generic ruby literally all of Game of Thrones review thread - edgy, I like it special edition

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Game of Thrones 5x01: "The Wars to Come"
anon is legun special edition
First aired: April 12, 2015

ok so from my wikipedia learnings it seems the first 4 seasons were following pretty directly an adaptation of the first 3 books that were released from 1991 to 2000 but season 5 is sort of remixing and changing storylines in both the fourth (2005) and fifth (2011, soon after the first season aired) books which a lot of readers complained about having too much filler and keeping the casts of characters too separated and DnD tried to make it into a more streamlined story since the fourth and fifth books were hard for GRRM to write because his publishers wanted his next books, originally thought of as a second trilogy to pair with the first three books, to be shorter (he joked that printing the book in "microtype on onion skin paper and giving each reader a magnifying glass" was sadly not an option for him) and he started writing with the idea of having a 5 year time skip but then go too caught up in writing the backstory of what was missed it filled in a whole new book and ended up just doing away with the time skip idea all together, so maybe that's why its taken him so long to get the 6th book out (that as of 2019 is nowhere to be seen and fans are literally worried this very overweight 70 year old might fucking die before he gets it and the final seventh book out which probably isn't helping the matter), since it seems it was too stressful having people trying to force him to cut his ideas down and get it done on time so now he wants to take his time and do it exactly his own way especially considering the show now is the biggest thing ever that gets more viewers than most blockbuster movies and he can do whatever the fuck he wants unfortunately that means that if you think season 5 shows the strain trying to streamline GRRMs ideas just wait until it's time for season 6 and 7 when they only have hints from him about his unreleased books and are going entirely by their own writing talent oh boyo but oh well let's hope for the best

we open on the lovely shot of some boots marching through the mud and from the hairstyle, dress sense and necklace I'm gonna assume this is I think our first ever flashback outside of like Bran's visions featuring LOLI CERSEI who's little actress does a really good job of mimmicking Lena Headey



and she has a dark haired friend with her worried Tywin will find out they're out there but lil Cersei whips around instantly putting on a smug look lmao I know that look and takes her hand and tells her "you don't need to be afraid of my father" thought she was gonna say some edgy shit about being afraid of her instead and they come to see a creepy ass old hut in the woods that scares the dark haired girl and when they go in they find weird herbs hanging around and weird bug noises and see what looks like a corpse on a chair but some weird bat cries and wakes the woman sitting there up who's just some emo chick and Cersei is disappointed saying dismissively "they said you were terrifying, with cat's teeth and three eyes, you're not terrifying, you're boring" and the woman edgily says "you don't know what I am" and Cersei defiantly says "you're a witch and you can see the future" like nothing scares her already and she insists "tell me mine!" from her and the witch cheekily taunts "everyone wants to know their future... until they know their future" yeah what's the point if it's good shit you wont be pleasantly surprised and if it's bad shit you're just going to be living in fear waiting for it assuming it's inevitable... but includes you learning about it somehow... time travel paradoxes and all that, and Cersei very cuntily says that since this is her fathers land, her land, she could have "both your boring eyes gouged out of your head", edgy even as a like 13 year old nice, and the witch laughs at what a little bitch she is so then tells her "your blood... gimme a taste" and hands her a knife and loli Cersei knicks her thumb trying not to show it hurts and then THE WITCH TASTES HER BLOOD uhhhh hope that was part of the ritual and not just her fetish and then offers her three questions and her first question is "I've been promised to the prince, when will we marry?" and the answer is "you'll never wed the prince, you will wed the king" oh wonder who the princes was then and Cersei wastes her second question on "but I will be queen?" and the witch purrs "oh yes, you'll be queen... for a time, then comes another, younger... more beautiful... to cast you down and take all you hold dear" and her last question is "w-will the king and I have children?" and the answer is "no, the king will have 20 children and you will have three" and Cersei snaps "that doesn't make sense" and the witch says "gold will be their crowns... gold their shrouds..." and then bursts out laughing at her as Cersei's finger drips blood onto the ground and her friend starts telling her they need to go as Cersei glares at the witch like she's going to have her father evict or kill her anyway, alright that was fucking retarded since like all supernatural things you think "if fortune telling is real in this universe why don't all the most powerful people have witches at their beck and call?" and "so Cersei's character boils down to one fucking conversation with a future teller she had and not, you know, her entire life being exposed to her dysfunctional family?" wow great writing, don't know if that was in the books or not but either way it's laaaame



then we cut to Cersei in the modern day being carried in one of those cuckshed things to... the steps of the Sept, and that Ser Myrin guy or whoever escorts her up the stairs... to I assume her wedding, and as she passes Margaery she gives her a cruel smirk but as she passes it fades as if she doesn't actually hate Cersei but knows she has to maddog her to keep her from thinking she's weak and doing some shit to her, but oh wait... it's a funeral? they're talking about mourners and the bell is tolling sadly and some priest guy tries to tell her of all the lords and ladies that want in but she just walks away from him saying "they can wait" not giving a shit and she walks in to see TYWIN'S DEAD BODY!!!! wait... he's really dead? oh... oooooohhhhhh... oh noooooooooo... he was like the best character and actor



unless he's faking being dead to fake his death or they resurrect him or some dumb shit, I guess the set photos I saw in this meme were of a paparazzi photo where they just happened to be on-set at the same time, let me check... oh it was Davos never mind lmao fuck RIP Tywin



but Cersei walks up next to Jaime who's in his full armor looking down at their dead father (hopefully he doesn't rape his sister next to this family members corpse) and Cersei has no one left to be afraid of so starts up the cuntyness "he never wanted you to be a Kingsguard but here you are protecting his dead body" and Jaime a bit worried about what this means tells her "what he built... it's ours, he built it for us, he meant it for us... they're going to try to take it away, all of it" and Cersei asks pokerfaced "they?" and Jaime warns "all of them out there, our enemies, they're waiting in line to make sure he's really dead and as soon as they see the stones on his eyes they'll set to work on tearing us apart" but Cersei says it's Tyrion they need to go after and blames him for defending him and Jaime tries to say "this is exactly what they want" but Cersei won't stop ranting about Tyrion and demands to know "did you set him free? Tyrion may be a monster but at least he killed our father on purpose, you killed him by mistake... with stupidity" and then orders him to look at their fathers corpse as she walks around to his head looking down at him and starts turning up the guilty "he loved you more than anyone on this world" and then kisses her father on the head goodbye, obviously not meaning it, just to leave Jaime sitting there simmering in shame



then we see from Tyrion's POV of him looking out his breathing hole of the sea of the ocean, then of docks being unloaded, then being carried through streets and placed down in a nice garden and the box is pried open and he rolls out to find... VARYS with a crowbar, and Tyrion struggles to stand and let his eyes adjust from being in a tiny cuckcage for maybe even weeks and Varys just politely says "apologies" and starts washing his hands and when Tyrion starts bitching Varys just says if they catch Tyrion they catch him and they argue about Tyrion having to shit through the airholes but Varys having to throw it overboard so no one catches him lmao nice detail and Tyrion concludes they are in Pentos and Varys says they're at the home of his ally a merchant called Illyrio Mopatis and reveals they worked together with a group of mutual friends to try to replace the unfit King Robert with a "Targaryen restoration", aaaaah so Varys is a Dany supporter, or so he claims, odd choice if he desires stability since she takes after her father's impulsiveness, and I guess that means... did he send Jorah a warning about the poisoning in his letter freeing him of his service? because he knew Robert would find out if he didn't send an assassin but needed it avoided? hmmmm, and Varys complains about how they just made things worse and "Westeros needs to be saved from itself" but Tyrion is not listening at all and downing his sorrows in wine and just points out that he can't call him "Lord" anymore, and for some reason Varys let him drink the entire trip here so he's already drunk as fuck, and Tryion just grumbles "the future is shit, just like the past" and VOMITS ALL OVER THE FLOOR but immediately pours himself more wine lmao



then with Dany we see some toppling of Sadam/ISIS shit where she's having the Unsullied pull down the giant golden harpie statue from the Great Pyramid so that it slides down a wooden slide they've made onto the ground, wow thank you for destroying our cultural history my Queen! also it's got a nice ass lmao



then we see a new Unsullied character who was helping with it... walking through the red light district ignoring the whores around him but then... HE PAYS FOR A PROSTITUTE who takes him inside and starts taking his armor off but when she gets to his pants she seems to know what's up and says in the now hardcoded subs I have to watch "you want the same? same as always?" so she starts to undress but he reminds her "you... you don't have to" and she apologizes "habit" and puts her dress back on around her legs and it turns out... the Unsullied is paying her just to cuddle him and hum to him... awwww but also uhhh sad, keep in mind people unironically pay for this kind of thing in real life, literally just for a cuddle, somehow this is far less sad than paying for sex since at least it's admitting up front you are paying for affection you can't get elsewhere rather than hiding it behind ugg me just real man ugg me need to nut when it's obvious was it's really about, but then out of nowhere THE UNSULLIED'S THROAT GETS SLIT



BY A MAN IN A GOLDEN MASK!!! and the whore stands up watching him bleed to death as faint dishi dishi barasa barasa music plays



and later Barry is telling Dany that it was the "Sons of the Harpy", who left one of their masks on his body, and I guess they're some religious sect that is mad she's destroying their religion that I assume supports slavery cus Dany says "they've never killed before" Barry just says "only a matter of time, conquerors always meet with resistance" and Dany whines "I did not conquer them their own people did" and a new slave character says "they do not see us as people Your Grace" and Dany promises Mossador they'll see things differently and starts ranting angrily about them killing her loyal fighter and Grey Worm says his name was White Rat so Dany orders him to be given a funeral of his own people and they warn her the Sons of the Harpy, the SotH as I'll call them from now on, won't like that but that's all according to Dany's master plan "angry snakes lash out, makes chopping off their heads much easier" and orders Grey Worm to go find them, and we cut to Grey Worm getting togged up in his gear when Missy comes to speak with him and instead of taking this one guy out of the room of his 10 friends to speak in private they do the "leave us" meme to have all 10 of them leave lmao sorry speaking character privileges and she asks him what White Rat was doing in a brothel, again this is fucking retarded and even if a man lost his balls when he was a kid that doesn't mean he doesn't still have ideas about sex from his biology and culture and could be there to eat the girl out while she fingers his ass or something, and Grey Worm looks awkward and just says "I do not know, I must go" and walks off

then we cut to Castle Black and Olly looks like he's aged 4 years and is training in sword and shield fighting with Jon giving him some tough love and a lightly more serious looking Sam is asked by Gilly if he should be training too and he handwaves "well heh I'm hardly a new recruit" and starts bragging that he could be the first brother in history to kill both a White Walker and a Thenn and then we see Alliser and the bald cunt bitching about how scummy his men are as he himself gives Gilly a weird look and Sam warns her if Alliser becomes the new Lord Commander over someone confusingly called Mallister he'll kick her out since he hates Wildlings so much but he promises to stay with her no matter what they decide then the Red Lady interrupts Jon and summons him to Stannis who he needs to take the elevator that I still don't get how it fucking works without like 30 guys pulling it to see with the Red Lady smiling at him seductively the entire time and he just asks her "you not cold m'lady?" since she's dressed like a cag and she says "never, the Lord's fire lives with me" and gets him to feel her warm face and when she notices him not rushing to touch her like most men she asks "ARE YOU A VIRGIN?" but now Jon doesn't drop spaghetti and just looks off sadly and says "no" and she smiles and says "good" I guess since she can tell he's the kind of pois dedicated type that would be hard to seduce if he hadn't already broken his vows and then on top of The Wall Stannis and Davos are standing edgily at the edge looking out over the North and the Red Lady introduces Jon as "the bastard of Winterfell" who kneels for him and Stannis talks about how Roose rules there now "the traitor who plunged a dagger in Robb Stark's heart, don't you want to avenge him?" and Jon furrows his brow super heavily in that constipated way he does and says "I want a great many things Your Grace, but I'm a sworn brother of the Night's Watch now" and Davos warns him he's losing popularity giving Yigritte a private funeral and Jon drops some #resisttrump shit and says "they were born on the wrong side of The Wall, that doesn't make them monsters" #getwoke and Stannis promises Jon that now Tywin is dead he'll take back the North by "putting Roose Bolton's head on a spike" since they're the last two men standing besides the absolutely useless retarded islandnigger Greyjoys but he says he needs more men and Jon tries to say his men are sworn to whatever but Stannis doesn't want his 80 remaining retards "I'm talking about the damn Wildlings" oh shit and Jon looks at him worried like this is gonna end badly and Stannis says he'll pardon them and give them citizenship if they side with him "I'll give them their lives and their freedom if Mance kneels before me and swears his loyalty" and Jon says "I don't think that's likely?" and Stannis tells him "convince him to bend the knee or he burns" and gives him until nightfall, uh oh



then with CIA and Sansa he's trying to have the zoomer prince Robin trained to swordfight as all great kings must be but the kid is completely useless and already winded lmao and despite his partner being a boy his own age clearly going easy on him he is falling all over himself from LITERALLY BEING A NEET HIKKIMORI WHO'S NEVER LEFT HIS HOUSE and some new character Royce decries "HE SWINGS A SWORD LIKE A GIRL WITH PALSY" lmao, I guess they have the same name for that condition there too, and CIA and Sansa give him the evil eye as a boy delivers CIA a letter presumably about the latest big death and he slides it up his sleeve and tells him Robin just needs his great name as the poor lad flails around like an idiot panting and yelping as the other boy lamely twats his shield with a wooden sword lmao, that kid who was probably only cast for a meme roll like 5 fucking years ago as a screaming kid is doing a really good job of the physical acting of a completely ungainly boy falling over himself and CIA is apparently leaving and requests from Royce that he improve his step-son's abilities and Royce sighs and says "he'll be safe, you have my word, as to his skills... I make no promises" lmaooo



then we cut to Podrick with a new horse bringing the sleeping mats over to Brie who's sadly examining her valyraian steel blade, which I recently learned from a youtube video where I learn everything from is a stand-in for a real ancient metal called damascus steel that was infamous for seemingly never going blunt but the technique required to make it has been lost to time and even though we still have samples of it no one knows how the fuck it was made lmao, and he ass if they should try going to Castle Black next and Brie tells him she only brought him to keep him safe from King's Landing and he's safe up there and Pod dopey says "but I'm your squire" and Brie smirks and asks "do you even know what a squire is?" and he kneels there sadly as she points out "I'm not a knight so you're not a squire" and when he asks what he'll do she snaps "I don't know I'm not your mother" and after an awkward silence Pod tries to exploit her sense of duty about Sansa but she snaps at him to stfu and starts complaining about how she's no leader and just wanted to fight for a Lord she believed in but "the good lords are dead and the rest are monsters" which is true and she probably hasn't even heard Stannis is sacrificing people to a fire god she's still mad about the smoke monster prank and Pod looks sad like she's just as lost as he is but then he hears a horse and carriage riding past on a near by road and watches it go past as we see it has CIA and Sansa herself in it lmaoooooooooo poor Brie keeps missing her mission by a few yards again and the two of them are discussing their evil plans with Sansa being just as devious as him now adays and CIA loving it and he reminds her not to trust anyone around Robin and she just cheekily points out they're surrounded by driver and knights they can't trust right now and CIA chuckles at her good point and tells her he's taking her "to a land so far away even Cersei Lannister can't get her hands on you" oh boy we're all going to Essos aren't we

then with the bitch queen herself Loras is in the background giving his condolences as Cersei sips on her ever present glass of wine and rolls her eyes at her literally gay fiance trying to sound like he didn't hate Tywin by talking about his formidable presence and Cersei just brushes him off and walks away and Pycelle tries to talk to her to throw Varys under the bus as he's clearly behind it but Cersei doesn't give a shit and just walks off and a weird young man walks up and... it's COUSIN LANCEL who's cut his long hair short, wearing a raggedy robe and acting weird and spaced out and his father, I guess Cersei's uncle, appears and apologizes for his appearance explaining "they call themselves sparrows" as his son wanders off and he goes on "religion has it's place of course but at a certain point..." and blames this coming to the capital on Tywin's death but Cersei isn't interested and excuses herself taking yet another glass of wine on her way out, ok very nice of them to finally bring religion as an important story element into the plot even though in medieval europe religion governed literally every aspect of life from a peasants daily routine to who the most powerful people were, and when we see Cersei looking out of a window sadly when Lancel creeps back up and Cersei notices the arrow wound that she aggravated on his shoulder has healed but she says blankly "it wasn't my wounds that needed healing" inb4 he's been castrated or some shit and he's there to apologize for "leading you into darkness" and Cersei says sardonically "I doubt you've ever led anyone anywhere" and when Lancel tries to say "I tempted you into our... unnatural relations" she looks around awkwardly and Lancel finally reveals "and of course there was the King... his boar hunt... his wine" OH SHIT CERSEI HAD LANCEL POISON KING ROBERT and Cersei smiles at him like I fucking dare you to blackmail me cunt and see what happens with the same hunger for conflict her father showed Oberyn and politely says "I don't know what you're talking about" and Lancel claims "I'm a different person now... I've found peace in the light of the Seven" looking rather nervous as if he's scared of whoever converted him and wants to make sure he gets the spiel right and he tries to convert her promising "they dole out mercy... or justice... their world is at hand... I will pray for your fathers soul" and CERSEI STARTS SNIGGERING AT HIM and laughs "the day Tywin Lannister's soul needs your help..." but can't even finish her joke and stands there sipping wine waiting for him to fuck off



then we see Loras is in bed again with the pimp of CIA's brothel who's tracing a birth mark on his leg telling him how it's shaped just like Dorne but Loras doesn't seem to want to think about that place as his lover suggests they visit and Loras says Highgarden or anywhere would be better than here since I guess both those places are more gay friendly than the capital and they start making out when MARGAERY WALKS IN ON HER BROTHER HAVING GAY SEX and just stands there watching creepily uhhhh yeah that's gonna be a INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 8 from me sis, and she finally says "we're late as it is" startling Loras away from his lover and he decries "you're very respectful" rushing to pull the sheets over his boner and Marg just says "I'm very hungry" and... closes the door, and his lover laughs at this weird situation but then Marg starts seductively eating grapes and sits on the bed and asks him his name, and Olyvar introduces himself, and she tells him her brother is keeping the King waiting so he gives Loras one last kiss as Marg sits there patiently and walks out and she asks her brother to be a bit more discrete but Loras whines "everyone knows everything about everyone, what's the point of trying to keep a secret in a place like this?" and points out that "with Tywin dead that means no one can force Cersei to marry me" and points out that's not what Marg wanted since it would have sent them to Highgarden leaving Marg at the capital with full influence over the King and she angrily throws the pip from her grape into a bucket and just teases "perhaps"



then we see Tyrion in a nice garden drinking yet again looking out to see when a differently dressed Varys wanders up saying "Eunuch, the Spider, the Master of Whisperers... Imp, Half-Man... there are faster ways to kill yourself" trying to get Tyrion back on the wagon but he just quips "not for a coward" and keeps drinking which Varys claims he's not and then claims he freed Tyrion because Jaime told him to which Tyrion doesn't buy so Varys claims it was for the good of the Kingdoms because even though he's no saviour he's "a man of talent who'll have a role to play in the war to come" but Tyrion wants out and Varys challenges him "anyone can be born into power, but earning it, that takes work" to play on Tyrion's ego telling him "you have your father's instincts for politics and compassion" but he shouldn't have mentioned his father as Tyrion mocks "compassion? yes... I killed my lover with my bare hands, I shot my father with a crossbow" and Varys just quips "I never said you were perfect" lmaooo and when Tyrion cuts to the chase and asks what he wants and Varys claims "peace, prosperity, a land where the powerful do not prey on the powerless" and Tyrion mocks "where the castles are made of gingerbread and the moats are filled with blackberry wine, the powerful have always preyed on the powerless, that's how they became powerful in the first place" and Varys, quite the wokepiller, suggests "perhaps, perhaps we've grown so used to horror we assume there's no other way?" and starts floating the idea of him being King but Tyrion knows that's impossible and Varys admits he's right, just using him as an example of someone fit to rule, but points out he could help someone else sit on the Iron Throne as "the Seven Kingdom's needs someone stronger than Tommen but gentler than Stannis" and Tyrion hangs his head not wanting to think about all this horrible shit anymore and Varys says he wants "a monarch who can intimidate the high Lords and inspire the people, a ruler loved by millions with a powerful army and the right family name" and Tyrion mocks "good luck finding him" and Varys drops "who said anything about "him"?" and Tyrion realizes who he's talking about and Varys offers him the choice between drinking himerself to death or coming with him to Meereen meet Dany and Tyrion jokes "can I drink myself to death on the road to Meereen?", alright already I am far less interested in Varys since he just laid all his cards down on the table... and for the worst character in the show lmaoooo, and Tyrion has gone from the lovable underdog of King's Landing to Varys' pity sidekick, lovely jubbly



then in Meereen that guy who whined about Dany killing his father asks Daario why the Unsullied are patrolling the streets and he blames his friends the two report to Dany that their mission to Yunkai was a success and the old masters agreed to give up power to a counsel of freed men but also former slaveholders that reports directly to her and when he mentions their concessions Dany smiles and he tries to explain "politics is the art of compromise" she smiles smugly and says "I'm not a politician, I'm a queen" very epic and cool and definitely won't just encourage people to kill her if she insists on ruling by right makes right and then it all goes to shit the second she dies since no one learned anything but to be scared of her



and this Hizdahr guy, who I'll call Hizzy so I remember it, tries to reason that "it's easier to rule happy subjects than angry ones" but Dany says fuck em lmao and Hizzy says their request is to reopen the fighting pits which appals Dany but Hizzy explains the former fighting slaves plead to fight again but Dany refuses to "respect the tradition of human cockfighting" idk sounds hot to me and then later that night Dany is in bed with Daario again looking at his muscular ass as they argue about the fighting pits and Daario walks around the scene like it's Austin Powers with his back turned and then the desk blocking his cock as I guess the actor doesn't want to go full nude as he talks about his whore mother selling him to a slaver which he blames himself for and explains he's been fighting in the pits since he was 16 and Dany points out this pathetic cuckold "you were sold into slavery, forced to fight to the death for the amusement of the masters and you're defending the fighting pits?" hey at least he's not defending being circumcised lmaooooooo



and Daario explains he "learned to fight like a Dothraki screamer, a Norvoshi priest, a Westerosi knight, soon I was famous, 10,000 men and women screamed my name when I stepped into the pit, I made so much money for my master he set me free when he died" which is an odd concept but I think it actually happened in real life, like how would a slave prove they're free, carry the letter around with them at all times? who would give a shit about that when slaves are kept against their will? why don't slaves just tell their masters I will fucking kill you you old faggot if you don't free me if it's just up to them signing a piece of paper? anyway Dany is not convinced so he starts buttering her up saying "you're the queen, everyone's too scared of you to tell the truth other than me, you've made thousands of enemies all across the world, as soon as they see weakness they'll attack, show your strength, here, now" yeah by giving into demands good argument and he scoffs at Dany claiming the Unsullied show she's strong as anyone can buy them and bigs her up as le mother of le dragons and Dany admits "I don't want another dead child dropped at my feet, no one's seen Drogon in weeks" wow "Drogon", original name there Dany and she admits to her lover "I can't control them anymore" and he mocks "a dragon queen with no dragons? is not a queen" manipulating her into making the very dumb decision to

...open up the catacombs that have her other two dragons in them... and it's dark as fuck and really scary as she apprehensively walks down hoping they're not too mad about being chained up down there... and she just wades into the darkness until she hears... one of the chains being moved... and she calls out "Viserion? Rhaegal?" and I'm waiting for the jump scare.... uhhgggg the camera pans to the darkness as.... oohuughhhhh



THE ORANGE ONE ILLUMINATES THE ROOM WITH A BURST OF FLAME JUST IN TIME FOR DANY TO SEE THE GREEN ONE LUNGING AT HER AND BACK AWAY FROM IT'S BITE OH FUUUUUAAAAAAA and she tries to say "easy easy easy" but



THEY BOTH SPRAY FIRE INTO THE AIR IN ANGER, BOTH NOW THE SIZE DROGON WAS WHEN WE LAST SAW HIM, THE SIZE OF FUCKING PICK-UP TRUCKS and she has to rush out in terror not knowing what the fuck to do, ok glad she's getting some realistic complications finally after four seasons of speedrunning an entire continent



then back at Castle Black Jon is coming to talk to Mance and he jokes about how the roles have changed from their first meeting to their last... already knowing what Stannis wants and that he'll refuse and Jon seems to respect Stannis for being bold and Mance admits he'd be better than the fools in charge for the last 100 years "but I'll never serve him" and Jon tries to use his concern for his people but Mance just says "I don't want them bleeding for Stannis Baratheon either" and Jon feeds his ego for rallying 90 clans together, not for power or glory, but to save them from winter and challenges "isn't their survival more important than your pride?" and Mance snaps "pride? fuck my pride" and walks around the room angrily and explains they won't respect him if he kneels for a southern King and Jon tries to get him to do it for the women and children rather than be "afraid of looking afraid" and Mance just openly admits he's afraid "no shame in that" and asks how they'll kill him and Jon warns him "they'll burn you alive" and Mance's eye twitches as he can see he's not bluffing and sighs "bad way to go" and admits that's not how he wants to be remembered "but it's better than betraying everything I believe" and Jon tells him they would indeed sing songs about the man who'd "rather burn that kneel"... "until the White Walkers come and there's no one left to sing" and Mance compliments Jon "you're a good lad, you truly are" but refuses to sign his people up as a foreigners pawns so Jon goes to leave and tells him "you're making a terrible mistake" and Mance stares at him and says "the freedom to make my own mistakes was all I ever wanted", Mance is pretty based since he's one of the only characters who genuinely believes in freedom to the extent he'd defect to the Wildlings and is one of the only character who openly shows his emotions finding no need to be dishonest, but he's still a not entirely good character since he still has to wrangle literal cannibals under his command never mind what savages the rest of his people are that he can't stop, I guess since the Wildlings are stand-ins for the ancient Scots that the Romans built Hadrians's Wall to keep out in real life that'd make him a sort of William Wallace character, but it seems like he's about to meet the same fate as they lead him outside to... a funeral pyre for these fucking savages that do worse shit than his people have ever been shown doing are going to immolate him on, and he stands before Stannis who asks him one last time "bend the knee and I promise you mercy" and just like the scene in Braveheart where the King or whoever offers Mel Gibson mercy if he'll just kiss his robes Mance looks around at ginger nut and a few other POWs and then at Jon and when Stannis tries to force a smile as he offers "kneel and live" Mance looks around at Castle Black and ponders how "this was my home for many years" as if he's thinking about how he's spent his life and just tells Stannis "I wish you good fortune in the wars to come"... and stays standing... and Stannis gives a real smile at his bravery and he nods for his men to handcuff him around the pyre and Stannis' daughter and wife look on as the Red Lady walks up and starts giving a speech about how "we all must choose, man or woman, young or old, lord or peasant, our choices are the same, we choose light or we choose darkness, we choose good or we choose evil, we choose the true god or the false" and she takes a flaming torch from a guard and says to the POWs "free folk, there is only one true king, and his name is Stannis, here stands your king of lies, behold the fate of those who choose the darkness" and THE RED LADY SETS MANCE RAYDER'S PYRE ALIGHT



and he starts breathing heavily as he feels the heat and everyone present looks nervously as the fire slowly spreads over the pyre and he starts fidgeting as he feels the heat rising up through the logs to his feet and he starts struggling to breath as smoke fills the air and he gives ginger nut one last look who grumbles with respect at what a steadfast man he is willing to die for no one else's principals but his own and Jon can't bare to watch and runs off with Olly looking at him like he's a pussy as he's seen much worse and Gilly buries her head in Sam's shoulder as Mance starts crying as the heat starts to burn his feet and Stannis' cunt wife looks down smiling as ginger nut looks on in horror as his hero is roasted alive and as the flames start coming up around Mance and he cringes and gurns in fear AN ARROW FLIES INTO HIS HEART FIRED BY...



JON and Mance looks up to see the man who spared him an agonizing death as he flops down dead just as his body starts to catch fire and everyone stands around awkwardly lmao, I guess that's to show Jon taking on Mance's ideology of making your own choices even if they're mistakes just because you personally think it's right no matter how mad that would make the Red Lady and Stannis





Game of Thrones 5x02: "The House of Black and White"
welcome to the ICA, agent 14 (year old girl) special edition
First aired: April 19, 2015

we open on Arya looking edgy as usual as she sees the giant soldier above the bay of Braavos as the Captain tells her the legends say it used to come alive to defend the city but she doesn't believe it and then flinches as they hears her first foghorn announcing their arrival but she insists "I'm not afraid" as she enters this ancient Rome style city



and we get some relaxing peaceful cheery music as she sees all the different cultures at the docks trading the new imports that are constantly being brought in like exotic fish and baskets and he rows her in a little rowing boat through a Venice-style water-street until they get to the bank that Stannis visited and he names it "The House of Black and White, this is where you'll find the man you seek" oh I guess it isn't the bank? unless they fund the assassins dudes? and the captain leaves her explaining "any man of Braavos would have done the same" giving the meme phrase to her as he rows off leaving her to walk up this old roman-style huge building and she awkwardly knocks on these two big doors, one black and one white, sort of continuing the Red Lady's theme of darkness v light, and an elderly black man in a white robe, continuing the them again I guess, opens the door, and she says the meme phrase and he just stares blankly at her, so she takes out the fucking HITMAN™ coin and explains Jaqen gave it to her but he just says "there's none here by that name" and goes to leave but she begs "please I have no where else to go" and he flippantly says "you have everywhere else to go" and slams the door in her face and locks it lmaooooooo and Arya looks out across the water back at the city and sighs wondering what the fuck she'd do now, and she goes with... just sitting on the steps saying her autistic revenge mantra until it's the middle of the night... and she seems to have taken The Hound off the list and perhaps she's heard Tywin's dead as he's off too and so's Illyn Payne for some reason and it's down to just "Cersei, Walder Frey, The Mountain, Meryn Trant" guess she hasn't heard The Mountain is RIP too but I guess Cersei is keeping that secret and making it seem like he's just getting medical treatment and not a fucking zombie, and then when it's daytime after spending all night doing that she finally decides to walk off and figuring it did her no good tosses the HITMAN™ coin into the water



then we see Brie and Pod, who it seems she hasn't bought a horse for and he has to walk everywhere lmao, and he awkwardly tries to make smalltalk about how the inn they're arriving at "must be good if it's crowded" but she's not in the mood after he fucked up losing Arya, and she sits at the table depressed forcing down food as Pod smiles to a cute barmaid handing out top-ups of ale and IN THE SAME TAVERN IS CIA AND SANSA who CIA compliments for noticing him recievingt that scroll and she says "my mother used to say: dark wings, dark words" as Pod looks around the Tavern wondering why all the armored soldiers are there and CIA tells her "my marriage proposal has been accepted" hmmmm and Sansa deadpans "aren't you still mourning the death of my beloved Aunt Lysa?" as he waves off the barmaid but when Sansa accepts it catches Pod's attention but he can only see the oddly modern-real-lifely dressed CIA but when Sansa turns turns to get he drink Pod mutters "My Lady... Stansa Stark! don't look! she's dyed her hair but it's her, she's sitting with Petyr Baelish, a bunch of knights with them" based Pod and Brie tries to keep herself from looking as she snaps "a bunch? what's a bunch Podrick? six? twenty?" starting to freak out that it could kick off at any second if they're made and Podrick warns "ten, too many, I don't think this is the right t-" but Brie says "ready the horses" and puts her hand on her sword and Pod worriedly says "we only have one horse" so she insists "find more" and he rushes off knowing he can't stop such a determined woman and wanting to get the fuck out of there before it all kicks off and we see CIA talking to the now very stoic (which Sophie Turner does a terrible job of acting and makes it seem like Sansa is faking very obviously being more world weary, also Sansa has become significantly less attractive lmao)



about drinking, asking why men love it so much, and CIA explains "it gives some men courage" and when she asks "does it give you courage?" he just looks at her with a cheeky expression when just like in HITMAN™ his guards stop Brie from approaching their table and she calls out "Lord Baelish, Lady Sansa, my name is Brienne of Tarth" and CIA reminds her "we've met, with Renly Baratheon, what did he say about you? he said "your loyalty came free of charge" someone appears to have paid quite a bit for it since then" looking at her high-tech new armor and getting under her skin by reminding her of Renly and claiming she's turned mercenary and the guard awkwardly looks at him but he waves to let her through and she allows herself to be surrounded by guards to kneel down to proudly say "Lady Sansa, before your mother's death I was her sworn sword, I gave my word I would find you and protect you, I will shield your back and keep your counsel and give my life for yours if need be I swear it by the old gods and the new" and Sansa just stares bankly at this strange woman dedicating her life to her and CIA smarms "please Lady Brienne no need for such formality" and starts to fuck with her saying Cat never mentioned her to him but she instantly explains "it was after Renly's murder" and CIA tries a different route "ah yes you were accused of killing him" and Brie snaps "I tried to save him" and they argue about what happened with Brie knowing how it will sound as she says to everyone "he was murdered by a shadow... a shadow with the face of Shadow Baratheon" and CIA repeats "a shadow with the face..." and scoffs, what a dumb fucking storyline since it's literally a supernatural thing she can't explain, and he points out "this woman swore to protect Renly... she failed.... she swore to protect your mother... she failed, why would I want someone with your track record of failure protecting Lady Sansa?"



and Brie snaps back "why should you have any say in her affairs?" and CIA explains "I am her uncle, I married her Aunt Lysa shortly before my beloved's untimely death, we're family now and you're an outsider, forgive me Lady Brienne but experience has made me wary of outsiders" and some tension music starts up as Brie gives shifty looks between them as she realizes this dude probably fucking murdered her aunt and might be holding her against her will and asks "Lady Sansa if we could have a word alone-" but Sansa instantly says "no, I saw you at Joffrey's wedding bowing to the King" which she might not even mean and just wants her to fuck off and leave her to play the Game of Thrones with CIA as her best chance to get revenge on Cersei and Brie tries to excuse "neither of us wanted to be there, sometimes we don't have a choice" and Sansa claims "and sometimes we do, you should leave" and CIA smarmely offers Brie an invitation to stay and Brie looks at Sansa one last time and can see she's genuinely not wanted so simply barges past the guards and one tries to say "the man asked you to stay" so SHE ELBOWS THE GUARD IN THE FACE AND LEGS IT OUTSIDE DOING YE OLDE SABOTAGING THE CARS MEME BY HACKING THE POST THE OTHER HORSES ARE TIED TO OPEN AND YELLING AT THEM TO MAKE THEM FLEE AND HOPS ON A STOLEN HORSE PODRICK'S GOTTEN FOR HER AND RIDES BY A GUARD SLASHING HIS CHEST OPEN



AND THEN CUTTING THE LAST HORSE'S ROPE FREE SO IT FLEES TOO BUT THE GUARDS GRAB HOLD OF THEIR HORSES AND GIVE CHASE AND IT'S YE OLDE CAR CHASE TIME AS OUR HEROES ROCKET THROUGH THE FORREST WITH THE GUARDS FOLLOWING THEM SO BRIE TAKES THEM OFF THE PATH TO LOSE THEM BUT DUMBASS PODRICK MISSES THE TURN AND A GUARD FOLLOWS HIM AND BRIE CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS DUMBASS



so stops her horse in a bush that the guards chasing them just ride past and once they're gone she slowly and quietly walks the horse to where she last saw Podrick going and sees they're probably on his trail and steels herself expecting Pod to be dead but she hears a horse behind her so needs to move and then we cut to Podrick's horse taking him to a river as he tries to stop him but PODS HORSE JUST BUCKS HIM OFF AND RUNS OFF LMAO and he pulls himself out of the river trying to chase it only for a guard to ride up and PODRICK THROWS A ROCK AT HIM... MISSING



and the guy just smiles and says "I guess that means you're unarmed" as he takes out his own weapon and Podrick stands there gurning as he knows he's fucked but BRIE COMES RACING UP YELLING "DOWN PODRICK DOWN!" AND HE DUCKS JUST IN TIME FOR HER SWORD TO SWIPE OVER HIM AND INTO THE MOUNTED GUARD WHO'S HORSE RUNS OFF DRAGGING HIS CORPSE BEHIND IT



AND ANOTHER GUARD RIDES UP BUT BRIE SWORD FIGHTS HIM FROM HORSE TO HORSE AND SWINGS HER VALYRIAN STEEL SWORD AS HARD AS SHE CAN... STRAIGHT THROUGH HIS SWORD AND INTO HIS SHOULDER!!!



