is allowed to meet with his champion, Oberyn, who kisses his wife relishing every moment but Tyrion points out "that's very light armor" and Oberyn brushes it off "I like to move around" and Tyrion looks up at the crowd all yammering away at how they want him dead and anxiously whines "you could have at least worn a helmet! you shouldn't be drinking before a fight!" bit Oberyn keeps chugging wine and mocks "you learn this during your years in the fighting pits? I always drink before a fight" to his lovers amusement and Tyrion looks down trying to contain his embarrassment of being out of jokes and manipulations "it could get you killed, it could get me killed" and Oberyn assures both of them "today is not the day I die" and then the crowd starts cheering as The Mountain marches into the arena wearing his heavy as fuck metal plate armor we saw him jousting with and Oberyn's lover gasps "you're going to fight THAT?" and Oberyn assures her "I'm going to kill that" and as The Mountain thuds along with his face obscured by a cast iron helmet that looks like it could stop a 50 cal I swear I can hear someone in the crowd gasping "jesus!" which would be non-canon but I guess some extras said that on the day and they left it in the audio track or something and the gf declares "he's the biggest man I've ever seen!" and Oberyn jokes "size does not matter when you are flat on your back" heheheh le sex and Tyrion mutters to himself "thank the gods" referring to his own blessing of having a relatively big dick for his tiny size and a horn blows to draw attention to Pycelle giving the opening announcement "in the sight of gods and men, we gather to ascertain the guilt or innocent of this... uh... man, Tyrion Lannister" and goes on listing blessings from all the 7 gods as Oberyn's squire polishes his polearm (not like that) but Tywin just waves to the horn blower to play Pycelle off like when a speech goes on for too long at the Oscars as he doesn't give a fuck about the gods lmaooooooo



so he just bows and staggers off and Oberyn's wife gives him one last passionate kiss and begs him "don't leave me alone in this world" and he promises "never" as The Mountain carries out his massive fucking 6 foot sword that's taller than most men and Oberyn gets tossed his polearm and starts twirling it around super duper fast like he's an anime character and the crowd all clap and cheer for his amazing cheerleading skills and he turns to his arch nemesis and asks "have they told you who I am?" and THE MOUNTAIN GROWLS "SOME DEAD MAN!" AND SLAMS HIS MASSIVE CLAYMORE DOWN AT HIM AS THE CROWD GASPS



but Oberyn effortlessly avoids it and deflects the huge sword away ok I guess it's go time and he starts ranting "I am the brother of Elia Martell... and do you know why I have come all the way to this stinking shit-pile of a city?.... FOR YOU!!!"



OBERYN ATTACKS THE MOUNTAIN SLAPPING HIS POLEARM AGAINST HIS HELMET AND SKIDDING BACK AS THE MOUNTAIN FLAILS HIS HUGE SWORD AT HIM much to the shock of the crowd that this dude is completely out-manoeuvring their most feared champion and he taunts "I'm going to hear you confess before you die... you raped my sister... you murdered her... you killed her children, say it now and we can make this quick"



but THE MOUNTAIN JUST CHARGES HIM AND OBERYN COMPLETELY CONTROLS HIS SWORD WITH HIS POLEARM KEEPING IT AWAY FROM HIM AND PINS IT TO THE GROUND TO WHIP AROUND AND SLAP THE HELMET OFF OF THE MOUNTAIN'S HEAD OH SHIT and he demands "say it" as if he doesn't care about showboating to the crowd anymore and would be demanding this from him even if they were alone but



THE MOUNTAIN JUST SLASHES HIS HUMONGOUS SWORD AT HIM AND OBERYN DEFLECTS EVERY BLOW YELLING "YOU RAPED HER! YOU MURDERED HER!" AND THE MOUNTAIN GETS RUSTLED HE CAN'T TOUCH THIS LITTLE SPEEDY SHIT AND RUSHES AT HIM ONLY FOR OBERYN TO SPIN OUT THE WAY AND PIN HIS SWORD DOWN AND TELL HIM INTIMATELY "you killed her children" AND THE MOUNTAIN TEARS HIS SWORD BACK UP ONLY FOR OBERYN TO DO CARTWHEELS OUT THE WAY



giving him a shit eating grin and THE MOUNTAIN GROWLS AND CHARGES HIM ATTACKING THE EMPTY GROUND WHERE HE WAS A SPLIT SECOND AGO AND SCRAPES IT ALONG THE GROUND TO IMPOTENTLY THROW IT AT OBERYN WHO JUST TWIRLS OUT THE WAY AS THE AUDIENCE GASPS



and Cersei looks down scowling as this little fucker is actually completely controlling the fight and Jaime looks over at her super relieved that his brother's going to live and OBERYN KICKS THE POLEARM BLADE MID-TWIRL AT THE MOUNTAINS FACE MAKING HIM RECOIL BACKWARDS PROBABLY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE WHICH ENRAGES HIM AND HE STARTS STOMPING TOWARDS HIM GROWLING AS OBERYN STARTS CHANTING "YOU RAPED HER! YOU MURDERED HER! YOU KILLED HER CHILDREN!" WHILE TAUNTINGLY BATTING HIS SWORD AWAY AND HE TRIES TO JAB HIM IN THE CHEST BUT HIS ARMOR STOPS IT AND THE MOUNTAIN KICKS HIM SEVERAL METERS AWAY AS THE CROWD GASPS BUT OBERYN COMES WHIPPING BACK UP TO HIS FEET SLICING AT THE MOUNTAINS LEGS AND SPINS HIS WEAPON AROUND SUPER FAST MAKING THE MOUNTAIN BACK UP BUT HE DELIVERS A HUGE STRIKE... CUTTING OBERYN'S POLEARM IN HALF! AND A SECOND SWING KNOCKS THE EMPTY STAFF OUT OF HIS HAND TOO! AND THE MOUNTAIN DRAGS HIS SWORD ALONG THE GROUND AT OBERYN BUT HE FLIPS UP OFF THE GROUND OVER IT! AND THE CROWD CHEER AS THEIR NEW FAVOURITE FIGHTER RECOVERS



and Tywin looks down stonefaced, Oberyn's lover is filled with anxiety and Jaime gives Tyrion a happy look but he's not getting his hopes up as The Mountain starts grunting as he's getting winded and starts stomping towards Oberyn who's been allowed to get a new weapon, another polearm with a longer blade and shorter handle and HE ATTACKS THE MOUNTAIN BUT HE MANAGES TO DEFLECT OBERYN'S BLADE FOR THE FIRST TIME FORCING OBERYN TO FLIP OUT THE WAY OF HIS SWORD BUT THE MOUNTAIN JUST BACKHANDS HIM AS HE TRIES TO FLIP AROUND HIM SENDING HIM FLYING SEVERAL METERS AWAY AND OBERYN ONLY JUST MANAGES TO ROLL OUT THE WAY OF THE HUGE SWORD CRASHING DOWN AT HIM AND AS THE MOUNTAIN PREPARES A MASSIVE OVERHEAD ATTACK DOWN AT HIM OBERYN SPRINGS UP AND PLUNGES HIS BLADE THROUGH THE MOUNTAINS STOMACH!!!!



AND HE HOPS BACK UP ONTO HIS FEET AND DELIVERS ANOTHER SLICE TO HIS BELLY AS THE MOUNTAIN STAGGERS FORWARD AND THE CROWD IS SHOCKED AS HE SCREAMS AS LOUD AS HE CAN "YOU RAPED HEEEEER!!! YOU MURDERED HEEEER!!!!" AND THE MOUNTAIN CHARGES AT HIM ROARING LIKE A LION BUT OBERYN GOES FULL OUT AND PUTS HIS BLADE THROUGH HIS SHIN BEFORE HE CAN EVEN REACT CAUSING HIM TO FALL TO HIS KNEES AS THE CROWD GOES APESHIT



and Cersei looks upset like it's a personal slight against her this monster is being defeated, Tywin looks slightly annoyed his most powerful soldier is about to die and Jaime looks super smug but Tyrion can't let himself be relieved just yet as Oberyn screams "YOU KILLED HER CHILDREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!" AND RUNS STRAIGHT AT THE MOUNTAIN PLUNGING HIS BLADE THROUGH HIS CHEST!!! DROPPING HIM ON HIS BACK AS THE CROWD SCREAM IN AMAZEMENT!!!



and Jaime looks over smiling as his miserable cunt family finally get their due and Oberyn leaves his polearm sticking out of Gregor's chest as he walks around him taunting "wait, are you dying? ooh no no no, you can't die yet, you haven't confessed!" and pulls the polearm out and the crowd are shocked to see their new hero acting dishonerably as he marches around demanding "say her name: Elia Martell, you raped her, you killed her children, Elia Martell, who gave you the order?!" not hiding his true emotional agony at what was done to his family behind his bravado any longer as he points up at Tywin who glares down at him airing their family's dirty laundry in public and Oberyn screams "WHO GIVE YOU THE ORDER??!?!?!" finding his perfect situation to turn King's Landing against Tywin even further and he paces around ranting "SAY HER NAME!! YOU RAPED HER!!! YOU MURDERED HER!!! YOU KILLED HER CHILDREN!!! say it, say her name"



and as his lover smiles at her love finally getting his revenge THE MOUNTAIN YANKS OBERYNS LEG OUT FROM UNDER HIM



PULLS HIM ONE-HANDED TO HIS OTHER MASSIVE FIST TO SMASH DOZENS OF HIS TEETH OUT ACROSS THE FLOOR IN ONE PUNCH



AND THEN ROLLS ONTOP OF HIM AND ROARS "ELIA MARTELL!" AS HE INSERTS HIS THUMBS INTO OBERYN'S EYESOCKETS DESTROYING HIS EYES



AND BOOMS TO CONFESS OVER OBERYN SCREECHING IN AGONY "I KILLED HER CHILDREN!! THEN I RAPED HER!!!



THEN I SMASHED HER HEAD IN!!!! LIKE THIS!!!!!"



THE MOUNTAIN CRUSHES OBERYN'S SKULL WITH HIS BARE HANDS!!!!!!!!!!



AND ELLARIA SCREAMS IN UTTER TERROR AS HER LOVERS HEAD BURSTS LIKE A MELON



AND THE CROWD YELLS IN HORROR AS HIS BLOOD LEAKS OUT OVER THE FLOOR



that was a dank ass take from that actress tbh and The Mountain lets himself fall over exhausted as Cersei sneers down as she gets her way once again and Tywin tries to control his smile as his notorious attack dog proves himself invincible yet again and Tyrion stands there in absolute butthurt as his father announces "the gods have made their will known... Tyrion Lannister, in the name of King Tommen of the House Baratheon, First of His Name, you are hereby sentenced to death" as Cersei smirks and Jaime looks over sad and Tyrion just stands there with his mouth gaping open in disbelief



holy fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck was that fucking baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaased obviously I got spoiled on this like half a decade ago and watched the fight on youtube at the time lmao but it still holds up in being effective and is probably in my top 5 favorite fight scenes ever since it accomplishes what so many creators with they could: an actually shocking moment, since even if you know it's coming it's narratively so well set up where obviously the natural thing to happen is Oberyn wins since The Mountain is a bit of a non-character with barely any lines and more an NPC boss that's known for his physical strength and evil so would typically be killed in combat by someone wanting revenge on him, Oberyn is set up as a major power player from another royal family who has schemes to bring against Tywin and his victory means Tyrion's gets to live and since he's got obvious plot armor you figure it's a done deal, and they even reiterate these assumptions throughout the fight with The Mountain being played up as a big dumb evil brute, Oberyn sympathetically reminding us of his sister and that he has future intentions on Tywin and the tension in all the cut-away reactions mostly relating to Tyrion's fate, in any other story obviously Oberyn is the dashing rouge archetype who's obviously going to defeat the hero's main villain's generic massive lead henchman brute he wants revenge on thanks to the "heh you might be big and strong... but I'm fast!!!!" meme but then BANG! REALISM BITCH! what would happen in real life is what happens: all the flashy martial arts techniques and agility in the world can't save you from someone twice your weight getting ahold of you, maybe that's the wrong word since this is a fantasy setting and I'm not even sure a human can crush another's skull like that so maybe just coherency is a better term than realism, there's nothing contradictory in the narrative where a character is suddenly far more capable than they should be like Dany always is or Jon sometimes is or a character only succeeds because other characters are suddenly dumbed down at the right time like Ramsey, it's entirely "earned" and internally consistent that this happens, Oberyn let's his emotions get the better of him and plays with his food instead of just killing The Mountain as soon as he can and he get's what he deserved, with both Oberyn's arrogance and passion and The Mountain's ruthlessness and rage being well espoused upon previously, the only thing to hint that maybe this isn't coming is you might assume The Hound has unfinished business with The Mountain but after it's Bran that kills Locke and CIA that kills Joffrey you're probably starting to realize that not everyone get's poetic demises and you figure maybe The Mountain will get clipped prematurely by just some guy he barely remembers rather than his own brother, but not today, welp, rip Oberyn I guess, he was a pretty good character, could have just been le smug seductive bisexual but they showed throughout how his hot blood was also a weakness and effected every part of his life for good and bad and maybe there could have been more with him seducing Loras for Cersei or something like that but this is some good ol Realism Bitch™ where you don't get to do everything you can do in the story like most fiction does, when it's your time to get rekt it's your time, Valar Morghulis and all that