AND WHEN HE FLINCHES FOR JUST A SECOND SHE PLUNGES HER SWORD THROUGH HIS NECK



letting him topple off his horse dead and she wipes his blood off on her sleeve and calls "Podrick?" and Podrick, kneeling on the ground in fear, response "yes my lady?" and Brie tells him "you can stand now" and he forces himself to his legs and asks "Sansa Stark?" and she explains "wary of strangers as she should be" but is determined to follow them and Podrick breaks the reality to her "my lady, i both Stark girls refused your service... maybe you're released from your vow?" but Brie refuses to accept she's safe with Littlefinger and Podrick just gives in not having anything better to do and Brie rides off leaving him to "get your horse" lmao what a pair of sad cases

then in KL Cersei has summoned Jaime to see... their father's ashes? no... Jaime releases a box and IT FALLS OPEN TO REVEAL A MODEL SNAKE HOLDING MYRCELLA'S LIONHEAD NECKLACE IN IT'S MOUTH oh shit



and Cersei distresses over "our daughter is alone in Dorne surrounded by people who hate our family" not even bothering to pretend she's not Jaime's kid anymore now dear old dad is dead and derides him for stating the obvious "it's a threat" and rants about how they blame them for Oberyn and his sister's deaths and stands up yelling "I will burn their cities to the ground if they touch her!" and then freaks out and yells even louder when Jaime tries to keep her quiet since she doesn't give a fuck anymore now their father is dead and when he tries to explain "the world can't know she's our daughter" and she cunts back "you've never been a father to our daughter" and he defends "if I was a father to any of my children they'd be stoned in the street" but Cersei blames him for Joffrey's murder, their daughters situation and their youngest "set to marry that SMIRKING WHORE from Highgarden" roflllll and Jaime sees how terrified his sister/lover is and promises to go bring Marcella home and she scoffs "you can't just ask Prince Doran to give her back! she's promised to his son" but Jaime grumbles "I'm not going to ask him anything" and she points out "you go down there with an army it's an act of war" but Jaime seriously says "no army... do you know where they're keeping her?" and Cersei says "Oberyn mentioned the Water Gardens" dismissively like she figures he's just going to get his dumbass killed going on some one man mission and she chuckles "you're going to Dorne? a one-handed man? alone?" but Jaime teases "I never said I was going alone" and she sits there worrying, ok I know this is different from the books where Jaime's storyline is finding a talent for finding peaceful outcomes in politics and travels the realms seeing the carnage his family has caused and trying to make up for it rather than literally going on a video game quest to save the princess so he can fuck his sister again



then we see poor Bronn in his fancy blue cape skipping stones on the sea as his new soon-to-be-wife blathers on and on about the flowers, music and food for their wedding and when she tries to get his input he's not been listening to any of it lmao and just humors her and tries to comfort himself by looking up at his soon-to-be-own castle remarking "a fine place, I never thought I'd end up settling down in a place like this" with a big smile that his life of grifting is over and it's easy sailing from now on but when his fiance points out it's going to her older sister he remembers he's meant to keep it secret he intends to kill her lmao lets his wife prattle on about her sister still pulling her hair to this day and remembers his lessons from Tyrion and starts turning her against her sister talking about how "meanness comes around" and how her sister will "get whats coming to her... one way or another" and tries to take his mind off the last act of violence he'll have to do to secure his peace when his wife asks "who's that?" and he looks up and sees... oh... it's "Jaime fucking Lannister?" there to pull him back into the bullshit and Bronn gives his condolences and even though the marriage is obviously a sham he gets insecure when Jaime charismatically kisses his fiance's hand so he does the "leave us" meme to her and she walks off on a huff clearly not mature at all and Jaime tries to make small talk but Bronn calls him out on being here to fuck his life up but Jaime just hands him a scroll and Bronn's jaw drops as he reads his wife is actually going to marry someone else which Jaime arranged to free him up for their mission and Bronn get's rustled but Jaime promises him "a much better girl and a much better castle" and he tells him they're going to "as far south as south goes" not strictly true if I know my GoT map but at least on Westeros it is



and then we cut to a clenched angry hand that has a bracelet like a snake around it as we pan up to see Ellaria, who I'll call Elly so I can remember, wearing a snake-skin necklace with a snake-head amulate on it, ok sensing a theme here, as she spies on the prince Trystane flirting happily with the now teenaged Mycella, and she goes to visit some other prince who's guard tries to stop her and as she's threatening to shove his axe up his ass Doran lets her through, and it turns out he's in ye old wheelchair and she starts ranting at him about how he hasn't avenged his brother, Oberyn I assume, but he dismisses it as a fair death in trial by combat, yeah it was his own dumbass fault, and in an interesting note as she's just as passionate as Oberyn and demands war that she claims the whole country would support he takes a jab at non-existent democracy saying "then we are lucky the whole country does not decide" and she stifles her rage and tells him "the Sand Snakes are with me, they have the love of their people, they will avenge their father while you sit in your chair doing nothing" and he doesn't even reply so she starts ranting about Mycella leaching off of them while the Lannisters kill his brothers and sisters and asks "let me send her to Cersei one finger at a time" but Doran tells her she has his love but "we do not mutilate little girls for vengeance, not here, not while I rule" and Elly threatens "and how long will that be?" and his big black guard lets her rush out and looks at him warningly as if he should let him merc her as she's obviously out to get him but Doran just looks away miffed, already rustled at this storyline since it's not realistic land-grab loyalty-jostling politics it's literally just one dumbass woman angry her moron boyfriend got himself killed memeing too hard around the most dangerous killer in the world



then we cut to the Unsullied marching through the city as Daario brags to Grey Worm that they're too conscious to find any SotH but his Second Sons might be drunkard whore mongers they blend in and evesdrop for real intel as he brings them to some shithole they burst into... to find empty, and Grey Worm is miffed so Daario taunts him saying his people have forgotten fear so they've forgotten how to hide leading him to STAB HIS DAGGER INTO THE WALL CAUSING A MAN HIDING IN IT TO FALL OUT GROANING IN PAIN oh I was expecting them to be in the big basket next to them but that was retarded, how did he get in a wall and why is it like modern day shitty american drywall you can fall through lol (I used to think that people punching holes in walls was just a trope from movies and tv shows since they're on a flimsy film set but you can literally do that in American houses since they are literally made from cardboard, if you tried to punch a hole in my wall you'd break your hand since it's, you know, made of brick)



and Grey Worm searches the mans hiding place and finds a dagger... and a SotH mask, and later an ex-slave is begging Dany to kill their prisoner as they want to enslave everyone again, Missy says it would send a strong message, Barry cautions restraint, Daario boasts he's already questioned him and found he knows nothing important, and the rich adviser guy who's name I forget uhhh oh yeah I call him Hizzy lol challenges the free slave on the SotH all being for slavery and the slave explains the rich slavers are paying the SotH to do this but Hizzy argues back against that and Barry suggests a free trial to show Meereen how to do justice and the freed slave says "I do not know where old Ser comes from, things maybe are different there I hope, but here in Meereen before Daenerys Stormborn they owned us" and tells them that fair trial means nothing to the slavemasters, they only understand blood, so Dany dismisses her council with Barry staying behind to talk about... her father, the Mad King, but Dany claims those are just her enemy's lies, but Dany confirms it's true, and for the first fucking time in the show it's actually fucking addressed even baaaaaaarely who Dany's father is when you'd think a woman who spends all day ranting about her birth right to rule would mention her father the King and he tells her about all the horrible shit her father did to fight a rebellion and how it only made it worse, really makes ya think, and Dany just whines "I'm not my father" and he tries to explain again every time he killed his enemies he felt powerful and right... until the very end, so she gives in and decides on a fair trial, Dany is literally scary lmao since she's clearly fucking crazy too

then we see a large spacious carriage being pulled along the Essos road as Varys and Tyrion start arguing again about his drinking, wow great character development with Varys warning Cersei is offering a knighthood to whoever brings her his head and Tyrion just grumbles "she ought to offer her cunt... best part of her for the best part of me" and Varys reveals they're going to Volantis first and dodges his question as to why by buttering him up saying he was a good ruler when he was the Hand but all Tyrion picked up from it was that he managed to kill a lot of people and starts whining about how Shae begged him to leave KL and Varys asks why, probably already knowing, and he admits he liked the power and Varys ponders "people follow leaders and they will never follow us, they find us repulsive" and Tyrion adds "I find us repulsive" and Varys continues "and we find them repulsive... which is why we surround ourselves with large comfortable boxes to keep them away... and yet, no matter what we do, people like you and me are never really satisfied inside the box, not for long" looking around at his nice posh carriage and Tyrion ignores his suddenly less subtle than usual since the show isn't following the books exactly anymore discussion on their shared alienation with the normies and decides "so lets go for a walk! how many dwarves are there in the world? is Cersei going to kill them all?"

and to answer his question we see CERSEI BEING BROUGHT THE HEAD OF SOME RANDOM DWARF EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 91 as she literally is having them all killed but she moans "not him" and Ser Meryn or whatever angrily asks the terrified bounty hunters "are you trying to deceive your queen? shall I throw them in a cell Your Grace?" but Cersei says "I don't want to dissuade the other hunters... mistakes will be made" and the men pathetically grovel their thanks and go to leave but she orders "take the head" but before they can Qyburn asks politely "I would take it if you don't mind, it could prove useful for my work" and Cersei just gets a little smirk to have this ruthless scientist on her side and allows it



then in what's left of the Small Council of poor old Pycelle, useless beta Mace and some new old guy Cersei turns up with Qyburn in tow and allows him his seat, much to Pycelle's rustlement, and, ah, the old guy is Cersei's uncle, and he asks if she's the new Hand like shit is so fucked around there she could very well get her like 11 year old son to appoint her, but she says "clearly it would not be appropriate for a woman to assume that role" and smiles condescendingly at him as she explains "I am merely advising my son until he comes of age and chooses a Hand himself" and Mace tries to haggle for the position but Cersei smugly tells him he won't have to time as he's both Master of Ships and Master of Coin much to his joy and Cersei smiles at how easy Mace is to control as she mutters him up with compliments Tommen probably never said and Pycelle tries to bring up president of other Grand Maester's also being King's Hand and Cersei cuts him off saying Qyburn is the new Master of Whispers and Pycelle starts having a tantrum about it and Cersei sits there suddenly full of life as she gets to bully these three old me she fucking despises rubbing it into Pycelle that Qyburn has more loyalty than "the eunuch" and... many others and he sits there squirming and whining but Cersei cuts him off again addressing her Uncle Kevan, wait his name is just Kevin spelt with an a? ok lol nice one GRRM talking about how since he now has control over the Lannister armies he is appointed the new Master of War... but he can smell bullshit, having seemingly learned a lot from his brother, and asks to hear it from the King himself, and when Cersei condescendingly excuses his absence Kevan bluntly says he came to show his respects to his brother, the King and even her, but "I did not return to the capital to serve as your puppy, to watch you stack the small council with sycophants, to send your own brother away-" but Cersei cuts him off before he can say anything worse and explains "my brother is away on a sensitive diplomatic mission" and when he snaps back "what mission?" she smarmily says to him "that is not your concern as Master of War" and Kevan can tell she's fucking him about so tells it straight up "I do not recognize your authority to dictate what is and is not my concern, you are the Queen Mother, nothing more" and Cersei glares at him as he goes to leave like she wants to just have him killed and lazily tries "you would abandon your king in his time of need?" and he calls her out "if he wants to send for me I will be waiting for him... at Casterly Rock" knowing Tommen has no idea what's going on, welp he's fucked



then we get an adorable scene where Shireen, Stannis' daughter, is teaching Gilly to read, awwww, and she's only just learning letters (in English of course) with Sireen saying "come on, you know this one, looks like an animal" and Gilly remembers "ssssssane? S!" and Sam is researching the history books in the library they're in to try to learn all he can about who gets to be Lord Commander to try to make sure Alliser doesn't get it and he excitetly tells the girls that the youngest ever Lord Commander "Oric Stark was elected at age ten!" and they both look at him like he's a fucking nerd and Gilly says depressed at how far more advanced Sam is at the seemingly impossible task and she just says "I know S" but smiles to her and says "you'll learn, I promise, I taught Ser Davos and old people are terrible at learning new things!" and Gilly smiles and says "well you're a wonderful teacher.... very patient!" starting a fight with Sam, who I don't think has even got any pussy off her yet, who tries to excuse him telling her to read more, and Gilly huffily says "that's alright we're doing just fine I'm sure you and "Ostrich" Stark have a lot to talk about" so he goes back to his book knowing it's better not to argue and when Gilly asks her when she learned to read she reveals when she was 3 much to their amazement explaining she had lots of time kept inside because of her face and Gilly asks innocently what they call it down South like she's only a little girl herself mentally and Shireen says "greyscale" and asks what they call it and Gilly admits "I don't know, but two of my sisters had it, they both died, how did they cure you?" and Shireen says she doesn't remember since she was just a baby and Gilly talks about how her father made her greyscaled sisters live in huts outside their home and how they didn't sound like themselves and when it killed them it was all over their bodies and they were acting like animals and their father had to drag them out into the woods and... presumably kill them, but before she can explain Shireen's mother comes in and does the "leave us" meme to them and Sam grovels "Your Grace" as she's his new queen as he skulks away and her mother tells Shireen "you need to stay away from that girl, your father defeated their people, he executed their king for treason, they could strike at him by striking at you" but Shireen claims "Gilly wouldn't do that" and her mother just chides "all your books and you still don't know what people do" obviously just finding an excuse to control her daughter some more, wonder if we'll ever get to see what happens to someone totally infected by greyscale or what it is, maybe Shireen has weredragon powers or some shit like a werewolf



then we see Stannis bitching at Jon for mercy killing Mance and points out Davos missing fingers explaining "if you show people too much kindness they don't fear you, if they don't fear you they don't follow you" like it's simple mathematics and Jon points out the Wildlings will never follow him now and Stannis realizes "who then? you?" but Jon thinks they'd only follow one of their own, idk they followed Mance, and Stannis asks "do you know this wretched girl?" showing him a letter from Mormont's niece "Lady of Bear island and a child of 10" and when Stannis says this is her reply to him asking her to join his cause Jon reads out "Bear Island knows no king but the King of the North, who's name is Stark" allowing himself a cheeky smile that people are still loyal to his family and Stannis snaps "that amuses you?" and Jon apologizes admitting "Northerners are often a bit like the free folk, loyal to their own" and Stannis says "my brother Robert would often go off about how difficult it was to control them... even with your fathers help" forcing a tiny smile back to Jon knowing he needs him on his side and then Davos talks about how the Night's Watch is actually seemingly the worlds first democracy as they elect their Lord Commander and it seems Allister is going to win and Stannis warns "your bravery made him look weak" idk this dude seemed pretty badass on his own and Jon barely did anything other than go talk to Mance after and for some reason somehow Stannis showed up in time and tries to convince Jon again to leave this place and come fight for him but Jon sticks to his vows and Stannis asks for the North from Jon but he says "even if I wanted to I can't, I'm a bastard, a Snow" just like Ramsey used to be and Stannis promises that if he bends the knee to him "you'll rise again as Jon Stark, Lord of Winterfell" and later we see Jon talking to Sam about this saying that's his oldest dream and his friend recommends he take the deal but Jon refuses saying he can't break his vows and be respected as a Lord, and the old blind maester rises and says it's time to vote for the 998th Lord Commander of the Night's Watch and the bald coward guy steps up and starts giving ye old election speech for Alliser, ok not Allister, saying it was him that won the battle, which Sam stands there shaking his head at, and another man stands to say Denys Mallister, an old as fuck dude, has served through 10 winters and won his own battles at the Shadow Tower, and Jon bangs his cup in support for him, and the blind maester announces how the vote goes, triangle tokens vote for Mallister, square tokens vote for Alliser, pretty weird system since it means people can vote for each one but I guess it's not that much of an issue if some dumbass does that as long as at least one person doesn't, but then... Sam speaks up... and the bald cunt mocks him as "Sam the Slayer" and the men laugh not believing any of his war stories and accuses him of being "another wildling lover just like his friend Jon Snow, how's your lady love, Slayer?" and Sam calls him out over the men laughing at him "her name is Gilly, you know her quite well, they cowered together in the larder during the battle for the Wall" oooooooh snaaaaaaaap and all the men now start laughing at the bald cunt and Sam mocks "a wildling girl, a baby and Lord Janos, I found him there after the battle was over in a puddle of his own making" and the men all laugh hysterically at him as SAM PUTS JON FORWARD AS LORD COMMANDER OF THE NIGHT'S WATCH explaining that he was the one that saved them, "Ser Alliser fought bravely it is true and when he was wounded it was Jon who saved us, he took charge of the Wall's defence, he killed the Magnar of the Thenns, he went north to deal with Mance Rayder knowing it almost certainly meant his own death... before that he led the mission to avenge Lord Commander Mormont, Mormon himself chose Jon to be his steward, he saw something in Jon and now we've all seen it too, he may be young... but he's the commander we turned to when the night was darkest" and Jon sits there cringing as he doesn't want the role but the men all clap and cheer for him, but Alliser stands up and calls Jon out as wanting to lead the Wildling instead and being more loyal to them for saving Mance, another good continuation of the theme "no good deed goes unpunished" as Jon did the moral thing and is not getting bullshit for it and Alliser sums up "do you want a man who's fought the Wildlings all his life? or a man who makes love to them?" and the blind maester announces "it is time" and the men all come up and put in their tokens in a jug... I guess maybe they added a third kind of Jon, and we see a man smashing the jug open and stacking the tokens to find... a shit pile of square ones... but I guess Jon's circle ones and Alliser's square ones are even... and the blind old man is told "it appears to be a tie maester" and he nervously counts them up with his hands as the whole crowd watches... but then... AEMON SLOTS IN HIS OWN TOKEN VOTING FOR JON, MAKING HIM THE NEW LORD COMMANDER and the crowd all erupts in applause and cheer for Jon who sits there looking especially dopey smiling to himself, and Alliser looks over like he just made a big fucking mistake



then in uhhh Baavos or whatever we see Arya cutting the head off a fucking pigeon in the street with Needle presumably for her lunch as she's now fucking homeless and she walks passed some random asshole who stops her and questions her about her pigeon and she just warns "turn around and go" and takes out her sword and the street man says "nice sword, worth 100 pieces a sword like that" and takes out a knife and Arya warns "nothing's worth anything to dead men" but then the thugs flee as they see the old black man in the white robes is watching them as if they're scared of him and then she follows him back to the temple and he tosses her back the HITMAN™ coin and THE OLD BLACK MAN CHANGES HIS FACE



REVEALING HIM TO BE JAQEN!!!



this is the most retarded shit ever since it means any character could be a body double, fuck off GRRM and he explains "a man is not Jaqen H'ghar" he fucking talks like Big Shaq going on about "man's not hot" and Arya asks "well who are you then?" and Jaqen edgily says "no one, and that is who a girl must become" and walks in through the black door offering Arya to come inside having I guess just testing her dedication to not go back home... even though she can't

then we see the SotH prisoner being confronted in his cell by the free slave guys and insults him for calling Dany his mother and we cut to HIS DEAD BODY WITH HIS MASK ON AND A DAGGER IN HIS CHEST WITH "KILL THE MASTERS" WRITTEN IN HIS BLOOD ON THE STREET WALL I know it was released after but these dumb gold masks remind me of the guy fawks masked Alt-Right stand-ins Children of Liberty in Supergirl lol especially with wearing masks of the statue that represents their values



and then we see the slave in chains again before Dany saying he did this "for you Mhysa" and he bows before her explaining "you wanted the Harpy dead but your hands were tied, I set you free as you did all of us" but Dany explains "he was a prisoner awaiting trial, you had no right" and he argues "he would rather rip your city apart than see slaves lifted from the dirt" and Dany tries to explain "there are no more slaves, there are no more masters" and the slave fires back "then who lives in the Pyramids?" but I guess he doesn't mean her, alone at least, these are where the other rich cunts live and he asks "who wears gold masks and kills our children?" and the slave explains that he was one of the first to pick up a knife for her and he'll always remember the look on his fathers face, who traded him for a dog lmao, but he died in the fighting, which is why he hates the SotH so much because if they win it would be like his father never lived, and he begs Dany that now she's the law to just kill em all, but she says "the law is the law" even though this is a monarchy where she can make it up as she goes along and it's now his turn to be dragged into a cell and that entire conversation took place in a fictional language STOP FUCKING DOING THIS and then as Dany leaves her office surrounded by her inner circle the people of the city cry to her "Mhysa! Mhysa! it sounds just like Jar Jar Binks going "meesa messa!" lmaooo and she stands before them and gives a speech and says in this dumb fake language "you opened your gates to me because I promised you freedom and justice... one cannot exist without the other" as her Dothraki bring down... the freed slave guy, and the rich cunts push and bully him as he is taken through the crowd but the poor slaves call to him "brother! brother!" and he begs her "mhysa, please! forgive me" but Dany steels herself knowing even though he did it for her sake she can't allow vigilante justice so says "a citizen of Meereen was awaiting trial and this man murdered him... the punishment is death" (shouldn't he.... you know... be given a fucking trial too then? you dumb bitch?) and the crowd beg her for mercy but she doesn't budge and Daario comes at him with his scythe and the man begs one last time "mhysa" and the crowd scream to him calling him brother and begging for mercy as the man starts saying a prayer getting ready to be beheaded and Dany looks out at the crowd aaaaaand... she turns to the side but... DANY LETS DAARIO BEHEAD THE SLAVE... AND THE CROWD STARTS HISSING AT HER LIKE SNAKES!!!



and the Unsullied take defensive positions to keep them back but someone picks up a rock and... A SLAVE THROWS A ROCK AT A MASTER and the Unsullied struggle to keep the two sides from fighting as Barry whisks Danny and Missy away and all her Dothraki have to run out and help too but both sides are throwing shit at each other and the Unsullied form defensive phalanxes with their shields over Dany as the slaves all start throwing rocks at her too and in different areas they start assaulting the masters in big scrum



and later that night Dany is in her palace and Barry and Grey Worm are assuring her they'll protect her but she does the "leave me" meme to everyone but then hears some creepy scuttling around sounds in the darkness of her huge palace and goes outside onto the balcony to hear... a soft growling... and she looks up to find DROGON IS BACK... AND HE'S GROWN TO THE SIZE OF A FUCKING HELICOPTER



and he purrs at her as he can tell she's upset and she looks relieved to have her favorite baby back since she's like a ye olde dogmom on facebook but he's so massive they can't really physically interact anymore so he just lowers his head down putting his fucking terrifying massive face up to her as she reaches out to try to stroke him but he sits up and takes off flying over the city... hopefully not to hunt... and she looks out looking super worried that he's going to start fire bombing the place or some shit





Game of Thrones 5x03: "High Sparrow"
cosplay thot special edition
First aired: April 26, 2015

we open on some creepy ass dark statue of a woman, and then of a lion and a goat and then a flaming heart that I think is Stannis logo, some figure I can't ID, one of those creepy ass tree-faces, some bizarre human-tree figure, and then some well that some people are sitting and walking around and we see Arya sweeping the floor, so I guess this is the assassins temple, and we see Jaqen giving a man a bowl of water from the pond well thing and he looks amazed like he thought he wouldn't be allowed, and he thanks him with the "valar morghulis" meme and Jaqen response "valar dohaeris" whatever that means and Arya looks up and sees it looks like the statue of a woman is crying (this happened with a statue of Jesus in India and people thought it was a miracle and would come from all around to drink from his "tears" running down his face but then it turned out to be a leaking sewer pipe from the ceiling above it lmao, so people were drinking human shit water for weeks, India) and she goes and gets uppity about sweeping floors and says she wants to be a Faceless Man and he explains "valar dohaeris" means "all men must serve" not as catchy but I guess it means specifically serve their order or in general you're bound by earthy demands you need to serve in life and he calls her out for only wanting to serve herself, not the Many-Faced God and Arya asks "which one is the May-Faced God? I see The Stranger, the Drowned God, the weirwood face" and Jaqen tells her "there is only one god" AND HIS NAME IS ALLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH "and a girl knows his name and all men know his gift" and Arya remembers the edgy shit her fencing teacher once told her in season 1 and knows what he means and she looks down to see THE MAN WHO DRANK FROM THE WELL IS DEAD, IT WAS POISONED, PEOPLE COME THERE TO KILL THEMSELVES EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 92 not even sure if that is edgy since it's basically assisted suicide but I guess it is in this cultural context and in most of modern day culture outside of like Sweden and almost no other culture has ever not had a huge taboo against suicide, but since this is season 5 and subtly is not allowed we see some monks come to take his body away so we're absolutely sure he's dead and when Arya asks another worker girl where they're taking him she doesn't respond hmmmm



then in King's Landing in Cersei's very secure portable cuckshed being taken to the Sept she looks out the window getting rustled about how the crowd are cheering and calling for "Queen Margaery!!!" as she's just the Queen Mother now



and in the Sept we see Tommen and Marg saying their vows and we actually see for I think the first time in a wedding TOMMEN KISSING MARGAERY and there's some kino imagery where Cersei is literally between them in the shot and everyone claps less forced than the other like fucking 3 weddings since unlike Joffrey, Tyrion and whoever Cat's cousin was people actually really like Tommen and Marg, and thankfully Tommen has hit puberty and looks a few years older and is now taller than Marg so it's less creepy that they kiss, and the actor does a good job of giving his mother an excited smile and then having it hit him that he's married now



and I realized I got memed by pedos /tv/ where they put meme subtitles over the scene of Marg creeping into Tommen's bedroom with like erotica of her talking about sitting on his face when they're married and I completely 100% believed it was real subtitles since that is 100% dialog that would be in a show, a woman telling a 10 year old he'll have to give her oral sex soon, so I just assumed that would be another scene of her in his bedroom, let me find it



and I think Tommen's starting age was like 10 so that would make him 14 or 15 now and Marg is 18 in the books I think but I read they liked this actress so much they aged her up so she could play her so she was probably like 22 when they first introduced her so now she's probably like 26 so keep that in mind when we cut to THE MID-TWENTIES MARGAERY HAVING SEX WITH THE EARLY-TEENS TOMMEN EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 93



and Tommen is gasping "did I hurt you?" and Margaery grins and says "no you were lovely" since she might not have fucked her previous two husbands but probably been fugged before and he wows "it all happened so fast! I was scared maybe I hurt you i-it sounded like" lmao that was probably Marg (fake) orgasming and she tells him "no no no, you're the sweetest King who ever lived" and Tommen announces "this is all I want to do all day every day for the rest of my life!" and Marg laughs at this adorably no-longer-virgin (inb4 he actually does so and spirals into sex addiction and by next season he's fucking goats or something edgy) and Marg is not really that into it because when he dives in to kiss her again she asks "shouldn't we rest a little while?" and since he's not a scumbag like every other character in this show he doesn't rape her or anything so lays back down and offers her anything she wants to eat and she starts playing with his shoulder as they talk about how surreal it is to be King and Queen and husband and wife... all because his brother died, and she tells him not to feel guilty, and Tommen confesses "I don't feel guilty, that's what's odd" as if he's already becoming a real Lannister and then since he's still a young boy springs up excited to invite her sailing and Marg kisses him saying they'll be very happy and then puts on a gown and talking about her grandmother leaving but Tommen just stares at her ass in amazement and Marg starts up scheming against Cersei and asking if she likes it there and Tommen says "I don't think so, she told me not to trust anyone here" and Marg pretends she doesn't hate Cersei saying she likes having her there protecting him like "a lioness guarding her cub" but Tommen looks at their marriage bed and says "but... I'm a man now" as he starts to get the start of an ego and Marg jokes with him calling her "my king" but adds "you'll always be her baby boy" which Tommen doesn't seem keen on as Marg talks about how Cersei's lost her husband, son and father so recently and knowing exactly what she's doing, preying on Tommen's discomfort of his mother's over-protection, "lovingly" tells him "she'll never let you out of her sight" planing the seeds to egg him into arranging for her to leave the capital

then on the castle walls Cersei is talking to Tommen about his marriage as she holds him by his arm like they're a couple as his Kingsguard follow them behind and Cersei starts fishing for intel asking "you think she's intelligent? I find it hard to tell... not that it matters" trying to play the doting mother not getting above her position but Tommen starts fishing already if she misses Casterly Rock and starts trying to talk her into missing it but it's not working as Tommen is only a like level 1 manipulator and Cersei can sense there's some shenanigans afoot as he clumsily tries the same line again about her missing her home

and we cut to her, with two of her personal Lannister guards, visiting Margaery as she gossips to her many female cousins about how Tommen had her four times last night telling her "well what is the record? I'm sure we can break it" and Cersei comes in on them all giggling hysterically and prickles as Marg calls her "mother" and I'm waiting for the "leave us" meme in 3... 2... as she looks like she wants to invent the machine gun to unload a mag into all the giggling teenage girls as they trade back and fourth disingenuous compliments with it just being for their sake as she's already threatened to kill her in a private conversation lmao and when Marg jokes she's happy "but I am exhausted, but what can I expect, he's half lion and half stag" making a joke about both her husband she murdered and brother who murdered their father being notorious whorers Cersei looks like she's about to burst into tears from all these pretty young women laughing at her family and when she cant take it and goes to leave Marg drives the knife in and asks "what's the proper way to address you now? Queen Mother or Dowager Queen?" which I think used to be used for a widowed queen which would seem pointless unless she didn't have a child taking the throne which Cersei does so it's obviously just being a cunt and Cersei tries to restrain herself and says "there's no need for such formalities" and Marg makes another reference to her son's libido saying "judging from the King's enthusiasm the Queen Mother will be a Queen Grandmother soon" and as Margaery prattles on about the celebrations to come Cersei steps forward and says "remember........ anything you need" to remind her of their last private conversation and walks off leaving Margaery to scheme to herself but then turn giggling to her cousins and Cersei storms off with all of them laughing about her behind her back uh ooooh



then win Winterfell we see the Bolton forces working to restore it further and bringing in new cros and we see Reek limping through his old home and he looks up to see FLAYED PEOPLES CORPSES BEING LYNCHED EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 94 and looks triggered as he remembers his own men lynching two disfigured beyond recognition corpses above that very doorway and struggles to force down his old memories as he looks at this skinned woman and has to run off as a crow pecks at anothe skinned corpse in a cart and we cut straight from that chunk of meat to another chunk of meat as Reek prepares some chicken for Ramsey (oh it's spelled Ramsay well just like how I'll always call ISIS ISIS I'll call you by your proper name when you stop killing innocent people) as he discusses with his father how he sent him to collect taxes and Ramsey came back with flayed bodies lmao (in the telltale game there is a dank as fuck ending to the first episode where we see Ramsey's tax collection policy first hand I won't spoil it since it's such a cool kill) and Reek tries to zone out as Ramsey talks about how he flayed a Lord who refused to bow alive along with his wife and brother "made his son watch" and Roose asks "and?" as if Ramsay (fuck now I'm spelling it right he's even intimidating me in real life to respect him) thinks it's such an obvious outcome he doesn't even need to go further and says "the new Lord Cerwyn paid his taxes" and Roose stares at him as he pigs out on chicken as if he's just talking about a fun song he heard or something wondering why his son is such a psycho and he says "I have something important to tell you" but Ramsay just keeps gorging himself and Roose has to order "stop eating and listen" as she's starting to worry that now Ramsay has gotten what he wants from him, maybe not even his emotional approval but literally just his legal title like he doesn't even give a shit about his own father's respect just the power he can get from him, that he doesn't have control over his mental son anymore, and Ramsay looks like if anyone else said that to him they'd be sorry, no longer simpering to suck up to his father at every turn, and forces himself to put down his cutlery, and Roose explains Tywin is dead and can't protect them if the other Northern Lords rise up against them and if he thinks the Lannister's will still save them he's a fool, and Ramsay's eyes snap up at being insulted and in a great touch like a dog perking up because they can sense a change in their masters emotions no one else would, Reek glances over instinctively scared as he has become attuned to even the slightest but of annoyance in his master, and Roose tries to explain to his son that the best way to form alliances is not by peeling a man's skin off but marriage and Ramsay tilts his head ever so slightly keeping his anger in check at his father using him as a pawn to marry him off to some cunt he'll hate and Reek gets more and more nervous as he can sense Ramsay's hidden rage better than his own father as Roose tells him "I've found the perfect girl to solidify our hold on the North"



and we cut to SANSA STARK and CIA riding back to... Moat Cailin, which she says she's stayed at before and bricks it when CIA tells her she's taking her back home and she realies "your marriage proposal... it wasn't for you" and he gives her a suspicious look and admits in his bizarre garbled Irish accent since Aidan Gillen acts like he's a rubber-faced comedy actor in serious movies and shows "no" like it's a cheeky secret and Sansa starts showing weakness for the first time in ages "Roose Bolton murdered my brother, he betrayed my family!" and refuses to go and CIA starts manipulating her into it saying she's a Stark and will always belong in the North bringing up her parents to try and make her feel like it's her duty but she very unconvincingly insists she's not marrying her family's killer but CIA reveals that she'll be marrying his son and heir Ramsay, so perhaps Roose only gave Ramsay his last name because he has no other children to marry to Sansa as he wants this deal with CIA or some reason, but Sansa still refuses and plays her one card that she'll starve herself before going there and CIA takes her by the shoulders and lies that "I won't force you to do anything" and pretends like he cares about her and it's up to her but then starts burrowing under her skin talking about all that's been done wrong to her family and that it's time to "stop being a by standard, stop running, there's no justice in the world, unless we make it, you loved your family, avenge them" and she remembers wanting revenge on Joffrey so bad and falls for it, composes herself and gets back on her horse next to CIA who smiles to himself for manipulating a 16 year old girl as they ride into the castle Reek got back for Ramsay, I feel like this would be a better scene if we saw Sansa and CIA bonding but we just saw her lie to those Lords once and then next thing we know they're acting like partners in crime and also this whole "marrying Ramsay" storyline is pretty moronic since I'm sure CIA has some epic masterplan to play the Boltons and Lannisters against each other but surely a man who loves intel as much as him knows that Ramsay is a, you know, demented psychopath who could kill Sansa on a whim at any second? seems like yet another instance of the people around him being dumbed down so Ramsay can get ahead since he's ah uh lazily written Gary Stu



then we see Brie and Pod are still on their tale and up on a mountain overlooking the castle very very conspicuously silhouetted against the sky so if anyone looked up they'd be like uh why are two people spying on us but Pod asks how they get through there and Brie just says they have to go around even if it takes them miles since they know where they're going anyway and later Pod is polishing her boots and she asks him "aren't you getting a bit old to be a squire?" and Pod doesn't reply as he figures she just wants to talk down to him but when she asks how he ended up working for "the imp" he tells her "he doesn't like that nickname" as he still respects him and the explains he used to squire for a knight who was hung for stealing one leg of ham but he was spared by Tywin because his family's name was Payne (presumably he is related to his chief executioner) and sent him to squire to Tyrion "as punishment for both of you" as Brie surmises and she does a backhanded apology of apologizing that he now has to squire for a nasty person but Pod says "I'm not sorry, you're the best fighter I've ever seen, you beat The Hound, I'm proud to be your squire" and adorable Brie is flattered at his sincerity and for respecting her despite her being a woman and since she's such a nice person apologizes "I'm sorry I'm always snapping at you" but Pod says "if you didn't snap at me I wouldn't learn anything" since he's so humble and I guess he's right she's not a total bitch and she is actually right that he's fucking something up when she talks down to him and Brie looks like she's thinking this guy is too nice to inevitably die horribly but he clearly won't fuck off so second best option and asks him "you want to be a knight Pod?" and he looks up like it's his dream come true and says "yes" so Brie tells him "starting tomorrow we'll train with a sword twice a day and I'm going to show you how to ride properly" and for the first time the usually serious lad gets a big grin and says "thank you" and Brie tells him "I can't knight you but I can teach you how to fight" and Pod just says "I suppose that's more important" and gets to work lighting a fire which he does... perfectly on his first try, back to his old magical self now his confidence is up, and Brie smiles at his view of the world as he starts helping her out of her armor telling her "you weren't a knight but you were a Kingsguard to Renly Baratheon, Lord Tyrion said he was a good man" and she tells him the story of how she met Renly at a ball her father made her attend where all the boys didn't notice her height and "how mulish" she was and were fighting to charm and dance with her and she was so happy... till she saw the boys snickering and they all burst out laughing at her and she realized "I was the ugliest girl alive, a great lumbering beast" and just as she was about to flee Renly took her and told her "don't let them see your tears, they're nasty little shits and nasty little shits aren't worth crying over" and danced with her, presumably out of compassion from knowing what it's like to be bullied for not fitting gender roles, and none of the bullies could say shit since he was the King's brother, and Pod awkwardly asks "but wasn't he... Lord Tyrion said he was..." and Brie snaps "yes Pod he liked men, I'm not an idiot!" lmao, it's interesting how in this world they don't seem to even have terms for it like gay or homosexual since they're so unaccepting of it which is understandable since it's a setting where even some dirt poor serf is concerned about his legacy and what inheritance his first born son will get or who he can marry his daughter to so if you're living a lifestyle that wont result in kids it seems like a grave insult to your family who probably bled and died so your kids could have a home probably why it's still such a taboo in the shittier parts of the world since propagating your family is the only thing they have going for them that anyone can do but in the first world no one really gives a shit about that sort of thing anymore sine our lives are so easy so there isn't as much of an evolutionary and cultural pressure to have kids because you might fucking die of ebola at any second and Brie explains "he didn't love me, he didn't want me, he danced with me because he didn't want to see me hurt... he saved me from being a joke, from that day until his last day" and she sits there remembering that day and laments "and I couldn't save him in return, nothing's more hateful than failing to protect the one you love" kind of sad she was in love with a gay guy she met once and didn't even remember her and then died the second day they met lmao and she looks seriously at Pod and swears "one day I will avenge King Renly" and Pod asks "how do you fight a shadow?" and Brie explains "a shadow with the face of Stannis Baratheon, I know its Stannis, I know it in my heart, Stannis is a man not a shadow, and a man can be killed" very dumb and retarded storyline and it should have just been an assassin sent by him that then framed Brie or something



then at Castle Black the man himself Stannis is visiting the new Lord Commander Jon Snow who has appointed Olly as his steward and let's him attend his meetings to learn how to be a commander and yet again Jon turns down Stannis offer of leaving the Night's Watch to join him and Stannis can't believe that he'd pass over a chance to avenge his family and rule the North but Jon is too into "muh vows" that he swore on his faith and Stannis realizes "you're as stubborn as your father... and as honerable" and when Jon thanks him he points out "honor got your father killed" and Jon looks at him like his double digit IQ points are trying to click together to dimly relaize that that could be a threat and when Stannis goes to leave Jon asks how long they're staying there and Stannis snaps "you bored of us already?" and Jon just explains they don't have the resources for it as... Winter is Coming™ and Stannis says they're marching on Winterfell within the fortnight (he'll get his shut-in daugher to 1v1 autist Ramsay in Tilted Towers I presume) and leaves the fate of the uncooperative Wildlings up to Jon suggesting he just execute them if Tormund won't bend the knee and Jon glances at Olly saying "there's little love for the free folk here" knowing that Olly would rather they just merc them all and as Stannis goes to leave he gives one last bit of advice: send Alliser off to command Eastwatch-by-the-sea and Jon says "I've heard it's better to keep your enemies close" and Stannis gives Davos a glance knowing that's what he's doing with the Red Lady and quips "whoever said that didn't have many enemies" and instead of leaving with him Davos stays and tells Jon that Stannis believes in him but Jon doesn't fully trust Stannis and says he tries to stay clear of politics and Davos just asks Olly his vows who only after getting a nod of permission from Jon does he give them proving his point that the Night's Watch are not apolitical and have to "guard the realms of men" and suggests he's not doing that stuck up there while the Bolton's make the North suffer leaving Jon sitting there to think over that

then with Arya who sleeps in a shitty little cranny in the wall we see her playing with her coin when this weird woman comes in and stats pacing back and fourth and robotically talking shit about how she does't deserve to be there and then WHACKS HER WITH A STICK and Arya is like OW! CUNT! having picked up a few turns of phrase from The Hound and starts beating her when Arya refuses to tell the truth about who she is which reminds me of a scene in the retarded movie Wanted where the hero gets punched until he realizes the answer to "who are you" is to assert himself violently or something but Arya is already alpha AF and warns the woman "you're about to find out?" and grabs Needle from under her blanket but Jaqen gives the woman into trouble for playing "the game of faces" which I guess is when you change your face at will or something since "a girl is not ready" oh my god learn to use your pronouns shitlord but Arya adamantly insists she is ready but Jaqen calls her out for still owning Arya Stark's sword and clothes (that she's been wearing for a year) so she's not ready to be "no one" so Arya goes outside and puts her clothes around a rock and sinks it into the sea, then the purse of silver she stole from The Hound, then the autism coin and then she gets to Needle and stands there crying thinking about who made it for her and who let her train with it showing emotion other than anger and smugness for the first time in years and I assumed she'd realize fuck it my family's dead she cant bring herself to toss it and hides it in some rocks which is probably the smart option, shoulda done that with the gold too, so you're not stranded in a foreign city with no money and no way to defend yourself from street thugs and a weird death cult then inside Jaqen catches Arya staring at the door they take the bodies of the suicide victims and allows her to follow him down into some catacombs where they find the weird woman standing there robotically next to a corpse, I guess maybe this is where they get the faces from? so they cant imitate just anyone it needs to be harvested from a corpse? and maybe they're only allowed to use the faces of the suicide victims who go there knowing they're donating their faces to the cause so they can only appear as these randomly generated NPC losers or something, inb4 Arya violates this tenant and kills someone to take their place for some infiltration mission, and Arya helps the woman undress and wash the body but she refuses to answer what they're going to do with him



then we see in Winterfell I think CIA and Sansa arriving with their guards to meet the happy Bolton family of Roose, Ramsay and the fat woman I already forgot her name as Reek looks down through a window and Roose greets Sansa as monotone and aloof as always and Sansa just stares back at the man who stabbed her brother in the heart and had her mother killed and looks like she's finna bouta pop off but then forces herself to curtsy and play nice with him and Roose smiles seeing her cowing herself and then introduces Ramsay who puts on his normal face for this woman a good half a foot taller than him lmao and says "it's an honor to meet you, m'lady" and kisses her gloved hand as... uh oh... Myranda looks on fuming, then inside Sansa is taken to... her old bedroom and an old housemaide tells her "welcome home Sansa Stark... the North remembers" showing the people still support her family which is now just her for all they know since the other three kiddies are presumed dead or MIA and Sansa stares after her blankly as if she's just figuring out if she can trust this woman or should maybe turn her in as not being loyal to win favor with the Boltons or something

then at Castle Black new Lord Commander Jon notices Aemon is missing and Sam says he's ill so he tells him to look after him, maybe the actor was actually sick irl or something, and then tells the men it's well past time to dig a new latrine pit and they all laugh as if it's just a joke and when Jon realizes he needs to assert himself so they don't treat him as just another mate he looks at Alliser like he's going to give the task to him but then switches to "Brian... seems like a good job for a ginger" so all the men laugh in support of his sense of humor as they chide poor Brian who laughs along as Jon's a pussy and goes with the nice option rather than taking the opportunity to show he can fuck over his enemies if he must but then he gets to Alliser and pauses as he wonders what to do with him and then praises him for his valiance in the battle and... appoints him First Ranger, and the men bang their cups in support and Sam looks concerned to his one remaining friend and Janos pats him on the back in support but then Jon gets to him and gives him command of Greygyard, using Stannis idea on him since he can tell he's not got any scruples rather than Alliser who at least does what he thinks is best for the Night's Watch and Janos snaps "I was charged with the defence of King's Landing when you were soiling your swaddling clothes, keep your ruin!" and the men start arguing who's in the right until Sam shuts them up and Jon maddogs him and tells him that was an order and he needs to say his goodbyes and back up and Janos stands up and insists "I will not go meekly off to freeze and die!" and Jon just asks "are you refusing to obey my order?" probably knowing this might happen and the men shut up and look around nervously at what will happen as Janos says "you can stick your order up your bastard ass" thinking all the men will side with him, the bald retard not remembering this is a democracy and the majority of the men voted for Jon, and Alliser looks at Jon as if telling him he needs to do something so he orders Sam and his friend to "take Lord Janos outside... Olly bring me my sword" and Janos looks around smiling like this must be a joke but then he looks to Alliser for support who simply steps out the way and lets the men drag him outside and he starts ranting "scum! all of you!" and starts insisting he won't be scared thinking it's a bluff but when they put his head on the chopping block he starts ranting about how he has powerful friends as the men gather to see Jon getting his sword handed to him and walking up to the block and unsheathing it without any hesitation and just asks for last words and Janos bricks it realizing he's for real and starts begging "I was wrong, you're the Lord Commander, we all serve you, I'm sorry! not just for this but all I've done! I was wrong! my lord please! mercy! mercy! I'll go! I will! please! I'm afraid! I've always been afraid!" and breaks down crying admitting to his cowardace in front of all his peers and everyone looks at him sympathetically but