Game of Thrones 4x09: "The Watchers on the Wall"
tower defence mobile game special edition
First aired: June 8, 2014

so we open on... I don't know what the fuck this is... oh it's the top of The Wall I thought it was houses or something and Sam is asking Jon what Yigritte was like and when he says "she had raid hair" Sam says "oh yeah? how big were her feet?" SAM IS A FOOTFAG!!!! but no he's saying he doesn't want a physical description "I want you to tell me what it was like to have someone, to be with someone, to love someone and have them love you back, we're all gonna die a lot sooner than I'd planned, you're the closest I'll ever get to knowing" lmao fucking VIIIIIIIIRGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN and Jon asks "so you and Gilly never?" but Sam says "no! she just had a baby... and she never offered" lmaoooo and Sam tries to lawyer his vows saying they said no wife or children... not no getting laid! and starts nagging Jon for the deets and Jon explains it as being wrapped up in a whole other person until you're not just you but then he can't put his feelings into words and just whines "I don't know I'm not a bleedin poet!" and complains all it got him was "an arrow six inches from my heart" and Sam says "they've already done the worst thing to me they could ever do" killing his love so they're both ready to die and Jon lets Sam go down in this elevator that it's never clear how the fuck it works to take the watch alone but then... an owl approaches, and I thought it was some sort of scouting owl like they set off the owl and it's trained to track the nearest settlement like sailors sending scouting birds to fly up and naturally flew towards land but no... one of the cannibals is a Warg who's controlling it, and in the Wildling's camp ginger nut is trying to talk to Yigritte about his favorite lover that he's talking about almost as if she's an animal but Yig isn't in the mood and says "I know you never fucked a bear! you know you never fucked a bear!" lmao and she edgily says "all I want to think about is one of these arrows in a crows heart" as she makes more and more arrows and rants about how the crows will pay for building The Wall and attacking their people and ginger nut nods in agreement but then a cannibal growls "you have a lot of words to say about killing, even more than arrows" and Yig boasts that she killing more civilians than he did but he implies she won't be able to kill Jon and she boasts "only thing that'll be left of him is his fun bits around me neck" and her people laugh at her banter but the cannibal growls in his super serious deep voice "more words, know what I think you do when you see him? serve him up a nice juicy slice of GINGER MINGE" and his men all laugh now and she stands up and taunts him about thinking about her minge and he stands up, a good foot and a half talker than her, and growls "maybe I have" and she yells to everyone that she'll kill anyone else that tries to kill Jon instead of her, hmmmmmmm maybe she's still protecting him, and then a hooded figure spies on the group and rushes off into the night



then we see Sam studying a book when the blind Targ maester guy spooks him being surprisingly stealthy and Sam asks how he knew it was him and he laughs only he'd be up wasting candles reading at this time and then laughs at himself with all these books but no eyes to read them and then Sam admits he's trying to study the wildlings and their horrific crimes but the old man just says "yes... imagine the stories wildlings tell about us" and tries to tell him "love is the death of duty" which is why he's sitting there against his orders worrying about what happened to his love, which he tries to deny, but the blind man could tell from the sound in his voice when they were together (which is a real thing and I remember recognizing the difference between a certain internet friends voice when he talked to his ex-girlfriend and his wife lmao) and the old man tells Sam about how he met so many girls when he used to be Aemon Targaryen, which he can tell Sam has already been told, and he smiles as he can still remember the first girl he made love to in crystal clear clarity in his minds eye, and Sam sits there trying not to well up as he thinks about how this poor old blind man still has as rich an inner life as any of the other men there... and they're all going to be snuffed out in a few nights, and the old man can sense his pity so tells him to go to bed, and as Sam leaves he hears Pyp trying to shoo someone away from the gate but he hears... IT'S GILLY AND HER SON, SHE'S ALIVE! and she rushes down telling him to open it and when Pyp says that's against his orders Sam automatically yells "OH PYP OPEN THE FUCKING GATE!" much to Pyp's shock he says "never heard you swear before" as he gives in and opens the gate and Sam still flustered says "yes well better get used to it" lmao Sam's balls just dropped and she rushes in for Sam to comforts them and starts crying for leaving her out there and Gilly begs to stay and he promises he'll protect her forever but then... a horn blows.... AND A SECOND HORN BLOWS!! OH SHIT THEY'RE COMING!! and the men'll wake up and rush around and Pyp looks up like ok there we go time to die as the Warg's owl screeches and he comes out of it and tells his people "it's time" and everyone stands up and stares at The Wall

and then on top of it we see Jon running by all the men getting their shit ready as he looks out North to see MANCE'S SIGNAL FIRE... THAT'S A FUCKING FOREST FIRE ok good plan burning down your only concealment and where you have to advance through and the Watchmen all light torches atop The Wall as they slide catapults into place and struggle to put barrels full of something on top of them as the bald CO asshole yells at them and Jon tells the main CO the oil is in place and he's just like "a hundred thousand you say?" and then admits he was right about sealing the tunnels and he takes a deep breath as he's realizing he's fucked his men and says being in charge means being second guessed by "every little twat with a mouth" but if you start second guessing yourself that's the end of all of them... and he struggles to keep his balls about him and tells Jon it's not over as long as they do their duty and hold them back for as long as they can and hopefully they can go back to hating each other



then in Castle Black Sam is finding a room to hide Gilly and the babby in but she panics as he's leaving them again and Sam stutters "I-I didn't mean in the same room!" and she warns him the free folk killed absolutely everyone in Mole Town but Sam insists it's his duty and he has to do it "because that's what men do" and then SAM KISSES GILLY, ALPHA AS FUCK and she just looks at him in confusion like she's never seen an honerable man before and just whines "promise me you wont die?" and he does before leaving and locking her in



and then the men all rush to barricade the door, you know maybe you should... you know... send someone to go get some help, maybe tell fucking anyone with an army what's happening, but too late for that retards, and Pyp's hands are shaking so badly he can't even collect his arrows and Sam tries to tell him this is the best place to be but Pyp whines that he's never even held a spear or a real sword before and he asks "you not afraid?" and he says "of course I'm afraid" and Pyp doesn't understand how he killed a White Walker and Sam admits he didn't know he could do it, he just went into pure instinct mode to protect Gilly and his girlfriend's son-brother), not feeling like he was Sam anymore, and when you're nothing anymore you're not afraid, which is an interesting take on the themes of people changing their identity, when it's really kicking off you don't even think about that stuff

then we see Yigritte spying on them and reporting to gingernut and the cannibal leader she only sees 20 men still on the ground with "a big fat one and a little bony one" on the gate and the ginger nut puts out the campfire and screams LETS KILL SOME CROWS!!! as Yig stands there looking conflicted and we get a really cool camera shot panning over from their smouldering camp site, to Castle Black, up and over The Wall and to the North where the forest fire rages and as the badass war drums that are playing turns into almost frantic horror music MANCE RAYDER'S 100,000 STRONG ARMY OF ALL THE WILDLING TRIBES COME MARCHING OUT OF THE WOODS



AND AMONGST THEM ARE... GIANTS, AND ONE OF THEM'S RIDING A FUCKING WOOLLY MAMMOTH!!! OH SHIT!!!!



and Jon, his two friends and the CO look down like holy... fucking... shit... as they see the biggest army ever assembled in living memory literally at their fucking gates all screaming at them and the CO orders "archers knock! everyone else hold!" and the bowmen light their arrows on fire and take aim and Jon's brainlet friend accidentally drops one of the barrels of oil over the side and the CO screams "I SAID KNOCK AND HOLD YOU CUNTS! DOES KNOCK MEAN DRAW? DOES FUCKING HOLD MEAN FUCKING DROP? DO YOU ALL PLAN TO DIE HERE TONIGHT? DRAW!" as oh all the archers also messed up and were only meant to place their arrows to the string but now they're allowed to take aim and then... they hear the horn again, and the CO turns to the hornman as if he's blowing it for no fucking reason but he yells "no! down bellow" and they look over the back of The Wall to see... GINGER NUTS MEN AND THE CANNIBALS RUSHING THE FRONT GATE AND THE 20 MEN LEFT THERE LAY DOWN FLAMING ARROW FIRE AT THEM ONLY GETTING A FEW OF THEM AND YIGRITTE RETURNS FIRE HITTING SOME OF THE ARCHERS and the bald CO runs up to the main CO and screams about the attack and he looks out at the forest super stressed and says "I'm going down there" and gives the bald guy command but he just stands there shook so the main CO comes back and screams WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? LOOSE! so he knows what to order and then the 80 men up top fire at Mance's massive army who just stand there screaming and when a few of their men drop they just scream even louder and back at the front YIGRITTE IS PICKING THE ENEMIES FLAMING ARROWS OFF THE GROUND TO FIRE THEM BACK AT HER AND ACTUALLY DODGES AN INCOMING ONE BEFORE FIRING HERS BACK KILLING A WATCHMEN



and as the Wildlings try to climb up the wall Pyp is firing a crossbow at them as Sam sits on the ground reloading his next one for them to swap to double his fire-rate but Pyp keeps missing every shot lmao and Pyp just admits "Sam? I think we're gonna die" as a man drops dead with an arrow in him behind him ooooof but Sam just quips "if you keep missing we will?" and a grappling hook comes up on the side for the Wildling's to climb up and we see the little boy who's somehow manning the elevator letting the CO guy out and there seems to be a continuity error here as the CO guy gives his speech you see the skewered dude in the middle of the courtyard that only gets put there later on anyway he yells to the men on the ground "BROTHERS! A HUNDRED GENERATIONS HAVE DEFENDED THIS CASTLE! SHE'S NEVER ALLEN BEFORE! SHE WILL NOT FALL TONIGHT! THOSE ARE THENNS AT OUR WALLS! THEY EAT THE FLESH OF THE MEN THEY KILL! DO YOU WANT TO FILL THE BELLY OF A THEN TONIGHT? TONIGHT WE FIGHT! AND WHEN THE SUN RISES I PROMISE YOU CASTLE BLACK WILL STAND! THE NIGHT'S WATCH WILL STAND! WITH ME NOW! NOW WITH ME!"



JUST AS THE WILDLINGS HACK THEIR WAY THROUGH THE MAIN GATE AND DROP IN OVER IT AND ALL THE NIGHT'S WATCHMEN CHARGE AT THEM WITH THEM CLASHING IN A HUGE MELEE AND THE CO GUY STARTS GOING HAM SLICING THROUGH WILDLINGS LIKE A MAD CUNT AND WHEN PYP SEES GINGER NUT SCALING THEIR POSITION HE JUST LEGS IT WITH SAM AND GINGER NUT HACKS A MANS HEAD IN WITH A HANDAXE AND GIVES CHASE STABBING EVERYONE IN HIS WAY AND SMASHING THEM THROUGH THE RAILINGS LIKE THEY'RE NOTHING



and up North the Mammoth gives a mighty bellow as Mance's army starts it's approach and the bald cunt starts freaking out "no discipline, no training, gang of thieves that's all this is! I commanded the City Watch of King's Landing! those men obeyed orders!" making it clear he's not talking about his enemies but his allies and Jon hollars "we can't let them just attack the gate!" but the bald twat insists it'll hold and Jon screams in his face "THOSE ARE GIANTS RIDING MAMMOTHS DOWN THERE!!!" and the bald coward just zones out and says "no such thing as giants... a story for the children" so one of Jon's mates comes up and lies to Slynt that Ser Alliser needs him on the ground, and everyone can tell it's bullshit, but Slynt will take any excuse to escape and rushes to the elevator, so Jon takes command and orders "ARCHES! KNOCK YOUR ARROWS! DRAAAAAW! LOOOOOSE!" and they unleash another flaming folley on the charging Wildling army barely killing any of them as they start hacking in their icepicks to climb The Wall but Jon tells his men "they won't summit until dawn!" and he knows "because I made that climb!" but his men are not convinced so IT'S TIME FOR UBISOFT'S™ TOM CLANCY'S™ RAINBOW SIX™ THE SIEGE™



AS WATCHMEN ARCHERS RAPPEL OVER THE EDGE TO BE ABLE TO FIRE DIRECTLY DOWN INTO THE WILDLINGS CLIMBING UP THE WALL SENDING THEM PLUMMETING OFF



AND THE WILDLING ARCHERS CANT GET THEIR ARROWS ANYWHERE NEAR HIGH ENOUGH TO RETURN FIRE... BUT THEN A GIANT GETS HIS BOW AND ARROW THAT'S THE SIZE OF A FUCKING TREE, ACTUALLY IT FUCKING IS A TREE, AND FIRES AN ARROW THE LENGTH OF A HORSE THAT BLOWS APART THE WATCHTOWERS ROOF JON IS STANDING IN BARELY MISSING HIM AND WHEN THE GIANT DRAWS ANOTHER SHOT JON SCREAMS "DOOOOOWN!"



THE ARROW COMES SCREAMING UP, SKEWERING A WATCHMAN AND SENDING HIM HURTLING DOWN THE OTHER SIDE INTO THE COURTYARD



WITH HIS BODY DISPLAYED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BATTLE DOWN THERE AND A WATCHMAN STOPS TO LOOK LIKE OH FUUUUUCK BUT JUST HAS TO KEEP FIGHTING LMAO



AND THE CANNIBAL LEADER RUNS THROUGH WATCHMEN SLAUGHTERING THEM AND RAMS A KNIFE INTO A DUDES EYESOCKET



AND WHEN A GUY WITH A SHIELD TRIES TO STOP HIM HE JUST BATS HIS SHIELD AWAY WITH HIS AXE AND SLAMS IT INTO HIS CHEST AND HACKS ANOTHER GUY THROUGH THE STAIRS HE'S MARCHING DOWN AS HE GIGGLES WITH GLEE AND HE RAMS ANOTHER GUY DOWN AND SMASHES HIS AXE DOWN INTO HIM SPRAYING BLOOD ALL OVER THE LITTLE BOY WHO'S PARENTS HE KILLED WHO'S HIDING IN THE CORNER



AND YIGRITTE JUMPS IN AND STARTS PRECISELY PUTTING ARROWS IN WATCHMEN AS THEY FIGHT AND WE GET A BADASS OVER THE SHOULDER SHOT OF HER PERFORATING DUDES LEFT AND RIGHT



and when the bald retard comes out the elevator the little kid is bravely still doing his job and manning the thing somehow but a man runs past them yelling to get to the gate as WILDLINGS BURST INSIDE THE CASTLE START SLAUGHTERING THE MEN INSIDE BUT ONE GRABS A POT OF BOILING WATER AND THROWS IT IN A WILDLINGS FACE AND STARTS BEATING HIM WITH IT HELL YEAH DUDE AND THE CHEF CASUALLY WALKS IN WITH HIS MASSIVE MEATCLEAVER AND HACKS IT INTO THE WILDLINGS CHEST WOAH BADASS



and outside the bald cunt is running away from the fighting like an absolute coward and HE SEES A WATCHMAN BEHEAD A WILDLING WITH ONE SWIPE and is like nope nope nope and runs the other way and he goes into the castle to hide using his master key to unlock a storage room and locks himself in only to find... it's the one Gilly is hiding in who just stares at him awkwardly



then back outside on the ramparts PYP FINALLY HITS A WILDLING and excitedly tells Sam "I got one! right through the heart! he's dead!" and Sam asks condescendingly "oh is it over?" and Pyp answers worried "uh no" so Sam insists "well then!" and hands him his next loaded crossbow



but when he pops up to take another shot YIGRITTE PUTS AN ARROW STRAIGHT THROUGH PYP'S NECK NOOOOO TIMBOOOOOO!!!! YOU WHORE!!! and as Pyp flails around gargling in his own blood in Sam's arms he stutters "y-you're fine! I-I'll go get help!" but Pyp clings on to him not wanting to die alone so Sam lies "Maester Aegon's coming, he's gonna make it alright" so he dies with a little hope, jesus



then Jon sees more of the Wildling army approaching and yells NOW and they drop the barrels off the side that fall down and smash into some Wildlings and then the giant crashes down off his mammoth and starts punching his way into the gate... so he can attach a rope to it and to his mammoth... and he whistles for it to pull and it does... giving a big yank... and it holds... but then him and his giant friends join in and it starts buckling, so Jon orders his mate to take five men and hold the inner gate and he takes some unlucky men down with him as Jon orders more oil on the ramps then in the court yard SER ALLISER IS STILL KILLING WILDLINGS WHEN HE LOOKS UP TO SEE GINGER NUT COMING DOWN THE STAIRS KILLING ONE OF HIS MEN SO HE ORDERS "PROTECT THE GATES!" AND RUSHES UP THE STAIRS



BUT GINGER NUT IS WAITING TO AMBUSH HIM AND THEY SMASH THEIR BLADES INTO EACH OTHER IN A FURIOUS BATTLE WITH GINGER NUT SNARLING AND GRABBING AT HIM LIKE A WILD ANIMAL AND JUST SHOVING HIM BACK WHEN HE TRIES TO DEFEND HIMSELF



BUT SER ALLISTER GOES HAM TOO SNARLING AS HE SWINGS HIS SWORD AT HIM FORCING GINGER NUT TO DO ROLL BACKWARDS BUT HE SLASHES ALLISER'S STOMACH DROPPING HIM TO THE GROUND BUT BEFORE HE CAN DELIVER THE KILLING BLOW ALLISER PRESSES Z OR R TWICE AND DOES A BARREL ROLL OFF THE STAIRS with him very luckily landing in a pile of hay and some of his men rush up to help as ginger nut starts hacking at another dude's shield but all Alliser cares about is "hold that fucking gate! hold it!!!!" kind of cool that this guy is a badman himself since usually bully commander guys are all like the bald coward guy



and then with Sam he finally moves the dead Pyp's head off his lap laying him down respectfully, picks up his unfired crossbow, looks down into the battle... and then looks over at Yigrittes position and rushes through the battle to get there but then A CANNIBAL STATS RUSHING AT SAM AND HE FIDDLES TO LOAD THE CROSSBOW AND MANAGES TO FIRE IT INTO HIS HEAD JUST IN TIME uh plot hole Pyp didn't get to fire it so it should have been already loaded nice continuity dickhead, anyway Sam grimaces at the gore he's made and then rushes up the other side of the elevator as Jon's friend and his men arrive and Sam yells to them "we need more men down here!" and he just says "tell Jon, he's in command!" and runs off so Sam gets into the elevator and screams at the boy "get me to the top! ya hear me!" not sure how a fucking 10 year old can lift him up but whatever and the boy is just sitting there terrified with his hands over his ears and Sam realizes he's screaming at a kid so talks calmly to him remembering his name and explaining nicely what to do so Olly comes to his senses and steels himself and rushes to operate the elevator and Sam yells down "find a weapon Olly! fight them!" and he stands there terrified but then looks down.... and sees a bow... hell yeah kiddo some cannibal is getting merced



and then on top of The Wall they see they are almost getting the door down so they drop down barrels of oil... with lit fires on them this time... causing THE BARRELS HIT THE GROUND AND EXPLODE IN A MASSIVE FIREBALL THAT IGNITES ALL THE OTHER SPILLED OIL IN A HUGE INFERNO



AND THE MAMMOTH FREAKS OUT AND DOES A RUNNER CRUSHING ONE OF THE WILDLINGS UNDER ITS FOOT DRAGGING ANOTHER FLAMING WILDLING BEHIND IT ON A ROPE



AND A GIANT RUNS AFTER TO TRY AND STOP IT BUT THE WATCHMEN GET ON A BALLISTA AND PUT A HUGE BOLT THROUGH THE GIANTS BACK



AND HIS GIANT FRIEND SCREAMS IN RAGE AND STARTS PERSONALLY TRYING TO LIFT THE GATE AS THESE DUMBASS WATCHMEN STRUGGLE TO DROP ANOTHER BARREL THAT FAILED TO DISENGAGE FROM IT'S RACK BUT ONE PUNCTURES IT WITH HIS STICK AND IT EXPLODES KILLING EVERYONE AROUND IT



CAUSING ONE OF THE MEN TO DROP THE RAPPELLING ARCHERS ROPE SENDING HIM PLUMMETING 700 FEET DOWN AS THE GIANT MANAGES TO GET THE GATE LIFTING UP UH OHHH



and then when Sam gets to the top he delivers Jon the news from down stairs so he gives his friend Edd command up here telling him "if they try the mammoths again, drop oil on them, if they climbers get too high, drop the scythe oh them" oh boy, you know, the Night's Watchmen would be pretty fucked if this army of 100,000 people, you know, attacked any of the 500 mile wide wall that wasn't manned and then went along it? or just didn't bother to attack Castle Black at all? or can most of their men not climb? I'm sure they could just rig some ladders up or something, but anyway this is Jon's storyline so some contrived 300 situation is inevitable, and Edd hollers "might as well enjoy our last night eh boys? LIGHT THE FUCKERS UP! KNOCK! DRAW! LOOOOOOSE!" and they rain down more fire on the Wildlings



then with Jon's other friend and his 5 men they come to the tunnel and see... the giant prying up the door and the men ask "how do we stop that? we've put 20 arrows in him already!" but the mate insists "we hold the gate!" and as the giant starts crawling in one of the men starts praying and the mate gets euphoric saying "the gods aren't down here, it's the six of us, you hear me?!" and the door slams shut as the giant, who's too fucking dumb to wedge it open for his side, sees the six of them and starts running at them and when one of the men tries to free the mate grabs him and starts saying their vows to him "night gathers and now my watch begins, it shall not end until my death, I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children" as the giant gets closer and closer and the other men start saying their vows too hyping each other up going "I shall wear no crowns and win no glory, I shall live and die at my post, I am the sword in the darkness, I am the watcher on the walls"



and they all take out their swords and start screaming "I AM THE SHIELD THAT GUARDS THE REALMS OF MEN, I PLEDGE MY LIFE AND HONOR TO THE NIGHT'S WATCH, FOR THE NIGHT ND ALL THE NIGHTS TO COME" as the giant barrels through the gate presumably killing them all, right, great work lads, thankfully the giant is a brainlet and it's just him that got through



then we see Jon and Sam taking the elevator down and they argue about Sam going to hide but Jon gives him a key and says "I need him more than I need you" not sure what he means and Jon jumps out impatiently rolling as he lands and AN ACTION VERSION OF THE SHOWS OPENING SCORE STARTS UP AS JON STARTS HACKING INTO WILDLINGS LEFT AND RIGHT TAKING OUT FOUR OF THEM



AND THERE'S A HELA FUCKING EPIC PANNING SHOT THROUGH THE BATTLE IN THE COURTYARD AS WE PAN UP TO SEE YIGRITTE STILL LAYING DOWN ARROWS AND CANNIBALS STORMING UP THE STAIRS AND THE MUSIC GETS CRAZY AS THE CANNIBAL LEADER THROWS A MAN OFF HIS BACK AND PUTS HIS AXE IN HIS CHEST



AND THE CAMERA PANS UP TO SEE THE GINGER NUT LAUGHING DOWN MANICALLY AT ALL THE CHAOS AS HES HAVING SO MUCH UN AND THEN IMMEDIATELY RUNNING UP THE STAIRS TO SLAUGHTER TWO GUYS AND JUMP DOWN KILLING A THIRD



AND WE PAN OVER WATCHMEN FIGHTING WILDLINGS WITH ONE GUY KICKING A SAVAGES HANDAXE AWAY SO HE CAN SKEWER HIM ON THE GROUND AS WE'VE DONE A FULL 360 AND SAM COMES RUNNING DOWN THE STAIRS TO UNLOCK A DOOR THAT A FLAMING ARROW JUST HIT AND WE FINALLY CUT TO JON FIGHTING SEVERAL GUYS AT ONCE AS SAM OPENS THE DOOR AND SAYS



"WE NEED YOU BOY"



AND GHOST THE DIREWOLF RUNS OUT THE DOOR AND IN A POV SHOT RUNS THROUGH THE BATTLE STRAIGHT INTO A WILDLING TEARING HIS FUCKING THROAT OUT OH SHIIIIIIT



AND JON MATCHES HIM SLITTING ANOTHER MANS THROAT WITH THE TIP OF HIS SWORD AND GINGER NUT TAKES AN ARROW TO THE BACK BUT KEEPS FIGHTING WITH HIS ONE WORKING ARM AND THE CANNIBAL LEADER SEES JON CUTTING DOWN HIS MEN SO STORMS STRAIGHT TOWARDS HIM PUSHING WILDLINGS OUT THE WAY AND STARTS FIGHTING HIM SWINGING HIS MASSIVE AXE AT HIM THAT JON STRUGGLES TO DEFLECT BUT JON STARTS GOING HAM RUNNING STRAIGHT AT HIM SWISHING HIS SWORD FROM EVERY ANGLE LIKE HE'S ALMOST FENCING



AND THE CANNIBAL LEADER HAS TO BACK THE FUCK UP REAL FAST BARELY ABLE TO PARRY AND YIGRITTE LOOKS DOWN TO SEE THEM FIGHTING SO JUMPS OFF DOWN INTO THE COURTYARD AND STARTS FIRING ARROWS AT THE WATCHMEN BETWEEN THEM AS JON AND GETS HIS SWORD BATTED AWAY FROM HIM BY THE CANNIBAL LEADER



WHO BACKHANDS HIM AND STARTS SWINGING HIS AXE AROUND HELICOPTER STYLE AND CHARGING AT THE SMALLER MAN CHOPPING APART A WEAPONS RACK AND YIGRITTE FINALLY HAS A CLEAR SHOT ON JON WHO GRABS A CHAIN AND USES IT TO ENTANGLE HIS MASSIVE BATTLE AXE SO THE CANNIBAL LEADER JUST THROWS IT AWAY AND GRABS JON TO START PUNCHING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM AND SMASHES HIS HEAD DOWN ON AN ANVIL CAUSING BLOOD TO SPEW OUT OF HIS MOUTH



AND THEN THROWS HIM THROUGH A FIRE PLACE BUT HE DOESN'T CATCH FIRE SO HE MARCHES AROUND THE OTHER SIDE AND PINS UP HIM AGAINST THE WALL BY HIS THROAT AND SMILES BUT JON SPITS HIS OWN BLOOD ON THE CANNIBALS EYES, GRABS A CARPENTERS HAMMER, HITS HIM IN THE BALLS WITH IT AND... SMASHES IT STRAIGHT THROUGH THE CANNIBAL LEADERS SKULL!!!



nice kill, I was expecting Yigritte to choose to hit him instead of Jon or for Olly to do it but I guess straight forward is sometimes as surprising and as Jon staggers away he sees... Yigritte aiming at him, who if you were watching this as it aired hadn't seen each other in a year, not sure how much time has passed in the show but for me it's only been like 5 days lmao, and she aims right at his head and struggles to know what to do when AN ARROW BURSTS THROUGH YIGRITTE'S CHEST FIRED BY...