JON CUTS JANOS' HEAD CLEAN OFF!!! OH SHIT!!! and Jon just composes himself and hands his sword off looking up at Stannis who nods in approval, wew lad, I didn't see that one coming, especially when Janos had a sudden burst of character development which is a good way to make the audience think oh after admitting this he'll try to redeem himself and actually defend that other castle well at a crucial time or be humiliated and want revenge on Jon or something, I thought it was going to be that Jon was just doing this knowing he'd make a fuss so he could force him to give up any respect the man might have had for him before sending him away so he can't try to usurp him but I guess it's Real Nigga hours now as he saw how unfit he was to be in the Night's Watch but maybe he was really giving him a choice to leave and didn't want him to get beheaded or he's going full just as planned and specifically tried to get him to end up on the chopping block



then in the KL brothel we see a very short man, no wait he's just down on his knees, and an assistant standing in a room with 6 cags with their tits hanging out walking around them giggling as if they're playing some sort of weird sex game and ah it seems the assistant is the new pimp guy and he is wearing a fake beard, which they make sure to leave the base of it show so you understand this is an in-universe fake beard and not just a bad fake beard for the show lmao and he starts doing this roleplay as if he's a priest and asks "which of the Seven will you worship today?" and the man looks up at the women who are all dressed as the different 7 gods lmao (I wonder which is the 1 god missing? the stranger is there so maybe he left out the one he actually respected like the father or something, or he's roleplaying as the father or the pimp is) and says "The Maiden" and the pimp grumbles to himself "always The Maiden" but then he adds "and The Stranger" looking at a woman who has her hair in a reverse poneytail so it's hiding her face and the pimp breaks character and asks "two is extra you realize?" and the man snaps "yes yes" not wanting to break the fantasy so he snaps for the other girls to leave as the two chosen "gods" come to the smiling old fat man



when suddenly LANCEL AND TWO OTHER "SPARROWS" BARGE IN AND SEIZE THE MAN and when the pimp tries to tell them who owns this establishment Lancel just backhands his former l-oh wait I'm getting him and Loras mixed up again fuck, ok he backhands this guy he's never met before and his men start kicking the shit out of him as Lancel tells the old john "you have profaned our faith, the faith of our fathers and forefathers" and the old man announces himself as "I AM THE HIGH SEPTON OF THE-" but Lancel grabs his ear and tells him "you are a sinner, and you will be punished" lmao I guess we've seen this guy before as the priest dude who does all the weddings but I guess he didn't really have much faith if he's making a sex game out of it and is now getting usurped by a new more dedicated religious figure and the men drag him outside stripping him naked except for his 7-pointed star necklace and force him to walk through the street as they all chant "sinner! sinner! sinner!" and when he tries to cover his genitals they beat his hands with a stick and like some SPH porn a woman starts laughing at him and they beat his hands when he tries to cover up again forcing him to walk through the crowd that all start telling him "sinner! sinner! repent! shame on you!" which in this sitting is honestly a really tame form of vigilantism they just embarrassed the dude in front of people who live outside a brothel and probably know full well powerful people visit there I was expecting them to ram a spear up his arse or something



then later he goes to see the Small Council to complain and he greets everyone intil he gets to Qyburn who just says "it doesn't matter" not caring for formalities as long as he gets to do his experiments and the High Septon starts ranting about how "an insult to me is an insult to the gods" but Cersei is not impressed and when Qyburn brings up where the assault started the seemingly naive and dumb Mace is shocked and appalled, which makes me think that he's doing the same thing as Pycelle, playing possum, but with his intelligence instead of his age, and the High Septon tries to defend himself saying "even prostitutes may earn the mercy of the Mother" which Qyburn doesn't buy but Pycelle insists "a man's private affairs ought to stay private!" Cersei just smiles at him knowing he hires cags from the same brothel and asks the High Septon very unconcerned what he wants and he insists they throw them in the black cells and execute their leader the "so-called High Sparrow" a fun thing I've noticed is that when anyone uses the term "so-called" that's them letting slip they're scared of them lmao, like the BBC insisting on saying "so-called Islamic State" and Black Israelites calling every other race "the so-called white man" ect and not giving a shit about this seemingly harmless intra-faith drama Cersei lazily asks where to find him

and with the power of editing we get our answer as Cersei leaves her portable cuckshed and outside a stinking squalor and Ser Meryn or whoever tells her it's not a good idea but she asks a poor man where to find the High Sparrow and he doesn't get a speaking role so just points in and Cersei walks in on all these poor homeless people sitting in their own shit and stinking and people give her "seven blessings m'lady" and she comes to some homeless being given soup by another poor man in a raggedy robe and she asks him where to find the High Sparrow and the man laughs and says "sounds ridiculous doesn't it? like Lord Duckling or King Turtle... still, it's meant to, we're often stuck with the names our enemies give to us, the notion that we're all equal in the eyes of the Seven doesn't sit well with some so they belittle me" and Cersei clocks who she's talking to and as the High Sparrow gives soup to a homeless woman and says "it's just a name, quiet an easy burden to bear, quite easier than hers" she also clocks that this guy is a clever operator to actually give himself his own silly nickname so his enemies will just use that to mock him rather than come up with something he doesn't have control over and she starts angling for intel off of him as she realizes this dude could be a danger to her by asking "why no shoes?" and he simply says "because I gave them away to someone who needed them more, we all do that, it stops us from forgetting who we really are" and Cersei glares at him thinking he's bullshitting her and asks "that why you came to King's Landing? to remind everyone?" and he humbly says "everyone? hard enough job reminding myself! well, I tell them no one's special and they think I'm special for telling them so" and Cersei looks him up and down and says "perhaps they're right?" seeing how much narcissism he's vulnerable to and if it could be used against him but he just says "it would be comforting to believe that, wouldn't it?" and then turning it back around on her to see what secret intentions he can get out of her or at least her thinking about to see if she slips up with a bit of slut shaming thrown in since everyone know's her reputation he asks "have the gods sent you here to tempt me? I hope not, I had assumed you'd only come here to arrest me for that incident with the High Septon" and when she says it was unacceptable he tells her "hypocrisy is a boil, lancing a boil is never pleasant, although they could have been more careful with the blade" subtly hinting that that guy got off easy that they didn't literally use a blade on him and Cersei smiles that he's a man who's deep down as assured in the need to deal with with enemies as her and smiles telling him what the High Septon wants done with him as she's curious to see what this clearly very intelligent man will make of it but he just smiles back and says "I wouldn't presume to know your thoughts on the matter" and Cersei smiles knowing he's trying to do just that to her and claims she supports his opinion on the High Septon's disgraceful behaviour "so now he resides in the Red Keep dungeons instead" oh shit rekt you pervert



and for the first time the High Sparrow gives her a serious look as he realizes Cersei is just as smart a power player as him and is taking the opportunity to take out another powerful person in the city and also test his reaction to her seemingly supporting him as Cersei tempts "the faith and the crown are the two pillars that hold up this world, one collapses so does the other, we must do everything necessary to protect one another" and tries to smile warmly at him but he can tell it's bullshit and we cut away before he says anything, ok this is an ok storyline but I feel like it should have been a story element from the start since religion here is very modern where it's just a personal belief and everyone respects each other's faiths with only a few evangelicals causing drama and a few radicals actually killing people for it when in real life medieval times the crown ruled entirely by holy law and were only seen as legitimate because they got the priest class to say they were God's chosen representative on Earth and literally every conflict was seen through the lens of competing religious motivations at least to the public rather than openly admitting "uh I just want power over this other leader and you guys are my serfs so go fight them, thanks" like they do in this world, also I like this High Sparrow character, the actor is really good, he was great in Brazil, Tomorrow Never Dies, Pirates of the Caribbean and unironically great in G.I. Joe Retaliation where he plays the POTUS as well as the master of disguise who's taken his place and there's a hilarious scene where he calls a meeting of all the nuclear powers in the world, launches America's nukes against their countries forcing them to launch theirs, destroys his nukes mid-air forcing them to destroy theirs too now there's no threat, thus tricking the entire world into nuclear disarmament in a few minutes all so Cobra Commander can walk in introducing his orbital strike weapon as the only remaining world power with WMDs all while he plays Angry Birds on his phone lmao but I'm guessing the angle on the High Sparrow is that he does actually geniunely believe in his religion and everyone is going to assume he's just another charlatan who only preaches that shit to get personal power but usurping the High Septon so easily in the first episode is to show that he's not a fraud like him and is an actual true believer and uses his power play abilities to spread his religion that he honestly thinks is the best for the world, which would be a really interesting angle to add to this mix of completely dishonest evil people other than... you know... supernatural entities are confirmed real in this world, so it's not really a test of faith or something you can examine the morality of, e.g. if he really has faith or not and just thinks this religion can do the most good for Westeros, since uhhh this world is like DnD where people could know for a fact that their gods are real and them worshipping them has tangible results, at least for one religion so far, the Red Lady's, even the Old God's seem real, but so far The Seven don't have any miracles to their name so it just makes the High Sparrow look factually wrong and even if The Seven were real too then it's not really a question of faith then is it, he'd just be doing the logical thing and following these insanely powerful beings who'd benefit himself and others and doesn't make ny any different from someone loyal to a king, nice dumb setting GRRM



then we see Qyburn in his lab getting a poor mouse out of a cage and seemingly kills it with a knife under a microscope when Cersei barges in and tells him to send this message "to Littlefinger at the Eryie or wherever he's slithering about" lmao and she asks him on the progress of his work and he says it's going well and as she leaves the camera pans around to show a huge human figure under a blanket that is presumably The Mountain's corpse he's preserving somehow and as Qyburn sits there transcribing the note to a crow letter THE MOUNTAIN'S BODY SUDDENLY JOLTS UNDER THE BLANKET and Qyburn just tells him... it... "shhhh... easy friend" this is some real Frankenstein shit up in here, another dumb supernatural storyline that weakens how important death is in the setting



then in Winterfell we see Reek doing manual labor and bending over to hide his face when Sansa walks past hoping she doesn't recognize him as whatever is left of Theon in there knows that'll only cause both of them emotional pain never mind whatever the fuck Ramsay would do with that information and we see Ramsay, who presumably already knows they grew up together, looking down at Sansa with CIA and telling him politely "she really is lovely, I hope I can make her happy" and Ramsay perks up with he hears CIA say "I hope so too, she's suffered enough" and he promises "I'll never hurt her, you have my word" and the actor does a great job of playing a guy with no concept of honor trying to pretend he's honerable so it comes across as just a little bit overacting and CIA can sense this and turns his full attention to him and claims "I've heard very little about you which makes you quite a rare thing as Lords go" which if it's the truth would explain his rash decision to give Sansa to him but it's kind of unbelievable he wouldn't since Ramsay has been openly skinning Lords and their families alive with the express intention for that news to travel wide and Ramsay pretends to be insecure and mumbles "I haven't been a lord very long, I was a bastard" as he can probably tell or has been warned that CIA is quite the devious manipulator and doesn't want him catching on to how dangerous he is and Roose joins them to add "and you're not anymore" and does the "leave us" meme to Ramsay who sycophanticly gives a big smile and says "and thank you Lord Baelish, I'm forever in your debt" and bows his head to him and walks off politely and CIA quips "he seems pleased" and Roose deadpans "shouldn't he be?" and CIA catches his implication immediately "I assure you she's still a virgin, Tyrion never consummated the marriage, by the law of the land she's been no man's wife, inspect her if you must" but Roose turns down the subtle temptation "I'll leave that to the brothel keeper" doing the real life retarded hymen meme and Roose handwaves "it's her name I need not her virtue" and CIA swoops in on what he can get out of it saying "then I have delivered everything I promised" and Roose asks "and you're prepared for the consequences when the Lannisters hear I've wed Sansa Stark to Ramsey?" and CIA explains "the Lannister name doesn't mean what it once did, Tywin is dead, he kept his house in power through sheer will, without him Jaime has no hand and no allies, Tommen is a soft boy not a king to fear" but Roose already knows who's really in charge and points out "the queen will be enraged" and CIA, pretending he doesn't know the same thing better than him, memes "Queen Margaery adores Sansa, Cersei is Queen Mother, a title who's importance wanes with each passing day" and Roose warns "and yet she still has friends, men in important places whom she can ask for favors" speaking about himself as he faux-pleasantly, which is Roose's tell for when he's about to fuck you over, him trying to seem pleasant and not talking in a monotone for once, passes CIA a message rerouted from the Eyrie, and CIA notes "a message for me you say? strange the seal is broken" and Roose just smiles as he knows he can't do shit to him and says "I'm sure you understand my position Lord Baelish, if you receive word in the middle of the night from the Queen Mother it does make me question our new alliance" and he cuts the shit and asks him why he'd gamble with his position and CIA just looks him in the eye and says "every ambitious move is a gamble" and steps up the stairs he was on to look Roose face to face to say "you gambled when you drove a dagger into Robb Stark's heart... it appears your gamble paid off" as he tries to get under his skin by smirking at him as he talks out one side of his mouth that bizarre way that Aiden Gillen does but Roose just stares back at him as he gets under peoples skins non-metaphorically and doesn't give a shit about him and Roose points out "I had Tywin Lannister's backing, who supports me now? you?" getting under his upstart skin immediately and CIA gets mad and tells him "The Eyrie is mine" and boasts about how the last time that place and the North teamed up they took out the Targs and Roose just stares at him blankly not having anything to say to this little weasel proposing an alliance as if he couldn't force him to sign up his men like it was nothing and CIA tries not to look shook and asks for a crow but Roose insists he read his reply and walks off leaving CIA sitting there fuming, that was an interesting scene of the sociopathic CIA who thinks he can trick his way out of every situation talking to the psychopathic Ramsay and his probably similarly inclined father who know for a fact they can kill their way out of every situation



then in Essos Tyrion looks out the deluxe cucksheds window to see they're arriving in a kind of southeast asian looking city and I just realized the carriage is not actually that big inside it was just an illusion from it looking like a traincar with tiny Tyrion walking around inside it lmao and he acts all antsy and demands that he get out of this "wheelhouse" which I guess is ye-olde-winnebago but Varys warns he'll be spotted in this city of Volantis but Tyrion walks up to him and says firmly he wont be any use if he's gone mad from not being able to remember seeing a face that wasn't his and Varys just shrugs and says "it's a perfectly good face" and maybe I'm just high or something but it seems Varys shaves his eyebrows and hasn't been able to keep it up recently because I didn't notice before that he had any but now he does and Tyrion just puts his hood and insists that this far from Westeros he'll just look like "one more drunk dwarf"



and marches out and we get a cool panning shot over the rooftops of this cool-ass looking fantasy Kuala Lumpur or whatever as the camera jostles through the crowded streets with people trading all around and Tyrion, still drinking, sees... A SEVERED HUMAN HAND HANGING ON A MEATHOOK?! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 95 and realizes "slaves" and Varys sighs "yes the Volantene masters are very organized, flies for dung shovelers, hammers for builders, tears for whores, lest they forget" as both the perceptive men take note of the tattoos on the slaves cheeks



and they come to I think our first ever East Asian woman who seems to be leading the crowd of slaves in a prayer to the Red Lady's god (Allah) and she preaches to them about how she used to be a slave as Tyrion talks about how "the only red preist we had in King's Landing was Thoros of Myr, this one's much better looking" so I guess since they keep saying he's from Myr it's to point out that their religion has not come very ar to Westeros (very funny how Westeros is a stand-in for the UK but treated like all of Europe where it's a landmass all white people come from and the larger continent to the west is just an underwritten generic Eurasia made up entirely of citystates that run on slavery and filled with all sorts of black and arab and asian people since that's how Americans think all of human history went) and when Tyrion, who seems to know Valyrian, hears the priestess say Allah hears even the stone men he mutters "good luck stopping the spread of greyscale with prayer" which implies it's contagious when it's still growing and Varys shushes him knowing getting into a religious argument in public is not how to stay undercover and when the priestesss announces that Allah has sent a savoir THE DRAGON QUEEN! the crowd cheers and Tyrion just sits there making jokes about it to Varys but then... the fire priestess looks up and locks eyes with Tyrion as if Allah guided her who puts his hood up and says "let's find a brothel"



and they go back into the crammed market to find a whorehouse and when they do the guard pats Tyrion like he's a small child and says "it's good luck to rub a dwarf's head" and Tyrion quips "it's even better luck to suck a dwarf's cock" and Varys looks around appalled trying to make sure there's no guards around who'll arrest them for fighting in public or something but despite the guard glaring down at him we cut to them walking in unmolested and a barmaid delivers some ale to the boys and Tyrion notes THE BARMAID WHORE IS IN COSPLAY OF DANY LMAO and he looks at her exposed arse and comments "what strange... hair" as another patron calls over "the mother of dragons!" and Tyrion quips to Varys "it appears you're not the only Targaryen supporter" and we hear the johns in the background telling the whore "we were just heading East to see you, I've got a dragon for ya! how much to make him spit fire?"



and we see JORAH sitting in the same bar drowning his sorrows and he looks like he's about to have a panic attack from hearing his waifu being degraded like that and Varys notes to Tyrion "someone who inspires priests and whores is worth taking seriously" and Jorah looks like he's struggling not to start a fight over "Dany" draping herself across the johns lap and when Tyrion spots an unaccompanied cag he tells Varys "I need to speak to someone with hair" he goes up to this woman who has a tear tattoo which is uh a bit awkward since it means she's literally a slave and he tries to chat her up by very very stupidly boasting about how he used to he used to be one of the richest men in the world is well known for always paying his debts which she takes as a joke but if anyone asks around for anyone who talked to a dwarf and what he said it'd be pretty clear who he was if she grasses him up and the cag gets jealous when he sees Tyrion glancing over at the much more popular Dany cosplayer and she decries how "they all want to fuck a queen" and Tyrion quips "that's because they've never met a queen" thinking of what a bitch his own sister is (but the wrong brother for that to be a good thing) and he assures her she'd be his first choice "because you have a sceptical mind" a tip tip tip of the fedora to you too my good sir and the cag is flattered so takes him by the hand to fuck him in the back warning he needs to wash first but Tyrion sits there holding her hand and is shocked to find... TYRION DOESN'T WANT TO FUCK WHORES ANYMORE with the girl thinking he's just shy and Tyrion looking around confused as if he doesn't understand himself since he's usually raring to go no matter how drunk he gets but I think it's clear it's because he gave up whoring for Shae and had an actual loving relationship for the first time in his life and she betrayed him and he fucking killed her so he's not exactly in the mood for a fun one night stand with a woman for rent and might not be ever again and he jokes "what will I do with my free time now?" and rushes off to take a piss off a ledge as V... no... JORAH appears behind him who Tyrion mistakes for his bald friend and he teases him for spying on him and tells him there'll be more shows inside but JORAH PUTS A ROPE AROUND TYRION AND A GAG IN HIS MOUTH and tells him "I'm taking you to the queen" and runs off with him over her back, kind of a dumb cliffhanger since 1) how the fuck does he get Tyrion out of the brothel and 2) Dany probably already knows by now he's an enemy of King's Landing and will want to keep him around





Game of Thrones 5x04: "Sons of the Harpy"
homophobic hate crimes special edition
First aired: May 3, 2015

we open on a fisherman unpacking his boat at night when suddenly JORAH LUMPS HIM OUT out of nowhere and drags him to shore and leaves a coin on his body for compensation and then grabs Tyrion, who brainlet Jorah didn't pat down and catches with a knife trying to cut his binds, and puts him on the fishing boat

then we see Jaime on a larger cargo boat and he asks a black fellow "is that Estermont?" at a landmass near by but he answers "Tarth, Ser Jamie, The Sapphire Isle" and Jaime looks on wistfully remembering Brie and that bullshit he told Locke about her homeland and then inside Bronn is being a dipshit throwing a knife at a bag of grain and whining about being stuck in a cargo hold instead of a Lannister ship and Jaime explains it's the best way to secretly infiltrate Dorne and Bronn warns him that "The Dornish are crazy, all they want is to fight and fuck, fuck and fight" and Jaime teases "you should be happy to go back then" and Bronn says there'll be no time for the best part if they're kidnapping their princess and Jaime makes sure to remember to say they're rescuing his niece... not daughter... but Bronn calls him out "your niece?" and Jaime freezes up so Bronn can tell what Tyrion must have told him is right and then asks why the two-man mission and not an army and Jaime, now a moralfag, says "I don't want to start a war" but Bronn meant why him and talks about how if he was the one-handed most recognizable man in Westeros he wouldn't be doing this but Jaime insists "it has to be me" and Bronn calls him out on being the one to free Tyrion but Jaime insists it was only Varys and Bronn just quips "well if you ever see the wee fucker give him my regards" and lays down and Jaime remembers he needs to keep his act up for the sake of his kids and insists "he murdered my father, if I ever see him again I'll split him in two, and then I'll give him your regards" convincing Bronn he's serious

then in King's Landing Cersei is being told by the new Master of Coin after Tyrion's departure Mace "(((The Iron Bank))) has called in one-tenth of the crown's debts" and with winter coming they can only afford half and makes an extremely cringy joke "house Tyrell could front the gold and we'd pay them back in time... or I'd have words with my daughter!" smiling stupidly at Cersei, the joke being the actual head of the crown is his daughter in-law, and Qyburn and Pycelle look at him like yeah nah mate and Cersei forces herself to smile and say "you've already given us too much" and insists on a renegotiation... in person, and Mace bricks it as he realizes she means him, and she gives an evil smile as she gets to abuse this dullard who just offended her immediately by telling him "the King has expressed concern about the safety of his father in law on his voyage... he's ordered Ser Meryn to personally lead your escort" knowing Mace was probably trying to find some way to weasel out of this I assume dangerous mission and Mace looks over squirming in his seat as he hears Meryn stomping into the room and tries to get out of it by saying his own kingsguard is excessive but Cersei's not having it so he just gives in, makes a cringy joke that doesn't land and scurries off and Pycelle points out "the Small Council grows smaller and smaller" and Cersei threatens "not small enough" and he glares after her knowing that he's the last man standing since Qyburn is currently of use to her

then later we see Cersei having received I think that's CIA's reply and she's pouring the High Sparrow a wine but he reuses and Cersei looks offended at being turned down and annoyed that she can't get this guy drunk to make him easier to manipulate but jokes "the old High Septon would have asked the vintage" and the High Sparrow jokes "I could say that our minds are temples to the Seven and should be kept pure... but the truth is I don't like the taste" and when they cut to the chase Cersei says "all over Westeros we hear of septs being burned, Silent Sisters being raped" and awkwardly stares at him in silence as if she blames him just for being male for it (and I'd say for being apart of a patriarchal religion but the Seven seems pretty gender balanced which you'd think would reflect the culture not being as patriarchal but once again GRRM doesn't get how religions interface with society over the course of thousands of years since he is an Amerifat who think of religion as just another identity label to pick and choose from in your personal life having a complete absence of history or organic culture)



and goes on "bodies of holy men piled in the street" and the High Sparrow explains "wars teach people to obey the sword, not the gods" casually throwing shade at her since her family started it but Cersei suggests "perhaps the gods need a sword of their own" but the High Sparrow says as if he's teaching a history lesson "well the Faith Militant was disarmed more than two centuries ago" but Cersei assures him she could get Tommen to rearm them and the High Sparrow's eyes light up as he's tempted by "an army that defends the bodies and souls of the common people?" and Cersei assures him "an army in service of the gods themselves, and to you of course, as the chosen representative of the Seven" and the High Sparrow says "an honor I never expected, or indeed, wished for" but still looking happy and Cersei keeps forcing a smile trying to work out if his man of faith shit is just an act or not and says "which is why you were chosen" and the High Sparrow looks satisfied as if he's happy that she's trusting him but also relieved that his ideas of doing the best good you can to the world while remaining humble are finally being noticed and rewarded by the establishment that seemingly usually ignores him with Cersei just the right words to say to butter up a man who probably takes pride in not being prideful, that people who long for power aren't fit for it and the best leaders are people not interested in power, probably something she finds laughable herself, and she tells him "you and I both know how the world works... too often the wicked are the wealthiest, beyond the reach of justice, the King himself cannot always punish those who deserve it most" clearly angling for the new Faith Militant to be her personal attack dogs and the High Sparrow agrees with her but also reminds her "all sinners are equal before the gods" and Cersei just forces a smile knowing she's the most guilty and then asks "what would you say if I told you of a great sinner in our very midst? shrouded by gold and privilege" uh oh methinks Pycelle's whoring ways are about to backfire and the High Sparrow just smiles and says "may the Father judge him justly"

and then we cut to some sparrows this time with chains around their black robes to show they're of a more militant leaning now storming into a street, puncturing all the barrels of ale as people gasp around them and then throwing people out of a bar and smashing the other barrels open and we see a man biting down on a bit as his forehead is cut and the sparrows beat up some merchant and smash his stall and when he looks up to the City Guards on the wall and cries for help they just walk away knowing this is sanctioned by the queen and we see the man getting carved into more as he tries to withstand the pain and then the sparrows busting into a man with a cag riding him in a brothel and pulls them apart and a grinning sparrow with a mark on his forehead starts beating the man and they rush into another room that has loads of guests all making out and start beating the shit out of everyone and the gay pimp dude grabs one of them and warns "this is Lord Petyr Baelish's establishment" hoping that'll work this time but THE ZEALOT JUST ELBOWS HIM and leaves and then he hears someone shrieking in pain as a Sparrow yells COCKSUCKER! BOY FUCKER! YOU BUGGERING FILTH! as he finds... one of his male prostitutes on the floor next to a middle aged male john being beaten and their leader says "there's a special place in the seventh hell for your kind" and the john, who has a very small penis, shout out for still choosing to appear naked in the most popular TV show of all time lmao



starts begging that he'll pay all of them whatever they want but the leader takes out a knife and hisses "yes... you will" and comes towards him and he starts screaming as the pimp runs off in fear that he could be next and we see the man being carved on is Lancel who sits up revealing THE SPARROWS ARE CARVING HEPTAGRAMS INTO THEIR OWN AND GAY MEN'S FOREHEADS EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 96



and we see more sparrows including Lancel rushing into the City Guads training grounds armed with clubs and then seize... Loras, who's training the guards, and Lancel, who I just accidentally called Loras again, tells him "Ser Lancel of House Tyrell, you have broken the laws of gods and men" and Loras stares in confusion, anger and fear at this psycho staring at him with a fresh carving in his forehead who unbeknownst to him is his... uh... cousin-once-removed-in-law? who he's probably met before but can't recognize and asks "who do you think you are?" and Lancel replies "justice" edgy



and we cut to Margaery who clearly has no respect for her husband barges into a startled Tommen's dinning room and slams her hands on the table demands to know "why is my brother in a cell?" and Tommen stutters "I-I don't know I-I didn't order it" and Margaery just stares at the bewildered boy before saying "we both know who did" and storms around the room yelling at him "you told me she was returning to Casterly Rock!" and dumbass Tommen asks "are you saying my mother's behind this?" and she claims it's "she's jealous that you're not hers anymore, arresting my brother is her revenge!" and Tommen innocently asks "aren't you and mother getting along?" and Marg huffs in frustration at what a naive dumb boy and can't help herself from saying "oh my sweet, sweet King... do you have any affection for me at all?" and Tommen takes her hand and she guilts him into setting her brother free

then we see Tommen storming into his mothers office and for the first time in his life raises his voice to her "I demand that Ser Loras be freed now" and Cersei cocks an eyebrow at her son she couldn't be less scared of and asks coldly "did I arrest him?" instantly breaking Tommen's will who stands there stuttering "w-well- no... but y-you armed the Faith Militant... you gave the High Sparow an army!" whining like a little kid and Cersei admits "I did, and your wife has every right to criticize, we can't allow fantastics to arrest the queens brother no matter his perversions" and Tommen, having such a childlike experience is only concerned with "can I tell Margaery you'll have Ser Loras released?" just because he doesn't want his wife yelling at him again lmao and Cersei takes the opportunity to make Tommen go try and assert himself to the High Sparrow

so then we cut to four Kingsguard members and some soldiers escorting Tommen's cuckshed to the High Sept that now has homeless people all sitting at the bottom of the steps living there for their charity and as Tommen tries to walk up THE SPARROWS BLOCK THE KING'S WAY and he nervously looks up as the sparrow warns "his Holiness is praying, he will not be disturbed" and a kingsguard offers him "give the word and we'll clear out this rabble" putting his hand on his sword and Tommen looks around anxiously as if he's the main character in a telltale game having to choose between the lethal and non-lethal options and he asks "you mean kill them? here at the sept?" and the kingsguard maddogs the lead sparrow and jokes "you'd be sending them to meet the gods that they love" but ALL THE OTHER SPARROWS READY THEIR CLUBS and one of the homeless people yells out BASTARD! and another yells YOU'RE AN ABOMINATION! and Tommen looks around scared as he's never been insulted by a stranger before and all the homeless stand up as another yells BORN OF SIN! and Tommen looks around noticing other than the five kingsguard he only has five Lannister soldiers with him and a woman calls FILTHY BASTARD! and making the smart choice Tommen tells them "we'll find another way" and walks of as a man calls after him ABOMINATION! welp I see Cersei made the smart choice of empowering religious extremists which definitely won't have any blowback against her family, bit of a fucking retarded storyline for a woman so obsessed with monopolizing power for herself but here she's acting as if she just wants to bully Margaery, her family's safety be damned



and then we see Tommen coming back home and apologizing awkwardly to his wife "there was no way to free Ser Loras without violence" and Marg stares at him like is this kid fucking autistic or some shit and starts doing his titledrop memes and calls him out for "letting a bunch of fanatics imprison your brother-in-law" and Tommen shuffles nervously and claims "I'm going to speak to the High Sparrow" and Marg mocks "are you? when?" not bothering to pretend to respect him anymore and he mumbles "I don't know" and she repeats "you don't know?" and he tries to explain "he was praying... just now" and Marg realizes this soyboy isn't going to do shit to help her brother so rushes off to see her grandmother and when Tommen pathetically asks "will you come back later" having no idea how marriages work but still wanting affection from her and Marg says without even turning around knowing that withholding affection from him will get him more desperate for help and says "I need to be with my family Your Grace" and walks off leaving Tommen standing there sadly saying "of course" as he gets his first taste of palace politics drama all caused by his cunt mother

then at Castle Black Stannis and his wife are watching Jon and the men train and there is a bit where Jon blocks a guys sword and then swats it out the way and the man snaps his head away with a sound effect like he got hit or something even though the butt of Jon's sword was like a foot away from his face which makes me think like they shot him swordbutting him from the wrong angle so you can clearly see he's pulling his hit or something and Stannis' wife acts all cunty saying Jon is "the bastard by some tavern slut" and starts apologizing again for not giving him a son but Stannis still loves his wife somehow and says "not your fault" and she cant drop it and says "then whos? I gave you nothing but weakness...... and deformity" glaring over at her daughter sitting there quite entertained by seeing soldiers training like she'd only read about in books before as if she hates her own daughter just for being a woman never mind disfigured but the Red Lady turns up and tells her "her scars mean nothing to the Lord of Light, her father is the Lord's chosen king and her ather's blood runs through her veins" yep that little girl getting lit the fuck up and glares at her and the cunty wife knows she can't talk back to her so storms off and then the Red Lady makes sure to clarify that Stannis is bringing her to the invasion of Winterfell unlike leaving him behind for Davos like in King's Landing and she claims she only wants to serve her lord hmmmm maybe she can sacrifice more people in a war or something

then we see Jon having to actually do some work by signing a bunch of recruitment letters Sam has written to various Lords asking for reinforcements from their men and they joke about how they've never even heard of these families until Jon gets to... an awkward one... Roose Bolton and he refuses to ask his family's killer for help but Sam tries to explain they can't defend The Wall with 50 men and need to take men from anyone so Jon sits there fuming and forces himself to sign it and sits back in a huff and Sam rushes to pack the letters away before he tears it up or something and almost bums into the Red Lady as he's leaving and as she stares at him intimidating him he mumbles "my apologizes m'lady" and Jon nods that it's ok to leave him as they both don't trust her and after he does she immediately starts trying to get him to ride on Winterfell without any smalltalk reasoning he knows it better than any of them smiling as she knows how homesick he must be but Jon steels himself and insists the Night's Watch is his home now but the Red Lady tells him "there's only one war, life against death" ok thanks for killing all those people good job you crazy thot and she offers "come, see what you're fighting for" and Jon sneers "you're gonna show me some vision in the fire? forgive me my lady I don't trust in visions" probably being smart enough to know that it's just some inkblot test bullshit where she tells you what she wants you to see in a moving patern and you tell yourself you see it but she tells him "no visions, no magic, just life" and SHE DOES HER SPECIAL MOVE OF OPENING HER GOWN AND PUTTING JON'S HAND ON HER BREAST



and she asks the enthralled Jon "do you feel my heart beating? there's power in you, you resist it and that's your mistake, embrace it" and when Jon finally comes to of his pussyhaze and takes his hand away she just smiles like she's flattered and sits on his lap and when Jon points out Stannis wouldn't like them fucking she looks at him with crazy wild eyes and just says "then we shouldn't tell him" and starts to take his shirt off but he mumbles "I can't... I swore an oath... I loved another" and she tells him "the dead don't need lovers, only the living" and he snatches her hands away and tells her "I know, but I still love her" and the Red Lady leaves in a huff but before she does she turns to him and says the meme "YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW" oh ok thats why it's a meme, and he looks at her like what le fuggggggggg and she smiles cockily and leaves, ok fucking retarded for a few reasons one is that she can seemingly talk to fucking dead people if this isn't another parlor trick where she simply asked the Wildling POWs questions about his relationship with Yigritte or something but that's a whole new can of worms that implies souls exist and again why wouldn't any powerful person be able to get whatever information they want by getting a witch to contact dead people and this'll sound like a meme but I actually did have to look up to see if that seduction scene was written by a woman since Jon's reaction was so cartoony like he was literally being hypnotized by titties that I figured only a woman would think that is a proper reaction but no it's written by one of the rare writers not to be D&D (also this is the first season where GRRM didn't write an episode, guess he's too busy writing book 6 (yeah right you lazy fat fuck)) he's just a retarded hack obviously if any woman did this oh I will seduuuuuuuuce youuuuuuuuuuuu and literally take her robe off any man who doesn't have down syndrome would immediately realize she's trying to manipulate him with ill intent and she'd never be able to have credibility with him again since she's such an obvious bad actor or extremely unhinged



then we see Stannis' daughter visiting his temporary office and she starts fidgeting about and Stannis tells her "my father used to tell me boredom indicates a lack of inner resources" which is true I can autistically entertain myself with my imagination for hours on end and what Shireen takes from that is "were you bored a lot too?" as she can see through her father's words to his real feelings better than anyone other than the Red Lady and he goes to apologize for taking her there but she says she's enjoying it there despite her mother telling her she didn't want to bring her which upsets Stannis and she makes it worse by asking "are you ashamed of me father?" and Stannis puts down his papers and tells her a story of a doll a Dornish trader made to sell him and what a happy memory it was to give it to her as a baby... but then they had to burn it, implying it might have been contaminated with greyscale, and he tells her they expected her to die and everyone wanted to send her away to the ruins of I guess the Valyrian culture where the other "stone men" live before she infected the castle... I'm guessing maybe this is how he met the Red Lady? she did some magical shit to cure his daughter and halt it's progress? and she looks sad but then Stannis says "I told them all to go to hell" and she smiles, proud to have such a determined father who'll always protect her, and he says "I called in every maester, every healer, every apothecary, they stopped the disease and saved your life, because you do not belong half way across the world with the bloody stone men, you are the Princess Shireen of the House Baratheon... and you are my daughter" and she rushes up and hugs him tightly and he eventually puts his hands around her and allows himself to hold her, awwwwwwww, yeah something bad is happening to her

then we see Sansa in the Winterfell catacombs lighting some candles in some statues hands I guess paying tribute to her dead family members when she finds... the feather from a crow, but then CIA sneaks up on her and tells her that statue is your "Aunt Lyanna" and she talks about how much Ned missed her and CIA says he saw her when he was younger at a joust between Barry and Dany's brother actually and he remembers the girls swooning for his hansom silver hair ah so I guess Dany and her brother were widely known and not little kiddies during the Mad King's rule but he rode past Elia Martell and, wait, no, that's not Dany's brother, they're talking about, wait, Rhaegar Targaryen was the Mad King right? so it's Dany's father? so he was a prince at this time and presumably hadn't gone fucking insane yet? ok, and CIA talks about how he was riding straight past poor Elia who ends up getting Mountain'd and lays flowers down on Lyanna's lap, so I guess the meme here is that Lyanna is Dany's real mother and she's really a bastard that's Jon's cousin or something, I need a fucking family tree to follow this shit, and CIA wonders "how many tens of thousands had to die because Rhaegar chose your aunt?" and Sansa reminds him "yes he chose her... then he kidnapped and raped her" and CIA smirks at how self-assured she is and takes her "somewhere were the dead can't hear us" and Sansa is distressed to find CIA is leaving her there for King's Landing to keep up appearances with Cersei, this is a kind of dumb plan since Roose has no reason not to sell him out to Cersei, he's just gambling that now Tywin is dead Roose doesn't worry about the Lannister's from their lowered ability to project power up North, and then he makes the even bigger dumb move of assuring Sansa she wont be there for long as he explains how he gamed out that Stannis will be on the Iron Throne before winter since he's going to take Winterfell, get Ned's bannermen and successfully siege King's Landing this time and out of gratitude to her father's support will name her Wardeness of the North... which Sansa can't believe and asks what if he's wrong and CIA tells her she'll just manipulate Ramsay and make him hers so when he inherits his father's role she can use him as a proxy and Sansa worries "I don't know how to do that" but CIA assures her "of course you do, he's already fallen for you" and Sansa worries "his father frightens me" and CIA gets a cheeky smile and smarms "you should, he's a dangerous man, but even the most dangerous men can be outmanoeuvred and you've learnt to manner from the very best" and assures her she'll be strong without him and... CIA KISSES HIS STEP-NIECE and promises her the North and makes sure to ask "do you believe me?" and she nods and tells him she'll be a married woman by the time he returns and as he leaves her smile falters as she's just playing him the whole time, ok, this seems fucking retarded, unless CIA is doing some master ruseman shit to fuck over Stannis for Cersei or some shit why the fuck would he tell her shit like how Stannis is at Castle Black? he knows this family is infamous for torturing people, and how is he such a brainlet he doesn't know Ramsay is at least as dangerous as Roose from all his public flayings and obviously can't be cowtowed by Sansa? it would make sense if he only told her that because he's really siding with Stannis and was giving her false intel knowing Ramsay would get it out of her to trick them into an epic ruse, but Stannis really is in Castle Black, so I think it might just be a case of shit writing and CIA has gone from the most epic rusemaster in season 3 to a fucking idiot that can't tell he can't trust a 15 year old girl not to spill the beans to a family of notorious torturers



then in Dorne we see Bronn rowing a little rowboat with Jaime on it to shore and he stares at him angry he's not helping and Jaime just holds up his metal hand he can't grip anything properly with so if he rowed they'd just start going in a circle lmao and they stash their little boat in some grass on the beach and make camp but Jaime is woke up by BRONN THROWING A KNIFE... INTO A SNAKE BY HIS HEAD and he cheerily says "breakfast!"



and over a fire as they cook the snake Bronn banters about how "two knights off to save a princess, sounds like a good song to me" but Jaime's idea of banter is to ask him how he'd want to die to try to get as much intel on his travelling companion as he can like a true Lannister and is disappointed to hear Bronn just wants to die an old man in his own keep having his sons grovel for their inheritance and Jaime says in a weird pervy way he'd want to die "in the arms of the woman I love" and Bronn can probably guess who he's on about and asks "would she want the same thing?" and Jaime just makes him get ready to leave then Bronn asks if the captain was Braavosi, I think the city Arya is in and Mace is on his way to, and Jaime says Pentosi, not sure we've been to Pentos yet but I guess black people are from there, and he warns Jaime that he'll tip them off he's there but he assures he bribed him and Bronn jokes "I'm not sure you understand how much people hate your family in this part of the world" and as if to confirm he's right FOUR SOLDIERS RIDE UP ON HORSEBACK and the lads dive behind a sanddune and Broon asks how many he could take and Jaime whines "one... if he's slow?" and these two dumbasses have forgotten they're on a beach and the soldiers simply follow their footprints behind the hill and Bronn is like "oof fucked in the arse" lmao how the fuck did two experienced soldiers miss that one, shit writing so they come out with their hands up and the riders surround them and Bronn says "morning lads... glad we found you" and the men ask "who are you?" and Bronn gives him and Jaime's names as "Cooper and Darnell" as if Jaime's fucking golden hand doesn't instantly give him away to anyone who knows anything about Westeros politics and the guard realizes he's from King's Landing and Bronn's like "accent gave me away?" since he has a sort of cockney London accent sine that's what KL is a stand-in for and Bronn says he's from Flea Bottom which is where characters like Davos, Gentry and Karl were from (despite Davos speaking in an Irish accent lmao) and Bronn claims they're shipwreck survivors and Jaime claims "was sure the sharks would get us" and the guard angrily says "there are no sharks in dorn" and Bronn awkardly says "maybe they were dolphins?" and the guard aint buying it and orders them at spear point to throw down their swords and Bronn gives Jaime a look and Jaime nods for him to do it but as soon as he puts his sword down



BRONN THROWS HIS KUKRI KNIFE INTO THE GUARDS NECK



BLOCKS THE SPEAR OF A SECOND GUARD AND PLUNGES HIS SWORD THROUGH HIM



AND WHEN THE THIRD GUARD CHARGES AT HIM HE SLASHES HIS HORSE'S UNDERSIDE CAUSING IT TO FLIP OVER



and he tells Jaime "that would should be slow enough" and walks off to the fourth one and Jaime readies himself as the guard stands up and JAIME BLOCKS HIS ATTACKS AWKARDLY FIGHTING WITH ONLY ONE HAND STRUGGLING TO TRY TO GET AN ATTACK OF HIS OWN THROUGH AS BRONN CHASES AFTER THE LAST GUY ON A HORSE IN THE BACKGROUND AND JAIME CAN BARELY STAY STANDING AS THE GUARD RAINS DOWN SLASHES AT HIM



AND SMACKS HIM IN THE FACE SENDING HIM FALLING OVER AND HE HAS TO DO A BARREL ROLL DOWN THE SANDHILL TO ESCAPE HIS SCIMITAR BUT THE GUARD SLIDES DOWN AFTER HIM LIKE IT'S APEX LEGENDS AND STARTS ATTACKING JAIME STILL ON HIS KNEES SENDING HIM FALLING FURTHER DOWN THE HILL AND THE GUARD MANAGES TO SMASH JAIME'S WORD SO HARD HE DROPS IT AND SWINGS HIS BLADE DOWN AT JAIME FOR THE KILLING BLOW BUT... JAIME CATCHES THE GUARDS BLADE WITH HIS GOLDEN HAND!!!