OLLY!!! THE LITTLE BOY FROM THE HAMLET LOOKING SUPER PROUD TO HAVE AVENGED HIS PARENTS!!! YES!!! DIE YOU FUCKING WHORE!!! AND HE GIVES JON A NOD AS IF HE'S A MAN NOW TOO LETTING HIM KNOW HE HAS HIM COVERED AND JON JUST LOOKS IN SHOCK AS HIS FIRST EVER LOVER STANDS THERE STRUGGLING TO BREATHE



fucking based tbqh as I was just saying I was expecting one of those two other storylines to resolve but bringing those two together is a great move since you expect them to be switched and uhh Yigritte deserves to fucking die lmao another option could have been if Jon had had different adventures maybe to toughen him up even more since the last time Yigritte and he met, like maybe Karl tricked him into trusting him and then betrayed him and tortured his men in some fucked up way in front of him so he came back far more mistrusting, and Yigritte tried to seduce him and he just killed her without even thinking about it, since too many media have the badass hero who kills any evil men but then an evil woman comes along and it's ohhh nooo muh diiiick rather than just ice the thot too but oh well my incel dreams remain unfulfilled, and he catches Yig in his arms and tells her not to talk but she cant help but say "remember that cave? we should have stayed in that cave" and Jon does the same meme as Sam and says "we should go back there" and this cheeky thot uses her last breath to say the meme "you know nothing Jon Snow" and YIGRITTE DIES IN JON'S ARMS and she sits there cuddling her corpse and crying as the battle rages around him in slo-mo, uhhh good I didn't like her character but she could have been waaaaay worse these sorts of "oh my a woman who's sassy and one of the guys!" tropes are usually obnoxious but it worked as a good counter balance to the uptight serious Jon and it made sense why she'd act that way since she comes from a very vulgar culture where women fight as much as the men and rather than being le hooker with le heart of gold or whatever like characters who have this personality she was actually an evil savage who murdered people lmao I guess there was some drama to ring out of her with Jon dealing with that fact of her nature now that she'd been exposed to civilians in the south and like struggling to kill her or whatever but oh well back to the MGTOW life it is



then on the other side of The Wall the climbers are getting close so Edd yells "DROP THE SCYTHE BOYS!" guessing this is going to be them swinging scythes around the wall or something and one of the guys slams a sledge hammer down on a trigger that breaks off some ice and he slams it down again causing A MASSIVE BOAT ANCHOR LIKE SCYTHE THE SIZE OF A DOUBLE DECKER BUS TO FALL OUT OF THE SHATTERING ICE



CATCHING ON A CHAIN AND SWINGING ALONG THE SIDE OF THE WALL



SCRAPING THE CLIMBING WILDLINGS OFF IN A MIST OF RED



LEAVING BEHIND ONE OF THEIR HANDS STILL HOLDING ONTO THEIR CLIMBING AXE



and Edd yells "hoist her up!" to reload, ok that is fucking retarded lmao it just perfectly swings at the right angle to get the guys and they wasted that on like 4 of them and then they can somehow lift this bus-sized thing back up ok duuuude and Edd looks down at... the retreating Wildlings! and tells his men "that's them had enough for the night" as they all scream in celebration but he tells them "don't cheer too loud, they still outnumber us a thousand to one"



and down on the ground Jon finds the only enemy left alive is... ginger nut, with two arrows in his back, still flailing his sword around as he's surrounded by the Night's Watchmen, and Jon tries to talk to him "Tormund... it's over... let it end" but Tormund snarls "this is how a man ends" AND TAKES A SWING AT A SOLDIER BUT JON JUST TAKES A CROSSBOW AND PUTS A BOLT IN HIS KNEE... I was a savage goat fucker like you until I took an arrow to the knee! and when Jon walks up he still tries to stab him but he just kicks it away and Tormund looks up at him expecting him to kill him but Jon orders "put him in chains, we'll question him later" and he screams down at him "I SHOULD HAVE THROWN YOU! FROM THE TOP OF THE WALL BOY!" and Jon admits to himself "aye, you should have" interesting scene since usually it's the hero who tries to die heroically but gets taken alive



then we see Gilly's door being opened again so she grabs a frozen leg of lamb to defend herself with but it's just Sam and she stares in wonder that her love is safe as he jokes "promised you didn't I?" and then he turns around to see... the bald coward curled up in the corner lmao

then outside the next morning Sam and Jon are discussing their latest tower defence game session as their men clean up all the dead bodies but Jon reminds him this is just the first night and Sam claims this was a great victory but Jon warns him that "Mance was testing our defences, he almost made it through and he has more giants, he has more mammoths, he has a thousand times as many men, they'll hit us again tonight, maybe we can hold them off for a day or two, but we'll never beat them" and Sam asks "where are we going?" and Jon says my thoughts, just sneak over there and kill the cunt but I assume he means negotiate an alliance against the White Walkers, "GOING TO FIND MANCE" and Sam's like wtf m8 but Jon points out there's no one to give him orders otherwise and Mance is the linchpin of the Wildlings unifying and the absolute mad lads plan is indeed just merc him but Sam warns "they'll never let you within 100 yards of him" sounds like a job for soon to be stealth operative Arya but Jon figures he's dead either way and Sam warns "they wont just kill you, they'll boil you! flay you! make it last days!" and Jon admits "you're right, it's a bad plan, what's your plan?" and Sam just stands there knowing it's all fucked and this is the best they've got so Jon walks off and Sam just picks up a torch to go with him down the tunnel to find.... yeah... all the men are dead..... BUT THEY MANAGED TO TAKE THE GIANT WITH THEM probably saving all their brothers, damn



and the lads kneel down at their fallen friend and Jon says "they held the gate" as he struggles not to tear up and tells Sam they need to burn the bodies and not just out of respect as he goes to the big iron gate and orders "raise the outer gate and then lower it as soon as I'm out" so Sam waves his torch to give the signal and Jon... takes his sword off and gives it to Sam explaining "I promised Mormont I'd never lose it again" and the gate slooowly rises up showing hints of the carnage outside and Sam asks "Jon? come back" and he just smiles to him knowing he probably wont (j/k he has insane plot armor) and walks out into the North as we fade to white and then cut to black for the credits, wew

well that was clearly very like season 2's episode 9, just an entire episode of a siege situation with no cutaways to lame "Dany argues with Jorah" scenes, although I didn't feel it was anywhere near as good as season 2's since Jon and Sam are the only well written characters in there other than almost all the best characters in the show fighting in KL and it made a lot more logical sense where it was a normal siege situation even with the fantasy element of the wildfire but this episode was like everything happening on The Wall itself was retarded and fantastical with only the courtyard battle feeling like it had proper stakes as opposed to 100K cgi models trying to climb up a cgi wall they could just attack from any other area, you know what this show needs? centric episodes, LOST managed to get around the not very episodic and very serialized nature of it's overall plot by focusing each episode on an individual character, but I can't really think of any other series that did that, like all the rip-off shows of LOST were just following the ensemble cast in general, with similar shows only rarely having an episode just feature one character, like that one Xander episode of Buffy that was treated like a joke, I guess LOST is truly the greatest tv kino of all time but that'd be the solution to this show having seasons where like if you are a big fan of Dany she is only in half the episodes and in some of those she only has one scene and all she accomplishes is like she kills some fat black guy and that's it for that season and she's like the main protagonist never mind if you want to see what like Brie is doing which is nothing but go to an inn once



Game of Thrones 4x10: "The Children"
DnD combat instance special edition
First aired: June 15, 2014

first thing I notice is this episode is longer than usual, most episodes seem to be like 50 to 54 minutes long but this one's a full hour long oh my, I guess HBO have realized they can do whatever they want since this is the biggest show in the world at this stage, anyway we open where we left with Jon walking through the smouldering carnage and burned Wildling bodies and the other giants corpse, boy am I glad I'm not doing my autistic thing from another thread that'll never be published where I count up kill counts because this would be a headache



anyway then brainlet retard Jon wanders straight into the woods and is immediately surrounded by Wildlings who... let him walk walk straight up to Mance who was right there at the front lines... uh... ok... just fucking stab him right now do it right now right now right now you fucking moron and Mance notes "you're wearing a black cloak again" and Jon growls "I've been set to negotiate with you" and they look at each other suspiciously as if Jon has told them he's going back to the Night's Watch as a double agent but is really still loyal to him and is about to play that off to him right now as part of some ebin triple agent scheme to lure him into an ambush by pretending the Night's Watch are going to be at a certain place or whatever using the intel he supposedly "leaked" to them like a counter-counter-counter-ambush but that's probably too smart for Jon but Mance lets him in his command tend and has him sit down by the fire for some reason and he tells him "it appears my trusting nature got the better of me, it's happened before, I was hoping your loyalty was real when you pledged yourself to us Jon Snow I truly was" and Jon just tells the truth "the Halfhand ordered me to join your army and bring back whatever information I could to Castle Black, he made me kill him so you'd trust me, I was loyal... to him and to my Night's Watch vows!" and Mance just stares at him surprised that this dipshit is admitting everything, maybe he'll try to defend again after spinning some sob story about how his men abused Gilly or Yigritte or he wants to fight for the winning side for real this time or something and Mance calls him out "all your vows? she wasn't enough to turn you eh? were you enough to turn her?" implying maybe Mance got her to seduce Jon in the first place and Jon tells him "she put three arrows in me when I escaped" and Mance looks surprised to hear this and asks "did you see her again at Castle Black?" and Jon just says "she's dead" and is honest that it wasn't him and Mance sucks it up as if he was close to her and says "we'll drink to her" and his men pour Jon something and he looks at it suspiciously and Mance sees and promises "of all the ways I'd kill you poison would be the last" so they both drink to Yigritte, just stab the cunt right now, but as soon as Jon takes a drink he starts coughing... and says "that's not wine" and Mance says "no its a proper northern drink Jon Snow" looked like fucking cum to me



and Mance compliments him on taking out their best men and asks what happened to Mag the Mighty and Jon growls "he's dead, he killed my friend Grenn" and Mance sighs "he was their King, the last of a bloodline that stretches back before the First Men" and Jon just says "Grenn came from a farm" like they're all equal to him and then they drink again to "Mag and Grenn" but Jon switches it to "Grenn and Mag" so they're still equal and then Mance orders them something to eat and a Wildling... picks up a butcher's knife, and tells Jon "so, you're here to strike a bargain? you know I know you're low on arrows, you're low on oil, you're low on men, how many are left, 50?" and Jon claims again they have 1000 and Mance calls bullshit that he showed him his entire army and so did Jon and Mance admits to the obvious move that he sent 500 men to climb the wall five miles west and Mance explains that he doesn't want to exterminate his people or anything, they just need to get south of The Wall since Winter is Coming™ before they end up "worse than dead" aka White Walker'd so Mance offers him the bargain "you go back, you open the gates to us and I wear to you that no one else will die... refuse... and we'll kill every last man at Castle Black" and all his men take out their swords but Mance says "ah!" to stop them as he's realized they've realized Jon has realized he has to kill him now and he taunts "I reckon you could do it before any of them could stop you, they'd kill you of course, they'd you slow, but you knew that when you came in here... are you capable of that Jon Snow? killing a man in his own tent when he's just offered you peace? is that what the Night's Watch is? is that what you are?" as Jon stares like a moron at him and then suddenly AN ALERT HORN GOES OFF AND MANCE PUTS A KNIFE TO JON'S THROAT AND GROWLS "YOU ATTACKING US?" but Jon claims "no! it's like you said we don't have the men" uhhh ooooooooh and Mance runs outside to see.... A HUGE MOUNTED ARMY CHARGING AT THEM!!!



thinking it was the bloody zombies and Mance yells at his men to fall in on him as Jon hears the stampede of thousands of horses flood into the forest and the camera pans over to reveal... ANOTHER MOUNTED ARMY DOING A PINCER MOVEMENT FROM THE OTHER SIDE!!!