AND THE GUARD STRUGGLES TO PULL IT LOOSE SO JAIME GRABS HIS SWORD BACK AND RAMS IT RIGHT THROUGH HIM!!!



and Jaime stands up super confident and kicks the dead dude off of his sword sending him to the bottom of the hill and Bronn turns up and says "nice move" and Jaime looks at the sword still embedded between his prosthetic thumb and palm and admits "luck" as he was just putting his hand up to defend himself and Bronn assures him "you had a wonderful teacher" as Jaime has to kick the sword out of his metal grip and once he gets back up the hill Bronn has killed the fourth guy and taken his horse and Jaime tells him they need to bury the bodies to avoid a war adding "I can't really dig a hole with one hand... not at all really" much to Bronn's frustration

then we cut to a woman in a burqa riding along the beach until she arrives at a tent and a woman welcomes her and she reveals that she's uhhh what did I call her... fucking Oberyns lover, and this woman is apparently her daughter, and she greets her daughter's half-sisters Nym and Obara (need to find a place to put a "thanks Obara" meme) and the first one who has an extreme resting bitch face asks "will it be war?" but she tells them Doran aint doing shit but "we don't need an army to start a war" and Obara I think says "you may have a problem" and she uses a whip to whip a bucket off the ground to reveal THE SHIP CAPTAIN HAS BEEN BURRIED UP TO HIS NECK AND HAS SCORPIONS CRAWLING OVER HIS FACE



who approached them in a bar selling information on Jaime and the milf realizes "he's come for Marcella, if he gets to her before we do we lose our only change for revenge: you must choose, Doran's way and peace, or my way and war" and her daughter chooses her side and the more asian looking one Nym nods in support and Obara starts straight into a monologue about how when Oberyn first introduced himself to her her mother cried that he was going to take her to court, no place for a little girl apparently, and Oberyn just said "boy or girl we all must fight our battles, but the gods let us choose our weapons" and pointed to his spear and then to her mothers tears and OBARA THROWS HER SPEAR THROUGH THE CAPTAIN'S HEAD EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 97 (and the CGI looks terrible for it lmao) and quips to her smiling sister and her mother "I made my choice long ago" I guess saying she won't be a typical manipulative woman to get what she wants but choose force even though that's not the options at all here the options are force and not being pieces of shit who hurt an innocent girl... for some cringy feminist shit this is us meeting Oberyn's Sand Snake bastard daughters and I wish I could talk shit about it just being the writers coming up with their own shit for season 5 but sadly they are in the books too so nice one GRRM



then on Jorah's rowboat Tyrion is begging to be untied but Jorah won't so Tyrion starts obnoxiously singing and wont shut the fuck up until Jorah gives in and ungags him lmao and he immediately gets to work fucking with Jorah asking who he is and Jorah just growls "your captor" and Tyrion asks for wine but Jorah has none and then Tyrion starts trying to get intel from him by telling him he's going the wrong way to take him to his sister but Jorah says he's not taking him to his sister and Tyrion's like but you said you're taking me to the queen and he sais "I am, Queen Daenerys Targaryen" which I think is meant to be le ebin twist but Jorah is so obviously obsessed with Dany it's obvious he'd want to suck up to her rather than just cash-in with Cersei and Tyrion literally laughs at him and tells him "what a waste of a good kidnapping, it so happens I was heading there himself" explaining he's looking for "gold and glory, oh and hate, if you'd ever met my sister you'd understand" and asks to be untied "now it's clear we're on the same side" but Jorah thinks it's a trick and ignores him so Tyrion doxxes him from his bear plate sigil armor that he's Jorah Mormont and deduces that since he was drinking in a whorehouse half a world away Dany must have kicked him out for being a spy and Jorah looks away anxiously as Tyrion taunts him for being desperate for trying to win her back using him as a gift and warns she might execute him instead so JORAH PUNCHES TYRION OUT well that's one way to stop someone from playing mindgames with you lmao



then we see Dany overlooking a slightly dodgy looking cgi Meereen worrying about the people and Barry chuckles as he remembers Rhaegar making him escort him into the streets of King's Landing to sing with the mistrals which Dany finds hard to believe, wait, her brother she let Aquaman kill? or an older brother? or her father? I'm fucking confused, and Barry admits he also took money to see how much he could make lol and ah yes Viserys is her younger brother and Dany talks about how he only talked about hoe Rhaegar was good at killing people and Dany tells her he never liked doing that, but loved singing, and would always donate the money to the poor, but then Daario turns up to tell her Hizzy wants to see her and Dany jokingly tells Barry to go and sing a song for her, I thought she was serious for a moment and wanted a performance or was telling him to go sing on the street or something wouldn't surprise me, and Daario assures him he can protect her from the skinny Hizzy but she says she could protect herself from him ok no need to be mean about that skinny dude



and then on her throne Hizzy is whining to her again about the fighting pits saying the men want their shot at glory and he waxes poetically about her ancestors invading Westeros for glory but Dany just asks "is that what you used to tell men before you set them to butchering each other for sport?" and insists she doesn't respect that tradition but Hizzy insists those traditions hold this city together and without them all they have is slaves and masters who hate each other and as he speaks we see... SotH men running through some underground tunnels, uh oh, and in a market it looks like some Second Son men and maybe a Dothraki are flirting with women when THE SONS OF THE HARPIES ATTACK THEM STABBING THEM IN THE BACK



and a patrol of Unsullied hear the civilians screaming and crying and they run to find Dany's dead men and one of the women points them to where they ran but then stops crying as soon as they run off as she's in on it, maybe the whore who killed the Unsullied before, and when the Unsullied run into an alleyway THE SEVEN UNSULLIED ARE SURROUNDED BY A DOZEN SONS OF HARPIES ON EITHER SIDE



AND THEY ALL START FIGHTING IN A BIG MEELE WITH THE UNSULLIED SLAUGHTERING THE HARPIES BUT TWO OF THEM GET THEIR THROATS SLIT AND GREY WORM STARTS GOING HAM PUTTING HIS SPEAR THROUGH AN ENEMIES CHEST



SMASHING ANOTHERS RIBCAGE IN WITH HIS SHIELD, KNOCKING OUT ANOTHER, SPEARING ANOTHER, SLITTING A THIRDS THROAT WITH HIS OWN SHORTSWORD, SPLITTING ANOTHERS SPINE WITH HIS SPEAR



AND OUTSIDE WE SEE ANOTHER TWO UNSULLIED AMBUSHED BY EIGHT SotH



and in the streets we see Barry... on his way to sing? when a bell starts going off and civilians all flee in terror so he takes out his sword and rushes to see what's going on and we get back to GREY WORM FIGHTING MASKED GOONS OFF BUT ONE STABS HIM IN THE BACK AND HE KILLS HIM WITH HIS SPEAR, GETS BEHIND ANOTHER AND RAMS HIM ONTO THE HANDLE OF HIS SPEAR STILL IN THE LAST GUYS CORPSE, PULLS THE KNIFE OUT FROM HIS SIDE, SNAPS THE NECK OF A THIRD AND STARTS KNIFE FIGHTING A FOURTH



AND OUTSIDE WE SEE MORE HARPIES SLAUGHTERING UNSULLIED AND BACK INSIDE WE SEE GREY WORM GOING HAM RACKING UP KILLS WITH HIS SPEAR BUT NOW IT'S JUST HIM AND HE'S SURROUNDED BUT THEN THEY HEAR A HARPY SCREAMING AS HE DIES AND THEY LOOK OVER TO SEE... BARRY KILLING HIM!!!



AND THE 70 YEAR OLD DUDE COMES TOWARDS THE EIGHT REMAINING HARPIES IN A DUELLING STANCE... AND HE HACKS THROUGH ONE, BLOCKS AND HACKS ANOTHER, USES ANOTHER AS A HUMAN SHIELD AGAINST A SWORD, CUTS DOWN A FOURTH AND A FIVE AND A SIXTH AND A SEVENTH



AS GREY WORM LOOKS ON IN MAD RESPECT AND KILLS ONE TOO AS BARRY CUTS DOWN HIS EIGHTH AND NINTH KILL BUT OTHERS COME IN AND START ATTACKING HIM FROM BEHIND BUT BARRY RUNS A TENTH THROUGH BUT ANOTHER CUTS HIS LEG CAUSING HIM TO FELL TO HIS KNEE AND HE CUTS HIS ELEVENTH KILL ACROSS THE CHEST BUT ANOTHER PUNCHES HIM DOWN AND BARRY KNEELS BACK UP AND RAMS HIS SWORD THROUGH HIS TWELFTH KILL



BUT ANOTHER MANAGES TO STAB HIM IN THE BACK AND HE RUNS HIM THROUGH TOO GETTING HIS THIRTEENTH KILL BUT THE LAST GUY STANDING STABS HIM IN THE CHEST CAUSING BARRY TO DROP HIS SWORD AS THE LAST HARPIE GETS BEHIND HIM AND IS ABOUT TO SLIT HIS THROAT...



BUT GREY WORM STABS HIM IN THE BACK SAVING BARRY!!! BUT HE'S TOO LATE AND HE'S DIED FROM HIS STAB WOUNDS!!! ok I found that scene a bit weird since I thought the Unsullied were meant to be best fighting force in the world training all their lives since they were like 5 but some random thugs for hire can just zerg rush them? in real life you probably really could just rush a great meele fighter and beat him with numbers since fighting in real life is unballanced bs but within this fictional universe they're meant to be peak lethality and the SotH are untrained randos and it's a shame Barry got killed off since he was useful as one of the oldest characters who knows a lot of important information and had an interesting angle of being one of the few characters still loyal to the Targs despite the whole burning civilians issue and I remember when this episode aired the actor who plays him was upset for being killed off because he made sure to study all the books and Barry is still alive at the moment so he wasn't expecting it and wanted to do more of the material but good on him that he at least got a badass fight scene to go out on despite him and his characters age (although in the wider shots you can tell it's a stuntman doing the more crazy moves with a really fake looking beard lmao) and it was sweet he was doing it all to save Grey Worm who he'd been comrades with for like 2 years now but I guess it's good that Dany is finally getting some personal repercussions for once in her life in having her closest ally now that Jorah is fired get merced





Game of Thrones 5x05: "Kill the Boy"
eat the rich special edition
First aired: May 10, 2015

we see Missy crying over Grey Worms fucked up body as he rests in bed and then Dany in her throne room with Daario over poor Barry's corpse and Hizzy comes in to give his condolences clearly scared she'll merc him for being from the master class and Dany talks about how Barry was so honerable and crossed a continent to serve her and ended up being killed by cowards in masks and Daario suggests they pull back to the pyramid district and clear-out the city block by block but Dany is going to go with rounding up the leaders of all the master family's and Hizzy is like "but... I'm the leader of my family" and the guards grab him to pull him away as be pleads that he had nothing to do with it lmao and then oh shit.... she takes all the family's down into the catacombs and they hear chains rattling and she orders them to walk into the darkness and they beg for mercy so the Unsullied poke them forwards and they start to hear... dragons growling... and she tells them in Valyrian "they'll eat you if I tell them to... maybe even if I don't" and talks about how the dragons are like her children that need discipline as if she's also talking about her citizens and she nods to have a bald man shoved forwards and he looks up from his knees to see something glowing in the darkness and ONE OF THE DRAGONS SPRAYS HIM WITH FIRE



AND THE TWO OF THEM TEAR HIS FLAMING BODY APART



and Dany edgily says "innocent? maybe some of you are, maybe none of you are, maybe... I should let the dragons decide" and strokes Hizzy's back sensually and he just says the "valia margulas" meme and closes his eyes ready to die but Dany just says in Englush sorry the common tongue "don't want to overfeed them... tomorrow perhaps"



wow good job murdering a man without trial I thought that was bad Dany you dumb thot and she just stands there watching emotionlessly as the dragons feast on this probably innocent man EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 98



then we see Sam reading a letter updating the blind maester guy on Dany's current situation and Aemon can't bear that his... niece? is all alone with him too far away to help as he's her only living relative and he says "Targaryen alone in the world is a terrible thing" yeah because they're all psychos everyone hates lmao and then Jon comes in and does the "leave us" meme to Sam who instantly leaves completely trusting Jon who sits down with Aemon and asks him how he feels and he jokes "oh like a hundred year old man slowly freezing to death" lmao and he asks him for advice on what to do about something that'll make half the men hate him and he instantly says "half the men already hate you, do it!" and empathetically touches his face so he can read his expression what with being blind and all and tells him he trusts him and that he'll find little joy in command and advises him to "kill the boy" and I thought he was talking about Olly for a second lol but he means the boy within Jon so he can "let the man be born" and learn to make tough decisions, then we cut to Jon talking to Tormund asking where the other free folk have gone and he implies they've dispersed back into their constitute tribes now Mance is dead and Jon suggests freeing him so he can take his place but Tormund still sees them as enemies but Jon tells him the free folk count as the realms of men under his protection now he's Lord Commander and promises to let his people south of the wall if they fight for him but Tormund claims they'd just "cut my guts from my belly and make me eat them" if he proposed that and Jon tries to guilt him into it for the sake of the non-combatant free folk which doesn't get a reaction so he just tries calling him a coward so Tormund stands up and mad dogs him saying "easy thing to say to a man in chains" so JON UNCHAINS TORMUND who stands there in disbelief trying to control himself from doing anything stupid and Jon just breaks down the situation that his people are gonna get hit by the White Walkers first so Tormund reveals where his people are and Jon promises him Stannis ship to evacuate them but Tormund insists he comes with him so his people believe him that it's not some sort of trap



then in the dining hall Jon's advisers are telling him fuck the Wildlings, if they die that's less of them to fight and the men cheer and Stannis can't help himself but say under his breath to himself "fewer" correcting the dudes grammer lmao in 2019 Stannis would be like my dad who spends all day on facebook correcting peoples spelling and Sam suggests letting them settle abandoned farm land but another man points out they're only abandoned because of fucking Wildling raids and points to Olly saying "they cut them down, just like they did to this boys people!" who looks down in grief as the men clamour to support him and Alliser agrees saying they've slaughtered their people for thousands of years and Jon says so have we but Jon's last friend stands up and says they killed Grenn and Pyp and 50 other brothers and Jon reminds him that if they abandon them they'll just join the army of the dead, which is a dumb fantasy concept but I guess could be read as your enemy converting others to their ideology like ISIS or something, and the men all start yelling angrily

then later Jon is in his office and Olly brings him some food and rushes to leave but Jon stops him and tells him to say what he wants to say to him and a nervous Olly begs him to say it's just a trick he's playing on the wildlings but when he says it's not he says "they burned down my village, they put an arrow through my father's head right in front of me, they butchered my mother, everyone I ever knew" and Jon walks up looks down compassionately at him and tells him he knows what it's like and it's hard for him but Winter is Coming™ and they can't face it alone and Olly looks down heartbroken that his hero has disappointed him and just asks "will there be anything else Lord Commander?" and Jon says no and lets him away with a sigh

then we see Pod with arms full of supplies coming into an Inn in a town that overlooks Winterfell that Brie is staring at anxiously thinking about what the Bolton's could be doing to Sansa right now and Pod adds at least she's far away from the Lannisters and back home but Brie points out the Bolton's killed her family too and then some serf looking guy with one of those serf hats comes limping in and gives them a clean chamberpot and Brie thanks him and asks how long he's stayed there and this oddly hansom old man who kinda looks like Jorah says he knew Ned and his father and Brie can tell he's loyal to the Starks so asks him if he can get a message to Sansa and tells him of her oath but the old man's not buying it until Brie walks up to him and tells him "I serve Lady Caitlyn and I serve her still... who do you serve?" convincing him of her conviction



then we see Myranda staring out a window probably at Sansa when Ramsay orders her back to bed but she starts whining about how he said he'd marry her and Ramsay explains that that was when he was a Snow and talks some bullshit about how now he's a Bolton "what I want is no longer a primary consideration... I'm furthering a dynasty" but Myranda's not buying it and asks "do you think she's pretty?" and Ramsay admits "of course I do, I'm not blind" but his negging doesn't work so he walks up and grabs her from behind and starts groping her and tells her "you think she's pretty too, I'm looking forward to our wedding night but don't worry I'll have plenty time for you" knowing she's just insecure about not getting attention from him but Myranda's not falling for this either and teases "perhaps I'll marry to" and being talked back to sparks Ramsay's true nature and he mocks her for being the kennel masters daughter who could only marry a stable masters son and she gets triggered and tries to slap him but Ramsay grabs her wrists and pins them up against the wall and threatens her "you're mine, you're not going anywhere, unless I have to listen to more of your jealousy, jealousy bores me, you remember what happens to people who bore me? you're not going to bore me are you Myranda?" and she's oddly reasured by him wanting to still be entertained by her so they kiss and MYRANDA BITES RAMSAY'S LIP and he reacts with shock that someone would dare hurt him and she tells him lovingly "never" and he grins manically that this woman's so enthralled by him and he turns her around and starts fucking her and kissing her neck as she looks out the window satisfied she can keep her man from some young thot, also let me just say that to the limited extent I actually care about this sort of thing I like Myranda's bodytype with her ribs showing and hips jutting out lmao not to condone anorexia or anything but that's what I get for growing up fapping to creepy-chan



then in Sansa's room and old lady comes claiming to be there to clean her wash basin but then as soon as she's inside whispers "you still have friends in the North, if you're ever in trouble light a candle in the highest window of the broken tower" and when Sansa asks "but who" the woman just says "you're not alone" with Brie probably smart enough to not tell that old guy to even tell the old woman who's sending the message so there's at least two people to get through to get to her and then Sansa looks up at the old broken tower that Bran fell out of tempted to tap out now that she has the option but then uh oh Myranda comes up and awkwardly makes small talk about her dress and introduces herself as if she's just some shy girl and then creepily inspects the stitching on Sansa's dress as if she has some fucked up version of jealous lust for Sansa where she wishes she was her just because she's married to Ramsay like some single white female shit and tries to fuck with Sansa's head that since her mother taught her how to stitch now she can remember her whenever she wears something she made, trying to spoil something Sansa's proud of by associating it with her painful memories of her mother's death, but Sansa just says "I'd rather have a mother" and Myranda keeps prying trying to get under her skin and when it's not working she plays her trump card and offers to show her something else to remember and opens the gates to the dog kennels and Sansa can sense there's some bullshiiiiiiit about but Myranda promises she'll be safe and Sansa nervously walks past all the dogs jumping up banging on their cage doors and she looks back to see Myranda gone but the gate thankfully left open until she gets to the end and sees... a human figure curled up in the corner of the last cage and when a dog bangs against its door REEK WAKES UP WITH A START and Sansa realizes "Theon" but Reek shakes his head refusing to be called that name but after his mission to retake that castle he's become some fucked up combination of more steadfast to be Reek to avoid the stress of temptation or realized for his own sake and now hers he needs to keep Theon from resurfacing almost like Reek is protecting Theon and tells her with more confidence and less shaking than usual "you shouldn't be here" and curls up in the corner and Sansa storms out in rage at how they've clearly been torturing her adoptive brother or whatever their relation would be and I'm not sure if she even heard the fake news about Theon killing her little brothers and then later Reek is dressing Ramsay who says "you smell particularly rrrripe this evening" and Reek just stands there shamefully and Ramsay orders him expectantly "pour me some wine" and studies him as he does so noticing that he's not as attentive as usual predicting all his desires to fulfil them to avoid his wrath and he asks "do you have something to tell me?" and Reek makes sure to pathetically say "no my lord" but Ramsay insists "Reek...." and Reek confesses "she saw me... Sansa, Lady Sansa, she came to the kennel, I'm sorry master, forgive me I didn't think" and Ramsay tells him "come here" and Reek staggers over terrified and Ramsay puts his hand under his chin and tells him "you mustn't keep secrets from me" and... orders Reek to his knees... but instead of facefucking him he orders "give me your hand" and Reek apprehensively puts up his right hand that's already missing it's pinky finger and Ramsay gives a little smile as he considers what he could do to Reek but then places his hand over his and says "I forgive you" and Reek stops shaking in fear and looks up blankly as if he's even more motivated now to only focus on serving him and Ramsay looks down satisfied



then at an dinner with the in-laws a goofily grinning Ramsay is pouring his wife to be and his step-mother wine and gives a dumb toast about how all northerners share blood ties and Roose looks at him sceptically as he wonders why his psycho son is trying so hard to seem jovial and the dumb fat woman gives Sansa her condolences for being in a strange place but Sansa corrects her "this is my home, it's the people that are strange" and Ramsay jokes "yes, very strange" and yells "more wine please!" knowing who has to deliver it... Reek shuffling over on his probably mutilated feet to top up his drink and the smug Ramsay prattles on about how this is a fitting place for their reunion and I guess Sansa did hear the news as Ramsay gleefully prods at that wound asking "are you still mad at him after he..." and Sansa, used to a fiance emotionally abusing her after being promised to Joffrey for so many years, just doesn't give a reaction which super winds up Ramsay but he composes himself and keeps prodding "after what he did, don't worry, The North remembers" trying to make her feel complacent in Reek's enslavement as if it was done out of revenge for her family and as Reek pours his step-mother wine she leans super far away from him as he stinks and is just an awkward person to be around and Ramsay claims "I punished him for it, he's not Ironborn anymore... not Theon Grejoy anymore, he's a new man! a new person anyway hehehe, aren't you Reek?!" and when Reek instantly says "yes master" Ramsay explains "that's his new name: Reek" Sansa asks "why are you doing this?" and Ramsay grins and says "because Reek has something to say to you, don't you Reek?" and when Reek just stands there Ramsay gestures for him to come over and reminds him "an apology" and as Reek just stands there the fat mother in law sits there super uncomfortable and Roose stares at his son as if he's out of his fucking mind but he can't say anything about his only heir and Ramsay looks at Reek like you better fucking do it don't embarrass me in front of everyone as he orders "apologize to Lady Sansa for what you did... apologize for murdering her two brothers" even though he knows full well that he didn't do it and Sansa glares at Reek as she still believes it oh my god this fucking burned farmboys storyline is still going



and Reek pathetically says "I'm sorry" as he looks at the ground but Ramsay insists "look at her Reek, an apology doesn't mean anything if you're not looking the person in the eye" and Reek struggles to do so, not used to looking anyone in the eye, and mumbles "I'm sorry" and Ramsay can't get enough and asks "sorry about what?" as Reek finishes "killing your brothers" and Ramsay looks mischievously over at Sansa to read her expression but Sansa has realized Theon ain't fucking home anymore at this stage and is more mad at Ramsay for fucking with her and Reek looks down humiliated and his father and step-mother sit there trying not to cringe and Ramsay suddenly perks up and announces "there! over and done with! doesn't everyone feel better? that was getting very... tense!" as everyone sighs in awkward relief but then Ramsay keeps pushing "you know my lady, what with him having murdered your brothers and... the rest of your family gone, Reek here is the nearest thing to living kin that you have left!" as if's some fun trivia and Ramsay announces "REEK! YOU WILL GIVE AWAY THE BRIDE! someone has to, what better person? good? good?" as Sansa sits there fuming and Roose can't take this fucking autism anymore and drones "yes yes very good" and Ramsay delcares "wonderful!" super satisfied that he came up with a new way to degrade both of them and Roose gives him a condescending smile like he's forcing himself not to disown him and smugly announces he has something to tell them and his fat wife tells them "we're going to have a baby" and Ramsay's face freezes and Sansa notices something finally getting to him and smiles and says "I'm happy for you" and Roose happily tells his bastard freak son "from the way she's carrying Maester Wolkan says it looks like a boy" and Ramsay just forces himself to drink his wine as he sits there fuming now with Sansa looking over smugly at him



then at night Roose is looking over a map of the territories they control as Ramsay starts shitposting "how can you tell? that she's pregnant... I mean... how can you tell?" and makes hand motions to indicate how obese his step-mother is lmao



and Roose coldly says he's been assured beyond all doubt clearly not giving a fuck about his wife and Ramsay keeps pushing "so how did you manage it? getting her pregnant? how did you... find it?" trying to do the same shit that Tyrion used to do to Tywin and Roose, not offended but just disappointed, tells him "you disgraced yourself at dinner, parading that creature before the Stark girl" and when Ramsay whines "what if it's a boy?" Roose chuckles and calls him out "you're worried about your position" and Ramsay insists "my position is quite clear, I'm you're son.... until a better alternative comes along!" and downs his wine and storms off to refill it and Roose can tell he's about to do a school shooting or some shit so starts fucking with him saying "you've never asked about your mother" and Ramsay pretends not to care saying "she had me, she died, and here we are" but Roose tells her she was some peasant girl he fancies and when she married without telling him "I had him hanged and I took her beneath the tree where he was swaying, she fought me the whole time, she was lucky I didn't hang her too" smiling as he tells his son he was conceived from rape EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 99 and Ramsay looks confused not knowing what to make of this as Roose says when she came to him with him as a baby he almost had her whipped and him thrown on the river but he could tell from looking at him "you are my son" and Ramsay looks around in awkward disbelief not sure what to make of his father accepting him and if he can trust it or not but before he can say anything Roose moves onto talking about how they need to defend against Stannis and asks for his help defeating him and a now determined Ramsay says firmly "yes" as he's some fucked up combination of degraded and reassured by his fathers confession just like what he was doing to Myranda, oh yes and ROOSE BOLTON +1 RAMSAY'S MOTHER (RAPED UNDER HER LYNCHED LOVER)



then in Castle Black Gilly is asking Sam if the library has every book there is as she's just le simple country bumpkin and he tells her about the Citadel's huge library in Oldtown but she has no idea what he's talking about and says "sorry I don't know things" and he erasures her she knows loads of things he doesn't know and tells her about how he used to want to be a maester but somehow ended up there with the upside being he met her and then Stannis barges in and Gilly gets scared and runs off and Stannis actually recognizes Sam as the son of the man who defeated Robert at the only battle he ever lost and Sam stands there super awkward as if he thinks Stannis might stab him in revenge or some shit but he just talks shit about how his brother never listened to his tactical advice and tells Sam "you don't look like a soldier, but I'm told you killed a White Walker, how?" and Sam tells him about the dragonglass dagger and that all he's been able to find in the archives is the children of the forest used to hunt with it and Stannis walks up to him and says the Red Lady warned him about them and Sam gets scared and tells him he's seen the army of the dead and Stannis tells him to keep reading so they know how to beat them and walks off like a weird autist

and we see Stannis visiting Davos who's carving something for his daughter and he tells him "it's time" but Davos says they should wait to see if Jon brings over the wildlings but Stannis says they're ready now and they can't wait in case winter starts at any moment, since they really don't want to be stuck up there during winter, and Davos says he'll leave behind some men to guard the queen and princess, but Stannis smiles and says "no need they're coming with us" like it's no issue and Davos advises against it but Stannis points out "half these Watchmen are killers and rapists" WOAH WOAH WOAH WHAT HAPPENED TO LE EBIN FANTASY TERM "RAPERS"? IT'S RAPISTS NOW? PLOT HOOOOOLE!!! maybe Stannis picked up another dialect but they call them that down south too and as Stannis walks off Davos looks over at the Red Lady knowing she's probably behind this and is scared she's up to some bullshit

then the next morning Gilly, Sam and baby Sam are watching Stannis men get all togged up and ready to leave as Shireen asks Davos if she'll be allowed down into the crypt in Winterfell getting excited for the battle and he assure her she'll be no where near it but the queen comes up and bitchily tells him to stop scaring her child with talk of battle just hating that her daughter has a relationship with her fathers friend rather than her and when Shireen claims "I'm not scared" Davos jokes "well I am, when the battle comes promise you'll protect me?" and Shireen smiles "I promise" and Sam and Gilly wave goodbye to her but she sees her mother is watching and can't wave back and then Jon catches Stannis on his way out warns him about the wildlings and Jon promises he'll get his ships back and thanks him sincerely for his help (I still don't get how Stanins turned up in time, how did he know they were attacking? I guess it really was le ebin convenience he turned up just in the nick of time to save The Wall, shit writing tbh) and then everyone gives each other furtive looks as Stannis army pulls out



then in Meereen Grey Worm wakes up with a start and Missy tells him he's ben out for three days and just shakes her head sadly when he asks for Ser Barrister and he immediately starts blaming himself and Missy tries to reassure him he fought bravely and starts speaking in English that he was ambushed and there's no shame in that but Grey Worm says he's not ashamed for being wounded but because he was scared and Missy assures him "all men fear death" but Grey Worm admits "no not death, I fear I never again see Missandei from the Island of Naath" awwwwwwwww and she starts crying at the sentiment but coming from a man she can never have a family with or maybe even a proper relationship with he's so fucked up and damaged but she figures fuck it she's not perfect either and MISSY KISSES GREY WORM! and if Ramsay's theory about the phantom penis is right he'll probably know right now



and later she talks to Dany who says the edgy sentiment "if I give everyone what they deserve I'll have no one left to rule" and laments how Barry was the one counseling mercy, Daario says kill em all and she asks Missy what she thinks and can't believe she says she's not fit to give an opinion and insists she give it and Missy says she sees her weigh the choices her counsellors give her but also ignore them when only she can see the better choice and Dany gets thinking about what's something she could do no one else would think of so she goes down into the dungeons and sees Hizzy who gets on his knees and begs explaining he was only brave in the moment to not die a coward but still wants to live and she compliments "it takes courage to admit fear... and to a mistake" and admits to him that she was wrong and he was right about tradition bringing the people together and agrees to reopen the fighting pit but only for free men WE ANCAPISTAN NOW BOIS, KILL EACH OTHER ALL YOU WANT IF YOU CONSENT TO IT and she also says she'll marry the head of a powerful family to better show ties to the city and drops "thankfully a suiter is already on his knees" which would be ebin except 1) it's not shown in this universe that a man gets on his knees to propose and 2) bit weird and rapey since what's this guy going to say? no and get fed to a fucking dragon for not abiding by her terms?



then on Jorah's boat Tyrion is shivering in cold and pain and starts annoying Jorah again who just stands there guiding the boat in silence so Tyrion tries to apologize for talking so much shit to no response so tries asking for wine again but Jorah just grumbles "no wine" and Tyrion reveals that's the real reason he's shaking lmao and comes close to begging for wine as he's in withdrawal but then Jorah stands up seeing something and Tyrion looks off seeing "Valyria" some old ass looking city hidden in mist uh oh isn't this where the "stone men" live? uh oooh and Tyrion warns "you know what they say, The Doom still reigns in Valyria, what about the demons and the flames? aren't you afraid?" and Jorah says "no, but pirates are" explaining why he's taking this route so they don't get ye olde sea mugged and then sailing down what Tyrion calls "the Smoking Sea" from the mist rising off of it they pass some old ass looking aztec temples that are all worn away by the weather and covered in trees and vines and Tyrion talks about how the Valyrian were the best in the world at almost everything so they're a sort of fallen civilization atlantis thing and he repeats a poem about what sounds like a volcano eruption which I guess is what lead to the myths about demons still ruling thee and I guess this makes this place also has a Pompeii thing going on (I remember reading some graffiti that was preserved in pompeii and it was startlingly relatable upon translation, literally people shitposting about Athenians being boyfuckers, cursing the homeless who keep shitting beside a mans house, graffiti claiming to be famous people having shit there, two men boasting about how many women they fucked, people ordering their enemies to hang themselves, a man delcaring he's giving up women and going gay, gossiping about who's husbands are having affairs with which barmaids, a warning outside a brothel saying "the one who buggers a fire burns his penis" and even a post decrying the tedious nature of the other graffiti around it, really no different from modern day online shitposting but 2000 years ago)



and Jorah gives him a smile as he finishes the song and Tyrion memes "I would clap but..." showing him his hands and then his face drops as he looks up and sees DANY'S BLACK DRAGON FLYING OVER HEAD and he stands up gawping at it in amazement and Jorah just looks at it like yep welcome to Essos bitch as this sad music plays as if Tyrion's cynicism is starting to crack as he sees something truly wonderful and undeniably greater than him for the first time almost like a religious moment



but from behind Tyrion a... large oddly colored human figure jumps into the water and they whip around and he asks "what was that?" as A GASPING GREY FIGURE JUMPS ON THE BOAT FROM A BRIDGE AND JORAH YELLS "STONE MEN! DON'T LET THEM TOUCH YOU!"



AS HE WHACKS HIM WITH AN OAR AND THE STONE MAN GRABS IT AND STARTS SWIPING AT HIM AS ANOTHER CLIMBS ONTO THE BOAT AND TYRION GRABS A FISHING CAGE TO KEEP IT BETWEEN THEM AS JORAH STRUGGLES TO PUSH HIS GUY INTO THE WATER AND HE PULLS TYRION OUT THE WAY WHO YELLS FOR HIM TO CUT HIM FREE BUT HE'S TOO BUSY SHOVING THE SECOND ONE ONBOARD AND WHEN A THIRD CLIMBS UP



TYRION SCRAMBLES MADLY TO GET HIS TINY LEGS OVER THE BENCH AND JORAH SHOVES IT OVERBOARD BUT A FOURTH LANDS ON THE BOAT AND JORAH DRAWS HIS SWORD AND SLASHES AND RAMS IT THROUGH



BUT A FIFTH IS CRAWLING AT TYRION WHO CRIES FOR HELP AND HE HAS TO DIVE IN THE WATER TO AVOID IT AND SCRAMBLES TO GET HIS ROPES LOOSE BUT A STONE MAN GRABS HIM FROM BENEATH THE WATER AND STARTS PULLING HIM UNDER



aaaaaaaaand the screen just goes black....... and then we see Tyrion's POV as he wakes up to Jorah trying to see if he's alive on a beach and he finally cuts him lose as he complains "you're heavier than you look... did any of them touch you?" and Tyrion lies asking "you?" or maybe grabbing a boot under water is safe enough and Jorah shakes his head and Tyrion cant believe it "I've sen greyscale before... but nothing like that" and Jorah notes "I suppose that's why they send them there" I suppose this is a metaphor for leper colonies and how people were terrified to go near them not understanding wtf is going on (although depicting the characters inspired by how unfortunately people with leprosy were treated historically as mindless violent monsters is maybe not the best approach lmao) and Tyrion says "it would be kinder to put daggers in their heart and be done with it.... thank you for saving me... of coruse I wouldn't have needed saving if you hadn't have kidnapped me in the first place!" and Jorah tells him they need to walk now and if they don't find a new boat it'll be a long walk, ebin time to waste 5 episodes until they meet Dany, and Jorah looks out at this lost city infested by these freaks and he looks scared as he looks down at his wrist to reveal JORAH HAS BEEN INFECTED BY THE GREYSCALE and some crazy Predator-style furious jungle battle music plays over the credits, ok this is pretty dumb since it's like a fantasy disease we know there's a cure for from Shireen so it's just a waiting game to see if Jorah ends up with Stannis or the Red Lady or whatever although I haven't been spoiled as to Jorah's fate so maybe he ends up sacrificing himself as he's got a death sentence anyway or something





Game of Thrones 5x06: "Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken"
the sand sluts special edition
First aired: May 17, 2015

we open on Arya cleaning the body of another suicide victim and carefully clipping his fingernails and we see another one where she's cleaning someones hair and another one where she's putting a sheet over an old woman and then another and another as this becomes her daily routine but she still doesn't know where the other assistants take them away to after they're cleaned up uuugghhhh I can already guess it's to harvest their faces for disguises just it's so obvious we already know these guys can shapeshift uuuuuugggghhhh and Arya demands to know from the bitchy girl what's going on but she tells her it's not time yet and when Arya demands to play "the game of faces" the girl asks "who are you?" and Arya answers "no one" but that's not the right response so she asks the girl "who are you then?" and the girl says "I'm from Westeros, just like you, daughter of a lord, just like you" and I thought she was going to start imitating her voice or something to show the point is to take on someone else's identity but she starts telling her own sob story about being a single child but her step-mother tried to poison her so she got the faceless men to kill her and in gratitude she serves them now and Arya smiles at meeting another girl who takes revenge on those who wrong her but the girl walks up and robotically asks "was that a lie or the truth? did you believe every word I said?" and Arya realizes she was just fucking with her, probably starting it off similar to her so she'd relate to her at the start and believe the following made up bullshit, and then as Arya sleeps she hears Jaqen saying "who are you?" and wakes up to find him really there asking the question and she just tells him her real doxx not getting the point of all this so Jaqen whips her with a cane and tells her "a lie" but Arya keeps telling him the truth of her origin story and he whips her again saying "a lie" but she keeps telling him about how she left The Hound to suffer because she hated him and he keeps furiously whipping her and she demands "that's not a lie!" and he says "a girl lies to me, to the many faced gods, to herself, does she truly want to be no one?" and Arya answers "yes" and he canes her so hard she falls over and Arya screams at him "I'm not playing this stupid game anymore!" (me when I got tired of getting stuck in doorways in PUBG) but he says "we never stop playing" I guess the point of that is that our identities are basically just stories, or lies, that we tell ourselves, and the truth is there's not really any difference between other people, and once the people training to be the faceless men accept that they can freely tell themselves whatever story is needed to become at least a partially different person to take on a new identity to do undercover missions they'll never slip up on, kind of like a consensual version of what Ramsay did to Reek, which is uh dumb since people's brains literally become physiologically different from their experiences, genes and prolonged ways of thinking and even if they totally took on another persona then they'd uhhh forget they're on a mission to kill someone lul but an ok attempt at some deep theme on the human condition as self-narrative



speaking of dumb themes we see Jorah staring anxiously as the gradually worsening greyscale on his wrist and biting his lower lip nervously as Tyrion starts nagging him about finding a village but Jorah claims he can live on berries and roots as long as he wants and Tyrion starts yelling at him about how uncharming he is and Jorah just cringes "do you ever shut up?" and Tyrion tells him he hid in a crate without a word all the way here and he realizes Jorah never even asked why he was there and reveals "I killed my father, he wanted to kill me for a crime I didn't commit... and he was fucking the woman I loved" and Jorah looks at him even more awkwardly than normal and then Tyrion tells him at least his father was a good man and talks about how he met him at The Wall and all the men only had good stories about him WAIT A MINUTE LORD COMMANDER MORMONT IS JORAH'S FATHER? uh ok and then Tyrion seems to genuinely drop the news that they said "we'll never see his kind again" and Jorahs jaw drops as he stares out to sea and Tyrion apologizes for letting him know like that and Jorah demands to know how and Tyrion tells him the news he somehow knows of his father dying in a mutiny and Jorah's face drops as he learns that but then nods knowing there's nothing he can do about it out there, I guess Aemon does send crows back and fourth to the outside world a lot so that's how Tyrion knows



then Arya is scrubbing the floors when she hears coughing and sees a man..... bringing his little girl, who's sick, to the well.... and he goes over to Arya they say the meme phrases to each other and the man explains sadly he's out of options to end his daughters constant suffering and Arya just looks around super awkward seeing if there's anyone else to help so brings herself to stand goes over to the girl who cries "it hurts" and Arya smiles and says "don't be afraid, I used to be like you, I was sick, I was dying, but my father... never gave up on me... he loved me... more than anything in the world just like your father loved you so he brought me here, my father prayed to the many faced god, and I drank the water from this fountain, it healed me" and she takes the water in the cup (better watch you don't get it on your fingers lol) and she says "I dedicated my life to him now, I don't hurt anymore, drink" and offers it to the girl who sips it down as her father watches on silently and so does Jaqen, I guess this is her realizing she needs to learn to lie but is starting off using it for a nice cause of making sure this little girl dies feeling hopeful and loved, that was a pretty good scene bravo, and then later Arya has the little girls dead body to clean as Jaqen appears in the doorway looking weird and slinks away and Arya looks around confused to see he's seemingly letting her go to see where they take the bodies so she follows him down into some catacombs into a room to find THOUSANDS OF PRESERVED HUMAN FACES FROM THE MERCY KILLINGS all stored in alcoves along the great big walls and great big pillars, I'd ask how the fuck they do this but whatever it's le magic bitch, and Arya stares around in wonder as Jaqen asks if she's ready to give up everything that makes her her forever and notices her child-like fascination and sees "no, a girl is not ready to become no one... but she's ready to become someone else" as Arya stares at the face of an old lady, I'm sensing a theme here of the sort of ego death experience that a lot of spiritual paths involve where you surrender your sense of self to advance to some greater understanding except that's usually enlightenment or greater faith or peace not fucking stabbing people for money lmao



then on the road Tyrion is grilling Jorah about why he's so dedicated to Dany and he asks if he has a god or believes in destiny and Tyrion admits "no" and Jorah confesses he used to be a cynic like him until he saw Dany survive that funeral pyre holding baby dragons and tells him "you ever hear baby dragons singing? it's hard to be a cynic after that" which would be a deep theme of love as religious faith but in this world Dany really does have supernatural powers and it really is understandable to want to follow her as she's clearly got an advantage over any other leader so nice dumb fantasy universe GRRM and Tyrion warns him the Targs are infamously insane and games out that even if his dreams come true Dany has never been to Westeros in her adult life and is the daughter of a Mad King who burned innocents for amusement but before Jorah can reply he notices a slave ship and grabs Tyrion behind a rock and says "they probably came ashore for" and suddenly THEY'RE SURROUNDED BY SLAVERS DRAWING SWORDS and their leader finishes "water" ok fucking retarded, how did these six guys just teleport out of nowhere around them?



then we cut to them beating up Jorah and oh shiiit IT'S MR. EKO FROM LOST!!!!! aka Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje which I've never heard anyone pronounce right in an interview and fans just call him AAA to not have to lear how to spell his name lmao, I guess he's Tripple A like how I called the last black character Tripple X and they discuss where to sell their new slaves to deciding Jorah could go to the salt mines but Tyrion is "worthless" and they'll just "cut his throat" and Tyrion starts hollering "wait wait wait wait wait lets discuss this" ready to try to talk his way out of it but Mr. Eko adds "then chop off his cock, we'll sell it for a fortune, a dwarf's cock has magic powers" and a horrified Tyrion goes "wait wait wait wait wait" and as the blade goes to his throat his mind goes into overdrive and he blurts out "you can't just hand a dry cock to a merchant and expect him to pay for it! he has to know it came from a dwarf! and how will he know unless he sees the dwarf?" but the man with the blade to him yells "it will be a dwarf-sized cock" and Tyrion defiantly tells him "guess again!" and Mr. Eko is impressed by his vigor for life and decides "the dwarf lives until we find a cock merchant" I'd say this was retarded but in real life humans hunt entire species of animal to exctinction to harvest a body part braindead insecure ratards think will make their cock grow bigger and this is in a world without real supernatural things and they tied Tyrion back up and also Jorah who tells them "Queen Daenerys has outlawed slavery" and Mr. Eko tells him "we're bound for Volantis not Slaver's Bay, besides, she reopened the fighting pits, I've never heard of free men fighting in the pits" and Tyrion bargains with him that Jorah is one of the greatest warriors of Westeros and he could get rich taking him to Meereen but he just chuckles and says he looks 60 years old lmaooooo but Tyrion insists he's a war hero with songs written about him and he asks Jorah "that true?" and Jorah just begrudgingly shakes his head and Tyrion starts bigging him up saying he won a tournament against Jaime but Mr. Eko isn't impressed by jousting and Jorah sneers "I've killed a Dothraki death rider in single combat" much to Tyrion's relief that he's finally playing along and Mr. Eko hops out the boat and walks up to Jorah to stare him in the eye and calls "Liar" but Jorah explains who it was and dares him to take him to the fighting pits and Mr. Eko laughs as they've successfully convinced him to spare them



then in King's Landing we see CIA is back home with two bodyguards looking around awkwardly at all the sparrows and Lancel catches up with him and tells him he's given up his family name to "flood the gutters with wine, smash the false idols and set the godless on the run" and CIA can tell he's next so nervously says "well done" and goes to leave but Lancel puts his hand on his shoulder so CIA just threatens to tell Cersei he made him late and his guards put their hands on their swords as sparrows surround them and Lancel warns "step carefully Lord Baelish, you'll find there's little tolerance for flesh paddlers in the new King's Landing" and CIA gives him the "that smile white people give you when they walk past you on the street" and fires back "we both peddle fantasies Brother Lancel... mine just happen to be entertaining" and walks off trying to look hard



and in Cersei's office CIA asks if it was wise to arrest Loras but Cersei hands the blame off to The Faith but CIA knows it was on her orders and she claims it was the kings and he warns house Tyrell wont tolerate it and Cersei smirks and tells an obvious lie she doesn't even try to sell "I'm the insulted party, Ser Loras was promised to me, instead he chose the company of boys" knowing all that matters is what the public is told and CIA fires back with a huge goofy smile "one's choice of companion is a curious thing" and her face freezes and she whispers "most curious" and CIA freezes up realizing he stepped on the lions tale as it were and Cersei adds "Lysa Arryn woman for instance, a thoroughly replant woman... forgive me... you're still in mourning" smiling at him knowing he probably killed her and CIA bullshits about how she was a kind woman but Cersei calls him out but adds "still I pity her son" which is maybe true as she has a soft spot for kids but adds sarcastically she's glad he has a new father and CIA says some shit about knowing what it's like to lose your parents as a boy, he probably fucking killed them himself, but Cersei cuts him off demanding to know if the Vale that he now controls will fight for Westeros and CIA says seriously without a smirk for once realizing he's got his head in the lions mouth now that he's always told Robin to be loyal to the throne and Cersei looks satisfied she's got him cowed and CIA tells her that he's ashamed he failed to find Arya but... "I HAVE FOUND SANSA STARK alive and well and home again" and Cersei perks up because she always hated her but also thinks she helped Tyrion kill her son and he tells her of the marriage as if he didn't set it up himself and he adds Ramsay was legitimized by act of Tommen so I guess Roose's paper was not just signed by him but a letter from Tommen who's the only person who can make a bastard legally legitimate and Cersei can't believe Roose would betray their family after Tywin made him Warden of the North but CIA points out "a title he earned by stabbing his king in the heart" and warns that he now has more legitimacy to the northerners than any alliance with them ever did and Cersei declares "I will skin him and his bastard like that wretch on their bloody sigil!" and CIA tries to councel patience in simply letting Roose and Stannis battle it out and take Winterfell from whichever thief survives as soon as possible but Cersei points out that her uncle Kevan "has the courage of a kitchen mouse" and Jaime is AFK, two things CIA probably knows too well, and suggests his own forces, but Cersei whispers to him that his reputation is of a moneylender and a brothel keeper, not a military man, and he convinces her she wouldn't be risking a single Lannister soldier or a single coin from the royal treasury "what do you have to lose? a brothel keeper?" and he bargains that if he succeeds then he gets to be Warden of the North and she agrees to it as long as she gets to see Sansa Stark's head on a pike uh oooooh and CIA says coldly "as I said..... I live to serve" so that's CIA's goal, if he gets this plan working he'll have control of the Vale and the North which is bigger than any of the other kingdoms so then it's just 2 down 7 to go once he controls the most soldiers although you'd think Roose would be smart enough to figure out CIA is only doing this to turn Cersei against him but I guess he doesn't give a fuck about her and is sure his people can secure the North also it'd be dank if it turned out CIA made sure Stannis got his loan from (((The Iron Bank))) and gave him a clue that he needed to get to The Wall in time so he'd be in play to come down from the north to attack Roose but it just seems like le ebin coincidence so far



then we see Marcella having a flower put in his hair by the prince who says he'll ask his father for permission to marry her tomorrow and she wants to know if it's just a political thing but he kisses her to shut her up, so it probably is, but she tells him they can't be intimate yet, but that's not hoe they do it in Dorne, and this pretty boy assures her it's ok and dodges a question about how many other women he's taken through these gardens, and onlooking them from his wheelchair Doran is telling his big black bodyguard they need to protect them as their relationship is so dangerous and he assures him he remembers how to use his axe, then we cut to Jaime and Bronn having taken the guards outfits and horse and he's pissing Jaime off by singing a song about a Dornish man's wife and he tells him to shut up before someone hears his accent and they finally get to the watergardens and Bronn asks what the exfil plan is and Jaime says he likes to improvise and Bronn quips "that explains the golden hand" as they ride into the city, then we see uhhh whats her name uhhhhh I think I called her Elly? she's having a secret meeting with three of le Sand Snakes she bigs up with some gay saying and they all say "for Oberyn" and put their burqas up to go off to fuck up the princess and in a very fucking dumb and contrived scene by sheer coincidence both Bronn & Jaimie and the three Sand Snakes are literally searching the same garden at the same time for Myrcella and the boys find her first catching her making out and he tries to bring her away but Trystane, lol Tristin is the most white trash name out there... other than maybe cody



introduces himself as her promised and Jaime not being able to be as protective as he'd probably like to as he's just her uncle to the outside world shakes his hand, with his left hand awkwardly shaking his right lol, and Bronn does the "leave us" meme to Trystane and when he notices him noticing the blood stains on their costumes he warns him "let's not do something stupid" and mad dogs him TRYSTANE IS ALPHA AF AND DRAWS HIS SWORD BUT BRONN LUMPS HIM OUT and tells him "that was something stupid" and Jaime grabs the upset Myrcella's wrist but THE SAND SNAKES' WHIP WRAPS AROUND JAIME'S WRIST



AND PULLS HIM AWAY AND BRONN SIGHS "OH FOR FOOK'S SAKE" AS ONE OF THEM CHARGES HIM WITH TWIN DAGGERS AS THE ASIAN ONE WHIPS HER WHIP AT HIM AND OBARA STARTS SPINNING HER SPEAR AT JAIME WHO DRAWS HIS SWORD AND BACKS THE FUCK UP



AND BRONN GETS THE WHIP WRAPPED AROUND HIS CHEST AND SWINGS WILDLY AT BOTH GIRLS FIGHTING HIM PULLING THE WHIP TO PULL THE DUMB BITCH HOLDING IT TOWARDS HIM TO SWING AT HER AS JAIME STAGGERS BACKWARDS BLOCKING OBARA'S SPEAR WITH HIS SWORD AND METAL HAND HE'S REALIZED HE CAN USE TO FIGHT WITH AND BRONN MANAGES GET ONE OF THE KNIFES OFF ONE OF THE GIRLS AND KICK HER BACK BUT SHE JUST FLIPS BACK UP ONTO HER FEET



AND HER SISTER SNARES BRONN AGAIN WITH THE WHIP AND PULLS HIS SWORD AWAY AND HE GRABS IT BACK UP AND STEPS ON HER WHIP TO SWING AT HER AND THE OTHER GIRL GETS HER DAGGER BACK AND SLASHES AT HIM AND HE JUST SWORDBUTTS HER IN THE FACE AND OBARA SCREAMS "TAKE HER!" AND THE WHIPGIRL GRABS MYRCELLA PULLING A KNIFE ON HER WHEN SHE REFUSES



AND JAIME SEES HIS DAUGHTER BEING TAKEN AWAY SO HE STARTS BLOCKING HER SPEAR FASTER AND FASTER GETTING CLOSER TO HER AND BRONN TAKES A CUT TO THE ARM WHEN SUDDENLY THE BIG BLACK BODYGUARD SHOWS UP WITH DORNISH SOLDIERS TO STOP THE FIGHTING ARRESTING ALL FIVE OF THEM



and Obara angrily introduces herself insisting she's fighting for dorn but the bodyguard aint listening and the proud Obara nods to her sisters to drop their weapons and the Sand Snake holding Myrcella drops her knives to, who I think is her uhh.... soon-to-be cousin-in-law? and the bodyguard puts his axe staff weapon to Jaime's neck and states "when you were whole it would have been a good fight" and Jaime can't think of anything to say for once so just drops his sword and Bronn drops his and swaggers up to the girl with the daggers and taunts "you fight pretty good for a little girl" and the guards have to separate them as she starts screaming and throwing herself at him lmao and I guess it's pretty obvious who's behind it because guards rush in to arrest Elly, alright uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that fight scene was fucking appalling lmao, everyone was just impotently swinging at each other clearly too far away to hit each other and with the two girls Bronn was fighting particularly bad and just standing there stiff and awkward with people dropping swords and then magically having them next shot, the point of le 2 fast 4 u grrrl power assassins is they flip around and use their flexible exotic acrobatic skills to beat stronger men but they can't even get that dumb trope right, at least cast some good stunt women to be dancing about all over the place overwhelming the boys, they even have the excuse of having the (very bad) actresses faces covered to switch them out, but that was just cringy Xena Warrior Princess shit



then outside King's Landing, which is relatively small compared to the city states in Essos, Lady Tyrell's carriage is driving up and she opens up the window and cries "oh, you can smell the shit from five miles away!" lmaooooo yall niggas need to invent a proper sewer system



and then she's assuring Margaery they have no evidence against Loras and insists "if they arrested all the pillow biters in King's Landing there'd be no room left in the dungeons for anyone else!" I guess being gay is actually illegal here? or it works by the crown can arrest whoever they like and the sparrows have the crowns permission to do whatever they want including enact their homophobic policies (that we're only hearing about now since their religion is extremely underwritten and barely coherent) and she points out the hypocrisy that Renly Baratheon shagged half the stable boys in the seven kingdoms, everyone knew, no one cared and she points out "he was the king's brother" and she snaps back "and Loras is the queen's brother, no no no this is unacceptable" and she already knows it's Cersei up to it and tells her "get some rest you look appalling and let me deal with Cersei Lannister" and then as if the editor is getting bored with the episode we already cut to Cersei writing at her desk as she's finishing the line and we see granny Tyrell impatiently tapping her armrest waiting for Cersei to be done, now doing the thing her father used to do, sit there ignoring her while writing letters and Lady Tyrell calls her out "put the pen down dear we both know you're not writing anything" UH EXCUSE ME BUT THAT'S NOT A PEN, IT'S A QUILL, ANOTHER WRITING MISTAKE, GOTCHA and Cersei fires back "ah yes the famously tart-tongued Queen of Thorns" finding less and less reasons to respect the Tyrells as she's avoided Mace getting her into anymore debt with them and hoping to get an extension from (((The Iron Bank))) and Marg already being married to Tommen but Lady Tyrell fires back "and the famous tart Queen Cersei" oooooooooooh so Cersei finally stops writing and looks at her trying to hide how much she hates her and her family and granny calls her out for Loras and Cersei plays dumb claiming she's against The Faith and Lady Tyrell holds her family's troops, gold and wheat supplies over her head insisting they're putting their future in prison and when Cersei tries to act politely to her veiled threats she snaps "what veil?" and Cersei sighs deeply trying to control herself and points out their alliance brought peace and Lady Tyrell thinks for a bit and admits she didn't trust or like Tywin but she respected him and Cersei sits back in a huff that even after his death he's still behind held over her as she tries to explain he understood you can work with your rivals but Cersei tells her "house Lannister has no rival" and Lady Tyrell rolls her eyes and sinks back into her chair as Cersei tells her "the High Septon has called for an inquest, not a trial" which she assures him will fail to find Loras guilty and sends her off saying they can forget this unfortunate conversation ever happened and Lady Tyrell sighs and gives in and walks off and Cersei sits back super satisfied that she couldn't do shit about it



then we see the High Sparrow interrogating Loras who's grown a beard by now siting in a raggady nighty on a small stool as a sparrow transcribes the conversation and he's grilling him on his relationship with Renly which he just deflects and we cut to see that Lady Tyrell, Margaery, Tommen and Cersei are present with 2 kingsguard behind them and a lot of sparrow guards, how humiliating for poor Loras, and he claims he was so broken up about Renly's death just because he was his friend and king but High Sparrow points out so was Joffrey and Loras tows the party line that he was wrong to support Renly's claim but was pardoned by Joffrey for fighting for him at the Battle of the Blackwater and the High Sparrow points out "wearing Renly's armor" and Loras denies the charges against him of "fornication, buggery, blasphemy" claiming he's never laid with another man and as the sparrow writes all this down the High Sparrow dismisses Loras and when his grandma says "that's quite enough of that" High Sparrow declares "The Faith calls Queen Margaery forward" and she insists "I am the queen" expecting to never have to testify but he tells her by the law of the seven she's not exempt from a holy inquest and her grandmother just gives her a look like just get it over with so she sits on the stool and swears to the god that her brother is innocent and that's all he wants from her just to get her to perjure herself on the record but then they bring in.... the gay pimp..... and Loras bricks it and Cersei tries to hide her evil smirk as the High Sparrow gets Olyver to confess that Loras fucked him and Loras declares "he's a liar!" but Olyver says Margaery is another witness since she walked in on them once and Cersei keeps playing innocent and tells him "this testimony is an insult to a great house!" and asks why they should trust a squire over a prince and Olyver reveals his trap card: "he has a birth mark quite high on his thigh... wine-colored and roughly the shape of Dorne" and Loras can't believe he's getting Tyrion'd, with a lover using an intimite secret between them to fuck him over in court, and LORAS SCREAMS "LIAAAAAR!" AND CHARGES AT HIM but the sparrows hold him back and others stand around the Tyrell ladies as the High Sparrow tells them that they have enough evidence for a trial (think you'd check his birth mark first but ok) against Loras... and Margaery as giving false testimony to the gods is as grave a sin as any uh ooooooooooh and he orders his men to arrest her too and she calls to Tommen and the kingsguard put their hands on their swords in case it's go time but Tommen just sits there like a pathetic cuck since he wants to rule non-violently and knows there's no way out of this without a swordfight kicking off and Cersei looks at Lady Tyrell like gotcha biiiitch, I'm guessing Oly gave him up just to cut a deal and save his own ass from prosecution, although they'll probably do him too for the edge factor



then with Sansa she opens her door to find Myranda there claiming Ramsay sent her to have a bath to be nice and clean for her new husband so I guess the marriage already happened it is about to happen and then we see Myranda cleaning her hair rather forcefully in a tub advising her on how to deal with a relationship with a man with ye olde ASPD warning her that he gets bored easily, her taking this as a personal insult thinking Ramsay married Sansa because she's already bored with her, and she strains the black hairdye out of Sansa revealing her natural red hair and she warns/threatens her "you dont want to end up like...... well like the others" and Myranda pretends to change the topic sliding in the comment "nice to see the red again, no point in hiding anymore" to try to make her feel vulerable but Sansa aint falling for it and demands "what others?" and Myranda tells her about Kyra who was tall like her but talk too much until Ramsay grew tired of that and then she talks about Violet, I think the girl she seduced Ramsay with... but she got pregnant, which is boring, and then there was Tansy, who was sweet... which gets dull... "Ramsay let me come with him on that hunt" and Sansa is like "hunt?" and Myranda gets a psychotic smile and asks "you ever seen a body after the dogs have been at it? not so pretty..." Myranda is a kind of one-dimensional "le crazy jealous other woman" trope but she's sort of a good counter balance to Ramsay's more masculine brand of homicidal inclinations but Sansa didn't spend years in King's Landing for nothing and asks her name to make her feel insignificant to her and then asks "and how long have you loved him Myranda?" and turns to look her in the eyes as she asks in a mocking tone "did you imagine that he would be with you forever, is that it? and I came along and ruined it? I'm Sansa Stark of Winterfell, this is my home and you can't frighten me" and Myranda tries to contain herself from lashing out and asks "are you done with your bath m'lady?" and Sansa turns away ignoring her and saying "go, I can finish on my own" and Myranda fidgets with her cloth trying not to strangle her with it and storms out



then we see Sansa getting into her dressing gown when a knock on her door announces... Reek who asks to take her arm but she recoils "I'm not touching you" and Reek stands there whimpering and begs "please, he'll punish me" and Sansa asks "you think I care what he does to you?" and storms off still thinking he's one of the many parties to have murdered her family members but Reek looks after her seemingly more hurt that she hates him than fear of Ramsay which has maybe reached a climax after seemingly accepting he'll never be Theon again after the castle episode, uhhhh this storyline of Theon pretending he killed the Stark boys is fucking retarded as if no one else in Winterfell would notice those two boys went missing lmao I can't believe it's still cluttering up the show 3 years later and then outside in the snow at night Reek leads Sansa by lantern light, not touching her, down between two groups of guards to Roose and Ramsay and his fat wife and Reek starts regurgitating the script for giving away Sansa and asks "who comes to claim her?" and Ramsay smiles and steps forward and does his titledrops as Myranda looks away hurt and he asks "who gives her?" and Reek... answers "Theon of House Greyjoy who was.... who was her father's ward" and looks at Sansa as if he's more scared for her than himself now and Roose asks "Lady Sansa, will you take this man?" and she looks at Ramsay struggling to keep his mask of sanity on and everyone looks around awkwardly until she steps forward with a big dramatic pause decides to play it smart and says "I take this man" and Ramsay lets out a little cheeky smirk



then later Reek opens the door to let Sansa and a very smug Ramsay into his bedroom and she looks down at... their wedding bed... and Ramsay stares at her expectantly and says "my father said you were still a virgin" and she looks at Reek, not wanting to say this in front of her her adoptive brother/traitor enemy and Ramsay asks as if he doesn't really understand people at all "why? why are you still a virgin? afraid of dwarves? heh!" and Sansa says "Lord Tyrion was kind, he was gentle, he never touched me" and Ramsay doesn't get how the fuck that can happen and twitches as he tries to keep the monster inside and asks "you're not lying to me are you? lying to your husband on his wedding night that would be a bad way to start a marriage" and Reek looks at the ground as he can tell from a mile away some bad shits about to go down and Ramsay holds her face and says forced politely "we're husband and wife now, we should be honest with each other, don't you think?" and Sans forces herself to whisper "yes" as Ramsay moves in to kiss the taller girl on the lips and tells her "good....." and Sansa relaxes a bit thinking he's satisfied but he tells her softly "take off your clothes" and Reek leaves to give them some privacy but Ramsay literally does the "oh no no no" meme and RAMSAY ORDERS REEK TO STAY AND WATCH HIM FUCK HIS CHILDHOOD FRIEND LIKE SOME HENTAI CUCKOLDING SHIT EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 100



and Reek turns back almost in amazement that Ramsay has found a new way to hurt him and Ramsay starts to let his real personality show as he orders Sansa "do I have to ask a second time? hate to ask a second time" so she turns around knowing this is what she has to do for CIA's scheme to work and thus to fuck over CIA and get revenge on everyone who fucked over her family and starts undoing all her laces and Reek shuts the door and stands in the corner but Ramsay clarifies "Reek, I told you to watch" and the mortified Reek forces his eyes to raise as Ramsay tells him "you've known Sansa since she was a girl, now watch her become a woman" and she's not undressing fast enough for him so Ramsay tears the back of her dress open and bends her over the bed and Sansa tries to steel herself but cant and starts to hyperventilate in panic as Ramsay unzips



and we cut to Reek flinching away as Ramsay penetrates Sansa and she groans in pain but he forces himself to open his eyes in case Ramsay turns around and he breaks down in tears trying not to vomit AS REEK IS FORCED TO WATCH RAMSAY RAPE SANSA so chalk one up for RAMSAY BOLTON +1 SANSA STARK (MARITAL RAPE)



alright this caused a lot of booty blasting online and just like last time the retard pussy writers refused to talk about it for months but unlike the whole Cersei and Jaime debacle where the writers literally did not know they were making a rape scene it seems fans were just rustled that Sansa got raped at all since it didn't happen in the books, I think in the books the plot is CIA marries off a girl he's claiming is Arya (and in this scene he makes Reek eat her out to get her ready for him to fuck her lmao edgyyyyyyyyyyyy bravo GRRM), and that the scene focuses on Reek's reaction as if it's just to service his story which would indeed be some hack shit but tbh that's just the final shot we get a long shot of Sansa as it's about to happen and you know there'd be even more rustling if they actually showed it happening to her on screen (due to the ironic importance SJWs are also putting on her virginity while no one gave a fuck about Dany getting raped but I guess fuck all people watched it in season 1 so nevermind) but it's still very much her scene too since it serves her in showing what she's enduring to get revenge, she went in there with CIA knowing the Bolton's killed her family and are some fucked up psycho house and she'd have to one way or another consummate the marriage with a guy she'd never met before and she still said yes at the alter and tries to bare Ramsay bending her over all because this is the long game for revenge and this is kind of realism bitch other than the edgy cuckolding angle there were probably more women who were forced to have sex with a man they were married off to than women who had had consensual sexual relationships by the time of the medieval period lmao also something interesting to note is that sort of like how the Jaime/Cersei rape-scene was accidental kino initially they were just going to pan away to an empty room during this rape scene to be "respectful to Sophie Turner" who'd never done a scene like this before but the dude who plays Reek was giving such a good performance while just standing there in the corner not thinking he was being filmed that the director managed to get the camera on him but since it was set up for a wide shot of an empty room they had to zoom in on his face for a close-up in post production so bravo Alfie Allen or whatever his name is for giving an amazing performance while literally not on camera to his knowledge and un-bravo the directors and writers for not even coming up with ending it on Reek being forced to watch but thinking an empty room is the idea to go for so to summarize yes obviously it's rape you fucking moron incels since Sansa knows he'd probably fucking kill her if she tried to fight back but also if you are sensitive to topics of sexual assault you probably shouldn't watch a TV show with constsant gore and nudity where they mention rape every second line of dialog live without waiting to check it's content before hand so you don't end up like this



oh also here is a great quote I read from an interview with Iwan Rheon, the actor who plays Ramsay, when asked about this scene "I think if more people put their effort into the charities that help women in the world today deal with the horror of rape, and less effort in social media about a fantasy show, then maybe things could change." absolutely fucking based, also one more bonus meme from milo (may he rest in Gab)





Game of Thrones 5x07: "The Gift"
broken mgtow vows special edition
First aired: May 24, 2015

ok we open on Tormund, back in chains since he's such an edgy cunt he might start killing people anyway, being brought outside to a togged up horse and let loose, and Jon gives Alliser, his second in command, command while he's gone, and Alliser warns him this is a fucking dumb idea and Olly watches them standing next to a chopping axe as if he's thinking about just running over and killing Tormund himself but Jon just thanks him for his honesty and then says goodbye to Sam... who gives him the dragonglass dagger before he rides off

then on Aemon's bed the very old man is presumably not doing too well and Gilly is letting him play with lil Sam and Aemon says happily that the baby's laugh reminds him of his little brother Egg's which is the first thing he ever remembers and Sam explains to a confused Gilly that his little brother Aegon became King, who I think GRRM actually wrote more lighter spin-off novels about called like Tales of Dunk and Egg about his adventures as a young man before he went off his nut I assume or maybe that's his... son that went off his nut? idk, and Aemon claims he was a golly fellow before being king, but he gets serious and tells "Gillyflower" to take lil Sam south before it's too late

and then we see Reek carrying a tray of food and using some keys to unlock Sansa's room who's being locked in there and he puts her breakfast tray down as she lays in bed sobbing to herself and she comes to with a start when Theon closes her windows for her and she gasps "Theon, wait!" and Reek mumbles "not Theon m'lady, Reek" and she begs the man she thinks murdered her young brothers "help me" and Reek mutters "you're his wife now" and Sansa tries again "Theon" but he just stares at the bed and says "do what he says, do what he says or he'll hurt you" and Sansa cries "he already hurts me every night, all day I'm locked in this room and every night he comes..." oh I bet he does and she swallows hard and says "it cant get any worse" but Reek still staring down assures her "it can... it can always be worse" and Sansa stands up showing.... she has bruises all over her arm... and as she walks towards Reek asking "what did he do to you?" Reek yelps "please!" and starts towards the door terrified this is Ramsay's doing somehow and Sansa puts her hand against the door and screams in his face "you betrayed my family!" and Reek has to keep up the meme and begs "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" and she grabs his shirt and begs him "you have to help me Theon help me" and Reek insists "he'll see us, you don't know him!" and almost breaks down crying and fucking idiot brainlet Sansa reveals "my family still has friends in the North, all I need to do is give a signal and they'll rescue me" yeah good thing to tell the man who's clearly completely submissive to your captor really good thinking there you dumb thot and she even tells him how to do it giving him a candle and telling him to light it in the broken tower but Reek yelps "Reek! my name is Reek!" as she's inflicting extreme suffering on him knowing he'll have to either betray her to Ramsay or face the severe stress of withholding information from him but Sansa holds his shoulders and bigs him up saying "your name is Theon Greyjoy, last surviving son of Balon Greyjoy, Lord of the Iron Islands, do you hear me?" and Reek can't even make eyecontact with her until she says "Theon... promise me" and he looks her in the eyes and... nods... and then scurries out the room... uh oh then in a furious blizzard Reek walks outside... seemingly completely impervious to the biting frozen wind as he's suffered far worse pain... and he actually does walk up a towers steps.... but it's TO TALK WITH RAMSAY!!! who's having dinner and snarls "yes... Reek?" and we see Brie looking over Winterfell... with no candle being lit



and then we cut to lit candles... but with Aemon and he's muttering "eeegg... eeegg... mother's looking for you... eeeeegg..." as his mind is shutting down but at least he's happy hearing a baby mumbling and Gilly can tell from experience it's not long now and tells Sam he should get some rest as he'll have to speak for him tomorrow at a funeral but Sam insists on staying as he's always been good to him and suddenly Aemon yelps "egg!" and grabs Sam's hand and lays there saying "egg... I dreamed... that I was old...?" and dies which plays into the theme of identity they've had where his last thoughts were thinking he was a young boy talking to his little brother and his real life had just been a dream so in that moment from his point of view that experience and belief was his "real life" and then the next morning Aemon is on a funeral pyre and Sam reveals to anyone who didn't know "his name was Aemon Targaryen" and gives a speech about how great he was and that he had the blood of the dragon "and now his watch has ended" and the men repeat that as Sam sniffles and lights the pyre and hands it off to Alliser who lights another corner and passes the torch on to the other lads and Alliser takes the opportunity to whisper to Sam "you're losing all your friends Tarly" as the other men give him dodgy looks, well rip Aemon he was a really good actor but I guess maybe he was getting too old irl to keep filming so they wrote him out in a pretty sweet way



and then in Winterfell Sansa comes up to see Ramsay on the snowy wall in a hood and Ramsay looks at her completely blankly like he doesn't really care at all but then remembers to keep up appearances for politics and forces a smile and kisses the woman he rapes every night on the cheek and says "my beautiful wife, when my father said we were to be married I have expected a fat bearded beast heh" and he takes her by the hips and holds her close and tells her "do you know how pleased I was when I saw you? you make me very happy" knowing how much she hates him touching or being attracted to her and as Ramsay starts talking about Stannis being on his way Sansa... picks up a cork screw... and follows him listening to him prattle on about his army being updated with sellswords but he thinks the snow is in their favor since Northerners are used to it and he tells her one day he'll be Warden and she'll be Wardeness and she gets a conspiring look as that's her goal just not with him and she takes her chance to get under Ramsay's skin and asks "but isn't tour step-mother pregnant? what happens if she has a boy?" and Ramsay insists "I'm Lord Bolton's first son" and when he tries to point out he has a royal decree making him legitimate Sansa reminds him "by Tommen Baratheon? another bastard" he glares at her and starts breathing heavily like it's taking all his will power not to snap her neck for saying that to him and Sansa stands firm knowing that he can't hurt her too badly because he needs this political marriage to hold the North but Ramsay controls himself and insists "bastards can rise high in the world.... like your half-brother Jon Snow, now the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch" but Sansa didn't even know that and Ramsay rubs it in that he knows more about her family than she does and then... takes her to show what he called her for... "your Northern friend... Reek told me you wanted to leave" as he takes out the candle and he stats ranting "tough old bird, everyone talks when I start peeling them... but this one..." as we get close ups of a dead woman's face... a skinned foot... a skinned hand... "her heart gave out before I even got to her face, we do breed them tough in the North" as Sansa looks over the crussified body of THE OLD MAID RAMSAY SKINNED ALIVE EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 101 and he orders Reek "take my wife back to her chambers, it's far too cold out here for a lady" and gives her a kiss to a flinching horrified Sansa and he looks after her smiling like :3 as he loves nothing more than destroying peoples hope and then looks over and smiles in approval at Reek for his loyalty, I guess him saying she had a heart attack before she



then we see Stannis army suffering in the blizzard in their huge tent city as Davos rides through to the command tent and warns about the horses dying , running out of food, their supply lines being snowed in and 500 mercs called the Stormcrows abandoning them so Stannis takes their marker off his map decrying "sellswords, loyal to nothing but gold" and Davos advises him to retreat to Castle Black but Stannis insists if he retreats again he'll become the King Who Ran and reminds him of reddit's favorite meme Winter is Coming™ so it's now or never and Davos can tell he's losing it as he rants about only going forward and glances over at the Red Lady knowing it's his fault and when he leaves Stannis whines to the Red Lady he's trusted in her visions but she reassures him insisting she's foreseen the Bolton's defeat and purposefully leans over the map table so Stannis will see and caress her ass as she tells him his blood is powerful but he reminds her "we don't have Robert's bastard here" but she tells him "no... we have someone better... and your blood runs through her veins" uh ooooooh and Stannis recoils "have you lost your mind?" but she insists and Stannis mumbles "there must be another way, leaches or something..." but the Red Lady bigs him up saying it's his destiny to save the world from the dead but he backs away from her touch saying "she's my daughter, get out" and stands there in disbelief at what he's considering wew laddddddd

then we see Gilly doing some laundry when two creepers come in and start perving on her and joking about if she's really pretty or if they're just desperate and start asking her for a kiss and when she tries to ignore them they corner her but Sam comes in and draws his sword instantly and warns brother Derek and Brant but they just tease him for his hands shaking and he warns Gilly to leave but they throw her down on the ground and start daring him to fight so SAM SWINGS HIS SWORD AT DEREK BUT HE JUST GRABS HIS ARMS AND KNEES HIM IN THE STOMACH AND THROWS HIM OVER and Brant holds back a frantic Gilly as Brant calls him a "lying sack of shit, killed a White walker eh? you fat ass fuck!" and kicks him in the stomach telling Gilly "this your hero? he's a hog!" but GILLY SHOVES DEREK AWAY AND CHARGES BRANT and he grapples with her as Derek starts kicking and beating Sam in the face over and over and over again leaving his face bloody and rolling around in pain as they start trying to tear Gilly's clothes off but... SAM STILL STANDS UP AND TELLS THEM "I SAID... GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER" and they just keep trying to undress her teasing him "your lover Jon Snow's not here to save you!" and Sam starts telling them "I killed a White Walker, I killed a Thenn... I'll take my chances with you" and they let Gilly go ready to fight him but then... GHOST WALKS IN THE ROOM SNARLING AT THEM



and Derek and Brant brick it and leg it and Sam stumbles to his knees and Gilly runs to help him as he tries to pretend he's alright but then passes out toppling over now the adrenaline is wearing off, I like that even though Sam is useless he's becoming more brave since usually in these sorts of stories bravery directly translates to physical skill somehow but like Ned says you're bravest when you're scared, then later Gilly is cleaning his face and asks him to just ignore it next time to keep himself safe but he refuses joking that he would have won and wants to be a real man but Gilly explains she needs him to look after Little Sam no matter what and he insists he can protect them both and she smiles lucky that she has such a nice man but Sam pleads with her to stay as she goes to get more water as he really is fucked up but then... Gilly leans in and gives him a peck on the cheek... and then starts making out with him... and Sam just looks bewildered at her as she slowly climbs on top of him and Sam starts breathing heavily as they make out again but he winces in pain lol and in an interesting inversion of the usual losing your virginity scene she asks her man "am I hurting you?" and when he shakes his head she firmly asks "are you sure?" so she starts undoing his pants and Sam's head rolls back as GILLY SLIPS SAM INSIDE HER AND HE STARTS MOANING "OH... OH... OH MY!" welp RIP Sam's MGTOW vows, and since Jon and Pod got laid and it turned out CIA was lying about being a volcel that leaves Brie and Varys to carry the torch for the virgin army, although I guess Reek is a perma-incel now lmao



then we see Jorah and Tyrion in a chain gang being marched to the outskirts of Meereen with a slaver whipping them along, wow great job eliminating slavery Dany



and at a slave auction Mr. Eko is pitching his product to some masters bigging Jorah up as a Westerosi Knight repeating all the shit Tyrion told him and Jorah just looks around annoyed as it's probably all true but not shit he likes to be known for but then Mr. Eko notes he slaughtered 50 men with his flaming sword so I think Tyrion is actually telling him Thoros' stories and ah yes the story of killing the Dothraki has now turned to he killed Khal Drogo in single combat and claims he sold himself into slavery to repay his debts and the masters all ooh and aah at what an honerable and amazing warrior he must be and Jorah gives Tyrion a glance like this is fucking offensive but bites his tongue as they just need to get inside Meereen to see Dany and the auction starts with him being sold to a man for 20 "gold honors" and Mr. Eko immediately takes the purse and hands Jorah off to him but Tyrion realizes he might not get bought too so cries out to go with him and the master just asks "why?" and Tyrion claims "we're a team, I'm a great fighter too" and the masters just laugh at him but TYRION PULLS THE SLAVER HOLDING HIS CHAIN TO THE GROUND AND STARTS WHIPPING HIM WITH IT AND KICKING HIM AND THE SLAVER STARTS BEGGING FOR MERCY UNTIL TYRION KICKS HIM OUT COLD and the masters all laugh but then cheer him on and the master admits "alright, he's funny!" and pays Mr. Eko for him who rushes off thanking his new lord and immediately starts manipulating him telling him Meereen is now a freed city but he could avoid trouble by fighting with freed men paid a wage but the master just slaps him in the face and gives him one coin and says "here's your wage funny man, should last the rest of your life" and tosses a coin to Jorah too I guess his plan is just to lie they're free and can point to the one coin he's given them as proof but really he won't let them go



then in Dany and Daario's bed they are giggling after sex and he asks when Hizdahr is coming to take his pillow but Dany assures him they both know it's just political and absolute fuckboy Daario floats the idea that the SotH stopped killing... because their leader was made King! but Dany calls him out for just being jealous and they both laugh admitting that's exactly what Daario would do but they start making out again as he keeps pushing her not to trust him but she explains why she doesn't have a choice and Daario claims "even slaves have a choice, death or slavery" and asks her to marry him instead but she says she can't and he tells her "then you're the only person in Meereen who's not free" and she sits up getting all anxious now and fuckboy Daario won't stop pushing and advises her... to slaughter all the masters at the great games, but Dany insists "I am a Queen, not a butcher" but he tells her "all rulers are either butchers or meat" edgyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

and speaking of which we see the Sept and Lady Tyrell is asking a man in robes "where can I find the High Sparrow or High Speton or whatever bloody fool name he has now?" and the High Sparrow turns around revealing himself quipping "it's not as good a name as Queen of Thorns I'll admit" and she tells him "you should have the decency to stand when speaking to a lady" and he fires back "you should have the decency to kneel before the gods" it's like pottery it rhymes and she snaps at him "don't spar with me little fellow!" and the old man groans as he stands saying "for me it's the kneees, for you?" and she admits "hips" as he instantly finds a way to connect with her over their old age and she asks frankly "a man of the people, is that your game? it's an old game, dull and unconvincing, a man of the people who does Cersei's dirty work for her?" and when the High Sparrow dodges saying "the people always do the dirty work" she snaps "spare me the homilies I can smell a fraud from a mile away" ooooooh go off queen and he reminds her "your grandson and granddaughter swore sacred vows... and lied... The Father judges us all" and walks off and she tells him "don't you walk away from me" and he tells her without even turning around "you don't give commands here Lady Olenna" and she calls "what is it you want? gold? I'll make you the richest septon who ever lived" and she the High Septon chuckles and "reveals" his true character "I imagine this is strange for you, everyone you meet has a hidden motive and you pride yourself on sniffing it out, but I'm telling you a simple truth, I serve the gods, the gods demand justice" and Lady Tyrell starts shivering a bit as she's faced with someone she can't manipulate for once and she tries "how do they communicate their demands? by raven or horse?" and he claims "by the holy text: The Seven-Pointed Star, if you don't have one in your library I'll give you one of my own" and she mocks "I've read "The Seven-Pointed Star"!" and he reminds her "then you'll remember the passages concerning buggery and perjury, your grandhcildren will be punished in the same manner as anyone else who breaks the sacred laws" and she snaps "half the men, women and children in this foul city break the sacred laws, you live among murderers, thieves and rapists! and yet you punish Loras for shagging some perfumed ponce and Margaery for defending her brother?" and he just says "yes........ the God's laws must be applied to all equally" and Lady Tyrell threatens "if it's equality you want so be it, when House Tyrell stops sending our crops to the capital everyone here will starve and I'll make sure the huungry know who's to blame" and he just chuckles and asks "have you ever sowed a field Lady Olenna? have you ever reaped the grain? has anyone in House Tyrell? a lifetime of wealth and power has left you blind in one eye, you are the few, we are the many, and when the many stop fearing the few... *heh*" ok calm down Bernie Sanders and she looks off after him worried that she's met her match and then outside the Sept that's still covered by the homeless and sparrows she looks around nervously as she only has two guards when a messenger hands her a letter and she notices... CIA's seal



then with Cersei she's worrying about Tommen who's so anxious he can't eat as "she's in a prison cell and there is nothing I can do! I am the king! the queen is in prison and there is NOTHING I CAN DO!" as he's starting to become a big Joffrey like which scares his mother (just order your men to free her lmao) and she takes his hands and tells from her own experience him no matter who you are you'll find circumstances beyond your control and you can't blame yourself as she couldn't protect his father, his brother or his grandfather and Tommen yells "I'll call in my army, take back the Sept and kill every last one of them! I'll start a war if I have to!" now we're talking but Cersei reminds him "you know as well as I do who the first casualty of that war would be" and he starts whining "I love her... I love her... I can't help her" hmmmmm Cersei it's almost like giving unchecked power to religious extremists was a bad idea and she tells him not to give into despair and he says he'll talk to the High Sparrow but Cersei promises to do it for him as "your happiness is all I want in this world" when he looks surprised but he tries to tell her "I know" and she tears up and says "no you don't... you can't possibly" since she can tell he already resents her a bit and doesn't know half the nasty shit she's done to protect her children and she tells him "not until you have children of your own, I would do anything for you, anything to keep you from harm, I would burn cities to the ground, you are all that matters, you and your sister, the moment you came into this world... my boy... my only boy" and she pulls the crying Tommen to his feat and hugs him in genuine love as she starts crying too >tfw no Cersei mommy



but speaking of her actual other boy Jaime is being kept in a very fancy locked room when the big black bodyguard (Triple B I'll call him since all black characters need meme names since I'm racist) comes in with Myrcella telling him "Prince Doran hopes this satisfies your concerns about the princesses well being" and walks off not locking the door and they have an awkward conversation between father and daughter/uncle and niece and who barely know each other and he tries to explain her mother is concerned as there have been threats made against her but she insists this has been her home for years and she thought she was doing what her mother wanted being there and insists quite bitchily, probably taking after her mother and being allowed to do whatever she wants down here, that she's marrying Trystane and staying there and when Jaime says "I don't understand" she snaps "of course you don't you don't know me" and storms out

then in Bronn's far less nice shitty little cell he's singing a song to himself... to piss off the three Sand Snakes who are being held in the cell opposite his, and the hispanic looking one claps and compliments his voice and the east asian one sneers if he was as good a fighter they'd be in trouble as Obara, the uhhh bitch looking one, sneers at them, I like how they're all mixed race of different ethnicity to show that Oberyn was knocking up women from around the planet and then doing a runner lmao and Bronn claims "it's against my code to hurt a woman" and Obara mocks "it's amazing how many men we beat seem to have this code" yeah not to go on an incel rant and I understand why it's culturally not acceptable for a man to fight a woman but when you're in the Real Shit™ who gives a fuck what sex someone is who's trying to kill you like in Suicide Squad where Deadshot inists he doesn't kill women despite out of the top four most dangerous people he knows three of them are women who have all threatened his life at some point lmao and Bronn claims "I wouldn't say you beat me" and the more friendly one chirps "how's your arm?" and he just laughs it off and Obara threatens he's not leaving here alive and he jokes about wanting to stay for the women and when the qt one says "thank you :3" he fires back "I said Dornish women, I didn't say you" calling her out on being foreign and a bitch and since her act seems to be acting all flirty to manipulate brainlet men she stands up to the bars and asks "I'm not the most beautiful woman you've ever seen?" and her two sisters roll their eyes at each other she's trying her usual bs and Bronn brags she's nothing to him and she dares "name one more beautiful than I am" and Brann starts to talk about someone in KL but SHE TAKES OUT ONE OF HER TITS and he trails off staring at her as she teases "there was a what?" and Bronn goes up to the bars to stare at her titties as she starts revealing her thigh as she starts undoing her dress and SHE FLASHES HER PUSSY and asks how his head is doing and he mutters "my head... my head... you don't even know what's going on..." and he starts breathing heavily and falls against the wall and she points outs "your nose is bleeding" and her two sisters come forward as she tells him "my dagger was coated with a special ointment from Asshai... they call it the Long Farewell... it takes time to work... but if a single drop makes contact with the skin... death" and Bronn starts panting as she takes a bead off her necklace and taunts "the only antidote" and he reaches out for it and she asks again "who's the most beautiful woman in the world?" and he struggles to say "you..." but she taunts "sorry what?" and he forces out "you!" as she tosses him the cure and he downs it frantically and she teases "I think you're very hansom as well" as she does up her dress, ok now while that was some hot femdom action it was a bit weird since I presume the gag is she made the poison hit faster by speeding up his heart rate by arousing him which would be a good gag if it was like to kill a guard they had limited time to take out from behind the bars but why even give him the cure it'd clearly be to their advantage to let him die so fun idea but poor deployment of it and honestly Bronn is kind of a dumb comedic relief character that's become a bit flanderized from how immoral he was in the previous seasons at this stage and it would have made more sense to kill him off here like she doesn't give him the antidote and then Jaime has another grievance with them