AND THEY RIDE THROUGH THE FORREST SLAUGHTERING THE WILDLINGS WHO TRY TO FIGHT BACK BUT THERE'S TOO MANY HORSES AND WHEN THEY MEET IN THE MIDDLE AT THE CENTRE OF THE WILDLING ARMY THEY TURN THE FORREST INTO A FUCKING MEAT GRINDER SLASHING EVERY CUNT APART FROM BOTH SIDES



and Mance looks around in horror as his men are exterminated that he clearly respects so throws down his sword and orders "STAND DOWN! I said my people have bled enough and I meant it" and the men around him surrender and so do all the other Wildlings and the cavalry stop attacking and pace around intimidating them and then out of the trees come's... STANNIS AND DAVOS!!! HOLY FUCKING BASED!!!



and they dismount all in unison and walk towards Mance and A WILDLING RUSHES AT STANNIS AXE RAISED BUT A HORSE CHARGES IN AT 50MPH OUT OF NOWHERE AND CUTS HIM DOWN WITH STANNIS NOT EVEN BREAKING HIS STRIDE to show what a finely oiled machine Stannis has his army at now he got his funding from (((them)))



and Mance takes out two knives... but drops them... as Stannis men start taking all his men prisoner, and Stannis asks "you're the King-Beyond-The-Wall?" of Mance who doesn't know who he is so Davos does his titledrop meme and Mance just taunts "we're not in the Seven Kingdom's and you're not dressed for this weather" as Stannis is in his usual chainmail get-up and Stannis just coldly says "it is customary to kneel when surrendering to a king" and stares Mance down who... tells him "we do not kneel" and Stannis warns they can't feed all their prisoners so "their fate depends on their king" but Mance wont break and says "all the same, we don't kneel" so he orders his men to arrest him and Davos asks Jon "what's a man of the Night's Watch doing in a wildling camp?" and he just looks confused at them and explains his situation and Davos insists he calls Stannis "Your Grace" and Jon insists "I know he's the king, my father died for him! my name is Jon Snow, Your Grace, Ned Stark's son" and with no reaction Stannis says "your father was an honerable man" but then asks "what do you think your father would have done with him?" and Jon tells him... "I was this man's prisoner once, he could have tortured me, he could have killed me, but he spared me, I think my father would have spared him, hear what he had to say" so Stannis says "very well" and then Jon adds "Your Grace... if my father had seen the things I had seen... he'd also tell you to burn the dead before nightfall... all of them" and Stannis looks at him completely pokerface but probably thinking wtf is going on up here m8, ok, maybe there'll be an explanation for this like Tywin cut a deal with Stannis to stop the Wildling invasion but seems a bit Deus Ex Stannisa at the moment

then back in KL Jaime's personal Maester and Pycelle are studying The Mountain's wounds as he lays on a long table barely big enough to hold his massive body and the unofficial Maester proposes they give him dat good shit for the pain but Pycelle points out he's unresponsive as "the cause appears to be manticore venom" (isn't that a monster that's like a lion with a scorpion's tail and a human head? that's real in GoT uhhh ok) and Cersei, covering her nose from the stench of Gregor's rotting wounds, snarls "bloody Martells" and Pycelle claims "there's nothing to be done" but the dodgy Dr. Mengele dude mutters "yes there is" and goes into Pycelle's things and starts pottering around claiming he can save him but Pycelle warns Cersei "this man is not even a maester, let alone a grand maester!" and grasses him up for his unnatural experiments but Cersei just says "you're dismissed... Grand Maester" and Pycelle gets uppity saying "this is my laboratory!" and Cersei just says "not anymore" so Pycelle storms out in a huff and the dodgy maester starts putting in an IV drip into The Mountain and claims "if my past work is any guide... we stand a chance" and Cersei offers him anything he needs since Gergor is one of her family's biggest assets, literally, and the maester warns "you should know... the process may change him... somewhat" and Cersei just asks "will it weaken him?" and the maester smiles "oh no" so Cersei allows "very well then" and then THE MAESTER STARTS EXTRACTING ALL OF THE MOUNTAINS BLOOD I guess doing a similar procedure of a more scientific nature that Dany tried to get that witch to do on Aquaman, I know what happens to him and it's kind of a fitting fate, The Mountain barely had any humanity and now he's condemned to losing it entirely and since he's worked for evil cunts all his life they show him losing what little soul he has left zero consideration as he's nothing but a huge hunk of meat to point in the right direction to them, also some dank realism for Oberyn to have poisoned his weapons which is a smart play for a fight to the death, either he wins and no one ever knows since his blades kill Gregor first... or he's not around to face the consequences for dishonerable conduct when the poison does get him if he just manages to at least cut him as he might have wanted to save Tyrion but his revenge was his main motivation



then we cut to Tywin who's yelling at Cersei "we've been over this, the matter's closed!" as they argue about her marriage to Loras as they are back to the situation of Jaime refusing to leave the Kingsguard and Tyrion'll be fucking dead tomorrow so it's up to her to carry on the family name and he starts guilting her into it but she whispers "I don't care" as if she's too scared to defy her father too loudly and insists she's staying in King's Landing with her son and not going off to live with Loras so Tywin tells her a story about how when she was 9 and refused to be left home alone and Cersei cuts him off "I'm not interested in listening to another one of your smug stories about the time you won, this isn't going to be one of those times" and Tywin just looks at her soullessly like after all these years this dumb bitch doesn't understand how the world works and asks "do you think you'll be the first person to be dragged into a Sept to be married against her will?" and she almost starts crying as she tells him about the time she almost mercy killed Tommen and Tywin turns around realizing damn... maybe she is a Real Nigga after all, like for a split second he has respect for her for being willing to poison her own son to save him a worse fate, but Cersei spoils it by saying "someone awful is coming to take him away" again but Tywin just deadpans "no" as she's lost him and she tries to reason "Joffrey is dead, Myrcella's been sold like livestock and now you want to ship me off to highgarden and steal my boy? my last boy? Margaery will dig her claws in, you'll dig your claws in and you'll fight over him like beasts until you rip him apart!" an accurate summation and Cersei screams at him letting her carefully maintained perfect posture and perfect diction slip into a more natural less feminine mode "I will burn our house to the ground before I let that happen!!!" but Tywin doesn't give a fuck about his daughter's suffering and asks flippantly "and how will you do that?" like feelings don't mean shit to him, only actions and if they're successful at effecting the real world enough, and Cersei threatens "I'll tell everyone the truth" and Tywin mocks "and what truth would that be?" and Cersei stands there like ".................." realizing she finally has one over on her father and goes "you don't know do you?" literally like the twitch chat meme and Tywin looks at her actually worried as she says "you never believed it, how is that possible?" and Tywin just looks at her as if he's plying dumb but Cersei calls out his entire problem "what am I saying? of course it's possible, how can someone so consumed by the idea of his family have any conception what his actual family was doing? we were right there in front of you and you didn't see us, one real look in the past 20 years at your own children and you would have known" and Tywin starts to catch on and actually starts shaking and asks "known what?" and Cersei gets a sadistic grin as she finally gets to hurt her father as she reveals "....EVERYTHING THEY SAY IS TRUE ABOUT JAIME AND ME"



and Tywin literally does the "no no no no no no no" meme and can't bare to look at her as Cersei tells him "YOUR WHOLE LEGACY IS A LIE" and the actor does a great job of seeming like he's so deep in thought as his mental excel spreadsheet all falls apart if his grandchildren are not even really Baratheon then they're not even really royalty and that means they're his DOUBLE grandchildren and his whole family is fucked and he has no legacy lmao and he goes into denial saying "I don't believe you" trying to shut himself down but Cersei just gives him a super evil smile and says "yes you do" and walks away leaving Tywin super nervously clenching a key he was holding as if the key to his future is fucking FUCKED and his whole life is ruined and he's been abusing his own children all their lives for fucking nothing and it's all his fault, uh oh, me thinks he's gonna do something awful if he's such a cunt most of the time and this is the first time he's actually emotional, ANOTHER scene that would be interesting to read if that rape had happened since that would be as good enough reason as ever or Cersei to sacrifice that relationship for leverage over her father if she can't stand to touch Jaime now



speak of the not-rapist Jaime is reading his one-page entry in the history book again which I guess is ye olde goggling yourself when his sister walks in and he snipes "you won, one fewer brother, must be proud of yourself, there's really nothing you wouldn't do is there?" odd that he didn't try to talk her out of it before the trial if he thinks they still have an intimate relationship since this is the alternate reality where he didn't destroy it by raping her and Cersei grits her teeth and says "for my family, no, nothing, I would do things for my family you couldn't imagine" and Jaime tries to points out "Tyrion is your family" to reason with her but but she claims "he's not" and when Jaime tries to say "you don't get to choose" Cersei looks deep into his eyes super confidently as if she has him wrapped around her finger, another scene that takes on a totally different meaning if the rape happened as if she's going to blackmail him with running tell that family secret too or figures he's so obsessed with her to do that he must really have power over him but oh well, and says "I do... so do you, you can choose the creature that killed our mother to come into this world" and Jaime sits down saying "are you really mad enough to blame him or that? he didn't decide to kill her, he was an infant!"" like he's just exasperated at all the dysfunctional dishonesty in his family where everyone lies to each other and himself, something that would read as completely dishonest emotional manipulation if the rape had happened, and Cersei looks at him mad for disrupting her coping mechanism and sneers "a disease doesn't decide to kill you, all the same you cut it out before it does, what do you decide? what do you choose?" and Jaime tries to reason with her talking about how much he fought to get back to her again but CERSEI JUST WALKS UP AND SNOGS HER BROTHER!!! oh my baaaaby



and Cersei tells him "I choose you" and Jaime says "those are words" as if making the same point the cannibal did to Yigritte but Cersei leans into his ear and whispers "yes, like the ones I just said to father... I told him... about us" and Jaime stares at her in fucking horror "you told him?" and Cersei says "I told him I won't marry Loras Tyrell, I told him I'm staying right here with Tommen, with you" and Jaime looks like he's going to be sick, another reaction that would be a different read if the rape happened since he'd be double guilty, since he knows he's going to be the one getting his father's wrath and he asks "you think he'll just accept that?" and Cersei handwaves "go and ask him" and CERSEI STARTS KISSING JAIME AGAIN and he tries to talk to her but she says "I don't want to talk about Tywin Lannister, I don't choose Tywin Lannister, I don't love Tywin Lannister, I love my brother, I love my lover" as she caresses him in a... very sisterly way like she wants to protect him rather than how it'd usually go of the woman wanting her male lover to protect her, and she... kneels down and purrs "people will whisper, they'll make their jokes, let them, they're all so small I can't even see them, I only see what matters"



and SHE KISSES HIS GOLDEN HAND AND JAIME IS SO ENRAPTURED WITH HIS LOVE AND LUST FOR HIS SISTER HE GRABS HER AND THEY START MAKING OUT AGAIN but Jaime struggles to get back to his senses and mumbles "someone will walk in" and Cersei says "I don't care!" since this is ye olde times before cellphone cameras so it'd just be some unlucky fuckers word against theirs and JAIME TOSSES THE HISTORY BOOK OFF THE TABLE, LAYS HIS SISTER DOWN ON IT AND STARTS FUCKING HER! INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 7 to signal he'd literally throw his legacy away for that sweet sweet forbidden pussy, now despite this being my ultimate wank fodder this is the perfect example of why the Sept """sex""" scene is so much better when read as rape, that Cersei is so goddamn hardcore she'd seduce her rapist and endure him inside her again to get what she wants completely convincing him she wants it this time and that Jaime is so fucked in the head over her and his fucked up family having no concept of real familial love or basic human compassion that he'd fuck her again even knowing the horrible thing he did last time and completely fall for her manipulations, rather than just oh it's another naughty affair between them, which just stagnates what we can learn about Cersei and ignores Jaime's inner turmoil if this is just the business as usual interaction we've seen since the first ever episode and they've according to Cersei been doing for 20 fucking years and the only conflict is that Cersei wanted to stop after not seeing him for 2 years and needs to manipulate him again