then we see CIA spying through his old spyhole in his old brothel and seeing one of the rooms has the heptagram painted on the wall and he walks around his brothel seeing it smashed to shit so he goes to meet with Lady Tyrell in another room looking at the heptagram and he says "I'm sorry about the locale" but she instantly cuts the shit "no you're not" but he keeps lying "it felt like the safest place" and she snaps back "not for your clientele clearly" looking at all the carnage and CIA laments how great his brothel was and granny points out his narcissism but CIA says the future is all that matters and granny snaps "don't pretend to care about my house, my grandhcildren or me, I should have known you'd return to the capital as soon as things started to go wrong" and when he tries to talk some bullshit but she cuts him off "let me assure you that our fates are intertwined, we murdered a king together, if my house should fall, I will have nothing to hide" I guess making it clear that CIA had the fool give Sansa the necklace and maybe when Lady Tyrell was talking to her she slipped it off of her with slight of hand and someone got it into Joffrey's cup and when she sees him maddogging her she adds "and if I should meet with some accident here at your broken little flesh market they'll never even find what's left of you" which just makes CIA smile as he loves a good rivalry and she goes "so... do you deny any part in this?" which so far he seems not to have and it's all just Cersei's fault although wouldn't surprise me if it was Varys who's clearly burnt his alliance with the Lannister's and needs them taken out for Dany and CIA claims innocence telling her he had to give up something to Cersei but still withheld something from her and offers her "a hansom young man" as a gift which is the same gift he gave Cersei, not sure what he's on about there, maybe he handed over Gentry to her or something



and then we see in the fighting pit waiting room a man putting a weird cage around his arm to use as a weapon and men shaking with nerves and Jorah is just cleaning his sword sitting next to a terrified Tyrion as their master tells them most of them will die this afternoon but if they win they'll fight at the Great Pit of Daznak in front of the Queen and taunts them that today is the day their lives finally mean something and he selects the men he wants to fight which is basically all of them... excluding Jorah and Tyrion, who just sit there counting their blessings but brainlet Jorah starts to get a few dumb ideas in his head but little do they know Dany and Hizzy are attending this fight too, I know it's a dumb trope but I really like any sort of fight to the death game ranging from gladiatorial combat that happened in real life and more over the top Hunger Games shit it's just inherently compelling to make a sport out of fighting for your life, Fortnite rules is what I'm getting at and when the master sees Dany he nervously whispers to his slaves to stand straight for the fucking queen as he gets all anxious to lose in front of her and he claps for his slaves to announce "we fight and die for your glory o glorious queen!" and when Jorah hears that he rushes to the window and spots Dany and his heart swells with love as the crowd cheers on as all the men fight their sparring partners and A MAN GRABS ANOTHERS WRIST AND STABS HIM AND SLITS HIS THROAT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE as Dany watches in disgust and horror and can barely watch as A MAN IS WHACKED IN THE BACK WITH A MACE AND ANOTHER DISARMED MAN IS CUT DOWN and Dany goes to leave saying "I've seen enough" but Hizzy insists she stay and she says "I've sacrificed enough for your traditions" as a bleeding man is dragged around in the background



and when Jorah sees she's about to leave he rushes to put on a helmet and runs to the gate as Tyrion sits there still in chains and JORAH MARCHES OUT INTO THE ARENA AND SWORDBUTTS HIS MASTER WHEN HE TRIES TO STOP HIM AND AS THE TOP FIGHTER IS SMASHING A MAN IN THE FACE WITH A ROCK JORAH KICKS HIM IN THE HEAD AND BACKHANDS HIM OUT COLD, GRABS ANOTHER FIGHTER FROM BEHIND AND KNOCKS HIM OUT WITH HIS SWORD HANDLE, EFFORTLESSLY BLOCKS ANOTHER FIGHTERS SWORD AND BREAKS HIS ARM and Dany looks impressed he's winning non-lethally and all the other fighters rush to the windows to watch and Tyrion tries to saw his chain loose with a blade he seems to have hidden on him and JORAH FIGHTS THE DUDE WITH THE CAGE ON HIS ARM AND WINGING A BALL AND CHAIN SO HE JUST TOSSES HIS SWORD AT HIM TO SCARE HIM, GRABS A SHIELD TO DEFLECT THE BALL AND SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE BUT THE DUDE WITH THE MACE CHARGES HIM SO JORAH SIMPLY GRABS HIM, TAKES HIS HELMET OFF AND SLAMS HIM IN THE HEAD WITH IT



and a big guy for him, you and me catches Tyrion who looks like he's having one last furious wank



sawing at his chains and he swings his sword down at him and when Tyrion flinches away he finds... the man has cut his chain loose and he nods his thanks to him and the man nods his respect for this little man who's somehow survived here and outside Jorah walks up to the crowd and he takes his helmet off revealing himself to Dany who....... orders "get him out of my sight" fucking whoooooooooore and as the guards drag him off he yells "I brought you a gift!" and Tyrion walks out saying "it's true! he has" and she asks "who are you?" and he holds up his chained hands and says "I am the gift, it's a pleasure to meet you Your Grace, my name is Tyrion Lannister" and Dany stares in confusion at them both

then inside the Sept Cersei is walking through with some guards to... Margaery's cell who's being kept in shitty conditions wearing only raggedy clothes chained by the ankle and her hair looking terrible and Cersei gasps "this is horrible, unacceptable.... are they feeding you enough at least? I brought you this, venison.... its quite good" and gives her a cunty smile as she's taunting her with a tiny taste of the privilege she can't have anymore and barely tries to pretend she's trying to help and Marg tells her "I know you did this... lies come easy to you, everyone knows that, but innocence, decency, concern, you're not very good at those I'm afraid, perhaps that's why your son was so eager to cast you aside for me" and Cersei looks like ooooh bitch don't push me and taunts "you're upset, you're not thinking clearly" and taunts her for turning down her visits saying men go mad down here but reminds her her isolation will end when her trial begins and Marg just growls "leave" and Cersei taunts "yes I must I'm afraid my son needs me now more than ever" rubbing it in that she's taken Tommen back from her and MARG THROWS THE VENISON AT HER SCREAMING "GET OUT YOU HATEFUL BITCH!" and Cersei just stands there smiling smugly at her soaking in the suffering her rival is in and whispers "sleep well sister" at her reminding her of their first private talk and walks off very happy with herself



and next she goes to meet the High Sparrow to discuss the Tyrell children's trial and how seven septons will be their judges, one of them being him, and Cersei asks what happens if they confesses before the trial, and he says it depends on the severity of the confessions, and she tells him some bullshit about how he's doing the right thing to do justice by the seven and he just smiles at her as he knows she has zero faith and is fucking him about for her own ends and he tells her "did you know the chapel is one of the oldest structures in King's Landing?" and tells her that his alter there has no known builder as they "didn't inflict their vanity on those who came after them" trying to teach her a lesson about how you could take away all the fancy shit in the sept and you'd be left with something solid and true and that's what should happen to the Tyrells, having everything fancy taken away so everyone can see what they're really like, and Cersei smile at the sound of that, but he adds "what shall we fine when we strip away your finery?" and tells her of a young man that came to him lately, presumably sent by CIA and ah... he's talking about Lancel I think, no wait, it was probably Olyver that CIA put up to snitching on Loras and that was his gift of "a young man" to Cersei he was talking about, but maybe his gift to Lady Tyrelle was giving Lancel to the High Sparrow so he'd grass up Cersei's sins, and he tells her that this young man unburdened himself so much that he's so light he can float through the seven heavens like a bird, and Cersei tries to keep her game face on when suddenly she hears a door open behind her... and Lancel comes out with his forehead carving... and she realizes this ain't ending well and goes to leave but this nun stops her and Cersei screams "ORDER HER TO LET ME GO! I AM THE QUEEN! I AM THE QUEEN! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?" AND THE SEPTA THROWS CERSEI IN HER OWN CELL and she orders the Septa "look at me! look at my face! it's the last thing you'll see before you die" and the septa just slams the door shut oh shit boiiiiiiii to be honest this is fucking dumb since for the first four seasons like 10 different factions were vying for control over the throne but now the High Sparrow makes everyone remember they actually have a religion and has complete control over the capital within like a month, absolutely epic writing





Game of Thrones 5x08: "Hardhome"
Left 4 Dead special edition
First aired: May 31, 2015

in Dany's throne room there is an extremely awkward silence where Jorah and Tyrion stand before her and when cuckboi tries to speak up she says "you will not speak" lmao cuckkkkkk and she asks Tyrion why she shouldn't kill him and he points out if she wants revenge on the Lannister's he pretty much killed his mother, killed his father and leaves out that hes thought to have killed his nephew the king and Dany drolls "so I should welcome you into my services because you murdered members of your own family?" and Tyrion plays coy saying he's not sure he wants to be in her service so she deadpans "if you want to go back to the fighting pits just say the word" and Tyrion tells a story he heard of a baby girl born during a storm with nothing to survive on but a family name and was moved from place to place mere hours ahead of assassins and everyone thought that was that when she got married off to a warlord on the other end of the world but then "the most well-informed person I knew told me that this girl without wealth, lands or armies had somehow squired all three in a very short span of time along with three dragons" AH YES VERY CONVENIENT ISNT IT TYRION VERY CONVINIENT INDEEEEEEED and Tyrion finishes "he thought she was our best, last chance, to build a better world... thought you were worth meeting at least" and Dany asks what he has to offer and he points out no-one understands Westeros like him he did good as the King's Hand considering that king liked torturing animals than leading his people, I guess Joffrey did mention going hunting so I guess he liked to fuck up the animals and that's what people are talking about, and Dany tests Tyrion by asking what his advise on dealing with Jorah, a man she swore she would kill if he ever returned, and Jorah eyes Tyrion hoping he doesn't throw him under the bus but Tyrion explains Ser Jorah is no longer the man he was when he started informing on her and is truly dedicated to her... "and yet he did betray you" and Tyrion steps forward and the Unsullied perk up but Dany lets him and they discuss how Jorah never confessed his betrayal until forced to do so and Tyrion points out even if he loved her he didn't trust her with the truth and Dany asks "so I should kill him?" as her eyes light up since she's so edgy but Tyrion points out killing those devoted to her doesn't inspire devotion... but she also can't have Jorah by her side, so she orders Jorah removed from the city again, and Tyrion looks back regretfully knowing he'll hate him but it's for the best since it was probably the only way to talk Dany out of mercing him, and Jorah looks down at the greyscale spreading on his forearm and looks back at the city like he's about to do some dumb shit since he's gonna die anyway



then in KL the septa comes into Cersei's cell who has been left in rags and her hair is all shitty and the septa gives her a ladle of water and orders "confess" and she goes to take the water and asks "my son" but the septa slaps her with the ladle and tells her again "confess" and Cersei snarls "I meant it, my face will be the last thing you see-" and the septa slaps her again and leaves not even letting her drink and Cersei breaks down crying and screaming

and then we cut to Arya saying "my name is Alana and I'm an orphan" and tells a sob story about growing up to sell oysters in a soft little girl voice and then we see her going through the town with a cart full of oysters smiling pleasently to people trying to inhabit the role as her voice over talks about her daily routine but she gets it wrong and Jaqen suddenly gives her a little slap with the stick and she corrects herself with the right directions and he approves of her progress in bullshiting skills and [b]I guess now we understand why he talks like Big Shaq[b] it's because he considers everyone including himself from a third person prespective and it suddenly makes sense when they're talking about what a girl will do because Arya is completely becoming this girl who's life they are making up as a cover story which seems like a massive waste of time in a place where only word of mouth was used to track people but ok and she asks what "a girl" will do to serve but Jaqen tells her she has to see for herself and down at the docks again Arya sees a little boy and tries not to think of her little brothers as she shouts out selling her "OYSTERS CLAMS AND CUCKOLDS" no wait cockles and she watches a money lender or something taking inventory who asks her if she's got fresh oysters and she promises best in the city and cuts one open with a knife for him to sample and he likes it so buys four with vinegar and another man comes to give a payment and I guess this dude is an insurance seller or something as the man is begging for something saying he has three kids to pay for and he's had 18 voyages without a scratch but the old man looks at his papers and says he cant do it as the man shoves his money on him but the old mans guards drag him away and Arya gets the hint that this uncharitable man is her target and I guess later Jaqen is explaining to her "the man is a gambler, he gambles if a sailors ship will make it to its destination, it is a strange wager for the captain, he only wins if he loses his life" and Arya figures out it's ye olde life insurance (which there is literally nothing wrong with) but ah Jaqen explains that the gambler somtimes loses his bet and doesn't pay out to the women and children who can't do anything to him OY VEEEEY GOYIM MY SHEKELS NOW and he asks "to whom can they turn for recourse?" and she looks at a praying man and answers "the many-faced god" figuring one of this man's victims has come there for help (you'd think if it was well known what goes on in there that the various powerful people would have an issue with this vigilante establishment and, you know, fucking kill them all) and Jaqen tells her a girl Lanna will go to the docks, learn more about the man than she knows about her self and then give the thin man... a gift, handing over some poison, and Arya walks away smiling that she finally has her first kill mission and the bitchy other girl warns Jaqen she's not ready and he just says "it is all the same to the many-faced god" reminds me of death clerics in DnD where they are not so much evil characters but neutrally in service of death which can be either putting people out of their misery, killing people who are surviving death by supernatural means, killing people who are unnaturally killing too many people or killing people who are unnaturally saving too many people as death is the great balancer



then in Cersei's cell Qyburn visits her (they have very lack security in these days, like Tyrion got visited by several different people Cersei could have gotten to kill him or something, for all they know he's going to give Cersei a suicide capsule or something) and he explains she's going to be put on trial for "fornication, treason, incest, the murder of King Robert" and she responds "all lies" and Qyburn condescendingly says "of course Your Grace" knowing she needs him but he warns the Faith doesn't have the same standards of proof as the Crown and tips his fedora with "belief is so often the death of reason" and Cersei deadpans "I wish you'd said it sooner" and asks of Jaime but there's no word from him and Cersei touches the ground as if she needs to comfort something and he tells her that Pycelle has summoned Kevan back to be Hand of the King and she demands to speak to him but he tells her he's already refused and she asked about Tommen and he tells her he's not taken her or his wife's arrests well and doesn't leave his chambers and leaves his food untouched LMAO TOMMEN IS BECOMING AN ANOREXIC NEET and Cersei begs Qyburn to get Tommen to see her but he says he wont talk to anyone what a fucking beta JUST ORDER YOUR PERSONAL BODYGUARDS, YOUR FAMILY'S ARMY OR THE CITY GUARDS TO GET TAKE BACK CONTROL FROM THE FAITHCUCKS and Cersei whispers that she can't stay there and Qyburn suggests he knows a way out, I thought it was gonna be suicide and he's been sent to trick her into taking her own life, but she realizes he means confess but she refuses to kneel before a barefoot commoner and beg his forgiveness and the septa comes in and Qyburn bids her farewell and his last words are "the work continues" as he leaves hmmmmm maybe he'll send The Zombie Mountain to bust her out or something



then we see pathetic cucklord Reek being made to deliver Sansa some soul and she demands to know "why? why Theon?" and Reek insists "there is no Theon" so Sansa, hating him again, just asks "why did you tell him Reek?" and he explains "I was helping you, you wanted to escape, there is no escape, not ever, Theon Greyjoy tried to escape, the master knew, he knows everything, he hunted him and caught him and strapped him to a cross and cut away piece after piece until there was no Theon left" and Sansa just says "good... if it weren't you I'd still have a family, if I could do what Ramsay did to you right here right now I would" oh Sansa don't make me waifu you and Reek barely reacts as if there's not much left that can hurt him and says "I deserved everything.... I deserve to be Reek... I did terrible things... turned on Robb... captured Winterfell... killed those boys" I guess implying Ramsay's conditioning took so well because he already hated being Theon and had nothing to go back to anyway so was already waiting to be remade and Sansa snaps "they weren't "those boys"! they were Bran and Rickon! they were your brothers! you've known them from when they were born!" and Reek slips up saying "they weren't they were only-" and Sansa catches him "only what?" and he freaks out staring at the ground literally like The Virgin Walk meme and he stammers "I cant tell you not unless the master says" but Sansa yells at him to spill the tea and snarls at him "tell me why Bran and Rickon should be gone while you still breathe the air tell me to my face Theon that they weren't your brothers!" and grabs his head and forces him to look up and a little but of Theon slips out as he makes eyecontact with her "they weren't Bran and Rickon! I couldn't find them......... it was two farm boys........ I killed them and burned them so no one would know........" and hands his head in shame, but Theon's shame, and Sansa realizes there's still hope for her family and asks "do you know where they went, Bran and Rickon?" yeah where tf are Rickon and Osha and Reek comes back and freaks out saying "I can't talk to you anymore! not Theon! Reek!" and rushes off leaving a stunned Sansa



then in Roose's war room his generals are warning him that while Stannis might only have 6K half of them are mounted but Roose ain't worried as they have food for six months and can wait for them to freeze, starve and mutiny in the castle but he notes Ramsay staring at him cheekily and he says "I think you're missing an opportunity to teach the people of the North how House Bolton treats southern invaders" and recommends hitting hard and fast and Roose tests him "a smart commander does not abandon a defensive advantage" and points out the snow's too deep for an army to get to them but Ramsay immediately states "I don't need an army... I need 20 good men" as the camera dramatically zooms in on him uhhh right



then Dany is having tea with Tyrion as they discuss his future with him telling her his father would have killed him and she turns it back on him asking about his father and Tyrion points out it's already known his fathers thoughts on killing him lol and she asks if that's why he merced him and Tyrion teases her with the answer saying he'll need more wine and Dany says "I know the Mad King earned his name" talking about her father directly for the first time in 5 fucking seasons and Tyrion says "well here we sit, two terrible children of two terrible parents" which Dany takes offence to but Tyrion says she might be the right kind to keep her people being more terrible and compliments her decisions to re-open the fighting pits and marry someone she hates for the greater good and talks about Cersei hating her husband and how she had him killed, revealing he knew all along about what Cersei got Lancel to do, and Dany quips about "let's hope it doesn't come to that", and Tyrion tells her it was Varys who put him onto her and she says that it was Varys hunting her for 20 years and Tyrion defends "he did what he had to do to survive" and assure her he's the only reason those assassinations weren't successful and Tyrion says he's the only person other than Jaime he trusts and Dany asks "the brother who killed my father?" and Tyrion pours another drink as he confirms and Dany jokes about having him killed anyway as if the dumb bitch doesn't think her father deserved it and Tyrion tells her "I'd given up on life until Varys convinced me you might be worth living for if you chop off my head, well, my final days were interesting" and Dany realizes "I'm not going to kill you" and hires him as her adviser but takes his wine off of him as she needs him sober and his first bit of advise is to want something else other than the Iron Throne but she snaps "if I want jokes I'll get myself a proper fool" and Tyrion tries to explain there's more in the world than Westeros and maybe she belongs freeing people in Essos and Dany says she can do both but Tyrion games out that it didn't go too well here only having the support of the common people and breaks the news that House Targ is gone, so are the Starks, what's left of Lannister won't ever back her nor Stannis who needs people thinking she's illegitimate which leaves the Tyrells who is possible but not enough (ultra lis at him leaving out the Greyjoys as they're so useless and I guess the Bolton's are too psycho to even consider) and Dany gives an edgy speech about how all these houses are just spokes on a wheel getting ontop of each other over and over again crushing everything underneath but he warns her she cant stop the wheel but she insists "I'm going to break the wheel" very edgy and wont leave a power vacuum that will destroy the continent or anything



then we see master training his fighting slaves when Jorah walks up and he bricks it thinking this dude's come for revenge but he flicks him his coin back and says "you said whoever wins will fight at the Great Pit in front of the queen... I won" and the master snaps "you struck me" and Jorah shrugs "have me flogged if it makes you happy but I'm the best you've got, if I win at the Great Pit, how much can you sell me for?" and the master doesn't understand "you're a free man, you could have gone anywhere... why did you come back?" and Jorah steps forward with the mans guard tensing up and Jorah just says "let me fight for her and I belong to you" OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT A BETA ORBITER, HE'S LITERALLY ENSLAVING HIMSELF FOR HIS ONEITIS



then back in Cersis' cell the septa is tempting her with water again to confess and Cersei mutters "I'll get out of here you realize, before long" and she tries to bribe her and offers her being a lady of the court but the septa just keeps saying "confess" so Cersei switches to "or I can make sure you die in the most hideous way imaginable and all I do is sit here imagining hideous ways for you to die" and the septa simply pours out the water while smirking down at her and leaves leaving Cersei to pathetically slip the water off the muddy ground showing she'll do anything to survive I wish I was Cersei's secret isekai lover so I could tell her so many fun interesting ways to torture someone to death I'd tell her the legends of my homeland such as the holocaust and unit 731



then with Gilly and Sam she's treating his beating wounds again and he awkwardly asks her "how are you?" and when she jokes it off he says more confidently now "you know what I mean" and she admits to being a little scared but I'm sure she's used to being raped by now (although like Shae said in season 1 it's a bit of a retarded story for a woman to almost get raped and then jump into bed with her own savoir, but the writing has gotten so bad they are unironically doing the fiction trope they were making fun of before) and then there's a knock on the door and Sam grabs a knife but it's just Olly and Sam tries to tell him what happened was no big deal but Olly's a real enough nigga by now to know he's just trying to be nice and he's brought him some breakfast and does the polite version of the "leave us meme" so Gilly goes to check on the babby and Olly talks to Sam about Jon going to save wildlings who killed his people and Sam tries to explain they're at war but Olly reminds him his people were only farmers and Sam tries to explain again there's good and bad wildlings but Olly reminds him Tormund was the one who raided his village and Sam tells him "I've seen the White Walkers, and they're coming for us, for all the living, and when it's time... we'll need every last man we can find" but Olly doesn't trust letting the wildlings through and Sam reasons to the scowling boy that they'd be dead either way and explains a real man has to make tough choices that you know are right even though no one else understands and Olly seems to get what he's saying and asks "you believe that?" and Sam says "with all my heart" and he thinks about if he should trust Sam or be disappointed in him too and Sam assures him to trust Jon, he's known him for years and he always comes back from his crazy adventures

speaking of whomst we cut to Jon and Tormund in rowing boats coming from Stannis' huge fleet to a massive gathering of Wildlings filling up a tiny village waiting for evacuation like some Dunkirk shit except not shit and underpopulated like Nolan's movie



and Jon steps to ground with all these Eskimo looking guys and Tormund asks "you trust me Jon Snow?" and he asks "that make me a fool?" and Tormund sighs "we're fools together now" and goes to speak to the Lord of Bones we haven't seen since season 2 and he asks if Tormund is his prisoner now and mocks his men for being defeated by Stannis and Tormund ignores the bait and asks for time with his elders and Jon clarifies that they're allies now and the Bone Lord snaps "you fucking traitor! you fight for the crows now?" as the thousands of his men that surround them tense up and Tormund being an absolute mad lad squares up to him and but the Bone Lord asks "do you get down on your knees and suck his cock?" so TORMUND GRABS HIS STAFF FROM HIM, HITS HIM IN THE THROAT WITH ITS POINT, SMASHES HIM DOWN WITH THE HANDLE AND STARTS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF THE BONE LORDS BACK AS HE CURLS UP ON THE GROUND YELPING AND ORDERS HIS MEN "GATHER THE ELDERS AND WE'LL TALK"



leaving the Bone Lord at least knocked out on the ground and maybe dead since there were some crunching sound effects oh shit, then in a big wooden meeting hall Jon introduces himself to the elders (who all convincingly speak English lmao) and acknowledges they're not friends and won't become friends today but this is about them putting a 700 foot wall between themselves and what's out there and there's a giant in there with them who's huffing away maybe trying to restrain themselves if they heard about the two that fell at The Wall and a wildling calls him out for not caring about them but Jon explains the White Walkers don't care if you're a crow or a free folk and this qt Eskimo girl says they can only run from the White Walkers but Jon hands over his bag showing her the dragonglass dagger and explains what they can do and promises to share these weapons, I guess from the sound effects and lines there are several dragonglass daggers Sam brought back, and he offers them to settle south of The Wall assuring them he knew Mance and he didn't want war for them but just peace and they'll give it to them as long as they team-up and when a leader asks what happened to Mance Jon gets awkward and admits "I put an arrow through his heart" and everyone freaks out and an elder suggests cutting Jon's eyes out but Tormund explains to them that Jon defied a cunt King's orders to save him from burning alive and they need that kind of courage to survive this shit and an elder woman who's actually young and hot says she lost half her family fighting the crows and Jon says he lost 50 brothers fighting Mance but they need to do this for their children right now and he warns them "no clan can stop them, the free folk can't stop them, the Night's Watch can't stop them and all the southern kings can't stop them... only together, all of us, and even then it might not be enough, but at least we'll give the fuckers a fight!" and the wildlings all stare at him like yeah maybe this guy is the protagonist after all



and the hot Eskimo chick asks Tormund if he vouches and he growls "he's prettier than both my daughters, but he knows how to fight, he's young, but he knows how to lead" and tells them they need each other and another leader says his ancestors would spit on him but the hot chick says "so would mine, but fuck em they're dead" and she walks up to Jon and says she'll never trust the crows but she trusts Tormund so agrees and another elder agrees if they stay there they're dead men and the giant growls down "Tormund" and a Thenn looking dude growls tells him to fuck off and warns Tormund they'll slit all their throats as soon as they get on the boats (even though there's thousands of them and literally 10 crows but ok duuuuuude) and storms out in a huff and the Eskimo lady tells Tormund "I fucking hate Thenns" and then outside the 5000 who are coming are getting on rowboats to evacuate and Jon whines about leaving too many behind but Tormund says they're stubborn folk and tells him it took Mance 20 fucking years to band them together but they're running out of food so will have to come around eventually (well... maybe the Thenn's don't have to worry about running out of food) and then the cute Eskimo woman puts her two daughters on the boat who are scared to leave without her but she sends them off saying she needs to put the old people on next, then inside the hall a giant is examining the dragonglass as the wildlings pack up the other daggers they were given and Jon's one remaining mate looks up at him and he growls down "the fuck you looking at?" in the Old Tongue™ according to the subtitles over the hardcoded subtitles and the m8, Edd I think his name is, bricks it and walks off but then he hears... all the dogs in the village start going apeshit... and the giant looks up too...



and Jon hears thunder rumbling in the distance... and everyone starts murmuring in anxiety as they look up to see... a huge snowstorm coming in over the hills... and just like Dunkirk there is even a clock ticking sound effect in the score (except this came out first so maybe Nolan ripped this scene off but forgot the to actually add lots of people to his movie about lots of people lmao)



and the Eskimo lady stops in her tracks as all the wildlings start panicking as it rumbles down the mountain and the Thenn leader warns them to shut the gate to the village as the massive crowd of wildlings rushes to escape and they all start trying to break down the gate but they barricade it shut and the blizzard starts coming in even at the shore as everything starts going white but then the massive crowd... suddenly stops shouting from behind the village walls amd the ticking stops... and the Thenn leader walks up confused as to how thousands of people just went silent and looks out through a crack and he hears distant screaming in the distance oh god I feel a jump scare coming on... out of the snowstorm A WOMAN RUNS OUT OF THE SNOW SCREAMING BUT IS KILLED BY A ZOMBIE THAT LUNGES AT HIS FACE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA



AND A WHOLE FLOOD OF THEM JOIN IT GARGLING AND TORMUND ORDERS THE WILDLINGS "READY YOUR ARROWS!" AS THE ZOMBIES START SMASHING AND HACKING THROUGH THE WINDOW AND THE THENN LEADER HACKS ONES ARM OFF WITH HIS AXE AND THE WILDLINGS START SHOOTING THE ZOMBIES TRYING TO GET THROUGH THE WALL AND AT THE SHORE EVERYONE IS FREAKING THE FUCK OUT AND RUSHING THE BOATS AND JON IS TRYING TO GET THEM TO WAIT IN LINE BUT THERE'S NO WAY IN FUCK THEY'RE STAYING AND A SKELETAL WILDLING STARTS CLIMBING OVER THE WALL AND TORMUND SNIPES IT AND INSIDE THE HALL UH WHATS HIS NAME EDD AND THE GIANT AND THE OTHER MEN LOOK UP AT THE CEILING HEARING SNARLING ABOVE THEM AND SNOW DRIPPING OFF AND THE GIANT GROWLS AS HE SEES... DOZENS OF ZOMBIES POURING IN!!!



AND EDD SCREAMS AND RAISES HIS SWORD AS EVEN MORE ZOMBIES POUR IN OVER THE VILLAGE WALLS THAT ARCHERS RUSH TO TAKE OUT WITH HEADSHOTS BUT THEY JUST KEEP COMING BACK UP AND THE THENN TRIES TO BRACE THE DOOR BUT A SPEAR COMES THROUGH NARROWLY MISSING HIM AND HE HAS TO STAMP ON THE SKULL OF A SKELETON CRAWLING UNDER THE WALL and on the shore the Eskimo lady is trying to help a man to the boats but they're pulling out and people are jumping in the freezing water to try and get on board and Jon orders his man to get everyone to the ship and come back for him and he yells "you won't make it!" but he runs off telling the Eskimo woman to leave as everyone starts fighting over the few remaining boats but the Eskimo woman thinks they're fucked and even Jon's men will flee and Tormund turns up and insists "if they get through, everyone dies!" so JON DRAWS HIS SWORD AND ORDERS "NIGHT'S WATCH! WITH ME! MOVE! MOVE!" and his men all follow him through the rioting crowd all swarming the escape boats and



SKELETONS ARE SMASHING THEIR WAY THROUGH THE WALL AND OUT OF NOWHERE ONE THROWS ITSELF DOWN ONTO AN ARCHER THAT HIS FRIENDS TRY TO GET OFF BUT WITH NO ONE LAYING DOWN ARROWS ON THE WALL MORE BREAK THROUGH AND START EATING THE ARCHERS ALIVE AND HACKING THEM APART WITH THEIR AXES WITH THE RAGE OF THE DEAD AND WE PAN UP TO SEE... AN ENTIRE ARMY OF ZOMBIES RUSHING THE VILLAGE WALLS!!!



AND THE ARCHERS PUT AN ARROW IN ONE'S HEAD BUT HE JUST KEEPS COMING OH FUUUCK AND JON RUNS INTO THE BATTLE TO RAM HIS SWORD STRAIGHT INTO ONE TRYING TO GET THROUGH A HOLE AND TORMUND SLASHES APART THE ONE WITH AN ARROW THROUGH ITS HEAD AND JON PINS THE ONE HE'S FIGHTING UP FOR AN ARCHER TO TRY AND HEADSHOT IT BUT IT KEEPS MISSING AND ALMOST HITTING JON



SO TORMUND RUNS UP SMASHING A SLEIGH OVER THE HOLE TO SEAL IT BUT THERE'S ANOTHER HOLE THEY'RE POURING THROUGH AND MASSACRING THE WILDLINGS AND THE THENN HACKS INTO ONE WITH HIS BATTLE AXE AND THE ESKIMO LADY RUNS THROUGH ONE, TWO AND A THIRD AND JON AND TORMUND LOOK UP AT THE HILL TO SEE... FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE WHITE WALKERS... JUST WATCHING THEM! AND THEY REALIZE THEY'RE INTELLIGENT AND EXECUTING PLANS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA



AND EVEN THE THENN BRICKS IT WHEN HE SEES WHAT THEY'RE LOOKING AT AND JON LOOKS DOWN AT THE VILLAGE HALL AND REALIZES "THE DRAGONGLASS!" AND THE THENN SCREAMS "YOU AND ME THEN!" AND TORMUND AGREES "GO!" AS HE STARTS HACKING THROUGH ZOMBIE FUCKERS AND JON STAGGERS THROUGH THE BLIZZARD AS WILDLINGS STRUGGLE TO HOLD THE WALLS AND A SKELETON RUNS STRAIGHT AT HIM SO HE CUTS IT IN HALF WITH HIS SWORD AS THE BATTLE VERSION OF THE THEME SONG STARTS UP AGAIN



AND HE HAS TO JUST RUN AROUND A DOGPILE OF WILDLINGS AND ZOMBIES TEARING EACH OTHER APART, DEFLECTS TWO MORE ATTACKERS AND GETS TO THE HALL JUST AS... THE GIANT BURSTS THROUGH THROWING A ZOMBIE AWAY AND ANOTHER JUMPS ON HIS BACK SO HE GRABS IT AND TEARS IT IN HALF!!!



AND THROWS ANOTHER AWAY AND STORMS FORWARD SMASHING ANOTHER WITH HIS BOOT AND JON RUNS INSIDE AS IT CRUSHES ANOTHER and Jon and the Thenn walk into this flaming building and see a figure through the fire and out from the smoke steps A WHITE WALKER!!! at least I think these guys are just the White Walkers and the zombies are not called that they're called Wytes or something



and they brick it as it looks around as if it doesn't even care they're there and the Thenn tells him "get the glass" and readies his axe and Jon charges in looking for the bag as THE THENN CHARGES THE WHITE WALKER WHO EFFORTLESSLY DODGES HIS AXE BLOWS AND THEN SLASHES IT WITH HIS FROZEN SPEAR... THAT TURNS THE THENN'S GLASS TO ICE, INSTANTLY SHATTERING IT!!! AND RUNS THE THENN THROUGH WITH IT!!!



so I guess the leaders have ice powers or some shit and Jon frantically searches for the dragonglass finally finding it but THE WHITE WALKER THROWS HIM ACROSS THE ROOM WITH HIS SWORD SPINNING OUTSIDE AND SLOWLY WALKS UP TO HIM BUT JON SPRINGS UP AND DODGES HIS SPEAR AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE TO NO EFFECT AND THE WHITE WALKER JUST SHOVES HIM OVER LIKE HE'S NOTHING AND JON RUNS UP INTO THE ATTIC AND GRABS A SWORD HE SWINGS AT THE WHITE WALKER WHO DODGES IT AND THEN BLOCKS IT WITH HIS SPEAR INSTANTLY DISINTEGRATING IT!!!



AND HE WHACKS JON BACK DOWN TO THE GROUND WITH IT'S HANDLE and he just stands there watching Jon struggle to get up to stumbles outside grabbing his sword and falls on his face into the blizzard as the White Walker thumps along after him and HE SWINGS HIS ICE SPEAR AT JON WHO... BLOCKS IT WITH HIS SWORD THAT HE CAN'T SHATTER!!! AND THE WHITE WALKER IS LIKE N-NANI?!



AND HE SWINGS AGAIN AT JON WHO DODGES AND JON SLASHES HIS SWORD STRAIGHT THROUGH THE WHITE WALKER MAKING HIM INSTANTLY BURST INTO TEN THOUSAND SHARDS OF ICE!!! GET FUUUUUUUCKED!!!



I guess the reveal here is Jon's 500 year old sword Jorah's dad gave him is actually dragonglass and Jon stands there in amazement and drops down to his knees exhausted as... THE WHITE WALKER KING LOOKS DOWN ON HIM FROM THE HILL studying this most successful enemy and Jon struggles to try and get up as TORMUND IS STILL GOING HAM CHOPPING ZOMBIES APART



WITH THE ESKIMO LADY TAKING OUT ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE



but when she turns around.... ZOMBIE CHILDREN ARE WATCHING HER and an extremely distressing throbbing sound plays warping the soundtrack as she stands there in horror as



THE ZOMBIE CHILDREN DOGPILE HER AND EAT HER ALIVE



and Jon starts vomiting he was fighting so hard when Edd comes out of nowhere to pick him up and Jon mutters "the dragon glass!" but Edd screams "fuck the glass! we are gonna die here!" and they hear a horrible hissing sound from on top the hills and A HUGE ARMY OF SKELETONS THROWS THEMSELVES OFF THE HILLSIDE DOWN INTO THE VILLAGE LIKE A TSUNAMI OF UNDEAD CORPSES



that land in a crumpled heap at the bottom... BUT THEN THEY ALL ANIMATE AND SPRING UP LOL THEY WERE MERELY PRETENDING!!!! JUST A PRANK BRO!!! AND EDD IS LIKE "OH FUUUUAAAAAACK"



AND TORMUND THROWS HIS SWORD INTO A ZOMBIES HEAD AND IS FINALLY STARTING TO GET WINDED CHOPPING DOWN EVEN MORE BUT THEN HE LOOKS UP AS... THE VILLAGE WALL COLLAPSES UNDER THE WEIGHT OF THOUSANDS OF ZOMBIES AND HE SCREAMS TO THE GIANT "WUN WUN! TO THE SEA!" AS AN ARMY OF ZOMBIES FLOODS TOWARDS THEM



AND WUN WUN GRABS A FLAMING TREE TRUNK AND STARTS WHACKING ZOMBIES AWAY WITH IT TO COVER THE THREE HUMANS ESCAPE BUT THEY'RE ALL AROUND THEM SO HE SMASHES MORE OUT THE WAY SLAMMING THE TRUNK DOWN SO HARD IT SHATTERS



and the White Walker King just looks down as his forces scream after the four surviving fighters and finally get to the dock with the last remaining rowboat and they scream to "run! run! go go!" as they pile in... and Wun Wun realizes he can't fit... SO HE GRABS ANOTHER LOG AND STARTS SMASHING INTO THE ENTIRE ARMY SWARMING HIM AND THE HUMANS WATCH HIM BEING COVERED BY ZOMBIESS AS PEOPLE ARE EATEN ALIVE ALL AROUND HIM AND HE WADES INTO THE SEA TEARING THEM OFF OF HIMSELF AS HE TRIES TO WALK OUT TO THE SHIPS



AND IN THE VILLAGE BEHIND HIM JON WATCHES HELPLESSLY AS THE THE ZOMBIES AND WHITE WALKERS ARE MASSACRING EVERYONE WHO COULDN'T GET IN THE BOATS



AND A WHITE WALKER LOOKS OUT TO THEM AS PEOPLE SCREAM IN AGONY AROUND HIM AS THEY'RE HACKED TO PIECES



AND TORMUND TEARS UP SEEING HIS PEOPLE BEING BUTCHERED WITHOUT MERCY LIKE ANIMALS



and once everyone's dead... THE WHITE WALKER KING slowly walks along the pier and stares out to the sea looking Jon dead in the eyes and he turns to look at his forces and Jon looks over the shore at how there's thousands of zombies and thousands of dead wildlings and THE WHITE WALKER KING RAISES HIS ARMS LIKE "COME AT ME BRO"



AND HE STARTS TO REANIMATE ALL THE DEAD HUMANS!!! WHO'S EYES GO BLUE AND RAISE UP JOINING THEIR KILLERS IN HIS ARMY OF THE DEAD!!!



INCLUDING THE ESKIMO LADY WHO STARES BLANKLY AT JON WHO REALIZES HE IS ABSOLUTELY FUKKKTTTTTT



and there's a creepily silent shot of their boat slowly drifting out to sea as the creepy sloshing sound effects play over the credits, well that was dank as hell and really well done action horror which is a tone so many movies can't get right where it just ends up being silly and goofy like the Resident Evil movies or the Doom movie and it's funny how fucking much better this zombie content is than The Walking Dead which has never had a good siege scene in it's fucking 9 years of air time but this is just a side story of GoT I guess it looks so good kinda like how the T-Rex in JP still holds up because it's obsecured by it being at night with harsh weather conditions to hide any dodgy CGI and I'm glad that after loads of scenes of just talking about the White Walkers coming... they actually fucking do lmao, also a little micro-theme that I really like is some characters are arguing and won't work together but then the real nigga shit kicks off and they immediately start working together out of being forced to confront the reality of their situation like how the Thenn tells Jon to fuck off but then a minute later are wading into a burning building together it helps with the show's theme of people's ideas clashing with reality except in a sort of nice way of enemies realizing they need to work together rather than how it usually goes in this edgy setting where it's the opposite





Game of Thrones 5x09: "The Dance of Dragons"
*teleports 20 good men behind ur camp* nothin perrsonal king special edition
First aired: June 7, 2015

we open on Stannis camp that's frozen to shit and the Red Lady is doing he autistic thing of staring at fire when she suddenly turns around as if she saw something in it and she looks over to see THE TENTS BURST INTO FLAMES!!! AND FIRES START ALL OVER THE CAMP!!!



AND MEN SCREAM FOR THEM TO GET OUT OF THE TENT AND A FUCKING HORSE RUNS BY ON FIRE AND THE RED LADY IS LIKE WHAT LE FUG MATE



then the next morning Davos is telling his boss "a band of 20 men, maybe less, they were in and out before anyone spotted them, they burnt our food stores to the ground, all our siege weapons destroyed, dozen of tents" and Stannis wants to know the "horses" and Davos says "hundreds are dead" and Stannis asks "20 men rode into our camp without a single guard sounding the alarm?" and Davos explains "the northerners know more about their land than we ever will" and Stannis orders "put last night's guards in chains, either they fell asleep or they conspired with the enemy, find out the truth and then hang them" and Davos warns him they can't press on now and don't have enough food to go back to Castle Black and Stannis insists on not giving up and Davos cant understand if they cant march forward or back what are they gonna do and he looks over at his wife and child but Stannis just tells him "have the dead horses butchered for meat" as if Davos cares more about his family than he does ok... that was... that was the stupidest fucking thing I've seen on this show yet... they literally point out like how the fuck did Ramsay and 20 guys sneak in at all... HOW THE FUCK DID 20 MEN KILL 100 HORSES? WOULDN'T THEY, YOU KNOW, MAKE A LOT OF NOISE BEING FUCKING BURNT ALIVE? HOW DOES DAVOS EVEN KNOW IT WAS 20 MEN IF NO ONE SAYS THEY SAW THEM? IF LE 20 GOOD MEN CAN SNEAK INTO AN ARMY'S CAMP AND COMPLETELY DISABLE IT AND ESCAPE THEN WHY DOESN'T EVERYONE DO THIS IN EVERY WAR EVER? THIS IS THE MOST GARY STU SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN, RAMSAY JUST TELEPORTS INTO HIS ENEMY'S ARMY AND KILLS A HUNDRED HORSES AND SETS FIRES WITH HIS PYROMANCY AND TELEPORTS OUT?!?! FUCK OFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!! this is really rustling since other than the sort of typical heroes adventure shit Jon is on I only really care about the Reek and Ramsay storyline anymore since the King's Landing shit turned into babby's first politics, the Dorne storyline is completely quarantined from it and is also an extremely shallow revenge story, the most interesting characters like Varys and Tyrion immediately got boring after being anywhere near shit writing central Dany, the fun characters like CIA and Brie are doing fuck all nothing and Arya went from fun with The Hound to contrived and silly with le shapeshifting assassin cults which leaves just Ramsay and the story around him but he's so fucking Gary Stu'd where every character around him needs to become fucking stupid for him to succeed (Yara wasting months sailing around the continent for nothing, most dangerous power player in the country CIA magically knows nothing about him, Sansa trusts the clearly mindbroken man she thinks betrayed her family and murdered her brothers with her only chance at escape and now Stannis entire army including the fucking horses go into stand-by mode for him to dismantle everything)



then with Jon he is marching through his namesake back to The Wall with a massive group of wildlings and Wun Wun and Tormand gives a signal for them to halt and it seems he has his two daughters with him he comforts and Alliser is on The Wall and looks down at the 500 wildlings with all the other men up there ready to defend it if they have to and Jon steps forward and Alliser's lip twitches like he's legit scared Jon will doom them all but he forces himself to order "open the gates" and a man glares daggers at him that they're letting half a thousand wildlings stream through the defence they've been trying to keep them out for millennia



and he's told Sam what happened who tries to point out he saved all these people entirely because of him, saying "you didn't fail him, or him, or her, every one of them is alive because of you" which is a nice way to look at things, even if in the big picture it's hopeless, you can still make a difference to an individual, but Jon just points to the glaring Watchmen giving him death stares saying "I don't think that facts lost on them" and then all the Night's Watchmen fucking brick it as Wun Wun crawls out of the tunnel and he gives Jon a knowing look like they have an understanding one way or another now like only men who've seen heavy combat together can and Sam looks up in amazement but then slips away as Alliser comes up so he doesn't even need to do the "leave us" meme to him and he warns him "you have a good heart Jon Snow... it'll get us all killed" and just walks off like an edgy prick



then on a war map Stannis is staring at the pieces for his army and Roose's getting close together and Davos turns up for him to order him to go to Castle Black to order Jon to send supplies in return for having all the men he wants once he's King but Davos says the Hand never abandons the King in time of war and Stannis claims he needs someone more convincing than some messenger boy (interesting to note how everyone has their own styles of being manipulative but Davos is just to not be a dickhead like everyone else and talk sense in to people lol) but I think the real reason is he wants Davos gone since he know's he's the only one who'd be able to stop him doing a certain fucked up thing and I think he can sense that so asks for his wife and daughter to come with him but Stannis turns him down and he bargains to at least take Shireen but Stannis coldly says "my family stays with me"



then outside his men are freezing their fucking ballbags off and some of them are coughing and clearly unwell as they shiver to get some cold as fuck soup and Davos walks past them to Shireen's tent who's reading a book about a man who tried to slay a dragon by using a mirrored shield to make the dragon think it was looking at another dragon but all it saw was "a dumb man with a polished shield" "and burnt him to a crisp" and they both chuckle at the legend which kind of goes along with the theme of the whole show of peoples dumb ideas clashing with reality which I have to admit I appreciate despite how edgy it is but here's a uh slightly different version of the legend



and Davos gives Shireen this extremely well made toy stag and she gives him a peck on the cheek in thanks and she can tell something's going on and asks why she's getting a present and he says in thanks for teaching him how to read because he regrets not listening to his son trying to get him to learn all his life and he thanks her "for teaching me how to be a grown up" as he can tell this might be the last time they see each other one way or another and he tells her he wants to hear more stories about dragons when he gets back but she jokes "read it yourself" and he gives her a kiss on the cheek and leaves

then in Dorne Jaime is being marched in by Triple B to talk with Elly, Doran, Myrcella and Trysten and Jaime sees his daughter is dressed in a revealing shirt and deadpans "what a lovely dress" and she realizes "you don't like it?" taunting her "uncle" and Jaime quips "you must be cold" and she smugly says "not at all, the Dornish climate agrees with me" and he just asks her boyfriend "how's the law?" and he snaps back "a fleabite" and he starts arguing with the adults about what the fuck he's doing there and he tells Doran about the death threat and Myrcella confirms her necklace is missing and Doran glares at Elly knowing it was her and Doran says lots of people want Jaime beheaded but he's adamant he wont take his people to war since he's seen it and can't do that to his people making him by far the best ruler in the show so far and Elly bitches "no you want to break bread with the Lannisters" which reminds me of libshit brainlets saying Trump shouldn't try to make peace with North Korea at all and Doran insists they drink to Tommen as he might not like Jaime coming in there on some dumbass mission but insists on peace and Elly being an absolute cunt just slowly pours out her wine on the ground to show her disrespect for his family and Doran asks if Tommen insists on his sisters return and Mycella glares at Jaime not wanting him to ruin her life so Doran comes to a great compromise that he'll obey his King but Prince Trysten can go with her to marry her which makes everyone other than his clearly unhinged retard moron sister-in-law happy but Doran ain't no pushover and knows how to leverage someone since as soon as Jaime happily accepts he adds that since his brother was on Tywin's Small Counsel then Trystane should take his place to keep Dorne in the fold and Jaime just wants his daughter safe so agrees much to Elly's rustlement and she snaps at her brother-in-law "no wonder you can't stand, you have no spine!" and goes to march out but Doran grabs her wrist and tells her "you are mother to four of my nieces, girls I love very much, for their sake I hope you live a long and happy life, speak to me that way again and you wont" and she just snatches her arm away and storms out, hmm I wonder how many of the Sand Snakes, which I think Oberyn mentioned there were 8 of them, are hers, and if there are any of his bastard daughters that didn't want to become cringy assassins and if he had any sons and what they get up to, and Jaime asks about Bronn and Doran asks how they punish a commoner who strikes a prince in King's Landing and Jaime quips "he said it was just a fleabite" and Doran glares at him for having his son be assaulted so Jaime takes the blame knowing he can't do anything that bad to him so Doran lets Trysten decide what to do (he should make him leave his golden hand behind lmao) and Trysten glares at Jamie and agrees to let Bronn free... on one condition



and in the cells the two sisters who aren't Obara are playing that dumb game amerievil kids play where you hold your hands out to each other and try to slap them to see who's faster and the short haired one is getting annihilated by the asian one and teases her that she "must love humiliation or pain" oh my and she slaps her sister extra hard and asks "which do you love most, humiliation or pain?" yeah ok GRRM is definitely wanking as he writes this shit and I guess they have some fucked up version where it's more an endurance test as the short haired girl is not even trying to move her hands away as her sister slaps her hands taunting "ooh that one hurt didn't it? you going to cry? give up little sister" but her sister starts trying to mindfuck he saying "you're going to miss, you're thinking too much, now you're nervous, what if she's right?" and the asian one swings angrily, telegraphing her move, and her little sister dodges, probably having just letting her keep hitting her to lul her into a false sense of security to get her to miss even once, wow great job, and the asian one laughs "luck" and refuses to go next as she's too slow so HER SISTER SLAPS HER ON THE FACE AND BLOWS A KISS AT HER



and the asian one (I can't look up their names because as soon as I see a past tense verb or whatever around it I'll know if they die or not lmao fuck english) but she just smiles at her and they go to fight but then Triple B turns up to open Bronn's cell and he quips "am I going to be happy at the end of this walk?" and Triple B growls "you'll find out very soon" and the short haired one taunts Bronn "say it one more time hansom, who am I?" and Bronn gives in and sighs "the most beautiful woman in the world" and she calls after "and that's the truth!" and Obara growls "slut" at her sister, ok that was kind of a cute scene but kind of makes you think if they're that playful and juvenile they have only ever really been training and haven't seen much combat yet unless they're completely mental, maybe that's why their fighting was so shit because they've only ever trained and that was their first real mission, who am I kidding it's just that they're dumb characters lmao and Triple B brings in Bronn to the fancy meeting room and he apologizes to Trystane knowing he's at his mercy and Jaime tells him he's agreed to let him go and Bronn tries to smile cheerily and talk about how the pie looks good lul but Jaime adds "there was one condition" and he looks up as THE BIG BLACK BODYGUARD ELBOWS BRONN IN THE NOSE as Trysten watches satisfied lmao I thought it was going to be the Sand Snakes have to accompany them to bodyguard the prince or something and Bronn would be rustled he has to work with the women who were kicking his ass



then in Braavos Arya is doing the OYSTERS CLAMS AND CUCKOLDS meme again even though I am pretty sure he said she'd be appearing as a different girl this time and a creeper comes up and asks "how much for your little clam?" and she stays in character and, well, clams up but as soon as they leave she notices the dodgy life insurance guy and moron Arya only now takes out the vile of poison now that she's in public with loads of witnesses and she hesitates as the thin man waves her over to buy some oysters but she looks straight past him at, oh shit, LORD MANCE TYRELL AND SER MYRIN TRANT ARE ARRIVING and she completely ignores the target yelling at her to get over there as she finally has an opportunity to scratch one of her names off her list since somehow she knows that Ser Myrin Trant is one of the ones to betray Ned but not CIA for some reason even though it was in the same room I guess at some point someone told her the City Guard would be loyal to him or something and were evidently not and she watches as the ginger (((Banker))) welcomes Mance to "the Free City of Braavos" which I guess implies they don't allow slavery and awkwardly shakes his hand as if he doesn't like touching other people and is just holding his finger rips and Mance prattles on promising him the best wine he's got but the Banker tries to endure him patting his shoulder and tells him "I'm sorry to say but I don't partake"



and Mance tries very sloppily to undermine the Banker by talking about how (((usery))) is sometimes seen as immoral but he of course thinks that's nonsense but the Banker has heard all sorts of negotiation tactics and isn't bothered and just listens to Mance prattle on about how loaning with interest was once almost punished by cutting off your hands in Westeros and the Banker just quips "unfortunate for the glovers" as he always sees things from a business angle and Myren looks directly at Arya fiddling with her cuckolds but is too dumb to realize it's her and looks away as her acting skills are paying off and as Mance now clumsily tries to get in the Banker's good graces by saying without interest it's a bad gamble as you can't gain from it but only lose and the Banker informs him "we are not gamblers here at (((the Iron Bank))) Lord Tyrell" and Mance switches to trying to suck up him saying all the bets they won built them this and points up in respect to their huge building, then later that day Arya is eating her cuckolds while waiting for Mance and his party to leave the bank and when he does he's obnoxiously singing to the poor Banker who leans back away from him trying to hide his annoyance and he gives Trant a glance like is he always like this and Trant just looks around for threats ignoring them



then later in an alley at dusk Trant is bitching to his men about Mance's singing ranting "The Tyrells can all rot in hell, treasonous cunts! they were going to make that boy-fucker Renly king!" WOAH WOAH WOAH I THOUGHT IT WAS HELLS PLURAL BECAUSE THERE WERE SEVEN OF THEM? NICE FORGETTING YOUR OWN CANON LMAOOOOO and then they arrive at a brothel (are we gonna see Arya go undercover as a whore lmaoooo) and Trent memes about how he'll buy but not share as the two men sigh at each other and Arya does infiltrate... with her tray of seafood and the pimp tries to get her to leave but a working girl calls her over as she's heard oysters get the juices going (this line sent me on a google hole of reading that Casanova used to eat 50 a day to keep his libido up, was recently proven right by science, and I read about him escaping prison and witnessing the last drawing and quartering of someone in France where he talked about how it was so horrible he had to look away and he only pretended to believe the executioners who excused it by saying they didn't feel sorry for him since he deserved it but really he knew their hearts had been hardened by now which reminded me of this show and all the brainlets who've never been in a fight say violence is no big deal because people used to see extreme violence in person all the time but even back then the witnesses knew it was fucking horrible and only people traumatized by doing it too much could stand it) and the john shows off by overpays her with some silver as Arya cuts open their oysters with a knife and she sneaks into the back where Trent is having a girl spin around for him but he decides "too old" and oooh I think I remember this edgy shit from when I saw the next episode when it came out one of Trent's guards smiles at him as the madame calls out "Brea" to dance for him but he says again "too old" and the madame clenches up as she realizes whats going on and calls out "Anara" a teenage girl with pigtails but Trent still says "too old" and the madame nods her away and Trent insists "do you have what I want or not?" and the madame leaves but then one of the Lannister soldiers appears behind Arya and takes a clam off of her and tells her to go serve his men, hopefully not in that way, and Arya looks shook as he pulls her in to see Trent and the other guard buys some oysters from her as his mate tells him "nothing better for your cockstand!" and Trent eyes Arya as if he almost recognizes her but then the madame comes back and yells at Arya to leave, no doubt for her own sake as she's realized what Trent is into and once she leaves she brings in.... a girl of only about 12, and Trent gasps and his two guards look at him like uuuuhhhhh really and Trent goes "good" and the madame hands the girl an hour glass but Trent growls "I'll tell you when we're done" and hands it back and goes off with the little girl but asks "you'll have a fresh one for me tomorrow?" and the madame says "of course" but then catches Arya spying on them again and yells at her she'll have her whipped if she doesn't get out so let me get this straight MERYN TRANT IS A PEDOPHILE EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 102 I guess that explains why he was fine with beating 13 year old Sansa whenever Joffrey told him, or maybe that's where he got his fetish I seem to remember he has, but this is uhhhhhh seems a bit lazy writing, like just to really make sure you know this dude is bad he's a nonce and don't worry for when Arya fucks him up but he's got literally no redeeming qualities at all and is never implied to even have a family or friends then at the temple of the Many-Faced God Jaqen is helping an old man take his poison as they say the meme phrase to each other respectfully and as he sits down to die he goes to talk to Arya who lies "the thin man wasn't hungry" and he jokes drily "perhaps that is why a man is thin" and Arya promises "tomorrow" as the old man thuds down dead in the background and Jaqen gives her le furtive look as he can tell she's lying as she walks up to the dead man to take him away



then in Dorn Doran is telling Elly she has to swear allegiance to him or die as Triple B stands behind her with the three Sand Snakes in handcuffs and she stares at him super hurt he wont avenge his brother with her but realizes she has no choice and kneels down and kisses his wring as the three Sand Snakes cringe at their mother/mentor giving in and probably especially to a ugh male and Elly cries as Doran warns her "I believe in second chances... I don't believe in third chances" and we see Jaime trying to write with his left hand as Elly turns up and taunts him "you write like a 7 year old" and she gossips about how the maester who agreed to copy it over for him would usually make him pay and they discuss Myrcella but Elly drops that she knows he's in love with his sister but says she doesn't disapprove as she had a love for Oberyn that King's Landing looked down on too but in Dorne no one cares and points out 100 years ago no one would care about him either if his name was Targyrian (I have never and will never learn how to spell that name) and tells him seemingly genuinely "it's always changing who we're supposed to love and who we're not, the only thing that stays the same is that we want who we want" she's right there's literally nothing wrong with incest and maybe she's just playing the long game or has really given up and tells him she knows his daughter, oh shit, had nothing to do with Oberyn and maybe he's innocent to and walks off leaving Jaime concerned and confused



then in Shireen's tent she's playing with her new stag toy when Stannis comes to spend time with her and awkwardly asks what she's reading and she says she's reading about Aegon and his half-sister fighting for control of Westeros, I guess that's why Aemon tapped out since lil Egg was turning on another sibling, and as she talks about how both thought they deserved the Iron Throne brothers fought brothers and dragons fought dragons she smiles like it's just an interesting history lesson but Stannis stares of coldly as he knows that applies to what he's doing and aint very fun but then Shireen gets serious and says "by the time it was over thousands were dead" and tells him the Targ's didn't recover either and Stannis grumbles doesn't make much sense to call it a dance of dragons then and she's like "I think it's poetic" it's like pottery it rhymes and Stannis shifts uncomfortably as he finds himself asking his 12 year old daughter for advice asking who she'd choose between Rhaenyra and Aegon, probably relating to one of them and Roose with the other, probably with Aegon if he was the Mad King, god I need to look this up, ok the Mad King, Dany's father, was Aegon's fucking grandchild, so Aemon probably really was 100 years old, and it also says on the wiki that DANY'S MOTHER WAS HER FATHER'S SISTER which explains a lot if she's literally got the same incest-autism as Joffrey that makes them extremely megalomaniacal and is gonna be a big ol INCEST, I LIKE IT COUNT: 9 from me fam, anyway Shireen says the wokest thing said so far "I wouldn't choose either, it's all the choosing sides that made everything so horrible" and Stannis mutters "sometimes a person has to choose.... sometimes the world forces his hand.... if a man knows what he is... and remains true to himself... a choice is no choice at all... he must fullfill his destiny.... and become who he is meant to be.... however much eh may hate it" and Shireen can tell he's struggling and says "it's alright father" and he calls her out "you don't even know what I'm talking about" but Shireen assures him "it doesn't matter, I want to help you, is there any way I can help?" and Stannis starts breathing heavily and looks at her in the eyes and sits there in silence and says "yes there is" and she instantly says "I'd love to, I'm the Princess Shireen of House Baratheon and I'm your daughter" and Stannis force himself to look her in the eyes again as she hugs him and he closes his eyes and steels himself and then whispers "forgive me" as we see.... Shireen being taken out into the snow holding her toy stag... and all the men are lining up and gathering to watch... as four guards... TAKE SHIREEN TO A PYRE... AND THE RED LADY WALKS OUT... and Shireen clocks what's happening and demands "where's my father? I want to see my father!" and this fucking cunt smirks and says "it will all be over soon Princess" and she shakes her head but the guards grab her and take this crying girl to the pyre and starts strapping her in place and she cries and begs to see her father but... Stannis walks out, and his freak wife tells him "it's what the lord wants, it's a good thing, a great thing" as their daughter begs for mercy and the Red Lady starts giving a prayer and Stannis tries to steele himself and his wife notices and assures him that they'll starve without this sacrifice to Allah and Stannis closes his eyes and really gets his noggin joggin firing up that 200 IQ big brain of his to calculate that he's definately making the right decision and this isn't just extremely bad writing from two hacks who don't know what to do with this character now they've run out of book material to adapt



and Shireen sees her mother and cries for her (even though she's standing right next to her father who she trusts way more?) and her mother seems to bottle it or at least want to leave but Stannis assures her "there's no other way she has king's blood" and Shireen finally yells to Stannis "PLEASE! FATHER PLEASE!" as the Red Lady does the "for the night is dark and full of terrors" meme



THE RED LADY LIGHTS SHIREENS PYRE AND SHE SCREAMS "DONT DO THIS PLEASE! MOTHER PLEASE HELP!" EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 103



AND HER MOTHER BOTTLES IT AND LOOKS TO STANNIS WHO DOESN'T REACT SO SHE RUSHES THE FLAMING PYRE BUT THE GUARDS GRAB HER AND STOP HER FROM HELPING HER DAUGHTER AS SHE BEGS "PLEASE MOTHER PLEASE! DONT DO THIS! PLEASE! NOOOOOAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE" AS STANNIS LET'S THE RED LADY BURN HIS DAUGHTER ALIVE AND HIS WIFE FALLS TO THE GROUND AND CRIES "NOOOAAAAGGHHH" AS SHE SEES HER ONLY CHILD BURNT TO DEATH



ok..... THIS IS NOW THE NEW STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN ON THIS SHOW... THERE IS NO WAY IN FUCK STANNIS WOULD EVER DO THIS TO HIS OWN DAUGHTER, HE EVEN AGREED TO SPARE HIS BASTARD NEPHEW HE'D NEVER EVEN MET BEFORE AND CLEARLY LOVES HIS DAUGHTER MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE, ABSOLUTE FUCKING DOGSHIT now I get that this is a metaphor for religious extremism and he's been slowly indoctrinated by the Red Lady getting him to sacrifice more and more people until he's used to it but IT'S NOT A METAPHOR BECAUSE HER RELIGION IS LITERALLY REAL WITHIN THE TEXT OF THE STORY SO IT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH FAITH AND IS JUST ANOTHER UTALITARIAN DECISION FOR POWER and I get that maybe you're also meant to think that it's for like the morale boost for his faithful men or something but IT'S FUCKING REAL WITHIN THE STORY SO IT DOESN'T MATTER about manipulating other people's faith or whatever and I can see Stannis doing some shit like... his wife clearly can't carry a child to term but maybe they think of some loophole where like if he knocks her up with a babby then they can sacrifice that child... as long as it's alive within her, so he gets her pregnant and just before she gets to the stage where she usually miscarriages they put her on a flaming pyre so technically they're sacrificing the living fetus within her or some shit, since he clearly doesn't love his wife as much as his daughter, but this is fucking retarded and clearly out of character for this loving father to do, and it's not even good villain material for the Red Lady, because she's not fucking with this dudes head so much he'd kill his own daughter for her and she'd do this just to get him and his men even more enthralled by her, SHE IS LITERALLY DOING ACTUAL MAGIC WITHIN THE FICTIONAL UNIVERSE absolute fucking dogshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit



then speaking of shit writing in the Great Arena or whatever we pan over a statue of Sargon of Akkad in his legendary battle with the champion of the SJWs for the right to say the n-word and see Dany has gotten too lazy to take down the harpy statues, a religion still not explained, so has just had their faces smashed in like some ISIS shit and in this collusium there are thousands of people watching four horses being riden around each other




and Daario guards Dany, Tyrion and Missy as they watch from the front row VIP spots with her looking rather concerned at the crowd of masters cheering excitedly to see poor men die and then Hizzy turns up claiming "just making sure everything is in order" as Jorah's master walks into the arena and signals for everyone to shit up and he speaks in Valyrian welcoming their Queen to the Great Games and everyone cheers... may the odds forever be in your favor and then he introduces their first round which is SOME BARGAIN BIN THE MOUNTAIN VS. OBERYN SHIT, WHO WILL TRIUMPH: THE STRONG, OR THE QUICK?



and both men announce they fight and die for Dany's glory which makes her uncomfortable as their master I-I mean uhhhh pimp? and everyone sits there in silence as Hizzy tells her "they're waiting for you, clap your hands" and Dany very tentatively realizes she's starting the fight and forces herself to clap and THE CROWD CHEERS AS THE TWO MEN START DUELLING TO THE DEATH WITH THE QUICK MAN DODGING THE STRONG MAN'S HUGE SWORD SWINGS AND ROLLING OUT THE WAY BEFORE BLOCKING HIS STRIKES AND SLASHING HIS BACK and Daario leans in and chuckles "the smaller man, no question, that's where you should put your money" and Tyrion quips "smaller man it is" but Hizzy informs him Kings or Queens never bet on the games "perhaps you should go find someone who does" a bit jealous he's more intimate with Dany than he'll ever be despite being about to marry her and Daario just stands there memeing at him about how people used to bet on him against bigger opponents and Hizzy says that's not how it usually goes and Dany calls him out "has your experience ever involved any actual fighting? you? yourself? have you ever tried to kill a man who was trying to kill you?" while raising her eyebrows super high and he gets pwnt being the beta male he is as Daario stats ranting again about how fast he is while spinning a dagger in his face obnoxiously and regaling Dany about how he could beat any big muscly beast because he had more brains as THE STRONG MAN BEHEADS THE QUICK MAN ON HIS FEET AND ROARS TO THE CHEERING CROWD AS HIS BODY STAYS STANDINGlmao rekt manlet bitch



and Hizzy gives Daario a smug smirk sending him awkwardly away realizing that dude could have probably killed him too and Hizzy notices Tyrion is uncomfortable and he explains there's already enough death in the world and Hizzy says some edgy shit asking "what great thing has ever been accomplished without killing or cruelty?" and Dany gets mad at her fiance talking like that and Tyrion says some pretentious shit basically calling him out as talking about his own life and Dany calls him out asking "THAT is greatness?" as she watches the crowd cheer as servants drag out the dead body and hold the head up for them to see and he insists it's a vital part of the great city of Meereen that will outlive them all and Tyrion gives the worse insult "my father would have liked you" and the crowd cheers as the master comes out again and Dany threatens Meereen could return to the dirt to if she needed to command it and the master proposes WHO WILL TRIUMPH: THE MEEREENESE CHAMPION? OR A DOTHRAKI? oh I guess they got a new Champion since the guy Daario beheaded lmao and Hizzy points out many men would die, and Dany fires back they'd die for a good reason, and Hizzy points to the fighters and says they think they're dying for a good reason, and Dany corrects "someone else's reason" and Hizzy mocks "so your reasons are true and theirs are false? they dont know their own minds but you do?" and Tyrion memes that "eloquent men are right every bit as often as imbeciles" and I guess it's more than two fighting because the master then introduces OR A WESTEROSI KNIGHT? and Dany looks down to see JORAH PLEDGING TO FIGHT AND DIE FOR HER HONOR beside a shirtless hippy man and a black dude



and Dany looks down in disbelief that this absolute incel is at it again and Hizzy leans in but Daario snaps "shut ya mouth" as Dany is having a moment staring at Jorah deciding to let him have his way and see if he can fight for her honor so without hesitation DANY CLAPS STARTING THE FIGHT TO THE DEATH and the five men including a sixth who's some generic fighter guy I guess all spread out warming themselves up as the audience gets hyped up and THE FIGHTING BEGINS WITH THE BLACK DUDE CHARGING JORAH WITH HIS HALBERD WITH THE DOTHRAKI FIGHTING THE GENERIC GUY AND THE CHAMPION FIGHTING THE HIPPY



AND THE BLACK GUY STARTS WHACKING JORAH IN THE BALLS WITH HIS HANDLE AND THEN BUTTS HIM IN THE MOUTH SPRAYING BLOOD EVERYWHERE SENDING HIM FALLING OVER AND HE GOES IN FOR THE KILL BUT JORAH DEFLECTS HIS BLADE, KICKS HIM AWAY AND TRIES TO ATTACK HIMSELF BUT THE BLACK DUDE DODGES AND WHACKS HIS SWORD AWAY



SO JORAH TAKES OUT A KNIFE AND SLASHES THE POLEARM OUT OF HIS HANDS AND THE BLACK GUY GRAPPLES WITH JORAH PUTTING HIM IN AN ARMLOCK AS THE GENERIC GUY RUNS THROUGH THE DOTHRAKI WITH HIS RAPIER



AND JORAH KICKS THE BLACK DUDES LEGS OUT FROM UNDER HIM AND RAMS HIS DAGGER STRAIGHT INTO HIS HEART AS BLOOD LEAKS OUT OH SHIIIIT AND HE LOOKS UP AT DANY LIKE LET ME ORBIT YOU AGAIN M'LADY!!!!



AND HE GETS HIS SWORD BACK AND WALKS UP TO THE RAPIER GUY WHO FLIPS HIS OWN SWORD AROUND SUPER FANCY FOR THE CROWD AND STARTS DUELLING JORAH AND EASILY SLITS HIS CHEEK OPEN AND DANY GASPS IN FEAR AS THE RAPIER GUY SLITS JORAH'S THIGH, ROLLS OUT THE WAY OF HIS SWING AND JABS HIM HARD IN HIS ARMORED CHEST SENDING HIM GASPING IN PAIN AND THE CROWD STANDS UP TO CHEER AS THEIR CITY'S CHAMPION SPEARS THE SHIRTLESS HIPPY DUDE



AND THE RAPIER GUY SWORDBUTTS JORAH IN THE FACE AS THE CROWD CHEER IT'S PAST THE HALFWAY POINT AND JORAH TRIES TO KEEP UP BLOCKING THE RAPIER GUYS ATTACKS BUT HE'S JUST TOO FAST AND GETS A SLASH IN ON HIS ARM AND FLICKS HIS FACE AGAIN WITH HIS TIP SENDING HIM FLYING BACK ONTO THE GROUND AND THE CROWD SCREAM FOR HIM AS HE HOLDS JORAH AT RAPIER POINT NOT LETTING HIM PICK UP HIS SWORD AS HE DECIDES HOW TO KILL HIM



AND TYRION TELLS DANY "YOU CAN END THIS!" BUT HIZZY INSISTS "SHE CANNOT" AND DANY STRUGGLES WITH HER TELLTALE STYLE BINARY CHOICE AS THE CROWD CHANTS FOR THE RAPIER GUY TO KILL JORAH BUT... THE CHAMPION STABS HIM FROM BEHIND!!! NOTHIN PERSONEL KID!!!



AND THE CROWD ALL LAUGH AT HIS COCKINESS GETTING HIM KILLED AS THE CHAMPION WALKS AWAY LETTING JORAH GET UP AND PICK HIS SWORD UP AND JORAH NODS HIM HIS THANKS FOR LETTING HIM KEEP FIGHTING AND DANY SETTLES DOWN HOPING JORAH CAN WIN AND THE CHAMPION STARTS TWIRLING HIS SPEAR SUPER FAST AT JORAH DEFLECTING HIS SWORD AND SLAPPING HIM BUT JORAH DUCKS UNDER IT AND GRABS IT AND SWINGS HIS SWORD AROUND BUT THE CHAMPION DODGES IT AND GETS HIS ARM IN A LOCK WITH IT



AND BUT JORAH WONT LET GO OF THE SPEAR UNTIL HE SHOVES HIM OFF OF IT ONTO THE GROUND AND THE CHAMPION CHARGES TO SKEWER HIM BUT JORAH GRABS THE SPEAR HOLDING THE TIP JUST AS IT'S ABOUT TO HIT HIM AND KICKS THE GUY AWAY WHO LETS HIM GET BACK UP AND THE CROWD BOO AT THEM PROLONGING IT AND THE GUY CHARGES BUT JORAH DOES A FORWARD ROLL UNDER HIS SPEAR AND RAMS HIS SWORD INTO THE GUYS STOMACH!!! NO ONE CAN STOP JORAH WHEN THE RAGE OF THE CUCKED FRIENDZONER FLOWS THROUGH HIM!!!



and the crowd all gasp in shock and then boo Jorah for defeating their champion who hunches over dying painfully on the ground with his sword still stuck through him and Jorah looks up at Dany for approval but then JORAH THROWS THE SPEAR AT DANY...



OVER HER SHOULDER TO KILL A SON OF THE HARPY ASSASSIN!!!



and Daario takes out his sword as he sees people in the crowd standing up with harpy masks and the crowd start screaming in fear as he orders "protect your queen!" to the unsullied as THE HARPIES START KNIFING EVERYONE IN THE CROWD KILLING SCORES OF CIVILIANS!!! OH SHIT!!!



AND THEY'RE MASSACRING THE RICH AND POOR ALIKE TURNING THE COLOSSEUM INTO EVEN MORE OF A BLOOD BATH THAN THE AUDIENCE WERE EXPECTING



AS EVERYONE FLEES IN TERROR AND DAARIO STARTS FIGHTING A HARPY WITH A SPEAR SLASHING HIS CHEST WITH HIS SICKLE AND DANY WATCHES HER UNSULLIED KILLING THE HARPIES BUT THERE'S TOO MANY OF THEM THAT START DOGPILING THEM AS DAARIO KILLS ANOTHER AND HIZZY SEES HIM LOOKING AT HIM SO HE YELLS "YOUR GRACE, COME WITH ME, I KNOW A WAY OUT!" BUT A HARPY STABS HIM IN THE CHEST!!! OH FUGGG!!! AND DAARIO CUTS HIM DOWN BEFORE HE CAN GET AT DANY AND JORAH CLIMBS UP AND KILLS ANOTHER



and he just looks at Daario like "we good bro?" and Daario looks back like "what spy thing homie fuck it duuuuude" and he walks up to Dany and offers her his hand in this sea of complete carnage like he'd spend however long in hell for her and she takes his hand as he escorts her down off the VIP platorm



with her giving Hizzy's corpse one last glance, ok I guess he wasn't in on it lmao, what a useless character that did nothing, and Tyrion cowars behind a pillar and Missy does too but when A HARPIE COMES AT MISSY... TYRION STABS HIM IN THE BACK AND SLITS HIS FUCKING THROAT WITH A KNIFE



AND TAKES HER DOWN INTO THE FIGHTING PIT AS THE HARPIES AND THE UNSULLIED SLAUGHTER EACH OTHER AND JORAH TAKES THEM INTO THE FIGHTERS ENTRANCE BUT THE DOOR CLOSES AND A HARPIE POPS OUT SO JORAH RAMS HIM THROUGH AND DAARIO REALIZES THEY NEED TO TAKE "THE OTHER SIDE, FOLLOW ME" BUT THE FIGHTING PIT IS CHOCK FULL OF CIVILIANS BEING MURDERED AND UNSULLIED AND HARPIES FIGHTING



AND HE SCREAMS "PROTECT YOUR QUEEN!" AND THE UNSULLIED FALL INTO FORMATION AROUND THEM AS DANY GRABS FOR MISSYS HAND AND TYRION RUNS AS FAST AS HIS TINY LEGS CAN CARRY HIM BUT FROM THE OTHER EXIT THEY SEE... AN ARMY OF HARPIES STREAMING TOWARDS THEM!!! FUCKING ESCORT MISSIONS!!!



and some dramatic as fuck horn music starts sounding as the Harpies jump down from every angle into the fighting pit like some Matrix Reloaded shit until there's a 100 of them surrounding only 12 Unsullied surrounding Tyrion, Missy and Dany being protected by Daario and Jorah and they all look around realizing this is it as the surviving audience scramble to climb up the stairs to escape as every Harpie member is not focusing on surrounding their target and the Harpies start testing the Unsullied slashing at them but he gets a spear through his chest and Jorah realizes they can get through the gaps so comes forward to kill a harpie getting too close and a big harpie punches an Unsullied out the way but gets a spear from another one who drops dead in front of a terrified Tyrion and Jorah kills another one who tries to run by and Daario kills another but a harpie manages to knife one of the Unsullied and rushes Dany but Daario cuts him down too and Tyrion starts hyperventilating as he's never been in this agonizing position of being just close enough to dying to see it coming a few seconds away and as Daario takes out every Harpie to come near him Missy looks to Dany knowing what will probably happen to them if they defeat the men and Daario is struggling to keep up with the Harpies that keep coming forward and forward and Dany realizes it's over the second they realize they just need to all charge at once and takes Missy's hand and they close their eyes together ready for whatever comes



but... there's a roar in the distance... and Dany turns around and everyone looks up even the Harpies when they hear... a long ass fucking scary roar and the entire colosseum goes completely silent, even the injured civilians stop crying in pain to look up in the sky to see...



A FIREBALL ERUPTS AND OUT OF IT HURTLES THE NOW MASSIVE BLACK DRAGON FLYING INTO THE ARENA AND TYRIONS JAW DROPS AS DROGON CIRCLES THE AMPHITHEATRE



AND ALL THE SONS OF HARPIES ABSOLUTELY SHIT THEIR PANTS AND DROGON LANDS ON ONE CRUSHING HIM LIKE A FUCKING JET FIGHTER PUTTING DOWN IT'S WHEELS AND ROARS



AND DANY SMILES LIKE OH YOU GUYS ARE IN TROUBLE NOW AND A HARPIE RUNS AT THEM AND JORAH AND DAARIO GO TO INTERCEPT



BUT HE'S RUNNING FOR HIS FUCKING LIFE AS DROGON BITES INTO HIS ENTIRE UPPER TORSO



AND HE WHIPS HIS HEAD BACK AND FOURTH LIKE SOME WILLOW SMITH SHIT WITH A SHOE COMING OFF FOR EXTREME ULTRA REALISM



(SHOUTOUT TO LIVELEAK) TEARING THE GUY CLEAN IN HALF SENDING HIS BOTTOM HALF FLYING INTO THE SEATS OH FUCK!!!



AND THE HARPIES BRICK IT WHEN THE GUYS HEAD LANDS NEAR THEM AND DROGON JUST LETS LOOSE A JET OF FIRE IMMOLATING HALF A DOZEN OF THEM



AND HE TURNS TO AN UNSULLIED TAKING ON FOUR HARPIES AND JUST UNLOADS HIS FLAMING BREATH ON ALL FIVE OF THEM MAKING THEM ALL DIE SHRIEKING IN AGONY



TALK ABOUT FRIENDLY FIRE!!!



AND A HARPIE THROWS A SPEAR INTO DROGON'S BACK AND HE INSTANTLY HOPS AROUND LIKE A GIANT BAT AND UNLOADS HIS FLAMETHROWER INTO ALL THE HARPIES BEHIND HIM



AND KEEPS SPITTING IT OUT AS HE TURNS AROUND STRAFING AN ENTIRE QUARTER OF THE FIGHTING PIT CATCHING FLEEING CIVILIANS WHO ROLL AROUND SCREAMING TRYING TO PUT THEIR BURNING ROBES OUT



AND MORE HARPIES THROW SPEARS AT HIM BUT HE JUST GRABS ONE IN HIS MOUTH AND SLAMS HIM DEAD INTO THE GROUND



and Dany can tell this is getting even more fucked so screams "Drogon!" and starts walking towards him as Jorah and Daario kill harpies simultaneously either side of her



and Dany pulls out a spear from Drogon's back and HE TURNS AROUND AND SCREAMS IN DANY'S FACE



but without any fire and everyone looks terrified but she just stands there not flinching as he hollers in pain but when the relief hits he realizes his mother he imprinted on straight out of the egg 5 years ago is helping him tilts his head and blinks at her like a friendly dog and after flying way the last time Dany puts out her hand to touch him as if she's accepting her family heritage and her own destiny as she reaches to love this monstrous killing machine



BUT A SPEAR HITS HIM OUT OF NOWHERE AND DROGON ROARS AT THE HARPIES AND DAARIO THROWS A SPEAR INTO ANOTHER ONE TRYING TO THROW A SPEAR AT THE DRAGON and Jorah sees Dany realizing what she has to do now she knows he accepts her as an adult as still his mother DANY CLIMBS ONTOP OF THE DRAGONS BACK AS HE ROARS TERRITORIALLY



and she orders "Valahd" which I guess is "fly" as DROGON CHARGES FORWARD SCATTERING THE HARPIES AWAY FROM HER MEN AS HE STARTS DOING A RUNNING TAKE-OFF TO...