then we see Missy giving Dany her insanely long titledrop to an old man as Dany looks like she's struggling to stay looking like she's engaged in whatever this old man has to say as she's busy worrying about Jorah and then the old man says when he used to be a slave he was a teacher and taught a rich man's parents all about her family which cheers her up by inflating her massive ego a bit more even though she probably killed those kids parents and the man sighs and says that the kids didn't want to leave but his master agreed with him that he must... "so I lost my home... now I live on the streets" and Dany stares dumbfounded at him and mentions the barracks she has set up to house the former slaves but the man says there's too much crime there and Dany handwaves it saying her Unsullied will make them set but the man says he still wants his identity back as a teacher and Dany seems confused so he says "I ask you to let me sell myself back to Master Mighdal" since he treated him with love and he had respect as a great tutor and Dany can't understand "you want to return to a man who owned you like a goat or a chair?!" and the man begs that he's too old to change and doesn't want to live in squalor and there's other's feeling the same thing but Dany insists she's here to give people freedom but that also means making your own choices and she decides "I will allow you to sign a contract with your former master, it may not cover a period lasting longer than a year" and the man looks happy and says "thank you Your Grace" and hobbles off ok I'm glad that as Dany actually stays in one spot for more than a night she is actually having to face the consequences of her dramatic actions and I'm glad that's the decision she made since it would have been fucking retarded for it to be a choice between this guy has to get the first job of his life or fuck off to a shelter or literally be a slave again when obviously you could just say you are free to make a deal with him to work for him in return for food and board with no difference from last time except the old man can now leave whenever he wants which is what happened to a lot of black slaves when slavery was ended in the U.S. and is sort of what she's proposing except with the weird stipulation that he could be taken advantage of for that one year and Barry points out "the masters will take advantage of this situation, the men serving them will be slaves in all but name" OK STEADY ON KARL MARX but he's right they'll exploit all these people who are still desperate and destitute but Dany's stipulation she pulled out her thicc ass about year long contracts will probably make it worse, wait this is like ye olde minimum wage lmao, slaves that aren't as smart as that guy who can't be teachers might not get any work if they're not work keeping on contract for a whole year lissss then another goat herder looking man comes up with sack in his arms again but I know what it is this time... and he says "I do not understand my Queen" and starts sobbing as he looks at the sack in his hands and says through Missy "he came from the sky... the black one... the winged shadow" and breaks down crying as he kneels down and SHOWS HER THE CHARRED REMAINS OF HIS DAUGHTER DANY'S DRAGON INCINERATED



then later Dany is asking about Zala, the dead girl, who was only three, as she tries to care about every single person, which ironically only a megalomaniac like her would think is sustainable, and Grey Worm says the black dragon hasn't been seen in three days (sidenote: I'm watching a Let's Play of Telltale's Game of Thrones game which is supposedly allegedly canon to the tv show continuity (being played by the savoir of the aryan race, PewDiePie) and set concurrently with this season and the answer to where Dany's black dragon is seemingly between here and Yunkai scaring the fuck out of the protagonists of that game and killing some mercinaries they were battling in a cave) but Dany makes the tough decision... to seal her green and yellow dragons, who are now the size of little fucking cars themselves, in the city's catacombes where they used to keep their slaves, and there's some really good CGI where they waddle down the stairs with one flying down and sniffing around in the dark until they find some dead goats for them to feast on and play with and Dany walks over to them all sad as... there's chains there waiting for them... and even though it's going to break her heart she takes the collar and puts it around the yellow orangy one's neck and then struggles to put another heavy collar on the green one and has to walk out leaving them trapped underground and they realize she's leaving them and try to folow them but then realize the chains are holding them back and start SCREECHING at her like REEEEEEEEEEEEEE as she orders the door sealed, literally reminds me of having to lock my new dog in her cage when there's cooking going on so she doesn't get boiling water sprayed all over the place and she goes fucking apeshit at being trapped, also if I was Dany I'd chain them at opposite ends since I don't want them getting agitated and fighting each other while literally tethered together so they can't resolve it on their own and kill each other, also it's good she's keeping them away from people but you'd think she wouldn't be fucking dumb enough in the first place to let GIANT FLYING FIRE BREATHING CARNIVORES ROAM AROUND FREE but that's our Dany



then we see the old blind man Aemon giving a funeral ceremony for the fallen brothers as we see Pyp and uh the other guy up on the pyre as he talks about how they gave their lives for men and women and children they'll never even meet and they all go "and now their watch has ended" as Jon lights the funeral pyre and Stannis looks over at his wife and daughter (I was assuming the bank jews were going to do something like hold his daughter as collateral to make sure he's serious about paying them back since I'm sure they are inundated by military commanders like Stannis who believe in doing anything it takes to win including promising to pay back debts they'll never be able to just to vanquish their enemy not caring if it gets themselves killed later as they're already ready to die but might think twice about signing a contract if it means a knife to their kids throat but oh well) seeing that they appreciate a culture that also uses fire... just a bit nicer... and then through the flames Jon spots.... the Red Lady



and then Jon goes to visit the ginger nut who asks why the blind man patched him up and Jon explains "he's sworn to treat all wounded men, friend or foe" presumably with ye olde Hippocratic oath and ginger nut asks if he'll be tortured, but Jon says no, and ginger nut just assumes that means he's dying and asks how and Jon admits it's up to Stannis what happens to him now, I actually somehow didn't get spoiled about Stannis coming to save the Night's watch I never even knew he came up this far North from absorbing all the trivia about this show through the meme-o-sphere and when Jon insists he's not his king ginger nut just smiles and says "you've spent too much time with us Jon Snow" as their AnPrim ways are rubbing off on him and he offers ginger nut the chance to say words for his peoples funeral but ginger nut doesn't understand and says "the dead can't hear us boy" and Jon nods and walks off but ginger nut asks "do you love her? she loved you" and he asks "she told you?" and he laughs at the prospect and says "no, all she ever talked about was killing you, that's how I know... she belongs in the North... the real North, you understand me?" and Jon leaves and we cut to him... taking Yigritte's body out beyond The Wall behind his horse until he gets to that white holy tree and he builds a unreal pyre under it to lay Yig ontop of and sets it alight, uhhhh pretty sure that's going to fucking burn down one of your religion's last places of worship my dude but he walks away crying as it goes up behind him, hard to feel sorry for her since she was killing so many civvies lmao

then we see Hodor struggling to drag bran on a sled through a snowstorm with Summer and the siblings when Jojen collapses and his sister realizes "we're not going to make it" and her brother starts hallucinating again but this time Bran actually calls for him to look as it's not a vision this time they are actually at... the great white tree from their visions with a kind of uhhhh black looking face on it with a wide nose but also... a third eye in the forehead, obviously representing knowledge like the raven, but I guess the crazy lights behind it were just Jojen's hallucinations because when they all approach it it just seems normal



A ZOMBIES HAND BURSTS OUT FROM UNDER JOJEN AND STARTS DRAGGING JOJEN BY HIS FEET UNDER THE ICE!!! AND HIS SISTER SCREAMS AND GRABS HIM AND HODOR PANICS BUT BRAN SCREAMS "HELP THEM!! NOW!!" AND HE RUNS OVER BUT... ANOTHER WHITE WALKERS ARM BURSTS UP IN FRONT OF HIM



AND HE TURNS TO WHINE AT BRAN "HODOR... HODOR!" WHO SCREAMS "HELP THEM!!!" AS JOJEN GETS PULLED AWAY BY HIS SISTER BUT A WHITE WALKERS BURST UP FROM OUT OF THE SNOW BEHIND HODOR AND JUMPS ON TOP OF HIM AND OH FUCK!!! AN ENTIRELY SKELETAL WHITE WALKER ERUPTS OUT OF THE GROUND IN FRONT OF THE SIBLINGS!!! IT'S FUCKING SKELETONS!!! 2 SPOOKY 4 ME!!!



AND HIS SISTER TRIES TO FIGHT IT BUT SHE HAS NO IDEA HOW TO DAMAGE THIS THING THAT SLAPS HER SKIDDING ACROSS THE SNOW AND IT SWINGS A BATTLEAXE THROUGH JOJEN'S WALKING STAFF AND HIS SISTER RUNS UP RAMMING A SWORD IN IT'S SKULL TEARING IT CLEAN OFF AND ANOTHER SKELETON RISES FROM THE GROUND IN FRONT OF THEM AND RUSHES MEERA WHO STARTS DEFLECTING IT'S SWORD BLOWS AS ANOTHER ONE BURSTS OUT IN FRONT OF... BRAN!



AND STARTS CLIMBING UP HIS SLED AND BRAN STARTS TRYING TO SCREAM BUT CAN'T MANAGE IT AND IT'S ALMOST AT HIS FACE WHEN... SUMMER CHARGES IT!!! RUNNING OFF WITH IT BETWEEN HER JAWS



AND BRAN SEES A SECOND ONE LEAP ON TOP OF HODOR AND START SMASHING HIM WITH A MALLET AND HE SCREAMS "HODOR!" BUT HODOR'S PANICKING TERRIFIED FOR HIS LIFE SO... BRAN WARGS INTO HODOR AND USES HIS BODY TO EFFORTLESSLY CATCH THE MALLET AND THROW THE WHITE WALKER OFF OF HIM AND PUT HIS FINGERS INTO THE EMPTY EYESOCKETS OF THE OTHER ONE TO THROW IT OFF TOO AND BRAN CONTROLS HODOR TO USE THE MALLET TO SWORD FIGHT ANOTHER ONE



AS MEERA HOLDS OFF THE OTHER PUTTING THE HANDLE OF THE BATTLEAXE SHE GRABBED THROUGH IT'S RIBCAGE AND SHE SHOVES JOJEN BACK AS HE TRIES TO HELP TO KEEP HIM AWAY AND KICKS THE WHITE WALKER AWAY AND JOJEN SEES ANOTHER WHITE WALKER ERUPT OUT THE GROUND BEHIND BRAN AND CALLS FOR HIM BUT HIS MIND IS STILL IN HODOR'S BODY BUSY FIGHTING AND HE BEGS HIM "SAVE YOURSELF! NOW!" AS HE TRIES TO GET HODOR OVER TO THEM AS... THE DECAPITATED WHITE WALKER BODY BESIDE HIM STARTS TAKING OUT A KNIFE!!!



AS BRAN MAKES HODOR SMASH THE OTHER ONES HEAD CLEAN OFF WITH THE MALLET AND MEERA SWINGS HER BATTLEAXE UP THROUGH THE CROTCH OF THE SKELETON SHE'S FIGHTING COMPLETELY BISECTING IT BUT WHEN SHE TURNS AROUND...



THE HEADLESS WHITE WALKER IS STABBING JOJEN TO DEATH!!!!



AND SHE CRUSHES IT'S BODY WITH THE AXE AS BRAN WATCHES THROUGH HODOR'S EYES BUT THEN HE TURNS HIM TO SEE HIS OWN BODY HE SEES TWO WHITE WALKERS RUSHING HIM FROM BEHIND



AND LOOKS SCARED IN HODOR'S BODY AS HE KNOWS HE CAN'T GET TO HIS BODY IN TIME BUT... A SHOOTING FIREBALL TAKES OUT THE WHITE WALKERS!!! MAGIC MISSILE! MAGIC MISSILE!



AND A LITTLE GIRL CALLS "COME WITH ME BRANDON STARK!"



and as Meera holds the dying Jojen she tells her "he is lost, come with me or die with him" and he tells his sister "go with them" as he lays there dying and another White Walker erupts out the ground near them and Hodor carries Bran over to the Wildling girl and Meera takes her knife out of the skull and appears to mercy kill her own brother with it before running off crying from all the respawning mobs around her and the Wildling girl sees one of the White Walkers going near Jojen's corpse



so she appears to THROW A FUCKING INCENDIARY GRENADE AT THEM immolating his body before he can be converted and as our heroes run into a cave THE LOLI THROWS ANOTHER GRENADE BLOWING UP A WHITE WALKER



and runs after our heroes as the skeletons pile in behind them but AS SOON AS THE SKELETONS GET OVER THE THRESHOLD OF THE CAVE THEY ALL EXPLODE APART INTO THEIR CONSTITUTE BONES



ok that was the most Dungeons & Dragons shit I've ever seen, our party of four characters, three of them having status effects nerfing them, come to the climax of their quest and try to use all their special abilities like animal companions and psychic powers on endlessly spawning skeleton warriors too dumb to realize they need to move from the area until the literal dungeon master realizes they're not going to make it on their own and ruin his carefully plotted gradually revealed story so just has some random never before seen OP AF NPC come in and save their useless asses also rip Jojen he literally did not contribute anything to the story other than being the NPC that urges the hero to use his abilities that could have been fulfilled by Meera or just not happened at all and a confidence he found naturally and the loli explains the obvious "they cannot follow us, the power that moves them is powerless here" and Bran asks "who are you?" and the girl says "the First Men called us the Children but we were born long before them" ah these are the elf surrogates I've heard about and she says "come, he waits for you" and runs off so a very confused Hodor carries Bran after Meera as they follow this loli through this cave that's covered with the roots of a tree as others of her kind seem to fleet around spying on them and Hodor looks down at Bran when he sees a weird collection of roots almost like a tree in the center where some light shines down as even he realizes they're at their destination so he puts Bran down so he can crawl the extra few meters of the journey to his destiny and he says to THIS OLD ASS MAN SITTING WITHIN THE ROOTS



"you're the three eyed raven" and this ancient guy tells him "I've been many things, now I am what you see" and Meera starts crying about her brother but the old man says "he knew what would happen, from the moment he left, he knew and he went anyway, I've been watching you, all of you, all of your lives, with 1000 eyes and one, now you've come to me at last, Brandon Stark... though the hour is late" implying this man is a powerful Warg and Bran looks around to see... he's laying on top of loads of skeletons... hopefully White Walkers the man has defeated... or maybe other disabled people he lured there with the same trick... and Bran insists "I didn't want anyone to die for me" and the old man says "he died so you can find what you have lost" and Bran smiles as he realizes "you're going to help me walk again" but the old man replies "you're never going to walk again" hahahaahahah but he adds "BUT YOU WILL FLY" and Bran looks at him like ya wut, I guess he means transfer his mind entirely into an animals body like a bird?