TAKE FLIGHT INTO THE AIR WITH DANY RIDING HIM LIKE SOME GIANT HORSE AND SOARS AWAY TAKING HER TO SAFETY



AS TYRION, JORAH, DAARIO AND MISSY STARE UP AFTER THEM IN AMAZEMENT WELCOME TO MEEREEN BITCH



ok could have let them get on too maybe, well that was pretty dank well done adventure fodder and while the CIA for her flying off on the dragon was pretty obviously greenscreen with them not really selling the insane movement she'd be under they could have really done more wind machines on her and put her on some riding bull jostling up and down as far as it would go since that'd be what it was like but I liked how there were her own soldiers and civvies getting caught in the literal cross-fire since it's like real life heavy weapons you think oh if we have this huge war machine that can blow the fuck out of anything then surely we will win and the war will end sooner but in reality the more power you can except the more random people get blown the fuck away too lmao, although speaking of politics it's a bit fucking retarded that Dany didn't bring load more Unsullied to protect her since obviously she'd be surrounded by people who might lose support of her if something goes wrong with the games and it's a bit retarded how severely underwritten the Harpies are since like we don't even know their religion and all we know about them is they are paid by masters who want slavery back or something even though they're depicted as like truly dedicated to their cause and could be anyone as if they're literally ye olde alt-righters who put on their v for vendetta masks to own the libs epic style and bring back slavery or something and once again Dany just bungles her way into another situation and oh so conveniently blind fucking luck saves her, like it's literally random chance Drogon happened to be there and heard violence and came to look, unless we're meant to think she has magic powers to summon her dragons when in distress, which is even more fucking contrived, but Dany lives in a bubble of Mary Sueness where nothing bad can ever happen to her and she'll never have to do anything smart in her entire life because random chance will always be on her side





Game of Thrones 5x10: "Mother's Mercy"
slut walk special edition
First aired: June 14, 2015

we open on the Red Lady watching some icicles melting with wide eyes as she goes to tell Stannis who's strapping into his armor that Allah has blessed them with melting snow and assures him her visions have foretold him winning but he refuses her touch and marches outside and she rushes after him with it probably clicking that if Stannis actually does win... she's not needed anymore... and he's interrupted by a man who nervously tells him in front of the Red Lady that they had many deserters before dawn WOW MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T MURDER YOUR OWN 12 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IN FRONT OF YOUR FOLLOWERS HUH? and he breaks the news that it was nearly half the men, "all the sellswords with all the horses" oh yeah there were mercenaries there who didn't even get brainwashed into worshipping the Lord of Light so they were like uhhhhhh what the fuck is going on here, peace out fam, and Stannis glares at the Red Lady like he's about to kill her for making him burn Shireen for nothing and another man walks up with more bad news and he grumbles "speak up, can't be worse than mutiny" but the man isn't so sure and takes Stannis to see HIS WIFE HAS HUNG HERSELF IN THE WOODS!!! OH NO NO NO NO HAHAHAHAHAAHAH LOOK AT WHAT'S AROUND HER HEAD!!! that's what you get for following a religion you dumb faggot and Stannis stares in shock at her as the men whisper gossiping about something behind them and he orders her cut down but another guard tells him even more bad news that the Red Lady was just seen riding out of camp oh nono nonononoonononono lmao JUST FUCK MY WAR EFFORT UP FAM she can smell the bullshit coming better than anyone else and just did a runner and Stannis starts turning around to look at the direction of his enemies realizing he's got absolutely nothing to lose now and insists "get the men marching, onward to Winterfell" and storms off, what an absolutely assassinated character, bravo



then Jon is telling Sam about how the White Walker King instantly raised an army of tens of thousands, the biggest in the world, and Sam asks "so what are you gonna do?" and Jon quips "I'm gonna hope they don't learn how to climb The Wall" and Sam asks about the dragonglass but Jon says they left it behind and he mentions his sword Longclaw managing to kill them, ok, I think there's a difference between... the White Walkers, who are like the old pale blue mini-boss guys, and the undead people they reanimate are not called White Walkers since you can kill them with just blunt force trauma or at least make them a non-threat by dismembering them enough and they're just like normal zombies and I guess the implication is actual White Walkers are impossible to kill other than with dragonglass or now Longclaw but that's never been demonstrated and maybe all White Walkers can reanimate zombies but it's like only their King can convert a living human directly into another White Walker or something like that which is why he wants the babbys, anyway Sam says Longclaw is Valyrian steel hmmmmmm maybe Brie and whoever has Joffrey's sword could kill them then and Jon beats himself up for being the first ever Lord Commander to sacrafive brothers for wildlings and Sam says no matter how hated he is they'll still be mates so they drink to that and he requests that he send him, Gilly and the baby to Oldtown so he can become a maester and suggests Edd be his new adviser but Jon's not too sure about that lul and Sam says if he becomes a maester he can be so much more help for the coming war and he doesn't want Gilly and her son and him to die there "which means the last thing I'll see in this world is the look in her eyes as I've failed them, and I'd rather see a thousand White Walkers than see that" and Jon sighs as he realizes Sam is as mindfucked by love as he once was and Sam can tell his friend is giving in so thanks him and Jon reminds him the Citadel will make him swear off women too and Sam instantly jokes "they can try!" and Jon realizes Sam is no longer an incel and asks "Sam-you'd just been beaten half to death how did you..." and Sam chuckles "oh very carefully!" and they both give each other cheeky grins like they're two teenage boys again and Jon jokes "glad the end of the world is working out for someone" and they drink to Sam promising to come back, then in the morning Jon gives a tired wave to Sam, Gilly and the babby as they ride out... leaving Jon with no fr, well, Edd

then we see Stannis and his pathetic little army marching through the tundra with everyone panting and straining to keep going other than Stannis who looks extremely determined as he knows he's fucked and they're all going to die but if it's all over he'll go out swinging and inside Winterfell the Bolton's men are busy preparing defences when we see SANSA USING THE CORKSCREW SHE POCKETED TO PICK HER LOCK oooh clever girl I had forgotten about that and just assumed she'd attack Ramsay with it, clever inversion of the le sneakily grabbing a weapon trope, and she sneaks through the castle in a black cloak and by sneak through the castle I mean literally walk out into the courtyard hoping no one notices her and then we see Podrick coming out of the woods with a rabbit when he hears men yelling down in the woods and he drops his prey and some sticks to rush to warn Brie who's just sitting there staring at Winterfell and he tells her that Stannis is coming and he's 100% sure it's him since "he's carrying his flaming heart banners from the Blackwater... I'll never forget it"



and Brie looks horrified as she realizes that her chance for revenge is here and might be lost at any time and she stares at the broken tower praying she'll see something as Sansa rushes up it but Brie leaves... just as Sansa lights the candle in it, and with Stannis he's ordering where to dig trenches for the siege but his new second in command frankly tells him "there's not going to be a siege Your Grace" as he walks off and Stannis turns to see THE MASSIVE BOLTON CAVALRY RIDING TOWARDS HIS PATHETIC LITTLE ARMY



and Sansa watches from the broken tower at how doomed one of her few chances of escape from nightly rape is and Stannis' actor does a great job of depicting him thinking about retreating, remembering he has nothing to retreat to and deserves to die anyway and deciding he'll die a warrior's death which has been his true purpose all along and STANNIS UNSHEATHES HIS SWORD AND STARTS WALKING TOWARDS THE THOUSANDS STRONG CAVALRY



THAT STARTS MOVING IN AROUND HIS FAR SMALLER FORCES AND SANSA'S JAW DROPS AS THE CAVALRY DOES A PINCER MOVEMENT CHARGING STRAIGHT INTO STANNIS ARMY



and then later with Stannis forces presumably pushed back into the woods there are dead men with lacerations and arrows in them strewn around with one man who's had seemingly both legs hacked off refusing to die crawling along on just his arms struggling to pull his torso through the mud and we pan to see the only other survivor... is Stannis who's forcing himself to stand with his sword when two Bolton soldiers casually walk up to the legless man who begs for mercy and they instantly kill him and Stannis limps to turn himself around to see the two soldiers who smile as they see they're going to be the ones to kill their enemy King



THE TWO SOLDIERS ATTACK STANNIS BUT HE DEFLECTS BOTH THEIR BLADES STILL MOVING ALMOST TWICE AS FAST AS THEY CAN BUT ONE SLITS HIS LEG AND HE SWINGS HIS SWORD WILDLY FORCING ONE TO DODGE BACK SO HE'S FREE TO SKEWER THE OTHER ONE THROUGH



GRABS A DAGGER OFF HIS BELT AND PLUNGE IT INTO THE SECOND ONE'S BRAINSTEM



WATCHING THE LIFE INSTANTLY LEAVE HIS EYES



as she slumps over even more injured and gives a long frustrated growl as he's not standing back up on that leg and is done fighting but then he looks up as another soldier in armor marches up ready to meet his killer and he asks "Bolton has women fighting for him?" and IT'S BRIE who announces "I don't fight for the Boltons... I'm Brienne of Tarth, I was Kingsguard to Renly Baratheon, I was there when he was murdered by a shadow with your face, you murdered him with blood magic?" and for the first time in the show and probably for decades Stannis shows fear on his face, not to die but as he remembers he murdered his own brother in an unnatural evil way and that was only the start of his cowardice, and he admits "I did" and looks up as Brie half-unsheathes her sword and announces "in the name of Renly of House Baratheon, First of his Name, rightful King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm, I, Brienne of Tarth, sentence you to die"



and Stannis just cringes as he realizes this is it, he burned his own daughter for fucking nothing and that Red Cunt bullshitted him probably the entire time, and Brie asks "do you have any last words?" and Stannis struggles to think of something but just goes with "go on, do your duty"



so at least someone can have some honor here and Brie looks almost... disappointed that he's not some snarling evil monster, but SHE SWINGS HER SWORD (PRESUMABLY) KILLING STANNIS his fanboys insist since he didn't die on camera she spared him by doing the le I just swung at le tree by your le head meme but no he's RIP, nice good character that was hastily ruined in his last two episodes lmao and nice contrivance that Brie happens to find him in amongst an entire battle



then we cut straight to Ramsay tearing his sword out of a survivor he was murdering and announces "looks like we're done here!" but uh ooooooh a man starts groaning in pain and Ramsay gets a big grin as he gets to hurt one more person and the injured man begs "I surrender! I surrender!" and Ramsay says "and I accept your surrender"



but then RAMSAY PLUNGES HIS SWORD INTO THE INJURED MANS SPINE WITH A HUGE GRIN AS HE TWISTS IT MAKING SURE HE DIES IN PAIN EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 104



and gives a satisfied sigh as if he just got laid and announces "let's get back, my wife must be lonely!" and we cut to Sansa realizing the candle plan didn't work and rushing up the stairs avoiding soldiers rushing about but she's stopped by MYRANDA AIMING A BOW AND ARROW AT HER and Reek is with her as she gloats "m'lady, I've come to escort you back to your chamber" and Reek stairs vacantly at the ground and begs "go with her, please" as he knows what Ramsay could do to her and Sansa realizes this is it she's only got herself to save her now no one came for the candle and tells Myranda "I know what Ramsay is... I know what he'll do to me... if I'm going to die... let it happen while there's still some of me left" talking... more to Reek than her... and she gets a huge grin and chirps "die? who said anything about dying? you can't die, your father was Warden of the North and Ramsay needs you" and lowers her bow and Sansa isn't sure what this crazy bitch will do but then Myranda adds with Reek whimpering beside her as he already knows what she means "although I suppose he doesn't need all of you, just the parts he'll use to make his heir, until you've given him a boy or two and he's finished using them, then... he's got incredible plans for those parts"



and aims her bow and arrow at her womb as Reek starts shivering but not from the cold and Myranda asks "so... will we wait for him to come back or should we begin now?" and Sansa just stares at her as Myranda drolls "oh you're leaving it to me? good... lets begin" and aims the bow at her arm but REEK GRABS HER AND THROWS HER OFF THE BALCONY AS SHE SHRIEKS "REEK! STOOAAAAAAIIIIEEEEE-"



AS HER HEAD SMASHES AGAINST THE GROUND!!! THOT STATUS: PATROLLED!!! INCELS RISE UP!!!



rip Myranda she was a good waifu, if only her and Ramsay switched places I would never stop jerking to this show, and Sansa and Reek... or Theon? stare down in amazement, I spoiled this for myself like 4 years ago but it's still a good shock since you assume when he finally rebels it'll be against Ramsay so you get a nice twist but also a good heroic moment where he gave up on himself long ago but what makes him rebel is to save someone else from ending up like him so in some fucked up way losing being Theon made him lose being a selfish evil person too and "Reek" is more heroic than he ever was just in that one instance, and it also goes into a theme I heard GRRM talk about where in most fantasy stories the heroes are hansom good looking dashing hunks and the villains are all disgusting hideous monsters but in GoT the most attractive characters, the Lannister's, are horrible, the pretty Targ's are psychotic and the charming when they need to be Bolton's are psychopaths, but the most moral character is a dwarf and characters are redeemed and build moral character after becoming disabled or disfigured in undesirable ways like Jaime losing his hand, Bran losing his legs and Theon losing his big benis, which is interesting as an inversion of most of storytelling history as the other being ugly and inherently evil but honestly a lot of modern stories have attractive people also being evil since they are written by insecure beta incel jews who hate Chad when in real life you get shitty attractive people who've never had to question themselves but also good pretty people who are as nice to everyone as everyone is nice to them and ugly people who try harder to be likeable and ugly people who have a big chip on their shoulder and it doesn't seem to matter much but it's some sort of kino, anyway then a horn blows ordering the front gate to open and loads of soldiers ride in and R... no... Theon says "he's coming back!" and takes Sansa even further up the castle and starts to climb over looking down at a massive drop into the snow that should kill them but... THEON TAKES SANSAS HAND AND THEY NOD TO EACH OTHER DECIDING TO LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD AS THEY LEAP OFF



then we cut to Trent who's all sweaty in a dark room fiddling with something in his hands and looks directly into the camera and breathes hard as he stands up revealing he has a cane and he goes towards... three young girls... who can only be about 9... and he paces around the room and TRANT WHIPS THE LITTLE GIRL'S ASS AND ENJOYS HER SCREAMING EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 105



AND HE WHIPS THE SECOND ONES ASS AND WAITS FOR HER TO FINISH CRYING EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 106



AND WHIPS THE THIRD... TO NO REACTION... and he steps in front of her and TRANT WHIPS THE THIRD GIRL IN THE CHEST... TO NO REACTION... and the two other girls look over in confusion as TRANT WHIPS HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CANE... BUT IT SNAPS! and he growls "I can see I have my work cut out for me... you two... out" and the othe two girls flee and the girl parts her hair to reveal... THE LITTLE GIRL WHO DRANK FROM THE POISON WELL (I don't recognize her at all but I am just assuming that's who she is because of the way this story beat is filmed as something relevent lmao) and TRANT SUCKER PUNCHES HER IN THE STOMACH EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 107



and she drops down gagging and gasping and Trent gets a smile as he finally gets a reaction but when the girl stops too soon he looks down mad and then confused as... THE GIRL PULLS OFF HER WIG REVEALING... *MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME STARTS UP* ARYA!



WHO DIVES AT TRANT STABBING HIM IN THE EYE WITH HER CLAM KNIFE AND HE SCREAMS LIKE AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHH



AS SHE STABS OUT HIS OTHER EYE AND HE STARTS HOLLARING AS ARYA STUFFS A RAG IN HIS MOUTH AND HE STARTS GRABBING AT HER SO SHE STARTS STABBING HIM IN THE CHEST OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND GETS OFF LEAVING HIM TO ROLL OVER AND GARGLE IN HIS OWN BLOOD EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 108



and she tells him "you were the first person on my list you know, for killing Syrio Forel, remember him?" yeah I don't remember either lmao, oh wait, it was her dancing teacher that was probably Jaqen anyway, and he gets to his knees clutching his chest leaking blood all over the floor and she goes on "I've gotten a few of the others, The Many-Faced God stole a few more from me... but I'm glad he left me you" and she kneels down beside him and asks "do you know who I am?" and he mumbles through the rag unable to even look at her with his eyes destroyed so she says "I cant hear you" and STABS HIM IN THE GUT and stands up saying "you know who I am, I'm Arya Stark" and when he stops moaning SHE STABS HIM IN THE BACK



and takes the rag out and she asks "do you know who you are?" and he just whimpers as Arya tells him "you're no one, you're nothing" and ARYA SLITS MERYN TRANT'S THROAT letting him slump over dead, I guess doing the identity theme as now he really is no one and nothing as he's fucking dead,



ok that was extremely edgy and the fucking pedo sadism shit makes me wonder about the normies who watch this lmao I mean I'm exposed to people talking about molesting kids daily on 4chan but surely this sends normies into a PTSD meltdown as their repressed childhood trauma memories are resurfaced or something, maybe this was just as the show was getting insanely popular because I only remember memes being spewed out constantly about this season finale and not the last one since that was actually uhhhh very good writing and acting of a son killing his father like some shakesperian shit and not the TV version of clickbait where something frokin ebin has to happen involving dragons and uh pedophilia so the writers hadn't realized that they're not just reenacting an old obese american mans wank fantasies on their obscure cable tv channel no one but boomers actually pay for but are now SHOWING LITERAL SOFTCORE S&M CHILD PORN AND A PEDO GETTING HIS EYES STABBED OUT TO HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE



it reminds me of extremely edgy comic Crossed where they go whole hog but for legal reasons can't show children being raped, killed yes, but not raped, and it's very obvious they want to show it so so so so bad but legally can't, so they can only have a pedo whipping kids not fucking them lmao, but at least they're normalizing incest have to thank them for that

then in the massive catacomb of harvested faces which is just fucking dumb and like some magical version of the bullshit from Mission Impossible where they always have to do the rubber mask gag but even more stupid we see Arya try to sneak the girls face back but Jaqen and the cunty girl, who I'm sure Jaqen will kill in le ebin twist or something to side with Arya, catches her and he whines "a girl has taken a life... the wrong life" and the cunty girl rubs it in "I was right about her, you're not ready" and I guess the meme earlier was Arya gets whipped with a cane during her training so much she's immune to what Trant was doing to her lol and the cunty girl grabs Arya's arm and holds her to Jaqen who admonishes her saying "that man's life was not yours to take, a girl stole from The Many-Faced God, now a debt is owed, only death can pay for life" and ooh yes I remember this and he takes out a bottle of poison and Arya bricks it as... JAQEN DRINKS THE POISON... AND SLUMPS OVER DEAD?!?!? ok I didn't remember that lmao



wasn't there something about him blinding her, oh wait the meme is going to be he can even appear as the little girl or something and that was another assassin or something he got to merc themselves to scare her, and Arya screams over his body "NO YOU DONT DIE DONT DIE!" and the cunty girl asks "why are you crying?" and she squeals "he was my friend!" and the girl explains "no he wasn't, didn't you liste?" and then it turns to Jaqen's voice "he was no one" riiiiiiiiight so he can shapeshift even his body, ebinnnnnn, and then she asks who this dead guy in her arms is and he says "no one at all, just as a girl should have been before she took a face from the hall" but since Jaqen... or someone using that persona... is standing right there while she holds that face in her arms that means that maybe that's not his real face and they're using a dead persons face... but it means they can at least make copies of faces, which opens up a whole new can of autism that multipul people can now be in multiple places, absolute plothole armagadon and ARYA PULLS JAQEN'S FACE OFF THE BODY TO REVEAL AN OLD LADY as Jaqen explains "the faces are for no one" and ARYA PULLS THE OLD LADY'S FACES OFF TO REVEAL A YOUNG MAN as Jaqen tells her "you are still someone" since she wanted personal revenge and ARYA PULLS THE YOUNG MAN'S FACE OFF TO REVVEAL AN OLD MAN'S and she gasps idk if I'm meant to recognize him this is fucking retarded this is probably some fucking ebinnnnnnnnnnn twist where these are characters she met throughout that were all agents testing her or something but I just don't care this storyline is even worse than Dany THERE I SAID IT THE ARYA STORYLINE IS WORSE THAN DANYS AND THIS IS FUCKING STUPID



ARYA PULLS THE OLD MAN'S FACE OFF REVEALING A BROWN WOMAN AND PULLS HER FACE OFF REVEALING REVEALING ANOTHER OLD MAN AND PULLS HIS FACE OFF REVEALING... HER FACE!!! OH SO THEY CAN COPY A LIVING PERSON?!??!! SHOW COMPLETELY RUINED FOREVER!!!!!!!!!! HOW DO WE KNOW ANYONE IS ANYONE THEN?!?!?!?! FUCKING DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMB and how do these masks even work? they're just... enchanted pieces of cloth that show a persons face? they come away and stack like silk cloth and not like a solid piece of skin or rubber, so it's just muh magic with no reasoning behind it, why even imply like they're harvesting dead people's faces when they can replicate a living persons? absolutely retarded



and Jaqen memes "and to someone... the faces are as good as poison" wow ecinnnnnnnn you mean like the poison you just had someone you spent years training take to make some dumb point lmao? and Arya stares down in horror at herself and from literal magic she screams I CANT SEE! as her vision goes dark and she screams "what's happening? WHAT'S HAPPENING?!?!" as her eyes go white as ARYA GOES BLIND right ebin, what a great storyline that was really worth spending an entire season with her slooooowly cleaning floors and slooooowling cleaning bodies and slooooowly seeing the masks and sloooooowly being given a mission so she can kill a comedically evil character and then to lose the like 1 step of progress she made lmao very satisfying stuff and not completely fucking absurd and boring lmao imagine how fucking frustrating this would have been to watch over the course of 10 fucking weeks and not just 5 days weeeeeew laaaaaaaaad



then in Dorne after absolutely fucking nothing at all has happened with this storyline in any way shape or form other than like... Bronn got slapped.... but it's taken 10 fucking episodes for Myrcella to kiss on the cheek Doran goodbye and for him to wish Jaime a safe journey home and he looks at Elly insisting that she apologize to Myrcella and wish her happiness and ELLY KISSES MYRCELLA ON THE LIPS goodbye uhhhh I guess that's appropriate in some cultures uhhh I'll let her have it without edge



and she smiles awkwardly at her and Jaime steps down with his daughterniece into a fancy boat and Bronn flirts with the short haired Sand Snake "maybe I'll come visit you sometime" and she flirts back "maybe I'll come visit you" and Bronn tells her "don't wait too long, I got a noble woman to marry back home" and the short haired girl purrs into his hear "YOU WANT A GOOD GIRL, BUT YOU NEED THE BAD PUSSY" AND SHE BITES HIS EAR and Bronn just smiles at her as Jaime sarcastically yells "whenever you're ready my lord!" so he just gives the Dorne cast a knowing look and leaves, I saw that line memed a lot but I assumed it was her trying to get under someones skin just like how I thought the memes of her flashing her tits were of her tricking a guard or something but instead of it being le feminine wiles she is literally just genuinely flirting with Bronn which makes it very lame and pointless since uhhh yeah he's a rough and tumble killer too and they probably would make a good couple with no edgy undertones of her trying to corrupt a decent man or something



and then on the official Dornish boat they've been given to sail home Jaime is giving Myrcella her necklace back and tells her he's sorry she has to leave but her mother misses her and he's glad Trysten is coming since he seems like a nice boy and shrugs his shoulder saying "you're lucky, arranged marriages are rarely so... well arranged" and Myrcella nervously asks "do you think mother will like him?" and Jaime, not having any experience being a father, tries to lie "if she she sees you're happy I'm sure she will" and she laughs "do you really believe that?" and Jaime admits "have you ever known your mother to like anyone aside from her children?" and his daughter smiles "she likes you" and he mumbles "I doubt that" and then sits down to tell her "there's something I've been meaning to tell you, something I should have told you long ago... so... now that you've seen more of the world you've learned how complicated things can be, people can be, the Lannisters and the Martells have hated each other for years but you've fell in love with Trystane, it was an accident really, I mean what are the chances? you happened to fall in love with the man you were assigned to marry" and she giggles at how lucky she is oh poor girl what she's about to hear lmao and Jaime goes on "me point is we dont choose who we love, we just-well-its beyond our control-oh I sound like an idiot, what I'm trying and failing to say is-" but Myrcella cuts him off saying "I know what you're trying to say" and Jaime insists "I'm afraid you don't" but she stands up and says "I do" and takes his hand, inb4 she says some shit like I know you fancy me and starts making out with him, but she just holds his hand and says "I know... about you and mother, I think a part of me always knew..." and Jaime looks utterly terrified to be outed and that this is the first moment of his relationship with his daughter but she finishes "and I'm glad... I'm glad that you're my father" and his eyes well up with happy tears as she hugs him and he puts his head on her and has to hug her with his golden hand but it's all alright as he holds her and knows he'll do anything to protect her but then..



Myrcella starts breathing heavily... and BLOOD RUNS OUT OF MYRCELLAS NOSE AND SHE COLLAPSES IN JAIMES ARMS...



ELLARIA KILLED HER WITH POISONED LIPSTICK!!! EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 109 BUT IT POISONED HER TOO SO SHE WAS WILLING TO DIE TO KILL A 15 YEAR OLD GIRL and her daughter hands her a cloth not surprised as if she knew before hand and Elly cleans her nose off... but then PLUCKS A VIAL FROM HER NECKLACE AND TAKES THE ANTIDOTE I was literally thinking ok it's a good twist that she dies to get revenge so it's not so generic and then Jaime has no one directly responsible to lash out at but no, she survives which makes you think why doesn't everyone just do that to all their enemies and why won't Jaime just go fucking murder Elly since Doran clearly doesn't like her, in fact does Jaime not know how reasonably Doran is? why would they think he approves of the death threats? just send him a fucking letter lmao, and why is Elly so fucking psychotic to risk taking her entire country to war and her own daughter getting killed to avenge a fucking moron who willingly entered a fight to the death? what an absolute bullshit little video game meme storyline for an entire season where something only finally happens to a character we barely knew in the last scene of it which was only saved because the dude who plays Jaime is so good and the fucking SAND SNAKES OH ME TGUCCJGIG GGOD WHAT WERE THEY THINKIGN WHAT WAS GRRM THINKING IF THIS IS IN THE BOOKS GET BACK TO FUCKING XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS FROM 1998 WITH THIS SHIT ALL THAT BUILD-UP AND THEY'RE FUCKING SHIT AT FIGHTING LMAO WHAT THE FUGGGGCKKK you know what I'm glad Tywin died because that means he wasn't around for this season to fuck his character up lmao



then in Dany's throne room Daario is awkwardly cracking his nuckles as Jorah and Tyrion sit there in silence having somehow gotten out of the fighting pit and Tyrion asks "you love her don't you?" and both Jorah and Daario look up and Tyrion tells them a disgraced knight and a sellsword are not fit consrots and lamets "but we always want the wrong woman" and Daario sighs "does he always talk so much?" and Jorah nods and then Missy brings in Grey Worm who was recovering from the attack on him and he gets huffy about Jorah being there and Daario has to assure him he saved Dany and Missy agrees and admits that she'd be dead too if not for the "little man" but Tyrion reveals he speaks Valryrian and corrects her "dwarf, I believe that's the word" ok so I guess they don't say Little Person™ in this world yet and he accidentally says his Valyrian is a bit "nasil" but Missy corrects "rusty" which would be a suitable word actually if he's talking about accent and Grey Worm apologizes for not being there but Jorah says they need to go find Dany... not including him! saying his family is being overthrown and he's fought for her for years and Tyrion yells at him not to blame him for his crimes and Daario tells them they're both right and they'll only find out what Dany wants when they find them and Tyrion quips Jorah better not kill him in his sleep and Jorah edgily says "if I ever kill you your eyes will be wide open" and Daario condescendingly asks why they'd bring Tyrion as he can't track, fight or ride and just talks and Tyrion insists "and drink, look I've survived so far!" but Daario isn't impressed but suggests he'd be best handling Meereen and Jorah points out they wouldn't listen to him and he suggests Grey Worm stays as "he's the toughest man with no balls I ever met" and Missy agrees the Unsullied can only keep the peace and Daario says Missy should stay too so leaves just with Jorah, that was a long ass conversation to get to the point that yeah, the two guys who are combat ready should be the ones to go find Dany, which I guess is the entirety of season 6 lmao some dumb quest to find Dany while Tyrion now has his own city to run, and the subtitles say ( dragon screches ) in the distance but I'm not sure it's absolutely meant to be that then on the city walls Tyrion watches Jorah and Daario leaves as VARYS appears behind him memeing at him that "the birds sing in the west, the birds sing in the east if one knows how to listen" and compliments him for finding favor with the Mother of Dragons and he complains about how now it's his job to placate a city on the verge of civil war and Varys gives him the advice that he needs information on his enemies and allies and Tyrion drolls "if only I knew someone with a vast network of spies" and Varys drolls back "if only" and he implies that the state of Meereen being similar to King's Landing expertly talking Tyrion into placing him as his spymaster and Tyrion smiles "oh I did miss you" and Varys smiles "I know"



then we finally see Dany on the top of a mountain overlooking a lovely mountain region and she turns to see... Drogo is all fucked up from infections from his spear wounds despite her letting him gorge himself on various farm animals with thankfully no human skulls in there and she tells him "we have to go home, oh my poor thing, does it hurt? we have to go home... Drogon? can you take me back to Meereen?" but Drogon is exhausted and just closes his eyes and starts napping as she pets him and wonders "how far did you carry me?"



and he groans in pain and starts licking a wound on his foot/wing and...wait... wait a second... I... oh no... oh nononononon I JUST REALIZED THAT'S NOT A DRAGON AT ALL!!! IT'S A WYVERN!!! IT'S SMAUG FROM THE HOBBIT MOVIES ALL OVER AGAIN!!! in case you don't know a dragon has four legs and a wyvern only has back legs and walks on his wings like a bat and they changed Smaug in The Hobbit movies because it would save the CGI budget on adding two more legs lmao although in interviews GRRM has explained this by saying it's nore scientifically accurate that way since no animal on earth has four legs + wings which is fine but technically that's not what we called dragons lul anyway Drogon or should that be Wyvoron ignores her as she whines "Drogon we need to return, my people need me!" so she tries climbing on his back and he HISSES in annoyance and when she doesnt get off he starts growling and wriggles around to toss her off and then just slithers along the ground like a snake and thumps his head down and puts it on a wing as he tries to sleep completely out of energy from the battle and Dany laments "well there's no food, at the very least you could hunt us some supper?" but he's already zonked out as shooting so much fire must take up all his energy and Dany stares off into the wilderness wondering wtf she can do since the CGI budget has run out and she can't use her dragon ultimate for another 5 episodes for it to recharge



so she goes wandering through the highlands and then hears... horses riding... and she looks up to see a man on a horse... and notices... a man and his friends are DOTHRAKI RIDERS and she very slyly takes off her ring and drops it to the ground, I guess that was... her wedding ring and she doesn't want them to know she's the widow of another clans leader in case they hated him or something? or trying to hide she's a rich queen now they can hold hostage? she's got a fancy ass necklace on so woops, and then she sees even more Dothraki come from behind and looks over to see SOMEHOW AN ENTIRE ARMY OF DOTHRAKI HAVE SNUCK UP ON HER AND THEY ALL RIDE AROUND HER WHOOPING LIKE POOR LIL WHITE GIRL IN THE DOTHRAKI PLAINS VOL. 8: HORSE COCK APOCOLYPSE wow great the Dothraki, the most one-dimensional generic Mongol rip-offs are back.... epic.......... epi......



I think this is the part of the story in the books where this infamous passage happens



hopefully this is adapted faithfully next season



then we finally see Cersei again cowering in a corner of her cold dark cell when the door opens and the septa comes in and orders "confess... confess" and Cersei looks up swearing to herself she'll get revenge but knows this is the only way out so later confesses to the High Sparrow in a exhausted little girl voice "I have sinned, I see that now, how can I have been so blind for so long? I want to be clean again, I want absolution, The Crone came to me with her lantern raised high and by it's holy light-" but he cuts her off and asks "you wish to make a confession?" and she looks up and asks "once I confess I'll be free?" and realizing he wont tell her when he says "Your Grace will be dealt with according to her sins" she says "The Mother have mercy then... I lay with a man outside the bonds of marriage, I confess" and High Sparrow demands "name him" since all this confession shit the catholic church does is just ye olde data harvesting to profile and blackmail it's members lmao and she says.... "Lancel Lannister" not giving up Jaime and when he talks shit she tries to say "I was lonely and afraid" and when he reminds "you had a husband" Cersei snarls at him "a husband off whoring every chance he-!" but High Sparrow reminds her "his sins do not pardon your own" and Cersei pretends to be repentant again saying "may the gods forgive me" and he pokes "other men?" and she claims "no" and he pushes "no others?" seeing if she'll lie to him about Jaime but she says "no" again and he reminds her "speaking falsehoods before the gods is a great crime, you understand this?" ok I cant hold it back anymore but this guy is a great actor and character and everything but his plot is so fucking lazy lmao he has no climb to power, Cersei just lets him arm his men and he's instantly in power, absolutely fucking retarded and absolutely contrived and he reminds her "there are those that say your children are not by King Robert, that they are bastards born of INCEST and adultery" and Cersei frowns and insists "a lie, a lie from the lips of Stannis Baratheon, he wants the throne, but his brother's children stand in the way so he claims they are not his brother's, that filth, there is not one shred of truth to it, I deny it" and the High Sparrow stares at her saying "good" as if he wants to punish her and explains "but these are terrible charges and the realm must know the truth of them, if Your Grace has given honest testimony your trial will prove your innocence" and Cersei asks "trial? I have confessed" and High Sparrow reveals "to a single sin, others you have denied, your trial will separate the truths from the falsehoods" and Cersei realizes he's going to have her tortured or some shit (which was also a massive part of medieval life, authorities would just torture you into signing a false confession to "prove" you did whatever they wanted, but that's lacking here more than the religion shit) and she begs "I bow to the wisdom of Your High Holiness... but if I might beg... for just one drop of the Mother's mercy... I haven't seen my son... I don't know how long it's been... I need to see him please" and the High Sparrow... permits her to return to the Red Keep and Cersei breaks down crying being given mercy and he tells her to thank The Mother promising she will day and night and the High Sparrow stands up and she asks "am I free to go?" hopefully but he says "after your atonement" and Cersei asks "my atonement?" and he just looks at her sadly with the sad look a father gives his daughter when he needs to punish her but knows she'll understand one day



and then we see... a naked Cersei in a dark dungeon being washed clean by two septas... very roughly... and then turn her around to see her titties in the dark... and the bitchy septa looks on trying to hide her enjoyment of Cersei's body being gone over with rough clothes... and then they sit her down... and the septa tries to keep a straight face as... the septas start cutting her hair off... which is officially a form of torture according to the UN I'm guessing for women more than men since it's fucking with their gender identity which is something that made me realize what trans people must feel like if a cis person can get the same feeling and I can even understand it a bit myself now I've let my hair grow out since it's getting all fucked up and entangled but I don't want to cut it since it feels like a part of my body now and I'd probably find it more distressing if I actually gave a shit what I looked like and had that as apart of my self-image, and they leave the naked Cersei hanging her now short haired head that the septas have "accidentally" let the razer slice into leaving blood trickling down her back and face and the main bitchy septa circles her like a wolf and Cersei looks up as the door opens looking like 20 years fucking older lmao maybe the red pilled retards are right and women shouldn't have short hair since they instantly go from femme to "I want to speak to the manager" soccer mom



and they take her outside wearing a shitty robe to the steps of the Sept and... the streets are 100% full of the poor that have now gathered before it and the High Sparrow calls down "a sinner becomes before you... Cersei of House Lannister... Mother to His Grave King Tommen, Widow of His Grave King Robert, she has committed the acts of falsehood and fornication, she has confessed her sins and begged for forgiveness, to demonstrate her repentance, she will case aside all pride, all artifice, and present herself as the gods made her... to you... the good people of the city... she comes before you with a solemn heart, shorn of secrets, naked before the eyes of gods and men, to make her walk of atonement...." and he looks up expectantly as



THE SEPTAS TEAR DOWN CERSEI'S ROBE, REVEALING HER NAKED BODY TO THE ENTIRETY OF KING'S LANDING EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 110



and everyone gasps and for some reason her legs are shaved lmao and they poke her to step forward out of her robe on the ground and poke her again to walk down the stairs as the bitchy septa starts chanting "SHAME... SHAME... SHAME" and on each third shame she goes rings a bell *DINGALING* and some armed sparrows join them to guard her and make Cersei walk through the crowd as the septa goes "SHAME... SHAME... SHAME" *DINGALING* and the crowd starts murmuring as the "SHAME.. SHAME.. SHAME" *DINGALING*s get faster and faster and some people start yelling "WHORE! WHORE!" until they're yelling at the front of the crowd and man screams in her face "BITCH! BROTHER FUCKER!" and Cersei just endures it making sure she uses this as fuel for her future rage and the crowd start wagging their fingers at her and yelling and a man screams "FUCK OFF!" straight at her like he's always wanted to tell a royal that lmao



and the crowd are all saying "WHORE! BITCH!" at her and a drunk man calls down "ALL HAIL THE ROYAL TITS!" with "SHAME.. SHAME.. SHAME" *DINGALING* all the time



and the citizens start throwing rotten food at her and screaming "CUNT!" and booing her as she gets further into the city and A PROSTITUTE RUNS OUT TEARING HER OWN ROBE OFF AND SCREAMING NAKED AT CERSEI "I'VE HAD HALF AS MANY COCKS AS THE QUEEN!!!" HAAHAHAHAH (I remember when I was describing to Teknorat this episode as I was watching it 4 years ago his reply to being told of that outburst was "that's lisa")



and the sparrows shove her out the way into the crowd and the crowd gets louder screaming "WHORE! SLUT! SINNER!" and they all start laughing and booing getting wilder and wilder and A MAN RUNS DOWN WITH HIS LARGE COCK OUT YELLING "I'M A LANNISTER! SUCK ME OFF! SUCK ME OFF YOU BITCH!" and a Sparrow who can barely keep a straight face which was probably a mistake by the extra but actually a nice touch for the character shoves him back into the crowd



and another man flashes his cock at her and the crowd start throwing maggoty old soup directly at her and laughing in her face as "SHAME.. SHAME.. SHAME" *DINGALING* keeps going and the crowd gets more and more roudy with the Sparrows having to shove them back and A WOMAN SPITS STRAIGHT IN CERSEI'S FACE



and a woman starts trying to get at her screaming "BROTHER FUCKER!" and the Sparrow has to hit her to get her away and as A WOMAN THROWS A CHAMBER POT OF HER OWN SHIT AT HER Cersei starts to tear up but struggles on until stones start hurtling at her making her bleed and she collapses onto her knees as her whole life is so unbarably unfair



and the guards have to beat the crowd back but she looks up at the Red Keep and the determination to see her son again forces her to her feet despite them being bloody from shit being thrown at her and she finally makes her way to the gate being guarded by the City Guards and a man stands in her way that needs to be beaten out the way by a Sparrow and the septa gives one last round of "SHAME.. SHAME.. SHAME" *DINGALING* as Cercsei finally steps over the threshold to her family's personal soldiers and she breaks down crying now she's physically safe as she lumbers in the front door to find HER UNCLE KEVAN AND PYCELLE LOOKING AT HER



and Qyburn, her only ally left, runs up to give her a robe as she breaks down in tears and this old man who doesn't give a fuck about her really tells her "Your Grace, it's good to have you back" and Pycelle gets an evil smile as this bitch who's been harassing him for no reason for years finally gets her comeuppance and Cersei just keeps weeping as her only comfort is some sociopath who just wants her funds and he tells her he needs to examine her especially her bloody feet and then comes... thump... thump... thump... and Qyburn asks "may I have the honor of presenting the newest member of the Kingsguard?" as she looks up to see THE MOUNTAIN'S REANIMATED BODY WEARING THE GOLDEN KINGSGUARD ARMOR... WITH BLOODSHOT EYES AND PALE BLUE SKIN PEAKING OUT FROM THE HELMET



and he doesn't say anything... just stands there breathing hard... and then he scoops Cersei up to carry her away and Qyburn bullshits "if it please Your Grace he has taken a holy vow of silence... he has sworn that he will not speak until all his Grace's enemies are dead... and evil has been driven from the realm" and Cersei gets a maddog look as she starts plotting her revenge, ok when I first saw this episode I assumed Qyburn as one of her accusers and the meme here was whoever this giant zombie fucker was was going to keep her prisoner, but it seems she at least has this one asset left on her side, a giant Mountain zombie bodyguard (who I think is still played by the last actor, with a lot less acting to do now his character is mute and wears a helmet lol) and his blue skin is maybe a hint that Qyburn used whatever the White Walkers use to animate the "wights" as this universe calls it's zombies, I remember when this ep first aired people were saying that from the discolored eyes that it might have been Joffrey's preserved and severed head he put on the powerful body so that it would be extra loyal to Cersei with her son's reanimated brain controlling it or something but I guess not, anyway that whole fucking sequence was fucking retarded, like I already brought up they did shit like this to women who fucked nazis in France after liberation and liveleak is full of modern day Chinese women doing this to women they're love rivals with but these are vigilante actions the idea of this being done to Cersei because an extremely puritanical religion wants to punish her is absurd, she's being accused of sexual degeneracy, doing things you should only do with your husband... so they match her through the city streets naked so everyone can scream obscenities at her and tell her to suck them off and flash their own cocks and titties... wow very consistent and good writing and definitely not an obese 70 year old American man's wank fantasies after spending too much time edging to publicdisgrace.com



then speaking of shit writing we cut to Castle Black where Davos is bitching at Jon to send supplies for the now dead Stannis who was just giving him an excuse to fuck off so he could murder his own daughter in peace and then ran straight to his death lmao great character arc goood stuuuuuff but Jon tells him the wildlings will never fight for Stannis but he insists if they are using their wall and their kingdoms for saftey then they need to fight for them and then... the Red Lady comes through the main door (that they are now opening to anyone... ploooot hooooole) and Jon rushes down asking "Stannis?" to no reply and Davos grabs her as he really wants to know about "Shireen? the princess?" and she just looks sadly at him as if it wasn't all her fucking doing and she didn't bail on them first chance she got and Davos looks completely fucking heart broken like it was his own child dying all over again and in Jon's office he's reading some letters and sighing in grief that this supposed genius battle tactician got completely annihilated by the Boltons yeah almost like he started being written by complete hacks really makes ya think then Olly bursts in saying a wildling told him that his Uncle Benjen is still alive, did we ever even meet this fucker? didn't he go missing beyond The Wall in season 1 lmao? and Jon leaps up and rushes out as hopeful music plays for this character we never saw and don't care about as Jon rushes down to an obvious trap as Alliser tells him "man says he saw your uncle at Hardhome last full moon" isn't that place swarming with zombies lmao and Jon says "could be lying" wow ya don't say and Alliser says "there's ways to find out" and tells Jon he's over there where a bunch of men are standing with flaming torches muttering and Jon barges through to find... A SIGN SAYING "TRAITOR" and absolute fucking idiot brainlet Jon doesn't get what's going on and turns around as



ALLISER STABS JON IN THE CHEST AND EXPLAINS "FOR THE WATCH" EDGY, I LIKE IT COUNT: 111



AND ANOTHER MAN STABS HIM IN THE CHEST AND TELLS HIM "FOR THE WATCH" AND SO DOES A THIRD, A FOURTH AND A FIFTH AND JON... JUST STANDS THERE AWKWARDLY LOOKING AROUND LMAO



before falling to his knees and wheezing and coughing up blood and Olly comes over and Jon looks up realizing he was in on it and Olly looks down at him with disapointment and anger and upset and Jon tries to beg "Olly..." but EVEN OLLY STABS HIM AND SAYS "FOR THE WATCH"



and Jon, having his heart broken literally and metaphorically, just gives up and slumps down, and the kid playing Olly does a really good job of playing a boy who's been through a lot of strife but not quite enough to kill his old hero in cold blood without it upsetting him but he considers himself a man now who has to make tough decisions like Sam said and Jon's jaw twitches as he bleeds to death on the snow



alright uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I honestly do not know what the fuck they were thinking doing this other than le shock ending since like yeah it would actually be hela dank if they killed of Jon for real here and then Sam took over as the protagonist role or The Wall storyline since he's a more interesting character than le generic boy becomes a man heroes journey dope but they obviously know they're bringing him back to fucking life next episode so.... why.... ? why even bother just to do some more bullshit magic shit that breaks the story? why would the men even do this? are they really that rectum ravished racist against the wildlings? didn't some of them survive the White Walker attack and know what they're up against? why kill their best chance of surviving from sheer butthurt? if they think the point of The Wall is pointless now why not just........ leave? why do they even care about the Night's Watch being dishonored now if they think it's whole point is over not the wildlings are through? don't most of them are it there and are just forced to be there for crimes? where was Edd during this? was he part of it? I can't even remember what he looks like and don't care to check, absolute dogshit to be quite honest just to trick you into thinking you're watching a show as good as season 1 when Ned was killed off for real, and this was just the season where they were not directly adapting the first 3 books but remixing the last 2 with a few of their own ideas, just you fucking wait as they are entirely on their own now