then we cut to Brie waking up and waking Podrick up as she's discovering PODRICK FAILED TO TIE UP THE HORSES AND THEY'VE RUN OFF LMAOOOOOO it's weird how for like literally 99.999% of human civilization we've been riding horses and only in the last like 100 years has it not been a thing anymore and we use machines instead and even in third world shitholes people just take a bike or a pile in the back of a pick-up truck that's always a toyota for some reason and Pod desperately tries to suggest it was thieves but Brie just grabs her sword and tells him "it's 30 miles to the Eyrie from here, you're carrying the saddle bags!" as he stares off into the distance hoping to see the horses, but then as they march through these lovely celtic highlands Brie comes upon... ARYA TRAINING WITH NEEDLE, fucking finally these characters storylines are coming together, imagine watching this for a fucking year waiting for three duos of characters to get to the same location and two of them only meet in the last episode lmao



and she whispers "people coming... you can shit later there's people coming!" and Brie comes up and pleasantly says "morning!" but Arya just glares at her and says slowly "...morning" and Brie tries to be friendly as she can tell she's just a young girl and says "I like your sword" and asks "are we getting close to the Bloody Gate?" and when Arya says "about 10 more miles" Brie says to Podrick who looks like he's about to shit himself as he lugs the bags up the hill "you hear that? only 10 more miles to the Bloody Gate" and Arya asks impressed "are you a knight?" and Brie admits "no" and Arya asks "but you know how to use that sword?" and Brie tries to hide her pride and says "I do" but when Arya asks "does it have a name?" Brie gets a big goofy smile as she meets another lady who appreciates giving swords dumb names and tells her "Oathkeeper" and Arya says "mine's needle" and Brie compliments "good name" and Arya asks "who taught you how to fight?" and Brie says respectfully "my father" and Arya says "mine never wanted to, he said fighting was for boys" and Brie tells her as Podrick stands in the background looking super confused as to this new player character they've run across "mine said the same, but I kept fighting the boys anyway! kept losing, finally my father said, "if you're going to do it might as well do it right"" which gets a smile out of Arya and then THE HOUND COMES STAGGERING OUT doing up his pants and Brie says friendly "seven blessings, I'm Brienne of Tarth, this is Podrick Payne" to him and The Hound just stares at them vacantly as if he's drifting away from civilised ways so much he's forgotten how to even talk to people and then grunts "you want something?" and Pod, making himself useful to her for once, warns his lady "that's Sandor Clegane: The Hound" and Brie's face drops as she notices Arya's odd demeanour and realizes "you're Arya Stark" as serious music kicks in and The Hound notices her noticing and puts his hand on his sword and asks "I said do you want something?"



but Brie already has her hand on hers and goes into auto-oath-keeping-mode and tells her "I swore to your mother I would bring you home to her" and Arya tells her "my mother's dead" and Brie tragically "I know, I wish I had been there to protect her" and The Hound looks vaguely annoyed as he remembers he was there and couldn't do anything and Arya asks curious "you're not a Northerner" and Brie says seriously "no, but I swore a sacred vow to protect her" and Arya asks "why didn't you?" and Brie explains "she commanded me to bring Jaime Lannister back to King's Landing" and The Hound assumes "you were paid by the Lannisters" while glaring at her and he accuses "you're here for the bounty on me" and Brie grimaces at him and says "I'm not paid by the Lannisters" but he growls "no? fancy sword you've got there, where'd you get it?" and Brie looks worried at Arya knowing she can't explain this in a way that sounds good and The Hound growls "I've been looking at Lannister gold all my life... go on "Brieanne of fucking Tarth" tell me that's not Lannister gold" and she tries to explain anyway "Jaime Lannister gave me this sword" but Arya can see where this is going and reminds her "The Bloody Gate is 10 miles" and Brie starts up her autism "I swore to your mother by the old gods-" but Arya cuts her off "I don't care what you swore" and when Brie cries her name The Hound insists "you heard the girl, she's not coming with you" but Brie looks at him straight in the face and says "she is" so THE HOUND HALF-UNSHEATHES HIS SWORD, AND SO DOES BRIE and he warns her "you're not a good listener, Valyrian steel? I always wanted some Valyrian steel" and Brie promises Arya "come with me Arya, I'll take you to safety" and The Hound barks "safety?! where the FUCKS that?! her aunty's dead, her mother's dead, her father's dead, her brother's dead, Winterfell is a pile of rubble, there is no safety you DUMB BITCH" and looks at her with a quivering lip like he can barely take this world anymore but knows to hide it and insists "if you don't know that by now you're the wrong one to watch over her" and Brie smirks and asks "and that's what you're doing? watching over her?" and The Hound finally admits to himself "aye, that's what I'm doing" and BRIE AND THE HOUND BOTH DRAW THEIR SWORDS and Arya just looks on smiling like she'll enjoy to see if she can win and Podrick looks on concerned for his lady as BRIE AND THE HOUND START CAREFULLY TESTING EACH OTHER CLANGING THEIR SWORDS TOGETHER



AND AS SOON AS BRIE REALIZES THE HOUND AS THE STRENGTH ADVANTAGE SHE TAKES OFF RUNNING THROUGH THE BOULDERS AS THE HOUND GIVES CHASE WITH SPARKS SPEWING OFF THE ROCKS AS HE SWIPES AT HER AND WHEN BRIE TURNS TO BLOCK HIS ATTACKS HE BACKHANDS HER IN THE FACE SENDING HER FALLING DOWN A HILL AND ARYA AND POD RUSH UP TO WATCH AS THE HOUND LAYS DOWN SWINGS AT HER BUT SHE PARRIES THEM ALL AND EVEN TAKES HIM KNEEING HER IN THE STOMACH



AND GETS CONTROL OF HIS SWORD AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE AND HE SPITS OUT BLOOD AS SHE TAKES A DUELLING STANCE LIKE JAIME DID WITH HER AND THEY CLASH AGAIN WITH BRIE KNOWING NOT TO STAY STILL AND LET THE HOUND USE HIS STRENGTH ADVANTAGE ON HER BUT HE JUST BACKHANDS HER AGAIN AND ALMOST GETS HER ON THE GROUND BUT BRIE SAVES HERSELF AND SPRINGS BACK UP WITH A SATISFIED GRIN



BUT THE HOUND ISN'T AMUSED AND TRIES ATTACKING HER AGAIN GETTING WINDED NOW BLOCKING BRIE ATTACKING SUPER FAST UNTIL SHE KICKS HIM ONTO THE GROUND AND SLAPS HIS SWORD AWAY AS HE TRIES TO STAB AT HER LEGS AND HOLDS HIM AT HER SWORDPOINT as he's down on his knees and he just stares at her like so what and she tells him "I have no wish to kill you Ser" THE HOUND JUST GRABS BRIE'S SWORD WITH HIS BARE HANDS and Brie looks at him like uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that's cheating and she tries to take it off him but he holds down as hard as he can as blood runs out of his fists not giving a shit about how injured he gets as Brie looks at him like he must be insane and he stands back up holding her blade firm and he informs her "I'm not a knight"



THE HOUND PUNCHES BRIE IN THE FACE SENDING HER FLYING ONTO THE GROUND AND DROPPING HER SWORD, AND HE TAKES HER HEAD TO SNAP HER NECK OH SHIIIIIIII



BUT SHE PUNCHES HIM IN THE TESTICLES AND STARTS CRUSHING THEM!!! AND THE HOUND ROLLS OVER THROWING HER AWAY AND GROANS IN PAIN AS BRIE DESPERATELY TRIES TO CRAWL AWAY SO... THE HOUND KICKS HER IN THE VAGINA!!! AND BRIE SCREECHES IN PAIN



ONLY FOR HIM TO KICK HER IN THE HEAD AND HE MOUNTS HER AND PULLS HER CHEST UP AND STARTS PUNCHING HER IN THE FACE AND PULLS HER INTO A HEADBUTT AND TAKES OUT A KNIFE TO KILL HER BUT BRIE SCREAMS IN PRIMAL FURY AND ROLLS HIM OFF OF HER AND BITES HIS EAR TEARING IT OFF!!!



AND THE HOUND GROWLS IN AGONY AS BRIE GASPS FOR BREATH AND GRABS A ROCK AND SPITS OUT HIS EAR AND THE HOUND SNARLS IN ANGER AND SWINGS AT HER WITH HIS KNIFE BUT BRIE DODGES AND SMASHES HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A ROCK BUT THE HOUND STAYS STANDING AND TRIES TO THRUST HIS KNIFE BUT BRIE JUST JUMPS INTO HIS ARMS AND BLUDGEONS HIS SKULL OVER AND OVER AGAIN WITH IT



UNTIL HE STAGGERS BACK DROPPING HIS KNIFE AND AS BRIE TRIES TO RAIN DOWN ANOTHER BLOW ON HIM HE CHARGES INTO HER PUNCHING HER IN THE GUT OVER AND OVER AGAIN AS HARD AS HE CAN BUT WHEN HE PUNCHES HER IN THE FACE SHE COMES ROARING BACK SMASHING HIM IN THE FACE WITH THE ROCK DESTROYING IT SO SHE GRABS HIS ARMOR TO STOP HIM ESCAPING AND BRIE STARTS HAYMAKERING HIM IN THE FACE OVER AND OVER AGAIN SCREAMING LIKE A WILD ANIMAL



UNLEASHING ALL SHE'S GOT SENDING THE HOUND FALLING OFF A CLIFF!!!



and she collapses on the ground exhausted as The Hound hits the ground and starts rolling down a hill, wow that was an incredible fight, I remember the butthurt on /tv/ when The Hound was defeated by a woman and I was expecting it to be a scene where le strong woman who don't need no man effortlessly outskills le mean rude man but that was fucking hardcore as hell, it started out a bit daft where it's kind of contrived they start fighting, I get The Hound isn't very well mentally but you'd think Brie would be able to keep the situation peaceful by just asking Arya where they're going now then and suggesting they just go with her as they're looking for her sister which I'm sure Arya would want and it seemed like kind of a forced situation to get a fanservice "who would win?" match-up that's the sort of dumb shit you see in other shows where two people are fighting in really anyway never mind with deadly weapons just to le test each other but that's what the scene's playing on where the film-making with all the wide lovely shots of the hills starts off sort of mischievous like it's just fun to see these two duelling but we get to see some good character moments where as The Hound says he aint no knight either and is not interested in fighting with honor like Brie he's 100% ready to die and doesn't care how fucked up he gets as long as he gets to go down swinging but while Brie has high moral character she's a Real Nigga too and will fight tooth and nail in any way it takes if it's to defend herself and I like how the actress is just shrieking with abandon not in some contrived grrr I'm as manly as the men way but like she's fucking giving birth or some shit as you probably would if you were fighting for your life against a huge angry man trying to snap your neck to really get the point across that having some weird honerable fight to test each other like it's naruto or some shit is retarded and in real life you can kill or be killed in a fight by accident like it's nothing and these are two killers who've realized they have to go all out to win the only daft bit is The Hound doing the meme where he holds a sword by his bare hands, again something tells me no matter how strong you are you can't hold a sharp metal chopping weapon designed to cut through meat and bone with your hands... made of meat and bone, and I guess him smashing Brie in the head over and over again would probably take her out since he's shown he's strong enough to cleave through men's entire torsos with a sword which is probably also dubious in possibility and let's be real women have like less dense bones than men and their muscles can produce less force so she'd probably get her neck snapped by that but if you're jimmy rustled about The Hound losing keep in mind the dude has a poorly sealed bite mark on his shoulder from refusing to let Arya cautarize it so he's probably already coming down with an infection from it and not operating at 100%, anyway Brie forces herself onto her knees and then struggles to stand up and looks around and yells "Arya?! Arya?! ARYAAAAAAAA!!!"



desperate not to have just almost died for nothing and she staggers over to Pod demanding "where is she?!" and useless dipshit Pod cries "shes was just here" and Brie screams at him "why weren't you watching her?!" and Pod whines "I was watching you, I thought you might need help" and Brie slurs "which way Pod? which way did she go?" as we pan up to see Arya on top a hill spying on them rushing off screaming in the direction Pod thinks she went, I like that Brie is clearly still in survival mode here and very distraught since I'm sure she hates the feeling of a man physically overpowering her than most women do since her whole identity is built around being a warrior despite her sex which is another good thing about Brie that she's not le stoic badass warrior woman she was clearly fucking terrified for her life and is still hopped the fuck up on adrenalin and then we see Arya casually walking down to The Hound, who's still alive, but beat to fucking shit with his face swelling up as he pathetically struggles to drag himself onto his back and looks down to see he's got a compound fracture in his thigh and he spots Arya and says "you still here? big bitch saved you?" and Arya insists "I don't need saving" and he mocks "no not you, you're a real killer" (I accidentally typed killer as "nigger" there on my first try, I'm tired I'm sorry) and The Hound figures this is it, he's dead meat, and tries not to sound sad as he says "with your water dancing and your Needle" and Arya asks frankly "you gonna die?" as she's already hardened by four seasons in this horrible world The Hound quips "unless there's a maester hiding behind that rock... aye, I'm done" as he sits there squirming to all the injuries he's starting to feel and he tries to keep seeming tough and tells her "I'd skin you alive for some wine" and when Arya gets her flask he tries to shout "fuck water!" but can barely raise his voice and then laughs when he relizes "killed by a woman! I bet you like that" and Arya looks at him blankly and The Hound tells her "go on after her, she'll help you" as he could tell Brie's a far better person than him from their fight but when she doesn't budge he warns her "going it alone? you won't last a day out there" and Arya looks him in the eyes and points out the fact "I'll last longer than you?" and The Hound realizes he doesn't want to slowly die from internal bleeding all night so asks "you remember where the heart is?" and she nods blankly and The Hound give it a second thought but decides "fuck it, I'm ready... go on girl... another name off your life, you kept promising me" but Arya just stares at him completely pokerfaced not showing him mercy one way or another so The Hound tries to get her in the mood by reminding her "I cut down your butcher's boy, the ginger! he was begging for mercy! "please ser please don't kill me please pleeease", bled all over my horse, saddle stunk of butcher's boy for weeks... and your sister... your pretty sister... I should have taken her... that night the Blackwater burned... I should have fucked her bloody, at least I'd have one happy memory!" but he sees Arya's too gone to be shocked into violence so he pleads "do I have to beg you?" and she just stares like the Driver at him and he just says plainly as he knows begging wont work either "do it" but she just keeps staring and he starts to break down begging anyway "do it.... do it!" and she finally stands up and he smiles hoping his immense suffering is finally over but... ARYA JUST TAKES HIS PURSE and he tries to snatch at it to at least bribe her to put him out of his mercy and she just starts walking off as The Hound, unarmed and crippled, screams after her "kill me! kill me! KILL ME! KILL ME!!!"



unfortunately I have been spoiled that he's alive, I thiiiiiiink, people keep talking about him fighting his brother again, but maybe it's dumb fanwank and this is the last we see of him, he's a great character but getting his death wish answered while sort of trying to do a decent thing and protect Arya from someone who wants to take her away against her will but then being hoisted by his own petard of Arya being too ruthless to mercy kill him and just dying of exposure would be a poetic end, oh well rip these two traveling together they were a really good pair that developed each other well by making the other harder/softer in a believable way since Arya was already toughened up and The Hound was already emotionally vulerable, top fantasy adventuring kino



then in Tyrion's cell he hears the door opening and just grumbles "oh get on with it you son of a whore" but IT'S JAIME who chides "is that any way to speak about our mother?" and Tyrion asks "what are you doing?" and he quips "what do you think I'm doing?" and it's fucking go time as Tyrion rushes out of his cell as his brother tells him "a galley's waiting in the bay bound for the Free Cities" aaah so this is how he ends up with Dany eventually I know from webms of dragon antics and Tyrion's mind is back in the Game (of Thrones™) and has already worked out "who's helping you?" and Jaime immediately reveals "Varys" and Tyrion's like "Varys?" and Jaime just says "you have more friends than you thought" as they rush through the tunnels under the city with Jaime having to bend down but them being the perfect size of Tyrion and Jaime tells his brother a signal to knock on a door for Varys to help him and he asks "I suppose this is goodbye then?" and JAIME KNEELS DOWN TO HUG HIS BROTHER AND KISSES HIM... ON THE CHEEK THANK GOD, BUT WITH TRUE LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THEIR LIVES



and they hold each other knowing it'll be the last time and Jaime says "farewell little brother" and goes to rush off but Tyrion says "Jaime... thank you.... for my life" seriously without a pun for once and Jaime just awkwardly says "quickly now" as this is the limit of his emotional vulnerability and Tyrion looks up the staircase... realizing that this is probably the last time he'll ever be in King's Landing... but then figures if that's the case... he's got something to do first... and he sneaks out of a secret passage way in... his father's office... oh shit is he gonna merc his dad? he goes into a womans bedroom and sees... a womans figure on the bed... and her leg moves.... inb4 it's Shae fucking Bronn or somthing, but no.... IT'S SHAE AND SHE'S BEEN SLEEPING WITH TYWIN!!!! LMAO CUCKED BY YOUR OWN DAD!!!! AND SHE WAKE SUP MOANING "TYWIN... MY LION" THE FUCKING CAAAAAAAAAAAG!!!!!!! CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!!!!



and Tyrion looks like he can't believe she's found a new way to stab him in the heart and Shae, finding even a third way, GRABS A CHEESE KNIFE BUT TYRION LEAPS ONTOP OF HER GRABBING HER WRIST AND THEY STRUGGLE FOR IT BUT HE MANAGES TO GET IT OUT OF HER HAND ONLY FOR HER TO SLAP HIM AND THEY BOTH FRANTICALLY GRAB AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS SLAPPING EACH OTHERS HANDS AWAY BUT TYRION THINKS FAST AND PULLS HER UP BY HER NECKLACE BUT SHE SLAPS HIM AND HE JUMPS OFF THE BED PULLING ALL HIS WEIGHT DOWN ON THE CHAIN AROUND HER NECK



AND SITS THERE STRANGLING THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE AS SHE CONVULSES ON HIS FATHERS BED SUMMONING ALL HIS WILL POWER TO KEEP AHOLD OF THE NECKLACE AS THE LIFE LEAVES HER



and when he stops struggling he starts to lose his grip and he cant bare to look over at her dead face and he regresses to a little boy and mutters "I'm sorry" and just sits there saying "I'm sorry" not even able to cry but then he realizes... he's got one last job... the man who caused all this, even that right there, and he looks up with murder in his eyes and Shae's scratch marks on his cheek at.... Joffrey's ornate crossbow... and we see him dragging it and the loading lever down the hallway, and he leaves the lever outside a door and approaches it with the crossbow raised ready to fucking operate and he sees.... TYWIN TAKING A SHIT



absolute kino he catches this monster who's actually frail old man at his most vulnerable, and Tywin reacts "Tyrion? put down the crossbow" with his voice trembling ever so slightly for the first time ever and he sees the child-like distress in Tyrion's eyes and realizes this is deadly serious so gets in the game and demands to know "who released you?" and when Tyrion just stands there more scared than he is he surmises in his crisp low voice "your brother I expect, he always had a soft spot for you, now we'll go talk in my chambers" but Tyrion holds him there at crossbow points and Tywin looks down at his knees sticking out from under his robs and asks "this is how you want to speak to me, hmm?" being a judgemental accusatory disappointed father even now and he starts up the malice "shaming your father has always given you pleasure all y-" and Tyrion finishes his father's sentence "all my life" completely accepting he'll always be an abusive cunt to the extent that he knows exactly what he'll say since he's been hearing it for 31 years straight and Tyrion adds his own ending as if that's what he wants to do here "you've wanted me dead" and Tywin isn't ever going to beg for anything in his entire life, not even itself, and looks his patricidal son dead in the eyes and says "YES" and starts trying to get under his skin "but you refused to die, I respect that, even admire it, you fight for what's yours, I'd never let them execute you, is that what you fear? I'll never let Ilyn Payne take your head" wonder if Podrick is related to him and Tywin reminds him "you're a Lannister" but when he sees that's not exactly making him feel better Tywin almost has to force himself to say "you're my son" and Tyrion says almost exhausted "I loved her" and Tywin just asks genuinely "WHO?"



and his son has to remind him "Shae" and Tywin sighs "oh Tyrion... put down that crossbow" as if he thinks this is just another tantrum over a whore unsurprisingly betraying him and Tyrion sadly admits "I murdered her... with my own hands" and Tywin freezes as he was about to sit up as he realizes it's really Real Nigga time now and he gets an ounce desperate now saying "it doesn't matter" but that's not the right dialog option choice as Tyrion repeats "doesn't matter?" and Tywin bets it all on slutshaming and frankly says "SHE WAS A WHORE" and Tyrion raises the crossbow to his heart and dares "say that word again" and Tywin snarls "and what? you'll kill your own father in the privy? no, you're my son, now, enough of this nonsense" and tries to just move the conversation on which is actually a good tactic when dealing with someone emotionally/mentally unstable who tend to lose track of reality and are easy for other people to guide along but Tyrion stops him "I am your son... and you sentenced me to die... you knew I didn't poison Joffrey... but you sentenced me all the same... why?" and Tywin dismisses "enough, we'll go back to my chambers and speak with some dignity" but Tyrion explains vulnerably "I can't go back there, she's in there" very accurately depicting the sort of child-like autopilot mode people go on when finding themselves doing violence and Tywin automatically sneers "you afraid of a dead whore?" AND TYRION SHOOTS TYWIN IN THE CHEST WITH THE CROSSBOW!!! OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT



but he's still alive and groans in pain as... Tyrion starts reloading the crossbow.... putting another bolt in places and cranking the string back with the lever, and Tywin states the obvious for the first time in his life "you shot me" as if he can't believe it like the common reaction goes and Tywin instinctively tries not to touch the bolt in him as if he feels like he's entitled to live even now and he looks up at Tyrion and gives him one last dressing down "you're no son of mine" but Tyrion tells him the harsh truth for the first time in his life "I am your son... I have always been your son" and TYRION SHOOTS A SECOND BOLT INTO TYWIN'S CHEST I guess to really drive home that it wasn't just an accident or heat of the moment thing but he's clearly intending to kill him here and walks away sadly as his father slumps down on the toilet dumping the crossbow in the hallway



alright uhhh I am pretty sure Tywin isn't dead here since I think I've seen set photos of him meeting Jon when extremely autistic people are trying to calculate Jon's actor's real height by comparing them but this would have been quite the kino way to kill him off, a much of such dignity shot by his own dwarf son on the toilet, and I felt like talking shit about the practicality of Tyrion, who must weigh only like 70lbs or something at most, being able to overpower Shae, but she's probably only like 95lbs herself and honestly most women are useless at fighting and he did the smart thing and used an improvised weapon and his body weight in a way she couldn't easily defend herself from, and I guess we'll never get a full explanation from her why she betrayed him but I guess she was just an extreme brainlet who didn't get that Tyrion was obviously just calling her a whore and shit, which is why he was so sensitive of his father calling her that I assume, to get her to realize she has to leave the city, and I guess it wasn't Cersei that flipped her but, Tywin, and she seemed to genuinely love Tyrion so probably wasn't working for him until he had her brought back to the city and talked her into flipping on Tyrion, but maybe her saying "my lion" for Tywin is implying that was just a line, literally like Joi in Blade Runner 2049 (a far better movie than the original tbqh) being revealed to use the "honest Joe" nickname for all her owners, and she was playing him from the start, and I like that he gets cucked yet again since Tywin's sexuality is never gone into and he could be gay for all we know and only having a wife to carry on his family name but there we go homeboy still fucking thots at age like 70 based and bluepilled (the viagra he takes) and then when he finally gives the knock Varys opens it already guessing "what have you done?" but Tyrion's not saying anything so he pulls him out saying "quickly" and then places him into a similar crate he received his mutilator (that we never saw again ebin) in telling him "trust me my friend I've brought you this far" as he puts some supplies in and starts nailing the lid shut and we see him watching the crate being brought onto a ship as he hears the bells tolling in the city to alert everyone of his escape... or maybe Tywin's death... and we see him deciding to go with the crate I think? yes beacuse he gave one last look to King's Landing as if he's saying goodbye to that horrible place probably since it'll obviously be him who arranged for Tyrion's escape so to avoid getting the ol chop chop he's peacing out



then we cut to a beautiful waterfall in the lovely heaven-like highlands as Arya rides her white horse towards some new fishing village we haven't seen before and we see some workers unloading salt from a cargo ship and she says "I want to see the captain" to a black man who says "you're speaking to him" and she says "I want to go North to the Wall" and he looks at this little girl and says seriously "no you don't" and Arya when says "I can pay" the captain assures her "there's nothing in the North but ice and war and pirates" but she insists "I wouldn't need a cabin please I could work scrubbing the floors" and the captain tries to tell her "I'm not going north child, I'm going home" and Arya asks "where's home?" and he says "the Free City of Braavos" and she fumbles to get her fucking ICA coin from HITMAN™ out but he tells her "more silver won't make a difference" but she says "it's not silver... it's iron" and hands it to him and he gawps at it and realizes "it's.... how did you..." and she says the meme phrase and he salutes her and gives the counter signal and tells her "of course you shall have a cabin" and we next see Arya on his ship watching Westeros leave her behind and then looks ahead as they sail off to Essos that's over the horizon and it's light's out, oh boy, not looking forward to Arya's adventures in Essos since it's fucking boring contrived retardation central it seems mostly because GRRM wants to write about medieval British history since that's what he's researched the most and then he just has... this entire continent that's like... the middle east... or something... ? with clearly very little world building going on in it rather than it's own vibrant world with it's own complex alliances and rivalries and it means it's going to be even longer until Arya finally meets back up with Sansa and Jon and I'm sure will be her retarded op ninja self I've seen in clips, oh well, rip the show being good lmao